1 00:00:02,040 --> 00:00:07,880 This programme contains very strong language. 2 00:00:07,880 --> 00:00:09,760 Today is myself and Jock's anniversary. 3 00:00:09,760 --> 00:00:11,440 We been best friends for five years. 4 00:00:11,440 --> 00:00:14,440 And during that time, neither of us has been unfaithful. 5 00:00:14,440 --> 00:00:17,160 Here, boy, do you remember when you asked me to be your best friend? 6 00:00:17,160 --> 00:00:19,440 Of course, it was about five years ago. 7 00:00:19,440 --> 00:00:22,560 On this very bench. You were like... 8 00:00:22,560 --> 00:00:25,440 "Do you know... Do you want to like... 9 00:00:25,440 --> 00:00:27,960 "..be my best friend? "Only if you want to, like. 10 00:00:27,960 --> 00:00:29,680 "It's no big deal, like" 11 00:00:29,680 --> 00:00:32,400 Fuck you, boy, you didn't exactly make it easy for me. 12 00:00:32,400 --> 00:00:34,840 It took you so long to answer one simple fucking question. 13 00:00:34,840 --> 00:00:36,240 What's that about? 14 00:00:36,240 --> 00:00:37,800 It's a big commitment, like. 15 00:00:37,800 --> 00:00:40,160 Seriously, I've got something else to say. 16 00:00:40,160 --> 00:00:41,840 What? 17 00:00:41,840 --> 00:00:45,680 Sorry, do the two of you fellas mind putting suncream on our backs? 18 00:00:52,920 --> 00:00:54,240 Do you mind? 19 00:00:54,240 --> 00:00:56,440 We're having a fucking conversation here. 20 00:00:58,840 --> 00:00:59,880 Jesus Christ. 21 00:01:01,440 --> 00:01:05,120 You were saying. Just close your eyes. 22 00:01:05,120 --> 00:01:06,280 Put out your hand. 23 00:01:07,760 --> 00:01:09,360 Don't put your balls in my hand. 24 00:01:09,360 --> 00:01:12,480 I'm not going to put my balls in your hand, I did that once. 25 00:01:15,440 --> 00:01:16,640 That's not bad. 26 00:01:18,520 --> 00:01:20,080 Shit, man, I didn't get you anything. 27 00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:22,880 No, it's not an anniversary thing, I don't want nothing in exchange. 28 00:01:22,880 --> 00:01:25,520 Just don't lose it now, OK, there's something special about it, 29 00:01:25,520 --> 00:01:28,520 it can't be replaced. Why? 30 00:01:28,520 --> 00:01:30,040 You have to find out yourself. 31 00:01:31,840 --> 00:01:34,680 Let's take a photo to mark the occasion. Yeah, boy. 32 00:01:46,520 --> 00:01:48,400 Up, down. 33 00:01:48,400 --> 00:01:51,320 You got fuego, that's what they call it in Spain - fuego, fire. 34 00:01:51,320 --> 00:01:52,840 BOTH: Up, down, fuego. 35 00:01:52,840 --> 00:01:54,520 You shut it like that. 36 00:01:56,560 --> 00:01:58,440 There's nothing worse on your anniversary 37 00:01:58,440 --> 00:02:01,000 than bumping in to your best friend's ex best friend. 38 00:02:02,680 --> 00:02:04,680 Gavin fucking Madigan. 39 00:02:05,840 --> 00:02:07,040 Jock. 40 00:02:07,040 --> 00:02:09,320 Gavin fucking Madigan. 41 00:02:09,320 --> 00:02:11,000 What are you doing in our school, boy? 42 00:02:11,000 --> 00:02:13,360 My school as well, my mam's the new teacher, 43 00:02:13,360 --> 00:02:15,920 we just moved back from Kilkenny. Are you serious? Yeah. 44 00:02:15,920 --> 00:02:17,760 This is the best news I've heard all year. 45 00:02:17,760 --> 00:02:20,200 Gav, this is Con, Con this is Gavin. Nice to meet you, Gavin. 46 00:02:20,200 --> 00:02:22,120 Nice to meet you, Tom. 47 00:02:22,120 --> 00:02:24,840 It's Con, like Conor. Chill out, boy. 48 00:02:24,840 --> 00:02:27,480 We were best friends in primary school. 49 00:02:27,480 --> 00:02:29,080 You WERE best friends? 50 00:02:29,080 --> 00:02:31,080 Me and Jock are best friends now, so... 51 00:02:31,080 --> 00:02:33,760 What? We have that in common, like. 52 00:02:33,760 --> 00:02:34,960 Did you say something? 53 00:02:36,480 --> 00:02:38,920 Look, I brought a photo we took before. 54 00:02:38,920 --> 00:02:40,880 Thought you might get a craic out of it. 55 00:02:40,880 --> 00:02:42,840 My God, the size of us, boy. 56 00:02:42,840 --> 00:02:45,840 Tom, do us a favour, read the back of that, will you? Con... 57 00:02:48,400 --> 00:02:50,760 "Best friends forever. 58 00:02:50,760 --> 00:02:52,520 "Signed..." 59 00:02:52,520 --> 00:02:55,560 Look, that's your signature there and that's mine. 60 00:02:55,560 --> 00:02:57,800 You kept this that whole time! Obviously. 61 00:02:57,800 --> 00:03:02,400 Remember, we took it up in Bell's Field, on Jock and Gavin's bench. 62 00:03:02,400 --> 00:03:04,920 It's Jock and Con's bench now. 63 00:03:04,920 --> 00:03:07,760 CON LAUGHS 64 00:03:07,760 --> 00:03:10,000 You know? 65 00:03:10,000 --> 00:03:12,480 All right, how you getting on? 66 00:03:12,480 --> 00:03:16,520 And how are these two beautiful, intelligent looking women? 67 00:03:16,520 --> 00:03:19,280 Ouch! Squeeze me so hard! 68 00:03:19,280 --> 00:03:21,160 Siobhan, Linda, this is my pal Gavin. 69 00:03:21,160 --> 00:03:23,960 Nice to meet you. BOTH: Nice to meet you too. 70 00:03:25,440 --> 00:03:26,960 Skegs. 71 00:03:26,960 --> 00:03:29,160 Principal Walsh is like a dog with a boner lately 72 00:03:29,160 --> 00:03:31,080 when it comes to theft on the school grounds. 73 00:03:31,080 --> 00:03:32,920 From now on, anyone caught stealing 74 00:03:32,920 --> 00:03:36,520 so much as a paperclip will be expelled without question. 75 00:03:36,520 --> 00:03:38,240 It all started last month when the 76 00:03:38,240 --> 00:03:40,280 foreign exchange students were over. 77 00:03:42,200 --> 00:03:43,680 They came for a week 78 00:03:43,680 --> 00:03:46,960 and all they left with were the clothes on their back. 79 00:03:46,960 --> 00:03:48,320 Did you give Conor the present? 80 00:03:49,760 --> 00:03:52,400 Con, give us a light there, will you? 81 00:03:52,400 --> 00:03:53,640 No bother at all. 82 00:03:55,000 --> 00:03:56,760 Wait... 83 00:04:03,000 --> 00:04:04,880 Give us a look, Tom. 84 00:04:04,880 --> 00:04:06,080 It's Con... 85 00:04:07,320 --> 00:04:09,240 Ah, sweet. 86 00:04:10,720 --> 00:04:12,360 Did you see that? 87 00:04:12,360 --> 00:04:13,400 All right. 88 00:04:24,360 --> 00:04:27,160 Gav, did you give me back my lighter? 89 00:04:27,160 --> 00:04:28,520 What? I gave it back to you. 90 00:04:28,520 --> 00:04:31,080 Quit the shit, all right, give me back my lighter. 91 00:04:31,080 --> 00:04:32,400 What's going on? 92 00:04:32,400 --> 00:04:33,920 I gave him his lighter outside, 93 00:04:33,920 --> 00:04:36,320 he's obviously just freaking because he lost it. 94 00:04:36,320 --> 00:04:37,480 What the fuck, Con. 95 00:04:37,480 --> 00:04:39,360 I didn't lose it, he's after stealing it. 96 00:04:39,360 --> 00:04:41,480 Jesus Christ, Conor, would you watch your mouth? 97 00:04:41,480 --> 00:04:43,440 You know better than to use that word in here. 98 00:04:43,440 --> 00:04:45,640 Who's stealing what? Jesus. 99 00:04:45,640 --> 00:04:46,840 Eh... 100 00:04:46,840 --> 00:04:49,880 No-one's stealing nothing. I heard you say steal. 101 00:04:51,120 --> 00:04:52,640 Nah. Nah. 102 00:04:54,520 --> 00:04:56,280 Didn't say that. 103 00:04:56,280 --> 00:04:58,200 Steel, that's what you... 104 00:04:58,200 --> 00:05:00,080 Yeah. Steal. 105 00:05:00,080 --> 00:05:04,280 Yeah, sorry, I was saying Gav's... Gav's... 106 00:05:04,280 --> 00:05:06,000 Gav's biceps are like steel. 107 00:05:07,400 --> 00:05:09,880 Here, Tom, feel my steel. 108 00:05:09,880 --> 00:05:11,520 Yeah? 109 00:05:11,520 --> 00:05:13,800 Oh, fuck, that's quite the... 110 00:05:15,080 --> 00:05:16,920 ..quite the form you got there. 111 00:05:16,920 --> 00:05:21,240 Stronger than steel, it's like The Rock, The Rock, Dwayne "The Rock"... 112 00:05:21,240 --> 00:05:22,960 'Do know what, maybe me 113 00:05:22,960 --> 00:05:26,840 'worrying about Gavin trying to take my place is all in my head.' 114 00:05:26,840 --> 00:05:28,960 May the best man win. 115 00:05:28,960 --> 00:05:31,400 Wait, what did you say? What? 116 00:05:31,400 --> 00:05:32,880 You just said something to me. 117 00:05:32,880 --> 00:05:35,080 Who? You did. 118 00:05:35,080 --> 00:05:36,680 No, no, I didn't. 119 00:05:38,720 --> 00:05:40,920 No, I was right. He's a prick. 120 00:05:45,200 --> 00:05:46,800 Get out of the way. 121 00:05:58,040 --> 00:06:00,040 Get up, that's my table. 122 00:06:00,040 --> 00:06:01,200 Did you build it? 123 00:06:01,200 --> 00:06:03,760 No, but my name's carved into the desk right there. 124 00:06:05,240 --> 00:06:06,640 Con. 125 00:06:10,840 --> 00:06:12,160 What are you doing, boy? 126 00:06:12,160 --> 00:06:14,440 It's his first day, just let him set there for the class. 127 00:06:14,440 --> 00:06:17,720 Fine, but he stole my lighter, and he's a fucking prick. 128 00:06:17,720 --> 00:06:20,000 I can hear you. Yeah, good, shut up. 129 00:06:20,000 --> 00:06:23,000 Will you stop with this jealousy stuff, boy? 130 00:06:23,000 --> 00:06:25,240 You got nothing to worry about, just relax. 131 00:06:29,440 --> 00:06:30,680 Sorry. 132 00:06:35,480 --> 00:06:38,240 "Thanks, Linda, thanks for saving me a seat, 133 00:06:38,240 --> 00:06:40,080 "you're such a wonderful girlfriend." 134 00:06:40,080 --> 00:06:41,680 No? 135 00:06:41,680 --> 00:06:42,720 Yeah, so. 136 00:06:49,480 --> 00:06:52,840 Mam and Sgt Healy have been fighting like an old married couple lately. 137 00:06:52,840 --> 00:06:55,920 So she suggested they give each other a little bit of space. 138 00:06:57,720 --> 00:06:59,000 Do you mind? 139 00:06:59,000 --> 00:07:00,440 No, no, course not. 140 00:07:05,280 --> 00:07:06,640 Fucking weirdos. 141 00:07:08,880 --> 00:07:10,280 What the fuck, Tony. 142 00:07:10,280 --> 00:07:12,160 What the fuck, yourself. 143 00:07:12,160 --> 00:07:14,080 If I'm working, I'm working. 144 00:07:14,080 --> 00:07:16,160 Can't be stopping to whisper sweet nothings to you 145 00:07:16,160 --> 00:07:18,400 just because you're feeling a bit needy. 146 00:07:18,400 --> 00:07:21,560 When you're on duty, I expect you to treat me the very same. 147 00:07:21,560 --> 00:07:22,840 All right? 148 00:07:25,040 --> 00:07:26,240 Fuck's sake. 149 00:07:27,440 --> 00:07:29,600 It's great to be back at this school teaching 150 00:07:29,600 --> 00:07:32,280 where I was a pupil not so long ago. 151 00:07:32,280 --> 00:07:34,040 I probably know most of your parents. 152 00:07:34,040 --> 00:07:36,680 It's a pity most of them aren't doing very well for themselves. 153 00:07:36,680 --> 00:07:39,680 But don't let that discourage any of you. 154 00:07:39,680 --> 00:07:41,880 I moved my son Gavin with me to the school 155 00:07:41,880 --> 00:07:44,760 so I mustn't think the place is all that bad. 156 00:07:44,760 --> 00:07:45,800 Gavin, stand up. 157 00:07:50,440 --> 00:07:51,880 Introduce yourself. 158 00:07:59,280 --> 00:08:00,440 Eh... 159 00:08:01,720 --> 00:08:04,040 My name is Gavin. Speak up. 160 00:08:08,080 --> 00:08:09,440 I said... 161 00:08:10,720 --> 00:08:12,800 My name is Gavin Madigan. 162 00:08:12,800 --> 00:08:15,480 Fucksake, Mam. Watch your language. 163 00:08:19,000 --> 00:08:20,480 I was sitting there. 164 00:08:20,480 --> 00:08:23,720 Get up. Sit somewhere else, Gavin. 165 00:08:24,840 --> 00:08:26,920 Just seeing how you're settling in, Miss Madigan. 166 00:08:26,920 --> 00:08:28,440 Great, Principal Walsh. 167 00:08:28,440 --> 00:08:31,840 I just wanted to have a word with you about the staff female toilets 168 00:08:31,840 --> 00:08:34,440 and the used condom on the floor... Let's discuss this outside. 169 00:08:34,440 --> 00:08:38,360 Right. Everyone, open your textbooks on page one and start reading. 170 00:08:38,360 --> 00:08:40,040 Quietly. 171 00:08:43,600 --> 00:08:45,360 Thank God she's gone. 172 00:08:46,680 --> 00:08:48,160 Get up. 173 00:08:48,160 --> 00:08:49,280 Make me. 174 00:08:55,600 --> 00:08:58,400 Get your damn ball off me fucking shoulder. 175 00:08:58,400 --> 00:09:00,920 I will, when you get up off my fucking chair. 176 00:09:02,640 --> 00:09:04,560 That's it, I claim you. 177 00:09:04,560 --> 00:09:07,080 ALL, QUIETLY: Fight, fight, fight, fight. 178 00:09:07,080 --> 00:09:08,640 LOUDLY: Fight, fight, fight, fight. 179 00:09:08,640 --> 00:09:09,760 Shh! 180 00:09:10,840 --> 00:09:14,240 What? I can't whisper. So don't say anything, so, you bollock. 181 00:09:16,160 --> 00:09:17,640 Fight, fight, fight, fight. 182 00:09:17,640 --> 00:09:20,360 Name the time and the place. 183 00:09:20,360 --> 00:09:24,200 After school by the bonfire spot outside the housing estate. 184 00:09:24,200 --> 00:09:26,760 Right. Right. OK. OK. Let's do this. 185 00:09:26,760 --> 00:09:30,280 Let's do it then. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Right. 186 00:09:33,960 --> 00:09:35,360 Hold me back. 187 00:09:39,880 --> 00:09:41,720 You're fuckin' lucky. 188 00:09:41,720 --> 00:09:43,240 You're lucky he's holding you. 189 00:09:43,240 --> 00:09:45,840 CROWD SHOUTS 190 00:09:51,280 --> 00:09:53,200 Knocknaheeney rules. 191 00:09:53,200 --> 00:09:55,800 So what are they? There's only one rule. 192 00:09:55,800 --> 00:09:58,280 Someone dies, no-one says who did it. 193 00:10:00,680 --> 00:10:03,360 Listen, lads, a lot of good friendships start with people 194 00:10:03,360 --> 00:10:06,240 punching the heads off each other, like Rocky Balboa and Apollo Creed. 195 00:10:06,240 --> 00:10:09,360 So this might be a good thing. I'll leave you to it. 196 00:10:09,360 --> 00:10:11,920 I just don't want to see me buddies kill each other, yeah. 197 00:10:11,920 --> 00:10:13,480 Good luck, boys. 198 00:10:13,480 --> 00:10:15,320 Come on now, boys. 199 00:10:15,320 --> 00:10:17,840 CROWD SHOUTS 200 00:10:20,960 --> 00:10:22,520 Fucking hit him. 201 00:10:25,200 --> 00:10:26,920 That's it, Conor, you've got this. 202 00:10:26,920 --> 00:10:28,280 Hit him. 203 00:10:30,400 --> 00:10:32,920 You look like a fucking ballerina. 204 00:10:32,920 --> 00:10:35,240 Ballerinas are pure muscles. 205 00:10:37,240 --> 00:10:38,600 Hit him in the knob. 206 00:10:47,760 --> 00:10:49,280 Hit him! 207 00:10:51,640 --> 00:10:53,680 CROWD GROANS 208 00:10:53,680 --> 00:10:55,240 Tom wears granny knickers. 209 00:10:57,520 --> 00:10:58,920 The name's Con. 210 00:10:58,920 --> 00:11:01,200 They're not me granny knickers, they're me mam's. 211 00:11:01,200 --> 00:11:02,760 I'm just borrowing them for a day. 212 00:11:02,760 --> 00:11:05,080 Does your mam not wear sexy knickers like normal people? 213 00:11:05,080 --> 00:11:08,560 I'll have you know my mam wears very sexy knickers. 214 00:11:08,560 --> 00:11:11,160 These are just her day off knickers for watching TV. 215 00:11:11,160 --> 00:11:13,280 She wears her sexy knickers at work, like. 216 00:11:13,280 --> 00:11:16,200 What does she work as, a hooker? CROWD GASPS 217 00:11:17,200 --> 00:11:19,960 That's it, Madigan. You're toast. 218 00:11:21,440 --> 00:11:24,880 CROWD SHOUTS 219 00:11:33,880 --> 00:11:36,080 Time to go. Come on. 220 00:11:36,080 --> 00:11:39,160 He's getting tired. He's passing out. 221 00:11:39,160 --> 00:11:41,600 He's going down. Nearly there. 222 00:11:41,600 --> 00:11:42,920 Come on, boy. 223 00:11:44,560 --> 00:11:46,040 Do you want me to wait for you? 224 00:11:46,040 --> 00:11:48,480 No, it's grand, I'm going to finish him now. 225 00:11:48,480 --> 00:11:50,760 No, I'm going to finish you. 226 00:11:50,760 --> 00:11:52,960 Just give up, boy. Say mercy. 227 00:11:52,960 --> 00:11:55,880 You say mercy. You say mercy. 228 00:12:03,200 --> 00:12:06,440 We're all alone. Everyone's gone, boy. Yeah. 229 00:12:07,760 --> 00:12:13,400 How about I just count to three and on three, we just let go? Right? 230 00:12:13,400 --> 00:12:17,240 Yeah. OK. BOTH: One, two, three. 231 00:12:19,080 --> 00:12:21,920 Say mercy! No! Say mercy. No! 232 00:12:21,920 --> 00:12:25,600 I shall never give up! I will never... 233 00:12:25,600 --> 00:12:29,880 Say mercy! I will never say mercy! Argh! Mercy! Mercy! 234 00:12:31,600 --> 00:12:33,640 HE LAUGHS 235 00:12:41,120 --> 00:12:44,040 What are you doing getting into fights anyway? 236 00:12:44,040 --> 00:12:46,960 You can't let fucking idiots like that get to you. 237 00:12:46,960 --> 00:12:50,920 A huge part about growing up is about sometimes being the bigger person. 238 00:12:50,920 --> 00:12:52,920 Aye, I know. You're right. 239 00:12:52,920 --> 00:12:55,160 Just this guy's such a dickhead. 240 00:12:55,160 --> 00:12:57,960 What did he say that got you so wound up? 241 00:12:57,960 --> 00:12:59,600 Fucking lots of things, like... 242 00:13:02,040 --> 00:13:04,120 He called you a...called you a whore. 243 00:13:07,240 --> 00:13:10,080 What was that? I said he called you a whore. 244 00:13:11,440 --> 00:13:14,080 Or was it a hooker? 245 00:13:14,080 --> 00:13:17,360 But, no, you're right. I won't let it get to me. 246 00:13:17,360 --> 00:13:20,080 I'll be the bigger man from now on. WATER GURGLES 247 00:13:25,440 --> 00:13:27,920 Don't do anything mental now, all right? His mam's a teacher. 248 00:13:27,920 --> 00:13:30,280 I don't want this making things worse for me in school. 249 00:13:30,280 --> 00:13:32,640 Don't worry, I won't. I'll just have a quick word with her. 250 00:13:32,640 --> 00:13:34,680 No doubt she's a civilised person. 251 00:13:34,680 --> 00:13:38,000 And I'll leave her to deal with her son in whatever way she sees fit. 252 00:13:47,400 --> 00:13:52,360 Mairead McSweeney! It's been far too long. 253 00:13:52,360 --> 00:13:55,880 Nancy Madigan. What a pleasant surprise. 254 00:13:57,760 --> 00:14:01,440 How'd you know her? We're old school buddies, isn't that right? 255 00:14:01,440 --> 00:14:03,320 FORCED LAUGHTER 256 00:14:03,320 --> 00:14:08,560 So we're all friends. Fancy that. Fancy that. 257 00:14:09,760 --> 00:14:11,760 Nancy couldn't make any of her own friends, 258 00:14:11,760 --> 00:14:14,040 on account of having a rotten personality. 259 00:14:14,040 --> 00:14:15,960 So she stole my friend instead. 260 00:14:15,960 --> 00:14:19,440 Her name was Francesca, and I do believe she was my friend first. 261 00:14:19,440 --> 00:14:23,800 No, she wasn't, silly. She was my friend first. 262 00:14:23,800 --> 00:14:26,760 You see, Gavin, Mairead only thought Francesca was her friend first 263 00:14:26,760 --> 00:14:29,240 but Francesca told me she didn't like Mairead all that much. 264 00:14:29,240 --> 00:14:31,800 So even though she knew her first, they weren't friends first. 265 00:14:31,800 --> 00:14:35,560 The devil's in the detail, let bygones be bygones, blah, blah, blah. She was my friend first. 266 00:14:35,560 --> 00:14:37,920 Now, what's this you're coming to my house all about? 267 00:14:37,920 --> 00:14:42,400 It turns out your son Gavin has been saying nasty things about me to Conor. 268 00:14:42,400 --> 00:14:46,000 Yeah. Gavin, is that true? Oh, yeah. I called her a whore. 269 00:14:48,080 --> 00:14:50,600 Is there anything else you wanted? 270 00:14:50,600 --> 00:14:53,680 I want an apology. Now. 271 00:14:53,680 --> 00:14:56,600 Well, you're not going to get one from me or my son. 272 00:14:56,600 --> 00:14:59,200 So why don't you take that little scumbag son of yours 273 00:14:59,200 --> 00:15:03,640 and go back to that tip of a house you live in and get off my property? 274 00:15:03,640 --> 00:15:06,000 SCREAMS 275 00:15:03,640 --> 00:15:06,000 Fuck! 276 00:15:06,000 --> 00:15:09,360 You're after breaking my nose! Come back here and I'll fix it for you. 277 00:15:09,360 --> 00:15:13,160 What's going on? She's after breaking my nose with her big smelly fish hands! 278 00:15:13,160 --> 00:15:16,800 Fish don't have hands, so that makes no sense. 279 00:15:16,800 --> 00:15:19,120 Stop brushing me tits with your broom! 280 00:15:19,120 --> 00:15:21,720 You wish! I'm not brushing, I'm pushing. 281 00:15:21,720 --> 00:15:24,520 Pushing me tits with your broom! 282 00:15:24,520 --> 00:15:26,520 Argh! Nancy! 283 00:15:26,520 --> 00:15:28,840 SHOUTS 284 00:15:28,840 --> 00:15:32,200 Argh! Get off, you psycho bitch! 285 00:15:32,200 --> 00:15:35,760 Stop banging my mum with your broomstick or I'll shove it up your bumhole. 286 00:15:35,760 --> 00:15:38,720 I'd like to see you try, you small little fuck! 287 00:15:38,720 --> 00:15:41,360 THEY SHOUT 288 00:15:43,760 --> 00:15:46,960 Get your fingers out of me nostrils! 289 00:15:46,960 --> 00:15:48,560 Argh! 290 00:15:48,560 --> 00:15:52,040 Get off my fucking wife! Nobody touches my fucking wife! 291 00:15:52,040 --> 00:15:56,600 That's my fucking arm, you toad! 292 00:16:01,560 --> 00:16:05,000 So, who'd like to explain to me what happened? 293 00:16:05,000 --> 00:16:07,640 I called for a conversation. A conversation! 294 00:16:07,640 --> 00:16:10,240 THEY TALK OVER ONE ANOTHER 295 00:16:07,640 --> 00:16:10,240 I swear... 296 00:16:10,240 --> 00:16:14,720 They started it. We didnar fuck! They started it! 297 00:16:14,720 --> 00:16:17,000 And she's a cunt, the husband has pubes for hair 298 00:16:17,000 --> 00:16:18,920 and their son is a prick. 299 00:16:19,960 --> 00:16:22,280 I'm sick of this. Sort this out, will you, Tony? 300 00:16:22,280 --> 00:16:26,240 I want to go home and put the dinner on. Come on. Just one second, there. 301 00:16:26,240 --> 00:16:28,400 Something I don't quite get. 302 00:16:29,600 --> 00:16:32,760 If they started it, yeah, how come you're outside their house? 303 00:16:35,080 --> 00:16:37,560 What are you doing? I'm on duty. 304 00:16:41,360 --> 00:16:46,560 So who hit who first? She poked me. OK, but who hit who first? 305 00:16:52,480 --> 00:16:54,120 Name? 306 00:16:55,320 --> 00:16:57,600 Say Stephanie. 307 00:17:02,000 --> 00:17:05,120 Lying dickhead snakes always reveal themselves 308 00:17:05,120 --> 00:17:07,720 when you play truth or dare. 309 00:17:07,720 --> 00:17:11,600 Gavin. They never choose truth. 310 00:17:11,600 --> 00:17:15,160 I choose dare, obviously. See? 311 00:17:15,160 --> 00:17:19,200 I dare you to steal something from a teacher. MANY: Ooh! 312 00:17:19,200 --> 00:17:22,560 Don't be a prick, he'll get chucked out of the school 313 00:17:22,560 --> 00:17:26,040 if he gets caught for that. It's his own fault. He chose dare himself. 314 00:17:26,040 --> 00:17:28,520 Don't worry about it, Jock. I got this. 315 00:17:33,480 --> 00:17:36,320 Please get caught. Please get caught. 316 00:17:47,160 --> 00:17:52,600 Gavin. What you on about? I didn't do nothing. What? Do me a favour. 317 00:17:52,600 --> 00:17:54,760 Hold on to my handbag while I use the toilet? 318 00:17:54,760 --> 00:17:58,200 How the women manage to get piss on the floor in there I'll never know. 319 00:18:12,520 --> 00:18:17,280 Who did you get that off? Me mam. That's a copout. How is it? 320 00:18:17,280 --> 00:18:20,720 She's a teacher, I robbed something from her. Job done. 321 00:18:20,720 --> 00:18:23,680 To be fair, she's teacher, like. 322 00:18:23,680 --> 00:18:26,400 It's true. Now it's my turn. 323 00:18:30,320 --> 00:18:32,840 Hm. Who will I pick? 324 00:18:36,680 --> 00:18:39,040 Linda. What? 325 00:18:39,040 --> 00:18:44,040 Truth or dare? Erm... Pick truth. Always pick truth. 326 00:18:44,040 --> 00:18:46,080 Dare. What are you doing? 327 00:18:46,080 --> 00:18:50,280 I don't mind doing a stupid dare but I'm not revealing my darkest secrets to half the school. 328 00:18:50,280 --> 00:18:52,400 I dare you... 329 00:18:55,240 --> 00:18:57,400 ..to kiss me for five seconds. 330 00:18:57,400 --> 00:19:00,000 MANY: Ooh! You can't do that! Why? 331 00:19:04,240 --> 00:19:07,280 A dare's a dare, boy. She has to do it anyway. Chill out. 332 00:19:08,640 --> 00:19:12,800 You can't do it, Lis. I don't have a choice. A dare's a dare. 333 00:19:12,800 --> 00:19:16,760 It's just a kiss, it'll be over in a second. Five fucking seconds. 334 00:19:18,040 --> 00:19:22,600 One hippopotamus, two hippopotamus... 335 00:19:24,120 --> 00:19:27,920 ..three hippopotamus... MANY: Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! 336 00:19:27,920 --> 00:19:29,880 CHANTING CONTINUES 337 00:19:39,040 --> 00:19:43,440 MANY: One, two... 338 00:19:43,440 --> 00:19:49,160 ..three, four, five. 339 00:19:49,160 --> 00:19:51,240 THEY CHEER 340 00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:04,480 # I never thought that I could be so bold 341 00:20:06,360 --> 00:20:08,360 # To even say these thoughts aloud... # 342 00:20:08,360 --> 00:20:10,400 Conor! Conor! 343 00:20:10,400 --> 00:20:12,480 Can we not just talk about this, please? 344 00:20:12,480 --> 00:20:15,000 I have said everything I need to say. 345 00:20:15,000 --> 00:20:17,560 I can put up with your preachiness, your neediness, 346 00:20:17,560 --> 00:20:19,920 the fact that you're a fumbling idiot in bed... 347 00:20:21,320 --> 00:20:26,000 ..but the one thing I can't put up with is you not being on my side. 348 00:20:26,000 --> 00:20:27,880 Even when you're clearly in the wrong? 349 00:20:27,880 --> 00:20:30,160 Especially when I'm in the wrong! 350 00:20:30,160 --> 00:20:32,360 That's when I need you to back me up the most! 351 00:20:34,680 --> 00:20:36,880 It's over. 352 00:20:41,480 --> 00:20:43,320 Conor. Conor! 353 00:20:44,840 --> 00:20:46,920 He used tongue, not me. 354 00:20:49,400 --> 00:20:55,200 Your tongue touched his tongue, therefore you both used tongue. 355 00:20:55,200 --> 00:20:57,360 His saliva's all over your lips, Linda, 356 00:20:57,360 --> 00:21:00,480 and your chin and your cheeks. 357 00:21:02,520 --> 00:21:04,360 It's his, not mine! 358 00:21:10,040 --> 00:21:16,760 There once was a guy who would do anything for you... 359 00:21:18,520 --> 00:21:20,920 ..and now he is gone. 360 00:21:20,920 --> 00:21:25,560 I can fix this. It's over. 361 00:21:42,440 --> 00:21:44,520 My class is this way. 362 00:21:46,800 --> 00:21:50,040 Listen, everyone. Sponsor me now for my skipathon. 363 00:21:50,040 --> 00:21:53,880 You won't regret it when I'm filling in the detention supervision roster. 364 00:21:53,880 --> 00:21:56,800 Barry, my purse, it's not here. Really, Nancy? 365 00:21:56,800 --> 00:21:58,520 Think we've all heard that one before. 366 00:21:58,520 --> 00:22:00,280 I was certain it was here this morning. 367 00:22:00,280 --> 00:22:03,000 Someone must have stolen it. 368 00:22:06,040 --> 00:22:08,640 This is an emergency announcement. 369 00:22:08,640 --> 00:22:11,160 The first I've had to make this year. 370 00:22:11,160 --> 00:22:15,080 Miss Madigan's pink pussy purse has been stolen. 371 00:22:15,080 --> 00:22:17,400 And it is for this reason I regret to inform you the school 372 00:22:17,400 --> 00:22:22,600 is officially on lockdown and will remain that way until such 373 00:22:22,600 --> 00:22:26,480 time as Miss Madigan's pink pussy purse has been retrieved... 374 00:22:29,360 --> 00:22:32,640 ..and the perpetrator has been punished. 375 00:22:37,160 --> 00:22:39,720 Right, listen up. This is a raid. 376 00:22:39,720 --> 00:22:42,080 A raid? 377 00:23:13,120 --> 00:23:16,360 Principal Walsh, we have our culprit. 378 00:23:17,680 --> 00:23:20,600 The best way to sum up this kind of conspiracy is... 379 00:23:20,600 --> 00:23:22,520 What the fuck? 380 00:23:28,720 --> 00:23:31,480 Does someone want to tell me what this bullshit is? Nice. 381 00:23:31,480 --> 00:23:34,120 Trust you to lower the tone as usual, Mairead. 382 00:23:34,120 --> 00:23:36,840 Do you want me to lower you, like I did yesterday? 383 00:23:36,840 --> 00:23:39,760 THEY LAUGH 384 00:23:36,840 --> 00:23:39,760 OK, calm down, everyone. 385 00:23:40,960 --> 00:23:44,320 Mairead, your son Conor's given me no choice but to expel him. 386 00:23:44,320 --> 00:23:47,360 He's been caught red-handed stealing Miss Madigan's pink pussy purse. 387 00:23:47,360 --> 00:23:49,320 No, but that wasn't him. That was Gavin! 388 00:23:49,320 --> 00:23:51,880 It wasn't even him, it was Gavin. Gavin did it. 389 00:23:51,880 --> 00:23:54,400 How do you explain the purse getting into Conor's bag? 390 00:23:54,400 --> 00:23:57,120 She planted it there to cover up for her dickhead son. 391 00:23:58,600 --> 00:24:02,880 Sounds like something Nancy Madigan would do, all right. How dare you? 392 00:24:02,880 --> 00:24:06,200 Like mother like son. Liars, the pair of them. 393 00:24:06,200 --> 00:24:11,240 I am a teacher, Principal Walsh. And we all know teachers don't lie. 394 00:24:11,240 --> 00:24:13,040 Can't argue with that. 395 00:24:13,040 --> 00:24:18,000 Conor McSweeney, for the crime of stealing Miss Madigan's pink pussy purse, you are expelled. 396 00:24:18,000 --> 00:24:21,760 From this day forward you cannot set foot on school grounds. What? 397 00:24:21,760 --> 00:24:26,200 Fuck's... Are you seriously just going to sit there and say nothing? 398 00:24:26,200 --> 00:24:28,320 You're the one who took the fucking thing. 399 00:24:30,240 --> 00:24:32,000 You're pathetic, boy. 400 00:24:35,400 --> 00:24:38,320 I did it. Not him. So expel me. 401 00:24:38,320 --> 00:24:42,080 Jock, if you have any cop on you will sit down and shut the hell up. 402 00:24:42,080 --> 00:24:44,600 Principal Walsh, you can't have one rule for your son-in-law 403 00:24:44,600 --> 00:24:46,640 and another rule for everyone else in the school. 404 00:24:46,640 --> 00:24:48,840 He's not my son-in-law and he didn't do it! 405 00:24:48,840 --> 00:24:51,640 He's just covering up for his idiot sidekick. 406 00:24:51,640 --> 00:24:54,400 If you expel him you're going to have to expel me too. 407 00:24:54,400 --> 00:24:57,920 I decide who gets expelled, not you. What if I expel myself? 408 00:24:57,920 --> 00:25:00,880 You can't expel yourself. I'm in charge here. 409 00:25:00,880 --> 00:25:03,360 And you couldn't get me to expel you if you tried. 410 00:25:05,840 --> 00:25:07,960 Do you want to bet? 411 00:25:07,960 --> 00:25:11,280 Fuck you, Principal Walsh. 412 00:25:11,280 --> 00:25:15,800 You big fucking creep. "Oh, look. Where's the paedophile? 413 00:25:15,800 --> 00:25:18,480 "Oh, there he is. You big paedo." 414 00:25:18,480 --> 00:25:20,560 Nice try. You're not expelled. 415 00:25:23,800 --> 00:25:29,160 The thing about myself and Jock that that dickhead Gavin Madigan would never understand... 416 00:25:29,160 --> 00:25:34,480 Jock! ..is we stick together no matter how stupid a decision the other one makes. 417 00:25:34,480 --> 00:25:37,360 Conor! Because that's what best friends do. 418 00:25:37,360 --> 00:25:39,680 THEY WHOOP 419 00:25:39,680 --> 00:25:41,560 Lads, what are you doing? 420 00:25:41,560 --> 00:25:43,520 THEY CHEER 421 00:25:44,880 --> 00:25:48,480 What are you two doing in my TV knickers? Ours were in the wash. 422 00:25:48,480 --> 00:25:52,280 They're not expelled. But you do have detention every day for the next three years, 423 00:25:52,280 --> 00:25:55,000 writing lines backwards in Irish. 424 00:25:56,000 --> 00:26:00,480 Fine. It's warm in here, isn't it? Oh, Jesus. 425 00:26:00,480 --> 00:26:02,080 THEY CHEER 426 00:26:02,080 --> 00:26:03,800 LAUGHTER 427 00:26:03,800 --> 00:26:05,720 Fuck that! Fucking hell! 428 00:26:07,320 --> 00:26:10,240 Put them back on. Lads. 429 00:26:10,240 --> 00:26:12,280 Yeah! Woo! 430 00:26:15,280 --> 00:26:17,120 Not expelled. Watch. 431 00:26:18,440 --> 00:26:20,320 You're going to watch us naked dance. 432 00:26:20,320 --> 00:26:23,240 You're going to watch us naked dance. You know you want to. 433 00:26:23,240 --> 00:26:26,280 It has no effect on me. If you don't expel us, the police will get you. 434 00:26:26,280 --> 00:26:29,240 Whatever you do, don't look down, Barry. Have a quick peep, go on. 435 00:26:29,240 --> 00:26:32,280 What's that in the corner? Is it a plane? 436 00:26:32,280 --> 00:26:34,080 Oh no, it's a helicopter. 437 00:26:34,080 --> 00:26:38,480 Jock, are you there? Mayday, Mayday. Starting up engines. 438 00:26:38,480 --> 00:26:41,960 OK. We're going to be flying over Empire State pretty soon. 439 00:26:41,960 --> 00:26:47,000 Here we go, here we go. I'm taking off. I'm taking off. Oh! 440 00:26:48,960 --> 00:26:51,880 Last chance, Principal Walsh. You're not the boss of me. 441 00:26:58,080 --> 00:27:00,800 SPLATTER 442 00:26:58,080 --> 00:27:00,800 Oh! 443 00:27:00,800 --> 00:27:02,960 THEY LAUGH 444 00:27:07,480 --> 00:27:09,520 THEY WHOOP 445 00:27:12,560 --> 00:27:15,400 Expelled! You're expelled! 446 00:27:15,400 --> 00:27:18,720 You're so, so, so, so expelled! 447 00:27:22,880 --> 00:27:25,120 I have something to say. What? 448 00:27:26,760 --> 00:27:29,720 It was me that took the pink pussy purse. Gavin, shut up! 449 00:27:29,720 --> 00:27:32,200 My mam planted it when she found out that I took it. 450 00:27:33,960 --> 00:27:36,120 Well, you can't have one set of rules for pupils 451 00:27:36,120 --> 00:27:40,000 and another for teachers, Principal Walsh. 452 00:27:40,000 --> 00:27:43,000 THEY CHANT: Kick her out! Kick her out! 453 00:27:49,480 --> 00:27:52,560 Does this mean we're not expelled any more? 454 00:27:57,720 --> 00:28:01,840 We'll... We'll just get our stuff. Yeah. 455 00:28:03,600 --> 00:28:05,720 I think you're standing on my pants. 456 00:28:13,840 --> 00:28:17,400 Come on. When we get home you're both fucking dead. Come on. 457 00:28:19,000 --> 00:28:22,160 Jock and me are pretty proud that we caused Nancy Madigan to be 458 00:28:22,160 --> 00:28:25,680 the first teacher in the history of our school to be expelled, 459 00:28:25,680 --> 00:28:27,320 along with her dickhead son. 460 00:28:28,880 --> 00:28:30,760 Gavin gave me this to give back to you. 461 00:28:35,840 --> 00:28:39,960 What a dick. Total dick, mate. I should have listened to you. 462 00:28:39,960 --> 00:28:43,160 You ever going to tell me what's so special about it? 463 00:28:43,160 --> 00:28:45,200 Pull out the inside, take a look. 464 00:28:54,360 --> 00:28:56,400 READS MESSAGE 465 00:29:11,080 --> 00:29:13,000 Thanks, boy.