1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:05,320 This programme contains strong language. 2 00:00:05,320 --> 00:00:08,840 INSTRUMENTAL: We Wish You A Merry Christmas 3 00:00:08,840 --> 00:00:11,520 How are you? You look nice. Happy Christmas, love. 4 00:00:15,280 --> 00:00:18,600 You look gorgeous in your Christmas jumper. 5 00:00:18,600 --> 00:00:20,120 Gwaaar! Go on to fuck! 6 00:00:24,600 --> 00:00:26,440 I love your Christmas hat, it's gorgeous. 7 00:00:26,440 --> 00:00:27,760 CLAMOURING 8 00:00:30,680 --> 00:00:32,040 No, no! 9 00:00:34,440 --> 00:00:35,680 CLAMOURING 10 00:00:35,680 --> 00:00:37,960 Where's your proof of purchase, you fucking prick?! 11 00:00:37,960 --> 00:00:39,880 Watch his fucking back, will you? 12 00:00:39,880 --> 00:00:41,400 Happy fucking Christmas. 13 00:00:41,400 --> 00:00:43,640 # Repeat, repeat, repeat Repeat the sound of joy 14 00:00:43,640 --> 00:00:46,040 # Repeat, repeat, repeat Repeat the sound of joy 15 00:00:46,040 --> 00:00:48,520 # Repeat, repeat # Repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat 16 00:00:48,520 --> 00:00:50,040 # The sound in joy. # 17 00:00:50,040 --> 00:00:52,080 That was a load of bollocks! 18 00:01:00,200 --> 00:01:03,880 Christmas is a time for giving, but when you've got fuck all, 19 00:01:03,880 --> 00:01:05,920 it's also a time for taking. 20 00:01:08,800 --> 00:01:11,920 Take it easy, you're getting pine needles all over the new carpet! 21 00:01:11,920 --> 00:01:15,720 Would you stop going on about their new carpet? 22 00:01:15,720 --> 00:01:17,320 But it's cream. 23 00:01:17,320 --> 00:01:18,920 I'm taking off these plastic bags. 24 00:01:20,760 --> 00:01:22,160 Not until we're outside. 25 00:01:29,600 --> 00:01:30,640 HE GRUNTS 26 00:01:30,640 --> 00:01:33,960 TREE PLAYS CHRISTMAS CAROL 27 00:01:33,960 --> 00:01:35,360 You had one job. 28 00:01:38,320 --> 00:01:40,840 It's the perfect time for me and Jock to be doing house calls, 29 00:01:40,840 --> 00:01:43,520 because there's a film being shot in the city and the whole of Cork 30 00:01:43,520 --> 00:01:46,400 is off trying to get selfies with your man Robert Sheehan. 31 00:01:46,400 --> 00:01:49,120 I'm going through a crowd of fans at the moment. 32 00:01:49,120 --> 00:01:50,480 Yeah, they're really annoying. 33 00:01:50,480 --> 00:01:53,520 SCREAMING 34 00:01:53,520 --> 00:01:56,320 OK, I'm only going to do this once. You ready? 35 00:01:56,320 --> 00:01:57,360 CHEERING 36 00:01:58,360 --> 00:02:00,520 SCREAMING 37 00:02:00,520 --> 00:02:02,280 SHE SOBS 38 00:02:02,280 --> 00:02:04,880 Do you think you were the right actor to play this character, 39 00:02:04,880 --> 00:02:06,280 seeing as you are not gay? 40 00:02:06,280 --> 00:02:07,440 Oh, well, I am gay. 41 00:02:07,440 --> 00:02:09,800 I'm gay for women, I think about women 42 00:02:09,800 --> 00:02:12,920 in the same gay way that gay men think about...gays. 43 00:02:12,920 --> 00:02:15,640 And you'll never guess who's been hired for security. 44 00:02:15,640 --> 00:02:17,840 Stand back! Billy Murphy. 45 00:02:17,840 --> 00:02:20,360 The film producers figured if he was working on set, 46 00:02:20,360 --> 00:02:21,840 at least he wouldn't be breaking in. 47 00:02:21,840 --> 00:02:24,720 I will fucking punch you. Get back! 48 00:02:24,720 --> 00:02:27,240 All in all, it doesn't seem very Christmassy this year. 49 00:02:27,240 --> 00:02:29,640 Might be something to do with our housing estate 50 00:02:29,640 --> 00:02:32,160 being more like Armageddon. 51 00:02:32,160 --> 00:02:34,120 It's been non-stop with protesters, 52 00:02:34,120 --> 00:02:37,000 and half of them are only there to get on the telly. 53 00:02:37,000 --> 00:02:39,800 It's been 30 days since the residents of what's been dubbed 54 00:02:39,800 --> 00:02:42,400 the Real Capital of Cork - or Real COC for short - 55 00:02:42,400 --> 00:02:44,720 barricaded themselves in their council estate, 56 00:02:44,720 --> 00:02:46,960 creating their very own hard border. 57 00:02:46,960 --> 00:02:49,040 The guards are struggling to keep control. 58 00:02:49,040 --> 00:02:52,560 Only residents and food deliveries are allowed past the barricades. 59 00:02:52,560 --> 00:02:55,160 Who ordered Szechuan duck and chicken balls? 60 00:02:55,160 --> 00:02:56,840 That's me, that's me! 61 00:02:56,840 --> 00:02:58,600 I paid by card. 62 00:02:58,600 --> 00:03:00,480 Building repairs, me fucking hole! 63 00:03:00,480 --> 00:03:03,560 The authorities offered the same upgrade to the housing estate over, 64 00:03:03,560 --> 00:03:05,000 but once they got everyone out, 65 00:03:05,000 --> 00:03:06,520 they demolished the lot of it. 66 00:03:06,520 --> 00:03:09,920 That's not going to happen to us. These houses are perfectly fine. 67 00:03:09,920 --> 00:03:11,200 KNOCK ON WINDOW 68 00:03:11,200 --> 00:03:13,560 Mam, the weird smell's there again! 69 00:03:13,560 --> 00:03:15,720 Is the canary still alive? Yeah. 70 00:03:15,720 --> 00:03:18,680 Then stop worrying about it. Jesus. 71 00:03:18,680 --> 00:03:20,960 Just cos some langer in City Hall thinks our houses 72 00:03:20,960 --> 00:03:23,120 Aren't good enough for his safety standards. 73 00:03:23,120 --> 00:03:26,920 CROWD AGREES 74 00:03:26,920 --> 00:03:29,520 Like, what would them firemen be doing if they weren't 75 00:03:29,520 --> 00:03:31,760 putting out our fires anyway? Ever think about that? 76 00:03:31,760 --> 00:03:34,080 CROWD AGREES 77 00:03:34,080 --> 00:03:36,440 SHE COUGHS 78 00:03:36,440 --> 00:03:38,680 You OK? I'm fucking fine. 79 00:03:38,680 --> 00:03:41,000 SHE COUGHS 80 00:03:42,080 --> 00:03:44,640 EXCLAMATIONS OF DISGUST 81 00:03:44,640 --> 00:03:46,240 Do you have a hanky, no? 82 00:03:46,240 --> 00:03:49,240 Mam has a hard-on for everything Christmassy, 83 00:03:49,240 --> 00:03:52,240 but she's always been too broke to get a real Christmas tree. 84 00:03:54,120 --> 00:03:55,160 It's lovely. 85 00:03:56,560 --> 00:03:58,120 # ..happy new year. # 86 00:03:58,120 --> 00:03:59,200 What the fuck? 87 00:03:59,200 --> 00:04:00,720 # We wish you a merry Christmas... # 88 00:04:00,720 --> 00:04:02,040 Why three Christmas trees? 89 00:04:02,040 --> 00:04:04,240 They say you can't get oil past the barricade. 90 00:04:05,480 --> 00:04:08,080 We're going to line them up like the Christmas tree... 91 00:04:08,080 --> 00:04:09,720 Christmas trees. 92 00:04:12,800 --> 00:04:14,800 Ah! Fucking hell! 93 00:04:14,800 --> 00:04:17,000 Ha-ha! Ha-ha! 94 00:04:17,000 --> 00:04:18,720 You can't do that. 95 00:04:18,720 --> 00:04:22,320 Burning Christmas trees is like burning Christmas. 96 00:04:25,680 --> 00:04:27,240 Did you get to the doctor? 97 00:04:27,240 --> 00:04:29,760 What's he going to tell me that I don't already know? 98 00:04:29,760 --> 00:04:31,560 Stuff about medicine. 99 00:04:31,560 --> 00:04:32,760 Fuck that. 100 00:04:33,760 --> 00:04:36,600 FLINT STRIKES REPEATEDLY 101 00:04:36,600 --> 00:04:38,600 Fucking thing. Give me that fag. 102 00:04:38,600 --> 00:04:40,360 Are you sure you should be smoking? 103 00:04:40,360 --> 00:04:43,440 It'll help bring up the phlegm. That's true, actually. 104 00:04:43,440 --> 00:04:44,920 Sure, when you walk around, 105 00:04:44,920 --> 00:04:47,360 you always see people smoking and coughing. 106 00:04:47,360 --> 00:04:51,600 SHE COUGHS 107 00:04:52,840 --> 00:04:55,040 SHE COUGHS 108 00:04:55,040 --> 00:04:56,960 Mam! 109 00:04:56,960 --> 00:05:00,040 Are you OK, Mam? Mam! 110 00:05:00,040 --> 00:05:03,520 Everybody, get out the fucking way! NOW! 111 00:05:03,520 --> 00:05:05,160 CLAMOUR 112 00:05:11,240 --> 00:05:14,320 Only one of you can travel with her now, lads. 113 00:05:14,320 --> 00:05:17,200 I never understood what an ambulance chaser was until now. 114 00:05:17,200 --> 00:05:20,800 SIREN 115 00:05:26,600 --> 00:05:30,920 SHE COUGHS 116 00:05:32,800 --> 00:05:34,680 It says here she's doing phenomenal. 117 00:05:36,680 --> 00:05:38,400 It says "pneumonia". 118 00:05:40,160 --> 00:05:42,360 SHE COUGHS 119 00:05:40,160 --> 00:05:42,360 Is she going to be OK? 120 00:05:44,240 --> 00:05:45,840 It's not looking good. 121 00:05:46,800 --> 00:05:50,520 The pneumonia has done severe damage to her lungs, 122 00:05:50,520 --> 00:05:52,680 and the smoking hasn't helped. 123 00:05:57,440 --> 00:06:00,480 We can't just stand round here and watch my mam getting more sick. 124 00:06:00,480 --> 00:06:03,640 The most important thing is to help lift her spirits. 125 00:06:03,640 --> 00:06:07,000 Being in hospital over Christmas is going to be really tough. 126 00:06:07,000 --> 00:06:09,200 I'll pick us up something to eat, yeah? 127 00:06:09,200 --> 00:06:10,240 Happy meal? 128 00:06:16,000 --> 00:06:22,480 SOMBRE INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC: We Wish You A Merry Christmas 129 00:06:23,640 --> 00:06:26,200 Mam, you need something to lift your spirits. 130 00:06:28,000 --> 00:06:29,600 What would you like? 131 00:06:29,600 --> 00:06:30,840 Yeah, we... 132 00:06:32,120 --> 00:06:33,680 ..we'll get you whatever you want. 133 00:06:37,640 --> 00:06:39,600 SHE MUMBLES 134 00:06:42,720 --> 00:06:45,480 Sorry, I didn't quite get that one. 135 00:06:47,320 --> 00:06:49,680 I've never seen a white Christmas. 136 00:06:53,400 --> 00:06:54,800 Hey. 137 00:06:55,920 --> 00:07:00,320 Are you sure there's nothing else that might lift your spirits? 138 00:07:01,600 --> 00:07:03,720 Like... A bike. 139 00:07:03,720 --> 00:07:04,760 Aye. 140 00:07:05,840 --> 00:07:07,800 We could get you a bike. Yeah. 141 00:07:09,440 --> 00:07:11,240 Just whisper the make and model. 142 00:07:17,560 --> 00:07:18,680 No. 143 00:07:44,240 --> 00:07:46,480 Ho-ho-ho, Merry Christmas! 144 00:07:50,600 --> 00:07:52,120 I fucking hate Christmas. 145 00:07:54,720 --> 00:07:56,360 Who's all that crap for, anyway? 146 00:07:56,360 --> 00:07:59,280 Conor and Jock. I bought presents for them? 147 00:07:59,280 --> 00:08:02,480 We'll need to drop it off to their house on the way home. Not a hope. 148 00:08:02,480 --> 00:08:04,240 Their estate's like a war zone. 149 00:08:04,240 --> 00:08:05,920 OK, we'll walk. 150 00:08:05,920 --> 00:08:08,040 Enda, did you bring your rape alarm? Yep. 151 00:08:09,520 --> 00:08:10,560 Fine. 152 00:08:12,080 --> 00:08:13,840 Don't worry about it. 153 00:08:13,840 --> 00:08:16,360 I'll do everything I'm told, because it's not about me, 154 00:08:16,360 --> 00:08:19,160 it's about my money for Christmas on people I don't even like. 155 00:08:19,160 --> 00:08:20,720 That's what this is about. 156 00:08:20,720 --> 00:08:23,440 I'll get you close. You can fuck the presents over the wall! 157 00:08:23,440 --> 00:08:26,000 Barry, stop being a prick. 158 00:08:26,000 --> 00:08:27,080 What? 159 00:08:27,080 --> 00:08:28,880 You can't even get in. 160 00:08:28,880 --> 00:08:29,920 I know a way. 161 00:08:35,480 --> 00:08:38,320 You're going to break the fucking thing, Barry. 162 00:08:39,640 --> 00:08:43,040 When you've got one dead parent, and another nearly dead parent 163 00:08:43,040 --> 00:08:45,600 in the hospital, the last thing you need is optimism. 164 00:08:45,600 --> 00:08:48,000 There's actually lots of successful orphans in the world. 165 00:08:49,880 --> 00:08:51,400 Like Batman. 166 00:08:51,400 --> 00:08:53,240 I'm not an orphan. 167 00:08:53,240 --> 00:08:55,000 Well, what are you getting angry at me for? 168 00:08:55,000 --> 00:08:56,880 I'm just trying to comfort you. 169 00:09:00,520 --> 00:09:02,200 Superman. Stop it. 170 00:09:04,080 --> 00:09:05,880 Harry Potter. Quit it. 171 00:09:10,640 --> 00:09:12,600 God. 172 00:09:12,600 --> 00:09:14,400 He's the ultimate orphan. 173 00:09:15,520 --> 00:09:16,960 And very successful. 174 00:09:18,600 --> 00:09:22,120 Hey! We could try praying to Him first, no? 175 00:09:31,240 --> 00:09:34,840 The Lord God works in mysterious ways. 176 00:09:34,840 --> 00:09:37,720 Lads, get a load of this fucking prick. 177 00:09:41,360 --> 00:09:43,560 ON IPAD: Why did you choose to film in Cork city? 178 00:09:43,560 --> 00:09:46,200 Well, we needed a lot of weird-looking background people, 179 00:09:46,200 --> 00:09:48,880 and Cork has a lot to offer in this area. 180 00:09:51,080 --> 00:09:53,680 Could you point that thing in a different direction, please? 181 00:10:08,440 --> 00:10:10,720 Here. We'll give you the phone unlocking code 182 00:10:10,720 --> 00:10:13,400 after you tow the snow machine to the hospital. 183 00:10:14,640 --> 00:10:16,720 And how are you going to get it out of there? 184 00:10:16,720 --> 00:10:19,840 That church is like Fort Knox since they started filming there. 185 00:10:19,840 --> 00:10:22,880 We know this place better than we know our own dicks. 186 00:10:22,880 --> 00:10:25,840 We break in to drink the altar wine. 187 00:10:25,840 --> 00:10:28,920 And this time, we know a guy on the inside. 188 00:10:32,920 --> 00:10:34,440 Explain it to me again. 189 00:10:34,440 --> 00:10:36,720 It's a coin-toss competition. 190 00:10:36,720 --> 00:10:38,040 Best of five. 191 00:10:38,040 --> 00:10:41,800 If we win, you let us in and turn a blind eye. 192 00:10:41,800 --> 00:10:44,040 What do I get if I win? 193 00:10:44,040 --> 00:10:46,120 The knowledge that you won. 194 00:10:46,120 --> 00:10:48,800 What more could you want than the winning feeling 195 00:10:48,800 --> 00:10:50,360 of a coin-toss competition? 196 00:10:50,360 --> 00:10:52,440 You'd be king of the tossers. 197 00:10:54,120 --> 00:10:55,880 Are you fucking serious? 198 00:10:55,880 --> 00:10:58,360 King of the fucking tossers. 199 00:10:58,360 --> 00:10:59,400 Fuck off. 200 00:11:01,800 --> 00:11:03,040 You can punch us. 201 00:11:04,080 --> 00:11:05,360 What the fuck? 202 00:11:05,360 --> 00:11:07,080 Do you want to help your mam or not? 203 00:11:07,080 --> 00:11:09,440 Well, obviously, but I bruise like a fucking peach. Yeah, 204 00:11:09,440 --> 00:11:12,160 but you know the only thing he gets a kick out of is inflicting pain. 205 00:11:14,440 --> 00:11:15,680 Fuck's sake. 206 00:11:17,120 --> 00:11:20,080 For every coin toss that you win, 207 00:11:20,080 --> 00:11:22,440 you get to punch one of us. 208 00:11:22,440 --> 00:11:24,000 Both of you. 209 00:11:24,000 --> 00:11:26,360 That's the deal. Fine. 210 00:11:26,360 --> 00:11:28,200 Has anyone got a coin? 211 00:11:28,200 --> 00:11:29,600 I've a chocolate one. 212 00:11:29,600 --> 00:11:31,640 Do you mind if it's British? 213 00:11:35,600 --> 00:11:37,200 Heads. 214 00:11:37,200 --> 00:11:39,120 Thank fuck! 215 00:11:39,120 --> 00:11:40,160 My go. 216 00:11:40,160 --> 00:11:41,680 HE LAUGHS 217 00:11:47,920 --> 00:11:49,560 Tails. 218 00:11:49,560 --> 00:11:52,400 HE LAUGHS 219 00:11:54,000 --> 00:11:56,400 Arm. Leg. 220 00:11:58,320 --> 00:12:00,880 It's vitally important now that you don't move, 221 00:12:00,880 --> 00:12:03,840 because I don't want to hit you in the face. 222 00:12:03,840 --> 00:12:05,160 OK? 223 00:12:10,400 --> 00:12:12,200 Ooh! Ow! 224 00:12:14,640 --> 00:12:16,560 That kind of stung. 225 00:12:16,560 --> 00:12:18,040 Ooh! 226 00:12:18,040 --> 00:12:19,160 All right? 227 00:12:20,680 --> 00:12:24,080 I once tried to give up gambling, but I found it really difficult, 228 00:12:24,080 --> 00:12:27,440 because even when you're not gambling... Argh! 229 00:12:27,440 --> 00:12:28,880 ..you're still KIND of gambling, 230 00:12:28,880 --> 00:12:30,840 doing things that don't feel like gambling. 231 00:12:30,840 --> 00:12:33,040 Do you know what I mean? Not really. 232 00:12:33,040 --> 00:12:35,240 Like, I once battered this fella, 233 00:12:35,240 --> 00:12:38,880 so I got sent away for a couple of months to Cork Prison. 234 00:12:40,280 --> 00:12:42,080 But had I not stabbed him, 235 00:12:42,080 --> 00:12:45,400 I could be a fucking dentist now or something. 236 00:12:45,400 --> 00:12:46,520 I won again! 237 00:12:45,400 --> 00:12:46,520 HE LAUGHS 238 00:12:48,080 --> 00:12:49,960 It's my lucky day. 239 00:12:51,040 --> 00:12:53,160 Oh! 240 00:12:53,160 --> 00:12:54,560 Stomachs. 241 00:12:57,440 --> 00:12:59,200 BOTH: Ooh! 242 00:12:59,200 --> 00:13:00,240 THEY COUGH 243 00:13:01,240 --> 00:13:03,080 HE LAUGHS 244 00:13:03,080 --> 00:13:04,840 Whoo! 245 00:13:04,840 --> 00:13:07,440 If I get this now, this is going to be three out of three. 246 00:13:07,440 --> 00:13:09,320 Just flip the fucking thing, yeah? 247 00:13:09,320 --> 00:13:11,680 All right. Relax. 248 00:13:11,680 --> 00:13:13,040 Jesus! 249 00:13:18,360 --> 00:13:20,600 Whoa, whoa, whoa! 250 00:13:20,600 --> 00:13:21,840 Whoa, whoa! 251 00:13:25,520 --> 00:13:26,600 I win. 252 00:13:28,280 --> 00:13:29,600 Fuck! 253 00:13:34,560 --> 00:13:37,440 We need two people to replace those actors who got pissed over lunch. 254 00:13:40,120 --> 00:13:43,360 Have any of you extras got acting experience? 255 00:13:46,480 --> 00:13:49,000 Just get me two of the weirdest-looking fellas here. 256 00:13:52,320 --> 00:13:54,880 Will they do? They're perfect. 257 00:13:54,880 --> 00:13:56,680 EXTRAS GROAN 258 00:13:56,680 --> 00:13:58,480 Right, you two, come with me. 259 00:14:02,560 --> 00:14:04,640 BACKGROUND CHATTER 260 00:14:05,800 --> 00:14:07,440 What the fuck? Fuck you! 261 00:14:08,400 --> 00:14:10,360 FUCK! 262 00:14:10,360 --> 00:14:13,000 GENERAL MOANING 263 00:14:13,000 --> 00:14:14,640 Get the fuck out...! 264 00:14:17,920 --> 00:14:22,320 The IFTAs will be BEGGING me to take an award after this. 265 00:14:22,320 --> 00:14:24,120 Begging me on their hands and knees. 266 00:14:32,960 --> 00:14:34,800 Excuse me, Mr Sheehan. 267 00:14:34,800 --> 00:14:37,120 Don't talk to me. 268 00:14:37,120 --> 00:14:40,000 I think he's acting. 269 00:14:37,120 --> 00:14:40,000 HE INHALES 270 00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:43,880 Are you acting? Shush, please. 271 00:14:43,880 --> 00:14:45,120 Thank you. 272 00:14:45,120 --> 00:14:47,200 Five minutes, everyone. 273 00:14:47,200 --> 00:14:49,640 I took two sources of inspiration for this scene. 274 00:14:49,640 --> 00:14:52,920 The original movie, Alien - "Argh, argh!" - 275 00:14:52,920 --> 00:14:57,720 and this old Maltese lady who was having an asthma attack. 276 00:14:57,720 --> 00:15:00,880 And she was making the most fascinating sounds. 277 00:15:00,880 --> 00:15:03,840 Strange, like... 278 00:15:00,880 --> 00:15:03,840 HE GASPS 279 00:15:03,840 --> 00:15:06,440 That's where it comes... That's where the noise... 280 00:15:06,440 --> 00:15:07,960 Wow. Yes, indeed it does. 281 00:15:07,960 --> 00:15:10,120 Ah, you can hear the Maltese in that. 282 00:15:10,120 --> 00:15:11,840 Yeah - thank you. 283 00:15:11,840 --> 00:15:14,880 So good. Yeah, so good. Maltese. 284 00:15:14,880 --> 00:15:18,080 You can hear it, like, yeah, it's Maltese. Yeah, yeah. 285 00:15:18,080 --> 00:15:21,360 That's more just someone doing a lisp. 286 00:15:21,360 --> 00:15:22,480 Yeah. 287 00:15:25,720 --> 00:15:27,080 Any tips? 288 00:15:27,080 --> 00:15:28,760 Tips? 289 00:15:28,760 --> 00:15:31,840 Acting tips. It's our first time. 290 00:15:31,840 --> 00:15:33,840 What do you mean, it's your first time? 291 00:15:33,840 --> 00:15:35,080 OK, let's start it up, please! 292 00:15:35,080 --> 00:15:39,960 Ah, ah, ah! Listen, whatever you do, do not look into the camera. 293 00:15:39,960 --> 00:15:43,240 OK? Great. You'll be great. You'll be great. OK, great. 294 00:15:43,240 --> 00:15:45,880 All set. 342, take one. 295 00:15:45,880 --> 00:15:47,640 Argh! 296 00:15:47,640 --> 00:15:49,800 And track. 297 00:15:49,800 --> 00:15:51,560 HE GASPS 298 00:15:51,560 --> 00:15:52,600 Action. 299 00:15:52,600 --> 00:15:55,440 Argh! GUNSHOT AND GASPING 300 00:15:55,440 --> 00:16:00,040 I fear this fight may be at its end. 301 00:16:00,040 --> 00:16:04,560 Those soldiers may slash my flesh, 302 00:16:04,560 --> 00:16:08,640 but God is my only judge. 303 00:16:08,640 --> 00:16:09,960 HE GASPS 304 00:16:12,840 --> 00:16:14,800 Promise me one thing. 305 00:16:16,520 --> 00:16:18,200 You have our word. 306 00:16:18,200 --> 00:16:20,960 You're looking straight into the camera. 307 00:16:20,960 --> 00:16:23,040 Can we reset, please? 308 00:16:23,040 --> 00:16:25,080 What did I just say? 309 00:16:25,080 --> 00:16:26,480 Don't look at the camera. 310 00:16:26,480 --> 00:16:27,920 And what did you do? 311 00:16:29,160 --> 00:16:30,760 I looked at the camera. 312 00:16:30,760 --> 00:16:32,560 Yeah. 313 00:16:32,560 --> 00:16:33,880 Sorry, Mr Sheehan. 314 00:16:37,520 --> 00:16:43,000 Those soldiers may slash my flesh but God - 315 00:16:43,000 --> 00:16:45,320 God is my only judge. 316 00:16:47,200 --> 00:16:50,120 You've missed your mark. You have our word. 317 00:16:50,120 --> 00:16:51,720 You've missed your mark. 318 00:16:51,720 --> 00:16:53,320 Your mark is here. 319 00:16:53,320 --> 00:16:55,360 It's really, really simple. 320 00:16:55,360 --> 00:16:57,280 Don't look at the camera, stay on your mark, 321 00:16:57,280 --> 00:16:59,480 concentrate, yeah? 322 00:16:59,480 --> 00:17:01,880 I really want to get it on this next one, lads, OK. 323 00:17:01,880 --> 00:17:04,760 Go for it, boy. I've got a good feeling about this one, yeah? 324 00:17:04,760 --> 00:17:05,800 Yeah, yeah. 325 00:17:09,240 --> 00:17:11,360 You have our word. 326 00:17:11,360 --> 00:17:14,960 He's reading his lines off his fucking hand. 327 00:17:14,960 --> 00:17:16,400 Promise me one thing. 328 00:17:16,400 --> 00:17:17,840 HE BELCHES 329 00:17:17,840 --> 00:17:19,120 Cut. 330 00:17:23,280 --> 00:17:27,640 Those soldiers may have slashed my flesh, but... 331 00:17:29,640 --> 00:17:31,880 Cut to FUCK! 332 00:17:31,880 --> 00:17:32,960 Argh! 333 00:17:41,560 --> 00:17:44,160 Argh! 334 00:17:44,160 --> 00:17:46,000 Argh... 335 00:17:46,000 --> 00:17:50,080 God is my only judge! 336 00:17:50,080 --> 00:17:51,600 HE GASPS 337 00:17:51,600 --> 00:17:52,880 CONOR STIFLES A LAUGH 338 00:17:54,400 --> 00:17:57,680 God is my only judge! 339 00:17:57,680 --> 00:17:58,720 HE GASPS 340 00:17:58,720 --> 00:18:00,160 STIFLED LAUGHTER 341 00:18:01,400 --> 00:18:04,240 Sorry, boy, sorry, boy. We've got this, we've got this. Right. 342 00:18:04,240 --> 00:18:07,280 Use a prop - use it. 343 00:18:07,280 --> 00:18:11,000 God is my only judge. 344 00:18:11,000 --> 00:18:12,640 HE GASPS 345 00:18:12,640 --> 00:18:14,440 LAUGHTER 346 00:18:14,440 --> 00:18:17,080 STIFLED LAUGHTER 347 00:18:20,000 --> 00:18:22,320 I'm never going to get this out. 348 00:18:22,320 --> 00:18:23,360 HE GROANS 349 00:18:24,640 --> 00:18:25,960 CONOR AND JOCK LAUGH 350 00:18:25,960 --> 00:18:30,280 Can we please just get a bit of professionalism around here? 351 00:18:30,280 --> 00:18:31,360 Aww...! 352 00:18:31,360 --> 00:18:32,400 Take 57. 353 00:18:33,960 --> 00:18:37,520 I heard Robert Pacino say once that great performances 354 00:18:37,520 --> 00:18:39,120 come out of pain and suffering. 355 00:18:40,160 --> 00:18:43,160 I'd like to think we had something to do with helping Mr Sheehan 356 00:18:43,160 --> 00:18:44,800 get to that place. 357 00:18:44,800 --> 00:18:46,320 Promise me one thing. 358 00:18:48,840 --> 00:18:50,160 You have our word. 359 00:18:51,560 --> 00:18:52,640 Find my mother. 360 00:18:54,360 --> 00:18:55,760 Tell her... 361 00:18:59,040 --> 00:19:03,160 Tell her how deeply sorry I am 362 00:19:03,160 --> 00:19:06,000 for leaving her in her time of need. 363 00:19:13,280 --> 00:19:14,600 HE GROANS 364 00:19:16,120 --> 00:19:17,680 And cut. 365 00:19:17,680 --> 00:19:20,400 Ohhh! Thank fuck for that! 366 00:19:22,360 --> 00:19:24,960 Get out of my way, you two amateurs. 367 00:19:26,760 --> 00:19:27,800 Argh! 368 00:19:33,840 --> 00:19:36,480 Hey, hey. We're coming. We're coming. 369 00:19:36,480 --> 00:19:38,520 Just back it up to the gate. 370 00:19:45,800 --> 00:19:46,840 HE GROANS 371 00:19:53,880 --> 00:19:54,920 HE GROANS 372 00:19:56,760 --> 00:19:58,280 All right, Billy. 373 00:20:00,120 --> 00:20:01,560 Heads or tails? 374 00:20:01,560 --> 00:20:02,960 Heads. 375 00:20:02,960 --> 00:20:04,080 HE GROANS 376 00:20:04,080 --> 00:20:05,280 Fuck this! 377 00:20:08,640 --> 00:20:09,680 Over here. 378 00:20:13,480 --> 00:20:16,640 I'm sorry about this, lads, but I take my job very seriously. 379 00:20:18,040 --> 00:20:19,520 THEY GROAN 380 00:20:21,280 --> 00:20:23,400 THEY COUGH 381 00:20:25,360 --> 00:20:28,680 What would you be doing with a snow machine, anyway? 382 00:20:28,680 --> 00:20:30,840 You can't sell snow. 383 00:20:30,840 --> 00:20:32,800 It melts. 384 00:20:34,760 --> 00:20:36,280 It's just my mam's not well. 385 00:20:38,800 --> 00:20:40,800 And the doctor's saying she might not make it. 386 00:20:43,960 --> 00:20:46,280 You see, she's always wanted to see a white Christmas. 387 00:20:46,280 --> 00:20:48,440 We were just trying to do something for her. 388 00:20:51,560 --> 00:20:52,960 You know what? 389 00:20:52,960 --> 00:20:56,800 I was really sick in hospital once. 390 00:20:58,280 --> 00:21:01,720 The only thing I wanted was for someone to sit with me 391 00:21:01,720 --> 00:21:03,400 so I wouldn't be alone. 392 00:21:05,880 --> 00:21:07,040 But no-one came. 393 00:21:08,880 --> 00:21:11,600 Who's sitting with your mum right now? 394 00:21:13,920 --> 00:21:15,360 No-one. 395 00:21:18,280 --> 00:21:19,720 Lads, get the fuck out of here 396 00:21:19,720 --> 00:21:22,400 before I kick the living shit out of you again. 397 00:21:24,320 --> 00:21:26,760 Thanks, Billy. Thanks, Billy. 398 00:21:27,880 --> 00:21:31,160 And tell your mam I was asking for her. 399 00:21:31,160 --> 00:21:32,320 Yeah. 400 00:21:47,200 --> 00:21:48,960 We tried our best, Mam, but... 401 00:21:53,080 --> 00:21:55,200 What an awful Christmas! 402 00:21:55,200 --> 00:21:57,720 Don't worry about it. 403 00:21:57,720 --> 00:21:59,640 The traffic is very bad. 404 00:21:59,640 --> 00:22:01,440 Yeah. 405 00:22:01,440 --> 00:22:05,480 I'll see you when I see you, all right? 406 00:22:05,480 --> 00:22:07,000 Merry Christmas, son. 407 00:22:07,000 --> 00:22:09,280 Merry Christmas, boy. 408 00:22:10,520 --> 00:22:13,200 I think for every time one of us has a nice Christmas, 409 00:22:13,200 --> 00:22:16,280 someone else out there is having a shit one. 410 00:22:16,280 --> 00:22:17,680 Hiya. Hello. 411 00:22:17,680 --> 00:22:19,600 Hey, just thought we'd come over and say hi. 412 00:22:19,600 --> 00:22:22,520 I'm Conor, this is Jack. Conor. 413 00:22:22,520 --> 00:22:24,880 Hello, Jack. I'm Francie. Thanks for calling over. 414 00:22:24,880 --> 00:22:27,560 Pleased to meet you, boy. I like your eyebrows, kid. 415 00:22:27,560 --> 00:22:30,320 Oh, yeah? Have you got a razor? I could do yours for you. 416 00:22:30,320 --> 00:22:32,840 Go away. You're joking me. 417 00:22:32,840 --> 00:22:34,720 THEY LAUGH 418 00:22:34,720 --> 00:22:37,000 Do you want...? What would I be like with one of them? 419 00:22:37,000 --> 00:22:38,240 KNOCK AT DOOR 420 00:22:38,240 --> 00:22:39,520 A hospital is the one place 421 00:22:39,520 --> 00:22:41,880 where a stranger will never tell you to fuck off. 422 00:22:41,880 --> 00:22:42,920 Ssh, ssh! 423 00:22:44,120 --> 00:22:46,200 Good morning, doctor. 424 00:22:44,120 --> 00:22:46,200 SHE LAUGHS 425 00:22:46,200 --> 00:22:47,640 They'll all be happy to see you. 426 00:22:47,640 --> 00:22:49,360 THEY LAUGH 427 00:22:52,800 --> 00:22:55,800 You can even go up and hug someone you never met before 428 00:22:55,800 --> 00:22:57,600 and they'll be grateful for it. 429 00:22:57,600 --> 00:23:00,000 HE SOBS 430 00:23:00,000 --> 00:23:01,920 Bang. Boom. 431 00:23:01,920 --> 00:23:05,400 An old handshake or even a pat on the back in person 432 00:23:05,400 --> 00:23:08,840 will mean more than getting some shitty gift in the post. 433 00:23:08,840 --> 00:23:10,600 Stay still. Am I plucked? 434 00:23:10,600 --> 00:23:14,280 THEY CHEER 435 00:23:14,280 --> 00:23:18,400 And doing something that might only take a minute out of your day 436 00:23:18,400 --> 00:23:21,320 could last a lifetime in the memory of someone else. 437 00:23:23,760 --> 00:23:26,920 ALL: Santa is a fanny! 438 00:23:26,920 --> 00:23:30,240 Get away from me. You need to get back into bed. 439 00:23:30,240 --> 00:23:32,040 Get off me. Mairead, listen. 440 00:23:33,000 --> 00:23:35,440 Whoa! Whoa! 441 00:23:35,440 --> 00:23:36,760 Get back. 442 00:23:36,760 --> 00:23:38,960 I'll fucking do it. 443 00:23:38,960 --> 00:23:41,360 Oh! Aww, Jesus! 444 00:23:41,360 --> 00:23:44,480 Sorry. What's going on? I want to go home. 445 00:23:44,480 --> 00:23:47,240 She needs full-time medical supervision. 446 00:23:47,240 --> 00:23:48,280 Argh! 447 00:23:49,480 --> 00:23:51,320 Everyone. 448 00:23:51,320 --> 00:23:52,920 Let's be civilised. 449 00:23:55,800 --> 00:24:00,080 Look, you might know about sickness, you might know about medicine - 450 00:24:00,080 --> 00:24:04,200 but I know my mam, and she wants to be home for Christmas, 451 00:24:04,200 --> 00:24:06,200 and that's where she needs to be. 452 00:24:08,800 --> 00:24:10,640 I don't even know who owns this. 453 00:24:19,760 --> 00:24:22,840 HUBBUB 454 00:24:25,720 --> 00:24:26,760 Right, come on, then. 455 00:24:28,160 --> 00:24:30,120 What's she doing out of hospital? 456 00:24:30,120 --> 00:24:32,440 Nice to fucking see you, too. Come on. 457 00:24:34,960 --> 00:24:38,680 Can we get some help here, please, lads? Sick mammy coming through! 458 00:24:38,680 --> 00:24:41,200 Mothers spend their whole lives looking after other people, 459 00:24:41,200 --> 00:24:43,800 so when one of them gets sick, everyone knows it's time 460 00:24:43,800 --> 00:24:45,440 to put their differences aside. 461 00:24:54,760 --> 00:24:56,840 Could you stop here for a second, please? 462 00:24:59,840 --> 00:25:01,040 One second. 463 00:25:01,040 --> 00:25:04,920 INDISTINCT CHATTER 464 00:25:04,920 --> 00:25:07,840 Driver, can you get us to the other side of that barricade? 465 00:25:07,840 --> 00:25:09,400 Not a bother, boy. 466 00:25:09,400 --> 00:25:11,600 Are you still there? 467 00:25:11,600 --> 00:25:14,640 Yeah. I think I just figured out our publicity campaign. 468 00:25:14,640 --> 00:25:16,080 Driver, chop-chop. 469 00:25:18,600 --> 00:25:20,480 It's been two hours. 470 00:25:20,480 --> 00:25:23,440 We're never getting out of this war zone of a housing estate. 471 00:25:23,440 --> 00:25:25,560 I told you not to come this way. 472 00:25:25,560 --> 00:25:28,200 Concentrate. Stop. Brake, brake, brake! 473 00:25:37,840 --> 00:25:41,200 Oh, that's great. He'll gallop off now and tell everyone we're here. 474 00:25:41,200 --> 00:25:43,800 In our neighbourhood, the riot police usually only turn up 475 00:25:43,800 --> 00:25:45,840 at good birthday parties. 476 00:25:45,840 --> 00:25:47,640 SHOUTING 477 00:25:47,640 --> 00:25:50,200 'Reinforcements are being sent in to help the Gardai 478 00:25:50,200 --> 00:25:51,840 'dismantle the barricades.' 479 00:25:51,840 --> 00:25:54,480 Everyone, let's do this peacefully. 480 00:25:54,480 --> 00:25:56,360 We're all people of Cork here. 481 00:25:56,360 --> 00:25:58,520 You can take our land, 482 00:25:58,520 --> 00:26:03,440 but you'll never take our FREEDOM! 483 00:26:03,440 --> 00:26:04,960 Come on! 484 00:26:04,960 --> 00:26:06,760 Aw - for fuck's sake! 485 00:26:06,760 --> 00:26:08,080 'The actor Robert Sheehan 486 00:26:08,080 --> 00:26:11,400 'has come to show his support for the Real Capital of Cork, 487 00:26:11,400 --> 00:26:15,040 'and it appears he has watched Braveheart one too many times.' 488 00:26:15,040 --> 00:26:18,520 CHEERING 489 00:26:27,800 --> 00:26:31,240 Long live the Real fucking Capital of Cork! 490 00:26:31,240 --> 00:26:34,080 I'm not fucking going anywhere. This is my fucking home. 491 00:26:34,080 --> 00:26:37,560 Fuck off, you fucking liar. Get your fucking hands off me! 492 00:26:37,560 --> 00:26:40,240 Fucking hell! Get your fucking hands off me! 493 00:26:40,240 --> 00:26:43,440 Get your fucking hands off my sister. She's dyslexic! 494 00:26:43,440 --> 00:26:47,240 Right, which house is theirs? And let's get the fuck out of here! 495 00:26:47,240 --> 00:26:48,680 It's that one there. 496 00:26:50,720 --> 00:26:52,680 Jesus Christ! 497 00:26:54,200 --> 00:26:56,400 Right, whoever did that, you own up straightway 498 00:26:56,400 --> 00:26:58,240 or I'm calling the Gardai. 499 00:26:58,240 --> 00:27:00,520 Mentioning the Gardai is one idiotic thing to do 500 00:27:00,520 --> 00:27:03,200 with this shit going on around the corner. 501 00:27:03,200 --> 00:27:05,760 HUBBUB 502 00:27:08,480 --> 00:27:10,840 OK. Which one of you was it? 503 00:27:10,840 --> 00:27:12,680 Get back in the fucking car. 504 00:27:12,680 --> 00:27:15,080 Get back in the fucking car, Bobby. 505 00:27:28,320 --> 00:27:30,080 There's only one tree left. 506 00:27:39,320 --> 00:27:42,120 How about we burn the kitchen chairs instead? 507 00:27:44,560 --> 00:27:49,120 MAIREAD COUGHS 508 00:27:50,560 --> 00:27:52,800 COUGHING CONTINUES 509 00:27:52,800 --> 00:27:54,240 Keep calm. 510 00:27:57,600 --> 00:27:58,920 I am friends with a guard. 511 00:27:58,920 --> 00:28:00,600 Dad, don't fucking say that! 512 00:28:00,600 --> 00:28:02,440 SCREAMING 513 00:28:02,440 --> 00:28:04,000 SHOUTING 514 00:28:04,000 --> 00:28:06,040 Oh, fucking hell! 515 00:28:06,040 --> 00:28:07,720 SHOUTING 516 00:28:07,720 --> 00:28:10,280 Ah, no, no! No, no, no! 517 00:28:10,280 --> 00:28:12,160 Fuck! Dad, do something! 518 00:28:13,920 --> 00:28:15,840 He's not rain, Barry! 519 00:28:17,640 --> 00:28:21,560 COUGHING 520 00:28:26,880 --> 00:28:28,640 GASPING 521 00:28:28,640 --> 00:28:30,160 She's having a seizure. 522 00:28:30,160 --> 00:28:33,080 Quick, just get something for her mouth. To eat? 523 00:28:33,080 --> 00:28:35,040 No, like a wooden spoon or something. 524 00:28:35,040 --> 00:28:37,440 That won't help - you just need to wait for it to pass. 525 00:28:38,560 --> 00:28:39,840 It's OK, it's OK, it's OK. 526 00:28:41,280 --> 00:28:43,120 SHOUTING 527 00:28:43,120 --> 00:28:44,640 Go home, everybody, go home. 528 00:28:44,640 --> 00:28:45,800 This is our home. 529 00:28:45,800 --> 00:28:47,840 You, you fucking prick! 530 00:28:47,840 --> 00:28:50,480 SHOUTING 531 00:28:50,480 --> 00:28:53,760 GASPING Mam, can you hear me? Come on! 532 00:28:53,760 --> 00:28:54,800 Mam. 533 00:28:55,840 --> 00:28:57,920 Mam, come on, fuck that, come on, please. 534 00:28:58,960 --> 00:29:01,240 SHOUTING 535 00:28:58,960 --> 00:29:01,240 Everybody go home! 536 00:29:03,920 --> 00:29:06,480 This is our home! 537 00:29:06,480 --> 00:29:10,080 Mam? Wake up, Mam. Come on, please! 538 00:29:10,080 --> 00:29:11,880 SHOUTING 539 00:29:11,880 --> 00:29:14,160 Calm down! We're going to be all right. 540 00:29:14,160 --> 00:29:16,080 Mam, wake the fuck up, will you? 541 00:29:17,960 --> 00:29:21,040 I think you only realise how important hope is 542 00:29:21,040 --> 00:29:22,760 when it's taken away. 543 00:29:27,040 --> 00:29:28,480 HUBBUB 544 00:29:28,480 --> 00:29:31,560 Without hope, a community can be torn to shit. 545 00:29:33,960 --> 00:29:36,480 But if you gives someone hope... 546 00:29:36,480 --> 00:29:38,880 ..even just the tiniest bit... 547 00:29:38,880 --> 00:29:40,400 GASPS 548 00:29:42,520 --> 00:29:44,480 COUGHS AND RETCHES 549 00:29:48,160 --> 00:29:50,680 I'm just doing my job! 550 00:29:52,120 --> 00:29:54,040 Stop it! Stop it! 551 00:29:58,280 --> 00:30:00,240 Mam. What you looking at? 552 00:30:03,760 --> 00:30:06,520 HUBBUB 553 00:30:06,520 --> 00:30:09,000 CROWD QUIETENS 554 00:30:17,480 --> 00:30:19,160 COUGHS 555 00:30:19,160 --> 00:30:22,200 Give her some space, give her some space. You're OK. 556 00:30:24,360 --> 00:30:25,960 Get away. It's OK, it's OK. 557 00:30:25,960 --> 00:30:28,000 I'll give you space. 558 00:30:32,680 --> 00:30:34,560 Girls, get back inside! 559 00:30:34,560 --> 00:30:36,000 Orla! 560 00:30:47,640 --> 00:30:49,560 It's snowing! 561 00:30:59,960 --> 00:31:03,000 TINKLING MUSIC PLAYS 562 00:31:08,440 --> 00:31:13,920 INSTRUMENTAL: We Wish You A Merry Christmas 563 00:31:34,160 --> 00:31:36,040 Happy Christmas, everyone. 564 00:31:48,360 --> 00:31:50,680 Happy Christmas to you, too, Mister. 565 00:31:51,920 --> 00:31:54,520 Thank you. You're welcome. 566 00:31:58,320 --> 00:32:01,720 Maybe Christmas IS a time for giving. 567 00:32:01,720 --> 00:32:03,920 Even when you've got fuck all. 568 00:32:06,680 --> 00:32:08,600 Bah, humbug.