♪ You know it's gotta be G'd up ♪
♪ The kind of ish that make you cowards get beat up ♪
♪ We on the outs until we caught it and go do bids ♪
♪ Man, you know the streets ain't for kids ♪
♪ Come on, come on ♪
♪ I can't take the hood out of me ♪
Another beautiful morning in my amazing neighborhood.
Hey, son. Going to my new job.
Check it out, everybody.
My dad's cleaned up, and he's working.
He is un-unemployed.
- Yes! - I feel like a million bucks.
And you look pretty fine too.
Thanks, trench coat guy.
That creepy dude was here licking his lips
and wearing the same sticky coat when I was a kid.
Nice how some things never change.
Oh, they change, all right.
They just get better and better.
I'm Connie Discendo from Action News 10.
And I am proud to emcee the reopening
of this beautiful pool.
In fact, you could say I'm "Malcolm X-tra" proud.
Who invited this corny bitch?
Let's have round of applause
for the Ninth District
Neighborhood Improvement Committee,
led by Nancy Hart, who put together this ceremony.
That's my boo!
Yay, Mom!
And now, a special nod to the man
who is responsible for bringing this vital piece
of the community back to life.
Dad, she's talking about you.
You fixed the pool up.
That man is Councilman Coleman Bridges.
Hello, North Philadelphia. Oh, yeah.
That counterfeit corny brother again?
Forget him, Dad.
Just keep your eyes on the prize--
showing Mom that you're off drugs
and you cleaned up your life, and you deserve
to get back in the house.
You're right.
My experience on dope wasn't in vain, though.
It prepared me to roll these towels.
Yah-dah-dee!
Thank you.
When I first came up with this idea to save this pool,
the man said it couldn't be done.
You were the man, damn it!
Now, everyone who can swim, hop on in!
Here I go.
Well, more pool for me.
Tag!
You're it, Lauryn!
You must be on them 'roids 'cause for a white girl,
you fast as fuck!
Aw, thanks.
Babe, you're so good with my kids, hiding and seeking.
Now that's some next-level shit right there.
Everybody, get down!
Get down!
It's that new gang again, the West Side Killers.
This neighborhood is going to hell in a handbasket!
By the way, what is a handbasket?
I see how bad it's getting every day at the hospital--
more overdoses, more drive-bys.
It's like reopening the pool did nothing
to stop the drug crime.
And Coleman "Fake Brother in Charge" Bridges over here
isn't gonna be any help.
Oh, yes, he will.
He owes us.
After all, we saved his life during his "heart episode."
More like a "fart episode."
- One towel please, sir. - Sir?
Everybody else calls me
Mr. Poop-Butt the Walking Skidmark.
You must be new.
Here.
No seeds, no stems, no sticks in this towel.
West Side!
Gotta love it in the hood.
Hey, you're a good swimmer. I'm Kevin.
Yeah, you can call me Lil Kev, or Kevin, or Kev.
I'm Brian. You can call me Brian.
Hey, man. You okay?
Well, I miss the pool from my old school in Trenton.
I was on the swim team there.
But then we had to move when my dad died.
Oh, my God.
You were on a swim team?
Yeah, that was the point of that story.
Young man, what do you wanna be when you grow up?
I'm trying to be your mama's new boo thing.
I heard she thick as fuck!
I'll be sure to let her know. Ahem.
Uh, the councilman has an important meeting
with the mayor and--and our governor.
He's leaving. It's now or never.
Hey, sis!
Allison and I wanna have dinner with you tomorrow night.
Sorry, out of my way. I'm on a serious mission.
Do you think she's blowing me off
because I'm white or because I gave Kevin an A-minus
on his vocabulary test?
It all cool, but, uh, now that we fucking,
uh, I'm gonna expect you to lose that A-minus shit.
Understand me?
Mr. Bridges, before you go,
I'd love to speak with you about ways
to reduce the crime plaguing our neighborhoods.
That is a very important issue.
I have a five-point plan to address it.
- We don't have a plan. - Ugh!
The governor mayor waits.
Bridges for Senate!
Just another sexy politician giving us the runaround.
Well, I'm not done, and I won't back down!
Get back down!
Yo, yo, yo! Wait, Brian.
Pump your brakes!
Look, I'm sorry for being insensitive
about your dad earlier.
You know, I'm not great with bad news.
I'm a "focus on the positive" kind of dude.
All good. Thanks.
It was pretty hard when my dad was diagnosed with--
But swim team is so cool.
I mean, I bet if you were on a team again,
like with me and a couple other guys,
you'd be happy again.
And then the girl of my dreams would fall in love with me
'cause girls like jocks.
And then we would win the state championship,
and my mom and dad are cheering.
They lock eyes, they fall in love again.
They kiss. Me and my girl kiss.
Freeze frame.
Then Peabo Bryson sings over the end credits.
Like I said, I just-- I think positively.
No shit.
So let's do this!
We'll get you over your troubles,
and we'll start a swim team.
Swim team?
That sounds like a lot of money for uniforms
and drowning insurance!
Young man, you're not dyslexic, are you?
Or have anything that will get me federal money, hmm?
ADD?
PTSD?
OPP?
Does a high GPA count?
All you get for that is a bright future, damn it!
Oh, come on, Principal Johnson.
Just give us a chance.
We just need a faculty advisor.
All you gotta do is sign a piece of paper
and show up once or twice.
I don't know about all this "twice" nonsense.
Okay, well, if you can't do it,
then maybe the superintendent will.
You know, I've been meaning to tell him
how you stole the logbook to avoid
giving us a pizza party.
I am so horribly corrupt!
Good morning!
I made breakfast!
I took a page out of Uncle Richard's recipe book.
Sorry, baby. No time for breakfast.
I gotta save our neighborhood from crime.
No time for me either.
I'm in training for the swim team I started.
Hmm.
Which I'm now asking for your permission to do.
Okay.
You can be on the swim team, but--
Be home before the lights come on.
Don't talk to strangers. Avoid the ho stroll.
And for God's sake, duck if I hear a drive-by.
I've trained you well.
Yes, you did.
both: Gotta go!
What about my government cheese omelets?
-I will be proud to represent you in Washington!
As far away from these motherfuckers as I can get.
Councilman Bridges, do you have a plan to deal
with the rise in drug crime?
Mrs. Hart, first of all, I wanna thank you
for asking me that question.
It deserves an answer.
Something I've never questioned?
Freedom. Bridges for Senate.
Answer the question.
Gerald and Soupy, welcome.
You are the elite, the best of the best.
Our road to glory is paved with chlorinated water.
All right, everybody in the pool!
Yeah!
Damn! That water is wet!
I want my mama!
I don't know about this, Kev.
I'm no expert, but most swim teams usually have
people who know how to swim.
That's a minor hurdle.
We just gotta stay positive.
Gerald and Soupy, I promise you will learn
how to swim or die trying.
- Hey! - Yeah!
Ah!
Hey! That's my house!
Look at me swim, boy!
That's it!
Keep kicking your legs!
Hey, Rhe Rhe.
I'm captain of the swim team I just started.
Oh, good for you.
If you believe, you can achieve.
Ee!
Whoa!
Shit!
You're doing it! Go! Go!
Come on, guys!
They're doing it! They're not drowning!
We just had to find something that
scares them more than water.
Oh, yeah.
Ah! Get your hands off my booty!
- He's gonna get your booty! - No! No!
What an incredible way to teach them how to swim.
Shit, that's how I learned to do it.
Oh, I remember.
You want some Good & Plentys, big boy?
Still got it.
Ss.
Just yesterday, two of them gangsters broke into my salon
and stole all my hot oil.
Probably using it to get high.
Or they're extremely ashy.
That was Councilman Bridges' office.
He's coming over here this Sunday.
How'd you convince him to do that?
A combination of prayer, offering him free food,
and the threat of leaking his medical records
to the newspapers.
Thank the Lord for blackmail.
That bitch is finally gonna hear our concerns.
Wait, what are our concerns?
I remember now--crime.
Thank you, motherfucker!
I'm gonna tell bitches about those crooks
who steal my potato chips.
Once they pop, they never stop.
Please! One at a time!
Everybody calm down.
We will all have a chance to say our piece
when Bridges come here.
Me first, of course.
Actually, he's coming to my family's Sunday dinner.
So there's no room for you.
all: What?
I'm telling you, your sister doesn't like me.
I'd be shocked if she even knew my first name.
Oh, you just caught her on a bad day, baby.
She's under a lot of stress--
raising kids, saving the hospital,
going to concert jail for being a hoochie.
Now she's working around the clock stopping crime.
Well, three out of four ain't bad.
- Yeah! - You got this!
Let's go! Let's go!
Let's go! You can do this! - Yeah!
Go, you guys, go!
Excellent swimming, boys.
I am so proud to be your advisor.
This counts as my one time going to practice.
See ya!
Kev, when you told me to stay positive,
I thought you were crazy.
But you were right. It's working!
I told you.
Positive Kev will never steer you wrong.
Dad, I did it!
We're a real team now.
- I'm proud of you, son. - Yes, sir.
Everything's coming together like butt cheeks.
I'm an athlete now.
Rhe Rhe's hanging out around practices, checking me out.
And all that's left is for you and Mom to get back together.
That would be nice--
one of these days.
Well, one of these days is tomorrow.
Dad, come to Sunday dinner with me.
Sunday dinner?
In the house?
Shit, no.
Nancy, don't play about the Lord's supper.
Yeah, but she just needs to see how great you're doing.
You're ready.
Come on. Please be my guest tomorrow.
I'll do it!
And I'll hook you up with some new gear.
When I'm done with you, you're gonna look like an after photo.
I've been so many befores.
Sunday dinner is sacred at my house.
We never invite outside guests,
but Councilman Bridges is a special case.
I hope you can understand.
Oh, we understand.
When we're doing the hard work for this committee,
we're all in it together.
But when the hard work pays off and we get
some quality time with that fine-ass phony, it's all Nancy.
Marisol, please.
This might be our only chance to have
the ear of a future senator.
I honestly believe if I sit down with him one-on-one
without an audience, I can break through his phoniness
and get some results.
I just wanna make him feel at ease and not overwhelmed.
Girl, she do got a point, though.
You can be a little combative.
If you call me combative again, I will cut a bitch.
Hey, sis.
Allison and I were thinking about--
Not now, Richard. We're talking.
Told ya!
Dad, you're gonna look so good for Mom today.
Wait. Why are you turning blue?
You got my drawstring too tight.
It's like a damn girdle.
Ah, there's my second trimester.
You just need one more thing to finish off
that "Shaft's Big Score" look and seal the deal with Mom.
This day just gets better and better.
Kev asked and the bench provided.
Try it on.
both: Ooh.
Yeah.
I'd fuck you!
Pardon me, Kev.
I mean make love.
Okay, Dad, I'm gonna go home and clear the runway with Mom.
Just wait a few minutes and then make your big entrance.
Don't worry, Kev.
I'll take my sweet time in my sweet threads.
I'm gonna get Nancy back like The Jackson 5.
That bastard got my coat, the one I threw up under the bench
when the popo was after us.
All my shit is up in there.
I'll say it again. If we wore fanny packs--
Fanny packs?
Do I look like a middle-aged nigga from the Midwest?
Perfect.
All this place needed was a little TLC--
Tough Love and Clorox.
Yeah, and I'm all three. Damn, Mom.
At this rate, I'm gonna scrub down to the subbasement.
Good idea, Robert.
Scrub the subbasement too.
The councilman might go down there.
All right, Mom. Setting a fifth chair.
We have a very special guest today.
Yes, we do.
both: Wait. Who are you talking about?
- Dad. - Coleman Bridges.
- That phony baloney? - That no-good drunk?
Oh, now, come on.
I want you to see how good Daddy's doing.
He's got a job, and he's clean.
And he's helping me with the swim team.
He's not invited to my Sunday dinner.
This should be fun to watch.
You stop stirring the pot.
No, stir the pot! Stir the pot!
Get your filthy, raggedy-ass--
Well, hello.
Councilman, welcome to my humble abode.
I see you brought a guest.
No problem.
Kevin, would you kindly set an extra chair
for Mr. Bridges' aide?
Well, where am I supposed to get it from?
Just find one.
Great. The dirtbag is here.
Hey, sis. I brought my girl--
Fantastic!
Another mouth to feed.
Like I said, this woman hates me.
I hope you don't mind.
My brother is here with his girlfriend.
Not at all.
The more, the merrier.
Thank you for being so accommodating.
Robert, put on more spaghetti.
Invite the whole world, why don't we?
That's your father. I'll fix his wagon.
Tiki Dante!
What the hell are you doing here?
You said there was a standing invitation to come by any time.
Don't tell me your ass reneging.
I know I said that, but I was just being polite.
Mrs. Hart, you're so generous.
Yes, I am.
All part of my dedication to the community.
I brought you these, Ms. Hart.
Such a thoughtful thing for me to have to deal with.
Excuse me.
Give me some dead man's flowers.
More sauce, Robert!
But how much more?
All of it! All the sauce ever.
Time for some prison cuisine I learned from the unc.
Kevin, bring up those two lawn chairs from the basement.
Damn, sis. That's my bed.
I don't care.
Just make sure there's no pubic hair on it.
I knew it.
She just want to get all the credit for herself.
Oh, great.
Mr. Poop-Butt the Walking Skidmark is here.
How do I look, Nay-Nay?
I must admit, better than your normal trainwreck style.
But I don't have time for your mess today.
I have a very important guest.
That's the guy that punched me in the dick
at the election debate!
You got your wrist caught in my hangers!
An unpleasant experience for us both.
Can we please do this another time?
What in the hell?
We are members of this committee,
and this is important committee business.
Rude, rude...
And fucking rude.
Now, where are you hiding that fine-ass councilman?
Come on in, estranged husband and every damn body else.
God damn.
Them motherfuckers deep in that bitch.
We gonna need the rest of the boys to handle this shit.
This looks like a major drug gang sitdown.
Time to call in the big guns.
Mmm.
This spaghetti is delicious.
What's your secret?
Ketchup, Hi-C, and grape cough syrup.
Now that's my penitentiary protégé right there.
Mom, my swim team is ready to go.
And don't Dad look sharp in his new coat?
Not now, boy.
Councilman, I thought we could talk about how we're losing
our youth to the drug gangs.
Just a moment.
I need to get some footage for my campaign ad
of me discussing the issues.
Bring in the crew!
- Oh! - Hey!
- Whoa. - Oh, all--all right.
I--I can work with this.
In the last year, crime in this neighborhood has gone up 27%--
Oh, oh, there's no sound.
We're just getting behind the scenes B-roll,
so it doesn't matter what you say.
Action!
Issues, issues, issues.
Okay, nod like you're impressed with my solutions.
Impressed, impressed, impressed.
That is enough!
I am not here to be a prop in your commercial.
In your face, phony Freddie!
Or to star in a love story with you
and your dumbass new coat.
What you mean? Get your hand off!
I am having a serious discussion with the councilman
about the scourge of--drugs!
I sure hope that's confectioner's sugar.
Wait, no, no, no, that's not daddy's.
No, he's clean!
I can't believe you brought drugs to my home
with the councilman, our children,
and Richard's new girlfriend, Allison here.
She knows my name!
Now, now.
No need for this to get out of hand.
Give us my, shit, you no-drawers-wearing-ass nigga.
Oh, we are way past out of hand.
Oh, God, Henry, what'd you do?
Nothing! I--I swear!
- Freeze! - Federal agents!
I do not know this woman!
All you gangsters, put your hands up!
Except you ladies, who are obviously hostages.
That is because we're white.
Ah.
Okay, now, everybody, let's just calm down.
This is all a misunderstanding.
My daddy is clean.
I just happened to pick up the wrong coat
from under the bus bench that happened
to have drugs in the pocket.
And a gun.
all: Gun!
Ah!
Ah, shit! My glasses!
What is going on?
I am proud the federal authorities acted on my tip
that a drug gang was operating out of this home,
which is the only reason I'd be here.
Bridges for Senate.
Thank you, Councilman.
And here come the despicable members
of the Hart crime family.
This can't be happening.
Henry Hart, what was I thinking
letting you back in my house?
I never wanna see you again.
You can die for all I care,
Kevin.
I cannot have a child of gangsters on my swim team!
Okay, but I didn't even-- we didn't even--
all I wanted to do was--
Guys, we'll have to find someone to replace Kevin!
We'll be okay, Principal Johnson.
Like I always say, it pays to stay positive.
Wait, what?
Oh, Brian, you're so optimistic.
You're not like the other boys in this neighborhood.
You don't fool around with dumb stuff like drugs or guns.
Would you be my boyfriend?
Mwah!
The Hart crime family.
You can die for all I care!
We'll have to replace Kevin!
Boyfriend?
Motherfucker!
Kevin!
I taught you to never talk like that.
No, I don't care anymore!
I always play by the rules and look on the bright side.
And what does it get me? Shit.
Well, fuck positivity and fuck this fucking neighborhood!
Come on. Take it easy, Lil Kev.
Don't call me that.
None of y'all call me Lil Kev anymore.
From now on, I'm Dark Kev!
I always thought that was his name.
Where are you going?
I don't know, but I'm getting the fuck out of here!
♪ Busting you up, cutting you up ♪
Man. That kid is crazy.
Run, Dark Kev, run!
That felt so fucking good!
Uh-oh. What the heck did I do?
♪ The devil in my eyes, pitchfork in my fist ♪
♪ You don't want, you don't want ♪
♪ You don't want none of this ♪
♪ You don't want, you don't want ♪
♪ You don't want none of this ♪
♪ You don't want, you don't want ♪
♪ You don't want none of this ♪
♪ You don't want, you don't want ♪
♪ You don't want none of this ♪