WEBVTT

1
00:00:05,266 --> 00:00:09,139
Tiger Butler lines up
for his big drive.

2
00:00:09,183 --> 00:00:12,229
The gallery oohs
in anticipation.

3
00:00:12,273 --> 00:00:16,451
I said the gallery oohs
in anticipation.

4
00:00:16,494 --> 00:00:18,018
[weakly]:
Ooh.

5
00:00:20,020 --> 00:00:23,240
The gallery forgets Tiger
let him live here rent free.

6
00:00:23,284 --> 00:00:24,676
Whoo!

7
00:00:24,720 --> 00:00:26,939
Oh!

8
00:00:26,983 --> 00:00:28,941
Oh, a beautiful shot!

9
00:00:28,985 --> 00:00:30,465
400 yards.

10
00:00:30,508 --> 00:00:32,989
It bounces once,
it bounces again...

11
00:00:33,033 --> 00:00:35,035
Can you just get
to the hole in one already?

12
00:00:35,078 --> 00:00:36,775
It's your fifth one in a row.

13
00:00:36,819 --> 00:00:39,082
It's his fifth one in a row!

14
00:00:39,126 --> 00:00:41,128
He might just be
the greatest of...

15
00:00:41,171 --> 00:00:43,130
All time.Of all time!

16
00:00:44,870 --> 00:00:45,828
Yeah.

17
00:00:45,871 --> 00:00:47,699
Get in the hole!

18
00:00:48,874 --> 00:00:52,095
Ooh! That's a monster
drive, and it's...

19
00:00:52,139 --> 00:00:53,792
in the hole!

20
00:00:53,836 --> 00:00:56,099
The crowd goes wild.

21
00:00:56,143 --> 00:00:57,448
I can't believe I'm saying this,

22
00:00:57,492 --> 00:00:59,146
but why can't you be
more like Dave?

23
00:01:01,104 --> 00:01:02,888
I didn't know you
played golf, Calvin.

24
00:01:02,932 --> 00:01:04,890
Yeah, I used to, but then I had

25
00:01:04,934 --> 00:01:07,806
this one and the other one,
now I'm a two handicap.

26
00:01:09,025 --> 00:01:11,114
You know, I used to play
all the time back at home

27
00:01:11,158 --> 00:01:12,985
until a gang took
over our course.

28
00:01:13,029 --> 00:01:15,162
Oh, I didn't know they
had gangs in Kalamazoo.

29
00:01:15,205 --> 00:01:16,859
Canada geese.

30
00:01:18,252 --> 00:01:22,082
For Canadians,
incredibly vicious.

31
00:01:22,125 --> 00:01:23,692
So what's going on,
you playing soon?

32
00:01:23,735 --> 00:01:25,911
Yeah, a customer gave me
a couple of guest rounds

33
00:01:25,955 --> 00:01:27,130
at Hillmount.

34
00:01:27,174 --> 00:01:29,132
Ooh, Hillmount.
Yeah.

35
00:01:29,176 --> 00:01:31,308
That's exclusive.
Well, have fun.

36
00:01:31,352 --> 00:01:33,615
Hey, Dave, since you play,
why don't you come with me?

37
00:01:38,141 --> 00:01:39,621
Are you inviting Dave?

38
00:01:39,664 --> 00:01:43,712
Yeah... are you inviting Dave?

39
00:01:43,755 --> 00:01:44,930
Yes.

40
00:01:44,974 --> 00:01:46,671
[chuckles] Uh, this Dave?

41
00:01:46,715 --> 00:01:48,325
Yes.

42
00:01:48,369 --> 00:01:51,372
Well, in that case, Dave is in.

43
00:01:51,415 --> 00:01:54,679
Can Dave stop talking in third
person? I only have two passes.

44
00:01:54,723 --> 00:01:55,985
I'm sorry, Dave's just excited

45
00:01:56,028 --> 00:01:57,421
because he's been waiting
for this moment

46
00:01:57,465 --> 00:01:58,770
for a really long time.

47
00:01:58,814 --> 00:02:01,556
And Calvin's starting
to regret it.

48
00:02:01,599 --> 00:02:03,732
Malcolm's just really confused.

49
00:02:05,342 --> 00:02:07,214
♪ Welcome to the block,
welcome to the neighborhood ♪

50
00:02:07,257 --> 00:02:08,519
♪ Welcome to the hood.

51
00:02:19,443 --> 00:02:21,358
How do I look?

52
00:02:21,402 --> 00:02:23,230
Like you're ready
to hit a golf ball,

53
00:02:23,273 --> 00:02:26,450
look for it, not find it,
and do it again for four hours.

54
00:02:28,235 --> 00:02:29,366
Can I come?

55
00:02:29,410 --> 00:02:30,715
Ooh, sorry, buddy,

56
00:02:30,759 --> 00:02:31,760
Mr. Calvin only had
one extra pass,

57
00:02:31,803 --> 00:02:32,935
and, uh...
[chuckles]

58
00:02:32,978 --> 00:02:34,850
he gave it to me.

59
00:02:36,460 --> 00:02:39,202
Sweetie, I know how excited
you are that Calvin invited you

60
00:02:39,246 --> 00:02:40,595
to do something one-on-one,

61
00:02:40,638 --> 00:02:42,771
but maybe you should try
to play it a little cool.

62
00:02:42,814 --> 00:02:44,251
I know, y-you're right,

63
00:02:44,294 --> 00:02:46,253
sometimes my enthusiasm
can get the best of me.

64
00:02:46,296 --> 00:02:47,950
The last thing
I want to do is...

65
00:02:47,993 --> 00:02:50,170
[car horn honks]Got to go.

66
00:02:50,213 --> 00:02:51,736
Don't wait up.

67
00:02:51,780 --> 00:02:54,435
Well, kiddo, I guess
it's just you and...
Bye, Mom.

68
00:02:54,478 --> 00:02:56,001
Wait, where are you going?

69
00:02:56,045 --> 00:02:59,222
Next door to play video games
with Malcolm and Marty.

70
00:02:59,266 --> 00:03:01,137
I thought you and I
were gonna hang out.

71
00:03:01,181 --> 00:03:04,227
Thanks, but I'm not really
in the mood for mom stuff.

72
00:03:04,271 --> 00:03:05,924
What, Mom stuff?

73
00:03:05,968 --> 00:03:07,361
Wait, what's that
supposed to mean?

74
00:03:07,404 --> 00:03:11,800
Well, there's mom stuff
and there's fun stuff.

75
00:03:11,843 --> 00:03:15,238
Wha...? I'm fun.

76
00:03:15,282 --> 00:03:17,153
Yeah, but not
like Dad.

77
00:03:17,197 --> 00:03:18,415
Last week

78
00:03:18,459 --> 00:03:19,851
we chopped a worm in half,

79
00:03:19,895 --> 00:03:22,245
and it turned into two worms.

80
00:03:22,289 --> 00:03:26,510
Well, moms can do
fun stuff, too.

81
00:03:26,554 --> 00:03:28,817
Ooh, I know, we could go
to Color Me Mine

82
00:03:28,860 --> 00:03:33,169
and paint some ceramic swans.
You used to love that, remember?

83
00:03:33,213 --> 00:03:36,825
Oh, we can go crazy
and paint the feathers purple.

84
00:03:36,868 --> 00:03:38,783
I'll be next door.

85
00:03:41,525 --> 00:03:44,093
Oh, thank you, my good man.

86
00:03:44,136 --> 00:03:45,964
Oh, sir?
Yeah?

87
00:03:46,008 --> 00:03:47,531
I'm sorry, there's actually
no hats allowed

88
00:03:47,575 --> 00:03:48,750
inside the clubhouse.

89
00:03:48,793 --> 00:03:50,839
Good to know. All right.

90
00:03:50,882 --> 00:03:54,930
You know what?
Here's a little tip for the tip.

91
00:03:54,973 --> 00:03:56,671
Thank you.

92
00:03:56,714 --> 00:03:58,629
Calvin,
what's going on?

93
00:03:58,673 --> 00:04:00,065
You've tipped four people

94
00:04:00,109 --> 00:04:01,850
since we got out of the car,
including Michael Keaton,

95
00:04:01,893 --> 00:04:03,852
who I'm pretty sure
does not work here.

96
00:04:03,895 --> 00:04:07,682
I mean, he was
Batman and Mr. Mom.

97
00:04:07,725 --> 00:04:09,205
That guy has range.

98
00:04:11,251 --> 00:04:13,165
I'm just saying
it's not like you.

99
00:04:13,209 --> 00:04:15,211
Well, you know what else
isn't like me?

100
00:04:15,255 --> 00:04:17,692
Everyone here.
Take a look around, Dave.

101
00:04:17,735 --> 00:04:20,999
Okay, yes, we know
you're the only one

102
00:04:21,043 --> 00:04:23,001
who can pull off
matching argyle.

103
00:04:24,046 --> 00:04:27,615
No, Dave-- well, yes.

104
00:04:27,658 --> 00:04:30,661
But what I meant was
I'm the only black guy here.

105
00:04:32,533 --> 00:04:34,274
Huh.

106
00:04:36,537 --> 00:04:38,190
Well, I didn't even notice.

107
00:04:38,234 --> 00:04:40,584
That's because you don't
have to have your antenna up.

108
00:04:40,628 --> 00:04:41,716
What does that mean?

109
00:04:41,759 --> 00:04:44,196
It means that you
naturally fit in,

110
00:04:44,240 --> 00:04:45,372
but I stand out.

111
00:04:45,415 --> 00:04:47,156
That's why I have to
dress sharp, man,

112
00:04:47,199 --> 00:04:49,854
and give out a bunch of tips
to people that don't deserve it.

113
00:04:49,898 --> 00:04:53,684
Okay, well, what about
Michael Keaton?

114
00:04:53,728 --> 00:04:56,252
I snuck in the movie theater
to see Beetlejuice,

115
00:04:56,296 --> 00:04:57,775
so I felt like I owed him.

116
00:05:00,125 --> 00:05:02,345
Look, as the only
black guy in the room,

117
00:05:02,389 --> 00:05:05,435
you just know that
everybody's waiting on you

118
00:05:05,479 --> 00:05:08,177
to reinforce the
negative stereotypes.

119
00:05:08,220 --> 00:05:09,570
That's why I have
to represent.

120
00:05:09,613 --> 00:05:12,660
Okay, Calvin, I think
you're being ridiculous.

121
00:05:12,703 --> 00:05:14,749
No one here is seeing you
as a representative

122
00:05:14,792 --> 00:05:16,185
of all black people.

123
00:05:16,228 --> 00:05:19,101
Are you sure? Because
you're the only person

124
00:05:19,144 --> 00:05:22,496
I know from Kalamazoo, and
I assume that everyone there

125
00:05:22,539 --> 00:05:25,325
is overly positive
and always smiling

126
00:05:25,368 --> 00:05:26,978
and giving babies
high fives.

127
00:05:27,022 --> 00:05:30,765
Well, yes, of course
we're positive.

128
00:05:30,808 --> 00:05:33,681
Calvin, it's the celery
capital of the world!

129
00:05:35,813 --> 00:05:38,599
I think it's so cute
that Calvin and Dave

130
00:05:38,642 --> 00:05:40,296
are on their little "man date."

131
00:05:40,340 --> 00:05:42,124
Dave was so excited
this morning,

132
00:05:42,167 --> 00:05:45,780
it took him a half hour to pick
out "the right pair of khakis."

133
00:05:45,823 --> 00:05:47,782
Calvin tried not to show it,

134
00:05:47,825 --> 00:05:49,610
but I could tell
he was excited, too.

135
00:05:49,653 --> 00:05:51,176
Oh, really? How?

136
00:05:51,220 --> 00:05:53,440
I don't know, girl, I'm just
trying to throw you a bone.

137
00:05:53,483 --> 00:05:55,006
[laughs]

138
00:05:56,747 --> 00:05:58,140
Can I ask you
a question?

139
00:05:58,183 --> 00:06:00,055
Do you think I'm fun?

140
00:06:00,098 --> 00:06:01,839
Of course. Why?

141
00:06:01,883 --> 00:06:04,059
Well, Grover didn't want
to hang out with me today

142
00:06:04,102 --> 00:06:07,062
because he says I only do
"boring mom stuff."

143
00:06:07,105 --> 00:06:09,978
[sighs] Not the ceramic swan
painting again.

144
00:06:10,021 --> 00:06:12,328
You said you loved that.

145
00:06:12,372 --> 00:06:14,417
Again, another bone.

146
00:06:14,461 --> 00:06:17,333
Look, don't
worry about it,

147
00:06:17,377 --> 00:06:20,902
Grover's just going through
a daddy phase. It's natural.

148
00:06:20,945 --> 00:06:25,428
All he and Dave do for fun
are violent and dirty things,

149
00:06:25,472 --> 00:06:27,430
mostly to worms.

150
00:06:27,474 --> 00:06:29,737
Don't worry about it,
he'll come back around.

151
00:06:29,780 --> 00:06:33,305
Now that my boys are grown,
I'm back to being number one.

152
00:06:33,349 --> 00:06:36,439
'Sup, mamas?
Mmm, Marty,

153
00:06:36,483 --> 00:06:38,006
who's cooler, me or your dad?

154
00:06:38,049 --> 00:06:39,964
Is this a trap?

155
00:06:42,010 --> 00:06:44,229
Of course not, baby,
I just want your honest opinion.

156
00:06:44,273 --> 00:06:46,406
Oh, well, "cool"
is kind of subjective...

157
00:06:46,449 --> 00:06:48,190
No, it's not!
Cool is what your mother is.

158
00:06:50,235 --> 00:06:52,368
Okay, uh, well,
it-it-it's kind of like,

159
00:06:52,412 --> 00:06:54,196
Dad is cool in dad ways,

160
00:06:54,239 --> 00:06:56,764
like when he restores old cars
or schools everybody at poker,

161
00:06:56,807 --> 00:07:00,637
and-and you're cool, you're
cool in-in mom ways, like,

162
00:07:00,681 --> 00:07:02,857
like when you cut my sandwiches
into little butterflies.

163
00:07:05,250 --> 00:07:06,774
All right.

164
00:07:09,037 --> 00:07:11,039
Welcome to the boring mom club.

165
00:07:11,082 --> 00:07:13,824
Oh, hell no.
No, that's not fair.

166
00:07:13,868 --> 00:07:15,913
Just because we have to be
the responsible ones,

167
00:07:15,957 --> 00:07:17,524
dads get to have all the fun?

168
00:07:17,567 --> 00:07:21,223
[sighs] What were you
gonna do today?

169
00:07:21,266 --> 00:07:23,094
Hello? Ceramic swans.

170
00:07:24,444 --> 00:07:26,184
No, okay?

171
00:07:26,228 --> 00:07:29,710
We're gonna show those boys that
moms can be just as fun as dads.

172
00:07:29,753 --> 00:07:31,363
Get your purse,
we're going shopping.

173
00:07:31,407 --> 00:07:33,409
For what?

174
00:07:34,541 --> 00:07:36,368
[screaming]

175
00:07:36,412 --> 00:07:38,675
It's on, suckas!
Yeah!

176
00:07:38,719 --> 00:07:42,070
We're gonna make you regret
the day we gave birth to you.

177
00:07:42,113 --> 00:07:44,115
[screams]

178
00:07:46,074 --> 00:07:49,599
I got to admit, Dave,
your golf game isn't half bad.

179
00:07:49,643 --> 00:07:51,514
You had me on my toes
there for a while.

180
00:07:51,558 --> 00:07:55,562
Yeah, until that stupid
goose attacked me.
[laughs]

181
00:07:55,605 --> 00:07:59,217
Oh, yeah, yeah,
he got you good. Look,

182
00:07:59,261 --> 00:08:01,611
there you are hiding
in the sand trap.

183
00:08:03,874 --> 00:08:05,397
And there he is
finding you.

184
00:08:05,441 --> 00:08:07,182
[laughs]

185
00:08:07,225 --> 00:08:08,923
You know, I could've
used some backup.

186
00:08:08,966 --> 00:08:10,533
Oh, street rules, Dave.

187
00:08:10,577 --> 00:08:13,014
His boys stayed out of it,
I stayed out of it.

188
00:08:13,057 --> 00:08:15,669
I'll tell you what,

189
00:08:15,712 --> 00:08:18,410
I'll make it up to you.
Lunch is on me, all right?

190
00:08:18,454 --> 00:08:22,458
Uh, maybe they got duck on the
menu, you can get some revenge.

191
00:08:22,502 --> 00:08:24,112
Sounds good. I'm gonna
go to the bathroom

192
00:08:24,155 --> 00:08:27,855
and get this, uh,
sand out of my pants.

193
00:08:27,898 --> 00:08:30,553
Hello there, um, table for two.

194
00:08:30,597 --> 00:08:32,816
Certainly. Uh, it's gonna be
about a half an hour

195
00:08:32,860 --> 00:08:34,296
to 40 minutes.
Is that all right?

196
00:08:34,339 --> 00:08:36,733
Okay, sure, um, name's Butler.

197
00:08:37,995 --> 00:08:41,346
Oh... I gave my last five
to the groundskeeper

198
00:08:41,390 --> 00:08:43,871
to sic a goose on my friend.

199
00:08:43,914 --> 00:08:45,481
We'll call your name
when your table's ready.

200
00:08:45,525 --> 00:08:48,005
I sicced a goose on my friend.

201
00:08:52,444 --> 00:08:54,446
So the bathroom
attendant told me

202
00:08:54,490 --> 00:08:56,710
that it was mating season,
so apparently

203
00:08:56,753 --> 00:08:58,146
the goose was just
really into me.

204
00:08:58,189 --> 00:08:59,539
[laughs]

205
00:08:59,582 --> 00:09:00,757
Hey, did you put
our name in?

206
00:09:00,801 --> 00:09:03,151
Yeah, but he said
it's gonna be, like,

207
00:09:03,194 --> 00:09:06,502
a half an hour to 40 minutes.
You know what? You should ask.

208
00:09:06,546 --> 00:09:07,808
Why?

209
00:09:07,851 --> 00:09:09,984
Because of your
charm and good looks.

210
00:09:10,027 --> 00:09:11,638
Oh, really?

211
00:09:11,681 --> 00:09:14,945
No, Dave, because you're white.

212
00:09:14,989 --> 00:09:17,992
You really think that's gonna
help us get a table faster?

213
00:09:18,035 --> 00:09:19,428
Look, it might.

214
00:09:19,471 --> 00:09:21,517
It's like when you're trying
to go into a nightclub,

215
00:09:21,561 --> 00:09:22,953
you get to skip the line

216
00:09:22,997 --> 00:09:24,825
if you walk in
with a beautiful lady.

217
00:09:24,868 --> 00:09:28,306
So, because I'm white,
I'm your beautiful lady?

218
00:09:28,350 --> 00:09:29,656
[chuckles]

219
00:09:29,699 --> 00:09:31,353
The goose thought so.

220
00:09:31,396 --> 00:09:33,660
Okay.
[laughs]

221
00:09:33,703 --> 00:09:36,532
Calvin, it's not gonna
make any difference.

222
00:09:36,576 --> 00:09:38,360
All right, well, prove me wrong.

223
00:09:38,403 --> 00:09:40,188
Happily.

224
00:09:40,231 --> 00:09:41,842
Hi.

225
00:09:41,885 --> 00:09:44,148
Uh, yeah, excuse me, uh, can
I get a table for two, please?

226
00:09:44,192 --> 00:09:45,628
Of course,
but it's gonna be about

227
00:09:45,672 --> 00:09:48,283
a half an hour to 40 minutes.
Is that all right?

228
00:09:48,326 --> 00:09:50,328
Oh, it's great.
Uh, the name's Johnson.

229
00:09:52,374 --> 00:09:54,158
You were wrong.

230
00:09:54,202 --> 00:09:56,639
30 to 40 minutes,
just the same as you.

231
00:09:56,683 --> 00:09:59,207
I mean, well,
it was worth a try.

232
00:09:59,250 --> 00:10:01,383
Yeah, well, you're lucky
I'm not the kind of guy to say,

233
00:10:01,426 --> 00:10:02,558
"I told you so," because...

234
00:10:02,602 --> 00:10:05,039
Johnson, party of two,
your table's ready.

235
00:10:05,082 --> 00:10:08,172
[chuckles]
Ladies first.

236
00:10:16,877 --> 00:10:20,837
Great table, Dave.
Thanks for being born so pale.

237
00:10:20,881 --> 00:10:22,622
Would you stop it?

238
00:10:22,665 --> 00:10:24,841
Look, you can thank me for
my kindness, my cheerful spirit,

239
00:10:24,885 --> 00:10:27,191
or my signature guacamole,
but not this.

240
00:10:27,235 --> 00:10:30,194
Because you know this
was a mistake, right?

241
00:10:30,238 --> 00:10:31,543
No, the only mistake
was not pulling

242
00:10:31,587 --> 00:10:33,458
my "Dave card" out sooner.

243
00:10:33,502 --> 00:10:35,983
I mean, the reward points
are amazing.

244
00:10:36,026 --> 00:10:39,116
Ooh, fish tacos!

245
00:10:39,160 --> 00:10:41,031
You know, I'm sure
there's a perfectly logical

246
00:10:41,075 --> 00:10:42,467
explanation for this.

247
00:10:42,511 --> 00:10:43,686
Uh, excuse me.

248
00:10:43,730 --> 00:10:45,122
Yes? Is everything all right?

249
00:10:45,166 --> 00:10:46,863
Yeah, just a quick question, um,

250
00:10:46,907 --> 00:10:49,213
you know, my friend here put
his name down before I did,

251
00:10:49,257 --> 00:10:51,694
and-and somehow
I got a table first.

252
00:10:51,738 --> 00:10:53,522
I am so sorry.

253
00:10:53,565 --> 00:10:56,133
We were totally swamped,
uh, we had a cancellation,

254
00:10:56,177 --> 00:10:57,787
you were the last person
I had spoken to...

255
00:10:57,831 --> 00:10:58,962
Look, there's no excuse.

256
00:10:59,006 --> 00:11:00,790
Please, uh,
let me comp your meal.

257
00:11:00,834 --> 00:11:03,010
Oh, thank you.Of course.

258
00:11:03,053 --> 00:11:04,881
You see that?

259
00:11:04,925 --> 00:11:08,319
A completely innocent mix-up.
Race had nothing to do with it.

260
00:11:08,363 --> 00:11:10,800
All right, think what
you want to, Dave.

261
00:11:10,844 --> 00:11:12,976
All I know is my Dave card
got me upgraded

262
00:11:13,020 --> 00:11:15,457
from fish tacos to lobster.

263
00:11:18,678 --> 00:11:22,682
Whoa, cool!

264
00:11:22,725 --> 00:11:25,293
I thought you said I
couldn't play with guns.

265
00:11:25,336 --> 00:11:27,251
Well, that was before
you said I wasn't fun.

266
00:11:27,295 --> 00:11:29,645
Besides, these aren't guns,
they're blasters.

267
00:11:29,689 --> 00:11:31,299
But don't tell your teachers.

268
00:11:32,561 --> 00:11:35,433
All right, let's do this.
What are the teams?

269
00:11:35,477 --> 00:11:38,610
Johnsons versus Butlers.
Battle for the block!

270
00:11:38,654 --> 00:11:40,308
Ooh![laughs]

271
00:11:40,351 --> 00:11:42,963
Really, Gemma?
You two versus us three?

272
00:11:43,006 --> 00:11:44,268
It's, like, a little kid
and his mom...

273
00:11:44,312 --> 00:11:46,314
MALCOLM:
Ooh.

274
00:11:49,665 --> 00:11:51,188
Oh, it's on.

275
00:11:51,232 --> 00:11:53,538
Ooh!Come on, Grover, take cover!

276
00:11:53,582 --> 00:11:56,324
Troops, take your positions![shouts]

277
00:11:58,892 --> 00:12:00,807
[shouts]

278
00:12:00,850 --> 00:12:02,722
Marty, Marty.

279
00:12:04,593 --> 00:12:07,161
What? I-I see you, Mom.
Hi. Ah...

280
00:12:07,204 --> 00:12:09,337
Malcolm, Malcolm.

281
00:12:09,380 --> 00:12:10,686
Yeah, I got you, Ma.

282
00:12:10,730 --> 00:12:11,992
Black power!

283
00:12:14,821 --> 00:12:16,779
Hey, hey, guys,
just cover me, all right?

284
00:12:16,823 --> 00:12:18,999
I'm going in.
[grunting]

285
00:12:26,006 --> 00:12:28,660
Now let me show you
how it's done.

286
00:12:29,836 --> 00:12:31,141
Wait, wait! Ow, ow!

287
00:12:31,185 --> 00:12:32,316
Ow! Ah...

288
00:12:34,492 --> 00:12:36,059
That's how it's done!

289
00:12:36,103 --> 00:12:39,367
Get him, boys,
defend your mother!

290
00:12:39,410 --> 00:12:41,151
[shouts] Come on, Grover,
retreat, retreat.

291
00:12:41,195 --> 00:12:42,370
Back to home base.

292
00:12:42,413 --> 00:12:44,415
[shouting]

293
00:12:46,113 --> 00:12:47,767
[cheers]
Boys!

294
00:12:47,810 --> 00:12:49,159
Boys, wait!

295
00:12:49,203 --> 00:12:50,900
You want us to hold
our position here?

296
00:12:50,944 --> 00:12:52,554
No. Come help me up.

297
00:12:52,597 --> 00:12:54,599
My barrel roll
ain't what it used to be.

298
00:12:56,732 --> 00:12:59,300
Just so you know, even though
they comped this meal,

299
00:12:59,343 --> 00:13:01,519
it still counts as my treat.

300
00:13:01,563 --> 00:13:04,566
Okay, you know,
Calvin, tell me this,

301
00:13:04,609 --> 00:13:07,830
if this place is so racist, why
were you willing to eat here?

302
00:13:07,874 --> 00:13:10,180
No one said it was racist.

303
00:13:10,224 --> 00:13:13,183
I just saw an opportunity
to use your white privilege.

304
00:13:13,227 --> 00:13:16,665
And it's delicious.

305
00:13:16,708 --> 00:13:18,406
I got a table by mistake.

306
00:13:18,449 --> 00:13:20,756
I don't think that's exactly
white privilege.

307
00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:22,540
See? That's white privilege
right there.

308
00:13:22,584 --> 00:13:25,152
Not knowing
that you're benefiting from it.

309
00:13:25,195 --> 00:13:26,849
Okay, I-I know that

310
00:13:26,893 --> 00:13:30,026
I have certain social advantages
on occasion

311
00:13:30,070 --> 00:13:32,202
because of the color
of my skin.

312
00:13:32,246 --> 00:13:33,421
I'm woke.

313
00:13:33,464 --> 00:13:36,250
[laughs]

314
00:13:36,293 --> 00:13:37,991
Dave, you about as woke as I am

315
00:13:38,034 --> 00:13:40,210
when Tina puts on a movie
with subtitles.

316
00:13:40,254 --> 00:13:43,735
Okay, well, then,
please enlighten me.

317
00:13:43,779 --> 00:13:45,172
[sighs]

318
00:13:45,215 --> 00:13:47,522
Dave, your white privilege

319
00:13:47,565 --> 00:13:49,741
isn't something that kicks in
on occasion,

320
00:13:49,785 --> 00:13:52,353
it's something you benefit
from every day.

321
00:13:52,396 --> 00:13:54,746
You play by a different
set of rules.

322
00:13:54,790 --> 00:13:57,401
It's like life is golf,
and you get to tee off

323
00:13:57,445 --> 00:14:00,100
from the women's tee,
which you did.

324
00:14:01,753 --> 00:14:04,844
Only once, and that was
after that goose dug me up

325
00:14:04,887 --> 00:14:05,845
in the sand trap.

326
00:14:07,281 --> 00:14:09,152
[chuckles]: Look, look, man,
it doesn't even matter,

327
00:14:09,196 --> 00:14:11,546
all right?
I'm not mad at youfor it.

328
00:14:11,589 --> 00:14:13,548
Okay, well,
with all due respect,

329
00:14:13,591 --> 00:14:16,377
I ju-- I think you're seeing
something that's not there.

330
00:14:16,420 --> 00:14:18,509
Really? Okay.

331
00:14:18,553 --> 00:14:20,250
Put this on.

332
00:14:20,294 --> 00:14:22,035
Yeah, well,
there's a no-hat policy.

333
00:14:22,078 --> 00:14:23,775
They made you take it off.

334
00:14:23,819 --> 00:14:27,127
Exactly. But I bet if you
put it on, nothing will happen.

335
00:14:27,170 --> 00:14:29,216
Except maybe me looking better
in it than you.

336
00:14:30,260 --> 00:14:33,568
Like I said,
nothing will happen.

337
00:14:33,611 --> 00:14:35,962
Okay, yeah, fine,
but you'll see.

338
00:14:36,005 --> 00:14:38,834
The same rules that apply to you
apply to me.

339
00:14:38,878 --> 00:14:39,879
All right.

340
00:14:43,970 --> 00:14:45,797
I just hope people notice me
in it.

341
00:14:48,670 --> 00:14:50,019
[door thuds][grunts]

342
00:14:50,063 --> 00:14:51,455
All right, soldiers, move in!

343
00:14:51,499 --> 00:14:52,979
Move.

344
00:14:53,022 --> 00:14:55,677
All right, Johnsons,
we got you surrounded.

345
00:14:55,720 --> 00:14:57,679
If you don't surrender
in 30 seconds,

346
00:14:57,722 --> 00:14:59,463
we're coming in after you.

347
00:14:59,507 --> 00:15:01,248
We'll never surrender!

348
00:15:01,291 --> 00:15:03,946
Mom, I think we
have to surrender.

349
00:15:03,990 --> 00:15:07,471
Come on, Grover,
don't be such a wuss.

350
00:15:07,515 --> 00:15:08,951
Did you just call me a wuss?

351
00:15:08,995 --> 00:15:10,692
Yeah, what are you gonna do
about it, cry to your mommy?

352
00:15:12,607 --> 00:15:15,218
How could you boys ever think
I wasn't fun?

353
00:15:15,262 --> 00:15:17,438
Oh-- it's not that
you're not fun, Ma,

354
00:15:17,481 --> 00:15:19,831
it's just that Pop's
always more spontaneous.

355
00:15:19,875 --> 00:15:22,399
Oh, well, you don't think
I can be spontaneous?

356
00:15:22,443 --> 00:15:24,401
Mom, it's not
your strong suit, so...

357
00:15:24,445 --> 00:15:27,491
[shouts]
God...

358
00:15:27,535 --> 00:15:31,582
What? Do I have a target
on my neck or something?

359
00:15:31,626 --> 00:15:34,150
New game. I'm going in
with the Johnsons!

360
00:15:34,194 --> 00:15:36,326
Yes! See, Grover?

361
00:15:36,370 --> 00:15:38,241
This is why you never surrender.

362
00:15:38,285 --> 00:15:39,460
You were right!

363
00:15:39,503 --> 00:15:40,809
But now you better run.

364
00:15:40,852 --> 00:15:42,158
Moms against sons!

365
00:15:42,202 --> 00:15:44,160
Oh, this is the best day ever!

366
00:15:44,204 --> 00:15:46,336
Oh!No!

367
00:15:46,380 --> 00:15:47,903
Leave him! Leave him!

368
00:15:50,732 --> 00:15:52,995
Oh, sweetie, sweetie,
are you okay?

369
00:15:53,039 --> 00:15:55,693
Oh, I think I hit my funny bone.

370
00:15:55,737 --> 00:15:57,957
Oh, do you want Mommy to kiss it
and make it better?

371
00:15:58,000 --> 00:15:59,175
Yeah.

372
00:15:59,219 --> 00:16:03,005
See? Sometimes mom stuff
isn't so bad, right?

373
00:16:04,006 --> 00:16:05,181
You okay now?

374
00:16:05,225 --> 00:16:07,009
Yeah, thanks, Mom.

375
00:16:07,053 --> 00:16:08,445
Good.

376
00:16:08,489 --> 00:16:10,621
Now run, wuss!You better run!

377
00:16:10,665 --> 00:16:13,233
Yeah! Go, go!You better run!

378
00:16:15,800 --> 00:16:17,367
This food was delicious.

379
00:16:17,411 --> 00:16:20,414
I, uh, tip my hat to the chef.

380
00:16:21,806 --> 00:16:23,112
But I do not take it off.

381
00:16:25,027 --> 00:16:26,768
It's been ten minutes, Dave.

382
00:16:26,811 --> 00:16:28,726
If that loud "phone call"

383
00:16:28,770 --> 00:16:30,250
thanking your hatmaker
didn't work,

384
00:16:30,293 --> 00:16:32,034
I don't think anything will.

385
00:16:32,078 --> 00:16:34,384
You're right, I'm probably
being too subtle.

386
00:16:34,428 --> 00:16:37,387
Uh, he-- excuse me,
bartender? Uh...

387
00:16:37,431 --> 00:16:41,217
I know it's only the afternoon,
but I sure could use a nightcap.

388
00:16:41,261 --> 00:16:45,091
[chuckles] Do you know
how to make a Man-hat-tan?

389
00:16:46,962 --> 00:16:48,572
[chuckles]

390
00:16:48,616 --> 00:16:50,270
I mean, do you believe me now,

391
00:16:50,313 --> 00:16:53,273
or should we both go outside
and see who can hail a cab?

392
00:16:53,316 --> 00:16:56,058
No, you, you. Perfect.

393
00:16:56,102 --> 00:16:58,234
Anything you want to
say to me? You know,

394
00:16:58,278 --> 00:17:00,410
off the top of your head?

395
00:17:00,454 --> 00:17:04,675
Um, I hope you had a pleasant
experience at Hillmount?

396
00:17:04,719 --> 00:17:06,982
How can you say that?

397
00:17:07,026 --> 00:17:09,202
Because they tell us to?

398
00:17:09,245 --> 00:17:12,379
See? I told you so.

399
00:17:12,422 --> 00:17:14,381
Huh-- do you remember
the rules now?

400
00:17:14,424 --> 00:17:16,557
You're letting him walk around
with the hat on,

401
00:17:16,600 --> 00:17:18,341
but you made me take it off.

402
00:17:18,385 --> 00:17:20,996
Uh, I'm sorry, guys,
I don't want any trouble here.

403
00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:22,389
Well, you found it,
because you're messing

404
00:17:22,432 --> 00:17:24,434
with the wrong
woke white dude.

405
00:17:26,697 --> 00:17:30,092
The rules should be
the same for everyone.

406
00:17:30,136 --> 00:17:31,963
I mean, did you see
what just happened here?

407
00:17:32,007 --> 00:17:33,269
This was a travesty!

408
00:17:33,313 --> 00:17:34,531
Okay, Dave, chill out.

409
00:17:34,575 --> 00:17:36,403
I still have
a cappuccino coming.

410
00:17:36,446 --> 00:17:38,796
No. No, Calvin,

411
00:17:38,840 --> 00:17:41,016
it's-it's not right.

412
00:17:41,060 --> 00:17:43,018
If my friend can't
wear a hat in here,

413
00:17:43,062 --> 00:17:45,412
none of us should be able
to wear a hat in here.

414
00:17:47,892 --> 00:17:51,200
Dave, that's my hat, man.
What the hell?

415
00:17:51,244 --> 00:17:55,117
Yeah, "What the hell?" is right.
Yeah-- what the hell?

416
00:17:55,161 --> 00:17:56,553
What the hell?

417
00:17:56,597 --> 00:17:58,816
[chanting]:
What the hell? What the hell?

418
00:17:58,860 --> 00:18:01,123
Excuse me, sir, sir, I'm gonna
have to ask you to leave.

419
00:18:01,167 --> 00:18:02,994
Why? Because he's black?

420
00:18:03,038 --> 00:18:05,127
No, because you're trying
to start a riot.

421
00:18:05,171 --> 00:18:07,129
[chuckles]

422
00:18:07,173 --> 00:18:09,566
No, I'm trying
to start a revolution.

423
00:18:12,482 --> 00:18:14,441
Uh...

424
00:18:14,484 --> 00:18:16,356
Look, I'm sorry,
I'm his first black friend.

425
00:18:24,538 --> 00:18:28,281
[exhales] You were pretty quiet
in the car. You all right?

426
00:18:28,324 --> 00:18:30,761
Yeah, just disappointed.

427
00:18:30,805 --> 00:18:32,807
I was really
looking forward to today.

428
00:18:32,850 --> 00:18:34,635
[chuckles]
I'm sorry.

429
00:18:34,678 --> 00:18:36,289
I always forget
how painful it is

430
00:18:36,332 --> 00:18:39,335
when racial inequality affects
you white dudes.

431
00:18:41,337 --> 00:18:43,165
How do you do it?

432
00:18:43,209 --> 00:18:45,602
How do you handle
all the double standards?

433
00:18:45,646 --> 00:18:47,648
I would be angry all the ti...

434
00:18:49,693 --> 00:18:51,304
Is that why you're angry
all the time?

435
00:18:54,350 --> 00:18:57,005
Sometimes.
Sometimes it's other things,

436
00:18:57,048 --> 00:18:59,399
but most of the times it's you.

437
00:19:02,010 --> 00:19:04,665
I mean, let me tell you a story
about getting angry, man.

438
00:19:04,708 --> 00:19:06,319
You know, when I first
wanted to open

439
00:19:06,362 --> 00:19:09,974
my auto shop, I went to a local
bank here to get a loan.

440
00:19:10,018 --> 00:19:13,587
And despite my good credit
and work history,

441
00:19:13,630 --> 00:19:16,067
all they would approve me for

442
00:19:16,111 --> 00:19:18,766
was a crazy disrespectful
interest rate.

443
00:19:18,809 --> 00:19:20,681
So what'd you do?

444
00:19:20,724 --> 00:19:24,859
Well, I wanted to tell them
to kiss my...

445
00:19:24,902 --> 00:19:28,732
but instead I said thank you

446
00:19:28,776 --> 00:19:30,430
and I took the money.

447
00:19:30,473 --> 00:19:33,346
Then I rolled up my sleeves
and I worked hard

448
00:19:33,389 --> 00:19:35,174
and I built my business

449
00:19:35,217 --> 00:19:38,307
and I bought this house
and I raised my family.

450
00:19:38,351 --> 00:19:41,180
And I paid that loan off
three years early.

451
00:19:41,223 --> 00:19:44,270
If I'd have gotten angry,
none of that would've happened.

452
00:19:44,313 --> 00:19:46,576
That must have felt great.

453
00:19:46,620 --> 00:19:48,404
You know what feels better?

454
00:19:48,448 --> 00:19:53,714
Is that my shop is still here,
and that bank is long gone.

455
00:19:54,758 --> 00:19:56,238
Kind of like your hat.

456
00:19:59,110 --> 00:20:00,938
Oh, yeah, you're buying me
another hat.

457
00:20:00,982 --> 00:20:03,941
[chuckles] And I hope you get
cash back on your Dave card,

458
00:20:03,985 --> 00:20:05,595
because that thing
wasn't cheap, man.

459
00:20:05,639 --> 00:20:07,249
[laughs]

460
00:20:07,293 --> 00:20:08,598
You want to come on in
for a beer?

461
00:20:08,642 --> 00:20:09,817
Yeah, sure.

462
00:20:09,860 --> 00:20:12,123
[mutters]

463
00:20:13,821 --> 00:20:15,823
No!
What?

464
00:20:18,042 --> 00:20:20,306
Sorry, I...
I thought I heard flapping.

465
00:20:20,349 --> 00:20:22,133
[laughs]

466
00:20:26,137 --> 00:20:27,443
Wh-What the hell is this?

467
00:20:29,402 --> 00:20:30,838
Grover, what's going on?

468
00:20:30,881 --> 00:20:32,927
It's a trap![all shouting]

469
00:20:35,234 --> 00:20:36,409
Calvin, cover me!

470
00:20:36,452 --> 00:20:38,759
No, you cover me.

471
00:20:38,802 --> 00:20:40,500
Captioning sponsored by
CBS

472
00:20:40,543 --> 00:20:41,675
Captioned by
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