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[Ian V.O.]The tea? Cinnamon.
The girl? Late.
Twenty three minutes late.
Two more minutes and I'm leaving.
[bell rings as door opens]
[Ian V.O]They were always nervous.
Which was expected.
I knew what I looked like.
Chiseled? Check.
Caramel-blond hair that somehow manages
to look wavy and thick all the damn time?
Check.
Sexy crooked smile?
Check.
And don't even get me started on penis size.
It just gets better the farther south you go.
Trust me.
Stand.
Or sit. But I doubt that's the way to get on the good side of
that barista you've been trying not to check out
since you walked in that door.
SHELL I haven't...
Jealousy is a crucial emotion men feel before falling in love.
I won't bite.
- Yet. - [gasps]
Take it.
I hate tea.
No. You love tea.
- Smile. - What?
Hey... you, uh... guys need anything?
I'll send my girlfriend over
if we need something, how's that?
Thanks though.
Stop fidgeting and sit up straight.
Sorry. It's just that he's only talked to me twice, and
only ever to ask if I wanted sugar in my coffee.
He hates coffee.
[steam gushes loudly]
Touch me.
Lower.
Stop staring, or we're done.
Now laugh.
[giggles nervously]
That'll do too.
Shell, if you need anything, let me know. Okay?
I think I'm good with my tea.
You hate tea.
No. She loves tea.
Asshole.
[gasps] He knows my name.
Who are you?
Ian Hunter. Master wingman
and your only chance in hell of getting...
that.
Here you go. Appreciate it.
When do we start?
Three minutes ago.
How was she?
Because if she's not a good fit, I have another girl
that offered to pay me in sexual favors
to move her to the top.
No, cross her off. If she knows how to give favors,
she knows how to get her own damn man.
Noted.
And Gabi says if you don't make it tonight for dinner
she's going to glue your hand to your penis.
Though she was much more graphic.
Always is. I'm on my way.
See you there.
[car phone beeps]
[Ian V.O.]I didn't pick this life. It's not like I woke up one morning
and went, "Whoa, wouldn't it be so badass
to help women get the guy.
I'm a coach. And coaches have their playbooks,
it's not enough to know how to play the game,
you have to know how to read the plays,
know your opponent.
That's what Wingmen, Inc. Is about.
Who better to teach women how not to get played
- than the actual player? - [car phone beeps]
To what do I owe this pleasure?
I'm not your client, Ian.
Cut with the smooth-talking love coach voice.
You promised!
I did.
You forgot, didn't you?
Of course not. Come on.
Sometimes I wonder why we're friends.
Because you like watching me while I sleep?
One time, Ian!
The welcome party for my two new roommates?
You were supposed to bring the chips and dip?
I'm sorry, Gabs. I'll be there in fifteen minutes.
You better.
[phone beeps]
[car alarm chirps]
Wow. Your top looks gorgeous with your skin tone.
[Ian V.O.]Sometimes it was just too easy.
You said fifteen minutes.
Did I say fifteen? Could have sworn I said twenty.
You smell like cheap perfume.
Seriously, you smell bad, dude.
Go. Shower. I'll put out the food.
Your extra clothes are still in my room.
Just... Get rid of the skank.
She has a name, you know.
Although, I really couldn't read her nametag
with her lips wrapped around me,
she was blocking the view.
One day you're going to get smited.
Or is it smote?
That sounds dirty. Can't wait to try that.
Lex.
[gasps]
Kinda had you pegged for a boyshorts girl.
What are you doing in my room?
You mean Gabi's room.
I mean my room.
And you are?
Look, I've got about three minutes
before Gabi hands me my ass.
Did you want to go on the bed
or the floor, since you're already there?
What are you talking about?
Down to about two minutes.
I'm not gonna lie, it's gonna be a little difficult,
but I could probably conjure something up that would cause
a little panting. Maybe a scream or two.
A scream?
Are you a stripper for the party?
No.
Come on. About ten seconds left,
and I don't even think I can perform miracles of this...
- caliber. - Get out of my room.
You mean Gabi's room.
We switched.
- Oh. - Yeah.
Okay, so... That would make Gabi's room...?
Yeah.
Gotcha.
Your loss. Could have rocked your world.
My world doesn't need rocking.
Every girl needs to allow her world to be rocked,
at least once.
Or, if said rocking is coming from moi?
Sometimes twice.
It's a little more complicated than that.
It's not just ones and zeroes.
That's amazing.
It's been ten minutes, tell me you didn't...
Didn't? What?
- What was that for? - Where's Blake?
- Is she on the basketball team? - No. Where is she?
- Soccer? Tennis? - No. Ian...
if you touched her, I swear I'll rip your golden locks
from your brain one by one.
- Golf? - Volleyball, actually.
That explains the clothes.
What's wrong with my clothes?
[snickers]
He belong to you?
Unfortunately.
You know how your parents always tell you not to feed strays?
He was so cute at first, like all puppies.
Then he started biting all my friends.
Love you too, Boo.
[slaps]
Are we going to do this or what? I have a test in the morning.
Not yet! It's a welcome party
for my new roommates Serena and Blake.
We have to socialize first.
Come on, Gabs. We met the roomates,
Ian brought food, and you're still single.
I mean, all is right with the world.
Calm down. Come here, sit.
Let's just watch the show, and then we'll have dessert.
Should have never fed him that first treat.
Haunts me day and night, Blake,
day and night.
[Ian] What's up, my man?
What's the news?
- [Lex] Serena. - [lan] Okay.
Wildcat in bed. Forgot my name twice.
Asked if I believed in unicorns.
Has attended Comic Con three times.
When I asked for her number...
she cried.
Cried?
Damn.
Must have been on your "A" game last night.
I'm never off my game.
So that one time you hit on Gabi was a fluke?
I was drunk.
Can we not talk about Gabi this early in the morning?
It really messes with the rest of my day.
[girl] Hi Ian.
Your schedule is full,
but a new one popped up on the site this morning,
I wasn't sure if you wanted me to let her apply.
Do it.
I gotta go.
Shell has an early class with Douchepants
and I gotta walk her to class holding her books,
then... kiss her on the forehead.
Tale as old as time, my friend.
You know it.
Stop here.
Did he notice?
Oh, he noticed.
Now you can give him your phone number.
Don't answer the first text.
Answer the third. Always the third.
What if he doesn't ask for it?
Trust me, he will.
Now off you go.
[Ian V.O.]I just blazed through rules one, two, three and four.
Rule one: make them curious.
Rule two: Don't appear too interested.
Rule three: Give them a method of contact,
but keep the ball in your court.
Rule four: Never answer the first text.
Sorry, bro.
You.
Hi.
Fans of yours?
[girl] Maybe he'll sit with us.
The club has an opening.
They made posters last year.
You clearly have too high of an opinion of yourself.
Some may say not high enough.
[Blake sighs]
Are you going to make it?
Are you gonna make it?
Blue.
What?
You're eyes. They're a nice ice blue.
I'm not interested.
- In men? - In you. So stop talking.
Thank you.
Open your books for those who brought them,
to page 34.
[bell dings]
And just a reminder,
there will be a quiz on Chapter four next week.
- Thank you. - Blake...
It worked!
Of course it did.
He's going to try to get you alone.
Don't let him.
- But... - Rule number five. You're busy.
You're always busy unless I say you aren't.
Ian, you're the best.
Interesting.
Waiting for someone?
Yes I am. It's very important, can you please leave?
Forget it. This was a stupid idea.
I doubt David would approve of that attitude?
Says here he values optimism above all things.
What?
Come with me. Let's go.
What is this?
Wingmen, Inc.
No, no, no. You've got to be kidding me.
Not kidding you.
Lex and I are the masterminds
behind the fastest growing dating service
in the Pacific Northwest.
Some say I'm a modern-day Superman,
saving women from themselves
while Lex plays sidekick.
You're welcome.
You're such an ass.
I'm also your new love coach.
That is, if you're still interested.
Look. We have a ninety-nine percent success rate.
If you follow the rules, take my advice and guidance,
you'll be popping out little Davids in no time.
Kids?
Yeah. Or whatever it is you want.
I'll get it for you.
Can I think about it?
Sure. You have one minute.
This was an impulse.
A girl on my team gave me your card
after I kept complaining about David not noticing me...
Megan. Nice girl. 30 seconds...
Fine.
Good. I don't like to candycoat anything.
So, I'm gonna be real honest here.
If we're gonna turn the head of the captain of the basketball team,
we've got a lot of work to do.
But I'm the best. We start tonight.
Lex is going to look over the details,
and send you the schedule tonight. Okay?
And if David reaches out at all during this process,
contact me first.
If he texts you today, ignore him.
If he calls you, you're busy with your new study partner.
Is that you?
Blake, not only am I your new study partner.
From here on out... I'm your everything.
[Lex] I know you pride yourself in taking less than a week for a
client to gain true love's kiss, but damn...
[Ian] It can't be that bad.
[Lex] No. Actually, it's worse.
You mean she's a little virgin who's never kissed a man,
blushes when she hears the word sex,
can't spell the word "orgasm",
and believes in love at first sight?
Damn.
Here's her questionaire.
Check out Blake's number fifteen.
Number 15? Oh yeah.
"What would you wear on a first date?"
Her answer: "Something comfortable
like a baggy sweatshirt? Or...
a hat, because hats are mysterious."
Number sixteen's my favorite.
Sixteen: "My first kiss was..."
Her answer, "Hopefully it will be great."
I especially liked the smiley face and the heart emoji.
I'm going to see her tonight, so I'll follow up on these.
Did you want to finish the questionnaire, or should I?
No. That's all you, bro.
- Just... no. - [breaking glass]
Yeah, no.
[Ian sighs]
[girl 1] Hi, Ian.
[girl 2] He's so hot.
How can you do that?
Lead girls on like that?
Every single one of them is still staring and whispering.
One of them just took a picture.
Two, actually.
Why? It's not like you're famous or anything.
Are you?
Was.
Are you going to just leave it like that?
Or do you want to explain?
There's not much to explain.
My sophomore year, I got an exemption to play pro football,
and then... I got injured.
So, here I am.
[indistinct conversation]
[Ian] Whoa. What just happened here?
[David] That was a good practice, guys.
Let's take the spot here.
[Blake] He's here.
Yeah, I know.
That's why we're here.
He comes here every night after basketball practice.
We're doing a little recon.
Your file shows that you met when you were four.
And you guys actually took baths together.
So, I'm just wondering what this whole shy deal is about.
'Cause, he's seen the goods, sister.
The goods?
I didn't have goods when I was four.
I can't even tell if you have goods now.
Considering the baggy clothes you wear.
[sighs]
Okay, can we just go before he sees us, please?
And that's a bad idea, why?
Because, every time I'm around him I act like a dude,
like I'm one of the guys.
I just want him to see me differently.
I want him to know I have... boobs.
Alright, well...
like I said before,
the jury's still clearly out on that one.
[inhales]
- Are you sniffing my hair? - Yeah.
Is he looking?
No. He's eating.
Bastard.
God, he must be clueless.
You know what? He must have seen you.
Come here. Turn. Look at me.
What?
[sighs]
[David] Blake?
Hey. Sorry I didn't see you when we came in.
Who's your friend?
Name's Ian.
Ian.
Ian. How's it going, man?
Good.
David, you should have seen this guy play.
[Ian] Let's not bore him with that.
Nice to meet you, David.
How do you know my girl?
Your girl?
Yeah, my girl.
I didn't realize you were dating anybody.
I didn't realize you were her dad?
Hell no, man!
We go way back.
We've been friends since we could walk.
Cute story.
Well, it was nice meeting Blake's dad.
[laughs] Kidding.
It was nice meeting you, David.
Yeah, it was nice to meet you.
It's good to see you, Blake.
- [Blake] You too. - [lan] Shall we?
Yeah.
- You okay? - Yeah.
Thank you.
I think that was the first time he's ever looked at me...
Like you had boobs.
Exactly.
Next.
I'm going to count to five.
[Blake] I don't think it fits.
[Ian] They measured you. It fits.
We gotta go. Gabi said we got dinner at six.
[Blake] This is too much pressure.
How do I know if it fits?
They're boobs. How do I know if it looks good?
Let's go.
Open up before I crawl under. Come on, let's go.
Scale of one to ten? How awful is it?
Blake, you look great.
You sound bored.
No. Your boobs look good.
Happy.
You think?
I'm just no good at this.
I didn't grow up with a mom. So...
Well, men are turned on by sight,
girls by touch.
By wearing something fitting,
you're guaranteeing that he won't see you as a buddy,
but as a partner.
And that's what you wanted, right?
Right.
You look good.
He'll be eating out of your hand in no time.
That confident in your abilities?
No. But I'm pretty confident in yours.
[saleswoman knocks] Sir, you need to get out of the dressing room.
We don't allow customers to...
play in the product before they purchase.
- [Ian] Play? - Hanky-panky.
[Ian] Oh, you mean sex?
[saleswoman] Sir! Get out this instant.
- [Ian moans] - Stop it.
Just a minute.
[saleswoman] Right now!
- We're coming out. - I'm almost there.
[saleswoman] I'm going to call security!
Oh, yeah. Ouch!
We'll take it all.
Thank you.
If you hurt her,
I'm going to break off your favorite appendage.
Sorry, traffic was shit.
- It usually is. - Yeah.
- Hi. - Hi.
- So where's the other roomie? - I'm here.
- [spits] - [Serena] Are you okay?
Yup.
Lex.
- Lex. - [Lex coughs]
- You okay? - Yeah.
So, Blake... I like your new look.
Thanks. It was Ian. He was a big help.
It's okay, I guess.
I mean, if you're into working out.
Which she clearly is. Look at her.
[gasps] Oh my god.
- I'm so sorry. It slipped. - It's okay.
No, no, no. It's okay. It's just workout clothes.
I can always wash them.
That is good.
Fine. I'm fine. I'm good.
Have you kissed her yet?
I'll take that as a no.
She's never kissed another guy.
It would be... wrong. You know that.
- Wrong... - Mm hm.
Are you falling for her?
No! Hell no.
Have you seen her flip-flops?
Jesus.
What's our main rule?
Don't fall for the clients.
Don't...
[scrubs hard] fall...
[scrubs harder] for the clients.
I think it's clean, bro.
No dessert?
Blake, can I talk to you for a second upstairs?
Sure, yeah.
Why?
What's wrong?
[Ian sighs]
Hands up.
Okay, here we go.
You're... wearing a thong. Hmm.
Yeah. Does the stripping have a purpose?
Stripping should always have a purpose.
We need to wash your clothes.
And I needed help with that, or what?
You have any giant hoodies in here?
Honest moment.
Why do you wear clothes like this?
Well, everybody has their own thing, right?
What?
Nothing. Right.
Tomorrow, me and you, we're going to work out together.
We need to be at the gym early, before David,
because we're going to catch him by surprise.
Adrenaline pumps when you workout,
and if a hot chick's watching, even better.
You said hot chick. Not cute.
You're hot. Trust me.
Come here. So tomorrow, when he sees us, we need to flirt.
The problem is, that you flinch when I try to touch you.
No, I don't!
I don't.
Okay, see that?
That look right there,
Yeah, that really pissed-off look.
It sometimes can be confused with lust.
So maybe I'll just piss you off the entire workout.
That might work, but if it doesn't...
I may need to kiss you,
Okay, and if I do,
I need to know that you're not going to scratch my eyes out,
or knee me in the balls.
I might.
Guess you'll have to find out.
No. Never play a player.
It doesn't work. Okay, sweet cheeks?
Sweet cheeks?
Sweet cheeks.
Okay, I think lesson time is over.
I'll be back at 4:30 to pick you up.
- In the morning? - Mm hm.
Oh, okay.
This better work.
It's never not worked.
So... unless you're having second thoughts?
No! No, I'm not.
Um, 4:30. Be ready.
Two more!
One more!
You tired?
Exhausted. But I love that feeling.
It's the best.
- What next? - I'll stretch you out.
[David] Let's warm up on the bench.
[indistinct speech]
Stay calm. You're good.
- Relax. - Ouch.
You're tight.
Feels amazing.
What?
[David] Blake?
- Oh, hey. - Hey.
Hey David, I didn't see you there.
Wow... you look...
Exhausted?
Ian really knows how to work me.
You know, if you ever need help at the gym...
you could always ask me.
Thanks for the offer, but...
David, I think I've got it.
Alright.
The offer stands.
It's really good to see you, Blake.
You look... good.
Thanks.
Skip the warm up. Put another one on.
[David pants, grunts]
Wow.
Hell, no.
[loud crash]
Sorry.
That was a really great first kiss.
Damn it.
[Ian V.O.]I was ruining everything.
I was her first kiss? Me?
The certified man whore?
Not the man she was in love with.
Can I get you guys anything else?
I don't suppose you moonlight as a massage therapist.
[Ian V.O.]Well done. The line was delivered perfectly.
No, but I am good with my hands.
[Ian V.O.]Doubtful, very doubtful.
Great. The sooner I finished with Shell,
the sooner I could...
What? Finish with Blake?
Let's go, Shell.
What if she doesn't want to go with you?
The last round goes to the barista.
Ian, I think you should go.
If that's what you want, Shell.
[inaudible dialoge]
[Ian V.O.] The last round always goes to the guy.
Blake.
Gabs, Blake!
There you are.
Geez, some people are trying to sleep.
Aw, really?
Mmmm. Cute hair.
I'm sick, you ass.
Really?
Oh please, you're lucky you don't have the clap
from all the sex you've had.
And you're afraid of a little cold.
Yeah, I don't like germs. What do you want?
Why are you here?
I had an idea for Blake.
She's upstairs.
The pipe in the bathroom broke, and there was water everywhere.
I tried getting a plumber, but she said something about
her friend's dad being a plumber,
and suddenly some tall dude showed up
and said he could fix it.
[indistinct conversation]
David.
Who?
Thank you, David.
- Ian. - [sniffles]
Are you sick too?
- I think so. - Yeah.
Blake?
I'm pretty sure he's gonna be just fine.
The last thing you need is
to get sick before the big test on Friday. Right?
Would you want to get out of here?
We could get ice cream or something?
So you're not stuck in a sick house.
He's probably right. You shouldn't get sick.
You know what?
You're probably already coming down with something.
I'm sorry, babe. If I had known,
I wouldn't have put my mouth all over you like that.
Rain check?
I don't want you to get sick before your big game.
Yeah... that's probably a good idea.
But you do have my number now so...
So, call me any time.
- [Ian sniffs and coughs] - [Blake] Mm hm.
- Good to see you. - [Blake] You too.
[Ian coughs]
Look, if he asks you to hang out,
you're busy.
You're always busy until I say you're free.
Rule number five clearly states this.
If he tries to call you or coerce you into hanging out,
No.
Especially when you're with another guy.
It makes you look easy and makes our relationship look fake.
- Yeah. Yep. - Okay?
Alright, um...
I'll see you girls later.
[blows nose]
Lex! Emergency meeting. Now!
[Lex] What up?
It's David.
What is his deal?
She's moving through these steps way too fast,
and he's falling for it.
Something's up with him.
Can you bring up his file?
You want to look at his file?
[computer chimes]
[Ian V.O.] David and Blake's compatibility...
Eighty-seven percent. Isn't that kind of high?
[Lex V.O.] That's high. Really high.
You like her.
[Ian] Yeah, I also like yogurt.
[Lex] Gabi called.
She's worried.
[Ian V.O.] Gabi called?
Gabi called? She hates you.
Which she said at least ten times
before finally getting to the reason behind the call.
She thinks you're hooking up with Blake.
No. Not happening, nor will it.
Go get Gabi some soup. She's sick.
I'm going to sleep off whatever I'm coming down with...
and hopefully not die.
If I turn into a zombie at some point,
at least take a couple good pictures before you decapitate me.
You have my word.
[moans softly]
[inaudible dialogue]
Hey. You're okay. It's just a fever.
What are you doing here?
We don't let women or clients into the house. Ever.
I texted you and called you,
and then threatened Gabi, who threatened Lex.
That worried about me, huh?
About you?
Oh, no. I'm doing this for entirely selfish reasons.
If I lose my love coach, I lose my love.
[moans happily]
Sorry. It just feels so good.
You know what would make me feel even better right now?
What's that?
You in a hot nurse outfit.
You're such a pig.
Right, but I'm more like one of those cute little pigs.
- Uh huh. - You know, the teacup ones.
The ones that are so cute, you just want to keep it forever,
OK. Come on.
[Ian moans]
We need to get you in the bath.
- No. - Let's go.
We need to get your fever down. Come on.
[moans] Just let me die.
Come on.
Never leave a man behind.
All right. In the bath.
Come on.
[sharp exhale]
Jesus Christ. Why is it so cold?
It's not cold.
It just feels like that because you have a fever,
which we need to get down.
Alright, well, this is up there
for the second worst day of my life.
Yeah, what's the first?
The day I almost died.
I think we could be best friends.
- Is that right? - Mm hm.
I only have two, Gabs and Lex.
But I'm killing them off soon, though, so there's a vacancy.
Oh, well, that's good to know.
But you have to cook for me.
I can do that. I cooked for my dad and brother all the time.
- Really? - Mm hm.
Is your brother as pretty as you?
He's dead.
I'm sorry. Dying sucks.
Yeah, it really does.
Blake?
Yup.
I like you.
I like you, too.
Clearly you're feeling better.
Nope. Still a little delirious.
Where we at with that nurse outfit?
No nurse costume.
I think you're healed and I have to get to practice.
Fine.
Yeah, that... it's morning. It happens.
- [Blake] Yeah... - That's not helping, Blake.
Sorry. I'm just gonna...
Sorry, I just wanted to say
that you need to stay in bed,
and that I left you two Tylenol.
You should take those.
And I will bring you food after practice.
Food?
Food.
You should probably take care of that?
You know, a good nurse would stay and help me take care of that.
Hey, Lex.
Blake?
Please tell me you got food for me, too.
I did. I got your favorite, I think.
Chow mein with pork, right?
I got you soup.
Sorry, is it hot?
Yeah, it's freakishly hot.
Sorry, I just picked it up.
You know what?
Can you blow?
You want me to blow on your soup?
Are you twelve?
Shit, it's really hot.
- [blows] - [whistles]
You blow well.
Coming from you I'll take that as the highest of compliments.
So what are we watching?
[voices on television]
Ian?
What up, sweet cheeks?
[Ian sighs]
Out with it.
Do you ever think that what you thought you wanted isn't
actually what you want anymore?
You mean... like you've lived your whole life in pursuit of
one goal, and suddenly the goal changes?
Yes, that's exactly what I mean.
That's life, Blake.
Is it?
Doesn't that feel so wishy washy,
to go from one thing to another?
That's all part of college.
Discovering yourself.
Realizing,"Hey, maybe wearing flip-flops from 1992
isn't as cool as I originally thought.
[laughing] They not mine, you jerk.
So you stole someone's flip-flops and decided,
"Hey, let's bring these back."?
No. They were my brother's and...
after he died... I don't know...
I just wanted to be close to him.
So you raided his closet?
Everything smelled like him. It was comforting.
Until you had to wash them.
Until my dad forced me to wash them, yes.
It's only been two years. I still miss him.
How'd he die?
Car accident.
Drunk driver.
It's weird. It used to piss me off talking about it,
but for some reason, when I started wearing his clothes,
it's like... I don't know...
it almost feels like invisible armor.
Well, I hate to break it to you, but these flip flops
are anything but invisible.
Shut up!
Did you just lick me?
Yeah.
First rule of kindergarten.
- Did you miss that class? - I must have missed it.
You must have.
It's right up there with fire safety.
So, it's a little important.
Wow. Okay.
I told you never to play the player.
I'm just following your rules. That's all.
Sometimes, I hate my rules.
Me, too.
[Ian laughs]
[Lex] Whoa...
[Ian] We're training, man. We're training.
We're setting up for a date night for her and David.
He's moving through the steps so fast
I figured he'd do something.
[Blake] I think I got it.
Thank you, Ian.
Blake. Wait. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I got carried away.
I'll help you with David
and then hopefully we can...
be friends.
Friends?
[Ian V.O.]Funny how words that are supposed to make people happy,
kind of make you want to punch a tree like Chuck Norris.
Yeah, friends.
[Blake smirks]
Friends it is.
Hmm.
You know, this isn't a sting, right?
You can take your sunglasses off.
Plus, we're indoors.
You look ridiculous.
You said not to make eye contact,
and that's happens to be very difficult for me.
So, sunglasses.
Dude, just look at his crotch. He'll eat that shit up.
I'm not looking. No.
Do you have any other pointers
that don't involve me staring at his... groin?
I think you can do better than that Miss Nursing Major.
Nope. Not doing it.
- Penis? - Shut up.
If you can't say it,
should you really be playing with it?
- I mean, God... - Oh, hell.
Come here.
Eventually you'll have to get past the point of being
afraid of your own sexuality.
And something tells me that David's not super great in bed,
so you need to gain a little bit of confidence
so you can tell him what you want.
What makes you think that?
I mean, I'm a virgin. So...
I'm gonna suck.
Impossible. Believe me.
David, on the other hand...
The last girlfriend we interviewed,
said, that although he earned an A for effort,
on multiple occasions she studied for a test during.
- During sex? - Mm hm.
That's so impersonal.
Shouldn't you be putting your whole mind into it?
Your body? Your soul?
We're getting off track.
The point is, you may need to give him direction.
Meaning you may need to say words like "penis". The end.
Fine. Penis.
Louder.
Penis!
Oh, hey man. Didn't see you there.
- Hey. - How's it going?
I thought you all were more casual.
No. We made it official last night. Right, sweet cheeks?
Sorry. It's just... it was a really great night.
Yeah, a great night.
I'm happy for you, Blake.
Really happy for you.
We should get out of here.
[chuckles]
What? Why are you laughing?
David just gave me the finger.
Really? That's kind of rude. Why would he do that?
Because his hands were free...
And mine weren't.
Nice. I like.
Good, because I haven't worn them in forever.
[Gabi] Guys. You just gonna stand there and eye-screw each other,
or can we get the snacks?
Be there in a sec!
Perfect.
You down for a little game, boy?
Did you just call me boy?
I did.
You do know I played pro football.
I didn't want to have to do this,
I'm pretty much good at every sport.
[Lex coughs]
Except for golf.
- [Lex coughs] - [lan] Really?
I'm pretty sure we established that ice-skating
is not a sport.
You are serving.
Let me just get comfortable, real quick.
Oh it's like that, is it?
Sure is.
Two can play at that game.
[clears throat]
- Let's go. - Ready.
Yeah, Let's go Are you ready?
Oh shit.
My money's on Blake.
You know he was nominated for the Heisman, right?
Is that a hard thing to get?
That's my girl. That's my girl.
[Lex cheers]
High five!
[Blake] What happened?
What happened? Are you okay?
- Yeah. - Your knee?
Come on Lex, let's go grab an ice pack?
- I'm fine. - Come on.
Here, put weight on me.
- You okay? - Yeah, I'm fine.
It's just an old injury.
Prop it up.
Shit.
Oh, it's starting to swell. What happened to your knee?
- Can you keep a secret? - Yes.
I'm Superman.
I injured it saving two old ladies and their cats.
He really is a hero. That poor little boy would have died.
Can you imagine what that would have done to that father?
After losing his wife? It was amazing, Ian.
- Don't sell yourself short. - Okay, enough Gabs.
We get it.
Here. Thank you.
- Put this on it. - Thanks.
Look, don't listen to her.
I'm no hero.
Here I am, being bitter that I can't play football,
and this kid could have died.
Well, you sort of did, too.
In a way, you lost part of what made you you.
You know?
I got past it, you know?
I don't want you to think I'm one of those broken guys
living the old glory days of football.
How did you get over it?
It was the kid?
He came and visited me in the hospital
I called him by his last name, Montgomery, or Little Monty,
because this kid was tiny.
And apparently he's still afraid of the dark...
So, he brought me this bear,
smartly named "Bear".
[both laugh]
His mom, unfortunately, passed away earlier that year from cancer.
She gave him that bear.
It was supposed to be his protection bear,
to make him feel safe.
He gave it to me.
Said he didn't need it anymore, because he had me.
That bear lives the high life in my room, I'll tell you that.
And what about Monty? Where is he now?
He's actually going to be one badass football player.
His dad sends me his schedule for his practices and games.
I've been to a few. He's not bad.
You really are Superman.
To one person, yeah.
Two.
Guys? You up for a movie?
Yeah, we'll be right there.
You guys. No. Just not happening.
Shower, or no couch time.
Sure. We'll go shower.
Not together!
- What? - What do you mean "what"?
[doorbell rings]
[David] Hey, is Blake here?
[Gabi] Hey, Blake?
David's here to see you.
What are you waiting for?
Even if it takes All my life.
Some days I think it might.
It's always raining on me.
Always raining on me.
You know you can cut Like a knife.
You cut like a knife.
And I'm just a puddle baby.
Just a puddle baby.
Oh oh.
Even if it takes All my life.
It's always easy If it's black and white.
We could never leave.
The color inside the lines
[man on TV] You've ruined me for other women, Gia.
[woman on TV] Good.
I can hardly breathe.
If you're not by my side
I'm going to make some popcorn.
But your knee.
It's just popcorn. I think I'll be fine.
- You sure? - Yeah, I'm good.
[Ian] Blake, I'm fine, go watch the movie.
- [microwave beeps] - [David] Not Blake.
Something I can help you with?
I get it. She's "yours" a least for now.
But, listen to me, we have a history.
And that is not something you can compete with.
Not now, not ever.
Shit. How am I going to compete with the tree house?
Ooh!
You smug bastard.
Look, you don't deserve her. You never will.
Oh, but you do?
Mr. Washed-up Has-been, who can't keep it in his pants?
Well, at least I know I don't deserve her.
At least I wake up everyday, knowing I'm the lucky one.
I wasn't aware it took this much brainpower to make popcorn.
Hey, I actually gotta get going.
But, next Thursday seven o'clock, right?
- Yeah. I won't. - Don't forget.
Dad's really excited to see you. It'll be fun.
[Blake] Cool.
It's good to see you.
[David] Bye, Ian.
- [Ian] Blake... - [Blake] What?
What do you want, Ian?
[scoffs]
Exactly what I thought.
[Ian V.O.] You. That's what I should have said
when she asked me what I wanted.
Instead, I opened my mouth and nothing came out.
[Lex] I hate mornings.
[Ian] Yep.
[cell phone chimes]
[Blake V.O.] FREAKING OUT!
[reading] "Use your indoor voice. Lex can hear you,
also he hates mornings."
[Blake V.O] David's dad bailed. It's just us.
I've never been on a date.
Shit.
Something wrong?
Yeah, I gotta take Blake on this fake date
so she doesn't puke all over David.
"Be at the house at six,
have Gabs help you get ready.
She is the boss."
- Woop! - [phone chimes]
[Lex] I hate mornings.
[mumbles] Did I say that already?
[Ian] I think so.
Blake, come on.
It can't be that bad. Let's go.
[Blake] No, it is.
Very bad.
Damn.
Is it that bad?
[Ian] Yes. It's... horrific.
How could you possibly attract a man in this... monstrosity?
[Blake] Monstrosity, huh?
Huh. Is that why you keep staring at it?
I literally can't look away.
Don't even think I could if I tried.
Fake date. Remember?
This is a fake date,
so I don't make a complete fool out of myself
when David and I go out on Thursday.
Okay, but the second we leave this the house,
you've got to pretend it's real.
I'll coach you, and hopefully by Thursday
we'll get news of a tragic accident that David's lost
all functionality of his penis.
Are you sure I look okay?
No, Blake.
You look phenomenal.
And if that bastard doesn't say those exact words or better
he's not deserving.
Okay?
- Shall we? - Yes.
[Blake] We having a picnic or something?
Rule number nine, Blake.
If a guy wants to surprise the shit out of you,
don't question it.
Just tell him how awesome he is.
Okay, well you are awesome,
and, the best fake date ever.
You know what? We need to pretend this is real, remember?
Or what's the point?
I don't know, maybe a fun night? Some good food?
Our ride.
We're canoeing?
Towards the restaurant, yeah.
Okay, I have to admit to you, that's pretty cool.
Although I don't know how much help I'm going to be in this dress.
Cross my heart, I won't look up your skirt.
Rule number seven?
Men always lie.
[laughs]
[inaudible]
I'm Julio. I'll be your server this evening.
Can I get you started with anything?
Yeah, can we have two margaritas on the rocks.
Rule number ten.
Only two drinks. Not three, not four.
I know you can get nervous,
but after you go past two drinks,
you can lose your inhibitions,
and things can get out of control real fast.
Two is a safe number.
And, yeah, eat up,
'cause you're going to need that for your cardio later.
Cardio?
Yeah, Sex. With David?
I, uh, I haven't really thought about that.
[clears throat] Tonight's special is...
Can you give us a minute?
Thanks.
You know it's going to happen eventually, right.
Yeah, I don't know.
I don't really like thinking about it
because, honestly, it kinda makes me want to puke.
No, it's just... I'm going to be horrible,
I'm going make a fool of myself and he's going to hate it.
Rule number six. Guys never hate sex.
If he's not getting off,
it's either because he mistook numbing gel for K-Y,
or he's gay and you lack the goods to get him there.
- K-Y? - Still need a minute?
Yeah.
If you can't even talk about sex with David,
why are you even going on a date with him?
I mean, why use my help?
It's just... don't you think it's moving so fast?
I wanted him to notice me,
not take me to bed two weeks after your little plan worked.
Well then, just say no.
Rules number twelve, thirteen and fourteen
clearly say that you can absolutely say no.
So how did you get into this?
How did you start Wingmen?
Actually, it was my sister.
She was, at the time, crushing really hard
on a guy from my team, and when I say hard,
I mean she drove her car into a mailbox
when we had him over for Fourth of July.
The sad thing is, he was into her too.
But she was always too shy and insecure to ever meet him half way.
And I was always too selfish to give a shit.
So, she settled for a guy who thinks that video games
are like the Olympics.
So there's two types of settling.
There's the type that is cute, a match made in heaven,
where you look at a couple holding hands in public,
and you think, "Is that girl legally blind?"
And then there's the other type of settling,
which is the insecure type,
where a girl never reaches her full potential
and settles for someone less than she's worth.
My sister deserved better.
And if she had just an ounce of confidence,
that would have changed her life.
Hell if she even had one rule from my playbook,
it would have changed her life.
Well, then... To the playbook.
To the playbook.
Okay, the final rule.
If you're feeling like the date's going good,
and you want to continue,
it's up to you to invite them in.
Okay.
- Ian? - Yeah.
Do you want to come in?
Well, that depends.
On what?
Do you have refreshments?
You can't just invite someone in expecting something to happen,
you have to have coffee, drink, late night movie...
It's kind of an unwritten rule.
All of the above, how's that?
I accept.
Screw David. You're mine.
Gabs, were you going to suffocate me?
No. Blake's a friend, and now it's gonna be awkward.
Not to mention she's a freaking client.
What the hell were you thinking?
That I really like her, David's a douche, and I'd
rather die than let him touch her.
You mean you aren't bailing?
Do I look like I'm jumping out the window and making up
a story about my dog?
You don't have a dog.
I know.
[sighs]
Where is Blake?
Baking. She got up at the ass crack of dawn,
went for a four mile run, then decided to make you pancakes.
- Pancakes? - Mm hm.
Mm. Alright.
- Hi. - Are you making pancakes?
I am. Good morning.
- Good morning. - You have to save two for Lex.
He was freaking out that you missed
your normal meeting at the bench.
Shit. I didn't mean to sleep in.
I know. You looked exhausted, though,
and I didn't want to wake you.
I was exhausted, sweet cheeks, but in the best type of way,
the type where you probably should take a week off of school.
Mm hm.
Think of the possibilities.
This could change your life.
Maybe it already has.
I could get really addicted to your smell.
Not in the kitchen, guys.
I will seriously grab the pillow from upstairs.
Now break apart.
For once, I'm not cooking,
so I want to sit and enjoy my coffee
without watching real-life porn.
So, who got laid last night?
You know you can't hook up with clients.
Yeah, that contract got terminated
the second she screamed my name.
So, no David?
- Yes. - No.
Did you say, "Yes?"
He's still a friend.
And I'm still gonna go to dinner with him.
I'm a friend and we screwed about four times last night.
I'm sorry, was that all it was to you?
Hell, no. Which is another reason why I don't think
you should be going on a date with Douchepants.
Look, it's fine, okay?
I promise you, it is fine.
Okay.
No, no, no, no, no, no... Put me down.
We'll be back.
[Blake] Put me down, I want a pancake.
- [Ian] No pancakes for you. - [Blake] I'm hungry.
[Gabi clears throat]
Are you going to read your compatibility report with Blake?
Haven't decided yet.
What are you doing home?
I live here,
unless you're kicking me out,
which you may do after reading the report.
- It's that bad? - Hm.
[Ian sighs]
"Stats show that if Client A, Blake, were to embark on
a relationship with Client B, Ian,
there is a 50% chance that one or both hearts will be broken
and that the relationship will end within two months
once the honeymoon stage is done."
- [sighs] Okay. Hm. - [Lex] David's file.
"Report shows that if Client A were to embark on a relationship
with Client C, there is an 87% chance that the relationship
will be a success and it will bloom."
[Lex] Blake and David.
It is what it is, you know.
Not on my watch.
- You know what? - What?
I think you should fake the flu tonight.
Ian. Look at me.
I can't.
It reminds me that, tonight, he's going to be looking at you,
and every time I think about him in the same damn room,
I want to cut off his shooting hand off
and bury it in Gab's yard.
Okay, listen,
the sooner I can get tonight's dinner over with,
and tell him how happy I am with you,
the sooner we can get this whole David thing behind us.
Okay, just go.
I won't be the crazy-ass boyfriend
who's jealous and drives you to your date.
So just go.
- Alright. - I'll see you tonight?
I'll come by your place after.
Okay.
You know? Don't let him touch you.
Okay. Not even your back.
If he's touching your back,
it means he's thinking of touching your ass.
- Alright? - Mm hm.
I promise.
- Okay. - Trust me?
Yeah.
Go get 'em.
Tell me the truth,
did you make the compatibility report for me and Blake
because you knew that one day I'd jump into commitment-land?
I...
input your information
the moment I saw things start to change between you and Blake.
Hell, the minute I noticed the linger.
Come again?
The linger. You lingered.
You leaned.
Every muscle in your body tensed when she walked into the room.
I've never seen you linger like that.
[sighs]
Shit.
I'm a 50, David's an 87.
And he's with her right now.
I'll drive.
She's facing him.
She's not sitting across from, but to the side.
Bastard may have skills after all.
- You want to see? - No.
The absolute last thing I want to see
is how close he's sitting to her,
or if he's strategically dropping his napkin
so he can inch his chair closer.
[scoffs]
[phone chimes]
It's scary how well you know the male gender.
[Blake V.O.] Dinner is over.
Ordering dessert, then I'll be home.
Don't worry.
We should go.
Hey, we should go.
[Ian V.O] Hope you enjoyed your dessert.
Get me drunk.
How does it feel?
You mean getting my heart broken?
Gee, I don't know Lex.
It kinda tickles,
like getting a feather stuck in my ass.
I mean being on the other side.
The one who gets rejected.
He's a better fit.
The numbers don't lie.
- The numbers. Right. - [lan] Yeah.
Look, the numbers don't take into account chemistry.
Computers can't do that.
Look. We're still technically under contract with Blake,
per our agreement.
As long as she's gone on a date with David, and kissed him...
the contract's technically done.
So, terminate the contract,
collect payment and delete her information.
Think about this,
by ignoring her, you run the risk that...
That what? That I lose her forever?
She's already gone.
She made her decision.
She kissed him.
[doorbell rings]
I'm gonna get that.
Hey, is Ian here? I need to talk to...
Blake, you should go.
No, I'm not leaving until I talk to him.
Lex, he doesn't understand what he saw.
I just need to explain.
Fine. Explain to me.
Why the hell was some other guy kissing you?
I'd much rather talk to Ian about that.
Tough shit. You've got me.
Okay. He kissed me, Lex!
And you kissed him back.
Am I missing some important detail here,
where you pushed him away, kneed him in the balls?
I did... push him away...
You hesitated.
You must be proud of yourself.
The first girl to take down Ian Hunter
and you just toss him aside the second your
childhood crush looks your way.
David and I are just friends,
that's it.
And you and Ian are what?
You kissed another dude.
Whatever you and Ian had is over.
Expect the contract termination in the morning.
And honestly, I think you're a bitch.
You hear that?
Kinda hard not to.
I didn't mean to call her a bitch.
I was just kinda caught in the moment.
Hey. If she cares about you, she's going to be back.
Three, two, one...
[doorbell rings]
No. Don't talk for two seconds so I can speak.
Tell Ian I need to talk to him
and I won't stop calling until he hears me out.
I love him.
Good answer.
We'll be in touch.
[breathing heavily]
- [grunts] - [man] Two more.
[Blake] Can I talk to you?
Did you get my email? We're done.
No, we're not.
Ian, I love you.
I love you so much, and I'm sorry about the kiss.
But I was confused.
It had nothing to do with you.
No shit.
Look, you did us both a favor.
Our projected success rate wasn't even close to being good.
You should probably go be with who you wanted all along.
You know all of that's changed.
It was the sex.
A chemical reaction occurs
that emotionally bonds you with someone
when you have sex with them.
Give it a few days, it'll wear off.
So will I.
Ian, I'm telling you I love you,
and you're just...
You're gonna push me away?
Don't do that.
Don't. Don't you care about me a tiny bit?
Your boyfriend's waiting.
My boyfriend is standing right in front of me.
Not anymore.
Ian.
Be happy, okay?
Hey Ian, good to see you buddy.
How are you?
I'm out of here.
And David? Treat her right.
I certainly will. Just like I did last night.
What? Ian!
Disrespect her like that again and I'll kill you.
Dude, it was a joke.
I'm kidding. You have said the same stuff.
You said the same... Babe.
Ian!
Ian, wait. Please let me talk.
Wait, Please.
Look, I only kissed David to make sure of my feelings.
It felt wrong and horrible
and it just confirmed to me that I love you.
Was that before or after you screwed him?
Are you kidding me?
How does it go from kissing to sex?
I basically walked you through the steps, Blake.
Are we done?
So done.
[Ian V.O.]I know what you're thinking, I played this all wrong.
I should call her...
No. She kissed David.
He's the right fit for her.
I won't call her...
But I miss her.
Fuck it, I'll text her...
I miss you.
[Blake V.O] You rejected me when I said I love you.
Go. To. Hell. Smiley face.
[Ian V.O.]A smiley face?
Well, a smiley face means there's was still hope. Right?
But we all know a smiley face does not mean
"I want to have sex with you";
sometimes a smiley face just means "I'm happy."
But that mean she was happy for me to go to hell?
Or just... happy?
Get up. Stop moping around.
I love you like a brother,
but this compatibility report is ruining your life.
It says I'd break her heart in two months.
And with David, on the other hand, she'd be in bliss.
Yeah... well, I may have... tweaked the numbers a bit...
Lex, what did you do?
What I had to.
Remember when we first started Wingmen?
The oath we both took?
[Ian groans]
Never fall in love.
What, on the same drunken evening,
what did you make me swear to you?
That you wouldn't let me.
Mm hm.
And why is that?
Because I'm sick of losing shit.
Yeah.
Man, you were supposed to have my back.
So, I did.
I changed the numbers, man. Just a little.
But enough for you to bail.
Don't you get it? It doesn't matter.
The numbers can be manipulated. But the heart... can't.
Damn poet.
That's how you get so much ass.
I know where David is partying tonight,
and word on the street is
he's at it alone while Gabs hangs out with Blake.
Care for a drink?
What?
I wish, Mr. Goody Two-Shoes,
"Oh look a butterfly, Let's hug a tree,"
was actually as bad as I wish he was.
If that were the case, yeah. But it's not.
Remember one of the most important stats?
Guys typically mess up within two weeks of a new relationship.
And why is that?
God complex.
God complex. Translation: "I stole a sexy piece of ass
from Ian Hunter, so I can get any chick I want,
so come hither, my pretties,
while I show you what a real man can do."
You silver-tongued devil.
Get your shit together. We leave in fifteen.
[Ian V.O] I'm downtown and need a ride.
Is it normal to see Pinocchio after doing ‘shrooms?
[Blake V.O.] I'll be right there.
[Ian V.O.] And just like that, I'm back in the game.
[Blake] You don't look high as a kite.
Did you want to get a drink?
No, I don't want to get a drink.
You do realize the last time I saw you,
you almost killed David
and somehow simultaneously broke my heart in the process.
And now, you're just gonna call me drunk...
I'm not drunk. Okay.
I have a confession to make.
And I know it's not particularly romantic, but...
I love you.
Did you just throw out an "I love you"? While high?
I lied about being high.
And yeah, I did, because it's true.
I've fallen ass-over-heels in love with you.
I desperately want you.
I need you. I fuckin' crave you.
I was scared.
- You're scared? - Yeah.
Ian Hunter is scared?
I'm scared that you'd be settling for me,
when David is the one you've wanted all along.
You know that I'd be settling with him.
Ian, I wouldn't settling with you.
You know that.
I promise you this.
It will only ever be you, Blake.
You're the only person I want to wake up with...
the only person I want to spend my nights with.
I love you.
Just kiss him already.
[Ian V.O.] So this is the part of the story
where we cheer to new beginnings
and lots of happy endings.
And while I pride myself on the success of Wingman, Inc.
I've learned first hand that sometimes...
Are you talking in voice-over again?
Sure was, sweet cheeks.
Do you mind?
As I was saying,
sometimes you've got to forget all the rules
and follow your heart.
Oh that's too bad...
I was hoping we could do rule number eighteen again.
[Ian] Alright, let's go.
[Blake] Ian.
Did Ian talk to you?
He talks to me everyday, you need to be more specific.
Now that he's with Blake he wants to limit his Wingmen work
and said I can work with you guys.
Not a chance in hell.
Oh, there's a chance.
Yeah, a chance you'll poison my Lucky Charms
and we'll kill each other.
Gabi!
If you were an ocean I'd dive in.
And grab some sand.
Come up for a deep breath Hold it.
And take your wave again.
If you were a jazz song I'd scat along.
To be a part of your song.
Play all night with you.
And we'd be in the groove.
Every time I see you I just freeze.
Quietly my world turns Upside down
I'm falling in And I can barely breathe
I don't know what to do When you're around.
Just want to get Close to you.
And I would know what to do.
Just want to get Close to you.
And I would know what to do.
If you were a smooth shot Of whiskey
I'd drink you down.
Sip you so slowly.
Then have another round.
If you were a slow dance I'd learn you.
Dip you and turn you Past your every move.
Then I'd be next to you.
Every time I see you I just freeze.
Quietly my world turns Upside down
I'm falling in And I can barely breathe
I don't know what to do When you're around.
Just want to get Close to you.
And I would know what to do.
Just want to get Close to you.
And I would know what to do.
If you were to love me High above me.
Everything I'm looking for.
Thinking 'bout you more and more.
Love me Would you love me.
How can I know? I can't I be sure.
Every time I see you I just freeze.
Quietly my world turns Upside down
I'm falling in And I can barely breathe
I don't know what to do When you're around.
Just want to get Close to you.
And I would know what to do.
Just want to get Close to you.
And I don't know what to do.
Just want to get Close to you.
Just want to get Close to you