1 00:00:04,985 --> 00:00:06,634 It's nightfall. 2 00:00:09,475 --> 00:00:11,164 The job of a vampire's familiar 3 00:00:11,189 --> 00:00:13,148 is not an easy one. 4 00:00:13,173 --> 00:00:14,250 It's very dangerous. 5 00:00:14,275 --> 00:00:16,640 I mean, they are vampires, after all. 6 00:00:16,751 --> 00:00:18,602 We can go in now. 7 00:00:25,382 --> 00:00:26,984 Good evening, Master. 8 00:00:27,009 --> 00:00:28,881 Guillermo? 9 00:00:28,906 --> 00:00:30,299 Yes, sir? 10 00:00:30,324 --> 00:00:32,623 - Is that you? - Yes, Master. 11 00:00:32,648 --> 00:00:34,186 - Okay. - Okay, Master. 12 00:00:34,211 --> 00:00:36,538 It's time to... rise. 13 00:00:36,856 --> 00:00:38,902 The... Okay. 14 00:00:43,160 --> 00:00:44,922 Guillermo, it is stuck. 15 00:00:44,947 --> 00:00:46,548 I think it is the latch. 16 00:00:46,573 --> 00:00:48,140 Being a vampire's familiar 17 00:00:48,165 --> 00:00:50,010 is like being a best friend. 18 00:00:50,841 --> 00:00:52,664 Who-Who's also a slave. 19 00:00:52,689 --> 00:00:54,807 Guillermo, it's too loud.-What? 20 00:00:54,832 --> 00:00:56,334 Tomorrow night marks 21 00:00:56,359 --> 00:00:58,102 the ten-year anniversary since 22 00:00:58,127 --> 00:00:59,932 I started working for my Master. 23 00:00:59,957 --> 00:01:03,607 I think he's planning something pretty special. 24 00:01:04,411 --> 00:01:07,111 I think he's gonna make me a vampire. 25 00:01:09,090 --> 00:01:10,831 This is very embarrassing. 26 00:01:10,856 --> 00:01:12,462 Okay, Master. 27 00:01:12,487 --> 00:01:13,992 He awakens. 28 00:01:25,750 --> 00:01:27,396 Very cool, Master. 29 00:01:27,421 --> 00:01:28,596 Very scary. 30 00:01:28,621 --> 00:01:29,640 Thank you. 31 00:02:00,391 --> 00:02:06,419 - Synced and corrected by martythecrazy - - www.addic7ed.com - 32 00:02:07,638 --> 00:02:09,156 Everyone? 33 00:02:09,181 --> 00:02:11,007 Nadja, Laszlo. 34 00:02:11,032 --> 00:02:11,984 - Yeah? - Yes? 35 00:02:12,009 --> 00:02:13,060 Can you come downstairs 36 00:02:13,085 --> 00:02:14,844 for a second, please? 37 00:02:15,285 --> 00:02:17,504 Thank you, Laszlo. 38 00:02:17,529 --> 00:02:19,690 In your own time, Nadja. 39 00:02:19,715 --> 00:02:21,023 Yes, good, excellent. 40 00:02:21,048 --> 00:02:22,093 So, listen. 41 00:02:22,118 --> 00:02:23,895 We have received a letter 42 00:02:24,121 --> 00:02:26,907 and I would like very much to read it to you. 43 00:02:26,932 --> 00:02:29,203 But not here, we want to go into the library. 44 00:02:29,228 --> 00:02:29,914 Why not here? 45 00:02:29,939 --> 00:02:31,898 I'd like to read it in there. It's just a formality. 46 00:02:31,923 --> 00:02:32,929 It'll sound exactly the same if you 47 00:02:32,954 --> 00:02:34,739 read it here than if you read it in there. 48 00:02:34,764 --> 00:02:36,766 I'm not going to disagree with you, but that's not the point. 49 00:02:36,791 --> 00:02:38,114 I was a very ferocious soldier 50 00:02:38,139 --> 00:02:39,836 in the Ottoman Empire. 51 00:02:39,861 --> 00:02:43,690 Which meant a lot of killing, lot of pillaging. 52 00:02:43,715 --> 00:02:47,371 People would say, "Please, don't pillage me." 53 00:02:47,396 --> 00:02:49,398 And I would say, "No. 54 00:02:49,423 --> 00:02:52,799 I'm pillaging everyone, you included." 55 00:02:53,152 --> 00:02:54,800 I was relentless. 56 00:02:54,825 --> 00:02:56,974 They would call me Nandor 57 00:02:56,999 --> 00:02:58,846 the Relentless. 58 00:03:00,145 --> 00:03:02,100 Because I just never relent. 59 00:03:02,243 --> 00:03:03,947 So I'd like very much for us to go into there, please. 60 00:03:03,972 --> 00:03:04,742 Just a formality. 61 00:03:04,767 --> 00:03:06,375 Come on, please, it's just a formality. 62 00:03:06,400 --> 00:03:07,781 - You could have read it by now. - Hmm. 63 00:03:07,806 --> 00:03:09,515 Just a formality, okay? Look, it's not even that far. 64 00:03:09,540 --> 00:03:11,485 - Oh, fuck this, fine. - Thank you, Laszlo. 65 00:03:11,510 --> 00:03:13,730 It's just a formality, please, Nadja. 66 00:03:13,755 --> 00:03:16,239 Just a formality, thank you. 67 00:03:16,264 --> 00:03:18,046 Guillermo, the door. 68 00:03:18,071 --> 00:03:19,868 That wasn't so bad, was it? 69 00:03:19,893 --> 00:03:23,205 Now before we go into the reading of the letter, 70 00:03:23,230 --> 00:03:26,958 I wanted to talk about general hygiene in the cell. 71 00:03:26,983 --> 00:03:28,008 Last night, 72 00:03:28,033 --> 00:03:30,425 there were all these people down there, 73 00:03:30,450 --> 00:03:32,933 shouting and screaming, half-drunk. 74 00:03:32,958 --> 00:03:34,508 Where did they find the alcohol? 75 00:03:34,533 --> 00:03:38,052 No, they were half-drunk. They'd been half drunk. 76 00:03:38,077 --> 00:03:39,917 - Oh. - Please, finish a whole victim 77 00:03:39,942 --> 00:03:42,267 before moving on to a next one, okay? 78 00:03:42,292 --> 00:03:43,636 It's very unhygienic. 79 00:03:43,661 --> 00:03:45,310 I think I know who's leaving them down there, 80 00:03:45,335 --> 00:03:48,024 - but I don't want to say. - If you've got something to say, 81 00:03:48,049 --> 00:03:50,644 - then damn well say it. - It's not hygienic. 82 00:03:50,669 --> 00:03:52,542 How dare you. 83 00:03:57,597 --> 00:03:59,792 The problems with living with other vampires 84 00:03:59,817 --> 00:04:01,744 are the vampires I have chosen to stay with. 85 00:04:03,185 --> 00:04:04,230 Nandor is like 86 00:04:04,255 --> 00:04:07,214 a big turkey just walking around 87 00:04:07,239 --> 00:04:09,311 trying to control everything on the farm. 88 00:04:09,336 --> 00:04:10,394 Hyah! 89 00:04:10,419 --> 00:04:12,421 And Laszlo is my big, crazy, 90 00:04:12,446 --> 00:04:15,441 wild bear and we love to chase each other around the house. 91 00:04:15,466 --> 00:04:17,894 I ought to fucking kill you! 92 00:04:17,919 --> 00:04:20,053 We have a great time together. 93 00:04:21,874 --> 00:04:23,932 I was the most handsome man 94 00:04:23,957 --> 00:04:25,067 in our village. 95 00:04:25,092 --> 00:04:26,722 His village was very badly affected 96 00:04:26,747 --> 00:04:28,644 by leprosy and the plague. 97 00:04:28,849 --> 00:04:30,284 That's true. 98 00:04:30,340 --> 00:04:33,082 And I, myself, did contract leprosy, 99 00:04:33,107 --> 00:04:35,128 but I was quite lucky 'cause it couldn't be seen. 100 00:04:35,153 --> 00:04:37,237 It was only one part of my anatomy. 101 00:04:37,262 --> 00:04:38,872 Well, I can see it. 102 00:04:38,897 --> 00:04:41,034 Anyway, one night, 103 00:04:41,059 --> 00:04:43,493 I was awoken by this... 104 00:04:43,810 --> 00:04:46,354 horrible clawing at the window. 105 00:04:46,379 --> 00:04:47,902 And I thought, "Who the hell is that? 106 00:04:47,927 --> 00:04:49,917 'Cause I live on the third floor." 107 00:04:49,942 --> 00:04:52,837 So I went to investigate it, I threw back the curtain... 108 00:04:52,862 --> 00:04:56,463 Well, I saw the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. 109 00:04:56,488 --> 00:04:59,216 But she was gripping the window 110 00:04:59,241 --> 00:05:00,956 and she was clawing at the glass. 111 00:05:00,981 --> 00:05:02,577 I was hypnotized. 112 00:05:02,602 --> 00:05:04,263 I used hypnosis on him. 113 00:05:04,288 --> 00:05:05,849 Which I found out later. 114 00:05:05,874 --> 00:05:08,185 Anyway, obviously I invited her in. 115 00:05:08,210 --> 00:05:09,727 We were about to make love 116 00:05:09,752 --> 00:05:13,487 when she turned into this hideous, leathery bat thing. 117 00:05:13,512 --> 00:05:15,818 She drained me of my blood, 118 00:05:15,843 --> 00:05:18,724 giving me the curse of eternal life 119 00:05:18,749 --> 00:05:20,794 and thus making me a bloodthirsty 120 00:05:20,819 --> 00:05:22,656 creature of the night. 121 00:05:29,075 --> 00:05:31,987 Why don't we just write on them with marker pen? 122 00:05:32,012 --> 00:05:33,222 Put our names and the date? 123 00:05:33,247 --> 00:05:34,294 Oh, that's a good suggestion. 124 00:05:34,319 --> 00:05:35,878 - Yeah. - Good idea, Nadja. 125 00:05:36,099 --> 00:05:37,519 Marker pens, Guillermo. 126 00:05:37,544 --> 00:05:39,006 Make sure they're permanent. 127 00:05:39,031 --> 00:05:40,389 - Sharpie. - Genius. 128 00:05:40,414 --> 00:05:43,678 - With date, as well. - Yes, great thinking, Nadja. 129 00:05:43,703 --> 00:05:47,182 - And yes, this... yes. - The name of the month, day, year. 130 00:05:47,207 --> 00:05:48,339 Okay. 131 00:05:48,510 --> 00:05:50,101 And now we come... 132 00:05:50,126 --> 00:05:52,356 to the reading... of the letter. 133 00:05:52,381 --> 00:05:53,952 At last. 134 00:05:53,977 --> 00:05:55,980 Guillermo? Close the door. 135 00:05:56,396 --> 00:05:59,068 - The door's closed, Master. - Close it more. 136 00:06:00,301 --> 00:06:01,738 More. 137 00:06:02,977 --> 00:06:04,327 Good. 138 00:06:04,352 --> 00:06:05,847 Now that we are gathered here... 139 00:06:05,872 --> 00:06:08,183 together as one, finally, 140 00:06:08,208 --> 00:06:09,808 in accordance with the protocols... 141 00:06:09,833 --> 00:06:10,990 Which you made up. 142 00:06:11,015 --> 00:06:12,666 Yes. 143 00:06:13,194 --> 00:06:15,460 We have received this letter. 144 00:06:16,041 --> 00:06:19,381 From Baron... Afanas. 145 00:06:23,509 --> 00:06:24,569 Really? 146 00:06:24,594 --> 00:06:25,762 Yes. 147 00:06:27,123 --> 00:06:28,879 How do you... 148 00:06:28,904 --> 00:06:30,516 - Like that. - Shh. 149 00:06:30,751 --> 00:06:32,353 The Baron... 150 00:06:34,704 --> 00:06:36,701 is coming to visit us. 151 00:06:36,726 --> 00:06:38,120 Holy shit. 152 00:06:38,145 --> 00:06:39,444 Silence, Guillermo. 153 00:06:39,559 --> 00:06:41,039 Vampire comments only. 154 00:06:41,064 --> 00:06:42,587 The Baron never leaves the old country. 155 00:06:42,612 --> 00:06:45,449 Has he told us what the purposeof his visit is? 156 00:06:46,790 --> 00:06:48,096 Uh... 157 00:06:49,405 --> 00:06:50,291 No. 158 00:06:50,316 --> 00:06:51,756 The Baron is a firm believer 159 00:06:51,781 --> 00:06:53,802 that vampires should rule the world. 160 00:06:53,827 --> 00:06:56,834 I think the main purpose for the Baron's visit 161 00:06:56,985 --> 00:06:58,587 is to find out whether we as vampires 162 00:06:58,612 --> 00:07:00,671 have populated America. 163 00:07:01,275 --> 00:07:02,527 But as you can see, 164 00:07:02,552 --> 00:07:04,299 the place is fucking massive. 165 00:07:04,324 --> 00:07:06,428 When is he coming, exactly? 166 00:07:06,453 --> 00:07:08,012 - Tomorrow. - Shit. 167 00:07:08,037 --> 00:07:09,421 Why didn't you give this to me earlier? 168 00:07:09,446 --> 00:07:11,143 It arrived this morning, Master. 169 00:07:12,724 --> 00:07:14,326 Baron Afanas is... 170 00:07:14,351 --> 00:07:17,233 a very charming member of the vampire royalty. 171 00:07:17,258 --> 00:07:18,311 A few hundred years ago, 172 00:07:18,336 --> 00:07:21,673 we enjoyed a very intense, very long sexual affair. 173 00:07:21,698 --> 00:07:23,555 It was pretty wild. 174 00:07:23,580 --> 00:07:25,248 Lots of acrobatic stuff. 175 00:07:25,273 --> 00:07:26,863 This could make it awkward, 176 00:07:26,888 --> 00:07:29,451 to see him with Laszlo... 177 00:07:29,940 --> 00:07:31,453 present. 178 00:07:31,478 --> 00:07:33,162 Just between you and I, 179 00:07:33,187 --> 00:07:34,998 a while back, the Baron and I 180 00:07:35,023 --> 00:07:38,250 enjoyed a very intense sex affair. 181 00:07:38,323 --> 00:07:40,170 Very animalistic. 182 00:07:40,195 --> 00:07:42,297 Acrobatic stuff, you might say. 183 00:07:42,322 --> 00:07:43,459 So I, personally, 184 00:07:43,484 --> 00:07:46,467 am very much looking forward to reconnecting. 185 00:07:46,622 --> 00:07:49,012 We should get a chariot led by 186 00:07:49,037 --> 00:07:51,342 12 black alligators. 187 00:07:51,367 --> 00:07:53,282 - I like that. - That's a lot of alligators, 188 00:07:53,307 --> 00:07:54,767 a lot of paint. 189 00:07:54,792 --> 00:07:56,233 What about a van? 190 00:07:56,258 --> 00:07:58,304 A van? 191 00:07:58,329 --> 00:07:59,370 That's not the same, is it? 192 00:07:59,395 --> 00:08:01,397 Can you at least make sure it's black? 193 00:08:01,612 --> 00:08:04,142 Yeah. Black van for tomorrow? 194 00:08:04,167 --> 00:08:07,260 Excellent. Uh, what about the Baron's bloodlust? 195 00:08:07,285 --> 00:08:09,272 - Virgins. - Oh, yes, let's do that. 196 00:08:09,297 --> 00:08:11,201 Guillermo, two virgins by tomorrow evening. 197 00:08:11,226 --> 00:08:12,756 Yes, when the Baron arrives 198 00:08:12,781 --> 00:08:14,870 we shall feast on virgin blood. 199 00:08:22,607 --> 00:08:24,300 Vampire only laughing. 200 00:08:24,325 --> 00:08:26,182 - Should we tell Colin Robinson? - Laszlo, 201 00:08:26,207 --> 00:08:28,010 that is a terrible idea. 202 00:08:28,035 --> 00:08:29,803 He'll ruin the evening. 203 00:08:30,322 --> 00:08:32,227 Uh, what would ruin the evening? 204 00:08:32,252 --> 00:08:35,265 I told you... didn't close the door properly. 205 00:08:36,128 --> 00:08:38,270 Are we having a house meeting? 206 00:08:39,590 --> 00:08:41,565 - No. - No. 207 00:08:41,590 --> 00:08:44,483 So, your gathering here... 208 00:08:44,508 --> 00:08:46,319 is just a coincidence? 209 00:08:47,071 --> 00:08:48,613 Yes. 210 00:08:49,223 --> 00:08:51,373 My name is Colin Robinson. 211 00:08:51,398 --> 00:08:53,268 And I am what's known as 212 00:08:53,293 --> 00:08:55,446 a psychic vampire. 213 00:08:55,471 --> 00:08:57,211 Or energy vampire. 214 00:08:57,236 --> 00:08:58,998 This is my office. 215 00:08:59,023 --> 00:09:01,684 Also known as the hunting ground. 216 00:09:01,760 --> 00:09:03,017 Hi, Deb. 217 00:09:03,042 --> 00:09:05,522 Energy vampires drain people's energy 218 00:09:05,547 --> 00:09:07,627 merely by talking to them. 219 00:09:07,652 --> 00:09:10,331 Actual v. Budget, year-to-date, no thanks. 220 00:09:10,356 --> 00:09:11,970 You're gonna be at that all day. 221 00:09:11,995 --> 00:09:13,953 We either bore you 222 00:09:13,978 --> 00:09:15,597 with a long conversation... 223 00:09:15,622 --> 00:09:18,143 Feeling better now, I was a little sick this weekend. 224 00:09:20,295 --> 00:09:21,949 Hey, Don. 225 00:09:21,974 --> 00:09:23,064 Don? 226 00:09:23,089 --> 00:09:25,232 I have to pee, too. 227 00:09:25,257 --> 00:09:26,245 Or... 228 00:09:26,270 --> 00:09:27,159 Hey. 229 00:09:27,184 --> 00:09:28,010 We enrage you. 230 00:09:30,326 --> 00:09:33,289 In fact, you probably know an energy vampire. 231 00:09:33,314 --> 00:09:35,141 We're the most common kind... 232 00:09:35,166 --> 00:09:36,785 of vampire. 233 00:09:38,599 --> 00:09:41,504 We are day-walkers, not affected by the sun. 234 00:09:43,270 --> 00:09:46,671 And we are the only kind of vampire 235 00:09:46,696 --> 00:09:49,382 that can drain another vampire's energy. 236 00:09:50,537 --> 00:09:52,634 It's very cool. 237 00:09:54,573 --> 00:09:57,846 The power grows stronger in him by the night. 238 00:10:04,307 --> 00:10:07,024 There's different kinds of jobs that I have to do. 239 00:10:07,124 --> 00:10:09,235 Keep the house tidy. 240 00:10:09,260 --> 00:10:11,029 Make sure there's no sunlight. 241 00:10:13,604 --> 00:10:15,870 Sunlight! Why, Guillermo, 242 00:10:15,895 --> 00:10:19,909 why?! 243 00:10:20,874 --> 00:10:22,624 Not on my watch. 244 00:10:23,956 --> 00:10:25,682 Getting rid of carcasses, 245 00:10:25,707 --> 00:10:28,046 I feel, is a big one. 246 00:10:31,825 --> 00:10:35,508 So, we are under the stairs and this is my bedroom. 247 00:10:36,407 --> 00:10:39,599 This is a picture of me as Armand 248 00:10:39,624 --> 00:10:41,440 from Interview with the Vampire. 249 00:10:41,465 --> 00:10:43,135 Played by Antonio Banderas. 250 00:10:43,160 --> 00:10:45,688 That was the first time I've ever seen 251 00:10:45,713 --> 00:10:47,377 an Hispanic vampire 252 00:10:47,402 --> 00:10:50,666 in mainstream, like, movies. 253 00:10:50,691 --> 00:10:53,607 And I said, "If he can do it, I-I... 254 00:10:53,632 --> 00:10:55,740 I can do it." 255 00:10:55,781 --> 00:10:57,870 Guillermo... boarded this whole window up, 256 00:10:57,895 --> 00:10:59,494 it's a huge sunlight risk. 257 00:10:59,519 --> 00:11:01,260 We wouldn't want the Baron waking up to sunlight 258 00:11:01,285 --> 00:11:03,197 and being turned into barbecue meat. 259 00:11:03,222 --> 00:11:04,268 Yeah, really cover it. 260 00:11:04,293 --> 00:11:06,709 He's made a lot of comments recently, like, 261 00:11:06,790 --> 00:11:08,961 "I'm going to make you a vampire." 262 00:11:08,986 --> 00:11:11,772 This is a little coffin toy that, uh... 263 00:11:11,797 --> 00:11:13,842 I hope to be in one of these one day. 264 00:11:14,414 --> 00:11:16,416 What ho, good friends. 265 00:11:16,441 --> 00:11:18,262 What ho! 266 00:11:18,287 --> 00:11:21,641 There's still a few places to find virgins. 267 00:11:21,730 --> 00:11:24,434 LARPing stands for Live Action Role Playing. 268 00:11:24,459 --> 00:11:27,355 In regular life, I'm just Jonathan. 269 00:11:27,380 --> 00:11:30,346 But here, I am a very high-level paladin. 270 00:11:30,371 --> 00:11:31,878 I'm not a killer. 271 00:11:31,903 --> 00:11:34,667 I find people who are easy... 272 00:11:34,692 --> 00:11:37,114 to... kill. 273 00:11:37,139 --> 00:11:38,950 Is that a 14th-century battle-ax? 274 00:11:38,975 --> 00:11:40,315 Oh, it's so exciting. 275 00:11:40,340 --> 00:11:42,786 Uh, will we be able to touch the swords? 276 00:11:43,508 --> 00:11:45,372 Oh, you'll touch the swords. 277 00:11:48,062 --> 00:11:49,760 We moved here from Europe 278 00:11:49,785 --> 00:11:52,135 about 200 years ago because there was 279 00:11:52,160 --> 00:11:55,686 a lot of prejudice against vampires at that time. 280 00:12:00,287 --> 00:12:01,932 They don't like the color of our skin. 281 00:12:02,114 --> 00:12:04,595 Or the fact that we killed and ate people. 282 00:12:04,983 --> 00:12:06,561 Probably more that. 283 00:12:07,376 --> 00:12:10,398 We're being very careful not to stand out, 284 00:12:10,423 --> 00:12:12,382 which is why we're both dressed down. 285 00:12:12,612 --> 00:12:15,487 - Uh, good evening. - Go back to your own country. 286 00:12:15,512 --> 00:12:17,533 What the fuck did you just say? 287 00:12:17,565 --> 00:12:19,010 You heard me, Ghost of Christmas Past bitch. 288 00:12:19,035 --> 00:12:20,421 Oh, Mike, shut up. 289 00:12:20,446 --> 00:12:24,057 Silence to you. We've been here since 1861. 290 00:12:24,510 --> 00:12:26,790 At least, our families have. 291 00:12:26,815 --> 00:12:28,415 Begone. 292 00:12:28,869 --> 00:12:31,132 We should just suck their blood, I'm absolutely starving. 293 00:12:31,157 --> 00:12:32,724 - They're perfect. - No, I'm furious. 294 00:12:32,749 --> 00:12:34,495 He just insulted me, I'm in fifth gear. 295 00:12:34,520 --> 00:12:36,174 - We should kill them. - Yes, that's what I'm saying. 296 00:12:36,199 --> 00:12:38,426 - We should suck their blood. - Yes. 297 00:12:39,781 --> 00:12:41,637 - Now? - Wait. Wait, darling. 298 00:12:41,662 --> 00:12:43,598 - Now? - Now! 299 00:12:43,623 --> 00:12:46,260 What? 300 00:12:46,285 --> 00:12:47,784 Mike? 301 00:12:47,809 --> 00:12:49,407 Where the fuck are you? 302 00:12:51,582 --> 00:12:53,482 What the fuck? 303 00:12:56,377 --> 00:12:58,640 Yum, yum, yum. He was delicious. 304 00:12:58,665 --> 00:13:00,018 Now, listen, I don't know about you, 305 00:13:00,043 --> 00:13:02,424 but I'm very much in the mood for some sexual intercourse. 306 00:13:04,430 --> 00:13:07,428 Darling. Right next to the public toilet? 307 00:13:07,453 --> 00:13:08,971 Yes. But why don't I get home, 308 00:13:08,996 --> 00:13:11,626 get cleaned up, then we can carry on with our love-making. 309 00:13:11,805 --> 00:13:14,025 Um, I'm going to walk home. 310 00:13:14,050 --> 00:13:16,130 Why the hell would you do that? 311 00:13:16,155 --> 00:13:17,471 Why would you walk home? 312 00:13:17,496 --> 00:13:19,455 When you could turn into a bat? 313 00:13:20,078 --> 00:13:21,385 Bat! 314 00:13:27,147 --> 00:13:28,977 I would like some of that, uh, 315 00:13:29,002 --> 00:13:31,979 colorful dust that sparkles. 316 00:13:32,130 --> 00:13:34,064 - Glitter? - Yes. 317 00:13:34,089 --> 00:13:35,438 Get me some glitter. 318 00:13:35,463 --> 00:13:37,073 Whatever for, Master? 319 00:13:37,098 --> 00:13:38,882 Oh, I want to do something special 320 00:13:38,907 --> 00:13:40,839 for the Immortal One's arrival. 321 00:13:40,864 --> 00:13:43,991 I'm going to sprinkle it on my face and on my body. 322 00:13:44,449 --> 00:13:46,369 Like Twilight. 323 00:13:47,730 --> 00:13:50,716 So deliciously macabre. 324 00:13:50,741 --> 00:13:53,657 - Creepy paper. - It's crepe paper. 325 00:13:53,682 --> 00:13:56,293 - Creepy paper. - It's crepe paper, Master. 326 00:13:56,318 --> 00:13:59,132 Creepy... Oh, multipack. 327 00:13:59,527 --> 00:14:02,093 Master, this is pretty "macarbre." 328 00:14:07,629 --> 00:14:10,518 Guillermo is my familiar, 329 00:14:10,543 --> 00:14:13,587 but sometimes he's a little toofamiliar, you know what I mean? 330 00:14:13,619 --> 00:14:15,229 I mean, he's always just there. 331 00:14:15,254 --> 00:14:16,721 I think it's good, Master. 332 00:14:16,746 --> 00:14:18,338 I mean, he works really hard, 333 00:14:18,363 --> 00:14:19,596 he's just not great at it. 334 00:14:19,621 --> 00:14:21,776 Guillermo, my cape is stuck. 335 00:14:23,436 --> 00:14:24,741 I don't like saying this kind of thing 336 00:14:24,766 --> 00:14:26,284 in front of him, of course. 337 00:14:27,656 --> 00:14:29,033 Sorry, Guillermo. 338 00:14:29,058 --> 00:14:31,627 I don't like saying this kind of thing in front of you. 339 00:14:31,652 --> 00:14:33,291 That's okay, Master. 340 00:14:39,600 --> 00:14:41,175 Lot of glitter. 341 00:14:42,753 --> 00:14:44,494 - Cash or card? - Credit. 342 00:14:44,519 --> 00:14:46,137 You cannot pay with that. 343 00:14:46,995 --> 00:14:48,530 I'm so sorry. 344 00:14:48,555 --> 00:14:50,600 - Did you just throw a coin at me? - Yes. 345 00:14:50,625 --> 00:14:52,769 Sir, you can't be throwing ancient coins at me. 346 00:14:52,794 --> 00:14:54,722 - Just... Credit card's fine. - Guillermo, stab this man. 347 00:14:54,747 --> 00:14:56,732 - He's joking. - Stab him. 348 00:14:56,757 --> 00:14:59,108 - Ahh... - Thank you. 349 00:14:59,133 --> 00:15:00,499 - I tried, and... - Here you go, man. 350 00:15:00,524 --> 00:15:02,365 - Thank you so much. - You kind of disobeyed me just now. 351 00:15:02,390 --> 00:15:04,697 And I'm noting it. 352 00:15:08,777 --> 00:15:11,830 Recently I have been seeing another man. 353 00:15:14,758 --> 00:15:19,003 He doesn't see me, though, because I sneak behind him. 354 00:15:24,152 --> 00:15:26,177 I watch him in the night, 355 00:15:26,202 --> 00:15:28,262 in secret. 356 00:15:41,753 --> 00:15:43,780 In the old country, centuries ago, 357 00:15:43,805 --> 00:15:46,215 I was in a very passionate love affair 358 00:15:46,240 --> 00:15:48,490 with a human man called Gregor. 359 00:15:48,664 --> 00:15:50,446 He was a knight. 360 00:15:50,471 --> 00:15:53,161 He got decapitated in battle. 361 00:15:53,186 --> 00:15:55,861 I don't think I ever really got over Gregor. 362 00:15:55,886 --> 00:15:57,501 Even when I met Laszlo. 363 00:15:57,526 --> 00:15:59,603 June, I've lost my boot. 364 00:15:59,628 --> 00:16:01,546 June? 365 00:16:01,986 --> 00:16:03,540 Come on, June. 366 00:16:03,565 --> 00:16:05,925 The man I saw last night, 367 00:16:05,950 --> 00:16:07,468 I think it is him. 368 00:16:07,493 --> 00:16:10,970 I think it is my reincarnated ex-boyfriend Gregor, 369 00:16:10,995 --> 00:16:12,579 with his head. 370 00:16:12,604 --> 00:16:13,782 Put it on, June. 371 00:16:13,807 --> 00:16:15,935 - Shut up, Laszlo! - Yes, there we are. 372 00:16:16,262 --> 00:16:17,916 Boot on. 373 00:16:20,454 --> 00:16:22,630 Okay, it's just down here somewhere. 374 00:16:22,655 --> 00:16:25,275 Why haven't I been to this part of the house before? 375 00:16:25,300 --> 00:16:26,738 It's so lovely. 376 00:16:26,763 --> 00:16:28,661 - No one has for 80 years. - Gorgeous. 377 00:16:28,686 --> 00:16:29,775 What are we doing down here? 378 00:16:29,800 --> 00:16:31,889 There is a chamber, okay? 379 00:16:31,920 --> 00:16:33,878 It's going to be perfect for the bloodfeast. 380 00:16:33,903 --> 00:16:35,643 If we have the ceremony in here, 381 00:16:35,668 --> 00:16:37,915 then you-know-who won't even need to know. 382 00:16:37,940 --> 00:16:39,768 I mean Colin. 383 00:16:39,793 --> 00:16:42,752 - Colin, what are you doing in here? - Oh... 384 00:16:42,777 --> 00:16:45,885 This is my bedroom. I'm resting. 385 00:16:47,200 --> 00:16:48,841 You idiot. 386 00:16:48,874 --> 00:16:50,324 I didn't know he was gonna be in there. 387 00:16:50,349 --> 00:16:51,853 Why didn't you check? 388 00:16:51,878 --> 00:16:54,536 It's fine, we're gonna have the ceremony in the attic. 389 00:16:54,561 --> 00:16:56,728 We can't, the StairMaster's in there. 390 00:16:56,753 --> 00:16:58,935 Well, we're going to move the StairMaster. 391 00:17:01,330 --> 00:17:03,356 Is it definitely this boat? 392 00:17:04,243 --> 00:17:05,723 There he is. 393 00:17:05,748 --> 00:17:07,195 I knew he'd have a big box. 394 00:17:07,220 --> 00:17:10,092 June, you need to go and fetch him. 395 00:17:13,017 --> 00:17:14,889 Sir, I just need someone to sign for it. 396 00:17:14,914 --> 00:17:18,206 - Where's the pen? - So, the tablet is the paper. 397 00:17:18,231 --> 00:17:20,374 Your finger is the pen. 398 00:17:20,399 --> 00:17:22,749 Okay, that's weird. 399 00:17:22,774 --> 00:17:24,252 Okay, that's nothing. 400 00:17:24,277 --> 00:17:26,464 Both of you, for some reason, aren't registering here. 401 00:17:26,489 --> 00:17:28,025 You got long nails maybe or something? 402 00:17:28,050 --> 00:17:28,924 Would you like a go, Laszlo? 403 00:17:28,949 --> 00:17:31,095 - Do you have a quill? - No, it's all digital. 404 00:17:31,120 --> 00:17:32,160 Then I'm not signing that. 405 00:17:32,185 --> 00:17:34,472 Guillermo, give me your hand. 406 00:17:34,821 --> 00:17:37,075 - Ah. - Okay! 407 00:17:38,392 --> 00:17:40,519 I think the baron might be here 408 00:17:40,544 --> 00:17:42,479 to see me become a vampire. 409 00:17:42,504 --> 00:17:45,464 That would be really cool. 410 00:17:45,489 --> 00:17:48,527 I'm ready. 411 00:17:51,998 --> 00:17:54,366 I should be preparing for the bloodfeast, 412 00:17:54,391 --> 00:17:57,285 but I can't seem to stay away from new Gregor. 413 00:17:57,310 --> 00:18:01,372 Man. Human man. Man! 414 00:18:03,260 --> 00:18:05,447 - S-Sorry, what did you say? - Gregor, 415 00:18:05,472 --> 00:18:06,647 it is you. 416 00:18:06,723 --> 00:18:08,564 Oh, my name is Jeff. 417 00:18:08,589 --> 00:18:11,046 - Jeff? - J-Jeff Suckler. 418 00:18:11,071 --> 00:18:14,303 My sweet Greg... Jeff S... 419 00:18:14,328 --> 00:18:16,335 Really... J-Jeff Suckler? 420 00:18:16,360 --> 00:18:18,892 - Yeah. - Ew. 421 00:18:25,298 --> 00:18:27,482 I call that "Nadja's Theme." 422 00:18:35,583 --> 00:18:37,743 Guillermo, are the virgins arriving soon? 423 00:18:37,768 --> 00:18:40,206 They should be any minute now, Master. 424 00:18:40,231 --> 00:18:41,586 Fingers crossed. 425 00:18:41,611 --> 00:18:42,572 Sorry. 426 00:18:42,597 --> 00:18:44,416 Don't do that. 427 00:18:46,258 --> 00:18:49,003 Ah. Dinner is served. 428 00:18:49,316 --> 00:18:50,589 Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.... 429 00:18:51,699 --> 00:18:53,884 Hello. So glad you could make it. 430 00:18:53,909 --> 00:18:55,678 Please come in, quickly. 431 00:18:58,531 --> 00:19:01,350 Everyone, this is Jenna and Jonathan. 432 00:19:01,375 --> 00:19:02,685 - Hi. - Hi. 433 00:19:02,710 --> 00:19:03,525 Are you virgins? 434 00:19:03,550 --> 00:19:04,372 Mm. 435 00:19:04,397 --> 00:19:05,979 I don't see how that's relevant. 436 00:19:06,004 --> 00:19:07,181 - Mm. - I'm actually 437 00:19:07,206 --> 00:19:09,149 in a relationship online, 438 00:19:09,174 --> 00:19:11,652 but we've yet to meet IRL. 439 00:19:11,922 --> 00:19:13,862 Well done, Guillermo. 440 00:19:14,176 --> 00:19:15,351 Yeah. 441 00:19:15,376 --> 00:19:16,726 All right, okay, let's do it. 442 00:19:19,736 --> 00:19:21,662 Are they a vampire LARP group? 443 00:19:21,687 --> 00:19:23,556 Yeah, well, why don't we wait in here? 444 00:19:23,581 --> 00:19:25,457 The party's gonna start in a few minutes, 445 00:19:25,482 --> 00:19:28,118 so we can just hang out, and I'll come get you when... 446 00:19:30,403 --> 00:19:31,926 No. No, no, no! No, no, no, no. 447 00:19:31,951 --> 00:19:34,040 No, no, no. I said no! 448 00:19:37,662 --> 00:19:40,491 We take our LARPing very seriously. 449 00:19:40,516 --> 00:19:43,978 And that was just an example. I wanted you to see that. 450 00:19:44,003 --> 00:19:45,852 I'm inspired. 451 00:19:46,041 --> 00:19:48,273 So, are you a knight? 452 00:19:48,407 --> 00:19:50,888 Yeah, I'm... Well, no, uh, sorry. 453 00:19:50,913 --> 00:19:53,121 I thought you were gonna say "night watchman." 454 00:19:53,146 --> 00:19:54,487 I'm a-I'm a night watchman 455 00:19:54,512 --> 00:19:56,113 Mmm. 456 00:19:56,289 --> 00:19:58,639 Protector of the people. 457 00:19:58,664 --> 00:20:00,231 Oh, no, not-not really. 458 00:20:05,625 --> 00:20:08,792 Oh, my sweet Gregor-Jeff, 459 00:20:08,817 --> 00:20:12,088 I forgot how much ofa fantastic raconteur you were. 460 00:20:12,113 --> 00:20:13,439 Oh, yeah. 461 00:20:13,464 --> 00:20:14,639 Oh, yeah, yeah. 462 00:20:14,664 --> 00:20:16,318 Ooh, do you remember that first time 463 00:20:16,343 --> 00:20:18,997 that we made love, and it was so passionate 464 00:20:19,022 --> 00:20:20,704 that I accidentally cut off your head? 465 00:20:20,729 --> 00:20:22,540 - No. What? - Mm! 466 00:20:22,565 --> 00:20:25,095 But then I kept going, squeezing 467 00:20:25,120 --> 00:20:27,212 until my needs were met. Hmm. 468 00:20:27,237 --> 00:20:29,065 We should do that again. 469 00:20:29,090 --> 00:20:31,744 But I mustn't. But I want to. 470 00:20:31,769 --> 00:20:32,556 But you can't. 471 00:20:32,581 --> 00:20:34,801 But I have been married for such a long time. 472 00:20:34,826 --> 00:20:37,029 Oh. 473 00:20:40,833 --> 00:20:42,636 - I must go. - Okay. 474 00:20:42,661 --> 00:20:43,728 Let me just get your number before you go... 475 00:20:44,362 --> 00:20:46,368 so we can... I can... we can do that again. 476 00:20:46,393 --> 00:20:47,720 Uh... 477 00:20:52,864 --> 00:20:54,518 - You're late. - Throw it. 478 00:20:54,543 --> 00:20:56,414 That's it. 479 00:20:56,439 --> 00:20:57,758 Okay, Guillermo. 480 00:20:57,935 --> 00:21:02,929 We three... not counting Guillermo... or June... 481 00:21:04,268 --> 00:21:05,556 or you... 482 00:21:05,581 --> 00:21:08,683 are gathered here in accordance with the ancient... 483 00:21:08,708 --> 00:21:09,704 Get on with it. 484 00:21:09,729 --> 00:21:10,931 - Get on with it. - Guys. 485 00:21:10,956 --> 00:21:13,040 In bearings with the ordinance- 486 00:21:13,065 --> 00:21:16,112 of the nine generations that have surpassed us 487 00:21:16,137 --> 00:21:19,154 before this historic and memorable moment. 488 00:21:20,727 --> 00:21:23,991 Guillermo, open the casket 489 00:21:24,016 --> 00:21:27,155 of Baron Afanas. 490 00:21:27,442 --> 00:21:29,580 Oh... 491 00:21:29,605 --> 00:21:31,389 Oh, it opens all by itself. 492 00:21:31,414 --> 00:21:33,416 It's so cool. 493 00:21:34,478 --> 00:21:38,221 ♪ In nomine Patris ♪ 494 00:21:38,246 --> 00:21:42,294 ♪ Et Filii ♪ 495 00:21:42,319 --> 00:21:46,850 ♪ Et Spiritus Sancti... ♪ 496 00:21:50,017 --> 00:21:51,770 Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa... 497 00:21:51,795 --> 00:21:55,191 I say, old chap, that's our familiar. 498 00:22:01,661 --> 00:22:02,879 Good God. 499 00:22:02,904 --> 00:22:04,427 Guillermo, did you see? 500 00:22:04,452 --> 00:22:06,388 He ate the familiar. 501 00:22:09,230 --> 00:22:10,790 That's scary. 502 00:22:10,815 --> 00:22:13,499 Ne la materia 503 00:22:13,524 --> 00:22:16,064 che mai non dorme 504 00:22:16,089 --> 00:22:20,919 re de le forme. 505 00:22:20,944 --> 00:22:25,877 I have risen again. 506 00:22:26,688 --> 00:22:28,943 Hello, Nadja. 507 00:22:28,968 --> 00:22:30,665 Hello. 508 00:22:30,690 --> 00:22:32,644 He's so hilarious. 509 00:22:32,669 --> 00:22:35,105 - Laszlo. - Yes. 510 00:22:35,130 --> 00:22:36,877 I seem to remember him having genitals. 511 00:22:36,902 --> 00:22:39,693 No, never. That is why he was such a good lover. 512 00:22:39,718 --> 00:22:41,877 Guillermo, fetch the virgins. 513 00:22:42,508 --> 00:22:44,657 As an advocate of the old ways, 514 00:22:44,682 --> 00:22:47,065 can I just apologize for the crepe paper? 515 00:22:47,090 --> 00:22:47,701 Hey... 516 00:22:47,726 --> 00:22:49,728 It should have been human skin, obviously. 517 00:22:49,753 --> 00:22:52,625 And I deeply apologize for the StairMaster. 518 00:22:52,650 --> 00:22:53,666 It's all his fault. 519 00:22:53,691 --> 00:22:55,560 I go through all this effort, I get the creepy paper. 520 00:22:55,585 --> 00:22:57,619 - I get Guillermo to... - It's not "creepy." 521 00:22:57,644 --> 00:22:59,124 It's crepepaper, crepe. 522 00:22:59,149 --> 00:23:01,215 Silence! 523 00:23:01,847 --> 00:23:06,886 I come with a proclamation. 524 00:23:07,313 --> 00:23:09,514 The old ways... 525 00:23:09,966 --> 00:23:12,100 are over. 526 00:23:12,125 --> 00:23:13,811 Which is what I just said. 527 00:23:13,836 --> 00:23:16,796 The New World, as you call it, 528 00:23:16,821 --> 00:23:18,823 is our lifeline 529 00:23:18,848 --> 00:23:21,862 to an eternal future. 530 00:23:22,330 --> 00:23:23,945 Si... 531 00:23:25,154 --> 00:23:27,449 It's a documentary crew. They're cameras. 532 00:23:27,474 --> 00:23:29,056 It's like they're not even here. 533 00:23:29,081 --> 00:23:30,691 - They are filming me? - Yes. 534 00:23:30,716 --> 00:23:32,326 Just pretend like they're not there. 535 00:23:32,351 --> 00:23:33,806 It's kind of a natural piece. 536 00:23:33,831 --> 00:23:35,485 You were saying, Baron? 537 00:23:35,510 --> 00:23:37,835 Centuries have passed, 538 00:23:37,860 --> 00:23:42,089 and you have not conquered the New World. 539 00:23:42,114 --> 00:23:45,030 You hide in the shadows. 540 00:23:45,055 --> 00:23:47,510 Bah. You are weak. 541 00:23:47,535 --> 00:23:49,414 Oh, God. Oh... 542 00:23:49,439 --> 00:23:51,002 Not now, Guillermo. 543 00:23:51,027 --> 00:23:52,985 Go, go, go. Go, go, go. 544 00:23:53,010 --> 00:23:54,353 - Go. - Oh, by now, 545 00:23:54,378 --> 00:23:57,502 you should rule this, this, uh... 546 00:23:57,527 --> 00:24:00,478 - what is this place again? - Staten Island. 547 00:24:00,503 --> 00:24:02,942 This Staten Island. 548 00:24:04,679 --> 00:24:07,780 Is this Staten Island the seat of power 549 00:24:07,805 --> 00:24:09,574 in the New World? 550 00:24:09,599 --> 00:24:12,036 It is where the boat dropped us off. 551 00:24:12,061 --> 00:24:16,765 Down with the old ways. Up with t-the New World. 552 00:24:16,790 --> 00:24:18,505 I've been saying it for centuries, and he would never 553 00:24:18,530 --> 00:24:21,545 - listen... - Shh. 554 00:24:21,683 --> 00:24:24,590 Mm. I must slumber. 555 00:24:24,615 --> 00:24:26,675 But when I awaken, 556 00:24:26,962 --> 00:24:29,552 we will rule this... 557 00:24:29,577 --> 00:24:31,889 Staten Island. 558 00:24:32,502 --> 00:24:34,599 Y-Yes. 559 00:24:34,624 --> 00:24:35,933 - Yes! - Yes. 560 00:24:35,958 --> 00:24:36,947 Nadja? 561 00:24:36,972 --> 00:24:39,647 Baron. 562 00:24:39,672 --> 00:24:42,774 - Laszlo. - Baron. 563 00:24:43,357 --> 00:24:45,694 It's Nandor. 564 00:24:50,823 --> 00:24:51,950 Thank God. 565 00:24:51,975 --> 00:24:54,197 The Baron is furious with us. 566 00:24:54,222 --> 00:24:56,372 It's so dumb that I wore glitter. 567 00:24:56,397 --> 00:24:57,748 Let's get rid of this shit. 568 00:24:57,773 --> 00:24:59,166 If we don't conquer the New World, 569 00:24:59,191 --> 00:25:00,751 he's going to kill us. 570 00:25:00,776 --> 00:25:02,336 Again. 571 00:25:02,867 --> 00:25:06,173 - Basically, we're fucked. - Fucked. 572 00:25:07,451 --> 00:25:09,410 Well, that was a complete disaster. 573 00:25:09,789 --> 00:25:12,054 At least we have the virgins. 574 00:25:12,608 --> 00:25:15,432 Uh, yes. 575 00:25:19,878 --> 00:25:21,575 For an economy car. 576 00:25:21,600 --> 00:25:23,265 - Oh, great. - We're too late. 577 00:25:23,290 --> 00:25:26,705 Colin Robinson has drained them of all their energy. 578 00:25:26,730 --> 00:25:28,862 "How are you gonna wash this car?" 579 00:25:28,887 --> 00:25:31,674 They have no nutritional value now. 580 00:25:31,699 --> 00:25:33,283 And I know you two said you don't drive, 581 00:25:33,308 --> 00:25:35,180 and don't have driver's licenses, 582 00:25:35,205 --> 00:25:36,494 but are you gonna do a... 583 00:25:36,519 --> 00:25:38,038 a-a different type of car wash, 584 00:25:38,063 --> 00:25:41,124 maybe having detailing done? 585 00:25:41,149 --> 00:25:43,154 Now, detailing, they go into your car 586 00:25:43,179 --> 00:25:45,660 and they get into the nooks and crannies, so... 587 00:25:45,685 --> 00:25:48,256 Anyway, you take care, okay? 588 00:25:54,412 --> 00:25:56,222 You are glum, Guillermo. 589 00:25:56,593 --> 00:25:58,564 - No. - Yes. 590 00:25:58,589 --> 00:25:59,981 You think that I've forgotten that tonight 591 00:26:00,006 --> 00:26:02,938 is a special occasion for you as well, haven't you? 592 00:26:09,093 --> 00:26:11,863 Does not an anniversary deserve a reward 593 00:26:11,888 --> 00:26:14,574 recognizing your years of service? 594 00:26:16,397 --> 00:26:17,868 I'm ready, Master. 595 00:26:17,902 --> 00:26:19,468 Good. 596 00:26:19,493 --> 00:26:21,428 Prepare yourself. 597 00:26:26,877 --> 00:26:29,505 Happy anniversary, Guillermo. 598 00:26:33,745 --> 00:26:37,264 - Wow... - It's a glitter portrait. 599 00:26:37,505 --> 00:26:41,434 It's a portrait made from glitter. 600 00:26:41,582 --> 00:26:43,730 Look, it's you. 601 00:26:43,755 --> 00:26:45,981 I made you a vampire. 602 00:26:46,006 --> 00:26:47,573 And look who's next to you. 603 00:26:47,706 --> 00:26:49,055 It's me. 604 00:26:49,099 --> 00:26:51,754 - Wow. - Enjoy it. 605 00:26:51,779 --> 00:26:54,615 You can put it in your depressing room. 606 00:26:54,916 --> 00:26:58,702 And you deserve it. Two years of service. 607 00:26:59,434 --> 00:27:00,828 T-Ten. 608 00:27:00,931 --> 00:27:02,759 Ten years of service. 609 00:27:02,784 --> 00:27:05,918 - Ten. - Ten years of service? 610 00:27:08,464 --> 00:27:10,255 Okay. 611 00:27:33,448 --> 00:27:35,823 Night, Guillermo. 612 00:28:17,460 --> 00:28:24,033 - Synced and corrected by martythecrazy - - www.addic7ed.com - 613 00:28:54,482 --> 00:28:56,092 - Oh! - Aaah! 614 00:28:56,117 --> 00:28:58,273 What We Do in the Shadows.