1 00:00:00,745 --> 00:00:02,047 Baby Colin is miserable, 2 00:00:02,081 --> 00:00:03,416 and it's a mystery to me. 3 00:00:05,722 --> 00:00:09,195 Seems like only yesterday when he danced and sang and was 4 00:00:09,228 --> 00:00:10,698 full of joys and smiles. 5 00:00:12,201 --> 00:00:13,704 Now he barely talks to me. 6 00:00:13,738 --> 00:00:15,374 And when he does, it's very unpleasant. 7 00:00:15,407 --> 00:00:18,146 Shit. Have you got enough toys on the floor? 8 00:00:18,179 --> 00:00:20,217 I say, can you take the headphones off? 9 00:00:20,250 --> 00:00:21,520 My headphones are on. 10 00:00:21,554 --> 00:00:23,156 Yeah, I know. Can you take them off? 11 00:00:23,189 --> 00:00:24,058 Just for one second. 12 00:00:24,091 --> 00:00:25,562 Hold on. What? 13 00:00:25,595 --> 00:00:28,668 I was thinking, why don't we hop the fence at the zoo 14 00:00:28,701 --> 00:00:30,805 and see if those baby rhinos have grown 15 00:00:30,838 --> 00:00:33,143 - since the last time we... - Yeah, I'm kind of busy right now. 16 00:00:33,176 --> 00:00:34,078 Looked at them. 17 00:00:34,111 --> 00:00:36,216 Thank you. 18 00:00:36,249 --> 00:00:37,084 Why are you still here? 19 00:00:37,117 --> 00:00:38,788 - Okay. Uh... - Huh? 20 00:00:38,821 --> 00:00:41,059 I know he has the body of a man now, 21 00:00:41,092 --> 00:00:44,733 but it was literally last week when he was but a small boy. 22 00:00:44,766 --> 00:00:46,604 And I've read all the relevant literature 23 00:00:46,637 --> 00:00:49,208 on the trials and tribulations of being a young person, 24 00:00:49,242 --> 00:00:51,513 but it's provided me with no guidance at all. 25 00:00:51,547 --> 00:00:55,254 He doesn't even enjoy his play dates anymore. 26 00:00:55,287 --> 00:00:58,159 He's really had quite the growth spurt, hasn't he? 27 00:00:58,193 --> 00:01:00,397 Ain't that the truth, Alison? You see, he's on the cusp 28 00:01:00,430 --> 00:01:01,700 of that awkward age. 29 00:01:01,734 --> 00:01:04,105 No, I'm on base. I'm on base! 30 00:01:04,138 --> 00:01:06,276 Dylan! 31 00:01:06,309 --> 00:01:08,113 Dylan said that the staircase 32 00:01:08,146 --> 00:01:11,720 was base, and I was touching base, but he hit me anyway! 33 00:01:11,754 --> 00:01:14,225 - It wasn't fair! - It's all right. 34 00:01:14,258 --> 00:01:15,862 I wish you were dead, Dylan! 35 00:01:15,895 --> 00:01:17,799 - No, no, come on. No, you don't. - Yes, I do! 36 00:01:17,832 --> 00:01:19,536 It's like he's half kid, half adult. 37 00:01:19,569 --> 00:01:20,738 It's okay. 38 00:01:20,772 --> 00:01:22,408 I mean, he looks like Colin Robinson 39 00:01:22,441 --> 00:01:23,744 and he sounds like Colin Robinson, but mentally 40 00:01:23,778 --> 00:01:26,115 - he's all over the place. - So, you're gonna hold the bat. 41 00:01:26,149 --> 00:01:28,854 - Why? - As the other parental figure in his life, 42 00:01:28,888 --> 00:01:31,259 I thought I'd have the opportunity to teach him things. 43 00:01:31,292 --> 00:01:32,562 Swing! All right! 44 00:01:32,596 --> 00:01:34,332 - Okay. It's okay. I'll get it. - It just happened so fast. 45 00:01:34,365 --> 00:01:35,768 Just... 46 00:01:35,802 --> 00:01:38,173 So you really want to look at the ball, okay? 47 00:01:38,206 --> 00:01:39,743 - I did look at the ball. - The only thing that seems to give him 48 00:01:39,776 --> 00:01:42,181 any joy these days and has done since he learned to walk 49 00:01:42,214 --> 00:01:43,316 is hammering holes 50 00:01:43,350 --> 00:01:45,187 in his old room in the basement. 51 00:01:45,220 --> 00:01:46,590 Now, I've tried to stop him, 52 00:01:46,624 --> 00:01:48,259 but it seems like a healthy release 53 00:01:48,293 --> 00:01:50,263 for this seemingly relentless 54 00:01:50,297 --> 00:01:52,434 and unwarranted anger. 55 00:02:45,240 --> 00:02:47,612 Now that we don't have Baby Colin as our big draw, 56 00:02:47,645 --> 00:02:50,585 the nightclub has just gone to a big steaming shit! 57 00:02:50,618 --> 00:02:52,655 - I wouldn't say "shit," but... - Well, I would. 58 00:02:52,689 --> 00:02:54,659 And we still don't have even close to enough money 59 00:02:54,693 --> 00:02:57,264 - to repair the house. - But we're not giving up. 60 00:02:57,297 --> 00:02:58,567 She's full of ideas, this one. 61 00:02:58,601 --> 00:03:00,505 I am. I still think we should try 62 00:03:00,538 --> 00:03:02,976 that all-vampire freestyle rap battle again. 63 00:03:03,009 --> 00:03:06,382 It's no good. Vampires are too hotheaded. 64 00:03:06,416 --> 00:03:07,919 Why you out here competing? 65 00:03:07,952 --> 00:03:09,523 Why's that hairline receding? 66 00:03:09,556 --> 00:03:10,925 Why'd you even... 67 00:03:11,994 --> 00:03:12,862 And then there was 68 00:03:12,896 --> 00:03:16,369 the human improvisational comedy troupe. 69 00:03:16,402 --> 00:03:17,471 Okay, so, to get us started, 70 00:03:17,505 --> 00:03:18,574 first we're gonna need a suggestion. 71 00:03:18,607 --> 00:03:20,243 Suck each other's dicks! 72 00:03:20,277 --> 00:03:21,312 - Yeah! - Seems like vampires 73 00:03:21,345 --> 00:03:23,349 just don't get improv comedy. 74 00:03:23,383 --> 00:03:24,519 Because it's not funny. 75 00:03:24,553 --> 00:03:25,788 More like a location. 76 00:03:25,822 --> 00:03:27,224 Suck each other's dicks 77 00:03:27,257 --> 00:03:28,561 in outer space! 78 00:03:28,594 --> 00:03:29,863 You know, I really thought 79 00:03:29,896 --> 00:03:31,934 that Laszlo showcasing his new songs 80 00:03:31,967 --> 00:03:33,403 would be a big hit. 81 00:03:33,436 --> 00:03:37,679 Is my song too complex? 82 00:03:37,712 --> 00:03:40,918 Why you looking perplexed? 83 00:03:40,952 --> 00:03:44,325 My intelligence is a ten 84 00:03:44,358 --> 00:03:48,667 Yours are three and fours 85 00:03:48,701 --> 00:03:49,836 It's not my fault 86 00:03:49,870 --> 00:03:53,009 Stupid motherfuckers, it's yours 87 00:03:53,042 --> 00:03:54,613 - Come on, join in, you stupid... - Fuck off, Laszlo! 88 00:03:54,646 --> 00:03:56,349 It's not my... 89 00:03:56,382 --> 00:03:57,986 But we're still making a little bit of income. 90 00:03:58,019 --> 00:03:59,790 Yes, a little trickle. 91 00:03:59,823 --> 00:04:01,426 It's not my fault 92 00:04:01,459 --> 00:04:03,396 You thick pieces of shit 93 00:04:03,430 --> 00:04:05,735 It's yours 94 00:04:05,768 --> 00:04:07,505 - It's not my fault - But we're really scraping 95 00:04:07,539 --> 00:04:08,941 - the bottom... - Shh. 96 00:04:08,974 --> 00:04:10,711 Of the old desperate barrel at this point. 97 00:04:10,745 --> 00:04:12,782 A lot of bachelorette parties. 98 00:04:15,086 --> 00:04:16,657 And then we worked so hard 99 00:04:16,690 --> 00:04:17,892 on the haunted house. 100 00:04:17,926 --> 00:04:19,462 Seemed like a slam dunk. 101 00:04:23,002 --> 00:04:26,442 It's like, did they just order the costumes off of Amazon? 102 00:04:26,476 --> 00:04:28,379 Yeah, let's get out of here. 103 00:04:28,413 --> 00:04:31,352 Children's birthday parties are now, unfortunately, 104 00:04:31,385 --> 00:04:32,755 our biggest draw. 105 00:04:32,789 --> 00:04:34,559 Oh, no, no! Not on the stairs! 106 00:04:34,593 --> 00:04:36,295 Upstairs out-of-bounds! 107 00:04:36,329 --> 00:04:37,397 I got you! 108 00:04:37,431 --> 00:04:38,399 This one! 109 00:04:38,433 --> 00:04:39,736 He keeps cheating me! 110 00:04:41,105 --> 00:04:43,343 It's just a phase. He'll grow out of it. 111 00:04:43,376 --> 00:04:44,679 Well, at the rate he's growing, 112 00:04:44,713 --> 00:04:46,415 he should have grown out of it already. 113 00:04:46,449 --> 00:04:48,821 Well, at least he's not a boring energy vampire. 114 00:04:48,854 --> 00:04:52,027 I'd rather he was boring than this insolent monster. 115 00:04:52,060 --> 00:04:53,129 With respect, 116 00:04:53,163 --> 00:04:55,935 the trouble is that neither of you know how to speak 117 00:04:55,968 --> 00:04:58,541 to the younger generation in their own language. 118 00:04:58,574 --> 00:04:59,676 What, and you do? 119 00:04:59,709 --> 00:05:01,479 Some of my finest soldiers 120 00:05:01,513 --> 00:05:02,715 were just teenagers. 121 00:05:02,749 --> 00:05:04,619 It was essential to communicate 122 00:05:04,653 --> 00:05:06,590 with them in their own lingo... 123 00:05:06,623 --> 00:05:08,527 Or gutter patois, if you will... 124 00:05:08,561 --> 00:05:10,932 To inspire and motivate them 125 00:05:10,965 --> 00:05:12,535 onto the battlefield 126 00:05:12,569 --> 00:05:14,806 because we'd usually put the youngsters at the front. 127 00:05:14,840 --> 00:05:16,409 And they would instantly 128 00:05:16,442 --> 00:05:18,614 be mowed down by the attacking army. 129 00:05:18,647 --> 00:05:20,116 So they were always a little 130 00:05:20,150 --> 00:05:21,954 reluctant to stand there. 131 00:05:21,987 --> 00:05:25,026 You know what? I will fix. 132 00:05:26,028 --> 00:05:27,464 We're fucked. 133 00:05:29,001 --> 00:05:30,771 Watch and learn. 134 00:05:34,513 --> 00:05:36,683 Very cool tunes. 135 00:05:36,717 --> 00:05:39,355 I, too, get off on rocking out 136 00:05:39,388 --> 00:05:40,825 to cool tunes like these. 137 00:05:40,858 --> 00:05:43,531 But you know, 138 00:05:43,564 --> 00:05:45,433 there's more to life than just... 139 00:05:50,578 --> 00:05:52,114 - Dude. - But you know, 140 00:05:52,147 --> 00:05:53,684 there's more to life than just 141 00:05:53,717 --> 00:05:55,755 rocking out to cool tunes. 142 00:05:55,788 --> 00:05:57,424 - Like what? - Ah, 143 00:05:57,457 --> 00:05:59,428 you're probably too young to grok 144 00:05:59,461 --> 00:06:01,633 what I'm trying to lay down. 145 00:06:01,667 --> 00:06:03,537 One of the all-time 146 00:06:03,571 --> 00:06:06,777 coolest ways of rocking out is to be nice and polite 147 00:06:06,810 --> 00:06:10,083 to your housemates and to your elders. 148 00:06:10,116 --> 00:06:11,920 Wow. R-Really? 149 00:06:11,954 --> 00:06:14,526 A-A-And you think this could work for me? 150 00:06:14,559 --> 00:06:16,997 I... I do. 151 00:06:17,030 --> 00:06:18,433 Thanks, man. 152 00:06:18,466 --> 00:06:20,638 Uh, thank you for blessing me 153 00:06:20,671 --> 00:06:22,542 with these pearls of wisdom. 154 00:06:22,575 --> 00:06:25,113 You are very welcome... 155 00:06:25,146 --> 00:06:26,449 man. 156 00:06:26,482 --> 00:06:27,986 You see? 157 00:06:28,019 --> 00:06:31,359 You just have to know how to speak their language. 158 00:06:36,435 --> 00:06:37,872 If anyone complains, that's when you can kill them. 159 00:06:37,906 --> 00:06:40,076 And I was wondering... Oh-oh, Mistress Nadja. 160 00:06:40,110 --> 00:06:42,180 - Oh. - May I introduce to you 161 00:06:42,214 --> 00:06:44,418 to Mr. Phineas Taylor Barnum? 162 00:06:44,451 --> 00:06:45,721 - Hmm. - Oh. 163 00:06:45,755 --> 00:06:47,424 Mr. Barnum was just giving me some great advice 164 00:06:47,457 --> 00:06:49,461 - about bringing in the crowds. - Mm-hmm. 165 00:06:49,496 --> 00:06:52,535 Mr. Barnum. Please, do give us just one moment. 166 00:06:52,568 --> 00:06:54,506 Okay, thank you. 167 00:06:54,539 --> 00:06:57,612 P.T. Barnum died over 150 years ago. 168 00:06:57,645 --> 00:06:59,849 - Is he a vampire? - Yeah, don't ask me to explain. 169 00:06:59,883 --> 00:07:01,620 Well, I feel like I must ask you to explain. 170 00:07:01,653 --> 00:07:03,657 - Ah, it's no big deal. - Well, I'm your boss, 171 00:07:03,691 --> 00:07:04,993 so do you want me to use my loud voice? 172 00:07:05,026 --> 00:07:06,763 - Hi, guys. - Oh, for... - Oh, hi. 173 00:07:06,797 --> 00:07:10,036 Uh, hey, uh, sorry, I-I feel like I'm interrupting. 174 00:07:10,070 --> 00:07:11,540 - You are. - Oh. 175 00:07:11,573 --> 00:07:12,775 I just wanted to give you 176 00:07:12,809 --> 00:07:14,879 this CD of some songs that I 177 00:07:14,913 --> 00:07:18,554 burned for you. I mean, I-I didn't burn it just for you, 178 00:07:18,587 --> 00:07:20,625 'cause that'd be creepy and pathetic. 179 00:07:20,658 --> 00:07:23,229 Well, I had an extra CD, I guess, and so... 180 00:07:23,262 --> 00:07:24,499 Thank you, Colin. 181 00:07:24,532 --> 00:07:26,202 I will definitely figure out 182 00:07:26,235 --> 00:07:28,540 how to listen to this. 183 00:07:28,574 --> 00:07:29,776 If you like the songs, 184 00:07:29,809 --> 00:07:32,548 maybe we could hang out sometime. 185 00:07:32,582 --> 00:07:35,253 And if you don't like the songs, I don't really give a shit. 186 00:07:35,286 --> 00:07:37,725 So, either way, it's, you know, whatever. 187 00:07:37,759 --> 00:07:39,963 All right, later. Bye. 188 00:07:40,931 --> 00:07:42,568 - Speak, bitch. - All right. 189 00:07:42,602 --> 00:07:45,073 But you mustn't breathe a word of this to anyone. 190 00:07:46,777 --> 00:07:49,616 Over the last few decades, I have come across 191 00:07:49,649 --> 00:07:51,620 some books in the Vampiric Council library 192 00:07:51,653 --> 00:07:53,957 that contain the most forbidden-est 193 00:07:53,991 --> 00:07:56,730 of secret knowledges, and I have learned 194 00:07:56,763 --> 00:07:59,268 the ancient art form of summoning the dead. 195 00:08:00,638 --> 00:08:03,142 But this is witchcraft. 196 00:08:03,176 --> 00:08:04,646 Cut that out. 197 00:08:04,679 --> 00:08:07,150 So you can bring any person back from the dead? 198 00:08:07,184 --> 00:08:09,522 Only the ones that I own the souls of. 199 00:08:09,556 --> 00:08:10,825 One moment. 200 00:08:10,858 --> 00:08:12,895 Mr. Barnum, right this way, please. 201 00:08:14,632 --> 00:08:16,570 May I present... 202 00:08:16,603 --> 00:08:18,507 the second finest collection 203 00:08:18,540 --> 00:08:21,212 of human dead souls in these United States. 204 00:08:21,245 --> 00:08:22,682 Wow. 205 00:08:22,715 --> 00:08:23,917 And who has the finest collection? 206 00:08:23,951 --> 00:08:25,888 Some rich computer guy. 207 00:08:25,921 --> 00:08:29,629 So, um, how do you turn these souls back into people? 208 00:08:29,662 --> 00:08:31,733 Now, sadly, 209 00:08:31,767 --> 00:08:34,672 once the souls are reanimated into human form, 210 00:08:34,706 --> 00:08:36,710 they only live for about 24 hours 211 00:08:36,743 --> 00:08:38,279 and then they dissolve back 212 00:08:38,312 --> 00:08:40,651 into the ingredients from whence they came. 213 00:08:40,684 --> 00:08:42,287 - Oh. Ooh. - Okay, hand me the soul. 214 00:08:42,320 --> 00:08:45,761 Okay. Thank you. And in it goes. 215 00:08:47,330 --> 00:08:48,634 Oh, it stinks. 216 00:08:48,667 --> 00:08:50,638 - That's life, baby. - Take it in. 217 00:08:50,671 --> 00:08:51,540 Hello? 218 00:08:53,711 --> 00:08:57,150 Ah! 219 00:08:57,184 --> 00:08:58,086 It worked. 220 00:08:58,119 --> 00:09:00,123 Scott Joplin, I presume? 221 00:09:00,156 --> 00:09:02,294 Happy to make your acquaintance, madam. 222 00:09:02,327 --> 00:09:04,566 - And yours. - Uh, and you as well, madam. 223 00:09:04,599 --> 00:09:07,204 Look, uh, we all make mistakes. 224 00:09:07,237 --> 00:09:08,574 It's no big deal. 225 00:09:08,607 --> 00:09:09,809 Well, it kind of is a big deal, Sean, 226 00:09:09,843 --> 00:09:11,112 'cause he stole your car. 227 00:09:11,145 --> 00:09:12,749 I was gonna bring it back. 228 00:09:12,782 --> 00:09:13,584 I beg your pardon? 229 00:09:13,617 --> 00:09:15,821 I said I was going to bring it back. 230 00:09:15,855 --> 00:09:17,658 Listen, he was just taking it 231 00:09:17,692 --> 00:09:18,794 for a little joyride. 232 00:09:18,827 --> 00:09:20,063 Colin, maybe you could help us 233 00:09:20,096 --> 00:09:21,566 understand what you were thinking. 234 00:09:21,600 --> 00:09:23,236 - I don't know. - Your behavior 235 00:09:23,269 --> 00:09:25,140 is nothing like the Colin we know. 236 00:09:25,173 --> 00:09:27,945 The Colin you know? You don't know me at all. 237 00:09:27,979 --> 00:09:31,152 I mean, you can't tell me who my parents are 238 00:09:31,185 --> 00:09:32,855 or where I came from 239 00:09:32,889 --> 00:09:35,260 or why I have these thoughts in my head 240 00:09:35,293 --> 00:09:36,930 about hammering holes 241 00:09:36,963 --> 00:09:39,001 - in the wall. - We don't know ourselves! 242 00:09:39,034 --> 00:09:40,871 You can't tell me why I grew 243 00:09:40,905 --> 00:09:43,911 a foot and a half overnight like a human radish. 244 00:09:43,944 --> 00:09:45,781 Listen, you ungrateful fuck, you're giving me the pip. 245 00:09:45,815 --> 00:09:47,217 - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. - We're doing our best here. 246 00:09:47,250 --> 00:09:48,987 Oh, well, that makes me feel so much better. 247 00:09:49,021 --> 00:09:50,290 - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. - Guys, guys, guys. 248 00:09:50,323 --> 00:09:51,358 All right, you cheeky fuck. 249 00:09:51,392 --> 00:09:52,360 Things are getting 250 00:09:52,394 --> 00:09:53,664 a little too heated in here. 251 00:09:53,697 --> 00:09:54,866 Yeah, 'cause he fucking started it. 252 00:09:54,899 --> 00:09:55,868 - He started it. - Okay, listen, 253 00:09:55,901 --> 00:09:57,337 my dad and I used to fight 254 00:09:57,370 --> 00:09:58,674 like this all the time! 255 00:09:58,707 --> 00:10:00,678 And nothing good came from it! 256 00:10:00,711 --> 00:10:02,882 - You understand me? - Yes. 257 00:10:02,915 --> 00:10:04,686 - Okay. - But my pops and I, 258 00:10:04,719 --> 00:10:07,357 we were able to figure out a way to settle our differences. 259 00:10:07,390 --> 00:10:10,698 And that's what we're gonna do right now. So, get up. 260 00:10:10,731 --> 00:10:11,766 - What? - Get up. 261 00:10:11,800 --> 00:10:13,102 Both of yo use. 262 00:10:13,136 --> 00:10:15,406 Let's do it. You can trust Seanie. 263 00:10:15,440 --> 00:10:16,776 All right, face each other. 264 00:10:16,810 --> 00:10:18,814 - We are. - Good. Make eye contact. 265 00:10:18,847 --> 00:10:21,753 Okay? Good enough. 266 00:10:21,786 --> 00:10:22,922 Now, I'm gonna count down from three. 267 00:10:22,955 --> 00:10:25,661 When I say go, start swinging. 268 00:10:25,694 --> 00:10:27,164 - Wait, what? - First one to tap out, 269 00:10:27,197 --> 00:10:28,867 other one's head of the household. 270 00:10:28,901 --> 00:10:30,704 - Three, two, one... - No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! 271 00:10:30,738 --> 00:10:32,809 - We're not doing that. - Come on! 272 00:10:32,842 --> 00:10:35,748 Wait, it-it's-it's all right. I feel better now. 273 00:10:35,781 --> 00:10:37,685 I'm sorry that I disappointed you. 274 00:10:37,718 --> 00:10:39,656 Mm. 275 00:10:39,689 --> 00:10:40,958 There's got to be a "but." 276 00:10:40,991 --> 00:10:43,864 No, no "buts." Mr. Rinaldi, maybe we can 277 00:10:43,897 --> 00:10:45,868 go find a tow truck and get your 278 00:10:45,901 --> 00:10:47,839 - car out of Richmond Creek. - Good man. 279 00:10:47,872 --> 00:10:50,811 Come on. I mean, I'd rather take the insurance, 280 00:10:50,845 --> 00:10:51,880 but... 281 00:10:53,817 --> 00:10:55,253 He's a lot calmer and more pleasant 282 00:10:55,286 --> 00:10:56,388 when he's made me angry. 283 00:10:56,422 --> 00:10:58,259 He's feeding on us. 284 00:10:58,292 --> 00:10:59,896 But not by boring us... 285 00:10:59,929 --> 00:11:02,000 but by infuriating us. 286 00:11:02,033 --> 00:11:03,904 - I think you might be right. - Colin Robinson 287 00:11:03,937 --> 00:11:06,676 is and will always be 288 00:11:06,710 --> 00:11:08,179 - an energy vampire. - Yeah. 289 00:11:08,212 --> 00:11:10,083 Which means I have to tell him. 290 00:11:10,116 --> 00:11:13,690 I have to tell him exactly what he is. 291 00:11:14,258 --> 00:11:17,430 Why didn't you tell me about this secret wisdom 292 00:11:17,464 --> 00:11:19,836 and this collection of souls? I can't believe it. 293 00:11:19,869 --> 00:11:21,706 Well, you don't seem very interested 294 00:11:21,740 --> 00:11:23,810 when I try to share things about my life. 295 00:11:23,844 --> 00:11:25,446 Hey, what about asking. 296 00:11:25,480 --> 00:11:28,319 Diamond Jim Brady for some tips about the crowds, huh? 297 00:11:28,352 --> 00:11:31,760 He was a noted gourmand and nightlife habitué. 298 00:11:31,793 --> 00:11:32,795 No. 299 00:11:32,828 --> 00:11:34,933 The reanimated humans themselves 300 00:11:34,966 --> 00:11:36,235 will be the show. 301 00:11:36,268 --> 00:11:38,306 Imagine the crowds we will get. 302 00:11:38,339 --> 00:11:41,278 The greatest minds in all of human history 303 00:11:41,312 --> 00:11:44,084 together onstage for one night only 304 00:11:44,117 --> 00:11:45,955 - at Nadja's. - Wow. 305 00:11:45,988 --> 00:11:48,727 I really should have thought of that. 306 00:11:48,760 --> 00:11:50,898 Yeah. It's actually very troubling that you didn't. 307 00:11:50,931 --> 00:11:53,269 Ah! 308 00:12:01,385 --> 00:12:04,726 So, it's not going so well. I told Nadja 309 00:12:04,759 --> 00:12:07,163 she might want to do some homework before the panel, 310 00:12:07,197 --> 00:12:09,502 but she said she just wanted to wing it. 311 00:12:15,948 --> 00:12:19,054 Wow. Food for thought, Mr. Tchaikovsky. 312 00:12:19,087 --> 00:12:21,960 Food for bloody thought. Now, um, 313 00:12:21,993 --> 00:12:23,797 Lady Murasaki Shikibu, 314 00:12:23,830 --> 00:12:26,468 some say your Tales of Genji 315 00:12:26,503 --> 00:12:29,909 created the literary form we now call the novel. 316 00:12:29,943 --> 00:12:32,213 So, I must ask you, 317 00:12:32,247 --> 00:12:34,852 where do you get your ideas from? 318 00:12:39,929 --> 00:12:41,499 Uh, Mr. Da Vinci, if you want 319 00:12:41,533 --> 00:12:43,169 to jump in anytime, just feel like a normal 320 00:12:43,202 --> 00:12:45,541 conversation, where we all cut in each other and... 321 00:12:48,880 --> 00:12:50,350 Too true. 322 00:12:50,383 --> 00:12:52,454 - An energy vampire? - Yeah. 323 00:12:52,487 --> 00:12:54,926 And so there's... 324 00:12:54,959 --> 00:12:58,065 like, nothing I can do to-to change it? 325 00:12:58,099 --> 00:13:00,169 No. I'm afraid not, my boy. 326 00:13:00,203 --> 00:13:02,140 You see, it's genetics. It's beyond our control. 327 00:13:02,173 --> 00:13:04,011 If I'd have been told when I was your age 328 00:13:04,044 --> 00:13:06,048 that I'd be burdened with rugged good looks, 329 00:13:06,081 --> 00:13:08,352 a rapier wit, and a thick cock, 330 00:13:08,386 --> 00:13:11,860 I, too, would have protested, but, uh, them's the breaks. 331 00:13:11,893 --> 00:13:14,499 Just... an energy vampire, 332 00:13:14,532 --> 00:13:16,435 it just, it sounds so awful. 333 00:13:16,468 --> 00:13:18,205 Yeah, it's not great. 334 00:13:19,474 --> 00:13:22,013 Well, why didn't you do something? 335 00:13:22,047 --> 00:13:24,084 You should have ought to done something about it 336 00:13:24,117 --> 00:13:25,521 instead of just sitting here. 337 00:13:25,554 --> 00:13:28,593 You know the saying, "Man makes plans and... 338 00:13:28,627 --> 00:13:30,430 hmm, laughs." 339 00:13:30,463 --> 00:13:31,265 Who, God? 340 00:13:31,298 --> 00:13:33,202 Now you're blaming God? 341 00:13:33,235 --> 00:13:35,373 Who next, Baby Jesus?! 342 00:13:35,406 --> 00:13:38,012 I hate you! 343 00:13:38,045 --> 00:13:40,283 Shit, that's painful. 344 00:13:40,316 --> 00:13:43,322 I'm doing fine, I guess. 345 00:13:43,356 --> 00:13:44,859 You know, with Nandor's wife Marwa gone 346 00:13:44,892 --> 00:13:46,596 and Colin basically all grown up, 347 00:13:46,629 --> 00:13:49,267 I feel like there's not much for me to do around here. 348 00:13:51,205 --> 00:13:52,842 So, I guess this is what it feels like 349 00:13:52,875 --> 00:13:54,311 to be an empty nester. 350 00:13:54,344 --> 00:13:56,549 I never thought I'd get bored of this job 351 00:13:56,583 --> 00:13:57,685 'cause there's always 352 00:13:57,718 --> 00:14:00,356 something to do, but nothing ever changes, 353 00:14:00,390 --> 00:14:02,027 even in my personal life. 354 00:14:02,060 --> 00:14:03,262 I found my first boyfriend, and he... 355 00:14:03,295 --> 00:14:05,299 left me for himself. 356 00:14:05,333 --> 00:14:08,573 It's back to where it all started and the same 357 00:14:08,607 --> 00:14:10,176 day in, day out. 358 00:14:10,209 --> 00:14:12,180 It's like hamsters in those wheels. 359 00:14:12,213 --> 00:14:13,917 I'm a hamster in a... 360 00:14:13,950 --> 00:14:16,956 wheel. 361 00:14:25,139 --> 00:14:28,212 Knock, knock. Seeing if you need anything. 362 00:14:28,245 --> 00:14:30,984 No. All good. Thanks. 363 00:14:31,018 --> 00:14:32,053 You're kind of quiet lately. 364 00:14:32,087 --> 00:14:34,992 Are you sad because Marwa's gone? 365 00:14:35,026 --> 00:14:37,230 There's nothing like the end of a relationship 366 00:14:37,263 --> 00:14:40,036 to really make one appreciate being alone. 367 00:14:40,069 --> 00:14:41,573 So that's it? 368 00:14:41,606 --> 00:14:43,510 - That is what? - It was so important 369 00:14:43,543 --> 00:14:44,946 for you to find a wife 370 00:14:44,979 --> 00:14:45,948 and have a huge wedding, 371 00:14:45,981 --> 00:14:49,054 and now that's all gone, and you're just fine? 372 00:14:49,087 --> 00:14:50,490 Pretty much, yeah. 373 00:14:50,524 --> 00:14:53,563 Don't you feel like nothing ever changes around here? 374 00:14:53,597 --> 00:14:56,068 Like, every day just leads to the next 375 00:14:56,101 --> 00:14:57,538 and then the next, and before you know it, 376 00:14:57,571 --> 00:15:00,076 years go by? 377 00:15:00,109 --> 00:15:03,048 Yes. Isn't it wonderful? 378 00:15:03,082 --> 00:15:04,317 Okay. 379 00:15:05,721 --> 00:15:07,123 So then what's next? 380 00:15:07,157 --> 00:15:08,493 As you may have noticed, 381 00:15:08,527 --> 00:15:11,098 I've really got back into reading books, 382 00:15:11,131 --> 00:15:12,167 so I think 383 00:15:12,200 --> 00:15:14,271 I'm just gonna do this for a while. 384 00:15:14,304 --> 00:15:15,974 - Oh, for how long? - Not long. 385 00:15:16,008 --> 00:15:18,279 15 years, maybe 20. 386 00:15:40,223 --> 00:15:42,026 As I once said, 387 00:15:42,060 --> 00:15:44,297 you can only win over the opponent... 388 00:15:44,331 --> 00:15:46,235 We figured out, we don't need to do these 389 00:15:46,268 --> 00:15:47,738 in front of a live audience. 390 00:15:47,771 --> 00:15:50,276 We can reach a bigger group of people by simply 391 00:15:50,309 --> 00:15:52,982 recording it and then broadcasting it electronically. 392 00:15:53,015 --> 00:15:54,585 Hello, and welcome to. 393 00:15:54,619 --> 00:15:56,689 Talk History with Nadja of Antipaxos. 394 00:15:56,723 --> 00:15:58,225 On tonight's episode... 395 00:15:58,259 --> 00:16:01,098 Then we can make money by selling advertising on it. 396 00:16:01,131 --> 00:16:04,672 Hatred is the subtlest form of... 397 00:16:04,705 --> 00:16:06,475 If I could just, uh, quickly interrupt for a moment. 398 00:16:06,509 --> 00:16:08,179 Would you be so kind as to read off 399 00:16:08,212 --> 00:16:10,149 - this card, Mr. Gandhi? - Mm. 400 00:16:10,183 --> 00:16:12,588 "Pan-seared steaks 401 00:16:12,621 --> 00:16:14,391 "with hot honey biscuits. 402 00:16:14,424 --> 00:16:17,698 "Cheesy pork chorizo enchiladas. 403 00:16:17,731 --> 00:16:21,004 "And those are just two of the signature dishes 404 00:16:21,038 --> 00:16:22,240 - "coming from..." - Mmm, mmm. 405 00:16:22,273 --> 00:16:24,177 "Blue Apron this month." 406 00:16:24,211 --> 00:16:26,649 Yum, yum, yum. But tell me, Mahatma, 407 00:16:26,683 --> 00:16:28,052 when was the first time 408 00:16:28,085 --> 00:16:29,789 you tried Blue Apron? 409 00:16:31,124 --> 00:16:32,360 Fuck it. Give it here. I'll read it. 410 00:16:32,393 --> 00:16:34,064 Oh, no, no, no, sorry, Mr. Hemingway. 411 00:16:34,097 --> 00:16:35,501 I-I wanted you to do 412 00:16:35,534 --> 00:16:37,505 the Casper mattresses one before the next break. 413 00:16:42,648 --> 00:16:44,484 So, the money from our sponsorships 414 00:16:44,519 --> 00:16:47,156 was dependent on total listeners. We made Guillermo 415 00:16:47,190 --> 00:16:50,429 listen 11 times and made 0.6 cents. 416 00:16:51,164 --> 00:16:54,104 All that witchcraft for nothing. 417 00:16:54,137 --> 00:16:56,074 Turns out the world just isn't ready 418 00:16:56,108 --> 00:16:58,112 for electronic audio stories. 419 00:16:58,145 --> 00:16:59,381 It also has no use 420 00:16:59,414 --> 00:17:01,084 for a vampire nightclub. 421 00:17:02,120 --> 00:17:03,523 Enough is enough. 422 00:17:03,557 --> 00:17:05,359 I told The Guide to go and sleep at my house 423 00:17:05,393 --> 00:17:07,330 for a girls night, and she obviously 424 00:17:07,363 --> 00:17:09,769 jumped far too enthusiastically at that chance. 425 00:17:09,802 --> 00:17:12,040 Ciao. Au revoir. 426 00:17:12,073 --> 00:17:14,277 I told the wraiths that they've been working too hard, 427 00:17:14,311 --> 00:17:15,681 so they should go on vacation. 428 00:17:15,714 --> 00:17:17,651 Send me a postcard. See you when you're back. 429 00:17:17,685 --> 00:17:20,489 Desperate times call for desperate measures. 430 00:17:22,427 --> 00:17:24,164 You guys should probably get out of here. 431 00:17:24,197 --> 00:17:26,569 It's over. 432 00:17:30,209 --> 00:17:33,349 - I said get out. - Fuck off. 433 00:18:38,278 --> 00:18:40,416 Move. 434 00:20:03,950 --> 00:20:06,321 This is all my fault. If I had not accepted 435 00:20:06,354 --> 00:20:08,225 your kind invitation last night... 436 00:20:08,258 --> 00:20:09,695 - Thank you again, by the way... - Mm-hmm. 437 00:20:09,729 --> 00:20:11,331 I would have been here, and I could have 438 00:20:11,364 --> 00:20:12,835 - kept this from happening. - Listen, 439 00:20:12,868 --> 00:20:15,239 we can't be everywhere all the time, can we? 440 00:20:15,272 --> 00:20:17,376 No, but we did get lucky. 441 00:20:17,410 --> 00:20:20,449 Nothing actually got burned. Phew. 442 00:20:20,483 --> 00:20:22,253 Nothing got burned? 443 00:20:22,286 --> 00:20:23,422 The blood sprinklers went off 444 00:20:23,455 --> 00:20:25,259 and extinguished the fire before it could 445 00:20:25,292 --> 00:20:26,428 really get going. 446 00:20:26,461 --> 00:20:27,831 - The blood sprinklers? - Yes. 447 00:20:27,865 --> 00:20:30,771 The blood sprinklers that have never worked 448 00:20:30,804 --> 00:20:33,543 any of the times we have tried to make them work? 449 00:20:33,576 --> 00:20:37,450 This is making me very hungry. 450 00:20:38,787 --> 00:20:41,391 So, your office 451 00:20:41,425 --> 00:20:42,961 is the only room that got burned 452 00:20:42,995 --> 00:20:44,999 because there are no blood sprinklers in it. 453 00:20:45,032 --> 00:20:45,901 Yes. 454 00:20:45,934 --> 00:20:49,775 I am so upset right now. 455 00:20:49,809 --> 00:20:51,378 So, I was just wondering, um, 456 00:20:51,411 --> 00:20:52,681 how much money can we get for this? 457 00:20:52,714 --> 00:20:54,417 Depends what kind of insurance you have. 458 00:20:54,451 --> 00:20:56,823 What is "insur-suriance," 459 00:20:56,856 --> 00:20:58,459 and, uh, where can we get some? 460 00:20:58,493 --> 00:21:01,599 Uh, probably a little late for that at this point. 461 00:21:01,632 --> 00:21:03,035 You said you had a floor plan 462 00:21:03,068 --> 00:21:05,039 - I can take a look at? - Yes, right this way. 463 00:21:05,072 --> 00:21:06,876 Shit. 464 00:21:11,418 --> 00:21:14,859 I haven't been making the best decisions recently, 465 00:21:14,892 --> 00:21:18,867 thanks to all the delicious liquor blood I've been drinking. 466 00:21:22,541 --> 00:21:26,314 My money. 467 00:21:26,348 --> 00:21:30,389 She was so fresh and green, 468 00:21:30,422 --> 00:21:33,863 and now the faces are all burnt! 469 00:22:06,796 --> 00:22:08,566 No. The way it works 470 00:22:08,600 --> 00:22:10,504 is, you buy the insurance 471 00:22:10,537 --> 00:22:12,406 before something bad happens, 472 00:22:12,440 --> 00:22:13,776 - and then... - No, I think, my friend, 473 00:22:13,810 --> 00:22:15,981 you buy. And did you buy? No. 474 00:22:16,014 --> 00:22:18,385 How much money could we get 475 00:22:18,418 --> 00:22:19,788 if we set him on fire? 476 00:22:19,822 --> 00:22:21,526 Hey, hey. What's up? 477 00:22:21,559 --> 00:22:23,061 How's it hanging? 478 00:22:23,095 --> 00:22:24,832 L-O-L. R-O-F-L. 479 00:22:24,865 --> 00:22:27,938 Y-O-L-O. O-M-G. W-T-F. 480 00:22:27,971 --> 00:22:31,812 All those acronyms, I love them. 481 00:22:32,981 --> 00:22:35,152 Colin Robinson? 482 00:22:35,185 --> 00:22:36,689 Is it really you? 483 00:22:36,722 --> 00:22:38,125 Well, it's not Don Knotts. 484 00:22:38,158 --> 00:22:40,931 - But how the shit have you...? - Oh, well, 485 00:22:40,964 --> 00:22:44,738 the great thing about keeping a detailed diary is, 486 00:22:44,772 --> 00:22:48,145 if you ever forget anything about your life, 487 00:22:48,178 --> 00:22:51,586 you can look it up. It's also great 488 00:22:51,619 --> 00:22:54,090 for receipts. Now, a lot of people 489 00:22:54,123 --> 00:22:56,696 keep receipts, but they forget to write down 490 00:22:56,729 --> 00:22:58,499 what they were for, which causes 491 00:22:58,533 --> 00:23:00,704 a major headache come tax time. 492 00:23:00,737 --> 00:23:03,509 Whether you hire an accountant or 493 00:23:03,543 --> 00:23:05,179 you do it online by yourself, 494 00:23:05,212 --> 00:23:06,716 you're gonna miss some deductions 495 00:23:06,749 --> 00:23:09,153 because you won't be able to reference 496 00:23:09,187 --> 00:23:11,592 what they were when Johnny Taxman 497 00:23:11,626 --> 00:23:13,161 - comes and... - Colin Robinson, tell me something, 498 00:23:13,195 --> 00:23:16,434 a while ago, we went to a lads night at Sean's house, 499 00:23:16,468 --> 00:23:18,506 and as we entered his premises, 500 00:23:18,539 --> 00:23:20,142 you used some ridiculous childish voice. 501 00:23:20,175 --> 00:23:22,848 Meesa Jar Jar Binks. 502 00:23:22,881 --> 00:23:24,718 - It's him. - Ah. Well, 503 00:23:24,752 --> 00:23:27,724 welcome back, original Colin Robinson. Now, 504 00:23:27,758 --> 00:23:29,728 how much money do we have in our bank account? 505 00:23:29,762 --> 00:23:33,870 Uh, around $655,415 506 00:23:33,903 --> 00:23:34,872 and change. 507 00:23:34,905 --> 00:23:36,509 Oh, yes, very nice. 508 00:23:36,542 --> 00:23:37,376 Now, I wanted to roll that 509 00:23:37,410 --> 00:23:38,813 into a Roth IRA, not to be confused... 510 00:23:38,846 --> 00:23:40,082 What's our bank account PIN code? 511 00:23:40,115 --> 00:23:43,021 Oh, our personal identification number 512 00:23:43,055 --> 00:23:45,025 is 420, 69, 24, 7. 513 00:23:45,059 --> 00:23:46,662 I'll call the contractors in the morning. 514 00:23:46,696 --> 00:23:49,935 Actually, if it's to fix up this shithole, 515 00:23:49,969 --> 00:23:50,637 I'll do it. 516 00:23:50,670 --> 00:23:52,507 If there's anything I enjoy more 517 00:23:52,541 --> 00:23:53,776 than managing a project, 518 00:23:53,810 --> 00:23:55,680 it's micromanaging a project. 519 00:23:55,714 --> 00:23:59,153 And, so, after you replace these pipes, 520 00:23:59,187 --> 00:24:01,091 - we're gonna want to put in... - New Sheetrock and... 521 00:24:01,124 --> 00:24:03,028 Excuse me, if I may finish. 522 00:24:03,061 --> 00:24:05,500 We're gonna want to put on half-inch. 523 00:24:05,533 --> 00:24:07,169 VOC-absorbing drywall, 524 00:24:07,203 --> 00:24:10,543 not Sheetrock, as you mistakenly said. 525 00:24:10,577 --> 00:24:13,115 Uh, Laszlo, what do you want to do with this race car bed? 526 00:24:13,148 --> 00:24:15,185 Do you want to keep it, or can we get rid of it? 527 00:24:15,219 --> 00:24:17,256 Well... 528 00:24:17,289 --> 00:24:18,960 that's your bed. 529 00:24:18,993 --> 00:24:20,162 Well, it was. 530 00:24:20,195 --> 00:24:21,932 I-I-I've never seen this bed in my life. 531 00:24:21,966 --> 00:24:24,070 All right, well, shit can the bed. 532 00:24:24,103 --> 00:24:25,507 Now let's head downstairs. 533 00:24:25,540 --> 00:24:27,778 I want to give you guys a couple quick tips 534 00:24:27,811 --> 00:24:31,184 on how to remove old Formica tiling. 535 00:24:31,217 --> 00:24:32,219 The asbestos 536 00:24:32,253 --> 00:24:33,690 in the adhesive 537 00:24:33,723 --> 00:24:35,059 - can become quite a... - Colin? 538 00:24:35,092 --> 00:24:37,129 - Yeah. - So, you really don't remember 539 00:24:37,163 --> 00:24:39,535 anything from the last year? 540 00:24:39,568 --> 00:24:41,071 Uh, no. Not really. 541 00:24:41,104 --> 00:24:43,676 I-I remember it was my 100th birthday party, 542 00:24:43,710 --> 00:24:45,245 and I had a bit of, uh, tummy trouble... 543 00:24:45,279 --> 00:24:47,617 - Right. - And the next thing I remember is, 544 00:24:47,651 --> 00:24:50,255 I'm reading my diaries, and, yeah, 545 00:24:50,289 --> 00:24:51,424 everything in between's a blank. 546 00:24:51,458 --> 00:24:54,999 You don't remember me bringing you up from a small baby? 547 00:24:55,032 --> 00:24:57,537 No. No, not at all. 548 00:24:57,571 --> 00:24:59,073 Do you remember, um, 549 00:24:59,107 --> 00:25:01,211 me playing the piano and you singing and dancing? 550 00:25:01,244 --> 00:25:04,117 And then sometimes we'd jump over the fence at the zoo 551 00:25:04,150 --> 00:25:06,154 in the middle of the night to look at the baby rhinos? 552 00:25:06,187 --> 00:25:08,993 Yeah, no. Doesn't ring a single bell. 553 00:25:09,027 --> 00:25:10,262 - Are you okay? - Yeah, yeah. 554 00:25:10,295 --> 00:25:11,732 - You sure? - Yeah. 555 00:25:11,766 --> 00:25:13,603 Do-do you smell toast or anything? 556 00:25:13,636 --> 00:25:15,607 - I'm-I'm good. - All right. 557 00:25:32,306 --> 00:25:34,578 Nothing ever changes in this house. 558 00:25:34,611 --> 00:25:36,582 Nothing is ever going to change, 559 00:25:36,615 --> 00:25:37,851 unless I change it. 560 00:25:37,884 --> 00:25:39,855 So, that's it for me. 561 00:25:39,888 --> 00:25:42,026 Oh, and you guys can use my room for storage if you want. 562 00:25:42,059 --> 00:25:43,328 I won't need it. 563 00:25:50,042 --> 00:25:51,612 Derek? 564 00:25:51,645 --> 00:25:52,848 Yeah, in the back. 565 00:25:53,649 --> 00:25:54,785 Derek. 566 00:25:54,818 --> 00:25:56,287 Yeah, back here. 567 00:25:56,321 --> 00:25:59,661 I just got to finish this account. 24 times 18. 568 00:25:59,695 --> 00:26:02,166 Okay. What is so urgent? 569 00:26:02,199 --> 00:26:04,337 Well, Derek... 570 00:26:04,370 --> 00:26:06,307 this... 571 00:26:06,341 --> 00:26:07,611 is for you. 572 00:26:07,644 --> 00:26:09,648 Whoa. 573 00:26:09,681 --> 00:26:12,621 - What did I do to deserve this? - Nothing. 574 00:26:12,654 --> 00:26:14,223 It's what you're about to do. 575 00:26:14,257 --> 00:26:15,627 Which is...? 576 00:26:15,660 --> 00:26:18,666 You're gonna make me a vampire. 577 00:27:00,249 --> 00:27:13,108 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org