1 00:00:04,700 --> 00:00:06,180 Fosse/Verdon. 2 00:00:08,310 --> 00:00:11,010 All new, Tuesdays at 10:00 on FX. 3 00:00:12,140 --> 00:00:15,230 ANNOUNCER: FX presents What We Do in the Shadows. 4 00:00:21,800 --> 00:00:23,320 He was a real spurter. 5 00:00:23,370 --> 00:00:24,890 Yeah, must have had high blood pressure. 6 00:00:24,930 --> 00:00:26,150 Should probably see a physician. 7 00:00:26,200 --> 00:00:27,410 Well, he definitely should now. 8 00:00:28,810 --> 00:00:30,110 Oh, Laszlo, I feel wild. 9 00:00:30,160 --> 00:00:32,550 I want to do something stupid and crazy. 10 00:00:32,590 --> 00:00:35,330 All right. What say we retire to our bedchamber 11 00:00:35,380 --> 00:00:38,340 and slip into some informal evening wear? 12 00:00:38,380 --> 00:00:40,910 And by that, I mean the nude. 13 00:00:40,950 --> 00:00:44,300 Oh, Laszlo. 14 00:00:44,340 --> 00:00:46,300 Laszlo? 15 00:00:46,350 --> 00:00:48,130 Shh. Look. 16 00:00:49,390 --> 00:00:51,000 That's our new neighbor, Phil. 17 00:00:51,050 --> 00:00:54,010 Digestif, my darkest princess? 18 00:00:54,050 --> 00:00:56,360 Laszlo, we've just eaten. 19 00:00:56,400 --> 00:00:57,790 I want to do something different. 20 00:00:59,400 --> 00:01:01,360 Well, why don't I eat and you watch? 21 00:01:01,400 --> 00:01:02,450 That's kinky. 22 00:01:02,490 --> 00:01:04,150 Is it? 23 00:01:04,190 --> 00:01:06,670 Bickering like a couple of ninnies. 24 00:01:06,710 --> 00:01:09,330 I know, right? It's like, "Sheesh. We get it. 25 00:01:09,370 --> 00:01:10,890 You've been together for centuries." 26 00:01:10,940 --> 00:01:12,980 Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. 27 00:01:13,020 --> 00:01:14,810 Those are vampires. 28 00:01:14,850 --> 00:01:16,330 You don't get to insult them. 29 00:01:16,380 --> 00:01:18,250 -I was just... -You're not a vampire. 30 00:01:18,290 --> 00:01:19,550 -I'm sorry, Master. -Geez. 31 00:01:19,600 --> 00:01:21,120 I mean, come on, we get it already. 32 00:01:21,160 --> 00:01:23,300 You've been married for centuries. 33 00:01:23,340 --> 00:01:25,690 Watch this. 34 00:01:25,730 --> 00:01:27,260 Bat. 35 00:01:31,650 --> 00:01:34,570 Just get on with it, Laszlo. 36 00:01:37,310 --> 00:01:39,270 Come to me, Phil. 37 00:01:39,310 --> 00:01:42,050 Submit to my dark power. 38 00:01:42,100 --> 00:01:45,270 Submit to my dark power. 39 00:01:45,320 --> 00:01:47,360 When was the last time I felt his dark power? 40 00:01:47,410 --> 00:01:49,840 I say come to me, Phil. 41 00:01:49,890 --> 00:01:53,410 -I'm not staying for this. You're being very boring. -Submit to my dark power. 42 00:01:54,890 --> 00:01:56,810 -WOMAN: Phil? I'm home. 43 00:01:56,850 --> 00:01:58,810 -Phil? Who are you talking to? -LASZLO: Shit. Bat! 44 00:02:07,470 --> 00:02:08,860 -Oh! -NANDOR: Oh, shit. 45 00:02:08,910 --> 00:02:10,170 GUILLERMO: The fuck? 46 00:02:10,210 --> 00:02:11,390 BOTH: Ooh... 47 00:02:13,690 --> 00:02:16,260 ♪ Don't sing if you want to live long♪ 48 00:02:16,310 --> 00:02:18,660 ♪ They have no use for your song♪ 49 00:02:18,700 --> 00:02:21,180 ♪ You're dead, you're dead, you're dead♪ 50 00:02:21,220 --> 00:02:23,700 ♪ You're dead and out of this world♪ 51 00:02:25,710 --> 00:02:28,840 ♪ Now your hope and compassion is gone♪ 52 00:02:28,880 --> 00:02:31,450 ♪ You sold out your dream to the world♪ 53 00:02:31,490 --> 00:02:33,970 ♪ Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead♪ 54 00:02:34,020 --> 00:02:36,540 ♪ You're dead and out of this world.♪ 55 00:02:45,460 --> 00:02:47,680 -Come on. -COLIN: What's going on? 56 00:02:47,730 --> 00:02:50,210 -NANDOR: Laszlo was over at Phil's house. -COLIN: Okay. 57 00:02:50,250 --> 00:02:52,430 NANDOR: And Phil's girlfriend hit him over the head 58 00:02:52,470 --> 00:02:53,990 -and knocked him unconscious. -COLIN: Okay. 59 00:02:54,040 --> 00:02:55,690 NANDOR: So now we need to rescue him. 60 00:02:55,740 --> 00:02:57,000 COLIN: Well, where's Nadja, though? 61 00:02:57,040 --> 00:02:59,260 NANDOR: I don't know. 62 00:02:59,300 --> 00:03:03,350 NADJA: Obviously, being in a marriage for centuries can get boring. 63 00:03:03,400 --> 00:03:05,480 And it is in these moments of dissatisfaction 64 00:03:05,530 --> 00:03:10,270 that I think about my human ex-lover, Gregor. 65 00:03:10,320 --> 00:03:13,280 Oh, he is the most fantastic of men. 66 00:03:15,150 --> 00:03:17,100 If I did have to give one criticism, though, 67 00:03:17,150 --> 00:03:19,280 it would be that he did accidentally get 68 00:03:19,320 --> 00:03:21,280 his head cut off in every life he's had. 69 00:03:22,330 --> 00:03:25,720 Such short, sweet lives. 70 00:03:25,770 --> 00:03:28,200 Shit. Shit, shit. 71 00:03:32,290 --> 00:03:33,860 No, no, no, no, no, no. 72 00:03:36,780 --> 00:03:38,260 AUTOMATED VOICE: Please take the ticket. 73 00:03:38,300 --> 00:03:40,950 Holy shit. Wow. 74 00:03:41,000 --> 00:03:42,520 NADJA: He has been reincarnated again. 75 00:03:42,570 --> 00:03:45,390 And in this life, he is called Jep... 76 00:03:45,440 --> 00:03:47,400 Jean. Jange. 77 00:03:47,440 --> 00:03:51,750 Uh, no, it's, um, Jex. 78 00:03:51,790 --> 00:03:54,270 Jesh. Jenk? 79 00:03:54,320 --> 00:03:57,450 It-it sounds like Jesh. 80 00:03:57,490 --> 00:03:59,670 But, no doubt, he has been reborn 81 00:03:59,710 --> 00:04:01,540 as another heroic figure. 82 00:04:01,580 --> 00:04:03,110 Hey, hey, hey! No, no, no! 83 00:04:03,150 --> 00:04:04,630 I told you guys, okay, you're not supposed 84 00:04:04,670 --> 00:04:06,760 to come in here unless you have a car, all right? 85 00:04:06,810 --> 00:04:08,420 And, uh, those don't look like cars, so... 86 00:04:08,460 --> 00:04:10,640 You're not a cop, man. -I'm not a... 87 00:04:10,680 --> 00:04:13,510 -You can't tell us what to do. -All right, I'm taking your name down. 88 00:04:13,550 --> 00:04:14,730 I'm taking your name down. Hey. 89 00:04:14,770 --> 00:04:16,510 In the camouflage. I can still see you. 90 00:04:16,560 --> 00:04:18,510 NANDOR: All right, 91 00:04:18,560 --> 00:04:21,650 one of us needs to be invited inand get Laszlo. 92 00:04:21,690 --> 00:04:23,430 I am nominating Guillermo, 93 00:04:23,480 --> 00:04:25,300 because I am too foreign and you are too boring. 94 00:04:25,350 --> 00:04:27,390 Well, Guillermo doesn't need to be invited, 95 00:04:27,440 --> 00:04:29,180 as he's a human being. 96 00:04:29,220 --> 00:04:31,660 I would prefer to be invited in.It's more polite. 97 00:04:31,700 --> 00:04:34,230 Actually, it looks like it's a moot point. 98 00:04:37,450 --> 00:04:39,930 They've stolen Laszlo. 99 00:04:46,060 --> 00:04:48,070 I'm not approaching him. Just going to watch. 100 00:05:00,380 --> 00:05:04,390 Gregor. Gregor. 101 00:05:04,430 --> 00:05:07,910 He's not answering, 'cause that-that is not his name. 102 00:05:07,950 --> 00:05:10,130 Jesk. 103 00:05:11,440 --> 00:05:13,610 Hey. Wow. 104 00:05:13,660 --> 00:05:16,570 What a wonderful shock it is to see you here. 105 00:05:16,620 --> 00:05:18,570 -Yes. -Do you think maybe 106 00:05:18,620 --> 00:05:21,490 you could let me into your shelter of automobiles? 107 00:05:21,530 --> 00:05:23,060 What? 108 00:05:23,100 --> 00:05:25,970 Oh, uh, yeah. Come on in, of course. Yeah. 109 00:05:27,410 --> 00:05:29,240 Well, how have you been? I-I didn't think 110 00:05:29,280 --> 00:05:30,500 I'd ever see you again. 111 00:05:30,540 --> 00:05:32,460 You will always see me again. 112 00:05:32,500 --> 00:05:35,630 Okay. Uh, this is where I work. 113 00:05:35,680 --> 00:05:38,380 Hence the... why I'm working here. 114 00:05:38,420 --> 00:05:39,600 -Amazing. -Yeah. 115 00:05:39,640 --> 00:05:41,990 You are protecting a vast empire. 116 00:05:42,030 --> 00:05:44,600 Three floors, yeah. 117 00:05:44,640 --> 00:05:46,600 Are the cameras with you? 118 00:05:46,650 --> 00:05:49,080 You don't see the cameras. 119 00:05:49,130 --> 00:05:52,650 Okay. Yeah. Come on in. 120 00:05:52,700 --> 00:05:56,660 Oh, we got your birds, your rats-- people hate rats. 121 00:05:56,700 --> 00:05:58,050 Then you got your skunks. 122 00:05:58,090 --> 00:05:59,830 We get a lot of calls for skunks. 123 00:05:59,880 --> 00:06:03,050 I have to get closer to see if he's in there. 124 00:06:06,100 --> 00:06:08,620 Sounds like an owl to me. 125 00:06:08,670 --> 00:06:10,760 So do you keep your horses on one of the levels? 126 00:06:10,800 --> 00:06:12,580 Uh, no. There was a Jaguar in here once. 127 00:06:12,630 --> 00:06:14,980 It's a pretty nice car.Just thought it was pretty cool. 128 00:06:15,020 --> 00:06:18,020 NADJA: I have met Gregor in many incarnations. 129 00:06:18,070 --> 00:06:21,810 Soldier, spy, wax seller, monger, 130 00:06:21,850 --> 00:06:26,340 carpet monger, suitcase monger, 131 00:06:26,380 --> 00:06:28,560 fishmonger, fly monger. 132 00:06:28,600 --> 00:06:30,560 He mongers a lot in his lives. 133 00:06:30,600 --> 00:06:33,650 Your job is so complicated, Gregor. 134 00:06:33,690 --> 00:06:35,480 -Oh... -So stimulating. 135 00:06:35,520 --> 00:06:37,480 -No. 136 00:06:37,520 --> 00:06:39,440 A-Again, you know, it, uh... it's "Jeff." 137 00:06:39,480 --> 00:06:40,700 Shh. 138 00:06:40,740 --> 00:06:42,880 I have crossed oceans of time to be with you. 139 00:06:44,700 --> 00:06:46,880 -I'm imagining swimming through time. -Yes... 140 00:06:46,920 --> 00:06:49,620 -But I have. -Oh, wow. 141 00:06:49,670 --> 00:06:52,020 Well, I'm gonna get off work here, in a second. 142 00:06:52,060 --> 00:06:55,580 I just got a little bit moreto do, if you want to hang out. 143 00:06:55,630 --> 00:06:58,890 Oh, it is forbidden, but ten, 15 minutes? 144 00:06:58,940 --> 00:07:00,720 -Yes, that's great. -I will see you then. 145 00:07:00,760 --> 00:07:02,850 -Okay, cool. 146 00:07:02,900 --> 00:07:06,160 NADJA: He's always got a very, very strong sexual energy 147 00:07:06,200 --> 00:07:09,510 that calls to my sexual energy. 148 00:07:09,550 --> 00:07:11,510 Deeply sexual. 149 00:07:11,560 --> 00:07:13,210 That's Gregor. 150 00:07:15,080 --> 00:07:17,610 So, our roommate, Laszlo, was knocked unconscious 151 00:07:17,650 --> 00:07:21,610 whilst in bat form by ourneighbor, uh, Phil's girlfriend, 152 00:07:21,650 --> 00:07:25,960 and he's now caged and inside the animal shelter. 153 00:07:26,010 --> 00:07:30,140 Uh, uh, Laszlo, not Phil, our neighbor's girlfriend. 154 00:07:30,180 --> 00:07:31,920 Yes. 155 00:07:31,970 --> 00:07:33,620 We must get him out before daybreak. 156 00:07:33,670 --> 00:07:35,150 Well, and that's the thing 157 00:07:35,190 --> 00:07:37,320 with these nightwalkers here, isn't it? 158 00:07:37,360 --> 00:07:39,980 You know, a little bit of sunlight, and poof. 159 00:07:40,020 --> 00:07:42,370 They go up in flames. 160 00:07:42,410 --> 00:07:45,200 -I've never gone poof, but it's okay. -Not yet. 161 00:07:45,240 --> 00:07:48,510 The vampires are always like, : "Ooh! I'm a vampire. 162 00:07:48,550 --> 00:07:51,680 I'm immortal. I'm... : whatever." 163 00:07:51,730 --> 00:07:55,770 Well, okay. Well, how about you go be immortal at brunch? 164 00:07:58,340 --> 00:08:00,390 NADJA: So what is the itinerary for tonight? 165 00:08:00,430 --> 00:08:02,390 Are you going to punish your worst enemy? 166 00:08:02,430 --> 00:08:04,390 Embarrass him in front of his elders? 167 00:08:04,440 --> 00:08:06,570 -Oh, uh... -Or are we going to destroy 168 00:08:06,610 --> 00:08:08,090 the worst criminals from your village 169 00:08:08,130 --> 00:08:09,440 and I will help? 170 00:08:09,480 --> 00:08:10,920 Wait, in Staten Island? 171 00:08:10,960 --> 00:08:13,620 How about find some red witchesand cut their feet off? 172 00:08:13,660 --> 00:08:15,620 We could go to the carnival. 173 00:08:15,660 --> 00:08:17,320 I mean, they've got games there.It's pretty dope. 174 00:08:17,360 --> 00:08:18,970 It is like a freak show? 175 00:08:19,020 --> 00:08:20,710 I don't think you're supposed to say that. 176 00:08:20,760 --> 00:08:22,980 We used to have a freak show in my village. 177 00:08:23,020 --> 00:08:24,590 We would get given one balloon 178 00:08:24,630 --> 00:08:26,410 between all my brothers and sisters. 179 00:08:26,460 --> 00:08:28,720 And then we would bite at each other to get it. 180 00:08:28,760 --> 00:08:31,940 One year, my sister bit my brother's thigh, 181 00:08:31,980 --> 00:08:34,420 and then we sold the meat for money. 182 00:08:35,680 --> 00:08:38,640 Hello. C-Can we come in? 183 00:08:38,690 --> 00:08:42,390 Excuse us, can we come into the shelter? 184 00:08:42,430 --> 00:08:44,610 We're open till 11:00. 185 00:08:44,650 --> 00:08:47,040 -Okay, that's great. -We see that. 186 00:08:47,090 --> 00:08:49,650 BOTH: Can we come in? 187 00:08:49,700 --> 00:08:52,530 Yeah, come in. 188 00:08:55,880 --> 00:08:57,440 How's your night been, guys? 189 00:08:57,490 --> 00:08:59,840 -It's none of your business. -What are you... What? 190 00:08:59,880 --> 00:09:01,800 -How's your night been? -It's been fine. 191 00:09:01,840 --> 00:09:03,800 Okay, good. Ours has, too. 192 00:09:03,840 --> 00:09:06,850 Isn't this the one that you ate last week? 193 00:09:06,890 --> 00:09:08,850 I didn't. I wouldn't. 194 00:09:10,760 --> 00:09:12,240 It's locked. 195 00:09:12,290 --> 00:09:14,810 You guys looking for the bathroom? 196 00:09:14,850 --> 00:09:16,250 I need to do a two. 197 00:09:16,290 --> 00:09:19,380 It's right behind you, man. That door. 198 00:09:19,420 --> 00:09:21,820 -Wait. Where are you going? 199 00:09:21,860 --> 00:09:23,950 They're not happy tonight, Bobby. 200 00:09:23,990 --> 00:09:26,300 -Yeah, what's up? -Oh, I brought in a bat. 201 00:09:26,340 --> 00:09:28,170 -BOBBY: Okay. -A little fella, you got to see this guy. 202 00:09:28,210 --> 00:09:30,780 -Look at his face. -: Yeah. 203 00:09:30,830 --> 00:09:33,090 BOBBY: This guy looks like a little English guy. 204 00:09:33,130 --> 00:09:34,830 KAREN: Yeah, he's a little, little British chap. 205 00:09:34,870 --> 00:09:36,610 Wait, wait, wait, let me blow him up there. Look at... 206 00:09:36,660 --> 00:09:38,660 -You see something? You see something? -No way. 207 00:09:38,700 --> 00:09:42,450 -That is a bat's erect penis on that screen. -Laszlo's. 208 00:09:42,490 --> 00:09:45,410 -Okay. -We're gonna have to get him a little rabies shot. 209 00:09:45,450 --> 00:09:48,840 I want you to bring me the strange bat with the erection. 210 00:09:48,890 --> 00:09:51,240 Wait, hang on a second. Can you imagine him 211 00:09:51,280 --> 00:09:54,410 with that little British top hat, like, "Whoo..." 212 00:09:54,460 --> 00:09:55,760 -Like a little explorer. -I don't think that worked. 213 00:09:55,810 --> 00:09:58,240 -I know. -Not so hot at hypnotism, huh? 214 00:09:58,290 --> 00:10:01,470 I'm fine at hypnotism; it's justyou can't hypnotize a subject 215 00:10:01,510 --> 00:10:02,860 that doesn't want to do something 216 00:10:02,900 --> 00:10:04,860 that you want them to do. 217 00:10:04,900 --> 00:10:07,080 If the only time you can hypnotize someone 218 00:10:07,120 --> 00:10:11,480 is when you have them do something they want to do, 219 00:10:11,520 --> 00:10:13,300 then it's not really hypnotism,is it? 220 00:10:16,130 --> 00:10:17,920 Wait a minute, can we help you guys? 221 00:10:17,960 --> 00:10:21,530 Uh, yeah. We're actually lookingfor a lost pet. 222 00:10:21,570 --> 00:10:22,920 -Oh. Okay. -Okay. 223 00:10:22,970 --> 00:10:26,060 -What kind of pet is it? -A normal one. 224 00:10:26,100 --> 00:10:27,840 Like, a bat. 225 00:10:27,880 --> 00:10:29,670 Oh, now, bats are illegal. 226 00:10:29,710 --> 00:10:31,500 He said "cat," ma'am. 227 00:10:31,540 --> 00:10:33,020 Well, if you have any sort of missing animal, 228 00:10:33,060 --> 00:10:34,800 then you just need to fill out the required paperwork, 229 00:10:34,850 --> 00:10:36,590 and then we'll go have a look in the back for you. 230 00:10:36,630 --> 00:10:37,980 Fine. 231 00:10:44,160 --> 00:10:46,380 NADJA: Gregor doesn't know I am not human 232 00:10:46,420 --> 00:10:49,030 and I cannot do certain things, like eat human food. 233 00:10:49,080 --> 00:10:51,170 Hey. I got us some popcorn. 234 00:10:51,210 --> 00:10:53,300 What is it? 235 00:10:53,340 --> 00:10:55,690 Popcorn? You've never had popcorn? 236 00:10:55,740 --> 00:10:56,910 -You're gonna love it. Here, try it. -Oh. 237 00:10:56,960 --> 00:10:58,610 -Just try one piece. -Oh, I'm-I'm... No, I... 238 00:10:58,650 --> 00:11:00,740 -No, just come on, just... -Ooh, wait a minute. 239 00:11:00,790 --> 00:11:02,700 Got it? No, just... let me put it in your mouth. 240 00:11:02,740 --> 00:11:03,880 -If you just... 241 00:11:03,920 --> 00:11:05,830 If it touches your tongue, it'll stay. 242 00:11:05,880 --> 00:11:07,180 It sticks to your tongue. 243 00:11:07,230 --> 00:11:08,750 That's what's kind of fun about it. 244 00:11:08,790 --> 00:11:10,800 There you go. Yeah. 245 00:11:10,840 --> 00:11:13,890 Mm. Hmm. 246 00:11:22,550 --> 00:11:24,720 Mm. That was so nice. 247 00:11:24,770 --> 00:11:26,810 -Yeah. -Hey, do you want more? 248 00:11:26,860 --> 00:11:28,550 -Oh, no. I'm-I'm okay. -I got a whole bucket. 249 00:11:28,600 --> 00:11:30,860 No! No. No. 250 00:11:30,900 --> 00:11:34,340 Okay, so the ASBN-119 I need, but... 251 00:11:34,380 --> 00:11:37,780 MA-553 is of no use to me whatsoever, correct? 252 00:11:37,820 --> 00:11:39,430 Uh, exactly. 253 00:11:39,480 --> 00:11:43,790 : I'm trying to find an open window. 254 00:11:43,830 --> 00:11:46,050 I think I found one. 255 00:11:53,840 --> 00:11:55,140 Laszlo. 256 00:11:55,190 --> 00:11:56,580 There you are. 257 00:11:56,620 --> 00:11:58,840 I've come to rescue you. 258 00:12:13,420 --> 00:12:16,560 Gregor. It is your beloved weapon. 259 00:12:16,600 --> 00:12:18,990 You are the master archer. 260 00:12:19,040 --> 00:12:22,040 Yeah. I... I am pretty good at this in VR. 261 00:12:22,080 --> 00:12:25,130 Behold the great Gregor the archer. 262 00:12:25,170 --> 00:12:26,650 It's Jeff. 263 00:12:26,700 --> 00:12:29,960 Bring this place to its knees. 264 00:12:30,010 --> 00:12:32,700 Oh, shit. 265 00:12:32,750 --> 00:12:35,180 Imagine it is a horde of Turkish. 266 00:12:35,230 --> 00:12:37,230 -Horde of what? -: Kill them. 267 00:12:40,490 --> 00:12:42,280 I kind of suck at this. I don't know. 268 00:12:42,320 --> 00:12:44,240 What has happened to you? 269 00:12:45,280 --> 00:12:46,890 Stupid. 270 00:12:46,940 --> 00:12:48,940 NANDOR: We are out, we are out, we are out. 271 00:12:48,980 --> 00:12:50,940 -Here. Guillermo. 272 00:12:50,980 --> 00:12:53,940 : This is the third animal shelter I visited. 273 00:12:53,990 --> 00:12:55,680 -We did it? -NANDOR: Yes, yes, yes. 274 00:12:56,860 --> 00:12:58,820 Laszlo, you are free now. 275 00:12:58,860 --> 00:13:01,430 -So be free. 276 00:13:04,130 --> 00:13:05,650 -Oh... -You're welcome. 277 00:13:05,690 --> 00:13:08,170 -Yeah. -Fucking guy. 278 00:13:08,220 --> 00:13:10,220 Are you guys sure it was him? 279 00:13:14,440 --> 00:13:17,490 Where the fuck am I? 280 00:13:17,530 --> 00:13:20,060 I say! 281 00:13:20,100 --> 00:13:21,750 Release me. 282 00:13:21,800 --> 00:13:25,320 So, what just happened is that Nandor took a bat 283 00:13:25,360 --> 00:13:27,540 that was being treated here, 284 00:13:27,580 --> 00:13:30,850 and he just rereleased it into the wild. 285 00:13:30,890 --> 00:13:32,720 Uh, a sick, sick bat. 286 00:13:32,760 --> 00:13:34,850 Do you think I might have rabies now? 287 00:13:34,900 --> 00:13:38,420 -Possible. -Not now, Guillermo. 288 00:13:38,460 --> 00:13:41,080 JEFF: I just don't know how it's my responsibility to pay 289 00:13:41,120 --> 00:13:42,900 for both Internet and cable. When you have a roommate, 290 00:13:42,950 --> 00:13:44,690 you're supposed to kind of spliteverything down the middle. 291 00:13:44,730 --> 00:13:47,650 -This is a misery for my ears. -I know, I just... 292 00:13:47,690 --> 00:13:50,690 -Nice outfit, freak. - Goth sucks. 293 00:13:50,740 --> 00:13:53,000 You mustn't kill them, please. 294 00:13:53,040 --> 00:13:56,920 -Oh, no, I wasn't gonna do anything. -Really? Huh. 295 00:13:56,960 --> 00:14:00,010 Yeah. I... you know, I see a lotof this as a security guard, 296 00:14:00,050 --> 00:14:01,400 and the best way to handle this... 297 00:14:03,490 --> 00:14:05,060 RECORDED VOICE: Congratulations. We have a winner! 298 00:14:05,100 --> 00:14:07,800 -What happened?-He was playing the game wrong. 299 00:14:09,970 --> 00:14:12,500 I cannot believe how boring Gregor has become. 300 00:14:12,540 --> 00:14:14,540 In every other past life, he was so exhilarating. 301 00:14:14,590 --> 00:14:16,110 Such a maverick. 302 00:14:16,150 --> 00:14:17,900 You know, when he was a washer woman, 303 00:14:17,940 --> 00:14:21,120 he would pour dirty old mop juice all over my body 304 00:14:21,160 --> 00:14:23,120 and rub it into me while he ravished me. 305 00:14:23,160 --> 00:14:25,290 -When he was a wild horse... 306 00:14:25,340 --> 00:14:27,990 I rode him naked all throughout the countryside. 307 00:14:28,040 --> 00:14:29,950 But this version of Gregor? 308 00:14:29,990 --> 00:14:32,170 It is a boring disgrace. 309 00:14:32,210 --> 00:14:36,090 And you know what? It's becausethey named him Jeps. Jeff. 310 00:14:36,130 --> 00:14:38,260 Wow, you were really good at ring toss. 311 00:14:38,310 --> 00:14:40,310 -I had so much fun tonight. -I cannot take this. 312 00:14:40,350 --> 00:14:41,920 I cannot take how boring you have become. 313 00:14:41,960 --> 00:14:44,270 How are you supposed to be a strong, 314 00:14:44,310 --> 00:14:46,750 thrilling, powerful warrior and lover 315 00:14:46,790 --> 00:14:48,400 with a name like Jeff? 316 00:14:48,450 --> 00:14:50,190 It is like a weak ejaculation. 317 00:14:50,230 --> 00:14:52,150 -Okay. 318 00:14:52,190 --> 00:14:53,630 -Jeff. -Okay, all right, all right. 319 00:14:53,670 --> 00:14:56,590 You know what? You're being really rude to me 320 00:14:56,630 --> 00:14:59,760 and my Uncle Jeff, but also Grandpa Jeff, 321 00:14:59,810 --> 00:15:02,200 -and that's where I draw the line. -Go back. 322 00:15:02,240 --> 00:15:03,810 Remember. 323 00:15:03,850 --> 00:15:05,860 Remember who you are. 324 00:15:05,900 --> 00:15:07,810 Ah... 325 00:15:12,560 --> 00:15:16,430 I am standing on the crest of a hill. 326 00:15:16,480 --> 00:15:19,130 Atop the Carpathian Mountains. 327 00:15:19,170 --> 00:15:22,220 -I am victorious from battle. 328 00:15:24,220 --> 00:15:25,750 But I am punctured... 329 00:15:25,790 --> 00:15:28,180 by many arrow. 330 00:15:28,230 --> 00:15:30,230 Yet I survive. 331 00:15:30,270 --> 00:15:33,190 I must survive... 332 00:15:33,230 --> 00:15:35,970 to see my lover. 333 00:15:36,020 --> 00:15:37,580 Nadja. 334 00:15:37,630 --> 00:15:41,070 Love... will get me through. 335 00:15:41,110 --> 00:15:44,760 Desire... will fuel my journey. 336 00:15:44,810 --> 00:15:46,240 Oh, Gregor... 337 00:15:46,290 --> 00:15:48,770 -it is you. -Hark. 338 00:15:48,810 --> 00:15:51,210 A rider approaches. 339 00:15:51,250 --> 00:15:53,430 He is wielding a sword. 340 00:15:53,470 --> 00:15:55,250 It comes towards me, 341 00:15:55,300 --> 00:15:57,130 -aiming directly for my hea... 342 00:15:57,170 --> 00:15:59,170 Oh, next life. 343 00:16:00,520 --> 00:16:02,960 Be down in a minute, sire. 344 00:16:04,220 --> 00:16:05,870 This mop... 345 00:16:05,920 --> 00:16:09,790 It is as full of water as I am desire. 346 00:16:09,830 --> 00:16:11,010 -I want to, but I mustn't. 347 00:16:11,050 --> 00:16:13,230 -No, you can. -No, he will hear. 348 00:16:13,270 --> 00:16:15,060 Just one little kiss with our lips. 349 00:16:15,100 --> 00:16:17,230 -He will be so angry.-Just stick our mouths together. 350 00:16:18,970 --> 00:16:21,450 - Oh, no, sir, not my head. -Next! 351 00:16:33,290 --> 00:16:36,250 Silence, my four-legged friends. 352 00:16:36,290 --> 00:16:39,250 I sense you are angry tonight. 353 00:16:39,300 --> 00:16:41,260 And with good reason. 354 00:16:41,300 --> 00:16:43,040 For we have been imprisoned. 355 00:16:43,080 --> 00:16:45,040 -Yes, without trial. 356 00:16:45,090 --> 00:16:48,700 Now is the time to hoist our oars 357 00:16:48,740 --> 00:16:51,310 and row towards freedom. 358 00:16:51,350 --> 00:16:53,050 Agreed? 359 00:16:53,090 --> 00:16:55,100 -Thank you. 360 00:16:55,140 --> 00:16:57,230 Now, I'm assuming 361 00:16:57,270 --> 00:17:01,450 that there is a cat in the cage to my right. 362 00:17:01,490 --> 00:17:03,500 -Excellent. 363 00:17:03,540 --> 00:17:07,200 You will succumb to my dark power, 364 00:17:07,240 --> 00:17:09,850 and you will undo your latch 365 00:17:09,890 --> 00:17:12,290 -and free me. 366 00:17:12,330 --> 00:17:15,160 Loosen your latch and free me. 367 00:17:15,200 --> 00:17:16,900 -KAREN: All right... -Succumb... Shit. 368 00:17:16,940 --> 00:17:19,210 -Bat. -Here you go. 369 00:17:19,250 --> 00:17:22,120 Over here. You know your spot. 370 00:17:22,170 --> 00:17:23,910 There you go. 371 00:17:23,950 --> 00:17:26,260 Home, sweet home. 372 00:17:26,300 --> 00:17:28,090 Be good. 373 00:17:28,130 --> 00:17:30,130 All right. Night, fellas. 374 00:17:32,610 --> 00:17:34,220 Woof, woof. 375 00:17:34,270 --> 00:17:37,090 -Nandor? Is that you? -Yes. 376 00:17:37,140 --> 00:17:40,140 I turned myself into a dog to come and rescue you. 377 00:17:40,180 --> 00:17:43,100 Hang on a second-- you turned yourself into a dog 378 00:17:43,140 --> 00:17:46,190 -in a place that imprisons dogs?-I just thought I'd be 379 00:17:46,230 --> 00:17:47,450 a bit creative and come and rescue you. 380 00:17:47,500 --> 00:17:49,370 You don't want me to rescue you,I can go again. 381 00:17:49,410 --> 00:17:51,150 And tell me how you do that. 382 00:17:51,200 --> 00:17:52,370 You're locked in a fucking cage. 383 00:17:52,410 --> 00:17:53,980 Oh... 384 00:17:54,020 --> 00:17:56,370 What's Nadja gonna say? Where is she? 385 00:17:56,420 --> 00:17:58,160 Uh... 386 00:17:59,600 --> 00:18:02,160 -OFFICER: No! Stop! 387 00:18:02,210 --> 00:18:05,380 -Stop! -My Gregor, yes! 388 00:18:05,430 --> 00:18:07,520 OFFICER: Come on! 389 00:18:10,520 --> 00:18:12,220 Hey, not-a-cop. 390 00:18:16,310 --> 00:18:19,140 Whoa, whoa. Holy shit. 391 00:18:41,460 --> 00:18:42,860 -Yes. -We have defeated time itself. 392 00:18:42,900 --> 00:18:44,290 We have been drawn together. 393 00:18:44,340 --> 00:18:46,380 -Let's make love right now. 394 00:18:46,420 --> 00:18:48,430 -Right here? -Yeah, here. 395 00:18:48,470 --> 00:18:51,170 Right here on the dirty ground in this filthy parking lot. 396 00:18:51,210 --> 00:18:53,210 Oh, I was hoping you would say that. 397 00:18:53,260 --> 00:18:55,300 -Yeah. -Oh... 398 00:18:55,350 --> 00:18:57,780 Oh, God. You want to get that? Do you need to get that? 399 00:18:57,830 --> 00:18:59,350 Hello? 400 00:18:59,390 --> 00:19:01,270 Hello, Guillermo. 401 00:19:01,310 --> 00:19:03,440 Yeah, I see. 402 00:19:03,490 --> 00:19:05,310 He did what? 403 00:19:05,360 --> 00:19:07,840 I'm... Okay, yeah. Yeah. 404 00:19:07,880 --> 00:19:09,620 Yeah, yeah, okay. Bye-bye. 405 00:19:09,670 --> 00:19:11,410 Bye. Okay. Yeah. 406 00:19:11,450 --> 00:19:12,970 Sorry, I have to leave. 407 00:19:13,020 --> 00:19:14,450 -Stay with me. -I know. 408 00:19:14,500 --> 00:19:16,450 Let's make animalistic, freaky sex right now. 409 00:19:16,500 --> 00:19:18,800 No, but somebody else needs me 410 00:19:18,850 --> 00:19:22,460 in a much less erotic way,but, you know, it is what it is. 411 00:19:22,500 --> 00:19:24,900 But I've died for you, Nadja. I've seen it. 412 00:19:24,940 --> 00:19:26,990 These visions are enough to drive a man to madness. 413 00:19:27,030 --> 00:19:29,030 Oh, it was only one time you died for me. 414 00:19:29,080 --> 00:19:30,340 The other times were just accidents. 415 00:19:30,380 --> 00:19:32,040 A few hours ago, my life was normal, 416 00:19:32,080 --> 00:19:34,080 and now everything I thought I knew was real 417 00:19:34,120 --> 00:19:35,650 has turned out to be an illusion. 418 00:19:35,690 --> 00:19:37,430 I'm married with a husband. Farewell. 419 00:19:37,480 --> 00:19:40,300 -No, no, Nadja. Nadja. Nadja! 420 00:19:43,480 --> 00:19:45,440 Oh, my God! 421 00:19:45,480 --> 00:19:48,050 - Nadja?! 422 00:19:48,090 --> 00:19:50,490 COLIN: And, like, I've also noticed that some dogs 423 00:19:50,530 --> 00:19:51,880 are really, really big, and other dogs 424 00:19:51,920 --> 00:19:53,360 -are really small... 425 00:19:53,400 --> 00:19:54,360 Oh, thank God. 426 00:19:54,410 --> 00:19:57,320 -Sorry. Thank goodness. 427 00:19:57,370 --> 00:19:59,240 -Laszlo and Nandor are in cages inside. 428 00:19:59,280 --> 00:20:01,720 -Please come in, ma'am. 429 00:20:01,760 --> 00:20:04,330 Thank you. 430 00:20:04,370 --> 00:20:06,030 What is the code for your door? 431 00:20:06,070 --> 00:20:08,070 1-2-3-4-5. 432 00:20:08,110 --> 00:20:11,030 -That's the code for the door? -Uh-huh. 433 00:20:11,070 --> 00:20:13,730 Humans, I can't... 434 00:20:15,080 --> 00:20:16,690 Yay, it's Nadja. 435 00:20:16,730 --> 00:20:18,520 Hello, my darling. What are you doing here? 436 00:20:18,560 --> 00:20:21,170 -I've come to help you out of the cage. -Absolutely no need. 437 00:20:21,220 --> 00:20:23,130 -Mr. Cat next door... 438 00:20:23,170 --> 00:20:25,920 ...I was in the process of hypnotizing him. 439 00:20:25,960 --> 00:20:27,480 I was moments away from escaping. 440 00:20:27,530 --> 00:20:29,270 I don't know why you bothered coming. 441 00:20:30,440 --> 00:20:32,310 Sh-Shit. 442 00:20:32,360 --> 00:20:33,710 I've got to free my fellow inmates. 443 00:20:33,750 --> 00:20:35,270 I made a gentleman's promise. 444 00:20:35,320 --> 00:20:36,750 OFFICER: Well, the suspect stated 445 00:20:36,800 --> 00:20:39,710 that he is an ancient warrior who's been reborn anew, 446 00:20:39,760 --> 00:20:41,760 -et cetera, et cetera. -JEFF : That's all the truth! 447 00:20:41,800 --> 00:20:44,280 You can ask my ex-- we were together ages ago. 448 00:20:44,330 --> 00:20:46,330 She turned into a pile of rats. 449 00:20:46,370 --> 00:20:48,330 Okay, buddy. I'll just ask the pile of rats. 450 00:20:48,370 --> 00:20:50,200 I am Gregor! 451 00:20:50,240 --> 00:20:52,720 Victor of many battles. 452 00:20:52,770 --> 00:20:55,420 I am cleaning lady! 453 00:20:58,030 --> 00:21:00,910 -Run and be free, my comrade. 454 00:21:00,950 --> 00:21:02,430 -What the fuck? 455 00:21:07,350 --> 00:21:09,220 Still no thank-you? 456 00:21:09,260 --> 00:21:11,790 Release your claws, you ungrateful bastards. 457 00:21:11,830 --> 00:21:15,830 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH 458 00:22:12,540 --> 00:22:15,020 ANNOUNCER: What We Do in the Shadows. 459 00:22:15,070 --> 00:22:17,370 -All new Wednesdays at 10:00 on FX. 460 00:22:18,900 --> 00:22:20,810 MAN: Five, six, seven, eight. 461 00:22:20,860 --> 00:22:23,420 -He's a wonderful teacher. -Boom-chicka-boom. 462 00:22:23,470 --> 00:22:25,250 Well, you have taught him plenty. 463 00:22:25,300 --> 00:22:27,470 When do I find out if I got the part or not? 464 00:22:27,520 --> 00:22:29,430 You got the part when you walked in the door. 465 00:22:29,470 --> 00:22:30,780 ANNOUNCER: Fosse/Verdon. 466 00:22:30,820 --> 00:22:33,560 All new, Tuesday at 10:00, only on FX. 467 00:22:35,610 --> 00:22:39,270 Okay, Tracy Cromwell. What's your address and date of birth? 468 00:22:39,310 --> 00:22:42,660 Mom. No one ever asks for it. 469 00:22:42,700 --> 00:22:43,880 I just... 470 00:22:47,840 --> 00:22:49,490 Slut bucket. 471 00:22:50,710 --> 00:22:52,190 ANNOUNCER: Better Things. 472 00:22:52,240 --> 00:22:54,110 All new Thursdays at 10:00 on FX.