1 00:00:04,700 --> 00:00:06,180 Fosse/Verdon. 2 00:00:08,310 --> 00:00:11,010 All new, Tuesdays at 10:00 on FX. 3 00:00:12,310 --> 00:00:15,050 ANNOUNCER: FX presents What We Do in the Shadows. 4 00:00:19,750 --> 00:00:22,930 LASZLO: I have recently rediscovered my love 5 00:00:22,970 --> 00:00:25,110 for topiary sculpture. 6 00:00:25,150 --> 00:00:28,240 The art of bush manipulation. 7 00:00:28,280 --> 00:00:32,290 We have Anubis, the Egyptian god of death. 8 00:00:32,330 --> 00:00:33,330 Here is a chimera. 9 00:00:33,380 --> 00:00:35,290 This one, I'm the most proud of. 10 00:00:35,330 --> 00:00:37,990 This is the bunny, simply because it ended up 11 00:00:38,030 --> 00:00:40,210 exactly the same as I had in my head. 12 00:00:40,250 --> 00:00:42,250 -And up here... -SEAN: Yo, Laz! 13 00:00:42,300 --> 00:00:43,910 All right, Sean. 14 00:00:43,950 --> 00:00:46,520 Bitch kicked me out again. Can you believe it? 15 00:00:46,560 --> 00:00:48,130 She ought to strangle you to death 16 00:00:48,170 --> 00:00:50,260 with your own sphincter muscle. 17 00:00:50,310 --> 00:00:53,140 -What did you just say? -I said something 18 00:00:53,180 --> 00:00:55,220 which you will heartily agree with. 19 00:00:56,530 --> 00:01:00,100 Yeah, I hear that, bro. That's-that's messed up. 20 00:01:00,140 --> 00:01:01,670 Have a good night. 21 00:01:01,710 --> 00:01:04,150 His wife will probably kill him. 22 00:01:04,190 --> 00:01:06,190 Which leads me on to the fairer sex. 23 00:01:06,240 --> 00:01:09,110 What you're about to seeare the topiary representations 24 00:01:09,150 --> 00:01:12,460 of the vulvas of some of my favorite prostitutes 25 00:01:12,500 --> 00:01:14,240 and women I have loved. 26 00:01:14,290 --> 00:01:17,590 Polly Nichols from Whitechapel, 1888. 27 00:01:17,640 --> 00:01:19,340 Oh, that's my good lady wife Nadja. 28 00:01:19,380 --> 00:01:22,120 Don't think she'd like you tosee that, but who gives a fuck? 29 00:01:22,160 --> 00:01:24,380 Beautiful. 30 00:01:24,430 --> 00:01:27,560 That's Nancy Reagan at the end.It's a bit untidy. 31 00:01:27,600 --> 00:01:31,350 And here we have the pièce de résistance, 32 00:01:31,390 --> 00:01:34,480 my mother. 33 00:01:34,520 --> 00:01:36,350 What the... 34 00:01:36,400 --> 00:01:38,310 You're kidding. 35 00:01:38,350 --> 00:01:40,310 Ugh! 36 00:01:40,360 --> 00:01:42,310 That's werewolf piss. 37 00:01:42,360 --> 00:01:44,360 Werewolf piss. 38 00:01:44,400 --> 00:01:49,190 This box contains all my werewolf traps. 39 00:01:49,230 --> 00:01:52,370 That's what we're looking for, the Wulfsfalle. 40 00:01:52,410 --> 00:01:55,240 That'll do the business. 41 00:01:57,420 --> 00:01:59,770 ♪ Don't sing if you want to live long♪ 42 00:01:59,810 --> 00:02:02,420 ♪ They have no use for your song♪ 43 00:02:02,470 --> 00:02:06,080 ♪ You're dead, you're dead, you're dead♪ 44 00:02:06,120 --> 00:02:09,210 ♪ You're dead and out of this world♪ 45 00:02:09,250 --> 00:02:12,340 ♪ Now your hope and compassion is gone♪ 46 00:02:12,390 --> 00:02:15,260 ♪ You sold out your dream to the world♪ 47 00:02:15,300 --> 00:02:17,440 ♪ Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead♪ 48 00:02:17,480 --> 00:02:20,400 ♪ You're dead and out of this world.♪ 49 00:02:29,800 --> 00:02:32,970 COLIN: Am I a morning person? 50 00:02:33,020 --> 00:02:37,060 That would be an enthusiastic "yes." 51 00:02:37,110 --> 00:02:39,630 I really enjoy the mornings. 52 00:02:39,680 --> 00:02:41,550 Let's see what Nandor's up to. 53 00:02:41,590 --> 00:02:43,420 Nandor? 54 00:02:43,460 --> 00:02:45,380 I wake up hungry, and I get to feed all day. 55 00:02:45,420 --> 00:02:48,820 NANDOR: Go away, please, Colin Robinson. 56 00:02:48,860 --> 00:02:52,080 Nandor, it's time to name that tune. 57 00:02:52,120 --> 00:02:54,260 NANDOR:Guillermo, get him out of here! 58 00:02:54,300 --> 00:02:55,870 -Will you get out of here? -I made it up. 59 00:02:55,910 --> 00:02:58,480 -NANDOR: Can't you see I am sleeping? -Please get out. 60 00:02:58,520 --> 00:03:00,570 Get out. 61 00:03:00,610 --> 00:03:04,220 That's what I call my "morning cup of coffee." 62 00:03:04,270 --> 00:03:06,440 Dan, how are you? 63 00:03:06,490 --> 00:03:09,400 Mornings are great for feeding. People aren't really, 64 00:03:09,450 --> 00:03:12,060 you know, frustrated yet by the entire day. 65 00:03:12,100 --> 00:03:13,580 If you don't want to have kids, 66 00:03:13,620 --> 00:03:16,230 then I would keep that phone in your pocket. 67 00:03:17,760 --> 00:03:20,630 Arnie. You know,I was thinking about the whole, 68 00:03:20,670 --> 00:03:24,070 uh, Q-tip debate that we've been having, 69 00:03:24,110 --> 00:03:26,110 and, you know, science says 70 00:03:26,160 --> 00:03:28,510 that you shouldn't stick anything 71 00:03:28,550 --> 00:03:31,120 smaller than your elbow into your ear. 72 00:03:31,160 --> 00:03:32,860 Talk about damage to the ear canal. 73 00:03:32,900 --> 00:03:34,250 -Am I not right? -I just can't. 74 00:03:34,300 --> 00:03:36,860 Yeah, no, and, uh... 75 00:03:39,740 --> 00:03:41,910 There's someone new in the office. 76 00:03:41,960 --> 00:03:45,260 If you get 'em before this placegrinds them down, 77 00:03:45,310 --> 00:03:47,480 you get so much fresh energy. 78 00:03:53,530 --> 00:03:55,270 Knock, knock. 79 00:03:55,320 --> 00:03:57,490 Let me be the ad hoc welcoming committee. 80 00:03:57,540 --> 00:03:59,500 I am Colin Robinson. 81 00:03:59,540 --> 00:04:01,410 You're gonna be hearing a lot more about me. 82 00:04:01,450 --> 00:04:04,110 -Oh, probably not. -Oh, no. 83 00:04:04,150 --> 00:04:06,070 Nonsense. People talk. 84 00:04:06,110 --> 00:04:08,290 -Not to me, they don't. -Look at that. 85 00:04:08,330 --> 00:04:11,290 -Personalized nameplate, huh? -Yeah, I-I had it made because 86 00:04:11,330 --> 00:04:13,380 people don't usually remember my name. 87 00:04:13,420 --> 00:04:14,470 Oh. 88 00:04:14,510 --> 00:04:15,860 Since we're on friendly terms, 89 00:04:15,900 --> 00:04:17,560 let me give you a little advice. 90 00:04:17,600 --> 00:04:20,560 The water fountain, I have reason to believe, 91 00:04:20,600 --> 00:04:22,080 is not filtered. 92 00:04:22,130 --> 00:04:24,300 I wouldn't dare go by the water fountain. 93 00:04:24,350 --> 00:04:26,870 What if everybody laughed? 94 00:04:26,910 --> 00:04:30,530 Wh-Why... why would they do that? 95 00:04:30,570 --> 00:04:33,010 You have no idea how long I've been waiting 96 00:04:33,050 --> 00:04:35,140 to hear a kind word. 97 00:04:35,180 --> 00:04:39,010 I've been all alone since Mother died, so... 98 00:04:39,060 --> 00:04:41,710 Oh. I'm-I'm just talking to you. I... 99 00:04:42,930 --> 00:04:44,760 -There, there. -Thank you. 100 00:04:48,410 --> 00:04:49,810 -Talk later? -Yeah. 101 00:04:49,850 --> 00:04:52,030 -Really? -Yeah, I said we would. 102 00:04:52,070 --> 00:04:53,510 I'd love to chat later. 103 00:04:55,420 --> 00:04:57,470 COLIN: Oh, what the hell was that? 104 00:04:57,510 --> 00:04:59,420 I didn't get anything from her. 105 00:04:59,470 --> 00:05:00,730 Nothing. 106 00:05:02,250 --> 00:05:06,000 I think there's something weird about Evie. 107 00:05:14,570 --> 00:05:16,960 NADJA: This is mine and Laszlo's crypt. 108 00:05:17,010 --> 00:05:19,400 I decorated it myself. 109 00:05:19,440 --> 00:05:21,360 This one is a very special creature to me. 110 00:05:21,400 --> 00:05:22,930 When I first met Laszlo, 111 00:05:22,970 --> 00:05:24,930 I was walking on the moors with him, 112 00:05:24,970 --> 00:05:27,500 and this owl flew over and scratched my head, 113 00:05:27,540 --> 00:05:30,590 and I said, "Kill that fucking bitch, please, Laszlo." 114 00:05:30,630 --> 00:05:32,540 If me and Laszlo were to have ever had a child, 115 00:05:32,590 --> 00:05:35,940 I like to imagine it would look like him. 116 00:05:35,980 --> 00:05:37,510 Small and hard. 117 00:05:37,550 --> 00:05:39,810 I hate this goat. 118 00:05:41,680 --> 00:05:43,600 What is that? 119 00:05:43,640 --> 00:05:45,210 It's werewolf. 120 00:05:50,910 --> 00:05:52,480 Coming from outside. 121 00:05:52,520 --> 00:05:54,480 There's a bloody big werewolf on the lawn. 122 00:05:54,520 --> 00:05:56,660 Quick. 123 00:05:56,700 --> 00:05:58,180 -Ugh, ugh. -Ew. 124 00:05:58,220 --> 00:06:00,490 -Bloody big one. -Quick, we need to get it inside. 125 00:06:00,530 --> 00:06:02,660 - It stinks. 126 00:06:02,710 --> 00:06:04,530 -Why is its foot in a trap? 127 00:06:04,580 --> 00:06:06,450 -NADJA: Laszlo, did you lay a trap? -NANDOR: What? 128 00:06:06,490 --> 00:06:08,670 LASZLO: No, no, nothing to do with me. Let's just get it 129 00:06:08,710 --> 00:06:10,760 -off the grass. -NANDOR: It's okay. It's okay. 130 00:06:10,800 --> 00:06:12,280 It's okay. The neighbors, 131 00:06:12,320 --> 00:06:14,020 -the neighbors. -LASZLO: Shh. He's losing conscious. 132 00:06:14,060 --> 00:06:16,070 -NANDOR: Go to sleep now. -LASZLO: That's it, that's it. 133 00:06:16,110 --> 00:06:19,590 -Go to sleep, Mr. Werewolf. -LASZLO: That's it. 134 00:06:19,640 --> 00:06:21,990 -NANDOR: Okay, this way. Go, go.- 135 00:06:22,030 --> 00:06:24,070 -NADJA: The boy should be helping. -NANDOR: He is helping. 136 00:06:24,120 --> 00:06:26,510 -NANDOR: Where do we take it, the basement? -LASZLO: Fancy room. 137 00:06:26,560 --> 00:06:28,690 NANDOR: But we just spring-cleaned. 138 00:06:28,730 --> 00:06:31,780 -Master, is it safe to be this close to it? -Probably not, Guillermo. 139 00:06:31,820 --> 00:06:33,480 Well, when it wakes up, won't it kill me? 140 00:06:33,520 --> 00:06:36,390 Yes, probably. But we have moreimportant things to talk about. 141 00:06:39,310 --> 00:06:40,480 We need to get rid of him. 142 00:06:40,530 --> 00:06:41,660 And when I say get rid of him, 143 00:06:41,700 --> 00:06:43,660 I mean... pfft! 144 00:06:43,700 --> 00:06:45,490 No! The werewolf lives. 145 00:06:45,530 --> 00:06:47,880 Otherwise we endanger the sanctity of the Truce. 146 00:06:47,920 --> 00:06:49,930 -The Truce? -Ah, the Truce. 147 00:06:49,970 --> 00:06:51,450 I hate the Truce. 148 00:06:51,490 --> 00:06:52,490 NANDOR: For tens 149 00:06:52,540 --> 00:06:54,670 upon tens of years, 150 00:06:54,710 --> 00:06:57,460 the vampire and werewolf communities 151 00:06:57,500 --> 00:07:02,680 live in a wary peace because of the Truce. 152 00:07:02,720 --> 00:07:04,720 Vampire does not harm werewolf, 153 00:07:04,770 --> 00:07:08,900 so long as werewolf doesn'tinterfere with any vampire shit. 154 00:07:08,950 --> 00:07:10,730 His friends might know he's here. 155 00:07:10,770 --> 00:07:13,040 Which means all of his friends will come and visit him. 156 00:07:13,080 --> 00:07:15,040 Okay, let us put a muzzle on him, take him to a park, 157 00:07:15,080 --> 00:07:16,130 tie him to a bench. 158 00:07:16,170 --> 00:07:17,690 He's waking up. He's waking up! 159 00:07:17,740 --> 00:07:20,350 Oh, God. 160 00:07:20,390 --> 00:07:24,350 Why do you guys have a werewolf trap? 161 00:07:24,400 --> 00:07:26,530 I mean, a normal trap on your lawn? 162 00:07:26,570 --> 00:07:28,750 NADJA: We know you're a big bloody werewolf. 163 00:07:28,790 --> 00:07:31,050 I saw you screechingand scratching around the garden 164 00:07:31,100 --> 00:07:32,530 like a big, disgusting wet dog. 165 00:07:32,580 --> 00:07:36,760 -Yeah, so the game's up, you bastard. 166 00:07:36,800 --> 00:07:37,890 Luckily for you guys, 167 00:07:37,930 --> 00:07:39,980 I have incredible healing abilities. 168 00:07:41,930 --> 00:07:43,550 I'm already recovering completely. 169 00:07:43,590 --> 00:07:46,720 Ow! 170 00:07:46,770 --> 00:07:48,850 -He's gonna shit. -Oh, no. 171 00:07:48,900 --> 00:07:50,900 When my werewolf brethren and sisteren 172 00:07:50,940 --> 00:07:53,560 find out about this, they will not be happy. 173 00:07:57,780 --> 00:07:59,340 LASZLO: Ah, shit. 174 00:07:59,390 --> 00:08:03,000 -He's broken the bloody window.- My other leg! 175 00:08:03,040 --> 00:08:04,610 This is bad. This is very bad. 176 00:08:04,650 --> 00:08:06,130 -Yes, this is very bad. 177 00:08:06,180 --> 00:08:08,130 I'm coming back with the pack. 178 00:08:08,180 --> 00:08:09,880 And by then, I'll be 100% healed. 179 00:08:09,920 --> 00:08:12,440 Don't worry about that. Ow! 180 00:08:12,490 --> 00:08:14,790 -He could've killed me. -Possibly, but you know, 181 00:08:14,840 --> 00:08:16,750 -these things happen. 182 00:08:16,800 --> 00:08:20,540 Hey, Kamal. Put on a little weight this weekend, no? 183 00:08:22,150 --> 00:08:24,460 Hey, Jeannie. Ooh. 184 00:08:24,500 --> 00:08:26,940 Man, what's an antonym for "jealous"? 185 00:08:26,980 --> 00:08:28,760 'Cause that's how I feel about your workload 186 00:08:28,810 --> 00:08:30,640 right now. 187 00:08:33,860 --> 00:08:37,210 Arnie. You're gonna kill me, but I think I am going to 188 00:08:37,250 --> 00:08:41,730 change my position on the wholeQ-tip conundrum that we had. 189 00:08:41,780 --> 00:08:44,560 -Arnie, are you even listening to me? -Huh, Colin? 190 00:08:44,610 --> 00:08:48,350 Sorry. I was... talking to the new girl. 191 00:08:48,390 --> 00:08:51,740 She told me the saddest story about her nephew. 192 00:08:51,790 --> 00:08:54,660 Born with his eyeballs facing backwards. 193 00:08:54,700 --> 00:08:56,750 So can he see his brains? 194 00:08:56,790 --> 00:08:59,970 I think the new girl is an emotional vampire. 195 00:09:00,010 --> 00:09:03,710 They're an advanced form of energy vampire. 196 00:09:03,760 --> 00:09:07,060 But instead of frustrating the people around them 197 00:09:07,110 --> 00:09:10,810 for energy, they feed off of pity. Look at her. 198 00:09:10,850 --> 00:09:12,720 There's not gonna be anything left 199 00:09:12,760 --> 00:09:14,850 when she's done with Dave, I'll tell you that much. 200 00:09:14,900 --> 00:09:17,810 This whole damn office is empty. 201 00:09:17,860 --> 00:09:19,470 Evie. 202 00:09:19,510 --> 00:09:21,290 E.V. 203 00:09:21,340 --> 00:09:23,990 Emotional vamp... Oh, hell. 204 00:09:25,910 --> 00:09:28,740 It's on, Evie Russell. Oh, it's on. 205 00:09:28,780 --> 00:09:30,740 Biff! Hey. 206 00:09:30,780 --> 00:09:32,480 Hey, Biff. Could I have a word with you? 207 00:09:32,520 --> 00:09:34,260 Biff, just a second, Biff. 208 00:09:34,310 --> 00:09:35,870 -Just gonna use the bathroom first. -Quick question about... 209 00:09:35,920 --> 00:09:37,700 EVIE: Biff, I had a... Actually, 210 00:09:37,750 --> 00:09:39,660 -I had a quick question. - Biff, we need to discuss... 211 00:09:39,700 --> 00:09:42,620 BIFF: Can this wait till we get out of the bathroom? 212 00:09:42,660 --> 00:09:44,270 -EVIE: 'Cause it's kind of feminine-related. -Uh, Biff, you're gon... 213 00:09:44,320 --> 00:09:45,620 -I can't exact... 214 00:09:45,670 --> 00:09:47,840 -Biff, Biff, Biff. -Biff, I can't exactly... 215 00:09:47,890 --> 00:09:49,710 -Hold on, hold on. -BIFF: Oh, man! 216 00:09:49,760 --> 00:09:51,670 Biff, I-I think my dog might be autistic, 217 00:09:51,720 --> 00:09:53,720 -and I need a shoulder to cry on. -Biff. 218 00:09:53,760 --> 00:09:55,630 -Please, Biff. -BIFF: What is happening, Colin? 219 00:09:55,680 --> 00:09:57,680 COLIN: What do you think of the new toilet paper in here? 220 00:09:57,720 --> 00:09:59,680 -I was wondering... Let go! -BIFF: This is crazy. 221 00:09:59,720 --> 00:10:01,640 COLIN: Oh, you don't use, uh, toilet paper liner, huh? 222 00:10:01,680 --> 00:10:03,250 Biff, I just need to talk to you, please. 223 00:10:03,290 --> 00:10:04,770 COLIN:Not a seat protector dude, huh? 224 00:10:04,820 --> 00:10:07,300 I'm just so sad, and I don't know what to do. 225 00:10:07,340 --> 00:10:09,560 BIFF: I'm not feeling well. I-I... I feel really weak. 226 00:10:11,260 --> 00:10:14,740 COLIN: You know, the Greek phrasing for "coma" 227 00:10:14,780 --> 00:10:16,920 -is "deep sleep." 228 00:10:19,050 --> 00:10:21,270 Poor Biff. 229 00:10:29,360 --> 00:10:32,500 LASZLO:One, two, three silver bullets. 230 00:10:32,540 --> 00:10:34,540 How are we gonna kill a whole wolf pack 231 00:10:34,590 --> 00:10:36,110 with just three silver bullets? 232 00:10:36,150 --> 00:10:37,850 It's worse than that-- we don't even have a gun. 233 00:10:37,890 --> 00:10:39,020 No gun? 234 00:10:39,070 --> 00:10:41,460 -The wolf pack. 235 00:10:41,510 --> 00:10:43,900 She is here. 236 00:10:43,940 --> 00:10:46,290 LASZLO: What the blazes? 237 00:10:46,340 --> 00:10:48,820 Look, two werewolves, 238 00:10:48,860 --> 00:10:49,860 as bold as brass. 239 00:10:49,910 --> 00:10:52,520 And I can even sense one behind me. 240 00:10:52,560 --> 00:10:54,910 NADJA: She's emptying her wolf snatch all over the bushes! 241 00:10:54,950 --> 00:10:57,170 All right, you've made yourpoint. Let's call this a night. 242 00:10:57,220 --> 00:11:00,090 : Oh, no. We're just getting started. 243 00:11:00,130 --> 00:11:02,960 Way to go, Deb. Good, strong stream. 244 00:11:03,010 --> 00:11:04,750 ANGE: Yeah. We had the piss. 245 00:11:04,790 --> 00:11:08,620 -Now we need the blood. -Someone's finally speaking my language. 246 00:11:08,660 --> 00:11:10,710 --Get ready to start speaking it 247 00:11:10,750 --> 00:11:12,360 our your butt,you Sense and Sensibilitybitch. 248 00:11:12,410 --> 00:11:14,060 -ARJAN: Ange, Ange, Ange. -What-what are we doing? 249 00:11:14,100 --> 00:11:15,840 You're ramping it up pretty quick here. 250 00:11:15,890 --> 00:11:17,850 Let's build up. Let's build up to something. 251 00:11:17,890 --> 00:11:20,410 What I don't understand is why you texted us all, woke us up 252 00:11:20,460 --> 00:11:22,150 and told us to come here to what, just piss on everything? 253 00:11:22,200 --> 00:11:24,770 -Are we gonna get on with this?-...lack of organization, man. 254 00:11:24,810 --> 00:11:26,990 I'm just gonna need a second here. 255 00:11:27,030 --> 00:11:27,990 You're doing it again. You're undermining me. 256 00:11:28,030 --> 00:11:30,080 No, you made us look like turds, man. 257 00:11:30,120 --> 00:11:32,160 -Can you stop crying on my lawn, please? 258 00:11:32,210 --> 00:11:35,300 -Let's talk about it later. -Okay. Let's do it later. 259 00:11:36,820 --> 00:11:37,950 At last. 260 00:11:38,000 --> 00:11:39,390 Give me some space. 261 00:11:39,430 --> 00:11:41,740 You'll need more than space, me old chap. 262 00:11:41,780 --> 00:11:43,570 NADJA: Go on, Laszlo. 263 00:11:46,830 --> 00:11:49,180 -Oh, no. 264 00:11:49,230 --> 00:11:51,580 Not my bunny. Look. 265 00:11:51,620 --> 00:11:53,360 No, that's my rabbit. That's my best one. 266 00:11:53,400 --> 00:11:56,410 -My sciatica. -Don't worry, darling. 267 00:12:00,890 --> 00:12:03,020 Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! 268 00:12:03,070 --> 00:12:04,890 Here comes the party poop. 269 00:12:04,940 --> 00:12:07,590 You can't be fighting with werewolves on the lawn. 270 00:12:07,630 --> 00:12:09,030 You'll alert the human neighbors. 271 00:12:09,070 --> 00:12:11,160 And there's a bus stop outside the house. 272 00:12:11,200 --> 00:12:14,030 Well, don't appear as a mist on the lawn, then, you prick. 273 00:12:14,080 --> 00:12:16,030 What the hell's going on over there, Laz? 274 00:12:16,080 --> 00:12:17,820 Nothing, Sean. 275 00:12:17,860 --> 00:12:20,000 Everything's all right on this lawn. 276 00:12:20,040 --> 00:12:22,780 Just how I like it. And I'm going inside. 277 00:12:22,820 --> 00:12:24,220 LASZLO: It's just the neighbor. Carry on. 278 00:12:24,260 --> 00:12:28,440 If we are to battle, we must follow the protocols. 279 00:12:28,480 --> 00:12:30,010 Of course we're gonna follow the protocols. 280 00:12:30,050 --> 00:12:30,920 -To the protocols. -Sure. 281 00:12:30,960 --> 00:12:33,230 And now there's lots of dogs going in my house. 282 00:12:33,270 --> 00:12:34,840 NANDOR: Shit, have you got a key? 283 00:12:41,840 --> 00:12:44,020 It's very tense. 284 00:12:44,060 --> 00:12:47,500 Vampires, werewolves, 285 00:12:47,540 --> 00:12:51,500 give me a moment to find the relevant passage. 286 00:12:54,290 --> 00:12:57,860 So, are all you werewolves Indians? 287 00:12:57,900 --> 00:13:00,080 -Oh, here we go again. -Fucking Twilight. 288 00:13:00,120 --> 00:13:02,210 No, we're not all Indians. 289 00:13:02,250 --> 00:13:04,910 In fact... well, I'm an Indian. 290 00:13:04,950 --> 00:13:06,870 But that's because my father's from India. I think you're 291 00:13:06,910 --> 00:13:09,040 not even talking about that kind of Indian, though. 292 00:13:09,090 --> 00:13:10,740 I think you're talking about a Native American, 293 00:13:10,790 --> 00:13:12,870 -like Marcus. -Yeah, but I'm not a werewolf 294 00:13:12,920 --> 00:13:15,090 -becauseI'm Native American. -ARJAN: That's right. 295 00:13:15,140 --> 00:13:16,880 All right? It's not an ethnic thing. 296 00:13:16,920 --> 00:13:19,230 -That's one guy. -MARCUS: We're all different. 297 00:13:19,270 --> 00:13:21,060 -I'm African-American. -That's right. 298 00:13:21,100 --> 00:13:22,750 -ALL: Oh. -ANGE: Yeah. 299 00:13:22,800 --> 00:13:25,320 I'm Caribbean-Canadian. Saskatoon, motherfucker. 300 00:13:25,360 --> 00:13:27,110 -That's right. -Yeah. 301 00:13:27,150 --> 00:13:28,890 -I'm Caucasian. -That's-that's right. 302 00:13:28,930 --> 00:13:30,890 -That's Chad. -NANDOR: If anyone is interested, 303 00:13:30,940 --> 00:13:33,200 -I have found the...-LASZLO: Yes, get on with this. 304 00:13:33,240 --> 00:13:35,900 ...relevant passage for... 305 00:13:35,940 --> 00:13:39,340 This was written in 1993. 306 00:13:39,380 --> 00:13:40,860 -Wow. -And it states, 307 00:13:40,900 --> 00:13:43,300 "Should a werewolf pack 308 00:13:43,340 --> 00:13:46,080 have a beef with a vampire house..." 309 00:13:46,120 --> 00:13:47,910 That's us. 310 00:13:47,950 --> 00:13:51,000 "...the two groups shall not battle, 311 00:13:51,040 --> 00:13:53,570 "but elect from amongst them 312 00:13:53,610 --> 00:13:56,090 "their strongest fighter. 313 00:13:56,130 --> 00:13:59,010 "The two fighters will face off 314 00:13:59,050 --> 00:14:02,100 -"in one-on-one combat... -No. 315 00:14:02,140 --> 00:14:04,320 ...on neutral ground." 316 00:14:04,360 --> 00:14:07,360 Okay. Staten Island Werewolf Support Group. 317 00:14:10,980 --> 00:14:13,760 Uh, vampires in this room. 318 00:14:15,200 --> 00:14:16,890 NANDOR: Not you, Guillermo. 319 00:14:20,940 --> 00:14:22,940 COLIN: It's on, Evie Russell. 320 00:14:22,990 --> 00:14:24,600 Oh, it's on. 321 00:14:27,040 --> 00:14:29,690 -Evie Russell. -Colin Robinson. 322 00:14:29,730 --> 00:14:31,300 -Working late? -I have to. I'm behind. 323 00:14:31,340 --> 00:14:34,040 I like your skirt. 324 00:14:34,090 --> 00:14:37,050 You should be careful, because mauve attracts bees. 325 00:14:37,090 --> 00:14:40,310 I was wearing this skirt when mysister got her cancer diagnosis. 326 00:14:40,350 --> 00:14:42,490 Cancer isn't usually what kills you. 327 00:14:42,530 --> 00:14:43,830 It's the treatment. 328 00:14:43,880 --> 00:14:45,490 She was killed by a drunk driver. 329 00:14:45,530 --> 00:14:48,320 He was my fiancé. 330 00:14:48,360 --> 00:14:51,060 Violence often begins at home. Studies indicate... 331 00:14:51,100 --> 00:14:54,930 -I've never had a home! 332 00:14:54,980 --> 00:14:57,540 Remind me to e-mail you a link to a Slatearticle 333 00:14:57,590 --> 00:14:59,720 on the millennial housing crisis. 334 00:14:59,760 --> 00:15:01,940 I don't use e-mail 335 00:15:01,980 --> 00:15:04,160 ever since my computer was hacked 336 00:15:04,200 --> 00:15:06,120 and my identity was stolen. 337 00:15:06,160 --> 00:15:09,510 Hackers,featuring Johnny Lee Miller and Fisher Stevens, 338 00:15:09,560 --> 00:15:12,730 is one of the few movies from 1995 339 00:15:12,780 --> 00:15:14,950 that still holds up! 340 00:15:15,000 --> 00:15:17,560 I was held up at gunpoint 341 00:15:17,610 --> 00:15:20,520 while waiting in line to see that movie. 342 00:15:20,570 --> 00:15:22,530 But they didn't take any money. 343 00:15:22,570 --> 00:15:24,740 They just did it for fun! 344 00:15:33,010 --> 00:15:34,670 Human form. 345 00:15:34,710 --> 00:15:36,970 Come on! 346 00:15:39,500 --> 00:15:41,240 We're five minutes early. 347 00:15:41,280 --> 00:15:42,760 COLIN: You know... 348 00:15:42,810 --> 00:15:45,460 we don't have to be enemies. 349 00:15:45,500 --> 00:15:48,250 Have you ever considered hunting with a partner? 350 00:15:48,290 --> 00:15:50,810 The thought has only recently crossed my mind. 351 00:15:53,640 --> 00:15:55,250 Rhonda. 352 00:15:55,300 --> 00:15:57,690 I was wondering if you could settle a bet. 353 00:15:59,260 --> 00:16:01,520 Tonight is a good night to die. 354 00:16:02,870 --> 00:16:04,310 Oh, I don't want you to die, Master. 355 00:16:05,390 --> 00:16:07,140 Not me to die, 356 00:16:07,180 --> 00:16:09,050 -the other guy to die. -Oh. 357 00:16:09,090 --> 00:16:10,660 Maybe don't say it like that. 358 00:16:10,700 --> 00:16:12,490 Okay. 359 00:16:14,530 --> 00:16:17,010 Tonight is a good night for the other guy, 360 00:16:17,060 --> 00:16:19,150 -not me, to die. 361 00:16:19,190 --> 00:16:20,450 They're here. 362 00:16:20,500 --> 00:16:21,930 Sorry we're late. Sorry we're late. 363 00:16:21,980 --> 00:16:23,280 Bridge was a nightmare. 364 00:16:23,330 --> 00:16:25,280 Hello, mongrels. 365 00:16:25,330 --> 00:16:27,290 -You haunted house bitch! 366 00:16:27,330 --> 00:16:30,250 We meet on the roof of this abandoned Circuit City 367 00:16:30,290 --> 00:16:31,940 in accordance with the protocols 368 00:16:31,990 --> 00:16:34,080 of the Staten Island Lycanthrope-Vampire Agreement 369 00:16:34,120 --> 00:16:35,730 of 1993. 370 00:16:35,770 --> 00:16:38,430 And so it begins. Have you chosen your champion? 371 00:16:38,470 --> 00:16:39,860 Oh, yeah. 372 00:16:39,910 --> 00:16:41,730 -We chose Toby. 373 00:16:41,780 --> 00:16:45,650 -Oh, that is a very big one. -I don't remember this one. 374 00:16:45,700 --> 00:16:48,220 -Is he a new one? -ANGE: Oh, he's a new gigantic werewolf. 375 00:16:48,260 --> 00:16:50,180 This isn't even full-size. 376 00:16:50,220 --> 00:16:51,740 -This is just, like, regular Toby. -NANDOR: Ah... 377 00:16:51,790 --> 00:16:53,220 He-he gets like this big. 378 00:16:53,270 --> 00:16:55,270 LASZLO: Yeah, well, we've got our own champion. 379 00:16:55,310 --> 00:16:59,060 He goes by the name of Nandor the Relentless. 380 00:16:59,100 --> 00:17:01,540 -Hi.-And he's going to mess you up, 381 00:17:01,580 --> 00:17:03,100 Toby. 382 00:17:03,150 --> 00:17:06,110 -Don't antagonize him, Nadja. 383 00:17:06,150 --> 00:17:08,070 You desecrated my vulva garden. 384 00:17:08,110 --> 00:17:10,500 Namely, my mother's vulva. 385 00:17:10,550 --> 00:17:12,940 You turned it brown and wizened. 386 00:17:12,980 --> 00:17:15,120 -NADJA: You made it look like his sister's vulva. -LASZLO: Exactly. 387 00:17:15,160 --> 00:17:17,290 What type of man would endure such an insult 388 00:17:17,340 --> 00:17:19,420 from a pack of filthy werewolf scum? 389 00:17:20,950 --> 00:17:22,340 ARJAN:This is what I'm talking about. 390 00:17:22,380 --> 00:17:24,950 -Let's throw down already. -I'll throw you down. 391 00:17:25,000 --> 00:17:27,350 Sure thing, Downton Abbey, I'll knock you out. 392 00:17:27,390 --> 00:17:29,740 -ARJAN: Okay, let's just take things down a notch 393 00:17:29,780 --> 00:17:31,310 and then fight to the death. 394 00:17:31,350 --> 00:17:32,960 Ah, I don't know. 395 00:17:33,000 --> 00:17:36,010 Is this turkey cut freshly from the breast? 396 00:17:36,050 --> 00:17:38,100 Or is it a preprocessed roll? 397 00:17:38,140 --> 00:17:40,490 All of our meats are actually freshly sliced. 398 00:17:40,530 --> 00:17:42,140 Hmm. 399 00:17:42,190 --> 00:17:43,580 I prefer the roll. 400 00:17:43,620 --> 00:17:45,320 Please don't start. 401 00:17:45,360 --> 00:17:48,150 I don't want to get into anotherargument in public right now. 402 00:17:48,190 --> 00:17:50,150 We got married out of convenience. 403 00:17:50,190 --> 00:17:51,890 I have Munchausen's by proxy. 404 00:17:51,940 --> 00:17:55,110 I tell people he's sick so I feel better. 405 00:17:55,160 --> 00:17:56,330 But then I do get sick. 406 00:17:56,370 --> 00:17:57,980 And when I do get sick, 407 00:17:58,030 --> 00:17:59,510 people don't believe that I'm sick. 408 00:17:59,550 --> 00:18:01,160 Because they know she does 409 00:18:01,210 --> 00:18:03,690 Munchausen by proxy all the time. 410 00:18:03,730 --> 00:18:06,820 Do you guys want to eat your food? 411 00:18:06,860 --> 00:18:08,780 BOTH: We're feeding right now. 412 00:18:13,300 --> 00:18:17,050 Vampires... and werewolves. 413 00:18:17,090 --> 00:18:19,480 This is a fight that has been fought with honor 414 00:18:19,530 --> 00:18:22,230 for a thousand-- I say a thousand-- years. 415 00:18:22,270 --> 00:18:24,270 -And tonight... 416 00:18:24,320 --> 00:18:27,930 I'm not gonna do this if yourman's pissing against the wall. 417 00:18:27,970 --> 00:18:30,410 -Fuck off, you racist. -ANGE: Okay, no. 418 00:18:30,450 --> 00:18:32,190 No more bullshit. We fight. 419 00:18:32,240 --> 00:18:35,720 -I agree with the werewolf slut.-Thank you. 420 00:18:35,760 --> 00:18:37,590 -ARJAN: Do it, Toby. Do it. -ANGE: It's all you, man. 421 00:18:37,630 --> 00:18:39,770 -LASZLO: I'd say surrender, 422 00:18:39,810 --> 00:18:42,990 but it's my mother's vulva we're talking about. 423 00:18:43,030 --> 00:18:44,420 -NANDOR: He's quite big. -Come on, Toby, yeah! 424 00:18:44,470 --> 00:18:46,210 NADJA:Come on, Nandor, you can do it. 425 00:18:46,250 --> 00:18:48,210 We need a new rug for the house. 426 00:18:48,250 --> 00:18:50,210 -LASZLO: Yeah. -NADJA: I thought you 427 00:18:50,250 --> 00:18:52,820 messy beasts didn't do this until there was a full moon. 428 00:18:52,870 --> 00:18:54,870 This guy, he just pictures the moon. 429 00:18:54,910 --> 00:18:56,780 He's got a great imagination. 430 00:18:56,830 --> 00:18:58,390 -Yeah, Toby! 431 00:18:58,440 --> 00:19:00,440 -ARJAN: All right, don't worry, I got that.-It's not a naked fight, is it? 432 00:19:00,480 --> 00:19:02,220 Don't think so, no. 433 00:19:04,700 --> 00:19:06,230 Uh... 434 00:19:06,270 --> 00:19:08,400 LASZLO: You know, we could just... 435 00:19:08,450 --> 00:19:10,060 What about Gizmo? 436 00:19:10,100 --> 00:19:12,450 -LASZLO: Shh! -ARJAN: Who? 437 00:19:12,490 --> 00:19:14,190 Champions, choose your weapons. 438 00:19:14,240 --> 00:19:15,800 No silver. 439 00:19:15,850 --> 00:19:19,460 I will let my esteemed challenger choose first. 440 00:19:19,500 --> 00:19:23,110 -He chooses teeth and claws. 441 00:19:23,160 --> 00:19:25,330 Oh, he's gonna claw that dildo right off your head, man. 442 00:19:25,380 --> 00:19:27,640 -Uh, hey. -Yeah. 443 00:19:27,680 --> 00:19:31,430 Okay. I will choose-- 444 00:19:31,470 --> 00:19:33,470 nunchucks, scimitar-- 445 00:19:33,520 --> 00:19:35,430 -this! -ARJAN: What is it? 446 00:19:35,470 --> 00:19:37,260 -NADJA: Oh, no. -LASZLO: Oh, no. 447 00:19:37,300 --> 00:19:39,090 -NADJA: Nandor. 448 00:19:40,390 --> 00:19:42,700 -Hey! -What? No! Toby, no! 449 00:19:42,740 --> 00:19:44,440 ANGE: No, Toby! 450 00:19:44,480 --> 00:19:47,490 -ARJAN: Oh, oh, God. Toby. -CHAD: What the hell? That's cheating! 451 00:19:47,530 --> 00:19:49,570 -LASZLO: Well played. 452 00:19:49,620 --> 00:19:51,010 -MARCUS: Oh... oh, no. -ANGE: Toby, man. 453 00:19:51,050 --> 00:19:52,620 -MARCUS: Oh, God. -ARJAN: Don't worry, Toby, 454 00:19:52,660 --> 00:19:54,840 -you're gonna heal up just fine, pal. -Did I win? 455 00:19:54,880 --> 00:19:57,370 -I think I won. -ARJAN: Whatever. I guess this one goes 456 00:19:57,410 --> 00:19:58,410 -to the vampires, then. -Okay. 457 00:19:58,450 --> 00:20:00,500 Can you leave us to lick our wounds? 458 00:20:00,540 --> 00:20:04,370 -LASZLO: Okay. -Tob... Toby, don't lick your wounds. 459 00:20:04,420 --> 00:20:05,590 -LASZLO: Bat. -See you back at home. 460 00:20:05,630 --> 00:20:08,290 -No, please don't... 461 00:20:08,330 --> 00:20:09,810 ARJAN: It looks... honestly, it looks better than it did 462 00:20:09,860 --> 00:20:11,290 -five minutes ago already. -DOUGIE: Come on, Toby. 463 00:20:11,340 --> 00:20:13,510 You'll get through this, and then we'll take that trip 464 00:20:13,560 --> 00:20:14,600 -to Saskatoon we've been talking about. -ARJAN: Hey! 465 00:20:14,640 --> 00:20:16,650 -Hey. -Oh, hey, man. 466 00:20:16,690 --> 00:20:19,650 You think we could keep the bone? 467 00:20:19,690 --> 00:20:22,090 -Yeah. Yeah. That-that's okay. -Yeah? 468 00:20:22,130 --> 00:20:23,910 Okay, cool. Cool, guys. All right, guys, spread out. 469 00:20:23,960 --> 00:20:25,610 Let's find that son of a bitch. 470 00:20:25,650 --> 00:20:27,400 ANGE: Mind where you're walking. 471 00:20:27,440 --> 00:20:30,490 If you hear a squeak,you may have stepped on the toy. 472 00:20:30,530 --> 00:20:32,920 ARJAN: I'll stay with Toby. He's gonna be fine. 473 00:20:32,970 --> 00:20:35,970 -He's healing already. 474 00:20:38,580 --> 00:20:42,060 COLIN: Dating Evie is never dull. 475 00:20:42,110 --> 00:20:44,110 She certainly knows 476 00:20:44,150 --> 00:20:46,070 how to get people's attention. 477 00:20:46,110 --> 00:20:48,370 -Evie. 478 00:20:48,420 --> 00:20:53,200 COLIN: Whether it be fainting or car troubles. 479 00:20:53,250 --> 00:20:55,290 A lot of things happen 480 00:20:55,340 --> 00:20:57,770 to her and her cat. 481 00:20:57,820 --> 00:20:59,120 ♪ Someone...♪ 482 00:20:59,170 --> 00:21:01,210 EVIE: As many of you know, 483 00:21:01,260 --> 00:21:03,210 I've been paying out of pocket 484 00:21:03,260 --> 00:21:05,350 for my cat's glaucoma treatment, 485 00:21:05,390 --> 00:21:10,220 and the expenses have entirely wiped my savings. 486 00:21:10,260 --> 00:21:11,740 COLIN: Since I've met her, she's had 487 00:21:11,790 --> 00:21:14,310 at least six pairs of grandparents die. 488 00:21:14,360 --> 00:21:17,880 ...looks like I'm gonna be sleeping in my cubicle 489 00:21:17,920 --> 00:21:20,970 -until further notice. -No... 490 00:21:21,010 --> 00:21:23,710 I asked my boyfriend, Colin, if I could stay with him. 491 00:21:23,760 --> 00:21:25,540 ARNIE: What did he say? 492 00:21:25,580 --> 00:21:27,320 EVIE: He said he's not ready f-for that. 493 00:21:27,370 --> 00:21:29,410 ARNIE: Oh, my God. 494 00:21:29,460 --> 00:21:32,370 EVIE:I haven't used that credit cardin six months. 495 00:21:32,420 --> 00:21:33,680 I'll call you back. 496 00:21:33,720 --> 00:21:35,380 Oh. 497 00:21:35,420 --> 00:21:38,420 -Hi, Evie. -Hi. 498 00:21:40,860 --> 00:21:43,380 Um, listen, 499 00:21:43,430 --> 00:21:46,470 these last few weeks have been wonderful. 500 00:21:46,520 --> 00:21:49,040 I, uh... I didn't know 501 00:21:49,090 --> 00:21:52,610 I could feel such depth of emotion. 502 00:21:52,650 --> 00:21:55,830 Or utter, utter suffering. 503 00:21:55,870 --> 00:21:59,270 But I don't think this is healthy. 504 00:21:59,310 --> 00:22:02,580 -Oh, Colin. -I-I'm sorry. 505 00:22:02,620 --> 00:22:05,360 I wish you nothing but continued success 506 00:22:05,410 --> 00:22:08,540 feeding on the addle-brained cattle 507 00:22:08,580 --> 00:22:11,150 that waste their lives around us, 508 00:22:11,190 --> 00:22:15,590 but I can't be around us any-anymore. 509 00:22:15,630 --> 00:22:17,590 If you leave me, I'll... 510 00:22:17,640 --> 00:22:19,420 I'll kill myself. 511 00:22:19,460 --> 00:22:22,470 I'll do it. I don't have anything to live for 512 00:22:22,510 --> 00:22:23,860 if I don't have you. 513 00:22:23,900 --> 00:22:26,560 That's not true. You do, Evie. 514 00:22:26,600 --> 00:22:28,990 You have so much more life 515 00:22:29,040 --> 00:22:31,610 to take out of these morons. 516 00:22:31,650 --> 00:22:33,350 Come here, we'll figure this out. 517 00:22:37,700 --> 00:22:39,880 Y-You couldn't help yourself, could you? 518 00:22:39,920 --> 00:22:42,490 I just wanted one last taste. 519 00:22:43,620 --> 00:22:45,270 Goodbye, Evie Russell. 520 00:22:45,320 --> 00:22:47,620 Goodbye, Colin Robinson. 521 00:22:49,670 --> 00:22:52,100 Colin, don't leave me. 522 00:22:52,150 --> 00:22:55,460 I'm just kidding, you can... 523 00:22:55,500 --> 00:22:57,550 Colin. 524 00:22:57,590 --> 00:22:59,980 You can go. 525 00:23:00,030 --> 00:23:02,460 Please. 526 00:23:02,510 --> 00:23:04,510 But... 527 00:23:07,120 --> 00:23:10,080 Hi. I'm sorry, my boyfriend just broke up with me. 528 00:23:11,690 --> 00:23:13,780 Yes, I'm calling about my dry cleaning. 529 00:23:13,820 --> 00:23:16,480 There we are, Mother. 530 00:23:16,520 --> 00:23:18,040 You're looking beautiful again. 531 00:23:18,090 --> 00:23:20,480 Or, as Beethoven used to say, 532 00:23:20,520 --> 00:23:23,660 "Die Busche werden sich nicht schneiden." 533 00:23:23,700 --> 00:23:26,620 These bushes won't trim themselves. 534 00:23:26,660 --> 00:23:28,100 But there, again-- 535 00:23:28,140 --> 00:23:31,270 he was always saying shit like that. 536 00:23:31,320 --> 00:23:34,320 ♪ Please turn to me♪ 537 00:23:34,360 --> 00:23:37,320 ♪ More and more♪ 538 00:23:37,370 --> 00:23:41,630 ♪ You are the one♪ 539 00:23:41,680 --> 00:23:44,290 ♪ That I adore♪ 540 00:23:44,330 --> 00:23:48,290 ♪ Little sad eyes♪ 541 00:23:48,330 --> 00:23:53,300 ♪ Don't be lonely anymore♪ 542 00:23:55,340 --> 00:23:58,300 ♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh♪ 543 00:23:58,340 --> 00:24:03,310 ♪ Little sad eyes♪ 544 00:24:03,350 --> 00:24:06,310 ♪ Don't be lonely anymore.♪ 545 00:24:11,360 --> 00:24:13,320 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH 546 00:24:15,750 --> 00:24:19,500 I'm what's known as a psychic or energy vampire. 547 00:24:19,540 --> 00:24:21,410 -We either bore you... -I'm better now. 548 00:24:21,460 --> 00:24:22,890 I was a little sick this weekend. 549 00:24:22,930 --> 00:24:24,330 Or we enrage you. 550 00:24:26,630 --> 00:24:27,900 ANNOUNCER: What We Do in the Shadows, 551 00:24:27,940 --> 00:24:30,120 all new Wednesdays at 10:00 on FX. 552 00:24:31,640 --> 00:24:33,550 How did this happen? Uh! 553 00:24:35,690 --> 00:24:37,170 Have you been under a lot of stress lately? 554 00:24:37,210 --> 00:24:39,520 There's mean-girl issues with my youngest, 555 00:24:39,560 --> 00:24:41,080 and birth control with my oldest. 556 00:24:41,130 --> 00:24:42,910 My boyfriend broke up with me. 557 00:24:42,950 --> 00:24:44,610 -Which one? -Um... 558 00:24:44,650 --> 00:24:46,570 -And some mornings, I just...-Oh, my God. 559 00:24:48,050 --> 00:24:50,400 Fun mom! Hey! 560 00:24:50,440 --> 00:24:52,700 Can you please arrange for a pleasant dream while I'm under? 561 00:24:52,750 --> 00:24:55,620 -It's my specialty, dear. -Guess what my specialty is. 562 00:24:56,710 --> 00:24:58,400 ANNOUNCER: Better Things. 563 00:24:58,450 --> 00:25:01,020 All new Thursdays at 10:00 on FX. 564 00:25:12,200 --> 00:25:13,460 Again. 565 00:25:13,510 --> 00:25:17,380 Fosse/Verdon. All new, Tuesdays at 10:00 on FX.