1 00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:03,170 -(drumbeat) -(clapping) 2 00:00:05,400 --> 00:00:07,140 -(rhythmic breathing) -(drumroll, fanfare) 3 00:00:07,170 --> 00:00:10,770 ANNOUNCER: Fosse/Verdon. All new, Tuesdays at 10:00 on FX. 4 00:00:12,010 --> 00:00:15,040 ANNOUNCER: FX presents What We Do in the Shadows. 5 00:00:19,010 --> 00:00:20,480 NADJA: Are we almost there? 6 00:00:20,520 --> 00:00:23,650 All this walking and walking and walking, Guillermo, 7 00:00:23,690 --> 00:00:25,650 do you never tire of it? 8 00:00:25,690 --> 00:00:27,220 Screw this. I'm flying. 9 00:00:27,260 --> 00:00:29,260 Who's with me? Bat! 10 00:00:29,290 --> 00:00:31,390 NADJA: He doesn't have the address, so, you know... 11 00:00:31,430 --> 00:00:33,130 I don't have the address. 12 00:00:34,400 --> 00:00:35,560 Vampires love virgins. 13 00:00:35,600 --> 00:00:37,270 It's their favorite food. 14 00:00:37,300 --> 00:00:39,400 And, um, I've managed to find a group 15 00:00:39,440 --> 00:00:42,410 with an extremely high ratio of virgins. 16 00:00:42,440 --> 00:00:44,340 So, LARPing, as you probably know, 17 00:00:44,370 --> 00:00:46,580 stands for Live Action Role-Playing. 18 00:00:46,610 --> 00:00:48,180 You will give me the scroll, 19 00:00:48,210 --> 00:00:50,610 or you will taste the wrath of my pike. 20 00:00:50,650 --> 00:00:51,950 JENNA: Some people think that 21 00:00:51,980 --> 00:00:53,750 we kind of mix up reality. 22 00:00:53,780 --> 00:00:55,180 Don't worry, we're well aware. 23 00:00:55,220 --> 00:00:57,790 Um, we know it isn't real. 24 00:00:57,820 --> 00:00:59,390 No, it's real. 25 00:00:59,420 --> 00:01:00,620 Yeah. 26 00:01:00,660 --> 00:01:02,930 Roll for intimidation. 27 00:01:02,960 --> 00:01:04,260 (dice clattering) 28 00:01:04,290 --> 00:01:05,460 JONATHAN: Negative for intimidation. 29 00:01:05,490 --> 00:01:07,060 KYLE: Roll again. 30 00:01:07,100 --> 00:01:10,770 Well, obviously they are all virgins, so good work there. 31 00:01:10,800 --> 00:01:12,570 Thank you, Master. 32 00:01:12,600 --> 00:01:15,870 Shh! Guillermo! You'll spook the virgins! 33 00:01:15,900 --> 00:01:17,670 Your accent! 34 00:01:19,070 --> 00:01:20,440 -I will join. -One. 35 00:01:20,480 --> 00:01:21,880 -I will join. -Two. 36 00:01:21,910 --> 00:01:23,150 Yes! 37 00:01:23,180 --> 00:01:24,780 SHANICE: Jenelf has volunteered, sire. 38 00:01:24,810 --> 00:01:28,480 No. Jenelf has but 23 hit points. 39 00:01:28,520 --> 00:01:30,490 -You still have enough points. -All who agree Jenelf 40 00:01:30,520 --> 00:01:33,490 does not have enough points to come on the quest, say "aye." 41 00:01:33,520 --> 00:01:34,790 Aye. 42 00:01:34,820 --> 00:01:36,490 OTHERS: Aye. 43 00:01:36,530 --> 00:01:38,490 Why do they ignore the little female one? 44 00:01:38,530 --> 00:01:40,500 Perhaps it is part of their game. 45 00:01:40,530 --> 00:01:42,670 They pretend she's invisible? 46 00:01:42,700 --> 00:01:44,230 KYLE: You call this a sojourner's tavern? 47 00:01:44,270 --> 00:01:46,670 Your mead tastes like griffin piss. 48 00:01:46,700 --> 00:01:47,970 (spits) 49 00:01:49,000 --> 00:01:50,440 I don't want these virgins. 50 00:01:50,470 --> 00:01:52,580 They are going to taste too sad. 51 00:01:52,610 --> 00:01:54,180 -Oh, come on. -Let's just eat the mean one. 52 00:01:54,210 --> 00:01:55,980 No, I know what you're bloody like. 53 00:01:56,010 --> 00:01:57,950 If you eat the mean one, you're gonna be mean all evening. 54 00:01:57,980 --> 00:01:59,820 No, thank you. This is a bowl of rotten fruit! 55 00:01:59,850 --> 00:02:02,650 All right, I think you need to calm down, my beauty. 56 00:02:02,690 --> 00:02:04,990 -Coming? -In a moment. 57 00:02:07,390 --> 00:02:08,990 -JONATHAN: Sorry, Jen. -SHANICE: Sorry. 58 00:02:11,960 --> 00:02:14,100 Be strong, sweet little one. 59 00:02:14,130 --> 00:02:16,200 Someday they will all be dead, 60 00:02:16,230 --> 00:02:19,030 and you will do a shit on all of their graves. 61 00:02:19,070 --> 00:02:20,800 ("You're Dead" by Norma Tanega playing) 62 00:02:22,470 --> 00:02:24,970 * Don't sing if you want to live long * 63 00:02:25,010 --> 00:02:27,480 * They have no use for your song * 64 00:02:27,510 --> 00:02:30,110 * You're dead, you're dead, you're dead * 65 00:02:30,150 --> 00:02:32,520 * You're dead and out of this world * 66 00:02:34,580 --> 00:02:37,620 * Now your hope and compassion is gone * 67 00:02:37,650 --> 00:02:40,360 * You sold out your dream to the world * 68 00:02:40,390 --> 00:02:42,690 * Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead * 69 00:02:42,730 --> 00:02:44,830 * You're dead and out of this world. * 70 00:02:54,940 --> 00:02:56,370 (ship horn blows) 71 00:02:56,410 --> 00:02:58,570 NANDOR: Recently, we've had a very powerful 72 00:02:58,610 --> 00:03:02,250 and ancient vampire move into the house, and it's 73 00:03:02,280 --> 00:03:03,880 made things a little... 74 00:03:03,910 --> 00:03:05,410 challenging. 75 00:03:05,450 --> 00:03:07,220 (roaring) 76 00:03:07,250 --> 00:03:09,420 The Baron has charged us with the task 77 00:03:09,450 --> 00:03:12,020 of taking power over the New World. 78 00:03:12,050 --> 00:03:14,490 He expected us to have conquered the New World, 79 00:03:14,520 --> 00:03:16,530 but I don't remember him ever mentioning it. 80 00:03:16,560 --> 00:03:18,090 NADJA: I just remembered, 81 00:03:18,130 --> 00:03:20,500 the last time me and the Baron were making love, 82 00:03:20,530 --> 00:03:22,900 he said something to me. 83 00:03:22,930 --> 00:03:25,600 "If you ever get to the New World, my dear, 84 00:03:25,630 --> 00:03:28,040 "take over the land and subjugate the entire population, 85 00:03:28,070 --> 00:03:29,770 otherwise I'll have your head." 86 00:03:29,810 --> 00:03:31,610 But I couldn't pay attention, 87 00:03:31,640 --> 00:03:34,680 because he was doing that thing where he pays a lot of attention 88 00:03:34,710 --> 00:03:36,180 -to your area. -His thing is, 89 00:03:36,210 --> 00:03:38,710 he's got this irritating habit of giving you orders 90 00:03:38,750 --> 00:03:40,580 just at the moment of climax. 91 00:03:40,620 --> 00:03:43,050 So you're both there in the moment, and then... 92 00:03:43,090 --> 00:03:45,590 he barks an order, and you're, "Huh? What?" 93 00:03:45,620 --> 00:03:47,560 "Uh... what?" 94 00:03:47,590 --> 00:03:49,430 Nothing. 95 00:03:49,460 --> 00:03:50,730 "I beg your pardon?" 96 00:03:50,760 --> 00:03:52,300 (high-pitched); "What are you saying?" 97 00:03:52,330 --> 00:03:54,300 And he never repeats what he said. 98 00:03:54,330 --> 00:03:57,630 Expects you to have listened, during the climax. 99 00:03:57,670 --> 00:04:01,100 So I guess we conquering the New World now. 100 00:04:02,740 --> 00:04:05,310 Extend arm... and dust. 101 00:04:05,340 --> 00:04:07,040 Careful of the spider house. 102 00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:09,780 You wouldn't like it if a spider came and dusted 103 00:04:09,810 --> 00:04:12,210 -your house, would you, Guillermo? -Guess not. 104 00:04:12,250 --> 00:04:13,750 (gasps) 105 00:04:13,780 --> 00:04:16,080 GUILLERMO: The worst part about having 106 00:04:16,120 --> 00:04:18,650 the Baron stay with us is the Baron's familiar. 107 00:04:18,690 --> 00:04:21,060 She's so... creepy. 108 00:04:21,090 --> 00:04:22,730 Oh! 109 00:04:22,760 --> 00:04:26,230 GUILLERMO: She's got everyone on edge, popping up behind doors, 110 00:04:26,260 --> 00:04:27,930 behind bushes. 111 00:04:27,960 --> 00:04:30,130 (whispering): She can hear everything we say. 112 00:04:30,170 --> 00:04:31,930 Everything. 113 00:04:35,040 --> 00:04:37,070 She's worse than Guillermo. 114 00:04:37,110 --> 00:04:39,310 Always there. 115 00:04:43,980 --> 00:04:46,620 -Why the hell are we meeting in the fancy... -Shh! 116 00:04:46,650 --> 00:04:49,850 Why are we meeting in the fancy room and not in the library? 117 00:04:49,890 --> 00:04:51,990 Because this is a secret meeting. 118 00:04:52,020 --> 00:04:54,820 All secret meetings take place in the fancy room. 119 00:04:54,860 --> 00:04:55,960 (curtains close) 120 00:05:00,700 --> 00:05:02,370 Do you want to pull the curtains a little bit louder? 121 00:05:02,400 --> 00:05:03,430 It got stuck. 122 00:05:03,470 --> 00:05:05,430 -Sorry? -It got stuck. 123 00:05:05,470 --> 00:05:06,640 (sighs) 124 00:05:06,670 --> 00:05:09,770 Now, the Baron's specific plan 125 00:05:09,810 --> 00:05:11,340 was that we are to conquer 126 00:05:11,370 --> 00:05:12,980 -North America. -He actually said, 127 00:05:13,010 --> 00:05:16,280 -"the New World." -No, he specified Staten Island. 128 00:05:16,310 --> 00:05:18,550 No, the entirety of North America. 129 00:05:18,580 --> 00:05:19,850 Then that would include Canada. 130 00:05:19,880 --> 00:05:21,680 What the fuck would anyone want with Canada? 131 00:05:21,720 --> 00:05:24,350 Apparently, there is a very active trade 132 00:05:24,390 --> 00:05:25,850 -in beaver pelts. -Oh. 133 00:05:25,890 --> 00:05:27,390 That was hundreds of years ago, Master. 134 00:05:27,420 --> 00:05:28,690 Guillermo, don't talk. 135 00:05:28,720 --> 00:05:30,290 Where was I? Yes. 136 00:05:30,330 --> 00:05:33,160 We need a plan for total domination. 137 00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:36,530 We could poison the humans' milks with witch's piss. 138 00:05:36,570 --> 00:05:39,400 -Uh, how would that work? -We could assassinate the king. 139 00:05:39,440 --> 00:05:41,870 -We don't have a king in America. -Even easier. 140 00:05:41,900 --> 00:05:43,540 NADJA: This is too much to ask. 141 00:05:43,570 --> 00:05:45,840 What a big bloody cheeky jerk, coming here, 142 00:05:45,870 --> 00:05:47,740 telling us to take over the whole of Staten Island 143 00:05:47,780 --> 00:05:50,580 just by ourselves, while I bet he's having 144 00:05:50,610 --> 00:05:52,520 a lovely bloody nap up there! I hope he's resting well! 145 00:05:52,550 --> 00:05:54,220 You want me to come sing you a lullaby?! 146 00:05:54,250 --> 00:05:56,150 -Nadja, no. -Silly boy. -NANDOR: Nadja, don't... 147 00:05:56,180 --> 00:05:57,590 -don't raise your voice. -LASZLO: That's very risky. 148 00:05:57,620 --> 00:05:59,250 -Woof! -NANDOR: Shh! We are not alone 149 00:05:59,290 --> 00:06:01,260 in this house. 150 00:06:01,290 --> 00:06:03,090 Guillermo, check the curtain. 151 00:06:03,130 --> 00:06:05,690 Make sure she is not eavesdropping on us. 152 00:06:07,760 --> 00:06:10,000 -Hello. -(others groaning) 153 00:06:10,030 --> 00:06:12,170 COLIN: I was just eavesdropping behind the curtain there. 154 00:06:12,200 --> 00:06:13,540 Secret meeting, huh? 155 00:06:13,570 --> 00:06:15,170 -No. -Uh-uh. 156 00:06:15,200 --> 00:06:16,710 What were you guys talking about? Can I join? 157 00:06:16,740 --> 00:06:18,170 NADJA: No. So sorry. 158 00:06:18,210 --> 00:06:20,040 We're planning your, um... 159 00:06:20,080 --> 00:06:22,410 -surprise party. -NANDOR: Yeah. 160 00:06:22,450 --> 00:06:24,250 COLIN: Oh. A surprise party, huh? 161 00:06:24,280 --> 00:06:25,450 OTHERS: Mm-hmm. 162 00:06:25,480 --> 00:06:27,880 Well, it's not much of a surprise now, is it? 163 00:06:27,920 --> 00:06:30,620 You know, if-if the fun part of the party 164 00:06:30,650 --> 00:06:33,260 is that it's a surprise, 165 00:06:33,290 --> 00:06:35,360 and you eliminate... 166 00:06:35,390 --> 00:06:37,860 all element of surprise, 167 00:06:37,890 --> 00:06:40,760 then it just becomes a party, right? 168 00:06:40,800 --> 00:06:42,260 -Eh... -So, tell me 169 00:06:42,300 --> 00:06:44,470 what's really going on, because, frankly-- 170 00:06:44,500 --> 00:06:46,400 let's be honest-- you've never even thought 171 00:06:46,440 --> 00:06:48,100 of throwing a party for me, 172 00:06:48,140 --> 00:06:50,740 -have you? -NADJA: The Baron wants us 173 00:06:50,770 --> 00:06:52,610 to take over the land, 174 00:06:52,640 --> 00:06:55,810 -at least Staten Island. -Well, it sounds like you want 175 00:06:55,840 --> 00:06:57,810 to talk to the local leaders. 176 00:06:57,850 --> 00:06:59,110 -Yeah. -Yes. 177 00:06:59,150 --> 00:07:00,780 Okay, well, I-I can help with that. 178 00:07:00,820 --> 00:07:02,790 -NANDOR: You can? -I know exactly who you need 179 00:07:02,820 --> 00:07:04,790 -to talk to and where to go. -NANDOR: Show us the way, 180 00:07:04,820 --> 00:07:06,320 Colin Robinson. 181 00:07:06,350 --> 00:07:08,660 Let our journey to total domination 182 00:07:08,690 --> 00:07:11,360 begin this very evening! 183 00:07:15,460 --> 00:07:17,930 Perhaps you could just give us the destination, 184 00:07:17,970 --> 00:07:20,770 and we could fly ahead and meet you there, Colin Robinson. 185 00:07:20,800 --> 00:07:23,410 It's kind of hard to find. 186 00:07:23,440 --> 00:07:25,840 You know, I actually don't mind 187 00:07:25,870 --> 00:07:28,080 taking the bus. 188 00:07:28,110 --> 00:07:29,680 Everyone kind of focuses on 189 00:07:29,710 --> 00:07:33,020 the "day" part of "daywalker," 190 00:07:33,050 --> 00:07:36,920 but actually, no one focuses on the "walker" part. 191 00:07:36,950 --> 00:07:39,320 You know, there's a lot of walking... 192 00:07:39,350 --> 00:07:41,120 Bat. 193 00:07:43,890 --> 00:07:46,700 They're never gonna be able to find the place. 194 00:07:46,730 --> 00:07:48,630 COLIN: Of course, you can always have buses 195 00:07:48,660 --> 00:07:50,830 that are one-tier, two-tier, 196 00:07:50,870 --> 00:07:52,870 but you never see three-tier buses. 197 00:07:52,900 --> 00:07:55,570 They would be hit when they go under bridges. 198 00:07:58,170 --> 00:08:01,310 I appreciate, uh, your perspective, Mr. Chapman, 199 00:08:01,340 --> 00:08:03,110 but the zoning ordinance... 200 00:08:03,150 --> 00:08:06,010 These are the ones who rule over the local peasants? 201 00:08:06,050 --> 00:08:08,980 -Yes. Isn't this wonderful? -No. 202 00:08:09,020 --> 00:08:10,190 Is it a wrestling pit? 203 00:08:10,220 --> 00:08:12,220 No. No. Just-just watch. 204 00:08:12,250 --> 00:08:14,520 -But when does the wrestling start? -Never. 205 00:08:14,560 --> 00:08:17,030 You're recognized, Mr. Peterson. 206 00:08:17,060 --> 00:08:18,960 Uh, according to the statute, if Mr. Chapman's residence 207 00:08:18,990 --> 00:08:20,560 was originally zoned 208 00:08:20,600 --> 00:08:23,030 as a mixed-use or multiple-dwelling structure... 209 00:08:23,070 --> 00:08:24,530 I come here every week. 210 00:08:24,570 --> 00:08:27,470 It's a smorgasbord of... banality and despair. 211 00:08:27,500 --> 00:08:29,500 BARBARA: Mr. Robinson? You're next up. 212 00:08:29,540 --> 00:08:31,970 -Is Mr. Robinson here? -I'm just gonna do a quick mega-feed, 213 00:08:32,010 --> 00:08:33,340 and then I'll be right back. 214 00:08:33,380 --> 00:08:35,010 BARBARA: Mr. Robinson, are you here? 215 00:08:35,040 --> 00:08:37,480 I'm holding up a finger indicating to hold on a second. 216 00:08:37,510 --> 00:08:38,750 Uh, I'll be right back. 217 00:08:38,780 --> 00:08:40,680 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 218 00:08:44,550 --> 00:08:47,320 (microphone feedback) 219 00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:49,420 (amplified creaking) 220 00:08:49,460 --> 00:08:52,390 COLIN: Council. Uh, Madam President. 221 00:08:52,430 --> 00:08:54,230 When it comes to zoning ordinances, 222 00:08:54,260 --> 00:08:56,430 I have a few thoughts. 223 00:08:56,460 --> 00:08:58,700 "Ordinance." What does it mean? 224 00:08:58,730 --> 00:09:00,700 Webster's Unabridged Dictionary 225 00:09:00,740 --> 00:09:02,940 defines "ordinance" as an "authoritative..." 226 00:09:02,970 --> 00:09:05,770 We will here demand our power. 227 00:09:05,810 --> 00:09:07,440 We have come up with a list of all the things 228 00:09:07,480 --> 00:09:10,680 we would like to change once the vampires are in charge. 229 00:09:10,710 --> 00:09:13,780 I'd like to see the construction of a huge opaque dome 230 00:09:13,820 --> 00:09:16,280 the size of the city, 231 00:09:16,320 --> 00:09:20,420 covering the city, and blocking out all sunlight. 232 00:09:20,460 --> 00:09:22,690 No noise during daylight hours. 233 00:09:22,730 --> 00:09:26,700 All local churches to destroy their crucifixes. 234 00:09:26,730 --> 00:09:28,560 A total ban on turtlenecks. 235 00:09:28,600 --> 00:09:30,570 A vampire-only television channel. 236 00:09:30,600 --> 00:09:32,130 I would like for me, personally, 237 00:09:32,170 --> 00:09:34,270 my favorite comedy, Priests Falling Over. 238 00:09:34,300 --> 00:09:37,940 Free but compulsory harpsichord concerts 239 00:09:37,970 --> 00:09:39,910 every day of the week. 240 00:09:39,940 --> 00:09:42,610 We would have nun-free zones with a sign that says: 241 00:09:42,650 --> 00:09:46,550 "No Nuns. No Nuns. None." 242 00:09:46,580 --> 00:09:49,480 COLIN: So, in closing, hopefully next week, 243 00:09:49,520 --> 00:09:52,760 I can, uh, provide a little bit more clarity, 244 00:09:52,790 --> 00:09:54,760 uh, as to the direction 245 00:09:54,790 --> 00:09:57,630 I feel like, uh, our zoning laws should go. 246 00:09:57,660 --> 00:09:59,730 Thank you so much. 247 00:09:59,760 --> 00:10:02,100 BARBARA: Thank you, Mr. Robinson. 248 00:10:02,130 --> 00:10:03,970 Is Mr., uh, 249 00:10:04,000 --> 00:10:05,470 Nandor? 250 00:10:05,500 --> 00:10:07,140 Mr. Nandor? 251 00:10:07,170 --> 00:10:08,270 Yes. 252 00:10:08,300 --> 00:10:09,970 (quietly): I got this. 253 00:10:14,180 --> 00:10:16,480 -Greetings, mortals. -(microphone feedback) 254 00:10:16,510 --> 00:10:18,010 I will make this quick. 255 00:10:18,050 --> 00:10:21,480 I, Nandor the Relentless, 256 00:10:21,520 --> 00:10:23,820 conqueror of thousands, 257 00:10:23,850 --> 00:10:25,490 immortal warrior 258 00:10:25,520 --> 00:10:28,660 who has twice turned the Euphrates itself 259 00:10:28,690 --> 00:10:30,490 red with blood, 260 00:10:30,530 --> 00:10:34,700 hereby demand the complete and total supplication 261 00:10:34,730 --> 00:10:38,170 of this governing body to my command! 262 00:10:39,200 --> 00:10:43,340 Submit and receive mercy. 263 00:10:43,370 --> 00:10:44,770 Resist... 264 00:10:44,810 --> 00:10:47,780 and only death awaits. 265 00:10:47,810 --> 00:10:49,710 (man coughs) 266 00:10:51,910 --> 00:10:55,550 Thank you for your input, uh, Mr. Nandor... 267 00:10:55,580 --> 00:10:56,950 He's blown it. 268 00:10:56,990 --> 00:10:59,550 Hasn't even mentioned the turtlenecks. 269 00:10:59,590 --> 00:11:00,990 ...to zoning ordinances, 270 00:11:01,020 --> 00:11:03,560 but if you would like to return... 271 00:11:03,590 --> 00:11:05,530 -Yes. -when we have a... 272 00:11:05,560 --> 00:11:08,530 Yes, I would very much like to-to return then. 273 00:11:08,560 --> 00:11:10,130 -When we have an open session, -Great. 274 00:11:10,170 --> 00:11:11,730 you are entirely welcome to join. 275 00:11:11,770 --> 00:11:13,970 Fantastic. Great. When would that be? 276 00:11:14,000 --> 00:11:15,300 In about two months. 277 00:11:15,340 --> 00:11:18,140 But if you access our website-- 278 00:11:18,170 --> 00:11:19,410 uh, do you have a computer? 279 00:11:19,440 --> 00:11:21,140 That will be the perfect time 280 00:11:21,180 --> 00:11:22,580 -for you to speak. -Great. Fantastic. 281 00:11:22,610 --> 00:11:24,210 I live on Tanglewood, 282 00:11:24,250 --> 00:11:26,920 and the bar on the ground floor below my apartment... 283 00:11:26,950 --> 00:11:29,650 LASZLO: How best to describe Nandor? I would say that 284 00:11:29,680 --> 00:11:32,820 he's blessedly unburdened with the complications 285 00:11:32,860 --> 00:11:35,020 of a university education. 286 00:11:35,060 --> 00:11:38,390 But give him an ax, and he's second to none. 287 00:11:38,430 --> 00:11:40,930 Though you wouldn't want him as your barrister. 288 00:11:40,960 --> 00:11:42,700 Ha! 289 00:11:42,730 --> 00:11:44,930 Don't let him fucking see this. 290 00:11:47,700 --> 00:11:49,840 LASZLO: So, their leader is the Lazarro shrew? 291 00:11:49,870 --> 00:11:51,270 COLIN: Correct. 292 00:11:51,310 --> 00:11:53,780 Where lies Barbara Lazarro's weakest point? 293 00:11:53,810 --> 00:11:55,380 Oh, her Achilles' heel? 294 00:11:55,410 --> 00:11:57,710 So it's her foot? Well, that's simple. 295 00:11:57,750 --> 00:12:00,720 -I know exactly what to do. -I meant in Greek mythology, 296 00:12:00,750 --> 00:12:02,720 there's a human who's held by his... 297 00:12:02,750 --> 00:12:04,620 Stop talking. Who would you say 298 00:12:04,650 --> 00:12:07,420 is the most powerful member of that group? 299 00:12:07,460 --> 00:12:08,960 Well, Ms. Lazarro. But Doug Peterson 300 00:12:08,990 --> 00:12:11,630 is looking to unseat her in the upcoming election. 301 00:12:11,660 --> 00:12:13,200 Some people think he has a chance. 302 00:12:13,230 --> 00:12:15,060 -The streak of piss with a case? -COLIN: Yeah. 303 00:12:15,100 --> 00:12:18,230 Shall we kill him as a warning? 304 00:12:18,270 --> 00:12:21,300 No. Let's use him as a pawn, 305 00:12:21,340 --> 00:12:24,040 but then I will visit Barbara Lazarro 306 00:12:24,070 --> 00:12:26,780 -under cover of night. -Yeah! 307 00:12:26,810 --> 00:12:27,810 (chuckling) 308 00:12:27,840 --> 00:12:29,610 Where's Nadja? 309 00:12:30,650 --> 00:12:32,610 (bat squeaking) 310 00:12:32,650 --> 00:12:34,480 Hello, cheeky little one. 311 00:12:34,520 --> 00:12:36,950 Out having some fun, are we? 312 00:12:36,990 --> 00:12:40,220 -Uh, not really. -Oh, no. 313 00:12:40,260 --> 00:12:41,960 NADJA: I remember how it feels 314 00:12:41,990 --> 00:12:43,830 to be powerless and disrespected. 315 00:12:43,860 --> 00:12:47,060 Back home in my village, I had many strikes against me. 316 00:12:47,100 --> 00:12:50,730 I was a woman, and I had Gypsy blood, and we were so poor 317 00:12:50,770 --> 00:12:53,440 that we used to use donkey dung for fuel, 318 00:12:53,470 --> 00:12:55,440 and when the donkey dung ran out, 319 00:12:55,470 --> 00:12:57,810 we would have to burn the donkey. 320 00:12:57,840 --> 00:13:00,410 So yes, I do know what it feels like 321 00:13:00,440 --> 00:13:02,410 to be mocked and teased 322 00:13:02,440 --> 00:13:04,580 and to cry myself to sleep at night 323 00:13:04,610 --> 00:13:07,080 by the light of a burning donkey. 324 00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:08,950 Are those little dogshits not giving you 325 00:13:08,980 --> 00:13:10,990 the deep respect you deserve? 326 00:13:11,020 --> 00:13:12,960 Yeah. 327 00:13:12,990 --> 00:13:16,960 Come. Let's walk and talk about what the future could be like 328 00:13:16,990 --> 00:13:19,690 for the new Jenna. 329 00:13:19,730 --> 00:13:22,360 LASZLO: Now, my plan is to win the trust of Barbara Lazarro. 330 00:13:22,400 --> 00:13:23,630 Am I devious? 331 00:13:23,670 --> 00:13:25,370 Yes, I think I am. 332 00:13:25,400 --> 00:13:27,100 But as the old saying goes, 333 00:13:27,140 --> 00:13:29,670 I didn't come here to make friends. 334 00:13:29,700 --> 00:13:31,140 That's bullshit. 335 00:13:31,170 --> 00:13:33,180 That's exactly what I came here to do. 336 00:13:33,210 --> 00:13:35,980 -Uh, yes? -Good evening, Madam Lazarro. 337 00:13:36,010 --> 00:13:38,610 My name is Laszlo Cravensworth. 338 00:13:38,650 --> 00:13:39,950 And who do we have here? 339 00:13:39,980 --> 00:13:42,180 Oh, I'm watching my little granddaughter for the night. 340 00:13:42,220 --> 00:13:44,690 What a lovely little nibble she would be. 341 00:13:44,720 --> 00:13:47,290 I'm sorry, do I know you? 342 00:13:47,320 --> 00:13:48,490 Well, you do now. 343 00:13:48,520 --> 00:13:50,530 And may I say you are a credit 344 00:13:50,560 --> 00:13:52,830 to the women's suffragette movement. 345 00:13:52,860 --> 00:13:55,960 And you're also very easy on the eye. 346 00:13:56,000 --> 00:13:57,730 And I'm glad to see your foot injury 347 00:13:57,770 --> 00:13:59,370 -isn't slowing you down. -My what? 348 00:13:59,400 --> 00:14:00,500 Your foot. 349 00:14:00,540 --> 00:14:03,970 Now, I come to you with a warning. 350 00:14:04,010 --> 00:14:07,180 Those who you trust cannot be trusted. 351 00:14:07,210 --> 00:14:09,510 -But I am here to help you with that. -Now, if-if this is 352 00:14:09,540 --> 00:14:13,320 borough council-related, I have regular office hours. 353 00:14:13,350 --> 00:14:17,520 If there is a stone, so to speak, in your shoe 354 00:14:17,550 --> 00:14:20,220 that needs eliminating... 355 00:14:20,260 --> 00:14:23,260 I-I mean, the... the raccoon population is out of control. 356 00:14:23,290 --> 00:14:27,030 Saw three of them in my garbage can this morning. Three. 357 00:14:27,060 --> 00:14:30,770 -It's a nightmare. -Really? I do like a direct woman. 358 00:14:33,570 --> 00:14:34,900 You know, I... 359 00:14:34,940 --> 00:14:36,570 (baby fussing) 360 00:14:36,600 --> 00:14:39,170 I really do have to get Emily here, um, 361 00:14:39,210 --> 00:14:40,910 bathed and washed. 362 00:14:40,940 --> 00:14:43,180 Uh, why don't you, uh, call my office in the morning, 363 00:14:43,210 --> 00:14:45,450 and I'll... I'll try to see if I can find someone 364 00:14:45,480 --> 00:14:48,280 who can help you with whatever it is you need help with. 365 00:14:48,320 --> 00:14:50,750 It's not I who needs help, it's you. 366 00:14:50,790 --> 00:14:52,920 So it's me who's ending this conversation. 367 00:14:52,960 --> 00:14:54,890 Not you. 368 00:14:54,920 --> 00:14:56,390 And... 369 00:14:56,420 --> 00:14:59,260 you won't remember a thing about it. 370 00:14:59,290 --> 00:15:01,400 And, you, my darling, won't remember a thing 371 00:15:01,430 --> 00:15:04,030 about a damn thing. (kisses) 372 00:15:04,070 --> 00:15:06,770 NANDOR: Trying to ally with Barbara Lazarro 373 00:15:06,800 --> 00:15:08,700 is a shit plan. 374 00:15:08,740 --> 00:15:10,970 The power move here 375 00:15:11,010 --> 00:15:15,740 is to make Doug Peterson my personal agent of chaos. 376 00:15:15,780 --> 00:15:17,980 Peterson destroys Lazarro, 377 00:15:18,010 --> 00:15:21,050 Nandor destroys Peterson 378 00:15:21,080 --> 00:15:24,920 and the council... is mine. 379 00:15:25,920 --> 00:15:27,320 (bat squeaking) 380 00:15:28,920 --> 00:15:30,890 That's a nice little bitch you've got there. 381 00:15:30,930 --> 00:15:32,590 Pardon me? 382 00:15:32,630 --> 00:15:34,400 A nice little bitch being led on a leash 383 00:15:34,430 --> 00:15:36,000 by a frightened little man. 384 00:15:36,030 --> 00:15:38,770 It reminds me of how you are led about on a leash 385 00:15:38,800 --> 00:15:41,840 by the human bitch Barbara Lazarro. 386 00:15:41,870 --> 00:15:43,110 Look, I don't want any trouble, okay? 387 00:15:43,140 --> 00:15:44,340 So just take my wallet. 388 00:15:44,370 --> 00:15:47,010 I'm not here to rob you, little man. 389 00:15:47,040 --> 00:15:49,680 All right, let's do it the fast way. 390 00:15:49,710 --> 00:15:53,150 Tonight before you drift into a slumber, 391 00:15:53,180 --> 00:15:57,050 you will hear a voice that will command your actions. 392 00:15:58,120 --> 00:15:59,520 Okay. 393 00:15:59,550 --> 00:16:00,960 Oh. 394 00:16:00,990 --> 00:16:03,890 Okay. Great. 395 00:16:06,030 --> 00:16:08,360 JENNA: Is this like a Tony Robbins, like, 396 00:16:08,400 --> 00:16:09,500 Unleash the Power Within thing? 397 00:16:09,530 --> 00:16:12,470 Unleash the power. Yes, exactly. Yes. 398 00:16:12,500 --> 00:16:15,140 You're saying that would help me sed-seduce men? 399 00:16:15,170 --> 00:16:17,040 And destroy them. 400 00:16:17,070 --> 00:16:19,970 -And women, too. (chuckles) -Oh. 401 00:16:20,010 --> 00:16:21,380 Yeah, I-I should be honest. 402 00:16:21,410 --> 00:16:23,880 I have... I have a boyfriend, 403 00:16:23,910 --> 00:16:25,210 and we do s-stuff. 404 00:16:25,250 --> 00:16:27,550 I mean, we do stuff on camera 405 00:16:27,580 --> 00:16:30,690 because that's... that's the stuff he likes, 406 00:16:30,720 --> 00:16:33,790 and that's the stuff that he tells me I like. 407 00:16:33,820 --> 00:16:37,060 You know what? Just college is, like, a really complicated time. 408 00:16:38,830 --> 00:16:40,800 This is college, right? 409 00:16:40,830 --> 00:16:44,370 Here I am, and this-this beautiful older woman 410 00:16:44,400 --> 00:16:47,170 wants to take me on a sexual journey. 411 00:16:47,200 --> 00:16:48,740 And, like, I... 412 00:16:48,770 --> 00:16:50,170 Are you a junior? Are you a senior? 413 00:16:50,210 --> 00:16:51,370 I'm senior. 414 00:16:51,410 --> 00:16:53,180 -(chuckles) -Oh. Okay. 415 00:16:53,210 --> 00:16:55,080 And you are just a fresh baby 416 00:16:55,110 --> 00:16:56,810 shot out of her mother's womb, 417 00:16:56,840 --> 00:16:58,380 glistening with light. 418 00:16:59,410 --> 00:17:01,580 Thank you. 419 00:17:01,620 --> 00:17:03,920 You're sure you want to do this? 420 00:17:03,950 --> 00:17:05,350 Um... 421 00:17:05,390 --> 00:17:07,360 I should be honest with you. 422 00:17:07,390 --> 00:17:09,390 I'm a virgin. 423 00:17:11,930 --> 00:17:13,730 Maybe we should just start 424 00:17:13,760 --> 00:17:15,900 -with mouth stuff, if that's okay. -Mm-hmm. Yes. 425 00:17:15,930 --> 00:17:18,030 Just mouth stuff. 426 00:17:18,070 --> 00:17:20,400 (growls) 427 00:17:20,440 --> 00:17:23,410 Ow. Uh... 428 00:17:23,440 --> 00:17:24,940 Oh. 429 00:17:24,970 --> 00:17:27,380 Wowie zowie, that is... 430 00:17:27,410 --> 00:17:29,340 (muffled): Uh, shush, darling. You don't need to talk. 431 00:17:29,380 --> 00:17:31,410 Oh, I'm sorry. I always talk too much. 432 00:17:31,450 --> 00:17:33,180 Oh, ah! 433 00:17:33,220 --> 00:17:34,880 The Lazarro woman's demanded proof 434 00:17:34,920 --> 00:17:37,020 of my ability as an ally, 435 00:17:37,050 --> 00:17:40,050 so, uh... here goes. 436 00:17:41,320 --> 00:17:43,290 Hello, my little nighttime brother. 437 00:17:43,330 --> 00:17:45,330 Fuck me. 438 00:17:46,660 --> 00:17:48,300 Fucking thing just bit me. 439 00:17:48,330 --> 00:17:50,060 But that'll heal immediately. 440 00:17:50,100 --> 00:17:51,870 There we are. 441 00:17:51,900 --> 00:17:53,700 Seems I overestimated our kinship. 442 00:17:53,740 --> 00:17:55,740 I'll have to take things up a notch. 443 00:17:58,070 --> 00:18:00,070 (clarinet playing) 444 00:18:05,010 --> 00:18:07,650 (raccoons chittering) 445 00:18:13,590 --> 00:18:16,260 I call out to you 446 00:18:16,290 --> 00:18:18,630 through the ether, 447 00:18:18,660 --> 00:18:20,660 Doug... 448 00:18:22,630 --> 00:18:26,100 ...Peters. 449 00:18:26,130 --> 00:18:28,070 Peters? 450 00:18:28,100 --> 00:18:30,810 Peterson. Doug Peterson. 451 00:18:30,840 --> 00:18:33,410 I call out to you 452 00:18:33,440 --> 00:18:34,910 through the ether, 453 00:18:34,940 --> 00:18:38,750 Doug Peterson. 454 00:18:38,780 --> 00:18:40,010 (door opens) 455 00:18:40,050 --> 00:18:41,120 -D... -GUILLERMO: Did you call me? 456 00:18:41,150 --> 00:18:42,450 What? 457 00:18:42,480 --> 00:18:44,650 -I just heard... Did you call me? -No. 458 00:18:44,690 --> 00:18:48,090 I was calling through the ether to Doug Peterson. 459 00:18:48,120 --> 00:18:49,320 -You're not calling. -No. 460 00:18:49,360 --> 00:18:51,330 If I need anything, I will call you. 461 00:18:51,360 --> 00:18:53,090 But not through the ether. 462 00:18:53,130 --> 00:18:54,860 Just by regular yelling. 463 00:18:54,900 --> 00:18:56,960 -All right, I'm sorry. -It's okay. 464 00:18:57,000 --> 00:18:59,170 Peterson. 465 00:19:00,700 --> 00:19:04,470 Doug Peterson. 466 00:19:05,170 --> 00:19:09,040 Doug Peterson. 467 00:19:09,080 --> 00:19:13,010 Do you hear me call you? 468 00:19:13,050 --> 00:19:15,520 I hear you. 469 00:19:15,550 --> 00:19:17,120 Great. 470 00:19:17,150 --> 00:19:19,420 Hi, Doug. 471 00:19:22,020 --> 00:19:24,490 Now, my sweet little baby turkey... 472 00:19:24,530 --> 00:19:25,730 (chuckles) 473 00:19:25,760 --> 00:19:28,200 ...I'd like you to drink something from this vial. 474 00:19:28,230 --> 00:19:29,830 -Huh? -Oh. 475 00:19:29,860 --> 00:19:32,300 Is it vodka or something? 476 00:19:32,330 --> 00:19:35,500 It's like a very strong spirit with a little spicy kick. 477 00:19:35,540 --> 00:19:37,910 Um, it is my blood. 478 00:19:39,940 --> 00:19:42,880 Well, your blood is delicious. 479 00:19:42,910 --> 00:19:44,410 (chuckles) Why do they call it blood? 480 00:19:44,450 --> 00:19:47,010 Well, it's... it is the blood from my body, 481 00:19:47,050 --> 00:19:50,050 so I-I call it my blood. (chuckles) 482 00:20:01,630 --> 00:20:03,600 (screams) 483 00:20:03,630 --> 00:20:07,000 I mean, w-we don't know who was behind this. 484 00:20:07,030 --> 00:20:10,270 Is this a gang-related activity? 485 00:20:10,310 --> 00:20:13,610 Is-is MS-13 sending a message? 486 00:20:13,640 --> 00:20:16,080 I gave you those raccoons as a bloody gift. 487 00:20:16,110 --> 00:20:18,080 BARBARA: This was a clear and direct threat 488 00:20:18,110 --> 00:20:19,880 to my well-being... 489 00:20:19,910 --> 00:20:21,950 NANDOR: They laughed at me. 490 00:20:21,980 --> 00:20:24,520 They will not be laughing now that I am about to unleash 491 00:20:24,550 --> 00:20:27,620 my hellhound Doug Peters... 492 00:20:27,660 --> 00:20:29,520 son. 493 00:20:29,560 --> 00:20:34,030 ...and to the safety of every member of this council. 494 00:20:34,060 --> 00:20:35,960 It's a grim portent of things to come 495 00:20:36,000 --> 00:20:39,230 if we don't surrender, you ignorant bitch. 496 00:20:39,270 --> 00:20:41,440 -(whispers): Yes, Doug Peterson. -BARBARA: What? 497 00:20:41,470 --> 00:20:43,940 I will rip your head from your body. 498 00:20:43,970 --> 00:20:46,110 And I will hang your entrails 499 00:20:46,140 --> 00:20:48,580 from the traffic light on Hylan Boulevard 500 00:20:48,610 --> 00:20:50,240 so our new masters will see 501 00:20:50,280 --> 00:20:52,980 that only those who submit will survive! 502 00:20:53,010 --> 00:20:55,450 Mr. Peterson, you are way out of order. 503 00:20:55,480 --> 00:20:57,120 -(grunting) -(Barbara gasps) 504 00:20:57,150 --> 00:20:59,120 Heed my vision before it's too late! 505 00:20:59,150 --> 00:21:00,720 I have received a message 506 00:21:00,760 --> 00:21:03,330 from a slouching beast in the night! 507 00:21:03,360 --> 00:21:05,360 (Doug grunting) 508 00:21:07,800 --> 00:21:10,130 -The man is quite obviously mad. -DOUG: He spoke to me 509 00:21:10,160 --> 00:21:11,830 -through the ether! -Or someone's driven him mad. 510 00:21:12,870 --> 00:21:15,470 Something terrible is coming! 511 00:21:15,500 --> 00:21:17,640 (screaming) 512 00:21:17,670 --> 00:21:19,170 -This is an embarrassment. -DOUG: Unhand me, you troglodyte! 513 00:21:19,210 --> 00:21:20,740 Well, I did not hear you peep up 514 00:21:20,780 --> 00:21:22,280 when we were coming up with the new plan. 515 00:21:22,310 --> 00:21:23,850 I was making a new vampire. 516 00:21:23,880 --> 00:21:25,750 -Wait, I'm sorry, what? -Nothing. 517 00:21:25,780 --> 00:21:27,920 Perhaps we should come up with a new plan, then. 518 00:21:27,950 --> 00:21:31,590 DOUG: Vengeance will be mine when nightmares are made real! 519 00:21:31,620 --> 00:21:34,360 -Are you leaving with us? -No. I-I can't stand up right now, 520 00:21:34,390 --> 00:21:36,490 -if you know what I mean. (chuckles) -(groans) 521 00:21:36,520 --> 00:21:39,330 DOUG: Tear the fucking veil of illusion from your eyes! 522 00:21:39,360 --> 00:21:41,530 And witness the hellscape that is our destiny! 523 00:21:41,560 --> 00:21:44,200 Wh-What was that about a vampire? 524 00:21:44,230 --> 00:21:48,100 DOUG: I will tear your balls off and feed them to your children! 525 00:21:48,140 --> 00:21:50,470 I, um... 526 00:21:50,510 --> 00:21:53,710 I've been fighting off this very intense... 527 00:21:53,740 --> 00:21:56,810 flu, I think. I... Um, 528 00:21:56,840 --> 00:22:00,780 'cause I didn't have enough layers on the other night. 529 00:22:00,820 --> 00:22:02,650 Think it's mono. 530 00:22:02,680 --> 00:22:04,390 Uh, no, I don't... 531 00:22:04,420 --> 00:22:06,120 think it's... 532 00:22:06,150 --> 00:22:07,320 (loudly retching) 533 00:22:13,090 --> 00:22:17,260 * No vampires remain in Romania * 534 00:22:21,000 --> 00:22:24,810 * I am not your Dracula spectacular * 535 00:22:24,840 --> 00:22:28,580 * This is not your weekend in Vegas * 536 00:22:28,610 --> 00:22:32,510 * This is not your selfie obscura * 537 00:22:32,550 --> 00:22:36,380 * I am not your tour guide of Paris * 538 00:22:36,420 --> 00:22:40,050 * This is not West Hollywood on Thursday * 539 00:22:40,090 --> 00:22:43,890 * I am not your object d'art * 540 00:22:43,930 --> 00:22:47,760 * I am not your sepia heyday * 541 00:22:47,800 --> 00:22:51,470 * This is not the moment we part. * 542 00:22:55,440 --> 00:22:57,410 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH 543 00:22:59,610 --> 00:23:01,240 MAN: I was awoken 544 00:23:01,280 --> 00:23:03,750 by the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. 545 00:23:03,780 --> 00:23:06,910 She was clawing at the glass. I was hypnotized. 546 00:23:06,950 --> 00:23:08,320 I used hypnosis on him. 547 00:23:09,050 --> 00:23:10,950 ANNOUNCER: What We Do in the Shadows, 548 00:23:10,990 --> 00:23:13,990 all new Wednesdays at 10:00 on FX. 549 00:23:16,260 --> 00:23:19,760 Okay, Tracy Cromwell. What's your address and date of birth? 550 00:23:19,790 --> 00:23:23,060 Mom. No one ever asks for it. 551 00:23:23,100 --> 00:23:24,470 I just... 552 00:23:28,440 --> 00:23:29,940 Slut bucket. 553 00:23:31,110 --> 00:23:32,710 ANNOUNCER: Better Things. 554 00:23:32,740 --> 00:23:34,640 All new Thursdays at 10:00 on FX. 555 00:23:37,240 --> 00:23:38,650 MAN: You are gonna love Bobby. 556 00:23:38,680 --> 00:23:40,720 -You knew I was married. -I can't do this. 557 00:23:40,750 --> 00:23:41,720 -We're making a movie. -(shrieks) 558 00:23:41,750 --> 00:23:43,450 -Where's that smile? -Tough. 559 00:23:43,490 --> 00:23:45,550 -(whispers) I love you. -Maybe it's not so terrible. 560 00:23:45,590 --> 00:23:47,420 -I'm in love with her. -What comes next? 561 00:23:47,460 --> 00:23:49,490 -Do it again. -(rhythmic beat) 562 00:23:59,030 --> 00:23:59,930 (beat stops) 563 00:23:59,970 --> 00:24:01,470 Daddy. 564 00:24:02,800 --> 00:24:06,340 ANNOUNCER: Fosse/Verdon. All new, Tuesdays at 10:00 on FX.