1 00:00:02,089 --> 00:00:03,742 Sir, you need to see this. 2 00:00:03,786 --> 00:00:04,787 [INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING] 3 00:00:06,310 --> 00:00:07,311 [SCREAMS] 4 00:00:08,878 --> 00:00:10,358 Mother of God. 5 00:00:10,401 --> 00:00:12,751 NARRATOR: AHS: Double Feature. 6 00:00:12,795 --> 00:00:14,840 All new. Wednesdays at 10. 7 00:00:14,884 --> 00:00:15,885 On FX. 8 00:00:22,065 --> 00:00:24,415 ♪ 9 00:00:24,459 --> 00:00:26,069 Today's a very special day. 10 00:00:26,113 --> 00:00:28,724 [laughs softly]: It's my master's Accession Day. 11 00:00:28,767 --> 00:00:30,030 ♪ 12 00:00:30,073 --> 00:00:31,596 It's the anniversary 13 00:00:31,640 --> 00:00:33,120 of when he was crowned Supreme Viceroy 14 00:00:33,163 --> 00:00:34,860 for Al Qolnidar. 15 00:00:34,904 --> 00:00:36,906 So it's kind of a big deal. 16 00:00:36,949 --> 00:00:39,648 [whispers]: His favorite. Crepe-y paper. 17 00:00:39,691 --> 00:00:41,171 Every year, I try to do something special 18 00:00:41,215 --> 00:00:42,999 for the occasion. 19 00:00:43,043 --> 00:00:44,044 The whole house gets into it, 20 00:00:44,087 --> 00:00:45,958 like, really into it. 21 00:00:46,002 --> 00:00:47,656 [bagpipes playing] 22 00:00:49,049 --> 00:00:51,573 Yes! Oh, yeah! 23 00:00:51,616 --> 00:00:54,663 GUILLERMO: Colin Robinson gets, uh, 24 00:00:54,706 --> 00:00:56,099 a little too much into it. 25 00:00:56,143 --> 00:00:58,754 [laughing] 26 00:00:58,797 --> 00:01:00,930 [foreign language version of "You're Dead" playing] 27 00:01:00,973 --> 00:01:03,454 ♪ 28 00:01:23,909 --> 00:01:25,607 ♪ 29 00:01:34,398 --> 00:01:36,400 -[exhales]: Ah... - Oh, no. 30 00:01:36,444 --> 00:01:38,968 No. I-I don't think you should be wearing that turban again. 31 00:01:39,011 --> 00:01:40,926 Well, I think you need to do some research. 32 00:01:40,970 --> 00:01:42,319 'Cause not only is this turban accurate 33 00:01:42,363 --> 00:01:44,930 to the ancient civilizations of Persia, 34 00:01:44,974 --> 00:01:47,150 it also happens to be a gift from my good friend, 35 00:01:47,194 --> 00:01:49,109 the Maharaja Duleep Singh. 36 00:01:49,152 --> 00:01:51,067 So if you have anything to say, 37 00:01:51,111 --> 00:01:53,200 - to either myself or the maharaja... - I just, it's not that. 38 00:01:53,243 --> 00:01:54,592 It was kept in storage in the basement, 39 00:01:54,636 --> 00:01:56,638 and the rats were nesting in there. 40 00:01:56,681 --> 00:01:57,856 Oh, right. 41 00:01:57,900 --> 00:01:59,467 Oh. Here it is. 42 00:01:59,510 --> 00:02:00,468 Let's go. 43 00:02:00,511 --> 00:02:02,165 Off you fuck. 44 00:02:02,209 --> 00:02:03,253 Hey, Master. 45 00:02:03,297 --> 00:02:05,473 ♪ The sun has set♪ 46 00:02:05,516 --> 00:02:08,084 -♪ The stars have all come out♪ -[Nadja humming] 47 00:02:08,128 --> 00:02:09,781 ♪ To celebrate your big night!♪ 48 00:02:09,825 --> 00:02:11,870 -[cheering] - Happy Accession Day, Nandor! 49 00:02:11,914 --> 00:02:14,873 -[bagpipe playing] -[Nadja vocalizing] 50 00:02:16,745 --> 00:02:18,355 [chuckles] 51 00:02:18,399 --> 00:02:19,922 It's your big Accession Day, Master. 52 00:02:19,965 --> 00:02:21,924 - Did you forget? - No. 53 00:02:21,967 --> 00:02:23,665 Okay. 54 00:02:23,708 --> 00:02:25,362 Well, it's just one of those mornings, I guess. 55 00:02:25,406 --> 00:02:27,451 But the night's just beginning. 56 00:02:27,495 --> 00:02:29,192 - GUIDE: I'll bet. - Yay! 57 00:02:29,236 --> 00:02:31,673 I made you a little something, and I hope you like it. 58 00:02:31,716 --> 00:02:33,109 Great. 59 00:02:33,153 --> 00:02:35,285 Well, he didn't like that. 60 00:02:35,329 --> 00:02:37,418 [to tune of "Happy Birthday"]: ♪ Happy Accession Day♪ 61 00:02:37,461 --> 00:02:39,811 ♪ Mr. Relentle...♪ 62 00:02:39,855 --> 00:02:41,509 What's up with him? 63 00:02:41,552 --> 00:02:42,814 Colin Robinson, you can stop belly dancing. 64 00:02:42,858 --> 00:02:44,555 - He's not even in the room. - I know. 65 00:02:44,599 --> 00:02:46,209 This is just for me. 66 00:02:47,689 --> 00:02:50,474 Another Accession Day. 67 00:02:50,518 --> 00:02:52,215 Pitiful. 68 00:02:52,259 --> 00:02:54,957 On this day hundreds of years ago, 69 00:02:55,000 --> 00:02:57,046 I rose to power in my country. 70 00:02:57,089 --> 00:02:59,875 Blah, blah, blah. Yada yada yada. 71 00:02:59,918 --> 00:03:04,009 It's just another milestone to celebrate for the rest of time. 72 00:03:04,053 --> 00:03:05,576 Believe it or don't believe it, baby, 73 00:03:05,620 --> 00:03:08,449 but vampire depression is the real fucking deal. 74 00:03:08,492 --> 00:03:10,059 The prospect of immortality 75 00:03:10,102 --> 00:03:12,017 can give some vampires the shits. 76 00:03:12,061 --> 00:03:14,672 They hate the idea of staring down life's eternal tunnel. 77 00:03:14,716 --> 00:03:16,805 What does it all mean? 78 00:03:16,848 --> 00:03:18,241 Nothing. 79 00:03:18,285 --> 00:03:20,635 LASZLO: When a vampire is depressed, 80 00:03:20,678 --> 00:03:22,898 -the best treatment is to avoid them at all costs. - NADJA: Yeah. 81 00:03:22,941 --> 00:03:25,161 NANDOR: [sighs] I'm 700 years old, 82 00:03:25,205 --> 00:03:27,076 and what have I got to show for it? 83 00:03:27,119 --> 00:03:29,644 I'm a fully grown vampire, and I still have roommates. 84 00:03:29,687 --> 00:03:31,559 I have no life partner. 85 00:03:31,602 --> 00:03:33,561 -[Nadja and Doll Nadja laughing] - I have no living children. 86 00:03:33,604 --> 00:03:36,128 I have no one to share my dreams or my fears with. 87 00:03:36,172 --> 00:03:38,218 NADJA: [clears throat] Sorry, Nandor. We were just... 88 00:03:38,261 --> 00:03:40,655 - I just have to check something, um... - DOLL NADJA: Hurry. 89 00:03:40,698 --> 00:03:42,657 NANDOR: I mean, once you see Colin Robinson belly dancing 90 00:03:42,700 --> 00:03:44,006 a few times, 91 00:03:44,049 --> 00:03:46,443 the magic kind of wears off. 92 00:03:46,487 --> 00:03:47,662 It doesn't matter that I'm 93 00:03:47,705 --> 00:03:51,492 an infinitely powerful being. 94 00:03:51,535 --> 00:03:54,843 -[groans] - Doesn't mean anything when you live for eternity. 95 00:03:54,886 --> 00:03:58,542 Everything loses its meaning when you live for eternity. 96 00:03:58,586 --> 00:04:00,631 GUILLERMO: In all the years I've known Nandor, I've... 97 00:04:00,675 --> 00:04:02,242 I've never seen him like this. 98 00:04:02,285 --> 00:04:04,592 I think he might be having a midlife crisis. 99 00:04:04,635 --> 00:04:07,247 [chuckles]: But he's immortal, so I guess... 100 00:04:07,290 --> 00:04:09,858 maybe more like a crisis-crisis. 101 00:04:09,901 --> 00:04:12,164 [gasps] Nandor's in crisis. 102 00:04:12,208 --> 00:04:14,036 So, everyone, we have 103 00:04:14,079 --> 00:04:16,778 a very important Vampiric Council duty 104 00:04:16,821 --> 00:04:19,259 that I'm afraid is even too hard 105 00:04:19,302 --> 00:04:21,304 for my absolutely amazing abilities. 106 00:04:21,348 --> 00:04:22,871 Someone hasn't paid 107 00:04:22,914 --> 00:04:24,829 their Vampiric Council union fees in a while. 108 00:04:24,873 --> 00:04:26,831 Oh, no. 109 00:04:26,875 --> 00:04:30,052 Sometimes it is nice to tiptoe in and remind Nandor 110 00:04:30,095 --> 00:04:32,489 that, uh, he's very important vampire 111 00:04:32,533 --> 00:04:34,883 with very important jobs to do and... 112 00:04:34,926 --> 00:04:37,189 Also, collecting Vampire Council dues 113 00:04:37,233 --> 00:04:39,496 is basically vampire shit work. 114 00:04:39,540 --> 00:04:41,324 And I don't want to do it! [chuckles] 115 00:04:41,368 --> 00:04:43,413 But, you know, more the first thing, 116 00:04:43,457 --> 00:04:46,286 that I want to raise my-my friend up. 117 00:04:46,329 --> 00:04:48,244 So, who wants to tackle this one? 118 00:04:48,288 --> 00:04:49,767 GUIDE: Well, I don't know, milady. 119 00:04:49,811 --> 00:04:52,553 Are you sure anyone here is up for this task? 120 00:04:53,858 --> 00:04:56,644 Oh, shit. Um, yeah-- Oh. No, my darling. 121 00:04:56,687 --> 00:04:58,994 I wouldn't be man enough? 122 00:04:59,037 --> 00:05:00,865 Hmm. [hisses softly] 123 00:05:00,909 --> 00:05:02,432 O-Oh. Uh... 124 00:05:02,476 --> 00:05:04,347 I-I would love to help you out, 125 00:05:04,391 --> 00:05:09,309 but I, too, fear I'm not, uh, man eno-- whatever. 126 00:05:09,352 --> 00:05:11,136 No, that's right. You are very shit-stupid man, 127 00:05:11,180 --> 00:05:13,182 so you can't do it. 128 00:05:13,225 --> 00:05:15,271 How about you, Nandor? Bill collection? 129 00:05:15,315 --> 00:05:17,012 Okay, fine. I'll do it. 130 00:05:17,055 --> 00:05:18,361 There you go. Yes! 131 00:05:18,405 --> 00:05:20,015 It's a very special job, 132 00:05:20,058 --> 00:05:22,365 - and we need the most... - I said I'll do it! 133 00:05:22,409 --> 00:05:24,193 Give me that. Fuck! 134 00:05:24,236 --> 00:05:26,021 - Do you want me to come with you? - No! 135 00:05:30,417 --> 00:05:31,983 [groans] 136 00:05:32,027 --> 00:05:33,463 [mutters] 137 00:05:33,507 --> 00:05:34,551 Ah. 138 00:05:34,595 --> 00:05:35,683 Oh, great. 139 00:05:35,726 --> 00:05:37,641 They have wellness vampires now. 140 00:05:39,600 --> 00:05:41,558 [groaning softly] 141 00:05:42,516 --> 00:05:44,561 [muffled music playing in distance] 142 00:05:46,215 --> 00:05:47,564 Um... 143 00:05:47,608 --> 00:05:49,523 You don't happen to know where I could find 144 00:05:49,566 --> 00:05:51,525 someone called Jan, do you? 145 00:05:51,568 --> 00:05:52,917 Thanks very much. 146 00:05:52,961 --> 00:05:55,355 The fuck is that? 147 00:05:56,443 --> 00:05:58,401 [chuckles] 148 00:05:58,445 --> 00:06:00,925 - Come on, then. -[Jan shouting] 149 00:06:00,969 --> 00:06:03,841 JAN: Stretch those out. That's what I want to see, yes! 150 00:06:03,885 --> 00:06:07,932 Stretch those hammies, feel the burn! Yes! 151 00:06:07,976 --> 00:06:11,501 - NANDOR: Um... - Oh, welcome. 152 00:06:11,545 --> 00:06:13,634 Sorry, I am just here for... 153 00:06:13,677 --> 00:06:15,462 Jan? 154 00:06:15,505 --> 00:06:18,334 Please join us, bring your cameras. 155 00:06:18,378 --> 00:06:21,032 - No secrets here. - Uh, no. 156 00:06:21,076 --> 00:06:25,428 - I am just here for your debt collection. - Take a seat. 157 00:06:25,472 --> 00:06:26,864 So... 158 00:06:26,908 --> 00:06:31,826 What do we love? 159 00:06:31,869 --> 00:06:33,480 GROUP: To sweat. 160 00:06:33,523 --> 00:06:38,223 JAN [singsongy]: And how do we sweat? 161 00:06:38,267 --> 00:06:39,877 GROUP: By dancing. 162 00:06:39,921 --> 00:06:42,750 And what do we say to newcomers? 163 00:06:43,403 --> 00:06:48,103 GROUP: Welcome. You must stretch before you dance. 164 00:06:48,146 --> 00:06:52,020 Uh, like I said, as I was standing over there, 165 00:06:52,063 --> 00:06:55,284 I am only here to, uh, collect a debt 166 00:06:55,327 --> 00:06:58,983 for Vampire Council dues you haven't paid in 132 years. 167 00:06:59,027 --> 00:07:01,986 Oh, you must be mistaken. 168 00:07:02,030 --> 00:07:03,988 No vampires here, pal. 169 00:07:04,032 --> 00:07:05,425 [laughter] 170 00:07:05,468 --> 00:07:08,340 -[laughter stops] - But, you are Jan, yes? 171 00:07:08,384 --> 00:07:13,084 Yes, but I am no longer a vampire. 172 00:07:14,521 --> 00:07:16,914 That's... Wow. 173 00:07:16,958 --> 00:07:20,614 Eesh. You have all pulled your own fangs out. 174 00:07:20,657 --> 00:07:24,008 Very disturbing, uh, but it does not negate the fact 175 00:07:24,052 --> 00:07:27,490 - that, uh, you owe a great sum. - No sum to be paid, friend, 176 00:07:27,534 --> 00:07:30,972 for we are no longer vampires. 177 00:07:31,015 --> 00:07:35,672 We have become humans again. 178 00:07:35,716 --> 00:07:37,065 Mm-hmm. 179 00:07:37,108 --> 00:07:39,328 How is such a thing even possible? 180 00:07:39,371 --> 00:07:40,895 [chuckles] 181 00:07:40,938 --> 00:07:43,593 [muffled music playing in distance] 182 00:07:43,637 --> 00:07:47,423 Welcome. Come on in, have a seat. 183 00:07:50,165 --> 00:07:51,819 [Jan grunts] 184 00:07:51,862 --> 00:07:53,516 Uh, no, thank you. 185 00:07:53,560 --> 00:07:56,650 As you know, being a vampire, I cannot eat or drink. 186 00:07:56,693 --> 00:07:58,608 Poor you. 187 00:08:04,571 --> 00:08:06,398 Ah... 188 00:08:06,442 --> 00:08:10,185 How long have you been caught up in this whole vampire trip? 189 00:08:10,228 --> 00:08:13,188 I have been a vampire for over 700 years, 190 00:08:13,231 --> 00:08:17,061 - if that's what you're asking. - Yes, but-- one second. 191 00:08:17,105 --> 00:08:18,976 No, no, no, no, no, you need to select 192 00:08:19,020 --> 00:08:21,544 the Epson 4750 in the print queue window. 193 00:08:21,588 --> 00:08:23,546 Not the Bonjour printing. 194 00:08:23,590 --> 00:08:26,767 I am so sorry. One second. 195 00:08:30,640 --> 00:08:32,686 Ah... Tell me. 196 00:08:33,687 --> 00:08:37,691 Are you happy being a vampire? 197 00:08:37,734 --> 00:08:40,563 - I've had better days. - What if I were to tell you 198 00:08:40,607 --> 00:08:42,260 that there's another way? 199 00:08:42,304 --> 00:08:45,046 A way that you can walk into the sun. 200 00:08:45,089 --> 00:08:50,051 A way that you can become human again. 201 00:08:51,052 --> 00:08:52,488 I'd say you were full of shit. 202 00:08:52,532 --> 00:08:56,971 Eh... Well, perhaps this path isn't for you. 203 00:08:57,014 --> 00:08:59,930 This is a difficult and treacherous path, 204 00:08:59,974 --> 00:09:02,585 but the rewards... 205 00:09:02,629 --> 00:09:07,416 the rewards are unspeakably... 206 00:09:07,459 --> 00:09:09,679 delicious. 207 00:09:09,723 --> 00:09:12,334 ♪ 208 00:09:23,127 --> 00:09:25,739 NANDOR: So, after short deliberation... 209 00:09:25,782 --> 00:09:27,305 Yes. 210 00:09:27,349 --> 00:09:29,699 ...I have decided to join Jan and her community: 211 00:09:29,743 --> 00:09:31,614 the Formerly Fanged. 212 00:09:31,658 --> 00:09:33,311 The brochure is very persuasive. 213 00:09:33,355 --> 00:09:37,620 I am skeptical by nature, but this Jan, 214 00:09:37,664 --> 00:09:40,710 she's really speaking to me, you know? 215 00:09:40,754 --> 00:09:43,887 She also is incredibly beautiful and has a rocking body. 216 00:09:43,931 --> 00:09:45,585 NADJA: So, you're renouncing your vampirism 217 00:09:45,628 --> 00:09:47,630 to go and try living as a human? 218 00:09:47,674 --> 00:09:49,676 - Yes. What part of that is not clear? -[Nadja scoffs] 219 00:09:49,719 --> 00:09:51,373 Well, how about the whole thing? 220 00:09:51,416 --> 00:09:53,201 You can't just pretend to be a human, you knoblord. 221 00:09:53,244 --> 00:09:55,333 Pretending to be human is just the first step. 222 00:09:55,377 --> 00:09:56,683 Well, what is the second step? 223 00:09:56,726 --> 00:09:58,641 I'm not clear on all the steps yet. 224 00:09:58,685 --> 00:10:00,600 Why are you dressed like a Playmobil figurine? 225 00:10:00,643 --> 00:10:03,211 Because this is how I used to dress when I was a human. 226 00:10:03,254 --> 00:10:05,300 NADJA: This is all very stupid. 227 00:10:05,343 --> 00:10:08,042 Not to mention that we are the leaders of the Vampiric Council! 228 00:10:08,085 --> 00:10:10,087 We're going to be a laughingstock when they find out 229 00:10:10,131 --> 00:10:12,873 you've gone crying off to go and play human dress-up. 230 00:10:12,916 --> 00:10:15,136 - Right? - I mean, I personally wouldn't laugh, 231 00:10:15,179 --> 00:10:16,790 but there are those who would. 232 00:10:16,833 --> 00:10:18,792 Well, you don't have to worry about that anymore, 233 00:10:18,835 --> 00:10:20,924 because you'll never see me again. 234 00:10:20,968 --> 00:10:23,405 -[chains rattling] - Give me that. 235 00:10:23,448 --> 00:10:24,798 Give me that! 236 00:10:24,841 --> 00:10:27,583 Have a great, unenlightened eternity. 237 00:10:27,627 --> 00:10:28,889 Farewell! 238 00:10:28,932 --> 00:10:30,455 Auf Wiedersehen! 239 00:10:30,499 --> 00:10:32,762 Good night, Seattle, and good mental health! 240 00:10:32,806 --> 00:10:35,069 - See ya. - Master. Master? 241 00:10:35,112 --> 00:10:36,679 I get his room. 242 00:10:36,723 --> 00:10:38,159 Master, wait! 243 00:10:38,202 --> 00:10:39,639 As your official bodyguard, 244 00:10:39,682 --> 00:10:40,944 it's my duty to go with you everywhere-- 245 00:10:40,988 --> 00:10:42,250 I am no longer your master! 246 00:10:42,293 --> 00:10:44,078 I hereby relieve you of your service. 247 00:10:44,121 --> 00:10:45,383 What? 248 00:10:45,427 --> 00:10:47,690 It is time for me to find happiness. 249 00:10:47,734 --> 00:10:49,518 Well, I want to find happiness, too! 250 00:10:49,561 --> 00:10:51,651 What do you think I've been doing for the last 11 years? 251 00:10:51,694 --> 00:10:53,304 Oh, boy. Here we go again with this shit. 252 00:10:53,348 --> 00:10:54,915 Why do you think I've lived with you this whole time? 253 00:10:54,958 --> 00:10:57,961 Can you please... 254 00:10:58,005 --> 00:11:00,703 please turn me into a vampire before you leave? 255 00:11:00,747 --> 00:11:02,792 So that after all these years, 256 00:11:02,836 --> 00:11:06,143 you and I both, both can be happy. 257 00:11:08,145 --> 00:11:09,756 [groans] 258 00:11:15,936 --> 00:11:17,764 Guillermo. 259 00:11:17,807 --> 00:11:22,464 Despite my cold dead heart and your "just okay" personality, 260 00:11:22,507 --> 00:11:26,686 I've grown to have some affection for you. 261 00:11:26,729 --> 00:11:28,818 - Just a little bit, but, you know... - And I for you, Mas-- 262 00:11:28,862 --> 00:11:30,385 Well, obviously. 263 00:11:30,428 --> 00:11:32,648 But vampirism is a curse, 264 00:11:32,692 --> 00:11:35,172 and I care for you too much 265 00:11:35,216 --> 00:11:38,523 to burden you with that. 266 00:11:38,567 --> 00:11:41,309 It would weigh too heavily on my conscience. 267 00:11:42,484 --> 00:11:45,226 Boop. There's that smile. 268 00:11:46,618 --> 00:11:49,317 Once a vampire... 269 00:11:49,360 --> 00:11:52,059 tonight, I am only a man. 270 00:11:53,538 --> 00:11:54,801 Dry your face. 271 00:11:54,844 --> 00:11:56,454 You look like a pair of wet undies. 272 00:11:56,498 --> 00:11:57,978 [armor rattling] 273 00:11:58,021 --> 00:11:59,544 As I can no longer fly, 274 00:11:59,588 --> 00:12:01,633 I will have a nice evening stroll to Jan's. 275 00:12:01,677 --> 00:12:04,898 - Just a human man crossing the street. - C-Careful. 276 00:12:04,941 --> 00:12:06,290 -[horn honks] -[grunts] 277 00:12:06,334 --> 00:12:08,118 Are you shitting me?! 278 00:12:08,162 --> 00:12:10,599 You can't just walk out into the street like that. 279 00:12:10,642 --> 00:12:12,775 You have to look both ways. 280 00:12:12,819 --> 00:12:15,125 That's literally rule number one of being human. 281 00:12:15,169 --> 00:12:16,910 NANDOR: It's a bad start. 282 00:12:16,953 --> 00:12:18,868 What the fuck am I gonna do with this? 283 00:12:21,044 --> 00:12:23,830 It's been about a month since... What's his name? 284 00:12:23,873 --> 00:12:25,657 Nandor! Come on, Laszlo. 285 00:12:25,701 --> 00:12:27,572 Sorry. Uh, since he buggered off. 286 00:12:27,616 --> 00:12:30,401 Nothing much has changed, though, to be honest. 287 00:12:30,445 --> 00:12:33,100 One thing that has changed, which is such a relief, 288 00:12:33,143 --> 00:12:35,276 is you don't have this constant soundtrack 289 00:12:35,319 --> 00:12:37,147 of weeping in the house the whole time. 290 00:12:37,191 --> 00:12:39,323 - We don't miss that, do we? - No. 291 00:12:39,367 --> 00:12:42,109 So, I've moved into Nandor's room. 292 00:12:42,152 --> 00:12:44,546 Uh, it's taken me awhile 293 00:12:44,589 --> 00:12:47,505 -to get my scent on everything. -[farting] 294 00:12:47,549 --> 00:12:50,334 Regular vampires have no gastric system. 295 00:12:50,378 --> 00:12:53,816 Energy vampires do, to annoy those around them 296 00:12:53,860 --> 00:12:56,036 and mark their territory. 297 00:12:56,079 --> 00:12:57,907 It's beginning to feel like home. 298 00:12:57,951 --> 00:12:59,822 It's been kind of tough, honestly. 299 00:12:59,866 --> 00:13:02,390 You know, I've known Nandor for a long time, 300 00:13:02,433 --> 00:13:05,654 and now he's not in my life anymore. 301 00:13:05,697 --> 00:13:08,048 He didn't even leave an address or anything, 302 00:13:08,091 --> 00:13:09,745 [chuckles]: which is hurtful. 303 00:13:09,789 --> 00:13:12,530 I mean, I guess know now how it feels. 304 00:13:12,574 --> 00:13:14,619 All the times I left or quit. 305 00:13:14,663 --> 00:13:16,839 I just never thought that... 306 00:13:16,883 --> 00:13:20,408 that he'd be the one, you know, to leave, so... 307 00:13:20,451 --> 00:13:23,541 I'm just sorry that we couldn't make him happy, 308 00:13:23,585 --> 00:13:25,674 and I hope he's happy now. 309 00:13:25,717 --> 00:13:28,982 NANDOR: ♪ It's been one week since you looked at me♪ 310 00:13:29,025 --> 00:13:30,940 ♪ Cocked your head to the side and said, "I'm angry"♪ 311 00:13:30,984 --> 00:13:33,203 ♪ Five days since you laughed at me, saying♪ 312 00:13:33,247 --> 00:13:35,336 ALL: ♪ "Get your act together, come back and see me"♪ 313 00:13:35,379 --> 00:13:37,381 ♪ Three days since the living room♪ 314 00:13:37,425 --> 00:13:38,992 ♪ I realized it's all my fault but couldn't tell you♪ 315 00:13:39,035 --> 00:13:41,603 ♪ Yesterday, you'd forgiven me♪ 316 00:13:41,646 --> 00:13:43,866 ♪ But it'll still be two days till I say I'm sorry♪ 317 00:13:43,910 --> 00:13:46,042 NANDOR: I love my life here. 318 00:13:46,086 --> 00:13:47,870 I feel invigorated. 319 00:13:47,914 --> 00:13:50,438 - More broccoli. - I forgot how exciting it was 320 00:13:50,481 --> 00:13:53,136 to live like a human. 321 00:13:53,180 --> 00:13:54,790 ♪ Hot like wasabi when I bust rhymes...♪ 322 00:13:54,834 --> 00:13:56,792 JAN: Now, when doing your taxes, 323 00:13:56,836 --> 00:13:59,621 women, act like you don't understand. 324 00:13:59,664 --> 00:14:01,449 Yes, Nandy? 325 00:14:01,492 --> 00:14:05,018 Yes, it seems to me that this Uncle Sam 326 00:14:05,061 --> 00:14:06,715 is bleeding us dry. 327 00:14:06,758 --> 00:14:09,022 Maybe we should bleed him! 328 00:14:09,065 --> 00:14:11,763 No, no, no, no, no. We blow off steam 329 00:14:11,807 --> 00:14:15,942 with an IPA or maybe an evening bike ride. 330 00:14:15,985 --> 00:14:18,727 All right, let's move on to how to tip. 331 00:14:18,770 --> 00:14:21,425 NANDOR: Every moment is precious. 332 00:14:21,469 --> 00:14:22,905 Come on, Nandy! 333 00:14:22,949 --> 00:14:25,038 We rip out our fangs every night. 334 00:14:25,081 --> 00:14:26,909 [grunting] 335 00:14:26,953 --> 00:14:29,042 -[cheering] -[exhales] 336 00:14:29,085 --> 00:14:30,957 They always grow back in the morning. 337 00:14:31,000 --> 00:14:34,134 But Jan says she's working on a way to make it permanent! 338 00:14:34,177 --> 00:14:35,918 [cheering, whooping] 339 00:14:35,962 --> 00:14:39,356 Because we are forbidden to use our vampiric powers 340 00:14:39,400 --> 00:14:41,489 or strength in any way, 341 00:14:41,532 --> 00:14:44,535 life is constantly surprising me. 342 00:14:44,579 --> 00:14:48,888 I have lost 123 straight games of corn hole, 343 00:14:48,931 --> 00:14:51,194 and I have never felt more alive. 344 00:14:51,238 --> 00:14:53,283 -[Jan cheering] I missed it! I missed it! 345 00:14:53,327 --> 00:14:55,677 JAN: Yes, Nandy. Very human. 346 00:14:55,720 --> 00:14:57,897 NANDOR: Jan has taught me so much. 347 00:14:57,940 --> 00:14:59,594 This is especially important for the women 348 00:14:59,637 --> 00:15:02,684 when you're an expert about something, 349 00:15:02,727 --> 00:15:04,555 and a man is explaining it to you. 350 00:15:04,599 --> 00:15:08,951 Strained eyes but really big smile. 351 00:15:08,995 --> 00:15:11,693 ALL: ♪ It's been one week since you looked at me♪ 352 00:15:11,736 --> 00:15:14,174 ♪ Dropped your arms to the sides and said, "I'm sorry"♪ 353 00:15:14,217 --> 00:15:17,003 -♪ Five days since I...♪ - NANDOR: Who knew that living as a human 354 00:15:17,046 --> 00:15:21,181 would reignite the zeal for life I thought to be long dormant? 355 00:15:21,224 --> 00:15:23,835 -♪ Yesterday, you just smiled at me♪ - Make sure that Baby learns. 356 00:15:23,879 --> 00:15:27,100 -[grunting] -♪ 'Cause it'll still be two days till we say we're sorry♪ 357 00:15:28,057 --> 00:15:32,496 -♪ It'll still be two days...♪ - NANDOR: Jan is just so alive and electric. 358 00:15:32,540 --> 00:15:34,585 She has changed my life. 359 00:15:34,629 --> 00:15:37,893 Oh, yeah, we're fucking. 360 00:15:37,937 --> 00:15:40,765 -[cheering] - One, two, three, four, 361 00:15:40,809 --> 00:15:43,290 five, six, seven, make it hot. 362 00:15:43,333 --> 00:15:45,988 [cheering, whooping] 363 00:15:46,032 --> 00:15:47,033 I should probably check in on him. 364 00:15:47,076 --> 00:15:48,512 Not in a weird way. 365 00:15:48,556 --> 00:15:49,861 Like, I don't need to check in on peop-- 366 00:15:49,905 --> 00:15:50,993 I just want to make sure he's okay, 367 00:15:51,037 --> 00:15:52,473 'cause if something wasn't okay 368 00:15:52,516 --> 00:15:53,778 and I didn't do anything about it, 369 00:15:53,822 --> 00:15:54,997 then I couldn't live with myself. 370 00:15:55,041 --> 00:15:56,303 So, as a good friend, 371 00:15:56,346 --> 00:15:58,522 I'm going to look into what he's doing 372 00:15:58,566 --> 00:16:00,002 without him knowing. 373 00:16:00,046 --> 00:16:01,525 I'm really worried about him. 374 00:16:01,569 --> 00:16:03,136 He's out there in the real world, 375 00:16:03,179 --> 00:16:04,876 and it could be dangerous, you know? 376 00:16:04,920 --> 00:16:06,443 [groans] 377 00:16:06,487 --> 00:16:08,837 Like, what if he's in real big trouble? 378 00:16:08,880 --> 00:16:10,273 COLIN: Whoa. 379 00:16:10,317 --> 00:16:12,362 What are you doing in my room? 380 00:16:12,406 --> 00:16:14,234 Nandor must have left some kind of clue somewhere, 381 00:16:14,277 --> 00:16:16,279 telling us where he's at or where he's going. 382 00:16:16,323 --> 00:16:18,194 Like, maybe this pamphlet 383 00:16:18,238 --> 00:16:20,022 that's just sitting out in the open? 384 00:16:20,066 --> 00:16:23,025 "In case any of you dumb, idiot assholes care--" 385 00:16:23,069 --> 00:16:24,548 assholes with one "S," uh-- 386 00:16:24,592 --> 00:16:26,463 "where I've gone, it's here." 387 00:16:26,507 --> 00:16:28,117 Give me that. 388 00:16:28,161 --> 00:16:29,640 All right, but you may want to wash your hands. 389 00:16:29,684 --> 00:16:32,252 That has a full room of butt wind on it. 390 00:16:32,295 --> 00:16:34,819 Don't want to get pink eye, or maybe you do, I don't know. 391 00:16:34,863 --> 00:16:36,430 Don't really give a shit. 392 00:16:36,473 --> 00:16:38,345 [farts] 393 00:16:42,392 --> 00:16:45,134 NANDOR: Jan says that she has never seen anyone as dedicated 394 00:16:45,178 --> 00:16:47,267 to our way of life before. 395 00:16:47,310 --> 00:16:48,529 Don't mind me. 396 00:16:48,572 --> 00:16:50,183 [laughs]: Yeah! 397 00:16:50,226 --> 00:16:52,750 So she has given me a promotion of sorts. 398 00:16:52,794 --> 00:16:54,883 I am now her number two. 399 00:16:54,926 --> 00:16:57,320 - How do I look? - Perfect. 400 00:16:57,364 --> 00:17:00,628 Jan says we will always be safe from outsiders, 401 00:17:00,671 --> 00:17:05,241 and, one day, we will be human enough to see the sun. 402 00:17:05,285 --> 00:17:07,156 -[laughing] - And I get to help with that. 403 00:17:07,200 --> 00:17:08,766 In my former household, 404 00:17:08,810 --> 00:17:10,855 I would have been teased mercilessly 405 00:17:10,899 --> 00:17:14,033 for saying things like, "I am a number two." 406 00:17:14,076 --> 00:17:18,037 But here, number twos are treated with the utmost respect. 407 00:17:18,080 --> 00:17:19,560 - Hmm. -♪ Sending out an S...♪ 408 00:17:20,952 --> 00:17:22,650 GUILLERMO: Something's wrong with Nandor. 409 00:17:22,693 --> 00:17:24,739 I feel it, so I'm just gonna make sure that he's okay, 410 00:17:24,782 --> 00:17:27,350 'cause I'm a good friend, or we were friends. 411 00:17:27,394 --> 00:17:28,960 It's... you know. 412 00:17:29,004 --> 00:17:31,311 Just want to make sure everything is okay. 413 00:17:31,354 --> 00:17:34,096 A little check-in. How did those get in there? [laughs] 414 00:17:34,140 --> 00:17:36,751 Time to get our workout on. [chuckles] 415 00:17:36,794 --> 00:17:38,753 -[car alarm chirps] -[muffled music playing] 416 00:17:43,671 --> 00:17:46,500 [quiet chatter] 417 00:17:46,543 --> 00:17:47,979 Hello. 418 00:17:48,023 --> 00:17:49,633 Sorry. Sorry. 419 00:17:49,677 --> 00:17:51,418 -[sniffs] - I'm just gonna put this over here. 420 00:17:51,461 --> 00:17:53,855 Is this anyone's spot? [clears throat] 421 00:17:53,898 --> 00:17:57,206 [whispers]: Master. Master. Master. 422 00:17:57,250 --> 00:17:59,991 Guillermo, what in the hell are you doing here? 423 00:18:00,035 --> 00:18:02,559 Just taking one of my favorite classes. 424 00:18:02,603 --> 00:18:05,301 Yeah, what a coinkydink to see you here, so crazy. 425 00:18:05,345 --> 00:18:06,737 You think I was born yesterday? 426 00:18:06,781 --> 00:18:08,652 I was born a long time from yesterday. 427 00:18:08,696 --> 00:18:09,871 - You're here to spy on me, aren't you? - No, I just wanted-- 428 00:18:09,914 --> 00:18:11,612 - JAN: All righty! - Shit. Fuck. 429 00:18:11,655 --> 00:18:13,092 - Let's make it hot! -[cheering] - NANDOR: Yeah! 430 00:18:13,135 --> 00:18:15,920 Yes! Who is ready to burn? 431 00:18:15,964 --> 00:18:18,401 -[cheering, whooping] - Let's do this. 432 00:18:18,445 --> 00:18:20,360 - Five, six, seven, eight. -[upbeat music playing] 433 00:18:20,403 --> 00:18:23,276 Up, up. Come on. Give me something. 434 00:18:23,319 --> 00:18:26,322 Ooh, Nandy, becoming a natural. 435 00:18:26,366 --> 00:18:27,889 Looking good, baby. 436 00:18:27,932 --> 00:18:29,456 Looking good, come on. 437 00:18:29,499 --> 00:18:31,153 Put some stank on it. 438 00:18:31,197 --> 00:18:33,460 [group grunting rhythmically] 439 00:18:34,678 --> 00:18:36,289 Stop the music! 440 00:18:36,332 --> 00:18:37,551 -[music stops] - NANDOR: Oh, shit. 441 00:18:37,594 --> 00:18:39,074 You... 442 00:18:39,118 --> 00:18:40,336 Who are you? 443 00:18:41,729 --> 00:18:43,992 Oh, I'm-I'm just Guillermo. 444 00:18:44,035 --> 00:18:46,603 What the fuck are you doing here, Guillermo? 445 00:18:48,214 --> 00:18:50,781 Um, I'm, uh, just... 446 00:18:50,825 --> 00:18:52,131 I don't know him. 447 00:18:52,174 --> 00:18:55,569 Just working on my fitness. 448 00:18:55,612 --> 00:18:57,179 - Mm-hmm. - Check his bags. 449 00:18:57,223 --> 00:18:59,225 Well, that's my bag, so you can't do that. 450 00:18:59,268 --> 00:19:02,097 - That's my property. - Oh, no. You didn't. Tell me you didn't. 451 00:19:02,141 --> 00:19:04,795 - Yeah, just like towels and stuff. -[others gasping, screaming] 452 00:19:04,839 --> 00:19:06,319 Weapons! 453 00:19:06,362 --> 00:19:08,495 - Shit. - Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay. 454 00:19:08,538 --> 00:19:10,061 That's just not what it... that's not what it looks like. 455 00:19:10,105 --> 00:19:11,933 I wasn't gonna-- That was just in case something... 456 00:19:11,976 --> 00:19:13,717 Oh, no, no, no, no. Oh, no, Guillermo. 457 00:19:13,761 --> 00:19:15,023 -[clamoring] - I'm not gonna hurt anyone. 458 00:19:15,066 --> 00:19:16,416 I'm not gonna hurt anyone. 459 00:19:16,459 --> 00:19:18,287 JAN: My children! 460 00:19:18,331 --> 00:19:21,377 My fellow human children, 461 00:19:21,421 --> 00:19:24,119 we have been infiltrated. 462 00:19:24,163 --> 00:19:26,991 - No, I'm... - An interloper is here to ruin us. 463 00:19:27,035 --> 00:19:29,864 -[hissing] - He is here to kill us and our dreams. 464 00:19:29,907 --> 00:19:31,561 He must not leave here. 465 00:19:31,605 --> 00:19:33,781 He will bring more like him. 466 00:19:33,824 --> 00:19:36,175 [over P.A.]: My children, we are under attack. 467 00:19:36,218 --> 00:19:39,830 We cannot let this Guillermo go unpunished. 468 00:19:39,874 --> 00:19:41,876 [hissing] 469 00:19:43,138 --> 00:19:45,793 - What did you do, Guillermo? - Cover your face. 470 00:19:45,836 --> 00:19:47,795 - What? - Cover your face! 471 00:19:47,838 --> 00:19:51,407 - Ay! Aah! -[screaming, coughing] - Now! 472 00:19:51,451 --> 00:19:52,800 Come on, let's go! 473 00:19:52,843 --> 00:19:54,932 You covered my friends in garlic powder! 474 00:19:54,976 --> 00:19:56,673 I'm sorry! 475 00:19:56,717 --> 00:19:58,936 [grunting] 476 00:19:58,980 --> 00:20:00,677 - That's... - Come on! 477 00:20:00,721 --> 00:20:01,722 Sorry, Janet. 478 00:20:01,765 --> 00:20:03,027 Hey, let go. 479 00:20:03,071 --> 00:20:04,986 -[Guillermo yells] -[grunts] 480 00:20:05,029 --> 00:20:06,857 - You have a crucifix in your pocket? -[vampire cries out] 481 00:20:06,901 --> 00:20:08,946 - That's not nice. - Shut up! Let's go! 482 00:20:08,990 --> 00:20:10,383 You need to chillax! 483 00:20:10,426 --> 00:20:11,688 - My friends! - This way! 484 00:20:11,732 --> 00:20:13,124 NANDOR: Don't hurt my friends! 485 00:20:13,168 --> 00:20:15,344 [grunts, yells] 486 00:20:15,388 --> 00:20:17,303 [grunting] 487 00:20:17,346 --> 00:20:19,392 Ow! Did you bang your head? 488 00:20:19,435 --> 00:20:21,829 I don't know what's come over him. 489 00:20:21,872 --> 00:20:24,440 -[grunting] - Mimi! 490 00:20:24,484 --> 00:20:26,573 Mimi, I'm sorry about this! 491 00:20:26,616 --> 00:20:29,271 -[straining] -[Mimi crying out] - Ay. 492 00:20:29,315 --> 00:20:30,707 [both crying out] 493 00:20:30,751 --> 00:20:32,274 [both grunt] 494 00:20:33,319 --> 00:20:35,146 - Come on! Come on! - Let go! 495 00:20:35,190 --> 00:20:36,365 - Sorry, Mimi. - Stay with me! 496 00:20:36,409 --> 00:20:38,237 [screams, grunts] 497 00:20:38,280 --> 00:20:40,282 - Come on! - You just punched Jeremy. 498 00:20:40,326 --> 00:20:41,544 GUILLERMO: Fuck Jeremy! 499 00:20:41,588 --> 00:20:43,198 - Let's go. - What are you doing?! 500 00:20:43,242 --> 00:20:44,895 - I'm rescuing you, Master. - If I wasn't a human, 501 00:20:44,939 --> 00:20:47,768 I'd be crushing your dick and slamming it on the floor. 502 00:20:47,811 --> 00:20:50,727 - You're not a human. - Get off me! Ah! That tickles. 503 00:20:50,771 --> 00:20:53,077 - You've been brainwashed. -[engine starts] 504 00:20:53,121 --> 00:20:54,383 Where are you taking me? 505 00:20:54,427 --> 00:20:56,255 - I'm taking you home! -[tires screech] 506 00:20:56,298 --> 00:20:58,300 Don't want to be out here. I want to be in there with Jan! 507 00:20:58,344 --> 00:20:59,823 -GUILLERMO: You want to be home with us. - PRODUCER: Get in the van. 508 00:20:59,867 --> 00:21:01,129 That's where you want to be, okay? 509 00:21:01,172 --> 00:21:02,826 NANDOR: I didn't need rescuing. 510 00:21:02,870 --> 00:21:04,437 I was having a great time back there 511 00:21:04,480 --> 00:21:06,047 till you came and kicked everyone's ass. 512 00:21:06,090 --> 00:21:07,396 GUILLERMO: They were trying to kill me! 513 00:21:07,440 --> 00:21:08,528 NANDOR: They pulled all their fangs out. 514 00:21:08,571 --> 00:21:10,269 No one's going to bite you. 515 00:21:10,312 --> 00:21:13,010 We're a gentle people, a gentle human people. 516 00:21:13,054 --> 00:21:15,186 You're not a human, Master! 517 00:21:15,230 --> 00:21:17,754 I'm not? Then how do you explain this? 518 00:21:17,798 --> 00:21:20,104 ♪ It's been one week since you looked at me♪ 519 00:21:20,148 --> 00:21:21,976 ♪ Cocked your head to the side and said, "I'm angry"♪ 520 00:21:22,019 --> 00:21:23,717 ♪ Five days since you laughed at me.♪ 521 00:21:23,760 --> 00:21:25,545 I know the whole fucking song. 522 00:21:25,588 --> 00:21:28,069 I'd say that was pretty gosh-darn human, wouldn't you? 523 00:21:28,112 --> 00:21:29,157 You've been brainwashed. 524 00:21:29,200 --> 00:21:30,767 Brainwashed, "shmain-washed." 525 00:21:30,811 --> 00:21:33,161 You know, this is exactly what Jan warned us 526 00:21:33,204 --> 00:21:35,076 that the nonbelievers would accuse us of. 527 00:21:35,119 --> 00:21:36,556 You've been brainwashed, but it's okay, 528 00:21:36,599 --> 00:21:38,688 because we are going to deprogram you. 529 00:21:38,732 --> 00:21:41,082 -[Nandor muttering] - Stop. Let it go. 530 00:21:41,125 --> 00:21:43,563 Did you not think for a second-- Listen to me! 531 00:21:43,606 --> 00:21:45,565 Did you ever consider for one moment 532 00:21:45,608 --> 00:21:49,264 that I might be happy for the first time in decades? 533 00:21:49,308 --> 00:21:51,310 Decades! 534 00:21:51,353 --> 00:21:54,791 That I found somewhere where I feel that I belong? 535 00:21:54,835 --> 00:21:57,664 That makes me feel useful and powerful 536 00:21:57,707 --> 00:21:59,709 in ways I've never felt. 537 00:21:59,753 --> 00:22:01,320 Never! 538 00:22:01,363 --> 00:22:03,278 Not in 700 years. 539 00:22:03,322 --> 00:22:05,019 Did you ever consider that? 540 00:22:06,150 --> 00:22:08,588 - No. - No. 541 00:22:10,285 --> 00:22:11,678 So what I'm going to do now is 542 00:22:11,721 --> 00:22:13,332 I'm going to get out of this car, 543 00:22:13,375 --> 00:22:15,856 and I'm going to go and get a taxi or a bus 544 00:22:15,899 --> 00:22:18,162 or subway or Lyft or Uber, 545 00:22:18,206 --> 00:22:22,253 and I'm gonna go back to my human community. 546 00:22:22,297 --> 00:22:24,168 And that is that. 547 00:22:24,212 --> 00:22:25,866 [screams] 548 00:22:25,909 --> 00:22:28,434 When did you install silver rope-lined seat belts 549 00:22:28,477 --> 00:22:30,131 in this little shitbox? 550 00:22:30,174 --> 00:22:32,655 Sorry, Master. It's for your own good. 551 00:22:32,699 --> 00:22:34,744 -[Nandor cries out] -[tires screech] 552 00:22:41,098 --> 00:22:42,883 [panting]: You guys, you guys. 553 00:22:42,926 --> 00:22:44,363 Catch your breath, boy. 554 00:22:44,406 --> 00:22:45,494 I think I did something really drastic. 555 00:22:45,538 --> 00:22:47,017 Oh, you pierce your pee-pee? 556 00:22:47,061 --> 00:22:48,758 - No, but-- - NADJA: Tattoo your pee-pee? 557 00:22:48,802 --> 00:22:50,804 - You guys-- - Tell us more about your pee-pee. 558 00:22:50,847 --> 00:22:52,109 You've never been so interesting. 559 00:22:52,153 --> 00:22:53,415 Stop talking about my pee-pee, okay? 560 00:22:53,459 --> 00:22:54,198 I didn't do anything to my pee-pee! 561 00:22:54,242 --> 00:22:55,374 [all groan] 562 00:22:55,417 --> 00:22:56,592 Okay, just trust that what I did 563 00:22:56,636 --> 00:22:58,159 I had to do, okay? Do you trust me? 564 00:22:58,202 --> 00:22:59,639 - LASZLO: No. - COLIN: No. - NADJA: No. 565 00:23:06,689 --> 00:23:09,997 - LASZLO: Who the fuck is that? - NADJA: Oh, my-- ew! 566 00:23:10,040 --> 00:23:12,129 - COLIN: What the hell? -[gasps] 567 00:23:12,173 --> 00:23:14,001 LASZLO: I'd say he's been brainwashed. 568 00:23:14,044 --> 00:23:15,829 Right, okay, Colin Robinson, 569 00:23:15,872 --> 00:23:17,439 go to the council library and see if there's 570 00:23:17,483 --> 00:23:19,441 any literature on the art of deprogramming. 571 00:23:19,485 --> 00:23:21,138 -[Nadja groans] - No, there's no need to do that, Colin Robinson, 572 00:23:21,182 --> 00:23:23,010 because I am not brainwashed. I am perfectly sane. 573 00:23:23,053 --> 00:23:25,491 I was just having fun with my new friends. 574 00:23:25,534 --> 00:23:28,450 That's, uh, basically what Patricia Krenwinkel said. 575 00:23:28,494 --> 00:23:30,713 Open your mouth. Good Lord, he's pulled his fangs out. 576 00:23:30,757 --> 00:23:33,324 -[Nadja groaning] - No, no. No, no, no, it's not what you think. 577 00:23:33,368 --> 00:23:35,544 - Nandor! [whimpering] - LASZLO: You stay in there, old pal, 578 00:23:35,588 --> 00:23:37,546 and I'll go and find someone 579 00:23:37,590 --> 00:23:39,548 to mend that fucked-up brain of yours. 580 00:23:39,592 --> 00:23:41,289 No, there's no need to do that. 581 00:23:41,332 --> 00:23:43,509 - Laszlo? Guillermo? Please. Come on. - I'm sorry. 582 00:23:43,552 --> 00:23:45,728 Guillermo! No! 583 00:23:45,772 --> 00:23:49,993 ♪ Lights go out all over town♪ 584 00:23:50,037 --> 00:23:52,300 ♪ People in the city♪ 585 00:23:52,343 --> 00:23:55,956 ♪ Could hear the siren's sound♪ 586 00:23:57,218 --> 00:24:00,700 You said if we trusted you, you would always protect us. 587 00:24:00,743 --> 00:24:02,353 WOMAN VAMPIRE: You lied to us! 588 00:24:02,397 --> 00:24:03,833 - Calm down. -[clamoring] 589 00:24:03,877 --> 00:24:05,661 - Please calm down, my children. -[hissing] 590 00:24:05,705 --> 00:24:08,055 The time has come for the final rejection of eternal life. 591 00:24:08,098 --> 00:24:10,449 -[cheering] - It is time! 592 00:24:10,492 --> 00:24:12,189 For the ultimate burn! 593 00:24:12,233 --> 00:24:14,017 - Everyone, to the roof. Yes! -[clamoring] 594 00:24:14,061 --> 00:24:17,281 [singsongy]: We will all walk into the sunlight. 595 00:24:17,325 --> 00:24:19,370 Come on, baby. 596 00:24:19,414 --> 00:24:20,720 Come on. That's it. 597 00:24:20,763 --> 00:24:22,852 -[screaming] - That's it. Oh... 598 00:24:22,896 --> 00:24:25,115 My children, my children. 599 00:24:25,159 --> 00:24:26,813 Don't worry, Marilyn. 600 00:24:26,856 --> 00:24:29,293 I'll be right out there in a minute, girl! 601 00:24:29,337 --> 00:24:31,339 -[screaming continues] - I'm right behind you. 602 00:24:32,558 --> 00:24:35,648 Well, back to the drawing board. 603 00:24:35,691 --> 00:24:37,476 [screeching] 604 00:24:38,999 --> 00:24:41,741 ♪ Run with me♪ 605 00:24:41,784 --> 00:24:44,831 ♪ This is an emergency♪ 606 00:24:44,874 --> 00:24:47,660 ♪ Stay with me♪ 607 00:24:47,703 --> 00:24:50,880 ♪ Tonight♪ 608 00:24:52,273 --> 00:24:55,581 ♪ I'm sending out an SOS♪ 609 00:24:57,887 --> 00:25:01,369 ♪ It's the real thing, not a test♪ 610 00:25:02,805 --> 00:25:04,546 ♪ Tonight♪ 611 00:25:04,590 --> 00:25:06,635 ♪ There's trouble in the city.♪ 612 00:25:17,820 --> 00:25:18,255 COLIN ROBINSON READING] 613 00:25:42,105 --> 00:25:43,890 [COLIN ROBINSON CHUCKLING][UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING] 614 00:25:48,068 --> 00:25:49,112 [CELL PHONE RINGING] 615 00:25:54,683 --> 00:25:56,903 MONICA: Hello? 616 00:25:56,946 --> 00:25:58,557 WOMAN: [OVER PHONE] Please hold for the President of the United States. 617 00:26:01,821 --> 00:26:04,388 MAN: Hey. I've been thinking about you. 618 00:26:06,260 --> 00:26:07,261 Hi, handsome. 619 00:26:18,272 --> 00:26:19,882 MAN: My name's Archer. 620 00:26:19,926 --> 00:26:21,492 Uh, I'm an egomaniac who endangers every mission. 621 00:26:21,536 --> 00:26:25,018 Also, I'm inebriated almost 24 hours a day. 622 00:26:25,061 --> 00:26:27,324 Lose the almost and then take it again 623 00:26:27,368 --> 00:26:28,804 [UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING] 624 00:26:34,244 --> 00:26:35,898 My name is B. J. Novak. I wanna tell you about this show I made. 625 00:26:35,942 --> 00:26:38,335 It's a completely different episode every time. 626 00:26:38,379 --> 00:26:39,467 - Pop culture. - Sex. 627 00:26:39,510 --> 00:26:40,555 MAN: Revenge. 628 00:26:40,599 --> 00:26:41,600 Here it is. Is that it? 629 00:26:42,296 --> 00:26:43,297 That's it. 630 00:26:48,215 --> 00:26:49,129 [INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING] 631 00:26:49,172 --> 00:26:51,522 Nobody can know about him. 632 00:26:51,566 --> 00:26:52,959 People are going to have to take sides.