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00:00:01,871 --> 00:00:03,133
ARCHER: You're probably
wondering what we're doing.
2
00:00:03,177 --> 00:00:05,092
Short answer,
saving the earth.
3
00:00:05,135 --> 00:00:06,745
Again.
4
00:00:06,789 --> 00:00:08,008
I'm not leaving without you.
5
00:00:08,051 --> 00:00:10,271
I need something soft
to land on.
6
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[BOTH SCREAMING]
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LASZLO:
Previously on
this filmed documentary program,
8
00:00:25,851 --> 00:00:28,941
or whatever the fuck
this is supposed to be.
9
00:00:28,985 --> 00:00:32,336
Behind this door is
the living quarters of The Sire.
10
00:00:32,380 --> 00:00:33,859
The actual Sire?
11
00:00:33,903 --> 00:00:36,471
Do not ever open this door.
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- Peekaboo.
-[growling]
13
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-[coughs]
- GUIDE: As I was saying,
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- do not ever...
- Open the door.
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Yeah, yeah, yeah. Got it.
16
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As leader of...
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Coleader.
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00:00:52,095 --> 00:00:54,054
...of the Vampiric Council,
it is one of my...
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Our.
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00:00:56,404 --> 00:00:59,146
...our duties
to be looking after The Sire.
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NANDOR:
The Sire is the original vampire
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from which all other vampires
are descended.
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Over the centuries,
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it has devolved into a horrific
and fearsome creature.
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00:01:11,201 --> 00:01:15,205
NADJA:
He is one very angry,
very crispy piece of crust.
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00:01:15,249 --> 00:01:18,730
But its continued health
is of extreme importance
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00:01:18,774 --> 00:01:21,516
for the fate
of all vampire-kind.
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[chuckles]: So, uh, why are we
talking to you about The Sire?
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- Um...
-[inhales sharply]
30
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It is a fucking mess down here.
31
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No one is respecting
my organizational system.
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00:01:35,791 --> 00:01:37,749
What are you
pissing on about?
33
00:01:37,793 --> 00:01:39,316
Look at this.
34
00:01:39,360 --> 00:01:41,449
What is the point
of having a glowing orb section
35
00:01:41,492 --> 00:01:44,843
if you're gonna put the glowing
orb in the monkey paw section?
36
00:01:44,887 --> 00:01:46,845
I've just got to find this
stupid magic flute for Laszlo.
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00:01:46,889 --> 00:01:48,847
He wants to use it
to seduce some mail woman,
38
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and to be honest,
I'm here for it. [chuckles]
39
00:01:50,849 --> 00:01:52,112
Oh, shit.
40
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- What is it?
- Shit, shit, shit,
41
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-[gasps] The Sire!
- shit!
42
00:01:55,332 --> 00:01:56,638
-[Nadja gasps]
- He is... Oh...
43
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- Open-open the door, Nandor.
- Yes.
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00:01:58,422 --> 00:02:00,120
Got it.
45
00:02:01,382 --> 00:02:03,471
- Oh, for fuck's sake.
- Oh, damn.
46
00:02:03,514 --> 00:02:04,733
- Oh.
-[groans]
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NADJA:
Oh, The Sire.
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00:02:06,343 --> 00:02:07,605
NANDOR:
Sire.
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00:02:07,649 --> 00:02:08,998
NADJA:
Oh, no.
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00:02:09,041 --> 00:02:10,608
It seems that The Sire
was so hungry
51
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that it took the
sharpened bones of its victims
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and tunneled a hole in the wall.
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I can't believe it.
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NANDOR:
Little rascal.
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I can't believe you
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managed to mess this up
so badly, Nandor.
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It was your job
to feed The Sire.
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- Me?
- Yes, you.
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What?
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NADJA:
So, yeah,
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turns out I never actually
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told Nandor to feed The Sire.
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[groans, laughs softly]
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How is this my fault?
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Because I said to you that
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you're the one to be responsible
for feeding The Sire.
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What have I done?
[crying]
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NADJA:
I was meaning to.
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I even wrote it
on a sticky note.
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"Ask Nandor Feed Sire."
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But I never actually got around
to giving him the message.
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[Nandor wailing]
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So, you know, I think
it's very difficult to say
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who's at fault, really.
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[Nandor sobbing]
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["You're Dead"
by Norma Tanega playing]
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♪ Don't sing if you want
to live long♪
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♪ They have no use
for your song♪
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♪ You're dead, you're dead,
you're dead♪
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♪ You're dead
and out of this world♪
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00:03:15,369 --> 00:03:18,415
♪ Now your hope and compassion
is gone♪
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♪ You sold out your dream
to the world♪
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00:03:21,244 --> 00:03:23,507
♪ Stay dead, stay dead,
stay dead♪
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00:03:23,551 --> 00:03:26,206
♪ You're dead
and out of this world.♪
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♪
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NADJA:
Why are you just
fucking sitting there?!
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- We're all gonna fucking die!
- NANDOR: All die.
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00:03:39,871 --> 00:03:41,482
Oh, my love.
Please don't tell me
89
00:03:41,525 --> 00:03:43,614
you believe in this bullshit?
- Of course I do.
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00:03:43,658 --> 00:03:46,313
If the vampire that
turns you dies, then you die.
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00:03:46,356 --> 00:03:49,664
So, if the original vampire
dies, you all die?
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00:03:49,707 --> 00:03:51,927
- NANDOR: All die.
- LASZLO: No,
it's a fucking urban myth.
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Like ghosts or large penises.
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You don't want to help?
Fine.
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I will fix this.
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Since this is all
my big dumb stupid fault.
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00:03:59,804 --> 00:04:01,632
- GUILLERMO: No, Master.
- LASZLO: Yes.
-[dog barking]
98
00:04:01,676 --> 00:04:04,156
-[hissing]
- Control that hellhound!
- NADJA: Nandor, wait!
99
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- Nandor...
- People will believe anything
these days. [laughs]
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00:04:06,507 --> 00:04:08,030
Absolutely anything.
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00:04:08,073 --> 00:04:10,250
I tell you,
if what they're saying is true,
102
00:04:10,293 --> 00:04:13,078
both my wife and I
would be dead by now.
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00:04:13,122 --> 00:04:15,733
- Yeah.
- The Baron obviously
turned my wife into a vampire
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00:04:15,777 --> 00:04:17,953
and she turned me
into a vampire.
105
00:04:17,996 --> 00:04:20,738
You two should be dead because
The Baron is definitely dead.
106
00:04:20,782 --> 00:04:22,305
- Absolutely.
-[chuckles]
107
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The Baron is definitely dead.
108
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Yeah, burnt to a crisp
and buried in the backyard.
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In the back garden, as we speak.
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- Fuck. Get a shovel.
- Yeah.
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LASZLO:
Gizmo!
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00:04:33,055 --> 00:04:34,491
I am not accustomed
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00:04:34,535 --> 00:04:37,364
to taking responsibility
for my missteps.
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00:04:37,407 --> 00:04:40,149
When I was
a military general,
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00:04:40,192 --> 00:04:42,369
if there was a problem
in one of my various wars,
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I would simply
blame another nation
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00:04:45,241 --> 00:04:47,025
and then we would
go to war with them.
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00:04:47,069 --> 00:04:49,550
And so on, etcetera.
We've all been there.
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00:04:49,593 --> 00:04:52,509
But, as leader
of the Vampiric Council...
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00:04:52,553 --> 00:04:54,859
NADJA:
Coleader!
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I must swallow my pride
and do what is right.
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It says here that the correct
name for The Sire
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00:05:02,084 --> 00:05:05,957
is, in fact, uh,
"G-G-Gajillarum"?
124
00:05:06,001 --> 00:05:09,483
NADJA:
I think you swallow the "G,"
so it's like "Yarilariur."
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00:05:09,526 --> 00:05:10,875
It doesn't seem right.
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00:05:10,919 --> 00:05:12,660
- Are you sure?
- NADJA: No.
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00:05:12,703 --> 00:05:14,575
I need to figure this out before
my press conference begins.
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No, what? We don't need
to do a press conference,
129
00:05:16,620 --> 00:05:18,056
we just need
to capture the bloody thing.
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00:05:18,100 --> 00:05:20,755
No! I need to let
the vampire community know
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what is happening
and put their mind at ease.
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'Cause it is I who have failed
to perform a very simple job.
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I don't think we need to-- Oh.
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00:05:26,848 --> 00:05:29,590
Over the power of the ether,
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00:05:29,633 --> 00:05:31,809
I hereby summon
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00:05:31,853 --> 00:05:34,725
the vampire society's
most respected journalists,
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00:05:34,769 --> 00:05:36,945
news anchors,
bloggers, vloggers
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00:05:36,988 --> 00:05:41,515
and high school yearbook
editors. [grunts]
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00:05:41,558 --> 00:05:44,126
-[quiet chatter]
- Oh, it worked.
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[clears throat]
Thank you all for coming.
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Is this thing on?
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00:05:47,434 --> 00:05:49,261
- Are you fucking kidding me?
- Uh...
143
00:05:49,305 --> 00:05:51,612
But now is not the time
for jokes. [clears throat]
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00:05:51,655 --> 00:05:53,396
This evening,
145
00:05:53,440 --> 00:05:56,356
at approximately 9:53
in the p.m. Staten Island time,
146
00:05:56,399 --> 00:05:59,750
the creature known as The Sire,
147
00:05:59,794 --> 00:06:03,363
- aka Girlyjim...
- Nailed it.
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00:06:03,406 --> 00:06:05,626
...escaped
Vampiric Council watch
149
00:06:05,669 --> 00:06:07,845
and is currently at large
150
00:06:07,889 --> 00:06:10,761
- in the tristate area,
exact location unknown.
-[overlapping chatter]
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00:06:10,805 --> 00:06:13,634
I, Nandor The Relentless,
152
00:06:13,677 --> 00:06:17,638
co-supreme leader
of the Vampiric Council,
153
00:06:17,681 --> 00:06:21,381
- do hereby accept full
responsibility for this misstep.
-[clamoring]
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00:06:21,424 --> 00:06:22,730
- Time for questions.
- REPORTER: I have a question!
- Coleader Nandor.
155
00:06:22,773 --> 00:06:24,253
- Yes?
- Coleader Nandor, hi.
156
00:06:24,296 --> 00:06:25,689
Uh, Lars Murderbone,
Orlando Sentinel.
157
00:06:25,733 --> 00:06:27,387
Is there currently
any kind of plan in place
158
00:06:27,430 --> 00:06:28,997
to capture The Sire?
159
00:06:29,040 --> 00:06:31,478
We have a plan and it is
going absolutely perfectly.
160
00:06:31,521 --> 00:06:33,175
- So, you can go.
- Yes.
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00:06:33,218 --> 00:06:35,656
And you know, there's a lot
of speculation saying,
162
00:06:35,699 --> 00:06:38,485
"Oh, this is gonna be the end
of vampires as we know it."
163
00:06:38,528 --> 00:06:40,704
- What?!
-[concerned chatter]
- No one asked.
164
00:06:40,748 --> 00:06:43,620
Even if that did happen,
we've had a wonderful run,
165
00:06:43,664 --> 00:06:45,405
haven't we?
We've had a great time.
166
00:06:45,448 --> 00:06:47,581
- You've doomed us all!
- Oh, no!
167
00:06:47,624 --> 00:06:50,192
Okay, bye.
168
00:06:51,759 --> 00:06:55,980
You have just made things
significantly worse.
169
00:06:56,024 --> 00:06:57,808
[stammers]
170
00:06:57,852 --> 00:07:00,158
- No. No.
-[crying]
171
00:07:01,464 --> 00:07:05,033
- Dig there.
-[sighs] That's literally
what I'm doing right now.
172
00:07:05,076 --> 00:07:06,643
Well, dig deeper.
173
00:07:06,687 --> 00:07:08,428
I can't remember
where we buried the bastard.
174
00:07:08,471 --> 00:07:09,646
Might this be him?
175
00:07:09,690 --> 00:07:10,821
COLIN:
Uh, that might not.
176
00:07:10,865 --> 00:07:13,607
That is the census taker, 1990.
177
00:07:13,650 --> 00:07:15,435
- What about this chap?
- COLIN: Nope.
178
00:07:15,478 --> 00:07:17,698
Oh, for fuck's sake.
179
00:07:17,741 --> 00:07:20,657
Now that rock
is beginning to ring a bell.
180
00:07:20,701 --> 00:07:21,963
That rock there.
181
00:07:22,006 --> 00:07:23,355
That does ring a bell,
that rock.
182
00:07:23,399 --> 00:07:26,097
Baron? Are you there?
183
00:07:26,141 --> 00:07:27,838
BARON:
Yes.
184
00:07:27,882 --> 00:07:29,449
- COLIN: Oh, my God.
- LASZLO: Shit.
185
00:07:29,492 --> 00:07:30,754
- GUILLERMO: Did you hear that?
- LASZLO: Baron?
186
00:07:30,798 --> 00:07:32,277
- BARON: Yes?
- LASZLO: It's over there.
187
00:07:32,321 --> 00:07:34,366
- Baron?
- Baron?
- BARON: I am here.
188
00:07:34,410 --> 00:07:35,542
- LASZLO: Here, here.
Start digging, man.
- COLIN: Here. Come on.
189
00:07:35,585 --> 00:07:37,282
-[groans]
- Shit.
190
00:07:37,326 --> 00:07:40,285
BARON:
[grunts] Big pull now.
Almost there.
191
00:07:40,329 --> 00:07:42,462
[grunts]
192
00:07:42,505 --> 00:07:46,335
-[Baron sighs]
- Well, fancy seeing you here,
Baron.
193
00:07:46,378 --> 00:07:49,469
-[laughing]
- We thought you were dead.
194
00:07:49,512 --> 00:07:51,427
Well, no, I am not.
[laughs]
195
00:07:51,471 --> 00:07:53,385
You see,
when you buried me,
196
00:07:53,429 --> 00:07:57,520
I was pretty much dead,
but not completely dead.
197
00:07:57,564 --> 00:07:59,130
[humming]
198
00:07:59,174 --> 00:08:01,524
NANDOR:
Give The Baron his last sip.
199
00:08:01,568 --> 00:08:02,743
- LASZLO: Of course.
- NADJA: [humming]
200
00:08:02,786 --> 00:08:04,179
NADJA:
Shall we just get him in?
201
00:08:04,222 --> 00:08:05,963
- LASZLO: Yeah.
- NADJA: Goodbye, Baron.
202
00:08:06,007 --> 00:08:08,400
I was able to slowly
regain my strength,
203
00:08:08,444 --> 00:08:11,229
subsisting on the blood-soaked dirt
204
00:08:11,273 --> 00:08:15,669
of the many, many humans
you have buried out here.
205
00:08:15,712 --> 00:08:17,192
That was a bit of luck.
206
00:08:17,235 --> 00:08:19,586
Now, I did try to dig my way
to the surface
207
00:08:19,629 --> 00:08:21,588
using just my mouth
208
00:08:21,631 --> 00:08:25,679
and this one arm
that is fused to my chest.
209
00:08:25,722 --> 00:08:29,247
I guess I was digging sideways
instead of up.
210
00:08:29,291 --> 00:08:31,162
[laughter]
211
00:08:31,206 --> 00:08:35,558
Yeah, that'll happen
when your arm is, uh, yeah.
212
00:08:35,602 --> 00:08:38,779
Soon, I recovered enough
to cry out
213
00:08:38,822 --> 00:08:41,042
and beg you to dig me up.
214
00:08:41,085 --> 00:08:43,784
Uh, "Help! Help!" I cried.
215
00:08:43,827 --> 00:08:45,873
- Oh, okay. That was you, then.
- LASZLO: Right.
216
00:08:45,916 --> 00:08:47,570
Yeah, I heard the screams,
217
00:08:47,614 --> 00:08:49,833
but I just thought it was
someone in the neighborhood
218
00:08:49,877 --> 00:08:52,575
in grave danger.
I was like, "Not my problem."
219
00:08:52,619 --> 00:08:54,359
That is all in the past,
220
00:08:54,403 --> 00:08:59,321
because I am now back,
and I have never felt better.
221
00:08:59,364 --> 00:09:02,019
-[laughs] If I,
if I could just... get...
- COLIN: Well, you look good.
222
00:09:02,063 --> 00:09:05,501
[grunts] Oh, oh. Almost.
Ah. Yes, okay.
223
00:09:05,545 --> 00:09:07,329
- LASZLO: There we go.
- BARON: Okay.
224
00:09:07,372 --> 00:09:09,853
- Who wants to get smacked first?
- LASZLO: Oh. [laughs]
225
00:09:09,897 --> 00:09:11,855
Yeah, it was
a little nerve-racking
226
00:09:11,899 --> 00:09:14,554
seeing The Baron again,
considering our-our history.
227
00:09:14,597 --> 00:09:15,990
[Baron grunts]
228
00:09:16,033 --> 00:09:19,123
♪
229
00:09:19,167 --> 00:09:20,864
But he doesn't seem
to remember anything.
230
00:09:20,908 --> 00:09:23,911
He was on a lot of
drug blood that night, so...
231
00:09:23,954 --> 00:09:26,957
[chuckles]: What he don't
know won't hurt him, or me.
232
00:09:27,001 --> 00:09:28,829
So nice to be back in the arms
233
00:09:28,872 --> 00:09:33,529
- of a big, strong boy. Mwah.
-[Guillermo whimpers]
234
00:09:33,573 --> 00:09:35,183
GUILLERMO:
But this means that
that Sire theory--
235
00:09:35,226 --> 00:09:36,488
"If he dies they all die"--
236
00:09:36,532 --> 00:09:38,229
that might be real.
237
00:09:38,273 --> 00:09:39,927
LASZLO:
Sorry, Baron. Urgent matter.
238
00:09:39,970 --> 00:09:42,059
We must attend to it. Bye!
239
00:09:42,103 --> 00:09:44,105
GUIDE:
Feed him. A simple task.
240
00:09:44,148 --> 00:09:45,497
NANDOR:
I accept full responsibility.
241
00:09:45,541 --> 00:09:47,456
GUIDE:
I don't see how that helps us.
242
00:09:47,499 --> 00:09:50,328
- BARON: Oh, good evening,
my sweet companions.
-[others gasping]
243
00:09:50,372 --> 00:09:52,635
The Baron. You're alive... ish.
244
00:09:52,679 --> 00:09:55,638
- Well, catch me up.
Have you taken over America?
- NADJA: Uh...
245
00:09:55,682 --> 00:09:58,815
Well, we've, um, taken over
the local Vampiric Council.
246
00:09:58,859 --> 00:09:59,816
- Huzzah!
-[Nadja chuckles]
247
00:09:59,860 --> 00:10:01,644
Yes, huzzah!
248
00:10:01,688 --> 00:10:03,646
But it's not going so great.
249
00:10:03,690 --> 00:10:05,300
Understatement of the year.
250
00:10:05,343 --> 00:10:06,823
DOLL NADJA:
What she said.
251
00:10:06,867 --> 00:10:08,695
Yes, you've picked
a bit of a shitty time
252
00:10:08,738 --> 00:10:10,827
- to come back from the dead.
- BARON: I see.
253
00:10:10,871 --> 00:10:13,047
Uh, speaking of which,
could one of you be a dear
254
00:10:13,090 --> 00:10:14,962
and push my eye back in?
255
00:10:15,005 --> 00:10:17,399
- Guillermo?
- Guillermo.
-[eye squishes]
256
00:10:17,442 --> 00:10:20,576
-[Nandor groans]
- Also, I think one of my ears
fell off in the foyer,
257
00:10:20,620 --> 00:10:22,709
- if we could...
- Which one?
- Does it matter?
258
00:10:22,752 --> 00:10:25,668
- NANDOR: Which ear was it again?
- BARON: The right one.
259
00:10:25,712 --> 00:10:27,409
We need to find The Sire!
260
00:10:27,452 --> 00:10:28,802
I believe his theory.
I always have.
261
00:10:28,845 --> 00:10:30,630
Oh. Shit. They're right,
what are we doing?
262
00:10:30,673 --> 00:10:32,675
- Nobody panic. Everybody...
- NANDOR: I'm not panicking!
263
00:10:32,719 --> 00:10:33,894
We're all gonna die!
264
00:10:33,937 --> 00:10:35,417
-[screams]
- LASZLO: My sword.
265
00:10:35,460 --> 00:10:36,287
GUILLERMO: Come on,
there's no time to waste!
266
00:10:36,331 --> 00:10:37,332
Help! [cries]
267
00:10:37,375 --> 00:10:39,726
[holds high-pitched note]
268
00:10:42,729 --> 00:10:45,557
Sorry, there's not chalkboard in
here, so I had to use my mouth.
269
00:10:45,601 --> 00:10:48,256
So, you want to catch a vampire,
huh?
270
00:10:48,299 --> 00:10:50,693
Well, it ain't gonna be easy.
271
00:10:50,737 --> 00:10:53,957
It's not like catching rats
or elderly joggers.
272
00:10:54,001 --> 00:10:56,917
COLIN:
Joggers.
Yeah, that's Jaws, 1975.
273
00:10:56,960 --> 00:11:00,007
The shark kept malfunctioning,
and so Spielberg...
274
00:11:00,050 --> 00:11:01,573
Shut up!
275
00:11:01,617 --> 00:11:03,227
You promoted me
to be a bodyguard.
276
00:11:03,271 --> 00:11:06,970
I believe that
I should be in charge
277
00:11:07,014 --> 00:11:08,580
of catching The Sire.
278
00:11:10,844 --> 00:11:13,585
- All right.
- Yeah. Fuck it.
- What?
279
00:11:13,629 --> 00:11:15,283
- Okay, fine.
Yeah, sure, whatever.
- LASZLO: Don't give a shit.
280
00:11:15,326 --> 00:11:17,285
Now wait just a moment.
281
00:11:17,328 --> 00:11:20,680
You are going to place
the fate of all vampire-kind
282
00:11:20,723 --> 00:11:23,857
into the hands of your familiar?
283
00:11:23,900 --> 00:11:26,903
Well, he's actually
quite a skilled vampire hunter.
284
00:11:26,947 --> 00:11:31,647
- I mean, he killed you.
-[Guillermo hums]
285
00:11:31,691 --> 00:11:36,130
-...gene, he killed Eugene.
A very powerful vampire.
- Oh.
286
00:11:36,173 --> 00:11:38,654
Maybe later we'll talk
about Eugene some more,
287
00:11:38,698 --> 00:11:39,655
but, Guide Lady,
I need you to check in
288
00:11:39,699 --> 00:11:41,048
with your intel sources.
289
00:11:41,091 --> 00:11:42,571
How do you know
I have intel sources?
290
00:11:42,614 --> 00:11:44,094
Oh, you don't?
291
00:11:44,138 --> 00:11:47,097
No, I-I do have
intel sources. The Watchers.
292
00:11:47,141 --> 00:11:48,751
Nadja, why don't you
go with her, tag along?
293
00:11:48,795 --> 00:11:50,274
- Maybe you'll learn
a thing or two.
-[gasps]
294
00:11:50,318 --> 00:11:51,928
And, Laszlo, why don't you
change your shoes,
295
00:11:51,972 --> 00:11:53,669
'cause those don't look comfy
at all, and you're gonna
296
00:11:53,713 --> 00:11:55,236
- do some groundwork, okay?
- Why don't you get fucked?
297
00:11:55,279 --> 00:11:57,629
Okay. And you go get me
a glass of water, no ice.
298
00:11:57,673 --> 00:11:59,066
Yeah, I wouldn't have a clue
299
00:11:59,109 --> 00:12:00,763
where you would find
something like that.
300
00:12:00,807 --> 00:12:02,809
- NANDOR: Don't get cocky.
- NADJA: Eat shit, Guillermo.
301
00:12:02,852 --> 00:12:04,462
-[overlapping chatter]
- LASZLO: Have you got some sack,
my boy.
302
00:12:04,506 --> 00:12:06,856
So then, if you don't need me,
I'll be on my way.
303
00:12:06,900 --> 00:12:08,249
NANDOR: Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, Guillermo.
304
00:12:08,292 --> 00:12:09,859
- Not so fast.
-[overlapping chatter]
305
00:12:09,903 --> 00:12:12,209
- Not so fast, old chap.
- GUILLERMO: Okay, then.
306
00:12:12,253 --> 00:12:14,646
What are you waiting for?
You have your orders. Go.
307
00:12:14,690 --> 00:12:15,735
- Let's do it.
- Come on.
-[overlapping chatter]
308
00:12:19,260 --> 00:12:21,001
GUIDE:
When I'm in desperate need
of information,
309
00:12:21,044 --> 00:12:22,567
I have two go-to sources.
310
00:12:22,611 --> 00:12:23,786
The Watchers.
311
00:12:23,830 --> 00:12:26,310
[bats squeaking]
312
00:12:28,922 --> 00:12:30,358
NADJA:
Are they meeting us here, or...?
313
00:12:30,401 --> 00:12:31,707
GUIDE:
Oh, they're here already.
314
00:12:31,751 --> 00:12:33,883
They've always been here.
315
00:12:33,927 --> 00:12:36,190
I mean, at least
since this building was built.
316
00:12:36,233 --> 00:12:37,931
Hello, ladies.
317
00:12:37,974 --> 00:12:40,107
-[gargoyles groaning]
- Oh, yeah.
318
00:12:40,150 --> 00:12:41,935
[exhales]
319
00:12:41,978 --> 00:12:44,459
- Honey, it's been way too long.
- Oh.
320
00:12:44,502 --> 00:12:46,809
And looks like
you finally made a friend.
321
00:12:46,853 --> 00:12:49,333
- NADJA: Hello.
- GUIDE: We have
a desperate emergency.
322
00:12:49,377 --> 00:12:51,335
We were wondering
if anyone has spotted
323
00:12:51,379 --> 00:12:53,598
an ancient vampire on the loose?
324
00:12:53,642 --> 00:12:56,993
- About four-foot-nine.
Horrible face.
- GARGOYLE 2: Oh, my.
325
00:12:57,037 --> 00:12:58,386
Completely naked.
326
00:12:58,429 --> 00:13:00,910
Genitalia like nothing
you've ever seen.
327
00:13:00,954 --> 00:13:03,739
[laughs]: You'd be surprised
at what I have seen,
328
00:13:03,783 --> 00:13:05,697
but no,
not ringing any bells.
329
00:13:05,741 --> 00:13:07,003
Speaking of ringing bells,
listen to this.
330
00:13:07,047 --> 00:13:08,483
You know how
Count Blake the Torturous
331
00:13:08,526 --> 00:13:09,701
is selling
his haunted clock tower?
332
00:13:09,745 --> 00:13:11,181
- Yes.
- Well, it turns out
333
00:13:11,225 --> 00:13:13,618
they had to lower
the asking price, twice.
334
00:13:13,662 --> 00:13:15,185
- Twice!
-[Nadja laughs]
- In this market?
335
00:13:15,229 --> 00:13:17,187
I know. Just because
it has half a staircase
336
00:13:17,231 --> 00:13:18,841
doesn't make it a duplex.
337
00:13:18,885 --> 00:13:21,801
Also, yeah, they're, like,
super gossipy bitches.
338
00:13:21,844 --> 00:13:23,454
Oh! Sorry! This is very urgent!
339
00:13:23,498 --> 00:13:25,543
- Back to it, please.
We need your help.
- No fun.
340
00:13:25,587 --> 00:13:27,807
All right, I'll check in with
some of the other gargoyles.
341
00:13:27,850 --> 00:13:28,982
GUIDE:
Thank you.
342
00:13:29,025 --> 00:13:31,898
[loud truck horn honking]
343
00:13:31,941 --> 00:13:33,943
Oh, you know, I've heard
this sound at night sometimes,
344
00:13:33,987 --> 00:13:36,685
but I always just thought
it was a passing truck.
345
00:13:36,728 --> 00:13:37,860
Huh!
346
00:13:37,904 --> 00:13:39,819
-[honking in distance]
- Oh.
347
00:13:39,862 --> 00:13:41,472
GARGOYLE:
All right, all right,
I've got something for you.
348
00:13:41,516 --> 00:13:44,824
So, hearing from one
of my 'goyles out in Queens...
349
00:13:44,867 --> 00:13:46,129
"'Goyles." We get it.
350
00:13:46,173 --> 00:13:48,697
Low-hanging fruit
has never made me laugh.
351
00:13:48,740 --> 00:13:50,873
[chuckles] Your sense of humor
is so fucking interesting.
352
00:13:50,917 --> 00:13:52,875
Oh, shut up, you old cooze.
353
00:13:52,919 --> 00:13:54,834
- The Sire! The Sire!
- You got it.
354
00:13:54,877 --> 00:13:56,966
A creature
that matches that description
355
00:13:57,010 --> 00:13:58,663
was spotted in Ozone Park.
356
00:13:58,707 --> 00:14:00,578
- Ozone Park. Got it.
- Come on!
357
00:14:00,622 --> 00:14:02,972
- Thank you.
- Uh, wait! Don't you have
any hot goss for us?
358
00:14:03,016 --> 00:14:04,582
[Hannibal Lecter voice]:
Quid pro quo, Clarice.
359
00:14:04,626 --> 00:14:06,106
GUIDE:
Sorry. Fresh out.
360
00:14:06,149 --> 00:14:07,803
- Got to run!
- Oh! Nice!
361
00:14:07,847 --> 00:14:09,544
I guess see you next time
you need something from us.
362
00:14:09,587 --> 00:14:11,589
- What a pair of messy bitches.
- Yeah.
363
00:14:11,633 --> 00:14:13,374
I'm obsessed.
364
00:14:13,417 --> 00:14:14,854
- GUIDE: Sire!
- Where's that magic flute
365
00:14:14,897 --> 00:14:16,072
- when you need it?
- NADJA: Shush, Laszlo.
366
00:14:16,116 --> 00:14:17,160
GUILLERMO:
All right, everyone,
367
00:14:17,204 --> 00:14:18,596
stay alert and stay vigilant.
368
00:14:18,640 --> 00:14:20,250
Careful. He might be hiding
up a tree.
369
00:14:20,294 --> 00:14:21,904
Oh...
370
00:14:21,948 --> 00:14:23,253
Stop!
371
00:14:23,297 --> 00:14:25,168
- What is that?
- Look at these footsteps.
372
00:14:25,212 --> 00:14:26,909
- Something's not right.
- Careful!
373
00:14:29,129 --> 00:14:30,521
Just like I suspected.
374
00:14:30,565 --> 00:14:32,088
Vampire piss.
375
00:14:32,132 --> 00:14:33,916
How do you know
what vampire piss tastes like?
376
00:14:33,960 --> 00:14:36,397
- Just trust me, okay?
- Hmm.
377
00:14:36,440 --> 00:14:37,833
Judging by these tracks,
378
00:14:37,877 --> 00:14:39,791
he's headed... south.
379
00:14:39,835 --> 00:14:42,229
- BARON: Oh.
- Okay, you heard Piss Man.
Let's move.
380
00:14:42,272 --> 00:14:44,753
- She calls for us to move!
- I just fucking said it.
381
00:14:44,796 --> 00:14:46,407
She just fucking said it!
382
00:14:46,450 --> 00:14:49,323
I made a posting
on the website Nextdoor
383
00:14:49,366 --> 00:14:51,542
asking if anyone saw
anything suspicious,
384
00:14:51,586 --> 00:14:53,457
but it-it just kind of
turned into
385
00:14:53,501 --> 00:14:55,068
- an orgy of racism.
-[growling,
crashing in distance]
386
00:14:55,111 --> 00:14:57,026
- Okay! Come on! This way!
- BARON: Oh, we must hurry.
387
00:14:57,070 --> 00:14:59,855
-[car alarm wailing]
- Go, Hellhound. Go, baby.
388
00:14:59,899 --> 00:15:01,683
-[dog barks]
- NANDOR: Careful, careful.
389
00:15:01,726 --> 00:15:04,207
GUIDE:
Looks like The Sire stopped
for a snack.
390
00:15:04,251 --> 00:15:06,427
- BARON: Oh, little snack.
- Probably the security guard.
391
00:15:06,470 --> 00:15:09,821
- BARON: Yum.
- It's like the meat has been
sucked out from the inside,
392
00:15:09,865 --> 00:15:12,999
like a hairy crab leg.
[chuckles]
393
00:15:13,042 --> 00:15:14,914
- He probably took the carcass
inside.
- The what?
394
00:15:14,957 --> 00:15:16,698
- The "cuh-cass." The "cuh-cass."
- Yes,
395
00:15:16,741 --> 00:15:18,743
-"cuh-cass."
- Which means one thing.
396
00:15:18,787 --> 00:15:19,962
He's trapped.
397
00:15:20,006 --> 00:15:21,659
- This is our chance.
- Great.
398
00:15:21,703 --> 00:15:23,400
- Well, you go ahead
and we'll wait here.
- No!
399
00:15:23,444 --> 00:15:26,142
- All your lives depend on this!
- All vampires' lives!
400
00:15:26,186 --> 00:15:27,970
Not mine. Not energy vampires.
401
00:15:28,014 --> 00:15:29,580
This is hopeless.
402
00:15:29,624 --> 00:15:31,495
The sun is going to come up
and, when it does,
403
00:15:31,539 --> 00:15:33,628
it's going to kill that thing
and then we're all going to die
404
00:15:33,671 --> 00:15:35,586
and it's all because of me!
405
00:15:35,630 --> 00:15:37,327
-[Guide gasps]
- LASZLO: Fucking...
-[snarling]
406
00:15:37,371 --> 00:15:39,677
Stop feeling sorry
for yourself, okay?
407
00:15:39,721 --> 00:15:41,941
And help me help you fix this!
408
00:15:41,984 --> 00:15:43,768
[inhales]
409
00:15:43,812 --> 00:15:46,119
Let's go kill that Sire.
410
00:15:46,162 --> 00:15:48,077
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
- Yes. Well, no, no!
411
00:15:48,121 --> 00:15:49,992
Let's not kill.
We're not gonna kill it.
412
00:15:50,036 --> 00:15:52,212
-[barking]
- Whoa there, beast! Heel!
413
00:15:52,255 --> 00:15:54,649
- GUILLERMO: No, we're not
gonna kill it, remem...
- BARON: Cursed brute!
414
00:15:54,692 --> 00:15:56,477
A little help, please?
415
00:15:56,520 --> 00:15:59,480
NADJA:
Wow, that freak really tore
this place up.
416
00:15:59,523 --> 00:16:01,569
LASZLO:
Where is
the ravenous little monster?
417
00:16:01,612 --> 00:16:03,179
Okay, here's what
we're gonna do.
418
00:16:03,223 --> 00:16:05,051
Nadja, Laszlo,
you'll find The Sire
419
00:16:05,094 --> 00:16:06,791
and corner him
to the back of the store
420
00:16:06,835 --> 00:16:09,185
while Colin Robinson, Nandor
and myself will be there
421
00:16:09,229 --> 00:16:11,100
waiting for him
so he doesn't escape.
422
00:16:11,144 --> 00:16:13,320
And, uh,
423
00:16:13,363 --> 00:16:15,409
Guide Lady and The Baron...
424
00:16:15,452 --> 00:16:17,498
- BARON: Mm-hmm.
-...whatever you do,
just do it quietly.
425
00:16:17,541 --> 00:16:18,629
- GUIDE [whispers]: Will do.
-[screams]
426
00:16:18,673 --> 00:16:20,457
[Baron chuckles]
427
00:16:20,501 --> 00:16:22,372
Come on, my darling. Let's head
for the women's intimates.
428
00:16:22,416 --> 00:16:24,200
- This way.
- Can you stop flashing
that thing in my eyes?
429
00:16:24,244 --> 00:16:25,201
Sorry.
430
00:16:25,245 --> 00:16:26,898
Yoo-hoo!
431
00:16:26,942 --> 00:16:28,509
Grijillium.
432
00:16:28,552 --> 00:16:30,511
Now, if I had my magic flute,
433
00:16:30,554 --> 00:16:32,339
this would all be over
in two minutes.
434
00:16:32,382 --> 00:16:34,384
Would you shut the fuck up
about your pissing magic flute?
435
00:16:34,428 --> 00:16:35,864
My magic flute works.
436
00:16:35,907 --> 00:16:37,822
- Grianjistun!
-[bellowing]
437
00:16:37,866 --> 00:16:39,520
-[snarls]
-[gasps]
438
00:16:39,563 --> 00:16:41,217
Bloody shit! There he is!
439
00:16:41,261 --> 00:16:43,959
-[yelps] Oh!
- Whoa!
440
00:16:44,003 --> 00:16:46,483
-[growling]
- NADJA: Oh!
- Whoa!
441
00:16:52,533 --> 00:16:54,187
-[Nadja gasps]
- Shit.
442
00:16:54,230 --> 00:16:56,058
NADJA:
Dring Grinjly.
443
00:16:56,102 --> 00:16:57,973
[mutters]
444
00:16:58,017 --> 00:17:00,367
- Gruj-Grujum!
-[roars]
445
00:17:00,410 --> 00:17:01,759
Oh.
446
00:17:01,803 --> 00:17:03,761
Jin-Jingreelij.
447
00:17:03,805 --> 00:17:08,201
We've come to take you home to
your lovely, cozy prison cell!
448
00:17:08,244 --> 00:17:09,593
What is he doing?
449
00:17:09,637 --> 00:17:11,030
We need something
to get his attention.
450
00:17:11,073 --> 00:17:12,248
LASZLO:
Yeah, well, we might be in luck.
451
00:17:12,292 --> 00:17:13,858
We don't have a magic flute.
452
00:17:13,902 --> 00:17:15,425
[clanging]
453
00:17:15,469 --> 00:17:17,471
We got one of these.
Don't mind if I do.
454
00:17:17,514 --> 00:17:19,473
-[playing lullaby on harmonica]
- Careful.
455
00:17:20,430 --> 00:17:22,258
[snarls]
456
00:17:22,302 --> 00:17:24,173
- Oh, yes. That's right.
-[curious growling]
457
00:17:24,217 --> 00:17:26,958
Come on, big green baby.
Yes, come to Mama.
458
00:17:27,002 --> 00:17:29,352
-[roars, snarling]
- Oh, Laszlo, look out!
-[shouts]
459
00:17:29,396 --> 00:17:30,745
- My darling!
-[gasps]
460
00:17:30,788 --> 00:17:32,399
Fuck me.
461
00:17:32,442 --> 00:17:33,704
Leave him alone!
462
00:17:33,748 --> 00:17:34,923
-[grunting]
- Stop it!
463
00:17:34,966 --> 00:17:36,577
Leave my husband alone!
464
00:17:36,620 --> 00:17:38,318
-[growls]
-[whimpers]
465
00:17:38,361 --> 00:17:40,755
-[snarling]
-[gasping]
466
00:17:40,798 --> 00:17:41,756
[whimpers]
467
00:17:41,799 --> 00:17:44,237
[snarls]
468
00:17:45,586 --> 00:17:46,804
[gasps]
469
00:17:46,848 --> 00:17:48,197
Laszlo!
470
00:17:48,241 --> 00:17:50,460
My darling! [crying]: Oh!
471
00:17:50,504 --> 00:17:53,376
Are you dead?! My love.
472
00:17:53,420 --> 00:17:55,465
- I think
I swallowed the harmonica.
-[gasps]
473
00:17:55,509 --> 00:17:56,988
-[coughing]
-[harmonica playing]
474
00:17:57,032 --> 00:17:58,773
- Where is that thing?
-[harmonica playing]
475
00:17:59,774 --> 00:18:01,819
If I had more time, I would
build something more advanced,
476
00:18:01,863 --> 00:18:03,430
obviously, but...
[inhales]
477
00:18:03,473 --> 00:18:05,432
I think this will get
the job done. [exhales]
478
00:18:05,475 --> 00:18:07,390
They didn't have any armor,
so I had to make do.
479
00:18:07,434 --> 00:18:10,132
- GUILLERMO: Yeah. See?
- COLIN: Yeah, that'll do it.
- Yes.
480
00:18:10,176 --> 00:18:14,049
- COLIN: Yeah.
- All we need now is bait.
481
00:18:15,833 --> 00:18:17,270
No. No.
482
00:18:17,313 --> 00:18:18,619
- NANDOR: Yes.
- No.
483
00:18:18,662 --> 00:18:20,229
Why do I have to be tied
to this rope?
484
00:18:20,273 --> 00:18:21,622
So that we can yank you back
485
00:18:21,665 --> 00:18:23,493
moments before you are
viciously mauled.
486
00:18:23,537 --> 00:18:25,016
[whirring]
487
00:18:25,060 --> 00:18:27,497
-[laughing]
- Shit. What the fuck is this?
488
00:18:27,541 --> 00:18:30,457
Greetings and salutations!
489
00:18:30,500 --> 00:18:32,154
-[laughs]
- NADJA: Laszlo, enough.
490
00:18:32,198 --> 00:18:34,330
You did not swallow
a bloody harmonica.
491
00:18:34,374 --> 00:18:36,419
- Yes... I... did.
-[harmonica playing]
492
00:18:36,463 --> 00:18:40,380
Human bait. Obviously! We should
have done this from the start!
493
00:18:40,423 --> 00:18:42,164
Nice little car, Baron!
494
00:18:42,208 --> 00:18:45,341
Oh, I am controlling it
with my mind.
495
00:18:45,385 --> 00:18:46,908
-[chuckles]
- COLIN: Looking good.
496
00:18:46,951 --> 00:18:48,388
That's great.
Where-where is The Sire, though?
497
00:18:48,431 --> 00:18:50,694
He lunged at us.
And he moves like lightning.
498
00:18:50,738 --> 00:18:52,348
So be prepared to yank that rope
499
00:18:52,392 --> 00:18:54,350
and the human bait
very, very quickly.
500
00:18:54,394 --> 00:18:56,439
Don't care about it. Just yank.
501
00:18:56,483 --> 00:18:58,963
-Negabme.
-[Nadja gasps]
- LASZLO: Shit.
502
00:18:59,007 --> 00:19:01,357
-[snarling]
-[gasps]
503
00:19:01,401 --> 00:19:02,706
Quick! Get out of here!
He can see us!
504
00:19:02,750 --> 00:19:04,143
[snarling]
505
00:19:06,145 --> 00:19:08,538
Make yourself look appetizing,
Guillermo.
506
00:19:08,582 --> 00:19:10,453
Shake your moneymaker.
507
00:19:10,497 --> 00:19:11,628
[bellows]
508
00:19:11,672 --> 00:19:13,587
- NANDOR: Enough of this.
-[shouts]
509
00:19:13,630 --> 00:19:15,197
-[groans]
-[Sire snarling]
510
00:19:15,241 --> 00:19:17,112
Why did you yank me early?
511
00:19:17,156 --> 00:19:18,635
That's what she said.
[chuckles]
512
00:19:18,679 --> 00:19:21,247
I just found out
about that series of jokes.
513
00:19:21,290 --> 00:19:23,379
Because you should not be
in this situation.
514
00:19:23,423 --> 00:19:25,599
This is all my doing.
515
00:19:25,642 --> 00:19:28,906
I should be the one that goes
toe to toe with the beast.
516
00:19:28,950 --> 00:19:30,517
[snarling]
517
00:19:30,560 --> 00:19:31,996
NADJA:
Nandor, wait.
518
00:19:32,040 --> 00:19:36,000
Uh, I have something
I need to tell you.
519
00:19:36,044 --> 00:19:37,393
Okay.
520
00:19:38,742 --> 00:19:40,440
I don't think
you should wear that helmet,
521
00:19:40,483 --> 00:19:42,616
because it's going to make
absolutely no difference
522
00:19:42,659 --> 00:19:45,793
when The Sire is crushing you
and mincing you to smithereens.
523
00:19:45,836 --> 00:19:47,795
- Uh, I...
- You look very stupid.
524
00:19:47,838 --> 00:19:50,232
- Okay.
- Take it off.
525
00:19:50,276 --> 00:19:53,453
And I appreciate
you telling me that.
526
00:19:53,496 --> 00:19:54,715
You are a good friend.
527
00:19:54,758 --> 00:19:56,369
Thanks for nothing.
528
00:19:56,412 --> 00:19:58,371
- But I was... trying to save...
- Wish me luck.
529
00:19:58,414 --> 00:19:59,459
- LASZLO: Luck.
- Good luck.
-[Sire growls]
530
00:20:02,462 --> 00:20:05,552
Hello, Mr. Sire!
I'm coming to visit with you!
531
00:20:05,595 --> 00:20:07,945
-[roars]
-[gasps] Hey! Hey!
532
00:20:07,989 --> 00:20:10,644
- Hey! Quit!
Can you not do that, please?!
- Neberme ate.
533
00:20:10,687 --> 00:20:13,081
-[gasps]
- That's not very nice! Hey!
534
00:20:13,124 --> 00:20:14,430
-Neberme ate.
- Please don't do that.
535
00:20:14,474 --> 00:20:16,432
What is Nandor doing?
536
00:20:16,476 --> 00:20:18,260
The beast just wants to be free.
537
00:20:18,304 --> 00:20:20,784
-Neberme ate.[roars]
- Ha-ha! Can't catch me! Ow!
538
00:20:20,828 --> 00:20:23,483
- How do you know that?
- Well, that is
what it keeps saying.
539
00:20:23,526 --> 00:20:27,269
"Neberme ate." Which means
"do not take me back"
540
00:20:27,313 --> 00:20:29,576
in the ancient vampire tongue.
541
00:20:29,619 --> 00:20:31,099
I thought we all knew this.
542
00:20:31,142 --> 00:20:32,274
You speak its language?
543
00:20:32,318 --> 00:20:33,797
But of course.
544
00:20:33,841 --> 00:20:35,799
- Master, wait! I'm coming!
- Wh...
545
00:20:35,843 --> 00:20:38,411
- Whoa!
-[strained]: It's fine.
It's going great.
546
00:20:38,454 --> 00:20:40,239
I think he's getting tired.
547
00:20:40,282 --> 00:20:42,980
- Speak to it. Speak to it.
- Why should I have to speak...
548
00:20:43,024 --> 00:20:44,373
Ko ne dabas, mek?
549
00:20:44,417 --> 00:20:45,983
[curious snarl]
550
00:20:46,027 --> 00:20:48,986
-[shouts] Ow.
-[speaking vampiric language]
551
00:20:49,030 --> 00:20:50,118
Ne, ne, ne.
552
00:20:50,161 --> 00:20:53,077
[speaking vampiric language]
553
00:20:53,121 --> 00:20:56,559
-[grunts]
-[speaking vampiric language]
554
00:21:00,346 --> 00:21:01,956
[laughing]
555
00:21:01,999 --> 00:21:04,306
- Oh, oh! [laughing]
-[laughing]
556
00:21:04,350 --> 00:21:06,830
What's so G-damn funny?
557
00:21:06,874 --> 00:21:08,876
Oh. Ladies and gentlemen,
558
00:21:08,919 --> 00:21:10,617
everything is okay now.
559
00:21:10,660 --> 00:21:13,141
Uh, you see,
Goeëjlrm here thought
560
00:21:13,184 --> 00:21:14,751
that you guys wanted
to kill him.
561
00:21:14,795 --> 00:21:16,187
- We did.
- GUILLERMO: What?
- No, it-- No.
562
00:21:16,231 --> 00:21:17,276
-[Nadja laughs]
- LASZLO: No, no, no, no.
563
00:21:17,319 --> 00:21:18,755
Of course not!
564
00:21:18,799 --> 00:21:20,322
-[snarling]
- But now that he has been fed
565
00:21:20,366 --> 00:21:23,282
and knows that he is safe,
everything is okay.
566
00:21:23,325 --> 00:21:27,416
- Oh.
- Enter kate ne atgavo.[growls]
567
00:21:27,460 --> 00:21:30,114
Ah. And if you try
to put him back in that cell,
568
00:21:30,158 --> 00:21:32,029
he's going to rip each
of your throats out.
569
00:21:32,073 --> 00:21:33,988
- Fair enough.
- Eh.
- GUIDE: We could add
570
00:21:34,031 --> 00:21:35,685
some extra hay, you know,
571
00:21:35,729 --> 00:21:37,208
maybe a rope swing.
572
00:21:37,252 --> 00:21:39,341
Enter kate ne atgavo!
573
00:21:39,385 --> 00:21:42,126
-[snarls]
- Copy that!
- NANDOR: Makes perfect sense.
574
00:21:42,170 --> 00:21:43,345
Come on, old friend.
575
00:21:43,389 --> 00:21:45,347
No one's going to hurt you.
576
00:21:45,391 --> 00:21:48,872
-[harmonica playing]
- Can I just say,
on behalf of us--
577
00:21:48,916 --> 00:21:51,135
Oh, fuck it. Doesn't matter.
578
00:21:52,136 --> 00:21:53,703
NANDOR:
So we were able to get The Sire
579
00:21:53,747 --> 00:21:56,445
back under
Vampiric Council control.
580
00:21:56,489 --> 00:21:59,448
See? No one's going to hurt you.
We are all, uh, your friends.
581
00:21:59,492 --> 00:22:02,321
NADJA:
Turns out The Sire had
an absolutely excellent sense
582
00:22:02,364 --> 00:22:04,105
of humor. Very dry.
583
00:22:04,148 --> 00:22:06,412
Do you think he'd mind it
if I pulled his tail?
584
00:22:06,455 --> 00:22:07,804
- He likes it!
- LASZLO: No, no.
- NADJA: Aah!
585
00:22:07,848 --> 00:22:09,763
Nandor, leave it,
you fucking idiot.
586
00:22:09,806 --> 00:22:11,112
And we have sorted out
587
00:22:11,155 --> 00:22:13,375
a much more suitable
living situation.
588
00:22:13,419 --> 00:22:15,072
For all involved.
589
00:22:15,116 --> 00:22:16,465
[insects trilling]
590
00:22:16,509 --> 00:22:18,162
BARON:
Well, frankly, it has turned out
591
00:22:18,206 --> 00:22:20,948
to be a pretty terrific setup
for all three of us.
592
00:22:20,991 --> 00:22:23,516
-Butam vednum.
-[chuckles]: Oh.
593
00:22:23,559 --> 00:22:25,387
Goeëjlrm has comfort
594
00:22:25,431 --> 00:22:28,695
and space and companionship.
595
00:22:28,738 --> 00:22:31,698
-[barking]
- SIRE: Neves ton tyeknon itho?
596
00:22:31,741 --> 00:22:33,743
BARON:
Yes, that infernal squirrel.
597
00:22:33,787 --> 00:22:35,484
It drives him to madness.
598
00:22:35,528 --> 00:22:36,920
And the hound
599
00:22:36,964 --> 00:22:38,922
has been able
to really be itself.
600
00:22:38,966 --> 00:22:40,315
[barks]
601
00:22:41,272 --> 00:22:42,752
Ah, well,
602
00:22:42,796 --> 00:22:45,929
I am thankful
to no longer be suckling
603
00:22:45,973 --> 00:22:48,149
-blood-soaked dirt underground.
-[laughs]
604
00:22:48,192 --> 00:22:49,846
[laughing]
605
00:22:49,890 --> 00:22:51,195
-[car approaching]
- Oh.
606
00:22:51,239 --> 00:22:52,196
[gasps]
607
00:22:52,240 --> 00:22:53,676
It is time.
608
00:22:53,720 --> 00:22:56,462
And we are able
to regularly feed thanks
609
00:22:56,505 --> 00:23:00,117
to the online service
Airbnb.com.
610
00:23:00,161 --> 00:23:04,731
Hello. Is this
the Rustic Remote Airbnb rental?
611
00:23:04,774 --> 00:23:06,733
Yes. Do come in.
612
00:23:06,776 --> 00:23:09,083
You're just in time for...
613
00:23:09,126 --> 00:23:10,127
dinner.
614
00:23:10,171 --> 00:23:11,259
[snickering]
615
00:23:12,869 --> 00:23:15,568
["The Man Who Invented Himself"
by Robyn Hitchcock playing]
616
00:23:26,753 --> 00:23:28,624
[song stops]
617
00:23:28,668 --> 00:23:30,321
Ladies and gentlemen...
618
00:23:30,365 --> 00:23:32,062
[camera shutters clicking]
619
00:23:32,106 --> 00:23:34,587
-...we got him.
-[cheering, whooping]
620
00:23:34,630 --> 00:23:36,806
- REPORTER: You got him!
-[whooping]
621
00:23:36,850 --> 00:23:38,852
["The Man Who Invented Himself"
continues playing]
622
00:23:40,288 --> 00:23:43,465
♪ He came bursting
out of nowhere♪
623
00:23:43,509 --> 00:23:47,034
♪ Like a sphere into the sky♪
624
00:23:47,077 --> 00:23:50,820
♪ And he cast his light
on everything♪
625
00:23:50,864 --> 00:23:54,041
♪ It was like he'd never die♪
626
00:23:54,084 --> 00:23:57,523
♪ And he landed
right on target♪
627
00:23:57,566 --> 00:24:01,004
♪ But the target rolled away♪
628
00:24:01,048 --> 00:24:04,921
♪ And it left him
pointing nowhere♪
629
00:24:04,965 --> 00:24:08,490
♪ You could heard
the children say♪
630
00:24:08,534 --> 00:24:13,321
♪ He's the fellow,
the man who invented himself.♪
631
00:24:20,502 --> 00:24:23,462
[INTERNALLY]
632
00:24:35,648 --> 00:24:36,387
MAN: Hillary.
633
00:24:36,431 --> 00:24:37,519
Hillary, wake up.
634
00:24:40,304 --> 00:24:41,305
I'm sorry.
635
00:24:41,871 --> 00:24:42,829
For what?
636
00:24:51,228 --> 00:24:52,229
[EERIE MUSIC PLAYING]
637
00:24:59,193 --> 00:25:05,460
[PLAYS DISCORDANT TUNE]
638
00:25:06,635 --> 00:25:08,115
WOMAN 1:
There's been an event
639
00:25:09,116 --> 00:25:10,552
the world over.
640
00:25:11,858 --> 00:25:13,903
Everywhere, they're gone.
641
00:25:18,734 --> 00:25:22,303
WOMAN 2: I just can't
make sense of it.
642
00:25:23,043 --> 00:25:24,348
How did he survive?
643
00:25:25,611 --> 00:25:26,568
Why him?
644
00:25:37,057 --> 00:25:37,797
MAN: Please try to avoid
sudden ships and wait.
645
00:25:37,840 --> 00:25:39,581
Sorry. Hey!
646
00:25:39,625 --> 00:25:42,366
My name is B.J. Novak.
I want to tell you
about the show I made.
647
00:25:43,977 --> 00:25:45,761
Every episode
is completely different.
648
00:25:45,805 --> 00:25:46,893
WOMAN:
Pop-culture. Sex.
649
00:25:46,936 --> 00:25:48,416
- MAN Revenge.
- MAN 2: Guns.
650
00:25:48,459 --> 00:25:50,636
Must be training
for something
651
00:25:50,679 --> 00:25:52,246
[SPUTTERS]B.J.: Meaningful issues...
652
00:25:52,289 --> 00:25:53,595
Celebrity worship is better.
653
00:25:53,639 --> 00:25:55,641
B.J.: ...explored through
meaningless comedy.
654
00:25:55,684 --> 00:25:58,078
You never forget
a scrotum like that.
655
00:25:58,121 --> 00:25:59,688
Haunts my dreams.
656
00:25:59,732 --> 00:26:00,776
That's it.
657
00:26:00,820 --> 00:26:02,169
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]