1
00:00:01,566 --> 00:00:03,133
[PHONE RINGING]
2
00:00:03,177 --> 00:00:04,221
OPERATOR: [OVER PHONE]
9-1-1. What's your emergency?
3
00:00:04,265 --> 00:00:05,788
GIRL:
My dad can't breathe.
4
00:00:05,831 --> 00:00:07,355
WOMAN: My husband,
his eyes are going back...
5
00:00:07,398 --> 00:00:09,096
WOMAN 2: My son...
Oh, my God.
6
00:00:09,139 --> 00:00:10,923
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
7
00:00:10,967 --> 00:00:15,363
[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
8
00:00:24,241 --> 00:00:25,068
NANDOR:
I'm pretty certain
9
00:00:25,112 --> 00:00:26,678
it might be this way.
10
00:00:26,722 --> 00:00:28,071
This is it. The big night.
11
00:00:28,115 --> 00:00:30,769
Our first
Vampiric Council tribunal.
12
00:00:30,813 --> 00:00:33,468
Let the Ceremony of Judgment
commence!
13
00:00:33,511 --> 00:00:36,123
Where we once stood as prisoners
sentenced to death,
14
00:00:36,166 --> 00:00:39,082
we will now be sitting
as judge and jury.
15
00:00:39,126 --> 00:00:40,953
- You're gonna die,
and you're gonna....
-[Guillermo chuckles]
16
00:00:40,997 --> 00:00:43,086
-[Nadja screams]
-[screams] Fuck!
17
00:00:43,130 --> 00:00:45,306
Never sneak up on a vampire
like that, Guillermo.
18
00:00:45,349 --> 00:00:46,698
- NADJA: How did you
even get down here?
- What do you mean?
19
00:00:46,742 --> 00:00:47,873
I've been down here
for 20 minutes,
20
00:00:47,917 --> 00:00:49,310
- waiting for you guys.
- Oh.
21
00:00:49,353 --> 00:00:51,529
Well, is it this way,
or is it that way?
22
00:00:51,573 --> 00:00:52,748
- GUILLERMO: I think it's...
- GUIDE: It's back this way.
-[Nadja screams]
23
00:00:52,791 --> 00:00:54,532
NANDOR:
[screams] Fucking Guide.
24
00:00:54,576 --> 00:00:57,492
I've been standing behind you
for half an hour.
25
00:00:57,535 --> 00:01:00,582
- What?
- Silently watching you.
26
00:01:00,625 --> 00:01:03,106
Breathing in your scent.
27
00:01:03,150 --> 00:01:05,978
Smelling your musk.
28
00:01:06,022 --> 00:01:09,025
So... is it this way or...?
29
00:01:09,069 --> 00:01:10,896
Oh, no, no. It's back this way.
30
00:01:10,940 --> 00:01:12,724
- Oh, good.
- Yes, you missed it.
Come along, everyone.
31
00:01:14,074 --> 00:01:16,163
["You're Dead"
by Norma Tanega playing]
32
00:01:16,206 --> 00:01:18,687
♪ Don't sing if you want
to live long♪
33
00:01:18,730 --> 00:01:21,168
♪ They have no use
for your song♪
34
00:01:21,211 --> 00:01:23,866
♪ You're dead, you're dead,
you're dead♪
35
00:01:23,909 --> 00:01:26,782
♪ You're dead
and out of this world♪
36
00:01:28,305 --> 00:01:31,352
♪ Now your hope and compassion
is gone♪
37
00:01:31,395 --> 00:01:34,137
♪ You sold out your dream
to the world♪
38
00:01:34,181 --> 00:01:36,444
♪ Stay dead, stay dead,
stay dead♪
39
00:01:36,487 --> 00:01:39,142
♪ You're dead
and out of this world.♪
40
00:01:39,186 --> 00:01:40,883
♪
41
00:01:48,586 --> 00:01:52,112
Our neighbor Sean
has kindly invited us to his
42
00:01:52,155 --> 00:01:54,331
for what he described
as a "boys-only night."
43
00:01:54,375 --> 00:01:56,507
Now, I gleefully assumed
44
00:01:56,551 --> 00:01:58,422
that that would be
some kind of circle jerk.
45
00:01:58,466 --> 00:02:00,685
- Oh, I don't think
that's what he meant.
- No, it isn't.
46
00:02:00,729 --> 00:02:02,426
Anyway,
I've invited Colin Robinson...
47
00:02:02,470 --> 00:02:05,299
[imitating Jar Jar Binks]:
Ah, mui, mui mesa love you.
48
00:02:05,342 --> 00:02:06,865
LASZLO:
Is that a friend of yours?
49
00:02:06,909 --> 00:02:08,432
Mesa Jar Jar Binks.
50
00:02:08,476 --> 00:02:10,434
LASZLO:
Ooh. That's a nice voice.
51
00:02:10,478 --> 00:02:12,436
COLIN:
You don't find
this voice annoying?
52
00:02:12,480 --> 00:02:15,135
I think it's very funny,
indeed, Colin.
53
00:02:15,178 --> 00:02:17,049
SEAN:
My Uncle Fulvio
54
00:02:17,093 --> 00:02:20,183
did all the repaneling in here,
so it's looking real nice. Oh!
55
00:02:20,227 --> 00:02:21,880
- Frankie, Mikey!
- MIKEY: Hey!
56
00:02:21,924 --> 00:02:23,882
You remember my old buddy Laz
and, uh, his friend
57
00:02:23,926 --> 00:02:25,623
- Robinson Caruso.
- Yo!
- Hey.
58
00:02:25,667 --> 00:02:27,712
- COLIN: What you dudes watching?
- SEAN: Ah,
59
00:02:27,756 --> 00:02:29,671
local community college hockey,
you know.
60
00:02:29,714 --> 00:02:31,542
The purest form of sport is
61
00:02:31,586 --> 00:02:33,457
community college
because you get 'em
62
00:02:33,501 --> 00:02:35,894
- right after high school,
and, uh...
- Come on, move. Move.
63
00:02:35,938 --> 00:02:37,244
- Before they really...
- SEAN: Robbie Robertson.
64
00:02:37,287 --> 00:02:38,767
You make a better
door than a window, okay?
65
00:02:38,810 --> 00:02:40,812
-[laughs]: I have heard that.
- MIKEY: Shut up.
66
00:02:40,856 --> 00:02:43,728
- They want you to get out
of the way, Colin Robinson.
- Oh. Okay.
67
00:02:43,772 --> 00:02:45,339
- SEAN: Just have a seat.
Just have a seat.
- LASZLO: I brought these
68
00:02:45,382 --> 00:02:46,731
especially for the occasion.
69
00:02:46,775 --> 00:02:48,733
- Oh!
-[chuckles]
70
00:02:48,777 --> 00:02:50,213
- MIKEY: Look at that.
- Don't ask me
where I got them from.
71
00:02:50,257 --> 00:02:51,432
-[Sean grunts]
- COLIN: I, too,
72
00:02:51,475 --> 00:02:53,608
- have a little gift.
- Oh.
73
00:02:53,651 --> 00:02:56,393
You guys are into the whole
Agatha Christie thing,
74
00:02:56,437 --> 00:02:57,873
right? Murder mystery games?
75
00:02:57,916 --> 00:03:01,224
"Mrs. Honeychurch
and the Hanging
76
00:03:01,268 --> 00:03:04,445
- at 'Vykrage Valet.'"
-"Hanging at...
Vicarage Valley."
77
00:03:04,488 --> 00:03:06,360
Yeah.
It'll take a while to play,
78
00:03:06,403 --> 00:03:10,146
but I think if we start now,
we should be done by dawn.
79
00:03:10,190 --> 00:03:11,756
Fuck.
80
00:03:11,800 --> 00:03:13,149
-[door opens]
- NADJA: Hmm?
81
00:03:13,193 --> 00:03:14,672
-[Nadja chuckling]
- NANDOR: Eh...
82
00:03:14,716 --> 00:03:16,413
Yes.
83
00:03:16,457 --> 00:03:19,329
Okay, okay, don't make
a big deal out of it. Okay, do.
84
00:03:19,373 --> 00:03:21,288
- Do make a big deal of it.
Come on.
- Yes.
85
00:03:21,331 --> 00:03:22,941
I feel
like this is my wedding day.
86
00:03:22,985 --> 00:03:25,857
But I shouldn't be
wearing white. [chuckles]
87
00:03:25,901 --> 00:03:30,514
So... ♪ Let the Ceremony
of Judgment commence.♪
88
00:03:30,558 --> 00:03:32,429
NANDOR:
Very good.
89
00:03:32,473 --> 00:03:34,692
- Very good.
- All right. Well,
I will be the one who says that.
90
00:03:34,736 --> 00:03:36,520
But before we continue,
91
00:03:36,564 --> 00:03:39,480
there is just one more thing
we have to check off our list.
92
00:03:39,523 --> 00:03:41,351
- Come on in.
- NANDOR: Ooh.
- NADJA: Oh.
93
00:03:41,395 --> 00:03:45,050
This is a conduct/harassment
training video
94
00:03:45,094 --> 00:03:47,966
that our human resources
department put together
95
00:03:48,010 --> 00:03:50,665
as mandatory viewing
for all employees.
96
00:03:50,708 --> 00:03:51,970
- Okay?
- Okay, fine.
- Okay, let's get it over with.
97
00:03:52,014 --> 00:03:54,016
All right.
98
00:03:54,059 --> 00:03:56,105
♪
99
00:04:07,856 --> 00:04:09,771
- So, that's it, then?
- GUIDE: Yes.
100
00:04:09,814 --> 00:04:12,513
So, that just means anything
and everything goes here.
101
00:04:12,556 --> 00:04:15,385
He smacks me on the ass,
you finger me,
102
00:04:15,429 --> 00:04:17,779
I stroke him off,
et cetera, et cetera.
103
00:04:17,822 --> 00:04:19,346
GUILLERMO:
Mm-mm.
104
00:04:19,389 --> 00:04:21,173
We have found it to be good
for team building.
105
00:04:21,217 --> 00:04:24,089
So anything and everything goes?
106
00:04:24,133 --> 00:04:26,440
Yes. We have sort of fallen
into doing it all
107
00:04:26,483 --> 00:04:29,312
- on a Thursday night
to get it out of the way.
- NADJA: Oh.
108
00:04:29,356 --> 00:04:31,793
Otherwise,
it can be very exhausting.
109
00:04:31,836 --> 00:04:35,318
Now, I know you both agreed
to be coleaders,
110
00:04:35,362 --> 00:04:37,320
but the fact remains:
only one of you
111
00:04:37,364 --> 00:04:39,496
can sit on the throne.
Who will it be?
112
00:04:39,540 --> 00:04:41,455
- Uh, me, thank you.
- Fine, I'll do it.
-[whispering]: No.
113
00:04:41,498 --> 00:04:43,631
Let her have the throne.
Power is won
114
00:04:43,674 --> 00:04:46,286
- by those who seem
to least desire it.
- NANDOR: But the throne
115
00:04:46,329 --> 00:04:49,419
- is a big deal,
and I want to sit on it.
- And you will.
116
00:04:49,463 --> 00:04:51,813
- NANDOR: Stop touching me.
- What are you two
whispering about?
117
00:04:51,856 --> 00:04:54,206
Guys?
It's a one-person throne, okay?
118
00:04:54,250 --> 00:04:56,252
What is so hard about this?
119
00:04:56,296 --> 00:04:57,471
GUILLERMO:
I mean, who wields
the ultimate power?
120
00:04:57,514 --> 00:04:59,386
The one who sits on the throne?
121
00:04:59,429 --> 00:05:01,518
- Nadja may sit on the throne.
-[Nadja chuckles]
122
00:05:01,562 --> 00:05:03,303
Or the one who challenges
the throne-sitter?
123
00:05:03,346 --> 00:05:04,826
- Thank you, Nandor.
- Yes.
124
00:05:04,869 --> 00:05:06,871
GUILLERMO:
Or perhaps it's the person
125
00:05:06,915 --> 00:05:09,439
who whispers
into both their ears.
126
00:05:10,614 --> 00:05:13,095
So, at the time in question,
I was having a brandy
127
00:05:13,138 --> 00:05:15,184
with Vicar Wilson in the, uh,
128
00:05:15,227 --> 00:05:16,707
- tack room or some shit.
- Oh.
129
00:05:16,751 --> 00:05:19,057
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So, how-how you guys been, uh,
130
00:05:19,101 --> 00:05:21,495
- sleeping lately, huh?
- MIKEY: Uh, you know,
not too bad.
131
00:05:21,538 --> 00:05:24,019
- I actually been taking
this melatonin stuff...
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, I hear that.
132
00:05:24,062 --> 00:05:25,673
I've been sleeping like shit,
too, you know?
133
00:05:25,716 --> 00:05:27,849
My neck's been all stiff,
and, uh, my knees,
134
00:05:27,892 --> 00:05:30,460
- they've been swelling.
It's really bad.
- LASZLO: So, hold on.
135
00:05:30,504 --> 00:05:32,070
- Is Frank dead?
- FRANK: No.
136
00:05:32,114 --> 00:05:33,681
- Frank? I'm Frank.
- LASZLO: Oh, right.
137
00:05:33,724 --> 00:05:35,596
I'm having a brandy
with the-the vicar.
138
00:05:35,639 --> 00:05:37,075
- Gotcha.
- MIKEY: Am I the vicar?
139
00:05:37,119 --> 00:05:38,990
- You're the vicar.
- SEAN: My lower back!
140
00:05:39,034 --> 00:05:41,515
Oh, forget about it.
It was terrible.
141
00:05:41,558 --> 00:05:43,430
But then I got this new pillow,
142
00:05:43,473 --> 00:05:45,170
which is not available
in stores,
143
00:05:45,214 --> 00:05:47,216
- and, uh...
- Well, how did you get it, then?
144
00:05:47,259 --> 00:05:48,913
Stop asking so many questions.
145
00:05:48,957 --> 00:05:50,480
Anyway,
it's an incredible product.
146
00:05:50,524 --> 00:05:52,395
It totally changed my life.
147
00:05:52,439 --> 00:05:54,484
- COLIN: Okay.
- FRANK: Yeah, cool. Oh, hey,
148
00:05:54,528 --> 00:05:57,444
- you guys hear, uh,
Kevin got laid off?
- No.
149
00:05:57,487 --> 00:05:59,141
- Yeah. For real.
- Kevin?
150
00:05:59,184 --> 00:06:00,490
SEAN:
I've been sleeping
like a baby now.
151
00:06:00,534 --> 00:06:02,274
Really sleeping like a baby
152
00:06:02,318 --> 00:06:05,365
thanks to this brand-new,
state-of-the-art pillow.
153
00:06:05,408 --> 00:06:06,714
What the fuck is its name?
154
00:06:06,757 --> 00:06:08,672
Hold on. Hold on.
I'll be right back.
155
00:06:08,716 --> 00:06:10,718
- Hold that thought.
- LASZLO: You see
this hockey match?
156
00:06:10,761 --> 00:06:13,808
We played a game exactly like
that at Eton. Difference is,
157
00:06:13,851 --> 00:06:16,376
we didn't play with a puck.
We played with a cock.
158
00:06:16,419 --> 00:06:18,378
- A cock
that had been hardened...
- COLIN: Can we actually
159
00:06:18,421 --> 00:06:20,162
get back to your friend
who was fired?
160
00:06:20,205 --> 00:06:21,990
-[singsongy]: Da-da-da-da!
- Oh, Kevin. Yeah, it was brutal.
161
00:06:22,033 --> 00:06:24,819
- He got...
- It's called the Guy Pillow.
162
00:06:24,862 --> 00:06:27,256
- For the man who sleeps.
- COLIN: Ooh.
163
00:06:27,299 --> 00:06:31,434
Yeah, yeah, like that guy, uh,
on TV. Mike Lindell, right?
164
00:06:31,478 --> 00:06:34,437
That's the MyPillow,
and this is the Guy Pillow.
165
00:06:34,481 --> 00:06:36,221
- They're completely different.
- LASZLO: All right.
166
00:06:36,265 --> 00:06:39,137
Simmer down, Sean.
We can't all be pillow experts.
167
00:06:39,181 --> 00:06:40,574
- SEAN: Right. Yeah. Yeah.
- FRANK: Okay.
168
00:06:40,617 --> 00:06:42,314
Can we get back to the game?
169
00:06:42,358 --> 00:06:43,620
Yeah. I got a card.
170
00:06:43,664 --> 00:06:46,188
Okay,
stop twisting my arm, guys.
171
00:06:46,231 --> 00:06:47,972
I'll give you a demo, all right?
172
00:06:48,016 --> 00:06:49,626
Does the pillow come
with the pillowcase?
173
00:06:49,670 --> 00:06:51,106
SEAN:
Yeah, I'm glad
you asked that, Laz.
174
00:06:51,149 --> 00:06:53,195
It's
a hypoallergenic pillowcase,
175
00:06:53,238 --> 00:06:56,764
and, yeah, the whole shebang
comes for what? $49.99.
176
00:06:56,807 --> 00:06:58,722
-[spits, chuckles] What?
- What the fuck?
-[chuckles] Seanie,
177
00:06:58,766 --> 00:07:01,769
- 50 bucks for a fucking pillow?
- SEAN: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
178
00:07:01,812 --> 00:07:04,685
This is a quality pillow
but for a value price.
179
00:07:04,728 --> 00:07:07,035
But you know what I'm gonna do?
Because you guys are my friends,
180
00:07:07,078 --> 00:07:08,819
I'm gonna knock ten bucks
off the top.
181
00:07:08,863 --> 00:07:10,908
- That's $39.99 apiece.
- FRANK: Whoa, whoa.
182
00:07:10,952 --> 00:07:13,171
- Wait.
You're selling these things?
- SEAN: You kidding me?
183
00:07:13,215 --> 00:07:16,392
- These things sell themselves.
So, who's in?
- Uh...
184
00:07:18,525 --> 00:07:20,483
-[bell tolls]
- The Ceremony of Judgment
185
00:07:20,527 --> 00:07:22,137
will now commence.
186
00:07:22,180 --> 00:07:23,704
- Wait, I was gonna...
-[classical music playing]
187
00:07:31,363 --> 00:07:33,061
Okay, stop!
188
00:07:33,104 --> 00:07:35,063
- Stop. I'm not ready. No, no.
-[music stops playing]
189
00:07:35,106 --> 00:07:37,718
So, back to one.
I don't... I'm so sorry.
190
00:07:37,761 --> 00:07:39,763
- What seems to be the problem?
- Nandor is very tall.
191
00:07:39,807 --> 00:07:41,635
When he stands,
his face is much higher
192
00:07:41,678 --> 00:07:43,114
than my face
'cause I am sat on the throne.
193
00:07:43,158 --> 00:07:44,594
I'll see what I can do.
194
00:07:44,638 --> 00:07:46,248
Thank you, Guillermo.
195
00:07:46,291 --> 00:07:47,641
Here's a thought.
196
00:07:47,684 --> 00:07:50,513
Perhaps we just remove
the throne
197
00:07:50,557 --> 00:07:51,732
- from the equation.
- NANDOR: Here's a thought.
198
00:07:51,775 --> 00:07:53,603
Can we get this going already?
199
00:07:53,647 --> 00:07:55,387
Remove the throne!
200
00:07:55,431 --> 00:07:58,390
NANDOR:
Ah, shit.
201
00:07:58,434 --> 00:07:59,522
[throne scraping]
202
00:07:59,566 --> 00:08:01,089
- Ooh! Ooh, that's...
- Aah!
203
00:08:01,132 --> 00:08:02,830
- NANDOR: Ay-ay-ay-ay.
-[overlapping chatter]
204
00:08:02,873 --> 00:08:05,006
That's-that's plenty.
Thank you, wraiths.
205
00:08:05,049 --> 00:08:07,095
- That's plenty. Thank you.
-[wraiths whispering
indistinctly]
206
00:08:07,138 --> 00:08:09,663
- Gonna be hard to get that out.
- GUIDE: Okay, we good?
207
00:08:09,706 --> 00:08:11,578
- Everyone good?
- NADJA: Yes.
- NANDOR: Yes.
208
00:08:11,621 --> 00:08:12,927
- Great.
-[Nandor clears throat]
209
00:08:12,970 --> 00:08:15,190
Let the Ceremony of Judgment
commence!
210
00:08:15,233 --> 00:08:16,757
- Can't I just say it once?
-[bell tolls]
211
00:08:16,800 --> 00:08:19,542
[classical music playing]
212
00:08:19,586 --> 00:08:20,848
GUIDE:
Okay, stop!
213
00:08:20,891 --> 00:08:22,502
- NADJA: What now?
- It looks so dumb
214
00:08:22,545 --> 00:08:24,852
with the throne
just sitting there empty.
215
00:08:24,895 --> 00:08:26,549
She does make a good point.
[chuckles softly]
216
00:08:26,593 --> 00:08:29,552
You guys, just take five.
Honestly, don't go far.
217
00:08:29,596 --> 00:08:30,901
What you really should do
218
00:08:30,945 --> 00:08:32,773
is stop acting
like a bunch of jabronis
219
00:08:32,816 --> 00:08:35,558
and get, like,
25 of these things each.
220
00:08:35,602 --> 00:08:38,518
COLIN:
Well, I don't usually sleep
with 25 pillows.
221
00:08:38,561 --> 00:08:40,694
SEAN:
News flash. You don't use these.
222
00:08:40,737 --> 00:08:42,260
You buy extras,
223
00:08:42,304 --> 00:08:44,001
and then you sell 'em
to your stupid friends
224
00:08:44,045 --> 00:08:46,221
for a little do-re-mi
for yourself.
225
00:08:46,264 --> 00:08:47,570
Laz, come on.
[chuckles]
226
00:08:47,614 --> 00:08:49,398
I don't use a pillow.
227
00:08:49,441 --> 00:08:51,095
SEAN:
Okay. Well, Mikey.
228
00:08:51,139 --> 00:08:53,010
Come on.
I mean, we used to sleep
229
00:08:53,054 --> 00:08:54,490
- in the same bed.
- MIKEY: Hey, buddy,
230
00:08:54,534 --> 00:08:55,796
I don't know what to tell you,
you know?
231
00:08:55,839 --> 00:08:57,624
All my friends are in this room,
you know?
232
00:08:57,667 --> 00:08:59,103
- No.
- SEAN: You know what?
233
00:08:59,147 --> 00:09:01,149
Fine. I mean,
what does it matter?
234
00:09:01,192 --> 00:09:02,454
Don't buy any, huh?
235
00:09:02,498 --> 00:09:04,152
You bunch
of fucking backstabbers.
236
00:09:04,195 --> 00:09:05,849
Who cares about Sean, right?
237
00:09:05,893 --> 00:09:07,634
- Fuck me, right?
- FRANK: Sean.
238
00:09:07,677 --> 00:09:09,592
[scoffs]
Fuck me? Well, fuck you!
239
00:09:09,636 --> 00:09:11,768
- Oh!
- SEAN: You are gonna regret it
when you didn't get in
240
00:09:11,812 --> 00:09:14,858
on the ground floor
of this superior product!
241
00:09:14,902 --> 00:09:16,599
[Frank exhales sharply]
242
00:09:16,643 --> 00:09:18,645
FRANK:
Fucking Sean.
243
00:09:19,689 --> 00:09:21,648
LASZLO:
You all right, Sean?
244
00:09:21,691 --> 00:09:24,172
Honestly, Laz?
I'm not doing too good.
245
00:09:24,215 --> 00:09:26,174
I was hoping you were getting,
like, 25 pillows,
246
00:09:26,217 --> 00:09:30,918
and I was counting on, uh,
you know, Newman Robinson
247
00:09:30,961 --> 00:09:32,528
or whatever the fuck
his name is.
248
00:09:32,572 --> 00:09:34,486
- Who?
- The guy who looks like a fetus.
249
00:09:34,530 --> 00:09:36,271
- Oh, right.
- And then Nandor
and his boyfriend
250
00:09:36,314 --> 00:09:38,012
don't even show up? I mean...
251
00:09:38,055 --> 00:09:39,187
Well,
I wouldn't take that personally.
252
00:09:39,230 --> 00:09:40,797
Listen, I know. It's just...
253
00:09:40,841 --> 00:09:42,625
Nandor looks like he's
a real big sleeper, right?
254
00:09:42,669 --> 00:09:44,148
I could sell him,
like, 40 large.
255
00:09:44,192 --> 00:09:45,585
And then, you know,
the little guy,
256
00:09:45,628 --> 00:09:47,543
listen, get him for ten,
okay? He's poor.
257
00:09:47,587 --> 00:09:49,240
I mean, he wears
the same cardigan everywhere.
258
00:09:49,284 --> 00:09:51,286
I sense there's something else
that's bothering you.
259
00:09:51,329 --> 00:09:53,680
All right. All right.
260
00:09:53,723 --> 00:09:55,943
You got to promise me
you're not gonna tell a soul.
261
00:09:55,986 --> 00:09:58,075
- I won't tell a soul.
- Charmaine doesn't even know.
262
00:09:58,119 --> 00:09:59,511
- Really?
- Yeah.
263
00:09:59,555 --> 00:10:01,644
- Okay, are you ready?
- Yeah, I'm ready.
264
00:10:01,688 --> 00:10:03,864
All right. Hey, whoa, whoa!
265
00:10:03,907 --> 00:10:05,996
I got a cousin like that,
but that's not me.
266
00:10:06,040 --> 00:10:08,303
- Really?
- Yeah, I respect you
and everything...
267
00:10:08,346 --> 00:10:09,870
Okay.
You won't remember anything
268
00:10:09,913 --> 00:10:12,916
about how you attempted
to seduce me just now.
269
00:10:12,960 --> 00:10:14,788
Continue with your tale.
270
00:10:14,831 --> 00:10:16,746
I'm in too deep.
271
00:10:16,790 --> 00:10:18,661
I bought a lot,
a lot of pillows.
272
00:10:18,705 --> 00:10:20,576
I mean, so many.
273
00:10:20,620 --> 00:10:21,751
How many pillows?
274
00:10:21,795 --> 00:10:23,579
[Sean grunts]
275
00:10:24,536 --> 00:10:26,974
- LASZLO: Shit.
- Yeah. I haven't sold that many,
276
00:10:27,017 --> 00:10:29,280
so I can't pay back
the guy who sold them to me.
277
00:10:29,324 --> 00:10:31,369
And, uh, now he's taking me
to small-claims court.
278
00:10:31,413 --> 00:10:33,371
So, how many of these
have you actually sold?
279
00:10:34,372 --> 00:10:35,678
Three.
280
00:10:35,722 --> 00:10:37,201
-[groans]
- Yeah. Charmaine wanted one,
281
00:10:37,245 --> 00:10:38,768
but you can't sell them
to women because...
282
00:10:38,812 --> 00:10:40,204
- it's a men's-only pillow.
- Men's-only pillow.
283
00:10:40,248 --> 00:10:41,553
Says so on the box.
284
00:10:41,597 --> 00:10:43,164
Yeah, yeah,
it's legally binding.
285
00:10:43,207 --> 00:10:46,863
Court date's tomorrow night.
I'm scared, Laz.
286
00:10:46,907 --> 00:10:49,170
I don't want you to worry
about this one second longer.
287
00:10:49,213 --> 00:10:50,693
I think I can get you
out of this hole.
288
00:10:50,737 --> 00:10:54,001
[chuckling]
I could kiss you, Laz!
289
00:10:56,046 --> 00:10:58,222
-[bell tolls]
- NADJA: Maybe we could just put
290
00:10:58,266 --> 00:11:00,355
a sheet or a cloth over it
or something.
291
00:11:00,398 --> 00:11:04,359
The throne is a very important
symbol in the ceremony.
292
00:11:04,402 --> 00:11:05,752
GUILLERMO:
Hmm.
293
00:11:05,795 --> 00:11:07,536
Well, I have an idea, but...
Forget it.
294
00:11:07,579 --> 00:11:09,625
I have too many things
to do today. [chuckles]
295
00:11:09,669 --> 00:11:11,583
- No, go on, Guillermo.
- No, what is it?
296
00:11:11,627 --> 00:11:13,281
Well...
297
00:11:13,324 --> 00:11:14,499
I was thinking,
298
00:11:14,543 --> 00:11:17,372
why don't we put me in the robe,
299
00:11:17,415 --> 00:11:18,721
and I'll sit on the throne?
300
00:11:18,765 --> 00:11:20,114
I mean,
I'm obviously not a vampire,
301
00:11:20,157 --> 00:11:21,768
but they don't know that.
302
00:11:21,811 --> 00:11:24,814
And I think that, you know,
the symbolism will hold.
303
00:11:25,772 --> 00:11:28,426
- Worth a shot, I guess.
- Works for me.
- An elegant solution.
304
00:11:28,470 --> 00:11:30,994
-[bell tolls]
- GUILLERMO: Okay.
- NADJA: I love symbolism, so...
305
00:11:31,038 --> 00:11:32,474
A little bit higher.
306
00:11:32,517 --> 00:11:35,259
[classical music playing]
307
00:11:35,303 --> 00:11:37,435
It's all a big game of chess.
308
00:11:37,479 --> 00:11:41,701
I just didn't say
who was playing who...m. Whom.
309
00:11:44,181 --> 00:11:46,227
Go faster!
310
00:11:46,270 --> 00:11:49,665
Yeah!
[whooping]
311
00:11:51,406 --> 00:11:52,624
I'm getting dizzy.
312
00:11:55,758 --> 00:11:59,109
- All right.
Uh, Iorek the Knavish.
-[chains rattling]
313
00:11:59,153 --> 00:12:00,458
[hisses]
314
00:12:00,502 --> 00:12:01,633
The wraiths
look much more disgusting
315
00:12:01,677 --> 00:12:03,374
than I remember them looking.
316
00:12:03,418 --> 00:12:05,202
GUIDE:
Oh, yeah. We have them
wear special masks
317
00:12:05,246 --> 00:12:06,726
for the Ceremonies of Judgment.
318
00:12:06,769 --> 00:12:08,989
Makes them look much scarier.
319
00:12:09,032 --> 00:12:12,296
Number Five? Wrong mask! Again!
320
00:12:12,340 --> 00:12:14,385
Every time with that one.
321
00:12:14,429 --> 00:12:17,954
Thank you. [clears throat]
So, continuing...
322
00:12:17,998 --> 00:12:19,390
Iorek the Knavish,
323
00:12:19,434 --> 00:12:21,349
you stand charged with selling
324
00:12:21,392 --> 00:12:25,179
your fellow vampires
a so-called magical herb
325
00:12:25,222 --> 00:12:27,050
which you claimed
would protect them
326
00:12:27,094 --> 00:12:29,096
from the ill effects
of sunshine.
327
00:12:29,139 --> 00:12:30,750
NADJA:
Oh, that would be nice.
328
00:12:30,793 --> 00:12:32,403
[chuckles]:
Yes, indeed, it would be.
329
00:12:32,447 --> 00:12:35,102
If it worked!
330
00:12:35,145 --> 00:12:37,017
[bell tolls]
331
00:12:38,105 --> 00:12:40,063
Please watch.
332
00:12:40,107 --> 00:12:42,936
[man and woman screaming on TV]
333
00:12:42,979 --> 00:12:45,939
[Nadja, Guide and Nandor
groaning]
334
00:12:50,421 --> 00:12:52,249
How did you obtain this footage?
335
00:12:52,293 --> 00:12:53,860
- The Crow-Cam.
-[cawing]
336
00:12:53,903 --> 00:12:55,992
- NADJA: Ah.
- NANDOR: Hello.
337
00:12:56,036 --> 00:12:57,341
It's gone.
338
00:12:57,385 --> 00:12:59,648
Nandor, it is clearly vampicide.
339
00:12:59,691 --> 00:13:01,650
Yes, multiple vampicide.
340
00:13:01,693 --> 00:13:02,999
NADJA:
Well, then, we should kill him.
341
00:13:03,043 --> 00:13:05,132
Um, it might not be a bad idea
342
00:13:05,175 --> 00:13:06,829
to kick off our reign
with something
343
00:13:06,873 --> 00:13:08,875
that shows a bit more mercy?
344
00:13:08,918 --> 00:13:10,572
Yeah, hmm?
345
00:13:10,615 --> 00:13:11,834
NADJA:
Is there a cell
346
00:13:11,878 --> 00:13:13,096
that he can be cast away in
347
00:13:13,140 --> 00:13:15,142
for hundreds of years?
[hisses]
348
00:13:15,185 --> 00:13:16,839
- As you wish.
-[bell tolls]
349
00:13:16,883 --> 00:13:20,016
For how many years specifically?
350
00:13:20,060 --> 00:13:21,670
- 500 years!
- A hundred.
351
00:13:21,713 --> 00:13:23,585
- 150.
- Two years is fine.
Just two is good.
352
00:13:23,628 --> 00:13:26,849
GUIDE:
Our next offender stands accused
353
00:13:26,893 --> 00:13:28,938
of breaking
just about every rule
354
00:13:28,982 --> 00:13:31,593
by which we vampires
keep our presence
355
00:13:31,636 --> 00:13:33,725
on this earth a secret.
356
00:13:33,769 --> 00:13:36,119
-[bell tolls]
-[Nandor hisses]
357
00:13:36,163 --> 00:13:39,253
-[hissing]
- Ugh. Boo!
- DEREK: Okay, so, hear me out.
358
00:13:39,296 --> 00:13:41,211
If you tell me the rules,
I'd be down to follow them.
359
00:13:41,255 --> 00:13:43,039
GUIDE:
If I may please continue?
360
00:13:43,083 --> 00:13:45,085
- NADJA: Yes.
- GUIDE: Thank you.
361
00:13:45,128 --> 00:13:46,782
Derek is a member
of the Mosquito Club.
362
00:13:46,826 --> 00:13:50,133
It was that, uh,
vigilante vampire-hunting group
363
00:13:50,177 --> 00:13:51,787
that I joined accidentally.
Accidentally joined.
364
00:13:51,831 --> 00:13:53,789
- My man.
- GUILLERMO: And then we went
365
00:13:53,833 --> 00:13:54,964
to that weird house
with the vampire family,
366
00:13:55,008 --> 00:13:56,661
and they attacked us.
367
00:13:56,705 --> 00:13:58,098
- SHANICE: Come on! Let's go!
- GUILLERMO: We did it!
368
00:13:58,141 --> 00:13:59,664
- We actually found the...
-[Shanice screams]
369
00:13:59,708 --> 00:14:02,319
And he was left behind.
I-I left him behind.
370
00:14:02,363 --> 00:14:04,887
- Where's Derek?
- It's too late for him now.
371
00:14:04,931 --> 00:14:06,976
I've had to live with that every
day since that night, so...
372
00:14:07,020 --> 00:14:09,239
I-I-I thought he was dead.
373
00:14:09,283 --> 00:14:10,588
-[bell tolls]
- GUIDE: Derek,
374
00:14:10,632 --> 00:14:12,677
you have accrued
the following charges:
375
00:14:12,721 --> 00:14:15,115
turning into a bat on the subway
376
00:14:15,158 --> 00:14:18,205
in an attempt
to scare teenagers,
377
00:14:18,248 --> 00:14:19,859
stealing IV bags
378
00:14:19,902 --> 00:14:22,209
from blood donor centers
across the city...
379
00:14:22,252 --> 00:14:24,689
Also, what are you wearing?
380
00:14:24,733 --> 00:14:26,343
You are wearing
bad vampire fashions.
381
00:14:26,387 --> 00:14:29,477
- That is the most heinous crime!
- DEREK: Well, I mean,
382
00:14:29,520 --> 00:14:33,089
I didn't know where
to get proper vampire finery,
383
00:14:33,133 --> 00:14:34,656
but the Hot Topic at the mall
had some really great stuff.
384
00:14:34,699 --> 00:14:35,918
I mean,
they're fast fashion, but...
385
00:14:35,962 --> 00:14:38,094
GUIDE:
If I may continue?
386
00:14:38,138 --> 00:14:40,792
Feeding on bystanders
out in the open
387
00:14:40,836 --> 00:14:43,143
who have fallen asleep
on park benches.
388
00:14:43,186 --> 00:14:45,014
What's the alternative?
389
00:14:45,058 --> 00:14:46,929
Owning an unlicensed hellhound.
390
00:14:46,973 --> 00:14:49,018
-[Nadja gasps]
- I'm sorry, y-you mean Aspen?
- Hey, boy.
391
00:14:49,062 --> 00:14:51,499
- Nandor, be careful. [screams]
- Are you in there?
-[Aspen growling]
392
00:14:51,542 --> 00:14:53,762
-[Nandor whimpers]
- NADJA: Stay back!
- DEREK: Aspen!
393
00:14:53,805 --> 00:14:56,286
-[growling stops]
- Sit!
- If I may please continue?!
394
00:14:56,330 --> 00:14:57,809
- Sorry.
- GUIDE: We've got a lot to do!
395
00:14:57,853 --> 00:14:59,333
- NADJA: Sorry, yes.
-[Guide clears throat]
396
00:14:59,376 --> 00:15:02,379
Owning an unlicensed hellhound.
397
00:15:02,423 --> 00:15:05,295
Oh, that was actually it.
Sorry. We're done.
398
00:15:05,339 --> 00:15:07,950
- Okay.
- NADJA: These crimes
you have committed
399
00:15:07,994 --> 00:15:10,605
are despicable!
[spits]
400
00:15:10,648 --> 00:15:12,302
What do you have to say
for yourself?
401
00:15:12,346 --> 00:15:14,696
-[hisses]
- I don't know. Whoops?
402
00:15:14,739 --> 00:15:16,785
That was a shit response,
403
00:15:16,828 --> 00:15:18,091
- wasn't it?
- GUILLERMO: I-I'm sure
404
00:15:18,134 --> 00:15:20,354
what he meant to say
is that surely
405
00:15:20,397 --> 00:15:22,660
there's an explanation somehow,
right?
406
00:15:22,704 --> 00:15:24,401
I guess
I just do fucked-up shit now.
407
00:15:24,445 --> 00:15:26,316
That's just who I am.
408
00:15:26,360 --> 00:15:28,753
A vampire that draws attention
to vampirism
409
00:15:28,797 --> 00:15:30,973
is a threat
to all vampires everywhere.
410
00:15:31,017 --> 00:15:33,236
Yes. And, also, I was thinking,
411
00:15:33,280 --> 00:15:34,890
because we showed
the other man mercy,
412
00:15:34,934 --> 00:15:37,110
for this one, I think
we just balls to the wall,
413
00:15:37,153 --> 00:15:38,807
just go fucking crazy.
414
00:15:38,850 --> 00:15:40,504
I agree completely.
415
00:15:40,548 --> 00:15:42,463
- Well, I think that...
- Then we are of one brain!
416
00:15:42,506 --> 00:15:44,378
We sentence you
417
00:15:44,421 --> 00:15:47,250
- to death! [laughs]
- Death.
418
00:15:47,294 --> 00:15:49,122
- I'm sorry, come again?
- GUIDE: Derek, you are
419
00:15:49,165 --> 00:15:52,777
hereby sentenced to be thrown
into the Well of Daylight,
420
00:15:52,821 --> 00:15:54,605
where you will die
421
00:15:54,649 --> 00:15:57,391
- by the rays
of tomorrow's sunrise.
-[Nadja laughs]
422
00:16:01,961 --> 00:16:03,701
[whispers]:
Derek. Hey.
423
00:16:03,745 --> 00:16:05,877
- Guillermo. Hey, dude.
- GUILLERMO: Just wanted
424
00:16:05,921 --> 00:16:08,750
to stop by and say, um...
I'm sorry.
425
00:16:08,793 --> 00:16:10,447
This is all my fault.
I could've done more.
426
00:16:10,491 --> 00:16:12,449
It should've been me
that was left behind.
427
00:16:12,493 --> 00:16:14,060
No, no, no. There's no way
you could've known-- Ah!
428
00:16:14,103 --> 00:16:15,931
- No, Derek, stay away
from the sun.
- Ah!
429
00:16:15,975 --> 00:16:17,324
[Derek groaning, whooping]
430
00:16:17,367 --> 00:16:18,412
I thought that was obvious.
431
00:16:18,455 --> 00:16:20,283
Well, you know, I sort of wish
432
00:16:20,327 --> 00:16:22,329
maybe you'd looked me up and,
I don't know,
433
00:16:22,372 --> 00:16:24,461
given me a rule book
or something.
434
00:16:24,505 --> 00:16:26,333
Is there even a rule book--
Ah! Goddamn it!
435
00:16:26,376 --> 00:16:27,812
Get out of the sun, Derek!
436
00:16:27,856 --> 00:16:29,466
-[Derek shouting]
- No! Just follow
437
00:16:29,510 --> 00:16:31,468
the sound of my voice!
This way.
438
00:16:31,512 --> 00:16:32,774
-[pained groaning]
- Geez.
439
00:16:32,817 --> 00:16:34,471
-[sizzling]
- That is gonna scab.
440
00:16:34,515 --> 00:16:36,343
I thought that would be
common sense to-- You know what?
441
00:16:36,386 --> 00:16:39,607
Here. Put this on and cover
yourself with it, okay?
442
00:16:39,650 --> 00:16:41,652
Don't move.
I'm gonna get you out of here.
443
00:16:41,696 --> 00:16:42,871
Thanks, Guillermo.
444
00:16:45,874 --> 00:16:47,832
Ah, damn it!
445
00:16:50,748 --> 00:16:52,794
You know, I've been thinking...
446
00:16:52,837 --> 00:16:54,187
Oh, great.
447
00:16:54,230 --> 00:16:56,232
I was actually surprised
that you let Nadja
448
00:16:56,276 --> 00:16:59,496
talk you into killing
that Derek guy.
449
00:16:59,540 --> 00:17:02,151
I didn't let Nadja talk me
into doing anything.
450
00:17:02,195 --> 00:17:07,069
Really? And yet you let Nadja
steamroll over you like that...
451
00:17:07,113 --> 00:17:08,723
- Are you done?
- Yes, but...
452
00:17:08,766 --> 00:17:10,333
- Good.
- You said...
453
00:17:10,377 --> 00:17:11,813
GUILLERMO: I thought
I had mastered the game.
454
00:17:11,856 --> 00:17:13,206
Just whispering in
people's ears. [chuckles]
455
00:17:13,249 --> 00:17:14,598
- Between you and I...
- Hmm? [giggles]
456
00:17:14,642 --> 00:17:15,643
GUILLERMO:
Calling the shots.
457
00:17:15,686 --> 00:17:17,297
People have been saying that
458
00:17:17,340 --> 00:17:19,299
you just sentenced
that Derek guy to death because
459
00:17:19,342 --> 00:17:21,388
[whispers]: you let Nandor
walk all over you.
460
00:17:21,431 --> 00:17:23,259
Have a fucking day off,
Guillermo.
461
00:17:23,303 --> 00:17:26,262
No one said that.
Please do not talk anymore.
462
00:17:26,306 --> 00:17:28,960
But I think
I really biffed this one.
463
00:17:29,004 --> 00:17:32,399
JUDGE:
Garry Degen v. Sean Rinaldi?
464
00:17:32,442 --> 00:17:33,835
Present and accounted for,
Your Honor.
465
00:17:33,878 --> 00:17:36,359
It says here you have
representation?
466
00:17:36,403 --> 00:17:37,534
[laughs]:
Oh, yeah.
467
00:17:37,578 --> 00:17:40,494
Have no fear.
Here I am.
468
00:17:40,537 --> 00:17:42,409
Sean has been done an injustice,
469
00:17:42,452 --> 00:17:44,498
and I won't stand for it.
Luckily for him,
470
00:17:44,541 --> 00:17:47,936
I am no stranger to the song
and dance of the courtroom,
471
00:17:47,979 --> 00:17:51,157
for I myself used to be a
barrister on the Queen's Bench.
472
00:17:51,200 --> 00:17:53,507
Mainly representing myself
for crimes
473
00:17:53,550 --> 00:17:55,900
such as soliciting
and pornography.
474
00:17:55,944 --> 00:17:58,773
But I've mainly defended
a lot of hogs.
475
00:17:58,816 --> 00:18:00,296
And horses.
476
00:18:01,993 --> 00:18:04,039
JUDGE:
What is this,
some kind of Hamilton thing?
477
00:18:04,083 --> 00:18:06,259
- What?
- COLIN: Your Honor, if I may,
478
00:18:06,302 --> 00:18:08,261
New York State Statute 82
479
00:18:08,304 --> 00:18:11,307
clearly states that legal
counsel's attire cannot be
480
00:18:11,351 --> 00:18:13,179
- discriminated against.
- JUDGE: All right, fine.
481
00:18:13,222 --> 00:18:15,224
Oh, yeah.
I googled that this morning
482
00:18:15,268 --> 00:18:17,705
when I saw him
in that old lady's wig.
483
00:18:17,748 --> 00:18:21,752
My only other duty as his
de facto paralegal seems to be
484
00:18:21,796 --> 00:18:24,929
hauling around
his file boxes, which--
485
00:18:24,973 --> 00:18:26,409
between you and me--
486
00:18:26,453 --> 00:18:28,977
mostly contain pornography.
487
00:18:29,020 --> 00:18:32,328
Now, my lords,
ladies and gentlemen,
488
00:18:32,372 --> 00:18:35,288
I feel a huge injustice
has occurred here today,
489
00:18:35,331 --> 00:18:37,725
- and it needs addressing.
- And what's that?
490
00:18:37,768 --> 00:18:40,119
Well, this chap has the hair
of a pedophile.
491
00:18:40,162 --> 00:18:42,686
I've got to be honest,
I haven't stepped inside a court
492
00:18:42,730 --> 00:18:44,166
for about 300 years.
493
00:18:44,210 --> 00:18:46,168
- Objection!
- This is your fourth
494
00:18:46,212 --> 00:18:48,997
objection in the last minute,
Mr. Cravensworth. Overruled.
495
00:18:49,040 --> 00:18:51,217
- Objection.
- What about?
496
00:18:51,260 --> 00:18:52,479
Objection?
497
00:18:52,522 --> 00:18:54,045
So, my techniques
498
00:18:54,089 --> 00:18:55,351
and my methods might be
a bit old-fashioned.
499
00:18:55,395 --> 00:18:57,919
May I approach the bitch?
500
00:18:57,962 --> 00:18:59,312
-[Sean snickers]
- What did you say?
501
00:18:59,355 --> 00:19:01,052
I said,
"May I approach the bench?"
502
00:19:01,096 --> 00:19:03,272
- Ah.
- What did you think I said?
503
00:19:03,316 --> 00:19:06,188
Right. I'm ready
to wrap this up.
504
00:19:06,232 --> 00:19:11,106
The common man-- whether he be
Neanderthal, troglodyte--
505
00:19:11,150 --> 00:19:13,064
they all deserve
their day in court.
506
00:19:13,108 --> 00:19:16,155
A slice of a fair system,
wouldn't you say?
507
00:19:16,198 --> 00:19:17,504
I think I've heard enough,
thank you.
508
00:19:17,547 --> 00:19:18,853
Judgment for the plaintiff
509
00:19:18,896 --> 00:19:22,161
in the amount of $12,700.
510
00:19:22,204 --> 00:19:23,727
- What's she talking about?
-[gavel bangs]
511
00:19:23,771 --> 00:19:24,946
We lost.
512
00:19:24,989 --> 00:19:26,817
LASZLO:
What the fuck?
513
00:19:28,906 --> 00:19:30,560
-[whispers]: Fuck.
-[door opens]
514
00:19:30,604 --> 00:19:32,867
- I need to see Nadja.
- SEAN: No, no.
515
00:19:32,910 --> 00:19:34,782
- Nadja?
- No, no, bro.
516
00:19:34,825 --> 00:19:36,305
She's not there. Come on.
God, you're heavy.
517
00:19:36,349 --> 00:19:37,306
- LASZLO: I think I'm gonna puke.
- What happened?
518
00:19:37,350 --> 00:19:39,482
Well, he lost a court case
519
00:19:39,526 --> 00:19:41,441
and he took it pretty hard,
and we went to a bar
520
00:19:41,484 --> 00:19:43,051
- to... help him unwind.
-[belches]
521
00:19:43,094 --> 00:19:45,575
- Wait, Laszlo's a lawyer?
-[sighs]: Yeah.
522
00:19:45,619 --> 00:19:48,274
We met some finance guys,
and next thing you know,
523
00:19:48,317 --> 00:19:49,840
double-fisting drinks.
524
00:19:49,884 --> 00:19:52,060
They take off,
we lose track of Laz.
525
00:19:52,103 --> 00:19:54,497
-[laughing]
- They must've gone out
barhopping or something.
526
00:19:54,541 --> 00:19:56,804
Oh, I can't believe
this is the first time
527
00:19:56,847 --> 00:20:01,112
I'm inside your guys's place.
You must do a lot of antiquing.
528
00:20:01,156 --> 00:20:02,244
Nope. Don't touch that.
529
00:20:02,288 --> 00:20:04,333
Jennifer the Dreadfully Loathsome,
530
00:20:04,377 --> 00:20:07,249
we would like to officially
apologize for the distress
531
00:20:07,293 --> 00:20:09,512
your name has caused you,
and we hereby
532
00:20:09,556 --> 00:20:12,298
grant you permission to
change your name henceforth.
533
00:20:12,341 --> 00:20:14,648
- NANDOR: Yes.
- As requested, you will be known
534
00:20:14,691 --> 00:20:17,041
as Gabby
the Dreadfully Loathsome.
535
00:20:17,085 --> 00:20:18,260
- Gabby.
- Congratulations, my love.
536
00:20:18,304 --> 00:20:19,653
Thank you.
537
00:20:19,696 --> 00:20:20,958
I think we're done, guys.
Excellent day.
538
00:20:21,002 --> 00:20:22,177
-[doors slam open]
- GUILLERMO: Wait!
539
00:20:22,221 --> 00:20:23,700
NANDOR:
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!
540
00:20:23,744 --> 00:20:25,311
What is the meaning of
this outburst, Guillermo?
541
00:20:25,354 --> 00:20:27,704
He's supposed
to be ashes by now.
542
00:20:27,748 --> 00:20:30,533
GUILLERMO: The prisoner
was sentenced to death.
543
00:20:30,577 --> 00:20:33,188
And by some miracle...
[chuckles] escaped.
544
00:20:33,232 --> 00:20:35,103
- What are you talking about?
You helped me... Oh.
- Shut...
545
00:20:35,146 --> 00:20:37,323
GUILLERMO: He escaped!
But a-according to
546
00:20:37,366 --> 00:20:40,413
Codicil 18 of the Vampiric
Council Code of Conduct...
547
00:20:40,456 --> 00:20:42,110
I just made that up.
[chuckles]
548
00:20:42,153 --> 00:20:46,288
Codicil 18: The prisoner
is entitled to...
549
00:20:46,332 --> 00:20:48,072
a defense attorney!
550
00:20:48,116 --> 00:20:51,380
-[Nadja gasps, laughs]
- NANDOR: Oh, for fuck's sake...
551
00:20:51,424 --> 00:20:54,601
- All rise.
The Honorable Laszlo...
-[muttering]
552
00:20:54,644 --> 00:20:55,993
Well, you-you know who he is.
553
00:20:56,037 --> 00:20:58,300
My lords and ladies of...
554
00:20:58,344 --> 00:21:00,955
-[belches] jury.
- Ugh.
555
00:21:02,609 --> 00:21:03,784
Eh...
556
00:21:06,090 --> 00:21:07,657
Um...
557
00:21:07,701 --> 00:21:10,878
NANDOR:
Is there any more?
Okay... great.
558
00:21:10,921 --> 00:21:12,532
He's never been very good
with his blood liquor.
559
00:21:12,575 --> 00:21:16,710
If I may quote my favorite
comedian, Monty Python,
560
00:21:16,753 --> 00:21:18,712
[bad accent]:
"We better get a bucket."
561
00:21:18,755 --> 00:21:20,540
[laughs]
He's gonna throw up.
562
00:21:20,583 --> 00:21:21,845
- I think he's gonna puke.
-[belches]
563
00:21:21,889 --> 00:21:23,673
No! Before that,
I think what he was
564
00:21:23,717 --> 00:21:25,545
going to say is that he...
565
00:21:25,588 --> 00:21:30,201
volunteers to take this
young vampire under his wing.
566
00:21:30,245 --> 00:21:31,855
- NANDOR: Did he say that?
- GUILLERMO: Yes. And, of course,
567
00:21:31,899 --> 00:21:33,988
make him, you know,
work off his transgressions.
568
00:21:34,031 --> 00:21:36,251
And also, uh,
vouch for any future,
569
00:21:36,295 --> 00:21:38,427
uh, uh, behavior of his.
Right? Right, Laszlo?
570
00:21:38,471 --> 00:21:40,342
-[groaning]
- La-Laszlo?
571
00:21:40,386 --> 00:21:41,865
- NANDOR: That's a yes?
- That's a yes.
572
00:21:41,909 --> 00:21:43,867
I think it would be
so lovely for him
573
00:21:43,911 --> 00:21:46,261
if you just let him win this
first case, just for Laszlo.
574
00:21:46,305 --> 00:21:47,871
Please?
575
00:21:47,915 --> 00:21:50,309
[sighs] Okay, fine.
I don't even care at this point.
576
00:21:50,352 --> 00:21:52,267
- Release the prisoner.
-[laughs]
577
00:21:52,311 --> 00:21:54,095
NADJA:
Laszlo has won a case!
578
00:21:54,138 --> 00:21:55,966
Very good.
Well done, my love!
579
00:21:56,010 --> 00:21:57,403
- You won your first case ever!
- Well done. Well done, Laszlo.
580
00:21:57,446 --> 00:21:59,013
Congratulations.
581
00:21:59,056 --> 00:22:00,406
Guillermo, you, uh,
you saved me.
582
00:22:00,449 --> 00:22:02,538
Oh, no. Thank your l...
yeah, all right.
583
00:22:02,582 --> 00:22:04,018
Yeah. I guess it was
kind of me. [chuckles]
584
00:22:04,061 --> 00:22:06,150
[loud banging]
585
00:22:06,194 --> 00:22:08,196
NANDOR: Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Guillermo, you step away
586
00:22:08,239 --> 00:22:09,632
from that crate this instant.
587
00:22:09,676 --> 00:22:10,938
-[barking]
- Get your hands off that lock
588
00:22:10,981 --> 00:22:12,374
- immediately!
- NADJA: Guillermo,
589
00:22:12,418 --> 00:22:13,636
hellhounds are not
to be trifled with.
590
00:22:13,680 --> 00:22:14,724
NANDOR:
Don't do this!
591
00:22:14,768 --> 00:22:16,030
Did you ever stop and think
592
00:22:16,073 --> 00:22:18,380
that maybe this creature
was just hungry?
593
00:22:18,424 --> 00:22:20,774
- Or afraid?
- D-Don't. Don't open that door.
594
00:22:20,817 --> 00:22:22,906
- Or both?
-[Nadja gasps]
- Don't do it!
595
00:22:22,950 --> 00:22:25,431
- Hey...!
- There he is.
596
00:22:25,474 --> 00:22:27,737
-[gasps] Good boy. See?
-[Nadja whimpering]
597
00:22:27,781 --> 00:22:29,304
He just needed
some love and attention.
598
00:22:29,348 --> 00:22:31,175
- Away, hellhound.
- GUILLERMO: Who's a good boy?
599
00:22:31,219 --> 00:22:32,525
- Good boy.
- NADJA: How is he doing that?
600
00:22:32,568 --> 00:22:35,876
Maybe it's part
of his magical DNA.
601
00:22:35,919 --> 00:22:36,877
- Lay!
-[barks]
602
00:22:36,920 --> 00:22:38,531
[gasps] Good boy.
603
00:22:38,574 --> 00:22:41,882
And he's got an enchanted
nutsack as well, apparently.
604
00:22:41,925 --> 00:22:43,362
♪
605
00:22:43,405 --> 00:22:45,451
♪ Nobody gonna save you♪
606
00:22:45,494 --> 00:22:47,931
♪ Nobody gonna try♪
607
00:22:47,975 --> 00:22:50,151
♪ The clock,
it fuels your madness♪
608
00:22:50,194 --> 00:22:53,415
♪ And it pulls you out of time♪
609
00:22:53,459 --> 00:22:55,112
[doorbell rings]
610
00:22:55,156 --> 00:22:56,549
Yes, good evening, sir.
611
00:22:56,592 --> 00:22:58,028
Introducing the Guy Pillow.
612
00:22:58,072 --> 00:22:59,290
For the man that has everything
except...
613
00:22:59,334 --> 00:23:02,424
[groans]:
Nah. Not interested.
614
00:23:02,468 --> 00:23:06,994
I... hereby...
command you or whatever...
615
00:23:07,037 --> 00:23:09,170
to not be a dick
about this right now.
616
00:23:09,213 --> 00:23:13,522
♪ I'm gonna be there on
your Judgment Day, y-yeah♪
617
00:23:18,353 --> 00:23:22,488
♪ You punished all the innocent
and rewarded the cruel♪
618
00:23:22,531 --> 00:23:27,754
♪ You threw out all the healers,
now surrounded by fools♪
619
00:23:27,797 --> 00:23:32,802
♪ I'm gonna be there when you
stumble and you fall♪
620
00:23:32,846 --> 00:23:37,720
♪ I'm gonna be there when
no one takes your call, no-no♪
621
00:23:37,764 --> 00:23:42,812
♪ I'm gonna be there
for your hell to pay♪
622
00:23:42,856 --> 00:23:47,295
♪ I'm gonna be there
on your Judgment Day.♪
623
00:23:54,868 --> 00:23:55,564
COLIN ROBINSON READING]
624
00:24:19,153 --> 00:24:21,155
[COLIN ROBINSON CHUCKLING][UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
625
00:24:25,202 --> 00:24:26,203
[WHISPERING] Mom.
626
00:24:28,554 --> 00:24:30,947
Mom.
627
00:24:32,601 --> 00:24:34,603
The President kissed me.
628
00:24:40,827 --> 00:24:41,697
[EERIE MUSIC PLAYING]
629
00:24:49,096 --> 00:24:51,098
[PLAYS DISCORDANT TUNE]
630
00:24:55,406 --> 00:24:57,017
MAN: My name's Archer.
631
00:24:57,060 --> 00:24:59,149
Uh, I'm an egomaniac
who endangers every mission.
632
00:24:59,193 --> 00:25:02,588
Also, I'm inebriated
almost 24 hours a day.
633
00:25:02,631 --> 00:25:04,938
Lose the almost
and then take it again
634
00:25:04,981 --> 00:25:06,983
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
635
00:25:11,292 --> 00:25:12,511
MAN: Please try to avoid
sudden ships and wait.
636
00:25:12,554 --> 00:25:14,251
Sorry. Hey!
637
00:25:14,295 --> 00:25:17,037
My name is B.J. Novak.
I want to tell you
about the show I made.
638
00:25:18,647 --> 00:25:20,475
Every episode
is completely different.
639
00:25:20,519 --> 00:25:21,563
WOMAN:
Pop-culture. Sex.
640
00:25:21,607 --> 00:25:23,086
- MAN Revenge.
- MAN 2: Guns.
641
00:25:23,130 --> 00:25:25,349
Must be training
for something
642
00:25:25,393 --> 00:25:26,916
[SPUTTERS]B.J.: Meaningful issues...
643
00:25:26,960 --> 00:25:28,309
Celebrity worship is better.
644
00:25:28,352 --> 00:25:30,354
B.J.: ...explored through
meaningless comedy.
645
00:25:30,398 --> 00:25:32,748
You never forget
a scrotum like that.
646
00:25:32,792 --> 00:25:34,402
Haunts my dreams.
647
00:25:34,445 --> 00:25:35,490
That's it.
648
00:25:35,534 --> 00:25:36,883
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]