1
00:00:01,147 --> 00:00:02,453
House meeting.
2
00:00:02,538 --> 00:00:05,125
House meeting, everyone.
Hello?
3
00:00:05,266 --> 00:00:06,922
Ah, Nadja.
Uh, the house meeting
4
00:00:07,007 --> 00:00:08,969
was supposed to
start 15 minutes ago.
5
00:00:09,054 --> 00:00:10,391
- Where's Laszlo?
- He is tending
6
00:00:10,476 --> 00:00:11,516
to his fruit trees.
7
00:00:11,601 --> 00:00:13,251
Okay, great. So maybe
you want to fetch him,
8
00:00:13,335 --> 00:00:14,750
and we can begin
the house meeting.
9
00:00:14,835 --> 00:00:16,571
No, I cannot go and "fetch" him.
10
00:00:16,656 --> 00:00:17,875
That is a job for Guillermo.
11
00:00:17,960 --> 00:00:20,032
Guillermo is
on a break at the moment.
12
00:00:20,117 --> 00:00:21,297
Sorry, a what?
13
00:00:21,382 --> 00:00:23,422
From now on,
Guillermo will receive
14
00:00:23,514 --> 00:00:25,210
one day off per week.
15
00:00:26,742 --> 00:00:29,382
Plus a 15-minute break
every four hours.
16
00:00:29,631 --> 00:00:31,836
This is all my idea,
of course,
17
00:00:31,921 --> 00:00:34,079
- not Guillermo's idea.
- Guillermo,
18
00:00:34,164 --> 00:00:36,291
I give you permission to take
a break from your breaking.
19
00:00:36,375 --> 00:00:38,790
Guillermo, you will do
no such thing. You will not break...
20
00:00:38,874 --> 00:00:40,461
Starting to
think my whole life is a big pile
21
00:00:40,545 --> 00:00:41,750
of bullshit.
22
00:00:41,835 --> 00:00:43,125
Sometimes this job seems like
23
00:00:43,210 --> 00:00:45,460
a really childish
career choice.
24
00:00:45,750 --> 00:00:47,329
Like, what am I doing here?
25
00:00:47,421 --> 00:00:48,955
I don't know.
Maybe it's time to grow up
26
00:00:49,039 --> 00:00:51,859
and get a real job
with real people.
27
00:00:51,968 --> 00:00:53,312
Maybe I could start a business?
28
00:00:53,467 --> 00:00:55,180
I was using these Tide pens
the other day
29
00:00:55,265 --> 00:00:56,901
to take off blood
off my clothes.
30
00:00:57,046 --> 00:01:00,015
And I thought,
I don't have to do this. I...
31
00:01:00,100 --> 00:01:02,018
I dumped all of this...
32
00:01:02,476 --> 00:01:05,054
into this to make this.
33
00:01:05,179 --> 00:01:06,310
Isn't that cool?
34
00:01:06,394 --> 00:01:08,102
It's a Heavy Duty
Blood Remover.
35
00:01:08,194 --> 00:01:09,987
Been watching
a lot of Shark Tank lately.
36
00:01:10,249 --> 00:01:12,852
The sky will be the limit.
What do you say?
37
00:01:12,952 --> 00:01:15,433
- Can we make a deal today?
- I am not fetching anyone!
38
00:01:15,860 --> 00:01:18,227
When I was a child,
I loved juicy red apples.
39
00:01:19,062 --> 00:01:21,156
Now they just smell
like shit and decay.
40
00:01:21,241 --> 00:01:23,695
So now what I basically do
is cut them off the tree
41
00:01:23,780 --> 00:01:25,156
and throw them on the floor.
42
00:01:26,765 --> 00:01:28,897
Laszlo.
43
00:01:30,254 --> 00:01:31,371
Did you hear that?
44
00:01:31,456 --> 00:01:34,041
Laszlo Cravensworth.
45
00:01:34,288 --> 00:01:36,373
Who calls the Cravensworth?
46
00:01:36,577 --> 00:01:39,687
You have a lot of nerve
disturbing me,
47
00:01:39,772 --> 00:01:41,757
in my garden, pruning.
48
00:01:42,569 --> 00:01:45,641
It would be best for everybody
if you show yourself now.
49
00:01:47,942 --> 00:01:48,954
A goat.
50
00:01:49,039 --> 00:01:50,397
Bell ringing
51
00:01:50,482 --> 00:01:52,749
Your shepherd will be wondering
where the hell you are.
52
00:01:52,841 --> 00:01:56,358
- Laszlo! House meeting time.
- Yeah, I'll be there momentarily.
53
00:01:56,443 --> 00:01:57,914
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
54
00:01:57,998 --> 00:02:00,232
What kind
of goat sorcery is this?
55
00:02:00,326 --> 00:02:02,999
The ceremony awaits you.
56
00:02:03,084 --> 00:02:04,718
Help! Aah!
57
00:02:04,803 --> 00:02:06,882
Laszlo, the house meeting!
58
00:02:06,967 --> 00:02:08,951
Laszlo!
59
00:02:10,786 --> 00:02:12,838
"You're Dead"
by Norma Tanega playing...
60
00:02:13,380 --> 00:02:16,163
♪♪ Don't sing if you want
to live long ♪♪
61
00:02:16,248 --> 00:02:18,945
♪♪ They have no use
for your song ♪♪
62
00:02:19,030 --> 00:02:21,897
♪♪ You're dead, you're dead,
you're dead ♪♪
63
00:02:21,982 --> 00:02:24,787
♪♪ You're dead
and out of this world ♪♪
64
00:02:25,738 --> 00:02:28,459
♪♪ Now your hope and compassion
is gone ♪♪
65
00:02:28,553 --> 00:02:31,296
♪♪ You sold out your dream
to the world ♪♪
66
00:02:31,381 --> 00:02:34,147
♪♪ Stay dead, stay dead,
stay dead ♪♪
67
00:02:34,232 --> 00:02:36,515
♪♪ You're dead
and out of this world. ♪♪
68
00:02:41,182 --> 00:02:43,182
*WHAT WE DO IN THE SHADOWS*
Season 02 Episode 09
69
00:02:43,266 --> 00:02:45,469
Episode Title: "Witches"
Aired on: June 03, 2020
70
00:02:45,764 --> 00:02:48,384
I can feel something
terrible has happened.
71
00:02:48,469 --> 00:02:50,491
It's witches.
They have taken him!
72
00:02:50,575 --> 00:02:52,969
I can feel it on the inside
of my bones.
73
00:02:53,053 --> 00:02:54,149
Ah...
74
00:02:54,273 --> 00:02:57,453
I'm not saying
that Nadja is hysterical, but
75
00:02:57,548 --> 00:03:00,985
she blames everything
on witches.
76
00:03:02,352 --> 00:03:03,478
Witches are near.
77
00:03:03,563 --> 00:03:05,602
Like every
little fucking thing.
78
00:03:07,024 --> 00:03:08,462
The witches
have been toying
79
00:03:08,547 --> 00:03:10,009
with our rugs again.
Please get some
80
00:03:10,094 --> 00:03:12,649
witch-proof carpet tape
and tape that rug down.
81
00:03:13,219 --> 00:03:15,267
Witches! Aah!
82
00:03:15,352 --> 00:03:16,984
See?
83
00:03:17,492 --> 00:03:19,040
Witch dust.
Ugh!
84
00:03:19,125 --> 00:03:21,719
- Or dirt.
- It's not... not witch dust.
85
00:03:21,804 --> 00:03:22,899
Oh, it stinks.
86
00:03:22,984 --> 00:03:23,993
Nobody breathe it in.
87
00:03:24,078 --> 00:03:25,681
It's how they seize
control of your mind.
88
00:03:25,766 --> 00:03:27,868
We're going to
have to burn the garden.
89
00:03:27,953 --> 00:03:30,462
- We have to do something!
- I think perhaps the best place
90
00:03:30,547 --> 00:03:32,353
to start is
to look around here.
91
00:03:32,438 --> 00:03:33,837
- Let's do that.
- Excuse me.
92
00:03:33,922 --> 00:03:35,986
Guillermo,
you will join us, too.
93
00:03:36,071 --> 00:03:38,711
Nah, that's not
in my job description.
94
00:03:38,796 --> 00:03:40,093
Laszlo?
95
00:03:40,177 --> 00:03:41,953
Did you fall down
a hole again?
96
00:03:42,060 --> 00:03:43,828
Nandor.
97
00:03:43,946 --> 00:03:46,728
- Did somebody call my name?
- No, no, shit, Nandor, don't!
98
00:03:46,813 --> 00:03:48,892
Hey, there's a goat
over here.
99
00:03:48,977 --> 00:03:52,204
- Hello, Mr. Goat.
- Nandor, it's... No, don't!
100
00:03:52,289 --> 00:03:54,024
You're very handsome,
aren't you?
101
00:03:54,171 --> 00:03:55,437
Have we met before?
102
00:03:55,521 --> 00:03:59,523
- The ceremony awaits you.
- Hey. Wait. Hey!
103
00:03:59,607 --> 00:04:00,634
Whoa!
104
00:04:00,718 --> 00:04:02,086
Shit, shit, shit.
105
00:04:02,171 --> 00:04:04,836
- Okay. I'll get the keys.
- Yes, you bloody will.
106
00:04:04,921 --> 00:04:07,625
I'll be damned. Witches.
107
00:04:07,710 --> 00:04:09,038
Colin, hurry!
108
00:04:12,272 --> 00:04:13,913
Can you not make
109
00:04:13,997 --> 00:04:15,211
this carriage move faster?
110
00:04:15,296 --> 00:04:16,978
You're moving slower
than when my yaya tried
111
00:04:17,062 --> 00:04:18,680
to ride a snail
to the next village.
112
00:04:18,765 --> 00:04:20,220
If you wanted to go faster,
why didn't you fly?
113
00:04:20,304 --> 00:04:21,516
Ooh, it's too dangerous.
114
00:04:21,601 --> 00:04:23,594
Look how quickly
and disgustingly they move.
115
00:04:23,679 --> 00:04:24,835
They're really hauling ass.
116
00:04:24,920 --> 00:04:26,679
Oh, Gizmo, they're getting ready
to land.
117
00:04:26,763 --> 00:04:27,921
Ooh!
118
00:04:28,006 --> 00:04:29,438
- Ooh.
- Oh.
119
00:04:29,523 --> 00:04:31,477
Well, luckily,
that was just Nandor.
120
00:04:31,562 --> 00:04:34,184
- Oh! They're moving toward the right!
- Hey! Take the next exit!
121
00:04:34,269 --> 00:04:35,857
No!
122
00:04:36,894 --> 00:04:38,959
Let go of the wheel!
Your driving's gonna kill us!
123
00:04:43,701 --> 00:04:45,302
Stop the machine, make it stop.
124
00:04:45,567 --> 00:04:46,858
Yes. They are near.
125
00:04:46,943 --> 00:04:49,037
The smell of beef and sulfur
is overwhelming.
126
00:04:49,122 --> 00:04:51,817
- That's just Brooklyn.
- Yes. It's over there.
127
00:04:51,911 --> 00:04:55,123
Do you want me to go in
for a quick snoop and poop?
128
00:04:55,208 --> 00:04:57,224
No. You cannot go.
They will sense you.
129
00:04:57,309 --> 00:05:00,795
No, we need a mortal.
A human. A common schlub.
130
00:05:00,880 --> 00:05:03,443
A nobody. Someone who's
personality is like a eunuch's.
131
00:05:03,528 --> 00:05:04,638
- You know?
- Okay, I'm gonna go.
132
00:05:04,722 --> 00:05:05,920
I'll go. All right?
I'll go.
133
00:05:06,005 --> 00:05:07,390
Oh, really, Guillermo, I would
never have... - Right, I'll do it.
134
00:05:07,474 --> 00:05:08,865
No. I'll go. - Thank you,
Guillermo. - I just...
135
00:05:08,949 --> 00:05:10,747
Don't worry.
136
00:05:10,832 --> 00:05:12,599
I have to do everything
myself.
137
00:05:12,731 --> 00:05:15,606
You guys stay back, okay?
Just stay back here.
138
00:05:18,809 --> 00:05:20,355
Anything I can help you find?
139
00:05:20,510 --> 00:05:22,770
No. No, I'm just...
140
00:05:23,112 --> 00:05:25,684
taking a look at, um...
141
00:05:26,512 --> 00:05:28,036
Is this...
is this the only room,
142
00:05:28,121 --> 00:05:31,102
or is there another room
with other stuff, or...?
143
00:05:31,187 --> 00:05:32,738
You're looking
for something specific?
144
00:05:32,822 --> 00:05:33,888
Any allergies?
145
00:05:33,973 --> 00:05:36,040
No. I mean, my nose is stuffy,
but I don't know
146
00:05:36,125 --> 00:05:37,410
if it's because
of a food allergy
147
00:05:37,494 --> 00:05:39,303
- or a seasonal allergy, or...
- Mm-hmm.
148
00:05:39,388 --> 00:05:41,380
Oh, no, you don't have
to do that. No, thank you.
149
00:05:41,464 --> 00:05:43,028
No. No. I'm not good at...
150
00:05:43,192 --> 00:05:45,685
- Mmm...
- Oh, that feels good.
151
00:05:45,770 --> 00:05:48,435
Oh, I think she's trying
to squeeze Gizmo's eyeballs out.
152
00:05:48,520 --> 00:05:51,557
The consensus on Instagram
is that we underestimate
153
00:05:51,641 --> 00:05:53,359
the importance of self-care.
154
00:05:53,443 --> 00:05:54,860
Hang on.
155
00:05:55,400 --> 00:05:57,451
Oh, shit.
156
00:05:57,536 --> 00:06:00,239
- Oh!
- Fuck.
157
00:06:01,427 --> 00:06:04,602
Do you have anything
for Rosacea?
158
00:06:04,702 --> 00:06:08,138
I think I have
a little flare-up on my chin.
159
00:06:08,231 --> 00:06:09,942
Come with me.
Bring the cameras.
160
00:06:10,027 --> 00:06:11,872
- There's no...
- This way.
161
00:06:20,155 --> 00:06:21,974
Fire.
162
00:06:22,059 --> 00:06:24,576
I say, ladies,
perhaps we could come
163
00:06:24,661 --> 00:06:26,053
to some kind of arrangement?
164
00:06:26,138 --> 00:06:29,278
I mean, you don't need
the two of us, surely. No?
165
00:06:29,778 --> 00:06:31,809
Psst, guys.
166
00:06:32,419 --> 00:06:33,817
A little help?
167
00:06:34,537 --> 00:06:37,209
- Intruders! Intruders!
- Sorry, guys.
168
00:06:37,294 --> 00:06:40,810
Fret not, my sisters.
169
00:06:40,895 --> 00:06:42,497
Let 'em in.
170
00:06:45,653 --> 00:06:49,084
Let the ceremony be documented
171
00:06:49,169 --> 00:06:51,216
for the ages.
172
00:06:53,739 --> 00:06:54,826
Idiot.
173
00:06:54,982 --> 00:06:56,410
This is kind of exciting.
174
00:06:56,502 --> 00:06:58,253
Little dark in here, huh?
175
00:06:58,338 --> 00:06:59,671
You will remain here
with the others
176
00:06:59,755 --> 00:07:01,201
until the ceremony is complete.
177
00:07:01,286 --> 00:07:02,854
What cer...?
Others, what?
178
00:07:08,489 --> 00:07:09,592
Wait!
179
00:07:09,677 --> 00:07:10,796
Guillermo, get the lights.
180
00:07:10,880 --> 00:07:12,624
- I'm looking for it.
- It's over there.
181
00:07:12,708 --> 00:07:14,162
- Over where?
- Now he's getting
182
00:07:14,246 --> 00:07:16,435
breaks all the time, so he doesn't want
to turn the lights on!
183
00:07:16,519 --> 00:07:17,363
I'm looking...
184
00:07:17,448 --> 00:07:19,904
- This talking back!
- I'm looking for it!
185
00:07:19,989 --> 00:07:21,193
Turn on the damn light!
186
00:07:21,278 --> 00:07:22,890
Fuck you guys.
187
00:07:22,974 --> 00:07:24,239
Aha!
188
00:07:25,034 --> 00:07:27,575
Oh, what is this place?
189
00:07:28,880 --> 00:07:31,802
Uh,
some sort of storage room, perhaps.
190
00:07:39,302 --> 00:07:40,850
Not a storage room.
191
00:07:41,898 --> 00:07:43,816
Places, everyone.
192
00:07:46,380 --> 00:07:47,763
Everything is secure?
193
00:07:47,855 --> 00:07:49,056
Yes.
194
00:07:51,770 --> 00:07:53,224
Witches!
195
00:07:53,309 --> 00:07:55,989
Hear me now and take note.
196
00:07:56,349 --> 00:07:59,802
Release us,
and you will be shown mercy.
197
00:08:00,177 --> 00:08:03,722
But... any further hesitation
will ensure
198
00:08:03,806 --> 00:08:07,809
your complete
and utter destruction!
199
00:08:13,532 --> 00:08:16,161
- That'll do.
- Well done, Nandor.
200
00:08:16,294 --> 00:08:17,631
You've certainly
frightened them.
201
00:08:17,716 --> 00:08:20,317
Now let us begin.
202
00:08:21,781 --> 00:08:23,420
Start the music.
203
00:08:23,809 --> 00:08:25,006
♪♪ I see you, little mama ♪♪
204
00:08:25,091 --> 00:08:25,944
- ♪♪ Doin' your thang ♪♪
- No.
205
00:08:26,028 --> 00:08:28,303
♪♪ But you would look much better
underneath my w... ♪♪
206
00:08:28,388 --> 00:08:29,639
Wrong playlist.
207
00:08:29,724 --> 00:08:31,584
That's for the hip-hop
kundalini class we offer
208
00:08:31,669 --> 00:08:32,904
Tuesday, Thursday evenings.
209
00:08:32,989 --> 00:08:35,630
- Sorry.
- It's all right, Tessa.
210
00:08:35,715 --> 00:08:37,088
Start the music.
211
00:08:42,403 --> 00:08:43,261
What
the hell are those?
212
00:08:43,346 --> 00:08:45,303
I don't know...
213
00:08:45,388 --> 00:08:46,951
I think this is the end.
214
00:08:47,036 --> 00:08:49,368
Don't breathe it in.
It's some kind of...
215
00:08:49,452 --> 00:08:51,404
- Hey...
- Hello.
216
00:08:51,488 --> 00:08:53,372
I must say, I-I'm not sure
217
00:08:53,456 --> 00:08:55,224
I fully disapprove
of this abduction.
218
00:08:55,309 --> 00:08:58,841
- Relaxing, really.
- Some might say erotic.
219
00:08:59,105 --> 00:09:01,709
I don't know about y-you,
old chap, but
220
00:09:01,794 --> 00:09:04,458
- I have a raging hard-on.
- Yes.
221
00:09:05,575 --> 00:09:08,587
These witches are sly,
but so am I.
222
00:09:08,671 --> 00:09:10,388
I think I have 'em figured out.
223
00:09:10,473 --> 00:09:13,426
Door on the floor...
we ain't here no more.
224
00:09:13,559 --> 00:09:17,095
Aah! Help!
225
00:09:20,067 --> 00:09:21,451
That does that thing.
226
00:09:24,247 --> 00:09:27,217
Oh, hello. We were wondering
227
00:09:27,302 --> 00:09:28,396
if, um...
228
00:09:31,961 --> 00:09:33,403
Ma'am.
229
00:09:35,632 --> 00:09:37,168
- This way.
- Ah.
230
00:09:37,834 --> 00:09:39,701
- Later, suckers.
- And so when I saw that,
231
00:09:39,786 --> 00:09:42,114
I knew
it was the right door.
232
00:09:44,630 --> 00:09:47,537
- Puta madre.
- How many door rooms do they have?
233
00:09:47,622 --> 00:09:50,888
It's the same one,
Professor Pig Dick!
234
00:09:51,662 --> 00:09:53,732
I've done a lot of escape rooms,
235
00:09:53,817 --> 00:09:55,874
but I'm usually the one in
the group that is asking about
236
00:09:55,958 --> 00:09:59,155
where we're gonna go
for dinner afterwards
237
00:09:59,240 --> 00:10:01,420
and how we'll split up the bill.
238
00:10:01,505 --> 00:10:02,881
Don't open that, Nadja.
239
00:10:06,054 --> 00:10:07,865
I hate this place!
240
00:10:07,950 --> 00:10:11,723
Laszlo, my love,
I am coming for you. Be strong.
241
00:10:11,833 --> 00:10:14,068
- I'm coming!
- Not now! Um...
242
00:10:14,161 --> 00:10:17,615
I mean, um, uh,
in your own time, my darling.
243
00:10:17,700 --> 00:10:19,576
- No immediate hurry.
- 'Tis time
244
00:10:19,661 --> 00:10:21,826
- to begin the extraction.
- The what, now?
245
00:10:21,911 --> 00:10:23,662
- Removal of your semen.
- Oh, yes.
246
00:10:23,747 --> 00:10:26,403
Well, I'm quite keen
on that idea, let that be known.
247
00:10:26,558 --> 00:10:28,748
Now, the process
248
00:10:28,841 --> 00:10:29,841
will be quick...
249
00:10:30,052 --> 00:10:31,754
Well, that's slightly insulting
but probably true.
250
00:10:31,838 --> 00:10:33,756
Though I can go again.
251
00:10:33,841 --> 00:10:37,069
...though, I'm afraid,
not entirely painless.
252
00:10:37,154 --> 00:10:39,615
- Ah.
- Tess? Quinn?
253
00:10:39,700 --> 00:10:41,553
Ooh, look out. Marital aids?
254
00:10:41,638 --> 00:10:44,251
No. 18th century surgical tools.
255
00:10:45,666 --> 00:10:47,116
- Ew.
- Shit.
256
00:10:47,201 --> 00:10:49,913
Fast as you can, my dear!
Like, now!
257
00:10:49,998 --> 00:10:54,111
They are fully engorged.
258
00:10:54,287 --> 00:10:55,748
True.
259
00:10:56,161 --> 00:10:59,513
Let us revert to our true form.
260
00:11:04,296 --> 00:11:05,647
MILFs.
261
00:11:05,732 --> 00:11:07,850
- Even better.
- It's a contrast
262
00:11:07,935 --> 00:11:10,552
but something
I wouldn't say no to.
263
00:11:10,638 --> 00:11:14,431
I'll prepare the cauldron. Bring
me the fluid when the bowls
264
00:11:14,516 --> 00:11:17,631
- are filled to the brim.
- What are you doing with those?
265
00:11:17,716 --> 00:11:19,139
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- Hi.
266
00:11:19,224 --> 00:11:21,234
I- I don't think that bowl's
going to be big enough.
267
00:11:21,318 --> 00:11:22,849
- Nadja!
- Don't think it's going to fit in there.
268
00:11:22,933 --> 00:11:24,473
You really need
to get here!
269
00:11:24,558 --> 00:11:27,706
Ah. Looks like Epicurus,
270
00:11:27,791 --> 00:11:31,210
the Greek philosopher
and father of hedonism.
271
00:11:31,456 --> 00:11:33,988
Pleasure is the absence
of suffering.
272
00:11:34,127 --> 00:11:36,620
The Greek word
for pleasure is...
273
00:11:37,111 --> 00:11:38,296
Found it.
274
00:11:38,381 --> 00:11:39,581
Ready?
275
00:11:39,898 --> 00:11:41,787
Well, h-h-how'd you find that?
276
00:11:41,872 --> 00:11:43,159
"Salida."
277
00:11:43,267 --> 00:11:44,885
- "Exit."
- It's in Spanish. I know.
278
00:11:44,970 --> 00:11:47,050
- I know that, too.
- I... I've discovered it.
279
00:11:47,135 --> 00:11:49,824
- I would've thought of it.
- Guillermo.
280
00:11:49,909 --> 00:11:51,628
I told you
I'd get us out of here.
281
00:11:51,966 --> 00:11:54,965
- It's for wine, isn't it?
- No, no, no, no, no.
282
00:11:55,050 --> 00:11:56,502
- We just met.
- Where are you going with that?
283
00:11:56,586 --> 00:11:58,699
Put those tiny swords down
this instant,
284
00:11:58,784 --> 00:12:00,878
or you'll be removing them
from your crusty old tits
285
00:12:00,963 --> 00:12:02,222
and dry, old asses.
286
00:12:02,307 --> 00:12:04,691
Ooh, my darling,
am I pleased to see you.
287
00:12:04,776 --> 00:12:06,544
How did you escape
from our secret room?
288
00:12:06,629 --> 00:12:08,167
That would be me, ma'am.
Thank you.
289
00:12:08,252 --> 00:12:10,722
I put together
all your clues.
290
00:12:10,816 --> 00:12:12,417
- Figured it out.
- Actually, it was me.
291
00:12:12,502 --> 00:12:13,887
I'm the one who saw...
It's in Spanish.
292
00:12:13,971 --> 00:12:16,675
Well, yo soy a bit
of a puzzle head.
293
00:12:16,760 --> 00:12:18,177
You're a man
of great intelligence.
294
00:12:18,262 --> 00:12:21,446
Yes, Mensa has been trying
to get me to join.
295
00:12:21,531 --> 00:12:24,484
You've proven that you are also
worthy of semen extraction.
296
00:12:24,613 --> 00:12:27,632
Oh, thank you. I'd like
to tell you you'd be the first
297
00:12:27,717 --> 00:12:29,355
to ever say that to me,
but you're not.
298
00:12:29,440 --> 00:12:30,598
Not with those, though.
299
00:12:30,682 --> 00:12:32,900
Yeah, that's your guy
right there.
300
00:12:32,985 --> 00:12:34,363
No hablo inglés.
301
00:12:34,745 --> 00:12:36,347
Real nice job, Colin Robinson.
302
00:12:36,459 --> 00:12:38,577
Well, I know we're all having
the laugh of our lives,
303
00:12:38,661 --> 00:12:40,792
but sadly all parties
must come to an end.
304
00:12:40,877 --> 00:12:42,667
Guillermo, untie them.
305
00:12:42,752 --> 00:12:44,113
Can't you see
you're outnumbered?
306
00:12:44,198 --> 00:12:46,983
What are you gonna do...
Moisturize us to death?
307
00:12:47,076 --> 00:12:49,589
- No. -
- Enough.
308
00:12:51,791 --> 00:12:54,525
Oh, Lilith, I should have known
this was you.
309
00:12:54,610 --> 00:12:56,800
Your stinky old stank
was all over it.
310
00:12:56,885 --> 00:12:59,808
Lilith is a witch I befriended
many, many years ago.
311
00:12:59,893 --> 00:13:01,344
She used to run a shop that sold
312
00:13:01,429 --> 00:13:03,013
all the newest mixtures
of makeups
313
00:13:03,098 --> 00:13:04,821
and ladies' clothings
and shirtings
314
00:13:04,906 --> 00:13:06,433
and suitings and shoesings.
315
00:13:06,518 --> 00:13:07,768
It was all a front, of course.
316
00:13:07,853 --> 00:13:10,347
It was a way to distribute
the very best of semens
317
00:13:10,432 --> 00:13:11,824
to any witch who needed it.
318
00:13:11,909 --> 00:13:14,058
Naturally, we hit it off
straightaway.
319
00:13:14,186 --> 00:13:15,988
Very fast friends.
320
00:13:16,073 --> 00:13:18,745
That was,
until she did something so evil,
321
00:13:18,830 --> 00:13:22,152
so despicable,
so unforgivable that we are now
322
00:13:22,237 --> 00:13:24,074
sworn enemies
for the rest of time.
323
00:13:26,302 --> 00:13:28,453
Five spits for an enemy, Lilith.
324
00:13:28,538 --> 00:13:31,525
- You look so different to
how I remember you. - Oh, yes.
325
00:13:31,610 --> 00:13:35,222
I appear to you now
as my natural, aged self.
326
00:13:35,307 --> 00:13:36,840
With every passing moment,
327
00:13:36,925 --> 00:13:39,605
our anti-aging spells
lose their potency.
328
00:13:39,690 --> 00:13:42,075
Well, over my undead body
will your crispy hands
329
00:13:42,160 --> 00:13:45,112
get anywhere near
my husband's sperms again.
330
00:13:45,197 --> 00:13:47,683
- "Again"? - Hmm?
- Yeah.
331
00:13:47,768 --> 00:13:49,072
Thing is,
332
00:13:49,157 --> 00:13:52,944
I had a bit of a knee trembler
with Lilith some time ago,
333
00:13:53,029 --> 00:13:55,610
and Nadja found out
and put me on her shit list.
334
00:13:55,695 --> 00:13:56,845
Okay...
She tricked me
335
00:13:56,930 --> 00:13:58,152
with her witchcraft.
336
00:13:58,237 --> 00:14:00,973
Oh, she tricked you, did she?
Come on, Laszlo!
337
00:14:02,712 --> 00:14:04,801
He does not lie.
338
00:14:04,886 --> 00:14:06,499
I didn't come to him
in the form you see me now.
339
00:14:06,583 --> 00:14:09,105
I took a form that I knew
340
00:14:09,190 --> 00:14:12,027
he could never resist.
341
00:14:12,210 --> 00:14:14,644
You.
342
00:14:14,923 --> 00:14:17,113
In bed, she made herself
look just like you.
343
00:14:17,198 --> 00:14:19,717
It's true.
Watch me now. Watch me.
344
00:14:19,802 --> 00:14:21,980
Watch as I transform
345
00:14:22,065 --> 00:14:24,184
to look exactly
346
00:14:24,269 --> 00:14:27,925
like... you!
347
00:14:28,071 --> 00:14:29,907
Voilà.
348
00:14:30,872 --> 00:14:32,675
Is that what you think
I look like?
349
00:14:33,065 --> 00:14:35,214
From here,
I-I can't tell the difference.
350
00:14:35,299 --> 00:14:37,417
You both look exactly the same.
351
00:14:37,502 --> 00:14:39,621
It's a completely
different woman.
352
00:14:39,706 --> 00:14:41,057
Sorry, you'll have
to raise your hand.
353
00:14:41,141 --> 00:14:42,659
Otherwise, I don't know
who's talking.
354
00:14:42,744 --> 00:14:45,062
- Speak for me.
- Speak for me.
355
00:14:45,455 --> 00:14:46,909
- She...
- The same.
356
00:14:46,994 --> 00:14:49,417
She's just doing
a generic European accent!
357
00:14:49,502 --> 00:14:51,820
"Generic European accent."
358
00:14:51,905 --> 00:14:54,156
- Pretty close, my love.
- Colin Robinson?
359
00:14:54,241 --> 00:14:55,738
- Um...
- Nandor?
360
00:14:55,823 --> 00:14:56,808
Uh...
361
00:14:56,893 --> 00:14:58,723
Look at us standing
together now. It's-it's me,
362
00:14:58,807 --> 00:14:59,857
and it's another woman.
363
00:14:59,942 --> 00:15:01,956
How many more women
have you slept with
364
00:15:02,041 --> 00:15:04,097
that just have long dark hair?
365
00:15:04,447 --> 00:15:06,956
She's got long dark hair.
Have you slept with her?
366
00:15:07,896 --> 00:15:09,464
Hello, Judith.
367
00:15:11,176 --> 00:15:13,456
Nandor's got long dark hair
and an accent.
368
00:15:13,541 --> 00:15:15,142
Have you slept with him?
369
00:15:17,246 --> 00:15:20,041
I can't believe...
370
00:15:20,183 --> 00:15:21,949
Right...
371
00:15:22,034 --> 00:15:23,784
You're welcome
to his semens.
372
00:15:23,869 --> 00:15:25,761
- I'm going home.
- Silence!
373
00:15:25,910 --> 00:15:28,128
No one is going anywhere
now.
374
00:15:28,222 --> 00:15:30,910
With the combined semen
375
00:15:31,003 --> 00:15:35,237
of these two vampires...
376
00:15:36,261 --> 00:15:37,371
What's your name?
377
00:15:37,456 --> 00:15:38,989
C- Colin Robinson, Miss.
378
00:15:39,074 --> 00:15:41,981
With Colin Robinson's
379
00:15:42,066 --> 00:15:43,678
semen, too,
380
00:15:43,762 --> 00:15:48,481
we can maintain
our youthful appearances
381
00:15:48,566 --> 00:15:51,712
for an even
382
00:15:51,804 --> 00:15:55,290
longer amount of time
than before.
383
00:15:55,374 --> 00:15:56,658
- Ah.
- Yes, yes, yes.
384
00:15:56,742 --> 00:15:58,660
- Well done. Well done.
- Thank you.
385
00:15:58,744 --> 00:16:00,729
Also, we use it
to make magnets.
386
00:16:00,949 --> 00:16:04,714
Witches.
May I ask you a quick question?
387
00:16:04,830 --> 00:16:08,879
What would you say if I told you
that I could provide you
388
00:16:08,964 --> 00:16:11,550
with all the vampire semen
and more
389
00:16:11,667 --> 00:16:14,309
that your little black hearts
desire?
390
00:16:14,393 --> 00:16:16,534
Hmm, go on.
391
00:16:16,791 --> 00:16:20,434
Sure, you can leave today
with a one-time extraction
392
00:16:20,519 --> 00:16:23,582
- from these two well-endowed...
- Three.
393
00:16:23,667 --> 00:16:25,558
- Hmm?
- Three well-endowed...
394
00:16:25,644 --> 00:16:26,942
- Okay.
- Go on.
395
00:16:27,027 --> 00:16:29,418
These three gentlemen.
396
00:16:29,549 --> 00:16:31,877
But what happens
when that semen is gone?
397
00:16:31,964 --> 00:16:34,696
You're out on the prowl
hunting for more.
398
00:16:34,780 --> 00:16:36,058
Yeah, it's true.
399
00:16:36,143 --> 00:16:38,965
The search for prospective
donors is a constant headache.
400
00:16:39,050 --> 00:16:40,160
Also,
401
00:16:40,245 --> 00:16:41,603
last time things...
402
00:16:42,432 --> 00:16:43,980
totally went off the rails.
403
00:16:44,131 --> 00:16:45,881
Exactly.
404
00:16:45,966 --> 00:16:48,871
So what would you say
if I could provide you
405
00:16:48,956 --> 00:16:52,147
an unlimited supply
of semen? Yeah.
406
00:16:52,316 --> 00:16:55,120
I basically offered them a deal
where, if I could get
407
00:16:55,205 --> 00:16:57,511
Nandor and Laszlo's...
408
00:16:58,363 --> 00:17:00,448
seed, willingly,
409
00:17:00,533 --> 00:17:02,290
then in return,
I would get three percent
410
00:17:02,375 --> 00:17:03,331
of the net profit.
411
00:17:03,416 --> 00:17:06,135
I call this Memo's Man Milk.
412
00:17:06,220 --> 00:17:07,404
Love it.
413
00:17:07,489 --> 00:17:08,829
Memo's short for Guillermo.
414
00:17:08,914 --> 00:17:11,328
No more kidnappings
or surgical
415
00:17:11,413 --> 00:17:13,599
extractions,
and it's not like there's
416
00:17:13,684 --> 00:17:15,898
not enough to go around.
That stuff is everywhere.
417
00:17:16,007 --> 00:17:18,536
I also included Colin Robinson
in the deal,
418
00:17:18,621 --> 00:17:21,316
which they replied
and said "No."
419
00:17:22,027 --> 00:17:23,778
Yeah, I've always been good
at puzzles.
420
00:17:23,862 --> 00:17:26,552
At the 1992
World Puzzle Championship,
421
00:17:26,637 --> 00:17:29,755
I told New York Times
puzzle master Will Shortz
422
00:17:29,840 --> 00:17:30,825
to "eat my shorts."
423
00:17:30,910 --> 00:17:32,161
What the hell?
424
00:17:32,246 --> 00:17:33,614
Who the hell has done all this?
425
00:17:33,698 --> 00:17:34,544
What the...?
426
00:17:34,629 --> 00:17:36,434
My pillows.
427
00:17:37,248 --> 00:17:39,093
What is that sound?
428
00:17:39,178 --> 00:17:41,833
I think it's coming
from down the hall.
429
00:17:41,918 --> 00:17:43,715
- Oh.
- It's the bloody goat.
430
00:17:43,918 --> 00:17:45,894
Wait. Does he live here now?
431
00:17:45,979 --> 00:17:48,036
- Oh, no!
- Did you do this?
432
00:17:48,121 --> 00:17:49,504
Get out of here!
433
00:17:49,588 --> 00:17:52,786
- Oh, no! - Begone!
- Shoo! Naughty goat.
434
00:17:52,871 --> 00:17:55,038
I know where you live,
asshole.
435
00:18:00,230 --> 00:18:02,215
- What are you up to?
- Oh, nothing much.
436
00:18:02,300 --> 00:18:03,230
You?
437
00:18:03,315 --> 00:18:05,113
Relegated to the
coffin in the basement.
438
00:18:05,198 --> 00:18:07,207
Ah. Tough break.
439
00:18:07,324 --> 00:18:09,124
- You still, uh...
- Terribly.
440
00:18:09,480 --> 00:18:11,777
- You?
- Full blazes.
441
00:18:15,147 --> 00:18:16,544
Look, I was thinking that...
442
00:18:16,629 --> 00:18:18,988
That we should finish each other
off and tell no one?
443
00:18:19,269 --> 00:18:21,168
Well, I'm game if you are.
444
00:18:26,643 --> 00:18:28,589
I saved the
day when no one else could.
445
00:18:28,681 --> 00:18:30,925
- Knock, knock.
- Oh, hey there.
446
00:18:31,018 --> 00:18:34,144
But I will always
be "just a familiar" to them.
447
00:18:34,293 --> 00:18:37,285
I'm just another schlub
driving around Brooklyn
448
00:18:37,371 --> 00:18:39,224
with a bunch of jars full
of semen.
449
00:18:39,309 --> 00:18:42,395
- Another delivery?
- Yeah. How about you?
450
00:18:42,480 --> 00:18:44,161
- Guard duty.
- Cool, cool.
451
00:18:44,246 --> 00:18:46,286
It isn't easy for guys like us.
452
00:18:46,371 --> 00:18:48,348
Well, technically,
you're not a guy, so...
453
00:18:48,488 --> 00:18:52,201
I mean, just hanging around for
years doing all the shit work.
454
00:18:52,574 --> 00:18:55,404
Sometimes I wonder
if they'll ever make me a witch.
455
00:18:55,550 --> 00:18:56,972
Yeah.
456
00:18:57,290 --> 00:18:59,177
Anyways, I got to go,
Black Peter, okay?
457
00:18:59,262 --> 00:19:00,832
- I'll see you later.
- Later.
458
00:19:02,222 --> 00:19:05,514
♪♪ Gather up the dill
and the thyme and the walnuts ♪♪
459
00:19:05,598 --> 00:19:09,895
♪♪ The fennel and the sage and
the garlic and the foxgloves ♪♪
460
00:19:09,980 --> 00:19:13,762
♪♪ Gather up the mint and
the lemon balm and henbane ♪♪
461
00:19:13,847 --> 00:19:17,676
♪♪ Mistletoe and mandrake,
the poke and the nightshade ♪♪
462
00:19:17,761 --> 00:19:21,371
♪♪ Ah... ♪♪
463
00:19:21,498 --> 00:19:23,349
♪♪ Ah ♪♪
464
00:19:23,449 --> 00:19:27,816
♪♪ Ah... ♪♪
465
00:19:33,117 --> 00:19:36,875
♪♪ Gather up the mint and
the lemon balm and henbane ♪♪
466
00:19:36,960 --> 00:19:38,892
♪♪ The mistletoe and mandrake ♪♪
Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH
467
00:19:38,976 --> 00:19:41,537
♪♪ The poke and the nightshade. ♪♪
Sync corrections by srjanapala