1 00:00:01,147 --> 00:00:02,453 House meeting. 2 00:00:02,538 --> 00:00:05,125 House meeting, everyone. Hello? 3 00:00:05,266 --> 00:00:06,922 Ah, Nadja. Uh, the house meeting 4 00:00:07,007 --> 00:00:08,969 was supposed to start 15 minutes ago. 5 00:00:09,054 --> 00:00:10,391 - Where's Laszlo? - He is tending 6 00:00:10,476 --> 00:00:11,516 to his fruit trees. 7 00:00:11,601 --> 00:00:13,251 Okay, great. So maybe you want to fetch him, 8 00:00:13,335 --> 00:00:14,750 and we can begin the house meeting. 9 00:00:14,835 --> 00:00:16,571 No, I cannot go and "fetch" him. 10 00:00:16,656 --> 00:00:17,875 That is a job for Guillermo. 11 00:00:17,960 --> 00:00:20,032 Guillermo is on a break at the moment. 12 00:00:20,117 --> 00:00:21,297 Sorry, a what? 13 00:00:21,382 --> 00:00:23,422 From now on, Guillermo will receive 14 00:00:23,514 --> 00:00:25,210 one day off per week. 15 00:00:26,742 --> 00:00:29,382 Plus a 15-minute break every four hours. 16 00:00:29,631 --> 00:00:31,836 This is all my idea, of course, 17 00:00:31,921 --> 00:00:34,079 - not Guillermo's idea. - Guillermo, 18 00:00:34,164 --> 00:00:36,291 I give you permission to take a break from your breaking. 19 00:00:36,375 --> 00:00:38,790 Guillermo, you will do no such thing. You will not break... 20 00:00:38,874 --> 00:00:40,461 Starting to think my whole life is a big pile 21 00:00:40,545 --> 00:00:41,750 of bullshit. 22 00:00:41,835 --> 00:00:43,125 Sometimes this job seems like 23 00:00:43,210 --> 00:00:45,460 a really childish career choice. 24 00:00:45,750 --> 00:00:47,329 Like, what am I doing here? 25 00:00:47,421 --> 00:00:48,955 I don't know. Maybe it's time to grow up 26 00:00:49,039 --> 00:00:51,859 and get a real job with real people. 27 00:00:51,968 --> 00:00:53,312 Maybe I could start a business? 28 00:00:53,467 --> 00:00:55,180 I was using these Tide pens the other day 29 00:00:55,265 --> 00:00:56,901 to take off blood off my clothes. 30 00:00:57,046 --> 00:01:00,015 And I thought, I don't have to do this. I... 31 00:01:00,100 --> 00:01:02,018 I dumped all of this... 32 00:01:02,476 --> 00:01:05,054 into this to make this. 33 00:01:05,179 --> 00:01:06,310 Isn't that cool? 34 00:01:06,394 --> 00:01:08,102 It's a Heavy Duty Blood Remover. 35 00:01:08,194 --> 00:01:09,987 Been watching a lot of Shark Tank lately. 36 00:01:10,249 --> 00:01:12,852 The sky will be the limit. What do you say? 37 00:01:12,952 --> 00:01:15,433 - Can we make a deal today? - I am not fetching anyone! 38 00:01:15,860 --> 00:01:18,227 When I was a child, I loved juicy red apples. 39 00:01:19,062 --> 00:01:21,156 Now they just smell like shit and decay. 40 00:01:21,241 --> 00:01:23,695 So now what I basically do is cut them off the tree 41 00:01:23,780 --> 00:01:25,156 and throw them on the floor. 42 00:01:26,765 --> 00:01:28,897 Laszlo. 43 00:01:30,254 --> 00:01:31,371 Did you hear that? 44 00:01:31,456 --> 00:01:34,041 Laszlo Cravensworth. 45 00:01:34,288 --> 00:01:36,373 Who calls the Cravensworth? 46 00:01:36,577 --> 00:01:39,687 You have a lot of nerve disturbing me, 47 00:01:39,772 --> 00:01:41,757 in my garden, pruning. 48 00:01:42,569 --> 00:01:45,641 It would be best for everybody if you show yourself now. 49 00:01:47,942 --> 00:01:48,954 A goat. 50 00:01:49,039 --> 00:01:50,397 Bell ringing 51 00:01:50,482 --> 00:01:52,749 Your shepherd will be wondering where the hell you are. 52 00:01:52,841 --> 00:01:56,358 - Laszlo! House meeting time. - Yeah, I'll be there momentarily. 53 00:01:56,443 --> 00:01:57,914 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! 54 00:01:57,998 --> 00:02:00,232 What kind of goat sorcery is this? 55 00:02:00,326 --> 00:02:02,999 The ceremony awaits you. 56 00:02:03,084 --> 00:02:04,718 Help! Aah! 57 00:02:04,803 --> 00:02:06,882 Laszlo, the house meeting! 58 00:02:06,967 --> 00:02:08,951 Laszlo! 59 00:02:10,786 --> 00:02:12,838 "You're Dead" by Norma Tanega playing... 60 00:02:13,380 --> 00:02:16,163 ♪♪ Don't sing if you want to live long ♪♪ 61 00:02:16,248 --> 00:02:18,945 ♪♪ They have no use for your song ♪♪ 62 00:02:19,030 --> 00:02:21,897 ♪♪ You're dead, you're dead, you're dead ♪♪ 63 00:02:21,982 --> 00:02:24,787 ♪♪ You're dead and out of this world ♪♪ 64 00:02:25,738 --> 00:02:28,459 ♪♪ Now your hope and compassion is gone ♪♪ 65 00:02:28,553 --> 00:02:31,296 ♪♪ You sold out your dream to the world ♪♪ 66 00:02:31,381 --> 00:02:34,147 ♪♪ Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead ♪♪ 67 00:02:34,232 --> 00:02:36,515 ♪♪ You're dead and out of this world. ♪♪ 68 00:02:41,182 --> 00:02:43,182 *WHAT WE DO IN THE SHADOWS* Season 02 Episode 09 69 00:02:43,266 --> 00:02:45,469 Episode Title: "Witches" Aired on: June 03, 2020 70 00:02:45,764 --> 00:02:48,384 I can feel something terrible has happened. 71 00:02:48,469 --> 00:02:50,491 It's witches. They have taken him! 72 00:02:50,575 --> 00:02:52,969 I can feel it on the inside of my bones. 73 00:02:53,053 --> 00:02:54,149 Ah... 74 00:02:54,273 --> 00:02:57,453 I'm not saying that Nadja is hysterical, but 75 00:02:57,548 --> 00:03:00,985 she blames everything on witches. 76 00:03:02,352 --> 00:03:03,478 Witches are near. 77 00:03:03,563 --> 00:03:05,602 Like every little fucking thing. 78 00:03:07,024 --> 00:03:08,462 The witches have been toying 79 00:03:08,547 --> 00:03:10,009 with our rugs again. Please get some 80 00:03:10,094 --> 00:03:12,649 witch-proof carpet tape and tape that rug down. 81 00:03:13,219 --> 00:03:15,267 Witches! Aah! 82 00:03:15,352 --> 00:03:16,984 See? 83 00:03:17,492 --> 00:03:19,040 Witch dust. Ugh! 84 00:03:19,125 --> 00:03:21,719 - Or dirt. - It's not... not witch dust. 85 00:03:21,804 --> 00:03:22,899 Oh, it stinks. 86 00:03:22,984 --> 00:03:23,993 Nobody breathe it in. 87 00:03:24,078 --> 00:03:25,681 It's how they seize control of your mind. 88 00:03:25,766 --> 00:03:27,868 We're going to have to burn the garden. 89 00:03:27,953 --> 00:03:30,462 - We have to do something! - I think perhaps the best place 90 00:03:30,547 --> 00:03:32,353 to start is to look around here. 91 00:03:32,438 --> 00:03:33,837 - Let's do that. - Excuse me. 92 00:03:33,922 --> 00:03:35,986 Guillermo, you will join us, too. 93 00:03:36,071 --> 00:03:38,711 Nah, that's not in my job description. 94 00:03:38,796 --> 00:03:40,093 Laszlo? 95 00:03:40,177 --> 00:03:41,953 Did you fall down a hole again? 96 00:03:42,060 --> 00:03:43,828 Nandor. 97 00:03:43,946 --> 00:03:46,728 - Did somebody call my name? - No, no, shit, Nandor, don't! 98 00:03:46,813 --> 00:03:48,892 Hey, there's a goat over here. 99 00:03:48,977 --> 00:03:52,204 - Hello, Mr. Goat. - Nandor, it's... No, don't! 100 00:03:52,289 --> 00:03:54,024 You're very handsome, aren't you? 101 00:03:54,171 --> 00:03:55,437 Have we met before? 102 00:03:55,521 --> 00:03:59,523 - The ceremony awaits you. - Hey. Wait. Hey! 103 00:03:59,607 --> 00:04:00,634 Whoa! 104 00:04:00,718 --> 00:04:02,086 Shit, shit, shit. 105 00:04:02,171 --> 00:04:04,836 - Okay. I'll get the keys. - Yes, you bloody will. 106 00:04:04,921 --> 00:04:07,625 I'll be damned. Witches. 107 00:04:07,710 --> 00:04:09,038 Colin, hurry! 108 00:04:12,272 --> 00:04:13,913 Can you not make 109 00:04:13,997 --> 00:04:15,211 this carriage move faster? 110 00:04:15,296 --> 00:04:16,978 You're moving slower than when my yaya tried 111 00:04:17,062 --> 00:04:18,680 to ride a snail to the next village. 112 00:04:18,765 --> 00:04:20,220 If you wanted to go faster, why didn't you fly? 113 00:04:20,304 --> 00:04:21,516 Ooh, it's too dangerous. 114 00:04:21,601 --> 00:04:23,594 Look how quickly and disgustingly they move. 115 00:04:23,679 --> 00:04:24,835 They're really hauling ass. 116 00:04:24,920 --> 00:04:26,679 Oh, Gizmo, they're getting ready to land. 117 00:04:26,763 --> 00:04:27,921 Ooh! 118 00:04:28,006 --> 00:04:29,438 - Ooh. - Oh. 119 00:04:29,523 --> 00:04:31,477 Well, luckily, that was just Nandor. 120 00:04:31,562 --> 00:04:34,184 - Oh! They're moving toward the right! - Hey! Take the next exit! 121 00:04:34,269 --> 00:04:35,857 No! 122 00:04:36,894 --> 00:04:38,959 Let go of the wheel! Your driving's gonna kill us! 123 00:04:43,701 --> 00:04:45,302 Stop the machine, make it stop. 124 00:04:45,567 --> 00:04:46,858 Yes. They are near. 125 00:04:46,943 --> 00:04:49,037 The smell of beef and sulfur is overwhelming. 126 00:04:49,122 --> 00:04:51,817 - That's just Brooklyn. - Yes. It's over there. 127 00:04:51,911 --> 00:04:55,123 Do you want me to go in for a quick snoop and poop? 128 00:04:55,208 --> 00:04:57,224 No. You cannot go. They will sense you. 129 00:04:57,309 --> 00:05:00,795 No, we need a mortal. A human. A common schlub. 130 00:05:00,880 --> 00:05:03,443 A nobody. Someone who's personality is like a eunuch's. 131 00:05:03,528 --> 00:05:04,638 - You know? - Okay, I'm gonna go. 132 00:05:04,722 --> 00:05:05,920 I'll go. All right? I'll go. 133 00:05:06,005 --> 00:05:07,390 Oh, really, Guillermo, I would never have... - Right, I'll do it. 134 00:05:07,474 --> 00:05:08,865 No. I'll go. - Thank you, Guillermo. - I just... 135 00:05:08,949 --> 00:05:10,747 Don't worry. 136 00:05:10,832 --> 00:05:12,599 I have to do everything myself. 137 00:05:12,731 --> 00:05:15,606 You guys stay back, okay? Just stay back here. 138 00:05:18,809 --> 00:05:20,355 Anything I can help you find? 139 00:05:20,510 --> 00:05:22,770 No. No, I'm just... 140 00:05:23,112 --> 00:05:25,684 taking a look at, um... 141 00:05:26,512 --> 00:05:28,036 Is this... is this the only room, 142 00:05:28,121 --> 00:05:31,102 or is there another room with other stuff, or...? 143 00:05:31,187 --> 00:05:32,738 You're looking for something specific? 144 00:05:32,822 --> 00:05:33,888 Any allergies? 145 00:05:33,973 --> 00:05:36,040 No. I mean, my nose is stuffy, but I don't know 146 00:05:36,125 --> 00:05:37,410 if it's because of a food allergy 147 00:05:37,494 --> 00:05:39,303 - or a seasonal allergy, or... - Mm-hmm. 148 00:05:39,388 --> 00:05:41,380 Oh, no, you don't have to do that. No, thank you. 149 00:05:41,464 --> 00:05:43,028 No. No. I'm not good at... 150 00:05:43,192 --> 00:05:45,685 - Mmm... - Oh, that feels good. 151 00:05:45,770 --> 00:05:48,435 Oh, I think she's trying to squeeze Gizmo's eyeballs out. 152 00:05:48,520 --> 00:05:51,557 The consensus on Instagram is that we underestimate 153 00:05:51,641 --> 00:05:53,359 the importance of self-care. 154 00:05:53,443 --> 00:05:54,860 Hang on. 155 00:05:55,400 --> 00:05:57,451 Oh, shit. 156 00:05:57,536 --> 00:06:00,239 - Oh! - Fuck. 157 00:06:01,427 --> 00:06:04,602 Do you have anything for Rosacea? 158 00:06:04,702 --> 00:06:08,138 I think I have a little flare-up on my chin. 159 00:06:08,231 --> 00:06:09,942 Come with me. Bring the cameras. 160 00:06:10,027 --> 00:06:11,872 - There's no... - This way. 161 00:06:20,155 --> 00:06:21,974 Fire. 162 00:06:22,059 --> 00:06:24,576 I say, ladies, perhaps we could come 163 00:06:24,661 --> 00:06:26,053 to some kind of arrangement? 164 00:06:26,138 --> 00:06:29,278 I mean, you don't need the two of us, surely. No? 165 00:06:29,778 --> 00:06:31,809 Psst, guys. 166 00:06:32,419 --> 00:06:33,817 A little help? 167 00:06:34,537 --> 00:06:37,209 - Intruders! Intruders! - Sorry, guys. 168 00:06:37,294 --> 00:06:40,810 Fret not, my sisters. 169 00:06:40,895 --> 00:06:42,497 Let 'em in. 170 00:06:45,653 --> 00:06:49,084 Let the ceremony be documented 171 00:06:49,169 --> 00:06:51,216 for the ages. 172 00:06:53,739 --> 00:06:54,826 Idiot. 173 00:06:54,982 --> 00:06:56,410 This is kind of exciting. 174 00:06:56,502 --> 00:06:58,253 Little dark in here, huh? 175 00:06:58,338 --> 00:06:59,671 You will remain here with the others 176 00:06:59,755 --> 00:07:01,201 until the ceremony is complete. 177 00:07:01,286 --> 00:07:02,854 What cer...? Others, what? 178 00:07:08,489 --> 00:07:09,592 Wait! 179 00:07:09,677 --> 00:07:10,796 Guillermo, get the lights. 180 00:07:10,880 --> 00:07:12,624 - I'm looking for it. - It's over there. 181 00:07:12,708 --> 00:07:14,162 - Over where? - Now he's getting 182 00:07:14,246 --> 00:07:16,435 breaks all the time, so he doesn't want to turn the lights on! 183 00:07:16,519 --> 00:07:17,363 I'm looking... 184 00:07:17,448 --> 00:07:19,904 - This talking back! - I'm looking for it! 185 00:07:19,989 --> 00:07:21,193 Turn on the damn light! 186 00:07:21,278 --> 00:07:22,890 Fuck you guys. 187 00:07:22,974 --> 00:07:24,239 Aha! 188 00:07:25,034 --> 00:07:27,575 Oh, what is this place? 189 00:07:28,880 --> 00:07:31,802 Uh, some sort of storage room, perhaps. 190 00:07:39,302 --> 00:07:40,850 Not a storage room. 191 00:07:41,898 --> 00:07:43,816 Places, everyone. 192 00:07:46,380 --> 00:07:47,763 Everything is secure? 193 00:07:47,855 --> 00:07:49,056 Yes. 194 00:07:51,770 --> 00:07:53,224 Witches! 195 00:07:53,309 --> 00:07:55,989 Hear me now and take note. 196 00:07:56,349 --> 00:07:59,802 Release us, and you will be shown mercy. 197 00:08:00,177 --> 00:08:03,722 But... any further hesitation will ensure 198 00:08:03,806 --> 00:08:07,809 your complete and utter destruction! 199 00:08:13,532 --> 00:08:16,161 - That'll do. - Well done, Nandor. 200 00:08:16,294 --> 00:08:17,631 You've certainly frightened them. 201 00:08:17,716 --> 00:08:20,317 Now let us begin. 202 00:08:21,781 --> 00:08:23,420 Start the music. 203 00:08:23,809 --> 00:08:25,006 ♪♪ I see you, little mama ♪♪ 204 00:08:25,091 --> 00:08:25,944 - ♪♪ Doin' your thang ♪♪ - No. 205 00:08:26,028 --> 00:08:28,303 ♪♪ But you would look much better underneath my w... ♪♪ 206 00:08:28,388 --> 00:08:29,639 Wrong playlist. 207 00:08:29,724 --> 00:08:31,584 That's for the hip-hop kundalini class we offer 208 00:08:31,669 --> 00:08:32,904 Tuesday, Thursday evenings. 209 00:08:32,989 --> 00:08:35,630 - Sorry. - It's all right, Tessa. 210 00:08:35,715 --> 00:08:37,088 Start the music. 211 00:08:42,403 --> 00:08:43,261 What the hell are those? 212 00:08:43,346 --> 00:08:45,303 I don't know... 213 00:08:45,388 --> 00:08:46,951 I think this is the end. 214 00:08:47,036 --> 00:08:49,368 Don't breathe it in. It's some kind of... 215 00:08:49,452 --> 00:08:51,404 - Hey... - Hello. 216 00:08:51,488 --> 00:08:53,372 I must say, I-I'm not sure 217 00:08:53,456 --> 00:08:55,224 I fully disapprove of this abduction. 218 00:08:55,309 --> 00:08:58,841 - Relaxing, really. - Some might say erotic. 219 00:08:59,105 --> 00:09:01,709 I don't know about y-you, old chap, but 220 00:09:01,794 --> 00:09:04,458 - I have a raging hard-on. - Yes. 221 00:09:05,575 --> 00:09:08,587 These witches are sly, but so am I. 222 00:09:08,671 --> 00:09:10,388 I think I have 'em figured out. 223 00:09:10,473 --> 00:09:13,426 Door on the floor... we ain't here no more. 224 00:09:13,559 --> 00:09:17,095 Aah! Help! 225 00:09:20,067 --> 00:09:21,451 That does that thing. 226 00:09:24,247 --> 00:09:27,217 Oh, hello. We were wondering 227 00:09:27,302 --> 00:09:28,396 if, um... 228 00:09:31,961 --> 00:09:33,403 Ma'am. 229 00:09:35,632 --> 00:09:37,168 - This way. - Ah. 230 00:09:37,834 --> 00:09:39,701 - Later, suckers. - And so when I saw that, 231 00:09:39,786 --> 00:09:42,114 I knew it was the right door. 232 00:09:44,630 --> 00:09:47,537 - Puta madre. - How many door rooms do they have? 233 00:09:47,622 --> 00:09:50,888 It's the same one, Professor Pig Dick! 234 00:09:51,662 --> 00:09:53,732 I've done a lot of escape rooms, 235 00:09:53,817 --> 00:09:55,874 but I'm usually the one in the group that is asking about 236 00:09:55,958 --> 00:09:59,155 where we're gonna go for dinner afterwards 237 00:09:59,240 --> 00:10:01,420 and how we'll split up the bill. 238 00:10:01,505 --> 00:10:02,881 Don't open that, Nadja. 239 00:10:06,054 --> 00:10:07,865 I hate this place! 240 00:10:07,950 --> 00:10:11,723 Laszlo, my love, I am coming for you. Be strong. 241 00:10:11,833 --> 00:10:14,068 - I'm coming! - Not now! Um... 242 00:10:14,161 --> 00:10:17,615 I mean, um, uh, in your own time, my darling. 243 00:10:17,700 --> 00:10:19,576 - No immediate hurry. - 'Tis time 244 00:10:19,661 --> 00:10:21,826 - to begin the extraction. - The what, now? 245 00:10:21,911 --> 00:10:23,662 - Removal of your semen. - Oh, yes. 246 00:10:23,747 --> 00:10:26,403 Well, I'm quite keen on that idea, let that be known. 247 00:10:26,558 --> 00:10:28,748 Now, the process 248 00:10:28,841 --> 00:10:29,841 will be quick... 249 00:10:30,052 --> 00:10:31,754 Well, that's slightly insulting but probably true. 250 00:10:31,838 --> 00:10:33,756 Though I can go again. 251 00:10:33,841 --> 00:10:37,069 ...though, I'm afraid, not entirely painless. 252 00:10:37,154 --> 00:10:39,615 - Ah. - Tess? Quinn? 253 00:10:39,700 --> 00:10:41,553 Ooh, look out. Marital aids? 254 00:10:41,638 --> 00:10:44,251 No. 18th century surgical tools. 255 00:10:45,666 --> 00:10:47,116 - Ew. - Shit. 256 00:10:47,201 --> 00:10:49,913 Fast as you can, my dear! Like, now! 257 00:10:49,998 --> 00:10:54,111 They are fully engorged. 258 00:10:54,287 --> 00:10:55,748 True. 259 00:10:56,161 --> 00:10:59,513 Let us revert to our true form. 260 00:11:04,296 --> 00:11:05,647 MILFs. 261 00:11:05,732 --> 00:11:07,850 - Even better. - It's a contrast 262 00:11:07,935 --> 00:11:10,552 but something I wouldn't say no to. 263 00:11:10,638 --> 00:11:14,431 I'll prepare the cauldron. Bring me the fluid when the bowls 264 00:11:14,516 --> 00:11:17,631 - are filled to the brim. - What are you doing with those? 265 00:11:17,716 --> 00:11:19,139 - No, no, no, no, no, no, no. - Hi. 266 00:11:19,224 --> 00:11:21,234 I- I don't think that bowl's going to be big enough. 267 00:11:21,318 --> 00:11:22,849 - Nadja! - Don't think it's going to fit in there. 268 00:11:22,933 --> 00:11:24,473 You really need to get here! 269 00:11:24,558 --> 00:11:27,706 Ah. Looks like Epicurus, 270 00:11:27,791 --> 00:11:31,210 the Greek philosopher and father of hedonism. 271 00:11:31,456 --> 00:11:33,988 Pleasure is the absence of suffering. 272 00:11:34,127 --> 00:11:36,620 The Greek word for pleasure is... 273 00:11:37,111 --> 00:11:38,296 Found it. 274 00:11:38,381 --> 00:11:39,581 Ready? 275 00:11:39,898 --> 00:11:41,787 Well, h-h-how'd you find that? 276 00:11:41,872 --> 00:11:43,159 "Salida." 277 00:11:43,267 --> 00:11:44,885 - "Exit." - It's in Spanish. I know. 278 00:11:44,970 --> 00:11:47,050 - I know that, too. - I... I've discovered it. 279 00:11:47,135 --> 00:11:49,824 - I would've thought of it. - Guillermo. 280 00:11:49,909 --> 00:11:51,628 I told you I'd get us out of here. 281 00:11:51,966 --> 00:11:54,965 - It's for wine, isn't it? - No, no, no, no, no. 282 00:11:55,050 --> 00:11:56,502 - We just met. - Where are you going with that? 283 00:11:56,586 --> 00:11:58,699 Put those tiny swords down this instant, 284 00:11:58,784 --> 00:12:00,878 or you'll be removing them from your crusty old tits 285 00:12:00,963 --> 00:12:02,222 and dry, old asses. 286 00:12:02,307 --> 00:12:04,691 Ooh, my darling, am I pleased to see you. 287 00:12:04,776 --> 00:12:06,544 How did you escape from our secret room? 288 00:12:06,629 --> 00:12:08,167 That would be me, ma'am. Thank you. 289 00:12:08,252 --> 00:12:10,722 I put together all your clues. 290 00:12:10,816 --> 00:12:12,417 - Figured it out. - Actually, it was me. 291 00:12:12,502 --> 00:12:13,887 I'm the one who saw... It's in Spanish. 292 00:12:13,971 --> 00:12:16,675 Well, yo soy a bit of a puzzle head. 293 00:12:16,760 --> 00:12:18,177 You're a man of great intelligence. 294 00:12:18,262 --> 00:12:21,446 Yes, Mensa has been trying to get me to join. 295 00:12:21,531 --> 00:12:24,484 You've proven that you are also worthy of semen extraction. 296 00:12:24,613 --> 00:12:27,632 Oh, thank you. I'd like to tell you you'd be the first 297 00:12:27,717 --> 00:12:29,355 to ever say that to me, but you're not. 298 00:12:29,440 --> 00:12:30,598 Not with those, though. 299 00:12:30,682 --> 00:12:32,900 Yeah, that's your guy right there. 300 00:12:32,985 --> 00:12:34,363 No hablo inglés. 301 00:12:34,745 --> 00:12:36,347 Real nice job, Colin Robinson. 302 00:12:36,459 --> 00:12:38,577 Well, I know we're all having the laugh of our lives, 303 00:12:38,661 --> 00:12:40,792 but sadly all parties must come to an end. 304 00:12:40,877 --> 00:12:42,667 Guillermo, untie them. 305 00:12:42,752 --> 00:12:44,113 Can't you see you're outnumbered? 306 00:12:44,198 --> 00:12:46,983 What are you gonna do... Moisturize us to death? 307 00:12:47,076 --> 00:12:49,589 - No. - - Enough. 308 00:12:51,791 --> 00:12:54,525 Oh, Lilith, I should have known this was you. 309 00:12:54,610 --> 00:12:56,800 Your stinky old stank was all over it. 310 00:12:56,885 --> 00:12:59,808 Lilith is a witch I befriended many, many years ago. 311 00:12:59,893 --> 00:13:01,344 She used to run a shop that sold 312 00:13:01,429 --> 00:13:03,013 all the newest mixtures of makeups 313 00:13:03,098 --> 00:13:04,821 and ladies' clothings and shirtings 314 00:13:04,906 --> 00:13:06,433 and suitings and shoesings. 315 00:13:06,518 --> 00:13:07,768 It was all a front, of course. 316 00:13:07,853 --> 00:13:10,347 It was a way to distribute the very best of semens 317 00:13:10,432 --> 00:13:11,824 to any witch who needed it. 318 00:13:11,909 --> 00:13:14,058 Naturally, we hit it off straightaway. 319 00:13:14,186 --> 00:13:15,988 Very fast friends. 320 00:13:16,073 --> 00:13:18,745 That was, until she did something so evil, 321 00:13:18,830 --> 00:13:22,152 so despicable, so unforgivable that we are now 322 00:13:22,237 --> 00:13:24,074 sworn enemies for the rest of time. 323 00:13:26,302 --> 00:13:28,453 Five spits for an enemy, Lilith. 324 00:13:28,538 --> 00:13:31,525 - You look so different to how I remember you. - Oh, yes. 325 00:13:31,610 --> 00:13:35,222 I appear to you now as my natural, aged self. 326 00:13:35,307 --> 00:13:36,840 With every passing moment, 327 00:13:36,925 --> 00:13:39,605 our anti-aging spells lose their potency. 328 00:13:39,690 --> 00:13:42,075 Well, over my undead body will your crispy hands 329 00:13:42,160 --> 00:13:45,112 get anywhere near my husband's sperms again. 330 00:13:45,197 --> 00:13:47,683 - "Again"? - Hmm? - Yeah. 331 00:13:47,768 --> 00:13:49,072 Thing is, 332 00:13:49,157 --> 00:13:52,944 I had a bit of a knee trembler with Lilith some time ago, 333 00:13:53,029 --> 00:13:55,610 and Nadja found out and put me on her shit list. 334 00:13:55,695 --> 00:13:56,845 Okay... She tricked me 335 00:13:56,930 --> 00:13:58,152 with her witchcraft. 336 00:13:58,237 --> 00:14:00,973 Oh, she tricked you, did she? Come on, Laszlo! 337 00:14:02,712 --> 00:14:04,801 He does not lie. 338 00:14:04,886 --> 00:14:06,499 I didn't come to him in the form you see me now. 339 00:14:06,583 --> 00:14:09,105 I took a form that I knew 340 00:14:09,190 --> 00:14:12,027 he could never resist. 341 00:14:12,210 --> 00:14:14,644 You. 342 00:14:14,923 --> 00:14:17,113 In bed, she made herself look just like you. 343 00:14:17,198 --> 00:14:19,717 It's true. Watch me now. Watch me. 344 00:14:19,802 --> 00:14:21,980 Watch as I transform 345 00:14:22,065 --> 00:14:24,184 to look exactly 346 00:14:24,269 --> 00:14:27,925 like... you! 347 00:14:28,071 --> 00:14:29,907 Voilà. 348 00:14:30,872 --> 00:14:32,675 Is that what you think I look like? 349 00:14:33,065 --> 00:14:35,214 From here, I-I can't tell the difference. 350 00:14:35,299 --> 00:14:37,417 You both look exactly the same. 351 00:14:37,502 --> 00:14:39,621 It's a completely different woman. 352 00:14:39,706 --> 00:14:41,057 Sorry, you'll have to raise your hand. 353 00:14:41,141 --> 00:14:42,659 Otherwise, I don't know who's talking. 354 00:14:42,744 --> 00:14:45,062 - Speak for me. - Speak for me. 355 00:14:45,455 --> 00:14:46,909 - She... - The same. 356 00:14:46,994 --> 00:14:49,417 She's just doing a generic European accent! 357 00:14:49,502 --> 00:14:51,820 "Generic European accent." 358 00:14:51,905 --> 00:14:54,156 - Pretty close, my love. - Colin Robinson? 359 00:14:54,241 --> 00:14:55,738 - Um... - Nandor? 360 00:14:55,823 --> 00:14:56,808 Uh... 361 00:14:56,893 --> 00:14:58,723 Look at us standing together now. It's-it's me, 362 00:14:58,807 --> 00:14:59,857 and it's another woman. 363 00:14:59,942 --> 00:15:01,956 How many more women have you slept with 364 00:15:02,041 --> 00:15:04,097 that just have long dark hair? 365 00:15:04,447 --> 00:15:06,956 She's got long dark hair. Have you slept with her? 366 00:15:07,896 --> 00:15:09,464 Hello, Judith. 367 00:15:11,176 --> 00:15:13,456 Nandor's got long dark hair and an accent. 368 00:15:13,541 --> 00:15:15,142 Have you slept with him? 369 00:15:17,246 --> 00:15:20,041 I can't believe... 370 00:15:20,183 --> 00:15:21,949 Right... 371 00:15:22,034 --> 00:15:23,784 You're welcome to his semens. 372 00:15:23,869 --> 00:15:25,761 - I'm going home. - Silence! 373 00:15:25,910 --> 00:15:28,128 No one is going anywhere now. 374 00:15:28,222 --> 00:15:30,910 With the combined semen 375 00:15:31,003 --> 00:15:35,237 of these two vampires... 376 00:15:36,261 --> 00:15:37,371 What's your name? 377 00:15:37,456 --> 00:15:38,989 C- Colin Robinson, Miss. 378 00:15:39,074 --> 00:15:41,981 With Colin Robinson's 379 00:15:42,066 --> 00:15:43,678 semen, too, 380 00:15:43,762 --> 00:15:48,481 we can maintain our youthful appearances 381 00:15:48,566 --> 00:15:51,712 for an even 382 00:15:51,804 --> 00:15:55,290 longer amount of time than before. 383 00:15:55,374 --> 00:15:56,658 - Ah. - Yes, yes, yes. 384 00:15:56,742 --> 00:15:58,660 - Well done. Well done. - Thank you. 385 00:15:58,744 --> 00:16:00,729 Also, we use it to make magnets. 386 00:16:00,949 --> 00:16:04,714 Witches. May I ask you a quick question? 387 00:16:04,830 --> 00:16:08,879 What would you say if I told you that I could provide you 388 00:16:08,964 --> 00:16:11,550 with all the vampire semen and more 389 00:16:11,667 --> 00:16:14,309 that your little black hearts desire? 390 00:16:14,393 --> 00:16:16,534 Hmm, go on. 391 00:16:16,791 --> 00:16:20,434 Sure, you can leave today with a one-time extraction 392 00:16:20,519 --> 00:16:23,582 - from these two well-endowed... - Three. 393 00:16:23,667 --> 00:16:25,558 - Hmm? - Three well-endowed... 394 00:16:25,644 --> 00:16:26,942 - Okay. - Go on. 395 00:16:27,027 --> 00:16:29,418 These three gentlemen. 396 00:16:29,549 --> 00:16:31,877 But what happens when that semen is gone? 397 00:16:31,964 --> 00:16:34,696 You're out on the prowl hunting for more. 398 00:16:34,780 --> 00:16:36,058 Yeah, it's true. 399 00:16:36,143 --> 00:16:38,965 The search for prospective donors is a constant headache. 400 00:16:39,050 --> 00:16:40,160 Also, 401 00:16:40,245 --> 00:16:41,603 last time things... 402 00:16:42,432 --> 00:16:43,980 totally went off the rails. 403 00:16:44,131 --> 00:16:45,881 Exactly. 404 00:16:45,966 --> 00:16:48,871 So what would you say if I could provide you 405 00:16:48,956 --> 00:16:52,147 an unlimited supply of semen? Yeah. 406 00:16:52,316 --> 00:16:55,120 I basically offered them a deal where, if I could get 407 00:16:55,205 --> 00:16:57,511 Nandor and Laszlo's... 408 00:16:58,363 --> 00:17:00,448 seed, willingly, 409 00:17:00,533 --> 00:17:02,290 then in return, I would get three percent 410 00:17:02,375 --> 00:17:03,331 of the net profit. 411 00:17:03,416 --> 00:17:06,135 I call this Memo's Man Milk. 412 00:17:06,220 --> 00:17:07,404 Love it. 413 00:17:07,489 --> 00:17:08,829 Memo's short for Guillermo. 414 00:17:08,914 --> 00:17:11,328 No more kidnappings or surgical 415 00:17:11,413 --> 00:17:13,599 extractions, and it's not like there's 416 00:17:13,684 --> 00:17:15,898 not enough to go around. That stuff is everywhere. 417 00:17:16,007 --> 00:17:18,536 I also included Colin Robinson in the deal, 418 00:17:18,621 --> 00:17:21,316 which they replied and said "No." 419 00:17:22,027 --> 00:17:23,778 Yeah, I've always been good at puzzles. 420 00:17:23,862 --> 00:17:26,552 At the 1992 World Puzzle Championship, 421 00:17:26,637 --> 00:17:29,755 I told New York Times puzzle master Will Shortz 422 00:17:29,840 --> 00:17:30,825 to "eat my shorts." 423 00:17:30,910 --> 00:17:32,161 What the hell? 424 00:17:32,246 --> 00:17:33,614 Who the hell has done all this? 425 00:17:33,698 --> 00:17:34,544 What the...? 426 00:17:34,629 --> 00:17:36,434 My pillows. 427 00:17:37,248 --> 00:17:39,093 What is that sound? 428 00:17:39,178 --> 00:17:41,833 I think it's coming from down the hall. 429 00:17:41,918 --> 00:17:43,715 - Oh. - It's the bloody goat. 430 00:17:43,918 --> 00:17:45,894 Wait. Does he live here now? 431 00:17:45,979 --> 00:17:48,036 - Oh, no! - Did you do this? 432 00:17:48,121 --> 00:17:49,504 Get out of here! 433 00:17:49,588 --> 00:17:52,786 - Oh, no! - Begone! - Shoo! Naughty goat. 434 00:17:52,871 --> 00:17:55,038 I know where you live, asshole. 435 00:18:00,230 --> 00:18:02,215 - What are you up to? - Oh, nothing much. 436 00:18:02,300 --> 00:18:03,230 You? 437 00:18:03,315 --> 00:18:05,113 Relegated to the coffin in the basement. 438 00:18:05,198 --> 00:18:07,207 Ah. Tough break. 439 00:18:07,324 --> 00:18:09,124 - You still, uh... - Terribly. 440 00:18:09,480 --> 00:18:11,777 - You? - Full blazes. 441 00:18:15,147 --> 00:18:16,544 Look, I was thinking that... 442 00:18:16,629 --> 00:18:18,988 That we should finish each other off and tell no one? 443 00:18:19,269 --> 00:18:21,168 Well, I'm game if you are. 444 00:18:26,643 --> 00:18:28,589 I saved the day when no one else could. 445 00:18:28,681 --> 00:18:30,925 - Knock, knock. - Oh, hey there. 446 00:18:31,018 --> 00:18:34,144 But I will always be "just a familiar" to them. 447 00:18:34,293 --> 00:18:37,285 I'm just another schlub driving around Brooklyn 448 00:18:37,371 --> 00:18:39,224 with a bunch of jars full of semen. 449 00:18:39,309 --> 00:18:42,395 - Another delivery? - Yeah. How about you? 450 00:18:42,480 --> 00:18:44,161 - Guard duty. - Cool, cool. 451 00:18:44,246 --> 00:18:46,286 It isn't easy for guys like us. 452 00:18:46,371 --> 00:18:48,348 Well, technically, you're not a guy, so... 453 00:18:48,488 --> 00:18:52,201 I mean, just hanging around for years doing all the shit work. 454 00:18:52,574 --> 00:18:55,404 Sometimes I wonder if they'll ever make me a witch. 455 00:18:55,550 --> 00:18:56,972 Yeah. 456 00:18:57,290 --> 00:18:59,177 Anyways, I got to go, Black Peter, okay? 457 00:18:59,262 --> 00:19:00,832 - I'll see you later. - Later. 458 00:19:02,222 --> 00:19:05,514 ♪♪ Gather up the dill and the thyme and the walnuts ♪♪ 459 00:19:05,598 --> 00:19:09,895 ♪♪ The fennel and the sage and the garlic and the foxgloves ♪♪ 460 00:19:09,980 --> 00:19:13,762 ♪♪ Gather up the mint and the lemon balm and henbane ♪♪ 461 00:19:13,847 --> 00:19:17,676 ♪♪ Mistletoe and mandrake, the poke and the nightshade ♪♪ 462 00:19:17,761 --> 00:19:21,371 ♪♪ Ah... ♪♪ 463 00:19:21,498 --> 00:19:23,349 ♪♪ Ah ♪♪ 464 00:19:23,449 --> 00:19:27,816 ♪♪ Ah... ♪♪ 465 00:19:33,117 --> 00:19:36,875 ♪♪ Gather up the mint and the lemon balm and henbane ♪♪ 466 00:19:36,960 --> 00:19:38,892 ♪♪ The mistletoe and mandrake ♪♪ Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH 467 00:19:38,976 --> 00:19:41,537 ♪♪ The poke and the nightshade. ♪♪ Sync corrections by srjanapala