1 00:00:07,352 --> 00:00:09,906 I say, I was just thinking-- 2 00:00:09,906 --> 00:00:13,703 "I'’ll alert the media." Dudley Moore. Arthur. 1981. 3 00:00:13,703 --> 00:00:16,085 - Shut the fuck up, Colin Robinson. - Thank you, my darling. 4 00:00:16,085 --> 00:00:19,295 I was just thinking, now that Gizmo is no longer with us, 5 00:00:19,295 --> 00:00:22,850 perhaps we could repurpose that space under the stairs that he used to live in. 6 00:00:22,850 --> 00:00:24,369 - So mean! - What? 7 00:00:24,369 --> 00:00:25,991 You know that it gives Nandor the pip 8 00:00:25,991 --> 00:00:28,787 when he hears about his old bouncing little buddy. 9 00:00:28,787 --> 00:00:30,961 I don'’t even know what you guys are talking about. 10 00:00:30,961 --> 00:00:33,033 - Guillermo. - Who? 11 00:00:33,033 --> 00:00:36,657 The servant boy who used to live in the rathole under the stairs. 12 00:00:36,657 --> 00:00:41,800 I remember it was the perfect place for me to store my precious volumes. 13 00:00:41,800 --> 00:00:45,907 I think you will find, Laszlo, that before Guillermo lived here, 14 00:00:45,907 --> 00:00:48,876 I would use that space for my "calistheneticals." 15 00:00:48,876 --> 00:00:52,742 No, I think you'’ll find I grabbed that space as soon as we moved in. 16 00:00:52,742 --> 00:00:54,330 - [groans] - Do you know who would remember? 17 00:00:54,330 --> 00:00:55,262 Who? 18 00:00:55,262 --> 00:00:57,678 - Jerry. [chuckles] - Yes. 19 00:00:57,678 --> 00:00:59,507 - Jerry. Yeah. - Jerry. 20 00:00:59,507 --> 00:01:00,888 - [Laszlo] Yes. - Good old Jerry. 21 00:01:00,888 --> 00:01:02,924 - Jerry would remember everything. - Yes. 22 00:01:02,924 --> 00:01:04,064 Sorry. Who'’s Jerry? 23 00:01:07,274 --> 00:01:10,829 Jerry was our fifth roommate back in the old days. 24 00:01:10,829 --> 00:01:13,625 Jerry'’s a good guy. Solid vampire. 25 00:01:13,625 --> 00:01:15,385 [Nadja] Jerry was a real leader. 26 00:01:15,385 --> 00:01:16,869 - A man with a plan. - [Laszlo] Yep. 27 00:01:16,869 --> 00:01:20,666 Or rather, a vampire with a plan-pire. 28 00:01:20,666 --> 00:01:23,704 I mean, the man is all vampire, no bullshit. 29 00:01:23,704 --> 00:01:26,086 Even his name: "Jerry the Vampire." 30 00:01:26,086 --> 00:01:29,606 No frills, no chills. No "Blah, blah, blah the Relentless" 31 00:01:29,606 --> 00:01:31,539 or "Vlad the Whatever." 32 00:01:31,539 --> 00:01:36,130 "Jerry the Vampire." Bam! Thank you, mister. 33 00:01:36,130 --> 00:01:39,789 Jerry and I used to have these really long talks, 34 00:01:39,789 --> 00:01:41,791 and he'’d actually listen to me. 35 00:01:41,791 --> 00:01:45,553 He might have been the only person in this house that actually liked me. 36 00:01:45,553 --> 00:01:47,037 That'’s true. 37 00:01:47,037 --> 00:01:49,281 - Jerry the Vampire. We hardly knew ye. - Jerry. 38 00:01:49,281 --> 00:01:51,145 Whatever happened to Jerry? 39 00:01:51,145 --> 00:01:52,112 [chuckles] 40 00:01:55,425 --> 00:01:56,978 - Oh, my goodness. - Bollocks. 41 00:01:56,978 --> 00:01:58,946 - [Nandor] Shit. Shit. Fuck. - [Colin] What? 42 00:01:58,946 --> 00:02:00,120 [Nandor] I hope Jerry is okay. 43 00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:01,983 [Nadja] This is a real mess-up! 44 00:02:01,983 --> 00:02:06,402 Sometimes a vampire will decide to go into a super slumber. 45 00:02:06,402 --> 00:02:10,440 [Nadja] Where they will stay sleeping for decades and decades. 46 00:02:10,440 --> 00:02:14,064 - Awakening only when their f-- - Their fellow vampires wake them up. 47 00:02:14,064 --> 00:02:19,829 We, um, forgot to wake Jerry up from his super slumber. Oops. 48 00:02:21,244 --> 00:02:23,764 Which is an easy thing to forget 49 00:02:23,764 --> 00:02:26,146 because we had a lot going on. 50 00:02:26,146 --> 00:02:28,493 We did. So much. 51 00:02:28,493 --> 00:02:33,774 And also, because Jerry had requested to be woken up on New Year'’s Eve. 52 00:02:33,774 --> 00:02:36,294 New Year'’s Eve, 1996. 53 00:02:36,294 --> 00:02:37,640 Right. 54 00:02:38,330 --> 00:02:39,814 This one'’s on us. 55 00:02:39,814 --> 00:02:43,163 ["You'’re Dead" playing] 56 00:02:43,163 --> 00:02:45,751 ♪ Don'’t sing If you want to live long ♪ 57 00:02:45,751 --> 00:02:48,823 ♪ They have no use For your song ♪ 58 00:02:48,823 --> 00:02:51,309 ♪ You'’re dead You'’re dead, you're dead ♪ 59 00:02:51,309 --> 00:02:53,276 ♪ You'’re dead And out of this world ♪ 60 00:02:55,244 --> 00:02:58,281 ♪ Now your hope And compassion is gone ♪ 61 00:02:58,281 --> 00:03:01,008 ♪ You'’ve sold out your dream To the world ♪ 62 00:03:01,008 --> 00:03:03,390 ♪ Stay dead, stay dead Stay dead ♪ 63 00:03:03,390 --> 00:03:05,702 ♪ You'’re dead And out of this world ♪ 64 00:03:16,851 --> 00:03:18,922 [Nandor] Does anyone remember where Jerry'’s super-slumber coffin is? 65 00:03:18,922 --> 00:03:20,648 [Nadja] Jerry? 66 00:03:20,648 --> 00:03:22,857 [Nandor] Shh. Don'’t scream his name like that. 67 00:03:22,857 --> 00:03:25,688 We must find his coffin and wake him gently. 68 00:03:25,688 --> 00:03:28,656 - [Nadja] Jerry? - [Nandor] Guys, guys, guys. 69 00:03:28,656 --> 00:03:31,211 - Here he is. It'’s Jerry. - [Laszlo] Oh, gosh. 70 00:03:33,040 --> 00:03:35,870 Jerry? Oh, Jerry? 71 00:03:39,253 --> 00:03:41,255 - [Nadja] Oh! Oh, my dark lord. - [Laszlo] No, no, no. 72 00:03:41,255 --> 00:03:43,533 What have we done? [retches] 73 00:03:43,533 --> 00:03:47,882 Jerry seems to have broken up into seven or eight pieces that smell like old meat. 74 00:03:47,882 --> 00:03:50,022 - Hold on. This isn'’t Jerry. - [Nadja] What? 75 00:03:50,022 --> 00:03:52,784 These are leftover body parts from a scientific experiment 76 00:03:52,784 --> 00:03:54,095 I abandoned decades ago. 77 00:03:55,442 --> 00:03:57,513 Couldn'’t be fucked, so I just left it all. 78 00:03:57,513 --> 00:04:00,412 To create life. To use science itself-- 79 00:04:00,412 --> 00:04:04,278 chemical galvanism, electrobiology, etcetera, etcetera-- 80 00:04:04,278 --> 00:04:07,419 to reanimate dead tissue. 81 00:04:07,419 --> 00:04:13,114 Now, whomever unlocks that mystery, is not a man, but a god. 82 00:04:13,114 --> 00:04:14,115 Like Frankenstein. 83 00:04:16,463 --> 00:04:19,500 - Who? - Like Dr. Victor Frankenstein. 84 00:04:19,500 --> 00:04:20,743 Never heard of him. 85 00:04:21,433 --> 00:04:22,986 Right. 86 00:04:22,986 --> 00:04:26,404 Maybe you will be the head that controls the creature 87 00:04:26,404 --> 00:04:30,546 that the world will hail as Cravensworth'’s new man. 88 00:04:30,546 --> 00:04:34,135 Laszlo, shut the fuck up and come and help them lift this coffin lid. 89 00:04:34,135 --> 00:04:35,171 Sorry, my darling. 90 00:04:44,732 --> 00:04:48,633 [hisses, yawns] 91 00:04:48,633 --> 00:04:50,324 - Hi. - Hey, guys. 92 00:04:50,324 --> 00:04:57,124 Wow, that was a long one. Happy New Year by the way. 1996. Yes. 93 00:04:57,124 --> 00:05:00,092 - Finally. - So fun. You'’re all looking well. 94 00:05:00,092 --> 00:05:02,474 - Nandor, my good man. - Hi, Jerry. 95 00:05:02,474 --> 00:05:05,719 Hello. Nadja, as beautiful as ever. 96 00:05:05,719 --> 00:05:08,135 Jerry, you'’re still buttering me up like the old days. 97 00:05:08,135 --> 00:05:11,380 Yes. Dr. Cravensworth, I presume. 98 00:05:11,380 --> 00:05:13,796 - You presume correctly. Good to see you. - Good to see you. 99 00:05:13,796 --> 00:05:14,900 Hey, Jer-bear. 100 00:05:16,523 --> 00:05:19,319 - There you are, old chap. - Hey. 101 00:05:20,354 --> 00:05:22,322 Good to see you as well. 102 00:05:22,322 --> 00:05:24,496 So, how did it go? 103 00:05:24,496 --> 00:05:27,637 Uh, how did what go? 104 00:05:27,637 --> 00:05:29,363 Conquering the New World. 105 00:05:29,363 --> 00:05:31,503 I would have given anything to have been there for it, 106 00:05:31,503 --> 00:05:34,782 - but I really needed that super slumber. - I bet. 107 00:05:34,782 --> 00:05:37,578 So, did you end up conquering just the United States 108 00:05:37,578 --> 00:05:39,166 or did you end up deciding 109 00:05:39,166 --> 00:05:41,341 that the New World means Canada and Mexico as well? 110 00:05:43,204 --> 00:05:46,069 [Jerry] So you let me sleep for 50 years instead of 20. 111 00:05:46,069 --> 00:05:50,350 During which time, you conquered your street? 112 00:05:50,350 --> 00:05:52,144 - Yes. - And part of-- 113 00:05:52,144 --> 00:05:54,319 - Part of Ashley Street. - [Jerry] Right. 114 00:05:54,319 --> 00:05:57,357 - Actually, most of Ashley Street. So... - [Nandor] Yes. 115 00:05:57,357 --> 00:05:58,875 - Look at this. - Yeah. 116 00:05:58,875 --> 00:06:00,394 Again, you'’ve showed me whatever this thing is 117 00:06:00,394 --> 00:06:02,465 where you can have a television in your pocket. 118 00:06:02,465 --> 00:06:05,744 No, I know. But you asked what you'’ve missed over the last 50 years. 119 00:06:05,744 --> 00:06:07,988 So, I just thought you should see this. 120 00:06:07,988 --> 00:06:09,783 What is this supposed to be? 121 00:06:09,783 --> 00:06:12,682 Well, it'’s a bit of a brain teaser. 122 00:06:12,682 --> 00:06:16,203 Does the dress look white and gold or black and blue to you? 123 00:06:16,203 --> 00:06:19,724 Okay. Stop. But the fact that vampires exist, 124 00:06:19,724 --> 00:06:21,622 that'’s still a secret, right? 125 00:06:21,622 --> 00:06:23,210 Humans don'’t know about that. 126 00:06:23,210 --> 00:06:26,075 Yes, totally. Got no idea. 127 00:06:26,075 --> 00:06:30,424 Yes, we lurk in the darkness concealing our own grim majesty 128 00:06:30,424 --> 00:06:32,564 from prying human eyes. 129 00:06:32,564 --> 00:06:34,255 And those who are too curious-- 130 00:06:34,255 --> 00:06:36,499 well, they'’ll spend their last moments ruing the day 131 00:06:36,499 --> 00:06:39,433 they poked their noses in where they weren'’t belonging. 132 00:06:39,433 --> 00:06:41,297 - What he said. - [Jerry] Right. 133 00:06:41,297 --> 00:06:45,405 But then, why is there a human camera crew here filming everything? 134 00:06:48,925 --> 00:06:52,412 Oh, them. [chuckles] No. You don'’t need to worry about them 135 00:06:52,412 --> 00:06:53,930 because, Jerry, they'’re cool. So... 136 00:06:53,930 --> 00:06:55,553 Yes, very cool. 137 00:06:55,553 --> 00:06:58,452 Do you even know who they'’re going to show all this to? 138 00:06:58,452 --> 00:07:00,281 [Nadja, Laszlo] Um... 139 00:07:00,281 --> 00:07:01,386 - You gotta hear this. - ["We Didn'’t Start the Fire" playing] 140 00:07:01,386 --> 00:07:03,457 What? What is this? 141 00:07:03,457 --> 00:07:07,081 It'’s a pretty comprehensive list of the things you'’ve missed. 142 00:07:07,081 --> 00:07:09,601 Yep. Maybe I could listen to this later, Carl. 143 00:07:09,601 --> 00:07:11,569 - Colin. - Isn'’t that what I said? 144 00:07:11,569 --> 00:07:13,605 No, you said Carl. 145 00:07:13,605 --> 00:07:15,952 South Pacific, Walter Winchell, Joe DiMaggio. 146 00:07:15,952 --> 00:07:18,610 I was around for all of this. Maybe we could fast-forward? 147 00:07:18,610 --> 00:07:22,925 Well, it stops in 1988 around the rock and roller Cola Wars. 148 00:07:22,925 --> 00:07:26,066 - The what? - Rock and roller Cola Wars! 149 00:07:26,066 --> 00:07:29,656 Okay. Not now, guy. Can somebody just please tell me 150 00:07:29,656 --> 00:07:32,106 what is our current dark purpose, 151 00:07:32,106 --> 00:07:35,144 and why are we letting these humans know about it? 152 00:07:35,144 --> 00:07:36,456 Um... [stammers] 153 00:07:37,491 --> 00:07:39,079 - Yes? - Sit down. 154 00:07:39,079 --> 00:07:40,494 [Nandor] Never mind. 155 00:07:40,494 --> 00:07:43,083 Jerry has been asking a lot of questions lately 156 00:07:43,083 --> 00:07:47,915 about things I haven'’t thought about in a long while. 157 00:07:47,915 --> 00:07:51,091 Things that make you go, "Hmm" so to speak. 158 00:07:51,091 --> 00:07:52,955 Yes. Hmm. 159 00:07:57,373 --> 00:07:59,927 - [Nadja] Come on. In here. - [Nandor] Sure of it? Yep. 160 00:07:59,927 --> 00:08:03,931 Okay. Sorry, I just need a private moment with Nandor. So... [chuckles] 161 00:08:03,931 --> 00:08:05,485 - [Nandor] What? - [Nadja] Just wait a second. 162 00:08:07,521 --> 00:08:10,835 Okay. Why do we allow a camera crew 163 00:08:10,835 --> 00:08:13,078 to document our every moves? 164 00:08:13,078 --> 00:08:17,082 But who would not want to document the lives of three exalted vampires? 165 00:08:17,082 --> 00:08:18,394 And also Colin Robinson. 166 00:08:18,394 --> 00:08:21,293 Obviously. But why do we allow it? 167 00:08:21,293 --> 00:08:22,847 [Nandor] Hmm. 168 00:08:22,847 --> 00:08:25,125 - Right? - You know who would remember? 169 00:08:25,125 --> 00:08:26,954 Guillermo would remember. 170 00:08:26,954 --> 00:08:29,336 - Then we must go and talk to Guillermo. - No, we can'’t do that. 171 00:08:29,336 --> 00:08:30,993 No, no, no, he has a new life now. 172 00:08:30,993 --> 00:08:32,926 He has a new home. He has a new job. 173 00:08:32,926 --> 00:08:34,514 Take me to Guillermo, Nandor. 174 00:08:35,515 --> 00:08:38,552 [Nandor sighs] Fine. 175 00:08:38,552 --> 00:08:43,177 [clears throat] Hello. We are going to visit Guillermo in his new home. 176 00:08:43,177 --> 00:08:47,354 This way. You may not like where he lives now. 177 00:08:47,354 --> 00:08:49,736 [scoffs] I do not like where any human lives. 178 00:08:49,736 --> 00:08:54,810 There is always a sink and a couch and a drawer full of spoons. [scoffs] 179 00:08:54,810 --> 00:08:58,192 Well, you know, I actually helped Guillermo to find his new home. 180 00:08:58,192 --> 00:09:00,091 Well, because he was looking for his independence, 181 00:09:00,091 --> 00:09:02,300 and I kind of felt I owed him. 182 00:09:02,300 --> 00:09:05,165 It'’s okay to admit that you just miss him a little bit. 183 00:09:05,165 --> 00:09:07,892 Please, Nadja. Familiars, they come, and they go. 184 00:09:07,892 --> 00:09:10,204 You know, you cannot get too attached. 185 00:09:10,204 --> 00:09:12,517 Most of them are killed in the line of duty anyways. 186 00:09:12,517 --> 00:09:15,416 That'’s just the circle of life. And here we are. 187 00:09:16,694 --> 00:09:19,559 What? I thought he had his own apartment. 188 00:09:19,559 --> 00:09:23,079 Well, he does in Laszlo'’s old garden shed where he used to jack off. 189 00:09:25,219 --> 00:09:28,188 Let'’s see if he's in. Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap. 190 00:09:28,188 --> 00:09:29,396 [Guillermo] Who is it? 191 00:09:29,396 --> 00:09:32,192 Hi, guys. 192 00:09:32,192 --> 00:09:34,574 So, yeah, I moved into Laszlo'’s garden shed. 193 00:09:35,851 --> 00:09:39,268 There'’s a smell. Mildewy? I wanna say. 194 00:09:39,268 --> 00:09:42,409 And there was some really big stains that I couldn'’t identify. 195 00:09:42,409 --> 00:09:44,584 I was gonna get my own place eventually, 196 00:09:44,584 --> 00:09:48,622 but I looked around for a while and realized I cannot afford anything. 197 00:09:48,622 --> 00:09:52,419 So, when Nandor offered that I could stay here for 350 a week, I said yes. 198 00:09:52,419 --> 00:09:53,800 Sign me up. 199 00:09:53,800 --> 00:09:56,941 So, Guillermo, how long have you lived here? 200 00:09:56,941 --> 00:09:58,770 - Months. - Months? 201 00:09:58,770 --> 00:10:01,014 - Yeah. - Has it been that long? 202 00:10:01,014 --> 00:10:02,532 - Yeah. - [Nandor] This is actually the first time 203 00:10:02,532 --> 00:10:06,053 - I'’ve seen Guillermo since he left. So... - Bullshit. 204 00:10:06,053 --> 00:10:08,642 Actually, no, he'’s telling the truth. 205 00:10:08,642 --> 00:10:11,611 We'’ve maintained really good boundaries about not seeing each other 206 00:10:11,611 --> 00:10:13,923 till I get my life together. 207 00:10:13,923 --> 00:10:15,615 And where do you make toilet? 208 00:10:16,995 --> 00:10:19,066 Hmm? Uh, I'’m always at work, 209 00:10:19,066 --> 00:10:21,482 so I just save it till I'’m at work. 210 00:10:21,482 --> 00:10:25,417 Work. And how is your new career going? 211 00:10:25,417 --> 00:10:26,867 I work at a restaurant. 212 00:10:26,867 --> 00:10:28,110 Panera Bread? 213 00:10:29,249 --> 00:10:31,976 - Yeah. How did you guess? - Just-- 214 00:10:31,976 --> 00:10:34,495 - Even when you go pee-pee? - Pardon me? 215 00:10:34,495 --> 00:10:36,670 You even save up your pee-pee for when you go to work? 216 00:10:38,292 --> 00:10:41,710 And how is your new master at Panera? 217 00:10:41,710 --> 00:10:43,919 My boss? Actually, he'’s good. He's-- 218 00:10:43,919 --> 00:10:45,886 Guillermo, what is this bucket? 219 00:10:45,886 --> 00:10:48,717 You know what? It'’s getting late, and I have to be up early. 220 00:10:48,717 --> 00:10:50,270 So, I think probably just-- 221 00:10:50,270 --> 00:10:54,067 Guillermo, this bucket smells like pee-pee. 222 00:10:54,067 --> 00:10:57,173 I was wondering what the smell was that was here when I got here months ago. 223 00:10:57,173 --> 00:10:58,830 - So that'’s what that was. - The point is this, 224 00:10:58,830 --> 00:11:04,940 Jerry has inquired as to why we allow the documentary crew to film us. 225 00:11:04,940 --> 00:11:07,356 - Wait. Who'’s Jerry? - Never mind. Doesn'’t matter who Jerry is. 226 00:11:07,356 --> 00:11:09,082 You miss a little, you miss a lot. 227 00:11:09,082 --> 00:11:12,292 - Shall we? - Yes. And I'’m taking this bucket with me. 228 00:11:12,292 --> 00:11:13,914 No, wait. Why? 229 00:11:13,914 --> 00:11:17,021 Why not? [chuckles] 230 00:11:17,021 --> 00:11:18,919 [Nandor] See you in another month or two, Guillermo. 231 00:11:18,919 --> 00:11:20,369 [Laszlo] Man, human form! [Nadja] Well, look who it is! 232 00:11:20,369 --> 00:11:21,715 - [Laszlo] Hello, my darling. - [Jerry] Hi. 233 00:11:21,715 --> 00:11:23,096 [Nadja] Yes. That'’s my love. 234 00:11:23,096 --> 00:11:24,338 [Laszlo] Jerry and I'’ve just had a feed. 235 00:11:24,338 --> 00:11:26,237 I had to warn him about the modern roads 236 00:11:26,237 --> 00:11:28,515 with the steel horses with their rubber feet. 237 00:11:28,515 --> 00:11:31,691 Again, I know what a fucking car is. I wasn'’t asleep that long. 238 00:11:33,140 --> 00:11:35,487 - Laszlo, you sly dog. - [Laszlo] What-- 239 00:11:35,487 --> 00:11:36,868 You. 240 00:11:36,868 --> 00:11:38,767 Congratulations, my friend. 241 00:11:38,767 --> 00:11:41,148 - I thought you said you didn'’t finish him. - Finish what? 242 00:11:41,148 --> 00:11:44,393 Your monster-- made of cadaver parts and reanimated to give it life. 243 00:11:44,393 --> 00:11:46,498 Jerry, that is Guillermo. 244 00:11:46,498 --> 00:11:48,742 Did you see? He looked when you said his name. 245 00:11:48,742 --> 00:11:50,848 No, uh, he'’s human. 246 00:11:50,848 --> 00:11:52,332 A human amongst us? 247 00:11:52,332 --> 00:11:53,643 - Yes. - I'’ll handle this. 248 00:11:53,643 --> 00:11:54,921 - [Nandor] No. Uh, Jerry. - [Nadja] No. 249 00:11:54,921 --> 00:11:56,957 Jerry, no, no. This is Guillermo. 250 00:11:56,957 --> 00:11:59,546 He'’s okay. He's our familiar. 251 00:11:59,546 --> 00:12:03,205 Ah. Okay. Apologies. 252 00:12:03,205 --> 00:12:05,414 Familiar, go fetch my coffin from the basement. 253 00:12:05,414 --> 00:12:10,177 Uh, the thing is, Jerry, he'’s not our familiar anymore. 254 00:12:10,177 --> 00:12:12,179 Okay. Why does he still live here? 255 00:12:12,179 --> 00:12:14,768 - Good question. - It'’s a long story. 256 00:12:14,768 --> 00:12:16,390 - Yeah. Look at this. - Don'’t. 257 00:12:16,390 --> 00:12:18,461 Fine, but if someone asks you 258 00:12:18,461 --> 00:12:21,050 why Michael Dukakis was riding on a tank, 259 00:12:21,050 --> 00:12:23,881 you'’re not gonna know what to say. You'’re gonna look dumb, Jerry. 260 00:12:23,881 --> 00:12:25,814 It'’s pretty good. 261 00:12:25,814 --> 00:12:29,749 So you haven'’t managed to reanimate dead flesh to create new life? 262 00:12:29,749 --> 00:12:31,820 - Not yet, no. - But that was your whole thing. 263 00:12:31,820 --> 00:12:34,029 If you haven'’t been working on that, what have you been doing? 264 00:12:34,029 --> 00:12:36,756 - Tending my vulva garden. - [Jerry] Indeed. 265 00:12:38,965 --> 00:12:41,588 Uh, Nandor, can I see you for a moment inside? 266 00:12:41,588 --> 00:12:43,970 Certainly, Jerry. This way. 267 00:12:43,970 --> 00:12:46,179 He seems nice. 268 00:12:46,179 --> 00:12:48,422 [Nandor] I turned Guillermo into a human, which was a hassle, 269 00:12:48,422 --> 00:12:50,217 - but for the best... - Yeah. Yeah. Hold on just a second. 270 00:12:50,217 --> 00:12:52,323 - Yeah? - Are you okay, man? 271 00:12:52,323 --> 00:12:54,946 Me, Jerry? I'’m great. Why do you ask? 272 00:12:54,946 --> 00:12:58,570 It'’s just-- The old Nandor, the Nandor I knew before I went to sleep? 273 00:12:58,570 --> 00:13:00,918 - That'’s me. - Is it though? 274 00:13:00,918 --> 00:13:04,404 You were Nandor the fucking Relentless, 275 00:13:04,404 --> 00:13:08,132 a killer of men, a conqueror of continents. 276 00:13:08,132 --> 00:13:10,410 - Yes. - Where the fuck is that guy? 277 00:13:10,410 --> 00:13:11,860 Very good questions, Jerry. 278 00:13:13,275 --> 00:13:14,794 The fuck happened around here? 279 00:13:21,697 --> 00:13:24,734 Well, I'’m going to turn in before the sun comes up. 280 00:13:24,734 --> 00:13:26,806 - Get back on a normal schedule. - [Nadja] Good night, Jerry. 281 00:13:26,806 --> 00:13:27,979 The fuck is that? 282 00:13:27,979 --> 00:13:29,394 That is my dolly. 283 00:13:29,394 --> 00:13:32,432 She contains the ghost of my dead human form 284 00:13:32,432 --> 00:13:34,468 from before I became a vampire, you know. 285 00:13:34,468 --> 00:13:36,850 Right. Cool. 286 00:13:36,850 --> 00:13:38,231 - Anyways... - Good night, Jerry. 287 00:13:38,231 --> 00:13:39,473 - Good night, Kyle. - Colin. 288 00:13:40,474 --> 00:13:42,994 I hadn'’t finished speaking. Uh. 289 00:13:43,926 --> 00:13:46,135 Good night, Kyle-in. 290 00:13:46,135 --> 00:13:48,241 - [Laszlo] Good to have you back, old chap. - [Jerry] Good to be back. 291 00:13:48,241 --> 00:13:50,243 And good to see you two getting along again. 292 00:13:50,243 --> 00:13:51,658 What'’s he talking about, my darling? 293 00:13:51,658 --> 00:13:54,178 When I went under, you two weren'’t speaking at all. 294 00:13:54,178 --> 00:13:56,214 You hadn'’t spoken in five or six years. 295 00:13:56,214 --> 00:13:57,837 Really? I think I'’d remember something like that. 296 00:13:57,837 --> 00:13:59,286 Um. Me too. 297 00:13:59,286 --> 00:14:01,495 Maybe it was a different Laszlo and Nadja. 298 00:14:01,495 --> 00:14:03,704 It was a long time ago, I guess. 299 00:14:03,704 --> 00:14:06,880 Literally 50 years ago, which, again, was not the plan. 300 00:14:06,880 --> 00:14:09,987 Colin Robinson, do you remember a time when me and Laszlo 301 00:14:09,987 --> 00:14:12,921 had such a big argument that we didn'’t speak for about five years? 302 00:14:12,921 --> 00:14:15,509 - Yeah. - Well, what was it about? 303 00:14:15,509 --> 00:14:17,857 It couldn'’t have been that bad. I'’m sure it's water under the bridge now. 304 00:14:17,857 --> 00:14:20,066 You wanted to go out and get a real job 305 00:14:20,066 --> 00:14:23,379 because of your morbid fascination with regular folks. 306 00:14:23,379 --> 00:14:26,727 - Right. - And Laszlo forbade it. 307 00:14:26,727 --> 00:14:29,351 - He said it was too "dangerous-uh"... - [Laszlo] Yeah. 308 00:14:29,351 --> 00:14:33,527 ...for you to be out on your own without his protection or some bullshit. 309 00:14:33,527 --> 00:14:36,530 You longhead streak of British piss! 310 00:14:36,530 --> 00:14:38,187 Who are you to say that I need your protection? 311 00:14:38,187 --> 00:14:40,534 If I want to go out mingling amongst the humans, 312 00:14:40,534 --> 00:14:43,537 I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself. 313 00:14:43,537 --> 00:14:46,886 - I forbid it. - Well, you know what? You can get fucked. 314 00:14:46,886 --> 00:14:49,889 How dare you talk to me like that with that salty tongue? 315 00:14:49,889 --> 00:14:51,994 - Why do you bring it up? - What about me? 316 00:14:51,994 --> 00:14:55,584 Can'’t you see I'm dealing with my own stuff over here? 317 00:14:55,584 --> 00:14:59,691 Jerry was one of the only real friends that I ever had. 318 00:14:59,691 --> 00:15:02,177 At least I thought he was. 319 00:15:02,177 --> 00:15:06,940 It'’s pretty obvious, though, that the guy doesn'’t remember me. 320 00:15:06,940 --> 00:15:08,528 [Nandor] Jerry is right, of course. 321 00:15:08,528 --> 00:15:09,943 What have I become? 322 00:15:09,943 --> 00:15:13,050 My own familiar humiliates me and what do I do? 323 00:15:13,050 --> 00:15:17,744 Murder him? Nah, I become his landlord. 324 00:15:17,744 --> 00:15:20,781 Where did I lose my way? 325 00:15:20,781 --> 00:15:21,955 [Laszlo] Jerry'’s right, of course. 326 00:15:21,955 --> 00:15:23,923 I staked my entire reputation 327 00:15:23,923 --> 00:15:25,579 on being a man of science. 328 00:15:25,579 --> 00:15:28,755 A man to create life from dead tissue. 329 00:15:28,755 --> 00:15:30,377 And what did I do? 330 00:15:30,377 --> 00:15:32,966 I let a couple of setbacks shake my confidence 331 00:15:32,966 --> 00:15:36,349 and spent the last 50 years pulling my pud. [sighs] 332 00:15:36,349 --> 00:15:39,628 Who the hell is Laszlo to forbid anything? 333 00:15:39,628 --> 00:15:41,768 Think of what I could have become 334 00:15:41,768 --> 00:15:44,736 if I had learned the ways of the humans 50 years ago. 335 00:15:44,736 --> 00:15:46,911 That'’s right, girl. Don'’t let these motherfuckers hold you back. 336 00:15:46,911 --> 00:15:48,223 Yes. Exactly. 337 00:15:48,223 --> 00:15:49,776 Truth. 338 00:15:49,776 --> 00:15:51,951 A lot of bad feelings in the house right now, 339 00:15:51,951 --> 00:15:56,058 which would ordinarily be a feast for an energy vampire. 340 00:15:56,058 --> 00:16:01,063 But it'’s too much of a good thing and it'’s starting to show. 341 00:16:01,063 --> 00:16:04,032 I'’m not even trying to feast on all the negative energy, 342 00:16:04,032 --> 00:16:06,344 but it keeps soaking in 343 00:16:06,344 --> 00:16:09,589 and I'’ll be damned if it doesn'’t go straight to my hips. 344 00:16:09,589 --> 00:16:13,282 Guillermo, do you think you might respect me more if I had killed you? 345 00:16:13,938 --> 00:16:15,802 What? No. 346 00:16:15,802 --> 00:16:17,528 I think that was a very nice thing you did. 347 00:16:17,528 --> 00:16:18,632 Not killing me. 348 00:16:18,632 --> 00:16:20,427 Yes. Yes. Yes. 349 00:16:20,427 --> 00:16:22,982 Formerly known as Nandor the Relentless, 350 00:16:22,982 --> 00:16:26,778 now known as Nandor the kind-of-nice guy. 351 00:16:26,778 --> 00:16:30,679 Gizmo, I want you to have my scientific devices. 352 00:16:30,679 --> 00:16:34,683 I won'’t be needing them anymore. I do not deserve them. 353 00:16:34,683 --> 00:16:38,031 My bone saw, all yours. Stethoscope, you can have that. 354 00:16:38,031 --> 00:16:40,033 - Whatever you like. - What if I killed you now? 355 00:16:40,033 --> 00:16:42,967 Do you think that would make a difference? The moment has passed. 356 00:16:42,967 --> 00:16:44,796 You sure you wanna get rid of this? Looks pretty expensive. 357 00:16:44,796 --> 00:16:47,247 Well, that there is my anal speculum. 358 00:16:47,247 --> 00:16:51,217 It'’s tarnished from years of use, but you'’re more than welcome to it. 359 00:16:51,217 --> 00:16:55,462 Guillermo, I need you to do me a favor and please tell the pompous trout 360 00:16:55,462 --> 00:16:57,671 with a woman'’s haircut, also known as Laszlo, 361 00:16:57,671 --> 00:17:00,019 that he needs to move his coffin from our bedroom 362 00:17:00,019 --> 00:17:01,813 to the couch in the library. 363 00:17:01,813 --> 00:17:04,644 - But he'’s right there. - Gizmo, would you please tell my wife 364 00:17:04,644 --> 00:17:06,370 if she wishes to kick a man while he'’s down, 365 00:17:06,370 --> 00:17:07,819 to do so in writing? 366 00:17:07,819 --> 00:17:10,132 [Guillermo] What is going on with you guys? 367 00:17:10,132 --> 00:17:13,204 - Oh, hey. Yes. - Guillermo. Colin Robinson. 368 00:17:13,204 --> 00:17:16,035 I used to live in the house right over there with you. 369 00:17:16,035 --> 00:17:17,243 Colin, I know who you are. 370 00:17:17,243 --> 00:17:18,623 At least somebody does. 371 00:17:18,623 --> 00:17:21,178 Okay, this is not my place, not my job, 372 00:17:21,178 --> 00:17:22,731 but clearly something'’s wrong. 373 00:17:22,731 --> 00:17:24,457 And I think we can all agree what that is. 374 00:17:24,457 --> 00:17:26,873 That I have become a total pussy? 375 00:17:26,873 --> 00:17:30,187 - That I am a total failure? - That Laszlo is a total failure? 376 00:17:30,187 --> 00:17:32,568 - That my pants don'’t fit anymore? - [Guillermo] No. 377 00:17:32,568 --> 00:17:35,571 I was gonna say it'’s Jerry. 378 00:17:35,571 --> 00:17:39,092 - What? Jerry. He just tells it like it is! - Such a great guy. 379 00:17:39,092 --> 00:17:40,507 I know, I'’m sure Jerry is a great, 380 00:17:40,507 --> 00:17:42,371 - fantastic guy... - He is. 381 00:17:42,371 --> 00:17:44,063 ...but, you know, something happens when you add a new person 382 00:17:44,063 --> 00:17:45,857 into a group of friends. 383 00:17:45,857 --> 00:17:47,031 It throws off the dynamic. 384 00:17:47,031 --> 00:17:49,068 But you were the new person. 385 00:17:49,068 --> 00:17:51,932 - Hang on. He was never a friend. - Okay, that'’s harsh, 386 00:17:51,932 --> 00:17:56,696 but I made it work because I did whatever it took to make all of you happy. 387 00:17:56,696 --> 00:18:00,079 I mean, I ate your shit over and over. 388 00:18:00,079 --> 00:18:02,288 I mean, until I basically had no life of my own. 389 00:18:02,288 --> 00:18:05,084 Okay, is this your sneaky, slimy, 390 00:18:05,084 --> 00:18:07,672 little way of letting us know that you want to move back into the house with us 391 00:18:07,672 --> 00:18:09,778 - and start working for us again? - We accept. 392 00:18:09,778 --> 00:18:13,506 - No. No, absolutely not. - [Nandor] I was just joking, you know, 393 00:18:13,506 --> 00:18:15,887 because we'’re doing just fine without you. 394 00:18:15,887 --> 00:18:19,339 Great. The point is, I'’m sure Jerry was a great friend, right? 395 00:18:19,339 --> 00:18:21,100 - Such a great guy. - You had a great time with him, 396 00:18:21,100 --> 00:18:22,756 but it'’s just not working anymore. 397 00:18:22,756 --> 00:18:25,932 And you all need to be honest with yourself and with him. 398 00:18:25,932 --> 00:18:27,934 - He'’s right. - Thank you. 399 00:18:27,934 --> 00:18:30,454 Guillermo, can you please tell the man who just said "he'’s right" 400 00:18:30,454 --> 00:18:32,628 that I reluctantly agree with him? 401 00:18:32,628 --> 00:18:36,080 Okay, Guillermo is right. We will fix. 402 00:18:36,080 --> 00:18:37,771 - Great. - Great. 403 00:18:37,771 --> 00:18:39,463 - I'’ll see you out. Thanks for coming. - Guillermo? 404 00:18:39,463 --> 00:18:41,154 - Yes? Uh-huh? - One more thing. 405 00:18:41,154 --> 00:18:43,087 Will you help us fix this? 406 00:18:43,087 --> 00:18:45,917 What part of "I don'’t work for you" don'’t you understand? 407 00:18:45,917 --> 00:18:51,095 Okay, fine. Not as a former familiar or as a preeminent former shit-eater 408 00:18:51,095 --> 00:18:53,477 of Staten Island, but as a former friend. 409 00:18:53,477 --> 00:18:54,305 Yeah. 410 00:18:59,448 --> 00:19:02,175 Look, we all know this is gonna be a hard conversation to have, right? 411 00:19:02,175 --> 00:19:04,591 - Yes. - Okay. So who'’s gonna do the talking? 412 00:19:04,591 --> 00:19:06,938 - As leader of this group... - You'’re not the leader of the group. 413 00:19:06,938 --> 00:19:09,182 - ...I shall do it. - Well, I don'’t disagree with that. 414 00:19:09,182 --> 00:19:12,151 Guillermo, could you please tell Laszlo that it is not ever his right 415 00:19:12,151 --> 00:19:15,430 - to say what people can and cannot do? - [horn beeps] 416 00:19:15,430 --> 00:19:18,157 Guys, can you just step back a little bit? I'’m trying to turn around. 417 00:19:18,157 --> 00:19:19,951 - Okay, so what are you going to say? - I will say, 418 00:19:19,951 --> 00:19:23,334 "Jerry, old friend, we love you and we have love for you, 419 00:19:23,334 --> 00:19:25,164 but it'’s just not working out." 420 00:19:25,164 --> 00:19:26,613 That'’s great so far. Okay, and then what? 421 00:19:26,613 --> 00:19:28,132 These two will hold him down, 422 00:19:28,132 --> 00:19:29,651 and I'’m gonna drive this stake through his heart. 423 00:19:29,651 --> 00:19:30,859 What? No. 424 00:19:30,859 --> 00:19:32,447 Or I could just chop his head off. 425 00:19:32,447 --> 00:19:34,345 - No. - [Laszlo] Douse him with this holy water. 426 00:19:34,345 --> 00:19:37,037 - [Guillermo] No. - If he tries making a run for it, I got this bad boy. 427 00:19:37,037 --> 00:19:38,867 What makes you think that you need to kill him? 428 00:19:38,867 --> 00:19:40,248 - It was your idea. - [Guillermo] No, it wasn'’t. 429 00:19:40,248 --> 00:19:41,801 There are other ways of ending a relationship 430 00:19:41,801 --> 00:19:42,974 than killing the other person. 431 00:19:42,974 --> 00:19:45,114 - Name one. - [coffin door opens] 432 00:19:45,114 --> 00:19:48,014 - [Nandor] Shit. - [yawns] Hey, guys. What'’s up? 433 00:19:50,016 --> 00:19:51,845 What? Did you let me sleep for another 50 years? 434 00:19:51,845 --> 00:19:52,743 What year is it? 435 00:19:54,227 --> 00:19:56,471 - Kidding, kidding. - Jerry, old friend. 436 00:19:56,471 --> 00:19:58,645 - Nandor. - Jerry, Jerry, Jerry. 437 00:19:58,645 --> 00:20:02,028 [clears throat] We love you and we have love for you. 438 00:20:02,028 --> 00:20:04,133 But it'’s just-- 439 00:20:04,133 --> 00:20:08,034 The thing is, you mean so much to us. You'’re such a-- No. 440 00:20:08,034 --> 00:20:12,383 Sorry, Jerry. We forgot to tell you that you'’re such a big part of this family. 441 00:20:12,383 --> 00:20:14,282 And there'’s something that they all discovered 442 00:20:14,282 --> 00:20:17,043 while you were asleep for 50 years and they forgot to tell you. 443 00:20:18,251 --> 00:20:19,873 - No. - Tell me. 444 00:20:19,873 --> 00:20:22,186 Well, no, I forgot it was my job and I dropped the ball. 445 00:20:22,186 --> 00:20:24,844 - I forgot to tell you. - Yes. Typical Guillermo fuckup. 446 00:20:24,844 --> 00:20:27,502 It'’s just that-- See, Jerry, it'’s-- Sorry. 447 00:20:27,502 --> 00:20:31,885 I heard that you were the brains behind the whole taking over America plan. 448 00:20:31,885 --> 00:20:33,266 Yeah. Guilty. 449 00:20:33,266 --> 00:20:35,095 He'’s gonna like what we have to show him. 450 00:20:35,095 --> 00:20:38,237 So why don'’t you come on out and we will show you-- 451 00:20:38,237 --> 00:20:40,031 - He'’s running! - No, he'’s not, Colin. 452 00:20:40,031 --> 00:20:44,864 Oh, gosh! It went right through my foot in my orthopedic shoe. 453 00:20:44,864 --> 00:20:46,728 - [Jerry] You had a crossbow. - [Colin] Ooh, that hurts. 454 00:20:47,556 --> 00:20:49,248 [Guillermo] So, what do you think? 455 00:20:49,248 --> 00:20:53,079 Am I supposed to F him or-- You know, what'’s the plan here? 456 00:20:53,079 --> 00:20:55,702 I mean, you can if you want, but no, that'’s not why I brought him here. 457 00:20:55,702 --> 00:20:57,670 Well, why did you bring him here? 458 00:20:57,670 --> 00:21:01,881 PS, I probably will F him but more out of boredom than anything else. 459 00:21:01,881 --> 00:21:04,539 Such as the plight of The Guide. 460 00:21:04,539 --> 00:21:07,507 Okay. No, I brought him here because he'’s everything 461 00:21:07,507 --> 00:21:09,820 you'’ve been waiting your entire life for. 462 00:21:09,820 --> 00:21:11,546 He wants to take over the New World. 463 00:21:12,581 --> 00:21:14,134 - It can'’t be true. - It is. 464 00:21:14,134 --> 00:21:16,344 Could he be the chosen one 465 00:21:16,344 --> 00:21:18,518 who will finally make our conquest a reality? 466 00:21:19,347 --> 00:21:20,969 Yep. 467 00:21:20,969 --> 00:21:22,936 You know, I once thought Nandor was the chosen one. 468 00:21:22,936 --> 00:21:26,940 - Or Nadja and then Laszlo and never Colin. - Never. 469 00:21:26,940 --> 00:21:30,565 I just said those guys are kind of not self-starters. 470 00:21:30,565 --> 00:21:32,394 - That'’s true. - Uh, Lieutenant. [clears throat] 471 00:21:32,394 --> 00:21:35,155 Oh, you can just call me The Guide. 472 00:21:35,155 --> 00:21:37,261 You'’ll answer to "Lieutenant," and you'’ll like it. 473 00:21:37,261 --> 00:21:40,471 You'’ll find I'm a bit of a stickler for a chain of command. 474 00:21:40,471 --> 00:21:42,818 - I like him very much. - Told you. 475 00:21:42,818 --> 00:21:45,614 Yes, sir. Lieutenant at your service, sir. 476 00:21:45,614 --> 00:21:48,790 Now, is this the most current map of the continental United States? 477 00:21:50,032 --> 00:21:52,034 - [Guillermo] No. - No, it is not, sir. 478 00:21:52,034 --> 00:21:55,141 Also, I see that I missed a vampire infiltrating 479 00:21:55,141 --> 00:21:58,455 the highest ranks of the US government a heartbeat away from the presidency. 480 00:21:58,455 --> 00:22:00,422 Yes, sir. Alexander the Haig. 481 00:22:00,422 --> 00:22:02,010 Get me everything you have on this guy. 482 00:22:02,010 --> 00:22:04,115 We haven'’t had a vampire so close to the throne 483 00:22:04,115 --> 00:22:06,739 of human power since McNamara in '’61. 484 00:22:06,739 --> 00:22:08,119 Pulling those documents now, sir. 485 00:22:09,638 --> 00:22:11,571 [Nandor] And so we are of one mind. 486 00:22:11,571 --> 00:22:13,849 Therefore, we shall meet here for at least three hours every night 487 00:22:13,849 --> 00:22:15,610 and conceive a plan-- 488 00:22:15,610 --> 00:22:20,442 the complete and total vampire subjugation of all humans. 489 00:22:20,442 --> 00:22:22,789 - Hear! Hear! - Absolutely. Let'’s do this. 490 00:22:22,789 --> 00:22:23,963 Yes. 491 00:22:23,963 --> 00:22:26,966 - Can I get a beep-beep? - [horn beeps] 492 00:22:26,966 --> 00:22:30,383 Conquering the New World is indeed job number one. 493 00:22:30,383 --> 00:22:33,006 It is of the utmost importance. 494 00:22:33,006 --> 00:22:36,424 But is it as important as creating life? 495 00:22:36,424 --> 00:22:40,531 I'’m still a little mad at Laszlo for being a little pussy bitch, 496 00:22:40,531 --> 00:22:43,776 threatened and scared because I wanted to learn the ways of the humans. 497 00:22:43,776 --> 00:22:47,020 But now, it is all about just me going out there 498 00:22:47,020 --> 00:22:50,610 and getting some and then getting a little piece more. 499 00:22:50,610 --> 00:22:53,820 - Hmm? - What about conquering the New World? 500 00:22:53,820 --> 00:22:56,720 You know, yes, conquering the New World or nothing. 501 00:22:56,720 --> 00:22:59,550 Very important to me. Gonna get to it soon. 502 00:22:59,550 --> 00:23:03,485 Now let the conquest of the New World commence. 503 00:23:03,485 --> 00:23:06,385 House meeting. House meeting. 504 00:23:08,248 --> 00:23:10,803 Hello? Guys? 505 00:23:12,149 --> 00:23:15,394 ♪ We didn'’t start the fire ♪ 506 00:23:15,394 --> 00:23:18,914 ♪ It was always burning since The world'’s been turning ♪ 507 00:23:18,914 --> 00:23:20,640 [Jerry] Pull me everything you'’ve got 508 00:23:20,640 --> 00:23:21,745 - on foreign debt... - All right. 509 00:23:21,745 --> 00:23:23,574 - ...homeless vets... - Yes. 510 00:23:23,574 --> 00:23:25,162 - ...AIDS, crack... - Uh-huh. 511 00:23:25,162 --> 00:23:27,820 - Yes, sir. Okay. - ...and Bernie Goetz. 512 00:23:27,820 --> 00:23:32,894 Also any relevant documents concerning the rock and roller Cola Wars. 513 00:23:32,894 --> 00:23:38,693 - Yes, here'’s a rock and roller Cola "scroll." - Ah, perfect. 514 00:23:38,693 --> 00:23:42,075 ♪ Rock and roller, cola wars I can'’t take it anymore ♪ 515 00:23:42,075 --> 00:23:45,044 ♪ We didn'’t start the fire ♪ 516 00:23:45,044 --> 00:23:48,703 ♪ It was always burning since The world'’s been turning ♪ 517 00:23:48,703 --> 00:23:51,533 ♪ We didn'’t start the fire ♪ 518 00:23:51,533 --> 00:23:55,054 ♪ But when we are gone It will still burn on ♪ 519 00:23:55,054 --> 00:24:00,749 ♪ And on, and on And on, and on, and on And on, and on ♪ 520 00:24:01,992 --> 00:24:04,926 ♪ We didn'’t start the fire ♪ 521 00:24:04,926 --> 00:24:08,550 ♪ It was always burning since The world'’s been turning ♪ 522 00:24:08,550 --> 00:24:11,484 ♪ We didn'’t start the fire ♪ 523 00:24:11,484 --> 00:24:15,212 ♪ No, we didn'’t light it But we tried to fight it ♪ 524 00:24:15,212 --> 00:24:18,387 ♪ We didn'’t start the fire ♪ 525 00:24:18,387 --> 00:24:21,874 ♪ It was always burning since The world'’s been turning ♪ 526 00:24:21,874 --> 00:24:23,462 ♪ We didn'’t start the fire ♪