[sniffles]
Darling, are you okay?
Yes, yes, very good. Thank you.
[Nadja] Something is wrong with Laszlo.
It has been like this a few weeks now.
He just sits in the library, staring off into space.
I have never seen him like this before.
Ah, Laszlo, I've just been reading this book
about the Battle Of Quiberon Bay.
Could you explain to me the difference between
an Endymion-class frigate and a brigantine?
Yes, yes, very good. Thank you.
[Nadja] I fear I am to blame.
Laszlo is so worried about this hex
that is ruining my eternal life
that he is emotionally depleted.
[Nandor] Sadly, I think it is
because his world has been rocked
by the fact that I am in such a good place.
Actually, I keep having these dreams
where I'm a small child,
and Laszlo is... my daddy.
Oh, that is actually because that did happen, Colin Robinson.
I think I would remember Laszlo wiping my bottom.
- [chuckles] - It's 'cause he did.
Though, to be fair, that...
that is what's happening
- in-in the dream. - Ew. - Please stop.
[quietly] Laszlo?
Yeah, it's my fault.
Laszlo's been working so hard to figure out
why I'm not a full vampire yet.
- And Laszlo hates defeat, so, - [groaning]
I think it's broken his brain.
[whispering] Laszlo, I just want you
to know that it's okay.
- You did your best. - Gizmo?
Ah. Yes. Yes, I'm here for you.
Yes, yes, very good. Thank you.
[Nadja] Even his libido is out of whack.
I mean, we are down to, like, only 16 fucks a week.
We are down to just three.
I can't even get enough of a rise out of him
for a mini-drain.
Oh, good Lord. Ooh!
Does the limited warranty cover the power cord, or just
- the main unit itself? - Ooh, I have been hammering so hard
- on these big nails. - Good one, Jimbo. You got me there.
- Yeah, no, I'd love to go on hold. Sure. - Ooh. Ooh.
- [Muzak plays over phone] - Let's pound some rivets, baby.
[Nandor] Look what I found.
A big box of ships and pornography.
Yes, yes, very good. Thank you.
["You're Dead" by Norma Tanega playing]
♪ Don't sing if you want to live long ♪
♪ They have no use for your song ♪
♪ You're dead, you're dead, you're dead ♪
♪ You're dead and out of this world ♪
♪ Now your hope and compassion is gone ♪
♪ You sold out your dream to the world ♪
♪ Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead ♪
♪ You're dead and out of this world. ♪
♪ ♪
[Nandor] Ugh. Anything?
Remember: there are no stupid ideas,
just stupid people. [groans]
What do we know about Laszlo?
[Nadja] Guillermo, you spend
a lot of your life being very miserable and sad.
Do you have any ideas?
- Okay. - Is it all right if I pitch an idea?
What about if we threw Laszlo a roast?
Right? Where we all give funny speeches about Laszlo,
kind of tease him a little bit,
and it just makes him so happy for some reason?
[Nandor sighs]
- Hold on! I've got one. - Yes?
- Nope. Lost it. - [Nandor sighs]
[Colin] What if--
hear me out on this--
what if we threw Laszlo a roast?
[Nadja] Love that idea!
Now, this is an idea I like!
- [laughing] I just said that. - [Nandor] How did you think of that?
- [Guide] I said it so loud. - [Nadja] Well done, Colin.
No peeking, cheeky. [counting in Greek]
[all] Surprise!
- [upbeat jazz playing] - [cheering]
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the official roast
of Leslie "Laszlo" Cravensworth!
[applause and cheering]
Yes, Laszlo, this night is for you.
Just look at this crowd!
- [laughs] - We gathered all
the people that love you into this one room.
And then when we saw all the empty chairs,
we decided to drag some randos in off the street to fill them!
- [drum plays rim shot] - [laughter]
So many illustrious guests here on the dais tonight.
And also Colin Robinson.
- [rim shot] - [laughter]
He got me. I got got.
Our neighbor Sean is here.
- Hey-yo! [laughs] - [Nandor] Don't worry. we hypnotized him
so he's not gonna remember anything tomorrow.
- Seanie. - Seanie.
I see the great Baron Afanas is here this evening,
restored to his original splendor, thank goodness.
For a couple of years, the baron looked a lot like
if George Hamilton had had sex with some pork rinds.
- [rim shot] - [laughter]
- Hmm. - I see that The Guide is also here.
So, everyone, please join me
in saluting the man of the hour,
the one, the only Laszlo Cravensworth.
- [whooping] - [applause]
We've known each other so many, many years,
you know.
We can practically finish each other's hand jobs.
- [rim shot] - [laughter] - Yes, yes, very good. Thank you.
We are just getting started. It is your roast.
A one, a two, a one, two, three, four.
- [lively jazz playing] - It's Laszlo's roast.
- It is his... - [all] Roast.
- It's Laszlo's... - [all] Roast!
We'll be back right after this.
If you think the missionary position involves
lying on top of a missionary,
you might be a Laszlo Cravensworth!
- [laughter] - [rim shot] - If the first thing
you look for in a woman is your dick,
you might just be...
a Laszlo Cravensworth!
- [rim shot] - [laughter] - [man] Hey!
If you think ejaculating onto the pillow counts
as "cooking your wife dinner," you might just be...
[all] A Laszlo Cravensworth.
- [band plays] - [laughter]
- Women can be funny. - [band stops playing]
- [glass breaking] - Ooh.
Some describe Laszlo
as a man of arts and letters.
[quiet laughter]
I can think of a couple of letters to describe Laszlo.
"F" and "W."
Uh, no, not "W." Uh, "U."
- [rim shot] - Sorry. It was supposed to be "F" and...
- [rim shot] - I think I'm just going
to tell a story.
A story called "The Aristocrats."
Ah, shit. Oh, I wasn't supposed to say the name till the end.
Forget I said the name of it.
Um, anyway, a father, a mother, a son
and a daughter walk into a talent agent's office.
And the... the father says,
"Boy, have I got an act for you!"
Uh, and the talent agent says, "Well, let's see it then."
Oh, and-and there's a... a dog.
Uh, the family dog. That's important to note.
- [lively jazz playing] - [applause]
- [rim shot] - Up next, we have a man
who knows more about roasting than his beloved Arby's.
- [rim shot] - [scattered laughter]
- Hmm? - When this guy starts roasting a vampire,
you better bring a bun, and also some ketchup.
- [rim shot] - [laughter] - I don't get it.
[Guide] I did whisper to the baron that
it was Guillermo who opened the door
that let the sun come in to burn his body into bits, you know,
a few years ago because
he didn't know what the joke was.
And I was trying to help him, 'cause being left out of a joke,
it sucks.
[Nandor] So give it up for an expert
on raking 'em over the coals,
or should I say the foyer rug...
- Okay, okay. Thank you. - [rim shot]
[Guide] And then I did also mention
that Guillermo had Van Helsing lineage.
That one just slipped out.
So, we are all here tonight to honor Laszlo Cravensworth.
Cravensworth? I'm more like,
Cravensworth-less.
- [rimshot] - [laughter]
Might I say a word or two?
Yes, absolutely, Baron. Please vacate
the microphone for the baron. Please welcome a man
who knows quite a lot about... sick burns.
[rim shots, laughter]
Baron Afanas.
- [music plays] - [whooping, applause]
Look at this festive assembly.
All of us, gathered here together,
chuckling at jokes and silliness.
- [laughter] - And jackanapery.
[rim shots]
I guess there's only one thing left to say.
What is this shit?
- [rim shot] - [laughter]
[laughs] Very good.
[Baron] You call yourselves vampires?
Bah. This entire evening has been nothing but
a pageant of insipid nonsense.
[laughing] Yes.
Worshipping at the altar of your own mediocre frivolity.
A jester's hollow dance.
And who is laughing?
Yeah! [whoops]
[grunts]
[Baron] Vampires are supposed to have
blood orgies and slaughter circles.
Gah! You have all gone soft.
You even invited humans to this asinine affair.
All right, you know what? Sean is cool.
He's a good time. I take that one back.
But everything else is an embarrassment
to the very word "vampire."
[Nandor] Baron, we just were
trying to, you know, cheer up Laszlo a bit.
He just hasn't been himself lately.
Vampires do not need cheering up!
- [electrical hissing and popping] - We vampires
are not cheerful creatures.
We sit, and we brood, for centuries on end,
plotting the demise of our foes and innocent bystanders alike!
- Oh, okay, I guess we didn't really see it like that-- - Uh!
- [Nadja whimpers] - And the worst part?
I find out only tonight
that you have all been keeping
secrets around here, have you not?
For years, I now know that you have been harboring
- a vampire killer... - [all gasping]
...right here under your own roof...
Uh...
...who, in fact, tried to kill me.
- [gasping] - What? What vampire--
Do not insult my intelligence!
So, vampire killer.
Do you have anything to say for yourself?
Well, I, uh--
It doesn't matter what you have to say! Seize him!
- Run! - [growling]
[audience exclaiming]
[panting]
[growling]
Baron, show him mercy!
Let us give you the very simple explanation!
[panting]
- Guillermo. - Guillermo.
- Are-are you o-- - [Nadja squeals]
- [Nadja coughing] Behind you. - What?
[coughing]
[gasps]
- [Nadja] Ooh. - [Nandor] Laszlo?
- Laszlo! - Yes, yes, very good. Thank you.
[grunting]
[panting]
[Baron groaning]
Baron, stop!
- It was just a mix-em-up! - [Nadja] A whoopsie-daisy!
- [Nandor yells] - Stay out of this!
[both yelling]
[grunts]
[car alarm sounding]
[growling]
[grunting]
[Baron] Gah!
- [car thudding] - [glass breaking]
- Don't film this. - [Nandor] Okay.
- Hey, guys. - Not now!
Oh, I just wanted to take a quick moment
to apologize for telling the baron
that it was Guillermo who burned him to a crisp.
- Not now. - That's on me.
- [Nandor] Are you done? - [Guide] Sorry.
You know what, Nandor? I think let's just sit this one out.
Let them two sort it out between themselves.
[Baron grunts]
- [Nandor gasps] - Hmm?
- Ah... - [grunts]
You are forgetting that Guillermo is a vampire killer.
Which means he could kill the baron.
We are direct descendants of the baron's vampiric line,
which means we would all die.
[Nadja] Maybe it wouldn't be such a bad thing
- if we ended up dying? - [Nandor] Wh... Are you okay?
Yeah.
I've just been going through a lot lately.
- [groans] - [Nadja] So... Fine.
if we want to live, then yes, I do have a plan.
Guillermo? [groans]
Nadja, anything?
No!
- No sign of Gizmo or the baron. - [groans]
Wait. Hang on. Hey!
- Come here, you little shit! - [groans]
[Nandor] Shit.
- What? - [Nadja] I got him!
Meet me out front!
She's got him! I'm coming!
- You got Guillermo? - No. The baron.
Are you telling me Baron Afanas cannot fight
his way out of a burlap sack?
I think he's injured.
We had quite the scuffle in there. [laughs]
[Guillermo] How badly is he hurt?
- [Nandor] There you are. - Because if he dies...
- Yes, we know. - [Nadja] Oh, shut up, Guillermo.
[Baron] Guillermo, help me.
These two imbeciles, they are trying to kill me.
You know, if you help the baron, he might forgive you.
Yeah. Okay, Baron. I want to help you.
- But you have to promise not to hurt me. - [Baron] Yes.
- I promise. Please. - Okay, then.
Let's just get you out of here. You're gonna be safe.
- And... [groans] - [electricity buzzing]
- [laughing] - All right, dudes.
Now what?
Yoo-hoo?
Baron?
We've got the little motherfucker, Baron!
- [gasps] - [shrieks]
Nicely done.
And now? Leave him to me.
Baron, we ask that you show Guillermo mercy.
- [groaning] - No! Ow.
What is the meaning of this?
- Sorry. - Terribly.
[roaring]
[Nandor] So, to review again, Baron...
- Mm-hmm. - ...you agree that
when Guillermo opened the door
and fried you by the sun,
he did not know that you were inside at the time?
I do.
Great. And, Guillermo,
you accept, even though it was an accident,
that the baron has every right to be very mad
at the fact that he got fried by the sun?
I-I do.
I will accept your apology if you will accept
- the fact that I'm still going to kill you. - [Guillermo] What?
- No. No. - Guillermo, he is trying to meet you in the middle here.
- Come on. - It's like he doesn't even want this to be resolved.
By my killing him.
No, I do want this to be resolved, but--
Okay, you know what? Let's take a hard five.
Guillermo, I will take a carafe of your finest blood.
Ah, yes. Okay. I will fetch.
Baron Afanas?
Yes, snake?
I can't help my vampire hunter lineage,
but I want you to know that I have renounced it.
[huffs] And how did you do this?
[muttering] Guillermo? This is dangerous territory.
I...
got turned into a vampire.
You...
...are a vampire?
Guillermo is a vampire? Did everybody else know this?
Delicious. Ah!
[laughs]
Oh, such a flamboyant, perverse betrayal of your own kind.
Oh, I like it a lot.
And kudos to Nandor.
Mm? To turn a Van Helsing,
a vampire killer, into a vampire?
Oh! Oh, that is a big get. [chuckles]
I must congratulate him when he returns.
[Guillermo] Well, see, that's the thing.
It wasn't Nandor that turned me.
What?
Oh, it was that vampire named Derek.
How could you do such a thing?
I've just been waiting for this a long time,
and yeah, it's still a bit sticky, but--
Oh, "sticky"?
I think it is a bit more than just "sticky."
It is a devastation. A violation.
A humiliation!
A shame from which neither you nor Nandor shall ever recover.
I know, I know, and that's exactly why I haven't told him.
And I would appreciate it if none of you
tell him, either.
You know me, I'm-I'm like a vault...
with stuff.
Yeah, and I'm not gonna tell anyone anything.
In fact, I'd very much like
to be excluded from this narrative.
Me, too. I should go.
Guillermo, you and I? We are good.
- Oh. - You all have much graver matters
to discuss here,
and I want no part of what might transpire if--
Here we go! Blood for the vampires.
- Baron. - Mm.
And a flat Pepsi for Guillermo.
- Thank you. - So, what did I miss?
Mm?
Oh, Guillermo and I have
called a truce.
A truce? So, you are not killing him, then?
Well, I will not be the one
to take this familiar's life tonight.
[Nandor] Oh, that's great.
Good to hear.
So good, in fact, I propose a toast.
To the baron, to Guillermo,
to the work we have achieved tonight.
Cheers!
[exhales]
- Oh, that's sweet. - May I?
Mm.
If I could have a moment alone with Guillermo?
- Alone. - Mm.
Yeah, no, please.
- Thank you, Nandor. - Yes, thank you, Baron.
Thank you.
[sighs]
Guillermo, vampire to vampire...
A secret like this,
it will not stay hidden forever.
It is best that Nandor hears it from you.
- I know. - Mm.
But...
what do you think he'll do?
Probably kill you.
Then himself.
That is what I would do.
- Right. - Mm.
You know, it's funny, I did all this because
I want to be a vampire, a great vampire.
- Like Nandor, like you. - Oh...
Your heart is in the right place, my boy.
And please know that I am rooting for you, hmm?
- To not get killed. - Oh. Thank you.
- But... these things happen. - Well, I hope not.
Can't afford another accident on my watch.
- [screams] - No! No!
- Guillermo, no! No, no! - Ah, no! [crying]
[Baron screaming]
Well, things were almost okay.
But now, not so much. [chuckles nervously]
As soon as the sun sets and the baron is awoken,
he is going to track Guillermo down until he is
very much, well...
- Dead. - Shut up.
I'm sure he will be safe.
And dead.
- [thunder rumbles] - [Nadja] Sunset approaches.
Is it me, or does he look like a shriveled-up nutsack?
- [Nadja] Laszlo? Any ideas? - Yes, yes, very good. Thank you.
[clock chiming]
[yawning]
Oh, good evening.
- Baron, listen. Guillermo is-- - Oh, where was I?
Ah, yes. About to kill Guillermo, yes.
Baron, I... I beg mercy.
I know that Guillermo has made some mistakes.
He nearly killed you twice.
- Mm. - And he's even massacred
an entire theater of vampires.
Wait, what?
But he did so to defend his master.
Whatever Guillermo's flaws may be,
he has always been loyal to me.
- Has he? - Yes, Baron.
Mm...
Has he, though?
Yes, Baron, he has.
You are certain of--
Yes! I-I am.
Well, I would just say it is complicated,
but we can discuss this further after I kill him, yes?
Now, where would he run?
[groans]
I will need Guillermo's scent.
- [sniffing] - [Laszlo] I say, Baron,
if you're looking for Gizmo, he's not here.
You'll find him in the toolshed.
That's where he goes to hide and wank.
Thank you.
Why would you say that?
Well, why delay the inevitable?
Plus, I was sick of hearing you lot waffle on.
If you'll excuse me...
[raspy roar]
[thunder rumbles]
[Nandor] Guillermo!
Well, at least he died doing what he loved:
beating off in the toolshed.
Oh... [whimpers]
Oh, no.
Oh...
Okay, now I'm starting to feel a little bad.
But on the bright side, he-he was just a familiar.
He was not just a familiar.
He was my bodyguard.
He was the best man at my wedding.
He was my friend.
Okay, yes, yes. It is all very sad.
But I think we should now get him in the ground
before he starts to stink.
Laszlo, can you come and help carry this, please?
- That's not Gizmo. - What do you mean it's not Gizmo?
What I mean is...
...it's not Gizmo.
- What are you doing? - Stand aside.
[Nandor] Laszlo, what are you doing?
Laszlo, I do not think we need to eat him.
- [grunts] - Ooh, yeesh! - [Nandor] Stop that!
Stop that!
[Nadja and Nandor exclaim]
[Guide] Eesh.
[all exclaim]
Does Gizmo have gills?
- You mean lungs? - [Laszlo] I mean gills.
So he can breathe underwater.
And does he have an amphibious egg sac?
- Maybe? - He never said. Uh... I never asked.
He wore a lot of layers.
It was hard to see what was going on under all that.
- [Guide] Oh! - [Nandor] Oh! Why do his eyes look like that?
[Lazlo] It's not Gizmo. It's a byproduct of
my scientific experimentation gone awry.
So, where is the real Guillermo, then?
Fucked if I know. Excuse me, my darling.
- Hmm? - [Baron] Ah, you know what?
[groans] I will let him go.
After all of that?
I was going on and on about all of you
and how you've gone soft.
Deep down...
...it is I who have gone soft.
- [Guide] What? - No.
- [Nandor] Ridiculous. - Let us be candid here.
I live in the suburbs of New Jersey.
In a two-bedroom craftsman
with a breakfast nook.
- Oh, hello. - None of my neighbors
live in fear of me.
I have a dog.
A hellhound, but I get it.
[Baron] Good boy.
[exhales]
But what about the Sire?
Two ancient legendary vampires.
At this point, we are more like roommates
than roommates who viciously murder humans
together, you know?
It can be lonely, this American dream.
[raspy groans]
[Baron] What the fuck is that?
- [Nadja] Laszlo! - [Laszlo] What is it now?
Huh. Well, that one's clearly pregnant.
[croaks, screeches]
[thunder rumbles]
♪ ♪
It's hard to believe I'll never see Guillermo again.
I hope he is okay out there.
[distant thunder crashing]
Pretty sure I told him to dust in here.
Fly like the wind, my little friend.
[grunting]
Guillermo! You're here.
I just figured this would be
the last place the Baron would look.
- Is he still looking? - No, no. But hang on.
We've had one mix-up already today.
How do I know you are the real Guillermo?
Master, it's me.
What is Guillermo's last name?
De La Cruz.
But I doubt I'm the only one who would know that.
You'd be surprised, but fine. It's a gimme.
How does Guillermo do my hair on formal occasions?
- Half up, half down. - Also known as...?
Half down, half up?
Ah, so close.
I was looking for "Saratoga split."
- The Saratoga Split. - [muttering]
- I should have known that one. - Last one.
The first day that Guillermo became my familiar,
he gave me a card.
What did that card say?
It said...
"To be a vampire is my dream.
"But to be your familiar
"will be my honor.
Thank you for this opportunity."
Close enough.
Okay, you're the real Guillermo. Excuse me.
I can't believe you remember that.
We have a long history, Guillermo.
I imagine that I know you better than almost anyone.
Enough to know when you have been keeping a little secret...
from me? Hmm?
Is there something you'd like to tell me?
I... I d--
You made a fart in my coffin, didn't you?
[quietly] I made a fart in your coffin.
See? I know you better than anyone. Boop.
[Nadja] So it seems that everything worked out?
Kind of?
To be honest, I can't really keep track of
whatever the fuck is going on around here.
But I did find a new home for
these disgusting little Guillermo toads,
so there's that.
As you can see, I came home from Staten Island
with a bit more than just a charred-up body.
Vampire says, "Freeze."
This charming litter of mutants.
Show your fangs.
- [screeches] - [Baron laughs]
I did not say, "Vampire says!"
It's given the Sire and me
so much that we can do together.
[laughs]
And thanks to Guillermo,
for the first time in a long time...
Hello. [growls]
[dog barking]
...I am terrifying again.
[laughing]
I suppose with the right company,
it can be beautiful, this eternal existence.
Eh. Not all of them make it.
[flushes]
[sighs]
[exhales]
I just wish you would talk to me, Laszlo.
Yes, yes. Very good, thank you.
I mean, is it something I've done?
Is this hex that
I've been cursed with that hangs all around me
made me, in your eyes, like an uggo or something?
Oh, yes! That's it.
- What's it? - Despite the frequent interruptions,
I've been sat here trying to decide
if I should organize my books
alphabetically by author, or by title.
But you've been sat here for three weeks.
Time well-spent, I think. And I've decided--
you'd be pleased to know-- author.
First thought, best thought.
Have I missed anything good?
No!
- [laughing] - This guy.
♪ Baby ♪
♪ You can get a kiss in the morning ♪
♪ And maybe ♪
♪ You can get a kiss in the night ♪
♪ Baby ♪
♪ You can get a kiss in the morning ♪
♪ Maybe you're not Mr. Right ♪
♪ Maybe you're not Mr. Right. ♪
Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org