1
00:00:13,781 --> 00:00:15,483
[sniffles]
2
00:00:15,483 --> 00:00:18,219
Darling, are you okay?
3
00:00:18,219 --> 00:00:20,488
Yes, yes, very good. Thank you.
4
00:00:20,488 --> 00:00:22,323
[Nadja]
Something is wrong with Laszlo.
5
00:00:22,323 --> 00:00:24,492
It has been like this
a few weeks now.
6
00:00:24,492 --> 00:00:27,528
He just sits in the library,
staring off into space.
7
00:00:27,528 --> 00:00:29,230
I have never seen him
like this before.
8
00:00:29,230 --> 00:00:32,233
Ah, Laszlo,
I've just been reading this book
9
00:00:32,233 --> 00:00:34,268
about the Battle
Of Quiberon Bay.
10
00:00:34,268 --> 00:00:36,203
Could you explain to me
the difference between
11
00:00:36,203 --> 00:00:40,074
an Endymion-class frigate
and a brigantine?
12
00:00:40,074 --> 00:00:42,944
Yes, yes, very good. Thank you.
13
00:00:42,944 --> 00:00:44,812
[Nadja]
I fear I am to blame.
14
00:00:44,812 --> 00:00:46,514
Laszlo is so worried
about this hex
15
00:00:46,514 --> 00:00:48,282
that is ruining my eternal life
16
00:00:48,282 --> 00:00:50,251
that he is emotionally depleted.
17
00:00:50,251 --> 00:00:51,786
[Nandor]
Sadly, I think it is
18
00:00:51,786 --> 00:00:53,888
because
his world has been rocked
19
00:00:53,888 --> 00:00:56,490
by the fact
that I am in such a good place.
20
00:00:56,490 --> 00:00:59,794
Actually,
I keep having these dreams
21
00:00:59,794 --> 00:01:02,430
where I'm a small child,
22
00:01:02,430 --> 00:01:05,266
and Laszlo is... my daddy.
23
00:01:05,266 --> 00:01:08,202
Oh, that is actually because
that did happen, Colin Robinson.
24
00:01:08,202 --> 00:01:11,339
I think I would remember
Laszlo wiping my bottom.
25
00:01:11,339 --> 00:01:12,907
- [chuckles]
- It's 'cause he did.
26
00:01:12,907 --> 00:01:14,308
Though, to be fair, that...
27
00:01:14,308 --> 00:01:16,344
that is what's happening
28
00:01:16,344 --> 00:01:18,212
- in-in the dream.
- Ew.
- Please stop.
29
00:01:18,212 --> 00:01:19,814
[quietly]
Laszlo?
30
00:01:19,814 --> 00:01:21,148
Laszlo?
31
00:01:21,148 --> 00:01:22,917
Yeah, it's my fault.
32
00:01:22,917 --> 00:01:24,285
Laszlo's been working so hard
to figure out
33
00:01:24,285 --> 00:01:25,953
why I'm not
a full vampire yet.
34
00:01:25,953 --> 00:01:27,989
- And Laszlo hates defeat, so,
- [groaning]
35
00:01:27,989 --> 00:01:29,290
I think it's broken his brain.
36
00:01:29,290 --> 00:01:30,257
[whispering]
Laszlo, I just want you
37
00:01:30,257 --> 00:01:31,425
to know that it's okay.
38
00:01:31,425 --> 00:01:32,927
- You did your best.
- Gizmo?
39
00:01:32,927 --> 00:01:35,029
Ah. Yes.
Yes, I'm here for you.
40
00:01:35,029 --> 00:01:36,330
Yes, yes, very good. Thank you.
41
00:01:36,330 --> 00:01:39,033
[Nadja]
Even his libido is out of whack.
42
00:01:39,033 --> 00:01:42,069
I mean, we are down to, like,
only 16 fucks a week.
43
00:01:42,069 --> 00:01:44,238
We are down to just three.
44
00:01:44,238 --> 00:01:47,375
I can't even get enough
of a rise out of him
45
00:01:47,375 --> 00:01:48,909
for a mini-drain.
46
00:01:48,909 --> 00:01:50,811
Oh, good Lord. Ooh!
47
00:01:50,811 --> 00:01:54,949
Does the limited warranty cover
the power cord, or just
48
00:01:54,949 --> 00:01:57,218
- the main unit itself?
- Ooh, I have been
hammering so hard
49
00:01:57,218 --> 00:01:59,754
- on these big nails.
- Good one, Jimbo.
You got me there.
50
00:01:59,754 --> 00:02:01,789
- Yeah, no, I'd love
to go on hold. Sure.
- Ooh. Ooh.
51
00:02:01,789 --> 00:02:03,291
- [Muzak plays over phone]
- Let's pound some rivets, baby.
52
00:02:03,291 --> 00:02:04,992
[Nandor]
Look what I found.
53
00:02:04,992 --> 00:02:07,094
A big box of ships
and pornography.
54
00:02:07,094 --> 00:02:09,229
Yes, yes, very good. Thank you.
55
00:02:10,297 --> 00:02:12,400
["You're Dead"
by Norma Tanega playing]
56
00:02:12,400 --> 00:02:15,002
♪ Don't sing if you want
to live long ♪
57
00:02:15,002 --> 00:02:17,371
♪ They have no use
for your song ♪
58
00:02:17,371 --> 00:02:20,107
♪ You're dead, you're dead,
you're dead ♪
59
00:02:20,107 --> 00:02:23,043
♪ You're dead
and out of this world ♪
60
00:02:24,478 --> 00:02:27,515
♪ Now your hope and compassion
is gone ♪
61
00:02:27,515 --> 00:02:30,318
♪ You sold out your dream
to the world ♪
62
00:02:30,318 --> 00:02:32,787
♪ Stay dead, stay dead,
stay dead ♪
63
00:02:32,787 --> 00:02:34,889
♪ You're dead
and out of this world. ♪
64
00:02:34,889 --> 00:02:37,190
♪ ♪
65
00:02:44,965 --> 00:02:47,301
[Nandor]
Ugh. Anything?
66
00:02:47,301 --> 00:02:49,370
Remember:
there are no stupid ideas,
67
00:02:49,370 --> 00:02:51,739
just stupid people. [groans]
68
00:02:51,739 --> 00:02:53,341
What do we know about Laszlo?
69
00:02:53,341 --> 00:02:55,242
[Nadja]
Guillermo, you spend
70
00:02:55,242 --> 00:02:58,045
a lot of your life
being very miserable and sad.
71
00:02:58,045 --> 00:03:00,081
Do you have any ideas?
72
00:03:00,081 --> 00:03:03,117
- Okay.
- Is it all right
if I pitch an idea?
73
00:03:03,117 --> 00:03:06,954
What about
if we threw Laszlo a roast?
74
00:03:06,954 --> 00:03:10,391
Right? Where we all give
funny speeches about Laszlo,
75
00:03:10,391 --> 00:03:12,059
kind of tease him a little bit,
76
00:03:12,059 --> 00:03:14,328
and it just makes him so happy
for some reason?
77
00:03:14,328 --> 00:03:15,930
[Nandor sighs]
78
00:03:15,930 --> 00:03:18,399
- Hold on! I've got one.
- Yes?
79
00:03:18,399 --> 00:03:19,467
- Nope. Lost it.
- [Nandor sighs]
80
00:03:19,467 --> 00:03:20,768
[Colin]
What if--
81
00:03:20,768 --> 00:03:22,136
hear me out on this--
82
00:03:22,136 --> 00:03:25,506
what if we threw Laszlo a roast?
83
00:03:25,506 --> 00:03:26,741
[Nadja]
Love that idea!
84
00:03:26,741 --> 00:03:29,176
Now, this is an idea I like!
85
00:03:29,176 --> 00:03:31,979
- [laughing] I just said that.
- [Nandor] How did you
think of that?
86
00:03:31,979 --> 00:03:33,447
- [Guide] I said it so loud.
- [Nadja] Well done, Colin.
87
00:03:35,015 --> 00:03:38,051
No peeking, cheeky.
[counting in Greek]
88
00:03:40,120 --> 00:03:41,956
[all]
Surprise!
89
00:03:41,956 --> 00:03:44,758
- [upbeat jazz playing]
- [cheering]
90
00:03:47,394 --> 00:03:50,931
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the official roast
91
00:03:50,931 --> 00:03:54,168
of Leslie "Laszlo" Cravensworth!
92
00:03:54,168 --> 00:03:56,404
[applause and cheering]
93
00:03:56,404 --> 00:04:00,508
Yes, Laszlo,
this night is for you.
94
00:04:00,508 --> 00:04:02,410
Just look at this crowd!
95
00:04:02,410 --> 00:04:05,246
- [laughs]
- We gathered all
96
00:04:05,246 --> 00:04:09,250
the people that love you
into this one room.
97
00:04:09,250 --> 00:04:11,185
And then when we saw
all the empty chairs,
98
00:04:11,185 --> 00:04:14,088
we decided to drag some randos
in off the street to fill them!
99
00:04:14,088 --> 00:04:16,791
- [drum plays rim shot]
- [laughter]
100
00:04:16,791 --> 00:04:20,962
So many illustrious guests
here on the dais tonight.
101
00:04:20,962 --> 00:04:23,030
And also Colin Robinson.
102
00:04:23,030 --> 00:04:24,865
- [rim shot]
- [laughter]
103
00:04:24,865 --> 00:04:27,268
He got me. I got got.
104
00:04:27,268 --> 00:04:30,037
Our neighbor Sean is here.
105
00:04:30,037 --> 00:04:32,873
- Hey-yo! [laughs]
- [Nandor] Don't worry.
we hypnotized him
106
00:04:32,873 --> 00:04:35,810
so he's not gonna remember
anything tomorrow.
107
00:04:35,810 --> 00:04:38,179
- Seanie.
- Seanie.
108
00:04:38,179 --> 00:04:42,283
I see the great Baron Afanas
is here this evening,
109
00:04:42,283 --> 00:04:46,921
restored to his original
splendor, thank goodness.
110
00:04:46,921 --> 00:04:49,857
For a couple of years,
the baron looked a lot like
111
00:04:49,857 --> 00:04:53,194
if George Hamilton had had sex
with some pork rinds.
112
00:04:53,194 --> 00:04:55,196
- [rim shot]
- [laughter]
113
00:04:55,196 --> 00:04:58,298
- Hmm.
- I see that The Guide
is also here.
114
00:05:01,568 --> 00:05:05,006
So, everyone, please join me
115
00:05:05,006 --> 00:05:07,074
in saluting the man of the hour,
116
00:05:07,074 --> 00:05:10,011
the one, the only
Laszlo Cravensworth.
117
00:05:10,011 --> 00:05:11,412
- [whooping]
- [applause]
118
00:05:11,412 --> 00:05:13,748
We've known each other
so many, many years,
119
00:05:13,748 --> 00:05:15,216
you know.
120
00:05:15,216 --> 00:05:17,852
We can practically finish
each other's hand jobs.
121
00:05:17,852 --> 00:05:19,453
- [rim shot]
- [laughter]
- Yes, yes, very good. Thank you.
122
00:05:19,453 --> 00:05:21,155
We are just getting started.
It is your roast.
123
00:05:21,155 --> 00:05:23,157
A one, a two,
a one, two, three, four.
124
00:05:23,157 --> 00:05:24,992
- [lively jazz playing]
- It's Laszlo's roast.
125
00:05:24,992 --> 00:05:27,261
- It is his...
- [all] Roast.
126
00:05:27,261 --> 00:05:29,163
- It's Laszlo's...
- [all] Roast!
127
00:05:29,163 --> 00:05:30,864
We'll be back right after this.
128
00:05:36,103 --> 00:05:37,805
If you think
the missionary position involves
129
00:05:37,805 --> 00:05:39,073
lying on top of a missionary,
130
00:05:39,073 --> 00:05:42,243
you might be
a Laszlo Cravensworth!
131
00:05:42,243 --> 00:05:44,779
- [laughter]
- [rim shot]
- If the first thing
132
00:05:44,779 --> 00:05:47,448
you look for
in a woman is your dick,
133
00:05:47,448 --> 00:05:49,183
you might just be...
134
00:05:49,183 --> 00:05:51,786
a Laszlo Cravensworth!
135
00:05:51,786 --> 00:05:53,521
- [rim shot]
- [laughter]
- [man] Hey!
136
00:05:53,521 --> 00:05:56,257
If you think ejaculating
onto the pillow counts
137
00:05:56,257 --> 00:06:00,094
as "cooking your wife dinner,"
you might just be...
138
00:06:00,094 --> 00:06:02,396
[all]
A Laszlo Cravensworth.
139
00:06:02,396 --> 00:06:04,465
- [band plays]
- [laughter]
140
00:06:04,465 --> 00:06:06,767
- Women can be funny.
- [band stops playing]
141
00:06:08,502 --> 00:06:09,971
- [glass breaking]
- Ooh.
142
00:06:09,971 --> 00:06:12,239
Some describe Laszlo
143
00:06:12,239 --> 00:06:15,042
as a man of arts and letters.
144
00:06:15,042 --> 00:06:16,844
[quiet laughter]
145
00:06:16,844 --> 00:06:19,847
I can think of a couple
of letters to describe Laszlo.
146
00:06:19,847 --> 00:06:22,883
"F" and "W."
147
00:06:23,951 --> 00:06:28,322
Uh, no, not "W." Uh, "U."
148
00:06:28,322 --> 00:06:30,858
- [rim shot]
- Sorry. It was supposed
to be "F" and...
149
00:06:30,858 --> 00:06:32,927
- [rim shot]
- I think I'm just going
150
00:06:32,927 --> 00:06:34,929
to tell a story.
151
00:06:34,929 --> 00:06:38,065
A story called
"The Aristocrats."
152
00:06:38,065 --> 00:06:41,802
Ah, shit. Oh, I wasn't supposed
to say the name till the end.
153
00:06:41,802 --> 00:06:43,471
Forget I said the name of it.
154
00:06:43,471 --> 00:06:46,774
Um, anyway, a father,
a mother, a son
155
00:06:46,774 --> 00:06:50,978
and a daughter walk
into a talent agent's office.
156
00:06:50,978 --> 00:06:52,913
And the... the father says,
157
00:06:52,913 --> 00:06:55,483
"Boy, have I got an act
for you!"
158
00:06:55,483 --> 00:07:00,221
Uh, and the talent agent says,
"Well, let's see it then."
159
00:07:00,221 --> 00:07:02,923
Oh, and-and
there's a... a dog.
160
00:07:02,923 --> 00:07:05,860
Uh, the family dog.
That's important to note.
161
00:07:05,860 --> 00:07:07,995
- [lively jazz playing]
- [applause]
162
00:07:07,995 --> 00:07:11,465
- [rim shot]
- Up next, we have a man
163
00:07:11,465 --> 00:07:16,470
who knows more about roasting
than his beloved Arby's.
164
00:07:16,470 --> 00:07:18,306
- [rim shot]
- [scattered laughter]
165
00:07:18,306 --> 00:07:21,442
- Hmm?
- When this guy starts
roasting a vampire,
166
00:07:21,442 --> 00:07:24,845
you better bring a bun,
and also some ketchup.
167
00:07:24,845 --> 00:07:27,448
- [rim shot]
- [laughter]
- I don't get it.
168
00:07:27,448 --> 00:07:30,851
[Guide] I did whisper
to the baron that
169
00:07:30,851 --> 00:07:33,054
it was Guillermo
who opened the door
170
00:07:33,054 --> 00:07:36,357
that let the sun come in to burn
his body into bits, you know,
171
00:07:36,357 --> 00:07:38,059
a few years ago because
172
00:07:38,059 --> 00:07:39,994
he didn't know
what the joke was.
173
00:07:39,994 --> 00:07:42,463
And I was trying to help him,
'cause being left out of a joke,
174
00:07:42,463 --> 00:07:43,998
it sucks.
175
00:07:43,998 --> 00:07:45,933
[Nandor]
So give it up for an expert
176
00:07:45,933 --> 00:07:47,868
on raking 'em over the coals,
177
00:07:47,868 --> 00:07:49,170
or should I say the foyer rug...
178
00:07:49,170 --> 00:07:50,504
- Okay, okay. Thank you.
- [rim shot]
179
00:07:50,504 --> 00:07:52,073
[Guide]
And then I did also mention
180
00:07:52,073 --> 00:07:53,975
that Guillermo had
Van Helsing lineage.
181
00:07:53,975 --> 00:07:56,210
That one just slipped out.
182
00:07:56,210 --> 00:08:00,448
So, we are all here tonight
to honor Laszlo Cravensworth.
183
00:08:00,448 --> 00:08:03,451
Cravensworth? I'm more like,
184
00:08:03,451 --> 00:08:05,920
Cravensworth-less.
185
00:08:05,920 --> 00:08:07,455
- [rimshot]
- [laughter]
186
00:08:07,455 --> 00:08:09,991
Might I say a word or two?
187
00:08:09,991 --> 00:08:12,193
Yes, absolutely, Baron.
Please vacate
188
00:08:12,193 --> 00:08:14,929
the microphone for the baron.
Please welcome a man
189
00:08:14,929 --> 00:08:18,933
who knows quite a lot
about... sick burns.
190
00:08:18,933 --> 00:08:22,069
[rim shots, laughter]
191
00:08:22,069 --> 00:08:23,971
Baron Afanas.
192
00:08:23,971 --> 00:08:27,007
- [music plays]
- [whooping, applause]
193
00:08:28,542 --> 00:08:31,379
Look at this festive assembly.
194
00:08:31,379 --> 00:08:33,781
All of us,
gathered here together,
195
00:08:33,781 --> 00:08:36,350
chuckling at jokes
and silliness.
196
00:08:36,350 --> 00:08:38,919
- [laughter]
- And jackanapery.
197
00:08:38,919 --> 00:08:40,321
[rim shots]
198
00:08:40,321 --> 00:08:42,990
I guess there's only one thing
left to say.
199
00:08:42,990 --> 00:08:45,960
What is this shit?
200
00:08:45,960 --> 00:08:47,528
- [rim shot]
- [laughter]
201
00:08:47,528 --> 00:08:49,096
[laughs] Very good.
202
00:08:49,096 --> 00:08:51,465
[Baron]
You call yourselves vampires?
203
00:08:51,465 --> 00:08:55,002
Bah. This entire evening
has been nothing but
204
00:08:55,002 --> 00:08:57,438
a pageant of insipid nonsense.
205
00:08:57,438 --> 00:08:59,307
[laughing] Yes.
206
00:08:59,307 --> 00:09:02,843
Worshipping at the altar
of your own mediocre frivolity.
207
00:09:02,843 --> 00:09:05,313
A jester's hollow dance.
208
00:09:05,313 --> 00:09:06,814
And who is laughing?
209
00:09:06,814 --> 00:09:08,316
Yeah! [whoops]
210
00:09:08,316 --> 00:09:10,518
[grunts]
211
00:09:10,518 --> 00:09:12,219
[Baron]
Vampires are supposed to have
212
00:09:12,219 --> 00:09:15,957
blood orgies
and slaughter circles.
213
00:09:15,957 --> 00:09:18,192
Gah! You have all gone soft.
214
00:09:18,192 --> 00:09:21,462
You even invited humans
to this asinine affair.
215
00:09:21,462 --> 00:09:22,930
All right, you know what?
Sean is cool.
216
00:09:22,930 --> 00:09:24,198
He's a good time.
I take that one back.
217
00:09:24,198 --> 00:09:26,467
But everything else is
an embarrassment
218
00:09:26,467 --> 00:09:28,869
to the very word "vampire."
219
00:09:29,937 --> 00:09:31,372
[Nandor]
Baron, we just were
220
00:09:31,372 --> 00:09:33,808
trying to, you know,
cheer up Laszlo a bit.
221
00:09:33,808 --> 00:09:36,077
He just hasn't
been himself lately.
222
00:09:36,077 --> 00:09:39,347
Vampires do not need
cheering up!
223
00:09:39,347 --> 00:09:42,249
- [electrical hissing
and popping]
- We vampires
224
00:09:42,249 --> 00:09:44,452
are not cheerful creatures.
225
00:09:44,452 --> 00:09:47,822
We sit, and we brood,
for centuries on end,
226
00:09:47,822 --> 00:09:51,459
plotting the demise of our foes
and innocent bystanders alike!
227
00:09:51,459 --> 00:09:54,328
- Oh, okay, I guess we didn't
really see it like that--
- Uh!
228
00:09:54,328 --> 00:09:56,797
- [Nadja whimpers]
- And the worst part?
229
00:09:56,797 --> 00:09:59,333
I find out only tonight
230
00:09:59,333 --> 00:10:01,102
that you have all been keeping
231
00:10:01,102 --> 00:10:04,338
secrets around here,
have you not?
232
00:10:04,338 --> 00:10:09,477
For years, I now know
that you have been harboring
233
00:10:09,477 --> 00:10:13,247
- a vampire killer...
- [all gasping]
234
00:10:13,247 --> 00:10:15,950
...right here
under your own roof...
235
00:10:15,950 --> 00:10:17,451
Uh...
236
00:10:17,451 --> 00:10:21,088
...who, in fact,
tried to kill me.
237
00:10:21,088 --> 00:10:22,957
- [gasping]
- What? What vampire--
238
00:10:22,957 --> 00:10:24,925
Do not insult my intelligence!
239
00:10:24,925 --> 00:10:28,762
So, vampire killer.
240
00:10:31,231 --> 00:10:34,802
Do you have anything
to say for yourself?
241
00:10:34,802 --> 00:10:36,170
Well, I, uh--
242
00:10:36,170 --> 00:10:38,439
It doesn't matter
what you have to say! Seize him!
243
00:10:38,439 --> 00:10:40,508
- Run!
- [growling]
244
00:10:40,508 --> 00:10:42,777
[audience exclaiming]
245
00:10:42,777 --> 00:10:44,811
[panting]
246
00:10:46,880 --> 00:10:48,916
[growling]
247
00:10:51,285 --> 00:10:53,788
Baron, show him mercy!
248
00:10:53,788 --> 00:10:56,323
Let us give you
the very simple explanation!
249
00:11:00,861 --> 00:11:03,163
[panting]
250
00:11:04,999 --> 00:11:06,801
- Guillermo.
- Guillermo.
251
00:11:06,801 --> 00:11:07,968
- Are-are you o--
- [Nadja squeals]
252
00:11:08,769 --> 00:11:10,972
- [Nadja coughing] Behind you.
- What?
253
00:11:10,972 --> 00:11:12,773
[coughing]
254
00:11:12,773 --> 00:11:14,508
[gasps]
255
00:11:14,508 --> 00:11:16,377
- [Nadja] Ooh.
- [Nandor] Laszlo?
256
00:11:16,377 --> 00:11:19,513
- Laszlo!
- Yes, yes, very good. Thank you.
257
00:11:19,513 --> 00:11:22,850
[grunting]
258
00:11:22,850 --> 00:11:24,819
[panting]
259
00:11:24,819 --> 00:11:26,753
[Baron groaning]
260
00:11:33,260 --> 00:11:35,196
Baron, stop!
261
00:11:35,196 --> 00:11:37,932
- It was just a mix-em-up!
- [Nadja] A whoopsie-daisy!
262
00:11:37,932 --> 00:11:39,533
- [Nandor yells]
- Stay out of this!
263
00:11:39,533 --> 00:11:40,901
[both yelling]
264
00:11:42,303 --> 00:11:43,471
[grunts]
265
00:11:43,471 --> 00:11:46,307
[car alarm sounding]
266
00:11:46,307 --> 00:11:47,975
[growling]
267
00:11:47,975 --> 00:11:50,410
[grunting]
268
00:11:52,279 --> 00:11:54,215
[Baron] Gah!
269
00:11:54,215 --> 00:11:56,450
- [car thudding]
- [glass breaking]
270
00:11:56,450 --> 00:11:58,252
- Don't film this.
- [Nandor] Okay.
271
00:11:58,252 --> 00:12:00,187
- Hey, guys.
- Not now!
272
00:12:00,187 --> 00:12:01,989
Oh, I just wanted
to take a quick moment
273
00:12:01,989 --> 00:12:03,991
to apologize
for telling the baron
274
00:12:03,991 --> 00:12:06,060
that it was Guillermo
who burned him to a crisp.
275
00:12:06,060 --> 00:12:07,828
- Not now.
- That's on me.
276
00:12:07,828 --> 00:12:10,030
- [Nandor] Are you done?
- [Guide] Sorry.
277
00:12:10,798 --> 00:12:12,967
You know what, Nandor? I think
let's just sit this one out.
278
00:12:12,967 --> 00:12:14,802
Let them two sort it out
between themselves.
279
00:12:14,802 --> 00:12:15,836
[Baron grunts]
280
00:12:15,836 --> 00:12:16,804
- [Nandor gasps]
- Hmm?
281
00:12:16,804 --> 00:12:18,439
- Ah...
- [grunts]
282
00:12:18,439 --> 00:12:21,809
You are forgetting that
Guillermo is a vampire killer.
283
00:12:21,809 --> 00:12:23,444
Which means he could kill
the baron.
284
00:12:23,444 --> 00:12:25,913
We are direct descendants
of the baron's vampiric line,
285
00:12:25,913 --> 00:12:27,481
which means we would all die.
286
00:12:27,481 --> 00:12:29,917
[Nadja] Maybe it wouldn't be
such a bad thing
287
00:12:29,917 --> 00:12:31,185
- if we ended up dying?
- [Nandor] Wh... Are you okay?
288
00:12:31,185 --> 00:12:32,787
Yeah.
289
00:12:32,787 --> 00:12:34,789
I've just been going
through a lot lately.
290
00:12:34,789 --> 00:12:36,824
- [groans]
- [Nadja] So... Fine.
291
00:12:36,824 --> 00:12:39,760
if we want to live, then yes,
I do have a plan.
292
00:12:44,999 --> 00:12:46,934
Guillermo? [groans]
293
00:12:46,934 --> 00:12:48,469
Nadja, anything?
294
00:12:48,469 --> 00:12:49,971
No!
295
00:12:49,971 --> 00:12:51,772
- No sign of Gizmo or the baron.
- [groans]
296
00:12:51,772 --> 00:12:53,307
Wait. Hang on. Hey!
297
00:12:53,307 --> 00:12:55,476
- Come here, you little shit!
- [groans]
298
00:12:55,476 --> 00:12:56,844
[Nandor] Shit.
299
00:12:56,844 --> 00:12:58,112
- What?
- [Nadja] I got him!
300
00:12:58,112 --> 00:12:59,180
Meet me out front!
301
00:12:59,180 --> 00:13:02,816
She's got him! I'm coming!
302
00:13:04,351 --> 00:13:07,455
- You got Guillermo?
- No. The baron.
303
00:13:07,455 --> 00:13:09,523
Are you telling me
Baron Afanas cannot fight
304
00:13:09,523 --> 00:13:11,192
his way out of a burlap sack?
305
00:13:11,192 --> 00:13:12,493
I think he's injured.
306
00:13:12,493 --> 00:13:14,462
We had quite the scuffle
in there. [laughs]
307
00:13:14,462 --> 00:13:16,063
[Guillermo]
How badly is he hurt?
308
00:13:16,063 --> 00:13:17,465
- [Nandor] There you are.
- Because if he dies...
309
00:13:17,465 --> 00:13:18,866
- Yes, we know.
- [Nadja] Oh, shut up, Guillermo.
310
00:13:18,866 --> 00:13:20,801
[Baron]
Guillermo, help me.
311
00:13:20,801 --> 00:13:24,372
These two imbeciles,
they are trying to kill me.
312
00:13:24,372 --> 00:13:26,907
You know, if you help
the baron, he might forgive you.
313
00:13:26,907 --> 00:13:30,945
Yeah. Okay, Baron.
I want to help you.
314
00:13:30,945 --> 00:13:33,214
- But you have to promise
not to hurt me.
- [Baron] Yes.
315
00:13:33,214 --> 00:13:35,049
- I promise. Please.
- Okay, then.
316
00:13:35,049 --> 00:13:36,517
Let's just get you out of here.
You're gonna be safe.
317
00:13:36,517 --> 00:13:38,519
- And... [groans]
- [electricity buzzing]
318
00:13:38,519 --> 00:13:41,088
- [laughing]
- All right, dudes.
319
00:13:41,088 --> 00:13:42,089
Now what?
320
00:13:42,089 --> 00:13:43,924
Yoo-hoo?
321
00:13:43,924 --> 00:13:45,326
Baron?
322
00:13:45,326 --> 00:13:47,528
We've got the little
motherfucker, Baron!
323
00:13:47,528 --> 00:13:49,329
- [gasps]
- [shrieks]
324
00:13:50,297 --> 00:13:51,399
Nicely done.
325
00:13:51,399 --> 00:13:53,267
And now? Leave him to me.
326
00:13:53,267 --> 00:13:55,836
Baron, we ask that you show
Guillermo mercy.
327
00:13:55,836 --> 00:13:57,938
- [groaning]
- No! Ow.
328
00:14:02,476 --> 00:14:04,077
What is the meaning of this?
329
00:14:05,212 --> 00:14:06,948
- Sorry.
- Terribly.
330
00:14:06,948 --> 00:14:08,783
[roaring]
331
00:14:08,783 --> 00:14:11,118
[Nandor] So,
to review again, Baron...
332
00:14:11,118 --> 00:14:13,120
- Mm-hmm.
- ...you agree that
333
00:14:13,120 --> 00:14:15,222
when Guillermo opened the door
334
00:14:15,222 --> 00:14:17,191
and fried you by the sun,
335
00:14:17,191 --> 00:14:20,194
he did not know that you were
inside at the time?
336
00:14:20,194 --> 00:14:21,929
I do.
337
00:14:21,929 --> 00:14:23,364
Great. And, Guillermo,
338
00:14:23,364 --> 00:14:26,000
you accept,
even though it was an accident,
339
00:14:26,000 --> 00:14:29,437
that the baron has every right
to be very mad
340
00:14:29,437 --> 00:14:32,206
at the fact that
he got fried by the sun?
341
00:14:32,206 --> 00:14:33,841
I-I do.
342
00:14:33,841 --> 00:14:36,177
I will accept your apology
if you will accept
343
00:14:36,177 --> 00:14:38,779
- the fact that I'm still
going to kill you.
- [Guillermo] What?
344
00:14:38,779 --> 00:14:41,115
- No. No.
- Guillermo, he is trying to
meet you in the middle here.
345
00:14:41,115 --> 00:14:44,218
- Come on.
- It's like he doesn't even want
this to be resolved.
346
00:14:44,218 --> 00:14:46,187
By my killing him.
347
00:14:46,187 --> 00:14:47,855
No, I do want this
to be resolved, but--
348
00:14:47,855 --> 00:14:49,457
Okay, you know what?
Let's take a hard five.
349
00:14:49,457 --> 00:14:52,893
Guillermo, I will take a carafe
of your finest blood.
350
00:14:54,094 --> 00:14:57,097
Ah, yes. Okay.
I will fetch.
351
00:14:58,098 --> 00:14:59,200
Baron Afanas?
352
00:14:59,200 --> 00:15:01,234
Yes, snake?
353
00:15:02,870 --> 00:15:05,806
I can't help
my vampire hunter lineage,
354
00:15:05,806 --> 00:15:08,376
but I want you to know
that I have renounced it.
355
00:15:08,376 --> 00:15:11,178
[huffs]
And how did you do this?
356
00:15:11,178 --> 00:15:14,181
[muttering] Guillermo?
This is dangerous territory.
357
00:15:14,181 --> 00:15:16,183
I...
358
00:15:16,183 --> 00:15:18,085
got turned into a vampire.
359
00:15:19,086 --> 00:15:20,320
You...
360
00:15:21,355 --> 00:15:23,791
...are a vampire?
361
00:15:23,791 --> 00:15:27,761
Guillermo is a vampire?
Did everybody else know this?
362
00:15:29,096 --> 00:15:31,465
Delicious. Ah!
363
00:15:31,465 --> 00:15:33,534
[laughs]
364
00:15:33,534 --> 00:15:37,905
Oh, such a flamboyant, perverse
betrayal of your own kind.
365
00:15:37,905 --> 00:15:40,241
Oh, I like it a lot.
366
00:15:40,241 --> 00:15:41,809
And kudos to Nandor.
367
00:15:41,809 --> 00:15:44,345
Mm? To turn a Van Helsing,
368
00:15:44,345 --> 00:15:47,081
a vampire killer,
into a vampire?
369
00:15:47,081 --> 00:15:49,050
Oh! Oh, that is a big get.
[chuckles]
370
00:15:49,050 --> 00:15:50,818
I must congratulate him
when he returns.
371
00:15:50,818 --> 00:15:51,852
[Guillermo]
Well, see, that's the thing.
372
00:15:51,852 --> 00:15:54,355
It wasn't Nandor that turned me.
373
00:15:54,355 --> 00:15:55,856
What?
374
00:15:55,856 --> 00:15:58,192
Oh, it was that vampire
named Derek.
375
00:15:58,192 --> 00:16:00,061
How could you do such a thing?
376
00:16:00,061 --> 00:16:01,329
I've just been
waiting for this a long time,
377
00:16:01,329 --> 00:16:03,831
and yeah,
it's still a bit sticky, but--
378
00:16:03,831 --> 00:16:05,533
Oh, "sticky"?
379
00:16:05,533 --> 00:16:09,002
I think it is a bit more
than just "sticky."
380
00:16:10,337 --> 00:16:13,174
It is a devastation.
A violation.
381
00:16:13,174 --> 00:16:15,076
A humiliation!
382
00:16:15,076 --> 00:16:18,045
A shame from which neither you
nor Nandor shall ever recover.
383
00:16:18,045 --> 00:16:20,081
I know, I know, and that's
exactly why I haven't told him.
384
00:16:20,081 --> 00:16:22,316
And I would appreciate it
if none of you
385
00:16:22,316 --> 00:16:23,918
tell him, either.
386
00:16:23,918 --> 00:16:25,953
You know me,
I'm-I'm like a vault...
387
00:16:25,953 --> 00:16:27,388
with stuff.
388
00:16:27,388 --> 00:16:30,825
Yeah, and I'm not gonna tell
anyone anything.
389
00:16:30,825 --> 00:16:33,127
In fact, I'd very much like
390
00:16:33,127 --> 00:16:36,831
to be excluded
from this narrative.
391
00:16:36,831 --> 00:16:39,333
Me, too. I should go.
392
00:16:39,333 --> 00:16:40,968
Guillermo, you and I?
We are good.
393
00:16:40,968 --> 00:16:42,803
- Oh.
- You all have
much graver matters
394
00:16:42,803 --> 00:16:44,472
to discuss here,
395
00:16:44,472 --> 00:16:47,775
and I want no part of
what might transpire if--
396
00:16:47,775 --> 00:16:51,312
Here we go!
Blood for the vampires.
397
00:16:51,312 --> 00:16:52,446
- Baron.
- Mm.
398
00:16:52,446 --> 00:16:55,449
And a flat Pepsi for Guillermo.
399
00:16:55,449 --> 00:16:58,052
- Thank you.
- So, what did I miss?
400
00:16:58,052 --> 00:16:59,120
Mm?
401
00:16:59,120 --> 00:17:01,322
Oh, Guillermo and I have
402
00:17:01,322 --> 00:17:03,924
called a truce.
403
00:17:03,924 --> 00:17:06,927
A truce? So, you are not
killing him, then?
404
00:17:06,927 --> 00:17:09,530
Well, I will not be the one
405
00:17:09,530 --> 00:17:12,133
to take this
familiar's life tonight.
406
00:17:12,133 --> 00:17:13,467
[Nandor]
Oh, that's great.
407
00:17:13,467 --> 00:17:14,935
Good to hear.
408
00:17:14,935 --> 00:17:17,038
So good, in fact,
I propose a toast.
409
00:17:17,038 --> 00:17:19,307
To the baron, to Guillermo,
410
00:17:19,307 --> 00:17:21,442
to the work
we have achieved tonight.
411
00:17:21,442 --> 00:17:22,743
Cheers!
412
00:17:24,144 --> 00:17:25,479
[exhales]
413
00:17:26,814 --> 00:17:27,782
- Oh, that's sweet.
- May I?
414
00:17:27,782 --> 00:17:28,815
Mm.
415
00:17:30,851 --> 00:17:34,454
If I could have a moment
alone with Guillermo?
416
00:17:36,223 --> 00:17:38,192
- Alone.
- Mm.
417
00:17:38,192 --> 00:17:39,794
Yeah, no, please.
418
00:17:39,794 --> 00:17:41,329
- Thank you, Nandor.
- Yes, thank you, Baron.
419
00:17:41,329 --> 00:17:43,264
Thank you.
420
00:17:43,264 --> 00:17:44,966
[sighs]
421
00:17:44,966 --> 00:17:49,036
Guillermo, vampire to vampire...
422
00:17:50,070 --> 00:17:51,939
A secret like this,
423
00:17:51,939 --> 00:17:54,475
it will not stay hidden forever.
424
00:17:54,475 --> 00:17:57,979
It is best that
Nandor hears it from you.
425
00:17:57,979 --> 00:17:59,914
- I know.
- Mm.
426
00:17:59,914 --> 00:18:01,916
But...
427
00:18:01,916 --> 00:18:03,985
what do you think he'll do?
428
00:18:03,985 --> 00:18:05,953
Probably kill you.
429
00:18:05,953 --> 00:18:07,822
Then himself.
430
00:18:07,822 --> 00:18:09,323
That is what I would do.
431
00:18:09,323 --> 00:18:12,326
- Right.
- Mm.
432
00:18:12,326 --> 00:18:14,962
You know, it's funny,
I did all this because
433
00:18:14,962 --> 00:18:17,965
I want to be a vampire,
a great vampire.
434
00:18:17,965 --> 00:18:20,935
- Like Nandor, like you.
- Oh...
435
00:18:20,935 --> 00:18:23,471
Your heart is
in the right place, my boy.
436
00:18:23,471 --> 00:18:26,440
And please know
that I am rooting for you, hmm?
437
00:18:26,440 --> 00:18:29,477
- To not get killed.
- Oh. Thank you.
438
00:18:29,477 --> 00:18:32,446
- But... these things happen.
- Well, I hope not.
439
00:18:32,446 --> 00:18:34,915
Can't afford another accident
on my watch.
440
00:18:34,915 --> 00:18:37,184
- [screams]
- No! No!
441
00:18:37,184 --> 00:18:39,320
- Guillermo, no! No, no!
- Ah, no! [crying]
442
00:18:39,320 --> 00:18:42,089
[Baron screaming]
443
00:18:48,095 --> 00:18:49,964
Well, things were almost okay.
444
00:18:49,964 --> 00:18:53,167
But now, not so much.
[chuckles nervously]
445
00:18:53,167 --> 00:18:56,103
As soon as the sun sets
and the baron is awoken,
446
00:18:56,103 --> 00:18:58,172
he is going to track
Guillermo down until he is
447
00:18:58,172 --> 00:18:59,941
very much, well...
448
00:18:59,941 --> 00:19:01,809
- Dead.
- Shut up.
449
00:19:01,809 --> 00:19:04,078
I'm sure he will be safe.
450
00:19:04,078 --> 00:19:05,846
And dead.
451
00:19:05,846 --> 00:19:08,950
- [thunder rumbles]
- [Nadja] Sunset approaches.
452
00:19:08,950 --> 00:19:12,453
Is it me, or does he look like
a shriveled-up nutsack?
453
00:19:12,453 --> 00:19:16,958
- [Nadja] Laszlo? Any ideas?
- Yes, yes, very good. Thank you.
454
00:19:16,958 --> 00:19:18,892
[clock chiming]
455
00:19:19,893 --> 00:19:20,961
[yawning]
456
00:19:23,230 --> 00:19:25,132
Oh, good evening.
457
00:19:25,132 --> 00:19:26,801
- Baron, listen. Guillermo is--
- Oh, where was I?
458
00:19:26,801 --> 00:19:29,503
Ah, yes.
About to kill Guillermo, yes.
459
00:19:29,503 --> 00:19:32,006
Baron, I... I beg mercy.
460
00:19:32,006 --> 00:19:34,909
I know that Guillermo has made
some mistakes.
461
00:19:34,909 --> 00:19:36,344
He nearly killed you twice.
462
00:19:36,344 --> 00:19:39,180
- Mm.
- And he's even massacred
463
00:19:39,180 --> 00:19:41,215
an entire theater of vampires.
464
00:19:41,215 --> 00:19:42,783
Wait, what?
465
00:19:42,783 --> 00:19:45,219
But he did so
to defend his master.
466
00:19:45,219 --> 00:19:47,488
Whatever Guillermo's
flaws may be,
467
00:19:47,488 --> 00:19:50,057
he has always been loyal to me.
468
00:19:50,057 --> 00:19:52,226
- Has he?
- Yes, Baron.
469
00:19:52,226 --> 00:19:53,961
Mm...
470
00:19:53,961 --> 00:19:55,529
Has he, though?
471
00:19:55,529 --> 00:19:57,465
Yes, Baron, he has.
472
00:19:57,465 --> 00:19:58,933
You are certain of--
473
00:19:58,933 --> 00:20:00,901
Yes! I-I am.
474
00:20:00,901 --> 00:20:03,504
Well, I would just say
it is complicated,
475
00:20:03,504 --> 00:20:06,340
but we can discuss this further
after I kill him, yes?
476
00:20:06,340 --> 00:20:09,410
Now, where would he run?
477
00:20:09,410 --> 00:20:10,745
[groans]
478
00:20:10,745 --> 00:20:13,147
I will need Guillermo's scent.
479
00:20:13,147 --> 00:20:14,749
- [sniffing]
- [Laszlo] I say, Baron,
480
00:20:14,749 --> 00:20:16,117
if you're looking for Gizmo,
he's not here.
481
00:20:16,117 --> 00:20:17,918
You'll find him
in the toolshed.
482
00:20:17,918 --> 00:20:19,453
That's where he goes
to hide and wank.
483
00:20:21,055 --> 00:20:22,256
Thank you.
484
00:20:22,256 --> 00:20:24,792
Why would you say that?
485
00:20:24,792 --> 00:20:26,494
Well, why delay the inevitable?
486
00:20:26,494 --> 00:20:29,297
Plus, I was sick of
hearing you lot waffle on.
487
00:20:29,297 --> 00:20:31,365
If you'll excuse me...
488
00:20:32,533 --> 00:20:34,301
[raspy roar]
489
00:20:36,070 --> 00:20:37,872
[thunder rumbles]
490
00:20:37,872 --> 00:20:39,273
[Nandor]
Guillermo!
491
00:20:40,808 --> 00:20:44,111
Well, at least he died
doing what he loved:
492
00:20:44,111 --> 00:20:46,113
beating off in the toolshed.
493
00:20:46,113 --> 00:20:48,983
Oh... [whimpers]
494
00:20:48,983 --> 00:20:51,919
Oh, no.
495
00:20:51,919 --> 00:20:53,921
Oh...
496
00:20:53,921 --> 00:20:57,491
Okay, now I'm starting
to feel a little bad.
497
00:20:57,491 --> 00:21:00,828
But on the bright side,
he-he was just a familiar.
498
00:21:00,828 --> 00:21:03,164
He was not just a familiar.
499
00:21:03,164 --> 00:21:05,099
He was my bodyguard.
500
00:21:05,099 --> 00:21:07,501
He was the best man
at my wedding.
501
00:21:07,501 --> 00:21:09,070
He was my friend.
502
00:21:09,070 --> 00:21:11,372
Okay, yes, yes.
It is all very sad.
503
00:21:11,372 --> 00:21:12,907
But I think we should now
get him in the ground
504
00:21:12,907 --> 00:21:14,408
before he starts to stink.
505
00:21:14,408 --> 00:21:18,178
Laszlo, can you come
and help carry this, please?
506
00:21:19,346 --> 00:21:21,749
- That's not Gizmo.
- What do you mean
it's not Gizmo?
507
00:21:21,749 --> 00:21:23,016
What I mean is...
508
00:21:24,018 --> 00:21:25,252
...it's not Gizmo.
509
00:21:25,252 --> 00:21:27,221
- What are you doing?
- Stand aside.
510
00:21:27,221 --> 00:21:28,823
[Nandor] Laszlo,
what are you doing?
511
00:21:28,823 --> 00:21:30,291
Laszlo, I do not think
we need to eat him.
512
00:21:30,291 --> 00:21:31,826
- [grunts]
- Ooh, yeesh!
- [Nandor] Stop that!
513
00:21:31,826 --> 00:21:33,327
Stop that!
514
00:21:33,327 --> 00:21:35,396
[Nadja and Nandor exclaim]
515
00:21:35,396 --> 00:21:36,864
[Guide] Eesh.
516
00:21:36,864 --> 00:21:38,199
[all exclaim]
517
00:21:38,199 --> 00:21:39,500
Does Gizmo have gills?
518
00:21:39,500 --> 00:21:41,068
- You mean lungs?
- [Laszlo] I mean gills.
519
00:21:41,068 --> 00:21:42,837
So he can breathe underwater.
520
00:21:42,837 --> 00:21:44,405
And does he have
an amphibious egg sac?
521
00:21:44,405 --> 00:21:47,375
- Maybe?
- He never said. Uh...
I never asked.
522
00:21:47,375 --> 00:21:49,377
He wore a lot of layers.
523
00:21:49,377 --> 00:21:51,445
It was hard to see what was
going on under all that.
524
00:21:51,445 --> 00:21:53,948
- [Guide] Oh!
- [Nandor] Oh! Why do his eyes
look like that?
525
00:21:53,948 --> 00:21:55,316
[Lazlo] It's not Gizmo.
It's a byproduct of
526
00:21:55,316 --> 00:21:58,352
my scientific experimentation
gone awry.
527
00:21:58,352 --> 00:22:00,788
So, where is
the real Guillermo, then?
528
00:22:00,788 --> 00:22:02,423
Fucked if I know.
Excuse me, my darling.
529
00:22:02,423 --> 00:22:05,026
- Hmm?
- [Baron] Ah, you know what?
530
00:22:05,026 --> 00:22:07,461
[groans] I will let him go.
531
00:22:07,461 --> 00:22:09,530
After all of that?
532
00:22:09,530 --> 00:22:12,199
I was going on and on
about all of you
533
00:22:12,199 --> 00:22:14,168
and how you've gone soft.
534
00:22:14,168 --> 00:22:16,003
Deep down...
535
00:22:17,404 --> 00:22:20,007
...it is I who have gone soft.
536
00:22:20,007 --> 00:22:21,742
- [Guide] What?
- No.
537
00:22:21,742 --> 00:22:24,879
- [Nandor] Ridiculous.
- Let us be candid here.
538
00:22:24,879 --> 00:22:28,215
I live in the suburbs of
New Jersey.
539
00:22:28,215 --> 00:22:30,985
In a two-bedroom craftsman
540
00:22:30,985 --> 00:22:33,086
with a breakfast nook.
541
00:22:34,455 --> 00:22:35,856
- Oh, hello.
- None of my neighbors
542
00:22:35,856 --> 00:22:38,059
live in fear of me.
543
00:22:38,059 --> 00:22:39,794
I have a dog.
544
00:22:39,794 --> 00:22:42,063
A hellhound, but I get it.
545
00:22:42,063 --> 00:22:43,463
[Baron]
Good boy.
546
00:22:44,498 --> 00:22:46,367
[exhales]
547
00:22:46,367 --> 00:22:48,869
But what about the Sire?
548
00:22:48,869 --> 00:22:52,173
Two ancient legendary vampires.
549
00:22:52,173 --> 00:22:56,010
At this point,
we are more like roommates
550
00:22:56,010 --> 00:22:59,013
than roommates
who viciously murder humans
551
00:22:59,013 --> 00:23:00,915
together, you know?
552
00:23:00,915 --> 00:23:04,752
It can be lonely,
this American dream.
553
00:23:04,752 --> 00:23:06,087
[raspy groans]
554
00:23:06,087 --> 00:23:07,855
[Baron]
What the fuck is that?
555
00:23:07,855 --> 00:23:09,523
- [Nadja] Laszlo!
- [Laszlo] What is it now?
556
00:23:09,523 --> 00:23:11,459
Huh. Well,
that one's clearly pregnant.
557
00:23:11,459 --> 00:23:13,227
[croaks, screeches]
558
00:23:13,227 --> 00:23:14,996
[thunder rumbles]
559
00:23:14,996 --> 00:23:17,164
♪ ♪
560
00:23:17,164 --> 00:23:20,868
It's hard to believe
I'll never see Guillermo again.
561
00:23:20,868 --> 00:23:23,271
I hope he is okay out there.
562
00:23:23,271 --> 00:23:25,940
[distant thunder crashing]
563
00:23:25,940 --> 00:23:28,442
Pretty sure I told him
to dust in here.
564
00:23:28,442 --> 00:23:31,178
Fly like the wind,
my little friend.
565
00:23:33,547 --> 00:23:34,948
[grunting]
566
00:23:35,949 --> 00:23:38,185
Guillermo! You're here.
567
00:23:38,185 --> 00:23:39,487
I just figured this would be
568
00:23:39,487 --> 00:23:41,122
the last place
the Baron would look.
569
00:23:41,122 --> 00:23:42,823
- Is he still looking?
- No, no. But hang on.
570
00:23:42,823 --> 00:23:45,293
We've had one mix-up
already today.
571
00:23:45,293 --> 00:23:47,928
How do I know
you are the real Guillermo?
572
00:23:47,928 --> 00:23:49,230
Master, it's me.
573
00:23:49,230 --> 00:23:51,365
What is Guillermo's last name?
574
00:23:51,365 --> 00:23:53,067
De La Cruz.
575
00:23:53,067 --> 00:23:54,769
But I doubt I'm the only one
who would know that.
576
00:23:54,769 --> 00:23:57,505
You'd be surprised, but fine.
It's a gimme.
577
00:23:57,505 --> 00:24:01,876
How does Guillermo do my hair
on formal occasions?
578
00:24:01,876 --> 00:24:05,112
- Half up, half down.
- Also known as...?
579
00:24:05,112 --> 00:24:07,381
Half down, half up?
580
00:24:07,381 --> 00:24:08,749
Ah, so close.
581
00:24:08,749 --> 00:24:11,085
I was looking for
"Saratoga split."
582
00:24:11,085 --> 00:24:13,220
- The Saratoga Split.
- [muttering]
583
00:24:13,220 --> 00:24:15,122
- I should have known that one.
- Last one.
584
00:24:15,122 --> 00:24:17,992
The first day that
Guillermo became my familiar,
585
00:24:17,992 --> 00:24:19,326
he gave me a card.
586
00:24:19,894 --> 00:24:22,096
What did that card say?
587
00:24:22,096 --> 00:24:23,830
It said...
588
00:24:25,232 --> 00:24:29,337
"To be a vampire is my dream.
589
00:24:29,337 --> 00:24:31,172
"But to be your familiar
590
00:24:31,172 --> 00:24:32,873
"will be my honor.
591
00:24:34,341 --> 00:24:37,278
Thank you for this opportunity."
592
00:24:37,278 --> 00:24:38,813
Close enough.
593
00:24:38,813 --> 00:24:41,916
Okay, you're the real Guillermo.
Excuse me.
594
00:24:41,916 --> 00:24:43,417
I can't believe
you remember that.
595
00:24:43,417 --> 00:24:45,486
We have a long history, Guillermo.
596
00:24:45,486 --> 00:24:49,323
I imagine that I know you better
than almost anyone.
597
00:24:51,325 --> 00:24:54,528
Enough to know when you have
been keeping a little secret...
598
00:24:54,528 --> 00:24:57,431
from me? Hmm?
599
00:24:59,533 --> 00:25:02,102
Is there something
you'd like to tell me?
600
00:25:03,971 --> 00:25:05,973
I... I d--
601
00:25:05,973 --> 00:25:09,477
You made a fart in my coffin,
didn't you?
602
00:25:09,477 --> 00:25:11,212
[quietly] I made a fart
in your coffin.
603
00:25:11,212 --> 00:25:15,449
See? I know you better
than anyone. Boop.
604
00:25:15,449 --> 00:25:19,053
[Nadja] So it seems that
everything worked out?
605
00:25:19,053 --> 00:25:20,454
Kind of?
606
00:25:20,454 --> 00:25:21,956
To be honest,
I can't really keep track of
607
00:25:21,956 --> 00:25:24,125
whatever the fuck
is going on around here.
608
00:25:24,125 --> 00:25:26,327
But I did find a new home for
609
00:25:26,327 --> 00:25:27,995
these disgusting
little Guillermo toads,
610
00:25:27,995 --> 00:25:29,463
so there's that.
611
00:25:29,463 --> 00:25:31,265
As you can see, I came home
from Staten Island
612
00:25:31,265 --> 00:25:33,934
with a bit more than just
a charred-up body.
613
00:25:33,934 --> 00:25:35,836
Vampire says, "Freeze."
614
00:25:35,836 --> 00:25:38,039
This charming litter of mutants.
615
00:25:38,039 --> 00:25:39,206
Show your fangs.
616
00:25:39,206 --> 00:25:40,274
- [screeches]
- [Baron laughs]
617
00:25:40,274 --> 00:25:42,510
I did not say, "Vampire says!"
618
00:25:42,510 --> 00:25:44,045
It's given the Sire and me
619
00:25:44,045 --> 00:25:45,913
so much that we can do together.
620
00:25:45,913 --> 00:25:47,114
[laughs]
621
00:25:47,114 --> 00:25:48,749
And thanks to Guillermo,
622
00:25:48,749 --> 00:25:50,418
for the first time
in a long time...
623
00:25:50,418 --> 00:25:52,153
Hello. [growls]
624
00:25:52,153 --> 00:25:53,387
[dog barking]
625
00:25:53,387 --> 00:25:55,423
...I am terrifying again.
626
00:25:55,423 --> 00:25:57,224
[laughing]
627
00:25:57,224 --> 00:25:59,760
I suppose
with the right company,
628
00:25:59,760 --> 00:26:03,331
it can be beautiful,
this eternal existence.
629
00:26:03,331 --> 00:26:06,267
Eh. Not all of them make it.
630
00:26:06,267 --> 00:26:08,069
[flushes]
631
00:26:08,069 --> 00:26:09,403
[sighs]
632
00:26:09,403 --> 00:26:11,339
[exhales]
633
00:26:11,339 --> 00:26:14,108
I just wish you would
talk to me, Laszlo.
634
00:26:14,108 --> 00:26:16,410
Yes, yes.
Very good, thank you.
635
00:26:16,410 --> 00:26:17,745
I mean,
is it something I've done?
636
00:26:17,745 --> 00:26:19,213
Is this hex that
637
00:26:19,213 --> 00:26:21,349
I've been cursed with
that hangs all around me
638
00:26:21,349 --> 00:26:25,052
made me, in your eyes,
like an uggo or something?
639
00:26:25,052 --> 00:26:27,288
Oh, yes! That's it.
640
00:26:27,288 --> 00:26:29,757
- What's it?
- Despite the frequent interruptions,
641
00:26:29,757 --> 00:26:31,892
I've been sat here
trying to decide
642
00:26:31,892 --> 00:26:33,361
if I should organize my books
643
00:26:33,361 --> 00:26:37,031
alphabetically by author,
or by title.
644
00:26:37,031 --> 00:26:39,200
But you've been sat here
for three weeks.
645
00:26:39,200 --> 00:26:41,335
Time well-spent, I think.
And I've decided--
646
00:26:41,335 --> 00:26:43,170
you'd be pleased to know--
author.
647
00:26:43,170 --> 00:26:44,505
First thought, best thought.
648
00:26:44,505 --> 00:26:46,407
Have I missed anything good?
649
00:26:46,407 --> 00:26:47,475
No!
650
00:26:47,475 --> 00:26:49,877
- [laughing]
- This guy.
651
00:26:49,877 --> 00:26:51,946
♪ Baby ♪
652
00:26:51,946 --> 00:26:56,483
♪ You can get a kiss
in the morning ♪
653
00:26:57,785 --> 00:27:00,221
♪ And maybe ♪
654
00:27:00,221 --> 00:27:04,891
♪ You can get a kiss
in the night ♪
655
00:27:06,293 --> 00:27:08,396
♪ Baby ♪
656
00:27:08,396 --> 00:27:13,233
♪ You can get a kiss
in the morning ♪
657
00:27:15,202 --> 00:27:21,308
♪ Maybe you're not Mr. Right ♪
658
00:27:23,410 --> 00:27:29,283
♪ Maybe
you're not Mr. Right. ♪
659
00:27:30,451 --> 00:27:35,184
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org