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[newsman]
Good evening, New Yorkers,

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and welcome to
Channel 8 News, Live at 7.

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-I'm Ted Spinelli.
-And I'm Lisa Lipton.

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A big day in news
across the city,

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but we begin in Staten Island,

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where a water main break in the
West New Brighton neighborhood

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left the streets looking
more like rivers.

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Joanna Roscoe is live
from Staten Island now.

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That's right, Lisa.

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This was the scene
just hours ago

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on what is usually considered
a quiet residential street.

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Now, as you can see behind me,

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city workers have
managed to stop

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the street-level flooding,

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but underground flooding
still remains a concern.

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Oh, boy. That means
a messy commute home

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for a few Staten Islanders,
right, Joanna?

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Yeah, it sure does.

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Now I am here with
a local resident

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who has been watching
the situation closely.

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His name is Nandor...

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Nandor the Relentless.

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Nandor De Laurentis.

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Now, Nandor, you live in
this neighborhood, correct?

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Yes, that's right, Joanna, I do.

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In that house just over there.

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With my friends. It's fun.

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Great.

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And as I understand,
you were on the street

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when the water main broke.
Can you tell us about that?

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[Nandor]
Yes, I can, Joanna.

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I was going
for my evening stroll,

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which I do for my mental health

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as well as for
my physical health,

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and then,
all of a sudden, crash!

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Burst!

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Water, it shoots

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into the air, and then, like,

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all over the street.

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[Joanna] Now, Nandor,
have you seen an incident

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in this area like this before?

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Not since the great
flood in 1892, Joanna.

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That was a big boy.

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[chuckles] 1892.

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Oh, silly me. Not... not 1892.

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-[laughs]
-1992.

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Yeah, I was gonna say, uh, 1892?

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Give me this guy's
skin care secrets.

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Because 1892 was
a year that was not

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in my, uh, human lifespan,

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but 1992 most definitely was.

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It's 2023 now...

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-Right.
-...and it was 1992 then.

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And I have been living
in Staten Island

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for many centuries.

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Many centuries.

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Well, it looks like
we have discovered

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the secret to eternal life.

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-Now, I do have a...
-[whimpers, mutters]

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Well, Ted and Lisa,
I will be here,

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on the ground,
monitoring the situation

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as it develops. Back to you.

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Oh, shitty shit. I fucked it.

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["You're Dead"
by Norma Tanega playing]

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♪ Don't sing if you want
to live long ♪

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♪ They have no use
for your song ♪

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♪ You're dead, you're dead,
you're dead ♪

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♪ You're dead
and out of this world ♪

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♪ Now your hope and compassion
is gone ♪

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♪ You sold out your dream
to the world ♪

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♪ Stay dead, stay dead,
stay dead ♪

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♪ You're dead
and out of this world. ♪

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♪ ♪

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[Nandor] Shit, shit,
shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.

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-[Laszlo] From the diaphragm.
-[Doll Nadja vocalizing]

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[Nandor]
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.

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Guillermo!

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Gizmo is not here.

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Colin Robinson,
turn on the television.

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Channel 8.

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Your arms broken?

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-Please!
-[groans]

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All right.

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[man]
This is go...

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[Joanna]
But there is some worry that...

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-Huh.
-[Nandor groans]

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That's our street. Huh.
Well, that's neat.

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That is not neat.

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I may have committed

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an unforgivable
and irreversible blunder.

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Okay, Nandor, don't get
your knickers in a twist.

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I-I accidentally told
this Joanna Roscoe

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that we have lived in this
street for many centuries.

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-[gasps]
-You did what?

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And now she and
all of the viewers

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of Channel 8 News Live at 7

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know that we are vampires.

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-[shouting]
-And now--

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And now all of the humans
are going to

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drive us out of Staten Island

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like they drove us
out of the Old Country.

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[Laszlo]
Alea iacta est.

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-Game over.
-[plays piano sting]

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No, no!

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This time, we fight!

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This is our last stand!

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-Who's with me?
-Me!

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Silence!

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I have a plan.

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I think we should
kill Joanna Roscoe.

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And what would that solve?

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Do you have any better ideas?

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Where is Guillermo?!

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[dings]

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So, yeah, tonight's kind of
a farewell,

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goodbye dinner
for me and my mom.

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She doesn't know
that it's a goodbye,

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but when I become
a full vampire,

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it won't be safe for my family,

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or for me because

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they are vampire killers,

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and I'll be a vampire.

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[sighs] It's kind of heavy,
actually,

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if you think about it.

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No one imagines
they'll have to say

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a final goodbye
to their mom, but...

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here we are.

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-Mami.
-[speaking Spanish]

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Oh. Oh, everyone's here.
I thought it was just going

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-to be you and me.
-Hi.

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Oh, Tía. Wow, you're also here.

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[speaking Spanish]

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You hungry? You hungry?

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Hey, Memo.

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These guys are still
doing that documentary

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on losers who work
at the railroad, huh?

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-All right.
-Ah, I'm just playing.

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-Okay.
-Hey, we're putting my tía's

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-gifts right there.
-Hmm?

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The gifts.

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Wait, you didn't bring a gift
for your own mama's birthday?

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[Guillermo]
So, funny thing.

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In the middle of, uh,

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making it a big day about me,

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I totally forgot that
it's a big day for her.

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It's her birthday,

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but birthday or no,
I need to do this.

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Mami, Mami.

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[speaks Spanish]

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Can I talk to you
in private, please?

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[speaks Spanish]

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[Joanna]
...local resident Nandor,
who has some insights.

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[Guillermo speaking Spanish]

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[exclaims in Spanish]

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[Joanna]
...part of a pattern of
local infrastructure failures?

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Yes, Joanna. If I may...

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To the millions
and millions of viewers

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of Channel 8 News Live at 7,

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you will forget...

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[Ted]
Apologies to Joanna
and Mr. De Laurentis,

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but we have some breaking news.

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The National Weather Service
has announced

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a severe thunderstorm
warning for the city.

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We now go to meteorologist
Heather Dupont...

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[shouting in Spanish]

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[speaking Spanish]

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[whispers] I leave the house
for one fucking minute...

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[Miguel]
Memo!

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[speaking Spanish]

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[Guillermo sings in Spanish]

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[group laughing]

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[speaking Spanish]

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It's not a big deal,
as long as they just...

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answer the fucking phone.

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-[phone ringing]
-[Laszlo] Fucking hell.

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-[shouting]
-Damn!

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-Look out, look out!
-[Nadja whimpering]

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-[Laszlo] Oh, fuck this. Ah!
-[ringing]

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-Should I answer that?
-[Laszlo] Announcement.

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After methodical analysis,
I have decided

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that it is not a good idea

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to kill Joanna Roscoe.

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No shit, you human fart.

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Now, help me
booby-trap the staircase.

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Maybe I should just
take it off the hook?

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[Guillermo]
Hello?

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[line beeping]

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Colin Robinson, now is
not the time for decorating.

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Get your fucking go-bag.

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Vampires must always

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be prepared to skip out of town

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at a moment's notice.

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I have been chased out
of five, maybe six

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villages over the course
of my vampiric life,

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and believe me,
you don't want to be

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caught out there fleeing with
only the clothes on your back,

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sleeping at the bottom
of a cold well,

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sucking on the throats
of the mountain goats

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you once called your brothers.

200
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No. So, what was
the first thing I did

201
00:07:21,742 --> 00:07:23,077
when I moved to Staten Island?

202
00:07:23,110 --> 00:07:24,511
I made the go-bags.

203
00:07:24,544 --> 00:07:27,214
[Laszlo]
I have decided on
a multi-part plan.

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00:07:27,247 --> 00:07:28,315
The first part of which:

205
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Kidnap Joanna Roscoe.

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00:07:30,751 --> 00:07:32,086
And how is that going to help?

207
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Takes us to step two.

208
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-[bees buzzing]
-[Nadja groans] Everybody,

209
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in your go-bags you will find

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00:07:37,257 --> 00:07:39,226
your emergency
fleeing checklist.

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00:07:39,259 --> 00:07:40,227
Okay.

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00:07:40,260 --> 00:07:41,762
"Ancestral soils."

213
00:07:41,795 --> 00:07:42,796
Check.

214
00:07:42,829 --> 00:07:45,232
"Three days' supply of blood."

215
00:07:45,265 --> 00:07:46,500
Eh... Oof.

216
00:07:46,533 --> 00:07:48,602
A little bit rank, but check.

217
00:07:48,635 --> 00:07:51,305
"Memorize new identity."
[clears throat]

218
00:07:51,338 --> 00:07:52,606
[American accent]
"Oh, hello.

219
00:07:52,639 --> 00:07:54,308
"My name is Sally Rhubarb.

220
00:07:54,341 --> 00:07:57,211
"I am a blonde girl
from a large farm,

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00:07:57,244 --> 00:08:01,615
and my blackberry pie wins
every year at the county fair."

222
00:08:01,648 --> 00:08:02,616
-Don't sit there.
-Why not?

223
00:08:02,649 --> 00:08:04,017
Because.

224
00:08:05,385 --> 00:08:07,755
-[gasps]
-The whole ground floor
is booby-trapped

225
00:08:07,788 --> 00:08:09,490
for our final stand.

226
00:08:09,523 --> 00:08:11,058
Oh, yes, because the attackers
first thing they will do

227
00:08:11,091 --> 00:08:12,526
is come down and
take a nice rest.

228
00:08:12,559 --> 00:08:14,628
I think you're all
wasting valuable time.

229
00:08:14,661 --> 00:08:16,764
-Thank you.
-What you need to do

230
00:08:16,797 --> 00:08:18,365
is get a kidnapping sack.

231
00:08:18,398 --> 00:08:19,767
No, you need to get your go-bag.

232
00:08:19,800 --> 00:08:21,468
And you need to trust the plan.

233
00:08:21,501 --> 00:08:23,604
-Get your go-bag.
-Trust the plan.

234
00:08:23,637 --> 00:08:26,173
-Get your go-bag.
-Trust...

235
00:08:26,206 --> 00:08:28,475
Hey, you two may want
to have your argument

236
00:08:28,508 --> 00:08:30,511
away from the
chandelier fall zone.

237
00:08:30,544 --> 00:08:32,346
-Also, mind the trip wire.
-[Laszlo] Fucking hell.

238
00:08:32,379 --> 00:08:34,248
[pounding on door]

239
00:08:34,281 --> 00:08:35,749
-Places, places!
-It's all right.
It's all right, my darling.

240
00:08:35,782 --> 00:08:37,451
-I'll protect you.
-[pounding]

241
00:08:37,484 --> 00:08:39,386
-This is it.
This is our final stand.
-Be calm.

242
00:08:39,419 --> 00:08:42,356
Would you stop fucking
saying that, Colin Robinson?

243
00:08:42,389 --> 00:08:43,657
[Laszlo]
Step back, my darling.

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00:08:43,690 --> 00:08:45,625
-[door crashes]
-Friends, fear not.

245
00:08:46,326 --> 00:08:49,063
I went back to
Channel 8 News Live at 7

246
00:08:49,096 --> 00:08:50,631
and hypnotized
the audience, so...

247
00:08:50,664 --> 00:08:52,266
We saw.

248
00:08:52,299 --> 00:08:54,735
And no, you did not
hypnotize anyone, Nandor.

249
00:08:54,768 --> 00:08:56,437
Those television humans

250
00:08:56,470 --> 00:08:57,471
interrupted your blather
with a warning of a storm.

251
00:08:57,504 --> 00:09:00,074
This is all Guillermo's fault!

252
00:09:00,107 --> 00:09:02,443
-He's not back yet, is he?
-[Laszlo] No.

253
00:09:02,476 --> 00:09:05,112
Also, why is your
hair yellow, Nadja?

254
00:09:05,145 --> 00:09:06,247
-I am not Nadja.
-Oh.

255
00:09:06,280 --> 00:09:07,514
I am Sally Rhubarb.

256
00:09:07,547 --> 00:09:09,083
There is only
one way out of this:

257
00:09:09,116 --> 00:09:11,719
We must kill Joanna Roscoe.

258
00:09:11,752 --> 00:09:14,221
[Laszlo]
Which were my thoughts exactly,

259
00:09:14,254 --> 00:09:15,623
but if you follow "Arrow F,"

260
00:09:15,656 --> 00:09:17,758
you'll find a far more
sophisticated plan.

261
00:09:17,791 --> 00:09:19,793
"Kidnap Joanna Roscoe"?

262
00:09:19,826 --> 00:09:21,495
Which is step one of the plan.

263
00:09:21,528 --> 00:09:24,064
-And then what?
-Step two.

264
00:09:24,999 --> 00:09:28,102
Welcome back to
Channel 8 News, Live at 7.

265
00:09:28,135 --> 00:09:30,604
We'll check in with
Joanna Roscoe, but first...

266
00:09:30,637 --> 00:09:32,473
[Miguel]
And then I saw that diesel
was as cheap as gas.

267
00:09:32,506 --> 00:09:34,108
So I took it back to
the rent-a-car spot

268
00:09:34,141 --> 00:09:35,609
and say, "Hey, homie,
how am I supposed to know

269
00:09:35,642 --> 00:09:37,211
-Corollas don't take diesel?"
-[line beeping]

270
00:09:37,244 --> 00:09:39,046
Guillermo?

271
00:09:39,079 --> 00:09:40,614
-Are you okay?
-[Miguel] You know what?

272
00:09:40,647 --> 00:09:42,249
He doesn't listen, all right?
Don't even bother.

273
00:09:42,282 --> 00:09:45,052
-I'm listening.
-[speaks Spanish]

274
00:09:45,085 --> 00:09:46,487
That's what it is. The screens.

275
00:09:46,520 --> 00:09:48,088
You need to cut
that shit off, cold turkey.

276
00:09:48,121 --> 00:09:49,623
Just like I did with
the Sierra Mist, huh, Ma?

277
00:09:49,656 --> 00:09:52,393
Guillermo, you're working
too much. It's not healthy.

278
00:09:52,426 --> 00:09:53,627
[Miguel]
You need to be
healthy like I am.

279
00:09:53,660 --> 00:09:55,062
No Sierra Mist,

280
00:09:55,095 --> 00:09:56,764
no whack bosses.
I told my last boss,

281
00:09:56,797 --> 00:09:58,532
"Hey, jefe, you want to try
to ruin my life like that?

282
00:09:58,565 --> 00:10:00,401
Boom. Toma."

283
00:10:00,434 --> 00:10:01,735
[speaks Spanish]

284
00:10:01,768 --> 00:10:03,203
But, you know,
you're probably too scared

285
00:10:03,236 --> 00:10:04,605
-to do that.
-I'm not scared, Miguel.

286
00:10:04,638 --> 00:10:07,241
I'm not scared.
I recently made a big move.

287
00:10:07,274 --> 00:10:11,045
My old boss kept
promising me a promotion,

288
00:10:11,078 --> 00:10:12,212
and I got tired of waiting.

289
00:10:12,245 --> 00:10:13,614
-[woman] Wow.
-[cheering]

290
00:10:13,647 --> 00:10:15,215
Yeah, yeah.

291
00:10:15,248 --> 00:10:16,350
So I'm here.

292
00:10:16,383 --> 00:10:18,319
[woman speaking Spanish]

293
00:10:18,352 --> 00:10:19,587
-Are you here, though?
-Yeah, I'm here.

294
00:10:19,620 --> 00:10:21,188
Why are you still
all on your phone, then?

295
00:10:21,221 --> 00:10:22,623
Because, it's the transition.
I haven't...

296
00:10:22,656 --> 00:10:24,458
officially left
the old railroad,

297
00:10:24,491 --> 00:10:27,361
and, uh, haven't
officially started

298
00:10:27,394 --> 00:10:29,129
-the new one.
-How many railroads
even are there?

299
00:10:29,162 --> 00:10:32,099
Let's just eat, huh?
Why don't we all just eat?

300
00:10:32,132 --> 00:10:35,603
[Guide]
I do not have a name
in the traditional sense.

301
00:10:35,636 --> 00:10:37,605
[Joanna]
And you said that you
work for the city...

302
00:10:37,638 --> 00:10:41,242
[speaking Spanish]

303
00:10:41,275 --> 00:10:42,610
Right, Joanna Roscoe.

304
00:10:42,643 --> 00:10:44,211
There will be damage.

305
00:10:44,244 --> 00:10:46,447
Bloodshed, too.

306
00:10:46,480 --> 00:10:49,350
This is why I propose a truce.

307
00:10:49,383 --> 00:10:52,219
Because we are not so
different, you and us.

308
00:10:52,252 --> 00:10:54,755
We all want peace.

309
00:10:54,788 --> 00:10:56,390
-[Sean] Yello?
-Hey, Sean,

310
00:10:56,423 --> 00:10:58,192
this is Guillermo
from next door.

311
00:10:58,225 --> 00:11:01,328
Yo, Guillermo. How's it goin'?
What can I do for you?

312
00:11:01,361 --> 00:11:03,230
Yeah, I was wondering
if you could do me a favor.

313
00:11:03,263 --> 00:11:05,466
If you can go next door
and tell the vam...

314
00:11:05,499 --> 00:11:08,335
Uh, Laszlo and Nadja
and everyone at the house

315
00:11:08,368 --> 00:11:09,737
if they could just,
can they stay

316
00:11:09,770 --> 00:11:11,505
inside the house
and just stay put

317
00:11:11,538 --> 00:11:13,340
until I get there? Could you
do that for me, please?

318
00:11:13,373 --> 00:11:14,775
[Sean]
That's gonna be a little tricky.

319
00:11:14,808 --> 00:11:17,311
There's been a water main break
on our street,

320
00:11:17,344 --> 00:11:20,114
[shouting]
and these TV fuckers
parked their van

321
00:11:20,147 --> 00:11:22,349
-right on the front lawn...
-And someone else is here.

322
00:11:22,382 --> 00:11:24,051
-...which I just
resodded last year.
-Sean? What are you doing?

323
00:11:24,084 --> 00:11:25,786
The territory of Staten Island

324
00:11:25,819 --> 00:11:29,757
can, nay, must be shared
between our people...

325
00:11:29,790 --> 00:11:32,459
Looks like there's a lot of
excitement over there.

326
00:11:32,492 --> 00:11:34,328
Speaking of excitement,

327
00:11:34,361 --> 00:11:37,197
you'll never guess what this
Bronx seventh grader is doing

328
00:11:37,230 --> 00:11:39,400
to raise money
for the rainforest.

329
00:11:39,433 --> 00:11:41,569
[woman speaking Spanish]

330
00:11:41,602 --> 00:11:43,370
[Laszlo]
A nine-step plan!

331
00:11:43,403 --> 00:11:46,073
-Make sure it's bloody
straight, you idiot.
-Yes.

332
00:11:46,106 --> 00:11:48,475
Reason and diplomacy
did not work,

333
00:11:48,508 --> 00:11:49,610
as you all saw.

334
00:11:49,643 --> 00:11:52,579
So let us do it. Let us flee.

335
00:11:54,247 --> 00:11:56,083
-Us?
-Yes.

336
00:11:56,116 --> 00:11:57,484
And if they won't go,

337
00:11:57,517 --> 00:12:00,054
then it will be just you
and I, into the night.

338
00:12:00,087 --> 00:12:02,790
Um, okay. C-Cool.

339
00:12:02,823 --> 00:12:05,058
I shall go prepare my disguise.

340
00:12:06,126 --> 00:12:09,096
-[line beeping]
-[laughter, chatter]

341
00:12:09,129 --> 00:12:11,231
So, bad news.

342
00:12:11,264 --> 00:12:13,767
There's been an emergency
with, uh, a train.

343
00:12:13,800 --> 00:12:15,369
So I'm gonna have to head out.

344
00:12:15,402 --> 00:12:17,204
[speaks Spanish]
I called it, didn't I?

345
00:12:17,237 --> 00:12:19,573
Mami? Mami, can we just
have that talk really quick,

346
00:12:19,606 --> 00:12:21,242
-the one I was
telling you about?
-[speaks Spanish]

347
00:12:21,275 --> 00:12:22,610
Gracias. Por favor.

348
00:12:22,643 --> 00:12:24,111
[Laszlo]
Hello?

349
00:12:24,144 --> 00:12:26,347
-Laszlo? Laszlo.
-Who is this?

350
00:12:26,380 --> 00:12:27,748
Sorry, Mom. Por favor.

351
00:12:27,781 --> 00:12:28,782
What do you mean,
"who is it"? It's Guillermo.

352
00:12:28,815 --> 00:12:30,351
Oh, Gizmo. What do you want?

353
00:12:30,384 --> 00:12:31,585
What the hell's
going on over there?

354
00:12:31,618 --> 00:12:33,087
[Laszlo]
Can't talk right now.

355
00:12:33,120 --> 00:12:34,321
To cut a shit story short,

356
00:12:34,354 --> 00:12:35,489
-we've been found out.
-Huh?

357
00:12:35,522 --> 00:12:37,224
The whole world knows

358
00:12:37,257 --> 00:12:39,627
that vampires are real
and that we are they.

359
00:12:39,660 --> 00:12:41,195
Okay, Laszlo,
just do me a favor.

360
00:12:41,228 --> 00:12:42,263
Just stay put, okay?
I'll be over soon.

361
00:12:42,296 --> 00:12:43,631
Don't you tell me what to do.

362
00:12:43,664 --> 00:12:45,232
-[Nandor] Laszlo?
-I have con...

363
00:12:45,265 --> 00:12:47,034
[Guillermo]
Laszlo?

364
00:12:47,067 --> 00:12:48,502
-That's too small, you prick.
-Who's there with you?

365
00:12:48,535 --> 00:12:50,304
-You think?
-Just stay put, okay?

366
00:12:50,337 --> 00:12:52,706
We have to get Joanna Roscoe's
entire body in there.

367
00:12:52,739 --> 00:12:54,775
-No. What are you...
-[Laszlo] We need to get
a grown woman in there.

368
00:12:54,808 --> 00:12:56,210
What are you...
What are you doing?

369
00:12:56,243 --> 00:12:57,478
I think this bag is big enough.

370
00:12:57,511 --> 00:12:59,380
-All right, well, get in it.
-Laszlo?

371
00:12:59,413 --> 00:13:01,081
-Okay.
-What's going on? Laszlo?

372
00:13:01,114 --> 00:13:03,217
-Oy vey. Too small.
-Too fucking small.

373
00:13:03,250 --> 00:13:05,486
-If we are to
kidnap Joanna Roscoe,
-No!

374
00:13:05,519 --> 00:13:07,454
-we need a sack large enough
for her entire body.
-Beep, beep.

375
00:13:07,487 --> 00:13:10,491
Now, don't phone here again.
We are incredibly busy.

376
00:13:10,524 --> 00:13:12,192
-Do not kidnap...
-We don't need to be distracted.

377
00:13:12,225 --> 00:13:14,361
Gizmo? Huh.

378
00:13:14,394 --> 00:13:17,364
Blasted boy, hung up on me.

379
00:13:17,397 --> 00:13:18,732
Fucking hell, Nandor.
Get a bigger sack.

380
00:13:18,765 --> 00:13:20,600
Laszlo?

381
00:13:24,071 --> 00:13:25,306
-I found one!

382
00:13:25,339 --> 00:13:26,574
This is a very big bag.

383
00:13:26,607 --> 00:13:28,676
I tried it already. I fit.

384
00:13:28,709 --> 00:13:30,077
It's translucent.

385
00:13:30,110 --> 00:13:31,478
We could add a blindfold?

386
00:13:31,511 --> 00:13:32,479
Yes, but it would add time.

387
00:13:32,512 --> 00:13:33,614
Is anybody listening to me?

388
00:13:33,647 --> 00:13:37,050
You need to get your go-bags!

389
00:13:38,652 --> 00:13:40,153
-Mami?
-Mm-hmm?

390
00:14:29,169 --> 00:14:30,170
No.

391
00:14:32,205 --> 00:14:33,540
No...

392
00:14:41,481 --> 00:14:43,717
[sizzling]

393
00:14:48,522 --> 00:14:52,158
[speaking Spanish]

394
00:14:53,760 --> 00:14:55,262
[sizzling]

395
00:15:05,639 --> 00:15:06,706
[elevator dings]

396
00:15:13,213 --> 00:15:14,381
[sniffling]

397
00:15:18,585 --> 00:15:20,186
[elevator dings]

398
00:15:23,590 --> 00:15:25,392
How's it going?

399
00:15:27,761 --> 00:15:29,696
It was like this
when I got here.

400
00:15:31,264 --> 00:15:34,702
[Nadja]
So, this is it, then?
This is really goodbye,

401
00:15:34,735 --> 00:15:36,537
my agápi mou.

402
00:15:36,570 --> 00:15:38,806
I'm afraid so, my mátia mou.

403
00:15:38,839 --> 00:15:40,574
I must see my plan through.

404
00:15:40,607 --> 00:15:42,610
It has many steps.

405
00:15:42,643 --> 00:15:44,078
-[Guide] Ready!
-Oh!

406
00:15:44,111 --> 00:15:45,446
Oh.

407
00:15:45,479 --> 00:15:47,081
So, when the villagers
who are chasing us

408
00:15:47,114 --> 00:15:48,315
say they are looking for
a blonde and a brunette...

409
00:15:49,616 --> 00:15:51,819
Well, I guess I didn't
really think it through.

410
00:15:51,852 --> 00:15:54,154
Housemates.

411
00:15:54,187 --> 00:15:55,289
Friends.

412
00:15:55,322 --> 00:15:56,323
The Guide.

413
00:15:56,356 --> 00:15:58,191
A great enemy is upon us.

414
00:15:59,059 --> 00:16:03,230
Joanna Roscoe and her army
of Channel 8 viewers.

415
00:16:03,263 --> 00:16:04,832
This is not
the first foe we have met,

416
00:16:04,865 --> 00:16:06,767
nor will it be the last.

417
00:16:06,800 --> 00:16:09,036
They may outnumber us,

418
00:16:09,069 --> 00:16:12,039
they may have a satellite truck

419
00:16:12,072 --> 00:16:15,476
and a Sky High chopper,
whatever the fuck,

420
00:16:15,509 --> 00:16:17,311
but what do we have?

421
00:16:17,344 --> 00:16:19,346
-Kidnapping sack.
-Go-bags!
-The skull of Orson Welles.

422
00:16:19,379 --> 00:16:20,481
Each other.

423
00:16:20,514 --> 00:16:22,149
-Oh.
-Oh.

424
00:16:22,182 --> 00:16:24,051
Look at us, running around,
this way and that,

425
00:16:24,084 --> 00:16:26,086
focusing on our own plans.

426
00:16:26,119 --> 00:16:27,688
We all have
a part to play in this,

427
00:16:27,721 --> 00:16:29,356
and play it we must,

428
00:16:29,389 --> 00:16:31,592
-but together.
-Hear, hear.

429
00:16:31,625 --> 00:16:33,160
-Thank you, Laszlo.
-Now, get the fuck on with it

430
00:16:33,193 --> 00:16:35,362
Yes, this is all
your fault, you know.

431
00:16:35,395 --> 00:16:39,099
For this shithole on
Staten Island is our home,

432
00:16:39,132 --> 00:16:40,601
and 30 years from now,

433
00:16:40,634 --> 00:16:42,136
when you, Nadja,

434
00:16:42,169 --> 00:16:43,604
are sat there by that fireplace

435
00:16:43,637 --> 00:16:46,073
and you have a little ghost
dolly on your knee,

436
00:16:46,106 --> 00:16:48,208
and she looks up at you,
and she says,

437
00:16:48,241 --> 00:16:51,412
"What did you do during
the great vampire battle?"

438
00:16:51,445 --> 00:16:53,614
Maybe you won't
need to say to her,

439
00:16:53,647 --> 00:16:57,217
"Me, dolly? I was shoveling
shit in Louisiana."

440
00:16:57,250 --> 00:16:59,153
-I would never do that.
-[door opens]

441
00:16:59,186 --> 00:17:00,487
Okay, you guys, I'm back.

442
00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:03,724
No need to worry 'cause
I have a plan...

443
00:17:03,757 --> 00:17:05,159
[shouts]

444
00:17:05,192 --> 00:17:06,560
-[Nandor] Whoa.
-[Laszlo] Shit!

445
00:17:06,593 --> 00:17:08,095
[Nadja]
For crying out loud.

446
00:17:08,128 --> 00:17:09,229
[chuckles]

447
00:17:09,262 --> 00:17:10,497
[groans]

448
00:17:10,530 --> 00:17:12,099
[Nandor]
We are fine, Guillermo.

449
00:17:12,132 --> 00:17:13,300
In fact, we are better
than fine. We are great.

450
00:17:13,333 --> 00:17:15,202
We have our own plan.

451
00:17:15,235 --> 00:17:16,303
Okay, I'm just trying
to help cal--

452
00:17:16,336 --> 00:17:18,405
Nadja, when did you go blonde?

453
00:17:18,438 --> 00:17:19,473
I mean, you look really--

454
00:17:19,506 --> 00:17:20,741
I don't have time to tell you

455
00:17:20,774 --> 00:17:22,309
everything that you've
missed, traitor.

456
00:17:22,342 --> 00:17:24,211
Look, I know I haven't
been around, but--

457
00:17:24,244 --> 00:17:26,146
It's fine. I get it.

458
00:17:26,179 --> 00:17:28,215
You have your life
and we have ours.

459
00:17:28,248 --> 00:17:29,483
And if tonight
has taught us nothing else,

460
00:17:29,516 --> 00:17:30,751
then it has taught us this:

461
00:17:30,784 --> 00:17:34,454
We can survive
quite easily without you.

462
00:17:38,258 --> 00:17:39,426
Well, okay, then.

463
00:17:39,459 --> 00:17:41,195
Wait, what?

464
00:17:41,228 --> 00:17:42,329
You seem to have everything
under control,

465
00:17:42,362 --> 00:17:44,431
so good luck.

466
00:17:44,464 --> 00:17:46,433
I wouldn't go that way
if I were you.

467
00:17:46,466 --> 00:17:48,602
-Why not?
-Ever hear of a Bouncing Betty?

468
00:17:48,635 --> 00:17:51,671
A schrapnellmine
in the authentic German?

469
00:17:56,643 --> 00:18:00,547
[Heather]
Our latest model is now showing
that those mild showers

470
00:18:00,580 --> 00:18:01,815
won't be hitting
the five boroughs

471
00:18:01,848 --> 00:18:04,418
until 4:00 a.m. at the earliest.

472
00:18:04,451 --> 00:18:05,486
[Lisa]
All right, that's
great news. Still time

473
00:18:05,519 --> 00:18:07,187
to pull in that lawn furniture.

474
00:18:07,220 --> 00:18:09,156
[Ted] And speaking
of unexpected waters,

475
00:18:09,189 --> 00:18:10,190
Joanna Roscoe is back

476
00:18:10,223 --> 00:18:11,692
with an update for us

477
00:18:11,725 --> 00:18:13,427
on that Staten Island
water main break.

478
00:18:13,460 --> 00:18:15,195
What's it looking like, Joanna?

479
00:18:15,228 --> 00:18:18,432
Hi, Ted. I am happy to report

480
00:18:18,465 --> 00:18:19,733
that this story finally has

481
00:18:19,766 --> 00:18:21,302
a happy ending.

482
00:18:21,335 --> 00:18:23,203
The water main has been sealed,

483
00:18:23,236 --> 00:18:25,606
and the underground leaks
have been brought

484
00:18:25,639 --> 00:18:26,740
under control.

485
00:18:26,773 --> 00:18:28,576
Now there is a small sinkhole,

486
00:18:28,609 --> 00:18:30,311
but the area
has been cordoned off

487
00:18:30,344 --> 00:18:32,713
to prevent it from
widening any further

488
00:18:32,746 --> 00:18:34,682
until we can get
a street crew out here

489
00:18:34,715 --> 00:18:37,051
to fill it in the morning,
but, hey,

490
00:18:37,084 --> 00:18:39,286
at the risk of sounding
overly optimistic,

491
00:18:39,319 --> 00:18:41,221
it looks like residents
are on their way

492
00:18:41,254 --> 00:18:44,291
to having their street
back any moment now. I...

493
00:18:44,324 --> 00:18:46,060
[Nandor]
Wait. Wait!

494
00:18:46,093 --> 00:18:47,494
Kevin, you got this?

495
00:18:47,527 --> 00:18:49,229
Looks like this story
is not quite over yet.

496
00:18:49,262 --> 00:18:52,499
A very odd and dangerous
new development happening here.

497
00:18:52,532 --> 00:18:54,335
-Whoa, whoa whoa--
-Shit!

498
00:18:54,368 --> 00:18:55,736
[Nadja]
Fucking idiots!

499
00:18:55,769 --> 00:18:57,204
[Joanna] An antique car
has rolled into

500
00:18:57,237 --> 00:19:00,341
the sinkhole,
and a group of locals

501
00:19:00,374 --> 00:19:02,343
are now working together
to retrieve it.

502
00:19:02,376 --> 00:19:04,345
[Laszlo]
Initiate diversion,
Colin Robinson.

503
00:19:04,378 --> 00:19:06,180
Initiate diversion.

504
00:19:06,213 --> 00:19:08,415
[Joanna]
All right, there's a guy,
and, uh,

505
00:19:08,448 --> 00:19:10,417
he doesn't work for us.

506
00:19:10,450 --> 00:19:12,419
Okay, and he's throwing
fire in the van. Kev?

507
00:19:14,254 --> 00:19:15,623
[Joanna] Oh! Holy fuck.

508
00:19:15,656 --> 00:19:18,092
[flat tone]

509
00:19:18,125 --> 00:19:20,060
Nope, not my problem.

510
00:19:20,093 --> 00:19:22,329
[Lisa]
All right, uh,
apologies to our viewers,

511
00:19:22,362 --> 00:19:25,366
but it appears we have
lost our Staten Island feed.

512
00:19:25,399 --> 00:19:27,268
[Ted]
We are working
to contact our team

513
00:19:27,301 --> 00:19:29,436
to make sure everything is okay.

514
00:19:29,469 --> 00:19:30,738
Whoa.

515
00:19:30,771 --> 00:19:32,105
[laughs]

516
00:19:32,839 --> 00:19:34,275
[Kevin]
We lost the feed.
We lost it.

517
00:19:34,308 --> 00:19:35,743
Are you getting this?
Are you filming?

518
00:19:35,776 --> 00:19:37,678
[Kevin] Satellite's not
transmitting to studio,

519
00:19:37,711 --> 00:19:38,445
-but I'm recording on the card.
-Get it on the memory card.

520
00:19:38,478 --> 00:19:39,413
Do not stop.

521
00:19:39,446 --> 00:19:40,581
[screams]

522
00:19:40,614 --> 00:19:42,750
What is going on?
Are they flying?!

523
00:19:42,783 --> 00:19:44,351
Oh, oh!

524
00:19:44,384 --> 00:19:45,753
Okay, call the station
and tell them that

525
00:19:45,786 --> 00:19:47,454
-we're coming in
with the footage.
-Okay.

526
00:19:49,489 --> 00:19:51,292
-Excuse me.
-[all] What?

527
00:19:51,325 --> 00:19:54,561
I think Joanna caught us
flying on tape. FYI.

528
00:19:54,594 --> 00:19:56,163
We need to follow that tape

529
00:19:56,196 --> 00:19:58,832
and steal that tape
and destroy that tape.

530
00:19:58,865 --> 00:20:02,069
[Laszlo]
Absolutely, continue with
the second part of the plan.

531
00:20:02,102 --> 00:20:03,571
This sounds like
a slightly different plan.

532
00:20:03,604 --> 00:20:05,639
No, it's the same plan. Bat!

533
00:20:07,074 --> 00:20:09,143
[bats squeaking]

534
00:20:09,176 --> 00:20:10,644
Assholes!

535
00:20:15,549 --> 00:20:17,251
Apologies, for the technical
diffic

536
00:20:17,284 --> 00:20:19,620
but I hear we have some
truly inexplicable footage

537
00:20:19,653 --> 00:20:21,355
from Joanna en route.

538
00:20:21,388 --> 00:20:22,723
-[objects clattering]
-[shouting]

539
00:20:22,756 --> 00:20:24,358
[Colin]
Hand it over, camera jockey.

540
00:20:24,391 --> 00:20:25,693
[Laszlo] Show yourself,
Joanna Roscoe.

541
00:20:25,726 --> 00:20:27,161
[Colin]
I got Joanna's camera!

542
00:20:27,194 --> 00:20:29,530
Ladies and gentlemen,
one moment.

543
00:20:29,563 --> 00:20:32,199
Bit of confusion here in studio.

544
00:20:32,232 --> 00:20:34,168
[Ted]
I'll say. Who are you people?

545
00:20:34,201 --> 00:20:36,036
What are you doing in here?
This is a closed set...

546
00:20:36,069 --> 00:20:39,340
[Nandor] You will fall asleep
and forget everything

547
00:20:39,373 --> 00:20:41,174
that has happened here tonight.

548
00:20:42,175 --> 00:20:43,544
And then fall off your chair.

549
00:20:43,577 --> 00:20:45,145
What about all the people

550
00:20:45,178 --> 00:20:46,380
who just saw Lisa Lipton

551
00:20:46,413 --> 00:20:48,048
and Ted Spinelli get hypnotized?

552
00:20:48,081 --> 00:20:49,717
[Nadja] We go on
and hypnotize them, too?

553
00:20:49,750 --> 00:20:51,718
[Nandor]
Yes, good idea.

554
00:20:53,053 --> 00:20:57,224
[quivering voice] To all of the
viewers of the Channel 8 News,

555
00:20:57,257 --> 00:20:59,360
you will remember nothing

556
00:20:59,393 --> 00:21:02,596
out of the ordinary tonight.

557
00:21:02,629 --> 00:21:04,064
[Nandor] That is all ye know,

558
00:21:04,097 --> 00:21:06,233
and all ye need to know.

559
00:21:06,266 --> 00:21:09,436
Actually, pretty solid solution.

560
00:21:09,469 --> 00:21:11,038
Should we just leave now?

561
00:21:11,071 --> 00:21:12,740
No, that will
look very suspicious

562
00:21:12,773 --> 00:21:14,808
to the humans
that have just tuned in.

563
00:21:14,841 --> 00:21:16,543
Just read the words
on the screen.

564
00:21:16,576 --> 00:21:18,345
Uh...

565
00:21:20,814 --> 00:21:23,050
Hip-hip pup-rade.

566
00:21:23,083 --> 00:21:25,119
Indeed. It is time again

567
00:21:25,152 --> 00:21:27,321
for Staten Island's
annual puppy parade.

568
00:21:27,354 --> 00:21:29,723
Which is always
a barking good time.

569
00:21:29,756 --> 00:21:32,192
Here's hoping we have
some nice weather

570
00:21:32,225 --> 00:21:34,695
for these promenading pooches.

571
00:21:34,728 --> 00:21:37,531
And now,
let's turn it over to...

572
00:21:37,564 --> 00:21:39,566
Colin Robinson with the weather.

573
00:21:39,599 --> 00:21:43,070
Seems like a wet one
out there tonight,

574
00:21:43,103 --> 00:21:44,371
right, Colin Robinson?

575
00:21:44,404 --> 00:21:45,539
Not as wet

576
00:21:45,572 --> 00:21:47,207
as it could have been,
Nadja,

577
00:21:47,240 --> 00:21:48,709
but still,
no fun for anyone

578
00:21:48,742 --> 00:21:51,245
who forgot
their umbrella at home.

579
00:21:51,278 --> 00:21:52,279
Let's take a look at

580
00:21:52,312 --> 00:21:53,380
the News 8 WeatherWall

581
00:21:53,413 --> 00:21:55,549
with high Doppler action.

582
00:21:55,582 --> 00:21:57,685
And this patch right here,

583
00:21:57,718 --> 00:22:00,387
um... well, that's

584
00:22:00,420 --> 00:22:03,557
a little schmutz there
on the old WeatherWall

585
00:22:03,590 --> 00:22:06,260
with high Doppler action.

586
00:22:06,293 --> 00:22:09,563
But this patch up here,
this is a bit of good news.

587
00:22:09,596 --> 00:22:11,799
New Yorkers,
you can rest easy tonight

588
00:22:11,832 --> 00:22:14,602
and enjoy a little
sunshine this weekend.

589
00:22:14,635 --> 00:22:18,038
Perfect weather
for a puppy parade.

590
00:22:18,071 --> 00:22:21,575
Our four-legged friends will
certainly be happy to hear that.

591
00:22:21,608 --> 00:22:24,245
And now we turn to...

592
00:22:24,278 --> 00:22:26,046
Laszlo Cravensworth,

593
00:22:26,079 --> 00:22:30,184
who better be telling me
my New York football Giants

594
00:22:30,217 --> 00:22:34,688
are raring to go for Sunday's
game against the Cowboys.

595
00:22:34,721 --> 00:22:36,457
Thanks, Nandor.

596
00:22:36,490 --> 00:22:39,126
From your lips to
Coach Daboll's ears.

597
00:22:39,159 --> 00:22:41,262
Big Blue is having
a big season,

598
00:22:41,295 --> 00:22:43,430
but the Cowboys
are on a roll themselves.

599
00:22:43,463 --> 00:22:46,600
So let's just say
that for either team,

600
00:22:46,633 --> 00:22:48,535
the road to a W
is going to be paved

601
00:22:48,568 --> 00:22:51,572
with blood, sweat and tears.

602
00:22:51,605 --> 00:22:54,007
Here's my lovely wife Nadja.

603
00:22:54,808 --> 00:22:56,410
Thank you, my love.

604
00:22:56,443 --> 00:22:59,213
Well, that is it for us
tonight, New York.

605
00:22:59,246 --> 00:23:02,549
And from everyone
at Channel 8 News:

606
00:23:02,582 --> 00:23:03,817
-Goodbye.
-Goodbye.

607
00:23:03,850 --> 00:23:05,319
Goodbye.

608
00:23:05,352 --> 00:23:06,654
Bye, then.

609
00:23:06,687 --> 00:23:09,522
[Laszlo]
That's it, try and look normal.

610
00:23:21,335 --> 00:23:23,170
Well, good.

611
00:23:23,203 --> 00:23:25,639
I don't want anything bad
to happen to them, so...

612
00:23:25,672 --> 00:23:27,608
I guess I always
imagined the hardest part

613
00:23:27,641 --> 00:23:30,411
of being a vampire was
keeping your identity a secret,

614
00:23:30,444 --> 00:23:33,647
but I guess
the hardest part is...

615
00:23:33,680 --> 00:23:36,250
[sighs] who you leave behind.

616
00:23:36,283 --> 00:23:37,818
You know?

617
00:23:37,851 --> 00:23:39,620
The goodbyes.

618
00:23:39,653 --> 00:23:41,422
[yells]

619
00:23:41,455 --> 00:23:43,590
["Ride of the Valkyries"
by Richard Wagner plays]

620
00:23:47,361 --> 00:23:49,095
[yells]

621
00:23:50,764 --> 00:23:51,798
[gasps]

622
00:23:55,135 --> 00:23:56,503
Whoa!

623
00:23:56,536 --> 00:23:58,439
What the fuck is going on?!

624
00:23:58,472 --> 00:24:00,507
♪ ♪

625
00:24:35,342 --> 00:24:38,842
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org