1
00:00:04,824 --> 00:00:05,892
Good evening, New Yorkers,
2
00:00:05,925 --> 00:00:08,360
and welcome to
Channel 8 News, Live at 7:00.
3
00:00:08,393 --> 00:00:10,763
-I'm Ted Spinelli.
-And I'm Lisa Lipton.
4
00:00:10,796 --> 00:00:13,131
A big day in news
across the city,
5
00:00:13,164 --> 00:00:14,734
but we begin in Staten Island,
6
00:00:14,767 --> 00:00:17,537
where a water main break in the
West New Brighton neighborhood
7
00:00:17,570 --> 00:00:20,238
left the streets looking
more like rivers.
8
00:00:20,272 --> 00:00:22,675
Joanna Roscoe is live
from Staten Island now.
9
00:00:22,708 --> 00:00:24,209
That's right, Lisa.
10
00:00:24,242 --> 00:00:26,546
This was the scene
just hours ago
11
00:00:26,579 --> 00:00:30,382
on what is usually considered
a quiet residential street.
12
00:00:30,415 --> 00:00:32,250
Now, as you can see behind me,
13
00:00:32,284 --> 00:00:34,252
city workers have
managed to stop
14
00:00:34,286 --> 00:00:35,688
the street-level flooding,
15
00:00:35,721 --> 00:00:38,658
but underground flooding
still remains a concern.
16
00:00:38,691 --> 00:00:40,425
Oh, boy. That means
a messy commute home
17
00:00:40,458 --> 00:00:42,460
for a few Staten Islanders,
right, Joanna?
18
00:00:42,494 --> 00:00:43,663
Yeah, it sure does.
19
00:00:43,696 --> 00:00:45,397
Now I am here with
a local resident
20
00:00:45,430 --> 00:00:47,733
who has been watching
the situation closely.
21
00:00:47,767 --> 00:00:49,367
His name is Nandor...
22
00:00:49,401 --> 00:00:51,336
Nandor the Relentless.
23
00:00:51,369 --> 00:00:53,138
Nandor De Laurentis.
24
00:00:53,171 --> 00:00:55,641
Now, Nandor, you live in
this neighborhood, correct?
25
00:00:55,675 --> 00:00:57,610
Yes, that's right, Joanna, I do.
26
00:00:57,643 --> 00:00:59,444
In that house just over there.
27
00:00:59,477 --> 00:01:02,113
With my friends. It's fun.
28
00:01:02,147 --> 00:01:03,281
Great.
29
00:01:03,315 --> 00:01:05,818
And as I understand,
you were on the street
30
00:01:05,851 --> 00:01:07,587
when the water main broke.
Can you tell us about that?
31
00:01:07,620 --> 00:01:08,854
Yes, I can, Joanna.
32
00:01:08,888 --> 00:01:10,890
I was going
for my evening stroll,
33
00:01:10,923 --> 00:01:12,692
which I do for my mental health
34
00:01:12,725 --> 00:01:14,560
as well as for
my physical health,
35
00:01:14,594 --> 00:01:16,596
and then,
all of a sudden, crash!
36
00:01:16,629 --> 00:01:19,164
Burst!
37
00:01:19,197 --> 00:01:20,533
Water, it shoots
38
00:01:20,566 --> 00:01:22,300
into the air, and then, like,
39
00:01:22,334 --> 00:01:23,536
all over the street.
40
00:01:23,569 --> 00:01:25,437
Now, Nandor,
have you seen an incident
41
00:01:25,470 --> 00:01:27,640
in this area like this before?
42
00:01:27,673 --> 00:01:31,142
Not since the great
flood in 1892, Joanna.
43
00:01:31,176 --> 00:01:32,712
That was a big boy.
44
00:01:32,745 --> 00:01:34,513
1892.
45
00:01:34,547 --> 00:01:38,450
Oh, silly me. Not... not 1892.
46
00:01:38,483 --> 00:01:41,587
1992.
47
00:01:41,621 --> 00:01:44,557
Yeah, I was gonna say, uh, 1892?
48
00:01:44,590 --> 00:01:47,258
Give me this guy's
skin care secrets.
49
00:01:47,292 --> 00:01:50,228
Because 1892 was
a year that was not
50
00:01:50,261 --> 00:01:52,197
in my, uh, human lifespan,
51
00:01:52,230 --> 00:01:55,333
but 1992 most definitely was.
52
00:01:55,367 --> 00:01:57,335
It's 2023 now...
53
00:01:57,369 --> 00:01:59,705
-Right.
-...and it was 1992 then.
54
00:01:59,739 --> 00:02:01,439
And I have been living
in Staten Island
55
00:02:01,473 --> 00:02:02,842
for many centuries.
56
00:02:02,875 --> 00:02:04,342
Many centuries.
57
00:02:04,376 --> 00:02:07,412
Well, it looks like
we have discovered
58
00:02:07,445 --> 00:02:10,248
the secret to eternal life.
59
00:02:10,281 --> 00:02:12,752
Now, I do have a...
60
00:02:12,785 --> 00:02:15,821
Well, Ted and Lisa,
I will be here,
61
00:02:15,855 --> 00:02:18,323
on the ground,
monitoring the situation
62
00:02:18,356 --> 00:02:20,358
as it develops. Back to you.
63
00:02:20,392 --> 00:02:23,529
Oh, shitty shit. I fucked it.
64
00:02:25,698 --> 00:02:28,266
♪ Don't sing if you want
to live long ♪
65
00:02:28,299 --> 00:02:30,670
♪ They have no use
for your song ♪
66
00:02:30,703 --> 00:02:33,405
♪ You're dead, you're dead,
you're dead ♪
67
00:02:33,438 --> 00:02:36,341
♪ You're dead
and out of this world ♪
68
00:02:37,777 --> 00:02:40,813
♪ Now your hope and compassion
is gone ♪
69
00:02:40,846 --> 00:02:43,616
♪ You sold out your dream
to the world ♪
70
00:02:43,649 --> 00:02:45,885
♪ Stay dead, stay dead,
stay dead ♪
71
00:02:45,918 --> 00:02:47,987
♪ You're dead
and out of this world. ♪
72
00:02:58,329 --> 00:03:00,666
Shit, shit,
shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
73
00:03:00,700 --> 00:03:02,300
From the diaphragm.
74
00:03:02,333 --> 00:03:03,301
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
75
00:03:03,334 --> 00:03:04,904
Guillermo!
76
00:03:04,937 --> 00:03:06,706
Gizmo is not here.
77
00:03:06,739 --> 00:03:08,841
Colin Robinson,
turn on the television.
78
00:03:08,874 --> 00:03:09,942
Channel 8.
79
00:03:09,975 --> 00:03:11,476
Your arms broken?
80
00:03:11,510 --> 00:03:13,012
Please!
81
00:03:13,045 --> 00:03:14,013
All right.
82
00:03:14,046 --> 00:03:15,715
This is go...
83
00:03:15,748 --> 00:03:17,016
But there is some worry that...
84
00:03:17,049 --> 00:03:18,450
Huh.
85
00:03:18,483 --> 00:03:20,485
That's our street. Huh.
Well, that's neat.
86
00:03:20,519 --> 00:03:21,754
That is not neat.
87
00:03:21,787 --> 00:03:23,354
I may have committed
88
00:03:23,388 --> 00:03:26,357
an unforgivable
and irreversible blunder.
89
00:03:26,391 --> 00:03:28,627
Okay, Nandor, don't get
your knickers in a twist.
90
00:03:28,661 --> 00:03:30,863
I-I accidentally told
this Joanna Roscoe
91
00:03:30,896 --> 00:03:33,999
that we have lived in this
street for many centuries.
92
00:03:34,033 --> 00:03:35,433
You did what?
93
00:03:35,467 --> 00:03:37,770
And now she and
all of the viewers
94
00:03:37,803 --> 00:03:40,039
of Channel 8 News Live at 7:00
95
00:03:40,072 --> 00:03:42,373
know that we are vampires.
96
00:03:42,407 --> 00:03:43,776
And now--
97
00:03:43,809 --> 00:03:45,578
And now all of the humans
are going to
98
00:03:45,611 --> 00:03:46,812
drive us out of Staten Island
99
00:03:46,846 --> 00:03:48,346
like they drove us
out of the Old Country.
100
00:03:48,379 --> 00:03:50,616
Alea iacta est.
101
00:03:50,649 --> 00:03:52,450
Game over.
102
00:03:52,484 --> 00:03:54,620
No, no!
103
00:03:54,653 --> 00:03:55,988
This time, we fight!
104
00:03:56,021 --> 00:03:58,423
This is our last stand!
105
00:03:59,759 --> 00:04:01,627
-Who's with me?
-Me!
106
00:04:02,995 --> 00:04:04,764
Silence!
107
00:04:04,797 --> 00:04:06,565
I have a plan.
108
00:04:06,599 --> 00:04:09,535
I think we should
kill Joanna Roscoe.
109
00:04:09,568 --> 00:04:12,071
And what would that solve?
110
00:04:12,104 --> 00:04:14,006
Do you have any better ideas?
111
00:04:15,040 --> 00:04:16,909
Where is Guillermo?!
112
00:04:18,409 --> 00:04:20,980
So, yeah, tonight's kind of
a farewell,
113
00:04:21,013 --> 00:04:22,681
goodbye dinner
for me and my mom.
114
00:04:22,715 --> 00:04:24,083
She doesn't know
that it's a goodbye,
115
00:04:24,116 --> 00:04:25,918
but when I become
a full vampire,
116
00:04:25,951 --> 00:04:27,385
it won't be safe for my family,
117
00:04:27,418 --> 00:04:29,555
or for me because
118
00:04:29,588 --> 00:04:31,791
they are vampire killers,
119
00:04:31,824 --> 00:04:33,726
and I'll be a vampire.
120
00:04:33,759 --> 00:04:35,027
It's kind of heavy,
actually,
121
00:04:35,060 --> 00:04:37,563
if you think about it.
122
00:04:37,596 --> 00:04:39,031
No one imagines
they'll have to say
123
00:04:39,064 --> 00:04:40,966
a final goodbye
to their mom, but...
124
00:04:41,000 --> 00:04:42,935
here we are.
125
00:04:42,968 --> 00:04:44,670
Mami.
126
00:04:44,703 --> 00:04:47,338
Oh. Oh, everyone's here.
I thought it was just going
127
00:04:47,372 --> 00:04:48,707
-to be you and me.
-Hi.
128
00:04:48,741 --> 00:04:50,910
Oh, Tía. Wow, you're also here.
129
00:04:53,846 --> 00:04:55,681
You hungry? You hungry?
130
00:04:55,714 --> 00:04:57,917
Hey, Memo.
131
00:04:57,950 --> 00:04:59,552
These guys are still
doing that documentary
132
00:04:59,585 --> 00:05:01,120
on losers who work
at the railroad, huh?
133
00:05:01,153 --> 00:05:02,487
-All right.
-Ah, I'm just playing.
134
00:05:02,521 --> 00:05:03,689
-Okay.
-Hey, we're putting my tía's
135
00:05:03,722 --> 00:05:05,658
-gifts right there.
-Hmm?
136
00:05:05,691 --> 00:05:07,660
The gifts.
137
00:05:07,693 --> 00:05:11,096
Wait, you didn't bring a gift
for your own mama's birthday?
138
00:05:11,130 --> 00:05:12,598
So, funny thing.
139
00:05:12,631 --> 00:05:13,999
In the middle of, uh,
140
00:05:14,033 --> 00:05:15,901
making it a big day about me,
141
00:05:15,935 --> 00:05:19,404
I totally forgot that
it's a big day for her.
142
00:05:19,437 --> 00:05:21,607
It's her birthday,
143
00:05:21,640 --> 00:05:24,043
but birthday or no,
I need to do this.
144
00:05:24,076 --> 00:05:26,078
Mami, Mami.
145
00:05:27,445 --> 00:05:28,714
Can I talk to you
in private, please?
146
00:05:33,451 --> 00:05:36,655
...local resident Nandor,
who has some insights.
147
00:05:41,760 --> 00:05:44,429
...part of a pattern of
local infrastructure failures?
148
00:05:44,462 --> 00:05:46,699
Yes, Joanna. If I may...
149
00:05:48,801 --> 00:05:52,104
To the millions
and millions of viewers
150
00:05:52,137 --> 00:05:55,174
of Channel 8 News Live at 7:00,
151
00:05:55,207 --> 00:05:57,042
you will forget...
152
00:05:57,076 --> 00:05:59,712
Apologies to Joanna
and Mr. De Laurentis,
153
00:05:59,745 --> 00:06:02,147
but we have some breaking news.
154
00:06:02,181 --> 00:06:03,682
The National Weather Service
has announced
155
00:06:03,716 --> 00:06:06,051
a severe thunderstorm
warning for the city.
156
00:06:06,085 --> 00:06:08,419
We now go to meteorologist
Heather Dupont...
157
00:06:14,793 --> 00:06:17,062
I leave the house
for one fucking minute...
158
00:06:17,096 --> 00:06:18,697
Memo!
159
00:06:28,874 --> 00:06:31,442
It's not a big deal,
as long as they just...
160
00:06:31,476 --> 00:06:32,678
answer the fucking phone.
161
00:06:32,711 --> 00:06:33,979
Fucking hell.
162
00:06:34,013 --> 00:06:35,480
Damn!
163
00:06:35,514 --> 00:06:37,583
Look out, look out!
164
00:06:37,616 --> 00:06:39,818
Oh, fuck this. Ah!
165
00:06:39,852 --> 00:06:41,620
- Should I answer that?
- Announcement.
166
00:06:41,654 --> 00:06:44,556
After methodical analysis,
I have decided
167
00:06:44,590 --> 00:06:45,891
that it is not a good idea
168
00:06:45,925 --> 00:06:47,993
to kill Joanna Roscoe.
169
00:06:48,027 --> 00:06:49,595
No shit, you human fart.
170
00:06:49,628 --> 00:06:51,462
Now, help me
booby-trap the staircase.
171
00:06:51,496 --> 00:06:52,898
Maybe I should just
take it off the hook?
172
00:06:52,932 --> 00:06:53,832
Hello?
173
00:06:55,567 --> 00:06:57,703
Colin Robinson, now is
not the time for decorating.
174
00:06:57,736 --> 00:06:59,071
Get your fucking go-bag.
175
00:06:59,104 --> 00:07:00,739
Vampires must always
176
00:07:00,773 --> 00:07:02,473
be prepared to skip out of town
177
00:07:02,508 --> 00:07:03,609
at a moment's notice.
178
00:07:03,642 --> 00:07:06,178
I have been chased out
of five, maybe six
179
00:07:06,211 --> 00:07:07,947
villages over the course
of my vampiric life,
180
00:07:07,980 --> 00:07:09,915
and believe me,
you don't want to be
181
00:07:09,949 --> 00:07:12,685
caught out there fleeing with
only the clothes on your back,
182
00:07:12,718 --> 00:07:14,853
sleeping at the bottom
of a cold well,
183
00:07:14,887 --> 00:07:16,487
sucking on the throats
of the mountain goats
184
00:07:16,522 --> 00:07:17,389
you once called your brothers.
185
00:07:17,423 --> 00:07:20,125
No. So, what was
the first thing I did
186
00:07:20,159 --> 00:07:21,527
when I moved to Staten Island?
187
00:07:21,560 --> 00:07:22,928
I made the go-bags.
188
00:07:22,962 --> 00:07:25,631
I have decided on
a multi-part plan.
189
00:07:25,664 --> 00:07:26,732
The first part of which:
190
00:07:26,765 --> 00:07:29,134
Kidnap Joanna Roscoe.
191
00:07:29,168 --> 00:07:30,536
And how is that going to help?
192
00:07:30,569 --> 00:07:31,503
Takes us to step two.
193
00:07:31,537 --> 00:07:33,772
Everybody,
194
00:07:33,806 --> 00:07:35,674
in your go-bags you will find
195
00:07:35,708 --> 00:07:37,643
your emergency
fleeing checklist.
196
00:07:37,676 --> 00:07:38,677
Okay.
197
00:07:38,711 --> 00:07:40,179
"Ancestral soils."
198
00:07:40,212 --> 00:07:41,213
Check.
199
00:07:41,246 --> 00:07:43,649
"Three days' supply of blood."
200
00:07:43,682 --> 00:07:44,950
Eh... Oof.
201
00:07:44,984 --> 00:07:47,052
A little bit rank, but check.
202
00:07:47,086 --> 00:07:49,755
"Memorize new identity."
203
00:07:49,788 --> 00:07:51,090
"Oh, hello.
204
00:07:51,123 --> 00:07:52,758
"My name is Sally Rhubarb.
205
00:07:52,791 --> 00:07:55,694
"I am a blonde girl
from a large farm,
206
00:07:55,728 --> 00:08:00,132
and my blackberry pie wins
every year at the county fair."
207
00:08:00,165 --> 00:08:01,133
-Don't sit there.
-Why not?
208
00:08:01,166 --> 00:08:02,534
Because.
209
00:08:03,902 --> 00:08:06,305
- The whole ground floor
is booby-trapped
210
00:08:06,338 --> 00:08:07,473
for our final stand.
211
00:08:07,506 --> 00:08:09,575
Oh, yes, because the attackers
first thing they will do
212
00:08:09,608 --> 00:08:11,043
is come down and
take a nice rest.
213
00:08:11,076 --> 00:08:13,145
I think you're all
wasting valuable time.
214
00:08:13,178 --> 00:08:15,247
-Thank you.
-What you need to do
215
00:08:15,280 --> 00:08:16,882
is get a kidnapping sack.
216
00:08:16,915 --> 00:08:18,250
No, you need to get your go-bag.
217
00:08:18,283 --> 00:08:20,019
And you need to trust the plan.
218
00:08:20,052 --> 00:08:22,154
-Get your go-bag.
-Trust the plan.
219
00:08:22,187 --> 00:08:24,690
-Get your go-bag.
-Trust...
220
00:08:24,723 --> 00:08:26,992
Hey, you two may want
to have your argument
221
00:08:27,026 --> 00:08:29,028
away from the
chandelier fall zone.
222
00:08:29,061 --> 00:08:30,763
- Also, mind the trip wire.
- Fucking hell.
223
00:08:32,364 --> 00:08:34,299
-Places, places!
-It's all right.
It's all right, my darling.
224
00:08:34,333 --> 00:08:35,734
I'll protect you.
225
00:08:35,768 --> 00:08:37,903
-This is it.
This is our final stand.
-Be calm.
226
00:08:37,936 --> 00:08:40,873
Would you stop fucking
saying that, Colin Robinson?
227
00:08:40,906 --> 00:08:42,174
Step back, my darling.
228
00:08:42,207 --> 00:08:44,176
Friends, fear not.
229
00:08:45,077 --> 00:08:47,346
I went back to
Channel 8 News Live at 7:00
230
00:08:47,379 --> 00:08:49,181
and hypnotized
the audience, so...
231
00:08:49,214 --> 00:08:50,783
We saw.
232
00:08:50,816 --> 00:08:53,285
And no, you did not
hypnotize anyone, Nandor.
233
00:08:53,318 --> 00:08:54,420
Those television humans
234
00:08:54,453 --> 00:08:55,921
interrupted your blather
with a warning of a storm.
235
00:08:55,954 --> 00:08:58,657
This is all Guillermo's fault!
236
00:08:58,690 --> 00:09:01,060
- He's not back yet, is he?
- No.
237
00:09:01,093 --> 00:09:03,729
Also, why is your
hair yellow, Nadja?
238
00:09:03,762 --> 00:09:04,863
-I am not Nadja.
-Oh.
239
00:09:04,897 --> 00:09:05,931
I am Sally Rhubarb.
240
00:09:05,964 --> 00:09:07,666
There is only
one way out of this:
241
00:09:07,699 --> 00:09:10,302
We must kill Joanna Roscoe.
242
00:09:10,335 --> 00:09:12,838
Which were my thoughts exactly,
243
00:09:12,871 --> 00:09:14,239
but if you follow "Arrow F,"
244
00:09:14,273 --> 00:09:16,341
you'll find a far more
sophisticated plan.
245
00:09:16,375 --> 00:09:18,610
"Kidnap Joanna Roscoe"?
246
00:09:18,644 --> 00:09:20,112
Which is step one of the plan.
247
00:09:20,145 --> 00:09:22,614
-And then what?
-Step two.
248
00:09:23,782 --> 00:09:26,752
Welcome back to
Channel 8 News, Live at 7:00.
249
00:09:26,785 --> 00:09:29,221
We'll check in with
Joanna Roscoe, but first...
250
00:09:29,254 --> 00:09:31,123
And then I saw that diesel
was as cheap as gas.
251
00:09:31,156 --> 00:09:32,691
So I took it back to
the rent-a-car spot
252
00:09:32,724 --> 00:09:33,959
and say, "Hey, homie,
how am I supposed to know
253
00:09:33,992 --> 00:09:35,828
Corollas don't take diesel?"
254
00:09:35,861 --> 00:09:37,696
Guillermo?
255
00:09:37,729 --> 00:09:39,264
- Are you okay?
- You know what?
256
00:09:39,298 --> 00:09:40,899
He doesn't listen, all right?
Don't even bother.
257
00:09:40,933 --> 00:09:43,635
I'm listening.
258
00:09:43,669 --> 00:09:44,636
That's what it is. The screens.
259
00:09:44,670 --> 00:09:46,071
You need to cut
that shit off, cold turkey.
260
00:09:46,105 --> 00:09:48,240
Just like I did with
the Sierra Mist, huh, Ma?
261
00:09:48,273 --> 00:09:51,009
Guillermo, you're working
too much. It's not healthy.
262
00:09:51,043 --> 00:09:52,211
You need to be
healthy like I am.
263
00:09:52,244 --> 00:09:53,378
No Sierra Mist,
264
00:09:53,412 --> 00:09:54,713
no whack bosses.
I told my last boss,
265
00:09:54,746 --> 00:09:57,116
"Hey, jefe, you want to try
to ruin my life like that?
266
00:09:57,149 --> 00:09:58,984
Boom. Toma."
267
00:10:00,219 --> 00:10:01,253
But, you know,
you're probably too scared
268
00:10:01,286 --> 00:10:02,988
-to do that.
-I'm not scared, Miguel.
269
00:10:03,021 --> 00:10:05,858
I'm not scared.
I recently made a big move.
270
00:10:05,891 --> 00:10:09,661
My old boss kept
promising me a promotion,
271
00:10:09,695 --> 00:10:10,796
and I got tired of waiting.
272
00:10:10,829 --> 00:10:12,197
Wow.
273
00:10:12,231 --> 00:10:13,799
Yeah, yeah.
274
00:10:13,832 --> 00:10:14,933
So I'm here.
275
00:10:16,969 --> 00:10:18,103
-Are you here, though?
-Yeah, I'm here.
276
00:10:18,137 --> 00:10:19,071
Why are you still
all on your phone, then?
277
00:10:19,104 --> 00:10:21,206
Because, it's the transition.
I haven't...
278
00:10:21,240 --> 00:10:23,041
officially left
the old railroad,
279
00:10:23,075 --> 00:10:25,944
and, uh, haven't
officially started
280
00:10:25,978 --> 00:10:27,746
-the new one.
-How many railroads
even are there?
281
00:10:27,779 --> 00:10:30,716
Let's just eat, huh?
Why don't we all just eat?
282
00:10:30,749 --> 00:10:34,253
I do not have a name
in the traditional sense.
283
00:10:34,286 --> 00:10:36,221
And you said that you
work for the city...
284
00:10:39,925 --> 00:10:41,260
Right, Joanna Roscoe.
285
00:10:41,293 --> 00:10:42,861
There will be damage.
286
00:10:42,895 --> 00:10:45,063
Bloodshed, too.
287
00:10:45,097 --> 00:10:47,966
This is why I propose a truce.
288
00:10:48,000 --> 00:10:50,869
Because we are not so
different, you and us.
289
00:10:50,903 --> 00:10:53,372
We all want peace.
290
00:10:53,405 --> 00:10:55,040
- Yello?
- Hey, Sean,
291
00:10:55,073 --> 00:10:56,475
this is Guillermo
from next door.
292
00:10:56,509 --> 00:10:59,978
Yo, Guillermo. How's it goin'?
What can I do for you?
293
00:11:00,012 --> 00:11:01,947
Yeah, I was wondering
if you could do me a favor.
294
00:11:01,980 --> 00:11:04,149
If you can go next door
and tell the vam...
295
00:11:04,183 --> 00:11:07,085
Uh, Laszlo and Nadja
and everyone at the house
296
00:11:07,119 --> 00:11:08,487
if they could just,
can they stay
297
00:11:08,521 --> 00:11:10,155
inside the house
and just stay put
298
00:11:10,189 --> 00:11:12,057
until I get there? Could you
do that for me, please?
299
00:11:12,090 --> 00:11:13,458
That's gonna be a little tricky.
300
00:11:13,492 --> 00:11:15,961
There's been a water main break
on our street,
301
00:11:15,994 --> 00:11:18,830
and these TV fuckers
parked their van
302
00:11:18,864 --> 00:11:21,033
-right on the front lawn...
-And someone else is here.
303
00:11:21,066 --> 00:11:22,502
-...which I just
resodded last year.
-Sean? What are you doing?
304
00:11:22,535 --> 00:11:24,504
The territory of Staten Island
305
00:11:24,537 --> 00:11:28,473
can, nay, must be shared
between our people...
306
00:11:28,508 --> 00:11:31,109
Looks like there's a lot of
excitement over there.
307
00:11:31,143 --> 00:11:32,844
Speaking of excitement,
308
00:11:32,878 --> 00:11:35,881
you'll never guess what this
Bronx seventh grader is doing
309
00:11:35,914 --> 00:11:38,116
to raise money
for the rainforest.
310
00:11:40,285 --> 00:11:42,120
A nine-step plan!
311
00:11:42,154 --> 00:11:44,790
-Make sure it's bloody
straight, you idiot.
-Yes.
312
00:11:44,823 --> 00:11:47,192
Reason and diplomacy
did not work,
313
00:11:47,226 --> 00:11:48,360
as you all saw.
314
00:11:48,393 --> 00:11:51,296
So let us do it. Let us flee.
315
00:11:52,965 --> 00:11:54,800
-Us?
-Yes.
316
00:11:54,833 --> 00:11:56,268
And if they won't go,
317
00:11:56,301 --> 00:11:58,837
then it will be just you
and I, into the night.
318
00:11:58,870 --> 00:12:01,773
Um, okay. C-Cool.
319
00:12:01,807 --> 00:12:03,842
I shall go prepare my disguise.
320
00:12:07,913 --> 00:12:10,015
So, bad news.
321
00:12:10,048 --> 00:12:12,552
There's been an emergency
with, uh, a train.
322
00:12:12,585 --> 00:12:14,186
So I'm gonna have to head out.
323
00:12:14,219 --> 00:12:16,021
I called it, didn't I?
324
00:12:16,054 --> 00:12:18,357
Mami? Mami, can we just
have that talk really quick,
325
00:12:18,390 --> 00:12:20,058
- the one I was
telling you about?
326
00:12:20,092 --> 00:12:21,426
Gracias. Por favor.
327
00:12:21,460 --> 00:12:22,928
Hello?
328
00:12:22,961 --> 00:12:25,163
-Laszlo? Laszlo.
-Who is this?
329
00:12:25,197 --> 00:12:26,431
Sorry, Mom. Por favor.
330
00:12:26,465 --> 00:12:27,432
What do you mean,
"who is it"? It's Guillermo.
331
00:12:27,466 --> 00:12:29,134
Oh, Gizmo. What do you want?
332
00:12:29,167 --> 00:12:30,302
What the hell's
going on over there?
333
00:12:30,335 --> 00:12:31,903
Can't talk right now.
334
00:12:31,937 --> 00:12:32,739
To cut a shit story short,
335
00:12:32,771 --> 00:12:34,306
-we've been found out.
-Huh?
336
00:12:34,339 --> 00:12:36,041
The whole world knows
337
00:12:36,074 --> 00:12:38,443
that vampires are real
and that we are they.
338
00:12:38,477 --> 00:12:39,911
Okay, Laszlo,
just do me a favor.
339
00:12:39,945 --> 00:12:41,079
Just stay put, okay?
I'll be over soon.
340
00:12:41,113 --> 00:12:42,447
Don't you tell me what to do.
341
00:12:42,481 --> 00:12:44,016
- Laszlo?
- I have con...
342
00:12:44,049 --> 00:12:45,250
Laszlo?
343
00:12:45,284 --> 00:12:47,319
-That's too small, you prick.
-Who's there with you?
344
00:12:47,352 --> 00:12:49,021
-You think?
-Just stay put, okay?
345
00:12:49,054 --> 00:12:51,524
We have to get Joanna Roscoe's
entire body in there.
346
00:12:51,557 --> 00:12:53,593
- No. What are you...
- We need to get
a grown woman in there.
347
00:12:53,626 --> 00:12:55,027
What are you...
What are you doing?
348
00:12:55,060 --> 00:12:56,295
I think this bag is big enough.
349
00:12:56,328 --> 00:12:58,263
-All right, well, get in it.
-Laszlo?
350
00:12:58,297 --> 00:12:59,865
-Okay.
-What's going on? Laszlo?
351
00:12:59,898 --> 00:13:01,967
-Oy vey. Too small.
-Too fucking small.
352
00:13:02,000 --> 00:13:04,269
-If we are to
kidnap Joanna Roscoe,
-No!
353
00:13:04,303 --> 00:13:06,204
-we need a sack large enough
for her entire body.
-Beep, beep.
354
00:13:06,238 --> 00:13:09,274
Now, don't phone here again.
We are incredibly busy.
355
00:13:09,308 --> 00:13:10,475
-Do not kidnap...
-We don't need to be distracted.
356
00:13:10,510 --> 00:13:12,844
Gizmo? Huh.
357
00:13:12,878 --> 00:13:15,847
Blasted boy, hung up on me.
358
00:13:15,881 --> 00:13:17,215
Fucking hell, Nandor.
Get a bigger sack.
359
00:13:17,249 --> 00:13:19,117
Laszlo?
360
00:13:20,252 --> 00:13:23,121
-I found one!
-No, Nandor.
361
00:13:23,155 --> 00:13:24,389
This is a very big bag.
362
00:13:24,423 --> 00:13:26,491
I tried it already. I fit.
363
00:13:26,526 --> 00:13:27,893
It's translucent.
364
00:13:27,926 --> 00:13:29,294
We could add a blindfold?
365
00:13:29,328 --> 00:13:30,329
Yes, but it would add time.
366
00:13:30,362 --> 00:13:31,463
Is anybody listening to me?
367
00:13:31,496 --> 00:13:34,866
You need to get your go-bags!
368
00:13:36,502 --> 00:13:37,969
-Mami?
-Mm-hmm?
369
00:14:27,018 --> 00:14:28,053
No.
370
00:14:30,088 --> 00:14:31,390
No...
371
00:15:21,541 --> 00:15:23,341
How's it going?
372
00:15:25,711 --> 00:15:29,214
It was like this
when I got here.
373
00:15:29,247 --> 00:15:32,685
So, this is it, then?
This is really goodbye,
374
00:15:32,718 --> 00:15:34,554
my agápi mou.
375
00:15:34,587 --> 00:15:36,988
I'm afraid so, my mátia mou.
376
00:15:37,022 --> 00:15:38,558
I must see my plan through.
377
00:15:38,591 --> 00:15:40,593
It has many steps.
378
00:15:40,626 --> 00:15:42,027
- Ready!
- Oh!
379
00:15:42,060 --> 00:15:43,395
Oh.
380
00:15:43,428 --> 00:15:44,496
So, when the villagers
who are chasing us
381
00:15:44,530 --> 00:15:46,331
say they are looking for
a blonde and a brunette...
382
00:15:47,567 --> 00:15:50,001
Well, I guess I didn't
really think it through.
383
00:15:50,035 --> 00:15:52,137
Housemates.
384
00:15:52,170 --> 00:15:53,238
Friends.
385
00:15:53,271 --> 00:15:54,339
The Guide.
386
00:15:54,372 --> 00:15:56,174
A great enemy is upon us.
387
00:15:57,275 --> 00:16:01,279
Joanna Roscoe and her army
of Channel 8 viewers.
388
00:16:01,313 --> 00:16:03,014
This is not
the first foe we have met,
389
00:16:03,048 --> 00:16:04,784
nor will it be the last.
390
00:16:04,817 --> 00:16:07,085
They may outnumber us,
391
00:16:07,118 --> 00:16:10,088
they may have a satellite truck
392
00:16:10,121 --> 00:16:13,391
and a Sky High chopper,
whatever the fuck,
393
00:16:13,425 --> 00:16:15,126
but what do we have?
394
00:16:15,160 --> 00:16:17,429
-Kidnapping sack.
-Go-bags!
-The skull of Orson Welles.
395
00:16:17,462 --> 00:16:18,531
Each other.
396
00:16:18,564 --> 00:16:19,565
-Oh.
-Oh.
397
00:16:19,599 --> 00:16:22,100
Look at us, running around,
this way and that,
398
00:16:22,133 --> 00:16:24,135
focusing on our own plans.
399
00:16:24,169 --> 00:16:25,705
We all have
a part to play in this,
400
00:16:25,738 --> 00:16:27,405
and play it we must,
401
00:16:27,439 --> 00:16:29,642
-but together.
-Hear, hear.
402
00:16:29,675 --> 00:16:31,176
-Thank you, Laszlo.
-Now, get the fuck on with it
403
00:16:31,209 --> 00:16:33,445
Yes, this is all
your fault, you know.
404
00:16:33,478 --> 00:16:37,182
For this shithole on
Staten Island is our home,
405
00:16:37,215 --> 00:16:38,651
and 30 years from now,
406
00:16:38,684 --> 00:16:40,185
when you, Nadja,
407
00:16:40,218 --> 00:16:41,721
are sat there by that fireplace
408
00:16:41,754 --> 00:16:44,155
and you have a little ghost
dolly on your knee,
409
00:16:44,189 --> 00:16:46,291
and she looks up at you,
and she says,
410
00:16:46,324 --> 00:16:49,461
"What did you do during
the great vampire battle?"
411
00:16:49,494 --> 00:16:51,697
Maybe you won't
need to say to her,
412
00:16:51,731 --> 00:16:55,367
"Me, dolly? I was shoveling
shit in Louisiana."
413
00:16:55,400 --> 00:16:57,269
I would never do that.
414
00:16:57,302 --> 00:16:58,604
Okay, you guys, I'm back.
415
00:16:58,638 --> 00:17:02,073
No need to worry 'cause
I have a plan...
416
00:17:03,308 --> 00:17:04,677
- Whoa.
- Shit!
417
00:17:04,710 --> 00:17:06,244
For crying out loud.
418
00:17:08,648 --> 00:17:09,815
We are fine, Guillermo.
419
00:17:09,849 --> 00:17:11,416
In fact, we are better
than fine. We are great.
420
00:17:11,449 --> 00:17:13,351
We have our own plan.
421
00:17:13,385 --> 00:17:14,452
Okay, I'm just trying
to help cal--
422
00:17:14,486 --> 00:17:16,556
Nadja, when did you go blonde?
423
00:17:16,589 --> 00:17:17,590
I mean, you look really--
424
00:17:17,623 --> 00:17:18,724
I don't have time to tell you
425
00:17:18,758 --> 00:17:20,191
everything that you've
missed, traitor.
426
00:17:20,225 --> 00:17:22,327
Look, I know I haven't
been around, but--
427
00:17:22,360 --> 00:17:24,262
It's fine. I get it.
428
00:17:24,296 --> 00:17:26,331
You have your life
and we have ours.
429
00:17:26,364 --> 00:17:27,600
And if tonight
has taught us nothing else,
430
00:17:27,633 --> 00:17:28,734
then it has taught us this:
431
00:17:28,768 --> 00:17:32,572
We can survive
quite easily without you.
432
00:17:36,374 --> 00:17:37,543
Well, okay, then.
433
00:17:37,577 --> 00:17:39,344
Wait, what?
434
00:17:39,377 --> 00:17:40,478
You seem to have everything
under control,
435
00:17:40,513 --> 00:17:42,582
so good luck.
436
00:17:42,615 --> 00:17:44,584
I wouldn't go that way
if I were you.
437
00:17:44,617 --> 00:17:46,786
-Why not?
-Ever hear of a Bouncing Betty?
438
00:17:46,819 --> 00:17:49,822
A schrapnellmine
in the authentic German?
439
00:17:54,894 --> 00:17:58,731
Our latest model is now showing
that those mild showers
440
00:17:58,764 --> 00:18:00,198
won't be hitting
the five boroughs
441
00:18:00,231 --> 00:18:02,602
until 4:00 a.m. at the earliest.
442
00:18:02,635 --> 00:18:03,669
All right, that's
great news. Still time
443
00:18:03,703 --> 00:18:04,804
to pull in that lawn furniture.
444
00:18:04,837 --> 00:18:07,339
And speaking
of unexpected waters,
445
00:18:07,372 --> 00:18:08,373
Joanna Roscoe is back
446
00:18:08,406 --> 00:18:09,508
with an update for us
447
00:18:09,542 --> 00:18:11,611
on that Staten Island
water main break.
448
00:18:11,644 --> 00:18:13,378
What's it looking like, Joanna?
449
00:18:13,411 --> 00:18:16,616
Hi, Ted. I am happy to report
450
00:18:16,649 --> 00:18:17,917
that this story finally has
451
00:18:17,950 --> 00:18:19,518
a happy ending.
452
00:18:19,552 --> 00:18:21,453
The water main has been sealed,
453
00:18:21,486 --> 00:18:23,823
and the underground leaks
have been brought
454
00:18:23,856 --> 00:18:24,890
under control.
455
00:18:24,924 --> 00:18:26,792
Now there is a small sinkhole,
456
00:18:26,826 --> 00:18:28,527
but the area
has been cordoned off
457
00:18:28,561 --> 00:18:30,930
to prevent it from
widening any further
458
00:18:30,963 --> 00:18:32,898
until we can get
a street crew out here
459
00:18:32,932 --> 00:18:35,266
to fill it in the morning,
but, hey,
460
00:18:35,300 --> 00:18:37,503
at the risk of sounding
overly optimistic,
461
00:18:37,536 --> 00:18:39,471
it looks like residents
are on their way
462
00:18:39,505 --> 00:18:42,474
to having their street
back any moment now. I...
463
00:18:42,508 --> 00:18:44,242
Wait. Wait!
464
00:18:44,275 --> 00:18:45,611
Kevin, you got this?
465
00:18:45,645 --> 00:18:47,345
Looks like this story
is not quite over yet.
466
00:18:47,379 --> 00:18:50,716
A very odd and dangerous
new development happening here.
467
00:18:50,750 --> 00:18:52,585
-Whoa, whoa, whoa--
-Shit!
468
00:18:52,618 --> 00:18:53,919
Fucking idiots!
469
00:18:53,953 --> 00:18:55,453
An antique car
has rolled into
470
00:18:55,487 --> 00:18:58,624
the sinkhole,
and a group of locals
471
00:18:58,658 --> 00:19:00,626
are now working together
to retrieve it.
472
00:19:00,660 --> 00:19:02,628
Initiate diversion,
Colin Robinson.
473
00:19:02,662 --> 00:19:04,462
Initiate diversion.
474
00:19:04,496 --> 00:19:06,699
All right, there's a guy,
and, uh,
475
00:19:06,732 --> 00:19:08,668
he doesn't work for us.
476
00:19:08,701 --> 00:19:10,670
Okay, and he's throwing
fire in the van. Kev?
477
00:19:12,538 --> 00:19:13,906
Oh! Holy fuck.
478
00:19:16,408 --> 00:19:17,977
Nope, not my problem.
479
00:19:18,010 --> 00:19:20,613
All right, uh,
apologies to our viewers,
480
00:19:20,646 --> 00:19:23,649
but it appears we have
lost our Staten Island feed.
481
00:19:23,683 --> 00:19:25,551
We are working
to contact our team
482
00:19:25,584 --> 00:19:27,753
to make sure everything is okay.
483
00:19:27,787 --> 00:19:29,254
Whoa.
484
00:19:31,289 --> 00:19:32,158
We lost the feed.
We lost it.
485
00:19:32,190 --> 00:19:33,659
Are you getting this?
Are you filming?
486
00:19:33,693 --> 00:19:35,360
Satellite's not
transmitting to studio,
487
00:19:35,393 --> 00:19:36,729
-but I'm recording on the card.
-Get it on the memory card.
488
00:19:36,762 --> 00:19:37,730
Do not stop.
489
00:19:38,864 --> 00:19:41,266
What is going on?
Are they flying?!
490
00:19:41,299 --> 00:19:42,668
Oh, oh!
491
00:19:42,702 --> 00:19:44,269
Okay, call the station
and tell them that
492
00:19:44,302 --> 00:19:45,738
-we're coming in
with the footage.
-Okay.
493
00:19:47,807 --> 00:19:49,608
- Excuse me.
- What?
494
00:19:49,642 --> 00:19:52,878
I think Joanna caught us
flying on tape. FYI.
495
00:19:52,912 --> 00:19:54,446
We need to follow that tape
496
00:19:54,479 --> 00:19:57,315
and steal that tape
and destroy that tape.
497
00:19:57,348 --> 00:20:00,418
Absolutely, continue with
the second part of the plan.
498
00:20:00,452 --> 00:20:01,921
This sounds like
a slightly different plan.
499
00:20:01,954 --> 00:20:03,989
No, it's the same plan. Bat!
500
00:20:07,860 --> 00:20:09,528
Assholes!
501
00:20:12,064 --> 00:20:14,533
Apologies for the technical
difficulties, folks,
502
00:20:14,567 --> 00:20:17,570
but I hear we have some
truly inexplicable footage
503
00:20:17,603 --> 00:20:19,304
from Joanna en route.
504
00:20:20,305 --> 00:20:22,307
Hand it over, camera jockey.
505
00:20:22,340 --> 00:20:23,676
Show yourself,
Joanna Roscoe.
506
00:20:23,709 --> 00:20:24,744
I got Joanna's camera!
507
00:20:24,777 --> 00:20:27,479
Ladies and gentlemen,
one moment.
508
00:20:27,513 --> 00:20:29,982
Bit of confusion here in studio.
509
00:20:30,015 --> 00:20:31,984
I'll say. Who are you people?
510
00:20:32,017 --> 00:20:33,819
What are you doing in here?
This is a closed set...
511
00:20:33,853 --> 00:20:37,322
You will fall asleep
and forget everything
512
00:20:37,355 --> 00:20:39,024
that has happened here tonight.
513
00:20:39,992 --> 00:20:41,560
And then fall off your chair.
514
00:20:41,594 --> 00:20:42,962
What about all the people
515
00:20:42,995 --> 00:20:44,362
who just saw Lisa Lipton
516
00:20:44,395 --> 00:20:45,865
and Ted Spinelli get hypnotized?
517
00:20:45,898 --> 00:20:47,733
We go on
and hypnotize them, too?
518
00:20:47,767 --> 00:20:49,735
Yes, good idea.
519
00:20:51,469 --> 00:20:55,074
To all of the
viewers of the Channel 8 News,
520
00:20:55,107 --> 00:20:57,408
you will remember nothing
521
00:20:57,442 --> 00:21:00,646
out of the ordinary tonight.
522
00:21:00,679 --> 00:21:01,914
That is all ye know,
523
00:21:01,947 --> 00:21:04,083
and all ye need to know.
524
00:21:04,116 --> 00:21:07,520
Actually, pretty solid solution.
525
00:21:07,553 --> 00:21:08,888
Should we just leave now?
526
00:21:08,921 --> 00:21:10,823
No, that will
look very suspicious
527
00:21:10,856 --> 00:21:12,892
to the humans
that have just tuned in.
528
00:21:12,925 --> 00:21:14,627
Just read the words
on the screen.
529
00:21:14,660 --> 00:21:16,427
Uh...
530
00:21:18,931 --> 00:21:20,933
Hip-hip pup-rade.
531
00:21:20,966 --> 00:21:23,035
Indeed. It is time again
532
00:21:23,068 --> 00:21:25,403
for Staten Island's
annual puppy parade.
533
00:21:25,436 --> 00:21:27,807
Which is always
a barking good time.
534
00:21:27,840 --> 00:21:30,075
Here's hoping we have
some nice weather
535
00:21:30,109 --> 00:21:32,778
for these promenading pooches.
536
00:21:32,812 --> 00:21:35,648
And now,
let's turn it over to...
537
00:21:35,681 --> 00:21:37,650
Colin Robinson with the weather.
538
00:21:37,683 --> 00:21:40,953
Seems like a wet one
out there tonight,
539
00:21:40,986 --> 00:21:42,453
right, Colin Robinson?
540
00:21:42,487 --> 00:21:43,556
Not as wet
541
00:21:43,589 --> 00:21:45,090
as it could have been,
Nadja,
542
00:21:45,124 --> 00:21:46,792
but still,
no fun for anyone
543
00:21:46,826 --> 00:21:49,360
who forgot
their umbrella at home.
544
00:21:49,394 --> 00:21:50,361
Let's take a look at
545
00:21:50,395 --> 00:21:51,496
the News 8 WeatherWall
546
00:21:51,530 --> 00:21:53,699
with high Doppler action.
547
00:21:53,732 --> 00:21:55,801
And this patch right here,
548
00:21:55,835 --> 00:21:58,469
um... well, that's
549
00:21:58,504 --> 00:22:01,674
a little schmutz there
on the old WeatherWall
550
00:22:01,707 --> 00:22:04,143
with high Doppler action.
551
00:22:04,176 --> 00:22:07,680
But this patch up here,
this is a bit of good news.
552
00:22:07,713 --> 00:22:09,915
New Yorkers,
you can rest easy tonight
553
00:22:09,949 --> 00:22:12,751
and enjoy a little
sunshine this weekend.
554
00:22:12,785 --> 00:22:15,988
Perfect weather
for a puppy parade.
555
00:22:16,021 --> 00:22:19,725
Our four-legged friends will
certainly be happy to hear that.
556
00:22:19,758 --> 00:22:22,393
And now we turn to...
557
00:22:22,427 --> 00:22:23,996
Laszlo Cravensworth,
558
00:22:24,029 --> 00:22:28,133
who better be telling me
my New York football Giants
559
00:22:28,167 --> 00:22:32,838
are raring to go for Sunday's
game against the Cowboys.
560
00:22:32,872 --> 00:22:34,607
Thanks, Nandor.
561
00:22:34,640 --> 00:22:37,076
From your lips to
Coach Daboll's ears.
562
00:22:37,109 --> 00:22:39,410
Big Blue is having
a big season,
563
00:22:39,444 --> 00:22:41,580
but the Cowboys
are on a roll themselves.
564
00:22:41,614 --> 00:22:44,750
So let's just say
that for either team,
565
00:22:44,783 --> 00:22:46,719
the road to a W
is going to be paved
566
00:22:46,752 --> 00:22:49,755
with blood, sweat and tears.
567
00:22:49,788 --> 00:22:51,957
Here's my lovely wife Nadja.
568
00:22:53,058 --> 00:22:54,660
Thank you, my love.
569
00:22:54,693 --> 00:22:57,428
Well, that is it for us
tonight, New York.
570
00:22:57,462 --> 00:23:00,799
And from everyone
at Channel 8 News:
571
00:23:00,833 --> 00:23:02,067
-Goodbye.
-Goodbye.
572
00:23:02,101 --> 00:23:03,535
Goodbye.
573
00:23:03,569 --> 00:23:04,870
Bye, then.
574
00:23:04,904 --> 00:23:07,740
That's it, try and look normal.
575
00:23:19,551 --> 00:23:21,186
Well, good.
576
00:23:21,220 --> 00:23:23,889
I don't want anything bad
to happen to them, so...
577
00:23:23,923 --> 00:23:25,824
I guess I always
imagined the hardest part
578
00:23:25,858 --> 00:23:28,661
of being a vampire was
keeping your identity a secret,
579
00:23:28,694 --> 00:23:31,864
but I guess
the hardest part is...
580
00:23:31,897 --> 00:23:34,465
who you leave behind.
581
00:23:34,499 --> 00:23:36,068
You know?
582
00:23:36,101 --> 00:23:37,836
The goodbyes.
583
00:23:53,252 --> 00:23:54,820
Whoa!
584
00:23:54,853 --> 00:23:56,722
What the fuck is going on?!