1 00:00:04,905 --> 00:00:08,242 I have given a strange girl the most beautiful gift... 2 00:00:08,276 --> 00:00:10,078 The gift of becoming a vampiric 3 00:00:10,111 --> 00:00:13,047 bloodsucking creature of the shadows. 4 00:00:13,081 --> 00:00:14,382 Did you see that? 5 00:00:14,415 --> 00:00:15,659 She has not yet blossomed 6 00:00:15,683 --> 00:00:18,519 into her full vampiric state, 7 00:00:18,552 --> 00:00:20,254 but I think she is on her way. 8 00:00:20,288 --> 00:00:23,657 Oh, what the hell is happening to me? 9 00:00:25,193 --> 00:00:26,560 Sorry if I don't 10 00:00:26,594 --> 00:00:29,163 seem up to my normal self. I just... 11 00:00:29,197 --> 00:00:31,432 I've just been going through changes. 12 00:00:33,901 --> 00:00:35,603 Having crazy dreams. 13 00:00:35,636 --> 00:00:36,970 Like, super weird. 14 00:00:39,307 --> 00:00:41,942 My friends have noticed. 15 00:00:45,045 --> 00:00:46,880 Mood swings. Unusual cravings. 16 00:00:49,750 --> 00:00:51,952 I'm usually a flexatarian. 17 00:00:51,985 --> 00:00:54,188 Who else? Michelangelo Buonarroti. 18 00:00:54,222 --> 00:00:55,689 Michelangelo... 19 00:00:55,723 --> 00:00:57,591 I've developed an eye sensitivity 20 00:00:57,625 --> 00:01:00,328 and skin sensitivity. 21 00:01:01,962 --> 00:01:04,031 And sometimes... 22 00:01:04,064 --> 00:01:05,633 sometimes I have this urge 23 00:01:05,666 --> 00:01:08,068 to tear my roommate to shreds. 24 00:01:42,703 --> 00:01:46,940 Thank you all for coming to this house meeting. 25 00:01:46,974 --> 00:01:51,011 I must remind everyone that if you are gonna entice a victim 26 00:01:51,044 --> 00:01:54,114 into the house and then you let them live, 27 00:01:54,148 --> 00:01:55,283 show them out. 28 00:01:55,316 --> 00:01:56,684 - Loud and clear. - Fair enough. 29 00:01:56,717 --> 00:01:57,861 - It's common courtesy. - All right. Yes. 30 00:01:57,885 --> 00:01:59,353 - It is. - It is. -Also, 31 00:01:59,387 --> 00:02:01,989 is it possible, for when you leave the house, 32 00:02:02,022 --> 00:02:05,025 to blow out the candles? 33 00:02:05,058 --> 00:02:08,929 Observe. 34 00:02:08,962 --> 00:02:10,631 Simple as that. Major catastrophe 35 00:02:10,664 --> 00:02:12,266 - averted. - What is that 36 00:02:12,300 --> 00:02:14,268 disgusting, putrefied smell? 37 00:02:14,302 --> 00:02:16,537 Like a... snake in heat? 38 00:02:16,570 --> 00:02:18,005 That may be me. 39 00:02:18,038 --> 00:02:21,375 I'm wearing a new cologne called "Mr. Hijinks." 40 00:02:21,409 --> 00:02:22,819 - Okay, great. I am... - Aftershave? 41 00:02:22,843 --> 00:02:24,645 It's a cologne-aftershave mix 42 00:02:24,678 --> 00:02:27,315 - and I found it in the bathroom at work. - Eh, great. 43 00:02:27,348 --> 00:02:29,517 Can we just not talk about the cologne anymore, please? 44 00:02:29,550 --> 00:02:31,027 - Why would you use a cologne? - Shush! 45 00:02:31,051 --> 00:02:32,085 To annoy you. 46 00:02:32,119 --> 00:02:34,522 - Touché. - Please, I am speaking here! 47 00:02:34,555 --> 00:02:37,057 And when I was the leader of my country, 48 00:02:37,090 --> 00:02:40,160 I would kill anyone who disrespected me 49 00:02:40,194 --> 00:02:41,829 when I'm talking about candles. 50 00:02:41,862 --> 00:02:44,698 You were the leader of a country? 51 00:02:44,732 --> 00:02:48,569 Yes. I was the leader of Al Quolanudar. 52 00:02:48,602 --> 00:02:51,205 That sounds like you just made it up. 53 00:02:51,239 --> 00:02:53,016 - Sounds fake. - No, I have not just made it up. 54 00:02:53,040 --> 00:02:54,675 It's a real country. 55 00:02:54,708 --> 00:02:56,353 It's not a fake country, it's a real country. 56 00:02:56,377 --> 00:02:57,911 Al Quolanudar. 57 00:02:57,945 --> 00:02:59,680 - Bless you. - Guillermo, go on your 58 00:02:59,713 --> 00:03:02,650 intelligent telephone machine and l-look it up. 59 00:03:02,683 --> 00:03:03,693 Spell that A... 60 00:03:03,717 --> 00:03:04,852 - A-L. New word. - Uh-huh. 61 00:03:04,885 --> 00:03:06,487 - I've got it. - Oh, great! 62 00:03:06,520 --> 00:03:08,188 Uh, how-how's it doing? 63 00:03:08,222 --> 00:03:10,824 Not so hot. It's dissolved. 64 00:03:10,858 --> 00:03:14,562 - Wha... When did this happen? - 1401. 65 00:03:16,864 --> 00:03:18,499 To find out that your country 66 00:03:18,532 --> 00:03:21,669 has not existed since 1401 67 00:03:21,702 --> 00:03:23,371 is a pretty sudden shock. 68 00:03:24,572 --> 00:03:26,374 It was my home. 69 00:03:26,407 --> 00:03:29,176 Yes, I was driven out for pillaging 70 00:03:29,209 --> 00:03:32,280 and killing and torturing, 71 00:03:32,313 --> 00:03:35,383 and that's fair enough, really. But now what do I have? 72 00:03:37,150 --> 00:03:39,987 Nowhere is my home. 73 00:03:42,256 --> 00:03:43,891 Aah! 74 00:03:45,359 --> 00:03:48,037 It is very disgusting for me to see this little one like this. 75 00:03:48,061 --> 00:03:49,229 She is like a disabled, 76 00:03:49,263 --> 00:03:51,231 very sickly donkey 77 00:03:51,265 --> 00:03:54,234 that you want to smash in the skull because it is just 78 00:03:54,268 --> 00:03:56,036 too pitiful to look at. 79 00:03:56,069 --> 00:03:57,438 Eh, I suppose I was not 80 00:03:57,471 --> 00:03:58,882 much different when I first became a vampire. 81 00:03:58,906 --> 00:04:00,408 No one had had 82 00:04:00,441 --> 00:04:03,444 "the talk" with me about my unholy transition. 83 00:04:03,477 --> 00:04:06,146 I had had no one to guide me. 84 00:04:11,819 --> 00:04:14,254 This is a bag of soil from my homeland 85 00:04:14,288 --> 00:04:15,923 that I take with me when I travel. 86 00:04:15,956 --> 00:04:19,560 'Tis all that is left of Al Quolanudar. 87 00:04:19,593 --> 00:04:22,095 Al Quolanudar! 88 00:04:22,129 --> 00:04:24,798 Al Quolanudar... Shit. 89 00:04:33,441 --> 00:04:34,508 Oh, my God! 90 00:04:35,809 --> 00:04:36,977 Forget it. 91 00:04:37,010 --> 00:04:38,446 What? 92 00:04:38,479 --> 00:04:40,013 You are released. 93 00:04:40,047 --> 00:04:41,949 I'm not hungry. 94 00:04:41,982 --> 00:04:43,751 It's just... 95 00:04:43,784 --> 00:04:47,087 I just found out that my country doesn't exist anymore 96 00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:48,922 and I'm really depressed about it. 97 00:04:48,956 --> 00:04:50,624 And I've lost my appetite. 98 00:04:50,658 --> 00:04:52,326 You don't want to hear about all this. 99 00:04:52,360 --> 00:04:54,762 - Y-You were running away. - W... 100 00:04:54,795 --> 00:04:56,664 Are you okay? 101 00:04:56,697 --> 00:04:59,032 It's kind of you to ask, but really, you go. 102 00:04:59,066 --> 00:05:01,134 Flee. Flee! 103 00:05:05,539 --> 00:05:06,874 Master, are you all right? 104 00:05:06,907 --> 00:05:10,811 I have no country. I have no home. 105 00:05:10,844 --> 00:05:13,981 What? No, this is your home. 106 00:05:14,014 --> 00:05:15,883 And this is your country. 107 00:05:15,916 --> 00:05:18,486 No, it's not and it's not. 108 00:05:18,519 --> 00:05:21,254 Well, maybe you'd feel better if you were an American citizen? 109 00:05:22,322 --> 00:05:24,992 - Is that possible? - Of course. 110 00:05:25,025 --> 00:05:27,127 Yes. 111 00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:30,498 I will make an alliance with this unholy nation 112 00:05:30,531 --> 00:05:32,966 and make this place my home! 113 00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:34,067 There you go. 114 00:05:34,101 --> 00:05:35,244 I think that's a bus stop there. 115 00:05:35,268 --> 00:05:37,270 I'll see you back at home. 116 00:05:42,710 --> 00:05:44,812 Yeah, it's become pretty clear to me 117 00:05:44,845 --> 00:05:48,081 - that I'm turning into a vampire. - I bit your neck. 118 00:05:48,115 --> 00:05:50,884 I made you drink my blood. What did you think I was doing? 119 00:05:50,918 --> 00:05:54,755 I don't know. I-I just didn't think vampires existed and... 120 00:05:54,788 --> 00:05:58,692 You are giving me sarcasm? 121 00:05:58,726 --> 00:06:01,228 I-I enjoy. 122 00:06:01,261 --> 00:06:03,731 Am I gonna feel like crap for all eternity? 123 00:06:03,764 --> 00:06:07,668 Darling, you feel like crap because you are eating crap. 124 00:06:07,701 --> 00:06:10,237 You are living like a little chimney boy. 125 00:06:10,270 --> 00:06:13,507 If you want to be a powerful, strong vampire, 126 00:06:13,541 --> 00:06:15,943 you just have to complete your transition. 127 00:06:15,976 --> 00:06:18,779 - How do I do that? - Darling, it's nothing. You just 128 00:06:18,812 --> 00:06:21,214 got to drink some human blood, baby. 129 00:06:21,248 --> 00:06:25,252 That's all. I am going to teach you how to kill. 130 00:06:25,285 --> 00:06:27,296 Okay, is there any way I could just drink their blood, 131 00:06:27,320 --> 00:06:29,757 - but not kill them? - Shh. 132 00:06:29,790 --> 00:06:33,160 - You just shut up now, my stupid little baby. - Okay. 133 00:06:35,896 --> 00:06:38,231 So I promised to help my master 134 00:06:38,265 --> 00:06:41,034 - apply for citizenship. - Yes? 135 00:06:41,068 --> 00:06:43,036 Ah, Guillermo. Excellent. 136 00:06:43,070 --> 00:06:45,439 I called Immigration, and 137 00:06:45,473 --> 00:06:48,141 you are eligible for citizenship. 138 00:06:48,175 --> 00:06:49,553 - You actually started the process, - Great. 139 00:06:49,577 --> 00:06:51,111 But you didn't finish. 140 00:06:51,144 --> 00:06:52,145 I didn't? 141 00:06:52,179 --> 00:06:54,247 No. 1992. 142 00:06:54,281 --> 00:06:56,617 I did apply for my American citizenship 143 00:06:56,650 --> 00:06:58,819 back in 1992. 144 00:06:58,852 --> 00:07:01,955 For five reasons and five reasons only: 145 00:07:01,989 --> 00:07:06,760 Johnson, Jordan, Bird, Barkley, Ewing. 146 00:07:06,794 --> 00:07:09,429 The starting lineup for the 1992. 147 00:07:09,463 --> 00:07:13,400 U.S. Olympic men's basketball team. 148 00:07:13,433 --> 00:07:15,469 The Dream Team, baby. 149 00:07:15,503 --> 00:07:18,271 I call this my Dunk Zone. 150 00:07:18,305 --> 00:07:19,940 They were merciless. 151 00:07:19,973 --> 00:07:21,809 Titans amongst men. 152 00:07:21,842 --> 00:07:23,410 Conquerors of the court. 153 00:07:23,443 --> 00:07:24,812 I simply had to 154 00:07:24,845 --> 00:07:27,948 pledge my undying allegiance to their nation. 155 00:07:27,981 --> 00:07:29,025 Well, what happened in 1992? 156 00:07:29,049 --> 00:07:31,919 Why didn't you complete the process? 157 00:07:31,952 --> 00:07:35,623 Probably because the Macarena swept the nation. 158 00:07:35,656 --> 00:07:39,192 So... I didn't really have time for anything else. 159 00:07:39,226 --> 00:07:42,095 Okay, every vampire has their own special power. 160 00:07:42,129 --> 00:07:43,997 So, we need to work out what yours is, 161 00:07:44,031 --> 00:07:47,334 so you can trap and kill your first human meal. 162 00:07:47,367 --> 00:07:49,770 I can fold my tongue like a taco. 163 00:07:49,803 --> 00:07:51,004 What's that? Oh, no. 164 00:07:51,038 --> 00:07:53,807 No. Let's try... You seduce me. 165 00:07:53,841 --> 00:07:55,643 I am just stupid human man. 166 00:07:55,676 --> 00:07:57,845 Oh, ouch, ouch, my balls. 167 00:07:57,878 --> 00:08:00,280 I'd love to drink beer. 168 00:08:00,313 --> 00:08:03,383 - Okay. - Bite your lip seductively. 169 00:08:05,318 --> 00:08:06,954 - Ow. - Okay. 170 00:08:06,987 --> 00:08:10,223 Maybe seduction isn't your special power. 171 00:08:10,257 --> 00:08:11,491 Well, what's your power? 172 00:08:11,525 --> 00:08:13,861 I am an excellent crawler. 173 00:08:13,894 --> 00:08:15,062 - You can see. - Oh. 174 00:08:19,767 --> 00:08:21,702 Oh, she can do everything. 175 00:08:21,735 --> 00:08:23,895 Come on, try it. Maybe you're a creepy crawler like me. 176 00:08:24,938 --> 00:08:26,206 Darling, it's very easy, 177 00:08:26,239 --> 00:08:28,341 you just scratch up the wall. 178 00:08:28,375 --> 00:08:31,311 That's right. Come on. That's it. You're doing... 179 00:08:33,947 --> 00:08:35,649 Oh, no, are you okay? 180 00:08:35,683 --> 00:08:37,250 What the hell is going on? 181 00:08:37,284 --> 00:08:40,220 What's all this mess and what are you doing up there? 182 00:08:40,253 --> 00:08:42,566 Calm down, Laszlo. I was just teaching the little stupid baby 183 00:08:42,590 --> 00:08:44,024 vampire how to crawl. 184 00:08:44,057 --> 00:08:45,325 - Who? - Jenna. 185 00:08:45,358 --> 00:08:46,860 - Who's Jenna? - She's right there. 186 00:08:46,894 --> 00:08:49,162 Oh, right, I didn't see you. 187 00:08:49,196 --> 00:08:50,530 She should be in a bloody cage. 188 00:08:50,564 --> 00:08:52,265 Laszlo. 189 00:08:52,299 --> 00:08:54,668 That's a horrible thing to say. 190 00:08:54,702 --> 00:08:57,270 - Ah, see what you've done. - Ruined her confidence. 191 00:08:57,304 --> 00:09:00,941 - - Damn. - Idiot. 192 00:09:00,974 --> 00:09:03,410 Okay, just imagine we're at the Immigration office 193 00:09:03,443 --> 00:09:04,945 and I'll be the government official. 194 00:09:04,978 --> 00:09:06,580 When and where were you born? 195 00:09:06,614 --> 00:09:09,783 Al Quolanudar. Eh, 1262. 196 00:09:09,817 --> 00:09:11,018 And where is that? 197 00:09:11,051 --> 00:09:12,219 Southern Iran. 198 00:09:12,252 --> 00:09:13,553 Mm-hmm. 199 00:09:13,587 --> 00:09:15,255 Maybe not mention Iran. 200 00:09:15,288 --> 00:09:16,790 Why did you leave your country? 201 00:09:16,824 --> 00:09:20,293 Standard reasons. Uh, driven out by peasants. 202 00:09:21,995 --> 00:09:23,563 How many times have you been married? 203 00:09:23,597 --> 00:09:25,565 - Just the once. - Okay. 204 00:09:25,599 --> 00:09:26,800 To 37 women. 205 00:09:28,736 --> 00:09:30,270 Jenna, 206 00:09:30,303 --> 00:09:33,240 Laszlo is very sorry and he has something to say. 207 00:09:33,273 --> 00:09:35,442 I say, little vampire, 208 00:09:35,475 --> 00:09:37,444 I'm very sorry for saying 209 00:09:37,477 --> 00:09:39,446 you should be kept in a cage. 210 00:09:39,479 --> 00:09:42,249 All of my knowledge and the best of my abilities 211 00:09:42,282 --> 00:09:43,416 will turn you into 212 00:09:43,450 --> 00:09:47,220 the most impressive vampire there is. 213 00:09:47,254 --> 00:09:48,656 Yes! 214 00:09:48,689 --> 00:09:50,624 Hello. 215 00:09:50,658 --> 00:09:53,493 - Really? - Absolutely. 216 00:09:53,526 --> 00:09:54,995 Who is George Washington? 217 00:09:55,028 --> 00:09:56,496 - George Washington? - Yes. 218 00:09:56,529 --> 00:10:00,567 America's first gay president. 219 00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:02,936 I don't think that George Washington was actually... 220 00:10:02,970 --> 00:10:04,471 Yes. 221 00:10:04,504 --> 00:10:07,440 - Hello, Nandor! - Hello. 222 00:10:07,474 --> 00:10:08,842 Is that that virgin girl? 223 00:10:08,876 --> 00:10:10,343 Hi. 224 00:10:11,378 --> 00:10:12,612 Is she a vampire now? 225 00:10:12,646 --> 00:10:15,348 Well, she's got fangs and the white pale face... 226 00:10:15,382 --> 00:10:16,984 It's a pretty major clue. 227 00:10:17,017 --> 00:10:20,688 Anyway, which one is better: 228 00:10:20,721 --> 00:10:22,823 Alt-right or Antifa? 229 00:10:22,856 --> 00:10:24,992 I'm trying to decide which team to join... 230 00:10:25,025 --> 00:10:28,361 I just, uh, found out that Nadja has turned someone... 231 00:10:28,395 --> 00:10:30,798 Someone so random, it's crazy, like, it's crazy... 232 00:10:30,831 --> 00:10:33,300 Into a vampire. 233 00:10:35,703 --> 00:10:37,671 The transformation into a bat 234 00:10:37,705 --> 00:10:39,506 is probably the most important thing 235 00:10:39,539 --> 00:10:41,508 - a vampire can do. - Yes. 236 00:10:41,541 --> 00:10:42,952 Do you have somewhere that I could put my clothes? 237 00:10:42,976 --> 00:10:44,387 - No, no, no. Don't do that. - Wait, what are you doing? 238 00:10:44,411 --> 00:10:47,647 If I'm gonna be a bat, then don't I have to get... 239 00:10:47,681 --> 00:10:49,249 nak... Where do my clothes go? 240 00:10:50,751 --> 00:10:51,952 Huh. 241 00:10:51,985 --> 00:10:53,220 Um... 242 00:10:53,253 --> 00:10:55,488 let's not get bogged down in the details. 243 00:10:55,522 --> 00:10:57,657 - Keep your clothes on for now. - Oh, okay. 244 00:10:58,759 --> 00:11:00,293 Right. 245 00:11:00,327 --> 00:11:02,062 When I turn into a bat, 246 00:11:02,095 --> 00:11:03,731 there's no real skill to it at all. 247 00:11:03,764 --> 00:11:06,033 I just shout "bat!" 248 00:11:07,935 --> 00:11:09,502 Human form! 249 00:11:09,536 --> 00:11:11,671 - Much like that. - Oh, wow. 250 00:11:11,705 --> 00:11:12,706 Your turn. 251 00:11:12,740 --> 00:11:14,241 Okay. 252 00:11:15,508 --> 00:11:18,078 Bat! 253 00:11:18,111 --> 00:11:19,713 - Oh. - Ooh. 254 00:11:19,747 --> 00:11:21,882 It's okay. Calm down and just stop screaming. 255 00:11:21,915 --> 00:11:23,483 - Terrifying. - What the heck? 256 00:11:23,516 --> 00:11:24,994 - What would you even call that? - I don't know. 257 00:11:25,018 --> 00:11:26,820 "We, the people..." 258 00:11:26,854 --> 00:11:28,756 We, the people... 259 00:11:28,789 --> 00:11:30,590 "We, the..." 260 00:11:30,623 --> 00:11:32,359 - Ow! - What was that? 261 00:11:32,392 --> 00:11:35,395 Sounded like someone threw a bag of garbage off the roof. 262 00:11:35,428 --> 00:11:37,865 Well, go and investigate. 263 00:11:42,970 --> 00:11:44,504 Sorry, hi. 264 00:11:44,537 --> 00:11:46,740 - Yep. Bag of garbage. - Uh, hi. 265 00:11:46,774 --> 00:11:48,909 Is there any way you could let me back in? 266 00:11:48,942 --> 00:11:50,744 Yeah. 267 00:11:52,445 --> 00:11:54,090 You can figure it out on your own 268 00:11:54,114 --> 00:11:55,715 since you're a fucking vampire now. 269 00:11:55,749 --> 00:11:57,017 Guillermo? 270 00:11:57,050 --> 00:11:59,987 I can hear you. Heightened senses. 271 00:12:04,724 --> 00:12:07,127 I just don't understand. Turning into a bat 272 00:12:07,160 --> 00:12:09,629 is the easiest thing for a vampire to do. 273 00:12:09,662 --> 00:12:12,800 I am not disappointed with Jenna's progress so far. 274 00:12:12,833 --> 00:12:16,136 So, you know, maybe she doesn't have a special power. 275 00:12:16,169 --> 00:12:18,471 So what? She's a below-average vampire. 276 00:12:18,505 --> 00:12:20,473 Either way, I do think she's very much ready 277 00:12:20,507 --> 00:12:22,075 for her first human meal. 278 00:12:22,109 --> 00:12:23,476 I believe in you very much. 279 00:12:23,510 --> 00:12:24,744 We're going to go to a party 280 00:12:24,778 --> 00:12:26,279 full of hot idiots. 281 00:12:26,313 --> 00:12:27,781 We demand you invite us 282 00:12:27,815 --> 00:12:30,250 inside your house carnival, now. 283 00:12:30,283 --> 00:12:32,052 Yeah, that's gonna be a "no." 284 00:12:32,085 --> 00:12:33,320 Ew. 285 00:12:33,353 --> 00:12:35,923 We will do whatever the hell we want to do. 286 00:12:35,956 --> 00:12:39,893 And you will respect women a lot more after this, okay? 287 00:12:39,927 --> 00:12:41,094 Okay. 288 00:12:45,098 --> 00:12:47,234 Obviously, I'm just going to 289 00:12:47,267 --> 00:12:51,171 hypnotize my interviewer into giving me my citizenship. 290 00:12:51,204 --> 00:12:54,174 When was the last time you traveled out of this country? 291 00:12:54,207 --> 00:12:55,809 Listen to my words. 292 00:12:55,843 --> 00:12:58,278 You will grant me 293 00:12:58,311 --> 00:13:01,014 my American citizenship. 294 00:13:01,048 --> 00:13:04,852 Make me one with your evil empire. 295 00:13:07,287 --> 00:13:08,922 Is this a joke to you, sir? 296 00:13:08,956 --> 00:13:10,924 Um... 297 00:13:10,958 --> 00:13:12,559 No. 298 00:13:14,494 --> 00:13:16,429 - Good. - It seems 299 00:13:16,463 --> 00:13:18,598 that, uh, government workers 300 00:13:18,631 --> 00:13:21,334 are immune to hypnotism. 301 00:13:21,368 --> 00:13:24,671 It's like their souls are dead or something. 302 00:13:24,704 --> 00:13:27,274 Please describe the right to bear arms. 303 00:13:27,307 --> 00:13:30,643 If it's a nice day, 304 00:13:30,677 --> 00:13:34,547 you should have the right 305 00:13:34,581 --> 00:13:37,817 to bare your arms. 306 00:13:37,851 --> 00:13:40,520 All right. Moving on. 307 00:13:40,553 --> 00:13:41,521 I don't detect 308 00:13:41,554 --> 00:13:43,891 any human left in them. 309 00:13:43,924 --> 00:13:45,835 Right. Who in here looks 310 00:13:45,859 --> 00:13:47,861 lovely, yummy-yummy, tasty enough to eat? 311 00:13:47,895 --> 00:13:49,329 Oh, what about him? 312 00:13:49,362 --> 00:13:50,964 He looks like a really good laugh. 313 00:13:50,998 --> 00:13:52,632 He's in my stats class. 314 00:13:52,665 --> 00:13:54,001 So? 315 00:13:54,034 --> 00:13:56,136 So, I-I cannot kill him 316 00:13:56,169 --> 00:13:58,371 because that would be a very big blow to his family. 317 00:13:58,405 --> 00:14:00,573 I can't take that on, emotionally. 318 00:14:00,607 --> 00:14:01,841 Please, darling, listen to me. 319 00:14:01,875 --> 00:14:04,411 We are in a room full of pure asshole. 320 00:14:04,444 --> 00:14:06,179 You can do no wrong. Honestly. 321 00:14:06,213 --> 00:14:09,016 I believe in you, my darling. 322 00:14:09,049 --> 00:14:10,417 - Okay. - Okay. 323 00:14:10,450 --> 00:14:13,386 We elect a president for how many years? 324 00:14:13,420 --> 00:14:15,722 A thousand years. 325 00:14:20,928 --> 00:14:22,029 Okay. 326 00:14:22,062 --> 00:14:23,696 The idea of self-government 327 00:14:23,730 --> 00:14:26,833 is in the first three words of the Constitution. 328 00:14:26,866 --> 00:14:28,969 So, what are these words? 329 00:14:31,804 --> 00:14:32,872 Hmm? 330 00:14:32,906 --> 00:14:36,209 "Hey... you guys." 331 00:14:36,243 --> 00:14:37,911 Yeah. Okay. 332 00:14:37,945 --> 00:14:41,781 What does the Constitution do for the people? 333 00:14:41,814 --> 00:14:43,416 - It... - Oppresses them. 334 00:14:46,219 --> 00:14:48,121 Try and get his attention, darling. 335 00:14:48,155 --> 00:14:49,789 Lovely red face. 336 00:14:49,822 --> 00:14:51,959 Are you enjoying your drink? 337 00:14:51,992 --> 00:14:54,594 Are you enjoying your drink?! 338 00:14:54,627 --> 00:14:56,863 - I don't think he hears me. - No, 339 00:14:56,896 --> 00:14:58,807 I just think maybe you're not trying hard enough. 340 00:14:58,831 --> 00:15:00,133 Just watch me, okay? 341 00:15:00,167 --> 00:15:02,069 Oh, hello. 342 00:15:02,102 --> 00:15:06,306 Oops, I'm... very sorry for bumping into you. 343 00:15:06,339 --> 00:15:08,408 I will punish myself later, 344 00:15:08,441 --> 00:15:10,710 'cause I'm such a bad girl. 345 00:15:10,743 --> 00:15:12,112 Who are your parents? 346 00:15:12,145 --> 00:15:13,613 They are very bad 347 00:15:13,646 --> 00:15:17,584 for making such a big boy. 348 00:15:17,617 --> 00:15:19,286 I love you. 349 00:15:19,319 --> 00:15:20,787 So much. 350 00:15:20,820 --> 00:15:23,090 See? It's very, very easy. 351 00:15:23,123 --> 00:15:25,068 Just might want to spend the rest of my life with you. 352 00:15:25,092 --> 00:15:27,727 - I live to be your slave. - Yes, yes. Now, go upstairs, 353 00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:29,997 put your head deep inside the toilet bowl, 354 00:15:30,030 --> 00:15:32,165 and flush it seven times. 355 00:15:34,167 --> 00:15:36,436 I think-I think that was an abuse of power. 356 00:15:36,469 --> 00:15:38,505 I think it's just an abuse of that boy. 357 00:15:38,538 --> 00:15:40,107 Oh, my...! 358 00:15:40,140 --> 00:15:41,141 Hello. 359 00:15:41,174 --> 00:15:42,242 Hello?! 360 00:15:42,275 --> 00:15:43,476 Okay. No, it's okay. 361 00:15:43,510 --> 00:15:45,245 - He'll-he'll apologize. - No. 362 00:15:45,278 --> 00:15:46,679 You have just spilled 363 00:15:46,713 --> 00:15:48,948 your tankard of mead all over my companion. 364 00:15:48,982 --> 00:15:50,117 What? Who? 365 00:15:50,150 --> 00:15:51,184 Me. 366 00:15:52,352 --> 00:15:54,187 This is pointless! 367 00:15:54,221 --> 00:15:55,688 Nobody sees me! 368 00:15:55,722 --> 00:15:57,991 Why don't they see me? This is pointless! 369 00:15:58,025 --> 00:15:59,492 No, darling, it's not pointless. 370 00:15:59,526 --> 00:16:01,928 No! I'm done! I'm done. I've had it. 371 00:16:01,961 --> 00:16:03,330 - Thank you, I'm sorry. - But... 372 00:16:03,363 --> 00:16:05,532 Excuse me! Could you just... 373 00:16:05,565 --> 00:16:08,368 Can you just get out of my way?! 374 00:16:08,401 --> 00:16:09,936 Get out of my way! 375 00:16:09,969 --> 00:16:12,005 Why does nobody hear me?! 376 00:16:13,840 --> 00:16:15,108 Wh... 377 00:16:17,344 --> 00:16:19,546 - Whoa! - What is that? 378 00:16:22,082 --> 00:16:23,316 Did you see? 379 00:16:23,350 --> 00:16:24,984 Did anyone... Really?! 380 00:16:25,018 --> 00:16:26,153 - Jenna? - Whoa. 381 00:16:26,186 --> 00:16:28,021 You went invisible. 382 00:16:28,055 --> 00:16:30,490 The... Didn't you see it? 383 00:16:30,523 --> 00:16:33,626 You have a very, very special power. 384 00:16:33,660 --> 00:16:37,030 You are going to murder so many human people with this. 385 00:16:40,167 --> 00:16:42,035 Yes. 386 00:16:43,570 --> 00:16:45,148 This is the best night of my life! 387 00:16:45,172 --> 00:16:46,582 - Okay, wait, wait, wait. - Where has she gone? 388 00:16:46,606 --> 00:16:49,076 Dracula's in the house! 389 00:16:49,109 --> 00:16:50,477 Where's my Jenna? 390 00:16:50,510 --> 00:16:51,644 There she is! 391 00:16:51,678 --> 00:16:53,546 This is amazing! 392 00:16:53,580 --> 00:16:57,050 I have a cool vampire power. 393 00:16:57,084 --> 00:16:59,186 Now, I wonder if anyone looks 394 00:16:59,219 --> 00:17:00,853 a little bit yummy-scrummy-bummy 395 00:17:00,887 --> 00:17:03,490 for you to murder with your mouth right now, hey? 396 00:17:11,598 --> 00:17:13,032 Pick him up! 397 00:17:26,113 --> 00:17:28,515 - What the fuck?! - Hi. 398 00:17:28,548 --> 00:17:29,949 Hey, there. Um, no, it's okay. 399 00:17:29,982 --> 00:17:32,585 Aah! 400 00:17:32,619 --> 00:17:36,289 Ah... 401 00:17:41,594 --> 00:17:43,363 Hmm. 402 00:17:43,396 --> 00:17:46,199 Just need a little bit of... little bit of chill. 403 00:17:46,233 --> 00:17:48,901 Okay, s-sorry. Hold-hold still. 404 00:17:48,935 --> 00:17:51,471 Just gonna get the lid on nice and tight and... 405 00:17:51,504 --> 00:17:54,107 on your blood, so it doesn't, um, leak in my backpack. 406 00:17:54,141 --> 00:17:55,808 I've done as you asked, Mistress. 407 00:17:55,842 --> 00:17:57,277 Not now, big boy. 408 00:17:57,310 --> 00:17:58,611 Go and eat some bricks. 409 00:18:00,147 --> 00:18:01,548 Now, 410 00:18:01,581 --> 00:18:03,116 to test your English comprehension, 411 00:18:03,150 --> 00:18:05,118 I'm going to ask you to recite 412 00:18:05,152 --> 00:18:06,619 the Oath of Allegiance. 413 00:18:06,653 --> 00:18:08,355 Okay. 414 00:18:09,756 --> 00:18:11,291 "I hereby declare, on oath," 415 00:18:11,324 --> 00:18:13,726 "that I absolutely and entirely renounce and abjure" 416 00:18:13,760 --> 00:18:16,563 "all allegiance and fidelity to any foreign prince" 417 00:18:16,596 --> 00:18:18,598 "and without any mental reservation" 418 00:18:18,631 --> 00:18:22,335 "or purpose of evasion, so help me G..." 419 00:18:25,838 --> 00:18:28,107 So help me G... 420 00:18:28,141 --> 00:18:30,610 So help me G... 421 00:18:30,643 --> 00:18:34,281 Could I possibly just skip the last bit? Huh? 422 00:18:36,549 --> 00:18:39,452 So help me Go... 423 00:18:40,620 --> 00:18:42,289 Oh... 424 00:18:42,322 --> 00:18:44,757 Ow. Ow. 425 00:18:52,665 --> 00:18:55,368 You ready to go? 426 00:18:55,402 --> 00:18:57,270 I didn't pass. 427 00:18:57,304 --> 00:18:59,439 Made a fool out of myself. 428 00:18:59,472 --> 00:19:02,141 I have no country, I have no home. 429 00:19:02,175 --> 00:19:04,311 I have no people. 430 00:19:04,344 --> 00:19:06,946 I'm like a little lost duck, 431 00:19:06,979 --> 00:19:09,182 floating about in the middle of the ocean. 432 00:19:09,216 --> 00:19:11,218 Oh, will you stop fucking complaining? 433 00:19:12,419 --> 00:19:14,521 - Excuse me? - You know, I'm tired of it. 434 00:19:14,554 --> 00:19:16,456 So what? You're not a fucking American citizen. 435 00:19:16,489 --> 00:19:17,957 You're not a citizen of anything. 436 00:19:17,990 --> 00:19:19,559 You're a vampire! 437 00:19:19,592 --> 00:19:21,661 Okay? You can fly. 438 00:19:21,694 --> 00:19:23,663 You can transport anywhere as a bat! 439 00:19:23,696 --> 00:19:24,897 You are immortal. 440 00:19:24,931 --> 00:19:27,400 Do you have any idea how much 441 00:19:27,434 --> 00:19:29,536 people would pay, who they would kill 442 00:19:29,569 --> 00:19:31,137 just to be who you are? 443 00:19:31,170 --> 00:19:32,672 To be in your shoes? 444 00:19:32,705 --> 00:19:34,741 In your fucking shoes! 445 00:19:34,774 --> 00:19:37,577 You should be fucking proud of yourself. 446 00:19:37,610 --> 00:19:39,712 Proud of who you are. 447 00:19:39,746 --> 00:19:42,715 Wow. 448 00:19:42,749 --> 00:19:44,016 Guillermo. 449 00:19:45,252 --> 00:19:47,420 You are right. 450 00:19:47,454 --> 00:19:49,689 I am a vampire. 451 00:19:49,722 --> 00:19:52,925 A cool and powerful vampire. 452 00:19:56,396 --> 00:19:58,665 Hear my words! 453 00:19:58,698 --> 00:20:02,402 I am a proud vampire! 454 00:20:02,435 --> 00:20:05,204 I will not bow down 455 00:20:05,238 --> 00:20:07,374 to your pathetic bureaucracies. 456 00:20:07,407 --> 00:20:10,877 It is you who will bow down to me! 457 00:20:10,910 --> 00:20:13,613 I don't need your citizenship. 458 00:20:13,646 --> 00:20:15,047 I will rule 459 00:20:15,081 --> 00:20:17,850 this earth for eternity 460 00:20:17,884 --> 00:20:19,419 as you rot 461 00:20:19,452 --> 00:20:22,255 and your bones turn to dust! 462 00:20:23,423 --> 00:20:24,957 Yes! 463 00:20:24,991 --> 00:20:27,427 Sound the alarms! 464 00:20:27,460 --> 00:20:30,697 It won't make no difference! 465 00:20:38,738 --> 00:20:41,574 Guillermo... 466 00:20:41,608 --> 00:20:45,412 I appreciate you telling me how it is back there. 467 00:20:45,445 --> 00:20:49,248 Your tone was highly disrespectful, but... 468 00:20:49,282 --> 00:20:51,451 you were right. 469 00:20:51,484 --> 00:20:52,652 Thank you. 470 00:20:52,685 --> 00:20:54,587 You're welcome. 471 00:20:54,621 --> 00:20:58,257 I guess now that you have your, uh, confidence back, 472 00:20:58,291 --> 00:21:00,827 you probably need some vampire sidekick to... 473 00:21:00,860 --> 00:21:02,228 Nah, I'm good. 474 00:21:02,261 --> 00:21:04,497 Oh. 475 00:21:04,531 --> 00:21:06,098 Hands down, the best night of my life. 476 00:21:06,132 --> 00:21:08,301 I mean, I'm invisible, - Yes. 477 00:21:08,335 --> 00:21:10,136 I ate my first dude, 478 00:21:10,169 --> 00:21:12,439 and I've never stayed up this late. 479 00:21:12,472 --> 00:21:14,016 Can we, like, watch the sun rise or something? 480 00:21:14,040 --> 00:21:15,117 - That would be so nice. - Oh... 481 00:21:15,141 --> 00:21:16,108 We could cozy up. 482 00:21:16,142 --> 00:21:18,110 About that... um... 483 00:21:18,144 --> 00:21:19,746 Funny... very funny story. 484 00:21:19,779 --> 00:21:21,948 You can never go in the sun again, 485 00:21:21,981 --> 00:21:23,616 because if you do, you will 486 00:21:23,650 --> 00:21:26,686 burst into a boiling ball of flame. 487 00:21:26,719 --> 00:21:29,255 Sorry. 488 00:21:29,288 --> 00:21:31,123 I am a little disappointed I didn't get to be 489 00:21:31,157 --> 00:21:32,825 a American citizen. 490 00:21:32,859 --> 00:21:35,662 I was really looking forward to buying a gun. 491 00:21:35,695 --> 00:21:37,506 Oh, you don't need to be a citizen to get a gun. 492 00:21:37,530 --> 00:21:38,965 They'll give those to anyone. 493 00:21:38,998 --> 00:21:40,867 - Really? - Yeah. 494 00:21:40,900 --> 00:21:43,636 Even in Al Quolanudar you couldn't get a sword 495 00:21:43,670 --> 00:21:45,672 without the checking of your background. 496 00:21:45,705 --> 00:21:46,873 I got it! 497 00:21:46,906 --> 00:21:49,275 What? What is it? 498 00:21:49,308 --> 00:21:51,644 Motorcycle helmets protect vampires from the sun. 499 00:21:51,678 --> 00:21:52,712 Haven't you seen Blade? 500 00:21:52,745 --> 00:21:54,213 They put the things on 501 00:21:54,246 --> 00:21:56,383 and then the sun can't hit you. 502 00:21:56,416 --> 00:21:58,017 - Oh. - Trust me. 503 00:21:58,050 --> 00:22:00,520 It's the night of many firsts, for both of us. 504 00:22:00,553 --> 00:22:03,289 You are now a full, strong vampire. 505 00:22:03,322 --> 00:22:05,057 You no longer need me. 506 00:22:05,091 --> 00:22:08,961 And thus, your never-ending journey begins. 507 00:22:08,995 --> 00:22:11,364 - It's so exciting! - It is! 508 00:22:11,398 --> 00:22:13,400 What the fuck? 509 00:22:13,433 --> 00:22:15,301 - Ow! - Curse! 510 00:22:15,334 --> 00:22:16,335 Oh, that's very hot! 511 00:22:16,369 --> 00:22:19,706 We must go! 512 00:23:01,748 --> 00:23:03,716 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH