I have given a strange girl the most beautiful gift...
The gift of becoming a vampiric
bloodsucking creature of the shadows.
Did you see that?
She has not yet blossomed
into her full vampiric state,
but I think she is on her way.
Oh, what the hell is happening to me?
Sorry if I don't
seem up to my normal self. I just...
I've just been going through changes.
Having crazy dreams.
Like, super weird.
My friends have noticed.
Mood swings. Unusual cravings.
I'm usually a flexatarian.
Who else? Michelangelo Buonarroti.
Michelangelo...
I've developed an eye sensitivity
and skin sensitivity.
And sometimes...
sometimes I have this urge
to tear my roommate to shreds.
Thank you all for coming to this house meeting.
I must remind everyone that if you are gonna entice a victim
into the house and then you let them live,
show them out.
- Loud and clear. - Fair enough.
- It's common courtesy. - All right. Yes.
- It is. - It is. -Also,
is it possible, for when you leave the house,
to blow out the candles?
Observe.
Simple as that. Major catastrophe
- averted. - What is that
disgusting, putrefied smell?
Like a... snake in heat?
That may be me.
I'm wearing a new cologne called "Mr. Hijinks."
- Okay, great. I am... - Aftershave?
It's a cologne-aftershave mix
- and I found it in the bathroom at work. - Eh, great.
Can we just not talk about the cologne anymore, please?
- Why would you use a cologne? - Shush!
To annoy you.
- Touché. - Please, I am speaking here!
And when I was the leader of my country,
I would kill anyone who disrespected me
when I'm talking about candles.
You were the leader of a country?
Yes. I was the leader of Al Quolanudar.
That sounds like you just made it up.
- Sounds fake. - No, I have not just made it up.
It's a real country.
It's not a fake country, it's a real country.
Al Quolanudar.
- Bless you. - Guillermo, go on your
intelligent telephone machine and l-look it up.
Spell that A...
- A-L. New word. - Uh-huh.
- I've got it. - Oh, great!
Uh, how-how's it doing?
Not so hot. It's dissolved.
- Wha... When did this happen? - 1401.
To find out that your country
has not existed since 1401
is a pretty sudden shock.
It was my home.
Yes, I was driven out for pillaging
and killing and torturing,
and that's fair enough, really. But now what do I have?
Nowhere is my home.
Aah!
It is very disgusting for me to see this little one like this.
She is like a disabled,
very sickly donkey
that you want to smash in the skull because it is just
too pitiful to look at.
Eh, I suppose I was not
much different when I first became a vampire.
No one had had
"the talk" with me about my unholy transition.
I had had no one to guide me.
This is a bag of soil from my homeland
that I take with me when I travel.
'Tis all that is left of Al Quolanudar.
Al Quolanudar!
Al Quolanudar... Shit.
Oh, my God!
Forget it.
What?
You are released.
I'm not hungry.
It's just...
I just found out that my country doesn't exist anymore
and I'm really depressed about it.
And I've lost my appetite.
You don't want to hear about all this.
- Y-You were running away. - W...
Are you okay?
It's kind of you to ask, but really, you go.
Flee. Flee!
Master, are you all right?
I have no country. I have no home.
What? No, this is your home.
And this is your country.
No, it's not and it's not.
Well, maybe you'd feel better if you were an American citizen?
- Is that possible? - Of course.
Yes.
I will make an alliance with this unholy nation
and make this place my home!
There you go.
I think that's a bus stop there.
I'll see you back at home.
Yeah, it's become pretty clear to me
- that I'm turning into a vampire. - I bit your neck.
I made you drink my blood. What did you think I was doing?
I don't know. I-I just didn't think vampires existed and...
You are giving me sarcasm?
I-I enjoy.
Am I gonna feel like crap for all eternity?
Darling, you feel like crap because you are eating crap.
You are living like a little chimney boy.
If you want to be a powerful, strong vampire,
you just have to complete your transition.
- How do I do that? - Darling, it's nothing. You just
got to drink some human blood, baby.
That's all. I am going to teach you how to kill.
Okay, is there any way I could just drink their blood,
- but not kill them? - Shh.
- You just shut up now, my stupid little baby. - Okay.
So I promised to help my master
- apply for citizenship. - Yes?
Ah, Guillermo. Excellent.
I called Immigration, and
you are eligible for citizenship.
- You actually started the process, - Great.
But you didn't finish.
I didn't?
No. 1992.
I did apply for my American citizenship
back in 1992.
For five reasons and five reasons only:
Johnson, Jordan, Bird, Barkley, Ewing.
The starting lineup for the 1992.
U.S. Olympic men's basketball team.
The Dream Team, baby.
I call this my Dunk Zone.
They were merciless.
Titans amongst men.
Conquerors of the court.
I simply had to
pledge my undying allegiance to their nation.
Well, what happened in 1992?
Why didn't you complete the process?
Probably because the Macarena swept the nation.
So... I didn't really have time for anything else.
Okay, every vampire has their own special power.
So, we need to work out what yours is,
so you can trap and kill your first human meal.
I can fold my tongue like a taco.
What's that? Oh, no.
No. Let's try... You seduce me.
I am just stupid human man.
Oh, ouch, ouch, my balls.
I'd love to drink beer.
- Okay. - Bite your lip seductively.
- Ow. - Okay.
Maybe seduction isn't your special power.
Well, what's your power?
I am an excellent crawler.
- You can see. - Oh.
Oh, she can do everything.
Come on, try it. Maybe you're a creepy crawler like me.
Darling, it's very easy,
you just scratch up the wall.
That's right. Come on. That's it. You're doing...
Oh, no, are you okay?
What the hell is going on?
What's all this mess and what are you doing up there?
Calm down, Laszlo. I was just teaching the little stupid baby
vampire how to crawl.
- Who? - Jenna.
- Who's Jenna? - She's right there.
Oh, right, I didn't see you.
She should be in a bloody cage.
Laszlo.
That's a horrible thing to say.
- Ah, see what you've done. - Ruined her confidence.
- - Damn. - Idiot.
Okay, just imagine we're at the Immigration office
and I'll be the government official.
When and where were you born?
Al Quolanudar. Eh, 1262.
And where is that?
Southern Iran.
Mm-hmm.
Maybe not mention Iran.
Why did you leave your country?
Standard reasons. Uh, driven out by peasants.
How many times have you been married?
- Just the once. - Okay.
To 37 women.
Jenna,
Laszlo is very sorry and he has something to say.
I say, little vampire,
I'm very sorry for saying
you should be kept in a cage.
All of my knowledge and the best of my abilities
will turn you into
the most impressive vampire there is.
Yes!
Hello.
- Really? - Absolutely.
Who is George Washington?
- George Washington? - Yes.
America's first gay president.
I don't think that George Washington was actually...
Yes.
- Hello, Nandor! - Hello.
Is that that virgin girl?
Hi.
Is she a vampire now?
Well, she's got fangs and the white pale face...
It's a pretty major clue.
Anyway, which one is better:
Alt-right or Antifa?
I'm trying to decide which team to join...
I just, uh, found out that Nadja has turned someone...
Someone so random, it's crazy, like, it's crazy...
Into a vampire.
The transformation into a bat
is probably the most important thing
- a vampire can do. - Yes.
Do you have somewhere that I could put my clothes?
- No, no, no. Don't do that. - Wait, what are you doing?
If I'm gonna be a bat, then don't I have to get...
nak... Where do my clothes go?
Huh.
Um...
let's not get bogged down in the details.
- Keep your clothes on for now. - Oh, okay.
Right.
When I turn into a bat,
there's no real skill to it at all.
I just shout "bat!"
Human form!
- Much like that. - Oh, wow.
Your turn.
Okay.
Bat!
- Oh. - Ooh.
It's okay. Calm down and just stop screaming.
- Terrifying. - What the heck?
- What would you even call that? - I don't know.
"We, the people..."
We, the people...
"We, the..."
- Ow! - What was that?
Sounded like someone threw a bag of garbage off the roof.
Well, go and investigate.
Sorry, hi.
- Yep. Bag of garbage. - Uh, hi.
Is there any way you could let me back in?
Yeah.
You can figure it out on your own
since you're a fucking vampire now.
Guillermo?
I can hear you. Heightened senses.
I just don't understand. Turning into a bat
is the easiest thing for a vampire to do.
I am not disappointed with Jenna's progress so far.
So, you know, maybe she doesn't have a special power.
So what? She's a below-average vampire.
Either way, I do think she's very much ready
for her first human meal.
I believe in you very much.
We're going to go to a party
full of hot idiots.
We demand you invite us
inside your house carnival, now.
Yeah, that's gonna be a "no."
Ew.
We will do whatever the hell we want to do.
And you will respect women a lot more after this, okay?
Okay.
Obviously, I'm just going to
hypnotize my interviewer into giving me my citizenship.
When was the last time you traveled out of this country?
Listen to my words.
You will grant me
my American citizenship.
Make me one with your evil empire.
Is this a joke to you, sir?
Um...
No.
- Good. - It seems
that, uh, government workers
are immune to hypnotism.
It's like their souls are dead or something.
Please describe the right to bear arms.
If it's a nice day,
you should have the right
to bare your arms.
All right. Moving on.
I don't detect
any human left in them.
Right. Who in here looks
lovely, yummy-yummy, tasty enough to eat?
Oh, what about him?
He looks like a really good laugh.
He's in my stats class.
So?
So, I-I cannot kill him
because that would be a very big blow to his family.
I can't take that on, emotionally.
Please, darling, listen to me.
We are in a room full of pure asshole.
You can do no wrong. Honestly.
I believe in you, my darling.
- Okay. - Okay.
We elect a president for how many years?
A thousand years.
Okay.
The idea of self-government
is in the first three words of the Constitution.
So, what are these words?
Hmm?
"Hey... you guys."
Yeah. Okay.
What does the Constitution do for the people?
- It... - Oppresses them.
Try and get his attention, darling.
Lovely red face.
Are you enjoying your drink?
Are you enjoying your drink?!
- I don't think he hears me. - No,
I just think maybe you're not trying hard enough.
Just watch me, okay?
Oh, hello.
Oops, I'm... very sorry for bumping into you.
I will punish myself later,
'cause I'm such a bad girl.
Who are your parents?
They are very bad
for making such a big boy.
I love you.
So much.
See? It's very, very easy.
Just might want to spend the rest of my life with you.
- I live to be your slave. - Yes, yes. Now, go upstairs,
put your head deep inside the toilet bowl,
and flush it seven times.
I think-I think that was an abuse of power.
I think it's just an abuse of that boy.
Oh, my...!
Hello.
Hello?!
Okay. No, it's okay.
- He'll-he'll apologize. - No.
You have just spilled
your tankard of mead all over my companion.
What? Who?
Me.
This is pointless!
Nobody sees me!
Why don't they see me? This is pointless!
No, darling, it's not pointless.
No! I'm done! I'm done. I've had it.
- Thank you, I'm sorry. - But...
Excuse me! Could you just...
Can you just get out of my way?!
Get out of my way!
Why does nobody hear me?!
Wh...
- Whoa! - What is that?
Did you see?
Did anyone... Really?!
- Jenna? - Whoa.
You went invisible.
The... Didn't you see it?
You have a very, very special power.
You are going to murder so many human people with this.
Yes.
This is the best night of my life!
- Okay, wait, wait, wait. - Where has she gone?
Dracula's in the house!
Where's my Jenna?
There she is!
This is amazing!
I have a cool vampire power.
Now, I wonder if anyone looks
a little bit yummy-scrummy-bummy
for you to murder with your mouth right now, hey?
Pick him up!
- What the fuck?! - Hi.
Hey, there. Um, no, it's okay.
Aah!
Ah...
Hmm.
Just need a little bit of... little bit of chill.
Okay, s-sorry. Hold-hold still.
Just gonna get the lid on nice and tight and...
on your blood, so it doesn't, um, leak in my backpack.
I've done as you asked, Mistress.
Not now, big boy.
Go and eat some bricks.
Now,
to test your English comprehension,
I'm going to ask you to recite
the Oath of Allegiance.
Okay.
"I hereby declare, on oath,"
"that I absolutely and entirely renounce and abjure"
"all allegiance and fidelity to any foreign prince"
"and without any mental reservation"
"or purpose of evasion, so help me G..."
So help me G...
Could I possibly just skip the last bit? Huh?
So help me Go...
Oh...
Ow. Ow.
You ready to go?
I didn't pass.
Made a fool out of myself.
I have no country, I have no home.
I have no people.
I'm like a little lost duck,
floating about in the middle of the ocean.
Oh, will you stop fucking complaining?
- Excuse me? - You know, I'm tired of it.
So what? You're not a fucking American citizen.
You're not a citizen of anything.
You're a vampire!
Okay? You can fly.
You can transport anywhere as a bat!
You are immortal.
Do you have any idea how much
people would pay, who they would kill
just to be who you are?
To be in your shoes?
In your fucking shoes!
You should be fucking proud of yourself.
Proud of who you are.
Wow.
Guillermo.
You are right.
I am a vampire.
A cool and powerful vampire.
Hear my words!
I am a proud vampire!
I will not bow down
to your pathetic bureaucracies.
It is you who will bow down to me!
I don't need your citizenship.
I will rule
this earth for eternity
as you rot
and your bones turn to dust!
Yes!
Sound the alarms!
It won't make no difference!
Guillermo...
I appreciate you telling me how it is back there.
Your tone was highly disrespectful, but...
you were right.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
I guess now that you have your, uh, confidence back,
you probably need some vampire sidekick to...
Nah, I'm good.
Oh.
Hands down, the best night of my life.
I mean, I'm invisible, - Yes.
I ate my first dude,
and I've never stayed up this late.
Can we, like, watch the sun rise or something?
- That would be so nice. - Oh...
We could cozy up.
About that... um...
Funny... very funny story.
You can never go in the sun again,
because if you do, you will
burst into a boiling ball of flame.
Sorry.
I am a little disappointed I didn't get to be
a American citizen.
I was really looking forward to buying a gun.
Oh, you don't need to be a citizen to get a gun.
They'll give those to anyone.
- Really? - Yeah.
Even in Al Quolanudar you couldn't get a sword
without the checking of your background.
I got it!
What? What is it?
Motorcycle helmets protect vampires from the sun.
Haven't you seen Blade?
They put the things on
and then the sun can't hit you.
- Oh. - Trust me.
It's the night of many firsts, for both of us.
You are now a full, strong vampire.
You no longer need me.
And thus, your never-ending journey begins.
- It's so exciting! - It is!
What the fuck?
- Ow! - Curse!
Oh, that's very hot!
We must go!
Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH