WEBVTT

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*

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NANDOR:
Our home has been selected

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to host

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the bi-annual vampire orgy.

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NADJA:
One time they tried
going triannual.

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Which is bloody pointless,
'cause it takes me

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at least six months
to recover from any orgy.

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Yes, it does.

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We're gonna have some fun.

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NANDOR:
Vampire sex is like pizza,

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in that even when
it's bad it's good.

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It's designed to be enjoyed
by eight or more people.

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There's a choice of toppings.

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And in the morning, you're like,

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"Aah! Why do I have
puncture wounds

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on my penis?"

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LASZLO:
Vampire sex is a carnival
of desires.

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With pale bodies
as far as the eye can see.

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Fornicating, diddling,
widdling, snarling.

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An amazing experience

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that can last years.

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It's fine.

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("You're Dead"
by Norma Tanega playing)

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* Don't sing if you want
to live long *

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* They have no use
for your song *

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* You're dead, you're dead,
you're dead *

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* You're dead
and out of this world *

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* Now your hope and compassion
is gone *

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* You sold out your dream
to the world *

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* Stay dead, stay dead,
stay dead *

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* You're dead
and out of this world. *

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*

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-So we need the blood fountain.
-Okay, blood fountain.

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And some real, pure opium.
About ten kilos.

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Where would I find that?

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LASZLO: We need some
sexy paintings for the walls.

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NADJA: I was thinking
we replace this picture of us

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with that lovely one
where we were naked

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-and we have cherries
in our bums.
-Yeah.

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Can we get some sort
of protective spray

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to put all over the carpet?

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Because Laszlo will spray
all over the carpet.

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LASZLO:
What you don't understand is

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the stigma attached
to throwing a poor orgy.

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I mean, I've known people
who have committed suicide

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after a poor orgy.

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I wouldn't go that far.

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I would kill you, though.

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And then I'd kill myself.

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There's no recovery
from that humiliation.

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I don't like to even speak
of it, but the notorious orgy

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-of 1937, well...
-No, no, no, no, no, no.

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Don't even say the year.

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It was a lot of just
very terrible chitchat.

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I cannot even speak the name
of the vampire

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that organized that monstrosity.

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I don't give a fuck.
His name was Mike.

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Fucking Mike.
(groans)

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Oh, and we need an ancient
Burmese lingam and yoni set.

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To be safe, get six.

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Nadja, Laszlo, please.

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Guillermo is my familiar,

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only I can order him about.

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Thank you, master.

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Is there anything you need?

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All the things they just said.

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And absorbent towels.
Lots of them.

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(gasps)
I almost forgot.

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Most important,
we must, must, must

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get a succulent virgin feast.

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Well, about that--
I've been meaning to tell you,

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I seem to have,
uh, overfished that...

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-Did you write down the towels?
-Yes.

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You need to re-cover
that chaise longue.

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'Cause I'll ejaculate
straight through that.

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My only concern
about the orgy is, uh,

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that people won't enjoy my room.

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I've n-I've never
had anyone in here.

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I have a strobe light up.

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And a couple speakers
playing, uh,

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some acid jazz.

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What else?
I have my, uh,

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my trusty filing cabinet.

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I always wanted one of these

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when I was a child
but never got one.

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It was one of my first
purchases.

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I also stocked up
on some Neosporin.

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I have some paintings,
some pictures.

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I got this one
because it shows human food,

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and if I ever
have a human in here,

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they'll feel at home.

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Uh, I found it at a Holiday Inn.

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I-I'm-I'm really
getting into it.

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NADJA:
Obviously, the orgy standard

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of having a mirrored ceiling

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doesn't really work
for vampires,

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so we have developed
our own way.

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I don't... I... I don't know
what you want me to say.

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NANDOR:
Just describe what you see.

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GUILLERMO:
Um...

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Well, it's a beautiful scene.
Someone is seductively riding,

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uh, a candlestick up and down.

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Someone's on the couch
sucking and getting sucked.

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-NADJA: Louder!
-Sucking and...

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Oh, geez...

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No. I will not

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be participating
in the orgy, no.

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Besides, I-I don't, uh,
I don't kiss and tell.

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But I can tell you,
(chuckles)

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is that, uh...

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I don't kiss.

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NADJA:
We need specifics.

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What am I doing
to my ass cheeks?

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You are, uh,
you're licking it...

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Can you just describe
what you see? It's not hard.

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-Good boy, that's right.
-(groaning)
-Must be my birthday.

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-(megaphone alarm chirps)
-I can't. I'm sorry.
I was raised very Catholic.

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-I need... I need a second.
-NADJA: Okay.

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-En garde, there.
-GUILLERMO: It's just a lot
of demanding things.

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I mean, I'm not even,
technically, their familiar.

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They've just been asking me
to do all kinds of stuff.

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It's a pleasure swing,
you fucknut, not a sex net.

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That's the sex net.
Get that out of the box

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-and attach it to the ceiling.
-GUILLERMO: "Gizmo,

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get the dildos."

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"Gizmo, try out the dildos."

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"Mmm. How were the dildos?"

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They're fine.

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No one is a fucknut, okay?

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He's trying to finish it,
Laszlo.

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And what about the virgins?
Have you got any yet? No.

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-Of course you haven't.
-Um, but I'm just trying...

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"But, but, but." You're like
a nonstop but machine. (gasps)

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That reminds me,
have you ordered

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-the nonstop butt machine?
-You know what?!

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I'm gonna take five minutes

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before I say something
I'm gonna regret.

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-Oh!
-Easy there.

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Eh... Slam the door.

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You gonna let him
get away with that?

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He's gone,
he's gotten away with it.

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And it is unacceptable.

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(exhales)
I will talk to him.

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-*
-(knocking on door)

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-NANDOR: Knock, knock.
-Oh. Good evening, master.

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-Is there something you need?
-No, no.

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Just coming in for a chat.

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-(exhales)
-(grunts)

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I noticed that Nadja and Laszlo

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have been quite pushy with you
with all the orgy planning.

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-Oh, it's okay,
it's not a big deal, master.
-No, it is a big deal.

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And they locked you
in this closet?

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This is my room.

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I pay $1,200 a month.

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Oh.

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If I find I am in a situation

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where an idiot
is complaining to me,

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you can either kill them

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or you can pretend
to listening to them.

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So what you're saying is that

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your feelings have been hurt.

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Well, kinda.

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Talk about that.

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Oh, okay. Um... Well,

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-I just feel that sometimes...
-Yes, yes.

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I feel that I have...
People aren't listening to me

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-when I speak.
-Yes, yes, tell me more.

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And they just tell me "yes,"
and they don't really listen

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-to what I'm saying.
-Yes. Really speak
from the heart.

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When I speak from the heart,
I feel like no one's really...

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And now that bit is done.

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Orgy stuff. A few of my
favorite things, as they say.

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The cat o' nine tails.

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Oliver Cromwell's head.

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My codpiece.
Bat codpiece.

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200-year-old peekaboo cape,

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the idea being
you walk into the orgy,

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you announce yourself...

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and then do that.

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Oh!

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Oh, yes!

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You wait till my good lady wife
sees this.

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In the late 1800s,

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a new and exciting medium
was invented,

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and that medium
was called "cinema."

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And then, about a week later,

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that developed into pornos.

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Now, the first porno film
I ever made

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was called The Adventures
of a Very Randy Vampire.

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And I played the leading role

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of the very randy vampire.

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I was cast
because they thought

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that I looked like a vampire,

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never once realizing

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that I was a fucking vampire.

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I took part in thousands

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of pornos over the years.

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If you see them now,

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they are still
very, very erotic.

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(old-timey piano music playing)

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My darling,
I have found something

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that will have our orgy
talked about for centuries.

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Just put it on the pile, Laszlo.

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All right there, Constantin?

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(growls softly)

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Ooh.

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-Oops.
-What is that?

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I really have no idea.

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Perhaps we should watch it.

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(groans)

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You don't like
the Christmas section?

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-(groans) Don't say that word.
-Sorry.

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GUILLERMO:
We are still looking
for virgins, yes,

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but my master thought it'd be
best to get decorations first,

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which makes sense,
because, uh...

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Well, it just...
It makes sense.

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So, for this chocolate fountain,

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you can put other stuff,
I'm assuming...

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-I mean...
-...that's thicker
than chocolate?

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What's thicker than chocolate?

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Did you ask
about the jade buttock eggs?

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No, I did not.

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-Butter cakes?
-Buttock eggs

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made from jade
that you put inside your butt.

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I don't think they have them.

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I'd have to check on that,
for sure.

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-They don't have to be made
of jade.
-I haven't seen it.

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They can be made of anything.

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But not silver,

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because, you know,
otherwise, ouch.

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-He's joking.
-There's a silver egg
in my butt.

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Did you carry them?

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We do mostly, like,
loot bags for kids.

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I don't think-I don't think
they have them.

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I'm very happy that my master's
gonna help me find a virgin,

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'cause it is slim pickings

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out here in these streets.
(chuckles)

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The Christian college chastity
club seemed promising until

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I found out
that most of them had a...

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different definition of "virgin"
than the common one.

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Believe it or not, CrossFit
gyms are full of virgins.

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No one's touched them,
and the reason being

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is because they won't shut up
about CrossFit.

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If you saw a man

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dressed in this mask,

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would you think
it was a mood killer

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or would you come?

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I'm not sure.

249
00:09:43,483 --> 00:09:44,451
(inhales)

250
00:09:44,484 --> 00:09:45,953
Wait, wait, wait.

251
00:09:45,986 --> 00:09:48,722
Look at that man, Guillermo.

252
00:09:48,756 --> 00:09:50,423
(exhales)

253
00:09:50,457 --> 00:09:53,226
He looks delicious.

254
00:09:53,260 --> 00:09:55,162
He has to be a virgin.

255
00:09:55,195 --> 00:09:56,496
I don't think he's a virgin.
We should just probably

256
00:09:56,529 --> 00:09:57,765
-keep shopping...
-He is a virgin.

257
00:09:57,798 --> 00:09:59,099
Guillermo!

258
00:09:59,132 --> 00:10:01,301
-Hey! Jeremy!
-(chuckles)

259
00:10:01,334 --> 00:10:03,771
-Is that...
I thought it was you.
-It was me, yeah.

260
00:10:03,804 --> 00:10:05,739
-Yeah.
-(chuckles)
Where have you been lately?

261
00:10:05,773 --> 00:10:08,141
We've been having some
hella crazy Fortnite sessions.

262
00:10:08,175 --> 00:10:10,443
Hasn't been as fun
without old GuillermoGoth2000.

263
00:10:10,477 --> 00:10:12,680
-Oh, shit. No, my...
(clears throat)
-Did you-did you change

264
00:10:12,713 --> 00:10:14,848
-your gamertag? You can tell me.
-No, no.

265
00:10:14,882 --> 00:10:16,684
-Work stuff. It's...
My boss just keeps,
-I'm so sorry.

266
00:10:16,717 --> 00:10:18,518
-you know, riding me.
-Uh-huh.

267
00:10:18,551 --> 00:10:20,153
-You know, it was good talking
to you though.
-Yeah.

268
00:10:20,187 --> 00:10:21,254
So, take care.
I'll see you, okay?

269
00:10:21,288 --> 00:10:22,422
You having a party or something?

270
00:10:22,455 --> 00:10:23,423
No.

271
00:10:23,456 --> 00:10:24,424
Yes.

272
00:10:24,457 --> 00:10:26,259
Yes, we are having a party,

273
00:10:26,293 --> 00:10:29,763
and we'd very much love
to extend an invitation.

274
00:10:29,797 --> 00:10:32,332
No, I don't think
Jeremy and his girlfriend

275
00:10:32,365 --> 00:10:35,002
would, uh, want to come
to a lame party.

276
00:10:35,035 --> 00:10:36,036
-It's just...
-I don't...

277
00:10:36,069 --> 00:10:37,104
I don't have a girlfriend.

278
00:10:37,137 --> 00:10:38,271
Yeah, you do.

279
00:10:38,305 --> 00:10:39,272
Oh, you're...

280
00:10:39,306 --> 00:10:41,108
-Yeah.
-No, that was a catfish.

281
00:10:41,141 --> 00:10:43,777
Jeremy is definitely a virgin.
I mean, big-time.

282
00:10:43,811 --> 00:10:46,947
But, um... he's also my friend.

283
00:10:46,980 --> 00:10:48,548
-Yeah.
-There was a girl though, right?

284
00:10:48,581 --> 00:10:49,983
-Oh. Yeah.
-Yeah.

285
00:10:50,017 --> 00:10:51,218
Oh, I just started seeing
this woman.

286
00:10:51,251 --> 00:10:52,219
-There you go.
-Yeah. (chuckles)

287
00:10:52,252 --> 00:10:53,620
Yeah, I thought so.

288
00:10:53,653 --> 00:10:55,122
-So...
-It's for my nosebleeds.

289
00:10:55,155 --> 00:10:57,324
-Geez, Jeremy. God.
-It's not going well. (chuckles)

290
00:10:57,357 --> 00:10:59,827
But, you know, once I
finally have that under control,

291
00:10:59,860 --> 00:11:02,062
-maybe I'll finally
meet someone.
-Ah. (chuckles)

292
00:11:02,095 --> 00:11:04,197
-(laughs, groans)
-Oh, boy.

293
00:11:04,231 --> 00:11:05,665
-(groans)
-Oh, boy.

294
00:11:05,699 --> 00:11:08,535
Okay. Oops.
(chuckles)

295
00:11:08,568 --> 00:11:10,203
-Yeah, that's a nosebleed.
(chuckles)
-Yeah.

296
00:11:10,237 --> 00:11:11,805
Just gonna go find
some more tissues,

297
00:11:11,839 --> 00:11:14,007
'cause this one's gonna be full
any second. (laughs)

298
00:11:14,041 --> 00:11:15,508
-Just go. Just get out of here.
-Yeah, okay.

299
00:11:15,542 --> 00:11:16,676
Nice to meet you. Hey.

300
00:11:16,710 --> 00:11:18,879
-Just go, Jeremy. Just go.
-Yeah, okay.

301
00:11:20,080 --> 00:11:21,715
(exhales, sniffing)

302
00:11:21,749 --> 00:11:23,917
-(grunts)
-GUILLERMO:
You know, I like to keep

303
00:11:23,951 --> 00:11:26,019
my personal life
and my work life separate.

304
00:11:26,053 --> 00:11:27,420
I don't want them to cross over.

305
00:11:27,454 --> 00:11:28,922
Makes it easier
when you find someone

306
00:11:28,956 --> 00:11:30,724
that you're gonna sacri...

307
00:11:32,259 --> 00:11:33,727
Yeah.

308
00:11:33,761 --> 00:11:35,228
NANDOR:
Mmm.

309
00:11:35,262 --> 00:11:39,232
(sighs) That is some of the most
virginal blood I've ever tasted.

310
00:11:39,266 --> 00:11:42,235
(sniffs, exhales)

311
00:11:42,269 --> 00:11:44,872
We must have him.

312
00:11:44,905 --> 00:11:47,775
GUILLERMO:
It's gonna be a tough one.

313
00:11:47,808 --> 00:11:49,209
(upbeat piano music playing)

314
00:11:49,242 --> 00:11:51,378
There's a man
who enjoys his work.

315
00:11:51,411 --> 00:11:53,346
This was banned for 60 years.

316
00:11:53,380 --> 00:11:55,115
*

317
00:11:55,148 --> 00:11:57,350
-FLAPPER: Zounds! I'm indecent!
-(grunting)

318
00:11:57,384 --> 00:11:59,419
LASZLO:
Time to 23 skidoo.

319
00:11:59,452 --> 00:12:02,689
Or should I say "69 skidoo"?

320
00:12:02,722 --> 00:12:05,258
DOMINATRIX: Let's see State
College win their big game

321
00:12:05,292 --> 00:12:07,460
without their star quarterback.

322
00:12:07,494 --> 00:12:09,396
-(grunts)
-(gasps)

323
00:12:09,429 --> 00:12:11,398
DOMINATRIX:
How can I ever
make it up to you?

324
00:12:11,431 --> 00:12:13,033
-(big band music playing)
-(dominatrix moaning)
-LASZLO: Oh, yeah.

325
00:12:13,066 --> 00:12:14,601
Be-Bop-A-Lube-a, yeah.

326
00:12:14,634 --> 00:12:17,037
I'm about to launch a Sputnik.

327
00:12:17,070 --> 00:12:18,806
NADJA:
There is nothing
more devastating

328
00:12:18,839 --> 00:12:21,541
than finding out
your husband has made porn

329
00:12:21,574 --> 00:12:23,443
and it's so bloody boring.

330
00:12:23,476 --> 00:12:24,812
(whirring)

331
00:12:24,845 --> 00:12:26,880
MAN:
So, how old are you?

332
00:12:26,914 --> 00:12:29,082
-267.
-(chuckles)

333
00:12:29,116 --> 00:12:30,083
I joke.

334
00:12:30,117 --> 00:12:31,751
I'm 18.

335
00:12:31,785 --> 00:12:34,654
Have you ever been
with a man before?

336
00:12:34,687 --> 00:12:37,991
And how would you like me
to answer that, Philip?

337
00:12:38,025 --> 00:12:39,126
No.

338
00:12:39,159 --> 00:12:41,394
You'll never guess
where this is going.

339
00:12:41,428 --> 00:12:43,463
Then the answer's no.

340
00:12:43,496 --> 00:12:45,398
-(funky music playing)
-(Laszlo grunting)

341
00:12:45,432 --> 00:12:47,500
NADJA:
The only thing those videos
were good for

342
00:12:47,534 --> 00:12:49,937
was for putting crying babies
to sleep.

343
00:12:49,970 --> 00:12:52,739
-(slap bass theme playing)
-And now the 1990s.

344
00:12:52,772 --> 00:12:55,442
Could it be any sexier?

345
00:12:55,475 --> 00:12:58,278
Where have you been?
I paged you over an hour ago.

346
00:12:58,311 --> 00:13:01,448
Who are these people
who are always paging?

347
00:13:01,481 --> 00:13:03,150
And what's the deal
with pagers?

348
00:13:03,183 --> 00:13:04,317
BLONDE:
Shut up and get over here.

349
00:13:04,351 --> 00:13:06,119
LASZLO:
Mm. Yep.

350
00:13:06,153 --> 00:13:08,922
This is exactly what I want
to be doing right now.

351
00:13:08,956 --> 00:13:12,259
Laszlo, darling,
I just think your work,

352
00:13:12,292 --> 00:13:14,294
as stimulating as it is,

353
00:13:14,327 --> 00:13:17,330
it is not quite right
for our orgy.

354
00:13:17,364 --> 00:13:20,533
It-It's like erotica
for churchgoers.

355
00:13:20,567 --> 00:13:22,635
Even Vampire Tricked
in Steam Room?

356
00:13:22,669 --> 00:13:23,871
That one didn't even make
any sense.

357
00:13:23,904 --> 00:13:26,039
I mean, how could we see
what you were doing

358
00:13:26,073 --> 00:13:27,474
but you couldn't?

359
00:13:27,507 --> 00:13:29,376
No, no, no, no. You've
misunderstood it, my darling.

360
00:13:29,409 --> 00:13:31,378
What happens in that is
I'm sat there,

361
00:13:31,411 --> 00:13:33,646
surrounded, I think,
by women.

362
00:13:33,680 --> 00:13:35,382
The steam subsides,

363
00:13:35,415 --> 00:13:38,986
and I realize I'm
actually surrounded by chaps.

364
00:13:39,019 --> 00:13:40,653
But I enjoy it.

365
00:13:40,687 --> 00:13:42,055
Well, I got that bit.

366
00:13:42,089 --> 00:13:43,823
I just think...

367
00:13:43,857 --> 00:13:45,392
it's boring.

368
00:13:45,425 --> 00:13:47,160
Boring?

369
00:13:47,194 --> 00:13:49,062
*

370
00:13:49,096 --> 00:13:50,998
You think it's all boring?

371
00:13:52,565 --> 00:13:54,534
I shall be in our bedchamber.

372
00:13:54,567 --> 00:13:56,369
Oh, Laszlo.

373
00:13:56,403 --> 00:13:57,537
No, no.

374
00:13:57,570 --> 00:13:59,372
She said
that my pornos were boring,

375
00:13:59,406 --> 00:14:01,208
which is
an unbelievable reaction.

376
00:14:01,241 --> 00:14:02,809
I showed her a century's worth

377
00:14:02,842 --> 00:14:04,044
of my pornos.

378
00:14:04,077 --> 00:14:06,146
That's a lot of porn.

379
00:14:06,179 --> 00:14:07,881
I don't think
she followed the plots.

380
00:14:07,915 --> 00:14:09,149
(phone beeps)

381
00:14:09,182 --> 00:14:11,818
Hey, Jeremy.
Sorry I'm calling you so late.

382
00:14:11,851 --> 00:14:13,053
Jeremy and I go way back.

383
00:14:13,086 --> 00:14:16,023
We've been friends,
um, since high school.

384
00:14:16,056 --> 00:14:17,157
What are you doing tonight?

385
00:14:17,190 --> 00:14:18,591
We were really just attached

386
00:14:18,625 --> 00:14:20,360
at the hip. Not by choice,

387
00:14:20,393 --> 00:14:24,564
but because they would
literally, um, use hot glue.

388
00:14:24,597 --> 00:14:27,434
I invited Jeremy to the party.

389
00:14:27,467 --> 00:14:29,903
No, just yourself.

390
00:14:29,937 --> 00:14:33,606
Oh, I think they got
all the drinks covered.

391
00:14:33,640 --> 00:14:35,008
Yeah, I feel bad.

392
00:14:35,042 --> 00:14:36,509
You know what,
I'm doing whatever it takes

393
00:14:36,543 --> 00:14:38,545
to become a vampire.

394
00:14:40,047 --> 00:14:41,548
MAN:
Oh. Sorry.

395
00:14:41,581 --> 00:14:44,584
Somebody told me
this was a closet.

396
00:14:49,822 --> 00:14:51,291
It's going to be
an amazing orgy.

397
00:14:51,324 --> 00:14:53,593
Over here, we have a sculpture
which depicts

398
00:14:53,626 --> 00:14:56,063
the moment
that my parents conceived me.

399
00:14:56,096 --> 00:14:59,032
In here, we have
the fluffers' chill-out area.

400
00:14:59,066 --> 00:15:02,369
Here we have the traditional
animal fur laden with rings.

401
00:15:02,402 --> 00:15:03,803
Not for your fingers.

402
00:15:03,836 --> 00:15:05,272
Electric chair role-play.

403
00:15:05,305 --> 00:15:07,140
"What are your last words?"

404
00:15:07,174 --> 00:15:08,942
"I want to have sex."

405
00:15:08,976 --> 00:15:12,212
-Laszlo, what is going on?
-I'm not coming.

406
00:15:12,245 --> 00:15:13,646
What are you doing?
What is this?

407
00:15:13,680 --> 00:15:15,949
Are you role-playing
as a depressed man?

408
00:15:15,983 --> 00:15:17,650
It's not not working.

409
00:15:17,684 --> 00:15:18,918
I'm not coming to the orgy.

410
00:15:18,952 --> 00:15:20,453
-I'm not in the mood.
-What?

411
00:15:20,487 --> 00:15:22,655
Is this because I said
your porno was terrible?

412
00:15:22,689 --> 00:15:23,923
The pornos were superb.

413
00:15:23,957 --> 00:15:26,926
Have you any idea how difficult
it is to make a porno?

414
00:15:26,960 --> 00:15:29,396
Laszlo, do you want our orgy
to fall apart

415
00:15:29,429 --> 00:15:32,632
and for our good vampire names
to go down in history

416
00:15:32,665 --> 00:15:35,468
with he whose name
that we never say the name of?

417
00:15:35,502 --> 00:15:37,070
-You mean Mike?
-Yes, fucking Mike!

418
00:15:37,104 --> 00:15:38,638
To be honest with you,
I couldn't care less.

419
00:15:38,671 --> 00:15:41,574
-Good night.
-Laszlo, don't you dare
go back in there.

420
00:15:41,608 --> 00:15:42,875
No, I'm not coming.
Let go of the lid.

421
00:15:46,346 --> 00:15:48,748
Yes, I suppose
I am a little bit stressed.

422
00:15:48,781 --> 00:15:50,083
(shouts)

423
00:15:50,117 --> 00:15:51,918
To throw a bad vampire orgy,

424
00:15:51,951 --> 00:15:53,786
I don't know
how one would recover.

425
00:15:53,820 --> 00:15:56,356
Half the bats you see,
they are just vampires

426
00:15:56,389 --> 00:15:58,091
that have thrown
terrible orgies,

427
00:15:58,125 --> 00:15:59,192
and they are too ashamed

428
00:15:59,226 --> 00:16:01,094
to regain their vampire form.

429
00:16:01,128 --> 00:16:04,264
They just flit around.
Shame bats.

430
00:16:04,297 --> 00:16:05,432
Bats full of shame.

431
00:16:05,465 --> 00:16:06,499
And you know them,

432
00:16:06,533 --> 00:16:08,668
'cause they don't fly as high.

433
00:16:10,737 --> 00:16:12,005
(indistinct chatter)

434
00:16:12,039 --> 00:16:15,442
-Jiang Shi!
-Nadja!

435
00:16:15,475 --> 00:16:17,110
-Chinese jumping vampire.
-(Jiang Shi chuckles)

436
00:16:17,144 --> 00:16:19,379
(playful growling)

437
00:16:19,412 --> 00:16:21,548
(both laugh)

438
00:16:21,581 --> 00:16:23,050
-Brought my cousin.
-Is he a Babadook?

439
00:16:23,083 --> 00:16:25,318
No, actually, I'm a Badabook.

440
00:16:25,352 --> 00:16:27,454
You know, like, uh,
bada-bing, Badabook.

441
00:16:27,487 --> 00:16:28,988
-Hey-oh! Ah!
-(Nadja chuckles)

442
00:16:29,022 --> 00:16:30,290
(indistinct chatter)

443
00:16:30,323 --> 00:16:32,325
(growls)

444
00:16:33,426 --> 00:16:35,228
And I don't believe
for one minute

445
00:16:35,262 --> 00:16:38,198
that the raccoon actually solved
the Rubik's Cube

446
00:16:38,231 --> 00:16:42,135
that it was given in the video
because there are clearly cuts

447
00:16:42,169 --> 00:16:44,571
in the video,
but it was darling.

448
00:16:44,604 --> 00:16:45,672
-VAMPIRE: Such a doll.
-VAMPIRE 2: Really?

449
00:16:45,705 --> 00:16:46,806
VAMPIRE 1:
Yeah.

450
00:16:46,839 --> 00:16:47,874
-No, not when I...
-Sorry.

451
00:16:47,907 --> 00:16:49,742
Um, and, uh, who are you?

452
00:16:49,776 --> 00:16:51,978
Oh. Uh, hi. I'm Jeremy.

453
00:16:52,011 --> 00:16:54,214
I brought mochi ice cream.

454
00:16:54,247 --> 00:16:57,684
Is there a place
that I can put my backpack?

455
00:16:57,717 --> 00:17:00,753
Everyone, the virgin is here!

456
00:17:00,787 --> 00:17:02,189
-(laughs)
-(vampires cheer)

457
00:17:04,224 --> 00:17:06,059
Jeremy's here. He just got here,

458
00:17:06,093 --> 00:17:08,061
and, uh, all the vampires' eyes
just lit up

459
00:17:08,095 --> 00:17:09,229
when he came in.

460
00:17:09,262 --> 00:17:11,198
(vampires hissing)

461
00:17:11,231 --> 00:17:12,899
I think I did a good job
as a familiar.

462
00:17:12,932 --> 00:17:15,402
Yeah.

463
00:17:15,435 --> 00:17:17,904
Maybe not so much as a friend.

464
00:17:17,937 --> 00:17:19,172
-Guillermo, hey.
-(hissing continues)

465
00:17:19,206 --> 00:17:20,573
This is a great party.

466
00:17:20,607 --> 00:17:22,175
Everyone's really friendly. Hi.

467
00:17:22,209 --> 00:17:24,577
-Yeah, what did you bring?
-I brought mochi.

468
00:17:24,611 --> 00:17:26,246
I thought maybe people
would eat that.

469
00:17:26,279 --> 00:17:28,448
-Yeah. Yeah.
-(Jeremy chuckles)

470
00:17:29,449 --> 00:17:31,718
They're gonna tear him apart.

471
00:17:38,925 --> 00:17:39,926
I'm here!

472
00:17:41,128 --> 00:17:44,731
The life of the orgy
has arrived.

473
00:17:44,764 --> 00:17:47,300
Bit stiff.

474
00:17:47,334 --> 00:17:49,068
I've done a bad thing.

475
00:17:49,102 --> 00:17:50,770
I just brought my friend
to a house full of vampires.

476
00:17:50,803 --> 00:17:53,072
I brought my virgin friend
into a house full of vampires.

477
00:17:53,106 --> 00:17:55,142
Is it hot in here? (chuckles)

478
00:17:55,175 --> 00:17:56,376
-MR. '50s: Hey.
-(gasps)

479
00:17:56,409 --> 00:17:58,478
Mr. '50s, you made it.

480
00:17:58,511 --> 00:18:00,713
Yeesh.

481
00:18:00,747 --> 00:18:02,149
Well, you could argue,
though, that all you need

482
00:18:02,182 --> 00:18:03,616
-is a cell phone.
-(bullhorn turns on)

483
00:18:03,650 --> 00:18:05,918
Listen. Listen, stop talking.

484
00:18:05,952 --> 00:18:09,088
-Oh, no.
-Listen, my name is Laszlo,

485
00:18:09,122 --> 00:18:12,325
and I was not going to come
to this orgy this evening

486
00:18:12,359 --> 00:18:14,794
-because my heart was in pain.
-VAMPIRE: Who cares?

487
00:18:14,827 --> 00:18:17,464
VAMPIRE 2:
Yes! Vampire Tricked
in Steam Room!

488
00:18:17,497 --> 00:18:18,731
Yes, it is me.

489
00:18:18,765 --> 00:18:20,333
-(vampire 2 whoops)
-(mouthing)
-Anyway,

490
00:18:20,367 --> 00:18:23,236
I put my heavy heart to one side

491
00:18:23,270 --> 00:18:26,939
for the love
of my good lady wife Nadja.

492
00:18:26,973 --> 00:18:29,075
-VAMPIRE 3: Ugh.
-Recently,

493
00:18:29,108 --> 00:18:31,678
I was watching all
of my porno films,

494
00:18:31,711 --> 00:18:35,248
which are sexy and a turn-on.

495
00:18:35,282 --> 00:18:37,450
But they lack one thing
and one important thing.

496
00:18:37,484 --> 00:18:40,086
-And that one thing is love.
-(mouthing)

497
00:18:40,119 --> 00:18:41,521
-(vampires groaning)
-The love I share

498
00:18:41,554 --> 00:18:44,157
for my good lady wife Nadja.

499
00:18:44,191 --> 00:18:47,460
What say we conduct
our own orgy upstairs?

500
00:18:47,494 --> 00:18:50,330
-A two-person orgy.
-VAMPIRE 4: What?

501
00:18:50,363 --> 00:18:53,500
Here's to love and making love!

502
00:18:53,533 --> 00:18:54,634
What a boner killer.

503
00:18:54,667 --> 00:18:56,503
And I thought
Mike threw a bad orgy.

504
00:18:56,536 --> 00:18:58,438
-VAMPIRE 5:
I think I'm going to take off.
-NADJA: N-No, no.

505
00:18:58,471 --> 00:19:01,208
Wait, wait. No, wait, everyone.
No, no, wait!

506
00:19:01,241 --> 00:19:03,343
'Cause we haven't had
the best part yet.

507
00:19:03,376 --> 00:19:04,477
(whispering):
I did a terrible thing.

508
00:19:04,511 --> 00:19:06,446
I just killed my friend.
Oh, God.

509
00:19:06,479 --> 00:19:07,714
I brought my v-virgin friend

510
00:19:07,747 --> 00:19:09,449
into a house full of vampires.
(gasps)

511
00:19:09,482 --> 00:19:10,850
Oh, God,
they're gonna rip him apart.

512
00:19:10,883 --> 00:19:14,221
Guess what.
There is the most gorgeous...

513
00:19:14,254 --> 00:19:16,155
I got to help him.

514
00:19:16,189 --> 00:19:19,025
...nosebleedy, asthma-suffering,

515
00:19:19,058 --> 00:19:21,194
-uh, doesn't clean his sheets...
-Jeremy!

516
00:19:21,228 --> 00:19:24,564
...mouth-breathing virgin!

517
00:19:24,597 --> 00:19:26,866
-(both panting)
-(vampires groan)

518
00:19:26,899 --> 00:19:28,134
GUILLERMO:
Jeremy, you have to leave.

519
00:19:28,167 --> 00:19:29,502
-They're all vamp...
-JEREMY: Guillermo.

520
00:19:29,536 --> 00:19:31,904
This party's awesome!

521
00:19:31,938 --> 00:19:33,072
I, uh, I...

522
00:19:33,105 --> 00:19:36,108
Is this the way out?

523
00:19:41,113 --> 00:19:43,316
Well...

524
00:19:43,350 --> 00:19:47,153
looks like, uh,
Jeremy's not a virgin anymore.

525
00:19:47,186 --> 00:19:49,256
-(Constantin grunting)
-(indistinct chatter)

526
00:19:50,523 --> 00:19:52,359
So, sorry about that, gang.

527
00:19:52,392 --> 00:19:54,227
This orgy didn't count.

528
00:19:54,261 --> 00:19:57,330
Don't tell your friends
it was a bad orgy.

529
00:19:57,364 --> 00:19:59,266
COLIN:
So, uh...

530
00:19:59,299 --> 00:20:01,368
just us three, then?

531
00:20:09,409 --> 00:20:10,843
(Jeremy chuckles)

532
00:20:10,877 --> 00:20:12,879
Okay, these are both good.

533
00:20:17,784 --> 00:20:19,552
I'm just going to check up
on Laszlo.

534
00:20:19,586 --> 00:20:21,187
Poor guy.

535
00:20:21,220 --> 00:20:24,857
I don't think Nadja will let him
forget about this one.

536
00:20:24,891 --> 00:20:26,893
-Laszlo.
-(knocks on door)

537
00:20:28,895 --> 00:20:30,897
(bats screeching)

538
00:20:37,970 --> 00:20:39,939
(chuckles)

539
00:20:39,972 --> 00:20:42,409
("Super Good" by Leningrad
playing)

540
00:20:47,447 --> 00:20:49,916
(man singing in Russian)

541
00:21:21,948 --> 00:21:23,983
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH

542
00:21:25,685 --> 00:21:27,854
-(drumbeat)
-(clapping)