WEBVTT 1 00:00:04,272 --> 00:00:06,807 That's the... C-Come here. That's the Baron. 2 00:00:06,840 --> 00:00:08,809 -Come on, Barry. -Come on. 3 00:00:08,842 --> 00:00:10,644 (laughing): We are so high. 4 00:00:10,678 --> 00:00:12,046 We're on drugblood. 5 00:00:12,080 --> 00:00:13,714 Put the hat on. Oh, yeah... 6 00:00:13,747 --> 00:00:16,417 -Oh! Ugh, no. -LASZLO: Shit. 7 00:00:16,450 --> 00:00:19,587 -NADJA: I broke his half off. -NANDOR: His bodies' half off. 8 00:00:19,620 --> 00:00:21,522 LASZLO: No, no, no, he's just coming through the floor. 9 00:00:21,555 --> 00:00:22,990 Guillermo? 10 00:00:23,023 --> 00:00:25,059 Help us! Don't just stand there. 11 00:00:25,093 --> 00:00:27,228 I don't think that's Guillermo. 12 00:00:27,261 --> 00:00:28,929 -Guillermo? -LASZLO: No. 13 00:00:28,962 --> 00:00:31,665 N-No, Nandor, that's the StairMaster. 14 00:00:31,699 --> 00:00:33,434 The master of the stairs. 15 00:00:33,467 --> 00:00:35,536 -We fucked up. This is bad. -Where's Guiller... 16 00:00:35,569 --> 00:00:37,405 (in distance): Guillermo! 17 00:00:37,438 --> 00:00:40,408 Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God. Oh, my God... 18 00:00:40,441 --> 00:00:42,576 ("You're Dead" by Norma Tanega playing) 19 00:00:42,610 --> 00:00:45,045 * Don't sing if you want to live long * 20 00:00:45,079 --> 00:00:47,581 * They have no use for your song * 21 00:00:47,615 --> 00:00:50,218 * You're dead, you're dead, you're dead * 22 00:00:50,251 --> 00:00:52,586 * You're dead and out of this world * 23 00:00:54,655 --> 00:00:57,725 * Now your hope and compassion is gone * 24 00:00:57,758 --> 00:01:00,461 * You sold out your dream to the world * 25 00:01:00,494 --> 00:01:02,863 * Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead * 26 00:01:02,896 --> 00:01:04,965 * You're dead and out of this world. * 27 00:01:04,998 --> 00:01:07,168 * 28 00:01:15,075 --> 00:01:17,245 (bell tolling) 29 00:01:17,278 --> 00:01:21,115 NANDOR: We are gathered here tonight in our backyard 30 00:01:21,149 --> 00:01:24,418 to commemorate the second death of the Baron. 31 00:01:24,452 --> 00:01:26,820 NADJA: We are having a ceremony 32 00:01:26,854 --> 00:01:28,656 to commemorate the Baron's passing. 33 00:01:28,689 --> 00:01:29,723 Problem is, though, 34 00:01:29,757 --> 00:01:31,392 we don't remember how he died, 35 00:01:31,425 --> 00:01:32,626 because we were absolutely 36 00:01:32,660 --> 00:01:34,828 messed up on drugblood. 37 00:01:34,862 --> 00:01:37,931 And as a sign of respect, we have decided to bury you 38 00:01:37,965 --> 00:01:40,934 betwixt my two favorite vaginas: 39 00:01:40,968 --> 00:01:44,638 that of my wife and my mother. 40 00:01:44,672 --> 00:01:47,941 Baron, such a wonderful, filthy times 41 00:01:47,975 --> 00:01:49,310 we did have. 42 00:01:49,343 --> 00:01:50,978 -(snickering) -What a way 43 00:01:51,011 --> 00:01:52,680 to live your life after death, 44 00:01:52,713 --> 00:01:54,448 and what a way to die. 45 00:01:55,449 --> 00:01:57,285 (bell tolling) 46 00:01:58,319 --> 00:01:59,687 Did we murder him? 47 00:01:59,720 --> 00:02:01,522 LASZLO: We, um, we might have floated the idea 48 00:02:01,555 --> 00:02:04,425 of murdering him, but we didn't do it. 49 00:02:04,458 --> 00:02:05,659 Did we? 50 00:02:05,693 --> 00:02:07,895 NADJA: Oh, I think something awful happened. 51 00:02:10,998 --> 00:02:12,866 Fuck. 52 00:02:12,900 --> 00:02:15,002 LASZLO: Maybe we should keep this under our hats. 53 00:02:15,035 --> 00:02:16,970 If any vampires find out about this, 54 00:02:17,004 --> 00:02:18,672 then it... (quacks) 55 00:02:18,706 --> 00:02:20,474 (bell tolling) 56 00:02:25,546 --> 00:02:27,348 Give the Baron his last sip. 57 00:02:27,381 --> 00:02:28,716 -Of course. -(Nadja humming a tune) 58 00:02:30,318 --> 00:02:31,552 (Nandor and Laszlo humming along) 59 00:02:31,585 --> 00:02:34,154 NADJA: So just get him in. 60 00:02:34,188 --> 00:02:35,523 -Yep. -Goodbye, Baron. 61 00:02:35,556 --> 00:02:36,824 (raven squawks) 62 00:02:36,857 --> 00:02:38,526 Master, there's a raven looking at us. 63 00:02:38,559 --> 00:02:40,228 (squawking) 64 00:02:40,261 --> 00:02:42,363 It is a bad omen. It means that 65 00:02:42,396 --> 00:02:44,465 bad luck is approaching. 66 00:02:44,498 --> 00:02:45,466 -Hey, gang. -(all groan) 67 00:02:45,499 --> 00:02:47,134 What's up? Oh! 68 00:02:47,167 --> 00:02:48,135 Oh, my God. 69 00:02:48,168 --> 00:02:50,170 Did-did you guys kill him? 70 00:02:50,204 --> 00:02:52,306 -No! No one murdered him. -No! What... He was just... -We found him in there. 71 00:02:52,340 --> 00:02:53,674 (laughs): I'm just giving you guff. 72 00:02:53,707 --> 00:02:56,644 And, uh, just so you know, I am feeding on you guys right now. 73 00:02:56,677 --> 00:02:58,412 NADJA: You can be such a prick, Colin. 74 00:02:58,446 --> 00:03:00,147 COLIN: I have heard that. 75 00:03:00,180 --> 00:03:02,683 Shit. The Baron's familiar. 76 00:03:02,716 --> 00:03:04,552 (ravens squawking) 77 00:03:04,585 --> 00:03:06,754 There's more ravens. They're giving me the shits. 78 00:03:06,787 --> 00:03:09,223 NANDOR: Guillermo, shield us from the ravens. 79 00:03:09,257 --> 00:03:11,091 NADJA: The sky is filled with them. 80 00:03:11,124 --> 00:03:12,560 -No, let's just go inside. -Let's go inside. 81 00:03:12,593 --> 00:03:15,028 Fill the hole. Keep filling. 82 00:03:15,062 --> 00:03:16,430 GUILLERMO: But the ravens... 83 00:03:16,464 --> 00:03:17,598 NADJA: They're everywhere! 84 00:03:17,631 --> 00:03:19,600 (whimpers) 85 00:03:19,633 --> 00:03:22,069 There are ravens all over the front lawn now, too. 86 00:03:22,102 --> 00:03:24,905 They're trying to frighten us. But it won't work. 87 00:03:24,938 --> 00:03:26,507 -(thump) -ALL: Aah! -NADJA: What is going on? 88 00:03:26,540 --> 00:03:28,509 -GUILLERMO: Master. -ALL: Aah! -LASZLO: Ay yai yai. 89 00:03:28,542 --> 00:03:30,177 There's a floating woman on the front porch. 90 00:03:30,210 --> 00:03:31,479 She needs to talk to you. 91 00:03:36,717 --> 00:03:39,353 You have been summoned... 92 00:03:39,387 --> 00:03:40,754 (thunder claps) 93 00:03:40,788 --> 00:03:44,024 ...to appear before the Vampiric Council 94 00:03:44,057 --> 00:03:47,495 at the Temple of Blood-Devourers. 95 00:03:48,562 --> 00:03:50,264 Could you not have just telephoned? 96 00:03:50,298 --> 00:03:52,566 We sent ravens. 97 00:03:52,600 --> 00:03:55,202 We sent 500 ravens! 98 00:03:55,235 --> 00:03:57,204 Yes, but we have a telephone. 99 00:03:57,237 --> 00:04:00,374 I'm shocked and appalled that you didn't raven us back. 100 00:04:00,408 --> 00:04:02,209 We didn't know how. 101 00:04:02,242 --> 00:04:04,478 You just say, "Raven, we will be there. 102 00:04:04,512 --> 00:04:06,947 Thank you. Fly." 103 00:04:08,081 --> 00:04:09,583 You've been invited. 104 00:04:09,617 --> 00:04:11,118 (thunder claps) 105 00:04:11,151 --> 00:04:12,286 (hissing) 106 00:04:15,823 --> 00:04:17,325 Couldn't you just have telephoned? 107 00:04:21,495 --> 00:04:25,299 NANDOR: The Vampiric Council is a very ancient organization. 108 00:04:25,333 --> 00:04:27,968 Very powerful. And, apparently, 109 00:04:28,001 --> 00:04:29,837 very scary. 110 00:04:29,870 --> 00:04:33,407 LASZLO: They travel from all corners of the globe 111 00:04:33,441 --> 00:04:35,509 to administer supreme and final justice 112 00:04:35,543 --> 00:04:37,645 upon any vampire 113 00:04:37,678 --> 00:04:39,780 who's violated the Vampiric Code. 114 00:04:39,813 --> 00:04:42,516 Laszlo was very nearly summoned when he turned a baby 115 00:04:42,550 --> 00:04:45,252 into a vampire, which is a big no-no. 116 00:04:45,285 --> 00:04:46,654 It's true. You're not supposed to do that. 117 00:04:46,687 --> 00:04:49,523 But, to be honest, I was bored. 118 00:04:49,557 --> 00:04:51,592 I gave it to an acquaintance in the Bronx, 119 00:04:51,625 --> 00:04:52,826 where, I believe, 120 00:04:52,860 --> 00:04:54,495 it remains to this day. 121 00:04:54,528 --> 00:04:57,197 That baby would be about 90 years old now. 122 00:04:57,230 --> 00:04:58,632 You really fucked up there. 123 00:04:58,666 --> 00:05:00,200 I certainly did. 124 00:05:00,233 --> 00:05:01,469 Maybe we should visit it. 125 00:05:01,502 --> 00:05:03,236 I'd rather not. 126 00:05:04,372 --> 00:05:05,939 Here it is. 127 00:05:05,973 --> 00:05:08,676 NANDOR: Okay, so, obviously, we are all on edge. 128 00:05:08,709 --> 00:05:10,844 This could be about anything, 129 00:05:10,878 --> 00:05:14,448 -so we must say nothing about you-know-what. -Obviously. 130 00:05:14,482 --> 00:05:16,149 LASZLO: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa... 131 00:05:16,183 --> 00:05:18,185 NADJA: It is that woman. 132 00:05:20,821 --> 00:05:22,990 LASZLO: I think she wants us to come inside. 133 00:05:23,023 --> 00:05:24,658 Hello again. 134 00:05:26,326 --> 00:05:28,228 Follow me. 135 00:05:28,261 --> 00:05:30,197 So glad you could make it. 136 00:05:30,230 --> 00:05:32,400 (clears throat) 137 00:05:36,003 --> 00:05:37,270 -(elevator bell chimes) -Oh. 138 00:05:39,272 --> 00:05:41,074 Enter. 139 00:05:41,108 --> 00:05:42,510 (whispers): How did she do that? 140 00:05:44,211 --> 00:05:46,847 (Muzak playing) 141 00:05:46,880 --> 00:05:48,348 -(elevator bell chimes) -Oh. 142 00:05:50,117 --> 00:05:51,985 And we're here. 143 00:05:52,019 --> 00:05:54,054 And follow me. 144 00:05:54,087 --> 00:05:55,423 How does she do that? 145 00:05:57,124 --> 00:06:00,093 The Tribunal have gathered in the Chamber of Judgment, 146 00:06:00,127 --> 00:06:01,729 and there you'll be put on trial. 147 00:06:01,762 --> 00:06:04,331 NADJA: Why does this hallway never end? 148 00:06:04,364 --> 00:06:07,367 Well, it's just a freaky-long hallway. 149 00:06:15,776 --> 00:06:17,845 I thought the Council was bigger than that. 150 00:06:17,878 --> 00:06:19,880 -Maybe we can battle them. -Shh! 151 00:06:19,913 --> 00:06:21,014 GUIDE: Enter. 152 00:06:21,048 --> 00:06:22,850 Not the human. 153 00:06:22,883 --> 00:06:24,785 Vampire-only trial, Guillermo. 154 00:06:27,655 --> 00:06:29,523 What will happen to me? 155 00:06:29,557 --> 00:06:32,059 Oh, you'll see. 156 00:06:32,092 --> 00:06:34,127 (laughs, coughs) 157 00:06:34,161 --> 00:06:35,863 Sorry, I have a... 158 00:06:35,896 --> 00:06:37,565 little blood bubble in my throat. 159 00:06:37,598 --> 00:06:38,799 (clears throat) 160 00:06:38,832 --> 00:06:40,734 You'll see... 161 00:06:40,768 --> 00:06:42,402 a room at the end of the hallway 162 00:06:42,436 --> 00:06:44,271 for the familiars. 163 00:06:44,304 --> 00:06:47,374 Ludwig will take you to the familiar lounge. 164 00:06:47,407 --> 00:06:49,543 Ludwig. Ludwig. 165 00:06:49,577 --> 00:06:51,044 Ludwig! 166 00:06:51,078 --> 00:06:52,580 I'll just do it. Follow me. 167 00:06:52,613 --> 00:06:53,914 Watch your step. 168 00:06:53,947 --> 00:06:56,116 I don't have to, I glide. 169 00:06:57,818 --> 00:07:00,454 Good evening, Your Excellencies. 170 00:07:00,488 --> 00:07:03,824 This is Vasillika the Defiler. 171 00:07:03,857 --> 00:07:05,292 Hello. 172 00:07:05,325 --> 00:07:07,294 And I am... 173 00:07:07,327 --> 00:07:09,296 Garrett. 174 00:07:09,329 --> 00:07:10,798 Garrett the... 175 00:07:10,831 --> 00:07:12,299 The vampire. 176 00:07:12,332 --> 00:07:13,333 Simple. Nice. 177 00:07:13,366 --> 00:07:15,235 Hi, Garrett the vampire. 178 00:07:15,268 --> 00:07:17,971 Now, what happened with the Baron? 179 00:07:18,005 --> 00:07:19,840 -He's dead. -Oh... 180 00:07:19,873 --> 00:07:22,643 -Sorry, everyone. -It w... We didn't make him dead. 181 00:07:22,676 --> 00:07:24,978 LASZLO: No, it's true. It was a misunderstanding. 182 00:07:25,012 --> 00:07:27,681 Um, as a joke, we said, "Why not kill the Baron?" 183 00:07:27,715 --> 00:07:29,449 And if you were there at the time, 184 00:07:29,483 --> 00:07:30,851 -you, too, would have laughed. -NANDOR: (chuckles) Yes. 185 00:07:30,884 --> 00:07:33,453 Now we realize that it was probably a stupid thing to say, 186 00:07:33,487 --> 00:07:35,589 and we are truly sorry, 187 00:07:35,623 --> 00:07:37,424 and we're taking this very seriously. 188 00:07:37,457 --> 00:07:38,792 And these are our serious faces. 189 00:07:38,826 --> 00:07:42,596 Serious, serious, serious. 190 00:07:42,630 --> 00:07:44,732 GUIDE: Follow. 191 00:07:47,134 --> 00:07:48,335 What are you doing? 192 00:07:48,368 --> 00:07:50,604 I'm warming my face. It's so cold in here. 193 00:07:50,638 --> 00:07:52,472 Well, it's an LED light. 194 00:07:52,506 --> 00:07:55,275 -Oh. -There's no way we could have fire. 195 00:07:55,308 --> 00:07:58,245 The fire marshals would have a fit. 196 00:08:01,381 --> 00:08:02,950 I have to say 197 00:08:02,983 --> 00:08:05,385 we are deeply moved 198 00:08:05,418 --> 00:08:07,655 by your story, and-and maybe it's just me, 199 00:08:07,688 --> 00:08:09,056 but I don't think you're guilty at all. 200 00:08:09,089 --> 00:08:10,323 -Vasillika? -Mm, no, 201 00:08:10,357 --> 00:08:11,725 I don't think you sound guilty. 202 00:08:11,759 --> 00:08:15,028 I-I think... they might let you go. 203 00:08:15,062 --> 00:08:17,030 Sorry, what do you mean by "they"? 204 00:08:17,064 --> 00:08:19,466 VASILLIKA: The Vampiric Council. 205 00:08:19,499 --> 00:08:21,301 You're not the Vampiric Council? 206 00:08:21,334 --> 00:08:23,070 -(laughs) -Oh. (laughing) 207 00:08:23,103 --> 00:08:25,305 GARRETT (laughing): No. No, we're... 208 00:08:25,338 --> 00:08:26,506 -we're prisoners here. -No, we have 209 00:08:26,540 --> 00:08:28,141 -been imprisoned in this boring room -Oh... 210 00:08:28,175 --> 00:08:31,211 for... 1,000 years? 211 00:08:31,244 --> 00:08:34,081 -Oh, it's really awful. -Since 1932. 212 00:08:34,114 --> 00:08:35,716 Mm. 213 00:08:35,749 --> 00:08:38,218 That's not 1,000 years. 214 00:08:38,251 --> 00:08:40,554 What-what year is it? 215 00:08:40,588 --> 00:08:42,289 It's 2019. 216 00:08:44,357 --> 00:08:46,059 We have been here for 90 years. 217 00:08:46,093 --> 00:08:47,728 -GARRETT: Oh, shit. -What did you do? 218 00:08:47,761 --> 00:08:49,897 Oh, me? Too much defiling. 219 00:08:49,930 --> 00:08:52,065 They say I turned a baby into a vampire 220 00:08:52,099 --> 00:08:53,901 and left it in the Bronx. 221 00:08:53,934 --> 00:08:57,370 Who would do such a thing? If I ever find out who did it, 222 00:08:57,404 --> 00:09:00,608 I will take a dagger and stab them 5,000 times 223 00:09:00,641 --> 00:09:04,111 with this hand, switch hands, and stab them 224 00:09:04,144 --> 00:09:06,213 another 5,000 times! 225 00:09:06,246 --> 00:09:09,049 I can fill up this book 226 00:09:09,082 --> 00:09:12,452 with the ways I would torture that vampire. 227 00:09:14,487 --> 00:09:16,023 Wouldn't want to be him. 228 00:09:16,056 --> 00:09:18,992 -That poor baby. -Poor, poor baby. 229 00:09:20,628 --> 00:09:24,464 The Vampiric Council will see you now. 230 00:09:24,497 --> 00:09:27,534 -Doesn't have to be right now. -I mean, right now... 231 00:09:27,567 --> 00:09:30,604 -Right now. I... They had a break, but they're ready now. -They... 232 00:09:35,142 --> 00:09:37,144 (door slams shut) 233 00:09:42,650 --> 00:09:45,753 Hey. Are you a familiar, too? 234 00:09:45,786 --> 00:09:47,788 Yes. 235 00:09:47,821 --> 00:09:49,589 Welcome. 236 00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:01,902 (bell tolling) 237 00:10:01,935 --> 00:10:05,472 This is the chamber where you will be tried. 238 00:10:05,505 --> 00:10:07,641 You could hang... 239 00:10:07,675 --> 00:10:11,111 -Hang? -...here, until the trial starts. 240 00:10:11,144 --> 00:10:12,780 I think we're ready. 241 00:10:12,813 --> 00:10:14,081 -No... -NANDOR: We are not ready. -GUIDE: Yes. We are ready. 242 00:10:14,114 --> 00:10:15,282 NANDOR: No, we're not... -What? What's going... 243 00:10:15,315 --> 00:10:18,351 The spectacle of judgment begins. 244 00:10:18,385 --> 00:10:20,788 * 245 00:10:20,821 --> 00:10:22,823 LASZLO: What the hell is this? 246 00:10:38,371 --> 00:10:40,507 That's very elaborate. 247 00:10:40,540 --> 00:10:42,009 GUIDE: Since this may be your last night 248 00:10:42,042 --> 00:10:43,977 of existence, the Vampiric Council 249 00:10:44,011 --> 00:10:47,347 likes to do something a little bit special. 250 00:10:47,380 --> 00:10:49,950 They rehearsed it for decades. 251 00:10:49,983 --> 00:10:51,384 * 252 00:10:58,826 --> 00:11:00,728 LASZLO: This is very odd. 253 00:11:00,761 --> 00:11:02,763 * 254 00:11:16,176 --> 00:11:17,510 -(music ends) -(bell tolls) 255 00:11:21,681 --> 00:11:24,551 -(bell tolling) -What the blazes is this? 256 00:11:26,086 --> 00:11:28,521 Dark greetings of the night 257 00:11:28,555 --> 00:11:30,523 to all the members 258 00:11:30,557 --> 00:11:33,861 of the Vampiric Council, from all the continents, 259 00:11:33,894 --> 00:11:37,530 gathered here together on... 260 00:11:37,564 --> 00:11:39,566 -(whispers): Staten Island. -On St... 261 00:11:39,599 --> 00:11:41,902 O-On Staten Island. 262 00:11:41,935 --> 00:11:45,739 VIAGO: Welcome, vampires from near and far, 263 00:11:45,773 --> 00:11:49,542 to this here grand Vampiric Council, 264 00:11:49,576 --> 00:11:53,046 to judge over these three accused. 265 00:11:53,080 --> 00:11:56,416 Accused of what, you may ask. 266 00:11:56,449 --> 00:11:57,751 -Murder... -Vampire murder. 267 00:11:57,785 --> 00:11:59,787 -Vampire murder. -Sor... vampire murder. 268 00:11:59,820 --> 00:12:02,522 (hissing) 269 00:12:02,555 --> 00:12:05,392 VIAGO: So that's why we're here. 270 00:12:05,425 --> 00:12:07,260 I'll now introduce the leaders of the council, 271 00:12:07,294 --> 00:12:10,563 starting here with Tilda. 272 00:12:10,597 --> 00:12:12,199 Pretty much our leader. 273 00:12:12,232 --> 00:12:13,967 -She's the one who makes all the big decisions. -Hello. 274 00:12:15,836 --> 00:12:17,404 Welcome, Tilda. 275 00:12:17,437 --> 00:12:21,374 I am Viago Von Dorna Schmarten 276 00:12:21,408 --> 00:12:23,777 Scheden Heimburg. 277 00:12:23,811 --> 00:12:25,612 This is Deacon Brucke. 278 00:12:25,645 --> 00:12:28,081 -Hello. -Vladislav the Poker. 279 00:12:28,115 --> 00:12:29,783 We also have 280 00:12:29,817 --> 00:12:31,251 Evan, the Immortal 281 00:12:31,284 --> 00:12:33,887 Princess of the Undead. 282 00:12:33,921 --> 00:12:35,322 You don't have to say my whole name. You can just say Evan, 283 00:12:35,355 --> 00:12:36,957 it's fine. -VIAGO: Or just Evan. 284 00:12:36,990 --> 00:12:38,758 Who else do we have? Danny. 285 00:12:38,792 --> 00:12:41,094 Hey, Danny. With his shirt off, as usual. 286 00:12:41,128 --> 00:12:44,064 Cool Mexican tattoos all over his chest. 287 00:12:44,097 --> 00:12:47,100 -Dark greetings, everyone. -VIAGO: Welcome, Danny. 288 00:12:47,134 --> 00:12:50,570 -We also have Paul. -Dark greetings, everyone. Dark greetings. 289 00:12:50,603 --> 00:12:54,107 Great to be here. 290 00:12:54,141 --> 00:12:57,978 -Rob... Wh... Is Rob here? Is... -Couldn't make it. 291 00:12:58,011 --> 00:13:00,580 -We couldn't get Rob? -Uh, no, I-I talked to Rob, he didn't... 292 00:13:00,613 --> 00:13:03,183 didn't want to come. Want to... leave it behind. 293 00:13:03,216 --> 00:13:04,484 VIAGO: That's fine. No, he didn't want 294 00:13:04,517 --> 00:13:07,187 -to be here. Kiefer? -I don't see Kiefer. 295 00:13:07,220 --> 00:13:09,422 Kiefer said that he wanted to do it, but he couldn't come. 296 00:13:09,456 --> 00:13:11,524 -He was busy? -Tom and Brad... 297 00:13:11,558 --> 00:13:12,960 -VLADISLAV: Tom, not... No. -VIAGO: Not interested. 298 00:13:12,993 --> 00:13:15,295 -Tom and Bra... Well... -VIAGO: Not into it. 299 00:13:15,328 --> 00:13:16,796 They're not committed like us. 300 00:13:16,830 --> 00:13:18,832 It's just an availability thing. 301 00:13:18,866 --> 00:13:21,801 -Well, who is here? -VIAGO: Calling in via Skype, 302 00:13:21,835 --> 00:13:25,038 we have Wesley over there, the day-walker. 303 00:13:25,072 --> 00:13:26,439 -TILDA: Wesley! -VIAGO: Hey, Wesley. -Is this working? 304 00:13:26,473 --> 00:13:28,641 -VIAGO: Look at him then... -Oh, God, not this fucking guy. 305 00:13:28,675 --> 00:13:30,978 He is a vampire killer! 306 00:13:31,011 --> 00:13:33,346 Hey, he is half vampire. 307 00:13:33,380 --> 00:13:35,482 His opinion still counts. 308 00:13:35,515 --> 00:13:38,685 -Yeah, well, I'm only listening to half his opinion. -(hisses) 309 00:13:38,718 --> 00:13:40,720 -DANNY: Look at him in the sunlight. -VLADISLAV: Showing off. 310 00:13:40,753 --> 00:13:42,822 -Can you hear me? -Wesley, can you hear us? 311 00:13:42,856 --> 00:13:44,191 -Hey, can you hear me? -VLADISLAV: There's a lag. 312 00:13:44,224 --> 00:13:46,894 The Skype seems glitchy. 313 00:13:46,927 --> 00:13:49,129 -Hello? -Push the mute button. -TILDA: It looks like 314 00:13:49,162 --> 00:13:51,364 a little microphone, it's got a-got a ring around it. 315 00:13:51,398 --> 00:13:52,532 -I'm pushing it. -VIAGO: Can you hear us now? 316 00:13:52,565 --> 00:13:55,235 I can hear you. Dark greetings. 317 00:13:55,268 --> 00:13:56,870 Okay. Great. 318 00:13:56,904 --> 00:13:58,805 Moving on. As is vampire law, 319 00:13:58,838 --> 00:14:00,840 we also have a local vampire here 320 00:14:00,874 --> 00:14:04,011 on the council this evening, Colin Robinson. 321 00:14:04,044 --> 00:14:05,412 Hello. 322 00:14:05,445 --> 00:14:07,014 What the fuck are you doing here? 323 00:14:07,047 --> 00:14:08,715 Okay, now... 324 00:14:08,748 --> 00:14:10,817 So why are we gathered on "Statee" Island? 325 00:14:10,850 --> 00:14:13,020 Because one of our brothers has passed from this world. 326 00:14:13,053 --> 00:14:17,557 Baron Afanas, also known as The Undying One. 327 00:14:17,590 --> 00:14:20,827 Well, he died. That's why we're here. 328 00:14:20,860 --> 00:14:22,029 Call the witness. 329 00:14:22,062 --> 00:14:24,031 First witness. 330 00:14:24,064 --> 00:14:25,832 -Oh, good grief. -Oh, shit. 331 00:14:25,865 --> 00:14:27,935 Where the hell did she come from? 332 00:14:27,968 --> 00:14:30,938 This is Baron Afanas' familiar. 333 00:14:30,971 --> 00:14:33,840 Witness number one, speak. 334 00:14:33,873 --> 00:14:36,843 (whispers): It's okay. She doesn't speak. 335 00:14:36,876 --> 00:14:40,847 On the eve of the death of my master... 336 00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:42,049 (whispers): Well, she's speaking now. 337 00:14:42,082 --> 00:14:44,517 ...these three vampires 338 00:14:44,551 --> 00:14:47,620 -took Baron Afanas... -(whispers): She's speaking. 339 00:14:47,654 --> 00:14:51,925 ...and they let him partake of human food. 340 00:14:51,959 --> 00:14:53,860 (vampires groaning, hissing) 341 00:14:53,893 --> 00:14:56,930 We cannot eat human food. It's gross. 342 00:14:56,964 --> 00:14:58,298 DANNY: The fuck is wrong with you guys? 343 00:14:58,331 --> 00:14:59,566 BARON'S FAMILIAR: Earlier, 344 00:14:59,599 --> 00:15:03,236 I overheard them plotting to murder him. 345 00:15:03,270 --> 00:15:04,938 (vampires gasping, hissing) 346 00:15:04,972 --> 00:15:06,773 She speaks the bullshit. 347 00:15:06,806 --> 00:15:09,109 We simply floated the idea. 348 00:15:09,142 --> 00:15:10,910 You floated the idea of murdering him? 349 00:15:10,944 --> 00:15:14,047 -LASZLO: Yes. -Not floated, you plotted. 350 00:15:14,081 --> 00:15:16,716 -Floating and plotting are very similar. -WESLEY: Wait, 351 00:15:16,749 --> 00:15:19,652 -The Baron is dead? -VIAGO: Oh, my God, Wesley, 352 00:15:19,686 --> 00:15:21,421 -we're past that now. -Wesley, catch up, we're past that. 353 00:15:21,454 --> 00:15:23,823 -Remove the witness. -VIAGO: Yeah. -Thanks a lot. 354 00:15:23,856 --> 00:15:26,393 -Bye, bitch. -WESLEY: Human food? Like-like-like 355 00:15:26,426 --> 00:15:28,561 -hamburger or some-something like that? -VIAGO: Wesley. 356 00:15:28,595 --> 00:15:30,163 We're over the human food thing. Shut up. 357 00:15:30,197 --> 00:15:31,898 We're not talking about that, Wesley. 358 00:15:31,931 --> 00:15:33,333 You need better Wi-Fi. 359 00:15:33,366 --> 00:15:35,969 Move the computer next to your router, homes. 360 00:15:36,003 --> 00:15:37,804 Hey, hey, hey. It's not my Wi-Fi. 361 00:15:37,837 --> 00:15:40,173 I got the best Wi-Fi. Okay? 362 00:15:40,207 --> 00:15:42,842 I heard about one familiar who was made into a vampire, 363 00:15:42,875 --> 00:15:46,613 and now he has a big castle and he is really successful... 364 00:15:46,646 --> 00:15:50,150 My master says I'm gonna be a vampire in a few days. 365 00:15:50,183 --> 00:15:52,585 It's only been seven decades. 366 00:15:52,619 --> 00:15:54,988 So, have any of you 367 00:15:55,022 --> 00:15:58,725 met a familiar who's become a vampire? 368 00:16:00,827 --> 00:16:01,928 Not personally, 369 00:16:01,961 --> 00:16:04,364 never met one. 370 00:16:04,397 --> 00:16:08,701 Well, I'll be a vampire soon, and then you'll know a vampire. 371 00:16:08,735 --> 00:16:11,038 And then you can become my familiar. 372 00:16:11,071 --> 00:16:13,673 Did anyone really like The Baron, anyway? 373 00:16:13,706 --> 00:16:16,343 -Well, I... no, I didn't like him. He was creepy. -I mean, I didn't... 374 00:16:16,376 --> 00:16:19,979 -He was loco. -I thought he was pretty rude and a backstabber. 375 00:16:20,013 --> 00:16:22,049 -He was a bit of an asshole. -Loco. 376 00:16:22,082 --> 00:16:23,516 He was a psychotic madman. 377 00:16:23,550 --> 00:16:24,851 Aren't we all, though? A little bit? 378 00:16:24,884 --> 00:16:26,053 DEACON: He was a whackjob, 379 00:16:26,086 --> 00:16:28,688 he was crazy, but rules are rules. 380 00:16:28,721 --> 00:16:30,723 -VIAGO: Now what? -Bring in the other witness. 381 00:16:30,757 --> 00:16:32,825 -VIAGO: Now let us call the next witness. -LASZLO: What other witness? 382 00:16:32,859 --> 00:16:35,495 -PAUL: Another witness. -VIAGO: Witness number whatever-it-is. 383 00:16:35,528 --> 00:16:37,230 -LASZLO: Oh, my life. -Guillermo. 384 00:16:37,264 --> 00:16:38,698 VIAGO: Who's this delicious-looking thing? 385 00:16:38,731 --> 00:16:40,667 What is this? Is this-is this lunch? 386 00:16:40,700 --> 00:16:41,901 -NADJA: Yes, it's lunch. -No, it's not lunch. 387 00:16:41,934 --> 00:16:43,070 It's lunch. 388 00:16:43,103 --> 00:16:45,838 GUIDE: This is one of their familiars, council. 389 00:16:45,872 --> 00:16:46,973 He bears witness. 390 00:16:47,006 --> 00:16:49,176 Did these vampires three 391 00:16:49,209 --> 00:16:51,744 murder The Baron? 392 00:16:51,778 --> 00:16:53,046 No, they did not. 393 00:16:53,080 --> 00:16:55,248 Did they "float" it? 394 00:16:55,282 --> 00:16:57,984 They discussed it, but they-they were just talking. 395 00:16:58,017 --> 00:16:59,652 They weren't going to really do it. 396 00:16:59,686 --> 00:17:02,522 VLADISLAV: So who murdered The Baron? 397 00:17:02,555 --> 00:17:04,291 Um... 398 00:17:08,428 --> 00:17:11,298 They... It was I. I-I killed him. 399 00:17:13,032 --> 00:17:14,501 -You did it? -Yes. 400 00:17:14,534 --> 00:17:15,702 (stifled laugh) 401 00:17:15,735 --> 00:17:17,237 It was I. I did it. 402 00:17:17,270 --> 00:17:19,372 Okay. Unlikely. 403 00:17:19,406 --> 00:17:22,275 Don't take offense, but you don't seem like someone 404 00:17:22,309 --> 00:17:24,511 who would be capable of killing a vampire. 405 00:17:24,544 --> 00:17:26,246 -But I did it. -Uh, hard to believe. 406 00:17:26,279 --> 00:17:28,047 -Well, I did. -From maybe a tougher-looking guy, 407 00:17:28,081 --> 00:17:31,084 -I'd believe it, but... -TILDA: I think you're lying 408 00:17:31,118 --> 00:17:32,685 -to protect your master. -VIAGO: Of course he is. 409 00:17:32,719 --> 00:17:34,721 This little guy couldn't kill a vampire. 410 00:17:34,754 --> 00:17:36,923 No, it was, it was me. I opened the door and it was dawn 411 00:17:36,956 --> 00:17:38,358 and then the sun came in and... 412 00:17:38,391 --> 00:17:40,293 (stammers) and then it happened. 413 00:17:40,327 --> 00:17:42,695 That sounds very made-up. 414 00:17:42,729 --> 00:17:44,030 VIAGO: I mean, I don't know, guys. 415 00:17:44,063 --> 00:17:45,932 None of us really liked The Baron, 416 00:17:45,965 --> 00:17:48,368 so maybe we just kill this cute little guy 417 00:17:48,401 --> 00:17:50,403 and then let the other three go. 418 00:17:50,437 --> 00:17:51,571 Send his soul to hell. 419 00:17:51,604 --> 00:17:53,373 Does anyone else feel like having 420 00:17:53,406 --> 00:17:56,476 -a cheeky little snack? -Sneaky snack? 421 00:17:56,509 --> 00:17:58,478 -(vampires hissing) -VLADISLAV: What do you think, Wesley? 422 00:17:58,511 --> 00:18:01,481 Who is this motherfucker now? This glasses motherfucker? 423 00:18:01,514 --> 00:18:02,749 PAUL: It's lunch, Wesley. 424 00:18:02,782 --> 00:18:05,218 -Lunch. -Oh, yeah. -No! 425 00:18:05,252 --> 00:18:06,753 NANDOR: I cannot abide by this. 426 00:18:06,786 --> 00:18:08,955 -(exhales): Oh. -Get to the point. 427 00:18:08,988 --> 00:18:12,559 -Have you got a point to make? -Listen to me. 428 00:18:12,592 --> 00:18:14,894 -We're all listening. -You got... Everyone's listening. 429 00:18:14,927 --> 00:18:16,329 -Everyone's like... -Everyone has stopped what they were doing, 430 00:18:16,363 --> 00:18:17,830 we were all about to chomp down on this guy, 431 00:18:17,864 --> 00:18:20,433 and then you said, "Oh, I'm gonna say something." 432 00:18:20,467 --> 00:18:22,435 -Speak. -It was we... 433 00:18:22,469 --> 00:18:24,904 -NADJA: No. -who killed The Baron. 434 00:18:24,937 --> 00:18:26,506 We thought that! That's what we thought. 435 00:18:26,539 --> 00:18:28,775 -We-we... -We were all discussing that. 436 00:18:28,808 --> 00:18:29,842 TILDA: You have committed 437 00:18:29,876 --> 00:18:33,079 premeditated vampicide. 438 00:18:33,112 --> 00:18:35,014 Pass the judgment, Tilda. 439 00:18:35,047 --> 00:18:36,916 TILDA: I pronounce these three 440 00:18:36,949 --> 00:18:38,751 guilty. 441 00:18:38,785 --> 00:18:41,154 Raise your fangs, all who agree. 442 00:18:41,188 --> 00:18:43,356 (vampires hissing) 443 00:18:46,626 --> 00:18:48,195 (cries) 444 00:18:48,228 --> 00:18:49,996 The punishment is 445 00:18:50,029 --> 00:18:52,131 they will be killed in the same manner 446 00:18:52,165 --> 00:18:53,533 that their victim was: 447 00:18:53,566 --> 00:18:56,102 exposed to sunlight. 448 00:18:56,135 --> 00:18:58,671 -Ooh! -VIAGO: Ow, Chihuahuas. 449 00:18:58,705 --> 00:18:59,772 (snarls) 450 00:18:59,806 --> 00:19:01,508 Man, that's fucking rough. 451 00:19:01,541 --> 00:19:03,943 You gonna help us, Colin Robinson? 452 00:19:03,976 --> 00:19:05,545 Fuck can I do? 453 00:19:05,578 --> 00:19:07,780 GUIDE: Follow me to your doom. 454 00:19:07,814 --> 00:19:09,182 Don't worry. 455 00:19:09,216 --> 00:19:12,552 I've coordinated a secret escape plan. 456 00:19:13,986 --> 00:19:15,355 Bat! 457 00:19:15,388 --> 00:19:17,190 NADJA: Laszlo, you fucking asshole! How could... 458 00:19:17,224 --> 00:19:19,226 -How could... -Ludwig, get him. 459 00:19:19,259 --> 00:19:22,262 Dan, get her. 460 00:19:24,997 --> 00:19:26,966 Watch the hands, Mr. Hands! 461 00:19:26,999 --> 00:19:29,636 Fucking hell! 462 00:19:29,669 --> 00:19:33,072 Release my blade. 463 00:19:33,105 --> 00:19:35,041 -Ooh. -Is it welded on there, or...? 464 00:19:35,074 --> 00:19:37,009 Well, it's for decoration, really. 465 00:19:37,043 --> 00:19:40,146 -Thank you, Ludwig, very good. -Fuck me. 466 00:19:40,179 --> 00:19:41,981 What is that? Uh... Hey! 467 00:19:42,014 --> 00:19:44,183 He's a vampire, he couldn't get an ax off a wall. 468 00:19:44,217 --> 00:19:45,752 Well, you should see it. 469 00:19:45,785 --> 00:19:47,987 It's, like, welded on there or something. 470 00:19:48,020 --> 00:19:50,056 (sighs) 471 00:19:50,089 --> 00:19:51,858 We have to find a way out of here. 472 00:19:51,891 --> 00:19:53,493 This is the thing where we wa... Okay, 473 00:19:53,526 --> 00:19:56,696 I broke this, turned right, and then we turned left to the... 474 00:19:56,729 --> 00:19:58,598 -(roars) -(screams) 475 00:19:58,631 --> 00:19:59,766 -Stay back! -(screams) 476 00:20:01,801 --> 00:20:03,436 Oh... 477 00:20:03,470 --> 00:20:04,737 (groaning) 478 00:20:05,772 --> 00:20:06,739 (quietly): It was an accident. 479 00:20:06,773 --> 00:20:09,008 It was an accident. It was an accident. 480 00:20:09,041 --> 00:20:10,477 It was an accident! 481 00:20:13,713 --> 00:20:16,449 So, they're being sent into a well, and, uh, 482 00:20:16,483 --> 00:20:18,685 the sun's going to slowly come up, 483 00:20:18,718 --> 00:20:21,087 -and then they'll burn to death. -It's a very horrible way to die. 484 00:20:21,120 --> 00:20:24,757 -Very dramatic way to die. -(chuckles): Yes. 485 00:20:24,791 --> 00:20:27,294 * 486 00:20:27,327 --> 00:20:29,629 (birds chirping) 487 00:20:29,662 --> 00:20:32,231 (Laszlo, Nandor, and Nadja screaming) 488 00:20:39,071 --> 00:20:40,607 That's so macabre. 489 00:20:40,640 --> 00:20:42,442 They could have at least cleared them up 490 00:20:42,475 --> 00:20:44,911 before putting us in here. 491 00:20:44,944 --> 00:20:46,946 (yelping, panting) 492 00:20:48,981 --> 00:20:50,249 (screaming) 493 00:20:52,251 --> 00:20:53,586 (hissing) 494 00:20:53,620 --> 00:20:55,588 I wish I had made more of my leadership skills. 495 00:20:55,622 --> 00:20:57,590 I could have ruled many more countries 496 00:20:57,624 --> 00:21:01,294 -instead of dying in a well with two perverts. -(mouths) 497 00:21:01,328 --> 00:21:03,563 I was Jack the Ripper. 498 00:21:03,596 --> 00:21:05,998 I've never told anyone that before. 499 00:21:06,032 --> 00:21:07,834 And I wish I'd made love more. 500 00:21:07,867 --> 00:21:10,269 Well, you did that a lot. A lot. 501 00:21:10,303 --> 00:21:12,939 -I suppose I did. -Yeah, a-a lot. 502 00:21:12,972 --> 00:21:15,408 I miss my horse John. 503 00:21:15,442 --> 00:21:19,145 I wish I was better to him. And to you both. 504 00:21:19,178 --> 00:21:22,148 That's very kind of you, Nandor, to say that, and, um, 505 00:21:22,181 --> 00:21:25,985 I know we haven't got on over the years, but, uh... 506 00:21:26,018 --> 00:21:28,955 Nope, that's it. 507 00:21:28,988 --> 00:21:31,491 I hate to say it, but I think it's gonna hurt. 508 00:21:31,524 --> 00:21:34,361 -(crying): Oh, no! -Fucking Colin Robinson. 509 00:21:34,394 --> 00:21:37,096 -Oh, shit. -No! No! 510 00:21:37,129 --> 00:21:39,966 -Save me! Oh, Gregor, I love you! -No! No! 511 00:21:39,999 --> 00:21:42,435 Gregor! 512 00:21:42,469 --> 00:21:44,837 -Oh, my love, my love... -(screams) I'm burning! 513 00:21:44,871 --> 00:21:46,839 (Nadja screaming) 514 00:21:46,873 --> 00:21:48,475 (gasping, panting) 515 00:21:48,508 --> 00:21:50,977 -I-It is an eclipse. -What is that? 516 00:21:51,010 --> 00:21:53,112 Hey, dudes. It's me, Colin Robinson, your roommate. 517 00:21:53,145 --> 00:21:55,548 -(groans) -(whispers): Colin Robinson? -COLIN: Yeah, 518 00:21:55,582 --> 00:21:57,650 Guillermo's here, too. He was running around, peeing himself. 519 00:21:57,684 --> 00:21:59,285 I didn't pee myself, Master. 520 00:21:59,318 --> 00:22:01,120 -He was freaked out. -No, I wasn't. 521 00:22:01,153 --> 00:22:03,790 So, anyway, I, uh, I was walking by this hardware store 522 00:22:03,823 --> 00:22:05,558 and I says to myself, "Colin, you should go in 523 00:22:05,592 --> 00:22:08,895 and, uh, see if they have any umbrellas for the well." 524 00:22:08,928 --> 00:22:11,731 Made sure to keep the receipt, I'm gonna probably take it back. 525 00:22:11,764 --> 00:22:13,400 You can do that on non-food items. 526 00:22:13,433 --> 00:22:16,035 -Is he zapping our energy? -He's taking advantage of us. 527 00:22:16,068 --> 00:22:18,170 -Don't do that. -Shut up. 528 00:22:18,204 --> 00:22:20,006 Do you not want me to stay? I can... I'll go. 529 00:22:20,039 --> 00:22:22,409 -No, no, no, no, no! No! -No, don't do that! No! 530 00:22:22,442 --> 00:22:24,243 (chuckles) Just giving you guys guff. 531 00:22:24,276 --> 00:22:26,012 Yeah, I'm gonna save you. 532 00:22:26,045 --> 00:22:28,381 You guys awake? 533 00:22:28,415 --> 00:22:31,818 -(bats screeching) -Hello? 534 00:22:31,851 --> 00:22:34,086 (chuckles): Oh, no, a roller coaster for vampires. 535 00:22:34,120 --> 00:22:36,188 (laughs) 536 00:22:36,222 --> 00:22:39,659 -Oh, no, oh, no! Roller coaster again. -Stop it, Colin Robinson. 537 00:22:39,692 --> 00:22:42,161 And sorry about the camera crew at the bottom of the well. 538 00:22:42,194 --> 00:22:44,531 You're gonna want to get them out sooner than later. 539 00:22:44,564 --> 00:22:46,298 They're in-they're in grave danger. 540 00:22:48,234 --> 00:22:51,037 -You had a heck of a day, too, huh? -Yeah. 541 00:22:51,070 --> 00:22:54,106 -How long have you been with us? -Ten years. 542 00:22:54,140 --> 00:22:56,543 I guess that's the whole deal, right? 543 00:22:56,576 --> 00:22:58,177 That, you know, you work for him, 544 00:22:58,210 --> 00:23:01,814 and he eventually turns you into a, uh, a vampire? 545 00:23:04,083 --> 00:23:05,452 Yeah. 546 00:23:05,485 --> 00:23:07,454 That's the deal. 547 00:23:07,487 --> 00:23:10,089 * Can't trust his kind today * 548 00:23:13,259 --> 00:23:17,229 * Love has died and death is here to stay... * 549 00:23:18,297 --> 00:23:19,566 (birds chirping) 550 00:23:21,300 --> 00:23:24,270 * Guess our plan can fade away * 551 00:23:24,303 --> 00:23:28,274 * On a cloud so far away * 552 00:23:28,307 --> 00:23:32,244 * Time will come when death will pave the way * 553 00:23:34,313 --> 00:23:39,318 * Time will come when death will pave the way * 554 00:23:41,320 --> 00:23:45,291 * Time will come when death will pave the way * 555 00:23:48,327 --> 00:23:52,264 * Time will come when death will pave the way * 556 00:23:55,201 --> 00:23:58,170 * Time will come when death will pave the way. * 557 00:24:05,211 --> 00:24:07,179 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH 558 00:24:09,281 --> 00:24:13,119 (eerie chanting)