- (alarms blaring) - (overlapping shouts)
(man on P.A., indistinct)
MAN (on P.A.): All personnel report to stations.
(alarms continue)
(man on P.A., indistinct)
All personnel report to stations.
FEMALE VOICE: Biometric not recognized.
MAN: Didn't know you were a lefty, Bob.
- FEMALE VOICE (on P.A.): You have five seconds to present alternative identification.
- Five, four, three... - (device beeping)
Access granted.
(air hissing)
FEMALE VOICE (on P.A): Caution. Atmosphere unstable.
(alarm beeping)
MALE VOICE: There can be only one... (indistinct)
MALE VOICE: Whosoever possesses the book
shall wield such magicks.
♪♪ (theme)
Emily must have loved having you around.
- Always fixing things. - She did.
Well, towards the end.
The only thing I couldn't fix was us.
And the downstairs toilet.
Can I ask what happened?
Yeah, I just think a lifetime of heavy twos
just kind of smashed the system up.
- Oh, no, I meant between you and Emily. - Oh, sorry.
I left.
- Just felt like she was keeping something from me. - (door opens)
Fellas, we've got a mission.
Helen said we'd been contacted with a lead,
by some new subscriber called JoJo74.
- JoJo74. - Yeah. Inbox.
Click it.
JoJo74 said this was taken this morning
- in a place called Bodmin. - Bodmin?
The Bodmin?
"Bodmin Moor in Cornwall" Bodmin?
I don't know, but that's a big, bloody cat.
Yeah, one might call it a beast.
Beast of Bodmin Moor.
Listen, you said it was big. What scale are you using?
That tree looks like a full grown
quercus ellipsoidalis, about 10 meters tall.
We can establish how big that cat is
using the tree as a reference.
(chuckles) How come you know so much about trees?
Oh, I used to work for family of tree surgeons couple years back.
What is your best guesstimate for the size of this cat?
Six feet, nose to tail, give or take.
- It's a big boy. - It's a big boy.
What say you we head down to Cornwall
and capture ourselves a big cat?
Fuck that.
No, on video. We do it on video.
Oh, yeah. That's all right, then.
Here we are, Terry. The jump-off.
From here, we shall leave this place and start again...
(whispers) on Eternis.
Eternis.
We're so close now.
Yes...
we are, Terry.
Just not you.
- What do you mean? - (doors lock)
Not everyone can make the transfer, Terry.
Some of us need to make a different sacrifice.
And you-- you've been chosen.
Why? Why me?
Thank you.
(door handle rattling)
(knocking)
I love you, Terry.
You know that, don't you?
(device whines)
- The range has improved. - Good.
Because of Terry and his like,
we will be able to make the transition.
Let's take a brief moment
to cherish the gift Terry has offered us.
(inhales) Okay.
Make sure you burn that before you get rid of it, will you?
Just gonna go and get a cappuccino.
- ASTRID: What's that? - ELTON: Careful. It's a spirit pod.
(door slides, slams)
- You're up early. - Yeah, well, if you must know,
got an overactive hemorrhoid.
Oh, look at her.
She's beautiful.
You know, you can teach yourself not to think about it,
you forget it even, but once in a while,
it's just very, very painful.
Are we talking about Emily or your hemorrhoid?
Emily, you daft twit.
But admittedly, it could apply to both.
(door opens)
"HMS Darkside" ready for pre-flight checks.
Oh, hang on. You going out again?
You know I am.
Well, what if I was to fall over an die?
Ah, you know-- It's nature's away, isn't it?
Listen, Helen's gonna come over
and cut some videos for the channel.
- Oh, she's coming over now? - Yeah.
Well, I like Helen, 'cause she gets me.
-She just pulled up. -Oh, bollocks.
Better make myself presentable.
Oh, come on.
- (Helen shouting in distance) - Oh, oh.
Come on. Oh, bollocks.
Hey, guys. So... Where shall I set up?
Ooh! Can I drive "Darkside"?
No, you're never gonna drive "Darkside."
(phone ringing)
Hello, Gus Roberts's phone. Gus Roberts speaking.
Gus, it's Dave. I'm gonna give Elton a call as well,
but I'd thought I'd start with the brains of the operation.
GUS: Yeah, Elton's actually here with me.
- Dave, you're on speakerphone. - ELTON: Hello, Dave.
And then move on to the sheer, bloody charisma and good looks.
Thanks, Dave.
Well, employees socializing on the weekend,
that certainly puts a "Smyle" on my face.
Yeah, we're taking "HMS Darkside"
- on a little weekend jaunt. - Don't tell him.
Let me assure you that I will not be invoicing
the company for any fuel that we use.
GUS (on speaker): I will rely on my own private fuel.
You shall do no such thing, Gus.
I'm sure Smyle wouldn't begrudge its two top employees
a little extra-curricular team-building activity.
- Did you say "top employees"? - DAVE: I did.
That's exactly why I'm calling.
You, gentlemen, have received the most Smyle points this month
by a country mile.
Lovely. Very encouraging. Thank you, Dave.
So, where are you off to?
- Bodmin Moor. - Bodmin? The Bodmin?
"Bodmin Moor in Cornwall" Bodmin?
Are you two hoping to catch a glimpse of the elusive beast?
Well, it's not just us. Astrid's here, too.
Oh, yes, that strange, little pixie girl--
- ASTRID: Hi, Dave. - ...who so enchanted me when I met her.
All right then. Well, have a great time.
And try not to get mauled to death.
(laughs) Good-bye.
(beeps)
Bjorn?
Join us this week
from peaceful Bodmin,
the jewel in the Dorset Coast's crown.
(indistinct)
(clears throat)
Once Private Atkins' spirit had been transported
into this ellexatron machine,
he took over the primary functions of the ellexatron,
and he made sure no signal got out,
no phone, no radio, no telephone,
no Wi-Fi, no signal... (continues indistinctly)
- Tea? - Uh, yeah.
That'd be-- That'd be nice. Oh, you look smart.
Are you popping out somewhere?
Well, I like to maintain a degree
of sartorial elegance around the house.
I mean, what are we, if we can't have a bit of class?
I mean, there's no excuse for looking like a cunt.
Hmm. Well, do you mind if I keep you company?
No, I'd really appreciate that.
I only ever see Elton.
Well, I only ever see Gus.
I thought you got all your friends on your video, right?
All my friends are virtual.
Oh. All my friends are dead.
Gus: Must be close. We've been in Bodmin for a while now.
Yeah. We need to find the exact location the picture was taken.
Ooh, this building in the picture looks like a Happy Eater.
Have a little "snackeroonie" before we start?
Yeah, good luck.
That building has probably been abandoned
- for over 20 years. - How do you know?
Because Happy Eater went bust in 1997.
Hmm. What a shame. I used to love an eggy bender.
Oh, sorry, but, uh, eggy bender was Wimpy.
Was it? I thought they did the royal breakfast.
Nope. That was Little Chef.
- I spent two weeks as a line cook
at the Oxford Bypass services.
Of course, you did. All right.
- I think it is up here on the left. - (blinker clicking)
Helen, may I ask you a question?
Uh, yeah, of course.
I don't mean to be patronizing,
but you seem to be quite a fragile thing.
Are you ill?
Um, guess I am.
Got quite a few things wrong with me.
Um, my ankle, my wrist.
I get tired. I get anxious.
- What are you anxious about? - Everything.
Makes it hard to make friends.
Oh, yeah, I had a friend once.
We used to play chess every Saturday morning.
(chuckles)
Yeah, he was very interesting.
He lost both legs.
The retaking of Goose Green.
- Poor guy. - Yeah.
Funny thing was is his nickname was Stumpy
before it all happened.
Just didn't feel like I could call him that after.
What did you call him?
Knobby No-Legs.
I don't know what happened to him.
We must have had a falling out.
Can I ask you a question?
Of course.
What's wrong with your eye?
Ah, just gammy for the mo.
Why? Is it putting you off your biscuits?
No.
I know. Why don't we pop out and have a brunch?
Mmm. Yeah,
I can't really do rooms full of strangers eating.
- Sorry. - Well, um, why don't we order in?
- I mean, what do you fancy? - Hmm. Italian?
- Chinese. - I know just the place.
Ah! That Happy Eater smell!
Chips, animal fat, disinfectant.
- Lovely. - Oh, there it is.
GUS: There it is.
Okay, well, look, let's shoot an intro,
and then let's start chumming the area with cat food, okay?
I'll shoot it.
- I'm happy not to be on camera. - Okay.
-I'll direct. -What qualifications do you have?
I did a media studies course at Middlesex University.
You're probably over qualified. Where do you want me?
Well, how about right there? The light's good.
- Um, Elton. - Mm-hmm?
Can you leave some space on the right side of frame?
- We can overlay graphics in post. - Got it, Chief.
- Should we work out what I'm gonna say? - Action!
This place...
raised by cheeky, chubby, happy ponies...
is Bodmin Moor...
the jewel in Cornwall's
already jewel-laden crown.
Cornwall, Kernow
as she's known here in local Cornish tongue,
is a ancient county rich in mystical heritage.
Over this way, her two highest peaks--
Rough Tor and the slightly more impressive Brown Willy.
- (snickers) - Oh, come on.
- Not cool. - ELTON: Sorry.
But it's here in the parking lot of this deserted Happy Eater
that today I come to dine upon my truth.
- And cut. Lovely work. - (camera beeps)
- Yeah? - ELTON: Yeah.
All right, let's get ourselves a bit cut, yeah? Let's go.
- ASTRID: Seriously. Good job. - GUS: Thanks, man. Cheers.
Well, I must say, the sweet and sour prawn ball pizza
was quite an experience.
Can I get a closer look at your eye?
Really?
- Yeah. - Okay.
Okay.
Yeah, I think I first noticed it when I came back from that
"con-con-con-com" place.
Think there might be a little puncture wound
Oh, really?
Do you remember being poked in the eye
by a sharp object recently?
No, not that I recall.
Would you mind if I take a photo of it?
It's just that, if I could reproduce it,
it would make a great look for a rage zombie cosplay--
(sighs) I don't understand what you said,
but, you know, I trust you, so... yes.
Okay. Thank you.
And I'm gonna get a bit closer.
Got it. Bingo. Thank you so much.
Here, puss puss.
Pussy, pussy.
It's well spooky out, eh?
ASTRID: Keep your eyes peeled.
JoJo74 said she saw the beast today.
GUS: Uh, guys.
Wow! Look at this! (chuckles)
- ASTRID: That poo? - GUS: Yeah.
It's amazing. (chuckles)
- Turn over on this. - Yeah, okay.
- You wanna get closer? - Um, I'll zoom. I'll zoom.
Oh, fine.
And turning.
Something very big has come this way.
This spore,
almost certainly a large, feline number two.
- ELTON: The number of the beast? - GUS: What are you saying?
- Num-- Just a joke. - GUS: Something funny?
If you're not gonna take this seriously,
just go wait in the van.
Sorry. It was just a joke.
Here. Take this.
Baggie up. Pop it in your little knapsack.
- Oh, come on, mate. - Well, come on.
Oh, my God.
GUS: Big one, isn't it?
So thick.
(retches)
GUS: Let me touch it.
Oh.
Oh, my God.
It's so rich. It's like Play-Doh.
- Stop, that's disgusting. - It's 23 degree "C."
- It's incred-- - (growling in distance)
What the fuck?
(growling in distance)
(roars)
(Elton shouting)
ASTRID: Should we split up?
GUS: No! It'll hunt the most vulnerable.
I don't want anything to happen to-- Bloody hell.
ASTRID: How'd it get in front of us?
ELTON: Maybe there's two of them.
GUS: It's not the Beasts of Bodmin Moor, is it?
ELTON: So how can it be in two places?
(creature growling)
GUS: Shit! Run!
(all shouting)
ELTON: Let's just run to the van.
GUS: Fuck the van. Get inside.
(creature growling)
Come on!
Out of the way!
ELTON: What are you doing?
- Come on! Come on! - ASTRID: Got it.
- Yes! - Let's go!
- Where'd you learn to do that? - Brownies.
(creature snarling)
Put that in your bag.
- Fuck is this? - (chuckles)
ASTRID: How long has this place been deserted?
GUS: Not that long by the looks of it.
(creature snarls)
Oh, prawn cocktail. Let's bust you out of there.
Guys?
GUS: What did you do?
GUS: What is it with you and secret doors?
GUS: Hey, since when did you lead the way?
ELTON: Since I started getting chased by a lion.
(distant snarl)
- You okay? - Yeah.
Oh, wow.
Wow.
(creature growling)
(growling on speaker)
(beeps)
I knew it.
- What? - There's no beast.
So who's shit is this in my backpack?
ASTRID: Lookie there.
That's the cat from the photograph.
Someone's playing a joke on us.
Why go to all this trouble? What's the endgame?
JoJo74, I presume.
JOJO47: The Truth Seekers.
I was rather hoping
you'd be the ones to crack this case.
Most people just turn tail and run.
- Who are you? - I'm everyone that doesn't walk through this room
with their eyes and ears closed.
Nice library you have here.
"Le San's Spirit Index" and...
"Benson's Guide to Beyond."
Ah! Of course, a bit of Dr. Peter Toynbee as well.
That hack.
I find it quite compelling.
Gus, I've watched your videos. You're good,
but you're just scratching the surface.
There's a bigger world out there,
more that can be found in a Toynbee.
The Portland case was impressive, but did it occur to you
your efforts there may have been counterproductive?
Counterproductive? How?
I find it ironic that you work for the very forces
perpetuating our enslavement.
- Smyle. - Smyle!
That signal you so diligently distribute across the land
now at nearly 100% coverage.
Did you ever stop to think about its true purpose?
A means to manipulate our brainwaves.
Keep us pliable.
Even the basic package?
Well, how do you know I won't just expose you, you know?
Tell the world about your hoax?
You could, but you wouldn't.
There's a storm coming.
You have to open your eyes and see who the puppet masters are.
You've seen the spike in paranormal events.
It's happening all over.
Someone is making it happen.
Someone you may need to stand up to.
Why should we trust you?
Because I'm the same as you, a truth seeker.
She got a shank! She got a shank!
Please, stay in touch.
I'll give you my number.
(ringtone chimes)
I thought you'd be well off the grid.
It's a Nokia 7110. I may as well be.
Please don't blow my cover.
I may be hiding behind a lie,
but the truth is all I have.
- Okay. - You should go.
Yeah, okay.
Okay, good-bye.
Don't forget your bag, mate.
I was just gonna leave it here, to be honest.
It's just a shit bag now anyway.
- Bye. - Yes. Okay.
- Take care. Bye. - Bye!
(chuckles)
What the heck?
(device whirrs)
That's weird.
GUS (on speaker): Despite not seeing the beast,
we definitely encountered something up on the moors,
and experience none of us here at Truth Seekers
will ever forget.
But for now, though, this mystery remains
unsolved.
♪♪