Lights, camera, action.
It's Sam Zander time.
I know what you're thinkin': what's this?
You'll find out soon enough, but yeah,
I'm growing the beard out.
So I'm just here at my parent's house in Malibu.
The look.
Oh.
I'm rich.
Deal with it.
Lots of wine boxes 'cause my parents are drunks.
Drunks and fat.
Yeah, I shame my parents, whatever.
This is a message from Sam Zander.
Do you know where your children are?
They're on my website, where you should be.
Yeah, I've been thinkin', I've been thinkin',
I've been thinkin'.
What does it all mean?
I don't know.
Once upon a time there was a boy
who didn't know what he was gonna do
so he did something to change the world.
What are you doing?
Who are you?
Where are we going?
Listen, I want you guys to know I'm about to something
really courageous for you all.
I'm about to do something really bold.
Send me your comments below.
Peace up, bash down, ah.
I'm tellin' ya, Patronies Pizza's goin' under.
Now how would you know that and I don't?
Trust me.
Knee Cha!
Oh he's probably canned from being
God's loyal opposition.
So tell me your
- crackpot theory. - You can't see it?
It always get slow around this time of the year.
- You know that... - No, no, no.
It's more than that.
Shalom.
- You're not Jewish. - Why not?
It doesn't work that way.
My step grandmother was a German Jew is the 40s.
That should count double for me, all right?
- It's Saturday. - That's why we're walking.
So, you're working on the Sabbath?
I'm culturally Jewish, all right?
- Give me break, will ya? - Right, proceed.
Patronies Pizza is going under
because of one small detail.
Single ply.
We went from two ply to single ply.
Bankruptcy starts in the bathroom.
You know, I'm drawing the line here.
As a matter of fact, I liked you a lot better
when you was practicing Kwanzaa.
That was just a phase.
What do you think?
Listen, this aint no feel good story
about some pizza joint.
It's about the one lie we all believe in.
Me?
I'm the happiness without a reason guy.
My philosophy is you don't need reasons to be happy.
You only need reasons to be unhappy.
I know, I know, it sounds unreasonable.
You see, the whole human experience is just
a speck of dust in the blink of time.
And every single one of us is born incomplete.
We spend our whole lives searching for meaning
that fills a little hole in our hearts.
For the eight slices, it's the name tags we wear,
and whether we're doing a good job
portraying our favorite writers who, at some point,
filled that hole in us.
Temporarily.
I do wonder what Kerouac would think of all this.
Anyway.
All that really matters is one question:
what makes the perfect pizza?
As an actor,
your freedom happens between the lines.
What does your character want?
What stands in their way?
These are the two most important questions
going into the scene.
Self-self-self-self promotion
is 90% of acting in today's world against a famous...
All right, here we go.
Woo hoo hoo!
America, look at this!
Oh, the things I do for you.
Really?
Come on, Oscar.
It's just a shirt.
"Come on, Oscar."
- Yeah? - Yeah.
It makes people think.
Well I don't want my customers thinking about anything,
except for how good my pizza is.
Hey Wendy.
So, tell me everything.
How was the campus?
Is college a waste of money?
Only if you're getting a degree in something practical
- like philosophy. - I don't even know
if I'll get in.
Would you do it if it were free?
Anyone would.
Then that's your answer.
Yeah, but I'd get like a golden toilet if it was free.
What?
- Morning, G. - Morning, G.
Some locals.
'Sup dude?
Look at this place.
Yo.
We're not in Malibu anymore.
- A - callback is when
a casting director wants to see you again.
This is a good indication that you did something well.
Hey, Ann.
How'd the book tour go?
I didn't even make it out of Brunswick County.
Hey.
It still counts in my book.
How's Kelli doin'?
Screw Kelli.
Oh hey.
- Mornin'. - Hey guys.
- Morning. - Hi.
After this, check the toilet paper.
Hi, Ann.
How'd the book tour go?
All kinds of hostility today.
Hey man, how's Kelli doin'?
All right, let's get started.
Schopenhauer, nice of you to join us.
Care to explain yourself?
Uh, sure.
I'm somewhere in this body, condemned to this
completely indifferent universe that was created
by someone or from something that forgot
to put human happiness in its design.
Amen.
Time is an illusion.
We are the only creatures on this planet
that keep track of time.
Therefore, we are the only creatures that
have a fear of time running out.
Exactly!
Just look at Guillermo.
What?
If you believe in human happiness,
just look at an old person's face.
Ah, come on.
I mean it, they're like deeply wrinkled,
permanent displays of disappointment.
It's just etched in there.
I'm happy without a reason.
I don't need a reason to be happy!
Going to Patronies.
This is gonna be awesome.
Are you excited?
I'm excited.
All right, all right, time to get to work.
All right, all right.
Calm down, Jack.
Listen, I brought you in early today because I...
We are closed.
Read the sign.
It's 10 am.
I thought time was an illusion.
Schopenhauer.
Look at that.
Oh, shoot.
Hi, welcome to Patronies, we're closed.
I'm a new hire.
Do we have a new hire today?
For you, sir.
Uh, hi.
I'm uh, I'm John.
I'm the new hire.
Hi, John.
John, pull up a seat.
Join the circle.
I just thought I'd give you all fair warning.
You should probably start updating your resumes.
- What? - Oh no.
Two ply.
It's the toilet paper, man.
That's why we're going under.
Are you seeing this?
Two months ago, the majority partner
sold their shares back to me,
and uh, we just didn't have the summer season
I was hoping for.
This is just a precaution, Knee Cha.
Ann?
All right?
Service stays the same.
Menu's staying simple.
Now attached to your envelopes are the new
pizza membership program.
Albert will explain how it's going to work.
Guys, if we each sell 25 of these,
we'll have enough money to get
us through the winter season
and we won't have to worry about closing.
At any rate, I hope the recommendation letters
work for everyone.
John, I'll need to get to know who you are
before I can write you one.
Well should I even start, or?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
- It's money, ya nuts? - Yes.
Yeah man, stay positive, man.
It's up to you.
I hope you guys know if there's anything
I could have done differently, I would've.
Oh, 30 minutes before the doors open.
Let's keep our heads up
and uh, if you guys need anything,
don't hesitate to ask.
You and me, we're gonna make it through this.
We're gonna make it through this day,
we're gonna do it together,
'cause you are everything I need.
You are my love.
You are going to pour out your love to me
in a perfect balance of sugar and carbonation.
You got it?
And this is Schopenhauer and Wendy.
Hi.
'Sup guys?
We're actually women.
You'll get used to that.
Do I know you?
Familiar face.
Gotta keep goin' on the tour.
I feel like I know him.
Yeah?
This is Ann, she's actually a writer.
And this is our cook.
- Hey, what's up man? - He doesn't speak.
And that is G.
Okay.
Oh, let me take you back here on the...
What?
What makes the perfect pizza?
Hey, I'm supposed to shadow you?
First stop, best stop.
You ever work in the service industry before?
Uh no.
Get ready for the big leagues.
Welcome to Patronies where pizza is our philosophy
and our philosophy is pizza.
What's that, the specials you asked for?
I'm so glad you did because today's special's
the sausage and pepperoni pie with gluten on the side.
And if you're interested, which I know you are,
we have a very special genetically modified option as well.
So what can I get you fellas started off to drink today?
I'll do a water.
- All right. - Same.
Got it.
Boring, let me guess, water?
We'll be right back with the H20s, okay?
Be careful with your comedy choices.
Around here, customer is king.
We serve them, okay?
Hey, Schop, what can I get ya?
- Two lagers. - Done and done.
Uh, any auditions this week?
Not this week.
All right, well, every director I meet
eventually asks me how comfortable I am getting naked, so.
Did that guy's name tag say Jack Berouac?
That's what they do here.
All these trailer park kids pretend to be famous writers.
You see that sweet thing right there?
She cleans my beach house in the off season.
How many copies did you sell?
Sorry.
I'm still struggling with the reality of it.
Well, plenty of people try to write books but...
And whenever I think of reality,
I think of reality stars,
and the newly paved route to becoming
President of the United States.
Well, look at this way.
You've got a new market for adult coloring books.
Patronies.
Uh yes, hello.
How big is your 14 inch?
I'm sorry?
How big is your 14 inch?
- How big is our 14 inch? - Yeah.
- 14 inches. - Oh, okay.
- Sounds good. - Yeah.
- Okay, thank you. - All right, bye.
You don't have an address.
Oh, yeah, I'm just in between housing right now.
Well, I am sure that this is just a pit stop
on the way to wherever it is you're going.
But just approach each day, perform every task
with the devotion of building a better resume,
you should be fine.
I'll get a PO box next week.
You uh, you need a place to stay?
Oh, no, no, I'm good.
Shower's an issue?
No.
People like to come here to smell garlic and sauce.
I'll be showered.
Well have a washing machine and the clothes line
in the back if you need.
You ever, uh, you ever been arrested?
Uh no.
You ever almost been arrested?
You can do a background check if you'd like.
Do I need to?
Aye, boss man?
Joe's here.
Hey, Albert, come here.
You finish this up and bring him to the pit.
And get him a book and a name tag for me.
- Welcome aboard, bud. - Thanks.
Hey, I'm Albert.
What's your name?
My name's John.
Well that's not gonna matter,
we're gonna change it anyway.
Oh.
Yeah, so, make sure you fill out
all that paperwork and try to get it back to me
- no later than tomorrow. - Okay.
So we can get it on file and stuff like that.
I'm sorry, I gotta ask.
What's up with the stone aged typewriter?
He's very nostalgic like that.
We just recently got him a flip phone, too, so.
A flip phone?
Yeah, like the StarTAC.
Yeah, the girls are kind of working on him.
- Wow, okay. - Yeah, yeah.
Well the good thing about it, all his checks cash, so.
- Good, good. - He can have three
of these as far as I'm concerned.
All right, come on, let's go meet Knee Cha.
Are you gonna make my pizza?
Joe, we have been through this, okay?
You're the only one who knows how to do it right.
Crispy, not a lot of cheese.
Everybody makes the pizza the exact same...
Bull crap!
These rednecks don't know how to do it right.
Okay.
I don't know why it's such a big deal every time.
I'll make his pizza.
All I want is the crispy pizza.
Hey, what's boss man's name?
It's Oscar Smith.
He makes us wear these name tags,
and don't wear one himself.
- Awesome. - So, you get 10 cent a month
every time that you're on time,
and you get a dollar raise for every one
of these that you finish.
A dollar for reading a book?
Yeah, which is probably one of the reasons
why we're going under, but...
Oh yeah, speaking of that.
We have a no phone policy.
- Right, no phone. - Yeah.
Make sure you choose one of these
by the end of the day.
Does it have to be one of these?
Yep.
Right's for soaking, center's for scrubbing,
left is for sanitizing.
Don't mix 'em up.
Good luck.
And 20% off after that.
I like pepperoni.
And thank you for becoming a member.
So you get the free soda and the water
every single time you come in.
You can't beat it, am I right?
If you think about the dishes as a holon,
they become just as important as the sauce.
If all the dishes were dirty,
then the pizzas would be affected.
What did you do to get stuck back here?
- Why am I in the pit? - Yeah.
Some days I volunteer, to stay away from the bar.
You're in the program?
Anonymity, man.
I was in it, too.
Off the counter boys.
John, come with me.
It's very easy.
Right is for soaking, left is for sanitizing.
All right, move it Gandhi.
So, first slice down.
What'd you think?
It's a job.
Ah, you picked the controversial one.
Got a perfect name tag for that.
So I get a dollar raise just for reading this book?
Yep.
Yep, you just tell me what you think
about it afterwards.
Kind of the reason I do it.
You got a pen?
Uh yeah.
You know, I always wanted to be a college professor.
Culinary arts.
And uh, this is the closest thing I have
to a survey course.
You read much?
Not really.
Well, Knee Cha will make you one of these tomorrow.
I tell ya man, humanity is in need of a major change.
A good book is the best way to view the world
through a different lens.
All right, circle up, circle up, circle up.
Wendy, you did it!
You completed the required voluntary reading list.
One full year at Patronies!
- Yes! - What did you learn?
All these writers are great
because of what they created, not who they were.
Most of them were actually pretty disturbed people.
Hypochondriacs, self absorbed, alcoholics.
Some even suicidal.
I gave Wendy a challenge this month.
Oh yes, what's the challenge?
To get the heck out of here.
This kid has never been outside of North Carolina.
- No way. - Challenge accepted.
Time frame?
Four weeks.
No, bull.
She can go to South Carolina in like 30 minutes.
Nah, she's right, South Carolina's too close.
Okay, okay.
Fine, I'll do it.
- Yes. - Yes.
No, you are not done yet.
What are you reading next?
Viktor E. Frankl.
Oh, I've already read him.
- You know that. - That's enough.
Okay, okay, okay.
Will you ready anybody off the board again?
- Nope. - Oh, then what philosopher?
Well I guess it'll probably have to be Nicolas Sparks.
Okay, okay, who was your favorite?
Who was your favorite?
Albert Camus.
Because he was a good guy.
I like reading philosophy that was written by someone
who was an actually happy person.
That's sweet.
All right, the results are in, folks.
We sold 43 brand new pizza memberships!
Only 207 more to go.
Oh.
Challenge accepted.
And just like the pizza dough
that G made yesterday morning, bruh!
Let's eat this, come on!
Come on G.
Who are you?
What?
What's up ladies and germs?
I hope you're holding onto your butts,
'cause it's day two of John Galt.
Guess what I'm doing?
Just laundry on a clothesline.
Just, you know, normal laundry day.
This is nuts.
'Sup John?
Hey.
You need an extra work shirt?
I don't wear mine.
No, I'm good.
Are you filming me?
No.
Make the name tags in the back.
What'd you get?
Uh, John Galt, but you can just call me John.
I like my real name.
Yeah?
Holden all the way.
Who's Holden Caulfield?
Are you serious?
That's it.
You get John Galt now.
Catcher in the Rye?
Never read it.
Don't tell anybody else that.
Schopenhauer.
Dishes.
I swear I've seen him before.
Hm, weird dude.
What is he even doing?
What is up my search and destroyers?
Welcome to where dreams go to die.
That's where they go.
I want you to stay tuned.
I think she just saw me.
Let me tell you.
You know, I know you kids are young out there,
so I'm gonna try to behave myself today.
Anyway, I can't say too much now, but stay posted.
Peace up, bash down.
Cool selfie, bro.
Why do you do that?
I'm right here.
I like you man, you know that?
Yeah, yeah.
You guys got two ply in your bathroom?
What?
Is the toilet paper gettin' thinner?
Don't you think North Carolina's
had enough bathroom trouble?
I need a nap now more than ever.
Tired?
Well yeah.
Someone kept interfering with my Hebrew studies last night.
And who would do such a horrible thing?
Aren't you supposed to be washin' dishes?
Nah, Knee Cha took ever.
And Bat Mitzvahs are for 13 year olds.
I love you.
Fine.
Fine, I will send it tomorrow.
There you go.
Put your finger here, and squeeze.
Thank you.
Guess we should have seen it coming.
Seen what coming?
Jack told me about the toilet paper.
What does that have to do with anything?
Where's the bottle opener?
- Behind the moose head. - Behind the moose head.
You updated your resume yet?
I never had one.
You?
Hey John, that's it, we're closed, man.
Yes, sir.
I got a job lined up cleaning houses again.
What about your writing?
All my passions projects are gonna make me broke.
What do you think the human life's worth?
Aint it the worth of something,
whatever someone else is willing to pay for it?
So we're all just slaves for the people
with time and money?
Well, tonight, you are worth 125.
Uh, got these too.
Oh, hey, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Bye. - Bye.
My turn!
Hello, ladies and gentlemen and welcome
to my new character study, John Galt.
Since attaining 900,000 followers,
and almost 300 million total views on my channel,
I thought it was imperative that I go undercover.
Check it out.
I'm even sleepin' in my car.
Method actor, sort of.
Okay, okay.
I gotta get started and tell you guys about
this place, little restaurant, that somehow, somehow,
made it on Reddit's top 10 best places to work.
Okay, so, I've been doing a little research on this boss
who's basically failed at everything he's tried to do.
He flunked out of a bachelor's degree in culinary arts.
Culinary arts.
How do you even do that?
Oh my, you know what I always say:
Those who can, do.
Those who can't, teach.
And bro, boss man can't even do that.
Come on, man, I gotta give it to him.
He's had this restaurant for 18 years,
and here's the sad part, this is his fourth failed business.
That's right, folks, the place is going under.
What kind of top 10 place is that?
Go talk to daddy,
hey daddy, can I get some more money to open another one?
Baby boomers, ugh.
And it's not just the restaurant, it's like this whole town
has a disease.
Everybody here is just a redneck, pathetic loser,
and that is the capital T, truth folks.
What, are people gonna get mad at me for class shamin' now?
Guess what, let me put it to you like this:
it doesn't matter how many books you read,
you're still gonna be poor, and you're still
gonna have that terrible accent.
And you'll never, ever, leave this dump of a place.
Oh, oh, oh, and there's even a feminist who works there.
A feminist.
Let me mansplain something to you real quick.
The word feminism?
It came from a man!
Charles Fourier, he was a Utopian Socialist.
Oh, and we all know how utopias end.
For all you peeps who responded to my last video,
the excuses that fat people make,
I wanted to thank you for your encouraging comments
and your death threats,
all of which allow me the platform
you get to see me on here today.
You know, what I think that some of you don't get
is that I offer you a service.
I think I deserve a little bit of recognition.
I'm not being mean.
I'm just a journalist who happens to be funny.
I'm a truth teller and I'm doing it for you guys, for you.
This is my first subject in my debunking top 10 series.
If you like this video, please go like and subscribe.
Also, for my die hard search and destroyer fans out there,
if you find me, I will feature you in my video.
Give you a little taste of what it's like to be me.
Am I bragging?
Eh.
I also left a little clue in the comment box
where you can come find the bridge
and find where I'm at.
Trust me, there's nothing else here.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go attend some
really cool redneck bonfire.
All right kids, until next time.
Peace up, bash down.
All right, all right, good.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
That was good, that was good, that was good.
Yeah, just uh, I'll just edit that tomorrow.
No, pizza was invented in Brooklyn.
I know that for a fact.
Pizza was invented in Naples,
for King Umberto and Queen Margherita.
Bunny, bunny.
- Hey. - How you doin'?
Hey, what's goin' on?
Mazel tov.
So, somebody comes in the restaurant the other day
and they want me to cut a pie in odd numbers.
- What? - Yeah.
They wanted it in seven slices instead of eight.
Has anybody had that happen yet?
No, but someone asked me if I had
diet water the other day.
- Oh my god. - Yeah.
Everybody here is just a redneck, pathetic loser,
and that is a capital T, truth.
What are people gonna get mad at me for class shamin' now?
You're still gonna be poor, and you'll never, ever leave.
A feminist!
Let me mansplain something to you real...
Hey!
Hey.
You look nice.
You saw me like an hour ago.
Thank you.
- Bonfire. - Yes.
- On the beach. - Yes.
I think I'm gonna finish that bartending course,
you know, for real this time?
Mhm.
I'll probably go back to the cruise ship, you know?
Micromanaging rich people's happiness and what not.
Sometimes I think, when I'm looking down my driveway,
about what it would actually be like
to leave for the last time,
but it's always the same thing holding me back.
Like who would take care of mama?
Or Knee Cha?
- Hey. - What's up guys?
Where y'all been at?
Ooh.
It's so warm.
So what do you think about it so far, John?
- Patronies? - Yeah.
It's cool.
It's uh, it's exactly like Ann wrote about in the article.
- Wait, wait... - What?
What article?
What are you talking about?
Well it took me a minute, but,
when I realized she was a writer,
I put two and two together.
Wait, our Ann?
I wrote a small article on Patronies
and it got passed around.
I wrote it under that pseudonym.
We all have our pseudonyms.
- Ann, that's amazing. - It was a small article.
- Still. - Where'd you read it?
Reddit's Top 10 Most Unique Places to Work
in the Service Industry.
- Wait, what number are we? - Eight.
- Oh. - Wow.
- That's good. - That is amazing.
You're a published writer.
I don't think Reddit counts.
Hey Ann, why didn't you tell us about the article?
I guess I also forgot to tell you
I had a grilled cheese today,
I'm allergic to strawberries, and sometimes I wake up
with a small neck pain on the left side.
No, but you told everyone about the book tour.
Now why wouldn't you tell us about the article?
Ann, I thought we were friends.
How could we still be going under
if we're so popular?
Top 10 places to work, not eat.
I know how.
- Don't. - Are you...
- Don't do it. - I know, because our
toilet paper's single ply!
- No. - Jack, sit your behind down.
All right, all right, all right, ya pain bodies.
If we can't save the restaurant,
then I don't know, can we do something for Oscar?
He's done so much for all of us.
Patronies is a reflection of our own mortality, kid.
It's over.
They know.
Who's he talking to?
Oh don't worry, baby.
He's just a little different.
Wait, what are you doin'?
I am looking for the optimist
that I normally go to bed with.
Oh, yeah.
I just, I wanna do more than
sell pizza memberships, you know?
Yeah, I don't know, I just don't get it.
You guys wanna spend your free time
trying to save someone else's restaurant?
It's all of ours.
Yeah, but, you work for him, all of you.
Hey John?
What do you do with all those photos you've been taking?
Publish the truth.
People have this idea.
They think they know what life is really like, but,
it's usually quite different.
So I show 'em the truth.
I've wanted to be a journalist since
I was like 10 years old and nobody ever hired me
so I just kind of do what I can on my own.
- Yeah. - That's pretty cool, John.
- Yeah, it is. - Thanks.
So you're gonna be writing about us, and the restaurant?
Yeah, maybe.
Maybe you and Ann could team up
- and write something... - I write alone.
Yeah, and I do mostly video.
Wait, wait, wait, dude, dude, dude,
I'll take you to the perfect place
for some photojournalism magic.
You free tomorrow before work?
Yeah, yeah that'd be great.
Could we see some of your photos now?
Uh, I haven't quite got my story yet.
Well I think that's cool.
It'd be like an archive of my life
for the past 10 years.
Hey, mine too.
You've only been here for three years.
No, but still, I think it'd be really nice
to have like a little album, you know?
And you'd be like 10 years old.
- Let's go, nope, no more. - That's it, come on.
You guys leaving already?
Hey, make sure y'all put out the fire.
- Woo hoo! - Yeah!
Just don't do anything I would do.
- Cimone, you comin'? - No, you go ahead.
Do you wanna go for a walk or something?
- Yeah, let's go it. - Okay.
What's up with that rabbit?
Eh, don't ask.
So Oscar's all about just be a good person, you know?
Good things happen to good people.
If I'm really being honest with myself,
I want more, you know?
There's all these things I wanna do and
I get a glimpse of an opportunity
and I don't even take it.
The jack of all trades and the master of none.
You're too hard on yourself.
You're not?
No, I gave up on myself a long time ago.
Really?
Exhibit A:
when I rolled into this lovely little town of yours,
the only music on the radio were
these country songs with lyrics like,
"Baby, since you left me,
"I can't go on living without you."
- I love that song. - Oh, it's a terrible song.
And then I thought to myself,
if you replace the woman in the song
that he's complaining about with some
sort of higher concept, it gives the song a deeper meaning.
You're way more trapped in your head than I thought.
No, I'm just saying.
The reason the song is so crappy
is because it takes itself so seriously.
If you wanna
live a life with more meaning,
then you have to create something
by making something out of nothing.
I like that you're a journalist.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
I think it's cool.
You know, when I first started at Patronies,
Oscar pulled me aside and he said,
- "What are your dreams?" - Oh god, that guy.
That was the first time anyone's ever asked me that.
He views the restaurant as a pit stop
and it's become a home to me,
and I know I've been there for way too long.
But he's done a lot for us.
And it'd be cool if you could capture that
in your video essay or whatever.
Why are you here?
I don't know.
If I could go back and tell my parents
to use protection, I probably would.
I mean, why are you here in Holden Beach, North Carolina?
Why are you laying on the hood
of a guy's car you barely know?
You're right.
I don't know you.
So who are you, John Galt?
Who is John Galt?
Where I come from, we call that being a tease.
See you tomorrow.
Just choose something, anything.
Sorry?
Good things don't happen to good people.
They happen because someone sacrificed
everything they had to get what they want.
Just choose one thing.
No, thanks.
There's nothing in the world that would
make me sacrifice my relationships with people,
if that's what you mean.
Look, I like you, John.
You came into that restaurant confident.
There's a thin line between confidence and arrogance.
I'm not arrogant.
Ah, come on.
Sounds like you need a jump, huh?
Yeah, I guess I do.
Pop your hood.
Oh.
I guess if I had to choose something,
this is always an option for me.
Just sittin' on the beach here in Holden Beach.
With...
Cimone.
You do realize we watched the sun go down
- and now it's come up? - I do, I do.
I think I'm...
We have to be at work in an hour.
I mean, I don't think I have to work today.
Stop taking pictures.
I probably should go to work.
Let's do one more, hurry.
Have you been collecting seashells
- from Holden Beach? - Yeah.
Let's go.
No.
What are you doing?
It's for my Instagram handle.
You can follow me.
It's called AnotherOneBitesTheDust.
You redneck, pathetic loser.
Ollie, come on, let's go.
I gotta go.
This is gonna be epic, man.
- I stand right here, right? - Yes, yes, yes, all right.
And the red button is recording, yeah?
Red button, I told you.
- Yeah, you're fine. - Oh, okay.
I'm ready, are you ready?
- I'm ready. - All right.
And three, two, one.
Take a look at this place.
Have you ever seen something that is just...
- So cool. - Jack, you gotta be
- quiet while I'm filming. - Oh, oh yeah, yeah.
Sorry, sorry.
- And action... - Take a look at...
Are you ready?
- Yeah. - Okay.
Welcome to a junk yard museum, filled with tiny houses
and a whole lotta crap.
This place is like classic southern hoarding 101.
They even built a sidewalk down the middle.
I feel like Moses parting the sea of bad habits.
Jack, what are you doin'?
Up.
Come on.
Search and destroyers, welcome to your second clue.
And cut, that was awesome.
Wasn't that sort of mean?
What?
I mean, Mary's a very nice lady.
Ah, I mean, but let's face it.
This place is a dump.
Well here's a fact.
Mary's a very well known artist in the south.
People come from all over the country to see her work.
Yeah, but, look dude.
My followers are more interested
in the comedy and the jokes I have.
I found like a nice balance between journalism and comedy.
Look, I'll show you one day.
Come on, let's go get some B roll.
Now I want everything nice and straight.
Keep it side to side, good quality.
You're doin' great man, you're doing great.
Oh, now look at this.
Jack, you gotta see this.
Hey, hey, what do you think about my me roll?
B, B roll.
- Oh, yeah. - It's pretty good actually.
Oh, well what are you doin' right now?
I am transferring your footage
over to my phone.
How you know what, maybe tomorrow
I can show you how to edit some of this stuff?
Yeah, are you gonna add the stuff about
Mary being a renowned artist?
Sure.
You ought to interview her sometime.
She's fantastic.
Hey, I was thinkin', what if you did a commercial
for Patornies, huh?
Not really much of a point
if it's going under, right?
Right, yeah.
Um, what is the, what is, what is that?
Ah, lens clip.
It's kind of like my trademark.
Kind of like your yarmulke.
Yeah, or my fanny pack.
Yeah, that fanny pack's weird, bro.
Bingo!
Hey come on, we're gonna be late!
I can't believe you walk to work.
Guys, come here.
Hey everybody, can you gather 'round, please?
Thanks, uh...
One of the hardest things I've ever done, but uh,
after 18 years, Patronies Pizza will be closing its doors.
Everything will go on as normal for
the next week to 10 days.
Get your paychecks, hours,
memberships, thank you so much for the memberships,
all your hard work.
Don't discount anything that any one of you
has ever done for this place.
You made Patronies Pizza.
Thank you for that.
Man, what a run it's been.
Albert, can you uh, collet the leftover memberships?
Let's have a great last week, guys.
Keep your heads up.
So do you uh, got any idea what you'll do now?
Uh...
I've always wanted to be a journalist.
A journalist?
Yeah.
John, that's great.
That is terrific.
I'll be right on that letter of recommendation right away.
Thanks.
Yeah.
In the meantime, uh...
Here's a little somethin' to get your own place.
- Oscar, I can't take this... - John.
You're a good guy.
I'm just sorry we didn't have more time together.
I can't accept this.
No.
A guy like you should be sleeping in his own bed.
Now get back to work.
Yeah.
What's wrong with you?
Day three and I'm taking out
the trash like a regular peasant.
"The meaning of life may be all the things.
"What if it's truth that means..."
Hey, Knee Cha.
"What's if it's true that the meaning..."
What makes the perfect pizza?
Is it the sauce?
The dough?
The presentation?
Every ingredient is simultaneously a whole.
You're part of something great.
Because...
Your happiness doesn't
fix everything, Jack.
How's it goin'?
Not good.
All right, come on, Ann.
I got a lot of paperwork, what's up?
How much do we need?
I don't know.
Oscar doesn't talk to me about that.
So basically it's a fundraising site
and I think we can get people to donate.
Here, take a look.
What, no yarmulke today?
Not feeling Jewish anymore?
Oh yeah, your rabbit ate it, all right?
My rabbit is more of a...
She must be lonely.
Schop's right, I gotta be serious.
Those six dollars are mine.
Hey, wait, wait, ooh.
You don't have your pad, slugger.
Mrs. Fiona Graham, I'll have you know I plan on
being ever free today and earn
all six of those dollars.
We'll see.
I'll do the gluten free pepperoni calzone.
Uh, we only have gluten free dough for the large pies.
Fine.
How is that, ah, that's more like an error
on your part, don't you think, hm?
You're right.
Sorry.
Customer is king.
Or queen.
I'll do the gluten free pepperoni
and mushroom pizza then.
And a water.
My pleasure.
So together, we have 3,000 friends.
If 10 percent of them donate a few bucks,
or at least respond to the message...
I don't know, Ann, that seems like a pyramid scheme.
No, no, no.
It's multi-level marketing.
Let's just see what happens.
More like some multi-level waste of my time.
You're a hater.
Knee Cha's in here breaking dishes
and you talkin' about pyramids, the Sphinx and the Nile?
G, where's my order?
What'd you have?
Gluten free pepperoni mushroom.
Oh, I'm supposed to tell you we're out
of gluten free dough.
So, we're out of gluten free dough.
- Great. - It's not congealing.
Oh, don't tell me that.
Uh, Mrs. Graham, I'm really sorry but we're
out of gluten-free dough.
It's not congealing, and I brought a water here for you
and to see maybe if you wanna order something else.
I'm really sorry, but...
No, actually, let me tell you something.
You shouldn't say I'll do your gluten free calzone,
or I'll do a diet soda, or I'll do your house salad.
Just say you want the house salad.
Or better yet, you'll have the house salad, please.
And don't bring your cell phone to a restaurant.
You came here to eat, and it's rude.
You got that?
That's a great idea.
But I came here to be served.
No.
You come to a restaurant to spend time with people.
I'll do your IPA at the locals discount.
Okay, so that's two lagers and one IPA.
John.
John!
Sam Zander!
Hey!
Peace up, bash down.
Search and destroy!
- Oliver, come back! - Sam Zander!
Come back here.
Come on, a bunch of redneck, pathetic losers work here.
What is wrong with you?
Get off of me, now!
John?
Are you okay?
I gotta go.
What's going on?
Will you please just stop?
Where are you going?
John.
John, what happened in there?
Why are you so upset?
Please talk to me.
Please.
Why did that kid upset you?
Will you please just talk to me?
John.
Please.
What was that kid saying?
I'm just building content for my channel,
you wouldn't understand.
Channel?
I don't understand.
What does that even mean, I don't...
John?
What's going on here?
Sam Zander.
He's the troll who fat shames people on the internet.
What?
I knew it.
Cimone, he's been lying to us this whole time.
All right.
He's a monster in a costume.
Monster?
I am achieving my dreams when all you
ever do is talk about yours.
You stay here waiting for something
that will never happen for you.
I have a million followers, and I earned every one of 'em.
How many do you have?
Oh, and if you guys wanna stop being on
the wrong end of people's jokes,
then maybe stop being such an American freakin' tragedy.
Let go of me now!
Get off me!
You're supposed to feature me on your channel.
Peace up, bash down!
Get off!
Stop it!
This is our renaissance.
The world is changing, and you all have
front row seats to sit and watch it happen on your screens.
If you wanna make it, you have to create.
Otherwise, sit back and enjoy the show.
'Cause all you'll ever be is someone else's audience.
Very good.
You're a real hero behind the keyboard.
Yeah.
And you'll make a great house wife one day, Wendy.
John.
Knee Cha, no.
I'm gonna kill you!
Knee Cha, stop!
- Come on, come on, stop. - Get off of me!
Stop it, it's not worth it.
Get inside, get inside.
Cimone.
Cimone, sweetie.
Come on.
Maybe he's right.
Okay, how much have we raised
on that fundraiser site?
I don't know, 50 bucks?
- That's good. - It's from Albert.
How is this not against the law?
I don't know.
There's nothing we can do.
His audience is split down the middle.
There's people who love him, people who hate him.
Both sides make him money by watching.
You can't win.
You gotta kill him.
He's popular because he hates everything.
He doesn't even know who Holden Caulfield is.
I know!
I'm like him.
- No. - No, Ann.
We both wanna be our own boss.
He's just found a way to get an audience.
Well, you can read the eulogy at his funeral.
Wait, Ann, what are you thinking?
Oscar tells us that we're here
to build a great resume,
but we're actually building a great eulogy.
Sam Zander!
Search and destroy!
Dude, yes!
Yes, dude, yes!
Man, I need to stop smokin'.
Dude, why are you walking alone?
Oh dude, he's thinking about his
- next top 10 debunked videos. - Yes, yes!
Yeah.
Actually, my car broke down.
Oh, dude, we had to take four hour shifts
just to get here man, oh my god.
Hey, who's we white man?
Dude.
It doesn't work like that.
Hey, do you guys happen to have
a couch I could crash on tonight?
Dude, so what time does Patronies close?
- Yes! - We totally went by there
and the lights were all off.
But that's probably the reason
why they're closing, right?
Yeah!
Oh, and there's a bunch of cars
still in the parking lot, it's weird.
So how does this work?
Yeah, can you set us up like that Asian guy?
Yeah, he has his own channel now?
Dude...
We could be the two dudes!
The two dudes!
Dude, oh, oh, and don't worry about
the Feminist2oh25 comments.
We totally handled that keyboard warrior.
Yeah, she should do the world a favor
and just kill herself.
Whoa, dude.
Look man, what we're trying to say is that
you're an inspiration, man.
You're the only truth teller on the internet.
Only one.
Thanks guys, but look, I don't have my equipment.
- So you guys have a good night. - Oh dude, but that's okay
'cause I brought mine.
We could use mine.
We've been recording you since we
got out of the car.
You know, for people to see how you are off camera.
You know what I mean?
I can't wait to see the comments when I post this.
Dude, my dad said never to meet your heroes,
but like, in person you're totally dope.
Yeah, we didn't even know when we
were gonna catch you by yourself.
I always thought that you'd be all
around all the females, you know?
But I guess you are still undercover, so,
yeah, that makes sense.
So yeah man.
Uh, Sammy, when my friend, is the next party?
Yeah, is there another bonfire tonight?
- Bonfire! - Bonfire!
- Tonight! - Bonfire!
Turn that off man, come on.
Ah, come on man.
Yeah, bonfire!
Man, turn it off!
What?
Just met the president of Peace Up, Bash Down channel,
Mr. Sam Zander, and you know what?
He's not even as cool as you think.
He's more of a lone soul, so needless to say,
we're no longer fans.
Sam Zander.
More like Sam Phony.
Turn it off, dude!
Don't touch his phone, bruh.
You're about to become World Star famous, bro.
Yeah, dude.
We got Sam Zander, president of Peace Up,
about to get bashed down channel!
- Oh! - Yeah!
World Star!
Hey, you comin'?
He's gotta come back for his car sometime.
Hey.
You okay?
Come.
Come on.
My life thinks you look like Brad Pitt.
Thank you.
Come.
Here you go.
It's just a phase.
When you're in it, you think it might
be that way forever.
The 60s were about free love.
The 70s, with the hippies.
The 80s with the cocaine and jogging.
Today, the art of listening is gone
because of all these technologies.
But it's just a phase, Johnny.
It's um,
Sam.
My name's Sam.
That's a good name.
My grandson's Sam.
You know, sometimes when bad things happen to me,
I say to myself, "Guillermo."
Thanks.
It's just a phase.
Got it!
I believe you owe me some money.
I uh, I wrote that for you last night.
A letter of recommendation.
Yeah, you can keep that.
Just be a good guy.
"Just be a good..."
Why do people say that?
This is how I make a living.
You feel alive?
Do I feel alive?
Oh, god.
Other than yesterday, and apparently last night,
have you ever once had a conversation?
Went to dinner with one of your followers, hm?
The whole internet is my conversation
and my dating life is just fine,
but thanks for asking.
You know, I watched the first video you ever published.
How you were battling depression.
Mad at the world 'cause you couldn't
find a job as a journalist.
Yeah.
You know, it almost felt like I was
watching a real human being with feelings there.
I wonder how much of that guy is left.
What's left is I'm a successful journalist now,
making my own way in the world.
Like you, or like you before you put your business under.
And like me, you need an audience.
You cater to them the same way I do.
Different methods shooting for the same results.
You're like me.
I'm just better at it.
You know, when you get to be my age,
and I do hope you get there,
you'll start to realize that everybody used to be something.
You just make sure that this is the something that you want.
'Cause it'd be a real, real tragedy
if you did this because you thought you had to
in order to make something people want.
I wish you more than luck, Sam.
Yeah.
Luck...
Is for losers.
It's just a phase.
Well they say giants fall hard, but I did not expect this.
Boss man gave me a letter of recommendation.
Hm.
What do you guys think?
Should we read this tonight?
I can't imagine what this says, it's...
Rough night?
Some cars are poorly made.
Leaving your lights on, that's sort of a user error.
Yeah, I'm starting to learn that.
It still runs though.
Tell me, Sam.
What happens when you sacrifice everything you have
for a dream that doesn't work out?
What are you left with?
Well, this video's only projected
to have a couple million views
and the one before had nine.
So it seems like my business is in a bit of a decline.
I don't know.
Maybe I need to choose some better subjects.
Something a little more interesting.
Nice one.
Look, ladies and gentlemen, there she is.
Cimone, Patronies own Academy award winning actress.
I could've had her.
So lonely.
Never find happiness.
Whoa!
You guys wanna watch a video of him gettin' knocked out?
I do.
Let's go.
This is gonna be our last Tuesday together.
- Hello. - Oh, hey.
What are you doin'?
Ah, I think I wanna make movies.
Really?
Oh, don't worry, you're already casted.
Oh, thank you, but what are you doing right now?
Ah, it's hard to say because it's
always right now, you know?
What are you doing on your phone, nimrod?
Scrolling through John's videos.
I've been watching his camera angles...
Come on, seriously?
- Don't watch his stuff. - Well he didn't log
out of his account on my phone,
so I've been studying how and when
he releases his videos.
He's got a real strategy behind this.
He just keep goin'...
Hey Cimone, come here, you've got to see this.
Ann, this is how we do it.
Got my to go orders?
Hey man.
I always wondered if you had a name tag.
I don't wear it.
Bureaucratic reasons.
So we have full access to John's account?
Yep.
I say we just delete everything.
He probably has back ups.
Well, whatever, it'd take him like hours
to find all of that, so we delete it all.
So his videos would go back to zero views?
Mhm.
And he'd have to start over.
Cimone, welcome to the dark side.
It's about time.
Do it.
I got accepted!
- Wendy, that's awesome! - Yeah!
I'm going in the Spring.
I've been doing so much research
into like their culture.
Oh my god, I gotta sit down.
Yeah, yeah, wait, wait, wait.
UNCW has a culture?
No, get this, get this.
I'm going to the University of Primorska.
- Primorska? - Yeah, it's a thing.
And it's got free tuition, even for non citizens.
Wait, where's Primorska at?
Slovenia.
Oh.
I know, I know.
I guess I gotta get a passport now, right?
Yeah, I guess you do.
So wait, wait, wait, what are you gonna be studying?
Happiness.
No, don't play language games.
- Tell me, for real. - No, no, no.
It's called positive psychology.
You gettin' a PhD in happiness?
Well it's undergrad, but yeah.
Oh my god, Wendy, I am so freakin' proud of you.
Thank you, thank you.
I, I didn't do it for you.
Oh man, I don't care why you did it.
You are going to be gettin' out of here.
- Thank you, thank you. - Yeah.
I gotta go, I gotta go tell Knee Cha.
- Yeah, yeah, tell him. - Okay, okay.
Knee Cha, come here!
Come with me.
What's wrong, Ann?
What?
Are you smilin'?
It's like you are smiling.
What is that about?
Come on.
Oscar's more of a father figure than anyone
my mom brings home.
I come in early every morning just
to hang out with him for a bit.
- Is this for Oscar? - It's for us.
It was a good job.
I don't know what else to say.
And cut.
Good work, brother.
Okay, Albert, you're up.
All right, cool.
All right, come on over here.
All right, so what we got going on?
All right, you're gonna stand,
you're gonna stand right here, right here.
Okay.
Right in front of that thing, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Turn around, turn around for me, very good.
You handle me too much, Jack.
Okay.
All right now, ready?
In three, two, one.
Action.
I applied to work here because I had a kid
and I missed the first two years of her life
and I was determined that I wasn't gonna miss any more.
So Oscar gave me an opportunity to do that
and I'm always gonna be grateful,
even though I punched you when you tried to hug me.
And I didn't mean it, but when a 6'8" dude
comes in to hug you, it's not gentle love.
So I thank you man, I appreciate it.
Pow!
Nah, I'm just playin'.
And cut.
- Very nice. - That was good, right?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - All right, all right.
Not too much?
I came out a little over two years ago
and the only aspect of my life
that hadn't flipped upside down was Patronies Pizza.
To all the Sam Zander fans out there,
if you wanna be a part of a good cause,
click the box here to make a donation
to help us keep this place going.
- We need more people. - You wanna get Patrone?
He spoke today.
The testimonials are nice, but uh,
they only fit on the small screen.
Ann?
She's got a plan.
Every person, past and present.
Just to be clear, you're asking for my help?
Can you do it?
Pinky swear you need my help.
Okay, yay.
Um, I'll have Albert draw up a list of names
and then where should I start?
From the beginning.
Okay, I can do it.
Yes, I can.
I believe in myself.
Guess this is what she meant
by buildin' a great eulogy.
Told you.
Herd.
What if we can't get the people here?
We're gonna get them here, they're gonna come.
Okay, right.
I believe in us.
- We got this. - Should we do affirmations?
Teamin' on.
It's too much.
I know, I'm really trying with you.
- Send an email. - Okay.
She wants my help.
Hey Wendy.
Hey.
Lettin' the rabbit out of the cage, huh?
Yeah.
That's very poetic.
Well I was letting him take a crap
before we get into the car.
What'd you name this one?
Tolstoy.
Of course.
Hey Wendy?
We're all gonna miss you, where you're goin'.
I'm gonna miss you too.
Hey, don't have too much fun in Transylvania.
- It's Slovenia. - Same thing.
- It's a place. - Yeah, whatever.
Hey Knee Cha.
I forgot to tell you that yesterday
was the last day for deliveries.
How you doin', you doin' all right?
Well.
I know it's about to start.
Goin' back?
I got to really know the guy
who led the program last time.
So uh, I've been thinking about asking him
if I can become his apprentice.
Sounds like a plan.
Yeah.
- I didn't fail. - I know that.
I'm just going in on my own terms.
I see you've given God a break.
I guess so.
Hey, you're turning in your badge?
Uh uh.
It's for you.
"We're all in the gutter.
"Some of us just choose to look at the stars."
I wanted to thank you for that.
Thank you, pal.
This is really cool.
It's time.
Time for what?
- Keep 'em closed. - Okay.
We may never be famous.
Hardly anyone will remember our name.
But what we do have is each other.
And today we brought everyone here
whose lives have forever been changed by you.
Okay, you can open your eyes.
Man.
Oh.
I was 16 and I'd just be hanging around this place.
I was gettin' in to all sorts of trouble,
and you gave me a broom.
You brought me in like family and now I have one of my own.
You were always more influential than any
of those books you made us read.
You know workin' here changed me.
Not just books, but people, and then to have
my daughter work here was too cool.
Hey boss.
Ernie.
I see my name tag tradition held up.
Well boss, we took this and had everybody sign it
from the past to the present.
This is the one I used when I dropped that pizza
on the ground and you said I couldn't
apply the five second rule, so,
here you go.
Thank you.
Everyone who has worked for Patronies Pizza is here
in one form or another.
Ah.
Man.
You know, I always knew when we started this project
that I wanted something more than just a pizza restaurant.
It's every book report you turned in,
even though some of you hated doing it.
Schopenhauer.
But they all just, they brought me so much joy.
Yeah, I think it's because I wanted
to hear about how you viewed the world,
and books meant something to me, but,
it was so much more interesting
to hear what they meant to you.
So thank you all for that.
Wendy?
You've taught me so much and when I think about my life,
I've learned that I'll forget way more
than I could ever remember.
It's like trying to hold sand
with your fingers open.
A lot of it falls away, but the important stuff,
it'll stick to your hand.
Thank you.
Ugh.
I was trying to think of a good metaphor, like Wendy.
But uh...
It's two ply.
It's perfect.
Thank you.
This has all been really very touching.
But how about we get some pizza?
Yeah!
Love it!
So this guy came in and asked for eight slices,
and I was like, well, it'd be cheaper to get the large pie.
And he says to me, "I want eight slices
"broken up on individual plates."
So I come back with the whole large pie
and say, "Nothing can be broken when everything is one."
Then he asks me if I'm feeling okay and I say,
"Considering humanity's just a bunch of apes
"with ego trips, I'm doin' just fine."
Then I served all eight slices on individual plates.
And he looks at me and says, "Shalom."
So then it hit me.
Not only did I just serve pizza to Incubus,
but Brandon Boyd may be a little Jewish.
Maybe I am, too.
The thing is, if you wanna be religious
or a rapper or a poet, go do it.
Just don't be an a-hole,
'cause everyone else is trying to find their own thing
and way through this contradictory, beautiful mess
of a world to get to the root of their
true, authentic individuality.
And if that aint true, at least it's a pretty thought.
Basically, we're all just a small slice
of a very old, extra large pie.
We all come out of the oven the same way,
spend our lives in our own ways,
only to get eaten in the end.
And, well, you know how the digestive system works by now.
So what makes the perfect pizza?
I'll give you a hint:
it's a circle.
Typically it has eight slices.
You could have more, you could have less,
but any amount is better than none at all
and what makes it perfect is
if by the end you enjoy it,
and then you keep eatin' it and then...
Jack.
Come on.
They get it, stop talking to them.
As much as I love portraying Sir Kerouac,
I gotta admit,
words,
and the act of writing,
only point towards reality.
Jack!
They never get there.
Got that?
What are you doin'?
Checkin' me out or somethin'?
Get outta here.
Who is Sam Zander?
I wanted to post this video today to let you guys
know I'm taking a break from my channel.
Not because I'm gonna stop searching for the truth,
but because in a way, I feel like maybe I already found it.
It was a famous French writer who once said,
"I tore myself away from the comfort of certainties
"through my love for truth, and truth rewarded be."
Her name was Simone de Beauvoir.
If she's out there listening somewhere,
I just wanna let her know that I'm sorry.
Maybe, maybe she can forgive me.
Also, I left my lights on,
and I could really use a jump start.