...plum, lemon, apple, cherries... No, no, no, no.
Cantaloupe. Yep. And those are the ten best fruits.
- Good one. - Next, vegetables. Mm.
- So, celery, ca... Wha... - Okay, I can't take it anymore.
- Wow. - Will, what's up with the suit?
- It's for my audition to, - Yeah.
get this, be an on-air meteorologist.
- Ohh! - Whoa, Will!
I ran into an old producing buddy of mine
at a kitchen supply store.
I was right in the middle of a free sample of crumb cake.
And there she was.
- Mmm. - Will?
Tracy Freeze! Hi!
- Oh, it's been forever! - Yeah.
So, are you still working from home? Just full-on dad mode?
Ah, nah. I'm actually just killing time in here
while they fix my bike across the street.
- My motorcycle bike. - Will Cooper?
Your daddy/daughter monogrammed chef hats are ready.
- Those aren't mine. - Oh, your name's not Will?
And your daughter's name's not Sophie?
What are you... a private detective?
So, she said I could audition to be the weatherman for KZOP.
K-ZOP!
I've always kind of been a behind-the-camera guy,
but ever since Angie and I
survived that tropical storm, eh, I don't know.
I've just been more willing to put myself out there.
This would be my dream job.
Well, get that mon-ey.
Wow! I'm really proud of you.
Hey, um, can I get free tickets to be in the audience?
There is no audience for local news.
Ar-Are there free pens?
- There may be pens, yeah. - Nice!
Listen, if they give you a secretary,
you want to make sure that you pick a homely one.
- Mm-hmm. - Right? Big nose. Weird skin.
Or else you're not gonna get anything done.
Anyway, I've spent all day making an audition tape,
and I would love some feedback
'cause I have no idea if it's any good.
You know, I've just been a stay-at-home dad too long.
My dad skills are on point.
I can make a lunch with my eyes closed.
And, yes, my dishwasher thinks I'm charming, but will L.A.?
You know, will I have that Al Roker-level of charisma?
- That elusive zazz. - What is "zazz"?
When you experience zazz, you'll know it.
In your bones. And a little in your butt.
Al Roker gives me a tingle in my tush.
Ar-Are you guys saying "zazz" or... or "jazz"?
Hey, dude, I'll take a look at that tape.
- I got a pretty good eye for zazz. - Great.
- Count me in, too. - And Poppy's in!
- Mm-hmm. - Yeah, I want to see this.
Thank you. The big three!
Uh, Mom? Something happened.
Is it noticeable?
Yeah, buddy. Yeah.
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx www.addic7ed.com
Not to backseat-drive here, but it's permanent marker.
This feels more like a cover-up than a wipe-off.
Graham, who did this to you?!
Who cares, really?
One day you have a forehead, and the next day, you have "farts."
No big deal.
Disagree. Picture Day is in two days,
and a bad picture can haunt you the entire year.
Trust me. I've had some rough ones.
- Every Picture Day, - One...
- I get so nervous, my smile becomes, - two... three!
well, real weird.
I'm a lost cause,
but you still have time to take a good picture.
Graham, sweetie,
tell Mommy who did this, okay?
I promise I'll be cool.
It was the twins.
I'll kill them!
Oh, hey, I can't babysit tonight.
I mean, technically, I could, but I don't want to.
We're here because your daughters
vandalized my son's face.
His Picture Day is ruined!
And not to be an alarmist, but maybe his life.
Maybe they'll take profile shots this year. We're good.
- Let's go. - No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
You need to deal with this with Emma and Amy.
I don't even know where they are.
They're standing right there,
polishing your golf clubs.
Girls, why did you write "farts" on Graham's face?
'Cause it's funny.
Sooo funny.
It says "farts"!
Oh, man, I can't breathe.
You gotta admit: it's hilarious.
It says "farts" on his face.
I mean, I can see the humor in it.
- There you go. - No.
It's not funny.
My son's face looks like the side of a bathroom stall.
We need an apology.
An apology? No, no.
Apologies are for the weak.
Does the lion apologize to the gazelle?
Does the tornado apologize to the trailer park?
These are your kids!
You need to teach them right and wrong!
I am. By letting them act the way they see fit.
Who knows how long I'm gonna be around?
But while I'm here,
I am teaching them to be self-sufficient.
So in the future, when a self-driving car is president
and the robots have figured out
that the only thing they need from us is teeth,
my girls will still be standing.
Unlike others.
What the hell are you doing?
God, I love gardenia season!
Look, I have worked too hard all by myself
to drill a moral code into Graham,
and I'm not gonna let your girls undo it.
If you refuse to civilize them, I'll do it myself.
Sleepover at my place.
- Sleepover! - Let's go get our bags!
This is gonna be a night.
Good luck getting an apology.
Maybe after that, you can push back the ocean
or wrestle the wind.
Just to be clear, I'm telling you it's impossible.
We'll see about that.
Good evening.
Thanks for bothering to tune in.
Bet you think I got nothing to tell you.
You think it'll always be sunny and warm.
'Cause you've been lulled into a California complacency
like a little, tan baby eating avocado.
Nom, nom, nom.
Well, guess what.
There's actually a low-pressure system
coming in from the south.
Do you know what that means, even?
Here's a hint: It's gonna rain.
That's all for now. Remember, I'm Will Cooper,
"weather" you like it or not.
- Well? What do you think? - The camera loves you.
I don't even know if I could watch that again.
- Very provocative. - Really? Please be honest.
- You weather-shamed us! - Yeah, never show that again to anybody.
Hey, here's a weather report: That audition was a natural disaster.
Okay, we only have 48 hours until Picture Day.
Luckily, a woman on the Internet swears by coconut oil.
At least it's moisturizing.
Wait. Water's our snack?
It is for now.
Give up the popcorn, D'Amato.
Nope. Not until you apologize.
I'm sorry for all the hassle.
No, no. Y-You don't say you're sorry.
They do.
Apologize now!
Is that the worst you got?
Oh, Angie D is just warming up.
Emma, Emma, Emma.
We're friends, right?
You like cheesy pop, Amy?
This whole bowl could be yours if you would only apologize.
I know what you're doing.
I've seen two "Law and Orders."
You foolish, foolish woman.
Emma got some when she apologized.
That never happened.
I would sense it.
Wait. Really?
No, I heard you talking to her.
You people and twins.
I don't know the extent of your powers.
This isn't over!
Maybe you can add an "O", you know,
to make it "Of Arts"?
Or, as the French would call it, "des artistes."
That sounds classy.
I was trying to be edgy.
KZOP probably thinks I'm some stay-at-home dad
who smells like dryer sheets and snickerdoodles.
I had to subvert their expectations.
I don't think we expected what we just saw.
Look, Will, I love that you're going after your dream.
And I know how hard it is to go back to work
after you've been out of the game for a while.
That's how I felt with the Winebrary.
But... and I don't know how to put this nicely...
that audition is one of the worst things I've ever seen,
and I've seen Miggy's music video.
"Mystery Señorita"?
♪ Mystery señorita ♪
♪ Señorita, chiquitita, mamacita ♪
♪ ¿Quién eres? ♪
♪ Young woman, young woman, young woman ♪
♪ Who are you? ♪
♪ Mystery señorita ♪
♪ Su nombre puede ser ♪
♪ Mi querida o tal vez Sandy ♪
♪ Her name could be anything ♪
♪ It could be Sandy ♪
♪ Mystery señorita ♪
Ella ya estava cuando llegue al auto.
♪ She was here when I got in this car ♪
♪ Who are you? ♪
- ♪ Mystery señorita ♪ - ♪ Señorita ♪
I'll take that comparison as a compliment.
You shouldn't.
Well, do you at least have specific notes?
Listen, your on-air persona
- is a little... - Anderson Cooper-y?
- More like "scary guy at a bus stop." - Hmm. Noted.
How about we help you make a new tape?
I could fix your look.
I've been wanting to do things
to that hair for a long time.
Is something wrong with my hair?
How do you want me to answer that?
And I can give you someone to play off of.
I can be the newscaster that throws to you.
And I'll be your acting coach. I'll make you
a little less preachy and a little more peachy.
From hateable to relatable!
You guys, I can't tell you how much I appreciate this.
Tomorrow, Will Cooper, we make you a star.
This is gonna be the greatest thing I've ever been a part of!
- Whoo! Yay! - Yeah!
♪ Mystery señorita ♪
- ♪ Señorita, chiquitita, mamacita ♪ - Oh, my God.
- No. - ♪ ¿Quién eres? ♪
Well, it can't stay there forever, right?
- Here. We wrote "sorry" notes. - I hope you're happy, Angie.
You made us abandon our principles.
Can I ask what was it that finally turned you?
- Was it when I cried? - No, we just got bored.
Can we just have cheesy pop now?
One more thing. Hold 'em up.
Yes!
Thank you.
Hello, Douglas.
I don't believe it. How much did you pay 'em?
It happened. They apologized.
It took four hours using questionable tactics,
but I domesticated your girls.
Sweet freakin' dreams!
Good morning. Hope everyone had a good night's sleep.
I slept like a rock.
Mom! Your face!
- Oh, boy. - What?
Oh!
Oh, you're going down.
It's not perfect, but it's a start. We'll find it.
All right, thanks, guys. Best crew in the biz.
Let's have a great show.
Thank you so much for being up here with me.
It already feels more like a real local news broadcast.
Action!
Authorities are calling it the bloodiest derailment
in trolly-car history.
And now here's Will Cooper with the weather!
How... How bloody was it?
I'm Will Cooper, "weather" you like it or not.
I need 40% less hands.
I'm Will Cooper, "weather" you like it or not.
- Do your eyes always do that? - What are you doing?
Right. It wants to go right.
It's telling me it wants to go right. I'm just listening.
I'm Will Cooper, "weather" you like it or not.
It started in the toilet, and now it's headed for your mouth.
And now the weather. Will?
Okay, try this.
The camera is a waitress at a diner.
She doesn't know she's beautiful.
She asks you for a refill,
and now this is your chance to introduce yourself.
Who... are... you?!
Will Cooper?
Who do you want to be?!
Will Cooper, the weatherman?
Killing me, Cooper! You're killing me!
- Left, left. - The boy and his llama
were both released from the hospital...
to be buried side by side.
Over to you, Will.
Where are these stories coming from?!
Gah! You almost had it!
I'm Will Cooper, "weather"...
Need more dew.
I'm Will Cooper... "weather" you like it or not.
- Okay, 100% less sign-off. - No sign-off?
How are they gonna know when it's over?
Are you giving me bangs?
This is what your hair wants to do.
- This is the one! I can feel it! - Action.
Good evening. Winds are coming in from the east.
We should see a cool-down for most of Southern Los Angeles.
Chances of rain are high.
Is it over?
You don't know...
'cause there was no sign-off.
The bangs were a mistake.
Of course they were.
That's not the problem, Miggy.
I just don't have the zazz.
Maybe I did at one point in my life,
but I sure as hell don't have it now.
I've been a stay-at-home dad for five years.
And... And maybe that's all I am.
See? That's the oven.
I made you a quiche.
One for each of you.
I didn't even see him make that!
Of course you didn't. I'm a lunch wizard.
Douglas!
Hey, you got a mustache on your face.
Your girls are out of control.
They tore up their "sorry" notes!
- You have to do something about this. - I get it.
You're upset you look like a carnival barker in the Dust Bowl.
But I already told you, we don't do apologies around here.
My girls are strong and unshakable.
Just like you and your brother, Luigi.
Are you done with the mustache jokes?
Yes, but how much for a gondola ride?
So they're not gonna apologize?
Your girls are hopeless, and I'm done trying to help.
Now let's go try on every shade of foundation at Sephora.
We're not going anywhere!
Emma and Amy, get over here!
Mess with me? Fine.
But no one messes with my mom!
Apologize!
Or else.
Or else what?
You wanna fight us, Fart Head?
No, no, no, no, no.
Nobody wants to fight.
You wanna rumble, let's rumble!
To the street!
Are you happy? There's a rumble happening!
A rumble needs like 20 people.
But fine.
I can't believe our kids are fighting.
Well, technically, they've only been circling each other
- for half an hour. - Yeah, but look at Graham.
Something primal has been released.
I've never seen him circle anything.
I'm 45 pounds of pent-up emotion!
I can circle all day, baby!
You know what? You did this.
How you raise your kids affects my kid.
You're not on an island, Douglas.
I can't help it if I've taught my kids survival skills.
Being a jerk is not a survival skill, all right?
No one survives separated from the pack.
In order to stay in the pack, you gotta be nice
and apologize to your friends.
Yeah, I don't believe in packs.
We're born alone.
We make love alone. We die alone.
It's a dog-eat-dog world.
Fogerty clan all day!
Protect ya neck!
You getting tired?!
Really? Because you depend on us for a lot.
Carpool. Sleepover.
That one day you said you just had "the grumpies."
- I did. - Hell, you're probably
depending on me right now
to jump in and stop this whole thing.
That's what you sensitive parents tend to do.
Wow. Okay.
You know what? You want dog-eat-dog?
You got it. I'm not protecting your kids anymore.
- Hit 'em, Graham! - W-W-Wait. What are you doing?
Playing by your rules.
This is what you want, right? Jungle law?
Take 'em down, Graham! Avenge Mommy!
Heads up, we come from a long line
of Sicilian street fighters.
I got D'Amato blood in my veins!
Hit 'em, Graham!
This is for my hero: my mother!
Okay, wait, wait! Stop! All right, no one fight, okay?
Girls, listen. Graham is your friend.
And even though he's... whiny and weird
and picks his nose in the back seat of my car
when he thinks I'm not looking,
the point is, he needs you, and...
...you need him.
You're joking, right, Dad?
This guy?
Apologize.
It's the right thing to do.
Fine. Sorry for writing "farts" on your head.
And for your 'stache.
I accept.
Thank God it's over.
Being angry is exhausting.
Thank you, Douglas.
And I'm sorry for holding your girls hostage all night.
I gotta be honest, I don't think I fed them.
Apology accepted.
Good... good.
Do you have anything you want to say to me?
Yeah, no. I can't do it.
- Really, dude? - I'm Dr. Douglas Fogerty.
I haven't said sorry since 1998.
I was alone and wanted to see how it would feel.
I didn't care for it.
But I'll apologize in my own way.
Trust me.
Oh, God. This is my fault. I gotta work on my banter.
- I blame Miggy. - What?!
You know every good performance starts with the hair.
Hey, you're the one that told him to "Liza it up."
No one knows who that is!
- Ooh, take that back! - I will not.
My friends, it is none of your fault, okay?
I just... don't have the charisma to be on TV.
I mean, who did I think I was? Mario Lopez?
He was on my flight to Hawaii.
Coach.
Will, some people don't know what their dream job is. You do.
That's a start, and you have to start somewhere.
Yeah, man.
You should've seen my first sneaker video.
It was just a 10-second close-up of a shoelace.
But that close-up got me to where I am today.
I mean, look at me now.
Fail early. Fail often. Fail forward.
I got that quote from Will Smith's Instagram story.
This is all very inspiring, and you know how much I love Will Smith.
- He's a "Bad Boy." - But I just don't think it's...
Okay, guys, great advice all around.
But I've lived with this man for seven years.
I think I know how to handle this.
Dad? Family meeting?
Sophie, honey, please do not worry about me.
I am going to be fine.
Plus, I learned a valuable lesson.
- Which is? - Stick to what I know.
Is it for my sake?
Have I been holding you back?
What? Sophie. No way.
I would not trade all these years at home with you
for anything in the world.
I'm giving up because I don't have what it takes
to be a prime-time weather anchor.
I just... don't have the zazz.
I'm thinking of heading to the park later this afternoon.
What boots do you think I should wear?
That was a very abrupt subject change.
- What just happened? - Indulge me.
Okay, well, if you're really going,
uh, it rained yesterday,
so there's definitely gonna be mud.
So I'm thinking boots with a tread.
I'd say something rubber,
just in case that precipitation comes back.
And now I'm thinking windbreaker.
- Something with a hood, like... - Dad.
Are you hearing yourself?
Yeah, I was just about to ramp up on Gore-Tex
and go deep on dew.
Right. Because your dad skills
include delivering a weather forecast every day.
To me.
Well, yeah, but I just want you to know what you're in for.
And I do. Because every morning when I'm picking out my boots,
you do a full 15 minutes on wind speeds,
humidity, what time I should expect the sunset.
And all that could be boring. But with you, it's not.
You make it fun and interesting and weird.
Why don't you just do that in your audition?
Can't you just be you?
Fun fact: Hasn't been this hot since June 1990
when temps soared to 112.
Hot. Tss! Do not touch.
Uh, that's all for now. You stay cool, L.A.
I'm Will Coop with your weather scoop.
Back to you.
Will, you did it. I'm so proud of you.
You were great, Daddy.
I felt that heat!
Good job!
High praise. How was the hair?
We're close. It's getting there.
That was really nice work, Cooper.
Ah, thank you, Tracy.
Thank you so much for letting me come and do this in person.
Well, you barged in, so I didn't really have a choice.
- Mm-hmm. - But I liked what I saw.
Well, I couldn't have done it without my team.
We got Rory guiding the performance, Miggy on hair,
- Poppy leading me in... - Hey.
...and Sophie...
I pretty much couldn't do anything without Sophie.
- Aww. - Aww.
Y-You know none of these people
can come to work with you every day?
Not a problem. Two of them have school.
She runs a business.
- Miggy would probably come... - Yes! Free pass.
Wait. I got the job?!
Yes, you are KZOP's newest substitute weatherman.
Sunday mornings, as needed, 5:00 to 7:00 a.m.
Your audience will mostly be pets
who step on remote controls.
Uh... um...
that... sounds...
awesome!
I accept!
Oh, man!
Willy Cooper coming to a city near you!
Well, it's only L.A., and you'll barely be on TV.
Okay, staying put for a select group! I'm honored!
- Willy Coop! - Oh!
Willy Coop!
- Come on! - Willy Coop!
But seriously, none of you can ever come to work.
- Willy C.! - Okay? Like, ever.
Willy C.!
Okay, smile.
This is the original, uncut "Mystery Señorita."
Huh. Oh, it's 43 minutes long? I'm not watching that.
Hey.
Hey. Congrats on your new job.
Thanks. Congrats on the new 'stache.
I'm glad you finally made it through puberty.
Funny. You know, I heard there's an audition tape of you
floating around where you're real bitchy about rain.
Good luck finding the Pink Panther.
We got this for you. We're sorry, Graham.
Is this actually happening?
Am I cool?!
I think you were right about that whole pack thing,
though I've actually always looked at myself as a lone wolf.
Well, for better or worse, you've got us.
And, God forbid, something ever happens,
we'll take care of your girls.
Just try to watch the red-meat intake, okay?
Yeah, that's not gonna happen.
- What's this? - My apology.
Do what you feel is right.
I'm gonna write "butts."
Honestly, I expected worse.
Okay, give me a nice, big smile.
Don't get your hopes up, lady.
Many have tried. All have failed.
Oh, my God! "Butts"?!
One, two, three.
Wait. Did I just smile for real?
- Yes! - Okay, wait just a minute.
One more with the, uh, the group and everything.
Oh, my God, Will. It's happening.
Your hair is perfect right now.
This is how it always looks.
- No, no, no, no. Dude, trust me. - No, it looks good.
Hey, yo, yo, yo! Take this pic right now
before it changes. Come on.
So you want a random group shot?
You're taking someone else's time, you know.
Right. Time is money.
Get yourself something.
And this isn't random.
This is my pack.
But I'm only doing this once, so nobody blink.
Everyone say "zazz"!
Zazz!
Not saying it.
Synced & corrected by kinglouisxx www.addic7ed.com