Who do you think he's talking to?
IRS. He's begging them to audit him.
No, no, no, he -- he's leaving himself a voicemail.
"Hey, there, buddy. You're doing a great job.
Call me back."
No, it's his ex-wife.
Look at him:
that forehead crease, those clenched butt cheeks.
Mia, right?
The schmancy pants human rights lawyer?
Yeah.
Hello, ladies. What's up with Mia?
How did you -- 'Cause I've been there.
And your butt cheeks.
So, what happened?
[ Sighs ] It's not a big deal, just...
Mia postponed her visit to come see Sophie.
Yet again. Aww.
It's gotten to the point where I can't tell Sophie
that her mom's coming to visit her until like, literally the day before
because Sophie gets so bummed every time Mia flakes.
Not that that guts me every time...
[ Laughs ]
How are you processing the divorce?
Where are you on anger? Not great.
Uh-huh. Honestly.
But she and I decided it'd be best for Sophie
if we always kept it really positive.
And -- And honestly, I'm not angry.
Honestly. Honestly.
Honestly?
Honestly. Well, this is a disaster.
I just got stuck chaperoning the field trip
to the marionette theatre.
Ahhh. So fun!
I'm terrified by those puppets,
with the bobbing heads, the herky-jerky limbs,
the lifeless eyes.
Good God, man!
Are you okay?
Jack was up all night again.
What am I doing wrong?
Well, what's your bedtime routine?
[ Sighs ]
I give him a bath... Good.
...then we split a couple milkshakes,
tease that stray dog that comes by,
then he watches me dance to a strobe light,
and then I snuggle him all night.
Oh. My. God.
You still haven't sleep trained Baby Jack?
Hold up!
There's another thing about babies I don't know?
Look, sleep training is where
you teach your child how to sleep all on their own.
You put them in the crib
while they're still awake, and you leave,
and you do not pick that baby up,
no matter how hard they cry.
It's how they learn to self-soothe.
But you won't be soothed.
[ Baby crying ]
Find your thumb, baby! [ Cries ]
You people are idiots.
When Emma and Amy were babies,
I would just yell "Sleep!" and leave the room.
It's about being tough.
That's why women are no good at it.
Will: Okay, then. Excuse me?
What did you just say?
What? It's in your chromosomes.
Women are, uh, biologically unable to resist
the sound of a baby's cries.
You were born to nurture.
That's why God gave you two pillows.
Wow. Okay.
You know what?
Just to prove to you that,
Gasp!, a woman can get a wittle baby down,
I bet I can sleep train Baby Jack in one night.
Ooh.
Oh, now, this is getting interesting.
What's in it for me?
If I can't...
...I...
will chaperone the marionette theatre.
Oooh! Puppetry is so dope.
Don't say "dope." But if I can...
I get ten minutes alone in the sample closet
at your dermatology office.
Ahh, The Closet of Youth?
Who do you think you are? Jenny Aniston?
I'll tell you what -- you're on.
I'm gonna put that baby down so hard, he never wakes up!
Angie! That's a lot.
Oh, that's even too far for me.
Not like that! Sorry, Miggy.
Miggy?
[ Snoring ]
-- Captions by VITAC --
Miggy: Make yourself at home, homey.
Are you sure you're up for watching the big kids at my place?
I mean, you've never watched all of them at the same time,
and...
...Graham can be...
a little emotional.
I-I-I never know if it's because he's being bullied
or if he's just crying over a soup commercial.
Listen, I know you guys think I'm some dummy
who can't even sleep train his own baby --
No, we don't!
Mm. Fine, we do.
But, hey, we also think you can't do other things.
Look, I got it.
Matter of fact, I have a whole plan
that'll change the face of babysitting forever.
Check this:
pizza. And. A. Movie.
What?
You cracked it. [ Laughing ] Word.
[ Cellphone alarm ] Oh, snap.
Okay, you have one minute before this baby
starts screaming for the next fifteen hours.
Bye, Jack!
[ Grunting ]
Oh!
You're forgetting Graham.
Oh. Oops.
It'll be easier to keep track of them when there's more of them.
Makes sense. Yeah.
Miggy: G-Money, let's go. Bye, Mom.
Good luck with whatever it is you're trying to prove.
[ Door closes ] All right, you little goober. Let's do this. [ Sighs ]
Angie: Listen, you,
you're about to have a really bad night, okay?
But just know whatever happens,
I'm right outside that door,
doing the People Magazine crossword puzzle
because other crosswords are too hard for me.
God, you're a weirdly cute baby.
I don't like it. I don't trust it.
I'm not gonna pick you up.
Night, chubster.
See you in hell.
[ Doorbell rings ]
Poppy, a surprise visit and a beau blanc. Why?
One of the perks of owning a wine store
is getting my friends drunk wholesale.
That's so nice. That's so -- it's so --
Uh, now's not a good time for me.
Yeah, I just, um -- I'm just doing some --
There's an adult party in that room!
And I know you're not asking for specifics,
but it is very sexual and it is very safe --
Oh, Will, what is this?!
My baking...
It's just a little banana bread!
A couple loaves. Ten, fifteen.
It's like forty! It's exactly forty. Good eye.
Will, please tell me that you have drugs or something in these
because that would be less crazy than what I'm looking at.
Nope. No drugs.
Will.
William.
Billy. I'm fine!
I'm not crazy, okay? Ju-- [ Sighs ]
Things... get tough with Mia
and...I do some baking.
Look, after my divorce, I was angry.
I'm talking Beyoncé-circa-"Lemonade" angry.
No... Yes.
But I worked through that.
And working through that made me the woman that I am today --
Beyoncé-circa- "Everything is Love".
God, I wanna be Beyoncé-circa- "Everything is Love".
We all do.
How did you do it?
[ Whistle blows, balls bouncing ]
Volleyball? Mm-hmm.
[ Chuckles ]
I'm sor-- Really? Volleyball?
Look, I tried everything:
woodworking, snorkeling,
screaming really loud into a jug.
And then, one day,
I picked up Rory from a ribbon dancing class
at the rec center, and there it was --
volleyball.
I'd found my home. My people --
Oh, no!
Poppy?
Co-- Relax, Gerald!
I'm just here to support my friend, Will.
Lookin' strong, Cassidy.
Are you sure it's okay we're here?
Um, it's a legal grey area.
But let's get that anger out! Hmm?
Miggy: Yo, pizza!
No one saw it coming,
but the game has changed, y'all. [ Laughs ]
But we always have --
Shhh. Just let him have this.
Hey. What's up, Insta-Graham?
Something happened at school.
[ Gasps ]
Sometimes. Life. Is. So. Beautiful.
[ Sobbing ]
Everybody's been calling me "Butterfly Baby."
Even Bunny Ears, and she's my girlfriend.
That's cold-blooded.
I keep telling you: just move.
Huh. Zillow says Boise's hot.
I don't make sense in Idaho.
Okay, guys, guys, let's just eat our slices
so we can fire up Child's Play.
I haven't seen it, but it's about a kid and his doll.
Sounds sweet.
Yeah, we're not doing that tonight. Huh?
We invited Bunny Ears over for a party
so Graham seems cool again.
You did what?! What did you do?!
Miggy, you're basically our age.
We like you, but we don't respect you.
Enjoy the party, kiddo.
Ah! [ Doorbell rings ]
**
I left something on the stove.
Ahhh!
[ Jack crying ]
Please, please stop crying, baby!
Being sad at night is just part of the human experience.
Get used to it.
[ Crying continues ]
Maybe I should just --
Nope! No, I'm not.
Yes, I am. Yes, I am.
[ Crying stops ] Ohhhh, yes.
Oh! That's the good stuff.
[ Doorbell rings ]
Ooooh, looks like Mommy Angie's Postmates is here...
Ah ha ha ha ha ha!
I knew it!
Oh, guess what?
I heard that the marionette show
is circus-themed!
You know what that means?
Puppet clowns!
[ Laughs evilly ]
**
Miggy's place is even worse than I thought.
How do people live like this?
No! The bet was for one night, not one try!
I get another shot!
Oh, just give it up now.
It's nothing to be ashamed about.
Women are just softer creatures.
No!
I can do this!
T-That was just my warm-up.
I-I'm out of practice.
Here.
I'm gonna go outside, get hyped up, [ Fist hits palm ]
try to catch a squirrel with my bare hands!
[ Door closes ]
I'm sorry.
I've...I've forgotten your name.
I'm Dr. Douglas Fogerty.
All right, Will, so, you're just gonna hit the ball
and talk to me about your ex, okay? Okay.
How often does she see Sophie?
[ Scoffs ] Well, Mia's doing very important work!
So, it's not her fault!
But last year,
she didn't see Sophie for six months.
Was that hard for you?
A little.
Spike the ball.
Go ahead. You got this.
Yeah.
What else about Mia?
But then, sometimes, she'll show up without warning.
Like once, Sophie and I had to cancel
our wild and crazy spring break trip to Colonial Williamsburg.
And I bet you planned it for a long time?
I thought of it when she was three.
Oh, and then last year... What happened?!
...she switched up the holiday schedule at the last minute!
Come on, I bet you just loved that!
Do you know what it was like,
eating a 12-pound turkey by myself?!
It was extremely sad, Poppy!
Extremely sad!
Aah! Yes! Okay!
Yes! Okay!
I get it now! Let's do this! Hey!
How we do this, shirts versus skins?!
No, no, no, no, no, no! It's -- It's -- It's day one.
Can't stop now, Poppy.
You have any idea how long it's been
since I've had this big a release?
Hey. Will Cooper. Yeah, Will, everybody knows
how long it's been since you've had a big release.
But take it easy, okay?
Hey...
it's me, Willy C.
Hey. Will Cooper. How are ya?
How's it going? Will Cooper.
Hey, what's going on, guys? How are you?
Let's have a good, clean game, okay? All right, dude.
All right, don't take it easy on me just 'cause I'm new.
Will, your shirt's on backwards.
Let's volley!
**
Dude, you heard me promise your mom I could handle babysitting.
You gotta tell those girls to go home.
Dude, no!
If I cancel the party,
I'll seem even less cool than I do right now.
Can I be honest with you?
Kid to kid?
I am not a k--
[ Sighs ] Sure, go ahead.
I thought things would be different
when I got a girlfriend,
but I-I'm still the boy who runs and hides
every time the school janitor
comes up from the basement.
Miggy? Yeah?
You're the coolest guy I know.
Oh, it was just pizza. [ Chuckles ]
Can you help me be a little bit more like you?
You know, get that swag?
Oh?
[ Chuckles ]
How much swag we talking about?
How much swag can you give me?
How much swag can you handle?
How much swag do girls like?
Oh, the girls like all the swag.
Then I need all the swag, Miggy!
I got you, Graham!
Unh!
[ Hip-hop music playing, Emma and Amy laughing, screeching ]
I recently read a group of rabbits
is called a warren.
Tough crowd.
Yo. Bunny Ears.
Cool.
What's the juice box sitch?
You tell me, shorty.
**
Woo!
Ugh, I just went full raccoon on the neighbor's trash.
Better wash my hands before I hold Baby Jack --
wait, where is he?
He's in his room.
Asleep.
No, you didn't.
I've outsmarted yet another baby.
But -- I -- How did you --
I-I was only gone for a few minutes!
You really just went in there, said "sleep"
and then walked out?
I told you. Men have cold hearts.
We're terrible people.
That's why we're very good at war,
advertising, and sleep training.
L-Look, don't beat yourself up here.
You're a softie,
just like that sweet kid of yours.
**
What did you just say?
I-I -- No, you know what I mean.
Y-Y-You and Graham are...
sof-softies.
Look, i-it's not his fault.
He-He's being raised by a lady,
he doesn't know anything else, was my...point.
This just got real.
A-A-Alright, l-listen.
Calm down, okay?
I shouldn't have brought the kid into it!
Have fun with the marionettes!
No, wait -- i-it's over.
I w-won. The kid's asleep.
Angie?!
[ Whispering ] Angie?! You don't wake a sleeping baby!
That's one thing everyone on the Earth knows.
I. Got. This.
Okay, you know what? Fine.
You're on your own.
[ Shouting ] Oh, no, Baby Jack!
I accidently woke you up!
[ Jack crying ]
[ Will shouts ]
Hey!
I didn't realize you were on a strict spike diet.
'Cause you just ate my spike!
All right, hey, hey, Willy C. Hey.
Hey, maybe one game --
[ Loud slap ] ooh! -- is enough, huh?
No way, José!
I haven't felt this good in years. Okay.
Look, my calves are popping. Poppin'.
You sure you don't want to come in?
Oh, no, no, no, no. I'm done with all that.
[ Chuckling ] I am done with rage.
Yeah, I-I just think of Ron as a medium-good friend
who has a striking resemblance to Rory.
Ha! God, I wish I was like you and Ron!
If my ex got Sophie a phone, I'd be furious.
Uh, w-w-what are you -- what are you talking about?
You didn't know?
I-I'm sorry. Sophie's been talking about it all week.
Ron bought Rory a phone.
In fact, Rory just texted me my Zillow Zestimate,
and I'm up 3%!
Ron got Rory a phone?!
I'm so sorry. I thought you knew.
Is there anything I can do? Are you okay?
Nope, but I'm gonna be. Ball!
[ Grunts ]
* I could be wrong
* I could be right
**
* Anger is an energy
[ Distorted screaming ] * Anger is an energy
[ Blows whistle ]
[ Distorted ] Out!
In! That was in! What?! Are you blind?!
We can't go down this road again, Poppy.
But we are! You're already on the path, Gerald!
Okay, let's just get back in the game, okay? Call it in!
Hey! Hey, Gerald!
What's black and white
and doesn't know how to ref volleyball?
Gerald! Gerald!
Please, this is a volunteer thing.
Get down from that chair! If you don't get -- then we'll bring you down!
No, don't. Then we'll bring you down, Gerald, huh?!
Poppy: Whoo-oo! You disrespect us, we disrespect you!
Yes! Take that! You're gonna eat net, Gerald!
Take that!
[ Blows whistle ] Eat rope!
[ Jack crying ] Angie: Enough with the crying.
[ Imitating Douglas ] Hey! Sleep, baby!
[ Normal voice ] Wait.
Let's just see how Uncle Douglas did it.
[ Video rewinding ]
[ Gasps ]
* Danke schoen *
* Darling, danke schoen * He picked him up?!
* Thank you... * That. Monster.
[ Pop music playing ]
Dude.
I think it's safe to say
that this night got away from me.
You having fun at least?
No, not really. Who am I kidding?
I don't have the head shape to pull off this hat.
I guess [Sighs] when it comes down to it,
the two of us can only be the dudes that we are.
Right.
You're a terrible babysitter...
...and I'm a complicated young man.
And if people don't dig what you're selling,
they're not worth having around anyway. You know what I mean?
Yeah.
[ Girls giggling ]
[ Chuckling ] Graham, what is this?
Please tell me it isn't yours?
Yes, it belongs to me.
Graham. No. You're going to have to live abroad.
It's okay, Rory.
The lion is mine, and his name is Mr. Roar,
and he hunts and eats bad dreams
and yes, I do find butterflies beautiful!
And if that makes me a Butterfly Baby, fine,
but this Butterfly Baby wants you out of his house!
It's over!
I. Have. Never.
Come on, Bunnies.
[ Door opens ]
I'm proud of you, Graham Master Flash.
Unh! [ Door closes ]
Wait! Those girls can't leave on their own! They're seven!
[ Glass clangs, indistinct chatter ] A fifth wife is a special person, and I --
You cheater!
[ Chatter stops ]
Angie?!
Hiya, Douglas!
I saw you pick him up on the monitor.
You...lied.
Is anything about you real?
Is this even steak?
Mmm! Oh, boy, is it ever!
M-May we speak privately, please?
Here.
If he cries,
don't be afraid to do skin to skin.
You picked him up!
Ha ha ha ha!
I just yell "Sleep," my ass!
You're just like me! A big, old sack of goo!
O-Okay! Fine! Fine!
Why did you go out of your way
to make me feel bad about my parenting skills?
Because I didn't want you to know that I'm weak, too.
I'm soft as summer butter.
I wanted to be tough on the girls, but I was outnumbered.
Do you understand? I-I --
One time...
...I breastfed them.
[ Babies crying ]
[ Sobbing ]
Neither one of us
are as tough as we want people to think.
But I can keep the secret if you can.
Then I have a confession to make.
You're attracted to me. I know. It's the height.
It's -- It's very primal.
I think you're right about Graham.
I think I messed him up.
Oh, come on. No, it's true.
I was young and alone and tired,
and I did all the things that you're not supposed to do.
I picked him up. I snuggled him. And now look at him.
He's... a 4-foot-tall mush ball.
Hey. Your kid is amazing and sensitive,
and makes me a card every time I get a kidney stone.
Plus, you wanna know the truth?
We would like to think that there is some direct line
between what we do and how our kids turn out.
But you know what? It's a crapshoot.
We do what we can, and who they end up becoming...
it's up to them.
Wait. So, you're telling me that I can do
whatever I want as a parent and it doesn't matter whatsoever?
Not exactly the takeaway I was hoping for,
but whatever makes you feel better.
Well, in that case,
I'm gonna need you to show me something.
* Danke schoen
* Darling, danke schoen *
O-O-Okay, deeper and lower.
[ Deep voice ] * Danke schoen
* Darling, danke schoen * Oh, you're hopeless.
* Thank you for all the joy and pain *
Sway. Try not to bob.
Will: Huh.
I think I'm gonna have to write Gerald an apology letter.
Good idea... but take your time.
He's...not gonna be able to read for a few weeks.
Ugh.
Okay, just, uh, wait, wait, wait.
[ Exhales ] I just need a second.
[ Sighs ] This is the toughest part. Yeah.
You have to let the anger out,
but you can't let your kid see any of it. Yeah.
I mean, I thought I was past all this.
Hey, man, co-parenting is tough business.
Normally, when you break up with someone, it's over,
but we will be connected to Ron and Mia
for the rest of our lives.
I know.
But...I don't hate him completely. [ Knock on door ]
There were some good things about the marriage.
Mom! Dad!
Hi, buddy!
I missed you! Ohhh!
Did you have fun? Yeah.
**
I cried at school today.
Oh, buddy, I'm sorry.
Then Bunny Ears teased me.
So I dumped her.
I don't need that noise.
Daaaaaaamn!
Nice work.
* Danke schoen
* Darling, danke schoen
* Thank you for all the joy and pain *
Wayne Newton: * Picture show
* Second balcony
* Was the place we'd meet
* Second seat
...the serve. [ Imitates ball spiking ]
[ Laughing ] And he's just, "Pshhhhh!"
And I said, "Don't mess with me
'cause I'm the best volleyball player of all time!" [ Laughing ]
[ Smooches ]
* Auf Wiedersehen
* Danke schoen
I also threw a rager tonight!
What?!
Does anyone here like puppets?!
[ Organ music plays ]
Not all at once, kids. Geez!
"Don't come near me with that. I'm allergic."
[ Grunting ]
"Bring on the elephants!"