Oh, FYI, the club is having
a Twelve Days of Christmas themed dinner
- that'll knock your socks off. - Ooh!
Punishing amount of poultry. Just brutal.
Now, brutal in a fun way
or brutal in, like, Rory's burn book way?
That kid took us both down. I never wore sandals again.
Hey, you ever think about telling the kids about us?
And say what?
I mean, we haven't even labeled this.
Whatever this is.
But if we were labeling it, what would it be?
Snuggle buddies?
Handsy carpoolers?
Hot tub pals.
Ooh! Or maybe -- maybe just "tubbers"?
- Oh, I love our work in the hot tub. - POPPY: (chuckles)
But all this -- kids, having a conversation, words --
feels like a 2020 problem to me.
I'm so glad you said that, 'cause I just...
you know, I like being in our little bubble.
So safe in here.
Yes! Just you and me, ignoring the needy screams
of the children we're hiding from.
Uh-huh.
AMY: Lights.
EMMA: Watch the bulbs this time!
Get off my ass, will ya?!
(sighs)
♪♪
Look.
I told you, I got it!
No. Look.
♪♪
Aah!
♪♪
(Christmas bells ringing)
Gotta say, Angie, I am very impressed
with how you've upped your Christmas game this year.
I see you hung a Santa beard.
You know, that's not normally a decoration,
but still, I admire the effort.
Oh!
That's a beard. I thought it was snow.
Now that we're back in the house,
I just want to give Graham the best Christmas ever.
You know, it's been a crazy couple months.
Yeah, he lived in a sauna, like a human towel.
And check it --
this year, I'm gonna read Graham's letter to Santa.
You've never read it before?
And feel bad for all the crap I can't afford to buy him?
No, thank you.
That blood's on Santa's hands.
This Christmas, Graham is gonna get everything he asks for,
even if it means I have to max out all my credit cards
and sell my teeth and hair, like in Les Mis.
You know, I actually played Cosette
in a gender-bending production of Les Mis
at a junior college where I was not enrolled.
I...don't love knowing that.
Alright, kidoodle, time to hit the road.
A-plus decking the halls, Angie.
You would never be able to tell you burned down your own house.
And a merry Christmas to you, child.
♪♪
GRAHAM: Here, Mom.
For the mailbox at the bottom of your purse.
♪ We won't go until we get some ♪
♪♪
GRAHAM: Hi, Santa.
Based on what's been under the tree lately,
I suspect I may have the wrong address.
Have you switched Poles?
Anywhoozle, this year, I only have two things on my list.
1, I want to see snow.
2, I want to meet my dad.
(gasps)
Oh, that's a punch in the butt.
(camera clicking)
How long you plan on loitering in front of my fireplace?
Until I get the perfect photo.
You know how hard I work on my Christmas card/Instagram post
'cause I don't know where the stamp goes.
Well, at least you know that there are stamps,
and that's more than I'd expect.
Hey, hey, Douglas, I got a problem.
Well, good luck with it. And use coasters.
MIGGY: No, no, no, no! Listen, listen.
(chuckles) So, I asked my friend with bennies,
Homily Pronstroller,
to help me come up with the dopest, freshest,
most off-the-wall idea for a card.
I thought she was the coolest girl around,
but she keeps pitching me all this lame stuff.
Who's ready for photos?
I got you matching Christmas sweaters.
(chuckles) Hey, you know, when you get those printed, uh,
I'll take two copies, okay?
PRONSTROLLER: Okay. Right on that.
- Ugh. Yes. - Mm.
I knew you were a snowman guy.
Jack, you're gonna look so good in this!
Miggy! Miggy!
The twins came to me with some...troubling information.
We need a third-party confirmation.
- Okay. - Are my dad...
And my darling mother...
Boyfriend and girlfriend?
Oh, yeah. You guys didn't know?
- What? - Oh, my God.
Girls, get the salts.
I'm going down.
♪♪
(door opens)
ANGIE: Hey. Will.
Remember when I said that Graham
was gonna get everything on his list this year?
That little dumb-dumb asked for snow.
Damn, girl, you dead.
No. Not dead.
I'm gonna drive north until I hit the white stuff,
maybe...I don't know, use that map thingy on my phone.
Ew. This cookie's trash.
(chuckling) Your phone?
Angie, you are standing in front of KZOP's preeminent alternate weatherman.
I'll find you snow.
Isn't TV weather just for entertainment purposes?
Entertainment purposes?
No. I am a professional.
Let's see here.
Ah ha ha ha!
Looks like Lake Arrowhead is expecting an onding.
What's that, you ask?
That's just the 18th-century Scottish word
for "heavy snowfall."
Something that just came from my mind. I'll go ahead and book us a cabin.
Really?
Wow. (exhales sharply) Thanks, Will.
- You're the best. - You owe me $200.
Amazing. I'll Venmo you.
- Will you? - Absolutely not.
♪♪
I mean, once you get past the insane height difference, this tracks.
Mom's been acting super-weird lately.
Mom, Louisa's sleepover dress code is "Titanic Steerage,"
so, um...have you seen my nightshirt?
Mom? Mom?
- Poppy! - Oh, what? Yeah?
She only busts out Coco by Chanel on special occasions,
and there has been a lot of special occasions lately.
Our dad's been sketchy as hell, too.
Make it sing, Tony.
♪♪
Mm.
Tony usually only does the big shave on his birthday.
He's been swinging that blade every week.
Right under our noses the entire time.
Like Charles and Camilla.
Hold up.
But what does this mean?
Are you going to be our triplet?
Listen, Poppy's great.
No disrespect.
But the Fogertys got a system.
Yeah, it works.
All this change kind of makes me want to yarf.
Okay.
There is clearly a lot of emotion here,
but we can start working through that crap after Christmas.
Right now, we have the next 48 hours
to use the info to get as many presents as possible.
Ooh, I love an inside job.
How are we gonna get these suckers?
When Mom was dating Mark Rush, she felt super-weird about it
and got me all of the celebrity Barbies that I wanted --
Ava DuVernay, Tim McGraw and Faith Hill,
Vitamin C --
We gotta guilt them until the holiday shipping window runs out.
I want a baby hippo,
and I'll just toss it when it gets too big.
Who cares? It's free.
We're rich, you idiots. We're rich!
ANGIE: Can you believe I'm actually
gonna pull off this snow-for-Christmas thing?
I'm such a good mom, it's, like, obnoxious.
We are 1,000 yards away from snow.
- Yay! - Boy, oh, boy!
Hey, how many times do you think you could
listen to this song on "repeat" before you just ended it all?
For me, it would be four.
Start practicing your "brrr."
- BOTH: Brrr! - (volume increases)
♪ Deck the halls with boughs of holly ♪
ALL: ♪ Fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la ♪
(crow caws)
GRAHAM: I don't see snow.
Help me! Help me! My insides are drying!
Here, here. (exhales sharply)
So, I guess your prediction was a little off.
Oh. Wait. Is that a snowflake?
Oh.
No, it's just ash.
Ugh!
This is exactly what I was talking about.
Weathermen are just like palm readers --
fun, never right, wear too much makeup.
I am a scientist.
I went to school for meteorology.
Oh, yeah? And what were your classes?
Looking Out the Window 101?
Oh, and when did they teach you to do this with your hands?
Okay, now we are veering into hurtful territory.
You said you'd get me snow!
Look, I know that Graham has had a hard year
and you want to get him everything on his list.
Here.
Read this!
(sighs)
"I want to meet my dad --"
Oh. Ohhhh.
Ohhh!
Yeah, this is, uh...
this is a toughie.
Hmm. Yeah. Okay.
Well, let me look around for some "doy."
Nope! No doy!
Well, do you think that he heard something about Derek showing up?
No! I didn't tell him anything.
Graham knows zero percent real things about his dad.
When he was 4, he started asking questions,
and I panicked and told him that his dad
was a blueberry scientist in Greece.
'Cause you were eating blueberry Greek yogurt at the time?
Obviously.
(sighs)
Once I give Graham a dad, he'll be in our lives forever.
And if they meet...
what if it doesn't go well? Or what if it does?
Or what if Graham hates Derek or Derek hates Graham?
Or what if they team up and both decide they hate me?
Just because that happened at your bank and with your co-workers
doesn't mean it'll happen with them.
There are a million things that could happen,
and I-I can't control any of them.
And right now, I control every part of Graham's life,
right down to the fact that his diet is 78% chicken fingers.
- Ang -- - No!
I am sensing some real "open your heart" vibes right now,
and I don't want to hear it.
What are you doing?
I'm gonna find some snow.
(Eartha Kitt's "Santa Baby" plays)
♪ Santa baby ♪
You know, Mom, it's moments like this that I'm glad it's just the two of us.
♪ Been an awful good girl ♪
♪ Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight ♪
♪♪
(slot machine ringing, coins clattering)
♪ Santa baby ♪
Dad, you know what I hate?
Change.
♪ I'll wait up for you, dear ♪
♪ Santa baby ♪
(slot machine ringing, coins clattering)
I just don't know where I'd fit therapy in my schedule.
You know, if I had to... go for any reason.
♪ Santa cutie ♪
♪ There's one thing I really do need ♪
(slot machine ringing, coins clattering)
I'm so glad I have a sister instead of a brother.
Can you imagine?
♪ ...and hurry down the chimney tonight ♪
♪♪
♪ And hurry ♪
(slot machine ringing, coins clattering)
♪ Tonight ♪
DOUGLAS: Wow!
You bought him a re-creation of the Clueless closet?
What? I like that Paul Rudd.
His skin doesn't age.
It's not a re-creation, Douglas. It is the closet.
Had it dug out from a prop house
and hired round-the-clock coders in the Ukraine to put Rory in it.
See?
Whoo!
(funky music plays)
(twinkle)
(chuckles) So cute.
And so expensive.
I've been going hard, too, with the presents for the girls.
I made a down payment on a fully operational crane.
Yeah, the dealer hosed me,
but at least it comes with a 20-foot American flag.
Oh! Emma and Amy are gonna love that.
Picking heavy stuff up, putting heavy stuff down.
Maybe I've gone soft,
but I just can't resist those big, blue peepers.
Today, Emma says to me, "It's us against the world."
Can you believe that?
(chuckling) Wait a minute.
Rory said the exact same thing to me today.
- Ohh. - Ohh.
♪♪
Are we sure this is the look?
My parents would love these pictures,
and that's not what I'm going for.
Hey, maybe we could mix it up.
Miggy, do you know anyone cooler than me?
Where do I live?
In an abandoned doll factory downtown.
Yeah. I know what's hip.
Now, uh, put your fist under your chin like this.
Oh, come on. Just...
- Yeah. Yeah. - (door opens)
Miggy. Miggy!
- Hey. - Do the kids know we're dating?
Oh, yeah. You guys didn't know?
- Oh, my God. - Oh, my --
- Tony, enact the protocol. - This is fine.
- Parents date. - Enact the protocol!
There's a red alert!
I found a receipt for a zero turn mower.
The man's like putty in our hands.
I say we start thinking even bigger.
RORY: Oh.
We won't stop until the three of us
are sucking down Shirley T's on the deck of a Disney Cruise.
POPPY: (clears throat)
Mom. Ah. Look.
It is my beautiful mommy.
I --
(voice breaking) I wuv you.
Save it, Rory Denzel Banks. We know what you kids have been up to.
After all we've done for you, and this is how you draw us?
Why don't you children take a seat?
♪♪
(indistinct conversations)
This place says they have fake snow on their website.
Although, they did not advertise all the dirty underwear in the parking lot.
I mean, at this point, fake snow is better than no snow.
And Graham was born in Las Vegas.
He was? Why?
I was fat and bored and didn't want to be
the only person throwing up on a sidewalk.
Either way, he won't know the difference.
Hello. Good holidays to you.
We're visiting from Los Angeles,
and we're looking for snow.
Then why'd you come to Arrowhead? It's hot as balls here.
Because he is a weatherman.
A weatherman? That's a great scam, man!
Huh. Wish I'd thought of that one.
Scam?
Because of me, you know when to put on a raincoat, bitch.
ANGIE: Okay, let's get down to it.
Are you running the snow machine today?
- Nope. - Well, what if we told you
it'd make a young boy very, very happy?
He's not terminally ill, but he can be, if it helps.
Mm. No, doesn't help.
It's so hot out, it's just gonna melt anyway.
It's not worth my goo.
(sighs)
Alright, hey, hey, Angie.
Do you think maybe it might be time
to consider giving Graham the other thing on his list?
Oh, so we're just handing out daddies at Christmas now?
- And besides, you hate Derek. - I know.
But you know who else drives me nuts? Mia.
But I'm still glad that Sophie has a relationship with her mother,
because it adds extra love to her life,
and shouldn't Graham have that, too?
A dog could be extra love.
Or maybe a really heavy weighted blanket.
Angie, you can get Graham snow or toys or vacations
or a really high-quality sweater shaver,
which is what's on my list this year.
But eventually, he is gonna want to meet his dad,
and if you want to control when and where...
now might not be a bad time.
♪♪
Okay. Yeah.
Message received.
I just...need a minute to marinate on it, okay?
WILL: Of course.
Hey, uh, you like purple?
'Cause, uh, if I don't move these trees,
I'm gonna have to get back into gift card fraud.
Unfortunately, I'm more of a traditional greens guy myself.
You know, I would love to get into the weather racket.
I mean, talk about easy cash.
- (engine revs) - H-H-How do you get into that game?
I refuse to get in my second fistfight ever during Christmas.
Everybody! Get in!
Wait! That's my snow machine!
Mom's gone crazy!
Does this count as kidnapping?
- Angie, what the hell are you doing?! - Just get in!
Diversion!
("Jingle Bells" plays)
(engine revs)
Merry freakin' Christmas!
- (engine sputtering) - Snow!
Snow!
Snow, damn it!
Argh!
Hey! Will, come on.
Kick it. Kick it for Graham.
I'm not gonna kick it, Angie.
We are fugitives.
Before today, my car has only been used for good.
You sullied the Honda.
This is your fault.
You brought us here,
and if this thing doesn't start pooping out snow soon,
I'm not gonna pay you back for the cabin.
You already told me you weren't.
I'm gonna go wash down this petty theft with some hot cocoa!
Just because we're criminals doesn't mean we can't be comfy.
- I'll take one. - Do you want marshmallows?
- Yes, please. - I'll be back!
(grunts)
Mom?
May I talk to you for a second?
Or are you too busy kicking your stolen snow machine?
Wha-- Stolen?
This? Wha?
You think I don't know our house is full of hot goods?
And it's clear you read my letter to Santa.
(scoffs)
Busted.
♪♪
I-I just wanted to give you the best Christmas ever, buddy.
I get it.
I mean...it's not like we can rely on Santa.
I ask him if I can meet my dad every year,
but it never happens.
You do?
You ask him every year?
Yeah.
Even Santa can't make my dad want to meet me.
No.
Graham.
I-I know it may not seem like it,
but your dad actually --
(sirens wailing)
(vehicles approaching)
She did it!
(scoffs)
How dare you three manipulate us for presents!
How dare us?
How dare you!
You've never kept a secret from us before, Dad.
Oh, that's what you think.
My dream is that in your old age, you'll look at each other and say,
"In the end, I knew nothing about that man."
Well, we know you two were kissing in our driveway.
Okay, look, we don't have to define our relationship
for you guys, okay?
We haven't even... defined it for each other.
That's right.
We live in a bubble, and it's very nice.
A bubble?
What kind of cop-out is that?
My mom deserves more than some shadow relationship.
Do you two love each other or not?
(cellphone vibrates)
- (cellphone beeps) - Hello?
Okay. Yes.
A shiv?
Okay.
W-- We'll be right there.
Well, that's a call I always knew I would get.
It's time to bail Cooper and D'Amato out of jail.
Move it! Let's hustle.
Okay, now let's get one in front of my little buddies.
No! I draw the line at little buddies.
Homily, this isn't me.
I know you're the coolest chick on the planet,
but your Christmas card ideas are corny as hell.
Wow.
Wow, Miggy.
You know, I have to say...
it is really sexy that you stood up for yourself just now.
You're not mad?
No, of course not. Art is subjective.
That --
- That is the whole point. - (door opens)
Your pictures ain't art, girl.
Hey, where are you guys going?
Cooper and D'Amato got locked up.
Oh, I am not missing this.
Come on, come on.
(grunts)
- Oh, is it cool if we bounce? - Yes. Have fun.
I'll see you at my Non-Denominational Winter Cookie Party.
Dope.
(Jack giggles)
- Come on, little buddies. - (door closes)
- Let's take one with Mommy! - (door opens)
Pronstroller. Get the hell out of my house.
I can't believe to get the charges dropped,
I had to buy two dozen purple Christmas trees.
I love them.
They're the Rory of trees.
I gotta say, mountain jail was kind of fun.
I helped someone make a knife out of a plastic fork.
Terrific.
Graham? Hey.
Can I talk to you for a minute?
If it's about what I saw in the pokey, I'm processing it pretty well.
Even that pregnant lady.
Oh. No.
Uh...
I just wanted to let you know that...
unlike snow in California...
...meeting your dad isn't impossible.
Yeah, right.
ANGIE: No, Graham.
It's not true that your dad doesn't want to meet you.
I've been in contact with him lately, and it's actually the opposite.
Really?
Yeah.
So, when we get back,
let's make a plan for you two to meet.
♪♪
Thank you, Mom.
(sighing) Oh, man.
I gotta practice my Greek.
Hey. Nice work.
Welcome to the terrifying world
of not being the only adult in your child's life.
Thank you.
Although, you're an adult in his life.
And that's... been pretty great, actually.
(chuckles)
For both of us.
Ditto.
Oh, my God! Snow!
(laughter)
- Oh, my God! - It's magical.
Hello, old friend.
Oh, that's snow.
Let's get out there!
KIDS: Yeah!
(indistinct shouting, laughter)
- AMY: You're gonna eat my snow! - EMMA: No, you're gonna eat my snow now!
Oh, these L.A. kids don't know snow.
Every year in Buffalo,
we'd lose at least three children in a drift.
- (chuckles) - Now, that was snow.
God, I love hearing about your childhood.
(both chuckle)
Hey, I hope the kids didn't put you in your head.
You know, how and when we choose to define this relationship
is completely up to us.
- We can stay in the bubble -- - I love you.
♪♪
I love you, Poppy.
And, uh... I think the kids are right.
Because when you feel this way about someone,
you want the whole world to be your bubble.
I...
I love you, too.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Come here.
Mm!
(all "aww!")
Okay, so, is nobody gonna thank me for this?
Alright, well, how about a quick 10-day forecast, then?
Y'all are gonna be kissing my butt on Monday,
y'all are gonna be kissing my butt on Tuesday,
and you're gonna be kissing my butt
all the way through the weekend, because there's snow!
Being a weatherman is the closest thing to being a god.
(indistinct shouting)
♪♪
Hey, hey, everybody! Circle up! Circle up!
♪♪
Thank you.
♪♪
(camera clicks)
(indistinct shouting, laughter)
♪♪
Oh, yeah.
That's the one.
That's me.
♪♪