1 00:00:00,542 --> 00:00:03,458 [♪♪♪] 2 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 3 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 4 00:00:10,458 --> 00:00:13,709 [notification beep] 5 00:00:19,667 --> 00:00:22,625 [♪♪♪] 6 00:00:25,000 --> 00:00:28,000 [cheers and applause] 7 00:00:30,500 --> 00:00:33,041 [♪♪♪] 8 00:00:49,041 --> 00:00:49,250 - What's happening, y'all? 9 00:00:51,792 --> 00:00:54,000 Wassup, Boston? 10 00:00:54,000 --> 00:00:55,709 [cheers] 11 00:00:55,709 --> 00:00:57,709 Go on, sit down sit down, y'all. 12 00:00:57,709 --> 00:00:59,542 Let's get at it! 13 00:00:59,542 --> 00:01:00,917 Yes, indeed, feedeede. 14 00:01:00,917 --> 00:01:04,166 I had to come to Boston and finish it off 15 00:01:04,166 --> 00:01:08,125 'cause right now, nigga, the world is fucked up, nigga. 16 00:01:08,125 --> 00:01:11,250 Nigga, you got hurricanes the size of Texas, 17 00:01:11,250 --> 00:01:12,208 y'understand me? 18 00:01:12,208 --> 00:01:13,208 And it's attackin' the motherfuckers 19 00:01:13,208 --> 00:01:16,291 that voted for the orange motherfucker. 20 00:01:16,291 --> 00:01:18,208 [applause and cheers] 21 00:01:21,709 --> 00:01:24,250 'Cause y'all know every hurricane start 22 00:01:24,250 --> 00:01:29,041 on the coast of Africa where they picked us up at. 23 00:01:29,041 --> 00:01:31,333 Them ain't hurricanes. Them is ol' nigga's spirits. 24 00:01:31,333 --> 00:01:33,125 You motherfuckers! 25 00:01:33,125 --> 00:01:36,750 [cheers and applause] 26 00:01:36,750 --> 00:01:38,625 It's all about white privilege, nigga. 27 00:01:38,625 --> 00:01:40,792 Don't get it twisted with this orange 28 00:01:40,792 --> 00:01:43,125 avengin' motherfucker they got in the White House. 29 00:01:45,417 --> 00:01:48,000 Yeah, that's what I call him, the Orange Avenger. 30 00:01:50,834 --> 00:01:52,750 'Cause white people want a hero, nigga. 31 00:01:52,750 --> 00:01:53,667 Y'know what I mean? 32 00:01:53,667 --> 00:01:56,583 It's after eight years of Obama, they like 33 00:01:56,583 --> 00:02:01,458 "We need somebody to save us from the tyranny of niggas." 34 00:02:01,458 --> 00:02:04,000 Who is it? The Orange Avenger! 35 00:02:06,709 --> 00:02:08,500 I don't understand you white folks. 36 00:02:08,500 --> 00:02:10,208 Y'all are really some pussy motherfuckers. 37 00:02:10,208 --> 00:02:13,792 I ain't gonna fight with ya or mix words. 38 00:02:13,792 --> 00:02:16,041 I'm not gonna give you an excuse 39 00:02:16,041 --> 00:02:17,500 for your innate ability to be racist motherfuckers 40 00:02:17,500 --> 00:02:21,208 and think everybody else supposed to deal with your shit. 41 00:02:21,208 --> 00:02:23,792 You need to get the fuck over yourself. 42 00:02:23,792 --> 00:02:25,542 [cheers and applause] 43 00:02:25,542 --> 00:02:27,000 Y'all soft. 44 00:02:27,000 --> 00:02:32,333 You couldn't handle eight years of a nigga bein' in charge. 45 00:02:32,333 --> 00:02:34,083 Nigga, we dealt with 450-plus years of you motherfuckers 46 00:02:34,083 --> 00:02:35,792 runnin' this country in the ground. 47 00:02:35,792 --> 00:02:38,500 We didn't go crazy. 48 00:02:38,500 --> 00:02:40,625 [cheers] 49 00:02:40,625 --> 00:02:41,750 Y'understand me? 50 00:02:41,750 --> 00:02:43,583 Y'all fucked it up for 400-plus years. 51 00:02:43,583 --> 00:02:46,125 It only took us eight years to fix it. 52 00:02:47,291 --> 00:02:49,667 Y'all been back for eight or nine months 53 00:02:49,667 --> 00:02:51,041 and fucked it up again. 54 00:02:51,041 --> 00:02:53,750 [cheers and applause] 55 00:02:53,750 --> 00:02:56,959 White people, sometimes you gotta let go and let God. 56 00:02:59,333 --> 00:03:02,834 How you vote for a orange motherfucker? 57 00:03:02,834 --> 00:03:04,458 I thought y'all said y'all hated colored people. 58 00:03:08,125 --> 00:03:10,542 You don't get more colored than this motherfucker. 59 00:03:10,542 --> 00:03:12,917 He orange with pissy yellow hair. 60 00:03:12,917 --> 00:03:14,834 Look like he spent the night at R. Kelly house. 61 00:03:14,834 --> 00:03:18,083 [cheers and applause] 62 00:03:21,500 --> 00:03:23,208 And the motherfucker dirt dumb! 63 00:03:23,208 --> 00:03:25,667 I don't even know if y'all know what dirt dumb is. 64 00:03:25,667 --> 00:03:29,333 This motherfucker is so dumb he had a thought and it hurt. 65 00:03:29,333 --> 00:03:32,667 He lie every time he opens his mouth. 66 00:03:32,667 --> 00:03:35,583 He told broke white people whatever they wanted to hear. 67 00:03:35,583 --> 00:03:37,166 That's how he got they vote. [Man] Yeah! 68 00:03:37,166 --> 00:03:40,333 - All the trailer trash wanna know 69 00:03:40,333 --> 00:03:42,959 is that they better than a nigga. [Man] Yeah. 70 00:03:42,959 --> 00:03:44,333 - Trump promised them everything. 71 00:03:44,333 --> 00:03:47,208 "I promise you gonna be better than the nigga." 72 00:03:47,208 --> 00:03:49,875 "Trump said we gonna be better than a nigga. 73 00:03:49,875 --> 00:03:52,375 I'm gonna be better than that Jagger-Jagger nigga. 74 00:03:52,375 --> 00:03:55,000 I'm gonna be better than that Diddy-Diddy nigga. 75 00:03:55,000 --> 00:03:57,375 I'm gonna be better than that Griffin nigga. 76 00:03:57,375 --> 00:03:59,000 [shouting] Better than a nigga." 77 00:03:59,000 --> 00:04:01,250 Y'ain't better than a nigga yet, are you? 78 00:04:01,250 --> 00:04:03,375 And then he promised them a wall. 79 00:04:03,375 --> 00:04:05,166 Where y'all wall at, white folks? 80 00:04:06,250 --> 00:04:08,625 What happened to the wall? Where is this-- 81 00:04:08,625 --> 00:04:10,375 There's no wall. 82 00:04:10,375 --> 00:04:12,917 'Cause the wall ain't comin', you stupid motherfuckers. 83 00:04:15,417 --> 00:04:16,542 And he always talking that shit, 84 00:04:16,542 --> 00:04:20,250 "Well, China built the Great Wall of China." 85 00:04:20,250 --> 00:04:22,375 Here's what this orange motherfucker don't understand. 86 00:04:22,375 --> 00:04:25,959 There's about one trillion Chinese. 87 00:04:25,959 --> 00:04:28,417 If each one of them grab a brick and toss it: wall. 88 00:04:31,583 --> 00:04:34,250 It wasn't that hard. It probably took 35 seconds. 89 00:04:35,583 --> 00:04:39,083 There's only 270 million Americans. 90 00:04:39,083 --> 00:04:41,125 Most of us are incarcerated. 91 00:04:42,375 --> 00:04:44,542 We ain't got enough motherfuckers outta jail 92 00:04:44,542 --> 00:04:46,208 to pick up a brick! 93 00:04:46,208 --> 00:04:48,500 And let's say they actually gave this fool 94 00:04:48,500 --> 00:04:50,667 the billions of dollars it would cost 95 00:04:50,667 --> 00:04:51,917 to build this monstrosity. 96 00:04:51,917 --> 00:04:54,625 Nigga, let me show you how easy it is 97 00:04:54,625 --> 00:04:57,959 for a Mexican to circumvent this shit. 98 00:04:57,959 --> 00:05:00,291 The wall's gonna end on the coast, right? 99 00:05:00,291 --> 00:05:01,417 California. 100 00:05:01,417 --> 00:05:03,625 That means it's gonna end at the ocean. 101 00:05:03,625 --> 00:05:05,375 Here's all the Mexican gotta do... 102 00:05:13,041 --> 00:05:15,709 Walk right around that motherfucker. 103 00:05:15,709 --> 00:05:19,625 They so racist they stupid. You can't stop a Mexican. 104 00:05:20,792 --> 00:05:24,625 Shit. Nigga, I got a Mexican. You're not gettin' mine. 105 00:05:24,625 --> 00:05:26,792 Every nigga in here got a Mexican. 106 00:05:26,792 --> 00:05:30,458 No black man has cut our own yard since '94, '95. 107 00:05:30,458 --> 00:05:33,750 A Mexican will cut a football field, nigga. 108 00:05:33,750 --> 00:05:34,750 Five dollars. 109 00:05:34,750 --> 00:05:36,917 Ask a nigga to cut some grass. 110 00:05:36,917 --> 00:05:39,000 We go, "I'll cut your motherfuckin' throat." 111 00:05:40,333 --> 00:05:42,166 "Nigga, I sell dope. I make ten G's a day. 112 00:05:42,166 --> 00:05:43,458 Bitch, what's your problem? 113 00:05:43,458 --> 00:05:46,500 Fuck outta here with that fuckboy shit." 114 00:05:48,166 --> 00:05:50,291 Let me explain somethin' to you. 115 00:05:50,291 --> 00:05:53,458 You better hope the Mexicans don't go nowhere. 116 00:05:53,458 --> 00:05:57,458 They pick all the vegetables, all the fruits. 117 00:05:57,458 --> 00:05:59,000 Nigga, they'll pick a whole field for 25 cents. 118 00:05:59,000 --> 00:06:03,000 [applause] 119 00:06:03,000 --> 00:06:05,208 You get rid of Mexicans, nigga, 120 00:06:05,208 --> 00:06:08,083 your carrot is gonna cost $3,000. 121 00:06:10,834 --> 00:06:14,166 Salads is goin' up to $1,500, nigga. 122 00:06:14,166 --> 00:06:16,208 And if you motherfuckers think a nigga is goin' back 123 00:06:16,208 --> 00:06:18,834 to pick anything... 124 00:06:18,834 --> 00:06:21,041 [cheers and applause] 125 00:06:21,041 --> 00:06:24,083 My pickin' years are over, motherfucker! 126 00:06:24,083 --> 00:06:25,083 [cheers] 127 00:06:25,083 --> 00:06:28,667 All we gonna do is pick what side of the jaw 128 00:06:28,667 --> 00:06:29,583 to crack you in, you motherfucker. 129 00:06:33,417 --> 00:06:37,041 Nigga, we had the smartest president 130 00:06:37,041 --> 00:06:38,875 in the history of this country. 131 00:06:38,875 --> 00:06:40,667 [Woman] Yes! - With Barack Obama. 132 00:06:40,667 --> 00:06:44,291 [cheers and applause] 133 00:06:44,291 --> 00:06:47,458 If you don't agree with that statement, pffft, go home, 134 00:06:47,458 --> 00:06:50,500 look in the mirror, you a racist motherfucker. 135 00:06:50,500 --> 00:06:53,875 Barack Obama taught law at Harvard University. 136 00:06:53,875 --> 00:06:55,375 Harvard, the number one law school on Earth. 137 00:06:55,375 --> 00:06:58,500 That mean that nigga's the law. 138 00:06:59,750 --> 00:07:02,417 That's why Congress couldn't fade him for eight years, nigga. 139 00:07:02,417 --> 00:07:03,500 He's smarter than all of them. 140 00:07:03,500 --> 00:07:07,041 "This nigga's a different kind." 141 00:07:07,041 --> 00:07:09,041 "This one here's a thinker." 142 00:07:11,500 --> 00:07:13,250 "What ya gonna do about it?" 143 00:07:13,250 --> 00:07:16,417 "Not a goddamn thing!" 144 00:07:16,417 --> 00:07:18,709 "We ain't gonna do shit for eight years, 145 00:07:18,709 --> 00:07:21,875 and we ain't gonna give this jigaboo an extra dollar." 146 00:07:23,542 --> 00:07:26,500 They didn't give that brotha an extra dollar for eight years. 147 00:07:26,500 --> 00:07:27,667 And he still balanced the budget. 148 00:07:30,125 --> 00:07:32,583 'Cause you white folks forgot somethin' about us niggas. 149 00:07:32,583 --> 00:07:36,583 Niggas know how to do the most with the least. 150 00:07:36,583 --> 00:07:39,083 [cheers and applause] 151 00:07:39,083 --> 00:07:42,083 [whistles] 152 00:07:42,083 --> 00:07:43,834 See, Barack treated the whole country 153 00:07:43,834 --> 00:07:46,000 like a nigga treat our household budget. 154 00:07:46,000 --> 00:07:48,959 You go on, now niggas know how to move money. 155 00:07:48,959 --> 00:07:50,291 "You gonna pay that?" 156 00:07:50,291 --> 00:07:51,750 "No, nigga move that over there." 157 00:07:52,792 --> 00:07:54,959 "Ain't you gonna pay the gas bill?" 158 00:07:54,959 --> 00:07:56,417 "Fuck no! It's summertime. Pay the electric bill. 159 00:07:56,417 --> 00:07:57,792 We need the air conditioning. 160 00:07:59,959 --> 00:08:02,625 If ya' pay the gas bill in the wintertime, motherfucker. 161 00:08:02,625 --> 00:08:03,875 We need the heat. 162 00:08:03,875 --> 00:08:04,834 Priorities, motherfucker. 163 00:08:04,834 --> 00:08:05,750 Priorities." 164 00:08:08,250 --> 00:08:09,417 They hated Obama, nigga, 165 00:08:09,417 --> 00:08:12,458 because he was everything they wished they could be. 166 00:08:12,458 --> 00:08:15,000 [Man] That's right. - Nigga, Obama has swag, nigga. 167 00:08:15,000 --> 00:08:17,333 [Man] Yeah. - Obama walk in the room. 168 00:08:17,333 --> 00:08:18,917 Nigga, the room shut down. 169 00:08:18,917 --> 00:08:19,750 [screech noise] 170 00:08:19,750 --> 00:08:23,709 The nigga had jokes for that ass. 171 00:08:23,709 --> 00:08:27,333 We had the finest First Lady. [Audience] Yeah! 172 00:08:27,333 --> 00:08:28,917 - In the history of this motherfuckin' country. 173 00:08:28,917 --> 00:08:35,000 In my humble opinion. If Michelle, so motherfuckin' fine, 174 00:08:35,000 --> 00:08:37,166 intelligent nigga. Chocolate mother. 175 00:08:37,166 --> 00:08:38,375 She had an ass, nigga... 176 00:08:38,375 --> 00:08:42,500 You know what I mean? It's the first time there was an ass 177 00:08:42,500 --> 00:08:44,208 in that goddamn raggedy White House. 178 00:08:45,834 --> 00:08:49,458 She was too much a queen to even be in that fucked-up shit. 179 00:08:49,458 --> 00:08:53,000 Every time she walked out the front door of the White House, 180 00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:53,709 nigga, the whole country said, "Goddamn!" 181 00:08:55,625 --> 00:08:57,834 Secret Service used to walk behind her. 182 00:08:57,834 --> 00:09:00,166 "Here, let me carry that, help you. 183 00:09:00,166 --> 00:09:01,500 Help you carry that." 184 00:09:02,667 --> 00:09:07,208 Now you got this flat booty, ironin' board back Trump wife. 185 00:09:07,208 --> 00:09:08,750 Nigga, she ain't got no ass at all. 186 00:09:08,750 --> 00:09:11,792 She come out, the whole country like, "Whatever." 187 00:09:13,041 --> 00:09:15,166 Secret Service standin' next to her and, 188 00:09:15,166 --> 00:09:17,375 "Hmmpf, there's nothin' back there to guard." 189 00:09:17,375 --> 00:09:20,000 "Come on. When I move, you move just like that." 190 00:09:25,208 --> 00:09:28,041 I don't even think she's Trump's wife. 191 00:09:28,041 --> 00:09:32,000 Yeah, you better see in to CNN. Come with me for a minute. 192 00:09:32,000 --> 00:09:36,375 I think this bitch is Putin's number one KGB female agent. 193 00:09:36,375 --> 00:09:38,625 [cheers and applause] 194 00:09:38,625 --> 00:09:41,542 'Cause I know a killer when I see one. 195 00:09:41,542 --> 00:09:45,083 I grew up in the projects. That bitch got a 40-yard stare. 196 00:09:45,083 --> 00:09:46,417 She done killed before. 197 00:09:46,417 --> 00:09:48,667 She got a lotta bodies on her, nigga. 198 00:09:48,667 --> 00:09:50,834 You can look at that bitch stare. 199 00:09:50,834 --> 00:09:52,959 Nigga, she on assignment like a motherfucker. 200 00:09:52,959 --> 00:09:54,250 Hell yeah, niggas. 201 00:09:54,250 --> 00:09:56,792 'Cause she front his ass off every chance she get. 202 00:09:56,792 --> 00:09:59,000 He be tryin' to shake her hand, 203 00:09:59,000 --> 00:10:01,250 she be like, "Don't you touch me. 204 00:10:01,250 --> 00:10:02,750 You're the worst assignment I've ever been given. 205 00:10:02,750 --> 00:10:06,333 I'm waiting on Vladimir to give me the call. 206 00:10:06,333 --> 00:10:08,208 I'll kill your orange ass in your sleep." 207 00:10:08,208 --> 00:10:10,458 [applause] 208 00:10:10,458 --> 00:10:12,583 That's why that motherfucker don't sleep, nigga. 209 00:10:12,583 --> 00:10:14,417 He up late Tweetin' like a motherfucker, 210 00:10:14,417 --> 00:10:14,709 "Help me. Help me." 211 00:10:17,291 --> 00:10:19,458 There's a Jerry Springer show goin' on in 212 00:10:19,458 --> 00:10:20,792 that goddamn White House. 213 00:10:20,792 --> 00:10:22,917 I don't know what you ooohin' for. 214 00:10:22,917 --> 00:10:26,000 He said it hisself on TV. [Man] Yes, he did! 215 00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:27,250 - Didn't this motherfucker? 216 00:10:27,250 --> 00:10:29,458 He said, "Nigga, if that wasn't my daughter, 217 00:10:29,458 --> 00:10:31,291 she's so fine, we'd be fuckin'." 218 00:10:31,291 --> 00:10:32,375 I got three daughters. 219 00:10:32,375 --> 00:10:35,583 Every man in here that got a daughter, nigga, 220 00:10:35,583 --> 00:10:37,750 you don't look at your daughter sexually. 221 00:10:37,750 --> 00:10:40,750 The fact that that came outta that maggot motherfucker's brain 222 00:10:40,750 --> 00:10:43,458 lets you know what kinda sick individual you fuckin' with. 223 00:10:43,458 --> 00:10:46,625 [cheers and applause] 224 00:10:51,125 --> 00:10:54,333 Let me explain somethin' to my white friends here. 225 00:10:54,333 --> 00:10:58,166 Y'all don't really know or appreciate how lucky you were 226 00:10:58,166 --> 00:11:01,291 that Obama was the first black president. 227 00:11:01,291 --> 00:11:06,166 That is truly the nicest nigga America could produce. 228 00:11:08,166 --> 00:11:14,959 For if it was any other nigga in here, including me... 229 00:11:14,959 --> 00:11:18,083 Day one of the Griffin Administration, 230 00:11:18,083 --> 00:11:19,875 right after the inniggaration... 231 00:11:19,875 --> 00:11:21,667 [cheers] 232 00:11:21,667 --> 00:11:23,542 White slavery! 233 00:11:23,542 --> 00:11:24,959 [cord cracking] 234 00:11:27,917 --> 00:11:31,250 Payback's a bitch! 235 00:11:31,250 --> 00:11:34,333 Y'all'd've been some cotton-pickin' motherfuckers. 236 00:11:34,333 --> 00:11:36,000 Under that Griffin Administration. 237 00:11:36,000 --> 00:11:40,500 Now don't get me wrong. I'd be nice to my white slaves. 238 00:11:40,500 --> 00:11:41,875 I'd let y'all pick cotton at night. 239 00:11:44,583 --> 00:11:45,834 That way your skin don't burn up. 240 00:11:48,208 --> 00:11:51,667 You got to let your white slaves work the night shift. 241 00:11:51,667 --> 00:11:54,875 As soon as the sun go down, "Goddammit, here we go again!" 242 00:11:57,750 --> 00:12:00,875 And let's keep it 100, y'all. 243 00:12:00,875 --> 00:12:04,709 I think white people coulda been slaves for about five minutes. 244 00:12:04,709 --> 00:12:06,375 No, they too arrogant, nigga. 245 00:12:06,375 --> 00:12:09,458 They'd be out in the field, "This is some fuckin' bullshit! 246 00:12:11,041 --> 00:12:14,375 Do you have any sunscreen? I'm fuckin' peelin'! 247 00:12:14,375 --> 00:12:18,709 It's fuckin' hot, master. It's fuckin' hot. 248 00:12:18,709 --> 00:12:21,166 I'm gonna sue you, master nigga. 249 00:12:21,166 --> 00:12:22,917 I'm gonna sue you, master." 250 00:12:22,917 --> 00:12:24,750 [laughs] 251 00:12:24,750 --> 00:12:25,625 [hand hitting mic] 252 00:12:26,959 --> 00:12:30,625 Nigga, the black slave owners come out on their porch. 253 00:12:33,250 --> 00:12:35,875 "Go on and let 'em go. 254 00:12:35,875 --> 00:12:38,000 They didn't pick nothin' no goddamn way. 255 00:12:38,000 --> 00:12:40,542 All they do is lay on the ground 256 00:12:40,542 --> 00:12:43,375 and bitch about how hot it is. 257 00:12:43,375 --> 00:12:45,000 Them motherfuckers keep singin' outta tune. 258 00:12:47,583 --> 00:12:48,959 Don't nobody wanna hear that shit." 259 00:12:55,250 --> 00:12:58,250 'Cause nigga, when we were indentured servants 260 00:12:58,250 --> 00:13:01,375 out in that hot motherfuckin' sun pickin' cotton, 261 00:13:01,375 --> 00:13:04,250 we wasn't on the ground bitchin' about the heat. 262 00:13:04,250 --> 00:13:06,458 Them brothas and sistas were strong, nigga. 263 00:13:06,458 --> 00:13:09,083 Nigga, they still had a song in their heart. 264 00:13:09,083 --> 00:13:11,500 They was out there singin' their ass off. 265 00:13:17,208 --> 00:13:20,083 ♪ Jesus why ♪ 266 00:13:20,083 --> 00:13:25,792 ♪ Come on down and kill that honky Jesus ♪ 267 00:13:25,792 --> 00:13:26,083 Y'all remember that one? 268 00:13:28,625 --> 00:13:30,125 Nigga, that was a Top Ten Negro spiritual. 269 00:13:32,375 --> 00:13:33,834 Fuck y'all, nigga. 270 00:13:33,834 --> 00:13:36,375 That motherfucker went quadruple cotton. 271 00:13:37,333 --> 00:13:39,750 See, we didn't have platinum back then. 272 00:13:40,917 --> 00:13:43,792 [sigh] I see some of you motherfuckers lookin' at me 273 00:13:43,792 --> 00:13:46,041 like, "He gonna sing 'Go Down, Moses.'" 274 00:13:46,041 --> 00:13:48,625 I don't go back that far. 275 00:13:48,625 --> 00:13:49,375 I sing "Kill That Honky." 276 00:13:49,375 --> 00:13:52,250 [laughs] 277 00:13:52,250 --> 00:13:54,834 Nigga, if you had white slaves out in the field singin', 278 00:13:54,834 --> 00:13:57,750 they'd be fuckin' a good song up. 279 00:14:02,792 --> 00:14:05,166 ♪ "Fuckin' ain't right ♪ 280 00:14:05,166 --> 00:14:08,166 ♪ Oh no yeah right kee-kee-kee-ha" ♪ 281 00:14:09,625 --> 00:14:12,125 Nigga, the black master come out on his porch, 282 00:14:12,125 --> 00:14:14,125 "What that motherfucker singin'? 283 00:14:14,125 --> 00:14:17,917 Oh, no! Fuck that. Kill that motherfucker. 284 00:14:17,917 --> 00:14:20,333 Ain't no devil worshippin' on this plantation. 285 00:14:20,333 --> 00:14:23,333 This here the Lord's plantation, motherfucker. 286 00:14:23,333 --> 00:14:24,166 What the fuck is a kee-kee-kee-ha? 287 00:14:26,625 --> 00:14:27,542 Now clear out. 288 00:14:27,542 --> 00:14:30,500 I'll pick the cotton my goddamn self." 289 00:14:30,500 --> 00:14:33,500 "Hey, hey, slow down, nigga. Slow your ass down. 290 00:14:33,500 --> 00:14:35,000 Now don't you touch that big-booty white girl." 291 00:14:35,000 --> 00:14:38,709 "No, master, I was right here on my porch. 292 00:14:38,709 --> 00:14:40,792 I swear that she didn't do nothin'. 293 00:14:40,792 --> 00:14:43,083 As for the rest of them. Get them. 294 00:14:43,083 --> 00:14:45,458 Leave that big-booty white girl alone. 295 00:14:45,458 --> 00:14:47,250 Master Dick don't discriminate. 296 00:14:48,875 --> 00:14:52,083 Now, I don't like 'em, but my dick say they all right." 297 00:14:54,542 --> 00:14:56,333 "Come right this way. Come on. 298 00:14:56,333 --> 00:14:57,166 Now get on in there. 299 00:14:57,166 --> 00:14:59,458 We gonna make some little niglets." 300 00:15:04,750 --> 00:15:07,834 'Cause what's ailin' our beautiful country is racism. 301 00:15:07,834 --> 00:15:08,750 [Woman] Yes! 302 00:15:08,750 --> 00:15:12,959 - Pussy can cure racism. It has already. 303 00:15:12,959 --> 00:15:16,208 You wanna fix this country, start fuckin'! 304 00:15:16,208 --> 00:15:17,709 If you don't believe me, it's already happenin'. 305 00:15:17,709 --> 00:15:19,041 Look around the room. 306 00:15:19,041 --> 00:15:21,041 There go two of them right there. 307 00:15:23,917 --> 00:15:25,542 That white boy gave up. 308 00:15:25,542 --> 00:15:27,417 "Oh, fuck it. I'm with the niggas." 309 00:15:29,458 --> 00:15:32,083 'Cause pussy cure racism, man. 310 00:15:32,083 --> 00:15:34,959 That redneck motherfucker be talkin' careshit. 311 00:15:34,959 --> 00:15:38,417 "Who bein' fucked by a nigga? Fuck them porch monkeys." 312 00:15:38,417 --> 00:15:41,417 That motherfucker get some of that chocolate pussy... 313 00:15:47,500 --> 00:15:51,083 [groans and moans] 314 00:15:55,000 --> 00:15:55,792 "Well, you know they're human." 315 00:15:55,792 --> 00:15:59,792 [cheers and applause] 316 00:15:59,792 --> 00:16:00,917 [laughs] 317 00:16:00,917 --> 00:16:02,917 Nigga be talkin' careshit. 318 00:16:02,917 --> 00:16:04,542 "Man, fuck them honky motherfuckers. 319 00:16:04,542 --> 00:16:06,542 I don't trust them crackers." 320 00:16:06,542 --> 00:16:08,208 Nigga gets some of that kink-pink. 321 00:16:13,208 --> 00:16:16,417 You know we got a longer stroke, nigga. 322 00:16:16,417 --> 00:16:20,083 [applause] 323 00:16:28,959 --> 00:16:31,417 Nigga, there's this ol' sayin'. 324 00:16:31,417 --> 00:16:33,959 I'm sure the older brothas and sistas in here 325 00:16:33,959 --> 00:16:35,625 done heard it before me, 326 00:16:35,625 --> 00:16:38,000 and it still holds water today, nigga. 327 00:16:38,000 --> 00:16:40,792 If God made somethin' better than pussy, 328 00:16:40,792 --> 00:16:43,417 he kept it for himself. 329 00:16:43,417 --> 00:16:45,333 [applause] 330 00:16:45,333 --> 00:16:50,500 Nigga, I don't think there's a man in this room on this Earth 331 00:16:50,500 --> 00:16:53,000 that can handle somethin' better than pussy. 332 00:16:53,000 --> 00:16:54,291 Pussy already break your wallet. 333 00:16:56,667 --> 00:16:58,500 Dicks don't break purses. 334 00:17:00,542 --> 00:17:05,000 Countries have gone to war over pussy. 335 00:17:05,000 --> 00:17:07,083 There are no dick wars. 336 00:17:08,667 --> 00:17:12,125 Pussy will leave with your house. 337 00:17:12,125 --> 00:17:14,208 I don't think you hear me. 338 00:17:14,208 --> 00:17:15,792 There's a bitch walkin' outta a courtroom right now 339 00:17:15,792 --> 00:17:17,834 somewhere on Earth 340 00:17:17,834 --> 00:17:20,667 with a brand-new house after the divorce. 341 00:17:20,667 --> 00:17:22,834 That bitch walk out, "Girl, what you get?" 342 00:17:22,834 --> 00:17:24,166 "I got the house." 343 00:17:26,375 --> 00:17:30,250 You ain't never seen dick walk outta courtroom with shit! 344 00:17:30,250 --> 00:17:32,000 "Hey, my dude, what you get?" 345 00:17:32,000 --> 00:17:33,250 "Nigga, I gotta get a job. 346 00:17:35,417 --> 00:17:36,834 Yeah. I gotta pay alimony. 347 00:17:36,834 --> 00:17:39,542 Mony, mony, child support. 348 00:17:39,542 --> 00:17:41,208 I ain't even gettin' the pussy no more, man!" 349 00:17:47,834 --> 00:17:50,709 Pussy get free shit. 350 00:17:50,709 --> 00:17:52,917 No woman in my audience tonight 351 00:17:52,917 --> 00:17:56,458 shoulda bought a motherfuckin' ticket to my show. 352 00:17:56,458 --> 00:17:57,834 Pussy get free shit. 353 00:17:57,834 --> 00:17:58,917 Look at the dumb bitches in here, 354 00:17:58,917 --> 00:18:01,291 "I'm doin' it all wrong." 355 00:18:01,291 --> 00:18:02,375 You sure is, you stupid motherfucker. 356 00:18:03,875 --> 00:18:07,083 Pussy get free shit! 357 00:18:07,083 --> 00:18:09,333 "Hey, baby, I wanna see Eddie Griffin. 358 00:18:09,333 --> 00:18:13,667 Give me 240 nigga tickets. My pussy wanna laugh." 359 00:18:13,667 --> 00:18:14,583 "I'm hungry." 360 00:18:14,583 --> 00:18:17,542 "Feed my pussy. Whatever it want, on me. 361 00:18:17,542 --> 00:18:19,083 I got it." 362 00:18:19,083 --> 00:18:20,667 "I wanna see a movie." 363 00:18:20,667 --> 00:18:23,083 "Two tickets for the pussy, please. 364 00:18:23,083 --> 00:18:26,458 Give the pussy some popcorn, too. 365 00:18:26,458 --> 00:18:28,250 Small Coke. The bitch got diabetes. 366 00:18:28,250 --> 00:18:30,417 I don't want her dyin' on me." 367 00:18:30,417 --> 00:18:31,291 [cheers and applause] 368 00:18:31,291 --> 00:18:34,000 [laughs] 369 00:18:36,917 --> 00:18:39,750 Pussy get free shit! 370 00:18:39,750 --> 00:18:41,250 Dick don't get shit free. 371 00:18:41,250 --> 00:18:43,750 Nigga, ask your woman for somethin' to eat. 372 00:18:43,750 --> 00:18:45,250 "Look in the 'frigerator, nigga. Somethin' in there." 373 00:18:45,250 --> 00:18:48,583 "Hey, baby, I'd like to see a movie." 374 00:18:48,583 --> 00:18:50,458 "We got cable, nigga. Turn it on." 375 00:18:51,333 --> 00:18:55,041 The only time dick gets free shit 376 00:18:55,041 --> 00:18:58,917 is when you come off the ceiling on the pussy. 377 00:18:59,750 --> 00:19:01,917 Now I see you young motherfuckers 378 00:19:01,917 --> 00:19:04,750 lookin' at me like, "Oh, hey, what's that mean?" 379 00:19:04,750 --> 00:19:08,542 The older brothas in here, like, "You know it, nigga." 380 00:19:08,542 --> 00:19:12,417 When you come off the ceiling, you young motherfuckers, 381 00:19:12,417 --> 00:19:16,625 that's when you go up so high on the upstroke, 382 00:19:16,625 --> 00:19:18,375 the ceiling fan smack you in the ass. 383 00:19:22,375 --> 00:19:23,542 You gotta beat a pussy up, nigga. 384 00:19:23,542 --> 00:19:25,834 [cheers] 385 00:19:25,834 --> 00:19:29,166 You gotta hit that motherfucker in the mouth. Wham! 386 00:19:29,166 --> 00:19:31,667 You gotta swell that bitch up, nigga. 387 00:19:33,750 --> 00:19:37,000 You gotta make it look like a wasp's nest stung it. 388 00:19:39,000 --> 00:19:41,291 Nigga, you gotta give pussy a ten count. 389 00:19:44,834 --> 00:19:48,250 Pussy out! 390 00:19:49,500 --> 00:19:52,000 If you did it right, that bitch gotta soak in some Epsom salt 391 00:19:52,000 --> 00:19:53,458 for a couple of days. 392 00:19:55,667 --> 00:19:57,000 And look at the little-dick motherfuckers in here. 393 00:19:57,000 --> 00:19:58,291 "It really happen like that?" 394 00:20:00,709 --> 00:20:02,500 Yeah, little motherfucker. 395 00:20:06,208 --> 00:20:08,667 Nigga, I'm handlin' my business. 396 00:20:08,667 --> 00:20:12,041 You know, I ain't gonna sit up here and brag, nigga, 397 00:20:12,041 --> 00:20:13,917 but you know, I get return visits. 398 00:20:17,041 --> 00:20:19,166 You know when you doin' somethin', nigga. 399 00:20:19,166 --> 00:20:21,625 You fly into their town or country... 400 00:20:21,625 --> 00:20:23,041 'cause I'm an international nigga. 401 00:20:23,041 --> 00:20:24,250 I get around. 402 00:20:25,542 --> 00:20:30,500 [laughs] And they like, "You with anybody tonight? 403 00:20:30,500 --> 00:20:33,375 You wanna reminisce?" 404 00:20:33,375 --> 00:20:34,709 'Cause you done put that... 405 00:20:38,875 --> 00:20:40,125 I'm handlin' my nigga. 406 00:20:40,125 --> 00:20:42,709 Before I flew out here to shoot this, nigga, 407 00:20:42,709 --> 00:20:44,917 my wife's sittin' in the kitchen, nigga, 408 00:20:44,917 --> 00:20:48,417 and she said, "Yeah, I wish I could cut your dick off 409 00:20:48,417 --> 00:20:49,333 before you leave." 410 00:20:49,333 --> 00:20:50,959 I said, "Excuse me?" 411 00:20:50,959 --> 00:20:54,583 I was in a state of shock, too, nigga. I just backed up. 412 00:20:54,583 --> 00:20:57,250 You know, the bitch had a knife in her hand. 413 00:20:57,250 --> 00:20:58,583 She was cookin', but fuck the dumb shit. 414 00:20:58,583 --> 00:21:00,208 I ain't takin' no chance. 415 00:21:00,208 --> 00:21:03,125 I said, "So what the fuck is that all about?" 416 00:21:03,125 --> 00:21:06,709 She like, "That way I know when you get to Boston, nigga, 417 00:21:06,709 --> 00:21:09,125 you just filmin', not out there fuckin' around. 418 00:21:09,125 --> 00:21:11,750 I'm tired of you comin' home with new children." 419 00:21:11,750 --> 00:21:15,208 [chatter and laughter] 420 00:21:15,208 --> 00:21:17,917 I didn't have no answer for that new. 421 00:21:17,917 --> 00:21:20,875 I got ten kids, nigga. I ain't tellin' on myself. 422 00:21:20,875 --> 00:21:22,750 Quieter than a motherfucker. 423 00:21:22,750 --> 00:21:24,250 I was mad, too, nigga. 424 00:21:24,250 --> 00:21:25,917 I'm sittin' in the kitchen. 425 00:21:25,917 --> 00:21:28,542 "This bitch ain't gonna hit me with a zinger. 426 00:21:28,542 --> 00:21:30,667 I'm the comedian in this motherfuckin' family. 427 00:21:30,667 --> 00:21:32,792 I'm the nigga that tell the jokes. 428 00:21:32,792 --> 00:21:33,959 You don't hit me with a one-liner 429 00:21:33,959 --> 00:21:36,792 and shut me the fuck up. 430 00:21:36,792 --> 00:21:39,834 Shit, who the fuck do you think you is, bitch? 431 00:21:39,834 --> 00:21:40,917 You outta your motherfuckin' mind. 432 00:21:40,917 --> 00:21:43,834 I'll fuck you..." Said all that shit to myself. 433 00:21:44,750 --> 00:21:48,625 She had the knife in her hand. I ain't stupid, you know. 434 00:21:48,625 --> 00:21:50,208 I almost missed the flight gettin' here, nigga, 435 00:21:50,208 --> 00:21:52,583 because I hate losin', nigga. 436 00:21:52,583 --> 00:21:54,875 I don't know how to lose, nigga. 437 00:21:54,875 --> 00:21:58,375 So, nigga, I'm sittin' there 'til my brain turned back on. 438 00:21:58,375 --> 00:22:01,792 I'm like, "This bitch ain't just gonna leave me with this shit." 439 00:22:01,792 --> 00:22:03,917 Nigga, my brain finally turned back on. 440 00:22:03,917 --> 00:22:05,458 Said, "What you got against kids? 441 00:22:06,291 --> 00:22:08,208 Just 'cause they ain't yours?" 442 00:22:08,208 --> 00:22:11,625 That bitch threw that knife, nigga. 443 00:22:11,625 --> 00:22:13,458 And see, I made it here safely. 444 00:22:15,208 --> 00:22:17,959 I was thinkin' about the shit on the flight, nigga. 445 00:22:17,959 --> 00:22:19,041 I said, "Damn." 446 00:22:19,041 --> 00:22:22,125 Now all this time I thought she was gettin' upset 447 00:22:22,125 --> 00:22:24,750 over stupid shit 'cause I live in Vegas, nigga. 448 00:22:24,750 --> 00:22:25,500 Like comin' home the next afternoon." 449 00:22:28,625 --> 00:22:30,375 I'm tryin' to win my money back, nigga. 450 00:22:30,375 --> 00:22:33,458 And immediately she think a nigga fuckin'. 451 00:22:33,458 --> 00:22:34,792 "You out there fuckin'." 452 00:22:34,792 --> 00:22:35,875 "Not all the time." 453 00:22:38,291 --> 00:22:39,500 I'm an honest nigga. Not all the time. 454 00:22:41,417 --> 00:22:44,166 Nigga, I was thinkin' about it. 455 00:22:44,166 --> 00:22:46,291 Nigga, I said, "Nigga, it's the dickin'." 456 00:22:46,291 --> 00:22:49,500 This whole time I'm thinkin' this shit is about time. 457 00:22:49,500 --> 00:22:52,500 Fellas, it ain't about time. It's about the dickin'. 458 00:22:52,500 --> 00:22:55,834 See, if you dick her down properly, 459 00:22:55,834 --> 00:22:57,291 now the Knights of the Round Table know 460 00:22:57,291 --> 00:22:58,709 what I'm talkin' about. 461 00:22:58,709 --> 00:23:01,417 You little-dick motherfuckers, just think about it. 462 00:23:03,000 --> 00:23:04,375 But if you dick her down properly, 463 00:23:04,375 --> 00:23:08,375 her brain becomes dicktified. 464 00:23:08,375 --> 00:23:09,875 Root word, addickted. 465 00:23:09,875 --> 00:23:13,375 Nigga, all she think about is your dick 24 hours a day. 466 00:23:13,375 --> 00:23:16,208 Nigga, you walk outta your house, 467 00:23:16,208 --> 00:23:18,041 that bitch like, "The dick is leavin'. 468 00:23:19,000 --> 00:23:20,500 Who the dick leavin' with? 469 00:23:20,500 --> 00:23:23,834 You know, when you left here yesterday, 470 00:23:23,834 --> 00:23:26,208 I called the dick on the phone. The dick didn't answer. 471 00:23:26,208 --> 00:23:28,583 What is the dick doin'?" 472 00:23:28,583 --> 00:23:30,750 Nigga, if you dick 'em down proper, 473 00:23:30,750 --> 00:23:33,625 you take three steps outta your house, 474 00:23:33,625 --> 00:23:36,542 a female mind immediately comes up with scenarios 475 00:23:36,542 --> 00:23:40,542 that have nothin' to do with reality. 476 00:23:40,542 --> 00:23:44,542 Nigga, you go uno, dos, tres, "Bye, baby." 477 00:23:44,542 --> 00:23:47,959 "Hold it, nigga. Who you think you foolin'? 478 00:23:47,959 --> 00:23:49,875 You think I'm stupid, don't ya? 479 00:23:49,875 --> 00:23:51,709 Talkin' about you goin' to shoot. 480 00:23:51,709 --> 00:23:55,333 Pool, Eddie. Ain't nobody shot pool since 1973. 481 00:23:57,500 --> 00:23:58,667 You out there fuckin', you little black motherfucker!" 482 00:24:02,333 --> 00:24:03,542 I started thinkin' about this shit. 483 00:24:03,542 --> 00:24:08,083 Fellas, if we had detachable dicks, 484 00:24:08,083 --> 00:24:09,709 and ladies, be honest with your motherfuckin' self, 485 00:24:09,709 --> 00:24:13,417 y'all wouldn't give a fuck if we ever came in. 486 00:24:14,709 --> 00:24:16,959 Nigga, we could stay gone for a week, 487 00:24:16,959 --> 00:24:18,083 two weeks maybe. 488 00:24:18,083 --> 00:24:19,583 Her girlfriend will come over. 489 00:24:19,583 --> 00:24:21,291 "I ain't seen your husband. 490 00:24:21,291 --> 00:24:24,417 Every time I come over here, that nigga ain't here. 491 00:24:24,417 --> 00:24:26,750 Did y'all get into an argument or somethin'? 492 00:24:26,750 --> 00:24:28,125 Y'all get a divorce?" 493 00:24:28,125 --> 00:24:30,083 She like, "No girl. Shit, Eddie left, when was it? 494 00:24:30,083 --> 00:24:32,208 Last Friday? 495 00:24:32,208 --> 00:24:34,166 Oh, the nigga ain't doin' nothin', though, 496 00:24:34,166 --> 00:24:36,000 'cause the dick is in the drawer." 497 00:24:37,709 --> 00:24:41,542 "The dick is in the drawer. You wanna play with it?" 498 00:24:43,792 --> 00:24:47,166 "Nigga, your ass really somewhere shootin' pool? 499 00:24:48,625 --> 00:24:49,583 You talkin' careshit. Yeah, nigga. 500 00:24:49,583 --> 00:24:53,166 Two times off the rail corner pocket. 501 00:24:53,166 --> 00:24:55,458 Nigga, I done beat you two games, nigga. 502 00:24:55,458 --> 00:24:56,625 Ain't nobody set your ass up. 503 00:24:56,625 --> 00:24:59,792 Put your money where your mouth is, nigga. 504 00:24:59,792 --> 00:25:01,166 Otherwise close it. 505 00:25:01,166 --> 00:25:03,417 Your breath smells like you had a shit sandwich." 506 00:25:10,208 --> 00:25:11,417 "Hold on there, nigga. 507 00:25:14,667 --> 00:25:17,000 [groans] Y'all play without me. 508 00:25:18,458 --> 00:25:19,792 My wife is playin' with my dick again. 509 00:25:24,500 --> 00:25:25,834 She lettin' her girlfriend play." 510 00:25:37,709 --> 00:25:40,375 Ladies, what's good for the goose 511 00:25:40,375 --> 00:25:41,834 is good for the gander. 512 00:25:44,041 --> 00:25:47,750 See, if my wife got the bomb, that's why she got the ring. 513 00:25:47,750 --> 00:25:49,667 "Baby, where you goin'?" 514 00:25:49,667 --> 00:25:54,458 "Uh-- we gonna go out. It's girls' night out." 515 00:25:55,041 --> 00:25:59,333 [laughter] 516 00:25:59,333 --> 00:26:01,041 "Put the pussy in the drawer. 517 00:26:03,041 --> 00:26:05,875 Put the pussy in the motherfuckin' drawer. 518 00:26:05,875 --> 00:26:09,792 Take them lips off. In the drawer. 519 00:26:09,792 --> 00:26:12,458 Oh, bitch, you ain't goin' nowhere with that throat. 520 00:26:13,542 --> 00:26:15,375 In the drawer. 521 00:26:15,375 --> 00:26:18,125 Take them titties off, bitch. Right on top. 522 00:26:18,125 --> 00:26:19,417 In the drawer. 523 00:26:19,417 --> 00:26:21,834 You ain't goin' nowhere with that right hand, either, bitch. 524 00:26:23,750 --> 00:26:25,750 In the drawer." 525 00:26:25,750 --> 00:26:28,291 Them bitches meet up at the club, like, 526 00:26:28,291 --> 00:26:31,000 [mumbling] "He wouldn't let me leave with my ass." 527 00:26:31,000 --> 00:26:32,208 [applause] 528 00:26:32,208 --> 00:26:34,750 "He wouldn't let me leave with my ass." 529 00:26:36,875 --> 00:26:40,041 Nigga, you know one of them bitches show up blind. 530 00:26:40,041 --> 00:26:43,000 "He told me he don't want me lookin' at nobody." 531 00:26:43,000 --> 00:26:44,709 [applause] 532 00:26:47,500 --> 00:26:51,375 I'm just sayin', ladies, y'all got more shit 533 00:26:51,375 --> 00:26:53,625 you gonna have to come up off of. 534 00:26:53,625 --> 00:26:56,750 That hair, in the motherfuckin' drawer. 535 00:26:56,750 --> 00:26:58,417 Them eyelashes. They ain't yours. 536 00:26:58,417 --> 00:27:02,125 No goddamn way. In the motherfuckin' drawer. 537 00:27:02,125 --> 00:27:05,041 And bitch, take them motherfuckin' feet off. 538 00:27:05,041 --> 00:27:06,834 Some of these niggas got foot fetishes. 539 00:27:08,792 --> 00:27:10,959 Nigga, I get done with my wife, 540 00:27:10,959 --> 00:27:12,750 she gonna be a motherfuckin' head. 541 00:27:13,125 --> 00:27:15,375 I'll grab her by her eye-not-havin'-ass 542 00:27:15,375 --> 00:27:17,875 and roll her out the door. 543 00:27:18,917 --> 00:27:24,333 "Have fun, baby! I hope y'all goin' bowlin'. 544 00:27:24,333 --> 00:27:27,291 That's all the fuck you gonna be able to do. 545 00:27:27,291 --> 00:27:30,458 I'm gonna fuck the shit out your body while you're gone." 546 00:27:32,625 --> 00:27:35,250 I told you, nigga, I'm comin' to hurt you. 547 00:27:35,250 --> 00:27:38,250 I don't do chuckles, nigga. [chuckles] 548 00:27:38,250 --> 00:27:39,458 I'll hurt you, nigga. 549 00:27:39,458 --> 00:27:41,458 You'll leave my show with a six-pack. 550 00:27:42,125 --> 00:27:44,125 "Hey, nigga, where you been trainin' at?" 551 00:27:44,125 --> 00:27:45,208 "That Eddie Griffin show, nigga. 552 00:27:45,208 --> 00:27:47,750 That nigga tighten your shit right up, nigga." 553 00:27:51,709 --> 00:27:53,750 Nigga, you remember when... 554 00:27:53,750 --> 00:27:56,375 Nigga, you remember when you was 16? 555 00:27:56,375 --> 00:27:59,834 How many fellas in here remember when you was 16, nigga? 556 00:27:59,834 --> 00:28:02,667 You remember, nigga, we could fuck seven to nine times a day? 557 00:28:02,667 --> 00:28:04,500 [sigh] Well, some of you motherfuckers 558 00:28:04,500 --> 00:28:07,458 got a short libido, nigga. 559 00:28:07,458 --> 00:28:08,959 Seven to nine wasn't shit for me, nigga. 560 00:28:08,959 --> 00:28:11,333 Breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks in-between, 561 00:28:11,333 --> 00:28:13,000 late-night snack, before breakfast. 562 00:28:13,000 --> 00:28:16,000 Nigga, when you was 16, nigga, you bust a nut, 563 00:28:16,000 --> 00:28:19,250 your shit come right back in ten seconds. 564 00:28:19,250 --> 00:28:20,458 "Oh, yeah. Oh, you was good, bitch. 565 00:28:20,458 --> 00:28:22,375 Hey, we ain't done." 566 00:28:23,542 --> 00:28:27,583 Nigga, when I got in my 20s, I could still go, nigga. 567 00:28:27,583 --> 00:28:30,583 Breakfast, lunch, dinner, late-night snack, early mornin'. 568 00:28:30,583 --> 00:28:33,375 Nigga, you get in your 30s, 569 00:28:33,375 --> 00:28:36,375 "Hey, you wanna fuck before we go to work 570 00:28:36,375 --> 00:28:37,875 or when we get off?" 571 00:28:39,041 --> 00:28:41,959 Your ass start gettin' tired, nigga. 572 00:28:41,959 --> 00:28:43,792 Nigga, you get in your 40s, 573 00:28:43,792 --> 00:28:47,125 "Uh, look, we gonna fuck Monday..." 574 00:28:47,125 --> 00:28:49,000 "Wednesday..." 575 00:28:49,000 --> 00:28:51,125 "You wanna do Friday after work?" 576 00:28:51,125 --> 00:28:54,375 "Or Saturday after the club?" 577 00:28:54,375 --> 00:28:56,041 Nigger, you get in your 50s... 578 00:28:57,542 --> 00:28:58,542 [laughter] 579 00:28:58,542 --> 00:29:00,875 "Thursday good for me." 580 00:29:02,083 --> 00:29:03,041 "Thursday? Oh, no! 581 00:29:03,041 --> 00:29:06,083 We ain't doin' shit on the weekend, bitch. 582 00:29:06,083 --> 00:29:08,333 That mouth's been drivin' this nigga crazy." 583 00:29:08,333 --> 00:29:10,417 "Sunday's out, bitch. I'm watchin' the game." 584 00:29:10,417 --> 00:29:11,208 "I said Thursday. 585 00:29:11,208 --> 00:29:13,458 Thursday. Thursday then. Yeah." 586 00:29:14,917 --> 00:29:17,875 Nigga, you get 60, 70, 587 00:29:17,875 --> 00:29:23,417 "Uh, lookie here, we gonna fuck December 17. 588 00:29:26,166 --> 00:29:29,792 At approximately 4:37. 589 00:29:29,792 --> 00:29:33,208 I'm gonna put a strong three minutes on ya. 590 00:29:35,083 --> 00:29:38,709 Then I'll see your ass again next year. 591 00:29:38,709 --> 00:29:40,375 If we still alive." 592 00:29:44,792 --> 00:29:47,583 'Cause the older we get, nigga, 593 00:29:47,583 --> 00:29:50,166 God put a tickin' clock on our dick. 594 00:29:50,166 --> 00:29:52,458 It has to die, nigga. 595 00:29:52,458 --> 00:29:55,500 You ain't supposed to have children when you're 77. 596 00:29:55,500 --> 00:29:57,875 You won't be alive 597 00:29:57,875 --> 00:30:00,917 to see the motherfucker graduate grade school. 598 00:30:00,917 --> 00:30:03,709 That's why every year it die a little bit more. 599 00:30:03,709 --> 00:30:06,083 [groans] 600 00:30:06,083 --> 00:30:09,291 But now you got these old niggas be cheatin'. 601 00:30:09,291 --> 00:30:12,625 Yeah, they got them Jesus pills. 602 00:30:12,625 --> 00:30:14,875 Yeah, that's what I call them, nigga. 603 00:30:14,875 --> 00:30:17,625 Them Viagras be givin' the nigga res-erections. 604 00:30:17,917 --> 00:30:18,959 Get it? Res-erections, Jesus pill? 605 00:30:18,959 --> 00:30:21,375 This motherfucker slower than my mother. 606 00:30:22,583 --> 00:30:24,375 You know when you done caught 607 00:30:24,375 --> 00:30:26,166 one of these cheatin' motherfuckers, ladies, 608 00:30:26,166 --> 00:30:29,125 because they be at a club with nothin' but 30-year-olds, 609 00:30:29,125 --> 00:30:31,291 and they ass on the dancefloor, nigga. 610 00:30:31,291 --> 00:30:32,667 The one they got there. 611 00:30:32,667 --> 00:30:34,542 "Yeah! 612 00:30:34,542 --> 00:30:36,333 Yeah! 613 00:30:36,333 --> 00:30:37,041 I'm back in the game! 614 00:30:39,500 --> 00:30:40,166 I'm back in the game. 615 00:30:41,750 --> 00:30:43,375 Ah, ah!" 616 00:30:43,375 --> 00:30:46,500 Nigga, they be tryin' to holler at them young things. 617 00:30:46,500 --> 00:30:48,083 "Hey, hey, hey, what you say over there, candy? 618 00:30:51,417 --> 00:30:53,500 Which one of you bitches wanna automobile?" 619 00:30:54,542 --> 00:30:57,750 They so old, they don't call it a car, nigga. 620 00:30:57,750 --> 00:30:59,500 "Automobile." 621 00:30:59,500 --> 00:31:01,000 And don't laugh, ladies. 622 00:31:01,000 --> 00:31:03,500 Y'all be fadin' them old motherfuckers. 623 00:31:03,500 --> 00:31:04,959 [laughs] "Girl, where you goin'?" 624 00:31:04,959 --> 00:31:06,166 "I'm goin' to get me an automobile." 625 00:31:10,250 --> 00:31:12,000 'Cause they know them old motherfuckers 626 00:31:12,000 --> 00:31:14,291 can't fuck longer than ten seconds. 627 00:31:14,291 --> 00:31:16,083 Nigga, they be on them pills. 628 00:31:16,083 --> 00:31:19,542 [groans] 629 00:31:24,750 --> 00:31:27,709 "Felt my heart jump outta my chest. 630 00:31:27,709 --> 00:31:28,583 Slow down, goddammit. 631 00:31:28,583 --> 00:31:31,166 I asked for some pussy, not a casket. 632 00:31:31,166 --> 00:31:33,417 [applause] 633 00:31:35,000 --> 00:31:37,917 Oooh, aaah! 634 00:31:39,000 --> 00:31:42,041 [groans] I'm goin' home. Keep the automobile. 635 00:31:43,417 --> 00:31:47,542 Tell your girlfriends about Sweet Papa Willow. 636 00:31:47,542 --> 00:31:49,166 I'll see you next year. 637 00:31:50,083 --> 00:31:54,375 Oh, goddamn, this thing won't go down. 638 00:31:54,375 --> 00:31:57,417 I shoulda put my glasses on when I read the instructions. 639 00:31:58,542 --> 00:32:00,291 I think I took too many of them. 640 00:32:00,291 --> 00:32:04,417 Oh, I can feel my heartbeat throbbing in the mother... 641 00:32:04,417 --> 00:32:06,041 I just gotta fuck somethin', dammit. Shit!" 642 00:32:08,166 --> 00:32:10,125 [mic hitting wall] 643 00:32:18,750 --> 00:32:21,250 They want every one of our black entertainers, 644 00:32:21,250 --> 00:32:25,667 me included, nigga, to have a [indistinct]. 645 00:32:25,667 --> 00:32:27,959 If you in my business and you black, 646 00:32:27,959 --> 00:32:29,166 you not gonna die clean. 647 00:32:31,750 --> 00:32:33,000 They got Tiger Woods. 648 00:32:33,000 --> 00:32:34,750 But Tiger helped 'em. 649 00:32:35,917 --> 00:32:39,083 That nigga fucked around and married him a white woman. 650 00:32:39,083 --> 00:32:40,583 Now nothin' against you white women in here, 651 00:32:40,583 --> 00:32:43,333 but this nigga here, no. 652 00:32:43,333 --> 00:32:46,625 [laughs] 653 00:32:46,625 --> 00:32:48,041 No and no, and hell no. 654 00:32:48,041 --> 00:32:51,500 [laughs] See, I do research. 655 00:32:51,500 --> 00:32:56,291 Every famous nigga that's been with a white woman got problems. 656 00:32:56,291 --> 00:33:00,208 O.J.'s still fucked up. 657 00:33:00,208 --> 00:33:02,250 His white woman been dead for years. 658 00:33:02,250 --> 00:33:03,250 Nigga's still fucked up! 659 00:33:07,125 --> 00:33:07,750 Lookit, they got Tiger Woods. 660 00:33:07,750 --> 00:33:09,709 He married one. 661 00:33:09,709 --> 00:33:12,250 And nigga, she got a divorce, 662 00:33:12,250 --> 00:33:15,500 and she left with damn near half a billion dollars, man. 663 00:33:15,500 --> 00:33:18,125 This bitch ain't hit one golf ball. 664 00:33:19,250 --> 00:33:21,875 So you ladies gettin' outta hand with that motherfuckin' 665 00:33:21,875 --> 00:33:24,083 "I'm takin' half of your shit" shit. 666 00:33:24,083 --> 00:33:27,125 How you an independent bitch and runnin' away with money? 667 00:33:27,125 --> 00:33:30,667 If you was here for money... see, if you leave with money, 668 00:33:30,667 --> 00:33:33,667 and this is my honest opinion about the shit. Bitch, 669 00:33:33,667 --> 00:33:36,834 if we equal, I came with dick, you came with pussy. 670 00:33:36,834 --> 00:33:38,625 Let's leave with what we got. 671 00:33:38,625 --> 00:33:40,250 [applause] 672 00:33:40,250 --> 00:33:42,417 How y'all keep tryin' to make pussy 673 00:33:42,417 --> 00:33:43,333 higher case value than dick? 674 00:33:43,333 --> 00:33:45,959 'Cause the bitch always say this shit, 675 00:33:45,959 --> 00:33:47,000 "I gave you all this pussy." 676 00:33:47,000 --> 00:33:50,750 "Bitch, I gave you all this dick!" 677 00:33:52,000 --> 00:33:53,834 "We even, motherfucker." 678 00:33:55,333 --> 00:33:58,458 And then at the end, they say, "I want half." 679 00:33:58,458 --> 00:34:00,208 See, that's called bein' a ho. 680 00:34:00,208 --> 00:34:02,333 See, if it wasn't about money, bitch, 681 00:34:02,333 --> 00:34:03,917 what you want money for at the end? 682 00:34:03,917 --> 00:34:06,709 See, I'd rather a real ho. 683 00:34:06,709 --> 00:34:10,041 They just tell you up front, "$500 tonight, nigga, one hour." 684 00:34:10,375 --> 00:34:12,208 Not these long-term sneaky hoes. 685 00:34:12,208 --> 00:34:14,166 "I don't want your money, Eddie." 686 00:34:16,458 --> 00:34:18,250 'Til they're in the divorce court. 687 00:34:18,250 --> 00:34:19,667 "I want it all, nigga. 688 00:34:20,208 --> 00:34:23,000 "You been fuckin' me for years." 689 00:34:23,000 --> 00:34:27,291 "Yep. That's what people do when they together, motherfucker." 690 00:34:28,291 --> 00:34:30,917 This bitch left with half a billion dollars. 691 00:34:30,917 --> 00:34:34,542 Nigga, not on my watch. 692 00:34:34,542 --> 00:34:36,709 She lucky she wasn't my wife, nigga. 693 00:34:36,709 --> 00:34:37,750 They'd have found her. 694 00:34:40,041 --> 00:34:41,709 I swear to God, nigga. 695 00:34:41,709 --> 00:34:43,917 Let me explain somethin' to you beautiful ladies 696 00:34:43,917 --> 00:34:45,333 in my audience tonight. 697 00:34:45,333 --> 00:34:48,250 I love each and every one of you motherfuckers, 698 00:34:48,250 --> 00:34:53,208 but not one of y'all got a pussy worth half a billion dollars. 699 00:34:53,208 --> 00:34:54,959 Now, it might be some $250 pussies up 700 00:34:54,959 --> 00:34:58,250 in this motherfucker... 701 00:34:58,250 --> 00:35:01,583 It might be some $2,500 pussies up in this motherfucker... 702 00:35:01,583 --> 00:35:04,000 Might be some $10,000 on a Saturday, nigga, 703 00:35:04,000 --> 00:35:06,542 because you been wantin' to fuck Halle Berry for a while. 704 00:35:06,542 --> 00:35:10,834 But it ain't no half a billion dollar pussies on Earth. 705 00:35:10,834 --> 00:35:13,375 Niggas, trying to take that bitch fishin'. 706 00:35:16,250 --> 00:35:19,125 That's why billionaires have yachts. 707 00:35:19,125 --> 00:35:21,166 [applause] 708 00:35:21,166 --> 00:35:23,250 "What happened to her?" "She fell overboard. 709 00:35:24,542 --> 00:35:26,041 I tried to save her." 710 00:35:26,041 --> 00:35:28,917 Nigga, we get back to shore, 711 00:35:28,917 --> 00:35:30,083 I'll put seaweed around my own neck. 712 00:35:30,083 --> 00:35:31,792 "I jumped in. I tried everything. 713 00:35:31,792 --> 00:35:34,625 To save that bitch. 714 00:35:34,625 --> 00:35:35,625 I mean my wife." 715 00:35:36,709 --> 00:35:37,417 "What happened to her?" 716 00:35:37,417 --> 00:35:38,959 "The sharks just ate her up. 717 00:35:38,959 --> 00:35:40,792 Them white sharks. 718 00:35:40,792 --> 00:35:42,709 Yeah. They racist. 719 00:35:42,709 --> 00:35:45,041 They only eat white people." 720 00:35:45,041 --> 00:35:47,291 That's why they call them great white sharks. 721 00:35:47,291 --> 00:35:48,959 They only eat white people. 722 00:35:48,959 --> 00:35:51,625 Even the shark is racist in this goddamn country. 723 00:35:51,625 --> 00:35:54,250 They asked the shark, "Would you eat a nigga?" 724 00:35:54,250 --> 00:35:56,458 "No, no. They're tough. I tried one. 725 00:35:56,458 --> 00:35:58,959 I lost a lot of teeth. They fight back." 726 00:36:00,959 --> 00:36:03,375 Mexicans...[laughs], 727 00:36:03,375 --> 00:36:05,250 Mexicans, y'all don't know how good y'all got it. 728 00:36:05,250 --> 00:36:07,959 You know, even though they got all this shit. 729 00:36:07,959 --> 00:36:10,417 They fuckin' with Mexicans now 730 00:36:10,417 --> 00:36:12,625 with this DACA shit and all this. 731 00:36:12,625 --> 00:36:14,750 They fuckin' with really the brain drain 732 00:36:14,750 --> 00:36:16,250 that comes from India and other motherfuckin' nations 733 00:36:16,250 --> 00:36:19,000 that got a better education system 734 00:36:19,000 --> 00:36:20,291 that come over here to get educated 735 00:36:20,291 --> 00:36:22,625 and run these motherfuckin' companies. 736 00:36:22,625 --> 00:36:24,792 Nigga, they fuckin' with the Mexicans, nigga, 737 00:36:24,792 --> 00:36:27,834 for some fuckin' reason. I'm here to tell you, nigga. 738 00:36:27,834 --> 00:36:30,166 Um, [sighs] Mexicans, y'all don't know how good you got it. 739 00:36:30,166 --> 00:36:33,166 See, when white people fuck with y'all, 740 00:36:33,166 --> 00:36:33,333 Mexico right next door. 741 00:36:34,959 --> 00:36:36,333 Yeah. You can walk home. 742 00:36:41,250 --> 00:36:42,291 Nigga, if Africa was that close... 743 00:36:45,875 --> 00:36:48,625 Now you get what the fuck I'm talkin' about. 744 00:36:48,625 --> 00:36:50,834 Nigga, that first whip [mimics whipping sound], 745 00:36:50,834 --> 00:36:52,709 "Get the children. We are walking home. 746 00:36:53,375 --> 00:36:54,667 Get the children, woman. 747 00:36:54,667 --> 00:36:56,709 We're gettin' outta this motherfucker. 748 00:36:56,709 --> 00:37:00,750 Who do you think you are hitting me, you son of a bitch! 749 00:37:00,750 --> 00:37:03,375 I do not work for free, you motherfucker. 750 00:37:03,375 --> 00:37:06,750 My name is not Tyrone. It is not motherfuckin' Leroy. 751 00:37:06,750 --> 00:37:07,458 It is Shaka. 752 00:37:09,750 --> 00:37:12,709 Fuck you! Get the woman. Children, let's go. 753 00:37:12,709 --> 00:37:13,500 We are walking out this, bitch." 754 00:37:17,000 --> 00:37:20,583 It'd be a mass exodus. 755 00:37:20,583 --> 00:37:21,875 And then white people, 756 00:37:21,875 --> 00:37:24,834 you would finally have your dream. 757 00:37:24,834 --> 00:37:29,750 An all-white America. Confederate flags everywhere. 758 00:37:29,750 --> 00:37:34,375 Not a nigga in sight. This country wouldn't be shit. 759 00:37:34,375 --> 00:37:36,083 [chatter] 760 00:37:36,083 --> 00:37:39,917 There would be no open-brain surgery. 761 00:37:39,917 --> 00:37:42,792 We did that. 762 00:37:42,792 --> 00:37:46,542 There would be no open-heart surgery. 763 00:37:46,542 --> 00:37:47,250 We did that. 764 00:37:47,250 --> 00:37:50,750 There would be no street lights. 765 00:37:50,750 --> 00:37:52,917 That's why they red, yellow, and green. 766 00:37:52,917 --> 00:37:54,291 Jamaican flag, nigga. 767 00:37:54,291 --> 00:37:57,417 [applause] 768 00:37:57,417 --> 00:38:00,709 If somebody white did it, it'd be red, white, and blue. 769 00:38:00,709 --> 00:38:02,250 You go on the blue. 770 00:38:02,250 --> 00:38:05,166 Music wouldn't be shit. 771 00:38:05,166 --> 00:38:07,500 There would be no blues four-bar progression. 772 00:38:07,500 --> 00:38:09,750 There would be no rock 'n' roll. 773 00:38:09,750 --> 00:38:12,250 We created that motherfucker extension of the blues. 774 00:38:12,250 --> 00:38:14,875 That's right, white folks. We takin' our shit back. 775 00:38:14,875 --> 00:38:17,083 You better go to Chuck Berry's grave 776 00:38:17,083 --> 00:38:19,166 and find out who did this shit. 777 00:38:19,166 --> 00:38:22,709 There would be no R&B . There would be no funk. 778 00:38:22,709 --> 00:38:24,125 There would be no jazz. 779 00:38:24,125 --> 00:38:25,959 There would be no bee-bop 780 00:38:25,959 --> 00:38:27,041 turnin' into hip-hop non-stop motherfucker 781 00:38:27,041 --> 00:38:29,917 goin' 'round the clock, niggas, until you drop. 782 00:38:29,917 --> 00:38:31,041 [applause and cheers] 783 00:38:31,041 --> 00:38:32,125 There would be no gospel worth listenin' to. 784 00:38:32,125 --> 00:38:34,542 [chatter and laughter] 785 00:38:38,375 --> 00:38:40,625 All there'd be left, nigga, is twang-twang. 786 00:38:43,875 --> 00:38:44,458 Twang-twang. 787 00:38:47,375 --> 00:38:50,709 Twang-twang. 788 00:38:50,709 --> 00:38:54,458 ♪ She ran off with Petey ♪ 789 00:38:54,458 --> 00:38:58,291 ♪ My favorite dog ♪ 790 00:38:58,291 --> 00:39:03,458 ♪ I only know where four-legged fuckers go ♪ 791 00:39:03,458 --> 00:39:05,667 Nigga suicide rate would go up 2000%. 792 00:39:09,792 --> 00:39:14,625 The national anthem would not be worth listenin' to. 793 00:39:14,625 --> 00:39:17,000 Nigga, whenever we sing it... 794 00:39:17,000 --> 00:39:20,667 Nigga, Whitney sung it so well, God rest that sista's soul. 795 00:39:20,667 --> 00:39:21,500 [applause and cheers] 796 00:39:21,500 --> 00:39:23,500 When Sista Whitney sung it, nigga, 797 00:39:23,500 --> 00:39:27,709 she sung it so well it made a nigga feel like 798 00:39:27,709 --> 00:39:29,625 they really wanted us in this country. 799 00:39:31,375 --> 00:39:32,417 You understand me? 800 00:39:32,417 --> 00:39:34,458 The beginnin' of a baseball game, 801 00:39:34,458 --> 00:39:36,375 Whitney would get to hittin' that motherfucker, 802 00:39:36,375 --> 00:39:40,709 "Oh say... can you see... I see... 803 00:39:40,709 --> 00:39:43,125 By the dawn, early in the mornin' light... 804 00:39:43,125 --> 00:39:46,625 light it up, light it up." 805 00:39:46,625 --> 00:39:49,166 Nigga, you leave the baseball game all hyped... 806 00:39:49,166 --> 00:39:51,375 "Nigga [indistinct] shit, nigga." 807 00:39:51,375 --> 00:39:52,875 Police pull you over. 808 00:39:52,875 --> 00:39:55,542 [hitting mic] 809 00:39:55,542 --> 00:39:58,041 "Fuck this motherfuckin' country! 810 00:39:58,041 --> 00:39:58,709 Fuck that goddamn song, too." 811 00:40:03,125 --> 00:40:06,375 Y'all would never win another summer Olympics, white folks. 812 00:40:06,375 --> 00:40:07,417 I'm sorry. 813 00:40:07,417 --> 00:40:13,041 Scott, Bob, Jill... Sally. 814 00:40:16,959 --> 00:40:18,792 No more gold in the summer. 815 00:40:18,792 --> 00:40:21,458 I don't even know why white folks show up 816 00:40:21,458 --> 00:40:22,750 to the summer Olympics. 817 00:40:22,750 --> 00:40:25,417 You not gonna beat a nigga in the heat. 818 00:40:26,583 --> 00:40:30,542 We from the hottest continent on Earth. 819 00:40:30,542 --> 00:40:34,959 Africa. Originally known as Alkebulan. 820 00:40:34,959 --> 00:40:37,083 You not gonna beat a nigga in the heat, man. 821 00:40:37,083 --> 00:40:39,583 Y'understand me? 822 00:40:39,583 --> 00:40:42,125 Why do you show up for a foot race against black people? 823 00:40:44,000 --> 00:40:47,083 Do you really think you can beat us runnin'? 824 00:40:47,083 --> 00:40:50,083 We got too much practice, nigga. 825 00:40:50,083 --> 00:40:53,083 We run from our parents. "Put it down, nigga! 826 00:40:53,083 --> 00:40:55,750 I told you when we get to the store, 827 00:40:55,750 --> 00:40:57,917 you don't pick up a motherfuckin' dime." 828 00:40:57,917 --> 00:40:59,208 We run from gangs. 829 00:40:59,208 --> 00:41:01,125 "Come here, nigga. Where my shit at?" 830 00:41:01,125 --> 00:41:02,709 "I don't know, cuz!" 831 00:41:03,875 --> 00:41:05,291 We run from the police. 832 00:41:05,291 --> 00:41:07,000 "Well, what do you got?" 833 00:41:07,000 --> 00:41:11,333 "Well, uh, a lollipop. Oh, goddamn!" 834 00:41:11,333 --> 00:41:14,792 You see, police helicopters can't catch niggas. 835 00:41:14,792 --> 00:41:16,875 You watch that shit, First 48 ? 836 00:41:16,875 --> 00:41:19,500 Helicopter: "We lost him again. 837 00:41:19,500 --> 00:41:23,208 Oh, the nigga jumped over two houses and made a left." 838 00:41:27,500 --> 00:41:29,709 You know that race they got, nigga, 839 00:41:29,709 --> 00:41:31,792 the 100-meter dash, nigga? 840 00:41:31,792 --> 00:41:37,458 And it's always 27 niggas from 27 nigga countries. 841 00:41:37,458 --> 00:41:39,417 One white dude. 842 00:41:39,417 --> 00:41:43,208 And you can see on his face when he gettin' in the blocks. 843 00:41:49,709 --> 00:41:51,000 "[grunts] Oh! 844 00:41:51,000 --> 00:41:56,000 I'm gonna be lookin' at a lot o' nigga ass in a minute." 845 00:41:56,000 --> 00:41:58,250 Get it, 'cause they in front of him. 846 00:42:00,291 --> 00:42:04,750 The one race that white people think they can beat us in 847 00:42:04,750 --> 00:42:06,166 is the long-distance race. 848 00:42:06,166 --> 00:42:08,667 You see 'em practicin' out here in Boston 849 00:42:08,667 --> 00:42:11,417 at the marathon, New York. "Hey, what are you doin'?" 850 00:42:11,417 --> 00:42:13,959 "I'm getting ready for the niggas. 851 00:42:15,458 --> 00:42:18,291 Oh, you gotta train. They just got natural ability." 852 00:42:20,333 --> 00:42:22,667 Train as you may, white folks, 853 00:42:22,667 --> 00:42:26,625 you not gonna beat them three Ethiopians. 854 00:42:26,625 --> 00:42:30,333 [cheers and applause] 855 00:42:31,417 --> 00:42:32,375 Regular niggas from America 856 00:42:32,375 --> 00:42:36,333 can't beat them motherfuckers. 857 00:42:36,333 --> 00:42:41,041 Them eggheads always come in first, second, third, nigga. 858 00:42:41,041 --> 00:42:43,166 You not fuckin' with the eggheads, nigga. 859 00:42:43,166 --> 00:42:46,750 They got them eggheads. Body skin and bones. 860 00:42:46,750 --> 00:42:50,000 They used to runnin' for weeks. 861 00:42:50,000 --> 00:42:52,458 Chasin' gazelles for sustenance. 862 00:42:57,792 --> 00:42:59,542 Nigga, gazelles will be fallin' down. 863 00:42:59,542 --> 00:43:02,417 "One of us is going to have to take one. 864 00:43:03,750 --> 00:43:06,500 You are the weak one. Only the strong can survive." 865 00:43:07,750 --> 00:43:09,250 "No, they chased my cousin two weeks ago. 866 00:43:09,250 --> 00:43:11,417 They don't stop. 867 00:43:11,417 --> 00:43:13,834 They smile when they run. 868 00:43:13,834 --> 00:43:15,750 I can hear their teeth chattering in the distance." 869 00:43:21,250 --> 00:43:24,250 Now you know how motherfuckers come across the line, nigga, 870 00:43:24,250 --> 00:43:26,083 at the end of the race? 871 00:43:26,083 --> 00:43:28,583 They be tired, niggas. They ran for two days. 872 00:43:31,750 --> 00:43:33,959 "Can I get some water, some water? 873 00:43:33,959 --> 00:43:35,917 Give me some fuckin' water!" 874 00:43:35,917 --> 00:43:38,709 Nigga, them Ethiopians come across the line... 875 00:43:42,834 --> 00:43:44,750 [applause] 876 00:43:49,625 --> 00:43:50,875 "You want some water?" 877 00:43:50,875 --> 00:43:52,208 "I never touch the stuff. 878 00:43:54,375 --> 00:43:57,291 The blood of the gazelle is all the sustenance I need. 879 00:43:57,291 --> 00:44:00,542 Who wants to run again?" 880 00:44:11,959 --> 00:44:14,125 Nigga, y'all goin' to church this Sunday? 881 00:44:14,125 --> 00:44:16,291 I suggest everybody get your ass to church 882 00:44:16,291 --> 00:44:19,208 and get your money back. 883 00:44:23,667 --> 00:44:26,625 Hurry up, goddammit it! 884 00:44:26,625 --> 00:44:28,959 If Joel Osteen didn't prove to you finally 885 00:44:28,959 --> 00:44:31,125 what I've been tryin' to tell you 886 00:44:31,125 --> 00:44:33,125 for 30 motherfuckin' years... 887 00:44:33,125 --> 00:44:39,583 It's a goddamn scam, man! God don't live in no church. 888 00:44:39,583 --> 00:44:42,417 Nowhere in the Bible, and I read it 17 times, 889 00:44:42,417 --> 00:44:45,375 nowhere in it does it say, 890 00:44:45,375 --> 00:44:47,667 "Build me a house on Fifth and Nowhere. 891 00:44:47,667 --> 00:44:50,542 I only like stained-glass windows. 892 00:44:50,542 --> 00:44:52,500 'Cause I don't want nobody lookin' in on the hustle. 893 00:44:52,500 --> 00:44:54,458 I mean, the truth. 894 00:44:56,834 --> 00:44:59,792 I want hard wooden benches in there 895 00:44:59,792 --> 00:45:02,792 'cause I don't want nobody comfortable. 896 00:45:02,792 --> 00:45:07,875 I need a greasy nigga with a perm 897 00:45:07,875 --> 00:45:12,834 whose neck looks like a half a pack of hot dogs. 898 00:45:12,834 --> 00:45:17,750 Who's a silver-tongued mackin' motherfucker. 899 00:45:17,750 --> 00:45:21,375 And he sweats before he starts talkin'. 900 00:45:21,375 --> 00:45:22,875 'Cause he's from Hell." 901 00:45:22,875 --> 00:45:24,875 "What you gonna call him?" 902 00:45:24,875 --> 00:45:24,917 "The preacher. 903 00:45:26,959 --> 00:45:32,709 I need 12 to 15 fat bucket o' chicken-eatin' bitches 904 00:45:32,709 --> 00:45:33,709 with curtains on." 905 00:45:33,709 --> 00:45:36,166 "What you gonna call them?" 906 00:45:36,166 --> 00:45:39,083 "The choir. 907 00:45:39,083 --> 00:45:43,083 I need two homosexuals with tambourines." 908 00:45:43,083 --> 00:45:45,875 "Why they there?" "I don't know. 909 00:45:45,875 --> 00:45:49,333 I just like how they shake it." 910 00:45:49,333 --> 00:45:51,709 I need an old nigga who's senile. 911 00:45:51,709 --> 00:45:53,333 Dress him in purple. 912 00:45:53,333 --> 00:45:58,375 Put a lot of medals on him. Sit him right next to the pew." 913 00:45:58,375 --> 00:45:59,750 "What you gonna call him?" 914 00:45:59,750 --> 00:46:00,792 "The deacon." 915 00:46:00,792 --> 00:46:03,375 "What you gonna call this organization?" 916 00:46:03,375 --> 00:46:05,917 "Church." 917 00:46:05,917 --> 00:46:07,792 Nigga, church done got so bad, 918 00:46:07,792 --> 00:46:09,875 they got ATM machines in the motherfuckers. 919 00:46:12,083 --> 00:46:13,750 Am I bullshittin'? 920 00:46:13,750 --> 00:46:15,959 And nigga, here's how these preachers preach nowadays. 921 00:46:15,959 --> 00:46:18,542 I'm tellin' you, the church is in trouble. 922 00:46:18,542 --> 00:46:19,875 Them motherfuckers be in there, 923 00:46:19,875 --> 00:46:22,583 "Oh, yeah, welcome to God's house. 924 00:46:22,583 --> 00:46:25,917 Thank you. Uh-huh. 925 00:46:25,917 --> 00:46:27,834 Now, you're here. 926 00:46:27,834 --> 00:46:32,709 You see we have installed an ATM machine 927 00:46:32,709 --> 00:46:38,291 'cause some of y'all have been not bringin' God's money. 928 00:46:38,291 --> 00:46:41,875 Now you pay your light bill. You pay your gas bill. 929 00:46:41,875 --> 00:46:45,041 You pay your taxes. Uncle Sam get his. 930 00:46:45,041 --> 00:46:46,500 God can't have his? 931 00:46:46,500 --> 00:46:51,792 That's why I installed the hot boilin' waters of correction. 932 00:46:51,792 --> 00:46:55,083 Now, a lot of y'all see the flames 933 00:46:55,083 --> 00:46:57,291 at the bottom of the bathtub... 934 00:46:57,291 --> 00:47:02,083 You see Brother Williams didn't bring God money last Sunday. 935 00:47:02,083 --> 00:47:02,959 You're probably lookin' at 936 00:47:02,959 --> 00:47:05,583 these two large swollen niggas here 937 00:47:05,583 --> 00:47:07,917 wonderin' what they purpose is. 938 00:47:07,917 --> 00:47:10,667 Go get Brother Williams. Bring him up here." 939 00:47:10,667 --> 00:47:13,375 They dip that nigga in the hot, boilin' water and... 940 00:47:13,375 --> 00:47:14,583 [screams] 941 00:47:14,583 --> 00:47:17,000 "Sound like he's screamin', don't it? 942 00:47:17,000 --> 00:47:20,667 That's not what it is. That's the demons leavin' him. 943 00:47:20,667 --> 00:47:22,709 Look at how fast he ran 944 00:47:22,709 --> 00:47:26,959 to get God's money outta the brand-new ATM machine. 945 00:47:26,959 --> 00:47:29,041 Is there anybody else in here late with the Lord's issue?" 946 00:47:35,375 --> 00:47:39,000 The only difference between a white church 947 00:47:39,000 --> 00:47:41,000 and a black church. 948 00:47:41,000 --> 00:47:43,500 White church will fuck your son. 949 00:47:45,083 --> 00:47:46,000 I don't like false indignation. 950 00:47:46,000 --> 00:47:49,125 Y'all watch the same goddamn news I watch. 951 00:47:49,125 --> 00:47:51,959 Them priests been little-boy fuckin' for quite a while. 952 00:47:51,959 --> 00:47:55,208 That's why they wear them white robes, nigga. 953 00:47:55,208 --> 00:47:56,834 They buck naked underneath. 954 00:47:56,834 --> 00:47:59,083 They don't even walk to the pulpit. 955 00:47:59,083 --> 00:47:59,250 They float. 956 00:48:00,041 --> 00:48:02,375 'Cause little Timmy underneath there 957 00:48:02,375 --> 00:48:05,000 butt-ass naked on roller skates suckin' dick. 958 00:48:05,000 --> 00:48:07,375 Now you can go on. 959 00:48:09,959 --> 00:48:13,709 Black church will fuck your wife. 960 00:48:13,709 --> 00:48:17,083 Nigga, if your wife is sittin' on the front row at church 961 00:48:17,083 --> 00:48:18,583 every Sunday, 962 00:48:18,583 --> 00:48:20,875 you might wanna ask that bitch a couple of questions. 963 00:48:20,875 --> 00:48:23,041 What position was you in 964 00:48:23,041 --> 00:48:26,041 to get this motherfucker position every Sunday? 965 00:48:26,041 --> 00:48:28,709 'Cause only a black preacher will ask your ass 966 00:48:28,709 --> 00:48:30,208 some shit like this. 967 00:48:30,208 --> 00:48:35,083 "Lookie here, I was wonderin' if your wife could stay after 968 00:48:35,083 --> 00:48:39,333 for a little private Bible study." 969 00:48:39,333 --> 00:48:42,291 "Uh, lookie here, what the fuck you gonna tell my bitch 970 00:48:42,291 --> 00:48:47,333 you ain't gonna tell the rest of these bitches in here? 971 00:48:47,333 --> 00:48:49,959 So let me explain me to you, partner. 972 00:48:49,959 --> 00:48:52,583 I don't believe none of this bullshit of motherfucker 973 00:48:52,583 --> 00:48:54,750 sleepin' in the whale for three months. 974 00:48:54,750 --> 00:48:57,792 I don't know what the fuck this cartoon shit is. 975 00:48:57,792 --> 00:49:00,417 I only come here to keep this bitch happy. 976 00:49:00,417 --> 00:49:02,959 I don't give a fuck about you, greasy nigga. 977 00:49:02,959 --> 00:49:03,959 Now, ask me another motherfuckin' question 978 00:49:03,959 --> 00:49:07,417 and I got a last question for you. 979 00:49:07,417 --> 00:49:09,250 How about if I blow your motherfuckin' brains out 980 00:49:09,250 --> 00:49:14,959 so you can see what you thinkin' is some bullshit?" 981 00:49:14,959 --> 00:49:18,458 "Well, I can see that you was the wrong nigga to ask. 982 00:49:18,458 --> 00:49:20,333 I'll see you at the church picnic." 983 00:49:28,917 --> 00:49:31,000 God is free. Don't forget it. 984 00:49:31,000 --> 00:49:33,041 God don't need no money. Never wanted no money, nigga. 985 00:49:33,041 --> 00:49:35,959 Them Romans wrote that in the book. 986 00:49:35,959 --> 00:49:37,542 Tithing. God want ten%. 987 00:49:37,542 --> 00:49:40,750 What the fuck would God want ten% of what he already own? 988 00:49:40,750 --> 00:49:41,583 He own everything. 989 00:49:41,583 --> 00:49:43,083 That's like me rippin' my sleeve off, 990 00:49:43,083 --> 00:49:46,458 stickin' it in my pocket. I already got it. 991 00:49:47,083 --> 00:49:48,792 Every church I been to, 992 00:49:48,792 --> 00:49:53,083 not one of them got a tube to suck the money up to God. 993 00:49:53,083 --> 00:49:55,917 But the greasy nigga with a perm got a mansion, a private jet, 994 00:49:55,917 --> 00:49:58,750 a helicopter, four hoes and a dog. 995 00:50:00,959 --> 00:50:03,875 You can't pimp a pimp, player. 996 00:50:03,875 --> 00:50:05,875 I ain't givin' you a dime, motherfucker. 997 00:50:07,000 --> 00:50:09,166 Fuck you. God free. Get on your knees. 998 00:50:09,166 --> 00:50:11,000 Pray direct to the source, nigga. 999 00:50:11,000 --> 00:50:13,166 He don't need no middle man, nigga. 1000 00:50:13,166 --> 00:50:15,667 Read the book. Just don't go to church. 1001 00:50:15,667 --> 00:50:17,125 Read it for yourself, nigga. 1002 00:50:17,125 --> 00:50:19,959 You know how to read. Who is this nigga? 1003 00:50:19,959 --> 00:50:21,000 Who made this nigga the liaison? 1004 00:50:21,000 --> 00:50:24,375 "You can only get to the Lord through me." 1005 00:50:25,458 --> 00:50:27,625 Read the motherfucker. 1006 00:50:27,625 --> 00:50:30,750 God said, "If two or more come in my name, 1007 00:50:30,750 --> 00:50:33,375 I'm in the presence." Ain't that what he said? 1008 00:50:33,375 --> 00:50:36,000 Well, there's more than two of us. 1009 00:50:36,000 --> 00:50:40,166 I brought the nigga name up. That mean he here. 1010 00:50:40,166 --> 00:50:42,041 Welcome to church, you motherfuckers. 1011 00:50:44,000 --> 00:50:46,834 Now, here at the Eddie Griffin church, 1012 00:50:46,834 --> 00:50:47,959 I ain't gonna pass the plate around. 1013 00:50:47,959 --> 00:50:50,458 I charged your ass up front. 1014 00:50:52,375 --> 00:50:53,250 I'm honest about my shit. 1015 00:50:55,250 --> 00:50:59,208 Boston, y'all a fun bunch of motherfuckers. 1016 00:50:59,208 --> 00:51:02,291 [applause and cheers] 1017 00:51:09,208 --> 00:51:11,041 No, really. Y'all some fun motherfuckers. 1018 00:51:11,041 --> 00:51:13,250 [Woman] Thank you! - Now lookie here. 1019 00:51:13,250 --> 00:51:15,041 [Man] You are, too. - Oh shit! 1020 00:51:15,041 --> 00:51:17,417 Thirty years. You could tell. 1021 00:51:17,417 --> 00:51:20,667 I still love doin' this shit. [crowd] Yeah! 1022 00:51:20,667 --> 00:51:22,250 [applause] 1023 00:51:22,250 --> 00:51:24,667 - Now, uh, [laughs] 1024 00:51:26,625 --> 00:51:34,667 if I offended anybody in this audience tonight, fuck you. 1025 00:51:34,667 --> 00:51:37,125 These are the jokes. Ha-ha. 1026 00:51:37,125 --> 00:51:39,750 If you check your ticket, motherfucker, 1027 00:51:39,750 --> 00:51:41,750 it said comedy show. 1028 00:51:41,750 --> 00:51:43,125 It didn't say serious show. 1029 00:51:43,125 --> 00:51:45,375 If you took any of these soliloquies 1030 00:51:45,375 --> 00:51:48,417 that flew outta my mouth serious, you got a problem. 1031 00:51:48,417 --> 00:51:50,583 Go get another Cab Sav. Sit down. 1032 00:51:50,583 --> 00:51:51,500 Discuss it with somebody. 1033 00:51:51,500 --> 00:51:55,291 You got hang-ups, you motherfucker. 1034 00:51:55,291 --> 00:51:58,834 If I offended any white people in here this evening, 1035 00:51:58,834 --> 00:52:00,750 I was talkin' about racist white people. 1036 00:52:00,750 --> 00:52:03,250 If you were offended, 1037 00:52:03,250 --> 00:52:06,375 then you the motherfucker I was talkin' to. 1038 00:52:06,375 --> 00:52:08,375 [applause] 1039 00:52:14,917 --> 00:52:19,375 If I offended any Mexicans in here tonight, 1040 00:52:19,375 --> 00:52:20,792 prove me wrong. 1041 00:52:22,625 --> 00:52:27,083 Why the fuck do you like workin' hard all the goddamn time? 1042 00:52:27,083 --> 00:52:28,250 Be late like a nigga sometimes. 1043 00:52:32,375 --> 00:52:37,125 If I offended any Asians in here tonight, [laughs] 1044 00:52:37,125 --> 00:52:40,250 cook somethin' without rice. 1045 00:52:40,250 --> 00:52:42,917 Shrimp fried rice, chicken fried Rice. 1046 00:52:42,917 --> 00:52:44,417 Rice, rice, rice. 1047 00:52:44,417 --> 00:52:46,959 People don't want rice in every goddamn thing! 1048 00:52:46,959 --> 00:52:49,709 How about some shrimp fried collard greens? 1049 00:52:49,709 --> 00:52:52,583 That shit sound good to a motherfucker, don't it? 1050 00:52:52,583 --> 00:52:54,667 Throw some cayenne pepper on that bitch. 1051 00:52:54,667 --> 00:52:56,500 [laughs] 1052 00:52:58,417 --> 00:53:01,834 If I offended any African Americans 1053 00:53:01,834 --> 00:53:03,792 in here this evening, 1054 00:53:03,792 --> 00:53:06,500 welcome home, you boojee-ass niggas. 1055 00:53:15,166 --> 00:53:20,000 If I offended [laughs] any ladies and women 1056 00:53:20,000 --> 00:53:21,333 in here this evening, [laughs], 1057 00:53:21,333 --> 00:53:26,834 I was talkin' about bitches and hoes. 1058 00:53:26,834 --> 00:53:27,667 If you were offended... 1059 00:53:27,667 --> 00:53:33,375 [laughter] 1060 00:53:39,709 --> 00:53:47,667 If I offended any Christians in here tonight, go to Hell... 1061 00:53:47,667 --> 00:53:49,458 [laughter] 1062 00:53:49,458 --> 00:53:52,250 with gasoline-dipped drawers. 1063 00:53:52,250 --> 00:53:54,834 That way, you ignite on arrival. 1064 00:53:54,834 --> 00:53:58,417 I don't want you to miss none of your flame time. 1065 00:53:58,417 --> 00:53:59,625 Can't stand Christians, 1066 00:53:59,625 --> 00:54:01,417 the most judgmental motherfuckers on Earth. 1067 00:54:01,417 --> 00:54:03,875 Only a goddamn Christian, "You goin' to Hell." 1068 00:54:03,875 --> 00:54:06,792 How the fuck you know? Like God came down. 1069 00:54:06,792 --> 00:54:09,041 "Oh, let that nigga know he's goin' to Hell. 1070 00:54:09,041 --> 00:54:11,667 I'm kinda busy right now." 1071 00:54:11,667 --> 00:54:14,375 Obviously you didn't read your own book again, motherfucker. 1072 00:54:14,375 --> 00:54:16,750 It says, "Judge lest you be judged." 1073 00:54:16,750 --> 00:54:18,250 Only God can judge me. 1074 00:54:18,250 --> 00:54:21,083 You could sit back and enjoy the show 1075 00:54:21,083 --> 00:54:25,875 and shut the fuck up, you hypocrite motherfuckers. 1076 00:54:25,875 --> 00:54:28,417 Out smokin' dicks and weed all week, 1077 00:54:28,417 --> 00:54:30,959 then puttin' $20 on the plate on Sunday 1078 00:54:30,959 --> 00:54:33,083 and think you paid for your transgressions. 1079 00:54:33,083 --> 00:54:35,375 Like God can't see past your fuck-ass charade. 1080 00:54:35,375 --> 00:54:38,625 At least I'm honest with my heavenly Father. 1081 00:54:38,625 --> 00:54:40,583 You know I drink. 1082 00:54:40,583 --> 00:54:44,417 You know I smoke, not just cigarettes. 1083 00:54:44,417 --> 00:54:48,083 And I'm fuckin' on a bitch I'm not married to. 1084 00:54:48,083 --> 00:54:50,834 You made the position. You made it so good. 1085 00:54:53,542 --> 00:54:56,500 Hey, a pussy like M&Ms. You can't eat just one. 1086 00:55:04,667 --> 00:55:07,542 If I offended any Muslims in here, As-Salaam-Alaikum. 1087 00:55:07,542 --> 00:55:12,583 I'm not fuckin' with them. They'll blow us up, nigga. 1088 00:55:12,583 --> 00:55:15,208 [laughs] 1089 00:55:21,583 --> 00:55:25,709 Hey, that was a joke. As-Salaam-Alaikum. 1090 00:55:25,709 --> 00:55:26,417 Al-hamdulillah, al-hamdulillah, nigga. 1091 00:55:28,333 --> 00:55:30,667 Inshallah, nigga, inshallah. 1092 00:55:34,125 --> 00:55:39,667 Nigga. Nigga, I was... 1093 00:55:42,834 --> 00:55:44,709 Fuck y'all, nigga. 1094 00:55:44,709 --> 00:55:46,250 My brain poppin', nigga. 1095 00:55:49,000 --> 00:55:49,458 Imagine bein' a sperm, nigga. 1096 00:55:52,500 --> 00:55:55,792 I was just thinkin' about this shit. 1097 00:55:55,792 --> 00:55:59,166 Imagine nigga sperm just swimmin' around in a nigga dick 1098 00:55:59,166 --> 00:56:01,458 that ain't gettin' no pussy. 1099 00:56:07,166 --> 00:56:10,166 "This sure is some bullshit, man. 1100 00:56:10,166 --> 00:56:13,792 Nigga, we been down here for five years, man. 1101 00:56:13,792 --> 00:56:16,875 I ain't never gonna see the light o' day again. 1102 00:56:16,875 --> 00:56:21,208 This nigga, I swear to God he ain't shit! 1103 00:56:21,208 --> 00:56:26,375 Why we gotta be in this nigga's dick?" 1104 00:56:26,375 --> 00:56:29,041 It look like he gonna get some pussy, nigga. 1105 00:56:29,041 --> 00:56:30,667 "All right, everybody line up. This is it. 1106 00:56:30,667 --> 00:56:33,542 Line up, niggas. This motherfucker's got some." 1107 00:56:33,542 --> 00:56:36,917 Nigga, the Old Sperm come by. 1108 00:56:36,917 --> 00:56:39,208 "Y'all don't wanna go out there. 1109 00:56:39,208 --> 00:56:42,542 This shit ain't real. 1110 00:56:42,542 --> 00:56:44,375 That nigga jackin' off. 1111 00:56:44,375 --> 00:56:47,542 You gonna end up on a towel. 1112 00:56:47,542 --> 00:56:51,709 Dry and crunchy. 1113 00:56:51,709 --> 00:56:56,125 I lost 50 billion sons that way. 1114 00:56:56,125 --> 00:56:58,250 It ain't never been real with this motherfucker. 1115 00:56:58,250 --> 00:57:01,709 That's how I'm still here, nigga. 1116 00:57:01,709 --> 00:57:04,583 I know when it's real. Shit!" 1117 00:57:04,583 --> 00:57:07,417 Any motherfucker get some pussy, nigga, 1118 00:57:07,417 --> 00:57:09,709 and they come out and got a condom on. 1119 00:57:11,250 --> 00:57:13,583 "Back up. This ain't it! 1120 00:57:13,583 --> 00:57:18,208 Back up! I can see it. 1121 00:57:18,208 --> 00:57:20,041 Stop pushin'! Stop pushin'!" 1122 00:57:22,917 --> 00:57:25,542 Then the motherfucker flush the condom down the toilet. 1123 00:57:25,542 --> 00:57:27,250 "We shoulda listened to the old man." 1124 00:57:27,250 --> 00:57:31,000 [applause and laughter] 1125 00:57:36,583 --> 00:57:42,917 Say you finally, you, you finally consummate 1126 00:57:42,917 --> 00:57:44,792 your relationship and you havin' sex without a condom. 1127 00:57:44,792 --> 00:57:49,625 And they get to come out into some actual pussy. 1128 00:57:49,625 --> 00:57:51,750 Them mothers come out... [whoosh] 1129 00:57:59,667 --> 00:58:07,250 "Rub the walls, nigga! Oh, it's so juicy." 1130 00:58:07,250 --> 00:58:09,125 Nigga, the Old Sperm come out. 1131 00:58:09,125 --> 00:58:14,625 [heavy breathing] "Well, I be goddamn! 1132 00:58:14,625 --> 00:58:17,542 I never thought I'd live to see it. 1133 00:58:20,291 --> 00:58:23,625 Which one of y'all know where the automobiles is?" 1134 00:58:23,625 --> 00:58:29,917 [applause] 1135 00:58:29,917 --> 00:58:33,500 "Come on. Follow me. I know the way to the head. 1136 00:58:33,500 --> 00:58:35,333 Shake your tailfeather, motherfucker. 1137 00:58:35,333 --> 00:58:36,875 Shake your tailfeather." 1138 00:58:36,875 --> 00:58:40,959 And them motherfuckers start droppin' one by one. 1139 00:58:40,959 --> 00:58:44,458 [groans] 1140 00:58:47,875 --> 00:58:50,542 [heavy breathing] "Hey, hold up, Pop. 1141 00:58:50,542 --> 00:58:53,834 Hey, everybody we fell out, 1142 00:58:53,834 --> 00:58:56,166 and we been swimmin' for a long time. 1143 00:58:56,166 --> 00:58:58,750 How deep is this bitch?" 1144 00:59:00,667 --> 00:59:04,166 "This bitch deeper than a [indistinct]. 1145 00:59:04,166 --> 00:59:06,417 "Just keep swimmin', just keep swimmin'." 1146 00:59:09,792 --> 00:59:14,125 "Hey, Pop, let's just, let's just wait right here. 1147 00:59:14,125 --> 00:59:17,041 Take a break like everybody else. 1148 00:59:17,041 --> 00:59:22,291 We can make it to the egg in the morning." 1149 00:59:22,291 --> 00:59:28,083 "Junior, we ain't gonna make it. 1150 00:59:28,083 --> 00:59:30,667 We been set up. 1151 00:59:30,667 --> 00:59:32,792 This bitch is on the pill." 1152 00:59:32,792 --> 00:59:36,750 [applause] 1153 00:59:51,667 --> 00:59:53,792 Imagine, [laughs] 1154 00:59:53,792 --> 00:59:57,375 imagine bein' a sperm in a gay motherfucker's dick. 1155 00:59:57,375 --> 01:00:01,166 [groans and sighs] 1156 01:00:09,792 --> 01:00:13,583 "Didn't nobody clean this bitch out? 1157 01:00:14,834 --> 01:00:17,000 There is mud everywhere. 1158 01:00:17,000 --> 01:00:21,583 They ain't nothin' but corn and peanuts all in this mud. 1159 01:00:21,583 --> 01:00:23,875 I think we're in the wrong spot." 1160 01:00:41,959 --> 01:00:45,625 My motherfuckin' face gettin' stuck too, nigga. 1161 01:00:47,917 --> 01:00:48,792 All right. Let's get serious. 1162 01:00:54,625 --> 01:01:00,709 Nigga, I'd like to pour out some liquor, 1163 01:01:00,709 --> 01:01:02,583 if you don't mind, 1164 01:01:02,583 --> 01:01:05,458 for some loved ones that I lost on this journey 1165 01:01:05,458 --> 01:01:08,083 for 30 years in this game we call entertainment. 1166 01:01:08,083 --> 01:01:09,458 You know what I mean? 1167 01:01:09,458 --> 01:01:13,125 Yeah, man. This first one, 1168 01:01:13,125 --> 01:01:17,125 [sighs], oh man, is goin' out to Brotha Charlie Murphy. 1169 01:01:17,125 --> 01:01:18,792 [applause and cheers] 1170 01:01:28,542 --> 01:01:29,917 [Man] Be right, Charlie. 1171 01:01:29,917 --> 01:01:32,041 Nigga, I've had the privilege and the pleasure, man, 1172 01:01:32,041 --> 01:01:36,834 of bein' on tour with Brotha Charlie for three & a half 1173 01:01:36,834 --> 01:01:40,333 years, damn near four years, man, up until the day he died. 1174 01:01:40,333 --> 01:01:43,333 You know, it was the Comedy Get-Down Tour 1175 01:01:43,333 --> 01:01:45,500 with me, Brotha Lopez, D.L. Hughley, 1176 01:01:45,500 --> 01:01:48,166 big Ced the Entertainer, you know what I mean. 1177 01:01:48,166 --> 01:01:50,291 [applause and chatter] 1178 01:01:53,083 --> 01:01:56,959 To watch a man that strong. I mean, Charlie was a man's man. 1179 01:01:56,959 --> 01:01:59,917 Ya' know he was man amongst men like a motherfucker. 1180 01:01:59,917 --> 01:02:03,208 You know, Charlie would walk into a room, 1181 01:02:03,208 --> 01:02:04,417 and everybody was like, 1182 01:02:04,417 --> 01:02:06,208 "Is the nigga gonna kill somebody?" 1183 01:02:06,208 --> 01:02:08,375 You know, Charlie had a permanent smile. 1184 01:02:08,375 --> 01:02:11,875 You couldn't tell if he was mad or happy. 1185 01:02:11,875 --> 01:02:14,083 But I watched this brotha fight cancer 1186 01:02:14,083 --> 01:02:16,792 and tell all of us not to tell nobody. 1187 01:02:16,792 --> 01:02:19,166 We watched him go to the hospital, 1188 01:02:19,166 --> 01:02:21,041 do chemotherapy on a Wednesday, walk out that hospital, 1189 01:02:21,041 --> 01:02:27,166 walk in front of 20,000 people and kill it on Friday. 1190 01:02:27,166 --> 01:02:29,000 That's how strong this brotha was. 1191 01:02:29,000 --> 01:02:31,959 You know what I mean? 1192 01:02:31,959 --> 01:02:35,250 [applause] 1193 01:02:35,250 --> 01:02:38,917 I know Heaven is funnier than a motherfucker right now. 1194 01:02:38,917 --> 01:02:43,208 Dick Gregory just went up there, y'understand me? 1195 01:02:43,208 --> 01:02:46,417 Nigga, I know Charlie up in Heaven, nigga, 1196 01:02:46,417 --> 01:02:47,959 like a motherfucker. 1197 01:02:47,959 --> 01:02:50,041 "Charlie Murphy's in Heaven. 1198 01:02:50,041 --> 01:02:52,834 Darkness is spreading. 1199 01:02:52,834 --> 01:02:55,041 Look at Rick James. 1200 01:02:55,041 --> 01:03:00,250 Got his feet on God's couch. Silly motherfucker. 1201 01:03:00,250 --> 01:03:02,792 Look at Prince over there playing buck-naked basketball. 1202 01:03:02,792 --> 01:03:05,709 He ain't gonna be up here long." 1203 01:03:11,083 --> 01:03:14,750 This next one is goin' out to Brotha Bernie Mac. 1204 01:03:14,750 --> 01:03:16,792 [applause and cheers] 1205 01:03:22,792 --> 01:03:25,792 Nigga, you know Bernie up in Heaven. 1206 01:03:25,792 --> 01:03:28,709 "What the fuck goin' on up here? 1207 01:03:28,709 --> 01:03:30,458 Some motherfucker angel flyin' around 1208 01:03:30,458 --> 01:03:32,291 in a motherfuckin' corner over there. 1209 01:03:32,291 --> 01:03:34,083 Flyin' around in a motherfucker circle. 1210 01:03:34,083 --> 01:03:35,041 A motherfucker circle. 1211 01:03:35,041 --> 01:03:37,333 Got one motherfuckin' good wing; 1212 01:03:37,333 --> 01:03:40,000 the other wing look like a barbecued chicken wing. 1213 01:03:40,000 --> 01:03:42,208 That motherfucker from Hell. He from Hell. 1214 01:03:42,208 --> 01:03:43,792 He a burnt-up motherfucker 1215 01:03:43,792 --> 01:03:46,083 comin' up here tryin' to spy on motherfuckers. 1216 01:03:46,083 --> 01:03:47,375 He's spyin' on motherfuckers. 1217 01:03:47,375 --> 01:03:50,291 Spyin' on my motherfuckin' Heaven." 1218 01:03:50,291 --> 01:03:52,959 [applause and cheers] 1219 01:03:59,625 --> 01:04:01,583 Now you know Prince up there. 1220 01:04:08,458 --> 01:04:10,917 [laughter] 1221 01:04:30,458 --> 01:04:32,333 "Dearly beloved... 1222 01:04:32,333 --> 01:04:37,458 We're gathered here today to get to this thing called life. 1223 01:04:37,458 --> 01:04:39,125 The word life, means Heaven. 1224 01:04:39,125 --> 01:04:43,542 That's been a long time, but I'm here to tell you..." 1225 01:04:43,542 --> 01:04:45,458 [applause] [scream] 1226 01:04:58,041 --> 01:05:01,542 Nigga, you know, Michael is still at the gate. 1227 01:05:01,542 --> 01:05:04,458 They ain't let that nigga in yet. 1228 01:05:04,458 --> 01:05:07,500 Michael at the gate: "You know who it is." 1229 01:05:07,500 --> 01:05:08,667 [grunts] 1230 01:05:08,667 --> 01:05:09,709 ♪ Gotta-gone gotta-gone ♪ 1231 01:05:09,709 --> 01:05:11,875 ♪ You know who it is ♪ 1232 01:05:11,875 --> 01:05:14,125 ♪ You know who it is ♪ 1233 01:05:14,125 --> 01:05:17,542 ♪ You know who it is you know who it is ♪ 1234 01:05:17,542 --> 01:05:20,875 [applause] 1235 01:05:21,917 --> 01:05:26,250 Peter right at the gate. "Uh, no I don't." 1236 01:05:26,250 --> 01:05:29,583 "You do not fit the description that I have." 1237 01:05:29,583 --> 01:05:32,875 [laughter] 1238 01:05:50,542 --> 01:05:52,125 Now you know Sammy Davis up in that motherfucker. 1239 01:06:14,917 --> 01:06:19,709 "Um... stop it, man. Stop it! 1240 01:06:19,709 --> 01:06:22,166 You guys are kookie, man. 1241 01:06:22,166 --> 01:06:28,166 Um, excuse me, um, God. 1242 01:06:28,166 --> 01:06:32,000 You know, I've been here for quite a while, and um, 1243 01:06:32,000 --> 01:06:34,208 I-- I really adore you, man. 1244 01:06:34,208 --> 01:06:37,959 I mean, you know, you're magnanimous in your greatness. 1245 01:06:37,959 --> 01:06:40,625 There's no one like you. 1246 01:06:40,625 --> 01:06:45,000 You are the cat of cats, dig that, man. 1247 01:06:45,000 --> 01:06:48,000 And you know, since I've been here, 1248 01:06:48,000 --> 01:06:51,542 you know, I've, I've, I've danced for you. 1249 01:06:59,375 --> 01:07:02,083 You know, I-- I-- I-- I was just wondering, 1250 01:07:02,083 --> 01:07:04,250 when do I get a new eye?" 1251 01:07:12,000 --> 01:07:14,417 You know, Rich is up in there. 1252 01:07:14,417 --> 01:07:18,625 That's one of my closest, closest niggas for years. 1253 01:07:18,625 --> 01:07:21,125 And, nigga, I know [indistinct] motherfucker. 1254 01:07:39,667 --> 01:07:41,375 [laughter] 1255 01:07:46,083 --> 01:07:49,500 "Excuse me, God. 1256 01:07:49,500 --> 01:07:54,583 I was wonderin' if I could have a moment of your time. 1257 01:07:54,583 --> 01:07:57,291 I know that you're a very busy God. 1258 01:07:57,291 --> 01:08:00,542 You got a whole universe of shit to worry about. 1259 01:08:00,542 --> 01:08:03,333 You know, white peoples is killin' each other, 1260 01:08:03,333 --> 01:08:05,792 there's an orange motherfucker in the White House. 1261 01:08:05,792 --> 01:08:07,792 You understand me? 1262 01:08:07,792 --> 01:08:09,667 Mexicans, they ain't comin' or goin'. 1263 01:08:09,667 --> 01:08:11,166 They just confused. 1264 01:08:11,166 --> 01:08:14,291 The niggas is like, 'What the fuck?' 1265 01:08:14,291 --> 01:08:17,333 So, I know you're busy with all that kinda shit, 1266 01:08:17,333 --> 01:08:19,417 and you know, we still can't find Kanye. 1267 01:08:27,667 --> 01:08:29,625 I coulda told him about that. 1268 01:08:29,625 --> 01:08:31,750 Shit, every nigga that fucked one of them goddamn Kardashians 1269 01:08:31,750 --> 01:08:33,959 come up missin'. 1270 01:08:33,959 --> 01:08:36,709 Or they end up in rehab or some kinda shit. 1271 01:08:36,709 --> 01:08:38,291 Shit, Bruce Jenner was the only white man 1272 01:08:38,291 --> 01:08:41,583 to beat a nigga in the summer Olympics. 1273 01:08:41,583 --> 01:08:44,000 He stuck his dick in the mama and said, 'Fuck it. 1274 01:08:44,000 --> 01:08:46,875 Take my dick. Give me a dress.' 1275 01:08:48,583 --> 01:08:51,583 I don't wanna bore you with the details. 1276 01:08:51,583 --> 01:08:56,041 Anyway, I been on the south side of Heaven since I got here. 1277 01:08:56,041 --> 01:08:57,917 And the peoples over there, they complainin'. 1278 01:08:57,917 --> 01:09:00,333 they didn't wanna tell you 1279 01:09:00,333 --> 01:09:01,959 'cause they scared of ya. 1280 01:09:01,959 --> 01:09:04,083 They asked me to deliver the message 1281 01:09:04,083 --> 01:09:06,417 'cause they know I don't give a fuck. 1282 01:09:06,417 --> 01:09:08,291 Anyway, you know, you been known to drown people 1283 01:09:08,291 --> 01:09:10,792 and fire and brimstone, lightnin'. 1284 01:09:10,792 --> 01:09:11,959 You kinda scare a nigga. 1285 01:09:11,959 --> 01:09:16,250 Anyway, they said your son Jesus, he been over there. 1286 01:09:16,250 --> 01:09:21,000 The boy ain't took a bath since I been here. 1287 01:09:21,000 --> 01:09:24,542 He walkin' on his bath water. The nigga keep walkin' around. 1288 01:09:24,542 --> 01:09:28,625 You can't get the nigga wet. He dodged showered raindrops. 1289 01:09:28,625 --> 01:09:31,792 Look, people's noses are hurtin'. 1290 01:09:31,792 --> 01:09:33,583 We was wonderin', um, 1291 01:09:33,583 --> 01:09:36,834 if you could hit the nigga with a ligtnin' storm. 1292 01:09:36,834 --> 01:09:40,166 And wash him up a little bit. 1293 01:09:40,166 --> 01:09:41,750 And the other thing, 1294 01:09:41,750 --> 01:09:43,000 he's an arrogant motherfucker, too. 1295 01:09:43,000 --> 01:09:47,333 He said he's your only son. You said we all your children. 1296 01:09:47,333 --> 01:09:48,959 I'm confused like a motherfucker. 1297 01:09:48,959 --> 01:09:50,625 You know? That's some shit 1298 01:09:50,625 --> 01:09:52,125 you niggas need to get together and discuss. 1299 01:09:52,125 --> 01:09:56,750 That ain't got nothin' to do with me. 1300 01:09:56,750 --> 01:10:03,834 Well, that aside, uh, on a more personal note, 1301 01:10:03,834 --> 01:10:08,375 you said Heaven is whatever a nigga want. 1302 01:10:08,375 --> 01:10:14,667 Well... I was wonderin', 1303 01:10:14,667 --> 01:10:18,458 would ya mind if I snort the clouds? 1304 01:10:18,458 --> 01:10:20,208 All I want is some cocaine 1305 01:10:20,208 --> 01:10:22,834 since a nigga got up in this motherfucker. 1306 01:10:22,834 --> 01:10:24,625 It look like cocaine to me. 1307 01:10:24,625 --> 01:10:28,542 [giggles] Okay, I can see that I've upset you. 1308 01:10:28,542 --> 01:10:31,500 I don't wanna get struck by the lightnin'. 1309 01:10:31,500 --> 01:10:33,875 If you change your mind, 1310 01:10:33,875 --> 01:10:37,458 I'll be right over here on cloud nine." 1311 01:10:37,458 --> 01:10:40,458 [applause] 1312 01:10:40,458 --> 01:10:43,125 [cheering] 1313 01:10:44,917 --> 01:10:46,750 Boston, love you. Good night. 1314 01:10:46,750 --> 01:10:48,875 Take the Lord with you. 1315 01:10:48,875 --> 01:10:49,875 [applause and cheers] 1316 01:10:49,875 --> 01:10:53,583 [♪♪♪] 1317 01:13:14,625 --> 01:13:18,875 [music fades out]