1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000 Downloaded from YTS.MX 2 00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:13,000 Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX 3 00:00:51,792 --> 00:00:54,000 Wassup, Boston? 4 00:00:55,709 --> 00:00:57,709 Go on, sit down sit down, y'all. 5 00:00:57,709 --> 00:00:59,542 Let's get at it! 6 00:00:59,542 --> 00:01:00,917 Yes, indeed, feedeede. 7 00:01:00,917 --> 00:01:04,166 I had to come to Boston and finish it off 8 00:01:04,166 --> 00:01:08,125 'cause right now, nigga, the world is fucked up, nigga. 9 00:01:08,125 --> 00:01:11,250 Nigga, you got hurricanes the size of Texas, 10 00:01:11,250 --> 00:01:12,208 y'understand me? 11 00:01:12,208 --> 00:01:13,208 And it's attackin' the motherfuckers 12 00:01:13,208 --> 00:01:16,291 that voted for the orange motherfucker. 13 00:01:21,709 --> 00:01:24,250 'Cause y'all know every hurricane start 14 00:01:24,250 --> 00:01:29,041 on the coast of Africa where they picked us up at. 15 00:01:29,041 --> 00:01:31,333 Them ain't hurricanes. Them is ol' nigga's spirits. 16 00:01:31,333 --> 00:01:33,125 You motherfuckers! 17 00:01:36,750 --> 00:01:38,625 It's all about white privilege, nigga. 18 00:01:38,625 --> 00:01:40,792 Don't get it twisted with this orange 19 00:01:40,792 --> 00:01:43,125 avengin' motherfucker they got in the White House. 20 00:01:45,417 --> 00:01:48,000 Yeah, that's what I call him, the Orange Avenger. 21 00:01:50,834 --> 00:01:52,750 'Cause white people want a hero, nigga. 22 00:01:52,750 --> 00:01:53,667 Y'know what I mean? 23 00:01:53,667 --> 00:01:56,583 It's after eight years of Obama, they like 24 00:01:56,583 --> 00:02:01,458 "We need somebody to save us from the tyranny of niggas." 25 00:02:01,458 --> 00:02:04,000 Who is it? The Orange Avenger! 26 00:02:06,709 --> 00:02:08,500 I don't understand you white folks. 27 00:02:08,500 --> 00:02:10,208 Y'all are really some pussy motherfuckers. 28 00:02:10,208 --> 00:02:13,792 I ain't gonna fight with ya or mix words. 29 00:02:13,792 --> 00:02:16,041 I'm not gonna give you an excuse 30 00:02:16,041 --> 00:02:17,500 for your innate ability to be racist motherfuckers 31 00:02:17,500 --> 00:02:21,208 and think everybody else supposed to deal with your shit. 32 00:02:21,208 --> 00:02:23,792 You need to get the fuck over yourself. 33 00:02:25,542 --> 00:02:27,000 Y'all soft. 34 00:02:27,000 --> 00:02:32,333 You couldn't handle eight years of a nigga bein' in charge. 35 00:02:32,333 --> 00:02:34,083 Nigga, we dealt with 450-plus years of you motherfuckers 36 00:02:34,083 --> 00:02:35,792 runnin' this country in the ground. 37 00:02:35,792 --> 00:02:38,500 We didn't go crazy. 38 00:02:40,625 --> 00:02:41,750 Y'understand me? 39 00:02:41,750 --> 00:02:43,583 Y'all fucked it up for 400-plus years. 40 00:02:43,583 --> 00:02:46,125 It only took us eight years to fix it. 41 00:02:47,291 --> 00:02:49,667 Y'all been back for eight or nine months 42 00:02:49,667 --> 00:02:51,041 and fucked it up again. 43 00:02:53,750 --> 00:02:56,959 White people, sometimes you gotta let go and let God. 44 00:02:59,333 --> 00:03:02,834 How you vote for a orange motherfucker? 45 00:03:02,834 --> 00:03:04,458 I thought y'all said y'all hated colored people. 46 00:03:08,125 --> 00:03:10,542 You don't get more colored than this motherfucker. 47 00:03:10,542 --> 00:03:12,917 He orange with pissy yellow hair. 48 00:03:12,917 --> 00:03:14,834 Look like he spent the night at R. Kelly house. 49 00:03:21,500 --> 00:03:23,208 And the motherfucker dirt dumb! 50 00:03:23,208 --> 00:03:25,667 I don't even know if y'all know what dirt dumb is. 51 00:03:25,667 --> 00:03:29,333 This motherfucker is so dumb he had a thought and it hurt. 52 00:03:29,333 --> 00:03:32,667 He lie every time he opens his mouth. 53 00:03:32,667 --> 00:03:35,583 He told broke white people whatever they wanted to hear. 54 00:03:35,583 --> 00:03:37,166 That's how he got they vote. Yeah! 55 00:03:37,166 --> 00:03:40,333 - All the trailer trash wanna know 56 00:03:40,333 --> 00:03:42,959 is that they better than a nigga. Yeah. 57 00:03:42,959 --> 00:03:44,333 - Trump promised them everything. 58 00:03:44,333 --> 00:03:47,208 "I promise you gonna be better than the nigga." 59 00:03:47,208 --> 00:03:49,875 "Trump said we gonna be better than a nigga. 60 00:03:49,875 --> 00:03:52,375 I'm gonna be better than that Jagger-Jagger nigga. 61 00:03:52,375 --> 00:03:55,000 I'm gonna be better than that Diddy-Diddy nigga. 62 00:03:55,000 --> 00:03:57,375 I'm gonna be better than that Griffin nigga. 63 00:03:57,375 --> 00:03:59,000 Better than a nigga." 64 00:03:59,000 --> 00:04:01,250 Y'ain't better than a nigga yet, are you? 65 00:04:01,250 --> 00:04:03,375 And then he promised them a wall. 66 00:04:03,375 --> 00:04:05,166 Where y'all wall at, white folks? 67 00:04:06,250 --> 00:04:08,625 What happened to the wall? Where is this-- 68 00:04:08,625 --> 00:04:10,375 There's no wall. 69 00:04:10,375 --> 00:04:12,917 'Cause the wall ain't comin', you stupid motherfuckers. 70 00:04:15,417 --> 00:04:16,542 And he always talking that shit, 71 00:04:16,542 --> 00:04:20,250 "Well, China built the Great Wall of China." 72 00:04:20,250 --> 00:04:22,375 Here's what this orange motherfucker don't understand. 73 00:04:22,375 --> 00:04:25,959 There's about one trillion Chinese. 74 00:04:25,959 --> 00:04:28,417 If each one of them grab a brick and toss it: wall. 75 00:04:31,583 --> 00:04:34,250 It wasn't that hard. It probably took 35 seconds. 76 00:04:35,583 --> 00:04:39,083 There's only 270 million Americans. 77 00:04:39,083 --> 00:04:41,125 Most of us are incarcerated. 78 00:04:42,375 --> 00:04:44,542 We ain't got enough motherfuckers outta jail 79 00:04:44,542 --> 00:04:46,208 to pick up a brick! 80 00:04:46,208 --> 00:04:48,500 And let's say they actually gave this fool 81 00:04:48,500 --> 00:04:50,667 the billions of dollars it would cost 82 00:04:50,667 --> 00:04:51,917 to build this monstrosity. 83 00:04:51,917 --> 00:04:54,625 Nigga, let me show you how easy it is 84 00:04:54,625 --> 00:04:57,959 for a Mexican to circumvent this shit. 85 00:04:57,959 --> 00:05:00,291 The wall's gonna end on the coast, right? 86 00:05:00,291 --> 00:05:01,417 California. 87 00:05:01,417 --> 00:05:03,625 That means it's gonna end at the ocean. 88 00:05:03,625 --> 00:05:05,375 Here's all the Mexican gotta do... 89 00:05:13,041 --> 00:05:15,709 Walk right around that motherfucker. 90 00:05:15,709 --> 00:05:19,625 They so racist they stupid. You can't stop a Mexican. 91 00:05:20,792 --> 00:05:24,625 Shit. Nigga, I got a Mexican. You're not gettin' mine. 92 00:05:24,625 --> 00:05:26,792 Every nigga in here got a Mexican. 93 00:05:26,792 --> 00:05:30,458 No black man has cut our own yard since '94, '95. 94 00:05:30,458 --> 00:05:33,750 A Mexican will cut a football field, nigga. 95 00:05:33,750 --> 00:05:34,750 Five dollars. 96 00:05:34,750 --> 00:05:36,917 Ask a nigga to cut some grass. 97 00:05:36,917 --> 00:05:39,000 We go, "I'll cut your motherfuckin' throat." 98 00:05:40,333 --> 00:05:42,166 "Nigga, I sell dope. I make ten G's a day. 99 00:05:42,166 --> 00:05:43,458 Bitch, what's your problem? 100 00:05:43,458 --> 00:05:46,500 Fuck outta here with that fuckboy shit." 101 00:05:48,166 --> 00:05:50,291 Let me explain somethin' to you. 102 00:05:50,291 --> 00:05:53,458 You better hope the Mexicans don't go nowhere. 103 00:05:53,458 --> 00:05:57,458 They pick all the vegetables, all the fruits. 104 00:05:57,458 --> 00:05:59,000 Nigga, they'll pick a whole field for 25 cents. 105 00:06:03,000 --> 00:06:05,208 You get rid of Mexicans, nigga, 106 00:06:05,208 --> 00:06:08,083 your carrot is gonna cost $3,000. 107 00:06:10,834 --> 00:06:14,166 Salads is goin' up to $1,500, nigga. 108 00:06:14,166 --> 00:06:16,208 And if you motherfuckers think a nigga is goin' back 109 00:06:16,208 --> 00:06:18,834 to pick anything... 110 00:06:21,041 --> 00:06:24,083 My pickin' years are over, motherfucker! 111 00:06:25,083 --> 00:06:28,667 All we gonna do is pick what side of the jaw 112 00:06:28,667 --> 00:06:29,583 to crack you in, you motherfucker. 113 00:06:33,417 --> 00:06:37,041 Nigga, we had the smartest president 114 00:06:37,041 --> 00:06:38,875 in the history of this country. 115 00:06:38,875 --> 00:06:40,667 Yes! - With Barack Obama. 116 00:06:44,291 --> 00:06:47,458 If you don't agree with that statement, pffft, go home, 117 00:06:47,458 --> 00:06:50,500 look in the mirror, you a racist motherfucker. 118 00:06:50,500 --> 00:06:53,875 Barack Obama taught law at Harvard University. 119 00:06:53,875 --> 00:06:55,375 Harvard, the number one law school on Earth. 120 00:06:55,375 --> 00:06:58,500 That mean that nigga's the law. 121 00:06:59,750 --> 00:07:02,417 That's why Congress couldn't fade him for eight years, nigga. 122 00:07:02,417 --> 00:07:03,500 He's smarter than all of them. 123 00:07:03,500 --> 00:07:07,041 "This nigga's a different kind." 124 00:07:07,041 --> 00:07:09,041 "This one here's a thinker." 125 00:07:11,500 --> 00:07:13,250 "What ya gonna do about it?" 126 00:07:13,250 --> 00:07:16,417 "Not a goddamn thing!" 127 00:07:16,417 --> 00:07:18,709 "We ain't gonna do shit for eight years, 128 00:07:18,709 --> 00:07:21,875 and we ain't gonna give this jigaboo an extra dollar." 129 00:07:23,542 --> 00:07:26,500 They didn't give that brotha an extra dollar for eight years. 130 00:07:26,500 --> 00:07:27,667 And he still balanced the budget. 131 00:07:30,125 --> 00:07:32,583 'Cause you white folks forgot somethin' about us niggas. 132 00:07:32,583 --> 00:07:36,583 Niggas know how to do the most with the least. 133 00:07:42,083 --> 00:07:43,834 See, Barack treated the whole country 134 00:07:43,834 --> 00:07:46,000 like a nigga treat our household budget. 135 00:07:46,000 --> 00:07:48,959 You go on, now niggas know how to move money. 136 00:07:48,959 --> 00:07:50,291 "You gonna pay that?" 137 00:07:50,291 --> 00:07:51,750 "No, nigga move that over there." 138 00:07:52,792 --> 00:07:54,959 "Ain't you gonna pay the gas bill?" 139 00:07:54,959 --> 00:07:56,417 "Fuck no! It's summertime. Pay the electric bill. 140 00:07:56,417 --> 00:07:57,792 We need the air conditioning. 141 00:07:59,959 --> 00:08:02,625 If ya' pay the gas bill in the wintertime, motherfucker. 142 00:08:02,625 --> 00:08:03,875 We need the heat. 143 00:08:03,875 --> 00:08:04,834 Priorities, motherfucker. 144 00:08:04,834 --> 00:08:05,750 Priorities." 145 00:08:08,250 --> 00:08:09,417 They hated Obama, nigga, 146 00:08:09,417 --> 00:08:12,458 because he was everything they wished they could be. 147 00:08:12,458 --> 00:08:15,000 That's right. - Nigga, Obama has swag, nigga. 148 00:08:15,000 --> 00:08:17,333 Yeah. - Obama walk in the room. 149 00:08:17,333 --> 00:08:18,917 Nigga, the room shut down. 150 00:08:19,750 --> 00:08:23,709 The nigga had jokes for that ass. 151 00:08:23,709 --> 00:08:27,333 We had the finest First Lady. Yeah! 152 00:08:27,333 --> 00:08:28,917 - In the history of this motherfuckin' country. 153 00:08:28,917 --> 00:08:35,000 In my humble opinion. If Michelle, so motherfuckin' fine, 154 00:08:35,000 --> 00:08:37,166 intelligent nigga. Chocolate mother. 155 00:08:37,166 --> 00:08:38,375 She had an ass, nigga... 156 00:08:38,375 --> 00:08:42,500 You know what I mean? It's the first time there was an ass 157 00:08:42,500 --> 00:08:44,208 in that goddamn raggedy White House. 158 00:08:45,834 --> 00:08:49,458 She was too much a queen to even be in that fucked-up shit. 159 00:08:49,458 --> 00:08:53,000 Every time she walked out the front door of the White House, 160 00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:53,709 nigga, the whole country said, "Goddamn!" 161 00:08:55,625 --> 00:08:57,834 Secret Service used to walk behind her. 162 00:08:57,834 --> 00:09:00,166 "Here, let me carry that, help you. 163 00:09:00,166 --> 00:09:01,500 Help you carry that." 164 00:09:02,667 --> 00:09:07,208 Now you got this flat booty, ironin' board back Trump wife. 165 00:09:07,208 --> 00:09:08,750 Nigga, she ain't got no ass at all. 166 00:09:08,750 --> 00:09:11,792 She come out, the whole country like, "Whatever." 167 00:09:13,041 --> 00:09:15,166 Secret Service standin' next to her and, 168 00:09:15,166 --> 00:09:17,375 "Hmmpf, there's nothin' back there to guard." 169 00:09:17,375 --> 00:09:20,000 "Come on. When I move, you move just like that." 170 00:09:25,208 --> 00:09:28,041 I don't even think she's Trump's wife. 171 00:09:28,041 --> 00:09:32,000 Yeah, you better see in to CNN. Come with me for a minute. 172 00:09:32,000 --> 00:09:36,375 I think this bitch is Putin's number one KGB female agent. 173 00:09:38,625 --> 00:09:41,542 'Cause I know a killer when I see one. 174 00:09:41,542 --> 00:09:45,083 I grew up in the projects. That bitch got a 40-yard stare. 175 00:09:45,083 --> 00:09:46,417 She done killed before. 176 00:09:46,417 --> 00:09:48,667 She got a lotta bodies on her, nigga. 177 00:09:48,667 --> 00:09:50,834 You can look at that bitch stare. 178 00:09:50,834 --> 00:09:52,959 Nigga, she on assignment like a motherfucker. 179 00:09:52,959 --> 00:09:54,250 Hell yeah, niggas. 180 00:09:54,250 --> 00:09:56,792 'Cause she front his ass off every chance she get. 181 00:09:56,792 --> 00:09:59,000 He be tryin' to shake her hand, 182 00:09:59,000 --> 00:10:01,250 she be like, "Don't you touch me. 183 00:10:01,250 --> 00:10:02,750 You're the worst assignment I've ever been given. 184 00:10:02,750 --> 00:10:06,333 I'm waiting on Vladimir to give me the call. 185 00:10:06,333 --> 00:10:08,208 I'll kill your orange ass in your sleep." 186 00:10:10,458 --> 00:10:12,583 That's why that motherfucker don't sleep, nigga. 187 00:10:12,583 --> 00:10:14,417 He up late Tweetin' like a motherfucker, 188 00:10:14,417 --> 00:10:14,709 "Help me. Help me." 189 00:10:17,291 --> 00:10:19,458 There's a Jerry Springer show goin' on in 190 00:10:19,458 --> 00:10:20,792 that goddamn White House. 191 00:10:20,792 --> 00:10:22,917 I don't know what you ooohin' for. 192 00:10:22,917 --> 00:10:26,000 He said it hisself on TV. Yes, he did! 193 00:10:27,250 --> 00:10:29,458 He said, "Nigga, if that wasn't my daughter, 194 00:10:29,458 --> 00:10:31,291 she's so fine, we'd be fuckin'." 195 00:10:31,291 --> 00:10:32,375 I got three daughters. 196 00:10:32,375 --> 00:10:35,583 Every man in here that got a daughter, nigga, 197 00:10:35,583 --> 00:10:37,750 you don't look at your daughter sexually. 198 00:10:37,750 --> 00:10:40,750 The fact that that came outta that maggot motherfucker's brain 199 00:10:40,750 --> 00:10:43,458 lets you know what kinda sick individual you fuckin' with. 200 00:10:51,125 --> 00:10:54,333 Let me explain somethin' to my white friends here. 201 00:10:54,333 --> 00:10:58,166 Y'all don't really know or appreciate how lucky you were 202 00:10:58,166 --> 00:11:01,291 that Obama was the first black president. 203 00:11:01,291 --> 00:11:06,166 That is truly the nicest nigga America could produce. 204 00:11:08,166 --> 00:11:14,959 For if it was any other nigga in here, including me... 205 00:11:14,959 --> 00:11:18,083 Day one of the Griffin Administration, 206 00:11:18,083 --> 00:11:19,875 right after the inniggaration... 207 00:11:21,667 --> 00:11:23,542 White slavery! 208 00:11:27,917 --> 00:11:31,250 Payback's a bitch! 209 00:11:31,250 --> 00:11:34,333 Y'all'd've been some cotton-pickin' motherfuckers. 210 00:11:34,333 --> 00:11:36,000 Under that Griffin Administration. 211 00:11:36,000 --> 00:11:40,500 Now don't get me wrong. I'd be nice to my white slaves. 212 00:11:40,500 --> 00:11:41,875 I'd let y'all pick cotton at night. 213 00:11:44,583 --> 00:11:45,834 That way your skin don't burn up. 214 00:11:48,208 --> 00:11:51,667 You got to let your white slaves work the night shift. 215 00:11:51,667 --> 00:11:54,875 As soon as the sun go down, "Goddammit, here we go again!" 216 00:11:57,750 --> 00:12:00,875 And let's keep it 100, y'all. 217 00:12:00,875 --> 00:12:04,709 I think white people coulda been slaves for about five minutes. 218 00:12:04,709 --> 00:12:06,375 No, they too arrogant, nigga. 219 00:12:06,375 --> 00:12:09,458 They'd be out in the field, "This is some fuckin' bullshit! 220 00:12:11,041 --> 00:12:14,375 Do you have any sunscreen? I'm fuckin' peelin'! 221 00:12:14,375 --> 00:12:18,709 It's fuckin' hot, master. It's fuckin' hot. 222 00:12:18,709 --> 00:12:21,166 I'm gonna sue you, master nigga. 223 00:12:21,166 --> 00:12:22,917 I'm gonna sue you, master." 224 00:12:26,959 --> 00:12:30,625 Nigga, the black slave owners come out on their porch. 225 00:12:33,250 --> 00:12:35,875 "Go on and let 'em go. 226 00:12:35,875 --> 00:12:38,000 They didn't pick nothin' no goddamn way. 227 00:12:38,000 --> 00:12:40,542 All they do is lay on the ground 228 00:12:40,542 --> 00:12:43,375 and bitch about how hot it is. 229 00:12:43,375 --> 00:12:45,000 Them motherfuckers keep singin' outta tune. 230 00:12:47,583 --> 00:12:48,959 Don't nobody wanna hear that shit." 231 00:12:55,250 --> 00:12:58,250 'Cause nigga, when we were indentured servants 232 00:12:58,250 --> 00:13:01,375 out in that hot motherfuckin' sun pickin' cotton, 233 00:13:01,375 --> 00:13:04,250 we wasn't on the ground bitchin' about the heat. 234 00:13:04,250 --> 00:13:06,458 Them brothas and sistas were strong, nigga. 235 00:13:06,458 --> 00:13:09,083 Nigga, they still had a song in their heart. 236 00:13:09,083 --> 00:13:11,500 They was out there singin' their ass off. 237 00:13:17,208 --> 00:13:20,083 ♪ Jesus why ♪ 238 00:13:20,083 --> 00:13:25,792 ♪ Come on down and kill that honky Jesus ♪ 239 00:13:25,792 --> 00:13:26,083 Y'all remember that one? 240 00:13:28,625 --> 00:13:30,125 Nigga, that was a Top Ten Negro spiritual. 241 00:13:32,375 --> 00:13:33,834 Fuck y'all, nigga. 242 00:13:33,834 --> 00:13:36,375 That motherfucker went quadruple cotton. 243 00:13:37,333 --> 00:13:39,750 See, we didn't have platinum back then. 244 00:13:40,917 --> 00:13:43,792 I see some of you motherfuckers lookin' at me 245 00:13:43,792 --> 00:13:46,041 like, "He gonna sing 'Go Down, Moses.'" 246 00:13:46,041 --> 00:13:48,625 I don't go back that far. 247 00:13:48,625 --> 00:13:49,375 I sing "Kill That Honky." 248 00:13:52,250 --> 00:13:54,834 Nigga, if you had white slaves out in the field singin', 249 00:13:54,834 --> 00:13:57,750 they'd be fuckin' a good song up. 250 00:14:02,792 --> 00:14:05,166 ♪ "Fuckin' ain't right ♪ 251 00:14:05,166 --> 00:14:08,166 ♪ Oh no yeah right kee-kee-kee-ha" ♪ 252 00:14:09,625 --> 00:14:12,125 Nigga, the black master come out on his porch, 253 00:14:12,125 --> 00:14:14,125 "What that motherfucker singin'? 254 00:14:14,125 --> 00:14:17,917 Oh, no! Fuck that. Kill that motherfucker. 255 00:14:17,917 --> 00:14:20,333 Ain't no devil worshippin' on this plantation. 256 00:14:20,333 --> 00:14:23,333 This here the Lord's plantation, motherfucker. 257 00:14:23,333 --> 00:14:24,166 What the fuck is a kee 258 00:14:26,625 --> 00:14:27,542 Now clear out. 259 00:14:27,542 --> 00:14:30,500 I'll pick the cotton my goddamn self." 260 00:14:30,500 --> 00:14:33,500 "Hey, hey, slow down, nigga. Slow your ass down. 261 00:14:33,500 --> 00:14:35,000 Now don't you touch that big-booty white girl." 262 00:14:35,000 --> 00:14:38,709 "No, master, I was right here on my porch. 263 00:14:38,709 --> 00:14:40,792 I swear that she didn't do nothin'. 264 00:14:40,792 --> 00:14:43,083 As for the rest of them. Get them. 265 00:14:43,083 --> 00:14:45,458 Leave that big-booty white girl alone. 266 00:14:45,458 --> 00:14:47,250 Master Dick don't discriminate. 267 00:14:48,875 --> 00:14:52,083 Now, I don't like 'em, but my dick say they all right." 268 00:14:54,542 --> 00:14:56,333 "Come right this way. Come on. 269 00:14:56,333 --> 00:14:57,166 Now get on in there. 270 00:14:57,166 --> 00:14:59,458 We gonna make some little niglets." 271 00:15:04,750 --> 00:15:07,834 'Cause what's ailin' our beautiful country is racism. 272 00:15:07,834 --> 00:15:08,750 Yes! 273 00:15:08,750 --> 00:15:12,959 - Pussy can cure racism. It has already. 274 00:15:12,959 --> 00:15:16,208 You wanna fix this country, start fuckin'! 275 00:15:16,208 --> 00:15:17,709 If you don't believe me, it's already happenin'. 276 00:15:17,709 --> 00:15:19,041 Look around the room. 277 00:15:19,041 --> 00:15:21,041 There go two of them right there. 278 00:15:23,917 --> 00:15:25,542 That white boy gave up. 279 00:15:25,542 --> 00:15:27,417 "Oh, fuck it. I'm with the niggas." 280 00:15:29,458 --> 00:15:32,083 'Cause pussy cure racism, man. 281 00:15:32,083 --> 00:15:34,959 That redneck motherfucker be talkin' careshit. 282 00:15:34,959 --> 00:15:38,417 "Who bein' fucked by a nigga? Fuck them porch monkeys." 283 00:15:38,417 --> 00:15:41,417 That motherfucker get some of that chocolate pussy... 284 00:15:55,000 --> 00:15:55,792 "Well, you know they're human." 285 00:16:00,917 --> 00:16:02,917 Nigga be talkin' careshit. 286 00:16:02,917 --> 00:16:04,542 "Man, fuck them honky motherfuckers. 287 00:16:04,542 --> 00:16:06,542 I don't trust them crackers." 288 00:16:06,542 --> 00:16:08,208 Nigga gets some of that kink-pink. 289 00:16:13,208 --> 00:16:16,417 You know we got a longer stroke, nigga. 290 00:16:28,959 --> 00:16:31,417 Nigga, there's this ol' sayin'. 291 00:16:31,417 --> 00:16:33,959 I'm sure the older brothas and sistas in here 292 00:16:33,959 --> 00:16:35,625 done heard it before me, 293 00:16:35,625 --> 00:16:38,000 and it still holds water today, nigga. 294 00:16:38,000 --> 00:16:40,792 If God made somethin' better than pussy, 295 00:16:40,792 --> 00:16:43,417 he kept it for himself. 296 00:16:45,333 --> 00:16:50,500 Nigga, I don't think there's a man in this room on this Earth 297 00:16:50,500 --> 00:16:53,000 that can handle somethin' better than pussy. 298 00:16:53,000 --> 00:16:54,291 Pussy already break your wallet. 299 00:16:56,667 --> 00:16:58,500 Dicks don't break purses. 300 00:17:00,542 --> 00:17:05,000 Countries have gone to war over pussy. 301 00:17:05,000 --> 00:17:07,083 There are no dick wars. 302 00:17:08,667 --> 00:17:12,125 Pussy will leave with your house. 303 00:17:12,125 --> 00:17:14,208 I don't think you hear me. 304 00:17:14,208 --> 00:17:15,792 There's a bitch walkin' outta a courtroom right now 305 00:17:15,792 --> 00:17:17,834 somewhere on Earth 306 00:17:17,834 --> 00:17:20,667 with a brand-new house after the divorce. 307 00:17:20,667 --> 00:17:22,834 That bitch walk out, "Girl, what you get?" 308 00:17:22,834 --> 00:17:24,166 "I got the house." 309 00:17:26,375 --> 00:17:30,250 You ain't never seen dick walk outta courtroom with shit! 310 00:17:30,250 --> 00:17:32,000 "Hey, my dude, what you get?" 311 00:17:32,000 --> 00:17:33,250 "Nigga, I gotta get a job. 312 00:17:35,417 --> 00:17:36,834 Yeah. I gotta pay alimony. 313 00:17:36,834 --> 00:17:39,542 Mony, mony, child support. 314 00:17:39,542 --> 00:17:41,208 I ain't even gettin' the pussy no more, man!" 315 00:17:47,834 --> 00:17:50,709 Pussy get free shit. 316 00:17:50,709 --> 00:17:52,917 No woman in my audience tonight 317 00:17:52,917 --> 00:17:56,458 shoulda bought a motherfuckin' ticket to my show. 318 00:17:56,458 --> 00:17:57,834 Pussy get free shit. 319 00:17:57,834 --> 00:17:58,917 Look at the dumb bitches in here, 320 00:17:58,917 --> 00:18:01,291 "I'm doin' it all wrong." 321 00:18:01,291 --> 00:18:02,375 You sure is, you stupid motherfucker. 322 00:18:03,875 --> 00:18:07,083 Pussy get free shit! 323 00:18:07,083 --> 00:18:09,333 "Hey, baby, I wanna see Eddie Griffin. 324 00:18:09,333 --> 00:18:13,667 Give me 240 nigga tickets. My pussy wanna laugh." 325 00:18:13,667 --> 00:18:14,583 "I'm hungry." 326 00:18:14,583 --> 00:18:17,542 "Feed my pussy. Whatever it want, on me. 327 00:18:17,542 --> 00:18:19,083 I got it." 328 00:18:19,083 --> 00:18:20,667 "I wanna see a movie." 329 00:18:20,667 --> 00:18:23,083 "Two tickets for the pussy, please. 330 00:18:23,083 --> 00:18:26,458 Give the pussy some popcorn, too. 331 00:18:26,458 --> 00:18:28,250 Small Coke. The bitch got diabetes. 332 00:18:28,250 --> 00:18:30,417 I don't want her dyin' on me." 333 00:18:36,917 --> 00:18:39,750 Pussy get free shit! 334 00:18:39,750 --> 00:18:41,250 Dick don't get shit free. 335 00:18:41,250 --> 00:18:43,750 Nigga, ask your woman for somethin' to eat. 336 00:18:43,750 --> 00:18:45,250 "Look in the 'frigerator, nigga. Somethin' in there." 337 00:18:45,250 --> 00:18:48,583 "Hey, baby, I'd like to see a movie." 338 00:18:48,583 --> 00:18:50,458 "We got cable, nigga. Turn it on." 339 00:18:51,333 --> 00:18:55,041 The only time dick gets free shit 340 00:18:55,041 --> 00:18:58,917 is when you come off the ceiling on the pussy. 341 00:18:59,750 --> 00:19:01,917 Now I see you young motherfuckers 342 00:19:01,917 --> 00:19:04,750 lookin' at me like, "Oh, hey, what's that mean?" 343 00:19:04,750 --> 00:19:08,542 The older brothas in here, like, "You know it, nigga." 344 00:19:08,542 --> 00:19:12,417 When you come off the ceiling, you young motherfuckers, 345 00:19:12,417 --> 00:19:16,625 that's when you go up so high on the upstroke, 346 00:19:16,625 --> 00:19:18,375 the ceiling fan smack you in the ass. 347 00:19:22,375 --> 00:19:23,542 You gotta beat a pussy up, nigga. 348 00:19:25,834 --> 00:19:29,166 You gotta hit that motherfucker in the mouth. Wham! 349 00:19:29,166 --> 00:19:31,667 You gotta swell that bitch up, nigga. 350 00:19:33,750 --> 00:19:37,000 You gotta make it look like a wasp's nest stung it. 351 00:19:39,000 --> 00:19:41,291 Nigga, you gotta give pussy a ten count. 352 00:19:44,834 --> 00:19:48,250 Pussy out! 353 00:19:49,500 --> 00:19:52,000 If you did it right, that bitch gotta soak in some Epsom salt 354 00:19:52,000 --> 00:19:53,458 for a couple of days. 355 00:19:55,667 --> 00:19:57,000 And look at the little-dick motherfuckers in here. 356 00:19:57,000 --> 00:19:58,291 "It really happen like that?" 357 00:20:00,709 --> 00:20:02,500 Yeah, little motherfucker. 358 00:20:06,208 --> 00:20:08,667 Nigga, I'm handlin' my business. 359 00:20:08,667 --> 00:20:12,041 You know, I ain't gonna sit up here and brag, nigga, 360 00:20:12,041 --> 00:20:13,917 but you know, I get return visits. 361 00:20:17,041 --> 00:20:19,166 You know when you doin' somethin', nigga. 362 00:20:19,166 --> 00:20:21,625 You fly into their town or country... 363 00:20:21,625 --> 00:20:23,041 'cause I'm an international nigga. 364 00:20:23,041 --> 00:20:24,250 I get around. 365 00:20:25,542 --> 00:20:30,500 And they like, "You with anybody tonight? 366 00:20:30,500 --> 00:20:33,375 You wanna reminisce?" 367 00:20:33,375 --> 00:20:34,709 'Cause you done put that... 368 00:20:38,875 --> 00:20:40,125 I'm handlin' my nigga. 369 00:20:40,125 --> 00:20:42,709 Before I flew out here to shoot this, nigga, 370 00:20:42,709 --> 00:20:44,917 my wife's sittin' in the kitchen, nigga, 371 00:20:44,917 --> 00:20:48,417 and she said, "Yeah, I wish I could cut your dick off 372 00:20:48,417 --> 00:20:49,333 before you leave." 373 00:20:49,333 --> 00:20:50,959 I said, "Excuse me?" 374 00:20:50,959 --> 00:20:54,583 I was in a state of shock, too, nigga. I just backed up. 375 00:20:54,583 --> 00:20:57,250 You know, the bitch had a knife in her hand. 376 00:20:57,250 --> 00:20:58,583 She was cookin', but fuck the dumb shit. 377 00:20:58,583 --> 00:21:00,208 I ain't takin' no chance. 378 00:21:00,208 --> 00:21:03,125 I said, "So what the fuck is that all about?" 379 00:21:03,125 --> 00:21:06,709 She like, "That way I know when you get to Boston, nigga, 380 00:21:06,709 --> 00:21:09,125 you just filmin', not out there fuckin' around. 381 00:21:09,125 --> 00:21:11,750 I'm tired of you comin' home with new children." 382 00:21:15,208 --> 00:21:17,917 I didn't have no answer for that new. 383 00:21:17,917 --> 00:21:20,875 I got ten kids, nigga. I ain't tellin' on myself. 384 00:21:20,875 --> 00:21:22,750 Quieter than a motherfucker. 385 00:21:22,750 --> 00:21:24,250 I was mad, too, nigga. 386 00:21:24,250 --> 00:21:25,917 I'm sittin' in the kitchen. 387 00:21:25,917 --> 00:21:28,542 "This bitch ain't gonna hit me with a zinger. 388 00:21:28,542 --> 00:21:30,667 I'm the comedian in this motherfuckin' family. 389 00:21:30,667 --> 00:21:32,792 I'm the nigga that tell the jokes. 390 00:21:32,792 --> 00:21:33,959 You don't hit me with a one-liner 391 00:21:33,959 --> 00:21:36,792 and shut me the fuck up. 392 00:21:36,792 --> 00:21:39,834 Shit, who the fuck do you think you is, bitch? 393 00:21:39,834 --> 00:21:40,917 You outta your motherfuckin' mind. 394 00:21:40,917 --> 00:21:43,834 I'll fuck you..." Said all that shit to myself. 395 00:21:44,750 --> 00:21:48,625 She had the knife in her hand. I ain't stupid, you know. 396 00:21:48,625 --> 00:21:50,208 I almost missed the flight gettin' here, nigga, 397 00:21:50,208 --> 00:21:52,583 because I hate losin', nigga. 398 00:21:52,583 --> 00:21:54,875 I don't know how to lose, nigga. 399 00:21:54,875 --> 00:21:58,375 So, nigga, I'm sittin' there 'til my brain turned back on. 400 00:21:58,375 --> 00:22:01,792 I'm like, "This bitch ain't just gonna leave me with this shit." 401 00:22:01,792 --> 00:22:03,917 Nigga, my brain finally turned back on. 402 00:22:03,917 --> 00:22:05,458 Said, "What you got against kids? 403 00:22:06,291 --> 00:22:08,208 Just 'cause they ain't yours?" 404 00:22:08,208 --> 00:22:11,625 That bitch threw that knife, nigga. 405 00:22:11,625 --> 00:22:13,458 And see, I made it here safely. 406 00:22:15,208 --> 00:22:17,959 I was thinkin' about the shit on the flight, nigga. 407 00:22:17,959 --> 00:22:19,041 I said, "Damn." 408 00:22:19,041 --> 00:22:22,125 Now all this time I thought she was gettin' upset 409 00:22:22,125 --> 00:22:24,750 over stupid shit 'cause I live in Vegas, nigga. 410 00:22:24,750 --> 00:22:25,500 Like comin' home the next afternoon." 411 00:22:28,625 --> 00:22:30,375 I'm tryin' to win my money back, nigga. 412 00:22:30,375 --> 00:22:33,458 And immediately she think a nigga fuckin'. 413 00:22:33,458 --> 00:22:34,792 "You out there fuckin'." 414 00:22:34,792 --> 00:22:35,875 "Not all the time." 415 00:22:38,291 --> 00:22:39,500 I'm an honest nigga. Not all the time. 416 00:22:41,417 --> 00:22:44,166 Nigga, I was thinkin' about it. 417 00:22:44,166 --> 00:22:46,291 Nigga, I said, "Nigga, it's the dickin'." 418 00:22:46,291 --> 00:22:49,500 This whole time I'm thinkin' this shit is about time. 419 00:22:49,500 --> 00:22:52,500 Fellas, it ain't about time. It's about the dickin'. 420 00:22:52,500 --> 00:22:55,834 See, if you dick her down properly, 421 00:22:55,834 --> 00:22:57,291 now the Knights of the Round Table know 422 00:22:57,291 --> 00:22:58,709 what I'm talkin' about. 423 00:22:58,709 --> 00:23:01,417 You little-dick motherfuckers, just think about it. 424 00:23:03,000 --> 00:23:04,375 But if you dick her down properly, 425 00:23:04,375 --> 00:23:08,375 her brain becomes dicktified. 426 00:23:08,375 --> 00:23:09,875 Root word, addickted. 427 00:23:09,875 --> 00:23:13,375 Nigga, all she think about is your dick 24 hours a day. 428 00:23:13,375 --> 00:23:16,208 Nigga, you walk outta your house, 429 00:23:16,208 --> 00:23:18,041 that bitch like, "The dick is leavin'. 430 00:23:19,000 --> 00:23:20,500 Who the dick leavin' with? 431 00:23:20,500 --> 00:23:23,834 You know, when you left here yesterday, 432 00:23:23,834 --> 00:23:26,208 I called the dick on the phone. The dick didn't answer. 433 00:23:26,208 --> 00:23:28,583 What is the dick doin'?" 434 00:23:28,583 --> 00:23:30,750 Nigga, if you dick 'em down proper, 435 00:23:30,750 --> 00:23:33,625 you take three steps outta your house, 436 00:23:33,625 --> 00:23:36,542 a female mind immediately comes up with scenarios 437 00:23:36,542 --> 00:23:40,542 that have nothin' to do with reality. 438 00:23:40,542 --> 00:23:44,542 Nigga, you go uno, dos, tres, "Bye, baby." 439 00:23:44,542 --> 00:23:47,959 "Hold it, nigga. Who you think you foolin'? 440 00:23:47,959 --> 00:23:49,875 You think I'm stupid, don't ya? 441 00:23:49,875 --> 00:23:51,709 Talkin' about you goin' to shoot. 442 00:23:51,709 --> 00:23:55,333 Pool, Eddie. Ain't nobody shot pool since 1973. 443 00:23:57,500 --> 00:23:58,667 You out there fuckin', you little black motherfucker!" 444 00:24:02,333 --> 00:24:03,542 I started thinkin' about this shit. 445 00:24:03,542 --> 00:24:08,083 Fellas, if we had detachable dicks, 446 00:24:08,083 --> 00:24:09,709 and ladies, be honest with your motherfuckin' self, 447 00:24:09,709 --> 00:24:13,417 y'all wouldn't give a fuck if we ever came in. 448 00:24:14,709 --> 00:24:16,959 Nigga, we could stay gone for a week, 449 00:24:16,959 --> 00:24:18,083 two weeks maybe. 450 00:24:18,083 --> 00:24:19,583 Her girlfriend will come over. 451 00:24:19,583 --> 00:24:21,291 "I ain't seen your husband. 452 00:24:21,291 --> 00:24:24,417 Every time I come over here, that nigga ain't here. 453 00:24:24,417 --> 00:24:26,750 Did y'all get into an argument or somethin'? 454 00:24:26,750 --> 00:24:28,125 Y'all get a divorce?" 455 00:24:28,125 --> 00:24:30,083 She like, "No girl. Shit, Eddie left, when was it? 456 00:24:30,083 --> 00:24:32,208 Last Friday? 457 00:24:32,208 --> 00:24:34,166 Oh, the nigga ain't doin' nothin', though, 458 00:24:34,166 --> 00:24:36,000 'cause the dick is in the drawer." 459 00:24:37,709 --> 00:24:41,542 "The dick is in the drawer. You wanna play with it?" 460 00:24:43,792 --> 00:24:47,166 "Nigga, your ass really somewhere shootin' pool? 461 00:24:48,625 --> 00:24:49,583 You talkin' careshit. Yeah, nigga. 462 00:24:49,583 --> 00:24:53,166 Two times off the rail corner pocket. 463 00:24:53,166 --> 00:24:55,458 Nigga, I done beat you two games, nigga. 464 00:24:55,458 --> 00:24:56,625 Ain't nobody set your ass up. 465 00:24:56,625 --> 00:24:59,792 Put your money where your mouth is, nigga. 466 00:24:59,792 --> 00:25:01,166 Otherwise close it. 467 00:25:01,166 --> 00:25:03,417 Your breath smells like you had a shit sandwich." 468 00:25:10,208 --> 00:25:11,417 "Hold on there, nigga. 469 00:25:14,667 --> 00:25:17,000 Y'all play without me. 470 00:25:18,458 --> 00:25:19,792 My wife is playin' with my dick again. 471 00:25:24,500 --> 00:25:25,834 She lettin' her girlfriend play." 472 00:25:37,709 --> 00:25:40,375 Ladies, what's good for the goose 473 00:25:40,375 --> 00:25:41,834 is good for the gander. 474 00:25:44,041 --> 00:25:47,750 See, if my wife got the bomb, that's why she got the ring. 475 00:25:47,750 --> 00:25:49,667 "Baby, where you goin'?" 476 00:25:49,667 --> 00:25:54,458 "Uh-- we gonna go out. It's girls' night out." 477 00:25:59,333 --> 00:26:01,041 "Put the pussy in the drawer. 478 00:26:03,041 --> 00:26:05,875 Put the pussy in the motherfuckin' drawer. 479 00:26:05,875 --> 00:26:09,792 Take them lips off. In the drawer. 480 00:26:09,792 --> 00:26:12,458 Oh, bitch, you ain't goin' nowhere with that throat. 481 00:26:13,542 --> 00:26:15,375 In the drawer. 482 00:26:15,375 --> 00:26:18,125 Take them titties off, bitch. Right on top. 483 00:26:18,125 --> 00:26:19,417 In the drawer. 484 00:26:19,417 --> 00:26:21,834 You ain't goin' nowhere with that right hand, either, bitch. 485 00:26:23,750 --> 00:26:25,750 In the drawer." 486 00:26:25,750 --> 00:26:28,291 Them bitches meet up at the club, like, 487 00:26:28,291 --> 00:26:31,000 "He wouldn't let me leave with my ass." 488 00:26:32,208 --> 00:26:34,750 "He wouldn't let me leave with my ass." 489 00:26:36,875 --> 00:26:40,041 Nigga, you know one of them bitches show up blind. 490 00:26:40,041 --> 00:26:43,000 "He told me he don't want me lookin' at nobody." 491 00:26:47,500 --> 00:26:51,375 I'm just sayin', ladies, y'all got more shit 492 00:26:51,375 --> 00:26:53,625 you gonna have to come up off of. 493 00:26:53,625 --> 00:26:56,750 That hair, in the motherfuckin' drawer. 494 00:26:56,750 --> 00:26:58,417 Them eyelashes. They ain't yours. 495 00:26:58,417 --> 00:27:02,125 No goddamn way. In the motherfuckin' drawer. 496 00:27:02,125 --> 00:27:05,041 And bitch, take them motherfuckin' feet off. 497 00:27:05,041 --> 00:27:06,834 Some of these niggas got foot fetishes. 498 00:27:08,792 --> 00:27:10,959 Nigga, I get done with my wife, 499 00:27:10,959 --> 00:27:12,750 she gonna be a motherfuckin' head. 500 00:27:13,125 --> 00:27:15,375 I'll grab her by her eye-not-havin'-ass 501 00:27:15,375 --> 00:27:17,875 and roll her out the door. 502 00:27:18,917 --> 00:27:24,333 "Have fun, baby! I hope y'all goin' bowlin'. 503 00:27:24,333 --> 00:27:27,291 That's all the fuck you gonna be able to do. 504 00:27:27,291 --> 00:27:30,458 I'm gonna fuck the shit out your body while you're gone." 505 00:27:32,625 --> 00:27:35,250 I told you, nigga, I'm comin' to hurt you. 506 00:27:35,250 --> 00:27:38,250 I don't do chuckles, nigga. 507 00:27:38,250 --> 00:27:39,458 I'll hurt you, nigga. 508 00:27:39,458 --> 00:27:41,458 You'll leave my show with a six-pack. 509 00:27:42,125 --> 00:27:44,125 "Hey, nigga, where you been trainin' at?" 510 00:27:44,125 --> 00:27:45,208 "That Eddie Griffin show, nigga. 511 00:27:45,208 --> 00:27:47,750 That nigga tighten your shit right up, nigga." 512 00:27:51,709 --> 00:27:53,750 Nigga, you remember when... 513 00:27:53,750 --> 00:27:56,375 Nigga, you remember when you was 16? 514 00:27:56,375 --> 00:27:59,834 How many fellas in here remember when you was 16, nigga? 515 00:27:59,834 --> 00:28:02,667 You remember, nigga, we could fuck seven to nine times a day? 516 00:28:02,667 --> 00:28:04,500 Well, some of you motherfuckers 517 00:28:04,500 --> 00:28:07,458 got a short libido, nigga. 518 00:28:07,458 --> 00:28:08,959 Seven to nine wasn't shit for me, nigga. 519 00:28:08,959 --> 00:28:11,333 Breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks in-between, 520 00:28:11,333 --> 00:28:13,000 late-night snack, before breakfast. 521 00:28:13,000 --> 00:28:16,000 Nigga, when you was 16, nigga, you bust a nut, 522 00:28:16,000 --> 00:28:19,250 your shit come right back in ten seconds. 523 00:28:19,250 --> 00:28:20,458 "Oh, yeah. Oh, you was good, bitch. 524 00:28:20,458 --> 00:28:22,375 Hey, we ain't done." 525 00:28:23,542 --> 00:28:27,583 Nigga, when I got in my 20s, I could still go, nigga. 526 00:28:27,583 --> 00:28:30,583 Breakfast, lunch, dinner, late-night snack, early mornin'. 527 00:28:30,583 --> 00:28:33,375 Nigga, you get in your 30s, 528 00:28:33,375 --> 00:28:36,375 "Hey, you wanna fuck before we go to work 529 00:28:36,375 --> 00:28:37,875 or when we get off?" 530 00:28:39,041 --> 00:28:41,959 Your ass start gettin' tired, nigga. 531 00:28:41,959 --> 00:28:43,792 Nigga, you get in your 40s, 532 00:28:43,792 --> 00:28:47,125 "Uh, look, we gonna fuck Monday..." 533 00:28:47,125 --> 00:28:49,000 "Wednesday..." 534 00:28:49,000 --> 00:28:51,125 "You wanna do Friday after work?" 535 00:28:51,125 --> 00:28:54,375 "Or Saturday after the club?" 536 00:28:54,375 --> 00:28:56,041 Nigger, you get in your 50s... 537 00:28:58,542 --> 00:29:00,875 "Thursday good for me." 538 00:29:02,083 --> 00:29:03,041 "Thursday? Oh, no! 539 00:29:03,041 --> 00:29:06,083 We ain't doin' shit on the weekend, bitch. 540 00:29:06,083 --> 00:29:08,333 That mouth's been drivin' this nigga crazy." 541 00:29:08,333 --> 00:29:10,417 "Sunday's out, bitch. I'm watchin' the game." 542 00:29:10,417 --> 00:29:11,208 "I said Thursday. 543 00:29:11,208 --> 00:29:13,458 Thursday. Thursday then. Yeah." 544 00:29:14,917 --> 00:29:17,875 Nigga, you get 60, 70, 545 00:29:17,875 --> 00:29:23,417 "Uh, lookie here, we gonna fuck December 17. 546 00:29:26,166 --> 00:29:29,792 At approximately 4:37. 547 00:29:29,792 --> 00:29:33,208 I'm gonna put a strong three minutes on ya. 548 00:29:35,083 --> 00:29:38,709 Then I'll see your ass again next year. 549 00:29:38,709 --> 00:29:40,375 If we still alive." 550 00:29:44,792 --> 00:29:47,583 'Cause the older we get, nigga, 551 00:29:47,583 --> 00:29:50,166 God put a tickin' clock on our dick. 552 00:29:50,166 --> 00:29:52,458 It has to die, nigga. 553 00:29:52,458 --> 00:29:55,500 You ain't supposed to have children when you're 77. 554 00:29:55,500 --> 00:29:57,875 You won't be alive 555 00:29:57,875 --> 00:30:00,917 to see the motherfucker graduate grade school. 556 00:30:00,917 --> 00:30:03,709 That's why every year it die a little bit more. 557 00:30:06,083 --> 00:30:09,291 But now you got these old niggas be cheatin'. 558 00:30:09,291 --> 00:30:12,625 Yeah, they got them Jesus pills. 559 00:30:12,625 --> 00:30:14,875 Yeah, that's what I call them, nigga. 560 00:30:14,875 --> 00:30:17,625 Them Viagras be givin' the nigga res-erections. 561 00:30:17,917 --> 00:30:18,959 Get it? Res-erections, Jesus pill? 562 00:30:18,959 --> 00:30:21,375 This motherfucker slower than my mother. 563 00:30:22,583 --> 00:30:24,375 You know when you done caught 564 00:30:24,375 --> 00:30:26,166 one of these cheatin' motherfuckers, ladies, 565 00:30:26,166 --> 00:30:29,125 because they be at a club with nothin' but 30-year-olds, 566 00:30:29,125 --> 00:30:31,291 and they ass on the dancefloor, nigga. 567 00:30:31,291 --> 00:30:32,667 The one they got there. 568 00:30:32,667 --> 00:30:34,542 "Yeah! 569 00:30:34,542 --> 00:30:36,333 Yeah! 570 00:30:36,333 --> 00:30:37,041 I'm back in the game! 571 00:30:39,500 --> 00:30:40,166 I'm back in the game. 572 00:30:41,750 --> 00:30:43,375 Ah, ah!" 573 00:30:43,375 --> 00:30:46,500 Nigga, they be tryin' to holler at them young things. 574 00:30:46,500 --> 00:30:48,083 "Hey, hey, hey, what you say over there, candy? 575 00:30:51,417 --> 00:30:53,500 Which one of you bitches wanna automobile?" 576 00:30:54,542 --> 00:30:57,750 They so old, they don't call it a car, nigga. 577 00:30:57,750 --> 00:30:59,500 "Automobile." 578 00:30:59,500 --> 00:31:01,000 And don't laugh, ladies. 579 00:31:01,000 --> 00:31:03,500 Y'all be fadin' them old motherfuckers. 580 00:31:03,500 --> 00:31:04,959 "Girl, where you goin'?" 581 00:31:04,959 --> 00:31:06,166 "I'm goin' to get me an automobile." 582 00:31:10,250 --> 00:31:12,000 'Cause they know them old motherfuckers 583 00:31:12,000 --> 00:31:14,291 can't fuck longer than ten seconds. 584 00:31:14,291 --> 00:31:16,083 Nigga, they be on them pills. 585 00:31:24,750 --> 00:31:27,709 "Felt my heart jump outta my chest. 586 00:31:27,709 --> 00:31:28,583 Slow down, goddammit. 587 00:31:28,583 --> 00:31:31,166 I asked for some pussy, not a casket. 588 00:31:35,000 --> 00:31:37,917 Oooh, aaah! 589 00:31:39,000 --> 00:31:42,041 I'm goin' home. Keep the automobile. 590 00:31:43,417 --> 00:31:47,542 Tell your girlfriends about Sweet Papa Willow. 591 00:31:47,542 --> 00:31:49,166 I'll see you next year. 592 00:31:50,083 --> 00:31:54,375 Oh, goddamn, this thing won't go down. 593 00:31:54,375 --> 00:31:57,417 I shoulda put my glasses on when I read the instructions. 594 00:31:58,542 --> 00:32:00,291 I think I took too many of them. 595 00:32:00,291 --> 00:32:04,417 Oh, I can feel my heartbeat throbbing in the mother... 596 00:32:04,417 --> 00:32:06,041 I just gotta fuck somethin', dammit. Shit!" 597 00:32:18,750 --> 00:32:21,250 They want every one of our black entertainers, 598 00:32:21,250 --> 00:32:25,667 me included, nigga, to have a . 599 00:32:25,667 --> 00:32:27,959 If you in my business and you black, 600 00:32:27,959 --> 00:32:29,166 you not gonna die clean. 601 00:32:31,750 --> 00:32:33,000 They got Tiger Woods. 602 00:32:33,000 --> 00:32:34,750 But Tiger helped 'em. 603 00:32:35,917 --> 00:32:39,083 That nigga fucked around and married him a white woman. 604 00:32:39,083 --> 00:32:40,583 Now nothin' against you white women in here, 605 00:32:40,583 --> 00:32:43,333 but this nigga here, no. 606 00:32:46,625 --> 00:32:48,041 No and no, and hell no. 607 00:32:48,041 --> 00:32:51,500 See, I do research. 608 00:32:51,500 --> 00:32:56,291 Every famous nigga that's been with a white woman got problems. 609 00:32:56,291 --> 00:33:00,208 O.J.'s still fucked up. 610 00:33:00,208 --> 00:33:02,250 His white woman been dead for years. 611 00:33:02,250 --> 00:33:03,250 Nigga's still fucked up! 612 00:33:07,125 --> 00:33:07,750 Lookit, they got Tiger Woods. 613 00:33:07,750 --> 00:33:09,709 He married one. 614 00:33:09,709 --> 00:33:12,250 And nigga, she got a divorce, 615 00:33:12,250 --> 00:33:15,500 and she left with damn near half a billion dollars, man. 616 00:33:15,500 --> 00:33:18,125 This bitch ain't hit one golf ball. 617 00:33:19,250 --> 00:33:21,875 So you ladies gettin' outta hand with that motherfuckin' 618 00:33:21,875 --> 00:33:24,083 "I'm takin' half of your shit" shit. 619 00:33:24,083 --> 00:33:27,125 How you an independent bitch and runnin' away with money? 620 00:33:27,125 --> 00:33:30,667 If you was here for money... see, if you leave with money, 621 00:33:30,667 --> 00:33:33,667 and this is my honest opinion about the shit. Bitch, 622 00:33:33,667 --> 00:33:36,834 if we equal, I came with dick, you came with pussy. 623 00:33:36,834 --> 00:33:38,625 Let's leave with what we got. 624 00:33:40,250 --> 00:33:42,417 How y'all keep tryin' to make pussy 625 00:33:42,417 --> 00:33:43,333 higher case value than dick? 626 00:33:43,333 --> 00:33:45,959 'Cause the bitch always say this shit, 627 00:33:45,959 --> 00:33:47,000 "I gave you all this pussy." 628 00:33:47,000 --> 00:33:50,750 "Bitch, I gave you all this dick!" 629 00:33:52,000 --> 00:33:53,834 "We even, motherfucker." 630 00:33:55,333 --> 00:33:58,458 And then at the end, they say, "I want half." 631 00:33:58,458 --> 00:34:00,208 See, that's called bein' a ho. 632 00:34:00,208 --> 00:34:02,333 See, if it wasn't about money, bitch, 633 00:34:02,333 --> 00:34:03,917 what you want money for at the end? 634 00:34:03,917 --> 00:34:06,709 See, I'd rather a real ho. 635 00:34:06,709 --> 00:34:10,041 They just tell you up front, "$500 tonight, nigga, one hour." 636 00:34:10,375 --> 00:34:12,208 Not these long-term sneaky hoes. 637 00:34:12,208 --> 00:34:14,166 "I don't want your money, Eddie." 638 00:34:16,458 --> 00:34:18,250 'Til they're in the divorce court. 639 00:34:18,250 --> 00:34:19,667 "I want it all, nigga. 640 00:34:20,208 --> 00:34:23,000 "You been fuckin' me for years." 641 00:34:23,000 --> 00:34:27,291 "Yep. That's what people do when they together, motherfucker." 642 00:34:28,291 --> 00:34:30,917 This bitch left with half a billion dollars. 643 00:34:30,917 --> 00:34:34,542 Nigga, not on my watch. 644 00:34:34,542 --> 00:34:36,709 She lucky she wasn't my wife, nigga. 645 00:34:36,709 --> 00:34:37,750 They'd have found her. 646 00:34:40,041 --> 00:34:41,709 I swear to God, nigga. 647 00:34:41,709 --> 00:34:43,917 Let me explain somethin' to you beautiful ladies 648 00:34:43,917 --> 00:34:45,333 in my audience tonight. 649 00:34:45,333 --> 00:34:48,250 I love each and every one of you motherfuckers, 650 00:34:48,250 --> 00:34:53,208 but not one of y'all got a pussy worth half a billion dollars. 651 00:34:53,208 --> 00:34:54,959 Now, it might be some $250 pussies up 652 00:34:54,959 --> 00:34:58,250 in this motherfucker... 653 00:34:58,250 --> 00:35:01,583 It might be some $2,500 pussies up in this motherfucker... 654 00:35:01,583 --> 00:35:04,000 Might be some $10,000 on a Saturday, nigga, 655 00:35:04,000 --> 00:35:06,542 because you been wantin' to fuck Halle Berry for a while. 656 00:35:06,542 --> 00:35:10,834 But it ain't no half a billion dollar pussies on Earth. 657 00:35:10,834 --> 00:35:13,375 Niggas, trying to take that bitch fishin'. 658 00:35:16,250 --> 00:35:19,125 That's why billionaires have yachts. 659 00:35:21,166 --> 00:35:23,250 "What happened to her?" "She fell overboard. 660 00:35:24,542 --> 00:35:26,041 I tried to save her." 661 00:35:26,041 --> 00:35:28,917 Nigga, we get back to shore, 662 00:35:28,917 --> 00:35:30,083 I'll put seaweed around my own neck. 663 00:35:30,083 --> 00:35:31,792 "I jumped in. I tried everything. 664 00:35:31,792 --> 00:35:34,625 To save that bitch. 665 00:35:34,625 --> 00:35:35,625 I mean my wife." 666 00:35:36,709 --> 00:35:37,417 "What happened to her?" 667 00:35:37,417 --> 00:35:38,959 "The sharks just ate her up. 668 00:35:38,959 --> 00:35:40,792 Them white sharks. 669 00:35:40,792 --> 00:35:42,709 Yeah. They racist. 670 00:35:42,709 --> 00:35:45,041 They only eat white people." 671 00:35:45,041 --> 00:35:47,291 That's why they call them great white sharks. 672 00:35:47,291 --> 00:35:48,959 They only eat white people. 673 00:35:48,959 --> 00:35:51,625 Even the shark is racist in this goddamn country. 674 00:35:51,625 --> 00:35:54,250 They asked the shark, "Would you eat a nigga?" 675 00:35:54,250 --> 00:35:56,458 "No, no. They're tough. I tried one. 676 00:35:56,458 --> 00:35:58,959 I lost a lot of teeth. They fight back." 677 00:36:00,959 --> 00:36:03,375 Mexicans..., 678 00:36:03,375 --> 00:36:05,250 Mexicans, y'all don't know how good y'all got it. 679 00:36:05,250 --> 00:36:07,959 You know, even though they got all this shit. 680 00:36:07,959 --> 00:36:10,417 They fuckin' with Mexicans now 681 00:36:10,417 --> 00:36:12,625 with this DACA shit and all this. 682 00:36:12,625 --> 00:36:14,750 They fuckin' with really the brain drain 683 00:36:14,750 --> 00:36:16,250 that comes from India and other motherfuckin' nations 684 00:36:16,250 --> 00:36:19,000 that got a better education system 685 00:36:19,000 --> 00:36:20,291 that come over here to get educated 686 00:36:20,291 --> 00:36:22,625 and run these motherfuckin' companies. 687 00:36:22,625 --> 00:36:24,792 Nigga, they fuckin' with the Mexicans, nigga, 688 00:36:24,792 --> 00:36:27,834 for some fuckin' reason. I'm here to tell you, nigga. 689 00:36:27,834 --> 00:36:30,166 Um, Mexicans, y'all don't know how good you got it. 690 00:36:30,166 --> 00:36:33,166 See, when white people fuck with y'all, 691 00:36:33,166 --> 00:36:33,333 Mexico right next door. 692 00:36:34,959 --> 00:36:36,333 Yeah. You can walk home. 693 00:36:41,250 --> 00:36:42,291 Nigga, if Africa was that close... 694 00:36:45,875 --> 00:36:48,625 Now you get what the fuck I'm talkin' about. 695 00:36:48,625 --> 00:36:50,834 Nigga, that first whip , 696 00:36:50,834 --> 00:36:52,709 "Get the children. We are walking home. 697 00:36:53,375 --> 00:36:54,667 Get the children, woman. 698 00:36:54,667 --> 00:36:56,709 We're gettin' outta this motherfucker. 699 00:36:56,709 --> 00:37:00,750 Who do you think you are hitting me, you son of a bitch! 700 00:37:00,750 --> 00:37:03,375 I do not work for free, you motherfucker. 701 00:37:03,375 --> 00:37:06,750 My name is not Tyrone. It is not motherfuckin' Leroy. 702 00:37:06,750 --> 00:37:07,458 It is Shaka. 703 00:37:09,750 --> 00:37:12,709 Fuck you! Get the woman. Children, let's go. 704 00:37:12,709 --> 00:37:13,500 We are walking out this, bitch." 705 00:37:17,000 --> 00:37:20,583 It'd be a mass exodus. 706 00:37:20,583 --> 00:37:21,875 And then white people, 707 00:37:21,875 --> 00:37:24,834 you would finally have your dream. 708 00:37:24,834 --> 00:37:29,750 An all-white America. Confederate flags everywhere. 709 00:37:29,750 --> 00:37:34,375 Not a nigga in sight. This country wouldn't be shit. 710 00:37:36,083 --> 00:37:39,917 There would be no open-brain surgery. 711 00:37:39,917 --> 00:37:42,792 We did that. 712 00:37:42,792 --> 00:37:46,542 There would be no open-heart surgery. 713 00:37:46,542 --> 00:37:47,250 We did that. 714 00:37:47,250 --> 00:37:50,750 There would be no street lights. 715 00:37:50,750 --> 00:37:52,917 That's why they red, yellow, and green. 716 00:37:52,917 --> 00:37:54,291 Jamaican flag, nigga. 717 00:37:57,417 --> 00:38:00,709 If somebody white did it, it'd be red, white, and blue. 718 00:38:00,709 --> 00:38:02,250 You go on the blue. 719 00:38:02,250 --> 00:38:05,166 Music wouldn't be shit. 720 00:38:05,166 --> 00:38:07,500 There would be no blues four-bar progression. 721 00:38:07,500 --> 00:38:09,750 There would be no rock 'n' roll. 722 00:38:09,750 --> 00:38:12,250 We created that motherfucker extension of the blues. 723 00:38:12,250 --> 00:38:14,875 That's right, white folks. We takin' our shit back. 724 00:38:14,875 --> 00:38:17,083 You better go to Chuck Berry's grave 725 00:38:17,083 --> 00:38:19,166 and find out who did this shit. 726 00:38:19,166 --> 00:38:22,709 There would be no R&B . There would be no funk. 727 00:38:22,709 --> 00:38:24,125 There would be no jazz. 728 00:38:24,125 --> 00:38:25,959 There would be no bee-bop 729 00:38:25,959 --> 00:38:27,041 turnin' into hip-hop non-stop motherfucker 730 00:38:27,041 --> 00:38:29,917 goin' 'round the clock, niggas, until you drop. 731 00:38:31,041 --> 00:38:32,125 There would be no gospel worth listenin' to. 732 00:38:38,375 --> 00:38:40,625 All there'd be left, nigga, is twang-twang. 733 00:38:43,875 --> 00:38:44,458 Twang-twang. 734 00:38:47,375 --> 00:38:50,709 Twang-twang. 735 00:38:50,709 --> 00:38:54,458 ♪ She ran off with Petey ♪ 736 00:38:54,458 --> 00:38:58,291 ♪ My favorite dog ♪ 737 00:38:58,291 --> 00:39:03,458 ♪ I only know where four-legged fuckers go ♪ 738 00:39:03,458 --> 00:39:05,667 Nigga suicide rate would go up 2000%. 739 00:39:09,792 --> 00:39:14,625 The national anthem would not be worth listenin' to. 740 00:39:14,625 --> 00:39:17,000 Nigga, whenever we sing it... 741 00:39:17,000 --> 00:39:20,667 Nigga, Whitney sung it so well, God rest that sista's soul. 742 00:39:21,500 --> 00:39:23,500 When Sista Whitney sung it, nigga, 743 00:39:23,500 --> 00:39:27,709 she sung it so well it made a nigga feel like 744 00:39:27,709 --> 00:39:29,625 they really wanted us in this country. 745 00:39:31,375 --> 00:39:32,417 You understand me? 746 00:39:32,417 --> 00:39:34,458 The beginnin' of a baseball game, 747 00:39:34,458 --> 00:39:36,375 Whitney would get to hittin' that motherfucker, 748 00:39:36,375 --> 00:39:40,709 "Oh say... can you see... I see... 749 00:39:40,709 --> 00:39:43,125 By the dawn, early in the mornin' light... 750 00:39:43,125 --> 00:39:46,625 light it up, light it up." 751 00:39:46,625 --> 00:39:49,166 Nigga, you leave the baseball game all hyped... 752 00:39:49,166 --> 00:39:51,375 "Nigga shit, nigga." 753 00:39:51,375 --> 00:39:52,875 Police pull you over. 754 00:39:55,542 --> 00:39:58,041 "Fuck this motherfuckin' country! 755 00:39:58,041 --> 00:39:58,709 Fuck that goddamn song, too." 756 00:40:03,125 --> 00:40:06,375 Y'all would never win another summer Olympics, white folks. 757 00:40:06,375 --> 00:40:07,417 I'm sorry. 758 00:40:07,417 --> 00:40:13,041 Scott, Bob, Jill... Sally. 759 00:40:16,959 --> 00:40:18,792 No more gold in the summer. 760 00:40:18,792 --> 00:40:21,458 I don't even know why white folks show up 761 00:40:21,458 --> 00:40:22,750 to the summer Olympics. 762 00:40:22,750 --> 00:40:25,417 You not gonna beat a nigga in the heat. 763 00:40:26,583 --> 00:40:30,542 We from the hottest continent on Earth. 764 00:40:30,542 --> 00:40:34,959 Africa. Originally known as Alkebulan. 765 00:40:34,959 --> 00:40:37,083 You not gonna beat a nigga in the heat, man. 766 00:40:37,083 --> 00:40:39,583 Y'understand me? 767 00:40:39,583 --> 00:40:42,125 Why do you show up for a foot race against black people? 768 00:40:44,000 --> 00:40:47,083 Do you really think you can beat us runnin'? 769 00:40:47,083 --> 00:40:50,083 We got too much practice, nigga. 770 00:40:50,083 --> 00:40:53,083 We run from our parents. "Put it down, nigga! 771 00:40:53,083 --> 00:40:55,750 I told you when we get to the store, 772 00:40:55,750 --> 00:40:57,917 you don't pick up a motherfuckin' dime." 773 00:40:57,917 --> 00:40:59,208 We run from gangs. 774 00:40:59,208 --> 00:41:01,125 "Come here, nigga. Where my shit at?" 775 00:41:01,125 --> 00:41:02,709 "I don't know, cuz!" 776 00:41:03,875 --> 00:41:05,291 We run from the police. 777 00:41:05,291 --> 00:41:07,000 "Well, what do you got?" 778 00:41:07,000 --> 00:41:11,333 "Well, uh, a lollipop. Oh, goddamn!" 779 00:41:11,333 --> 00:41:14,792 You see, police helicopters can't catch niggas. 780 00:41:14,792 --> 00:41:16,875 You watch that shit, First 48 ? 781 00:41:16,875 --> 00:41:19,500 Helicopter: "We lost him again. 782 00:41:19,500 --> 00:41:23,208 Oh, the nigga jumped over two houses and made a left." 783 00:41:27,500 --> 00:41:29,709 You know that race they got, nigga, 784 00:41:29,709 --> 00:41:31,792 the 100 785 00:41:31,792 --> 00:41:37,458 And it's always 27 niggas from 27 nigga countries. 786 00:41:37,458 --> 00:41:39,417 One white dude. 787 00:41:39,417 --> 00:41:43,208 And you can see on his face when he gettin' in the blocks. 788 00:41:49,709 --> 00:41:51,000 " Oh! 789 00:41:51,000 --> 00:41:56,000 I'm gonna be lookin' at a lot o' nigga ass in a minute." 790 00:41:56,000 --> 00:41:58,250 Get it, 'cause they in front of him. 791 00:42:00,291 --> 00:42:04,750 The one race that white people think they can beat us in 792 00:42:04,750 --> 00:42:06,166 is the long-distance race. 793 00:42:06,166 --> 00:42:08,667 You see 'em practicin' out here in Boston 794 00:42:08,667 --> 00:42:11,417 at the marathon, New York. "Hey, what are you doin'?" 795 00:42:11,417 --> 00:42:13,959 "I'm getting ready for the niggas. 796 00:42:15,458 --> 00:42:18,291 Oh, you gotta train. They just got natural ability." 797 00:42:20,333 --> 00:42:22,667 Train as you may, white folks, 798 00:42:22,667 --> 00:42:26,625 you not gonna beat them three Ethiopians. 799 00:42:31,417 --> 00:42:32,375 Regular niggas from America 800 00:42:32,375 --> 00:42:36,333 can't beat them motherfuckers. 801 00:42:36,333 --> 00:42:41,041 Them eggheads always come in first, second, third, nigga. 802 00:42:41,041 --> 00:42:43,166 You not fuckin' with the eggheads, nigga. 803 00:42:43,166 --> 00:42:46,750 They got them eggheads. Body skin and bones. 804 00:42:46,750 --> 00:42:50,000 They used to runnin' for weeks. 805 00:42:50,000 --> 00:42:52,458 Chasin' gazelles for sustenance. 806 00:42:57,792 --> 00:42:59,542 Nigga, gazelles will be fallin' down. 807 00:42:59,542 --> 00:43:02,417 "One of us is going to have to take one. 808 00:43:03,750 --> 00:43:06,500 You are the weak one. Only the strong can survive." 809 00:43:07,750 --> 00:43:09,250 "No, they chased my cousin two weeks ago. 810 00:43:09,250 --> 00:43:11,417 They don't stop. 811 00:43:11,417 --> 00:43:13,834 They smile when they run. 812 00:43:13,834 --> 00:43:15,750 I can hear their teeth chattering in the distance." 813 00:43:21,250 --> 00:43:24,250 Now you know how motherfuckers come across the line, nigga, 814 00:43:24,250 --> 00:43:26,083 at the end of the race? 815 00:43:26,083 --> 00:43:28,583 They be tired, niggas. They ran for two days. 816 00:43:31,750 --> 00:43:33,959 "Can I get some water, some water? 817 00:43:33,959 --> 00:43:35,917 Give me some fuckin' water!" 818 00:43:35,917 --> 00:43:38,709 Nigga, them Ethiopians come across the line... 819 00:43:49,625 --> 00:43:50,875 "You want some water?" 820 00:43:50,875 --> 00:43:52,208 "I never touch the stuff. 821 00:43:54,375 --> 00:43:57,291 The blood of the gazelle is all the sustenance I need. 822 00:43:57,291 --> 00:44:00,542 Who wants to run again?" 823 00:44:11,959 --> 00:44:14,125 Nigga, y'all goin' to church this Sunday? 824 00:44:14,125 --> 00:44:16,291 I suggest everybody get your ass to church 825 00:44:16,291 --> 00:44:19,208 and get your money back. 826 00:44:23,667 --> 00:44:26,625 Hurry up, goddammit it! 827 00:44:26,625 --> 00:44:28,959 If Joel Osteen didn't prove to you finally 828 00:44:28,959 --> 00:44:31,125 what I've been tryin' to tell you 829 00:44:31,125 --> 00:44:33,125 for 30 motherfuckin' years... 830 00:44:33,125 --> 00:44:39,583 It's a goddamn scam, man! God don't live in no church. 831 00:44:39,583 --> 00:44:42,417 Nowhere in the Bible, and I read it 17 times, 832 00:44:42,417 --> 00:44:45,375 nowhere in it does it say, 833 00:44:45,375 --> 00:44:47,667 "Build me a house on Fifth and Nowhere. 834 00:44:47,667 --> 00:44:50,542 I only like stained-glass windows. 835 00:44:50,542 --> 00:44:52,500 'Cause I don't want nobody lookin' in on the hustle. 836 00:44:52,500 --> 00:44:54,458 I mean, the truth. 837 00:44:56,834 --> 00:44:59,792 I want hard wooden benches in there 838 00:44:59,792 --> 00:45:02,792 'cause I don't want nobody comfortable. 839 00:45:02,792 --> 00:45:07,875 I need a greasy nigga with a perm 840 00:45:07,875 --> 00:45:12,834 whose neck looks like a half a pack of hot dogs. 841 00:45:12,834 --> 00:45:17,750 Who's a silver-tongued mackin' motherfucker. 842 00:45:17,750 --> 00:45:21,375 And he sweats before he starts talkin'. 843 00:45:21,375 --> 00:45:22,875 'Cause he's from Hell." 844 00:45:22,875 --> 00:45:24,875 "What you gonna call him?" 845 00:45:24,875 --> 00:45:24,917 "The preacher. 846 00:45:26,959 --> 00:45:32,709 I need 12 to 15 fat bucket o' chicken-eatin' bitches 847 00:45:32,709 --> 00:45:33,709 with curtains on." 848 00:45:33,709 --> 00:45:36,166 "What you gonna call them?" 849 00:45:36,166 --> 00:45:39,083 "The choir. 850 00:45:39,083 --> 00:45:43,083 I need two homosexuals with tambourines." 851 00:45:43,083 --> 00:45:45,875 "Why they there?" "I don't know. 852 00:45:45,875 --> 00:45:49,333 I just like how they shake it." 853 00:45:49,333 --> 00:45:51,709 I need an old nigga who's senile. 854 00:45:51,709 --> 00:45:53,333 Dress him in purple. 855 00:45:53,333 --> 00:45:58,375 Put a lot of medals on him. Sit him right next to the pew." 856 00:45:58,375 --> 00:45:59,750 "What you gonna call him?" 857 00:45:59,750 --> 00:46:00,792 "The deacon." 858 00:46:00,792 --> 00:46:03,375 "What you gonna call this organization?" 859 00:46:03,375 --> 00:46:05,917 "Church." 860 00:46:05,917 --> 00:46:07,792 Nigga, church done got so bad, 861 00:46:07,792 --> 00:46:09,875 they got ATM machines in the motherfuckers. 862 00:46:12,083 --> 00:46:13,750 Am I bullshittin'? 863 00:46:13,750 --> 00:46:15,959 And nigga, here's how these preachers preach nowadays. 864 00:46:15,959 --> 00:46:18,542 I'm tellin' you, the church is in trouble. 865 00:46:18,542 --> 00:46:19,875 Them motherfuckers be in there, 866 00:46:19,875 --> 00:46:22,583 "Oh, yeah, welcome to God's house. 867 00:46:22,583 --> 00:46:25,917 Thank you. Uh-huh. 868 00:46:25,917 --> 00:46:27,834 Now, you're here. 869 00:46:27,834 --> 00:46:32,709 You see we have installed an ATM machine 870 00:46:32,709 --> 00:46:38,291 'cause some of y'all have been not bringin' God's money. 871 00:46:38,291 --> 00:46:41,875 Now you pay your light bill. You pay your gas bill. 872 00:46:41,875 --> 00:46:45,041 You pay your taxes. Uncle Sam get his. 873 00:46:45,041 --> 00:46:46,500 God can't have his? 874 00:46:46,500 --> 00:46:51,792 That's why I installed the hot boilin' waters of correction. 875 00:46:51,792 --> 00:46:55,083 Now, a lot of y'all see the flames 876 00:46:55,083 --> 00:46:57,291 at the bottom of the bathtub... 877 00:46:57,291 --> 00:47:02,083 You see Brother Williams didn't bring God money last Sunday. 878 00:47:02,083 --> 00:47:02,959 You're probably lookin' at 879 00:47:02,959 --> 00:47:05,583 these two large swollen niggas here 880 00:47:05,583 --> 00:47:07,917 wonderin' what they purpose is. 881 00:47:07,917 --> 00:47:10,667 Go get Brother Williams. Bring him up here." 882 00:47:10,667 --> 00:47:13,375 They dip that nigga in the hot, boilin' water and... 883 00:47:14,583 --> 00:47:17,000 "Sound like he's screamin', don't it? 884 00:47:17,000 --> 00:47:20,667 That's not what it is. That's the demons leavin' him. 885 00:47:20,667 --> 00:47:22,709 Look at how fast he ran 886 00:47:22,709 --> 00:47:26,959 to get God's money outta the brand-new ATM machine. 887 00:47:26,959 --> 00:47:29,041 Is there anybody else in here late with the Lord's issue?" 888 00:47:35,375 --> 00:47:39,000 The only difference between a white church 889 00:47:39,000 --> 00:47:41,000 and a black church. 890 00:47:41,000 --> 00:47:43,500 White church will fuck your son. 891 00:47:45,083 --> 00:47:46,000 I don't like false indignation. 892 00:47:46,000 --> 00:47:49,125 Y'all watch the same goddamn news I watch. 893 00:47:49,125 --> 00:47:51,959 Them priests been little-boy fuckin' for quite a while. 894 00:47:51,959 --> 00:47:55,208 That's why they wear them white robes, nigga. 895 00:47:55,208 --> 00:47:56,834 They buck naked underneath. 896 00:47:56,834 --> 00:47:59,083 They don't even walk to the pulpit. 897 00:47:59,083 --> 00:47:59,250 They float. 898 00:48:00,041 --> 00:48:02,375 'Cause little Timmy underneath there 899 00:48:02,375 --> 00:48:05,000 butt-ass naked on roller skates suckin' dick. 900 00:48:05,000 --> 00:48:07,375 Now you can go on. 901 00:48:09,959 --> 00:48:13,709 Black church will fuck your wife. 902 00:48:13,709 --> 00:48:17,083 Nigga, if your wife is sittin' on the front row at church 903 00:48:17,083 --> 00:48:18,583 every Sunday, 904 00:48:18,583 --> 00:48:20,875 you might wanna ask that bitch a couple of questions. 905 00:48:20,875 --> 00:48:23,041 What position was you in 906 00:48:23,041 --> 00:48:26,041 to get this motherfucker position every Sunday? 907 00:48:26,041 --> 00:48:28,709 'Cause only a black preacher will ask your ass 908 00:48:28,709 --> 00:48:30,208 some shit like this. 909 00:48:30,208 --> 00:48:35,083 "Lookie here, I was wonderin' if your wife could stay after 910 00:48:35,083 --> 00:48:39,333 for a little private Bible study." 911 00:48:39,333 --> 00:48:42,291 "Uh, lookie here, what the fuck you gonna tell my bitch 912 00:48:42,291 --> 00:48:47,333 you ain't gonna tell the rest of these bitches in here? 913 00:48:47,333 --> 00:48:49,959 So let me explain me to you, partner. 914 00:48:49,959 --> 00:48:52,583 I don't believe none of this bullshit of motherfucker 915 00:48:52,583 --> 00:48:54,750 sleepin' in the whale for three months. 916 00:48:54,750 --> 00:48:57,792 I don't know what the fuck this cartoon shit is. 917 00:48:57,792 --> 00:49:00,417 I only come here to keep this bitch happy. 918 00:49:00,417 --> 00:49:02,959 I don't give a fuck about you, greasy nigga. 919 00:49:02,959 --> 00:49:03,959 Now, ask me another motherfuckin' question 920 00:49:03,959 --> 00:49:07,417 and I got a last question for you. 921 00:49:07,417 --> 00:49:09,250 How about if I blow your motherfuckin' brains out 922 00:49:09,250 --> 00:49:14,959 so you can see what you thinkin' is some bullshit?" 923 00:49:14,959 --> 00:49:18,458 "Well, I can see that you was the wrong nigga to ask. 924 00:49:18,458 --> 00:49:20,333 I'll see you at the church picnic." 925 00:49:28,917 --> 00:49:31,000 God is free. Don't forget it. 926 00:49:31,000 --> 00:49:33,041 God don't need no money. Never wanted no money, nigga. 927 00:49:33,041 --> 00:49:35,959 Them Romans wrote that in the book. 928 00:49:35,959 --> 00:49:37,542 Tithing. God want ten%. 929 00:49:37,542 --> 00:49:40,750 What the fuck would God want ten% of what he already own? 930 00:49:40,750 --> 00:49:41,583 He own everything. 931 00:49:41,583 --> 00:49:43,083 That's like me rippin' my sleeve off, 932 00:49:43,083 --> 00:49:46,458 stickin' it in my pocket. I already got it. 933 00:49:47,083 --> 00:49:48,792 Every church I been to, 934 00:49:48,792 --> 00:49:53,083 not one of them got a tube to suck the money up to God. 935 00:49:53,083 --> 00:49:55,917 But the greasy nigga with a perm got a mansion, a private jet, 936 00:49:55,917 --> 00:49:58,750 a helicopter, four hoes and a dog. 937 00:50:00,959 --> 00:50:03,875 You can't pimp a pimp, player. 938 00:50:03,875 --> 00:50:05,875 I ain't givin' you a dime, motherfucker. 939 00:50:07,000 --> 00:50:09,166 Fuck you. God free. Get on your knees. 940 00:50:09,166 --> 00:50:11,000 Pray direct to the source, nigga. 941 00:50:11,000 --> 00:50:13,166 He don't need no middle man, nigga. 942 00:50:13,166 --> 00:50:15,667 Read the book. Just don't go to church. 943 00:50:15,667 --> 00:50:17,125 Read it for yourself, nigga. 944 00:50:17,125 --> 00:50:19,959 You know how to read. Who is this nigga? 945 00:50:19,959 --> 00:50:21,000 Who made this nigga the liaison? 946 00:50:21,000 --> 00:50:24,375 "You can only get to the Lord through me." 947 00:50:25,458 --> 00:50:27,625 Read the motherfucker. 948 00:50:27,625 --> 00:50:30,750 God said, "If two or more come in my name, 949 00:50:30,750 --> 00:50:33,375 I'm in the presence." Ain't that what he said? 950 00:50:33,375 --> 00:50:36,000 Well, there's more than two of us. 951 00:50:36,000 --> 00:50:40,166 I brought the nigga name up. That mean he here. 952 00:50:40,166 --> 00:50:42,041 Welcome to church, you motherfuckers. 953 00:50:44,000 --> 00:50:46,834 Now, here at the Eddie Griffin church, 954 00:50:46,834 --> 00:50:47,959 I ain't gonna pass the plate around. 955 00:50:47,959 --> 00:50:50,458 I charged your ass up front. 956 00:50:52,375 --> 00:50:53,250 I'm honest about my shit. 957 00:50:55,250 --> 00:50:59,208 Boston, y'all a fun bunch of motherfuckers. 958 00:51:09,208 --> 00:51:11,041 No, really. Y'all some fun motherfuckers. 959 00:51:11,041 --> 00:51:13,250 Thank you! - Now lookie here. 960 00:51:13,250 --> 00:51:15,041 You are, too. - Oh shit! 961 00:51:15,041 --> 00:51:17,417 Thirty years. You could tell. 962 00:51:17,417 --> 00:51:20,667 I still love doin' this shit. Yeah! 963 00:51:22,250 --> 00:51:24,667 - Now, uh, 964 00:51:26,625 --> 00:51:34,667 if I offended anybody in this audience tonight, fuck you. 965 00:51:34,667 --> 00:51:37,125 These are the jokes. Ha-ha. 966 00:51:37,125 --> 00:51:39,750 If you check your ticket, motherfucker, 967 00:51:39,750 --> 00:51:41,750 it said comedy show. 968 00:51:41,750 --> 00:51:43,125 It didn't say serious show. 969 00:51:43,125 --> 00:51:45,375 If you took any of these soliloquies 970 00:51:45,375 --> 00:51:48,417 that flew outta my mouth serious, you got a problem. 971 00:51:48,417 --> 00:51:50,583 Go get another Cab Sav. Sit down. 972 00:51:50,583 --> 00:51:51,500 Discuss it with somebody. 973 00:51:51,500 --> 00:51:55,291 You got hang-ups, you motherfucker. 974 00:51:55,291 --> 00:51:58,834 If I offended any white people in here this evening, 975 00:51:58,834 --> 00:52:00,750 I was talkin' about racist white people. 976 00:52:00,750 --> 00:52:03,250 If you were offended, 977 00:52:03,250 --> 00:52:06,375 then you the motherfucker I was talkin' to. 978 00:52:14,917 --> 00:52:19,375 If I offended any Mexicans in here tonight, 979 00:52:19,375 --> 00:52:20,792 prove me wrong. 980 00:52:22,625 --> 00:52:27,083 Why the fuck do you like workin' hard all the goddamn time? 981 00:52:27,083 --> 00:52:28,250 Be late like a nigga sometimes. 982 00:52:32,375 --> 00:52:37,125 If I offended any Asians in here tonight, 983 00:52:37,125 --> 00:52:40,250 cook somethin' without rice. 984 00:52:40,250 --> 00:52:42,917 Shrimp fried rice, chicken fried Rice. 985 00:52:42,917 --> 00:52:44,417 Rice, rice, rice. 986 00:52:44,417 --> 00:52:46,959 People don't want rice in every goddamn thing! 987 00:52:46,959 --> 00:52:49,709 How about some shrimp fried collard greens? 988 00:52:49,709 --> 00:52:52,583 That shit sound good to a motherfucker, don't it? 989 00:52:52,583 --> 00:52:54,667 Throw some cayenne pepper on that bitch. 990 00:52:58,417 --> 00:53:01,834 If I offended any African Americans 991 00:53:01,834 --> 00:53:03,792 in here this evening, 992 00:53:03,792 --> 00:53:06,500 welcome home, you boojee-ass niggas. 993 00:53:15,166 --> 00:53:20,000 If I offended any ladies and women 994 00:53:20,000 --> 00:53:21,333 in here this evening, , 995 00:53:21,333 --> 00:53:26,834 I was talkin' about bitches and hoes. 996 00:53:26,834 --> 00:53:27,667 If you were offended... 997 00:53:39,709 --> 00:53:47,667 If I offended any Christians in here tonight, go to Hell... 998 00:53:49,458 --> 00:53:52,250 with gasoline-dipped drawers. 999 00:53:52,250 --> 00:53:54,834 That way, you ignite on arrival. 1000 00:53:54,834 --> 00:53:58,417 I don't want you to miss none of your flame time. 1001 00:53:58,417 --> 00:53:59,625 Can't stand Christians, 1002 00:53:59,625 --> 00:54:01,417 the most judgmental motherfuckers on Earth. 1003 00:54:01,417 --> 00:54:03,875 Only a goddamn Christian, "You goin' to Hell." 1004 00:54:03,875 --> 00:54:06,792 How the fuck you know? Like God came down. 1005 00:54:06,792 --> 00:54:09,041 "Oh, let that nigga know he's goin' to Hell. 1006 00:54:09,041 --> 00:54:11,667 I'm kinda busy right now." 1007 00:54:11,667 --> 00:54:14,375 Obviously you didn't read your own book again, motherfucker. 1008 00:54:14,375 --> 00:54:16,750 It says, "Judge lest you be judged." 1009 00:54:16,750 --> 00:54:18,250 Only God can judge me. 1010 00:54:18,250 --> 00:54:21,083 You could sit back and enjoy the show 1011 00:54:21,083 --> 00:54:25,875 and shut the fuck up, you hypocrite motherfuckers. 1012 00:54:25,875 --> 00:54:28,417 Out smokin' dicks and weed all week, 1013 00:54:28,417 --> 00:54:30,959 then puttin' $20 on the plate on Sunday 1014 00:54:30,959 --> 00:54:33,083 and think you paid for your transgressions. 1015 00:54:33,083 --> 00:54:35,375 Like God can't see past your fuck-ass charade. 1016 00:54:35,375 --> 00:54:38,625 At least I'm honest with my heavenly Father. 1017 00:54:38,625 --> 00:54:40,583 You know I drink. 1018 00:54:40,583 --> 00:54:44,417 You know I smoke, not just cigarettes. 1019 00:54:44,417 --> 00:54:48,083 And I'm fuckin' on a bitch I'm not married to. 1020 00:54:48,083 --> 00:54:50,834 You made the position. You made it so good. 1021 00:54:53,542 --> 00:54:56,500 Hey, a pussy like M&Ms. You can't eat just one. 1022 00:55:04,667 --> 00:55:07,542 If I offended any Muslims in here, As-Salaam-Alaikum. 1023 00:55:07,542 --> 00:55:12,583 I'm not fuckin' with them. They'll blow us up, nigga. 1024 00:55:21,583 --> 00:55:25,709 Hey, that was a joke. As-Salaam-Alaikum. 1025 00:55:25,709 --> 00:55:26,417 Al-hamdulillah, al-hamdulillah, nigga. 1026 00:55:28,333 --> 00:55:30,667 Inshallah, nigga, inshallah. 1027 00:55:34,125 --> 00:55:39,667 Nigga. Nigga, I was... 1028 00:55:42,834 --> 00:55:44,709 Fuck y'all, nigga. 1029 00:55:44,709 --> 00:55:46,250 My brain poppin', nigga. 1030 00:55:49,000 --> 00:55:49,458 Imagine bein' a sperm, nigga. 1031 00:55:52,500 --> 00:55:55,792 I was just thinkin' about this shit. 1032 00:55:55,792 --> 00:55:59,166 Imagine nigga sperm just swimmin' around in a nigga dick 1033 00:55:59,166 --> 00:56:01,458 that ain't gettin' no pussy. 1034 00:56:07,166 --> 00:56:10,166 "This sure is some bullshit, man. 1035 00:56:10,166 --> 00:56:13,792 Nigga, we been down here for five years, man. 1036 00:56:13,792 --> 00:56:16,875 I ain't never gonna see the light o' day again. 1037 00:56:16,875 --> 00:56:21,208 This nigga, I swear to God he ain't shit! 1038 00:56:21,208 --> 00:56:26,375 Why we gotta be in this nigga's dick?" 1039 00:56:26,375 --> 00:56:29,041 It look like he gonna get some pussy, nigga. 1040 00:56:29,041 --> 00:56:30,667 "All right, everybody line up. This is it. 1041 00:56:30,667 --> 00:56:33,542 Line up, niggas. This motherfucker's got some." 1042 00:56:33,542 --> 00:56:36,917 Nigga, the Old Sperm come by. 1043 00:56:36,917 --> 00:56:39,208 "Y'all don't wanna go out there. 1044 00:56:39,208 --> 00:56:42,542 This shit ain't real. 1045 00:56:42,542 --> 00:56:44,375 That nigga jackin' off. 1046 00:56:44,375 --> 00:56:47,542 You gonna end up on a towel. 1047 00:56:47,542 --> 00:56:51,709 Dry and crunchy. 1048 00:56:51,709 --> 00:56:56,125 I lost 50 billion sons that way. 1049 00:56:56,125 --> 00:56:58,250 It ain't never been real with this motherfucker. 1050 00:56:58,250 --> 00:57:01,709 That's how I'm still here, nigga. 1051 00:57:01,709 --> 00:57:04,583 I know when it's real. Shit!" 1052 00:57:04,583 --> 00:57:07,417 Any motherfucker get some pussy, nigga, 1053 00:57:07,417 --> 00:57:09,709 and they come out and got a condom on. 1054 00:57:11,250 --> 00:57:13,583 "Back up. This ain't it! 1055 00:57:13,583 --> 00:57:18,208 Back up! I can see it. 1056 00:57:18,208 --> 00:57:20,041 Stop pushin'! Stop pushin'!" 1057 00:57:22,917 --> 00:57:25,542 Then the motherfucker flush the condom down the toilet. 1058 00:57:25,542 --> 00:57:27,250 "We shoulda listened to the old man." 1059 00:57:36,583 --> 00:57:42,917 Say you finally, you, you finally consummate 1060 00:57:42,917 --> 00:57:44,792 your relationship and you havin' sex without a condom. 1061 00:57:44,792 --> 00:57:49,625 And they get to come out into some actual pussy. 1062 00:57:49,625 --> 00:57:51,750 Them mothers come out... 1063 00:57:59,667 --> 00:58:07,250 "Rub the walls, nigga! Oh, it's so juicy." 1064 00:58:07,250 --> 00:58:09,125 Nigga, the Old Sperm come out. 1065 00:58:09,125 --> 00:58:14,625 "Well, I be goddamn! 1066 00:58:14,625 --> 00:58:17,542 I never thought I'd live to see it. 1067 00:58:20,291 --> 00:58:23,625 Which one of y'all know where the automobiles is?" 1068 00:58:29,917 --> 00:58:33,500 "Come on. Follow me. I know the way to the head. 1069 00:58:33,500 --> 00:58:35,333 Shake your tailfeather, motherfucker. 1070 00:58:35,333 --> 00:58:36,875 Shake your tailfeather." 1071 00:58:36,875 --> 00:58:40,959 And them motherfuckers start droppin' one by one. 1072 00:58:47,875 --> 00:58:50,542 "Hey, hold up, Pop. 1073 00:58:50,542 --> 00:58:53,834 Hey, everybody we fell out, 1074 00:58:53,834 --> 00:58:56,166 and we been swimmin' for a long time. 1075 00:58:56,166 --> 00:58:58,750 How deep is this bitch?" 1076 00:59:00,667 --> 00:59:04,166 "This bitch deeper than a . 1077 00:59:04,166 --> 00:59:06,417 "Just keep swimmin', just keep swimmin'." 1078 00:59:09,792 --> 00:59:14,125 "Hey, Pop, let's just, let's just wait right here. 1079 00:59:14,125 --> 00:59:17,041 Take a break like everybody else. 1080 00:59:17,041 --> 00:59:22,291 We can make it to the egg in the morning." 1081 00:59:22,291 --> 00:59:28,083 "Junior, we ain't gonna make it. 1082 00:59:28,083 --> 00:59:30,667 We been set up. 1083 00:59:30,667 --> 00:59:32,792 This bitch is on the pill." 1084 00:59:51,667 --> 00:59:53,792 Imagine, 1085 00:59:53,792 --> 00:59:57,375 imagine bein' a sperm in a gay motherfucker's dick. 1086 01:00:09,792 --> 01:00:13,583 "Didn't nobody clean this bitch out? 1087 01:00:14,834 --> 01:00:17,000 There is mud everywhere. 1088 01:00:17,000 --> 01:00:21,583 They ain't nothin' but corn and peanuts all in this mud. 1089 01:00:21,583 --> 01:00:23,875 I think we're in the wrong spot." 1090 01:00:41,959 --> 01:00:45,625 My motherfuckin' face gettin' stuck too, nigga. 1091 01:00:47,917 --> 01:00:48,792 All right. Let's get serious. 1092 01:00:54,625 --> 01:01:00,709 Nigga, I'd like to pour out some liquor, 1093 01:01:00,709 --> 01:01:02,583 if you don't mind, 1094 01:01:02,583 --> 01:01:05,458 for some loved ones that I lost on this journey 1095 01:01:05,458 --> 01:01:08,083 for 30 years in this game we call entertainment. 1096 01:01:08,083 --> 01:01:09,458 You know what I mean? 1097 01:01:09,458 --> 01:01:13,125 Yeah, man. This first one, 1098 01:01:13,125 --> 01:01:17,125 , oh man, is goin' out to Brotha Charlie Murphy. 1099 01:01:28,542 --> 01:01:29,917 Be right, Charlie. 1100 01:01:29,917 --> 01:01:32,041 Nigga, I've had the privilege and the pleasure, man, 1101 01:01:32,041 --> 01:01:36,834 of bein' on tour with Brotha Charlie for three & a half 1102 01:01:36,834 --> 01:01:40,333 years, damn near four years, man, up until the day he died. 1103 01:01:40,333 --> 01:01:43,333 You know, it was the Comedy Get-Down Tour 1104 01:01:43,333 --> 01:01:45,500 with me, Brotha Lopez, D.L. Hughley, 1105 01:01:45,500 --> 01:01:48,166 big Ced the Entertainer, you know what I mean. 1106 01:01:53,083 --> 01:01:56,959 To watch a man that strong. I mean, Charlie was a man's man. 1107 01:01:56,959 --> 01:01:59,917 Ya' know he was man amongst men like a motherfucker. 1108 01:01:59,917 --> 01:02:03,208 You know, Charlie would walk into a room, 1109 01:02:03,208 --> 01:02:04,417 and everybody was like, 1110 01:02:04,417 --> 01:02:06,208 "Is the nigga gonna kill somebody?" 1111 01:02:06,208 --> 01:02:08,375 You know, Charlie had a permanent smile. 1112 01:02:08,375 --> 01:02:11,875 You couldn't tell if he was mad or happy. 1113 01:02:11,875 --> 01:02:14,083 But I watched this brotha fight cancer 1114 01:02:14,083 --> 01:02:16,792 and tell all of us not to tell nobody. 1115 01:02:16,792 --> 01:02:19,166 We watched him go to the hospital, 1116 01:02:19,166 --> 01:02:21,041 do chemotherapy on a Wednesday, walk out that hospital, 1117 01:02:21,041 --> 01:02:27,166 walk in front of 20,000 people and kill it on Friday. 1118 01:02:27,166 --> 01:02:29,000 That's how strong this brotha was. 1119 01:02:29,000 --> 01:02:31,959 You know what I mean? 1120 01:02:35,250 --> 01:02:38,917 I know Heaven is funnier than a motherfucker right now. 1121 01:02:38,917 --> 01:02:43,208 Dick Gregory just went up there, y'understand me? 1122 01:02:43,208 --> 01:02:46,417 Nigga, I know Charlie up in Heaven, nigga, 1123 01:02:46,417 --> 01:02:47,959 like a motherfucker. 1124 01:02:47,959 --> 01:02:50,041 "Charlie Murphy's in Heaven. 1125 01:02:50,041 --> 01:02:52,834 Darkness is spreading. 1126 01:02:52,834 --> 01:02:55,041 Look at Rick James. 1127 01:02:55,041 --> 01:03:00,250 Got his feet on God's couch. Silly motherfucker. 1128 01:03:00,250 --> 01:03:02,792 Look at Prince over there playing buck-naked basketball. 1129 01:03:02,792 --> 01:03:05,709 He ain't gonna be up here long." 1130 01:03:11,083 --> 01:03:14,750 This next one is goin' out to Brotha Bernie Mac. 1131 01:03:22,792 --> 01:03:25,792 Nigga, you know Bernie up in Heaven. 1132 01:03:25,792 --> 01:03:28,709 "What the fuck goin' on up here? 1133 01:03:28,709 --> 01:03:30,458 Some motherfucker angel flyin' around 1134 01:03:30,458 --> 01:03:32,291 in a motherfuckin' corner over there. 1135 01:03:32,291 --> 01:03:34,083 Flyin' around in a motherfucker circle. 1136 01:03:34,083 --> 01:03:35,041 A motherfucker circle. 1137 01:03:35,041 --> 01:03:37,333 Got one motherfuckin' good wing; 1138 01:03:37,333 --> 01:03:40,000 the other wing look like a barbecued chicken wing. 1139 01:03:40,000 --> 01:03:42,208 That motherfucker from Hell. He from Hell. 1140 01:03:42,208 --> 01:03:43,792 He a burnt-up motherfucker 1141 01:03:43,792 --> 01:03:46,083 comin' up here tryin' to spy on motherfuckers. 1142 01:03:46,083 --> 01:03:47,375 He's spyin' on motherfuckers. 1143 01:03:47,375 --> 01:03:50,291 Spyin' on my motherfuckin' Heaven." 1144 01:03:59,625 --> 01:04:01,583 Now you know Prince up there. 1145 01:04:30,458 --> 01:04:32,333 "Dearly beloved... 1146 01:04:32,333 --> 01:04:37,458 We're gathered here today to get to this thing called life. 1147 01:04:37,458 --> 01:04:39,125 The word life, means Heaven. 1148 01:04:39,125 --> 01:04:43,542 That's been a long time, but I'm here to tell you..." 1149 01:04:58,041 --> 01:05:01,542 Nigga, you know, Michael is still at the gate. 1150 01:05:01,542 --> 01:05:04,458 They ain't let that nigga in yet. 1151 01:05:04,458 --> 01:05:07,500 Michael at the gate: "You know who it is." 1152 01:05:08,667 --> 01:05:09,709 ♪ Gotta-gone gotta-gone ♪ 1153 01:05:09,709 --> 01:05:11,875 ♪ You know who it is ♪ 1154 01:05:11,875 --> 01:05:14,125 ♪ You know who it is ♪ 1155 01:05:14,125 --> 01:05:17,542 ♪ You know who it is you know who it is ♪ 1156 01:05:21,917 --> 01:05:26,250 Peter right at the gate. "Uh, no I don't." 1157 01:05:26,250 --> 01:05:29,583 "You do not fit the description that I have." 1158 01:05:50,542 --> 01:05:52,125 Now you know Sammy Davis up in that motherfucker. 1159 01:06:14,917 --> 01:06:19,709 "Um... stop it, man. Stop it! 1160 01:06:19,709 --> 01:06:22,166 You guys are kookie, man. 1161 01:06:22,166 --> 01:06:28,166 Um, excuse me, um, God. 1162 01:06:28,166 --> 01:06:32,000 You know, I've been here for quite a while, and um, 1163 01:06:32,000 --> 01:06:34,208 I-- I really adore you, man. 1164 01:06:34,208 --> 01:06:37,959 I mean, you know, you're magnanimous in your greatness. 1165 01:06:37,959 --> 01:06:40,625 There's no one like you. 1166 01:06:40,625 --> 01:06:45,000 You are the cat of cats, dig that, man. 1167 01:06:45,000 --> 01:06:48,000 And you know, since I've been here, 1168 01:06:48,000 --> 01:06:51,542 you know, I've, I've, I've danced for you. 1169 01:06:59,375 --> 01:07:02,083 You know, I-- I-- I-- I was just wondering, 1170 01:07:02,083 --> 01:07:04,250 when do I get a new eye?" 1171 01:07:12,000 --> 01:07:14,417 You know, Rich is up in there. 1172 01:07:14,417 --> 01:07:18,625 That's one of my closest, closest niggas for years. 1173 01:07:18,625 --> 01:07:21,125 And, nigga, I know motherfucker. 1174 01:07:46,083 --> 01:07:49,500 "Excuse me, God. 1175 01:07:49,500 --> 01:07:54,583 I was wonderin' if I could have a moment of your time. 1176 01:07:54,583 --> 01:07:57,291 I know that you're a very busy God. 1177 01:07:57,291 --> 01:08:00,542 You got a whole universe of shit to worry about. 1178 01:08:00,542 --> 01:08:03,333 You know, white peoples is killin' each other, 1179 01:08:03,333 --> 01:08:05,792 there's an orange motherfucker in the White House. 1180 01:08:05,792 --> 01:08:07,792 You understand me? 1181 01:08:07,792 --> 01:08:09,667 Mexicans, they ain't comin' or goin'. 1182 01:08:09,667 --> 01:08:11,166 They just confused. 1183 01:08:11,166 --> 01:08:14,291 The niggas is like, 'What the fuck?' 1184 01:08:14,291 --> 01:08:17,333 So, I know you're busy with all that kinda shit, 1185 01:08:17,333 --> 01:08:19,417 and you know, we still can't find Kanye. 1186 01:08:27,667 --> 01:08:29,625 I coulda told him about that. 1187 01:08:29,625 --> 01:08:31,750 Shit, every nigga that fucked one of them goddamn Kardashians 1188 01:08:31,750 --> 01:08:33,959 come up missin'. 1189 01:08:33,959 --> 01:08:36,709 Or they end up in rehab or some kinda shit. 1190 01:08:36,709 --> 01:08:38,291 Shit, Bruce Jenner was the only white man 1191 01:08:38,291 --> 01:08:41,583 to beat a nigga in the summer Olympics. 1192 01:08:41,583 --> 01:08:44,000 He stuck his dick in the mama and said, 'Fuck it. 1193 01:08:44,000 --> 01:08:46,875 Take my dick. Give me a dress.' 1194 01:08:48,583 --> 01:08:51,583 I don't wanna bore you with the details. 1195 01:08:51,583 --> 01:08:56,041 Anyway, I been on the south side of Heaven since I got here. 1196 01:08:56,041 --> 01:08:57,917 And the peoples over there, they complainin'. 1197 01:08:57,917 --> 01:09:00,333 they didn't wanna tell you 1198 01:09:00,333 --> 01:09:01,959 'cause they scared of ya. 1199 01:09:01,959 --> 01:09:04,083 They asked me to deliver the message 1200 01:09:04,083 --> 01:09:06,417 'cause they know I don't give a fuck. 1201 01:09:06,417 --> 01:09:08,291 Anyway, you know, you been known to drown people 1202 01:09:08,291 --> 01:09:10,792 and fire and brimstone, lightnin'. 1203 01:09:10,792 --> 01:09:11,959 You kinda scare a nigga. 1204 01:09:11,959 --> 01:09:16,250 Anyway, they said your son Jesus, he been over there. 1205 01:09:16,250 --> 01:09:21,000 The boy ain't took a bath since I been here. 1206 01:09:21,000 --> 01:09:24,542 He walkin' on his bath water. The nigga keep walkin' around. 1207 01:09:24,542 --> 01:09:28,625 You can't get the nigga wet. He dodged showered raindrops. 1208 01:09:28,625 --> 01:09:31,792 Look, people's noses are hurtin'. 1209 01:09:31,792 --> 01:09:33,583 We was wonderin', um, 1210 01:09:33,583 --> 01:09:36,834 if you could hit the nigga with a ligtnin' storm. 1211 01:09:36,834 --> 01:09:40,166 And wash him up a little bit. 1212 01:09:40,166 --> 01:09:41,750 And the other thing, 1213 01:09:41,750 --> 01:09:43,000 he's an arrogant motherfucker, too. 1214 01:09:43,000 --> 01:09:47,333 He said he's your only son. You said we all your children. 1215 01:09:47,333 --> 01:09:48,959 I'm confused like a motherfucker. 1216 01:09:48,959 --> 01:09:50,625 You know? That's some shit 1217 01:09:50,625 --> 01:09:52,125 you niggas need to get together and discuss. 1218 01:09:52,125 --> 01:09:56,750 That ain't got nothin' to do with me. 1219 01:09:56,750 --> 01:10:03,834 Well, that aside, uh, on a more personal note, 1220 01:10:03,834 --> 01:10:08,375 you said Heaven is whatever a nigga want. 1221 01:10:08,375 --> 01:10:14,667 Well... I was wonderin', 1222 01:10:14,667 --> 01:10:18,458 would ya mind if I snort the clouds? 1223 01:10:18,458 --> 01:10:20,208 All I want is some cocaine 1224 01:10:20,208 --> 01:10:22,834 since a nigga got up in this motherfucker. 1225 01:10:22,834 --> 01:10:24,625 It look like cocaine to me. 1226 01:10:24,625 --> 01:10:28,542 Okay, I can see that I've upset you. 1227 01:10:28,542 --> 01:10:31,500 I don't wanna get struck by the lightnin'. 1228 01:10:31,500 --> 01:10:33,875 If you change your mind, 1229 01:10:33,875 --> 01:10:37,458 I'll be right over here on cloud nine." 1230 01:10:44,917 --> 01:10:46,750 Boston, love you. Good night. 1231 01:10:46,750 --> 01:10:48,875 Take the Lord with you.