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Downloaded from
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

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Hello.

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Hello! How you doing?

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Great.

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Thank you.

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Wow.

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Calm down.

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Shut the fuck up.

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Thank you. What a lovely welcome.

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I'm gonna try my hardest tonight.

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You're thinking, "Relax, we've had 
our money's worth just seeing you."

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What? You're a legend. Shut up! 
What is he?

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I'm not a god.

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I'm just an ordinary guy, you know,

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going round talking to people

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sort... sort of like Jesus...

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in a way... but better.

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Well, I've actually turned up. So...

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Thank you and welcome 
to my new show, Humanity.

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I don't know why I called it that.
I'm not a big fan.

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I prefer dogs... obviously.

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Dogs are better people than people, 
aren't they?

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They're amazing, dogs.

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They're our best friends.

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They guard us, they guide us.

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There's medical detection dogs

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that can smell if you've got...

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AIDS.

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I'm not a doctor...
but their noses are a thousand times

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more sensitive than ours, so they go,

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"Cor, you're well HIV! Fuck!" You know?

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And you go, 
"You can smell AIDS on someone?"

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Yeah.

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"Why didn't you smell it on the bloke

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I brought home last night, 
you fucking idiot?"

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They did the first three billion years 
by themselves,

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evolution and all that.

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Then we got involved
and did some selective breeding.

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Getting them how we wanted, 
to do jobs for us.

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Bit stronger, faster, whatever.

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They're great at the jobs
they're bred to do.

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They love the job they're bred to do.

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They're genetically hardwired 
to love that behavior.

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Although, the Rhodesian Ridgeback
was bred to hunt lions.

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I can't help but think it was 
a shock to it when it found out.

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So we've got all the pedigrees
for miles around.

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A big passing-out parade.

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There's a bloke with a white coat
and a clipboard.

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He goes, "Right, dogs!"
They go, "What?"

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"Who wants to know what job they got?"

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"We all do. We all do."

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"Okay, Labradors."

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"Yeah?"

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"Do you like carefully bringing back 
dead ducks?"

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"Yeah?"

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"That's your job."

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"Amazing. That is amazing.

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That is my favorite job. 
That is my favorite job."

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"Jack Russells?"

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-"Yeah?"
-"You like shooting down rabbit holes?"

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-"Yeah!"
-"That's your job."

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"Fuckin' hell. 
Best day ever! Best day ever!"

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-"Miniature poodles?"
-"Yeah?"

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"Do you like being carried around
by elderly homosexuals?"

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-"Yeah."
-"That's your job."

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That's your job.

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"Ridgebacks?"

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"Yo!"

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"You're hunting lions."

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"What?"

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"You're hunting lions."

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"Fuck off!"

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-"Yeah, you are."
-"No, we're not.

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Look, lions?

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We'll get fucking mashed!

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Why can't the Rottweilers hunt lions?"

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"They're shaking babies."

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Good boy!

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Good boy! You shake that baby if you want.

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Good boy!

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Cheers.

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This is my first new stand-up 
for seven years,

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if you don't count the Golden Globes.

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Which you shouldn't.

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The Golden Globes. Very different.

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God, a different vibe.

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Two hundred million people watching.

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And it's live.

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Big thrill.

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But with that many people watching,

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there's a bit of stick.

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Everyone's different, 
everyone's a blogger.

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Everyone goes, "I was offended."

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-"Why?"
-"He said an horrible thing."

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"He said loads of horrible things."

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"Yeah, but that was a thing 
that I care about."

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That's the thing about offense,

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it's about personal feelings.

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I don't care about the backlash.

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"Comedian in hot water."

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You know?

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My girlfriend, Jane, she worries,
and she reads things.

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"What have you said?"

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"Don't worry.

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They won't come to the house. Fuck 'em."

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So I wind her up.

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I pretend I'm gonna say much worse things

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than I ever would.

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I have to make up worse jokes

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than I actually...

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Just to scare my girlfriend.

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When I do the Golden Globes,
we go out about a week before.

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It's in LA. We fly out.

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I'm writing jokes 
as the ceremony approaches.

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They release more presenters.
I take my pick.

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"I got a good intro for them. Yeah.

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Mel Gibson? I'll introduce him, yes."

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About three days before this last one,

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just to wind Jane up, I said, 
"I got a good intro."

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She went, "What?"

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I said, "Bill Cosby would make
our next presenter sleep on the couch.

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Please welcome Helen Mirren!"

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I didn't do it.

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She said, "You won't do that?"
I said, "No."

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Next day, I got her again.

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I said, "Is this too much?"

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I said, "Not even Bill Cosby
carries enough tranquilizer

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to bring down
this next magnificent beast.

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Please welcome Melissa McCarthy!"

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I didn't do it! I would never...

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I'd never... tell a joke like that. 
It's horrible.

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I was just doing it to annoy Jane.

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I'd never even...

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think... of that,

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so don't...

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Even on the day, on the way
to the red carpet, in the limo,

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I said, "I'll start with 
a funny one-liner.

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An old-fashioned joke."

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She went, "What?" I said,

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"What did the deaf, dumb and blind
orphan get for Christmas?"

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Jane went, "I don't know."

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I said, "Cancer."

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I didn't do it, so...

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you're getting offended at a joke

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that doesn't exist, so...

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I'd never say that in public, so...

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To anyone who mattered, anyway.

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00:07:01,400 --> 00:07:02,240
So, don't...

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00:07:04,480 --> 00:07:07,720
I didn't have to worry about 
offending anyone. It just happens.

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The big controversy last time I did it
was a Caitlyn Jenner joke.

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Outrage on Twitter the next day.

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I mean a couple of people going,

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"It was transphobic."

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It wasn't transphobic in the slightest.

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It was a joke about a trans person,

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but it had nothing to do
with that aspect of her existence.

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And that's the other thing 
about offense.

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People mistake the subject of a joke
with the actual target.

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They're not necessarily the same.

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I'll tell you the joke,
you make your minds up.

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It's live, so they go,

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"Your host for the 68th Annual
Golden Globes Awards,

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please welcome Ricky Gervais."

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They're all clapping, 
the actors are smiling at me.

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Nervously. It's brilliant, right?

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So, I just go,

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"Relax, I'm gonna be nice tonight.

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I've changed.

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Not as much as Bruce Jenner,
obviously."

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And I go, "Now Caitlyn Jenner, of course."
And what a year she's had.

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Became a role model 
for trans people everywhere,

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bravely breaking down barriers
and destroying stereotypes.

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00:08:22,480 --> 00:08:25,560
She didn't do a lot for women drivers..."

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That's a clever joke. I'll tell you why.

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Right?

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It's layered. No, listen, right?

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The subject of that joke is stereotypes.

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I'm playing with the notion
of stereotypes.

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I start by saying she's a real woman,

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a liberal, progressive attitude.

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00:08:45,440 --> 00:08:47,240
Then if she's a real woman,

183
00:08:47,320 --> 00:08:49,600
I hit them with 
the old-fashioned stereotype.

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00:08:49,680 --> 00:08:52,120
She must be a bad driver, then. Right?

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00:08:52,200 --> 00:08:56,240
The target of the joke is a celebrity
killing someone in their car.

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00:08:57,960 --> 00:09:00,120
Let's not forget that, shall we?

187
00:09:00,680 --> 00:09:05,000
A celebrity killing someone in their car,
running home and popping on a dress.

188
00:09:05,080 --> 00:09:05,920
That's...

189
00:09:06,640 --> 00:09:09,760
the target of the joke,
just so we're clear.

190
00:09:09,840 --> 00:09:10,680
Okay?

191
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She was interviewed a week later

192
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at a press conference for a show of hers.

193
00:09:17,360 --> 00:09:18,520
Now cancelled.

194
00:09:18,600 --> 00:09:19,640
And...

195
00:09:21,120 --> 00:09:24,640
one of the press said, "What do you
think of the Ricky Gervais joke?"

196
00:09:24,720 --> 00:09:27,680
She went, "Maybe I should host
the Golden Globes."

197
00:09:27,760 --> 00:09:30,680
And they tweeted that and @-ed me in,

198
00:09:30,760 --> 00:09:32,880
because they want a celebrity feud.

199
00:09:32,960 --> 00:09:35,960
It was clickbait. I rose to the bait.

200
00:09:36,040 --> 00:09:36,880
Obviously...

201
00:09:40,400 --> 00:09:41,320
I just sent back,

202
00:09:41,400 --> 00:09:43,880
"Let her host. Just don't let her drive."

203
00:09:50,840 --> 00:09:54,320
Another website that was in the room,
Entertainment Weekly,

204
00:09:54,400 --> 00:09:57,920
they tweeted a different headline, 
and they @-ed me in.

205
00:09:58,000 --> 00:10:02,160
Their headline was "Caitlyn finally 
breaks silence over Ricky Gervais."

206
00:10:02,240 --> 00:10:05,600
I just sent back:
"At last. She always brakes too late."

207
00:10:08,760 --> 00:10:09,600
Bring it on.

208
00:10:09,880 --> 00:10:10,720
Bring it on.

209
00:10:14,760 --> 00:10:17,920
But I'm a considered comedian.
I like my jokes to be accurate

210
00:10:18,000 --> 00:10:19,600
and my targets to be fair.

211
00:10:19,680 --> 00:10:21,880
So I was engaging these people, saying,

212
00:10:22,400 --> 00:10:25,440
"Why is it transphobic?"
They said, "It's about a trans person."

213
00:10:25,520 --> 00:10:26,520
That's ridiculous.

214
00:10:26,600 --> 00:10:30,000
That's like saying a joke about Bill Cosby
is automatically racist.

215
00:10:30,080 --> 00:10:32,360
It depends on the joke.
But I'm willing to learn.

216
00:10:32,440 --> 00:10:35,920
I found out my crime was
that I dead-named her.

217
00:10:36,000 --> 00:10:38,160
I'd never heard that term

218
00:10:38,240 --> 00:10:40,360
before a day after the Golden Globes.

219
00:10:40,440 --> 00:10:43,000
And that was saying her old name,

220
00:10:43,080 --> 00:10:45,640
and even acknowledging she used 
to be a man.

221
00:10:46,360 --> 00:10:47,360
But she did!

222
00:10:53,720 --> 00:10:56,320
I saw him on the Olympic Games!

223
00:10:57,840 --> 00:11:00,040
He was a decathlete, he was in everything!

224
00:11:00,120 --> 00:11:03,440
All over the place!
Shot put and pole vault.

225
00:11:03,520 --> 00:11:06,160
He won a medal! He was famous!

226
00:11:06,240 --> 00:11:08,760
He was on telly all the time, you know?

227
00:11:08,840 --> 00:11:11,880
A big... famous... man.

228
00:11:11,960 --> 00:11:14,360
With a huge... I don't know. I'm guessing.

229
00:11:14,440 --> 00:11:15,760
Probably. He was big.

230
00:11:15,840 --> 00:11:17,520
But I've learnt my lesson.

231
00:11:18,520 --> 00:11:20,920
Now I know it's wrong.
I'd never dead-name her now.

232
00:11:21,040 --> 00:11:22,760
But, years ago,

233
00:11:22,840 --> 00:11:25,840
when she was a... man...

234
00:11:26,920 --> 00:11:28,400
Years ago, I'm saying.

235
00:11:28,480 --> 00:11:30,040
And she went to the... doctor...

236
00:11:30,120 --> 00:11:32,520
and... knocked on the door.

237
00:11:32,600 --> 00:11:34,280
The doctor went, "Come in!"

238
00:11:34,360 --> 00:11:35,560
This is years ago.

239
00:11:35,640 --> 00:11:38,480
I'd never dead-name her now,
but this is like...

240
00:11:38,560 --> 00:11:41,720
a flashback before anyone... 
You know what... so...

241
00:11:41,800 --> 00:11:43,240
so, like, "Come in!"

242
00:11:43,320 --> 00:11:47,000
And he went, "Hello, Bruce Jenner."
Because that...

243
00:11:47,080 --> 00:11:49,080
that was his name... then.

244
00:11:49,160 --> 00:11:51,120
The doctor-- This was years ago...

245
00:11:51,240 --> 00:11:54,920
The doctor went, "All right, Bruce Jenner,
how you doing, you fucker?

246
00:11:56,280 --> 00:11:57,360
You big old lunk.

247
00:11:57,440 --> 00:11:58,360
How you doing?

248
00:11:59,280 --> 00:12:00,960
Come here, you, you fucker.

249
00:12:03,040 --> 00:12:04,320
How you doing, Brucie boy?"

250
00:12:05,880 --> 00:12:09,000
And Bruce Jenner-- That was his name. 
This is years ago.

251
00:12:09,080 --> 00:12:10,360
Right? So...

252
00:12:11,280 --> 00:12:14,040
Bruce Jenner went, "Yeah.
Yeah, not too bad, Doctor. Yeah."

253
00:12:16,280 --> 00:12:19,960
"What can I do for you, Bruce, 
you fucker? How you doing, boy?"

254
00:12:20,040 --> 00:12:21,200
And Bruce Jenner went--

255
00:12:21,280 --> 00:12:23,480
That was his name.
Bruce Jenner went...

256
00:12:24,320 --> 00:12:25,360
"Look at that."

257
00:12:26,400 --> 00:12:29,160
The doctor went, "Come on,
Bruce Jenner, you know the rules."

258
00:12:29,240 --> 00:12:32,480
He uses his whole name every time,
for some reason...

259
00:12:33,840 --> 00:12:37,280
"Come on, Bruce Jenner, you fucker. 
You know the rules.

260
00:12:37,360 --> 00:12:40,520
You can't bring your big old
pole vaulting pole in here, mate."

261
00:12:41,520 --> 00:12:43,520
Bruce Jenner went, "No, that's 
not my pole,

262
00:12:43,600 --> 00:12:45,120
that's my enormous penis."

263
00:12:45,920 --> 00:12:49,200
"Well, seeing as it's your penis,
you can bring it in here.

264
00:12:49,280 --> 00:12:51,840
But you should have left your shot puts
outside."

265
00:12:53,600 --> 00:12:55,440
And Bruce Jenner went...

266
00:12:55,520 --> 00:12:57,120
That was his name for...

267
00:12:57,960 --> 00:12:59,800
fifty-eight years, I think.

268
00:13:05,000 --> 00:13:08,200
He went, "No, they're not my shot puts,
Doctor,

269
00:13:08,280 --> 00:13:09,920
they're my enormous testicles."

270
00:13:10,000 --> 00:13:15,480
That's where I keep my testosterone, 
and my spunk, and shit, right?

271
00:13:15,560 --> 00:13:17,960
And the doctor went, "Oh yeah.

272
00:13:18,040 --> 00:13:19,200
That makes perfect--

273
00:13:19,280 --> 00:13:21,760
I'm a medical man. You're a big bloke.

274
00:13:21,840 --> 00:13:24,280
You fucker. How you doing, boy?
You're a big...

275
00:13:24,920 --> 00:13:27,440
You're big, 
and you would have a big old...

276
00:13:27,520 --> 00:13:29,600
cock and... balls.

277
00:13:29,680 --> 00:13:30,800
They're beautiful."

278
00:13:30,880 --> 00:13:32,320
Bit familiar, innit?

279
00:13:32,400 --> 00:13:35,120
"No, you must be very proud of them,
Bruce."

280
00:13:35,800 --> 00:13:38,480
Bruce went, 
"This is going to surprise you, Doctor.

281
00:13:39,200 --> 00:13:40,560
I wanna get rid of them."

282
00:13:40,640 --> 00:13:42,960
And the doctor went, "What? Why?"

283
00:13:43,040 --> 00:13:46,000
"Oh, they get in the way."
"In the way of what?"

284
00:13:46,080 --> 00:13:48,080
"Fucking driving, for one thing!"

285
00:13:55,640 --> 00:13:58,320
So, I'm engaging these people, 
and I'm saying,

286
00:13:58,400 --> 00:14:00,000
"But I had to say her old name.

287
00:14:00,080 --> 00:14:02,320
That's the joke. I say, "I've changed.

288
00:14:02,400 --> 00:14:03,800
Not as much as Bruce Jenner."

289
00:14:03,880 --> 00:14:05,760
Then I do the joke." But, no.

290
00:14:05,840 --> 00:14:08,600
This is my second crime.
I say, she hasn't changed.

291
00:14:08,680 --> 00:14:11,360
She's always identified as a woman.

292
00:14:11,440 --> 00:14:12,840
That means she's a woman.

293
00:14:12,920 --> 00:14:14,280
Fine, if that's the rules.

294
00:14:14,360 --> 00:14:16,360
If you feel you're a woman, you are.

295
00:14:16,440 --> 00:14:18,520
I'm not a bigot who thinks

296
00:14:18,600 --> 00:14:20,960
having all that done 
is science going too far.

297
00:14:21,320 --> 00:14:24,200
In fact, 
I don't think it's going far enough.

298
00:14:25,040 --> 00:14:27,880
Cause I've always identified as a chimp,
right?

299
00:14:27,960 --> 00:14:29,040
Well, I am a chimp.

300
00:14:29,120 --> 00:14:30,920
If I say I'm a chimp, I am a chimp.

301
00:14:31,400 --> 00:14:32,320
Pre-op.

302
00:14:32,400 --> 00:14:33,560
But...

303
00:14:34,960 --> 00:14:36,320
Don't ever dead-name me.

304
00:14:36,400 --> 00:14:38,320
Don't call me Ricky Gervais again.

305
00:14:38,400 --> 00:14:40,120
From now on, you call me Bobo.

306
00:14:41,320 --> 00:14:43,760
I'm gonna have species realignment.

307
00:14:43,840 --> 00:14:45,400
I'm halfway there.

308
00:14:45,480 --> 00:14:48,040
I'm short, with short legs and long arms.

309
00:14:48,120 --> 00:14:50,920
I stoop. 
My back's getting hairier by the day.

310
00:14:51,000 --> 00:14:52,760
I've got fangs, like that.

311
00:14:52,840 --> 00:14:55,000
I love nuts. I love nuts.

312
00:14:55,080 --> 00:14:58,000
Once, I was at the zoo, 
and people were looking at me,

313
00:14:58,080 --> 00:15:00,040
so I just started masturbating, like...

314
00:15:01,840 --> 00:15:02,840
So...

315
00:15:03,720 --> 00:15:05,440
I am a chimp, right?

316
00:15:06,600 --> 00:15:08,640
I am a chimp if I say I'm a chimp.

317
00:15:08,720 --> 00:15:11,400
I've got to live as a chimp for a year.

318
00:15:11,480 --> 00:15:13,360
Then have hormones, 
get me all nice and hairy.

319
00:15:13,440 --> 00:15:14,720
That'd be lovely.

320
00:15:14,800 --> 00:15:18,400
I'm gonna stay a male chimp...
so I can keep all that, right?

321
00:15:18,480 --> 00:15:19,920
Male, heterosexual chimp.

322
00:15:20,000 --> 00:15:21,680
Keep the same girlfriend.

323
00:15:21,760 --> 00:15:24,040
Jane would be happy. She loves me,

324
00:15:24,120 --> 00:15:26,520
she loves chimps, so... You know.

325
00:15:27,600 --> 00:15:29,720
I reckon that's got to be easier

326
00:15:29,800 --> 00:15:31,920
for a man to turn into a chimp,

327
00:15:32,000 --> 00:15:33,600
we're so close, than for a man

328
00:15:33,680 --> 00:15:35,760
to turn into a woman, in many ways.

329
00:15:35,840 --> 00:15:38,280
A bit of hair, and a top lip like that,

330
00:15:38,360 --> 00:15:41,200
as opposed to your cock and balls
ripped off...

331
00:15:41,280 --> 00:15:43,600
and a hole gouged out, into--

332
00:15:43,680 --> 00:15:44,800
I'm not a doctor!

333
00:15:44,880 --> 00:15:46,120
But that is...

334
00:15:47,600 --> 00:15:48,760
the gist of it.

335
00:15:48,840 --> 00:15:51,000
I know which one I'd rather have done.

336
00:15:51,080 --> 00:15:54,200
I'm not saying chimps are better
than women. No way.

337
00:15:55,400 --> 00:15:57,880
Right? Any ladies here?

338
00:15:57,960 --> 00:15:59,520
I can't see you, but, to me,

339
00:15:59,600 --> 00:16:02,120
every single one of you is equal...

340
00:16:02,200 --> 00:16:03,800
to a chimp. So...

341
00:16:07,160 --> 00:16:09,600
So, I'd have all that done, hair and that.

342
00:16:09,680 --> 00:16:11,320
I'd do all that, all the...

343
00:16:13,360 --> 00:16:16,000
I'll retain the ability to speak English.

344
00:16:16,080 --> 00:16:19,440
Like in emergencies. I'm talking to Jane,
she's going, "What is it?"

345
00:16:21,320 --> 00:16:22,600
"What is it, Bobo?"

346
00:16:22,680 --> 00:16:24,920
"You left the fucking oven on!
There's a fire!"

347
00:16:28,240 --> 00:16:32,000
Are you saying that if Caitlyn Jenner
was being chased by a wolf,

348
00:16:32,080 --> 00:16:34,720
and there was a big fence
but she had a long pole,

349
00:16:35,120 --> 00:16:37,240
she'd... revert.

350
00:16:37,320 --> 00:16:38,800
She'd be over that fucking...

351
00:16:39,480 --> 00:16:40,640
Easy.

352
00:16:43,280 --> 00:16:45,880
So I'd have all that done. Top lip.

353
00:16:45,960 --> 00:16:48,320
Doing all that. Right?

354
00:16:48,400 --> 00:16:49,920
I'll be legally a chimp.

355
00:16:50,000 --> 00:16:52,400
I'll be well... properly chimped-up.

356
00:16:52,480 --> 00:16:54,080
I'll be able to use chimp toilets!

357
00:16:54,920 --> 00:16:58,560
I'll be walking along,  
holding Jane's hand. "Come on, Bobo."

358
00:17:00,640 --> 00:17:03,000
Right? We don't hold hands now.

359
00:17:03,080 --> 00:17:05,600
I don't know why she's all over me 
now I'm a chimp.

360
00:17:06,680 --> 00:17:09,360
But we'll be all in love. 
Maybe matching jumpers.

361
00:17:10,880 --> 00:17:14,000
"Come on, Bobo." In love. Just two...
Like that.

362
00:17:14,080 --> 00:17:17,120
Then, if a bigot in a van slows down
and goes,

363
00:17:17,200 --> 00:17:18,640
"That's fucking disgusting."

364
00:17:19,040 --> 00:17:21,200
I'll fling shit at him and run up a tree.

365
00:17:22,880 --> 00:17:25,720
And that's why that joke
isn't transphobic. So...

366
00:17:27,800 --> 00:17:28,760
Cheers.

367
00:17:34,480 --> 00:17:35,640
So, humanity.

368
00:17:36,360 --> 00:17:37,240
What is humanity?

369
00:17:37,320 --> 00:17:38,520
What are we?

370
00:17:38,600 --> 00:17:40,640
Well, we've touched upon it there.

371
00:17:41,080 --> 00:17:42,040
We're great apes.

372
00:17:42,120 --> 00:17:45,280
Not metaphorically!
We're literally great apes.

373
00:17:45,360 --> 00:17:49,280
We are 98.6% genetically identical
to a chimpanzee.

374
00:17:49,360 --> 00:17:51,920
We're closer to chimps 
than chimps are to gorillas.

375
00:17:52,000 --> 00:17:54,720
We left our common ancestor 
about six million years ago.

376
00:17:55,440 --> 00:17:56,960
We have the same life cycle.

377
00:17:57,040 --> 00:17:59,360
Same as any other animal. Which is...

378
00:17:59,440 --> 00:18:01,280
our parents mate...

379
00:18:01,360 --> 00:18:02,640
we're born...

380
00:18:02,720 --> 00:18:03,840
we grow...

381
00:18:03,920 --> 00:18:05,160
we mate...

382
00:18:05,240 --> 00:18:06,440
our parents die...

383
00:18:07,040 --> 00:18:08,600
our friends die...

384
00:18:09,560 --> 00:18:10,880
and then we die.

385
00:18:13,440 --> 00:18:14,280
Now...

386
00:18:14,360 --> 00:18:17,200
my seven-year-old niece
didn't like hearing that.

387
00:18:18,400 --> 00:18:21,200
But I said, "You've gotta learn.
Stop crying."

388
00:18:21,280 --> 00:18:23,520
I said, "You're seven.

389
00:18:23,600 --> 00:18:25,280
You know... today.

390
00:18:25,920 --> 00:18:26,760
So...

391
00:18:32,800 --> 00:18:36,040
Any more grizzling
and this party's cancelled, so..."

392
00:18:37,200 --> 00:18:39,800
Let's take the first of those. Birth.

393
00:18:39,920 --> 00:18:43,120
It's odd, because a human is born
before the end

394
00:18:43,200 --> 00:18:44,680
of its natural gestation period.

395
00:18:44,760 --> 00:18:47,040
I mean, because of our evolution,

396
00:18:47,120 --> 00:18:48,560
our brain is so big,

397
00:18:48,640 --> 00:18:50,840
we have to get that huge head out early.

398
00:18:50,920 --> 00:18:53,680
That's why the skull 
is in parts and supple.

399
00:18:53,760 --> 00:18:57,880
Then we go on gestating outside the womb.
That's why we're so useless.

400
00:18:57,960 --> 00:18:59,240
Look at other mammals.

401
00:18:59,320 --> 00:19:01,080
A giraffe is walking along.

402
00:19:01,160 --> 00:19:03,960
It goes, "I'm proper pregnant."
Right?

403
00:19:05,240 --> 00:19:07,440
I'm gonna have a baby giraffe right here.

404
00:19:08,600 --> 00:19:10,040
Yeah, there it is.

405
00:19:11,400 --> 00:19:12,320
See you later.

406
00:19:14,520 --> 00:19:15,800
And the baby goes,

407
00:19:15,880 --> 00:19:18,200
"Mum!" It's got to be fucking ready.

408
00:19:18,280 --> 00:19:20,280
We're... we're helpless, right?

409
00:19:20,360 --> 00:19:24,360
Just think, nine months we're growing
in this perfect environment.

410
00:19:25,800 --> 00:19:26,680
Everything's...

411
00:19:29,320 --> 00:19:31,960
It's like being
in a little Kate Bush video, right?

412
00:19:33,040 --> 00:19:36,920
Then, suddenly, you're being squeezed
out of an hole near an ass.

413
00:19:37,000 --> 00:19:40,200
You're covered in shit, there's screaming.

414
00:19:40,280 --> 00:19:43,240
You go, "I can't breathe." Someone goes,
"Yes, you fucking can!"

415
00:19:44,920 --> 00:19:47,000
The first one second of life on Earth.

416
00:19:47,080 --> 00:19:48,560
You don't know where you are.

417
00:19:48,640 --> 00:19:50,240
You can't choose where you're born.

418
00:19:50,320 --> 00:19:53,160
I was born in Whitley Estate 
in Reading, right?

419
00:19:54,320 --> 00:19:55,720
I wouldn't have chosen that.

420
00:19:59,600 --> 00:20:02,440
I'd have chosen Hampstead. 
I did choose Hampstead.

421
00:20:02,520 --> 00:20:04,880
It just took 45 years to be able 
to afford it.

422
00:20:05,480 --> 00:20:07,320
Very different. Very different,

423
00:20:07,400 --> 00:20:09,760
my upbringing to how I live now.

424
00:20:09,840 --> 00:20:11,320
Now I live a privileged life.

425
00:20:11,400 --> 00:20:13,880
Hampstead is ridiculous. 
It's a rarefied place.

426
00:20:13,960 --> 00:20:17,760
It's like the grandchildren 
of poets and painters

427
00:20:17,840 --> 00:20:19,800
and me, new money, right?

428
00:20:19,880 --> 00:20:22,240
But, growing up, it was tough!

429
00:20:22,320 --> 00:20:26,120
I don't know about now, but in my day,
my estate was rough and scary.

430
00:20:26,200 --> 00:20:27,640
It felt like wildlife.

431
00:20:27,720 --> 00:20:29,520
I was weak and vulnerable.

432
00:20:29,600 --> 00:20:31,720
There was danger round every corner.

433
00:20:31,800 --> 00:20:35,040
My school was on my street
and I ran there every day,

434
00:20:35,120 --> 00:20:37,080
so I didn't get mugged or molested.

435
00:20:37,160 --> 00:20:40,920
There weren't many pedophiles in Reading,
the murderers had killed a lot.

436
00:20:41,000 --> 00:20:43,040
But there was still a couple.

437
00:20:44,040 --> 00:20:47,560
I moved to Hampstead. Oh my god!
There's no crime!

438
00:20:47,640 --> 00:20:49,560
I saw a knife once in Hampstead.

439
00:20:49,640 --> 00:20:51,000
It was a palette knife.

440
00:20:51,720 --> 00:20:54,960
Just a bloke, oil painting,
in the middle of the street.

441
00:20:55,040 --> 00:20:58,800
Broad daylight, no-one gobbing on it
or calling him "bender". It was weird!

442
00:21:02,800 --> 00:21:05,440
I know my life has changed drastically,

443
00:21:05,520 --> 00:21:06,760
It wasn't always like that.

444
00:21:06,840 --> 00:21:10,200
As a famous person,
you read about yourself.

445
00:21:10,400 --> 00:21:12,960
Gossip and Twitter and everything.

446
00:21:13,040 --> 00:21:16,560
One thing kept cropping up,
even as I prepared for this tour.

447
00:21:16,640 --> 00:21:18,920
People kept saying, 
"He's out of touch.

448
00:21:19,000 --> 00:21:21,800
He's so famous. He's rich.
He's mega-rich."

449
00:21:21,880 --> 00:21:23,480
I am. Right?

450
00:21:25,880 --> 00:21:28,240
I could have this place burnt down
for a laugh.

451
00:21:33,440 --> 00:21:37,120
No, but they say things like,
"He's an observational comedian.

452
00:21:37,200 --> 00:21:40,280
How can he say things that relate
to ordinary...

453
00:21:40,360 --> 00:21:41,320
scum."

454
00:21:41,400 --> 00:21:42,480
And I say..

455
00:21:43,960 --> 00:21:46,280
I say, "Don't call them scum, right?"

456
00:21:47,040 --> 00:21:50,320
But even the papers, they try and...
get around to it.

457
00:21:50,400 --> 00:21:52,600
I do interviews and they'll always say,

458
00:21:53,480 --> 00:21:55,120
"Do you always fly first class?"

459
00:21:55,200 --> 00:21:58,400
I go, "No. Often private." Right?

460
00:21:59,720 --> 00:22:03,240
The number of times I've answered
this question. They say,

461
00:22:03,320 --> 00:22:04,960
"Do you know how much a pint of milk is?"

462
00:22:05,360 --> 00:22:07,240
To make you look out of touch.

463
00:22:07,320 --> 00:22:09,360
I don't know, but that's irrelevant.

464
00:22:09,960 --> 00:22:12,560
Next time a journalist asks me,
I'll say, "I don't know.

465
00:22:12,640 --> 00:22:14,640
But here's a grand. Run and get me one."

466
00:22:16,840 --> 00:22:19,600
Is that enough? That enough? Yeah.

467
00:22:23,160 --> 00:22:24,880
Another question I always get,

468
00:22:24,960 --> 00:22:28,400
particularly with the posh Sundays,
doing a profile piece.

469
00:22:28,480 --> 00:22:32,000
They're still trying to alienate you,
make you look different.

470
00:22:32,080 --> 00:22:33,440
They say things like,

471
00:22:34,320 --> 00:22:35,880
"You don't have children." I say, "No."

472
00:22:35,960 --> 00:22:37,640
"Why don't you have children?"

473
00:22:37,720 --> 00:22:39,320
Which is an odd question.

474
00:22:39,400 --> 00:22:40,880
Why don't you have children?

475
00:22:40,960 --> 00:22:43,960
As opposed to asking people, 
"Why do you have children?"

476
00:22:44,840 --> 00:22:48,600
Let's ask the fat lady in the leggings
why she's had eight, shall we?

477
00:22:50,680 --> 00:22:53,240
Nine! That one just fell out.

478
00:22:54,360 --> 00:22:56,600
That one didn't even touch the sides.

479
00:22:56,680 --> 00:22:59,600
Or... disturb her cigarette. 
That one just...

480
00:23:01,560 --> 00:23:02,920
Go and claim for that.

481
00:23:08,320 --> 00:23:10,680
People say it's selfish 
to not have children.

482
00:23:10,760 --> 00:23:13,640
How is it selfish to not bring a life 
into the world

483
00:23:13,720 --> 00:23:15,560
that doesn't exist on any level?

484
00:23:15,640 --> 00:23:19,280
There's not a cabinet full of potential
ghost fetuses going,

485
00:23:19,360 --> 00:23:21,240
"We want to be born!" Right?

486
00:23:23,760 --> 00:23:27,480
But I've thought about it and there's 
three reasons I don't have children.

487
00:23:27,560 --> 00:23:30,160
Three main reasons and I'll share them
with you.

488
00:23:30,720 --> 00:23:31,960
Three reasons.

489
00:23:32,040 --> 00:23:34,440
One. There's millions!

490
00:23:35,520 --> 00:23:39,160
The world's over-populated. 
No-one's going, "Rick's not having kids.

491
00:23:39,240 --> 00:23:40,920
We're gonna run out. Fuck."

492
00:23:43,040 --> 00:23:46,400
Two. Kids are scroungers. Aren't they?

493
00:23:46,480 --> 00:23:49,960
I mean, from day one, 
it's all "me, me, me", isn't it?

494
00:23:50,040 --> 00:23:51,440
"Feed me."

495
00:23:52,000 --> 00:23:53,160
"Clothe me."

496
00:23:53,880 --> 00:23:55,760
"Pay for my chemotherapy."

497
00:23:56,720 --> 00:23:57,760
No...

498
00:24:03,320 --> 00:24:04,280
No.

499
00:24:05,120 --> 00:24:07,360
Not my problem, son. Not mine.

500
00:24:09,640 --> 00:24:11,680
Luck of the draw, boy. Luck of the draw.

501
00:24:15,640 --> 00:24:20,160
It costs the average household 
in the West $200,000 to bring up a child.

502
00:24:20,240 --> 00:24:22,120
And they don't want to pay you back.

503
00:24:22,200 --> 00:24:23,480
They're not grateful.

504
00:24:23,560 --> 00:24:26,400
They don't go, "Thanks for having me."
It's "I didn't wanna be born."

505
00:24:27,120 --> 00:24:29,360
Even if they get a top job,
which they won't,

506
00:24:31,680 --> 00:24:33,400
you'll never see that money back.

507
00:24:33,480 --> 00:24:35,600
They'll just put you in a home, okay?

508
00:24:35,680 --> 00:24:36,960
And my kid,

509
00:24:37,040 --> 00:24:40,680
he'd be born into ridiculous wealth, 
wouldn't he? So...

510
00:24:43,680 --> 00:24:45,320
He'd be a little cunt.

511
00:24:53,360 --> 00:24:55,240
A little Hampstead cunt...

512
00:24:56,120 --> 00:24:59,280
running around with all the other 
fucking little Hampstead cunts,

513
00:24:59,760 --> 00:25:01,280
being all Hampstead and cunty.

514
00:25:01,360 --> 00:25:03,800
"I'm a little Hampstead cunt." 
Yes, I know.

515
00:25:03,880 --> 00:25:06,520
"These are my cunty friends." 
I know, it's obvious.

516
00:25:06,600 --> 00:25:08,960
I can tell 
from your little fucking cunty hats

517
00:25:09,040 --> 00:25:12,760
that you're little Hampstead cunts,
you little posh Hampstead...

518
00:25:12,840 --> 00:25:15,400
First, he'd know 
he was a little Hampstead cunt.

519
00:25:15,480 --> 00:25:17,200
"I'm a little..." Yes, we know.

520
00:25:17,280 --> 00:25:18,720
Everyone knows, right?

521
00:25:18,800 --> 00:25:20,320
He'd know that, right?

522
00:25:20,400 --> 00:25:24,480
On the other hand, he'd know he'd never
live up to being as brilliant as his dad.

523
00:25:25,440 --> 00:25:27,960
I'd say, "I worked my way up from nothing,

524
00:25:28,040 --> 00:25:30,360
and you're just a useless Hampstead cunt."

525
00:25:30,440 --> 00:25:34,760
He'd go, "Yeah." And that would 
probably prey on his little mind a bit.

526
00:25:34,840 --> 00:25:38,520
Eleven, twelve, he'd be naughty, 
run with the wrong crowd,

527
00:25:38,600 --> 00:25:40,680
try and get out from under my shadow.

528
00:25:40,760 --> 00:25:43,720
Then he'd turn to drugs. 
About 30, he'd come home,

529
00:25:43,800 --> 00:25:45,400
and overdose on my Afghan rug.

530
00:25:45,480 --> 00:25:47,880
Twenty grand, that was, right?

531
00:25:48,840 --> 00:25:51,080
And as he was there, convulsing,

532
00:25:51,200 --> 00:25:53,840
and throwing up his fucking lungs, right,

533
00:25:53,920 --> 00:25:58,200
and with his little posh, high-pitched,
fucking death rattle...

534
00:25:59,520 --> 00:26:01,800
his little fucking dying words,

535
00:26:01,880 --> 00:26:04,200
he'd go, "Do you love me now, Daddy?"

536
00:26:04,280 --> 00:26:05,120
No!

537
00:26:05,680 --> 00:26:06,520
No.

538
00:26:07,440 --> 00:26:10,480
No, I never did. 
That's why you'll never be born,

539
00:26:10,560 --> 00:26:12,920
you useless, fucking junkie, 
Hampstead cunt.

540
00:26:24,680 --> 00:26:25,920
And, three...

541
00:26:29,000 --> 00:26:31,360
I'd worry sick about him. You know?

542
00:26:32,360 --> 00:26:35,720
No I would! I've only got a cat now
and I worry sick about her.

543
00:26:35,880 --> 00:26:39,760
I check the door three times
when I go out, so she doesn't escape.

544
00:26:39,840 --> 00:26:44,120
I put food and water in every room
in case the door shuts and she's peckish.

545
00:26:45,440 --> 00:26:47,160
A human baby? Oh my god,

546
00:26:47,240 --> 00:26:49,400
the responsibility of a human life?

547
00:26:49,480 --> 00:26:51,600
I'd watch it sleep. You know?

548
00:26:51,680 --> 00:26:54,760
We said how weak and vulnerable
they are.

549
00:26:54,840 --> 00:26:56,920
Oh, my god! You perfect little thing.

550
00:26:57,000 --> 00:26:59,200
Oh, you flesh of my flesh.

551
00:26:59,280 --> 00:27:02,600
Now, go to sleep in your expensive cot,
like that.

552
00:27:04,800 --> 00:27:06,280
Night, night. Sleep tight.

553
00:27:06,360 --> 00:27:08,280
Don't let the bedbugs...

554
00:27:09,200 --> 00:27:10,040
Dead.

555
00:27:17,000 --> 00:27:17,840
Yeah.

556
00:27:18,760 --> 00:27:19,640
Just...

557
00:27:21,520 --> 00:27:23,880
Why? Why is it dead?

558
00:27:24,320 --> 00:27:26,120
It's just fucking dead, look!

559
00:27:31,200 --> 00:27:32,280
Fuck's sake!

560
00:27:37,680 --> 00:27:38,680
Fucking hell.

561
00:27:38,760 --> 00:27:42,840
What the... 
What a fucking waste of time that was!

562
00:27:44,600 --> 00:27:45,960
Fuck's sake.

563
00:27:48,160 --> 00:27:49,760
Embarrassing. "Jane?"

564
00:27:52,360 --> 00:27:53,760
-"What?"
-"Come here."

565
00:27:53,840 --> 00:27:55,720
-"I'm in the shower."
-"Come here."

566
00:27:55,800 --> 00:27:56,680
"What?"

567
00:27:57,360 --> 00:27:58,600
"Fucking dead already.

568
00:27:58,680 --> 00:28:00,320
I didn't... Just fucking...

569
00:28:01,000 --> 00:28:02,440
Fucking hell, Jane.

570
00:28:03,240 --> 00:28:05,200
You call that a baby? That is..."

571
00:28:09,160 --> 00:28:11,960
If Jane was out, I'd have to text her,
wouldn't I?

572
00:28:13,240 --> 00:28:14,320
What could you...

573
00:28:15,120 --> 00:28:16,120
"Baby's dead."

574
00:28:17,720 --> 00:28:19,720
She'd come back. "What the fuck?"

575
00:28:20,480 --> 00:28:21,720
I'd go, "Yep...

576
00:28:22,800 --> 00:28:24,400
Forget the Pampers. LOL."

577
00:28:32,320 --> 00:28:35,480
But even if it made it through
the terrifying cot years,

578
00:28:35,880 --> 00:28:37,760
and it was a toddler running around

579
00:28:37,840 --> 00:28:41,240
head height to my antique tables,
with their sharp edges.

580
00:28:41,320 --> 00:28:44,960
I'd have to pad them so it didn't
run into it, cave its head in and die.

581
00:28:45,080 --> 00:28:47,240
Then Social Services come round and say,

582
00:28:47,320 --> 00:28:49,000
"Is this your child, Mr. Gervais?"

583
00:28:49,080 --> 00:28:50,640
-"Yeah."
-"What happened here, then?"

584
00:28:50,720 --> 00:28:52,440
I go, "It's a fucking idiot."

585
00:28:55,840 --> 00:28:57,640
I did think of adopting for a while.

586
00:28:57,720 --> 00:28:59,400
A little third world child.

587
00:28:59,480 --> 00:29:01,640
Because that would tick all three boxes.

588
00:29:02,800 --> 00:29:06,120
One, I wouldn't be
adding to the population problem.

589
00:29:06,200 --> 00:29:08,160
I'd be alleviating an existing problem.

590
00:29:08,240 --> 00:29:10,840
A young kid born, through no fault
of his own,

591
00:29:10,920 --> 00:29:13,200
into abject poverty, he would have died,

592
00:29:13,280 --> 00:29:15,240
I can literally save his life,

593
00:29:15,320 --> 00:29:17,280
and give him a great upbringing.

594
00:29:17,360 --> 00:29:18,560
Right? Two.

595
00:29:18,640 --> 00:29:20,600
He would be grateful, wouldn't he?

596
00:29:20,680 --> 00:29:22,960
He'd wanna pay me back, woudn't he?

597
00:29:23,040 --> 00:29:27,480
Particularly if I let him know the other
kids in the village weren't so lucky.

598
00:29:27,560 --> 00:29:31,040
They didn't... They didn't make it out.
Right?

599
00:29:32,160 --> 00:29:33,560
I'd tell him that early on,

600
00:29:33,640 --> 00:29:35,600
so he really bucked his ideas up.

601
00:29:36,400 --> 00:29:38,960
I'd go, "Tunde, come here.

602
00:29:40,440 --> 00:29:41,360
Come here.

603
00:29:41,440 --> 00:29:42,520
Yeah, yeah.

604
00:29:44,000 --> 00:29:46,600
Go and pop a shirt on, 
you're not in Africa now.

605
00:29:50,320 --> 00:29:51,720
That's better. Yeah.

606
00:29:51,800 --> 00:29:55,920
Tunde, look-- Yeah! 
Water straight out of a tap, innit? Yes!

607
00:29:56,800 --> 00:29:57,640
Yeah.

608
00:29:57,720 --> 00:29:58,560
Yeah!

609
00:29:58,640 --> 00:30:01,760
No, it's not free.
It's Hampstead, you know, but...

610
00:30:01,840 --> 00:30:03,520
Yeah, course it's safe.

611
00:30:03,600 --> 00:30:05,680
Safe, fresh drinking water.

612
00:30:05,760 --> 00:30:08,520
Have as much as you want.
Have a bucket full.

613
00:30:08,600 --> 00:30:10,400
Fresh drinking water. There you go.

614
00:30:10,480 --> 00:30:12,360
Go and clean the car. Go on."

615
00:30:17,760 --> 00:30:19,000
No, I'd go, "Look.

616
00:30:19,080 --> 00:30:22,480
Remember all your friends
in the village back in Africa?

617
00:30:22,560 --> 00:30:23,480
They're all dead.

618
00:30:25,360 --> 00:30:27,880
A rich man didn't save them 
and bring them to Hampstead.

619
00:30:28,520 --> 00:30:30,520
-Do you wanna pay me back?" 
-"Yeah."

620
00:30:30,600 --> 00:30:32,120
"Yeah, I bet you do."

621
00:30:33,120 --> 00:30:34,720
The good thing about them is,

622
00:30:34,800 --> 00:30:37,800
they can start work
when they're about... six.

623
00:30:39,560 --> 00:30:41,560
I just call up Nike and I go...

624
00:30:43,120 --> 00:30:46,000
"Do you still make your stuff 
in sweatshops?

625
00:30:46,080 --> 00:30:48,520
Got a great little worker here, yeah.

626
00:30:48,600 --> 00:30:51,040
Pound a day's fine.
He's gotta start somewhere.

627
00:30:51,720 --> 00:30:53,080
And, three...

628
00:30:53,160 --> 00:30:56,640
if he ran round and caved his head in...
and died,

629
00:30:56,720 --> 00:31:00,760
and Social Services came round and said,
"Is this your child, Mr Gervais?"

630
00:31:00,840 --> 00:31:02,840
I'd go, "Does it look like mine?"

631
00:31:06,360 --> 00:31:07,240
I'd go...

632
00:31:08,200 --> 00:31:10,600
"This is Hampstead. 
It's obviously broken in."

633
00:31:17,560 --> 00:31:19,120
That's why I don't have kids.

634
00:31:21,760 --> 00:31:23,680
Even though I don't have children 
of my own,

635
00:31:24,400 --> 00:31:27,360
people still show me photos of theirs,
like I give a shit.

636
00:31:28,000 --> 00:31:29,760
I don't mean my own family.

637
00:31:29,840 --> 00:31:30,840
They've given up.

638
00:31:30,920 --> 00:31:33,800
I've got older brothers and sisters.
They've had loads of kids.

639
00:31:33,880 --> 00:31:36,880
And their kids have kids, 
and then their kids!

640
00:31:36,960 --> 00:31:38,000
There's about 50.

641
00:31:38,080 --> 00:31:40,600
I don't know all their names. 
I see them at Christmas.

642
00:31:41,680 --> 00:31:44,080
It's all "Uncle Ricky!" 
They know I've got a bit of cash.

643
00:31:45,000 --> 00:31:47,200
They go through my pockets,
and then fuck off.

644
00:31:47,320 --> 00:31:49,680
It's like being mugged by mice, right?

645
00:31:50,480 --> 00:31:52,560
I don't mean them, I mean strangers.

646
00:31:52,640 --> 00:31:54,880
I could be busy, I could be working,

647
00:31:54,960 --> 00:31:58,160
like on the set of a TV or film 
or something,

648
00:31:58,240 --> 00:32:00,520
stressed, producing or directing it.

649
00:32:00,600 --> 00:32:02,720
You get someone who's in for one day,

650
00:32:02,800 --> 00:32:04,600
with one line, or a stuntman,

651
00:32:04,680 --> 00:32:06,200
they introduce themselves.

652
00:32:06,280 --> 00:32:08,880
"Good. Be with you in a minute."
Then they hover.

653
00:32:09,600 --> 00:32:12,840
-"Busy?"
-I go, "Yeah! Yes. Yeah."

654
00:32:12,920 --> 00:32:14,960
They go, "Working the weekend?"

655
00:32:15,040 --> 00:32:17,880
I go, "Not filming, 
but I'll be in the edit."

656
00:32:17,960 --> 00:32:20,440
"I'm taking my youngest 
to ballet lessons."

657
00:32:20,520 --> 00:32:22,000
"Ah. Great.

658
00:32:22,080 --> 00:32:22,920
Great."

659
00:32:23,480 --> 00:32:24,920
"Yeah, she's eight."

660
00:32:28,600 --> 00:32:29,960
"I've got a photograph."

661
00:32:30,040 --> 00:32:33,040
I go, "You know what?
Show me it if she goes missing.

662
00:32:38,800 --> 00:32:40,640
I'll keep an eye open in the woods."

663
00:32:50,280 --> 00:32:53,640
You've gotta go through
the whole polite rigmarole, and go,

664
00:32:55,840 --> 00:32:57,040
"She's beautiful."

665
00:32:59,040 --> 00:33:02,040
It's gotta be long. Too short, 
it's awkward. They know.

666
00:33:02,120 --> 00:33:03,640
You go, "Yeah, right."

667
00:33:03,720 --> 00:33:05,720
Too long and it's like,

668
00:33:16,840 --> 00:33:17,800
"She's...

669
00:33:18,520 --> 00:33:20,120
She's fucking beautiful."

670
00:33:20,640 --> 00:33:22,960
It's a minefield, innit?

671
00:33:23,440 --> 00:33:24,280
So...

672
00:33:30,680 --> 00:33:33,080
I'm not out of touch. But I am spoiled.

673
00:33:33,960 --> 00:33:37,400
There's a difference.
I didn't have any money until I was 40.

674
00:33:37,480 --> 00:33:39,560
I've got the same family, friends
and values.

675
00:33:39,640 --> 00:33:40,880
But I am spoiled.

676
00:33:40,960 --> 00:33:44,120
Because opportunity and privilege 
spoils you.

677
00:33:44,200 --> 00:33:47,160
And it doesn't take much.
I'l give you an example.

678
00:33:47,240 --> 00:33:49,280
When I first made it in America,

679
00:33:49,360 --> 00:33:50,520
the next time we flew,

680
00:33:50,600 --> 00:33:52,840
we're met by a bloke in a suit
and a thing.

681
00:33:52,920 --> 00:33:55,000
And he just walked us past the queue

682
00:33:55,080 --> 00:33:57,080
and straight out the other side.

683
00:33:57,160 --> 00:33:59,120
The first time, you're horrified.

684
00:33:59,200 --> 00:34:02,680
"Everyone's looking." 
Pretending to be late, baseball cap.

685
00:34:02,760 --> 00:34:03,600
Oh, god.

686
00:34:03,680 --> 00:34:06,560
Next time we flew, I went, 
"Where's that bloke?

687
00:34:06,640 --> 00:34:07,840
I'm not queueing!"

688
00:34:08,320 --> 00:34:09,600
It's quick!

689
00:34:10,480 --> 00:34:13,000
When I fly to the States, I've got
a place there,

690
00:34:13,080 --> 00:34:14,360
but I'm always working.

691
00:34:14,440 --> 00:34:16,200
So, someone else is paying.

692
00:34:16,280 --> 00:34:18,200
So, I go first class. BA.

693
00:34:18,280 --> 00:34:19,760
It doesn't get any better.

694
00:34:19,840 --> 00:34:22,600
Even if I was paying,
I'd still go first class,

695
00:34:22,680 --> 00:34:25,240
but Jane would probably be in coach...

696
00:34:26,400 --> 00:34:28,040
It's ten grand a pop!

697
00:34:28,120 --> 00:34:31,520
That new Planet of the Apes movie's on. 
She'll love that.

698
00:34:31,600 --> 00:34:33,040
She'll be up for that.

699
00:34:35,400 --> 00:34:36,920
But when someone else is paying,

700
00:34:37,000 --> 00:34:38,960
I say, 
"Jane, get up here with me." Right?

701
00:34:39,480 --> 00:34:41,480
Front two seats...

702
00:34:41,560 --> 00:34:43,080
They board us early.

703
00:34:43,160 --> 00:34:46,480
We're on the plane
about 15 minutes before anyone else. God.

704
00:34:46,560 --> 00:34:51,000
They bring round these snacks, 
these warmed, caramelized nuts in a bowl.

705
00:34:51,080 --> 00:34:53,880
Champagne. It's great.
It's like a day off.

706
00:34:53,960 --> 00:34:57,520
No phone or anything. It's like a holiday,
flying to the States.

707
00:34:57,600 --> 00:34:59,560
I could do without the safety video.

708
00:35:00,400 --> 00:35:02,080
That's always a bit of a downer.

709
00:35:02,480 --> 00:35:03,960
And totally pointless.

710
00:35:04,040 --> 00:35:07,160
If you hit the side of a mountain 
at 500 miles per hour,

711
00:35:07,920 --> 00:35:10,400
the brace position does fuck all.

712
00:35:14,040 --> 00:35:16,000
Imagine if that worked.

713
00:35:16,080 --> 00:35:18,360
You're going down, the plane smashes.

714
00:35:18,440 --> 00:35:20,520
You go, "I'll try it." You do that.

715
00:35:20,600 --> 00:35:23,320
Ball of flames, you wake up,
everyone's dead.

716
00:35:23,400 --> 00:35:26,360
You go, "Fucking hell, 
that's amazing, that is!"

717
00:35:32,600 --> 00:35:35,000
And they always use that voice, 
don't they?

718
00:35:36,800 --> 00:35:39,840
That calming, hypnotic voice, 
like, "Nothing bad will happen."

719
00:35:39,920 --> 00:35:43,040
They're saying horrendous things, 
but nothing bad will happen,

720
00:35:43,120 --> 00:35:45,520
because I'm using this voice, don't worry.

721
00:35:45,600 --> 00:35:48,840
Things like, "In the event 
of the plane landing on water--"

722
00:35:48,920 --> 00:35:51,480
It smashes the fuck to bits, right?

723
00:35:52,560 --> 00:35:55,360
They say, "In the event of the plane
landing on water,

724
00:35:55,440 --> 00:35:58,160
your life jacket is equipped 
with a whistle."

725
00:35:59,240 --> 00:36:01,400
A fucking whistle.

726
00:36:01,480 --> 00:36:04,760
So, the plane hits the water, 
smashes to bits,

727
00:36:04,840 --> 00:36:07,640
everyone's dead, except you, by a miracle.

728
00:36:07,720 --> 00:36:10,040
You're bobbing around 
in the Atlantic Ocean.

729
00:36:10,120 --> 00:36:12,000
Four degrees, that water is.

730
00:36:12,080 --> 00:36:16,280
You've got about 15 minutes
before hypothermia sets in.

731
00:36:16,360 --> 00:36:18,520
Or you're eaten by a shark, or you drown.

732
00:36:18,600 --> 00:36:20,920
You're hoping they've sent air-sea rescue.

733
00:36:21,000 --> 00:36:24,960
You're going, "God, I'm gonna die, 
I don't know what I'm doing!"

734
00:36:25,040 --> 00:36:25,880
Hold on!

735
00:36:36,080 --> 00:36:37,760
I mean, Air Sea Rescue...

736
00:36:37,840 --> 00:36:40,480
I don't know if you've ever been in 
a helicopter.

737
00:36:40,560 --> 00:36:41,960
O course you haven't. But...

738
00:36:43,440 --> 00:36:45,160
They're fucking loud.

739
00:36:45,240 --> 00:36:47,760
It's like having your head 
in a washing machine.

740
00:36:47,840 --> 00:36:52,040
You have to wear ear plugs and defenders.
Your teeth rattle. It's like...

741
00:36:54,480 --> 00:36:57,120
Like that. 
Over the Atlantic Ocean at night.

742
00:37:05,640 --> 00:37:06,800
Never gonna happen.

743
00:37:12,600 --> 00:37:14,960
If you crash, you die, right?

744
00:37:16,680 --> 00:37:19,040
But apart from that, it's brilliant. 
Right...

745
00:37:19,760 --> 00:37:23,600
I was flying Heathrow to JFK
just before Christmas, right?

746
00:37:23,680 --> 00:37:25,560
Boarded us early, on the plane.

747
00:37:25,640 --> 00:37:26,800
She comes round.

748
00:37:26,880 --> 00:37:30,040
"Champagne in a wine glass, 
like you like it, Mr. Gervais."

749
00:37:30,120 --> 00:37:31,000
She goes off.

750
00:37:31,080 --> 00:37:33,840
I go, "Have you got any 
of them warm nuts?"

751
00:37:33,920 --> 00:37:37,040
She went, "We're not handing out nuts 
on this flight.

752
00:37:37,120 --> 00:37:39,520
A lady's getting on who's so allergic,

753
00:37:39,600 --> 00:37:42,000
even someone eating nuts nearby

754
00:37:42,080 --> 00:37:44,360
would cause her to have a fatal reaction."

755
00:37:44,440 --> 00:37:46,600
I went, "Oh, my god, of course."

756
00:37:46,680 --> 00:37:48,960
I was fuming. I mean...

757
00:37:49,840 --> 00:37:51,440
What's that got to do with me?

758
00:37:51,520 --> 00:37:53,360
Why can't I eat nuts, just cause...

759
00:37:53,440 --> 00:37:55,640
fucking... this woman will... die, right?

760
00:37:56,800 --> 00:37:58,800
Nuts! How has she lived this long?

761
00:37:58,880 --> 00:38:03,000
If walking by a nut kills you...

762
00:38:03,080 --> 00:38:06,320
if being... just near a nut...

763
00:38:06,400 --> 00:38:08,800
How has she never been near a nut...

764
00:38:09,600 --> 00:38:10,440
before?

765
00:38:10,520 --> 00:38:12,840
And how has she lived long enough,

766
00:38:12,920 --> 00:38:15,000
having never been near a nut,

767
00:38:15,080 --> 00:38:18,160
how has she lived long enough
to earn enough money

768
00:38:18,240 --> 00:38:20,600
to be near me on a plane, right?

769
00:38:21,840 --> 00:38:23,200
Honestly. It's...

770
00:38:24,960 --> 00:38:27,640
And if being near a nut kills you,

771
00:38:27,720 --> 00:38:30,920
do we really want that in the gene pool? 
I mean...

772
00:38:31,760 --> 00:38:33,280
I never wanted nuts more.

773
00:38:33,360 --> 00:38:37,120
I felt she was infringing 
on my human right to eat nuts.

774
00:38:38,120 --> 00:38:40,720
And this is how spoiled I am, okay?

775
00:38:40,800 --> 00:38:42,280
I actually had this thought.

776
00:38:42,360 --> 00:38:45,600
I thought, "Oh, I wish 
I'd brought my own nuts on."

777
00:38:45,680 --> 00:38:46,520
Right?.

778
00:38:47,800 --> 00:38:50,600
I thought for a second,
but that wouldn't work.

779
00:38:50,680 --> 00:38:54,280
She'd get on and start blowing up 
like a frog, right?

780
00:38:54,360 --> 00:38:55,440
Like that...

781
00:38:56,640 --> 00:38:58,200
And... die.

782
00:38:58,800 --> 00:39:01,680
And someone would go, 
"Ricky Gervais brought his own nuts on."

783
00:39:02,160 --> 00:39:03,360
You know, right?

784
00:39:03,440 --> 00:39:05,640
So I don't take my own nuts on.

785
00:39:05,720 --> 00:39:07,080
Now, before I fly,

786
00:39:07,160 --> 00:39:10,440
I have a shower, 
and then I rub myself all over...

787
00:39:10,520 --> 00:39:12,960
in nuts... just in case.

788
00:39:13,040 --> 00:39:15,280
Then I go, "Can I have any nuts?"

789
00:39:15,360 --> 00:39:17,520
They go, "No, sorry, this lady would die."

790
00:39:17,600 --> 00:39:19,000
"Yeah, not a problem."

791
00:39:19,080 --> 00:39:22,640
Lady gets on, sits down, 
starts blowing up like a frog...

792
00:39:24,160 --> 00:39:26,640
I go, "What's the matter?" 
I touch her all over.

793
00:39:31,800 --> 00:39:36,000
"What's the matter?"
She goes, "Nuts!" Right? And dies.

794
00:39:36,080 --> 00:39:38,440
And I go, "Who's been eating nuts?"

795
00:39:41,080 --> 00:39:42,600
I get off scot-free.

796
00:39:43,520 --> 00:39:46,160
So I got to America, 
I went on a chat show.

797
00:39:46,240 --> 00:39:48,440
Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon.

798
00:39:48,520 --> 00:39:51,440
And I told that story, the whole thing.

799
00:39:51,520 --> 00:39:54,440
It went well, audience laughed. Great. 
Went out.

800
00:39:54,520 --> 00:39:56,400
Next day on Twitter, outrage.

801
00:39:56,480 --> 00:40:00,400
By "outrage", I mean one person going,
"How dare you?"

802
00:40:00,480 --> 00:40:05,840
This woman goes, "I saw you on Jimmy 
Fallon, making fun of nut allergies.

803
00:40:05,920 --> 00:40:08,440
My daughter's nut-intolerant. 
How dare you?"

804
00:40:08,680 --> 00:40:10,240
I go, "Who is this woman?"

805
00:40:10,320 --> 00:40:14,120
She's tweeted 15 times. 
She starts @-ing NBC and Jimmy Fallon.

806
00:40:14,200 --> 00:40:16,440
I go, "What's this? 
How many followers?

807
00:40:16,520 --> 00:40:17,840
Twenty-three. Ignore it."

808
00:40:19,240 --> 00:40:23,240
You know when you're being told off,
and they use your own words against you,

809
00:40:23,320 --> 00:40:26,200
like a teacher going, 
"So, you find so and so funny?"

810
00:40:26,280 --> 00:40:28,320
And cause the teacher's really angry,

811
00:40:28,400 --> 00:40:31,200
yes, you do find that thing funny,
whatever...

812
00:40:31,280 --> 00:40:32,640
She said...

813
00:40:32,720 --> 00:40:35,800
"Would you find it funny if my daughter
blew up like a frog?"

814
00:40:38,320 --> 00:40:39,200
Yeah.

815
00:40:39,720 --> 00:40:42,000
Yeah, you saying that... Yes.

816
00:40:42,640 --> 00:40:45,800
If you said that at the funeral, 
I would, yeah...

817
00:40:46,400 --> 00:40:49,000
So, someone else gets involved.

818
00:40:49,080 --> 00:40:51,600
Ohio Moms Against Nuts, right?

819
00:40:51,680 --> 00:40:55,280
And she does a blog, 
and they're talking to each other,

820
00:40:55,360 --> 00:40:59,000
and she puts me in her blog
about how disgusting I am.

821
00:40:59,080 --> 00:41:02,920
One filmed her little girl,
put it on YouTube, and sent me it.

822
00:41:03,000 --> 00:41:05,760
I opened it. 
Sweet little girl, seven years old.

823
00:41:05,840 --> 00:41:09,800
And she went, "Dear Mr. Gervais,
I have a fatal nut allergy."

824
00:41:09,880 --> 00:41:10,720
Delete.

825
00:41:13,720 --> 00:41:15,600
Not my problem, right?

826
00:41:16,960 --> 00:41:19,600
Ignore. Ignore. Ignore. Right?

827
00:41:19,680 --> 00:41:22,760
But then one of them said something
that reeled me in.

828
00:41:22,840 --> 00:41:25,400
Just cause I'm this 
self-confessed Twitter police.

829
00:41:26,040 --> 00:41:30,000
I try and explain to someone every day
what freedom of speech means,

830
00:41:30,080 --> 00:41:32,240
particularly in the context of comedy,

831
00:41:32,320 --> 00:41:34,040
and in the context of a joke.

832
00:41:34,120 --> 00:41:37,600
A joke about a bad thing
isn't as bad as the bad thing,

833
00:41:37,680 --> 00:41:39,640
or necessarily condoning the bad thing.

834
00:41:39,720 --> 00:41:41,320
It could be anti the bad thing.

835
00:41:41,400 --> 00:41:43,440
It depends on the actual joke.

836
00:41:43,520 --> 00:41:44,840
And this woman said...

837
00:41:45,400 --> 00:41:48,000
"You should never make jokes
about food allergies."

838
00:41:50,040 --> 00:41:52,080
I should have left it, right?

839
00:41:53,880 --> 00:41:57,240
I sent back, "I make jokes 
about AIDS, cancer,

840
00:41:57,320 --> 00:41:59,240
famine, and the Holocaust.

841
00:41:59,320 --> 00:42:03,000
And you're telling me I should never
joke about food allergies?"

842
00:42:04,280 --> 00:42:07,840
She sent back, "Yes, but the Holocaust 
didn't kill children."

843
00:42:07,920 --> 00:42:08,880
Well...

844
00:42:11,400 --> 00:42:12,680
it did, didn't it?

845
00:42:14,160 --> 00:42:16,120
It was horrible, the Holocaust.

846
00:42:16,200 --> 00:42:18,560
Some would say as bad as food allergies.

847
00:42:22,320 --> 00:42:24,560
"Didn't kill children..." Jesus.

848
00:42:26,880 --> 00:42:28,120
It did kill children.

849
00:42:28,200 --> 00:42:30,960
Hitler killed 12 million people,
many of them children.

850
00:42:31,640 --> 00:42:34,480
I have to say, Hitler,
you couldn't make him up.

851
00:42:34,560 --> 00:42:37,200
The worst human being
to walk the face of the Earth.

852
00:42:37,280 --> 00:42:38,600
He is a crazy...

853
00:42:38,920 --> 00:42:39,840
evil,

854
00:42:40,240 --> 00:42:41,240
racist,

855
00:42:41,320 --> 00:42:43,640
narcissistic serial killer.

856
00:42:43,720 --> 00:42:45,120
Just terrible.

857
00:42:45,920 --> 00:42:46,800
But...

858
00:42:49,920 --> 00:42:51,760
if I was throwing a dinner party,

859
00:42:52,760 --> 00:42:54,880
and I'd been slaving over a hot stove,

860
00:42:54,960 --> 00:42:56,960
and I was getting everything ready,

861
00:42:57,040 --> 00:42:58,880
and there was one place left,

862
00:42:58,960 --> 00:43:01,560
and I had to... either invite Hitler

863
00:43:01,640 --> 00:43:03,760
or that little girl with food allergies...

864
00:43:10,240 --> 00:43:12,440
I know who'd ruin that party more.

865
00:43:13,400 --> 00:43:16,400
Everyone's enjoying it. "Everything okay?"
"Ja, ist yummy!"

866
00:43:16,480 --> 00:43:18,080
Right? He's loving it.

867
00:43:18,160 --> 00:43:21,240
I go, "Cheers, you fucker! 
How you doing, boy?"

868
00:43:22,240 --> 00:43:24,720
She's going, "I can't eat that." 
Fucking hell.

869
00:43:26,320 --> 00:43:27,680
"Who wants Ferrero Rocher?"

870
00:43:27,760 --> 00:43:28,640
"Me!"

871
00:43:28,720 --> 00:43:30,080
"All right. Here!"

872
00:43:31,080 --> 00:43:33,280
"I can't eat them." Oh, fuck off home.

873
00:43:33,360 --> 00:43:34,240
Right?

874
00:43:35,680 --> 00:43:37,400
That's what the world's like.

875
00:43:37,480 --> 00:43:40,640
People see something they don't like,
they expect it to stop,

876
00:43:40,720 --> 00:43:42,920
as opposed to deal with their emotions.

877
00:43:43,000 --> 00:43:45,880
They want us to care about their thing
as much as they do.

878
00:43:46,000 --> 00:43:47,800
It's why the world is getting worse,

879
00:43:47,880 --> 00:43:49,880
and the world is getting worse.

880
00:43:50,600 --> 00:43:53,120
I think I've lived through
the best 50 years of humanity...

881
00:43:53,920 --> 00:43:57,720
1965 to 2015, the peak of civlization,
for everything.

882
00:43:57,800 --> 00:44:01,880
For tolerances, for freedoms,
for communication, for medicine.

883
00:44:01,960 --> 00:44:03,600
Now it's going the other way a bit.

884
00:44:03,680 --> 00:44:06,600
Last couple of years,
just a little blip, maybe.

885
00:44:06,680 --> 00:44:08,520
I'm not saying this because I'm old.

886
00:44:08,640 --> 00:44:10,240
Old people say things like,

887
00:44:11,000 --> 00:44:12,800
"Oh, everything was better
when I was a kid."

888
00:44:13,280 --> 00:44:14,440
Course it was. You were a kid.

889
00:44:14,920 --> 00:44:17,000
Everything's better when you're a kid.

890
00:44:17,200 --> 00:44:18,880
Being old is the shit bit.

891
00:44:19,000 --> 00:44:21,320
Whatever's happening, being old is...

892
00:44:21,480 --> 00:44:25,440
I wake up these days, and I go, 
"Oh fuck, I didn't die."

893
00:44:27,560 --> 00:44:29,040
Gotta do it all again.

894
00:44:29,120 --> 00:44:32,000
I'm usually hung over,
headache, liver pains.

895
00:44:32,080 --> 00:44:34,040
I can't walk for the first five minutes,

896
00:44:34,120 --> 00:44:36,160
'cause I've got no joints in my knees.

897
00:44:36,760 --> 00:44:38,880
I'm getting fat again now, right?

898
00:44:38,960 --> 00:44:42,840
I was thin till I was about 28, proper 
skinny, like nine and a half stone.

899
00:44:43,320 --> 00:44:44,960
Then I got a job, right?

900
00:44:45,040 --> 00:44:48,800
And the next, sort of, 20 years
were what I call my eating years...

901
00:44:49,960 --> 00:44:52,280
And I just got steadily fatter and fatter.

902
00:44:52,360 --> 00:44:55,440
Until I reached a peak of unwellness
and blobbiness,

903
00:44:55,640 --> 00:44:57,760
when I was about 48 years old.

904
00:44:57,840 --> 00:45:00,920
There was one Christmas, I was at home,
lying on the floor...

905
00:45:01,520 --> 00:45:02,400
And...

906
00:45:03,400 --> 00:45:04,680
I was saying to Jane,

907
00:45:04,760 --> 00:45:07,080
"I'm having a heart attack." Right?

908
00:45:07,800 --> 00:45:10,920
And, honestly, my heart rate was like 130.

909
00:45:11,000 --> 00:45:14,520
I felt nauseous, I had palpitations,
I was sweating.

910
00:45:14,600 --> 00:45:16,840
Because I'd eaten eleven sausages.

911
00:45:21,280 --> 00:45:22,840
True story, right?

912
00:45:23,360 --> 00:45:25,080
I was like one of them snakes.

913
00:45:25,160 --> 00:45:27,280
Like when you see a big, like...

914
00:45:27,360 --> 00:45:30,320
python swallow a pig whole.

915
00:45:30,400 --> 00:45:31,960
And then it's just fucked.

916
00:45:32,040 --> 00:45:34,440
It's, like... it'll sit there for a week.

917
00:45:34,520 --> 00:45:36,920
It's like a duffel bag. 
Just there, like that.

918
00:45:37,400 --> 00:45:39,120
That was me, right?

919
00:45:39,200 --> 00:45:42,360
I wasn't having a heart attack,
but it worried Jane.

920
00:45:42,440 --> 00:45:46,120
She said, "You gotta look after yourself."
I thought, "You're right. 48."

921
00:45:46,520 --> 00:45:49,120
So I started working out, right, 
every day.

922
00:45:49,200 --> 00:45:50,600
I didn't give anything up.

923
00:45:50,680 --> 00:45:52,000
I don't eat meat anymore.

924
00:45:52,120 --> 00:45:54,800
But I was
having 2500, 3000 calories a day,

925
00:45:54,880 --> 00:45:56,720
including wine every night.

926
00:45:56,800 --> 00:45:58,600
But I burnt it off the next day.

927
00:45:58,680 --> 00:46:00,280
Just so I could do all that,

928
00:46:00,360 --> 00:46:03,320
I worked out every day, 
running, weight training...

929
00:46:03,400 --> 00:46:06,160
I had more time on my hands 
than the average person.

930
00:46:06,240 --> 00:46:08,760
I had a gym in my house, I had no excuse.

931
00:46:08,840 --> 00:46:10,840
I lost 20 pounds. It was great.

932
00:46:10,920 --> 00:46:13,280
But now, I still eat and drink too much,

933
00:46:13,360 --> 00:46:17,360
but I physically can't... burn off 
the calories. I can't do enough.

934
00:46:17,440 --> 00:46:19,800
Cause I'm so old and broken and tired.

935
00:46:19,880 --> 00:46:23,080
So, I'm going to get steadily
fatter and fatter again,

936
00:46:23,160 --> 00:46:25,280
and this time I am going to die.

937
00:46:27,840 --> 00:46:30,720
I'm losing my hair.
It's getting really thin.

938
00:46:30,800 --> 00:46:33,320
I know it looks great from there.
Cheers, but...

939
00:46:34,680 --> 00:46:36,680
No, honestly, in a lift,

940
00:46:36,760 --> 00:46:39,400
with that light directly overhead,

941
00:46:39,480 --> 00:46:42,560
and the mirror, it looks like an x-ray, 
right?

942
00:46:45,040 --> 00:46:48,560
I'll have to buzz that off soon.
I'd never wear a wig, oh, my god.

943
00:46:48,640 --> 00:46:52,560
If you wear a wig or a toupee, 
and you think you've got away with it...

944
00:46:53,560 --> 00:46:54,720
you haven't.

945
00:46:54,800 --> 00:46:56,280
Everyone knows.

946
00:46:56,360 --> 00:46:58,280
Everyone knows immediately.

947
00:46:58,360 --> 00:47:02,640
My brain knows a wig has come 
into the room before I do, right?

948
00:47:03,680 --> 00:47:06,480
I could be at a party,
it'll go, "There's a wig in here."

949
00:47:06,560 --> 00:47:09,120
-I go. "Is there?"
-"Yes! There is, yeah!"

950
00:47:10,320 --> 00:47:12,480
Spidey senses for the wig.

951
00:47:12,560 --> 00:47:13,400
It's obvious.

952
00:47:14,120 --> 00:47:16,480
The way they smile, 
like nothing's wrong.

953
00:47:16,560 --> 00:47:17,400
Hiya.

954
00:47:19,040 --> 00:47:21,520
It's the telltale signs, isn't it?

955
00:47:22,520 --> 00:47:25,480
I was put off wigs for life
by my Uncle Reginald.

956
00:47:25,560 --> 00:47:29,640
Great bloke. He's dead now.
Died a few years ago. I was only little.

957
00:47:29,760 --> 00:47:31,520
He went bald in his twenties.

958
00:47:31,600 --> 00:47:33,800
Tragically bald. His hair fell out.

959
00:47:33,880 --> 00:47:36,600
It might have been something like alopecia

960
00:47:36,680 --> 00:47:40,160
But he was bald for ten years
into his thirties.

961
00:47:40,240 --> 00:47:42,080
Turns up one day at our house...

962
00:47:42,160 --> 00:47:44,000
"Elvis! What is--"

963
00:47:46,640 --> 00:47:47,800
I was about eight,

964
00:47:47,880 --> 00:47:50,680
I said to Auntie Edna, "What happened?"
She went,

965
00:47:50,760 --> 00:47:53,120
"It was a miracle."

966
00:47:53,200 --> 00:47:55,080
They were lying! They were just...

967
00:47:55,160 --> 00:47:57,280
Everyone knew he was bald!

968
00:47:57,520 --> 00:48:01,200
But he'd embroiled his family in the lie,
so they had to lie as well.

969
00:48:01,320 --> 00:48:03,640
They're going, "Yeah, it just grew back."

970
00:48:03,720 --> 00:48:07,880
There's so much he wouldn't do, cause
he was terrified of the wig coming off.

971
00:48:08,800 --> 00:48:11,680
We weren't allowed balloons at parties, 
right?

972
00:48:12,400 --> 00:48:16,200
Auntie Edna said, "Reg is allergic 
to balloons." He wasn't allergic.

973
00:48:16,280 --> 00:48:19,880
He was terrified one of us kids
would rub one on our sweater,

974
00:48:20,760 --> 00:48:22,760
and his wig would fly across the room.

975
00:48:25,040 --> 00:48:27,040
We've got photos in the family album.

976
00:48:27,120 --> 00:48:30,680
If he's at a wedding or a christening,
and he's holding a baby,

977
00:48:30,760 --> 00:48:32,400
it's always at arms' length.

978
00:48:32,480 --> 00:48:34,760
Like that. So it can't grab his wig.

979
00:48:34,840 --> 00:48:38,080
It must have been on his mind 
all the time, right?

980
00:48:38,160 --> 00:48:41,520
It was the only thing he feared,
the wig coming off in public,

981
00:48:41,600 --> 00:48:43,640
and this ridiculous lie being exposed.

982
00:48:43,720 --> 00:48:45,800
He was in the Army, hard as nails.

983
00:48:45,880 --> 00:48:48,960
He wasn't scared of anyone or anything.
Spiders, snakes...

984
00:48:49,040 --> 00:48:50,200
cancer...

985
00:48:50,280 --> 00:48:51,840
How's the chemo going, Uncle?

986
00:48:51,920 --> 00:48:53,240
"Not a problem."

987
00:48:56,000 --> 00:48:58,840
We've got a photo of him, 
the last year, I think.

988
00:48:58,920 --> 00:49:02,280
He was 75. It must have been
the last year he was alive.

989
00:49:02,360 --> 00:49:04,640
It was a hot day. He was in the garden.

990
00:49:04,720 --> 00:49:06,080
In his little trunks.

991
00:49:06,160 --> 00:49:08,280
He was a wizened little man by then.

992
00:49:08,360 --> 00:49:11,240
White chest hair. Jet black wig still!

993
00:49:12,720 --> 00:49:14,360
Died in it, buried in it.

994
00:49:14,440 --> 00:49:15,800
He's wearing it now.

995
00:49:16,720 --> 00:49:19,320
A little skeleton with jet black hair.

996
00:49:21,200 --> 00:49:23,280
Like Posh Spice for eternity.

997
00:49:26,000 --> 00:49:27,680
But I knew that was gonna happen.

998
00:49:28,160 --> 00:49:30,400
I knew I would get old and fat and...

999
00:49:30,480 --> 00:49:32,840
ill and blind and deaf and...

1000
00:49:33,400 --> 00:49:36,720
shit myself and be pushed round
in a fucking bucket.

1001
00:49:38,400 --> 00:49:42,120
You're ready, because you're warned.
You know about getting old.

1002
00:49:42,200 --> 00:49:45,120
What they don't talk about,
so you're not prepared,

1003
00:49:45,200 --> 00:49:47,000
and it was a shock to me...

1004
00:49:47,080 --> 00:49:50,080
I only found out recently, 
I'll share it with you now.

1005
00:49:50,960 --> 00:49:52,520
The distending testicles.

1006
00:49:53,400 --> 00:49:55,400
See, you don't know about it.

1007
00:49:55,480 --> 00:49:57,480
But it happens in your fifties.

1008
00:49:57,560 --> 00:49:59,920
I wasn't checking them or anything...

1009
00:50:00,000 --> 00:50:01,720
I didn't see 'em for 20 years.

1010
00:50:03,400 --> 00:50:05,000
As a young man, they were pert,

1011
00:50:05,080 --> 00:50:07,200
and now they're like two plums in a sock.

1012
00:50:07,960 --> 00:50:09,720
I don't know when it happened,

1013
00:50:09,800 --> 00:50:11,960
but it was recently. They just...

1014
00:50:12,040 --> 00:50:14,000
And this is how I found out.

1015
00:50:14,080 --> 00:50:16,080
So, as I've been getting older,

1016
00:50:16,160 --> 00:50:18,600
and they've been secretly 
stretching away...

1017
00:50:19,200 --> 00:50:21,440
as I've got older, I've got richer,

1018
00:50:21,520 --> 00:50:24,240
so my baths have been getting
more luxurious.

1019
00:50:25,720 --> 00:50:28,440
Last year, I moved into a new house
in Hampstead.

1020
00:50:28,880 --> 00:50:30,480
Big bath. Big sunken bath.

1021
00:50:31,120 --> 00:50:32,320
South-facing windows.

1022
00:50:32,400 --> 00:50:35,120
I was in there the first night. 
Lovely bath.

1023
00:50:35,200 --> 00:50:38,360
Sun streaming in, classical music,
this is the life.

1024
00:50:38,440 --> 00:50:39,400
I looked down.

1025
00:50:40,200 --> 00:50:41,480
And they're floating.

1026
00:50:42,080 --> 00:50:42,920
Right?

1027
00:50:44,440 --> 00:50:48,000
Now, I'd never dreamt 
that testicles would float.

1028
00:50:48,320 --> 00:50:50,040
They seem like they'd be heavy.

1029
00:50:50,600 --> 00:50:53,840
You could tie things down with them,
and they'd sink. You know?

1030
00:50:54,520 --> 00:50:56,320
Most people never see their...

1031
00:50:56,400 --> 00:50:59,480
In the sea, you're in trunks,
in the shower, they dangle,

1032
00:50:59,560 --> 00:51:01,320
and baths aren't usually that deep!

1033
00:51:02,000 --> 00:51:04,280
That was my first thought. "Oh, my god,

1034
00:51:04,360 --> 00:51:06,680
I never thought testicles would float."

1035
00:51:07,680 --> 00:51:09,760
Then my second thought kicked in.

1036
00:51:09,840 --> 00:51:11,960
"Hold on, this bath's two feet deep!"

1037
00:51:12,040 --> 00:51:12,880
Right?

1038
00:51:14,000 --> 00:51:16,440
I'm sitting on the bottom, they're on top.

1039
00:51:16,520 --> 00:51:17,560
What's going on?

1040
00:51:18,120 --> 00:51:18,960
Right?

1041
00:51:19,040 --> 00:51:19,880
And...

1042
00:51:20,680 --> 00:51:21,520
I looked,

1043
00:51:21,640 --> 00:51:24,800
and my testicles are now longer 
than my penis.

1044
00:51:25,880 --> 00:51:29,200
Easily, by some way, right?

1045
00:51:29,280 --> 00:51:31,040
In fact, they'd created,

1046
00:51:31,120 --> 00:51:34,520
a little, fleshy sort of life raft, right?

1047
00:51:35,360 --> 00:51:38,760
My penis was dry, just nestled, just...

1048
00:51:38,840 --> 00:51:39,960
floating on top.

1049
00:51:40,040 --> 00:51:41,520
Like that. Like that.

1050
00:51:41,600 --> 00:51:43,320
Just bouncing around.

1051
00:51:44,680 --> 00:51:47,120
I should have given it a little whistle.

1052
00:51:51,400 --> 00:51:53,400
I'm just thinking, "This is bizarre."

1053
00:51:53,480 --> 00:51:54,720
Fucking hell, right?

1054
00:51:54,920 --> 00:51:56,040
And...

1055
00:51:56,120 --> 00:51:57,760
I thought, "Maybe it's a fluke."

1056
00:51:57,840 --> 00:52:01,040
So I held them under the water 
for a minute,

1057
00:52:01,120 --> 00:52:03,120
I let them go and they bobbed up!

1058
00:52:03,200 --> 00:52:06,600
They're really... 
They're really buoyant, right?

1059
00:52:06,680 --> 00:52:09,680
Try it when you get home, 
if you're in your 50s.

1060
00:52:09,760 --> 00:52:11,440
And a man, obviously.

1061
00:52:12,880 --> 00:52:14,160
Or Caitlyn Jenner.

1062
00:52:16,840 --> 00:52:17,680
But...

1063
00:52:21,640 --> 00:52:23,560
But the world is getting worse.

1064
00:52:24,160 --> 00:52:27,920
And I blame the beginning of its demise
on social media.

1065
00:52:28,840 --> 00:52:33,520
Because Twitter and Facebook,
that's where this ridiculous notion bred,

1066
00:52:33,600 --> 00:52:35,320
and became stable,

1067
00:52:35,400 --> 00:52:38,720
that it was more important to be popular 
than right.

1068
00:52:38,800 --> 00:52:42,680
Everything was "like me", "agree with me".
It falls into two tribes.

1069
00:52:42,760 --> 00:52:45,160
"I don't agree with them, 
so I block them."

1070
00:52:45,240 --> 00:52:47,080
And now, in this post-truth era,

1071
00:52:47,160 --> 00:52:49,480
people don't care about the argument,

1072
00:52:49,560 --> 00:52:52,080
they say, "Who's saying the argument?

1073
00:52:52,160 --> 00:52:53,840
No, they're not on our side."

1074
00:52:53,920 --> 00:52:55,520
It's ludicrous, okay?

1075
00:52:55,880 --> 00:52:59,280
And it also bred this ridiculous notion
we've always had.

1076
00:52:59,360 --> 00:53:01,880
My opinion is worth as much as yours.

1077
00:53:01,960 --> 00:53:04,800
Now, it's my opinion is worth
as much as your fact,

1078
00:53:04,880 --> 00:53:06,040
which is nonsense.

1079
00:53:06,120 --> 00:53:07,800
I get tweets from people saying,

1080
00:53:08,360 --> 00:53:10,560
"I believe the Earth is 6,000 years old."

1081
00:53:10,960 --> 00:53:12,840
"I believe you're a fucking idiot."

1082
00:53:13,640 --> 00:53:16,200
You can't have an opinion 
on the age of the Earth.

1083
00:53:16,280 --> 00:53:18,840
You can have opinions, 
but not your own facts.

1084
00:53:19,160 --> 00:53:22,040
But it was all about being popular, right?

1085
00:53:22,120 --> 00:53:24,880
And even politicians 
picked up those symptoms.

1086
00:53:24,960 --> 00:53:27,280
Politicians tweet now,
they want to be popular.

1087
00:53:27,360 --> 00:53:30,080
We had a Brexit referendum
cause they passed the buck.

1088
00:53:30,160 --> 00:53:32,280
They didn't want to make a mistake.

1089
00:53:32,360 --> 00:53:34,160
And there's a ridiculous thing of,

1090
00:53:34,240 --> 00:53:36,920
"Let's ask the average person 
what they think."

1091
00:53:37,000 --> 00:53:40,240
Let's stop asking the average person 
what they...

1092
00:53:40,320 --> 00:53:43,080
Do you know how fucking stupid
the average person is?

1093
00:53:50,080 --> 00:53:52,600
We still sell bottles of bleach

1094
00:53:52,680 --> 00:53:54,320
with big labels on

1095
00:53:54,400 --> 00:53:56,520
that say "Do not drink".

1096
00:53:56,600 --> 00:53:57,440
Right?

1097
00:53:57,520 --> 00:54:00,080
Let's take those labels off, right?

1098
00:54:00,680 --> 00:54:02,120
For two years.

1099
00:54:02,800 --> 00:54:04,360
And then have a referendum.

1100
00:54:13,040 --> 00:54:16,200
But it's not just politicians. 
Even real news.

1101
00:54:16,280 --> 00:54:18,360
The news on TV says things like,

1102
00:54:18,440 --> 00:54:19,720
"Tweet us your news."

1103
00:54:19,800 --> 00:54:21,720
Don't let them tweet you the news!

1104
00:54:21,800 --> 00:54:24,840
-"I saw a Tyrannosaurus rex." 
-You liar! Right?

1105
00:54:26,680 --> 00:54:28,560
There was a big news story last year,

1106
00:54:28,640 --> 00:54:32,000
about a train crash that happened 
a year before,

1107
00:54:32,080 --> 00:54:33,480
and there was an inquiry.

1108
00:54:33,560 --> 00:54:35,960
The results of the inquiry were published

1109
00:54:36,040 --> 00:54:38,480
and there was an expert on the news.

1110
00:54:38,560 --> 00:54:41,040
He said, "We've looked at everything,

1111
00:54:41,120 --> 00:54:43,840
and we've decided that the speed 
of the trains

1112
00:54:43,920 --> 00:54:45,480
was a contributing factor,

1113
00:54:45,560 --> 00:54:47,960
so we're going to slow them down a bit.

1114
00:54:48,040 --> 00:54:50,560
Statistically,
this shouldn't happen again."

1115
00:54:50,640 --> 00:54:51,840
That would have been it.

1116
00:54:51,920 --> 00:54:54,960
But the guy went, "We asked the public 
what they thought."

1117
00:54:56,560 --> 00:54:58,720
Then there was three banal vox pops.

1118
00:54:58,800 --> 00:55:02,080
First one said, 
"I already pay £960 a year,

1119
00:55:02,160 --> 00:55:03,760
so I'm not happy."

1120
00:55:03,840 --> 00:55:06,920
The next one said, "It takes me 45 minutes
each way,

1121
00:55:07,000 --> 00:55:08,320
it's not good enough."

1122
00:55:08,400 --> 00:55:09,880
The last one said,

1123
00:55:09,960 --> 00:55:13,320
"I say it's better to arrive at work late 
than dead."

1124
00:55:16,080 --> 00:55:18,000
Why is that on the news?

1125
00:55:18,080 --> 00:55:20,840
And when is that applicable 
in any situation?

1126
00:55:22,040 --> 00:55:23,960
All right, Ted? You're in early.

1127
00:55:24,680 --> 00:55:25,520
Ted?

1128
00:55:29,080 --> 00:55:30,680
Oh, Ted!

1129
00:55:32,520 --> 00:55:33,960
We've been through this.

1130
00:55:34,040 --> 00:55:36,720
Remember I said I'd rather you arrive late
than dead?

1131
00:55:41,200 --> 00:55:42,760
But... the big enemy

1132
00:55:43,360 --> 00:55:45,000
is stupidity... right?

1133
00:55:45,440 --> 00:55:48,040
I wanna share with you 
the most stupid tweet I ever got.

1134
00:55:48,920 --> 00:55:51,520
Now, admittedly, when I first got 
on Twitter,

1135
00:55:51,600 --> 00:55:54,040
I pushed my agenda.
I was an outspoken atheist.

1136
00:55:54,120 --> 00:55:56,960
Not to change anyone's opinions.

1137
00:55:57,200 --> 00:55:59,920
I thought it was important
to tell the other side.

1138
00:56:00,240 --> 00:56:02,560
There are still 13 countries where people

1139
00:56:02,640 --> 00:56:04,960
are put to death for being an atheist.

1140
00:56:05,200 --> 00:56:08,400
I just wanted to say,
"It's fine to be an atheist.

1141
00:56:08,480 --> 00:56:11,280
It's fine to believe in God,
and it's fine not to."

1142
00:56:11,360 --> 00:56:13,360
That's all I was saying.

1143
00:56:13,440 --> 00:56:15,280
I realized I didn't have to tweet

1144
00:56:15,360 --> 00:56:17,040
about religion or atheism.

1145
00:56:17,120 --> 00:56:18,080
I could tweet a fact,

1146
00:56:18,160 --> 00:56:20,360
and that annoyed
just the right people.

1147
00:56:22,360 --> 00:56:24,680
I'd tweet things like "Happy birthday,
Earth.

1148
00:56:24,760 --> 00:56:26,800
Four point six billion years old today."

1149
00:56:26,920 --> 00:56:28,320
Someone would always go,

1150
00:56:28,400 --> 00:56:30,400
"We know what you're fucking doing."

1151
00:56:36,240 --> 00:56:38,640
This is a tweet I got after one of those.

1152
00:56:39,440 --> 00:56:41,720
And... it was all in capitals,

1153
00:56:41,800 --> 00:56:42,920
which excited me...

1154
00:56:44,720 --> 00:56:46,800
That's the sign of Twitter madness.

1155
00:56:46,880 --> 00:56:49,280
Mixed with anger. It's great, right?

1156
00:56:49,360 --> 00:56:50,680
I looked at his profile.

1157
00:56:50,760 --> 00:56:52,920
Sure enough, he's a gentleman from Texas.

1158
00:56:53,000 --> 00:56:56,200
He's a fundamentalist, 
creationist Christian.

1159
00:56:56,280 --> 00:56:57,200
Which is fine!

1160
00:56:57,280 --> 00:56:59,640
He loves God. He loves God and...

1161
00:56:59,720 --> 00:57:01,440
fetuses, mainly.

1162
00:57:02,400 --> 00:57:04,280
He loves the fetus from conception

1163
00:57:04,360 --> 00:57:06,840
to when it turns out gay, and then he's...

1164
00:57:16,680 --> 00:57:19,240
Remember it's in capitals. 
He's shouting at me.

1165
00:57:20,040 --> 00:57:21,160
Best tweet ever.

1166
00:57:22,160 --> 00:57:23,480
"YOUR SCIENCE--"

1167
00:57:23,560 --> 00:57:25,200
My science, right?

1168
00:57:25,280 --> 00:57:29,800
Science, by the way, is spelled
S-C-I-E-N-T-S.

1169
00:57:30,840 --> 00:57:32,720
Already good, isn't it? I mean...

1170
00:57:33,440 --> 00:57:36,480
He's obviously heard the word,
he took a guess...

1171
00:57:38,320 --> 00:57:42,640
Never seen it written down,
because it's not in the Bible. So he's...

1172
00:57:46,760 --> 00:57:48,320
"YOUR SCIENTS WON'T HELP YOU...

1173
00:57:48,400 --> 00:57:49,720
Well, it will.

1174
00:57:51,240 --> 00:57:52,520
It's helping him...

1175
00:57:52,600 --> 00:57:55,680
beam this little message 
up to a satellite and down to me.

1176
00:58:00,200 --> 00:58:02,960
"YOUR SCIENTS WON'T HELP YOU
WHEN SATAN..."

1177
00:58:03,440 --> 00:58:05,680
Of course he believes in Satan. Why not?

1178
00:58:05,760 --> 00:58:08,760
He believes that God made the universe
in six days.

1179
00:58:08,840 --> 00:58:11,600
You're not gonna say to him,
"Do you believe in Satan?"

1180
00:58:11,680 --> 00:58:13,520
And have him say, "Bit far-fetched."

1181
00:58:18,280 --> 00:58:20,360
Why doesn't God kill Satan?

1182
00:58:21,920 --> 00:58:23,800
That's... what I'd ask him.

1183
00:58:23,880 --> 00:58:25,360
If I was wrong and I met God,

1184
00:58:25,440 --> 00:58:27,000
I'd go, "Oh, you do exist."

1185
00:58:27,080 --> 00:58:28,000
He'd go, "Yeah."

1186
00:58:28,080 --> 00:58:30,560
I'd go, "I've got 
a few fucking questions, mate.

1187
00:58:33,120 --> 00:58:34,520
The first one would be,

1188
00:58:34,600 --> 00:58:36,960
"Why did you make chocolate kill dogs?"

1189
00:58:41,160 --> 00:58:42,600
Mental, right?

1190
00:58:45,040 --> 00:58:48,560
Also, if you hate homosexuality so much,

1191
00:58:48,640 --> 00:58:51,760
why did you put the male G-spot
up the arse?

1192
00:58:51,840 --> 00:58:52,680
What...

1193
00:58:56,000 --> 00:58:57,960
What is wrong with you?

1194
00:58:59,240 --> 00:59:00,080
Then I'd say,

1195
00:59:00,160 --> 00:59:02,240
"Why don't you kill Satan?"

1196
00:59:02,320 --> 00:59:03,760
And he'd go, "What?"

1197
00:59:03,840 --> 00:59:06,400
I'd go, "Why don't you kill Satan?

1198
00:59:06,480 --> 00:59:07,960
If he does all the bad stuff

1199
00:59:08,040 --> 00:59:10,920
and you do all the good stuff, 
which you want...

1200
00:59:11,000 --> 00:59:12,320
I mean, you do want--"

1201
00:59:12,400 --> 00:59:13,280
"Yes, yeah."

1202
00:59:13,360 --> 00:59:16,800
"You could kill him if you wanted,
you can do anything, easy."

1203
00:59:16,880 --> 00:59:17,720
"Yeah."

1204
00:59:17,800 --> 00:59:19,640
"Why don't you kill him, then?"

1205
00:59:20,200 --> 00:59:21,120
"Because...

1206
00:59:22,040 --> 00:59:23,000
Shut up."

1207
00:59:29,320 --> 00:59:31,040
"YOUR SCIENTS WON'T HELP YOU

1208
00:59:31,120 --> 00:59:34,600
WHEN SATAN IS RAPING
YOUR BRITISH ASS."

1209
00:59:43,640 --> 00:59:45,200
And he's got a point.

1210
00:59:47,800 --> 00:59:49,480
Because if I die,

1211
00:59:49,560 --> 00:59:51,520
and I find myself in Hell,

1212
00:59:51,600 --> 00:59:53,400
being raped by Satan...

1213
00:59:54,040 --> 00:59:56,520
Science has pretty much let me down.

1214
01:00:02,160 --> 01:00:05,240
But it's this last line 
that he just throws away.

1215
01:00:05,320 --> 01:00:06,760
The line he signs off with,

1216
01:00:06,840 --> 01:00:09,160
makes this the best tweet 
I've ever received.

1217
01:00:09,240 --> 01:00:13,600
"YOUR SCIENTS WON'T HELP YOU WHEN
SATAN IS RAPING YOUR BRITISH ASS.

1218
01:00:13,680 --> 01:00:14,880
I'LL BE LAUGHING."

1219
01:00:15,360 --> 01:00:18,640
So... he's there too! He's...

1220
01:00:23,280 --> 01:00:26,120
So, he's a fundamentalist... Christian,

1221
01:00:26,200 --> 01:00:28,840
who's lived his life 
by the Old and New Testaments.

1222
01:00:28,920 --> 01:00:31,520
He dies, he wakes up in Hell, right?

1223
01:00:31,600 --> 01:00:34,080
Which must be off the charts

1224
01:00:34,160 --> 01:00:37,680
on the scale of emotional trauma...

1225
01:00:37,760 --> 01:00:39,160
"Oh, my God, I'm in Hell!

1226
01:00:39,240 --> 01:00:41,360
Oh, my God,
why have you forsaken me?

1227
01:00:41,440 --> 01:00:44,240
I'm gonna be tortured for eternity!"

1228
01:00:44,320 --> 01:00:47,000
He sees me getting raped
and goes, "Ha, ha, ha!"

1229
01:00:50,400 --> 01:00:52,160
He's suddenly over it, is he?

1230
01:00:52,240 --> 01:00:55,320
His day's suddenly got 
a little bit brighter.

1231
01:00:56,760 --> 01:00:59,040
And like he's not next, right?

1232
01:00:59,120 --> 01:01:03,360
So I'm getting raped,
right, by the Devil, right?

1233
01:01:04,160 --> 01:01:07,200
He's just there. 
"You fucking atheist scum."

1234
01:01:07,800 --> 01:01:09,560
And I'm like that. "Yeah, whatever."

1235
01:01:09,640 --> 01:01:12,920
I assume it happens all eternity.
"Yeah, yeah, whatever."

1236
01:01:13,520 --> 01:01:14,400
Like that.

1237
01:01:14,480 --> 01:01:17,120
I might say, "Watch your hooves
on my testicles."

1238
01:01:21,040 --> 01:01:23,560
And he'd go, "Why are they so distended?"

1239
01:01:23,640 --> 01:01:26,640
And I go, "Oh, like you're Brad Pitt!"

1240
01:01:26,720 --> 01:01:28,160
You know what I mean?

1241
01:01:28,240 --> 01:01:30,280
Sorry, are we talking or raping?

1242
01:01:30,360 --> 01:01:31,200
Can we...

1243
01:01:35,680 --> 01:01:38,600
"You lying, fucking atheist."
He's probably bored.

1244
01:01:38,680 --> 01:01:41,760
"Fucking atheists. Every fucking day."
Right?

1245
01:01:41,840 --> 01:01:44,360
His little gargoyle comes up. "Satan?"

1246
01:01:44,440 --> 01:01:46,400
He goes, "What?" And I go, "Yeah? What?"

1247
01:01:47,040 --> 01:01:49,440
He goes, 
"There's a fundamentalist Christian."

1248
01:01:49,520 --> 01:01:52,360
"Fuck this!" 
He'd be on him like a ton of bricks!

1249
01:01:54,280 --> 01:01:56,680
So... I got that tweet.

1250
01:01:56,760 --> 01:01:59,800
I loved it. All I did was re-tweet, right?

1251
01:02:00,880 --> 01:02:05,960
And just watch the fun, people piling on,
going, "Ah, loser!"

1252
01:02:06,040 --> 01:02:08,480
And he's fighting back, really witlessly,

1253
01:02:08,560 --> 01:02:11,800
saying things like, "Go fuck your sister,
you English faggot!"

1254
01:02:16,200 --> 01:02:18,680
That makes no sense at all.

1255
01:02:21,120 --> 01:02:23,600
I forgot about it. 
Went and did something else.

1256
01:02:23,680 --> 01:02:25,760
Few hours later, on Twitter again.

1257
01:02:25,840 --> 01:02:27,800
It's still all going off, right?

1258
01:02:27,880 --> 01:02:31,000
It's really funny, 
I'm laughing at all the replies.

1259
01:02:31,080 --> 01:02:34,080
People saying things to him. 
I'm scrolling down.

1260
01:02:34,160 --> 01:02:37,760
There's one tweet, directly to me,
from this woman. She says,

1261
01:02:37,840 --> 01:02:39,480
"You find rape funny?"

1262
01:02:39,560 --> 01:02:41,280
No! No! What?

1263
01:02:41,360 --> 01:02:42,200
No...

1264
01:02:42,280 --> 01:02:44,000
"Your mates find rape funny?"

1265
01:02:44,080 --> 01:02:45,000
No! Listen, right?

1266
01:02:45,080 --> 01:02:46,400
"You find rape funny?"

1267
01:02:46,480 --> 01:02:48,840
Listen, everyone! Listen, right? No...

1268
01:02:48,920 --> 01:02:51,600
I said to her,
"I didn't tweet that."

1269
01:02:52,000 --> 01:02:54,800
-She went, "You retweeted it."
-To show he's an idiot.

1270
01:02:54,880 --> 01:02:57,600
"But you must find it funny or amusing.

1271
01:02:57,680 --> 01:02:59,360
It's not a frivolous thing."

1272
01:02:59,440 --> 01:03:03,880
I said, "No, well, it's up to him, 
isn't it? He can do it."

1273
01:03:03,960 --> 01:03:06,720
Now I'm arguing
with quite a nice, sane person,

1274
01:03:06,800 --> 01:03:08,360
who thinks this is mental.

1275
01:03:08,600 --> 01:03:10,640
But I'm fighting for his right...

1276
01:03:12,880 --> 01:03:16,360
to fantasize about me being
raped by the Devil.

1277
01:03:17,800 --> 01:03:20,240
Because I'm so conscious 
of "freedom of speech"...

1278
01:03:20,320 --> 01:03:22,880
What a topsy-turvy world, right?

1279
01:03:22,960 --> 01:03:26,240
Although her opening gambit 
annoyed me a bit.

1280
01:03:26,320 --> 01:03:28,680
Because she did that thing that people do.

1281
01:03:28,760 --> 01:03:32,120
She didn't say, "What, you find jokes
about rape funny?"

1282
01:03:32,200 --> 01:03:34,440
She said, "What, you find rape funny?"

1283
01:03:35,000 --> 01:03:38,840
The answer to that is, no, of course not.
No one finds rape funny.

1284
01:03:38,920 --> 01:03:42,240
Not even rapists find rape funny,
know what I mean?

1285
01:03:42,320 --> 01:03:46,320
Noone ever gives evidence saying,
"It was dark, he wore a ski mask,

1286
01:03:46,400 --> 01:03:47,520
and he was giggling."

1287
01:03:47,600 --> 01:03:48,560
That's never...

1288
01:03:54,360 --> 01:03:56,520
So... I sent back,

1289
01:03:56,920 --> 01:03:59,560
"You mean jokes about rape?"
She said, "Yes."

1290
01:03:59,640 --> 01:04:03,240
-I went, "Depends on the joke."
"-It fucking doesn't!"

1291
01:04:03,320 --> 01:04:06,280
I'm going, "No, it does! It does! 
It depends on the joke.

1292
01:04:07,520 --> 01:04:09,480
It's about context, it's about content.

1293
01:04:10,120 --> 01:04:11,640
What do you mean by a rape joke?"

1294
01:04:11,720 --> 01:04:15,200
She said, "Even a joke with 
the word 'rape' in it is unacceptable."

1295
01:04:15,280 --> 01:04:18,720
I said, "That's ridiculous,
it depends what the joke is."

1296
01:04:18,800 --> 01:04:21,840
I tweeted that clip of me 
in The Office, going,

1297
01:04:21,920 --> 01:04:24,840
"I think there's been a rape up there!"

1298
01:04:29,680 --> 01:04:32,520
Everyone gets that because of the context.

1299
01:04:32,600 --> 01:04:34,720
And the target is a middle-aged man,

1300
01:04:34,800 --> 01:04:38,400
who's so narcissistic, 
he'll say anything to win a silly game.

1301
01:04:38,480 --> 01:04:41,880
You have to understand the joke
and where it comes from.

1302
01:04:41,960 --> 01:04:44,360
I said, "Some jokes don't
punch up or down.

1303
01:04:44,440 --> 01:04:45,880
They don't punch anywhere.

1304
01:04:45,960 --> 01:04:49,920
They can just be a pun, a play on words,
that don't really mean anything."

1305
01:04:50,600 --> 01:04:53,840
A joke went round when I was a kid,
even adults told it.

1306
01:04:53,920 --> 01:04:55,040
I'll tell you.

1307
01:04:55,120 --> 01:04:57,760
A woman goes running 
into a police station.

1308
01:04:57,840 --> 01:04:59,720
She says, "Help, I've been graped!"

1309
01:04:59,800 --> 01:05:02,160
The policeman says, "Do you mean raped?"

1310
01:05:02,240 --> 01:05:04,040
She says, "No, there was a bunch of them."

1311
01:05:12,240 --> 01:05:13,840
That is a rape joke, right?

1312
01:05:14,560 --> 01:05:15,400
So....

1313
01:05:15,480 --> 01:05:18,960
And I even said to her, 
"No, I agree, in most cases, yeah.

1314
01:05:19,040 --> 01:05:23,400
Real rape jokes, they are fucking horrible
when the victim is the target.

1315
01:05:23,480 --> 01:05:25,480
Disgusting! I'd never tell those.

1316
01:05:25,560 --> 01:05:29,160
But it depends on the joke,
not the word or the subject."

1317
01:05:29,240 --> 01:05:32,800
I calmed it down, and they agreed
some jokes are worse than others.

1318
01:05:33,520 --> 01:05:34,840
She ended it by saying,

1319
01:05:34,920 --> 01:05:38,600
"Well, okay, I see your point, 
but... still...

1320
01:05:38,680 --> 01:05:42,240
I will laugh at a joke 
with the word 'rape' in it,

1321
01:05:42,320 --> 01:05:44,760
when no-one in the audience
has been raped."

1322
01:05:45,760 --> 01:05:47,480
I should have left it.

1323
01:05:49,200 --> 01:05:51,920
I just sent back,

1324
01:05:59,680 --> 01:06:01,120
"What a weird door policy."

1325
01:06:02,800 --> 01:06:05,160
You turn up to a comedy gig, 
pay your money,

1326
01:06:05,560 --> 01:06:07,760
someone says, "Can I just
ask you a question?"

1327
01:06:07,840 --> 01:06:08,680
Yeah.

1328
01:06:09,400 --> 01:06:10,760
Have you ever been raped?

1329
01:06:10,840 --> 01:06:11,800
I have, yes.

1330
01:06:11,880 --> 01:06:13,080
You can't come in.

1331
01:06:14,400 --> 01:06:15,280
What? Why?

1332
01:06:15,360 --> 01:06:17,640
A lady says she won't laugh
if you're in.

1333
01:06:17,720 --> 01:06:18,560
Off you go.

1334
01:06:20,320 --> 01:06:23,920
That's what the world is like.
People take everything personally.

1335
01:06:25,000 --> 01:06:27,600
They think the world revolves around them,
particularly on Twitter.

1336
01:06:27,680 --> 01:06:30,080
I'm not tweeting anyone,
I'm just tweeting.

1337
01:06:30,160 --> 01:06:34,160
I don't know who's following me.
I've got 12 million followers.

1338
01:06:34,240 --> 01:06:36,440
They can be following me
without me knowing,

1339
01:06:36,960 --> 01:06:40,560
choose to read my tweet,
and then take that personally.

1340
01:06:40,640 --> 01:06:42,760
That's like going into a town square,

1341
01:06:42,840 --> 01:06:44,680
seeing a big noticeboard saying

1342
01:06:44,760 --> 01:06:46,680
"Guitar lessons", and you go,

1343
01:06:46,760 --> 01:06:49,520
"But I don't fucking want guitar lessons!"

1344
01:06:59,600 --> 01:07:00,520
What's this?

1345
01:07:01,560 --> 01:07:04,200
There's a number here. Right, call that.

1346
01:07:05,200 --> 01:07:07,080
Are you giving guitar lessons?

1347
01:07:07,160 --> 01:07:08,720
I don't fucking want any!

1348
01:07:10,480 --> 01:07:13,720
Fine! It's not for you, then. 
Just walk away.

1349
01:07:14,400 --> 01:07:15,640
Don't worry about it.

1350
01:07:17,840 --> 01:07:20,120
I should say one thing 
in Twitter's defense.

1351
01:07:20,200 --> 01:07:24,440
I use it as a marketing tool and for fun,
like everyone else.

1352
01:07:24,520 --> 01:07:28,360
But one great thing about Twitter,
for me, personally,

1353
01:07:28,800 --> 01:07:30,640
I'm very into anti-animal cruelty.

1354
01:07:30,720 --> 01:07:35,920
Years ago, it would take ages
to get 100,000 signatures on a petition.

1355
01:07:36,000 --> 01:07:38,080
Standing outside Tesco's or something.

1356
01:07:38,160 --> 01:07:41,960
That's the magic number,
because then it gets heard in Parliament.

1357
01:07:42,040 --> 01:07:45,440
I've been part of many campaigns 
through Twitter

1358
01:07:45,520 --> 01:07:49,440
when we've got 100,000 signatures in days,
and the law has been changed.

1359
01:07:49,880 --> 01:07:52,760
Thank you to those who've retweeted
about animal cruelty.

1360
01:07:52,840 --> 01:07:54,000
It makes a difference.

1361
01:07:54,440 --> 01:07:55,280
Thank you.

1362
01:08:01,200 --> 01:08:05,200
But even something as clear and distinct
as animal cruelty,

1363
01:08:05,280 --> 01:08:07,360
You think no one's gonna argue with that.

1364
01:08:07,840 --> 01:08:10,240
Yes, they will.

1365
01:08:10,320 --> 01:08:12,120
They just wanna be heard.

1366
01:08:12,200 --> 01:08:15,040
I'll tweet something about 
a bull being tortured

1367
01:08:15,120 --> 01:08:17,040
in a bullring for entertainment.

1368
01:08:17,120 --> 01:08:18,560
I say, "Ban bullfighting."

1369
01:08:18,640 --> 01:08:21,520
Someone always says,
"What about the kids in Syria?"

1370
01:08:21,600 --> 01:08:22,520
What?

1371
01:08:25,480 --> 01:08:27,480
Well, I'm not giving you a choice.

1372
01:08:29,680 --> 01:08:32,080
You can do both. I'm not saying,

1373
01:08:32,160 --> 01:08:34,920
"Throw that kid back in the hole,
there's a bull here!"

1374
01:08:38,000 --> 01:08:41,240
And there's one thing that I didn't want
in my head,

1375
01:08:41,320 --> 01:08:45,400
but it exists, so we have to deal with it
now that I found out, through Twitter.

1376
01:08:45,480 --> 01:08:48,280
There's a thing called 
the Yulin Dog Meat Festival,

1377
01:08:48,360 --> 01:08:49,640
in China, every year.

1378
01:08:49,720 --> 01:08:50,800
And it's horrendous.

1379
01:08:50,880 --> 01:08:54,360
And we send people with money
to buy the dogs,

1380
01:08:54,440 --> 01:08:56,200
to bring them back.

1381
01:08:56,320 --> 01:08:59,320
It's a drop in the ocean.
They eat thousands over this weekend.

1382
01:09:00,400 --> 01:09:02,320
I tweet the details,

1383
01:09:02,400 --> 01:09:04,920
the petition, people don't really read it.

1384
01:09:05,000 --> 01:09:07,880
It's a knee-jerk. People say, "Racist!"

1385
01:09:07,960 --> 01:09:08,840
I go, "What?"

1386
01:09:08,920 --> 01:09:11,760
They go, 
"We eat pigs and cows in the West."

1387
01:09:11,840 --> 01:09:14,280
Yep, we do. I don't but, yeah, I used to.

1388
01:09:14,360 --> 01:09:16,560
You're right, a pig or a cow

1389
01:09:16,640 --> 01:09:18,320
is worth as much as a dog.

1390
01:09:18,400 --> 01:09:21,560
It's not about the species.
It's what they do to these poor dogs.

1391
01:09:21,680 --> 01:09:24,760
What they do is torture the dogs first.

1392
01:09:24,840 --> 01:09:26,920
'Cause they think 
it makes the meat taste better.

1393
01:09:27,240 --> 01:09:29,640
They beat them, they blowtorch them.

1394
01:09:29,720 --> 01:09:31,400
They even skin them alive.

1395
01:09:31,480 --> 01:09:33,120
And I saw this picture...

1396
01:09:33,200 --> 01:09:35,760
on Twitter
of the opening of this ceremony.

1397
01:09:36,840 --> 01:09:40,040
These two guys, in this Chinese square,
and they're skinning this dog alive.

1398
01:09:40,120 --> 01:09:43,640
It's screaming, they're laughing.
It's the worst thing I've ever seen.

1399
01:09:43,760 --> 01:09:46,120
I thought, "I've got to tweet that."

1400
01:09:46,200 --> 01:09:49,560
I tweeted the picture, with a petition,
and I just said,

1401
01:09:49,640 --> 01:09:53,800
"One beautiful creature,
and two ugly cunts, skinning it alive."

1402
01:09:53,880 --> 01:09:55,480
Right? And it took off.

1403
01:09:55,560 --> 01:09:57,400
Loads of retweets, it made the press.

1404
01:09:57,840 --> 01:10:00,840
I got one tweet back,
from a woman, that said,

1405
01:10:00,920 --> 01:10:02,480
"Is that language necessary?"

1406
01:10:09,160 --> 01:10:11,040
I should have left it, right?

1407
01:10:12,720 --> 01:10:15,120
But I was... I was incensed! I said,

1408
01:10:15,200 --> 01:10:18,400
"You're more offended by a word

1409
01:10:18,480 --> 01:10:20,840
than by an animal being 
tortured to death?"

1410
01:10:21,040 --> 01:10:23,520
She said, "I just hate the C-word."

1411
01:10:24,640 --> 01:10:26,280
I definitely should have left it.

1412
01:10:27,760 --> 01:10:31,400
I sent back, "People who hate the C-word
would hear it a lot less,

1413
01:10:31,480 --> 01:10:33,880
if they didn't go round
acting like such cunts."

1414
01:10:34,280 --> 01:10:35,160
Thank you!

1415
01:10:35,240 --> 01:10:37,440
You've been fantastic! Good night!

1416
01:10:59,200 --> 01:11:01,600
Cheers! Thank you so much!

1417
01:11:04,400 --> 01:11:05,600
Thank you so much.

1418
01:11:06,240 --> 01:11:07,760
I hope you enjoyed the show.

1419
01:11:07,840 --> 01:11:09,440
I hope no-one was offended.

1420
01:11:10,080 --> 01:11:12,000
No, I really do! That's not the point.

1421
01:11:12,080 --> 01:11:13,840
I've always wanted people to know

1422
01:11:13,920 --> 01:11:15,600
they can laugh at bad things,

1423
01:11:15,680 --> 01:11:16,920
without being bad people.

1424
01:11:17,120 --> 01:11:18,600
I think it's my upbringing.

1425
01:11:18,880 --> 01:11:21,440
I grew up... in poverty, with nothing.

1426
01:11:22,160 --> 01:11:24,000
But the point was to pay your way

1427
01:11:24,080 --> 01:11:25,240
then have a laugh.

1428
01:11:25,320 --> 01:11:27,760
That was the men. 
The women carried on working.

1429
01:11:32,120 --> 01:11:33,440
It was my older brother, Bob,

1430
01:11:33,520 --> 01:11:37,040
it was him who I first saw
making these dark jokes,

1431
01:11:37,120 --> 01:11:40,280
right in the bad situation,
as things were happening.

1432
01:11:41,400 --> 01:11:44,200
People were laughing.
I realized, "He's healing them."

1433
01:11:44,280 --> 01:11:46,720
That's what comedy's for, 
what humor's for.

1434
01:11:46,800 --> 01:11:48,280
It gets us over bad stuff.

1435
01:11:48,360 --> 01:11:50,720
Right? Typical Bob story.

1436
01:11:51,240 --> 01:11:54,360
He once spent an hour in the pound shop

1437
01:11:54,440 --> 01:11:57,080
in Hayling Island, just asking the cashier

1438
01:11:57,160 --> 01:11:58,640
how much everything was.

1439
01:12:01,560 --> 01:12:04,320
Just to see if he could break
this poor man's will.

1440
01:12:06,920 --> 01:12:10,040
Bob was the first person I saw
answer back to authority.

1441
01:12:10,120 --> 01:12:12,840
The first authority you come across are 
your parents.

1442
01:12:13,200 --> 01:12:15,600
And he'd get in trouble.
He got sent to bed.

1443
01:12:15,680 --> 01:12:17,680
But I thought he'd won the argument.

1444
01:12:17,760 --> 01:12:19,520
And he'd tease my mum.

1445
01:12:19,600 --> 01:12:22,320
My mum was a typical working-class woman.

1446
01:12:22,400 --> 01:12:25,480
As I say,
we lived in a shitty area, right?

1447
01:12:25,560 --> 01:12:28,160
And most of the houses looked like

1448
01:12:28,240 --> 01:12:32,080
a bit of mud, and a stolen bike,
and fence posts missing.

1449
01:12:32,160 --> 01:12:36,280
She mended the fence, turfed the garden
herself, painted the step.

1450
01:12:36,360 --> 01:12:39,760
She thought, "If it looked respectable,
we'd be respectable."

1451
01:12:40,000 --> 01:12:41,720
It was about reputation, I guess.

1452
01:12:41,800 --> 01:12:44,760
Bob would send her postcards
that just read,

1453
01:12:44,840 --> 01:12:47,760
"Is that pedophile postman
still reading your mail?"

1454
01:12:49,440 --> 01:12:51,160
And she'd take it, she'd go in,

1455
01:12:51,240 --> 01:12:53,640
and she'd be horrified. She'd call Bob.

1456
01:12:53,720 --> 01:12:56,280
"He saw it this time,
you must stop doing that!"

1457
01:13:04,960 --> 01:13:07,280
Even at her funeral... My mum died first,

1458
01:13:07,360 --> 01:13:09,680
and my dad carried on for a year or so,

1459
01:13:09,760 --> 01:13:11,880
just drinking beer, then he went.

1460
01:13:12,680 --> 01:13:15,040
At Mum's funeral, we had different duties.

1461
01:13:15,120 --> 01:13:16,760
I did catering and flowers.

1462
01:13:16,840 --> 01:13:18,920
Bob went to see the local vicar.

1463
01:13:19,000 --> 01:13:21,040
That was a mistake, right?

1464
01:13:22,160 --> 01:13:25,520
We'd never been to church,
he didn't know us, we didn't know him.

1465
01:13:25,600 --> 01:13:26,960
So, he said to Bob,

1466
01:13:27,040 --> 01:13:29,720
"Tell me about your mum,
so I can say a few words."

1467
01:13:29,800 --> 01:13:32,080
Bob saw that as an opportunity, right?

1468
01:13:33,040 --> 01:13:35,240
So, Bob, with a straight face, said,

1469
01:13:35,320 --> 01:13:37,520
"Well, she was a keen racist."

1470
01:13:41,160 --> 01:13:43,120
The vicar went, "I can't say that."

1471
01:13:43,200 --> 01:13:45,320
Bob said, "Okay, put she liked gardening."

1472
01:13:45,760 --> 01:13:50,800
He was trying to get the vicar to say
something to make us laugh in church.

1473
01:13:50,880 --> 01:13:52,400
He didn't warn us.

1474
01:13:52,480 --> 01:13:54,720
And he did get something by the vicar.

1475
01:13:54,800 --> 01:13:57,560
So we're called Ricky, Robert-- Bob--

1476
01:13:57,640 --> 01:14:00,160
Ricky, Robert, Marsha and Larry.

1477
01:14:00,240 --> 01:14:02,840
Now, Larry is the oldest, 
in his seventies.

1478
01:14:02,920 --> 01:14:04,120
Born in the war.

1479
01:14:04,200 --> 01:14:06,840
I always thought he was the sensible one.

1480
01:14:06,960 --> 01:14:09,880
First born, weight of the world
on his shoulders.

1481
01:14:09,960 --> 01:14:11,880
My mum said, when he was a teenager,

1482
01:14:11,960 --> 01:14:14,920
he got a job and gave her 
the money to help out.

1483
01:14:15,000 --> 01:14:17,000
He's a stand-up guy, Larry.

1484
01:14:17,480 --> 01:14:20,080
So, Bob... gives the vicar the wrong name.

1485
01:14:22,400 --> 01:14:24,840
Didn't warn us. We're all in church.

1486
01:14:25,720 --> 01:14:27,760
Start of the funeral, we're all there.

1487
01:14:27,840 --> 01:14:28,760
Packed out.

1488
01:14:29,200 --> 01:14:30,760
The coffin comes down.

1489
01:14:31,280 --> 01:14:32,600
Guided by the vicar.

1490
01:14:33,320 --> 01:14:34,840
The vicar goes to his pulpit.

1491
01:14:34,920 --> 01:14:37,520
All confident,
with his little notes, right?

1492
01:14:38,800 --> 01:14:39,840
And he goes...

1493
01:14:41,640 --> 01:14:44,440
Eva leaves behind four loving children.

1494
01:14:45,000 --> 01:14:45,840
Ricky.

1495
01:14:45,920 --> 01:14:47,040
Robert.

1496
01:14:47,120 --> 01:14:48,000
Marsha.

1497
01:14:48,080 --> 01:14:49,240
And Barry.

1498
01:14:50,600 --> 01:14:53,840
And... we snort like that, right?

1499
01:14:54,520 --> 01:14:55,360
Bob's going...

1500
01:14:56,880 --> 01:14:58,960
Everyone realizes. We're all laughing.

1501
01:14:59,040 --> 01:15:00,400
We see Larry go...

1502
01:15:03,040 --> 01:15:03,880
All right.

1503
01:15:05,600 --> 01:15:07,120
And the church is like...

1504
01:15:09,240 --> 01:15:10,640
Every time we thought of it,

1505
01:15:11,320 --> 01:15:13,040
we'd see Larry go...

1506
01:15:13,120 --> 01:15:14,320
Like that, right?

1507
01:15:15,240 --> 01:15:19,080
Then we'd just start giggling,
just fits of fucking giggles, right?

1508
01:15:19,520 --> 01:15:21,760
Larry eventually started doing this.

1509
01:15:23,840 --> 01:15:26,520
And the vicar's thinking, 
"What have I said?" Right?

1510
01:15:27,200 --> 01:15:30,000
He'd put in a few things the vicar 
didn't know

1511
01:15:30,080 --> 01:15:31,760
that set us off again.

1512
01:15:31,840 --> 01:15:34,760
Things that were just lies, 
or slightly wrong.

1513
01:15:35,440 --> 01:15:37,800
My nieces and nephews started crying.

1514
01:15:37,880 --> 01:15:40,480
I'd come prepared with a pack of tissues.

1515
01:15:41,120 --> 01:15:43,760
They'd take one and hand it on.
Before the funeral,

1516
01:15:44,360 --> 01:15:45,960
I'd taken the tissues out,

1517
01:15:46,040 --> 01:15:48,920
written on them, folded them back
and put them in.

1518
01:15:49,000 --> 01:15:51,720
And each tissue said,
"Snivelling fucking bitch."

1519
01:15:53,440 --> 01:15:55,160
And they're sort of laughing.

1520
01:15:55,240 --> 01:15:57,680
So it was like a madhouse, right?

1521
01:15:57,760 --> 01:15:59,680
Everything the vicar said or did,

1522
01:15:59,760 --> 01:16:02,120
we all started fucking laughing! Right?

1523
01:16:03,560 --> 01:16:07,160
And you could see the vicar was
visibly shook a little bit.

1524
01:16:08,000 --> 01:16:11,280
He ended the funeral,
and he made a beeline for me and Bob.

1525
01:16:11,560 --> 01:16:13,520
He said, "Sorry, was that okay?"

1526
01:16:13,600 --> 01:16:16,160
Me and Bob went, "Fucking brilliant, mate.

1527
01:16:16,240 --> 01:16:17,800
It was fucking brilliant."

1528
01:16:17,880 --> 01:16:21,640
That's what I mean. We're all gonna die,
so we should have a laugh.

1529
01:16:21,720 --> 01:16:25,600
If you can laugh in the face of adversity,
you're bullet-proof.

1530
01:16:25,680 --> 01:16:29,040
Me and my brother, Bob,
had one simple rule, and that was

1531
01:16:29,120 --> 01:16:31,840
if you think of something funny,
you've got to say it.

1532
01:16:33,280 --> 01:16:34,600
Win, lose or draw.

1533
01:16:38,400 --> 01:16:39,720
It might go well...

1534
01:16:47,600 --> 01:16:49,040
it might go badly.

1535
01:16:49,120 --> 01:16:50,800
But you've gotta say it.

1536
01:16:50,880 --> 01:16:53,720
And bear that in mind,
as I leave you with this.

1537
01:16:53,800 --> 01:16:54,640
Right...

1538
01:16:57,480 --> 01:16:59,800
So... we're all in the car one day.

1539
01:16:59,880 --> 01:17:02,320
Bob's driving. Packed in this car.

1540
01:17:02,400 --> 01:17:04,240
A little day trip to the beach.

1541
01:17:04,320 --> 01:17:06,520
We get stopped for a security check.

1542
01:17:07,400 --> 01:17:09,240
And there's a British bobby there.

1543
01:17:09,320 --> 01:17:10,560
And he stops the car.

1544
01:17:10,640 --> 01:17:13,040
Bob's at the window.
He said, "Where are we off to?"

1545
01:17:13,120 --> 01:17:14,160
Bob went, "Bognor."

1546
01:17:14,240 --> 01:17:17,360
He went, "Can you just pop the boot, 
please?"

1547
01:17:17,440 --> 01:17:18,840
So he looks at that.

1548
01:17:18,920 --> 01:17:20,680
Looks in the boot, like that.

1549
01:17:20,760 --> 01:17:22,360
Back to Bob's window.

1550
01:17:23,680 --> 01:17:25,720
Gets that mirror on a stick thing.

1551
01:17:25,800 --> 01:17:28,320
And he starts just looking under the car.

1552
01:17:28,400 --> 01:17:31,680
And as he does that,
his helmet falls off, right?

1553
01:17:31,760 --> 01:17:34,520
And out of the helmet falls a packet
of 20 cigarettes.

1554
01:17:34,920 --> 01:17:36,120
And the copper went,

1555
01:17:36,200 --> 01:17:39,120
"Bet you always wondered what we kept
under our helmets."

1556
01:17:39,520 --> 01:17:42,320
And Bob went, 
"I knew it wasn't fucking brains."

1557
01:17:45,480 --> 01:17:47,280
You've been amazing. Good night!