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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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["Killing Me Softly
with His Song" playing]
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[woman vocalizes]
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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♪ I heard he sang a good song ♪
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♪ I heard he had a style ♪
-[camera shutter clicks]
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♪ And so I came to see him
To listen for a while ♪
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[audience cheers]
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♪ And there he was
This young boy ♪
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♪ A stranger to my eyes ♪
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♪ Strumming my pain
With his fingers ♪
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♪ Singing my life with his words ♪
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♪ Killing me softly with his song ♪
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[Dave Chappelle]
I came back here where I started
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because I will shoot
my final Netflix special tonight.
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[audience cheering]
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That's right.
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And after this shit...
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it's time to make America wait again.
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I've done too well.
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You know, if you black in show business
and do too well, it's scary.
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You got to get the fuck out of the casino
while the getting's good,
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while you're still winning.
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If you don't walk away from the table,
that's how niggas get Kevin Harted.
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You already know.
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That's my man. I'm just saying,
if he got a sex tape out...
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well, it's just a matter of time for me.
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But you know why I be thinking sometimes
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I wanna stop doing comedy, and you know...
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I don't wanna sound like a braggart
saying this,
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but the real, like, reason I wanna stop
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is because I'm too goddamn good at it.
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I'm dope, nigga, like--
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I'm not even-- I'm not even exaggerating.
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It's not exciting.
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Every night before I come out on stage,
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I'll be backstage like,
"I'm sure this is gonna go well."
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And it always does.
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I'm so good at writing jokes...
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And this is not even an exaggeration.
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I actually write jokes backwards.
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I will write a punch line
with no particular setup in mind.
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I just put it on a scrap of paper,
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and I'll throw that scrap of paper
in my fishbowl.
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I have a fishbowl in my house filled
with random punch lines.
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And every once in a while,
I'll shake the bowl
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and I'll dig in there and pull one out,
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and see if I can make that shit work.
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And I picked one for this special.
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It's not an easy punch line to pull off.
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Are you ready?
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[audience] Yeah.
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Here it goes. The punch line is,
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"So I kicked her in the pussy."
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I haven't finished the joke yet.
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I just know whatever happens
in the beginning of the joke,
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at the end of the joke, for some reason,
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I'm gonna kick somebody in the pussy,
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and it's going to be hilarious.
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You know what's weird?
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I've always been this talented.
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I can't remember a time when I wasn't.
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You know, when I was growing up,
I was probably about eight years old,
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and at the time,
we were living in Silver Spring.
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Yeah.
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Yes.
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Common misconception about me and DC,
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a lot of people think I'm from the 'hood.
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That's not true.
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But I never bothered to correct anybody...
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because I wanted the streets
to embrace me.
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As a matter of fact,
I kept it up as a ruse.
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Like sometimes I'll hang out with rappers
like Nas and them,
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and these motherfuckers
start talking about the projects.
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"Yo, it was wild in the PJs, yo."
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And I'll be like, "Word, nigga, word."
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But I don't know.
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I have no idea.
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My parents did just well enough
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so that I could grow up poor
around white people.
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To be honest, when Nas and them
talk about the projects,
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nigga, I used to get jealous.
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Because it sounded fun.
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Everybody in the projects was poor,
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and that's fair.
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But if you were poor in Silver Spring,
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nigga, it felt like
it was only happening to you.
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Nas does not know the pain...
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of that first sleepover
at a white friend's house.
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When you come back home on Sunday
and just look at your parents like...
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"Y'all need to step your game up.
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Everything at Timmy's house works."
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Remember the first time you saw that?
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The cold winter
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and to be at a white friend's house
and see them motherfuckers
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in their living room
without their coats on?
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Timmy was one of my first white friends,
like, in my life, man.
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Good dude, too. He moved to Silver Spring
from Utah of all places.
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I guess his family was affiliated
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with that Mormon church
they got down there.
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Me and him used to hang out.
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One day, I was at his house,
just hanging out, and Timmy says,
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"Dave, why don't you stay
for dinner tonight?"
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I said, "Oh, man, I'd love to,
but I can't."
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If I'm not home before dark,
my mother will kill me."
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That was a lie.
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My mother had several jobs.
I hadn't seen her in three or four days.
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And the only reason I lied to Timmy
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was because at that point in my life,
it was my experience
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that white dinner wasn't delicious.
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I'd rather go home and fry some bologna
or some shit like that.
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But then old Timmy threw me a curveball
I wasn't expecting.
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He said, "Oh, it's too bad
you can't stay, Dave, 'cause...
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Mama made Stove Top stuffing."
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I said, "What the fuck? Stove Top?
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Hold on, nigga. Let me make
some phone calls real quick."
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I had seen that commercial so many times,
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I had dreamt of getting my hands
on some of that Stove Top stuffing.
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Finally I met a motherfucker that actually
had a box of Stove Top in the house.
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I couldn't miss this opportunity,
so I pretended to call my mother.
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Then I came back and I said, "Timmy.
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Timmy, you're not gonna believe this.
Great news. Mom said I can stay."
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He said, "Fantastic."
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He said, "Why don't you come with me,
and we'll help set the table,
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and then we can say the blessing?"
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I had no interest in setting
this motherfucker's table
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or saying these crazy-ass Mormon prayers.
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I just wanted the goddamn stuffing.
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I told Timmy,
"You know what? I'd love to help,
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but let me go wash my hands first."
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My plan was simple.
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Wash my hands slowly,
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and by the time I'm done,
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the table will be set,
the blessing will be said,
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and all that there will be left
to do is eat.
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Went to the bathroom.
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I wash my hands very slowly.
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I must have been in there
for about ten minutes.
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And suddenly...
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one of his mothers came to the door.
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She was like, "Hi. David, right?"
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I said, "Yes, ma'am."
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She said, "Timmy tells me that
you're planning on staying for dinner."
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I said, "I hope that's not
a problem, ma'am."
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She says, "No, it's no problem.
We'd love to have you.
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It's just that we weren't
expecting company.
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And I'm afraid...
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there's not enough Stove Top stuffing...
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for everybody."
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So I kicked her in the pussy.
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Ladies and gentlemen...
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I told you I'm dope, nigga.
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I told you that I was gonna say it,
and you still didn't see it coming.
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And that's why I make the big bucks.
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00:09:06,128 --> 00:09:07,213
Oh, my God.
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00:09:09,382 --> 00:09:12,885
But there's a more important reason
that I would stop doing comedy right now.
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00:09:13,928 --> 00:09:16,347
And this reason is the real reason
that's been percolating,
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00:09:16,430 --> 00:09:18,933
and it really is the crowd. Not you.
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I'm talking about the crowd
on the big stage.
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It's too hard to entertain a country
whose ears are so brittle.
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Motherfuckers are so sensitive,
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the whole country has turned
into bitch-ass niggas.
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Everything you say upsets somebody.
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You know, I can remember
when it all started.
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It was when I was doing Chappelle's Show.
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When I was doing Chappelle's Show...
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00:09:51,507 --> 00:09:52,383
I used to do the show,
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00:09:52,466 --> 00:09:55,011
and then on the weekends,
I'd do concerts and shit like that.
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So, I'm doing a concert,
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and there was a couple in the front row.
Beautiful couple.
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The wife... The wife was obviously Asian.
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You could see it in her face.
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The husband...
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this motherfucker was mysterious,
to say the least.
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Couldn't quite pinpoint where he was from.
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Caramel-colored fella, very nice hair,
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00:10:28,586 --> 00:10:30,921
but he could have been from anywhere.
Bangladesh, Mexico.
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I can't guess with a nigga like this.
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All I knew for sure about this guy...
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was that his wife was a bitch.
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00:10:43,351 --> 00:10:45,353
I could see that in her face, too. No, he was laughing
and having a good time,
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and she was scowling at me
at a goddamn comedy show.
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I couldn't figure it out.
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And then I realized at some point
that she was pregnant,
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and I was smoking on stage.
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I said, "Oh, my God.
That's probably why she's mad."
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So I started to put my cigarette out,
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00:11:04,246 --> 00:11:07,500
but then she hit me with one of them fake
non-smoker coughs.
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00:11:10,294 --> 00:11:11,253
So I just kept smoking.
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00:11:11,337 --> 00:11:14,256
I thought to myself,
"Bitch, that baby will be fine. Relax."
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00:11:17,760 --> 00:11:20,096
Then I tried to break the tension.
I just asked her-- This is all I said.
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00:11:20,179 --> 00:11:22,223
I go, "Hey, where are you guys from?"
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00:11:22,306 --> 00:11:26,602
And I could tell that she was on to me.
Very condescendingly, she says,
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"I'm from California.
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00:11:31,357 --> 00:11:34,068
If you're asking my ethnicity...
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00:11:35,111 --> 00:11:36,612
I am Chinese."
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00:11:37,279 --> 00:11:38,864
And her husband was just cool
about the shit.
198
00:11:38,948 --> 00:11:40,950
He was like, "I'm Mexican, bro."
199
00:11:43,452 --> 00:11:45,871
I said, "Well, I'm sorry
if I offended you by asking,
200
00:11:45,955 --> 00:11:47,498
but you're very beautiful couple.
201
00:11:48,207 --> 00:11:50,668
And, miss, there's no question
that you're gonna give birth
202
00:11:51,168 --> 00:11:53,838
to the hardest-working baby
this world has ever seen."
203
00:11:59,009 --> 00:12:00,261
It's not a bad joke.
204
00:12:01,637 --> 00:12:03,055
She got very upset.
205
00:12:03,139 --> 00:12:04,890
She got up to leave immediately.
206
00:12:04,974 --> 00:12:07,893
She didn't just leave. She had to take
one last dig at me on the way out.
207
00:12:09,019 --> 00:12:14,525
"I will never buy one of your fucking DVDs
again, Dave Chappelle."
208
00:12:16,318 --> 00:12:18,612
I said, "Ma'am, with all due respect...
209
00:12:19,655 --> 00:12:21,699
Chinese people don't buy DVDs."
210
00:12:30,040 --> 00:12:31,083
And the crowd went crazy.
211
00:12:31,167 --> 00:12:33,043
We were all laughing
and having a good time.
212
00:12:33,127 --> 00:12:34,795
I didn't even think anything of it.
213
00:12:34,879 --> 00:12:36,756
And then, just three days later,
214
00:12:36,839 --> 00:12:39,925
this lady sends a fucking letter
to my promoter
215
00:12:40,009 --> 00:12:42,636
telling him not to book me
for shows anymore
216
00:12:42,720 --> 00:12:44,972
because I was quote "racist." Huh?
217
00:12:45,556 --> 00:12:48,350
And... And I'm quoting her,
218
00:12:48,434 --> 00:12:51,687
"insensitive to the nature
of my interracial marriage."
219
00:12:52,271 --> 00:12:54,648
I was like, "Word, bitch, I was?"
220
00:12:59,612 --> 00:13:02,448
If she had just done
a little bit of research...
221
00:13:02,990 --> 00:13:08,078
She would know that I myself am
in an interracial marriage.
222
00:13:09,121 --> 00:13:09,997
That's right.
223
00:13:11,373 --> 00:13:15,211
In fact, my wife is Asian, too.
224
00:13:15,377 --> 00:13:18,672
Surprise, bitch.
I'll see you on Thanksgiving.
225
00:13:25,304 --> 00:13:26,847
But my wife's not Chinese.
226
00:13:27,681 --> 00:13:28,766
She's Filipino.
227
00:13:30,142 --> 00:13:31,393
That's right.
228
00:13:31,477 --> 00:13:34,313
And our kids look Puerto Rican somehow,
so there you go.
229
00:13:38,442 --> 00:13:40,152
I don't give a fuck
about interracial marriage.
230
00:13:40,236 --> 00:13:42,655
In fact, you know what?
My mother is half white.
231
00:13:42,738 --> 00:13:44,532
-A lot of people don't know that.
-[woman screams]
232
00:13:44,615 --> 00:13:47,117
All right, you a little too excited,
but okay.
233
00:13:50,371 --> 00:13:52,748
A lot of people don't believe me
when I say that, but it's true.
234
00:13:52,832 --> 00:13:55,251
You can't tell looking at me.
235
00:13:56,252 --> 00:13:57,920
But if I grew my hair out...
236
00:13:59,922 --> 00:14:02,174
you would think you was
at a fucking Katt Williams concert.
237
00:14:02,258 --> 00:14:03,342
My shit is...
238
00:14:04,885 --> 00:14:06,136
My shit is beautiful.
239
00:14:08,514 --> 00:14:10,474
But motherfuckers
are just taking it too far.
240
00:14:10,558 --> 00:14:15,145
I don't know why or how
everybody got this goddamn sensitive.
241
00:14:15,229 --> 00:14:16,772
You know who hates me the most?
242
00:14:16,856 --> 00:14:18,274
The transgender community.
243
00:14:19,567 --> 00:14:20,609
Yo, yeah, these motherfuck--
244
00:14:20,693 --> 00:14:22,820
I mean, I didn't realize how bad it was.
245
00:14:22,903 --> 00:14:26,782
These motherfuckers was really mad
about that last Netflix special.
246
00:14:33,581 --> 00:14:36,417
It's tough, man. I don't know
what to do about it 'cause...
247
00:14:36,750 --> 00:14:37,918
'Cause I like them.
248
00:14:39,003 --> 00:14:41,380
Always have.
Never had a problem with them.
249
00:14:41,839 --> 00:14:42,673
You know.
250
00:14:43,507 --> 00:14:44,717
Just fucking around.
251
00:14:46,051 --> 00:14:48,721
A matter fact, I think I make fun
of everybody.
252
00:14:49,513 --> 00:14:52,099
I mean, as a group of people,
they have to admit that...
253
00:14:54,143 --> 00:14:55,686
it's kind of fucking hilarious, man.
254
00:14:55,769 --> 00:14:57,229
I'm sorry, bro. It's like...
255
00:14:58,022 --> 00:15:01,191
I've never seen somebody
in such a hilarious predicament
256
00:15:01,942 --> 00:15:04,028
not have a sense of humor about it.
257
00:15:04,820 --> 00:15:08,490
They're born feeling like they're
something other than they're born as,
258
00:15:08,574 --> 00:15:09,617
and that's...
259
00:15:11,911 --> 00:15:13,245
That's kind of funny.
260
00:15:14,622 --> 00:15:16,874
I mean, it's funny
if it's not happening to you.
261
00:15:18,542 --> 00:15:21,337
It's like that white black bitch
that's in the news all the time.
262
00:15:23,631 --> 00:15:24,673
Rachel Dolezal.
263
00:15:25,925 --> 00:15:28,594
She always says that.
She-- She-- She was--
264
00:15:28,677 --> 00:15:31,889
She's a white woman, but then
she dressed up like a nigga and...
265
00:15:33,140 --> 00:15:36,602
shot her way up
to the very top of blackness.
266
00:15:39,772 --> 00:15:42,775
And I always wanted to meet her
just so I can understand.
267
00:15:42,858 --> 00:15:46,111
I just wanted to have dinner with her,
so I can just look in her eyes...
268
00:15:47,196 --> 00:15:49,448
and call her a nigga to her face.
269
00:15:52,910 --> 00:15:55,579
What the fuck is that bitch talking about?
"I identify as black."
270
00:15:55,663 --> 00:15:58,666
That is trans-talk, lady. Stop biting.
271
00:15:58,832 --> 00:16:00,209
Stop biting.
272
00:16:02,252 --> 00:16:03,712
There's a big difference
between her and a trans.
273
00:16:03,796 --> 00:16:07,049
The difference between her and a trans
is I believe transgenders.
274
00:16:07,132 --> 00:16:11,428
I don't understand them either,
but I know they mean what they say.
275
00:16:13,263 --> 00:16:15,099
Them niggas cut they dicks off.
276
00:16:16,183 --> 00:16:17,851
That's all the proof I need.
277
00:16:19,019 --> 00:16:20,688
Never seen somebody
just throw their dick away.
278
00:16:20,771 --> 00:16:21,605
Don't need it.
279
00:16:27,820 --> 00:16:29,780
I don't understand, but I believe you,
280
00:16:29,863 --> 00:16:32,032
and I support your decision, motherfucker.
281
00:16:33,617 --> 00:16:36,745
But how far is Rachel willing to go? Hmm?
282
00:16:38,038 --> 00:16:41,291
What is Rachel willing to do
so that we blacks can believe
283
00:16:41,375 --> 00:16:44,545
that she believes
she's actually one of us?
284
00:16:47,089 --> 00:16:49,758
Bitch, are you willing to put a lien
on your house?
285
00:16:52,302 --> 00:16:55,222
So that you can invest in a mix tape
that probably won't work out.
286
00:17:03,230 --> 00:17:04,773
She didn't even change her name.
287
00:17:05,983 --> 00:17:08,235
Didn't even change her name.
288
00:17:08,318 --> 00:17:10,029
Her name is Rachel.
289
00:17:10,112 --> 00:17:11,864
I can't believe in that name.
290
00:17:13,657 --> 00:17:14,700
You want my support,
291
00:17:14,783 --> 00:17:18,328
you gonna have to change your name
to the blackest shit I've ever heard.
292
00:17:20,664 --> 00:17:23,375
Bitch, you gonna have to change your name
to Draymond Green.
293
00:17:27,254 --> 00:17:29,173
I don't know a blacker name than that.
294
00:17:30,132 --> 00:17:31,717
That shit is black on paper.
295
00:17:33,302 --> 00:17:36,513
If you type "Draymond Green"
in the Airbnb...
296
00:17:37,931 --> 00:17:40,100
that shit will log off automatic.
297
00:17:50,778 --> 00:17:51,987
People get mad, bro.
298
00:17:53,113 --> 00:17:54,990
People get mad about everything I say.
299
00:17:55,824 --> 00:17:58,744
I was doing a show.
I was in Portland, Oregon.
300
00:17:59,620 --> 00:18:02,122
And I was checked in a hotel
301
00:18:02,206 --> 00:18:04,541
under the name Charles Edward Cheese.
302
00:18:13,258 --> 00:18:15,469
I came back to my room late at night...
303
00:18:17,429 --> 00:18:22,101
and there was a note.
It was like a letter on my desk.
304
00:18:22,184 --> 00:18:24,144
It was addressed to "Mr. Cheese."
305
00:18:24,228 --> 00:18:26,313
So, obviously, I'm gonna assume
306
00:18:26,396 --> 00:18:28,565
that whoever wrote this letter
must be an intimate friend.
307
00:18:28,649 --> 00:18:31,110
This is not some kind of name
that a person would just guess.
308
00:18:31,193 --> 00:18:32,402
But then I open the letter,
309
00:18:32,486 --> 00:18:35,030
and it turns out
I don't know this person at all.
310
00:18:35,614 --> 00:18:36,698
It's a fan letter.
311
00:18:37,282 --> 00:18:39,910
I'm not even used to the idea
that I have fans,
312
00:18:39,993 --> 00:18:41,328
but I'm grateful for it.
313
00:18:41,411 --> 00:18:42,246
And...
314
00:18:43,205 --> 00:18:45,999
And even though
I'm grateful for fans, I...
315
00:18:46,917 --> 00:18:48,544
I don't read those letters.
316
00:18:51,505 --> 00:18:54,174
Be nice if I did,
but realistically, it's like,
317
00:18:54,258 --> 00:18:56,677
"What am I, Santa Claus, nigga?
I don't have time for this.
318
00:18:57,594 --> 00:18:59,680
Got shit I wanna do. I'm trying to chill."
319
00:19:00,347 --> 00:19:02,182
Read all these dreams and wishes
from strangers.
320
00:19:02,266 --> 00:19:03,767
But then-- But I read it.
321
00:19:03,851 --> 00:19:06,311
I'd already opened it,
so I just read the whole letter.
322
00:19:06,395 --> 00:19:07,771
And you know what, man?
323
00:19:08,188 --> 00:19:11,400
Whoever wrote this letter truly loves me.
324
00:19:12,526 --> 00:19:14,653
I mean, they were really fucking nice
in the letter.
325
00:19:14,736 --> 00:19:18,115
And then they described to me
what it was like to come to the show.
326
00:19:18,198 --> 00:19:20,951
How excited they were
and how much fun they were having.
327
00:19:21,743 --> 00:19:22,995
And then they said...
328
00:19:23,745 --> 00:19:26,498
that when I got to my jokes
about transgenders...
329
00:19:27,040 --> 00:19:28,250
that they were quote,
330
00:19:29,459 --> 00:19:30,711
"devastated."
331
00:19:31,920 --> 00:19:35,799
'Cause turns out that whoever wrote
the letter was transgender.
332
00:19:36,258 --> 00:19:37,885
I'm gonna be real for a second.
333
00:19:38,927 --> 00:19:41,638
As a policy, you gotta understand,
334
00:19:41,722 --> 00:19:45,350
I never feel bad about
anything I say up here.
335
00:19:54,318 --> 00:19:58,197
And I would never admit this to you
if I hadn't locked your phones up.
336
00:20:02,743 --> 00:20:05,829
But it was the weirdest thing,
like when I read this letter...
337
00:20:06,997 --> 00:20:08,916
the shit made me feel bad.
338
00:20:08,999 --> 00:20:11,251
I didn't feel bad about what I said,
you understand.
339
00:20:11,335 --> 00:20:15,505
I felt bad that I made
somebody else feel bad.
340
00:20:15,881 --> 00:20:18,800
To be honest, I don't even know
what I said that upset that person.
341
00:20:19,218 --> 00:20:21,178
I have so many transgender jokes.
342
00:20:24,806 --> 00:20:26,308
[laughs]
343
00:20:27,226 --> 00:20:28,518
But I feel like...
344
00:20:29,228 --> 00:20:31,104
I feel like it was probably...
345
00:20:31,772 --> 00:20:34,233
this joke I'm about to tell you right now.
346
00:20:35,275 --> 00:20:36,193
Sorry.
347
00:20:37,319 --> 00:20:39,196
And it's not even that bad of a joke.
348
00:20:39,279 --> 00:20:41,782
It's a true joke.
I mean, it's not true, but I--
349
00:20:41,865 --> 00:20:43,325
I had read in the paper
350
00:20:43,408 --> 00:20:46,203
that Caitlyn Jenner
was contemplating posing nude
351
00:20:46,286 --> 00:20:48,914
in an upcoming issue
of Sports Illustrated.
352
00:20:49,122 --> 00:20:53,835
And I know it's not politically correct
to say these things,
353
00:20:53,919 --> 00:20:57,339
so I just figured, ""Fuck it,
I'll say it for everybody else.
354
00:20:58,215 --> 00:20:59,174
Yuck."
355
00:21:04,638 --> 00:21:08,016
You know, sometimes,
I just want to read some stats.
356
00:21:09,518 --> 00:21:11,436
I don't know why you gonna cram
some man pussy
357
00:21:11,520 --> 00:21:13,730
in the middle of the sports page lines.
358
00:21:14,564 --> 00:21:16,233
I just didn't think
that was the place for it.
359
00:21:16,316 --> 00:21:19,194
But I wasn't saying anything like
Caitlyn Jenner's a bad person.
360
00:21:19,278 --> 00:21:22,239
I'm not mad at her.
I'm not even mad at Sports Illustrated.
361
00:21:22,322 --> 00:21:23,991
If I'm mad at somebody...
362
00:21:24,950 --> 00:21:27,119
I'm probably just mad at myself.
363
00:21:27,411 --> 00:21:28,370
You understand?
364
00:21:28,537 --> 00:21:33,250
'Cause deep down,
I know that I am not strong enough...
365
00:21:34,459 --> 00:21:36,461
to not look at those pictures.
366
00:21:41,883 --> 00:21:44,469
And I don't think I'm ready to see
what she's trying to show.
367
00:21:46,513 --> 00:21:47,472
So, Caitlyn...
368
00:21:48,640 --> 00:21:50,934
goddamn it, if you go through
with this thing...
369
00:21:53,061 --> 00:21:55,272
bitch, you better go hard or go home.
370
00:21:56,815 --> 00:21:58,984
I want you to go all the way.
371
00:21:59,234 --> 00:22:01,945
Hustler style. Do you know what
Hustler style means, miss?
372
00:22:02,029 --> 00:22:04,406
That means spread the lips...
373
00:22:14,958 --> 00:22:17,544
I hope she spreads the lips
and there's an itty-bitty dick inside.
374
00:22:20,964 --> 00:22:23,508
The show is behind the curtains.
375
00:22:35,228 --> 00:22:37,272
I don't know what I said
that upset that person.
376
00:22:38,690 --> 00:22:39,983
But I'm gonna tell you something.
377
00:22:40,817 --> 00:22:42,069
When I read that letter...
378
00:22:42,652 --> 00:22:44,237
in the moments after I read it,
379
00:22:44,321 --> 00:22:48,533
I did something that many black men
in America
380
00:22:48,617 --> 00:22:51,661
do not have the time or the money to do.
381
00:22:52,079 --> 00:22:54,956
I thought about how I felt.
382
00:22:59,920 --> 00:23:01,505
Asked myself a very basic question
383
00:23:01,588 --> 00:23:03,465
that I don't think
I ever directly contemplated.
384
00:23:03,548 --> 00:23:06,093
I said, "Man, Dave,
if you're writing all these jokes,
385
00:23:06,176 --> 00:23:10,180
do you have a problem
with transgender people?"
386
00:23:10,263 --> 00:23:14,643
And the answer is absolutely not.
387
00:23:14,726 --> 00:23:16,728
The fuck you guys think I am?
388
00:23:16,812 --> 00:23:20,273
I don't understand all the choices
that people make.
389
00:23:20,732 --> 00:23:22,901
But I do understand that life is hard,
390
00:23:22,984 --> 00:23:25,987
and that those types of choices
do not disqualify you
391
00:23:26,071 --> 00:23:29,491
from a life with dignity and happiness
and safety in it.
392
00:23:38,667 --> 00:23:39,918
But if I'm honest...
393
00:23:45,465 --> 00:23:48,844
my problem has never been
with transgender people.
394
00:23:48,927 --> 00:23:50,762
My problem has always been
395
00:23:50,846 --> 00:23:54,057
with the dialogue
about transgender people.
396
00:23:54,141 --> 00:23:57,811
I just feel like these things
should not be discussed
397
00:23:57,894 --> 00:23:59,729
in front of the blacks.
398
00:24:02,649 --> 00:24:03,942
It's fucking insulting,
399
00:24:04,025 --> 00:24:06,903
all this talk about
how these people feel inside.
400
00:24:06,987 --> 00:24:13,076
Since when has America given a fuck
how any of us feel inside?
401
00:24:18,123 --> 00:24:22,043
And I cannot shake this awful suspicion
402
00:24:22,127 --> 00:24:26,214
that the only reason
everybody is talking about transgenders
403
00:24:26,298 --> 00:24:29,384
is because white men want to do it.
404
00:24:29,801 --> 00:24:30,635
That's right.
405
00:24:30,719 --> 00:24:32,220
I just said that.
406
00:24:34,097 --> 00:24:36,433
If it was just women that felt that way
407
00:24:36,516 --> 00:24:38,393
or black dudes and Mexican dudes
being like,
408
00:24:38,477 --> 00:24:40,187
"Hey, ya'll, we feel like girls inside."
409
00:24:40,270 --> 00:24:43,148
They'd be like, "Shut up, nigger.
No one asked you how you felt.
410
00:24:43,648 --> 00:24:45,817
Come on, everybody,
we have strawberries to pick."
411
00:24:47,903 --> 00:24:49,696
It reeks of white privilege.
412
00:24:50,322 --> 00:24:54,159
You never asked yourself why it was easier
for Bruce Jenner to change his gender
413
00:24:54,242 --> 00:24:57,996
than it was for Cassius Clay
to change his fucking name?
414
00:25:05,378 --> 00:25:07,297
And if I were to be brutally honest...
415
00:25:08,507 --> 00:25:09,341
[man] Go, Dave.
416
00:25:09,424 --> 00:25:12,802
...the only reason I ever have been mad
at the transgender community,
417
00:25:12,886 --> 00:25:15,096
is because I was at a club in LA
418
00:25:15,514 --> 00:25:19,017
and danced with one of these niggas
for six songs straight.
419
00:25:20,769 --> 00:25:22,229
I had no idea.
420
00:25:24,022 --> 00:25:25,941
Then the lights came up
and I saw them knuckles.
421
00:25:26,024 --> 00:25:28,193
I said, "Oh, no!"
422
00:25:28,944 --> 00:25:30,987
And everybody was laughing at me.
423
00:25:31,947 --> 00:25:32,989
WorldStar.
424
00:25:37,035 --> 00:25:40,121
I said, "Why didn't you say anything?"
425
00:25:41,581 --> 00:25:43,166
Then I heard that sultry voice.
426
00:25:44,376 --> 00:25:46,711
"I didn't say anything, Dave Chappelle,
427
00:25:47,212 --> 00:25:49,506
because I was having a wonderful time.
428
00:25:50,840 --> 00:25:53,385
And I wasn't sure
how you'd feel about it."
429
00:25:55,095 --> 00:25:57,055
I said, "You knew how I'd feel."
430
00:26:00,225 --> 00:26:03,603
And she said, "I'm going home.
I don't want any trouble from you."
431
00:26:04,437 --> 00:26:06,982
I said, "Home? It's only two songs left.
432
00:26:07,065 --> 00:26:08,984
I mean, we might as well...
433
00:26:10,443 --> 00:26:11,528
finish the night."
434
00:26:15,907 --> 00:26:17,784
And we ended up having breakfast together.
435
00:26:19,411 --> 00:26:21,663
Oh, grow up. That doesn't make me gay.
436
00:26:22,539 --> 00:26:23,957
I just titty-fuck them.
437
00:26:26,543 --> 00:26:28,878
Those titties are as real
as any titties in LA.
438
00:26:29,337 --> 00:26:30,338
It was two o'clock in the morning.
439
00:26:30,422 --> 00:26:34,092
I was just borrowing a little friction
from a stranger. Whoops!
440
00:26:44,769 --> 00:26:46,313
It's the madness of youth.
441
00:26:47,105 --> 00:26:49,357
It's the types of mistakes a man makes
when he's young.
442
00:26:49,441 --> 00:26:51,484
I wouldn't even know
that it's necessarily a mistake.
443
00:26:51,568 --> 00:26:52,986
It was a wild night out.
444
00:26:54,946 --> 00:26:57,991
But I don't do it like that anymore.
I'm old. I'm 44 now.
445
00:26:58,867 --> 00:26:59,701
Right.
446
00:27:03,079 --> 00:27:07,375
It's the first time in my life I've ever
started to physically feel my age.
447
00:27:07,459 --> 00:27:09,169
You can-- It's tough, man.
448
00:27:09,669 --> 00:27:12,631
You know how I know I'm getting old?
This is embarrassing, but...
449
00:27:13,214 --> 00:27:14,633
I was in my hotel room.
450
00:27:16,217 --> 00:27:18,887
I was-- I'm not gonna lie,
I was jerking off.
451
00:27:19,846 --> 00:27:21,806
And I was really sweating it out.
452
00:27:24,601 --> 00:27:26,227
And this is when I knew I was old.
453
00:27:26,728 --> 00:27:29,606
I just gave up in the middle
like nothing even happened.
454
00:27:38,490 --> 00:27:40,867
I don't like looking at my dick anymore.
455
00:27:41,743 --> 00:27:43,745
My dick looks distinguished.
456
00:27:44,454 --> 00:27:46,247
It's old. An old-looking dick.
457
00:27:46,331 --> 00:27:49,709
It's got salt-and-pepper hair
all around it.
458
00:27:51,711 --> 00:27:54,506
My dick looks like Morgan Freeman
in the '90s.
459
00:27:56,716 --> 00:27:58,009
Without the dots.
460
00:28:01,304 --> 00:28:02,263
My dick narrates,
461
00:28:02,847 --> 00:28:05,684
"Dave pulled me out
and started jerking me around.
462
00:28:05,767 --> 00:28:07,102
Jerking me around.
463
00:28:08,019 --> 00:28:10,939
But not with the same vigor
as when he was young.
464
00:28:12,440 --> 00:28:14,984
He and I both knew
nothing was coming out."
465
00:28:21,449 --> 00:28:23,368
I see my age in my children.
466
00:28:25,662 --> 00:28:27,789
I came home from the road,
this is not long ago.
467
00:28:27,872 --> 00:28:31,668
I'd been gone for-- If you picture,
I was gone for weeks and weeks,
468
00:28:31,751 --> 00:28:34,754
and when I came back, nobody was home.
469
00:28:36,756 --> 00:28:39,217
Not one person in my family thought that
470
00:28:39,801 --> 00:28:41,845
maybe I'd like to see them
when I got back.
471
00:28:42,762 --> 00:28:45,140
They knew when I was coming back,
but they just weren't...
472
00:28:45,223 --> 00:28:46,182
They just weren't home.
473
00:28:46,266 --> 00:28:48,893
And that shit was a wake-up call.
474
00:28:49,686 --> 00:28:51,438
You know, like, when my kids were little, and the tour bus would pull up
to the house,
475
00:28:53,732 --> 00:28:55,942
these motherfuckers would spill out.
476
00:28:57,318 --> 00:29:00,155
"Dad is home. Hooray!"
477
00:29:00,238 --> 00:29:01,740
And they'd hug me and kiss me.
478
00:29:01,823 --> 00:29:04,826
And then, as the years went on,
they'd get less interested.
479
00:29:04,909 --> 00:29:08,872
"Hey, everybody, look,
it's Mr. Promises back from the road."
480
00:29:14,252 --> 00:29:16,004
But an empty house, that's...
481
00:29:16,880 --> 00:29:18,298
That's some cold shit.
482
00:29:20,383 --> 00:29:23,219
I went into my oldest son's room.
I was like, "Hello? Hello?"
483
00:29:23,303 --> 00:29:24,137
He was gone.
484
00:29:24,220 --> 00:29:26,723
I'd never done this to him before,
but for some reason, I just did it.
485
00:29:26,806 --> 00:29:29,225
I just... I just looked through his shit.
486
00:29:31,019 --> 00:29:33,938
Just to see who this motherfucker
was becoming.
487
00:29:35,398 --> 00:29:38,359
I found these notebooks, and I started
going through the notebooks,
488
00:29:38,443 --> 00:29:41,070
and it was all this wonderful poetry
in them.
489
00:29:41,154 --> 00:29:42,530
It was his handwriting.
490
00:29:42,614 --> 00:29:45,366
I didn't even know this nigga wrote poems.
491
00:29:48,161 --> 00:29:51,539
Then I look through his drawers,
and I open up his middle drawer...
492
00:29:52,499 --> 00:29:54,334
and I found this rolling paper.
493
00:29:56,544 --> 00:29:59,255
And I looked down
at them papers, like, "Oh...
494
00:30:00,173 --> 00:30:02,258
that's where that poetry is coming from."
495
00:30:07,931 --> 00:30:09,682
And that shit broke my heart.
496
00:30:10,683 --> 00:30:13,937
I mean, I smoke weed,
but I mourned my son's innocence.
497
00:30:14,437 --> 00:30:15,855
And I cried a little bit...
498
00:30:16,564 --> 00:30:19,067
and I took his papers upstairs in my room.
499
00:30:20,819 --> 00:30:23,154
Rolled some weed
that I'd hid from the family.
500
00:30:24,113 --> 00:30:25,740
And I got really high.
501
00:30:26,449 --> 00:30:27,992
And then I got paranoid...
502
00:30:28,910 --> 00:30:31,037
so I put his papers back
how I found them...
503
00:30:32,997 --> 00:30:34,999
so he wouldn't know what I was up to.
504
00:30:37,335 --> 00:30:40,421
This nigga won't even know that
that happened till he sees this special.
505
00:30:43,258 --> 00:30:45,260
Yeah, nigga, I found your papers.
506
00:30:48,680 --> 00:30:49,806
He's a cold motherfucker.
507
00:30:49,889 --> 00:30:52,976
This kid is only 16 years old.
Listen to what he did to me.
508
00:30:53,059 --> 00:30:54,978
This motherfucker calls me up...
509
00:30:55,395 --> 00:30:57,981
in the middle of the night.
It was one o'clock in the morning. He goes, "Dad, don't be mad."
510
00:31:00,733 --> 00:31:03,319
I knew something was terribly wrong.
511
00:31:04,654 --> 00:31:07,323
I said, "What's going on?"
He said, "Listen, I'm fine.
512
00:31:07,407 --> 00:31:09,450
And don't forget you told me to do this.
513
00:31:10,451 --> 00:31:11,661
I'm at a party,
514
00:31:12,036 --> 00:31:15,373
and my designated driver
had too much to drink.
515
00:31:15,707 --> 00:31:17,959
Me and my friends need you
to come pick us up."
516
00:31:18,042 --> 00:31:21,170
I said, "Jesus Christ.
It's one o'clock in the morning, nigga.
517
00:31:21,254 --> 00:31:23,006
I am shitfaced."
518
00:31:33,725 --> 00:31:37,145
But then I figured fuck,
it's better me than some kid.
519
00:31:39,230 --> 00:31:41,691
I might as well roll the dice
and go pick my nigga up.
520
00:31:41,774 --> 00:31:43,651
I said, "All right,
I'm coming to get you.
521
00:31:46,738 --> 00:31:48,907
Give me the address
and I'll be right there."
522
00:31:50,283 --> 00:31:52,535
And then he gave me the address,
and I was shocked.
523
00:31:52,619 --> 00:31:55,163
I said, "Son, you are not
gonna believe this, but...
524
00:31:56,623 --> 00:31:58,958
I'm at the same party, nigga."
525
00:32:10,345 --> 00:32:12,138
They grow up fast, don't they?
526
00:32:13,306 --> 00:32:14,641
Can I ask you a weird question? I don't want
to make you feel uncomfortable.
527
00:32:16,142 --> 00:32:17,101
You don't have to answer it,
528
00:32:17,185 --> 00:32:19,771
and if it doesn't go well,
we'll just edit it out anyway.
529
00:32:21,147 --> 00:32:24,609
Is it weird to be the only white people
in a row?
530
00:32:29,614 --> 00:32:31,157
I mean, you can be honest.
531
00:32:31,240 --> 00:32:33,451
Does it feel strange?
Are you worried at all?
532
00:32:35,036 --> 00:32:37,372
Give me your money, motherfucker.
I'm just fucking with you.
533
00:32:39,165 --> 00:32:41,459
This guy's got ice in his veins.
He didn't even buckle.
534
00:32:44,337 --> 00:32:46,839
You know, like many black men my age,
535
00:32:46,923 --> 00:32:49,676
the first time I voted
was eight years ago.
536
00:32:54,305 --> 00:32:55,223
That's right.
537
00:32:57,100 --> 00:33:00,311
I saw Obama on TBS,
said, "I'm voting for this nigga."
538
00:33:03,523 --> 00:33:05,525
I remember the day I voted for Obama.
539
00:33:05,817 --> 00:33:07,026
I voted in Ohio.
540
00:33:07,443 --> 00:33:09,904
And my vote matters in Ohio.
541
00:33:10,363 --> 00:33:12,115
Ohio is a battleground state.
542
00:33:12,198 --> 00:33:15,660
But when I pulled up to the polls,
all of the soldiers were in line.
543
00:33:15,743 --> 00:33:17,954
There were so many black people
in that goddamn line,
544
00:33:18,037 --> 00:33:21,332
I didn't even know it was the polls.
I thought it was the check-cashing place.
545
00:33:25,795 --> 00:33:27,296
We were hugging each other,
546
00:33:27,380 --> 00:33:30,883
and old people were singing hymns
and spirituals and shit.
547
00:33:31,134 --> 00:33:35,179
It was like the OJ verdict times ten
or some shit.
548
00:33:35,263 --> 00:33:37,348
I've never seen black people that happy.
549
00:33:41,144 --> 00:33:43,813
Eight years later,
I'm pulling up to the polls again.
550
00:33:44,564 --> 00:33:47,108
This time, I'm driving
a brand-new Porsche.
551
00:33:47,525 --> 00:33:50,236
Because the Obama years
were very good to me.
552
00:33:58,286 --> 00:33:59,662
I was early voting...
553
00:34:00,246 --> 00:34:01,914
and when I parked my car,
554
00:34:01,998 --> 00:34:03,624
I figured out something
555
00:34:03,708 --> 00:34:06,878
that it would take the rest of the country
another week to figure out.
556
00:34:07,462 --> 00:34:10,673
I understood that Donald Trump
was gonna be our next president.
557
00:34:10,757 --> 00:34:13,801
Because in Ohio, unlike DC,
558
00:34:13,885 --> 00:34:16,554
you could see the results
in the parking lot.
559
00:34:17,263 --> 00:34:21,017
All these goddamn pickup trucks
and tractors and shit.
560
00:34:30,526 --> 00:34:35,656
And then I walked up,
and I saw a long, long line...
561
00:34:36,949 --> 00:34:38,451
of dusty white people.
562
00:34:43,873 --> 00:34:46,626
Yes, ladies and gentlemen,
these were the poor whites.
563
00:34:47,835 --> 00:34:51,964
I must tell you, I've never had a problem
with white people ever in my life,
564
00:34:52,340 --> 00:34:53,674
but full disclosure...
565
00:34:55,551 --> 00:34:57,929
the poor whites are my least favorites.
566
00:35:01,099 --> 00:35:03,142
We've got a lot of trouble out of them.
567
00:35:05,645 --> 00:35:08,314
And I've never seen
so many of them up close.
568
00:35:09,774 --> 00:35:12,610
I looked them right
in their coal-smeared faces.
569
00:35:16,489 --> 00:35:17,990
And to my surprise...
570
00:35:18,866 --> 00:35:20,493
you know what I didn't see?
571
00:35:21,035 --> 00:35:25,957
I didn't see one deplorable face
in that group.
572
00:35:27,083 --> 00:35:29,210
Saw some angry faces
and some determined faces,
573
00:35:29,293 --> 00:35:32,046
but they felt like decent folk.
574
00:35:32,630 --> 00:35:36,175
No, they did. In fact, I'm not even lying,
and not to sound fucked up,
575
00:35:36,259 --> 00:35:37,802
but I felt sorry for them.
576
00:35:38,219 --> 00:35:39,554
I know the game there.
577
00:35:40,012 --> 00:35:42,306
I know that rich white people
578
00:35:42,390 --> 00:35:44,517
call poor white people trash.
579
00:35:44,809 --> 00:35:46,853
And the only reason I know that
580
00:35:46,936 --> 00:35:49,313
is because I made
so much money last year,
581
00:35:49,939 --> 00:35:53,359
the rich whites told me they say it
at a cocktail party.
582
00:35:57,905 --> 00:35:59,532
And I'm not with that shit.
583
00:36:00,283 --> 00:36:01,409
I stood with them in line,
584
00:36:01,492 --> 00:36:04,162
like all of us Americans are required
to do in a democracy,
585
00:36:04,245 --> 00:36:06,372
nobody skips the line to vote,
586
00:36:06,914 --> 00:36:08,332
and I listened to them.
587
00:36:08,541 --> 00:36:12,378
I listened to them say naive
poor white people things.
588
00:36:14,088 --> 00:36:17,091
"Man, Donald Trump's
gonna go to Washington,
589
00:36:17,175 --> 00:36:19,510
and he's gonna fight for us."
590
00:36:20,511 --> 00:36:24,223
I'm standing there thinking in my mind,
"You dumb motherfucker.
591
00:36:30,104 --> 00:36:32,231
You are poor.
592
00:36:33,649 --> 00:36:35,109
He's fighting for me."
593
00:36:48,414 --> 00:36:50,958
And they all looked at me.
They could tell who I was voting for,
594
00:36:51,042 --> 00:36:53,461
just as easily as I could tell
who they were voting for.
595
00:36:53,544 --> 00:36:56,130
But do you guys know
what we all had in common?
596
00:36:56,923 --> 00:36:59,634
Not one of us, not a single one of us,
597
00:36:59,842 --> 00:37:03,262
looked like we felt good about
what we had to do in that booth.
598
00:37:03,930 --> 00:37:05,973
We were just doing our goddamn duty.
599
00:37:06,057 --> 00:37:08,893
Yes, I voted for Hillary Clinton,
of course I did.
600
00:37:11,479 --> 00:37:15,233
I voted for her
because I liked what she said
601
00:37:15,524 --> 00:37:18,986
vastly better than I liked what he said.
602
00:37:21,697 --> 00:37:23,574
To be honest with you, at that point,
603
00:37:24,242 --> 00:37:27,453
that shit was like watching Darth Vader
do the "I Have a Dream" speech.
604
00:37:29,538 --> 00:37:30,706
That bitch is mean as hell.
605
00:37:30,790 --> 00:37:34,126
She'd already Karate Kid swept
Bernie Sanders legs from underneath him.
606
00:37:34,210 --> 00:37:36,545
Boy, it was hard voting for that shit.
607
00:37:37,838 --> 00:37:39,465
But it was the lesser of the evils.
608
00:37:39,548 --> 00:37:42,802
I know you were a Clinton supporter, miss.
I am sorry to say like that.
609
00:37:42,885 --> 00:37:45,388
It didn't feel bad voting for her,
610
00:37:45,471 --> 00:37:48,015
but it didn't feel as good
as it should've.
611
00:37:48,391 --> 00:37:50,559
She was gonna be
our first woman president.
612
00:37:50,643 --> 00:37:52,895
They were gonna make coins out
of this bitch.
613
00:37:59,694 --> 00:38:02,238
And somehow, she just missed the dunk.
614
00:38:03,739 --> 00:38:06,242
Of course she should've beat him.
615
00:38:06,325 --> 00:38:07,868
You know what voting for her felt like?
616
00:38:07,952 --> 00:38:09,954
It was bittersweet. It felt like
617
00:38:10,538 --> 00:38:14,208
I was lucky enough
to eat Halle Berry's pussy.
618
00:38:16,460 --> 00:38:18,796
And whilst I was doing so,
619
00:38:19,088 --> 00:38:21,757
she fucking farted in my face, man.
620
00:38:30,808 --> 00:38:32,977
Now you understand, I'd still do it.
621
00:38:35,354 --> 00:38:38,774
But, boy, I wish she didn't fart
in this great nation's face.
622
00:38:43,029 --> 00:38:46,490
I voted that day, and then that same day
I flew to New York City.
623
00:38:47,158 --> 00:38:48,284
I had work.
624
00:38:48,868 --> 00:38:50,703
That night, I was in a comedy club
in New York,
625
00:38:50,786 --> 00:38:55,291
and I said to an audience
almost exactly what I just said to you.
626
00:38:55,833 --> 00:38:58,252
And I didn't know that
there was a journalist in the room.
627
00:38:58,336 --> 00:39:01,047
And this journalist wrote an article.
628
00:39:01,130 --> 00:39:02,673
The headline of the article said,
629
00:39:02,757 --> 00:39:08,262
"Dave Chappelle is an avid
Donald Trump supporter."
630
00:39:09,555 --> 00:39:12,683
Yeah. I had no idea the paper said that.
631
00:39:12,767 --> 00:39:14,143
You know how I found out?
632
00:39:14,226 --> 00:39:16,896
My wife called me from Ohio
the next morning
633
00:39:16,979 --> 00:39:18,356
in a goddamn panic.
634
00:39:19,065 --> 00:39:21,776
"David. David, what the fuck...
635
00:39:22,943 --> 00:39:24,737
is going on in New York?"
636
00:39:26,280 --> 00:39:29,241
I said, "I've been good,
but what have you heard?"
637
00:39:36,707 --> 00:39:40,711
My wife said, "The paper is saying
that you're a Donald Trump supporter."
638
00:39:40,795 --> 00:39:42,505
I was like... [sighs]
639
00:39:48,260 --> 00:39:50,221
I said,
"Don't worry about that shit, baby.
640
00:39:51,639 --> 00:39:53,891
Nobody in their right mind
would believe that."
641
00:39:53,974 --> 00:39:57,103
And she said,
"No, David, people believe it."
642
00:39:57,186 --> 00:40:00,022
And then she started reading
the comments to me.
643
00:40:00,481 --> 00:40:01,857
Oh, they were terrible.
644
00:40:02,400 --> 00:40:06,779
All these black people calling me
all kinds of Uncle Toms and shit.
645
00:40:07,988 --> 00:40:12,159
I should tell you, this is a very serious
allegation from one black to another.
646
00:40:15,621 --> 00:40:18,666
I was incensed. Uncle Tom?
647
00:40:20,126 --> 00:40:21,544
How am I Uncle Tom, nigga?
648
00:40:21,627 --> 00:40:24,255
You the one that reads the Observer.
649
00:40:27,049 --> 00:40:29,468
Anyway, all this shit goes down.
650
00:40:30,845 --> 00:40:33,472
And Saturday night rolls around,
651
00:40:33,556 --> 00:40:35,307
and now Trump is the president,
652
00:40:35,391 --> 00:40:37,518
and I'm hosting Saturday Night Live.
653
00:40:44,442 --> 00:40:46,652
And I didn't really prepare my monologue.
654
00:40:46,735 --> 00:40:47,987
I just kind of winged it.
655
00:40:49,155 --> 00:40:51,323
At the end of the monologue,
I don't even remember what I said.
656
00:40:51,407 --> 00:40:52,741
I said something like, "Fuck it.
657
00:40:52,825 --> 00:40:55,786
We're historically disenfranchised,
and we're gonna give him--"
658
00:40:55,870 --> 00:40:57,746
Something about, "We're gonna give him
a chance if he gives us a chance."
659
00:40:57,830 --> 00:41:00,416
I don't know what I said,
but whatever I said,
660
00:41:00,499 --> 00:41:02,835
I really wish I didn't say that shit.
661
00:41:05,713 --> 00:41:07,423
It was not worth the trouble.
662
00:41:08,466 --> 00:41:10,718
Walking to the barbershop and all them
black people be looking at me like,
663
00:41:10,801 --> 00:41:13,429
"Yo, Dave, what's up with your boy?"
664
00:41:13,512 --> 00:41:15,723
Yo, nigga, yo!
665
00:41:17,850 --> 00:41:19,685
He's not my boy.
666
00:41:21,562 --> 00:41:24,940
'Cause I don't care if you're Republican
or Democrat, if you support him or not,
667
00:41:25,024 --> 00:41:27,818
any objective person
is gonna have to admit
668
00:41:27,902 --> 00:41:31,447
that this motherfucker
is having a terrible go of it.
669
00:41:35,868 --> 00:41:37,036
He really is.
670
00:41:39,830 --> 00:41:43,334
We've had presidents before
that have done bad jobs,
671
00:41:43,417 --> 00:41:45,878
but this shit is worse than a bad job.
672
00:41:46,378 --> 00:41:48,672
It's scary to watch.
673
00:41:49,465 --> 00:41:50,299
Holy shit.
674
00:41:50,382 --> 00:41:54,386
It's like seeing a crack pipe
in your Uber driver's passenger seat.
675
00:41:59,391 --> 00:42:01,602
What the fuck is wrong with this guy?
676
00:42:02,561 --> 00:42:05,981
Yo, he is lunching, nigga. I watched...
677
00:42:06,982 --> 00:42:10,945
I watched Donald Trump
in a press conference.
678
00:42:11,028 --> 00:42:13,489
And this motherfucker
had all the media gathered,
679
00:42:13,572 --> 00:42:15,282
and this nigga literally,
680
00:42:15,699 --> 00:42:18,786
literally asked the media to their face
681
00:42:18,869 --> 00:42:20,496
to stop finding shit out.
682
00:42:20,579 --> 00:42:21,830
I was like, "Yo.
683
00:42:23,290 --> 00:42:25,960
Yo, this motherfucker is bugging."
684
00:42:26,544 --> 00:42:28,921
And then... I'm not even making this up.
685
00:42:29,255 --> 00:42:31,507
His lips started sweating.
686
00:42:32,967 --> 00:42:38,347
His lips. Have you ever seen
a motherfucker's lips sweat?
687
00:42:39,723 --> 00:42:41,892
What the fuck is wrong
with this nigga's lips?
688
00:42:42,935 --> 00:42:45,813
It's like if you're on a plane, right?
You ever been on a plane...
689
00:42:45,896 --> 00:42:49,149
I get scared to fly. I do it all the time.
I'll be scared on there.
690
00:42:49,233 --> 00:42:51,569
And sometimes a plane will hit turbulence.
691
00:42:51,652 --> 00:42:54,530
And then I get nervous, but I always
look at the flight attendant,
692
00:42:54,613 --> 00:42:57,866
and she looks calm,
and it makes me feel calm.
693
00:42:58,951 --> 00:43:01,745
But if that bitch's lips were sweating?
694
00:43:05,249 --> 00:43:07,960
It's terrifying. Like, "Yo, nigga,
why are your lips sweating?
695
00:43:08,043 --> 00:43:09,169
What do you know?"
696
00:43:11,505 --> 00:43:12,548
And then...
697
00:43:13,048 --> 00:43:16,135
I'm not making this up. This motherfucker
grabbed the podium, he goes,
698
00:43:16,594 --> 00:43:22,099
"You don't know how scary
the things I read in my briefings are."
699
00:43:22,182 --> 00:43:25,853
And I was like, "Holy shit, man.
You ain't supposed to tell us that, bro."
700
00:43:27,855 --> 00:43:29,607
That's bad leadership.
701
00:43:30,649 --> 00:43:32,735
As a parent,
you think I'm gonna sit my kids down,
702
00:43:32,818 --> 00:43:35,821
"Hey, little man, come here real quick.
I'm gonna holler at you for a second.
703
00:43:35,904 --> 00:43:36,822
Yo...
704
00:43:39,867 --> 00:43:41,452
I'm three months behind
on the rent, nigga,
705
00:43:41,535 --> 00:43:44,538
and I am worried.
706
00:43:44,913 --> 00:43:45,998
Very worried.
707
00:43:47,750 --> 00:43:49,627
Go on, go to school
and have a productive day.
708
00:43:49,710 --> 00:43:52,838
I was just thinking out loud.
Getting some shit off my chest."
709
00:43:52,921 --> 00:43:55,633
I'm like,
"What the fuck are you doing, bro?"
710
00:43:58,135 --> 00:43:59,595
This is bad, man.
711
00:44:04,016 --> 00:44:05,976
Jesus Christ.
712
00:44:07,561 --> 00:44:12,024
All this motherfucker's ideas
sound like "high people" ideas.
713
00:44:13,108 --> 00:44:15,486
He doesn't think these things through
before he tells us.
714
00:44:15,569 --> 00:44:17,988
He tells us what he's thinking
as soon as it occurs to him.
715
00:44:18,072 --> 00:44:19,490
That shit sounds nuts.
716
00:44:21,200 --> 00:44:22,993
"I'm gonna go to China,
717
00:44:23,202 --> 00:44:25,496
and I'm gonna get those jobs from China and bring them back here to America."
718
00:44:31,043 --> 00:44:34,546
For what, nigga?
So iPhones can be $9,000?
719
00:44:35,923 --> 00:44:38,592
Leave that job in China where it belongs.
720
00:44:38,676 --> 00:44:40,761
None of us want to work that hard.
721
00:44:42,805 --> 00:44:44,306
What the fuck is he thinking?
722
00:44:47,643 --> 00:44:50,104
I want to wear Nikes.
I don't want to make them shits.
723
00:44:50,187 --> 00:44:51,730
What the fuck are you doing?
724
00:44:54,316 --> 00:44:57,695
Stop trying to give us Chinese jobs.
725
00:45:00,531 --> 00:45:03,867
"I am going to bring back coal."
726
00:45:03,951 --> 00:45:05,536
Coal?!
727
00:45:07,621 --> 00:45:09,289
I'm not even exaggerating...
728
00:45:09,498 --> 00:45:15,379
I have never in my life
even seen a fucking lump of coal.
729
00:45:17,131 --> 00:45:20,259
I honestly don't even know
what coal is for.
730
00:45:22,886 --> 00:45:25,931
If you gonna have motherfuckers digging
in the dirt looking for shit,
731
00:45:26,515 --> 00:45:29,059
find me some truffles, nigga.
That's what I'm about.
732
00:45:30,728 --> 00:45:33,605
At least truffle prices
are getting out of control.
733
00:45:34,898 --> 00:45:35,816
If it gets any worse,
734
00:45:35,899 --> 00:45:38,944
I'm gonna be back down
to regular butter like everybody else.
735
00:45:43,323 --> 00:45:44,867
Terrible, terrible job.
736
00:45:47,077 --> 00:45:50,622
This motherfucker hit North Korea
with rap battle threats.
737
00:45:50,706 --> 00:45:51,957
"Fire and Fury."
738
00:45:52,040 --> 00:45:56,336
Like, "Yo! Yo, what you doing?"
739
00:46:01,425 --> 00:46:03,260
This is fucking Korea, man.
740
00:46:04,386 --> 00:46:06,680
Kim Jong-un is a scary motherfucker.
741
00:46:06,764 --> 00:46:09,224
He might be as crazy as Trump.
742
00:46:12,936 --> 00:46:14,188
Some scary shit.
743
00:46:14,980 --> 00:46:17,232
And if you one of them
naive motherfuckers that thinks
744
00:46:17,316 --> 00:46:19,443
that a war with Korea is gonna be easy,
745
00:46:19,526 --> 00:46:23,697
then you don't play Call of Duty
at three a.m. like I do.
746
00:46:24,615 --> 00:46:26,408
'Cause that's when the Koreans play.
747
00:46:27,701 --> 00:46:28,994
Fucking eight-year-old Korean kid
748
00:46:29,077 --> 00:46:31,455
took out my whole
goddamn platoon last night.
749
00:46:40,881 --> 00:46:43,300
I've never seen somebody
in an office so high
750
00:46:43,383 --> 00:46:46,053
with the most just basic
fucking solutions.
751
00:46:46,136 --> 00:46:47,137
Like, you know...
752
00:46:47,638 --> 00:46:50,557
"We should not let any more Muslims
in the country
753
00:46:50,641 --> 00:46:52,768
till we can figure out what's going on."
754
00:46:52,851 --> 00:46:56,563
Did he just say,
"Figure out what's going on"?
755
00:46:57,689 --> 00:47:00,234
Who doesn't know how to do basic math?
756
00:47:00,317 --> 00:47:02,027
Let's count it out, okay?
757
00:47:02,110 --> 00:47:05,030
It's been 17 mass shootings
in the United States.
758
00:47:05,197 --> 00:47:07,241
Four of them were done by Muslims.
759
00:47:07,324 --> 00:47:09,952
None of those four Muslims were
from any of the seven countries
760
00:47:10,035 --> 00:47:12,287
in your stupid-ass original ban.
761
00:47:19,503 --> 00:47:23,006
And since he brought it up,
the other 13 shootings
762
00:47:23,423 --> 00:47:25,592
were done by the tiki-torch whites.
763
00:47:28,887 --> 00:47:29,972
These are facts.
764
00:47:30,681 --> 00:47:33,475
You don't see me trying to ban
white people from the show
765
00:47:33,559 --> 00:47:35,811
to keep the rest of the audience safe.
766
00:47:36,895 --> 00:47:40,399
It's a fucking terrible idea,
because it's mean and it's racist.
767
00:47:40,482 --> 00:47:41,984
And most importantly...
768
00:47:42,860 --> 00:47:45,863
it would be catastrophic
to my bottom line.
769
00:47:49,575 --> 00:47:51,034
If there were no white people
here tonight,
770
00:47:51,118 --> 00:47:53,871
I might leave this bitch with $1,800.
771
00:47:56,039 --> 00:47:58,041
This man needs to realize
772
00:47:58,125 --> 00:47:59,960
that we all need each other.
773
00:48:00,252 --> 00:48:04,673
And that's why we will never, ever be able
to beat China.
774
00:48:04,756 --> 00:48:07,009
Because everybody in America is racist,
775
00:48:07,092 --> 00:48:09,428
and everybody in China is Chinese.
776
00:48:13,640 --> 00:48:15,642
This motherfucker called it all wrong.
777
00:48:15,726 --> 00:48:19,062
And don't believe the media either,
'cause as all this shit is happening,
778
00:48:19,146 --> 00:48:21,356
the media is trying to make us believe
779
00:48:21,440 --> 00:48:24,651
that the extremities amongst us
are the norms.
780
00:48:24,735 --> 00:48:27,112
We can disagree, that's fine.
781
00:48:27,362 --> 00:48:30,699
And most of us are keeping a cool head
about this shit.
782
00:48:30,991 --> 00:48:31,825
You know what I mean?
783
00:48:31,909 --> 00:48:35,120
Americans generally
respect one another's beliefs,
784
00:48:35,203 --> 00:48:36,830
even if they don't share those beliefs.
785
00:48:36,914 --> 00:48:39,833
I know I do.
I respect everybody's beliefs,
786
00:48:39,917 --> 00:48:41,501
except Amish people.
787
00:48:43,962 --> 00:48:46,673
'Cause they are the only ones
that I can say clearly,
788
00:48:46,757 --> 00:48:48,050
"Their God is wrong."
789
00:48:51,178 --> 00:48:55,933
Speed limit is 75 miles an hour in Ohio,
790
00:48:56,016 --> 00:49:01,688
and one lane of traffic is blocked
by a goddamn horse and buggy.
791
00:49:03,023 --> 00:49:04,816
Nigga, your God is ridiculous.
792
00:49:09,279 --> 00:49:11,782
All the Amish people around my way
know me, too.
793
00:49:11,865 --> 00:49:13,992
Not from television, obviously.
794
00:49:17,079 --> 00:49:18,872
They know me from the streets.
795
00:49:20,248 --> 00:49:23,835
'Cause when I see them horse and buggies,
I pull the Porsche over and talk to 'em.
796
00:49:23,919 --> 00:49:25,796
[imitates brakes screeching]
797
00:49:26,880 --> 00:49:27,798
"Ezekiel.
798
00:49:29,883 --> 00:49:31,551
Ezekiel, are you sure
799
00:49:31,635 --> 00:49:34,972
that God doesn't want you to have any
of this technology or this energy?
800
00:49:35,681 --> 00:49:36,682
Huh?
801
00:49:37,140 --> 00:49:38,016
Hmm?
802
00:49:39,184 --> 00:49:40,102
Huh?
803
00:49:40,352 --> 00:49:42,479
I can't hear you.
Let me turn this air conditioner off.
804
00:49:42,562 --> 00:49:43,814
What did you say?"
805
00:49:47,985 --> 00:49:50,320
And them niggas be like,
"Get away from me, ye.
806
00:49:51,321 --> 00:49:55,200
Ye tried to tempt me like the devil."
807
00:49:55,826 --> 00:49:56,702
"Devil?
808
00:49:57,285 --> 00:50:00,455
Nah, bro. I'm trying to put you
onto the game, Zeke.
809
00:50:01,540 --> 00:50:05,794
It's a big world out here, nigga.
I just went 25 miles in 30 minutes.
810
00:50:06,586 --> 00:50:08,296
That's a day's journey for you.
811
00:50:11,675 --> 00:50:14,219
You don't even know what the weather's
gonna be tomorrow, do you?
812
00:50:16,138 --> 00:50:16,972
I do.
813
00:50:18,765 --> 00:50:22,853
You don't even know that there's
a valuable Pokémon on your shoulder.
814
00:50:22,936 --> 00:50:24,229
[imitates game beep] Ta-ta."
815
00:50:24,730 --> 00:50:26,106
And then I drive away.
816
00:50:27,941 --> 00:50:30,152
-[men and women shouting]
-Huh?
817
00:50:31,486 --> 00:50:33,655
-Oh, my vape pen?
-[man] Yeah, I want to hit it.
818
00:50:33,739 --> 00:50:35,365
You want to hit my vape pen?
819
00:50:35,949 --> 00:50:39,244
Oh, sorry, nigga,
I'm trying not to get herpes. My bad.
820
00:50:43,040 --> 00:50:46,543
I've been playing cat-and-mouse
with herpes for 30 years now, but...
821
00:50:47,127 --> 00:50:50,047
Every night, I go to the club,
I be like, "Not tonight, herpes."
822
00:50:53,550 --> 00:50:55,677
No disrespect.
I'm not saying you have herpes.
823
00:50:55,761 --> 00:50:59,556
I'm just saying one out of five people do,
so let's just...
824
00:51:00,182 --> 00:51:03,226
Let's just all be careful around
this motherfucker and make sure that...
825
00:51:03,769 --> 00:51:05,896
we leave with the lips we came with.
826
00:51:14,654 --> 00:51:17,616
Sometimes I think that the media is hard
on Trump.
827
00:51:18,200 --> 00:51:21,661
'Cause I'll see shit that they get on him
about that doesn't seem bad to me.
828
00:51:22,287 --> 00:51:23,955
Nigga got into trouble about
829
00:51:24,498 --> 00:51:26,500
not staying in the White House enough.
830
00:51:26,583 --> 00:51:28,794
Who gives a fuck?
This motherfucker was rich.
831
00:51:29,628 --> 00:51:31,463
He used to shit in a gold toilet.
832
00:51:32,964 --> 00:51:35,133
It's true. I don't know if you've ever
been to the White House.
833
00:51:35,217 --> 00:51:37,385
It looks like a very nice place
to work, but...
834
00:51:38,053 --> 00:51:40,180
I wouldn't want to live in that
Scooby-Doo-ass house either.
835
00:51:40,263 --> 00:51:43,350
That shit is... terrifying looking.
836
00:51:44,601 --> 00:51:46,228
Imagine you trying to jerk off
in the crib,
837
00:51:46,311 --> 00:51:48,230
and Abraham Lincoln's just looking
at you like...
838
00:51:57,155 --> 00:51:59,366
Shit, Bush didn't stay there, either.
He was rich, too.
839
00:51:59,449 --> 00:52:01,868
He was like, "Fuck that.
I'm going to my ranch in Texas."
840
00:52:02,410 --> 00:52:05,247
Obama was the first motherfucker
to move into the White House like,
841
00:52:05,330 --> 00:52:06,748
"This is a nice place.
842
00:52:08,458 --> 00:52:09,543
Look at this rug."
843
00:52:20,470 --> 00:52:23,473
The media got on him about
putting Jared Kushner in his cabinet,
844
00:52:23,557 --> 00:52:25,517
and I didn't think that
that was the worst thing he'd done.
845
00:52:25,600 --> 00:52:26,977
I mean, it was still early.
846
00:52:27,727 --> 00:52:28,770
It's not unprecedented.
847
00:52:28,854 --> 00:52:31,857
Kennedy had his brother
as attorney general, right?
848
00:52:32,149 --> 00:52:33,942
This motherfucker's a Washington outsider.
849
00:52:34,025 --> 00:52:36,236
To be honest with you,
I'd probably do the same thing.
850
00:52:36,862 --> 00:52:38,280
As a matter of fact, I do.
851
00:52:38,905 --> 00:52:43,076
You think I go to a Hollywood meeting
with all them white folks by myself?
852
00:52:44,536 --> 00:52:47,247
I bring my nigga Mac Mittens
from the streets.
853
00:52:48,623 --> 00:52:49,916
I don't even know his real name.
854
00:52:50,000 --> 00:52:52,210
Everybody just calls him Mac Mittens.
855
00:52:53,170 --> 00:52:56,548
But I know he's not qualified
to even listen to these meetings,
856
00:52:56,631 --> 00:53:00,135
but this motherfucker
just makes me feel good.
857
00:53:00,719 --> 00:53:01,803
And all the white people look at me like,
858
00:53:01,887 --> 00:53:04,181
"Dave, do you mind asking
your friend Mac Mittens
859
00:53:04,264 --> 00:53:06,766
to excuse us so we can talk business?"
860
00:53:06,850 --> 00:53:08,268
And I say, "Fuck that.
861
00:53:09,102 --> 00:53:12,105
Anything you say to me,
Mac Mittens can hear that shit."
862
00:53:13,857 --> 00:53:16,067
And he listened to the whole meeting.
863
00:53:16,526 --> 00:53:18,445
When they done talking,
I just look over to Mac Mittens,
864
00:53:18,528 --> 00:53:20,780
and if he gives me the signal...
"Meow-meow!"
865
00:53:22,532 --> 00:53:23,867
I'll sign the papers.
866
00:53:25,619 --> 00:53:26,828
It's a gut check.
867
00:53:28,079 --> 00:53:29,414
Or how about this one?
868
00:53:29,706 --> 00:53:32,542
Remember when it was
the day after the election,
869
00:53:32,626 --> 00:53:35,879
and the president of Taiwan
called Donald Trump to congratulate him?
870
00:53:36,838 --> 00:53:39,257
And Donald Trump, of course,
took the call
871
00:53:39,341 --> 00:53:41,384
and talked to the president of Taiwan.
872
00:53:41,676 --> 00:53:43,345
The problem with that was...
873
00:53:44,054 --> 00:53:45,972
Taiwan doesn't have a president.
874
00:53:48,016 --> 00:53:51,811
The United States functions on what
they call "a one China policy,"
875
00:53:51,895 --> 00:53:55,482
and Taiwan is a renegade province
of said China.
876
00:53:55,565 --> 00:53:57,651
And Donald Trump didn't know that,
877
00:53:57,734 --> 00:54:01,154
and picked up the phone
and started yammering away, and...
878
00:54:01,863 --> 00:54:04,491
the media ate his ass up.
And I'm not gonna lie,
879
00:54:05,075 --> 00:54:06,201
I was laughing, I was like,
880
00:54:06,284 --> 00:54:09,663
"Oh, shit. This dumb motherfucker is
in trouble."
881
00:54:13,333 --> 00:54:16,044
And then that night,
I was in bed drifting off to sleep,
882
00:54:16,127 --> 00:54:19,381
and then, I had to admit it to myself.
I was like...
883
00:54:21,132 --> 00:54:23,093
"I didn't know that shit, either."
884
00:54:28,682 --> 00:54:31,559
And then I realized the media
got the story wrong.
885
00:54:31,643 --> 00:54:34,229
The story wasn't that
Donald Trump took the call.
886
00:54:34,312 --> 00:54:41,027
The biggest story is that nobody told
Donald Trump not to take the call.
887
00:54:41,111 --> 00:54:42,195
That's terrifying.
888
00:54:42,279 --> 00:54:44,948
Goddamn, nigga, you don't have
a Mac Mittens on your team?
889
00:54:48,159 --> 00:54:49,619
It wasn't like they were calling
the White House.
890
00:54:49,703 --> 00:54:51,579
They were calling the switchboard
at Trump Tower,
891
00:54:51,663 --> 00:54:53,456
and they were getting through, anybody.
892
00:54:53,540 --> 00:54:57,127
"Mr. President, there's a Rikki-Tikki-Tavi
on the phone for you."
893
00:54:57,210 --> 00:54:58,378
"Yes, put him through.
894
00:54:58,461 --> 00:55:00,297
Hello. Hello, Rikki-Tikki.
895
00:55:00,380 --> 00:55:01,715
Good to talk to you."
896
00:55:02,257 --> 00:55:05,176
"Mr. President, there's a John Jacob
Jingleheimer Schmidt on the phone."
897
00:55:05,802 --> 00:55:08,096
"His name is my name, too.
Put him through.
898
00:55:08,179 --> 00:55:11,016
Hello. Hello, John Jacob.
Let's talk business."
899
00:55:15,603 --> 00:55:17,355
How many people in this room
900
00:55:17,814 --> 00:55:20,191
are not originally from the United States?
901
00:55:20,817 --> 00:55:23,695
-Round of applause.
-[applauding]
902
00:55:23,778 --> 00:55:25,405
Where are you from, bro? You right there.
903
00:55:25,488 --> 00:55:26,323
[man] Iraq.
904
00:55:26,406 --> 00:55:28,742
You're from Iraq? Ewww!
905
00:55:31,494 --> 00:55:32,704
I'm just fucking around.
906
00:55:32,787 --> 00:55:35,040
How long you been here in the country?
907
00:55:35,373 --> 00:55:36,207
[man] Twenty-three years.
908
00:55:36,291 --> 00:55:38,126
Twenty-three years? Are you a citizen yet?
909
00:55:38,209 --> 00:55:41,546
You are? Congratulations, nigga.
Congratulations.
910
00:55:42,714 --> 00:55:44,758
Well, welcome to this great land.
911
00:55:47,177 --> 00:55:48,970
You know, I'm gonna give you
a history lesson,
912
00:55:49,429 --> 00:55:51,931
'cause I'm sure this wasn't
on your entry exam.
913
00:55:52,724 --> 00:55:54,309
But every naturalized American
914
00:55:54,392 --> 00:55:56,728
has heard something about
what I'm about to tell you.
915
00:55:57,354 --> 00:56:00,023
Picture, it's the early '50s
in the United States.
916
00:56:00,106 --> 00:56:02,317
This 14-year-old boy goes down...
917
00:56:03,151 --> 00:56:04,903
from Chicago to Mississippi
918
00:56:05,403 --> 00:56:07,655
to meet his extended family
for the first time.
919
00:56:07,739 --> 00:56:08,656
He'd never been to Mississippi.
920
00:56:08,740 --> 00:56:12,243
And before he went,
his mother said to him,
921
00:56:12,327 --> 00:56:13,870
very pointedly, she said,
922
00:56:13,953 --> 00:56:19,250
"If a white man looks you in your eyes
in Mississippi, look away."
923
00:56:19,918 --> 00:56:23,338
And I don't know what you know about
black people from Chicago,
924
00:56:23,421 --> 00:56:26,341
but they're not a scared people.
925
00:56:28,635 --> 00:56:31,429
Legend has it, he was in front
of a convenience store,
926
00:56:31,513 --> 00:56:34,099
hanging out with his cousins,
having a good time,
927
00:56:34,432 --> 00:56:37,477
and a white woman walked out of the store,
928
00:56:37,560 --> 00:56:40,897
and he thought she was pretty,
and he said... [wolf whistles]
929
00:56:41,523 --> 00:56:42,774
"Bye, baby."
930
00:56:43,566 --> 00:56:47,195
Not realizing that he had just made
a fatal mistake.
931
00:56:47,946 --> 00:56:49,364
Four days later...
932
00:56:49,906 --> 00:56:53,451
Four days later,
a group of adult white men
933
00:56:54,035 --> 00:56:55,787
burst into this family's home
934
00:56:55,870 --> 00:56:59,332
and snatched a 14-year-old boy out
of bed,
935
00:56:59,416 --> 00:57:03,211
in front of his family
that was powerless to stop them,
936
00:57:03,294 --> 00:57:06,714
and he was never seen alive again.
937
00:57:07,382 --> 00:57:09,592
His name was Emmett Till.
938
00:57:10,635 --> 00:57:13,513
They found his body
maybe a few days later.
939
00:57:13,888 --> 00:57:14,973
It was in a creek,
940
00:57:15,223 --> 00:57:17,392
tied to a wheel so it would sink,
941
00:57:17,600 --> 00:57:19,477
horribly beaten and bloated.
942
00:57:19,811 --> 00:57:20,728
Hideous.
943
00:57:21,604 --> 00:57:23,815
And lucky for everybody in America...
944
00:57:24,607 --> 00:57:28,778
his mother was a fucking gangster.
945
00:57:30,655 --> 00:57:31,489
She was.
946
00:57:37,328 --> 00:57:38,329
If you can imagine,
947
00:57:38,413 --> 00:57:41,499
in the very midst
of a mother's worst nightmare,
948
00:57:41,583 --> 00:57:44,794
this woman had the foresight
to think about everybody.
949
00:57:45,128 --> 00:57:47,755
She said, "Leave my son's casket open."
950
00:57:48,631 --> 00:57:52,802
She said, "The world needs to see
what they did to my baby."
951
00:57:53,761 --> 00:57:56,097
And every publication here
in the United States,
952
00:57:56,181 --> 00:57:59,309
from Jet magazine all the way
to the New York Times,
953
00:57:59,392 --> 00:58:02,979
had this boy's horribly bloated body
on its cover.
954
00:58:03,062 --> 00:58:06,608
And if our Civil Rights Movement
was a car,
955
00:58:07,400 --> 00:58:10,320
this boy's dead body was premium gas.
956
00:58:10,403 --> 00:58:13,281
This was a very definitive moment
in American history,
957
00:58:13,364 --> 00:58:15,366
where every thinking and feeling person
was like...
958
00:58:15,450 --> 00:58:18,077
"Yuck! We gotta do better than this."
959
00:58:18,536 --> 00:58:21,247
And they fought beautifully,
and here we all are.
960
00:58:27,670 --> 00:58:31,925
And the reason
that I bring that up tonight
961
00:58:32,008 --> 00:58:35,386
and why it's relevant now,
is because less than a year ago,
962
00:58:35,470 --> 00:58:37,597
the woman that he allegedly whistled at...
963
00:58:38,431 --> 00:58:40,934
admitted on her deathbed...
964
00:58:41,601 --> 00:58:45,188
that she lied in her court testimony.
965
00:58:45,897 --> 00:58:48,608
And you can imagine,
when we read that shit,
966
00:58:48,691 --> 00:58:52,987
we was like, "Ooh! You lying-ass, bitch."
967
00:58:54,948 --> 00:58:56,491
Was furious.
968
00:58:57,450 --> 00:58:59,827
That was my initial reaction.
969
00:58:59,911 --> 00:59:02,539
And initial reactions,
we all learned as we get older,
970
00:59:02,622 --> 00:59:06,626
are often wrong or more often incomplete.
971
00:59:06,709 --> 00:59:10,630
They call this phenomenon
"standing too close to an elephant."
972
00:59:10,713 --> 00:59:13,883
The analogy being that if you stand
too close to an elephant,
973
00:59:13,967 --> 00:59:15,677
you can't see the elephant.
974
00:59:15,885 --> 00:59:19,055
All you see is its penis-like skin.
975
00:59:21,432 --> 00:59:24,352
You gotta step back
and give it a better look.
976
00:59:24,435 --> 00:59:27,981
And on stepping back and thinking
about it for a few moments,
977
00:59:28,064 --> 00:59:31,985
I realized that it must have been
very difficult for this woman
978
00:59:32,068 --> 00:59:35,863
to tell a truth that heinous about herself
at any point in her life.
979
00:59:35,947 --> 00:59:37,282
Even the very end.
980
00:59:37,532 --> 00:59:39,075
And I was grateful
981
00:59:39,158 --> 00:59:41,828
that she had the courage to tell it
before she left this world.
982
00:59:41,911 --> 00:59:43,413
Because it's an important truth
983
00:59:43,997 --> 00:59:45,456
and we needed to know.
984
00:59:45,540 --> 00:59:48,751
And I said to myself,
"Well, thank you for telling the truth...
985
00:59:49,252 --> 00:59:51,671
you lying-ass bitch."
986
00:59:51,796 --> 00:59:53,006
[audience cheering]
987
00:59:56,259 --> 00:59:59,220
And then time goes on,
988
00:59:59,304 --> 01:00:02,974
and then after time,
you can kind of see the whole elephant.
989
01:00:03,558 --> 01:00:04,642
And it's humbling.
990
01:00:05,018 --> 01:00:07,437
'Cause you realize that this woman lied
991
01:00:07,520 --> 01:00:09,981
and that lie caused a murder.
992
01:00:10,440 --> 01:00:14,944
But that murder set
in motion a sequence of events
993
01:00:15,486 --> 01:00:17,822
that made my wonderful life possible.
994
01:00:17,905 --> 01:00:19,949
That made this very night possible.
995
01:00:20,033 --> 01:00:26,205
How could this be that this lie
could make the world a better place?
996
01:00:26,414 --> 01:00:27,540
It's maddening.
997
01:00:28,374 --> 01:00:31,252
And that's how I feel
about this president.
998
01:00:32,420 --> 01:00:38,301
I feel like this motherfucker
might be the lie that saves us all.
999
01:00:39,719 --> 01:00:43,556
Because I have never felt more American
1000
01:00:43,640 --> 01:00:46,893
than when we all hate
on this motherfucker together.
1001
01:00:47,477 --> 01:00:50,563
Jesus Christ. It's good.
1002
01:00:52,065 --> 01:00:56,486
And when it happens,
I can see everybody that's stuggling.
1003
01:00:57,278 --> 01:00:58,363
So if I'm on stage
1004
01:00:58,446 --> 01:01:01,157
and I tell a joke that makes you want
to beat up a transgender,
1005
01:01:01,240 --> 01:01:04,619
then you're probably a piece of shit
and don't come see me anymore.
1006
01:01:05,620 --> 01:01:07,914
Or if you don't understand
that when a football player
1007
01:01:07,997 --> 01:01:09,916
takes a knee during the national anthem,
1008
01:01:09,999 --> 01:01:12,418
he's actually standing up for me, then you might not want
to fuck with me anymore.
1009
01:01:16,881 --> 01:01:19,467
'Cause I swear no matter how bad it gets,
1010
01:01:20,051 --> 01:01:21,636
you're my countrymen,
1011
01:01:21,719 --> 01:01:25,431
and I know for a fact that I'm determined
to work shit out with y'all.
1012
01:01:25,515 --> 01:01:29,143
And if that woman that said
that heinous lie was alive today,
1013
01:01:29,227 --> 01:01:31,354
I would thank her for lying.
1014
01:01:31,938 --> 01:01:34,357
And then I would kick her in the pussy.
1015
01:01:34,649 --> 01:01:36,859
Thank you very much, Washington, DC.
1016
01:01:37,443 --> 01:01:40,279
God bless you and good night.
1017
01:01:40,363 --> 01:01:42,365
[cheering]
1018
01:01:49,539 --> 01:01:51,666
["Reaching Through the Darkness" playing]
1019
01:01:58,923 --> 01:02:01,300
♪ Reaching through the darkness... ♪
1020
01:02:01,384 --> 01:02:05,388
[crowd continuing cheering]
1021
01:02:07,640 --> 01:02:11,936
♪ Just like Him
Breaking through the darkness ♪
1022
01:02:12,019 --> 01:02:14,605
[man rapping] ♪ Hey, yo, Material
All right, could dry the tears ♪
1023
01:02:14,689 --> 01:02:17,483
♪ Of a thousand peers
For a thousand years ♪
1024
01:02:17,567 --> 01:02:19,986
♪ And a thousand cheers
Born to erase my fears ♪
1025
01:02:20,069 --> 01:02:22,822
♪ I'm better off living life
Where Jesus is ♪
1026
01:02:22,905 --> 01:02:25,950
♪ Not an atheist
But them Christian kids ♪
1027
01:02:26,033 --> 01:02:28,536
♪ A little too judgmental
About my sins ♪
1028
01:02:28,619 --> 01:02:32,123
♪ And I aim to win
But I miss the mark ♪
1029
01:02:32,206 --> 01:02:34,208
♪ Paul, Peter and Joseph
Will now depart ♪
1030
01:02:34,292 --> 01:02:37,587
♪ But I follow my heart
Without any disguise ♪
1031
01:02:37,670 --> 01:02:40,381
♪ Blood dripping from my sleeve
'Cause my heart don't see ♪
1032
01:02:40,465 --> 01:02:43,760
♪ That intentions are public
With smiles and positivity ♪ ♪ Behind a fake is a snake
That could murder me, murder! ♪
1033
01:02:47,221 --> 01:02:49,390
♪ Life's filled
With things you never heard-a ♪
1034
01:02:49,474 --> 01:02:52,351
♪ Been trying to get in
Since niggas was really word up ♪
1035
01:02:52,435 --> 01:02:54,896
♪ Struggles that I've been through
Make the average man curl up ♪
1036
01:02:54,979 --> 01:02:58,232
♪ Godson, "Coming, Grandma"
Saying, "Hurry up!" ♪
1037
01:02:58,316 --> 01:02:59,942
-♪ Yeah! ♪
-[vocalizing]
1038
01:03:01,944 --> 01:03:06,574
[woman] ♪ Reaching out for dreams
Just like me ♪
1039
01:03:07,617 --> 01:03:10,620
♪ Reaching through the darkness ♪
1040
01:03:10,703 --> 01:03:15,374
♪ Glorious as a daybreak is ♪
1041
01:03:16,083 --> 01:03:20,463
♪ Just like Him
Ringing through the darkness ♪
1042
01:03:20,546 --> 01:03:22,006
[man rapping] ♪ Hey, yo
Scriptures I spit ♪
1043
01:03:22,089 --> 01:03:23,800
♪ They be glossy in nature ♪
1044
01:03:23,883 --> 01:03:26,636
♪ Themes that I dream in my mind
Might save ya ♪
1045
01:03:26,719 --> 01:03:29,430
♪ I am no savior
Seen as an ambassador ♪
1046
01:03:29,514 --> 01:03:32,725
♪ And dance around the bull
With a cape like a matador ♪