Subtitles by explosiveskull
In case you were wondering
how I wound up in this farcical situation,
let me catch you up.
My name is Barbra Dolly Brennan.
My parents named me after Barbra Streisand and Dolly Parton,
their favorite singers.
I'm a cosplayer, model, blogger, and fitness goddess.
What is that, you ask?
What are you, a hermit?
It means I spend my days doing selfies, posing,
and doing endless videos of my ass doing squats.
Endless squats.
Hundreds of squats.
Thousands of squats.
You can find me at Breaking underscore Barbi.
Sounds easy but it's actually really hard.
It means that anything I do
suddenly turns into a photo shoot, a video opp,
or an opportunity for a collab.
This type of work comes with a major downside,
meeting a nice guy.
You have to be choosy, you know.
I mean, like, what if I'm seen with a guy
that doesn't even have at least 10,000 followers?
That would be unthinkable.
I have my reputation.
And then I met Jake.
250,000 followers.
Plenty of water.
Got the first aid kit in case of any emergency.
- Got bandages. - OMG, he is
- so fire. - Ointment, wet wipes.
- Food rations. - I wonder how many hash tags
I can fit into this post.
Sunscreen.
Lip ointment.
Antibacterial gel.
Flashlight.
He asked me to go hiking with him
on our first date.
I just can't even.
Antibacterial gel.
Flashlight.
Compass.
Extra battery.
Security blanket.
- He's so into this! - Rope and tackle.
Look at all those
cute things he brought.
And most importantly, a radio and GPS tracker
so we can't get lost
and we can call for help in case of an emergency.
- I - totes need a selfie.
Oh, like right now.
Selfie.
- My turn. - Jessica will be
totally jelly when she sees me with this guy.
All right, I think that's everything.
You ready?
You better believe it.
Yep.
You wanna do a last check?
We're gonna be up there for a while.
- I - have everything I need
right here, baby.
Don't need this.
Lip gloss, headset, mud mask.
And a little something for the hot tub.
I'm good.
All right, let's do this.
Did I tell her how cute she looks?
Hey, can I, can I put my keys on you?
Yeah, sure.
I'm glad you swiped right.
It's really hard to find girls that like to free-climb.
What the hell is he talking about?
Oh, my profile.
I thought free-climbing was some sort of sex thing.
Well, when the app asked for what level,
I obviously wrote expert.
Gosh.
Oh.
This is pretty hardcore, even for me.
Wait, is he serious?
I thought we were gonna take some cute selfies
and go back to his place.
We could've started with something simpler,
but I mean, I'm sure at your level this is a piece of cake.
Way to go, Barbs.
You're gonna get yourself killed.
Was that a pterodactyl?
OMG, I'm so gonna die.
I mean, anything can happen out there.
I can be eaten by a bear, fall of a cliff,
butt-raped by aliens, dragged away by wolves, anything!
Let's go.
And I just got these shoes.
Ugh, just look at that butt.
He definitely doesn't skip leg day.
Totally worth it.
No sweat.
- I - hope he eats pineapple.
Aw, that's so sweet.
She's going slow and waiting for me.
Aw, he's so sweet.
OMG, it is pineapple!
Mm!
- I - can't wait to invite her
to my mansion in Hawaii.
This isn't so bad,
but I could totally go for a latte right now.
You know, I'm gonna slow down
and let her get ahead of me,
so if she falls I can catch her.
Everything about her is perfect.
I hope there's a Starbucks up there
or something.
- I - can see myself spending
the rest of my life with this girl.
Phew, almost at the top.
Sure hope we're not going down that way.
Whew!
Jake?
There's no signal up here.
Jake?
What are you doing down there?
Ugh, there's no signal up here!
Ugh.
Maybe there's some signal,
mm, over here.
Whoa!
Jake?
Are you okay?
O!
M!
G!
Did I just kill the hottest guy ever?
I didn't know about the rock.
I mean, I didn't put the rock there.
The rock, who put the rock there?
Like, Mother Nature and stuff.
It's not my fault.
I didn't do it.
It's not me.
I would never do that.
Now I'm totally lost.
No signal, no date, no food, no water.
Didn't see this bag of dicks coming straight at my face.
This is insane!
I can't believe I'm out here.
And the worst part is I can't upload these amazing selfies.
Why don't they put cell towers out here or something?
Ugh, ugh, like, no signal anywhere.
I mean, if you're gonna be banished up here,
you're gonna wind up dead anyway soon, right?
Figures.
I bet all my friends are worried sick about me.
It's not bad.
It could be worse, right?
I mean, like, I'm getting back to nature.
I'm becoming like zen and stuff.
Ugh, my feet are killing me.
Wow, this is a great location for squat videos.
I mean, look at this place.
I can totally make so much content here.
Oh, oh no.
Oh no, oh no, oh no.
Oh god.
I hope there's like some,
some signal up here.
There's no way, oh, no way.
This is, this is not happening to me.
No, this is not happening to me right now.
Come on, signal, come on, come on!
God, oh god, this can't be!
Oh, oh, I'm not, no!
Oh!
Body, you can't do this to me right now!
Oh goodness, oh, oh, oh!
How did the savages do it?
Oh!
I'm not gonna be like a barbarian,
but I don't think I have any choice.
Oh, what am I gonna do?
Toilet paper, mm!
Leaves.
Okay, okay, maybe I could use some of these.
Right here, okay.
Now, now I need to find a spot.
Oh!
I can't wait any longer!
Oh, I need a spot, oh!
What about right here?
Yes, this looks fine.
Okay, all right.
Pants down.
Okay.
Oh, that's so good.
Woo!
Yes.
Woo!
My pants feel looser now!
Oh, I feel so cleansed.
I guess it's not such a bad day after all.
Feel so fresh.
I once saw some TV show about this guy in the woods and junk
and he would just find stuff that would help him survive.
I wish I paid attention to it,
but he was like so hot
and I really didn't understand a word he said.
Hm, I wonder if I could find him out here.
Maybe I could get a ride.
He's always got like a helicopter or something.
Ew, is that a spider?
I hate spiders!
Ugh, this place so needs a cleaning!
Where are the park maids?
Ew!
I hate this place!
I hate nature!
I wonder if this place has bears in it.
I mean, it looks like a bear place,
and if I was a bear, I'd totally hang out here.
Hey, is this where the WeHo Bear Club hangs out?
What the!
You're gonna burn in hell for what you did!
Three years cardio kickboxing!
Whoa, cool your jets, turbo.
I, uh, was looking for someone else.
Gonna need this for later.
You gonna kill some peanut butter sandwiches with that?
I lost my weapon.
I woke up and it was gone, okay?
I'm looking for someone.
Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa,
whoa whoa whoa, I totally found him like that.
He was at the bottom of the hill
and the blood and the rock was already on top of him
and I was totally gonna go down there and help him out,
but you know, I'm wearing high-heel sneakers
- and I can't go down there... - Found who?
Nobody.
Are you the police?
Police.
No.
I'm Homeland Security.
Oh.
Whew.
What happened to your head?
It's nothing.
I'm looking for someone.
Have you seen this woman?
That is the worst selfie I have ever seen.
You need to learn better angles.
You can make yourself look about 10 pounds lighter.
And you need a
filter too because I could totally see pores.
So you haven't seen her?
OMG!
You get cellphone service out here?
Who is your carrier?
Nassau.
Are they good?
Stellar.
Interstellar.
Because I can't get a single bar out here.
Are their roaming rates okay?
Astronomical, but we're subsidized.
Wow.
Excuse me.
- Hm? - Sir.
My sit rep is as follows.
Agent Vicky is still MIA.
The package is recovered.
Mm-hm.
I'm wounded but able.
The situation...
Is FUBAR.
No, no no no no no no.
No, Bogley shot down the transport.
Requesting recovery team.
They are everywhere!
Send in Agent Radcliff.
Roger that, sir.
So I'm not in trouble?
Are you an illegal alien?
Six eyes, tentacles?
I'm from Texas.
Close enough.
I can't believe you get signal out here.
I've been looking for signal for like an hour.
God, I wish I had some water or something.
You sound like you're totally choking.
Oh, do you think if I get higher up the mountain,
like I could get a signal there?
You know what?
Can I borrow your cellphone to...
Hello?
So you haven't seen her?
No!
Creepy much?
Just like I need a,
I need a new phone or something.
This one's terrible.
Hey, do you know how to
get
out of here?
I have like 3.4 million followers.
I have millions of likes, collaborations, sponsorships.
I spend all my time showing people
what a perfect and sexy life I have.
And I have no real friends.
I don't have any real friends.
I don't spend time with anyone.
All my friends are social media friends.
There is literally no one out there
that gives a damn about me.
If I don't upload for a few days,
everyone will forget I even exist,
and there is a new face already poised to take my place.
Uh-huh.
I hate Jessica!
Her makeup is always so on point!
Well, sure she looks like ass in real life
without all her filters.
Totally met her at a meetup,
and I laughed so hard when I saw her.
What a dumb hoe.
She shouldn't show her face in public
when she uses all those tricks to make her skin all flawless
and all those camera angles to make herself look all skinny.
She is a walking lie,
and I can't even post that pic of me and Jake.
R.I.P.
He was so lit.
I am so hungry.
If I don't eat something like soon,
I'll start losing all my booty gains.
Bag of dicks.
Oh, mushrooms.
Non-GMO, gluten-free, and totally organic, right?
I mean, you can't get much fresher
than straight out of the forest, right?
Smells like shiitake.
I, I wish I could look it up.
Dammit!
Well, what if I just try one?
I can always make myself throw up, right?
I'm like great at vomit.
I practiced in high school.
No way Suzie Baker was gonna be thinner than me.
That bitch.
Hm, tastes pretty good.
I'm like so paleo right now.
Just like that raw vegan place I tried last month.
Ugh, I'm like a total savage barbarian right now.
Oh!
A unicorn.
Take me to that rainbow.
Whoa!
Pretty colors!
Get out of the way!
You're gonna get yourself killed!
Do you know how to get to grandma's house?
I don't know where your grandma is.
What's wrong with you?
Did you eat something out here?
Are you hungry?
I have muffins and cookies.
Uh,
I only
eat gluten-free cookies.
Give those to your grandma.
Um...
Hey Mister Wolf, did you see what I just saw?
Was that Little Red Riding Hood?
It sure was, Barbi.
I think that was Little Red Riding Hood.
What do you think?
You're far more delicious though.
Have you seen Agent Mahoney?
Tall, bald, glasses.
The better to see me with!
They must have no vision in the pink spectrum!
They can't see pink.
Sir, I have discovered a fault in their technology.
It can change the course of our whole battle.
Alert Agent Radcliff that the aliens cannot see pink.
Oh, pretty!
Okay, I'm starting to suspect
that those were not gluten-free mushrooms,
because I haven't tripped balls like this
since that weekend freshman year in the Hamptons
when Jessica stole my first serious boyfriend.
What was his name again?
I mean, we were like totally destined to be together.
He was so rough and tough,
just like a hot barbarian.
I would've given him so many followers,
but he chose Jessica and all he got was herpes.
OMG, is that him,
what's-his-nuts?
He looks so much better in a loincloth.
Antibiotics do wonders.
Check out this cute outfit.
I have a sword, armored boobs!
Looking good, Barbi.
Hm.
This looks sharp.
This hallucination is like so lit.
That's right.
Sploosh.
You're gonna need a lot more water to put out this fire.
Mm-hm.
Man, my abs look amazing.
Why did we break up again?
I totally can't remember.
I bet she wants me.
If this gets any hotter,
I'm gonna need a boat.
Check it, uh-huh.
Call that a sword?
I'll call it anything you want.
Wait, what just happened?
BARBARIAN VOICEOVER: Mm, baby!
Wait, what?
Hail to the king.
Well this escalated quickly.
Oh, he's serious.
Maybe he means somebody back there.
Nope, just me.
Well, I didn't get all fantasy dressed up
for nothing, I guess.
And I have this sword,
so my brain must've known something like this would happen.
Gonna make her work for it.
This chick's gonna ruin my pump!
Your pump looks just fine to me.
I could totally take him.
I know what he likes.
She slapped my ass.
I kinda like it.
Oh, we're still doing this.
When did foreplay become so hard?
- I - knew I shouldn't have taken
my pre-workout pill early.
I'm so glad
I've been doing yoga classes.
They really keep me nice and loose.
I can totally hold my own.
I always could.
Not to mention I look amazing with this hand.
- I - wonder if she saw that lion
that I killed last week.
Oh, yeah.
What I love about this fantasy is that
Jessica would never look as good as I do in this.
I mean, have you seen this hotness?
Man, that's a nice loincloth.
I wonder if she's wearing underwear.
Wait, am I?
This barbarian fantasy
is so much better than the light show.
Ha, gotcha!
But that was my favorite sword.
Aw.
I'm sad.
Oh come on!
You're finished already?
But I'm not done yet!
- I - don't wanna fight you anyway.
I can get your sword.
- It's like right there. - Stupid girl.
I'll give you a hand and everything.
I'll go get it for you.
Wait, come back!
Ugh, it's like high school prom all over again
except I'm not fat anymore.
Ugh, things get rough and he goes crying to his mother.
And now it's just me left behind with a rabbit
and no batteries.
Ugh, now I remember the problem.
He's too into himself,
all pump and no go.
Jessica can totally keep him, blech.
All those muscles spending hours at the gym, for what?
And then he dumps me.
Me!
I mean, have you seen how hot I look now?
Most people would hallucinate being a superhero
or a ballerina.
Me, oh no.
What is my subconscious trying to tell me?
Worst
fantasy
ever.
Pretty.
Why'd you pop my balloons?
I'm gonna kill you, bitch!
Oh my god!
Oh my god, oh my god!
This cannot be my life!
A monster, really?
Slow down, bitch!
I'm tired!
Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa!
It's all right.
- You good? - Mm-hm.
We're good.
Okay.
Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!
Oh my god, he's swinging an ax at me!
I'm gonna kill you, bitch!
You're such a dead little bitch!
I'm gonna kill you, bitch!
Oh my god!
Where am I gonna get another balloon out here?
No!
Leave me alone!
Where am I gonna get another balloon out here?
Party supply stores for clowns!
That was crazy.
Say a command.
Call home.
- Hi, honey. - Honey, yeah.
Hey so, I just pulled over to take a quick leak.
Unbelievable.
You wouldn't believe.
There was a chick, a blonde chick,
tripping balls out in the forest,
like losing her freaking mind.
- Drugs? - Yeah yeah, I know, right?
Kids today.
I mean, ugh, kids.
Oh no, why is he chasing me!
Shh!
Ow.
What?
Oh my god!
Yes!
Oh, yes!
Oh!
No no no no no no no!
No!
No, don't die!
Fresh and clean.
Nothing like a morning shower in natural springwater.
Is this what my parents were talking about
when they lived in that hippie commune back in the '80s?
I think they wore like jogging suits or something.
Hm, something feels weird.
Were there way too many minerals in the water?
Maybe I need some lotion or something.
My neck is feeling kinda itchy.
Focus, Barbi.
It's just all in your head.
Maybe I didn't sleep off
all the effects from those mushrooms.
No, I'm definitely feeling something back there.
Where's my mirror?
Let's see.
Are those my pores?
Ugh!
I totally need some new foundation.
Maybe a waterproof one or something.
Better, I mean, not bad for the savage wild.
I wonder where I am.
I've been walking nonstop for hours.
I wish I was tracking my calories.
My calorie burn must be off the charts.
Ugh, what is this freaking itching!
Did I touch some poison ivy or something?
I have a photo shoot next week,
and if I'm still alive,
I can't have a rash I can't cover up with makeup.
Wait, what the hell is this?
Fuzzy, pointy, it's moving.
Spider.
Oh, you're awake.
Yeah.
What happened?
You slipped and fell.
Lucky I was there to catch you.
Wow.
I could've died.
Yeah, I know.
Pretty amazing, right?
Kenny Radcliff, ma'am.
Barbi Radcliff.
I mean, Brennan.
Oh, sorry, I went through your bag.
You were out of water
so I gave you a refill and some food rations.
And a ring.
You mean a ring.
OMG, OMG, OMG, it's really happening!
I'm gonna be the next Mrs. Barbi Kenny Radcliff!
I'm not gonna die alone in my house with 10 cats
who will eat my eyes after I'm dead like my mom said!
It's so beautiful!
I'm gonna get this appraised right away.
What is this, like 100 carats?
I'm so worth it.
My precious!
Take that, Jessica!
Thank you very much.
You should probably stick to the trails.
Trails?
What trails?
I'm totally lost.
In more ways than one.
- Huh? - Oh, nothing.
Are you out here alone?
Sort of.
Well if you hike that way for about a mile and a half,
you'll come across the road.
Sooner or later the ranger will come by and pick you up,
get you home.
Are you coming?
No.
I've got unfinished business.
Oh, so you go that way?
Hello?
I really need to start paying attention
when people talk to me.
It's just so rare that I actually talk to someone
face to face, you know?
It's so much easier to text them.
Hm, maybe my people skills are somehow lacking.
Like, if I listened to Kenny's directions,
maybe I'd already be home by now.
Wait, is that someone there?
Maybe they know where I am.
She looks familiar.
Where have I seen her before?
Does she do hair tutorials?
Help me!
Maybe she knows where to get signals
so I can find Kenny and swipe right.
Excuse me, excuse me.
Do you know how to get out of here?
Oh my god, what is that smell?
Oh, thank god!
Help me!
My arm is crushed!
Hey, are you okay?
Help me, I'm stuck!
What happened?
My arm's crushed, I can't move it!
Oh that looks bad.
Your dry-cleaner is never gonna get that out, honey.
I know, right?
Now can you help me?
What is that stench?
The effervescent scent of the great outdoors.
Hey, were you gonna cut your arm off?
Yeah, duh.
I can't take it anymore!
I know, right?
I would totally kill myself if I had to smell this.
What happened?
I was in a plane crash.
Didn't you see?
What plane crash?
Oh never mind.
A little help here?
Oh, sorry.
What's that?
Uh, nothing.
Don't worry about it.
Get me outta here!
Uh, hold on.
Wait, wait.
Is that a dead body?
You gotta be kidding me.
Ew!
It is a dead body!
Oh, and it looks like someone beat the crap out of it.
What happened to him?
The same thing that'll happen to you
if you don't get me out of here.
You're totally freaking me out right now.
Haven't you ever seen a dead body before?
Recently?
Uh-huh.
Who is this?
I'm gonna die here.
The dead body.
My boss.
Might've had a slight disagreement
over a small financial sum.
Hey, you can't take that, those are state secrets!
No, you can't stop me!
Cut you.
Give me it back.
I'm gonna cut you!
Give me it back!
There was a rock slide, but that came after,
and now I'm here!
Oh.
Okay. Well do you know how to get out of here?
Can you please help me already?
All right already, gosh!
It's all about you, isn't it?
Oh, there's no way I'm gonna move this.
And honey, I'm not cutting your arm off.
That would be way too messy,
and have you seen this outfit that I'm wearing?
Just get that stick over there
and use it like a lever to move the rocks.
Oh!
Will this do?
That's too heavy.
Can you please hurry it up!
All right, all right already, gosh!
That's good.
What the?
Where'd she go?
Why does this keep happening to me?
Oh god.
Why is this always so...
What was that about?
Okay, that was weird.
Hair tutorial girl just vanished into the forest
and now I'm left with a dead farting body.
It looks so familiar.
Meh, probably just my imagination.
What I need to do is center, regroup my thoughts.
I might be seeing things again.
Man, those mushrooms have some gnarly acid flashbacks.
Okay, I need to calm my mind.
I need a zen moment.
I am a woman,
hear me roar.
Okay, that was in my head, right?
Okay.
I am a woman,
hear me roar.
So much for tranquility.
And here I was thinking I could reach nirvana,
like that one time in that hot yoga class I tried.
And now we're all caught up.
I'm getting pretty good at this survival thing.
I just wish I had some pre-workout with me.
Ugh, I miss my Wow Force protein.
But look at me!
I'm getting better at this free-climbing thing.
I'm even starting to enjoy it.
I just wish I brought something
other than high heel sneakers with me,
but then this outfit would not look this cute.
I have this funny feeling
that I might've taken the long way up this mountain.
But maybe there's a signal up there!
There has got to be some signal somewhere
in this nature's bag of dicks.
This fast at cardio is the bomb!
Damn, that was the ultimate burn!
Leg day, smashed!
Oh my god, I can't breathe.
I can't breathe, I can't breathe!
Whew.
Ugh, much better.
I think I've set some of record for wearing a waist trainer.
I need a break.
That mountain was a little rough for my complexion.
I'm either gonna be glowing or
I'm gonna need some industrial strength facials
when I get out of here.
I mean,
I don't think there's any dirt left on the ground.
It's like all in my pores!
Luckily I'm prepared for this.
My Super Mega Pore Suck mud mask should do the trick.
Just need a place to sit down
and do a little spa treatment.
You know, it's all about personal care and hygiene.
Good thing I'm all alone out here.
I mean, if someone sees me like this, I would just...
Die, you faceless form of a space alien!
Whoa, whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa, it's me!
Shit.
Didn't recognize you.
Almost blew your face off.
I'm doing a little spa treatment.
Yeah. Maybe I should blow your face off.
Your pores were looking horrible back there.
I know, right?
It's all about personal care and hygiene.
What the hell are you still doing here anyway?
I told you how to get out of here.
I followed all your directions to the letter
and here I am.
We need to get out of here, now.
What are you thinking, cocktails, dancing?
No, we need ex-fill ASAP.
Are they a band, they new?
Never heard of them.
Oh Jesus.
That's not exactly a hunting rifle you got there.
No, it's not.
You mean you're not hiking or hunting?
Oh, I'm hunting.
I just hope I get it before it gets me.
What the hell, what the hell,
what the hell, what the hell!
I gotta get outta here!
I hate the outdoors!
OMG, what should I do? What do I do, what do I do,
what do I do, what do I do!
He's like an outdoorsy guy.
Wait, should I help him?
Nah, he's fine, he's fine, he's fine.
I think I'm just gonna get in the way.
Yeah, yeah yeah yeah yeah.
I'll just text him later.
He got this.
What was that?
That had to be some mutant bear lion octopus.
Six eyes, tentacles.
The water must be totally contaminated
out here or something.
My mother was right,
I am gonna die a lonely spinster!
Well at least my pores are glowing now.
Not that it matters.
Oh look, a cave!
What possible dangers can lurk inside here?
Ugh, it doesn't matter anymore anyway, does it?
I'm alone, again!
Just like my whole life!
I miss my phone!
Just holding it makes me feel better!
I'm severed from the collective!
I'm never gonna find my way out of here, am I?
There will be stories of the lonely crazy lady
who lives up in the cave in the mountains.
It'll be used to scare children at night.
I'll just stop shaving, plucking,
and just let everything go.
I'll eat pasta, doughnuts, pizza,
stop doing squats and let my abs get all flabby.
I mean, who do I need to look good for?
My whole love life has just been a mess.
All I wanted was to find a nice guy,
someone who will love me.
But who is the real me?
I'm not exactly a good person.
I mean, I just left that guy to die.
He was out there screaming,
and I just kinda ran away,
not to mention poor Jake.
I have like the worst luck ever.
Now that I've seen more of the world,
I guess it's not so important to have a million followers.
Kenny's probably some special forces black ops guy
who doesn't even have a real identity, like my dad.
He's not even online and he's still hot.
Hot guys without social media?
Is that even possible?
Poor Kenny and Jake.
OMG, does this make me like a black widow?
R.I.P.
They were so lit.
Huh?
Ah, it was a dream.
Ugh.
Oh, thank goodness.
Oh, hello room, I've missed you.
Still got it.
Mm!
Hello?
Hello, daughter of the universe.
My mom's name is Diane.
We are all children of the universe.
No need to worry.
Nothing happens randomly.
There is a divine path to everything.
We are all but stardust.
Uh-huh.
The paths you have chosen
and the decisions you've made led you here.
Uh-huh.
And what have you learned so far
from your journey, my child?
Not to wear high-heeled sneakers while hiking.
Well, that's a start.
But what have you learned with your heart?
Not to lie on my dating profile.
Closer.
Think beyond here.
I don't know.
I've seen some ratchet shit out there.
You have questions.
Yeah, how do I get out of here?
Excellent question.
The body is just a mortal coil
that we're all trapped in.
But if you free your mind,
it will flow with the energy of the universe.
I can teach you ancient techniques.
No, no, I mean how do I get out of here?
Oh, oh, do you get bars in here?
No.
Ask yourself deeper questions.
Oh, you mean like meaningful questions.
Yes, exactly.
Ask, my child.
How is Jessica getting all her followers?
She's buying her likes, isn't she?
Oh my god.
Is she real?
Let me tell you a secret.
The ultimate answer you're looking for,
it will end your search
and will take you to a new level of consciousness.
Space time will come together, and your
- questions will be answered. - Huh?
For example, when the ancient gods came down
in their flying chariots
and seeded mankind with their DNA,
the aliens never left.
They're still here.
Touchy-feely Chuck, Bob, and Steve tried to help,
but accidentally caused the disco era
and the porn industry.
Then there are the lizard people.
Total assholes!
Homeland Security was founded to keep them in check.
They created the internet
to distract the people from what's really going on.
And that is the secret wisdom
that only a few chosen have ever been given.
The knowledge will alter the very fabric of the universe
and free your mind of enslavement.
Yeah, I'm gonna go now.
What a weirdo.
What, really?
Looks like I picked the wrong day to stop sniffing glue.
Oh my god, what is wrong with me?
Why am I such a perv?
That guy had super important junk to say.
Do I need help?
O.M.G.
- Barbi? - Jessica?
What are you doing here?
I didn't know you hiked these trails.
Are you totally copying me?
Wait a minute, what trails?
The trail that's like 10 feet that way.
What?
I come here every day.
How do you think I get those inspirational selfies?
You get those here?
Yeah.
Bag of dicks.
Wow.
You're wearing that?
Brave choice.
So, where have you been?
You haven't like uploaded in like two days.
People think you're dead.
Yeah.
There's like Where's Barbi memes all over the web.
Really?
I was here.
Here?
Like here?
For two days?
Yeah, I was totally lost.
No way!
Shut up, shut up!
You were here, lost for two days?
What about the internets?
Well, I had no signal,
and then naturally, my cellphone died.
You poor thing.
But thanks.
Now that you're gone,
everyone has dropped your feed,
and I'm the number one new selfie queen.
You snooze you lose.
Bitch!
I totally knew that you were stealing my followers
and paying for subscribers.
Whatever.
I just have so many companies wanting to do collabs with me.
I'm making so much money.
Good luck making a comeback.
At least my followers were real.
Aw, you're just a sore loser.
And by the way,
you look like you haven't been doing your squats.
Your ass is looking flat.
Jesus, Barbi.
You get lost in the woods for two days
and you just let everything go.
Ugh!
Burn!
It burns!
Burn.
Yeah, burn.
Tss!
Too bad you didn't have that burn to keep you warm
when you slept here for the past two nights.
Throwing some bad shade, girl.
Here's more.
Are you wearing your waist trainer?
Mm, no.
You should be.
You're looking a little soft.
Have you been skipping ab day too?
- I was... - Oh well.
Good luck.
I still can't believe you got lost out here for two days.
There are like trails everywhere.
You're such a basic, Barbi.
Laters!
Oh my god, guys, guess what?
I totally just ran into this homeless girl.
Look at her, right there.
She tried to mug me!
Like what the eff?
Hash tag real life.
I'm not kidding, people.
Like this happened, right here, right now.
What the heck?
I don't even have like a, a knife on me or anything,
I don't.
Oh my god, she's looking frantic.
I mean, look at her, she's in a pink jacket.
Like, I don't even know what she's doing out here.
- Bag of dicks! - She tried to steal from me.
Like, what?
Wait.
Where's that trail?
It was right there.
She pointed to it and everything.
Where did it go?
I'm gonna die out here, I swear.
I'm totally gonna die out here.
How is this possible?
What?
Well, that's it,
I'm officially a has-been.
Dead to the world.
She's won.
I'm done, it's over.
Jessica has finally got what she wanted and replaced me.
I might as well go back to the cave
and party with Red Riding Hood and hair tutorial girl.
I'll marry butter knife guy
and we'll have little cave-dwelling monks together.
Maybe we'll get a reality show!
The Brennans!
Hey, is that Kenny?
He's still alive?
Does that mean I'm not a black widow?
Oh hey, you again.
Are you okay?
It's dangerous.
You need to leave, now!
Obviously.
What the hell is going on?
Every time I see you it's some new shit.
That looks disgusting.
What happened to your leg!
It's classified.
I could tell you, but I'd have to kill you.
Which at this point might not be a bad idea.
Ugh, doesn't matter, I'm already dead.
Fine.
I work for a government agency
that deals with extraterrestrial allies.
Oh, you mean those three little gray guys in the forest?
I thought I was totally tripping balls.
You met Chuck, Bob, and Steve?
I think so, maybe.
Does it hurt when you sit?
A little.
Yeah.
I think back on their planet that means you're married.
Oh, ew!
No way!
Ugh!
Wait, hold on a second,
if they're friendly, why are you fighting them?
No, I'm not fighting them.
Chuck, Bob, and Steve are great guys.
A little touchy-feely, but still great guys.
I'm fighting the other guys.
What other guys?
The eat your face off acid for blood
world domination ones.
Look, there's a lot of shit going on here,
but I don't have time to tell you all that right now.
Uh, yeah.
Wait!
What am I doing?
I can't just leave him again!
He's saved my ass like three times already!
This might be the perfect opportunity
for me to actually do something good!
It's not like I have anything else to live for.
I have to change my goals from taking the best selfies
to making the world a better place!
From this day forth,
I'll never again take a box of doughnuts to Weight Watchers!
I'll never watch another house full of kittens burn down!
I will never again sell Ziploc bags full of corn syrup
as breast implants to cancer survivors on the Dark Web.
I will never again donate my parents' used sex toys
to children's charity.
I will never again sell orphans into slavery!
I will never again set the homeless on fire just for lulz!
I will not sit by and watch another old lady
get dragged off by coyotes.
Never again!
And I will never, ever eat anything
that doesn't say gluten-free!
If only I had my eyes open.
Not always staring at my phone!
Paid more attention!
What am I missing?
There is so much more to this world
than what I see on that tiny screen.
I'm gonna make amends for all the things I did wrong.
Somehow, I will take responsibility for my actions.
I will make the world a better place.
It's time for me
to finally grab that bag of dicks by the balls.
And I start now!
Are you okay?
My leg's pointed in three different directions.
I wish that beam put me together a little bit straighter.
Ow!
Oh, easy kid.
Where'd you learn to shoot like that?
I'm from Texas.
My dad was a Marine,
and my granny has a bigger gun than yours.
This is gonna hurt.
Are you sure you know what you're doing?
Um, nah.
Thanks.
Looks ratchet.
What the hell are you doing?
Taking off a waist trainer.
What the hell are you gonna do with that?
Won't fit my waist.
It's steel-boned.
Oh you've gotta be kidding me.
I am not kidding you.
Pink is not my color.
It's gonna have to work for now.
There was a girl in a suit in the forest
stuck under a rock.
Do you know what happened to her?
Um, yeah, it's kinda messy.
Um, rogue double agent, Homeland Security,
stole something very valuable.
You haven't seen a briefcase around here, have you?
You mean this?
Um, yeah, that's, uh,
that's definitely it.
Thanks.
Um, this looks pretty good.
Can you move?
Yeah, I can move.
I can't dance, but I can move.
You know, you're pretty good at this.
You ever considered a career in government work?
Could use someone with your skills,
but you'd have to leave your old life behind.
Well, I've been offline for two days,
so everybody already thinks I'm dead.
We can give you a cool code name like, uh,
Ronan.
Oh, samurai with no master.
I like it.
Oh that's actually just the name
of my favorite sushi joint down in Soho,
but I like what you said too.
Hey, Chuck, Bob, and Steve,
why aren't they helping you fight the bad guys?
No, those guys are lovers, not fighters,
but they make great tech.
Here, hold this.
Yeah, need immediate extraction.
You talk to your MP3 player?
You know, you're, you're kinda cute.
Welcome to your new life.
Take us up.
Hey, hey, there's my car!
No no no, you guys can just drop me off here.
Thanks!
Wow, not bad for a long weekend.
Three husbands, and Kenny's kinda cute.
I'm sure Chuck, Bob, and Steve are gonna be totally chill
with me seeing other people.
If it's outside the solar system,
it probably doesn't count, right?
So much for being a spinster.
I can't wait to go home and take a nice shower.
Oh, wait.
I need my keys, duh.
Where did I put those?
Gotta be in here somewhere.
I left them right here.
Oh no.
Where did I leave them last?
Hey, can I, can I put my keys on you?
Yeah, sure.
OMG, that's right.
Bag of dick!
You're right, after all that.
I had a spaceship,
and now I have to take the bus.
Worst
weekend
ever.
Whoa!
As if I haven't had enough, I lose my keys too.
What kind of freaking world is this?
Haven't I had enough of this world?
This is terrible.
What am I gonna do now?
Oh my god, grandma.
What are you doing here?
Get in the car.
Oh my god!
Thank you so much!
You have no idea what I've just been through
for the last two days!
Well not anymore, you're okay now.
Yes, thank you!
Yay!
Subtitles by explosiveskull