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- Synced and corrected by Firefly -
- www.addic7ed.com -
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Please welcome
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Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth
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and the guest of honor,
the American President,
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Donald Trump.
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Wow, the two royal
families together at last!
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We have so much in common...
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inherited wealth, sexual perversion.
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Let's get this out of the way...
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yes, I said Meghan Markle is "nasty".
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In my defense,
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every time I'm about to be
a guest in someone's house,
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I get into a public feud
with their granddaughter.
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This suit is tight.
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I'm gonna have to peck my way
out of it like a baby chick.
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Today, I am honored
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to sit next to the late,
great Barbara Bush.
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This is just like my semester abroad,
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only I haven't tried to
Amanda Knox my roommate.
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Happy 75th D-Day anniversary, everyone.
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To celebrate, we're grabbin'
our sunscreen and big umbrellas
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and headin' to Omaha Beach.
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Try to ignore Stephen Miller,
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who will be honoring the
fallen on the other side.
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Ohh, I'm so fucking hot.
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We won't be honoring John McCain,
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who refused to fight in World War II
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because of the lame excuse
that he was a toddler.
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Thank you to my advance
team for throwing tarps
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over all the gravestones
with the name "John"
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so I don't get grumpy
and have a bad beach day.
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They're gonna have to cut me out
of this suit over several hours
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so I don't get the bends.
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I'm so jet-lagged!
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I just wanna go back
to the hotel and sleep!
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I'll be back in time for the luau!
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For the last time... there's no luau!
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Ugh! This vacation sucks!
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So let's toast to our
nations' eternal friendship
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as we live out this scene from
a 1980s R-rated comedy called...
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I don't know... Boner-In-Chief.
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Uh-oh.
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That drink had a bubble. Hit the deck!
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- Oh.
- Oh! That is so much better.
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Uh-oh, here come the bends!
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Aah! Klobuchar!
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♪ Three white people on a couch ♪
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♪ It's Fox & Friends ♪
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The Midwest was starving
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- before I signed legislation...
- Right.
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... to make chickens
the size of mailboxes.
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- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah, right, right.
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And not the blue mailboxes either...
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- Okay.
- ... the weird locked mailboxes
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- next to the blue ones...
- Sure.
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... that the mailman hides his lunch
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- and nighttime clothes inside. Y...
- Okay.
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Good news... Mr. President Trump
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is about to break his record
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for longest uninterrupted call-in ever!
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They're installing suicide nets
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outside the closed-caption
office as we speak!
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And it's not just the Mexicans
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that are pouring over our borders...
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- Go off, girl!
- It's the Portuguese, too,
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but I don't see Jim
Acosta reporting on them.
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Jim Acosta is an old family friend,
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but now I hate his guts!
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I say we drop the big one on Portugal.
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What? What is he talking about?
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Let's nuke Jim Acosta,
too! If he's in Portugal,
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we can do a two-for-one
and save on shipping.
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So, if you want to grow
an extra arm this weekend,
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head downwind from Portugal!
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Does President Trump's nuclear threat
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mean he has gone full-on cuckoo bananas?
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A new poll shows 80% of
Americans describe him
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as "... unstable as a college freshman
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who drags his mattress off the bed frame
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and sleeps in the closet."
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Here to comment is Democratic
presidential candidate
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Senator Elizabeth Warren.
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Chuck, the President's erratic behavior
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poses a threat to the entire world,
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and that is not some
buttonedup senator talking
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it's laid-back,
beer-swillin' Lizzy Warren.
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Wow, that is warm.
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Or, could this be Trump's first move
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in a nine-dimensional chess game?
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- Absolutely not.
- Well, only time will tell.
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No, Chuck, he's dangerous.
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Only time will tell. Thank you, Senator.
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Geez, everyone's calling me a whack job
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just because I
threatened to nuke Norway.
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Portugal, sir.
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We know I'm not a details guy.
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- Oh, no, no, no, no!
- The rapture is upon us!
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I can't wait to spend eternity in Heaven
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sorting buttons with Karen Pence!
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Relax, Rapture Randy.
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I just ordered a little
ballistic-missile test
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to make sure the seat
of Jim Acosta's pants
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stays coated in pee-pee.
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Whatever color pills you ate
today, eat a different color,
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or it's 25th Amendment time!
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Is that the one where you
have to say if you're a cop?
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It's the one where we
yank you out of office
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for acting like a loony toon.
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So someone grounded and
rational like Mike Pence
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- becomes president.
- I understand, God.
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I still have more
buttons to sort on Earth.
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Cheerio.
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Leaders around the globe
held an emergency summit
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to discuss President Trump's
threat to annihilate Portugal.
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We've obtained audio from
the closed-door meeting...
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The European Union will act decisively
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to neutralize this tyrant!
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We take the whole
"ranting mad-man" thing
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pretty seriously here
in Germany, you know.
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Oh, come on, he misspoke!
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Isn't Trump allowed one mistake?
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No matter who I threaten,
Dr. Ronny, I just can't win!
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They've got it wrong...
I'm a very stable genius!
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According to my Brain-O-Meter,
class-action lawsuit pending,
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your brain waves are pulsating
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at 720 kilowhirls per miliyear.
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And that's good, right?
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Oh, off the charts, kilowhirl-wise.
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I knew it! Just give me a doctor's note
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saying I'm not a danger
to myself or others,
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or I'll do something
real bad to both of us.
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So why did you threaten Portugal, sir?
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I was just doing some
thermonuclear free association
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with my Fox & Friends, and it stuck.
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Now I have to do it or no
one will take me seriously,
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and if no one takes me seriously,
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I'll have to blow up the whole world.
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Sounds reasonable to me, and
I live in the back of a car.
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Bill Shine! Aren't you supposed to be
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getting the President
re-elected in perpetuity?
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I took a long lunch
because this is important...
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when I worked at Fox News,
I championed you guys.
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- Hell, I made you who you are.
- We're your Frankenstein!
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Uh, Frankenstein was the scientist.
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- Godzilla was the monster.
- Shut up, Kilmeade.
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Now my loyalty is to the White House,
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so I need you three to stop
driving the President crazy.
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Oh, stop... he's no crazier
than our loyal viewers.
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They adore us so much, they
send 40-page love letters
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written in their own fluids.
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- Awww!
- Awww!
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Just make the show a little more gentle
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until the President stops
trying to kill all of us
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and goes back to trying
to kill some of us.
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Daddy, we're here because we care deeply
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about not getting irradiated.
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Thanks for your concern, but
I got this note from Dr. Ronny
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saying my brain cholesterol
is at an all-time good,
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so I'm perfectly capable
of running the planet.
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Anyway, we asked someone
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who actually cares
about you to join us...
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- Hey, Donald!
- Putin?
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Yeah, buddy, look,
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I'm all for unprovoked military force,
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but if it's on the same day
you appoint a Terry Fator puppet
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to the United Nations, it
makes people a little jumpy.
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Terry Fator's puppets
are notorious instigators.
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Not exactly the right
temperament for the U.N.
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There you go, sort of.
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Bill Shine wants gentle and cerebral?
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This is Fox & Friends... not PBS.
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Nobody watches us to chill out...
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they watch us to hear how Ocasio-Cortez
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is personally stealing
land from white Africans!
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There is something to be said
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for the slow, methodical world-building
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of a PBS costume drama.
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Slow... methodical...
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what the hell are you
talking about, Brian?
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I wrote some scripts.
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Never mind. They're stupid.
You don't want to see them.
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- Of course we don't!
- Fine, here they are.
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I don't know about this...
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Whoa, I get to wear a
big, tall hat? I'm in!
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Me too! Mostly because,
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if I disagree with you guys,
you'll ignore me anyway!
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Daddy! You said you'd stop
these missile tests! God!
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They scare the shit
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out of people who are
less brave than me!
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Listen, I made a promise to
someone... I forgot who...
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that I'd blow up Portugal...
I'm not sure why...
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and I'm not about to embarrass myself
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in front of whoever for
whatever reason that was.
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Daddy... where's Eric? You were
supposed to give him a bath!
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You said to wait for you, s-so I did.
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His nuts are so small and wrinkly, Dad!
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They'll never be normal nuts again!
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Relax... Anyone could have forgotten
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their screaming adult son in the bath.
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Daddy... what if it had
been someone you care about?
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00:07:52,594 --> 00:07:54,427
Someone... like me?
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Oh, my God. My children.
My one good children.
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Please, Daddy, let us help
you make your brain good again.
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For the country,
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00:08:02,923 --> 00:08:05,487
so it'll trust you enough
to steal all its money.
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00:08:05,512 --> 00:08:08,212
And for Eric, whose nuts art in Heaven.
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00:08:08,237 --> 00:08:11,028
Let's do it. Not just for Eric's nuts,
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00:08:11,053 --> 00:08:13,002
but the whole country's nuts.
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00:08:13,027 --> 00:08:14,159
- Cool!
- Yay!
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00:08:15,955 --> 00:08:18,923
Come back if you
need c-cold, dirty water!
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00:08:22,197 --> 00:08:24,764
Kids, we all know that
the best way to prove
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00:08:24,789 --> 00:08:27,189
someone is competent,
sane, and trustworthy is...
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Prime-time televised game show!
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Exactly! In one week's time,
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00:08:31,345 --> 00:08:34,618
I'm gonna show the country,
live, on network TV,
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00:08:34,643 --> 00:08:37,385
that my brain is more
functional than Ronald Reagan's
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00:08:37,410 --> 00:08:39,087
the day he left office.
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00:08:39,112 --> 00:08:41,012
I'm thinking my doctor
who lives in a car
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00:08:41,037 --> 00:08:43,394
tests me in front of a billion
Americans, and we call it...
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00:08:43,419 --> 00:08:44,504
Big Brain Showdown!
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00:08:44,529 --> 00:08:47,029
With a special
performance by Jamiroquai.
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00:08:47,054 --> 00:08:48,191
Love it. At the end,
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00:08:48,216 --> 00:08:50,517
Dr. Ronny will smash my
brain with a sledgehammer
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00:08:50,542 --> 00:08:52,967
and, if it puffs back up
with a big boing sound,
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00:08:52,992 --> 00:08:54,713
everyone will know I'm fine.
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00:08:54,738 --> 00:08:57,071
I'll check to make sure
Jamiroquai isn't touring.
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00:08:57,096 --> 00:08:59,763
Ivanka, I really hope he's not touring.
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Three white people in a house...
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It's Friendship Manor.
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00:09:14,286 --> 00:09:16,727
Lady Ainsleyhardt, have
you readied the dining room
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00:09:16,752 --> 00:09:18,993
for this evening's repaste? R-Re-past?
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00:09:19,018 --> 00:09:21,055
Yes, I have left ample space
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00:09:21,080 --> 00:09:24,915
between the Duke of Winshire
and the Marquess of Aberdingle.
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00:09:24,940 --> 00:09:27,813
And have you considered
my proposal of marriage?
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00:09:27,838 --> 00:09:31,228
It would secure Friendship
Manor for generations to come.
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00:09:31,253 --> 00:09:32,620
I have, Lord Doocifus.
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It's just that my heart
belongs to another...
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This is extremely my shit.
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00:09:43,316 --> 00:09:45,417
We need to make sure you actually win
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00:09:45,442 --> 00:09:46,808
Big Brain Showdown,
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00:09:46,833 --> 00:09:50,202
so let's exercise that
noggin with a brain teaser.
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00:09:50,227 --> 00:09:52,260
After my divorce, I found solace
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00:09:52,285 --> 00:09:55,085
in the ancient practice of mindfulness.
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00:09:55,110 --> 00:09:58,009
Okay, a murderer is
condemned to death...
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00:09:58,034 --> 00:09:59,920
Biased judge, activist court,
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00:09:59,945 --> 00:10:01,768
appeal it till it gets
to Kavanaugh's desk.
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00:10:01,793 --> 00:10:04,394
- Solved it.
- Daddy! Hold on! I wasn't done!
248
00:10:04,419 --> 00:10:08,242
Now just close your eyes and
let your thoughts drift away.
249
00:10:08,267 --> 00:10:10,099
Whooooosh.
250
00:10:10,201 --> 00:10:12,235
Whoo...
251
00:10:12,260 --> 00:10:14,427
Oh, shit! I swallowed a bug!
252
00:10:14,452 --> 00:10:16,786
Now a bug's gonna grow in my stomach.
253
00:10:16,811 --> 00:10:19,012
Get it out before it
goes through puberty!
254
00:10:19,037 --> 00:10:23,423
As punishment, the murderer has
to enter one of three rooms...
255
00:10:23,448 --> 00:10:26,782
one with assassins, one that's on fire,
256
00:10:26,807 --> 00:10:30,076
and one with lions who
haven't eaten in years.
257
00:10:30,101 --> 00:10:31,798
Wait, are the lions tigers?
258
00:10:31,823 --> 00:10:34,290
Of course! Actually, wait. Are they?
259
00:10:34,315 --> 00:10:36,793
Sir, the United Nations Security Council
260
00:10:36,818 --> 00:10:38,227
has been on hold for three days.
261
00:10:38,252 --> 00:10:39,351
What should I tell them?
262
00:10:39,376 --> 00:10:40,909
We're doing something!
263
00:10:40,934 --> 00:10:43,924
So I just pull on that thing
in the back of your throat
264
00:10:43,949 --> 00:10:45,723
- until you barf the bug?
- Uh-huh.
265
00:10:45,748 --> 00:10:47,814
Back at Wharton, my
buddy Brench taught me
266
00:10:47,839 --> 00:10:48,905
that's the "vom-cord".
267
00:10:48,930 --> 00:10:51,531
Hello, zoo? Are lions tigers?
268
00:10:51,556 --> 00:10:54,329
Ask him if lions are
tigers. I am. Shut up!
269
00:10:54,354 --> 00:10:55,420
Uh-huh...
270
00:10:55,445 --> 00:10:56,945
Oh...
271
00:10:56,970 --> 00:10:58,607
But how do you know?
272
00:10:58,632 --> 00:11:00,332
- They don't know.
- I knew it!
273
00:11:00,357 --> 00:11:02,358
Ask them if donkeys are horses.
274
00:11:02,383 --> 00:11:04,014
Shut up, Pompeo!
275
00:11:04,039 --> 00:11:06,206
Actually, that's a good question.
276
00:11:08,794 --> 00:11:11,682
- Do you feel anything?
- Almost!
277
00:11:11,707 --> 00:11:13,207
All right, I'm gonna...
278
00:11:13,232 --> 00:11:14,865
I'm grab... I got something. Hold it.
279
00:11:16,277 --> 00:11:18,333
Everything okay over there?
280
00:11:18,358 --> 00:11:20,391
Yeah, just doing some mediation.
281
00:11:22,091 --> 00:11:24,058
I love you too, Kilmington.
282
00:11:24,083 --> 00:11:27,226
Even if you are a penniless
footman with rotten teeth.
283
00:11:27,251 --> 00:11:29,722
Then there is something
I must show you...
284
00:11:31,190 --> 00:11:34,694
The will of my uncle, Count Friendship!
285
00:11:34,719 --> 00:11:36,955
Wasn't that destroyed
in the orphanage fire?
286
00:11:36,980 --> 00:11:37,986
Shh!
287
00:11:38,011 --> 00:11:40,743
But that was destroyed
in the orphanage fire!
288
00:11:40,768 --> 00:11:42,693
- What'd I say? Knew it.
- Shut the fuck up!
289
00:11:42,718 --> 00:11:46,671
I found it in Doocifus's
chambers, and there's more...
290
00:11:46,696 --> 00:11:49,051
Doocifus is not your cousin.
291
00:11:49,076 --> 00:11:50,252
He is...
292
00:11:50,277 --> 00:11:54,523
Mister Doonces of 49
Poorman's Lane, Coventry.
293
00:11:54,548 --> 00:11:56,281
So you've found me out, have you?
294
00:11:56,306 --> 00:11:58,555
But if he's not really
my cousin, then...
295
00:11:58,580 --> 00:12:00,701
Then you, Lady Ainsleyhardt,
296
00:12:00,726 --> 00:12:04,461
are the true heir to Friendship Manor...
297
00:12:04,486 --> 00:12:06,491
- Whoooooaaaa.
- Whoooooaaaa.
298
00:12:07,740 --> 00:12:10,038
I think Dad's swamp
brain might be cured.
299
00:12:10,063 --> 00:12:11,413
He helped me barf up a bug.
300
00:12:11,438 --> 00:12:13,943
And he helped me get
that dumb zoo guy fired.
301
00:12:13,968 --> 00:12:16,147
He's gonna be so psyched
that he didn't have to visit
302
00:12:16,172 --> 00:12:17,179
an actual mental-health professional.
303
00:12:17,203 --> 00:12:18,221
Now answer me this...
304
00:12:18,245 --> 00:12:21,013
what has Europe ever done for us?!
305
00:12:21,038 --> 00:12:24,225
Drag them, Hannity!
306
00:12:24,250 --> 00:12:27,017
As far as I'm concerned,
Christopher Columbus
307
00:12:27,042 --> 00:12:29,991
wasn't even born till he got to America!
308
00:12:30,016 --> 00:12:31,649
Tell Spain to lean the other way
309
00:12:31,674 --> 00:12:34,180
because it's Portugal nuke time, baby!
310
00:12:34,205 --> 00:12:36,866
This is the problem, Dad.
TV makes you nuttier
311
00:12:36,891 --> 00:12:40,192
than the 23-year-old high-school
kid in my two-man fight club.
312
00:12:40,217 --> 00:12:41,850
Sorry, Daddy, but the TVs
313
00:12:41,875 --> 00:12:44,073
are going straight into "insinkerator".
314
00:12:44,098 --> 00:12:45,107
Fine, take it.
315
00:12:45,132 --> 00:12:47,188
Whatever Fox & Friends
is doing these days
316
00:12:47,213 --> 00:12:50,228
- is extremely not my shit.
- Get some rest.
317
00:12:50,253 --> 00:12:52,569
Tomorrow, you have to
prove to the American people
318
00:12:52,594 --> 00:12:56,384
that you're as with it as a
72-year-old speed-freak can be.
319
00:12:56,409 --> 00:12:57,609
Hello?
320
00:12:57,633 --> 00:12:59,866
I think I'm clean now!
321
00:13:01,983 --> 00:13:05,259
"I love Lady Ainsleyhardt's
indomibibble spirit."
322
00:13:05,284 --> 00:13:08,219
It's just nice getting fan mail
that doesn't refer to my womb
323
00:13:08,244 --> 00:13:10,285
as an essential weapon in the race war.
324
00:13:10,310 --> 00:13:12,835
"Doocifus is bae"? I don't
know what that means,
325
00:13:12,860 --> 00:13:15,282
but it ends in "e", so it's okay by me.
326
00:13:15,307 --> 00:13:17,417
Brian, how do you write
these genius scripts?
327
00:13:17,442 --> 00:13:19,526
I installed some beams in my house
328
00:13:19,551 --> 00:13:21,581
and got the feet and inches mixed up,
329
00:13:21,606 --> 00:13:23,527
so every night I run full steam
330
00:13:23,552 --> 00:13:26,853
into a piece of gorgeous,
varnished cherry-wood.
331
00:13:26,878 --> 00:13:29,278
And when I come to, there's a "scrimpt".
332
00:13:29,303 --> 00:13:31,969
Wow, this one's signed
"Barack and Michelle".
333
00:13:31,994 --> 00:13:34,978
And this one is from
the Peabody Foundation!
334
00:13:35,003 --> 00:13:37,613
Guys, you got to feel
how thick this paper is.
335
00:13:37,638 --> 00:13:39,449
Ooh!
336
00:13:39,474 --> 00:13:42,177
I think it might be five
slices stuck together.
337
00:13:43,169 --> 00:13:45,121
Ohh, it's not!
338
00:13:46,737 --> 00:13:50,093
Daddy, it's almost time for
your Big Brain Showdown.
339
00:13:50,118 --> 00:13:51,894
Remember... it's called underwear
340
00:13:51,919 --> 00:13:54,620
because you "wear" it when
you're "under" the sky!
341
00:13:54,645 --> 00:13:57,633
Let's go show this country
how coherent I can be
342
00:13:57,658 --> 00:14:00,029
for a short amount
of time on television.
343
00:14:00,904 --> 00:14:03,205
Welcome to The Big Brain Showdown.
344
00:14:03,230 --> 00:14:05,707
The only show where we
test how healthy, buff,
345
00:14:05,732 --> 00:14:08,243
and whisper-quiet the
President's brain is.
346
00:14:08,268 --> 00:14:10,196
I'm your host, Dr. Ronny.
347
00:14:10,221 --> 00:14:11,813
Let's meet our contestant.
348
00:14:11,838 --> 00:14:13,405
Born in Queens,
349
00:14:13,430 --> 00:14:17,038
Donald John Trump's colon has the
same microbial biodiversity
350
00:14:17,063 --> 00:14:18,887
as an escalator handrail.
351
00:14:18,912 --> 00:14:22,080
Tonight, he's playing for the
trust of the American people
352
00:14:22,105 --> 00:14:23,792
and his favorite charity,
353
00:14:23,817 --> 00:14:26,078
Eric's Home for Hypothermic Men.
354
00:14:26,302 --> 00:14:28,941
The showdown consists of 25 questions
355
00:14:28,966 --> 00:14:31,613
that test the memory,
logic, and reasoning skills
356
00:14:31,638 --> 00:14:32,638
of the President.
357
00:14:32,663 --> 00:14:36,231
Seven or more correct answers
will be considered an A++.
358
00:14:36,310 --> 00:14:37,310
Let's begin.
359
00:14:38,798 --> 00:14:40,598
Marcus Aurelius once said,
360
00:14:40,623 --> 00:14:43,691
"The soul becomes dyed with
the color of its thoughts."
361
00:14:43,716 --> 00:14:44,782
Name a color.
362
00:14:44,807 --> 00:14:46,106
Strawberry.
363
00:14:46,451 --> 00:14:47,851
Correct.
364
00:14:47,876 --> 00:14:49,256
What song is this?
365
00:14:49,281 --> 00:14:53,098
"Jingle bells, jingle bells,
jingle all the way."
366
00:14:53,123 --> 00:14:54,288
Jingy Bells.
367
00:14:54,313 --> 00:14:55,801
Judges.
368
00:14:55,826 --> 00:14:57,693
We'll accept Jingy Bells.
369
00:14:57,809 --> 00:14:59,442
- John Elway.
- Correct.
370
00:14:59,467 --> 00:15:02,141
Blair, Jo, Natalie,
Tootie, and Mrs. Garrett.
371
00:15:02,166 --> 00:15:03,197
Correct.
372
00:15:03,222 --> 00:15:05,142
And Godzilla was the monster.
373
00:15:05,167 --> 00:15:07,107
- Correct.
- He was brought back to life
374
00:15:07,132 --> 00:15:09,403
- when Trinity confessed her love.
- Correct.
375
00:15:09,428 --> 00:15:10,582
- Nine.
- Correct.
376
00:15:10,607 --> 00:15:12,810
- No, wait. 42,000.
- Correct.
377
00:15:12,835 --> 00:15:15,323
They were being held in the
basement of Comet Ping Pong!
378
00:15:15,348 --> 00:15:16,348
Correct.
379
00:15:16,373 --> 00:15:19,689
Marry Kissinger, Fuck
McNamara, Kill Nixon.
380
00:15:19,714 --> 00:15:20,714
Judges?
381
00:15:20,739 --> 00:15:21,740
Correct.
382
00:15:21,765 --> 00:15:23,779
And now your final question...
383
00:15:23,804 --> 00:15:26,854
Who's a big, loud boy
with a big, healthy brain?
384
00:15:26,879 --> 00:15:29,082
Uh... me?
385
00:15:29,107 --> 00:15:30,915
Well, let's just say...
386
00:15:30,939 --> 00:15:33,504
... we will reveal the
results after this break.
387
00:15:33,529 --> 00:15:36,363
They always do this.
388
00:15:36,388 --> 00:15:40,043
Hi, I'm Mike Lindell, CEO of My Pillow,
389
00:15:40,068 --> 00:15:42,969
the most comfortable
pillow you'll ever own.
390
00:15:42,994 --> 00:15:44,171
Have you ever thought that
391
00:15:44,196 --> 00:15:46,292
something that was perfectly fine
392
00:15:46,317 --> 00:15:48,150
should be different somehow?
393
00:15:48,175 --> 00:15:49,876
Then buy my pillow.
394
00:15:49,901 --> 00:15:53,892
I could never get a restful
sleep because of my pillow,
395
00:15:53,917 --> 00:15:54,981
so one night,
396
00:15:55,006 --> 00:15:58,108
I chucked a brick through a
high-school home-ec window,
397
00:15:58,133 --> 00:16:00,420
ripped the sewing machine off the bolts,
398
00:16:00,445 --> 00:16:03,256
and stitched together
the American dream.
399
00:16:03,281 --> 00:16:06,449
Call now, or maybe I'll call you!
400
00:16:06,474 --> 00:16:07,827
Welcome back.
401
00:16:07,852 --> 00:16:09,719
I know a lot of hypothermic men
402
00:16:09,744 --> 00:16:11,482
who will be very happy tonight.
403
00:16:11,507 --> 00:16:14,010
Mr. President, you
are mentally competent.
404
00:16:15,126 --> 00:16:16,892
- Yay, Daddy!
- Yay! Ugh!
405
00:16:16,917 --> 00:16:18,563
I swallowed some confetti.
406
00:16:18,588 --> 00:16:20,254
Ivanka! Pull my vom-cord!
407
00:16:21,771 --> 00:16:24,453
Was last night's Big Brain
Showdown a success?
408
00:16:24,478 --> 00:16:26,512
The EU released a
statement saying, quote,
409
00:16:26,537 --> 00:16:28,743
"We take comfort that his
family is occupying him
410
00:16:28,768 --> 00:16:30,301
with a make-believe game show."
411
00:16:31,676 --> 00:16:33,876
And now, accepting the Peabody Award
412
00:16:33,901 --> 00:16:35,267
for excellence in entertainment,
413
00:16:35,292 --> 00:16:37,890
is the cast of my favorite
show, Friendship Manor.
414
00:16:37,915 --> 00:16:39,924
Whoa! Happy days!
415
00:16:39,949 --> 00:16:43,149
Lord Doocifus himself. This is so cool.
416
00:16:43,597 --> 00:16:46,898
To anyone who ever heard
the words "you can't",
417
00:16:46,923 --> 00:16:48,356
"no one wants that",
418
00:16:48,458 --> 00:16:51,383
or "don't eat that...
they made it in props",
419
00:16:51,408 --> 00:16:54,265
I am living proof
that you can do it all.
420
00:16:54,290 --> 00:16:55,642
Okay, I'll go.
421
00:16:55,666 --> 00:16:58,617
Keep dreaming! Keep
friendshipping! Keep mattering!
422
00:16:58,642 --> 00:17:01,356
Kaitlyn, Kirstyn, and
Bryan Jr., go to bed!
423
00:17:01,381 --> 00:17:02,881
Daddy won a Peabody!
424
00:17:06,843 --> 00:17:10,355
Nice job tonight, Dad. You
beat the shit out of your brain!
425
00:17:10,380 --> 00:17:12,806
That one question about
whether cars go zoom
426
00:17:12,831 --> 00:17:15,290
- was pretty tough.
- Well, see you later, Daddy.
427
00:17:15,315 --> 00:17:16,861
You know we all have, like, five kids?
428
00:17:16,886 --> 00:17:17,985
And they call me Mom.
429
00:17:18,010 --> 00:17:19,738
I don't have time to get
into it, but it's insane.
430
00:17:19,762 --> 00:17:21,061
Okay, bye!
431
00:17:21,442 --> 00:17:24,869
Ahh, got the night all to myself.
432
00:17:24,894 --> 00:17:27,662
Now, where did I put my
mind-enhancing puzzles?
433
00:17:30,862 --> 00:17:32,896
I've looked everywhere. Hm.
434
00:17:32,921 --> 00:17:35,976
Well, it would be fun to
treat myself to a little TV.
435
00:17:37,092 --> 00:17:39,519
Oh, yeah. TV gone, too.
436
00:17:42,949 --> 00:17:46,768
Can we swing by Men's Warehouse
so I can return this suit?
437
00:17:46,793 --> 00:17:49,314
Hey, hey! Fellas!
438
00:17:49,339 --> 00:17:52,501
Did you also get turned away
from the Peabody afterparty
439
00:17:52,526 --> 00:17:54,431
because you forgot
how to spell your name?
440
00:17:54,456 --> 00:17:56,938
- Shut up!
- Brian, Brian, Brian...
441
00:17:56,963 --> 00:17:59,516
Okay, while you were at these,
uh, Golden Snowflake Awards,
442
00:17:59,541 --> 00:18:00,547
we were in the studio,
443
00:18:00,572 --> 00:18:02,629
ensuring the First Amendment
rights of white people
444
00:18:02,654 --> 00:18:05,330
to sing the N-word at karaoke,
and you weren't there.
445
00:18:05,355 --> 00:18:09,244
But Bill Shine told me to stop
driving the President insane,
446
00:18:09,269 --> 00:18:10,354
- so I just thought I...
- Oh, oh, oh.
447
00:18:10,378 --> 00:18:12,206
That's what you think, Brian?
You thought wrong.
448
00:18:12,230 --> 00:18:14,027
Your allegiance is
to Fox News... got it?
449
00:18:14,052 --> 00:18:15,185
We all took the same vows
450
00:18:15,210 --> 00:18:16,921
in Roger Ailes's amphibious sex plane.
451
00:18:16,946 --> 00:18:20,107
But Friendship Manor
is life-affirming TV.
452
00:18:20,132 --> 00:18:22,750
Fox News doesn't affirm life...
it De-firms life,
453
00:18:22,775 --> 00:18:25,161
and scares men into thinking
their sperm count will drop
454
00:18:25,186 --> 00:18:26,386
if they let their wives drive.
455
00:18:26,410 --> 00:18:28,009
Don't forget that, Kilmeade.
456
00:18:28,783 --> 00:18:30,783
Hey, can we stop at Men's Warehouse?
457
00:18:30,808 --> 00:18:32,736
I want to dig through
the discount suit bin.
458
00:18:33,995 --> 00:18:36,262
Huh. No TV in here either...
459
00:18:36,629 --> 00:18:39,497
I'll just sit here alone
with my thoughts.
460
00:18:42,447 --> 00:18:44,280
Oh, hi. Good to see you.
461
00:18:44,305 --> 00:18:46,015
I'm gonna need the nuclear football
462
00:18:46,040 --> 00:18:48,074
and an upside-down
umbrella full of Diet Coke.
463
00:18:48,753 --> 00:18:50,987
Thanks so much. Appreciate it.
Love the tie.
464
00:18:57,393 --> 00:18:59,093
Brian, I had a question
465
00:18:59,118 --> 00:19:01,030
about the Baronet's harpsichord teacher.
466
00:19:01,055 --> 00:19:03,309
It's over, guys. Friendship
Manor is done.
467
00:19:03,334 --> 00:19:05,830
But Doocifus still has his maidenhead!
468
00:19:05,855 --> 00:19:08,876
Tucker and Sean were right.
We should be out there
469
00:19:08,901 --> 00:19:12,101
scaring old ladies into
buying barbed-wire doormats...
470
00:19:12,126 --> 00:19:13,882
not acting out fiction.
471
00:19:13,907 --> 00:19:16,944
But we've got so many
stories left to tell!
472
00:19:16,969 --> 00:19:19,672
What about their stories, Ainsley?
473
00:19:19,774 --> 00:19:21,251
But Ainsleyhardt
474
00:19:21,275 --> 00:19:23,429
is a three-dimension female character!
475
00:19:23,454 --> 00:19:26,172
And who's gonna tell my big, tall hat?
476
00:19:27,191 --> 00:19:29,759
We now present a very special
477
00:19:29,784 --> 00:19:33,027
Friendship Manor.
478
00:19:33,052 --> 00:19:35,954
Hello, viewers. It's me, Brian Kilmeade.
479
00:19:35,979 --> 00:19:37,299
I mean Kilmington,
480
00:19:37,324 --> 00:19:39,590
or, as you would have
learned in the next episode,
481
00:19:39,615 --> 00:19:42,360
Kilmington's brother, who
was feared lost at sea.
482
00:19:42,385 --> 00:19:44,196
- Are you kidding me?!
- Don't spoil it!
483
00:19:44,221 --> 00:19:47,470
Friendship Manor is
going on permanent hiatus
484
00:19:47,495 --> 00:19:50,208
because I don't know how
to stand up for myself.
485
00:19:50,233 --> 00:19:51,867
Fare-thee-well.
486
00:19:52,368 --> 00:19:54,882
I'm lost. Did we miss an episode?
487
00:19:54,907 --> 00:19:57,061
I bet it all pays off.
Just keep watching.
488
00:19:58,211 --> 00:20:00,588
- Dad! Dad! Dad!
- Daddy! Daddy! Open up!
489
00:20:00,613 --> 00:20:03,854
What's he doing in there? We
took away his TV and phone.
490
00:20:03,879 --> 00:20:06,332
Hey, what's that thing that
Dad says every day at breakfast
491
00:20:06,357 --> 00:20:08,573
about leaving him
alone with his thoughts?
492
00:20:08,598 --> 00:20:11,042
Oh, uh, don't ever leave
me alone with my thoughts,
493
00:20:11,067 --> 00:20:12,778
or I'll blow up the entire world.
494
00:20:12,803 --> 00:20:14,368
- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, yeah.
495
00:20:14,393 --> 00:20:17,628
Hey! Hey! Do not
leave me alone with my thoughts!
496
00:20:17,653 --> 00:20:19,761
I will kill everything forever!
497
00:20:19,994 --> 00:20:21,727
You know what this means?
498
00:20:21,752 --> 00:20:24,688
He's having breakfast without us.
499
00:20:24,713 --> 00:20:26,313
Daddy, no!
500
00:20:26,338 --> 00:20:28,712
We're hungry, too!
501
00:20:28,737 --> 00:20:30,805
So I walk into the 21 Club,
502
00:20:30,829 --> 00:20:33,999
and I see Andre Agassi,
and he has his back to me.
503
00:20:34,024 --> 00:20:36,490
And he knew I was gonna
walk in. He knew it.
504
00:20:36,515 --> 00:20:38,624
So he'll be dead, too.
505
00:20:39,007 --> 00:20:41,850
I'm Wolf Blitzer and
you're watching me realize
506
00:20:41,875 --> 00:20:43,600
I left my lunch in my car.
507
00:20:43,625 --> 00:20:45,274
It's shrimp salad... it'll keep.
508
00:20:45,299 --> 00:20:46,737
With the President isolated
509
00:20:46,762 --> 00:20:49,494
and in possession of
the nuclear football,
510
00:20:49,519 --> 00:20:51,455
European leaders are considering
511
00:20:51,480 --> 00:20:53,415
a preemptive strike on the U.S.
512
00:20:53,440 --> 00:20:55,541
Uh-oh, that's where the shrimp salad is.
513
00:20:55,566 --> 00:20:59,220
Meanwhile, Vice President Pence
and the cabinet are deciding
514
00:20:59,245 --> 00:21:01,571
whether or not to remove
Trump from office.
515
00:21:01,596 --> 00:21:02,829
Breakups are tough.
516
00:21:02,854 --> 00:21:05,290
Launch codes are around here somewhere.
517
00:21:07,583 --> 00:21:10,224
Ugh, why's everything so hard to find?
518
00:21:10,997 --> 00:21:13,185
Yikes, that guy looks like crap.
519
00:21:13,210 --> 00:21:14,480
No, you look like crap.
520
00:21:14,505 --> 00:21:16,149
No, you look like crap.
521
00:21:16,174 --> 00:21:17,719
No, you look like crap.
522
00:21:17,744 --> 00:21:19,547
You can't talk to me like that!
523
00:21:19,572 --> 00:21:22,853
But I'm part of you, idiot.
I'm your subconscious.
524
00:21:22,878 --> 00:21:23,977
Subconscious...
525
00:21:24,002 --> 00:21:26,067
Is that the room where
rodeo clowns hang out
526
00:21:26,092 --> 00:21:27,304
before it's time to go in?
527
00:21:27,329 --> 00:21:28,629
God, you're dumb.
528
00:21:28,654 --> 00:21:30,639
It's the place deep inside your head
529
00:21:30,664 --> 00:21:32,129
where all your emotions live.
530
00:21:32,154 --> 00:21:33,830
And it is rough down here.
531
00:21:33,855 --> 00:21:36,518
Oh, no! I'm crazy, aren't I?
532
00:21:36,543 --> 00:21:38,920
Is that why I'm such a math genius?
533
00:21:38,945 --> 00:21:41,779
You're more of a run-of-the-mill
sociopathic narcissist,
534
00:21:41,804 --> 00:21:44,692
who, through a weird twist of
fate, can destroy the world.
535
00:21:44,717 --> 00:21:46,389
Okay. What's the bad news?
536
00:21:46,414 --> 00:21:49,029
You'll destroy us with it,
you dumb piece of shit.
537
00:21:49,054 --> 00:21:50,631
There's always a catch.
538
00:21:52,190 --> 00:21:54,367
Hey, it's Doocifus and Ainsleyhardt!
539
00:21:54,392 --> 00:21:56,336
We don't do that show anymore!
540
00:21:56,361 --> 00:21:57,612
No selfies!
541
00:21:57,637 --> 00:22:00,441
There they are! The people
we've been looking for.
542
00:22:00,466 --> 00:22:01,898
So, like, how are you guys?
543
00:22:01,923 --> 00:22:04,155
Dad is about to blow up the free world,
544
00:22:04,180 --> 00:22:05,704
but, seriously, how are you guys?
545
00:22:05,729 --> 00:22:08,399
Here's some coins, kids. Go play
Buck Hunter or something.
546
00:22:08,424 --> 00:22:10,941
He gave them to me.
That means I'm in charge.
547
00:22:10,966 --> 00:22:12,319
I'm gonna be good!
548
00:22:12,344 --> 00:22:14,275
The President needs the
old Fox & Friends show
549
00:22:14,300 --> 00:22:17,025
to get the steam out of his ears
so it doesn't cook his brain.
550
00:22:17,050 --> 00:22:19,083
The old show? But I can't even remember
551
00:22:19,108 --> 00:22:21,621
why wealthy old white men
are underprivileged anymore.
552
00:22:21,646 --> 00:22:25,477
Maybe this will jog your memory.
"Dear Fox & Friends.
553
00:22:25,502 --> 00:22:27,611
If I didn't have you to talk to,
554
00:22:27,636 --> 00:22:29,970
I would probably kill everybody.
555
00:22:29,995 --> 00:22:32,395
I love you so much.
556
00:22:32,420 --> 00:22:35,775
Yours, the President
of the United States."
557
00:22:35,800 --> 00:22:38,878
I was packing up Kilmington's
cummerbund when I found this.
558
00:22:38,903 --> 00:22:42,282
And there are 30 more, just
like it, all from the President.
559
00:22:42,307 --> 00:22:43,893
He needs us, damn it.
560
00:22:43,918 --> 00:22:46,931
What do you say, Fox &
Friends star Ainsley Earhardt?
561
00:22:46,956 --> 00:22:48,855
I actually prefer Friendship Manor.
562
00:22:48,880 --> 00:22:50,909
She's in... let's go!
563
00:22:51,249 --> 00:22:54,384
All those in favor of removing
the President from office
564
00:22:54,409 --> 00:22:56,355
and installing me instead?
565
00:22:56,380 --> 00:22:58,586
Wait! I'm not crazy!
566
00:22:58,611 --> 00:23:00,845
The mirror-me said so!
567
00:23:01,025 --> 00:23:02,070
Yikes.
568
00:23:02,095 --> 00:23:04,229
You guys believe me, right?
569
00:23:05,640 --> 00:23:08,374
Wow, nobody's on my side.
570
00:23:08,399 --> 00:23:10,852
And after all the stuff I've done
571
00:23:10,877 --> 00:23:12,777
for your investment portfolios.
572
00:23:12,802 --> 00:23:14,736
Fine, say goodbye to Earth!
573
00:23:19,713 --> 00:23:23,022
♪ It's Fox & Friends ♪
574
00:23:23,047 --> 00:23:24,379
Whoa! It's TV!
575
00:23:24,404 --> 00:23:26,104
Fox & Friends... activate!
576
00:23:26,129 --> 00:23:28,394
God, I hate that nuclear football,
577
00:23:28,419 --> 00:23:29,552
don't you, Brian?
578
00:23:29,577 --> 00:23:32,330
It makes me sick, yee-uck!
579
00:23:32,355 --> 00:23:34,088
Get rid of it!
580
00:23:34,113 --> 00:23:36,611
Yeah... yeah... I hate it, too.
581
00:23:36,636 --> 00:23:38,236
You know what else makes me sick?
582
00:23:38,261 --> 00:23:39,770
What, Mr. President?
583
00:23:39,795 --> 00:23:42,711
Integration. The trickle-down
part of economics.
584
00:23:42,736 --> 00:23:44,375
Swiss Family Robinson.
585
00:23:44,400 --> 00:23:46,321
So, we're just gonna
pretend this is fine?
586
00:23:46,346 --> 00:23:47,811
Consider the alternative.
587
00:23:47,836 --> 00:23:50,715
God, guide my hand as I use this device
588
00:23:50,740 --> 00:23:53,495
to wipe the cast of
The L Word from Earth.
589
00:23:53,520 --> 00:23:56,320
Trump's cabinet has voted
to reinstall the President.
590
00:23:56,345 --> 00:23:58,959
Meanwhile, psychologists
unanimously agree
591
00:23:58,984 --> 00:24:01,414
that Trump is a ticking time
bomb of unchecked emotion.
592
00:24:01,439 --> 00:24:02,505
But is he?
593
00:24:02,530 --> 00:24:04,931
Or did his bishop just
checkmate the media's queen?
594
00:24:04,956 --> 00:24:06,798
I'm Chuck Todd, I
pretend to enjoy football
595
00:24:06,823 --> 00:24:10,059
because I'm scared of my dad,
and this is Meet the Press.
596
00:24:10,084 --> 00:24:12,867
The Arctic shelf is such a drama queen.
597
00:24:12,892 --> 00:24:15,504
I mean, if you're gonna
melt, just melt already.
598
00:24:15,529 --> 00:24:16,576
I know that's right.
599
00:24:16,601 --> 00:24:17,763
That's my president.
600
00:24:17,788 --> 00:24:19,045
Shelf bad.
601
00:24:19,070 --> 00:24:20,767
I say we torch the whole thing.
602
00:24:20,792 --> 00:24:22,713
Mr. President, can we take five?
603
00:24:22,738 --> 00:24:25,371
I wouldn't mind popping into
the bathroom real quick.
604
00:24:25,396 --> 00:24:27,417
Sure. In the meantime,
maybe I'll turn off
605
00:24:27,442 --> 00:24:30,343
all the power grids and see
which city screams the loudest.
606
00:24:30,368 --> 00:24:32,456
On second thought, we can hold it.
607
00:24:32,481 --> 00:24:36,083
Luckily for me, I can use
my big hat as a toilet!
608
00:24:36,108 --> 00:24:37,441
Why are we still watching this?
609
00:24:37,466 --> 00:24:41,032
Uh, Michelle, I told you,
it's going to pay off.
610
00:25:39,345 --> 00:25:40,745
Trump!
611
00:25:40,769 --> 00:25:45,769
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- www.addic7ed.com -