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Madame Speaker!
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We need to open an impeachment
inquiry into President Trump!
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- Damn it!
- The Mueller Report showed
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clear evidence he obstructed justice,
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and now he refuses to comply
with a single subpoena, honey.
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Sorry, but the focus groups
don't want impeachment.
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And Americans never change their minds.
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That's why Ricki Lake is still
the queen of daytime TV!
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Senator Elizabeth Warren here,
out of breath as always.
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Can anyone just walk
into the House Chamber?
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I want to lend my voice
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to the chorus of voices
calling for impeachment.
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Sounds great. Eat shit. Byeee!
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It's the right thing to do!
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Look, I'd love to do impeachment,
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but I have to compete in the
Goodwill Games tomorrow, so...
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Nancy, they don't do those anymore.
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I have to go...
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I just heard the sun and moon
are switchin' places!
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If that's true, the birds
would be going nuts.
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Uhp! We just lost the lease
on Capitol Hill.
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Just impeach him, you stubborn bastard!
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We can't impeach him because I love him!
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Nancy, I know he's hot,
but he's with Melania now.
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- What am I even saying?
- I'm trying to impeach him,
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but no one here will let me!
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Madame Speaker, if I may...
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we must put the Constitution over polls,
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justice over expediency,
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and let it be known
to future generations
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that, in America, no honey
is above the law, honey!
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Next up, Game of Thrones
written by women!
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Okay, I've heard enough.
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Now I understand that I must
rise to this moment in history,
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honor my oath to the Constitution,
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and get the eff out of here!
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I know it sounds crazy,
but I'm still not budging.
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Synced & corrected by reggielist
www.addic7ed.com
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There are good letters on both sides.
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Ahhh, there's nothing better
than home TV
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after a long day of work TV.
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Even better... Nerd Hannity is on!
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Tonight on Tucker Carlson...
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our economy was founded by men
for men to make more men.
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So why are women
still producing daughters?
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Just to be annoying?
We'll investigate after this.
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Hey. It's Common.
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Child detention, white supremacy.
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President Trump
has destroyed this nation,
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but from the ashes,
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we... will... rise.
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A message from Yummy Time Pizza.
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Tell SEAL Team Six to capture
Yummy Time Pizza's CEO.
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Remember... any loss of pizza
is considered a loss of life.
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Relax, Dad. It's just a pizza place.
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Wrong. It's a pizza business,
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and I'm the pro-business President.
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Corporations are
supposed to be my friends.
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Well, at least you still got me, Dad.
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Way to kick a man when he's down, Don.
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At least I still got some
pro-Trump businesses...
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Hobby Lobby, NASCAR, Lizard Wholesalers.
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Actually, Lizard Wholesalers
switched sides
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when you dug that mass grave
and refused to say why.
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Ugh! It's hopeless.
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And to think, me and business
used to be best friends...
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The year was 2017,
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and I had not one, but two
business advisory councils.
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Boy, did we have some laughs.
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"Ohh, I'm the rainforest.
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Businesses are chopping me down."
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Shut up!
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But seriously, whatever
you want to do is hella cool.
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And then all I said was
"I likey the Nazis,"
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and, suddenly,
my business friends were gone.
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I've done so much for businesses...
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Giving tax breaks,
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saying factories no longer
need more than one exit...
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And still Nike, Gillette,
and now Yummy Time Pizza
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don't have my back.
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Sir, don't give up.
Now about we have Mike Pence
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do what he did with the NFL
and apply pressure
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with a taxpayer-funded
toothless protest?
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It's the only thing he's good at,
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besides entering a room unnoticed.
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Oh, my God! Good idea.
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Mike, go out there and make
a pitiful ass of yourself
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so I can save face.
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When I hear the words "pitiful A-S-S,"
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I know it's my time to shine!
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00:04:07,800 --> 00:04:11,466
Now, remember, Karen, we're
going to order the pizza,
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pay for the pizza, and
then leave the pizza.
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It's like I'm in a play! Oooohh!
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We'd like one pizza with
the pepperonis spelling,
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"I support our President."
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What's my line? I forgot my line! Line!
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- Uh, we don't do that here.
- Oh, my!
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Karen, gasp.
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That was Vice President Pence
and Second Lady Karen before
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she had to be re-oxygenated
at a local hospital.
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The event has sparked a viral trend
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among Trump supporters
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who have been flushing
Yummy Time pizzas,
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clogging their own plumbing,
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and hurting no one but themselves.
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Mom?
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Tonight, I'll be reading New
York District Court transcripts
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that you'll listen to
tomorrow in the shower
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from your iPhone propped up
on top of the toilet.
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But first, Vice President Joe Biden
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is here for "The Interview."
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Rachel, God love ya,
if only I was ten years younger
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and your hair was ten inches longer.
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I'm being told your campaign manager
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is trying to unplug the studio.
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Now, how will you unite
the fractured Democratic Party?
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Because... Sorry to interrupt, honey,
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but the Democrats aren't fractured.
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We're unified behind
my optimistic vision
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of lowering taxes, ending welfare again,
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and sending pot dealers
to the death house!
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Actually, Cory Booker talks
about criminal-justice reform,
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and Elizabeth Warren
pledged to tax the rich.
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Oh, they'll come to their senses.
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Hey, billionaires gotta eat, too.
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- Now, how 'bout a hug?
- Wow. You are bad at this.
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Companies
would be crazy to get political
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after Pence went beast mode
on Yummy Time Pizza.
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We believe all people are created equal.
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Seafood Shack.
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When others build
walls, we build community.
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Tire Supply Liquidators.
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Democracy is in peril,
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and the darkest storms are yet ahead.
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Come on down
to Bouncy's Trampoline Park!
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Whoa! What is going on?
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After the Yummy Time Pizza ad
drove their profits up 30%,
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everyone went all-in on anti-you.
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Not "everyone."
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Ha, ha, hi!
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I'm Mike Lindell,
the inventor of My Pillow!
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That's the famous commercial
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starring Mike Lindell.
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He's had an untraditional rise
to business success.
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Yeah, I used to be addicted to crack!
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But after I went two weeks
with no sleep,
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my dealers intervened, I found Jesus,
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built the largest
pillow company in America,
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and now I'm best friends
with President Trump!
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Is that the guy who keeps
chasing my motorcade?
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Oh, yeah.
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"Medicare for all"?
Are these kids serious?
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Oh, yeah. With these
Democratic candidates,
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it's "raise taxes" this and
"no generational wars" that.
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The problem is, I'm not polling
as well with progressive voters
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as I am with Dale
the racist Amtrak conductor.
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- Hiya, Dale!
- Hey, Joe!
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Keep on keepin' them prisons
full! Doin' a great job!
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Since Hillary's sitting
this election out,
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you're our only hope. Go spread the word
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about "trumped-up
trickle-down" economics.
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The phrase was perfect.
Clinton just kept coughing
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00:07:04,884 --> 00:07:06,507
in the middle of it. Don't worry!
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If there's one thing progressives love,
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it's an old white guy
with one black friend
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and a lot of opinions.
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Screw this. I'm running away.
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If those businesses don't like me,
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they can find another president
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to sign their executive orders
sight unseen.
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Need a ride to Reagan Airport?
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Not with you, Mitt.
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I'll let you play with the sunroof.
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So you're running away, huh?
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Mr. President, don't give up.
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The only friend you need
in this world is a corporation.
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Why are you driving 15 miles
under the speed limit?
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Back at Bain Capital,
I didn't make a lot of friends.
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I'd roll into town, and the next day,
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the only thing left was
a brothel and a soup kitchen.
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How do you not have
the air conditioner on?
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It's a hundred degrees in here!
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But my business liked me,
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and that was the only friend I needed.
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Now, I'm taking you to
the best place in the world
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to make big business your best friend.
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- The White House?
- That's right.
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But I was just at the White House.
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Yes. I'm saying you can
use the presidency
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to win back businesses.
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00:08:07,926 --> 00:08:10,299
No. You said you were
taking me somewhere.
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00:08:10,300 --> 00:08:12,591
- This is where I live.
- I know that. I-I was just...
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You made a mistake, admit it.
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- I, uh...
- Despite your useless advice,
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I'm going to leverage
the power of this White House
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to win back Corporate America!
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How do I exploit my sacred office
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00:08:29,842 --> 00:08:31,799
to get businesses
to stop being mean to me?
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00:08:31,800 --> 00:08:34,549
I'm thinking all-access
to our Saudi death squad.
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00:08:34,550 --> 00:08:37,581
You could stop staying
how great Nazis are.
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00:08:37,615 --> 00:08:38,925
Oh, and why don't I start
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00:08:38,926 --> 00:08:41,633
walking on the ceiling
and breathing underwater?
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00:08:41,634 --> 00:08:43,507
Practical ideas only, people.
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No workplace regulations.
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00:08:45,467 --> 00:08:46,799
If you don't want black lung,
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00:08:46,800 --> 00:08:49,507
you shouldn't have taken a job
at Babies 'R' Us.
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00:08:49,508 --> 00:08:51,466
How about kids receive school credit
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00:08:51,467 --> 00:08:52,883
for warning business leaders
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00:08:52,884 --> 00:08:54,633
that their wives are on their way home?
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00:08:54,634 --> 00:08:56,216
We already invited the CEOs
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00:08:56,217 --> 00:08:58,382
of the 50 largest companies
to a roundtable
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00:08:58,383 --> 00:09:00,216
so they can tell us
exactly what they want.
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00:09:00,217 --> 00:09:01,299
Takes out the guesswork!
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00:09:01,300 --> 00:09:02,925
Smart! See, Mnuchin?
215
00:09:02,926 --> 00:09:05,758
I'm happy, the Nazis are happy,
everyone's happy.
216
00:09:08,118 --> 00:09:09,841
Joe, you can come in,
uh, but only if you talk
217
00:09:09,842 --> 00:09:11,633
the way you do around
other white people.
218
00:09:11,634 --> 00:09:14,549
Right on, my brotha! Jazz!
219
00:09:14,550 --> 00:09:16,966
I need to smack these
progressives on the ass
220
00:09:16,967 --> 00:09:18,341
to make them fall in line.
221
00:09:18,342 --> 00:09:21,008
How 'bout I call Liz Warren
"Land O' Lakes Girl"
222
00:09:21,009 --> 00:09:22,925
and say Beto ran over a cop?
223
00:09:22,926 --> 00:09:24,175
Joe, that won't work.
224
00:09:24,176 --> 00:09:26,466
To unite the party,
you need good policy ideas
225
00:09:26,467 --> 00:09:27,799
like "hope" and "change."
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00:09:27,800 --> 00:09:29,925
Otherwise you're just
sowing division like Trump.
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00:09:29,926 --> 00:09:31,841
- And where did that get him?
- I-Isn't he president?
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00:09:31,842 --> 00:09:34,966
- Not my president.
- Fine. I'll play nice.
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00:09:34,967 --> 00:09:38,008
Can I at least say Julián Castro
was actually a triplet,
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00:09:38,009 --> 00:09:39,716
but ate the third brother in the crib?
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00:09:39,717 --> 00:09:41,716
Oooh, that's a good idea for a show.
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00:09:41,717 --> 00:09:43,091
I might pitch it to Netflix.
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00:09:43,092 --> 00:09:45,382
Evil Triplet. Uh, would you watch that?
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00:09:45,383 --> 00:09:46,674
Probably not.
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00:09:46,675 --> 00:09:47,883
- Quadruplets?
- Eh, I don't know.
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00:09:47,884 --> 00:09:49,008
It takes a lot of courage
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00:09:49,009 --> 00:09:50,674
to put yourself out there
creatively, Joe,
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00:09:50,675 --> 00:09:52,633
so just be a little sensitive to that.
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00:09:53,926 --> 00:09:57,091
None of those CEOs are coming, are they?
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00:09:57,092 --> 00:09:59,341
Ha, ha, hi! Sorry I'm late.
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00:09:59,342 --> 00:10:02,758
A Secret Service dog barked
at me and, next thing you know,
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00:10:02,759 --> 00:10:04,883
your fellas slapped me on a metal table
243
00:10:04,884 --> 00:10:06,716
and searched me inside-out!
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00:10:06,717 --> 00:10:08,549
Whatever they did to you wasn't enough.
245
00:10:08,550 --> 00:10:11,299
Good news is I brought you My Pillow.
246
00:10:11,300 --> 00:10:13,674
It's a state-of-the-art
pillow I produce...
247
00:10:13,675 --> 00:10:14,675
Mike.
248
00:10:14,676 --> 00:10:16,549
I produce right here in Minnesota!
249
00:10:16,550 --> 00:10:19,716
Great. Now we just need
the rest of Corporate America.
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00:10:19,717 --> 00:10:21,050
Got any friends you can call?
251
00:10:21,051 --> 00:10:22,175
Double no!
252
00:10:22,176 --> 00:10:25,050
Don't got friends, don't got a phone!
253
00:10:26,183 --> 00:10:27,507
Ah, God bless all of ya,
254
00:10:27,508 --> 00:10:29,633
but I don't want it
to get ugly out there,
255
00:10:29,634 --> 00:10:32,841
so why don't y'all drop out
and let me be president, huh?
256
00:10:32,842 --> 00:10:34,507
Just because you're polling well now
257
00:10:34,508 --> 00:10:35,883
doesn't mean you will forever.
258
00:10:35,884 --> 00:10:38,424
Look at me... I was a rising star,
259
00:10:38,425 --> 00:10:41,008
then people found out I told
one weird lie a thousand times,
260
00:10:41,009 --> 00:10:43,180
and now no one will look me in the eye.
261
00:10:43,214 --> 00:10:44,424
Don't forget about me.
262
00:10:44,425 --> 00:10:46,341
After a president
who's a philandering crook,
263
00:10:46,342 --> 00:10:48,382
Americans are more receptive than ever
264
00:10:48,383 --> 00:10:50,925
to someone who's not that
or anything else.
265
00:10:50,926 --> 00:10:54,091
Gosh, I hate to see the party
torn apart like this.
266
00:10:54,092 --> 00:10:55,758
Kamala, how'd you like to be rumored
267
00:10:55,759 --> 00:10:58,466
to be my running mate until
I end up choosing Tim Kaine?
268
00:10:58,467 --> 00:11:00,424
Joe, the party has passed you by.
269
00:11:00,425 --> 00:11:02,091
Beating you will be easier
270
00:11:02,092 --> 00:11:04,591
than denying a trans inmate
corrective surgery
271
00:11:04,592 --> 00:11:06,758
so they can fight wildfires instead, ha!
272
00:11:06,759 --> 00:11:09,674
Look, Missy, I invented
keeping non-violent criminals
273
00:11:09,675 --> 00:11:10,925
locked up indefinitely.
274
00:11:10,926 --> 00:11:12,758
Did you, or did you just steal it
275
00:11:12,759 --> 00:11:15,591
like you did your 1988 stump speech,
276
00:11:15,592 --> 00:11:17,382
you rusty old tub of feces?
277
00:11:17,383 --> 00:11:18,716
- Wait
- Whoa!
278
00:11:18,717 --> 00:11:21,216
I'm serious. Lift your
balls off the ground
279
00:11:21,217 --> 00:11:23,133
and shove off back to Scranton
280
00:11:23,134 --> 00:11:25,674
before I cram you into
the luggage rack of an Amtrak
281
00:11:25,675 --> 00:11:27,050
and send you there!
282
00:11:27,051 --> 00:11:28,799
And not on the Acela, Joe!
283
00:11:28,800 --> 00:11:30,008
The Northeast Regional, bitch!
284
00:11:30,009 --> 00:11:31,466
- This is preposterous!
- Jesus!
285
00:11:31,467 --> 00:11:33,133
- Get ahold of this!
- What?! Come at me!
286
00:11:33,134 --> 00:11:35,299
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Let's all take a step back.
287
00:11:35,300 --> 00:11:37,298
Maybe we can find some common ground.
288
00:11:37,332 --> 00:11:38,674
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah!
289
00:11:38,675 --> 00:11:40,382
I can skateboard better than you, dork!
290
00:11:40,383 --> 00:11:41,925
Joe, we won't back down.
291
00:11:41,926 --> 00:11:44,507
Literally every decision
I've made in my life
292
00:11:44,508 --> 00:11:46,424
has been in service of this moment,
293
00:11:46,425 --> 00:11:48,133
including getting my girlfriend.
294
00:11:48,134 --> 00:11:49,698
D-Did I mention I have a girlfriend?
295
00:11:49,732 --> 00:11:50,745
Yes.
296
00:11:50,779 --> 00:11:51,966
You probably know her from the movies.
297
00:11:51,967 --> 00:11:53,424
Do you wanna meet her? I'll get her!
298
00:11:53,425 --> 00:11:54,799
I made her wait in the parking lot
299
00:11:54,800 --> 00:11:55,966
in case you wanted to meet her.
300
00:11:55,967 --> 00:11:57,758
I'll get her. Hold on.
301
00:11:57,759 --> 00:11:59,799
He's about to walk in here
with a body pillow.
302
00:12:01,120 --> 00:12:02,175
So many great CEOs
303
00:12:02,176 --> 00:12:04,175
wanted to speak on my behalf,
304
00:12:04,176 --> 00:12:06,549
but I decided to go with
the one who showed up...
305
00:12:06,550 --> 00:12:08,382
My Pillow's Mike Lindell!
306
00:12:08,383 --> 00:12:09,841
Ha, ha, hi!
307
00:12:09,842 --> 00:12:12,507
I'm Mike Lindell, and I make pillows!
308
00:12:12,508 --> 00:12:15,257
I support this president,
and you should, too!
309
00:12:15,258 --> 00:12:17,549
Great, Mike. Thank you.
310
00:12:17,550 --> 00:12:18,758
Oh-oh-oh, I got more!
311
00:12:18,759 --> 00:12:20,050
Like Trumpy here,
312
00:12:20,051 --> 00:12:23,008
I have the classic
American success story.
313
00:12:23,009 --> 00:12:26,299
2007, the coroner declares me dead,
314
00:12:26,300 --> 00:12:29,633
and just before they roll me
into an unmarked hobo grave,
315
00:12:29,634 --> 00:12:32,008
I snap to, head-butt S-O-S
316
00:12:32,009 --> 00:12:34,091
against the roof of that pine box,
317
00:12:34,092 --> 00:12:37,466
and thank God the grave digger's
headphones weren't workin'
318
00:12:37,467 --> 00:12:40,008
because he ripped me
out of the ground and...
319
00:12:40,009 --> 00:12:42,176
Okay. Any questions?
320
00:12:43,217 --> 00:12:45,383
Any questions not about crack?
321
00:12:47,342 --> 00:12:49,674
If you're just joining us,
we are on minute 40
322
00:12:49,675 --> 00:12:50,966
without a commercial break.
323
00:12:50,967 --> 00:12:54,008
Let's go now once again
to Vice President Joe Biden.
324
00:12:54,009 --> 00:12:57,216
And may I just say,
I've never met a more gorgeous
325
00:12:57,217 --> 00:12:59,424
Filipino girl than your
production assistant.
326
00:12:59,425 --> 00:13:01,382
Not bad considering what
you're capable of saying.
327
00:13:01,383 --> 00:13:02,258
Big-time.
328
00:13:02,259 --> 00:13:03,799
Mr. Biden has taken off the gloves
329
00:13:03,800 --> 00:13:05,466
and just released the first attack ad
330
00:13:05,467 --> 00:13:07,549
of the Democratic primary. Take a look.
331
00:13:08,409 --> 00:13:09,716
If these Democratic candidates
332
00:13:09,717 --> 00:13:12,674
refuse to endorse Joe Biden
for president,
333
00:13:12,675 --> 00:13:15,716
can we trust their judgement
as president?
334
00:13:15,717 --> 00:13:18,755
The answer is no. The answer is Joe.
335
00:13:18,789 --> 00:13:21,549
Joe Biden. Don't Make An Old Man Beg.
336
00:13:21,550 --> 00:13:23,716
Are you concerned that
since you've now attacked
337
00:13:23,717 --> 00:13:24,841
your fellow Democrats,
338
00:13:24,842 --> 00:13:27,133
they may strike back
with opposition research?
339
00:13:27,134 --> 00:13:29,299
Ah, they wouldn't look into my past.
340
00:13:29,300 --> 00:13:32,925
The only thing in my past
is a bunch of hazy memories.
341
00:13:34,550 --> 00:13:38,050
Well, our lone pitchman
tried to sell us door-to-door,
342
00:13:38,051 --> 00:13:40,257
and the business world
threw hot coffee in his face.
343
00:13:40,258 --> 00:13:41,633
No offense, Mike.
344
00:13:41,634 --> 00:13:45,008
Not my first brush with
humiliation. I'll tell ya that.
345
00:13:45,009 --> 00:13:47,175
I once offered this dealer an exchange
346
00:13:47,176 --> 00:13:50,133
where I'd pretend to be
a kind of "human shoe."
347
00:13:50,134 --> 00:13:53,091
Hello, if you want
businesses to chase you,
348
00:13:53,092 --> 00:13:54,841
make 'em jealous by grinding up
349
00:13:54,842 --> 00:13:57,341
on big, strong competing businesses!
350
00:13:57,342 --> 00:13:58,591
You think that'll work?
351
00:13:58,592 --> 00:14:01,133
I loved this cute guy,
so to make him jealous,
352
00:14:01,134 --> 00:14:03,008
I started dating Jared.
353
00:14:03,009 --> 00:14:05,466
I forgot about the whole plan
until just now.
354
00:14:05,467 --> 00:14:07,008
It's so gonna work!
355
00:14:07,009 --> 00:14:09,133
Interesting! Good news, Mike...
356
00:14:09,134 --> 00:14:12,257
I'm announcing an $800-billion
stimulus package
357
00:14:12,258 --> 00:14:14,050
for the comfy pillow industry.
358
00:14:14,051 --> 00:14:16,841
No thanks! I'm a self-made man!
359
00:14:16,842 --> 00:14:18,966
I made myself addicted to crack,
360
00:14:18,967 --> 00:14:21,050
I made myself addicted to pillows...
361
00:14:21,051 --> 00:14:23,466
More good news... you have no choice.
362
00:14:24,449 --> 00:14:25,382
Ha, ha, hi!
363
00:14:25,383 --> 00:14:27,716
I'm Mike Lindell, CEO of
364
00:14:27,717 --> 00:14:30,799
My International Holdings
and Defense Solutions,
365
00:14:30,800 --> 00:14:34,424
parent company of countless
newly created subsidiaries
366
00:14:34,425 --> 00:14:38,299
that support our president,
like My Yummy Pizza.
367
00:14:38,300 --> 00:14:40,341
If you're not getting the pizza you need
368
00:14:40,342 --> 00:14:44,257
from Yummy Time Pizza,
try My Yummy Pizza.
369
00:14:44,258 --> 00:14:48,050
I've tried every pizza
out there, and nothing works.
370
00:14:48,051 --> 00:14:49,841
Our patented cheese
371
00:14:49,842 --> 00:14:52,466
forms to the exact same shape
of your mouth
372
00:14:52,467 --> 00:14:55,507
so you can always have a restful pizza!
373
00:14:55,508 --> 00:14:57,050
My Yummy Pizza is the most
374
00:14:57,051 --> 00:14:59,175
comfortable pizza you'll ever eat.
375
00:14:59,176 --> 00:15:02,841
Before My Yummy Pizza,
I had difficulty eating pizza.
376
00:15:02,842 --> 00:15:06,175
Now I have a good night's
pizza every night!
377
00:15:06,176 --> 00:15:10,341
Call now! Our pizza technicians
are standing by!
378
00:15:10,342 --> 00:15:13,299
And don't forget
to support our president.
379
00:15:13,300 --> 00:15:15,716
He's guarding our conservative values
380
00:15:15,717 --> 00:15:17,549
from cloven-hoofed Democrats
381
00:15:17,550 --> 00:15:20,133
hell-bent on Christian genocide!
382
00:15:20,134 --> 00:15:22,175
♪ For the best pizza
in the whole wide world ♪
383
00:15:22,176 --> 00:15:23,674
♪ Eat My Yummy Pizza ♪
384
00:15:23,675 --> 00:15:25,175
- * And vote Trump *
- * Vote Trump *
385
00:15:25,176 --> 00:15:26,841
Thank you, thank you.
386
00:15:26,842 --> 00:15:29,674
My International Holdings
and Defense Solutions
387
00:15:29,675 --> 00:15:33,424
is now the largest multinational
corporation on Earth,
388
00:15:33,425 --> 00:15:35,257
and they are proudly pro-Trump.
389
00:15:35,258 --> 00:15:38,175
Soon, Mike Lindell will
disrupt every industry
390
00:15:38,176 --> 00:15:40,341
with his massive government funding.
391
00:15:40,342 --> 00:15:43,175
Ha, ha! Wow! That's a lot of companies!
392
00:15:43,176 --> 00:15:45,674
Good thing the crack
fried the part of my brain
393
00:15:45,675 --> 00:15:47,050
with any self-doubt!
394
00:15:48,043 --> 00:15:49,257
Great idea, Ivanka.
395
00:15:49,258 --> 00:15:51,507
Keep it up, and you'll be
Commerce Secretary.
396
00:15:51,508 --> 00:15:54,050
Actually, do you want to
just be Commerce Secretary?
397
00:15:54,051 --> 00:15:56,466
Boom, bam, I dub thee
Commerce Secretary!
398
00:15:56,467 --> 00:15:59,633
Yay! Jared, Daddy just said something!
399
00:15:59,634 --> 00:16:01,591
Oh, yay, great.
Hey, you need to see this.
400
00:16:02,099 --> 00:16:03,549
Come on down to Seafood Shack
401
00:16:03,550 --> 00:16:06,674
where we hate Donald Trump,
but love endless shrimp.
402
00:16:06,675 --> 00:16:08,050
Harris Meat Distributors...
403
00:16:08,051 --> 00:16:10,175
Supporting a coup since 2019.
404
00:16:10,176 --> 00:16:12,341
- Whoa. What's going on?
- Don't you get it?
405
00:16:12,342 --> 00:16:14,175
You are now these companies' competitor,
406
00:16:14,176 --> 00:16:16,216
so now they are burying you.
407
00:16:16,217 --> 00:16:19,257
Corporations don't get jealous
like that hot guy Ivanka loves.
408
00:16:19,258 --> 00:16:21,091
They just destroy whatever
stands in their way,
409
00:16:21,092 --> 00:16:22,299
and you are in their way.
410
00:16:22,300 --> 00:16:24,257
Donations to your legal fund? Done.
411
00:16:24,258 --> 00:16:26,549
Donations to your
reelection campaign? Done.
412
00:16:26,550 --> 00:16:28,591
You? Done!
413
00:16:29,373 --> 00:16:30,378
Say "Trump sucks ass"
414
00:16:30,412 --> 00:16:32,925
and receive 20% off of
Sigmund's Prenatal Vitamins.
415
00:16:34,316 --> 00:16:37,251
So, what did you think of my
no-holds-barred campaign strategy?
416
00:16:37,285 --> 00:16:38,883
Joe, I tried to warn you,
417
00:16:38,884 --> 00:16:40,424
but you just fired the first shot
418
00:16:40,425 --> 00:16:42,382
in a civil war with
your primary opponents.
419
00:16:42,383 --> 00:16:44,549
Nah, everyone loves Uncle Joe.
420
00:16:44,550 --> 00:16:47,591
There's not a shoulder in
Washington I haven't massaged.
421
00:16:47,592 --> 00:16:49,424
Just get ready for the counter punch.
422
00:16:49,425 --> 00:16:51,424
Now, what do you think of this
idea for a Netflix show...
423
00:16:51,425 --> 00:16:53,091
It's a legal drama in which an attorney
424
00:16:53,092 --> 00:16:54,507
and his colleague fall in love.
425
00:16:54,508 --> 00:16:56,257
Eh, it sounds derivative,
426
00:16:56,258 --> 00:16:58,466
and I know a thing or two
about plagiarism.
427
00:16:58,467 --> 00:17:02,382
You didn't let me finish.
Her father is his boss.
428
00:17:02,383 --> 00:17:03,716
Meh.
429
00:17:03,717 --> 00:17:06,674
Did you know 15 networks
rejected Stranger Things?
430
00:17:06,675 --> 00:17:07,841
That's you.
431
00:17:09,123 --> 00:17:12,466
Sure, most multinational
corporations hate ya,
432
00:17:12,467 --> 00:17:15,466
but I love ya more than
I've ever loved anything
433
00:17:15,467 --> 00:17:17,133
in my entire life!
434
00:17:17,134 --> 00:17:19,133
Ugh. Well, it's been 45 minutes.
435
00:17:19,134 --> 00:17:21,690
Maybe this thing has all blown over.
436
00:17:21,917 --> 00:17:23,175
Hello. I'm Stephen Miller.
437
00:17:23,176 --> 00:17:24,925
Tucker Carlson has the night off.
438
00:17:24,926 --> 00:17:27,883
So... we're just doing this
out in the open now?
439
00:17:27,884 --> 00:17:29,091
The gestating culture war
440
00:17:29,092 --> 00:17:31,175
between pro- and anti-Trump companies
441
00:17:31,176 --> 00:17:33,549
has burst from its egg
and eaten its mother!
442
00:17:33,550 --> 00:17:36,507
Mobs of hostile citizens,
inspired by warring ads,
443
00:17:36,508 --> 00:17:38,382
are fire-bombing ice-cream trucks,
444
00:17:38,383 --> 00:17:40,216
overturning bracelet kiosks,
445
00:17:40,217 --> 00:17:43,674
and tearing department-store
mannequins limb from limb!
446
00:17:46,709 --> 00:17:47,799
Welcome to tonight's
447
00:17:47,800 --> 00:17:50,175
Democratic Presidential Debate.
448
00:17:50,176 --> 00:17:52,257
I'm Jake Tapper,
and most of these questions
449
00:17:52,258 --> 00:17:54,341
will have something to do with me.
450
00:17:54,342 --> 00:17:56,299
Candidates, please introduce yourselves.
451
00:17:56,300 --> 00:17:57,799
I'm Senator Elizabeth Warren!
452
00:17:57,800 --> 00:17:59,507
And Joe Biden is an out-of-touch,
453
00:17:59,508 --> 00:18:02,799
zero-percent-Cherokee,
pro-Wall-Street Democrat!
454
00:18:02,800 --> 00:18:04,466
Hey, what's good for Wall Street
455
00:18:04,467 --> 00:18:07,257
is good for Main Street,
or at least Wall Street.
456
00:18:07,258 --> 00:18:09,674
I'm Senator Cory Booker, and Joe Biden
457
00:18:09,675 --> 00:18:11,925
is a sniveling centrist
who doesn't have a girlfriend!
458
00:18:11,926 --> 00:18:13,382
Has the debate started?
459
00:18:13,383 --> 00:18:15,341
'Cause I wouldn't mind
rebutting some of this.
460
00:18:15,342 --> 00:18:16,966
I'm Senator Kamala Harris
461
00:18:16,967 --> 00:18:18,966
of the great state of California.
462
00:18:18,967 --> 00:18:20,883
Finally... someone
who follows the rules.
463
00:18:20,884 --> 00:18:22,341
And Joe Biden hugs too much!
464
00:18:22,342 --> 00:18:24,549
He's probably hugging someone
right now! Look over there!
465
00:18:24,550 --> 00:18:26,091
Drag him!
466
00:18:26,092 --> 00:18:27,382
Look at us.
467
00:18:27,383 --> 00:18:29,507
Our nation is on the brink of civil war,
468
00:18:29,508 --> 00:18:33,008
yet we on this stage can't
put aside our petty squabbles.
469
00:18:33,009 --> 00:18:34,799
We must do better.
470
00:18:37,135 --> 00:18:38,966
Next time watch your nuts!
471
00:18:41,495 --> 00:18:42,507
So, the corporate world
472
00:18:42,508 --> 00:18:44,050
has gone nuclear against me,
473
00:18:44,051 --> 00:18:46,507
including developing
their own nuclear weapons,
474
00:18:46,508 --> 00:18:48,299
but I still have My Pillow.
475
00:18:48,300 --> 00:18:51,841
Speaking of, how are we liking
My Yummy Pizza Friday, huh?
476
00:18:51,842 --> 00:18:54,633
Mr. President, this is the
best pizza I've ever had,
477
00:18:54,634 --> 00:18:57,549
and I'm telling my husband
the exact same thing.
478
00:18:57,550 --> 00:18:59,133
Bullshit! The pizza sucks!
479
00:18:59,134 --> 00:19:00,925
The only reason we're quiet
480
00:19:00,926 --> 00:19:03,549
is it's glued our tongues to our teeth.
481
00:19:03,550 --> 00:19:05,299
Hey, Mike Lindell knows pizza.
482
00:19:05,300 --> 00:19:07,492
If he didn't, why would I think that?
483
00:19:12,759 --> 00:19:14,175
Mike, can you come in here?
484
00:19:14,176 --> 00:19:16,549
Ha, ha! So, the state of Minnesota
485
00:19:16,550 --> 00:19:18,841
doesn't allow me to legally own an oven,
486
00:19:18,842 --> 00:19:22,466
but you wouldn't believe how hot
motel blow dryers get!
487
00:19:22,467 --> 00:19:24,841
Pizza's not hair, Mike.
Just get out of here.
488
00:19:24,842 --> 00:19:27,382
But where will I sleep?! I'm kidding.
489
00:19:27,383 --> 00:19:32,008
With a My Pillow, any park bench
is a California King.
490
00:19:33,204 --> 00:19:34,799
Hell! It was an embarrassment.
491
00:19:34,800 --> 00:19:37,424
I didn't even get a chance
to don my leather jacket
492
00:19:37,425 --> 00:19:38,925
and wiggle my eyebrows!
493
00:19:38,926 --> 00:19:41,299
Your opponents are just jealous
that you're riding
494
00:19:41,300 --> 00:19:43,507
an un-inspected
roller coaster to victory.
495
00:19:43,508 --> 00:19:45,758
Yeah, yeah! And I need
to tear off my lap bar
496
00:19:45,759 --> 00:19:47,424
and run as an independent!
497
00:19:47,425 --> 00:19:50,507
Independent?! Don't you dare,
you monkey's ass.
498
00:19:50,508 --> 00:19:52,799
You're gonna lose this election
for Howard Schultz!
499
00:19:52,800 --> 00:19:54,050
That's a low blow!
500
00:19:54,051 --> 00:19:56,091
You know I'd never spoil it for Howard!
501
00:19:56,092 --> 00:19:57,966
We all want Howard!
502
00:19:58,724 --> 00:19:59,737
Dad would kill us
503
00:19:59,771 --> 00:20:02,091
if he found out we bought
from the competition.
504
00:20:02,092 --> 00:20:03,216
This is so bad!
505
00:20:03,217 --> 00:20:05,466
I feel like a trucker from hell.
506
00:20:05,467 --> 00:20:07,133
- Daddy's home!
- Shit!
507
00:20:07,134 --> 00:20:08,549
Eric, eat the razors
508
00:20:08,550 --> 00:20:11,299
and sit your huge ass on the pizza! NOW!
509
00:20:12,276 --> 00:20:14,674
Is there something I should know?
510
00:20:14,675 --> 00:20:16,424
Uhhhh, y-yeah.
511
00:20:16,425 --> 00:20:19,633
Uh, Mike Lindell's gross pizza
tastes r-really good!
512
00:20:19,634 --> 00:20:21,382
No, it doesn't.
It tastes like the inside
513
00:20:21,383 --> 00:20:23,466
of Mike Pompeo's golf gloves.
514
00:20:23,467 --> 00:20:24,925
What are you hiding?
515
00:20:24,926 --> 00:20:26,674
We bought some Nike shoes
516
00:20:26,675 --> 00:20:29,299
and Ben & Jerry's ice cream!
517
00:20:29,300 --> 00:20:31,507
Okay. As long as that's i...
518
00:20:31,508 --> 00:20:33,592
Wha... What the heck is under Eric?
519
00:20:35,894 --> 00:20:37,341
The pizza that hates me?!
520
00:20:37,342 --> 00:20:38,591
I expect this from Eric
521
00:20:38,592 --> 00:20:41,008
because he doesn't understand
right and wrong,
522
00:20:41,009 --> 00:20:43,175
but not the rest of you, except for Don.
523
00:20:43,176 --> 00:20:44,841
Well, and maybe Ivanka, I guess.
524
00:20:44,842 --> 00:20:47,050
I swear we only went behind your back
525
00:20:47,051 --> 00:20:49,507
because your products suck ass. Honest!
526
00:20:49,508 --> 00:20:52,925
If it makes you feel better,
I-I just swallowed some razors.
527
00:20:52,926 --> 00:20:54,674
Sick! Pass me some blades!
528
00:20:54,675 --> 00:20:58,008
Eric, for any other act of
treason, that would be enough,
529
00:20:58,009 --> 00:21:00,008
but not this.
530
00:21:09,245 --> 00:21:10,841
Next pizza party animal.
531
00:21:10,842 --> 00:21:14,674
Hello. I'm a liberal loser
who'd like a pepperoni pizza
532
00:21:14,675 --> 00:21:17,341
that doesn't taste like
old clams and Clearasil.
533
00:21:17,342 --> 00:21:19,883
Great. Do you want the pepperoni
to spell "Trump sucks"
534
00:21:19,884 --> 00:21:21,216
or, for an extra buck,
535
00:21:21,217 --> 00:21:23,507
we'll draw Trump as a deranged
clown in green peppers?
536
00:21:23,508 --> 00:21:26,424
Not a big veggie guy.
I'll take "Trump sucks."
537
00:21:26,425 --> 00:21:28,799
Oh, and, uh, where's your restroom?
538
00:21:31,956 --> 00:21:34,424
Oh, God! What is wrong with me?!
539
00:21:34,425 --> 00:21:37,368
Why am I eating what hates me?!
540
00:21:37,969 --> 00:21:39,883
Whose side am I on?!
541
00:21:41,884 --> 00:21:45,257
Why must this culture war
tear at the very fabric of...
542
00:21:46,675 --> 00:21:48,633
You get ten more minutes, Mr. President,
543
00:21:48,634 --> 00:21:50,633
then I'm calling the cops.
544
00:21:50,634 --> 00:21:53,341
And that's why I've left
the Democratic Party
545
00:21:53,342 --> 00:21:54,841
to form the Biden Party
546
00:21:54,842 --> 00:21:57,799
which stands for pragmatism, civility,
547
00:21:57,800 --> 00:22:00,257
and a mature approach to governance.
548
00:22:00,804 --> 00:22:01,966
Hey! It's the quiet car!
549
00:22:01,967 --> 00:22:03,549
Exactly. So you should shut up.
550
00:22:03,550 --> 00:22:05,382
No, you shut up!
I'm trying to do some work!
551
00:22:05,383 --> 00:22:07,716
What, some dumb marketing crap?
552
00:22:07,717 --> 00:22:09,257
- Shh! Shh!
- Shh! No, you shush!
553
00:22:09,258 --> 00:22:10,549
La-la-la-la!
554
00:22:10,550 --> 00:22:12,664
Noise-noise-noise-noise!!
555
00:22:13,039 --> 00:22:14,864
Look... at... you.
556
00:22:14,898 --> 00:22:17,382
It's like I'm looking
at myself six years ago,
557
00:22:17,383 --> 00:22:19,216
except you're not trying
to sell your daughter's
558
00:22:19,217 --> 00:22:21,424
Lite-Brite for a bag of flake.
559
00:22:22,651 --> 00:22:24,341
I almost wish I could go back
560
00:22:24,342 --> 00:22:26,799
and not say that thing about Nazis.
561
00:22:26,800 --> 00:22:29,299
Look, I'm just your average crack addict
562
00:22:29,300 --> 00:22:31,257
turned pillow mogul next door,
563
00:22:31,258 --> 00:22:33,549
but here's my glassy-eyed point of view.
564
00:22:33,550 --> 00:22:36,633
You've made politics
so intense that not even
565
00:22:36,634 --> 00:22:39,257
Seafood Shack can stay on the sidelines,
566
00:22:39,258 --> 00:22:40,758
and it's kind of fun.
567
00:22:40,759 --> 00:22:43,633
I don't need drugs because I can
just walk into a restaurant
568
00:22:43,634 --> 00:22:46,175
wearing a MAGA hat, and the ensuing riot
569
00:22:46,176 --> 00:22:49,799
provides everything I crave...
A bullet-train heart rate
570
00:22:49,800 --> 00:22:53,299
and a chorus of voices
screaming that I'm the devil!
571
00:22:53,300 --> 00:22:55,549
Things are pretty intense. Hmm.
572
00:22:55,550 --> 00:22:57,424
I wonder if the country is ready
573
00:22:57,425 --> 00:22:59,633
for that civil war
we all know is coming.
574
00:22:59,634 --> 00:23:02,175
Hey, after a long day of battle,
575
00:23:02,176 --> 00:23:05,674
the child soldiers
can sleep on My Pillow!
576
00:23:07,159 --> 00:23:08,549
Uh, Joe?
577
00:23:09,221 --> 00:23:11,828
Joe! How long have you been here?
578
00:23:11,862 --> 00:23:13,925
Since I got kicked off the train.
579
00:23:13,926 --> 00:23:15,841
So, how's the Biden Party polling?
580
00:23:15,842 --> 00:23:19,424
100% disapproval among marketing dorks!
581
00:23:19,425 --> 00:23:22,591
Joe, don't get frustrated.
It's not 2008.
582
00:23:22,592 --> 00:23:24,341
You're not going to unify this party.
583
00:23:24,342 --> 00:23:26,424
Just go out there
and speak from the heart,
584
00:23:26,425 --> 00:23:28,549
like only Joe Biden can.
585
00:23:28,550 --> 00:23:29,716
Thanks, Barack.
586
00:23:29,717 --> 00:23:32,008
You know, I got
a killer idea for a show.
587
00:23:32,009 --> 00:23:33,382
It's a historical drama...
588
00:23:33,383 --> 00:23:35,633
No! That's a bad idea for a show. Sucks!
589
00:23:35,634 --> 00:23:37,138
See how it feels?
590
00:23:38,006 --> 00:23:40,716
And that's how I
learned that during a rainstorm,
591
00:23:40,717 --> 00:23:43,716
you can always squat
under someone's grill.
592
00:23:43,717 --> 00:23:46,841
Daddy! Pro-Trump patriots
and anti-Trump Antifa
593
00:23:46,842 --> 00:23:49,133
are clashing outside
of Yummy Time Pizza.
594
00:23:49,134 --> 00:23:51,549
They say it might erupt
into a real civil war!
595
00:23:51,550 --> 00:23:54,382
Oh, my God! Did I not just call that?
596
00:23:54,383 --> 00:23:56,716
Mike, tell Ivanka I just called that!
597
00:24:01,176 --> 00:24:03,382
If we lose this battle,
the tide will turn
598
00:24:03,383 --> 00:24:06,133
in Yummy Time Pizza's favor,
and soon all the nation
599
00:24:06,134 --> 00:24:08,841
will be tragically united
in opposition to me.
600
00:24:08,842 --> 00:24:11,050
All right, boys, are you ready?
601
00:24:11,051 --> 00:24:12,716
I feel a little off.
602
00:24:12,717 --> 00:24:14,716
I think it might be the razor blades.
603
00:24:14,717 --> 00:24:17,633
Though it could
also be Mike Lindell's pizza.
604
00:24:17,634 --> 00:24:19,883
Ha, ha! I wouldn't rule it out.
605
00:24:19,884 --> 00:24:23,674
I saw more than a few mites
bunking up in those hair dryers.
606
00:24:23,675 --> 00:24:27,549
Now say the word,
and I'll smother everyone here!
607
00:24:28,717 --> 00:24:30,883
Ivanka, where did you get a horse?
608
00:24:30,884 --> 00:24:33,133
Every Secretary of Commerce gets one.
609
00:24:33,134 --> 00:24:34,925
I'm not gonna tell you
how to do your job.
610
00:24:34,926 --> 00:24:37,091
On the count of "three,"
this war begins,
611
00:24:37,092 --> 00:24:39,341
and no matter who lives and who dies,
612
00:24:39,342 --> 00:24:43,257
at some point, I'm probably
going to have some pizza.
613
00:24:43,258 --> 00:24:46,257
One... two... three!
614
00:24:51,717 --> 00:24:52,966
C'mere, you!
615
00:24:52,967 --> 00:24:56,549
My fellow Americans, I, and no one else,
616
00:24:56,550 --> 00:24:59,091
said four score and seven years ago
617
00:24:59,092 --> 00:25:02,883
that the only thing
we have to fear is fear itself.
618
00:25:02,884 --> 00:25:05,716
So ask not what your country
can do for you,
619
00:25:05,717 --> 00:25:09,925
ask Mr. Gorbachev
to tear down this wall!
620
00:25:09,926 --> 00:25:12,716
I guess what those
immortal words of mine meant
621
00:25:12,717 --> 00:25:15,674
were, "Knock it off!
Stop your bellyaching!
622
00:25:15,675 --> 00:25:19,466
We're lucky to be alive!
Now go back to work!"
623
00:25:20,926 --> 00:25:21,981
Joe
624
00:25:22,015 --> 00:25:23,841
Once again, I gotta bail you out.
625
00:25:23,842 --> 00:25:25,633
Despite what Joe says,
626
00:25:25,634 --> 00:25:27,966
our political differences
are legitimate,
627
00:25:27,967 --> 00:25:29,382
but let me be clear.
628
00:25:29,383 --> 00:25:32,175
There's not a liberal America
and a conservative America;
629
00:25:32,176 --> 00:25:34,799
there's the United States
of America, right?
630
00:25:34,800 --> 00:25:37,050
- Right. Oh, yeah.
- Right, right, right.
631
00:25:37,051 --> 00:25:41,341
Okay, good. So go buy stuff.
Stuff is just stuff.
632
00:25:41,342 --> 00:25:43,966
You know, uh, companies only
get political to make a buck.
633
00:25:43,967 --> 00:25:45,299
- We good here?
- Yeah!
634
00:25:45,300 --> 00:25:47,133
Thank you, Mr. Obama!
635
00:25:47,134 --> 00:25:49,133
Okay, what do you guys think of a show
636
00:25:49,134 --> 00:25:50,758
that takes place at a record store?
637
00:25:50,759 --> 00:25:52,299
- Uh...
- Meh...
638
00:25:52,300 --> 00:25:55,341
What if the store was run
by a father and daughter
639
00:25:55,342 --> 00:25:57,216
with different tastes in music?
640
00:25:57,217 --> 00:25:58,341
- Eh.
- Okay.
641
00:25:58,342 --> 00:25:59,424
Uh, now... now, hold on.
642
00:25:59,425 --> 00:26:02,758
He likes modern music,
she likes the old stuff.
643
00:26:02,759 --> 00:26:05,716
Ha, ha! Even I saw that one comin'!
644
00:26:05,717 --> 00:26:07,716
Eh, forget it. I still think it's solid.
645
00:26:07,717 --> 00:26:09,925
Joe, let's go drone that marketing dork.
646
00:26:09,926 --> 00:26:11,050
Hell yeah!
647
00:26:11,816 --> 00:26:13,799
Well, I got what I came here for.
648
00:26:14,784 --> 00:26:15,883
Hey, Common again,
649
00:26:15,884 --> 00:26:18,466
for the United States
Chamber of Commerce.
650
00:26:18,467 --> 00:26:21,758
After the light skirmishes of
the near civil war this week,
651
00:26:21,759 --> 00:26:23,257
Corporate America has discovered
652
00:26:23,258 --> 00:26:26,841
that people don't wanna shop
in stores that are on fire.
653
00:26:26,842 --> 00:26:29,424
So we're just gonna focus on
selling stuff for profit again.
654
00:26:29,425 --> 00:26:32,549
Ahhh, everything is back
to normal with corporations
655
00:26:32,550 --> 00:26:34,883
controlling American life
in the shadows.
656
00:26:34,884 --> 00:26:37,799
Mike, you're officially
my last business friend,
657
00:26:37,800 --> 00:26:39,633
and that's okay by me.
658
00:26:39,634 --> 00:26:42,466
Thanks, Donald!
Well, I better hit the road.
659
00:26:42,467 --> 00:26:43,758
See ya around, Mike.
660
00:26:43,759 --> 00:26:46,758
See you around, Mr. President
of the United States!
661
00:26:47,048 --> 00:26:49,216
I'll just, uh... My Pillow. Oh...
662
00:26:53,425 --> 00:26:55,841
Ugh! He lives here now, doesn't he?
663
00:26:55,842 --> 00:26:57,175
My Pillow!
664
00:27:55,342 --> 00:27:57,051
Trump!