1 00:00:11,550 --> 00:00:14,159 Uh-oh. Guess I have to stay. 2 00:00:14,160 --> 00:00:17,360 - Synced & corrected by MementMori - -- www.addic7ed.com -- 3 00:00:17,790 --> 00:00:20,800 _ 4 00:00:21,000 --> 00:00:23,079 Ah, today's the day. 5 00:00:23,080 --> 00:00:25,479 Well, you're off in a tizzy this morning, Chuck Todd. 6 00:00:25,480 --> 00:00:27,760 Election Day, sir. The most important day 7 00:00:27,770 --> 00:00:29,104 in the history of democracy. 8 00:00:29,105 --> 00:00:31,460 I get to go on TV and make it all about me. 9 00:00:31,470 --> 00:00:33,867 Little Chuck Todd, always with his head in the clouds 10 00:00:33,868 --> 00:00:35,350 and his hair looking like shit. 11 00:00:35,351 --> 00:00:36,867 ♪ Election Day ♪ 12 00:00:36,868 --> 00:00:38,979 ♪ When everyone is watching the news ♪ 13 00:00:38,980 --> 00:00:41,982 I'm all diapered up and ready to stand for 14 hours. 14 00:00:41,983 --> 00:00:43,999 The most important election of our lifetime. 15 00:00:44,000 --> 00:00:45,599 Plus Nate Silver interviews. 16 00:00:45,600 --> 00:00:47,299 Our algorithm predicts Biden, 17 00:00:47,300 --> 00:00:48,573 but it, uh, also might be Trump. 18 00:00:48,574 --> 00:00:52,599 ♪ And I will stand in front of this giant iPad real confused ♪ 19 00:00:52,600 --> 00:00:55,059 .004 reporting, let's project a winner. 20 00:00:55,060 --> 00:00:59,249 ♪ And I will sacrifice this lamb if Biden starts to lose ♪ 21 00:00:59,250 --> 00:01:01,699 Two men, both Presidential. 22 00:01:01,700 --> 00:01:08,709 ♪ Election day, when everyone tunes into MSNBC in ♪ 23 00:01:08,710 --> 00:01:10,400 - ♪ Prime time ♪ - ♪ Prime time ♪ 24 00:01:10,420 --> 00:01:12,100 - ♪ Prime time ♪ - ♪ Prime time ♪ 25 00:01:12,110 --> 00:01:14,069 ♪ Everyone including all the people ♪ 26 00:01:14,070 --> 00:01:15,659 ♪ Who drove past their polling place ♪ 27 00:01:15,660 --> 00:01:17,699 ♪ And thought the line was just too long to vote ♪ 28 00:01:17,700 --> 00:01:21,309 ♪ Is watching the news ♪ 29 00:01:21,310 --> 00:01:23,400 That's right. It's the news' prom night, 30 00:01:23,410 --> 00:01:26,284 and everyone is watching, including the big man himself. 31 00:01:26,285 --> 00:01:27,719 The question on everyone's mind... 32 00:01:27,720 --> 00:01:29,484 "What is President Trump thinking?" 33 00:01:29,485 --> 00:01:32,087 I wonder if I should dial the fake number 34 00:01:32,088 --> 00:01:34,242 Christie Brinkley gave me in 1982 35 00:01:34,243 --> 00:01:36,452 just in case it's her real number now. 36 00:01:36,453 --> 00:01:38,379 Nah, I don't need her validation, 37 00:01:38,380 --> 00:01:40,659 because I'm an all-knowing Presidential God, 38 00:01:40,660 --> 00:01:41,919 and that will never change. 39 00:01:41,920 --> 00:01:44,268 I don't even need this list of prepared excuses 40 00:01:44,269 --> 00:01:46,790 as to why I lost today's election. 41 00:01:46,800 --> 00:01:49,179 Four years ago, we made a friend. 42 00:01:49,180 --> 00:01:52,320 To express our love, this poem we penned. 43 00:01:52,330 --> 00:01:54,439 Our President smells like lilacs, 44 00:01:54,440 --> 00:01:56,380 a warm and caring listener. 45 00:01:56,390 --> 00:01:59,974 Such an athlete is he, better than both the Williams sisters. 46 00:01:59,975 --> 00:02:03,240 You have shown such grace, despite all you endured, 47 00:02:03,250 --> 00:02:07,429 may your enemies be vanquished, especially Anna Wintour. 48 00:02:07,430 --> 00:02:09,130 No matter what happens today, 49 00:02:09,140 --> 00:02:11,489 it was my honor to stare into a void 50 00:02:11,490 --> 00:02:13,939 while you ranted on the phone for 90 minutes straight. 51 00:02:13,940 --> 00:02:16,939 Those were great times to catch up on chores. 52 00:02:16,940 --> 00:02:18,359 And, if Biden becomes President, 53 00:02:18,360 --> 00:02:20,750 we'll always say your negligent homicides 54 00:02:20,758 --> 00:02:22,708 were not nearly as bad as his gaffes. 55 00:02:22,709 --> 00:02:23,760 Somebody, help! 56 00:02:23,770 --> 00:02:26,040 The "Fox & Friends" have been body-snatched. 57 00:02:26,050 --> 00:02:28,199 Wow, I'm still in this thing, huh? 58 00:02:28,200 --> 00:02:29,879 I haven't felt this bulletproof 59 00:02:29,880 --> 00:02:31,925 since before the Me Too movement. 60 00:02:32,960 --> 00:02:35,419 I brought your favorite... meat lumps. 61 00:02:35,420 --> 00:02:39,391 Kellyanne? I thought I fired you for also getting coronavirus. 62 00:02:39,392 --> 00:02:41,601 Oh, I just swung by to watch your legacy burn. 63 00:02:41,602 --> 00:02:44,179 Hey, Kellyanne, the polls say I'm gonna win, right? 64 00:02:44,180 --> 00:02:46,289 Fuck it. You don't sign my paychecks anymore, 65 00:02:46,290 --> 00:02:47,899 so I'm just gonna be straight with you. 66 00:02:47,900 --> 00:02:50,735 All I've ever wanted is heavily-edited honesty. 67 00:02:50,736 --> 00:02:53,207 The truth is, you're guzzling so much ass 68 00:02:53,208 --> 00:02:54,630 you better use a jumbo straw 69 00:02:54,640 --> 00:02:57,120 so it doesn't dribble down your ugly blobfish chin 70 00:02:57,128 --> 00:02:58,979 and give your fat face a UTI. 71 00:02:58,980 --> 00:03:01,239 Everybody knows you have as much chance of winning 72 00:03:01,240 --> 00:03:03,459 as you do of taking a successful shit 73 00:03:03,460 --> 00:03:05,227 without two Secret Service guys 74 00:03:05,228 --> 00:03:06,977 poking your gut with broomsticks. 75 00:03:06,978 --> 00:03:09,647 Your suits fit you so bad, you look like a cow 76 00:03:09,648 --> 00:03:12,434 wandered into a camping tent and got stuck. 77 00:03:12,435 --> 00:03:14,539 No one likes you, no one will miss you, 78 00:03:14,540 --> 00:03:15,939 and the sun will shine brighter 79 00:03:15,940 --> 00:03:18,027 when your ashes are encased in a gaudy vase 80 00:03:18,028 --> 00:03:20,027 one of your shithead sons will eventually shatter 81 00:03:20,028 --> 00:03:22,109 while masturbating to the thought of his ex-wives 82 00:03:22,110 --> 00:03:24,812 who refuse to talk to him in family court. 83 00:03:24,813 --> 00:03:25,980 Whoa, whoa, whoa! 84 00:03:25,990 --> 00:03:27,729 Save it for the Times. 85 00:03:27,730 --> 00:03:29,139 Also, "The Apprentice" really took a nosedive 86 00:03:29,140 --> 00:03:30,151 after season four. 87 00:03:30,152 --> 00:03:31,599 And stay out! 88 00:03:31,600 --> 00:03:34,189 I spit on all those meat lumps! 89 00:03:35,240 --> 00:03:36,359 What's the password? 90 00:03:36,360 --> 00:03:38,899 - I am not Donald Trump. - Come in. 91 00:03:38,900 --> 00:03:41,779 Hey, you assholes didn't start the party without me, did you? 92 00:03:41,780 --> 00:03:43,839 Nah, it's mostly been us plotting our escape routes 93 00:03:43,840 --> 00:03:45,583 through Washington's sewer systems. 94 00:03:45,584 --> 00:03:46,680 So many regrets. 95 00:03:46,690 --> 00:03:48,134 I could have done more. 96 00:03:48,135 --> 00:03:49,760 There are still a few science books 97 00:03:49,770 --> 00:03:53,129 that don't refer to clouds as "Jesus's beanbag chairs." 98 00:03:53,130 --> 00:03:55,348 I'm ready to cut and run. Who knew how much money you can make 99 00:03:55,350 --> 00:03:56,879 by being allowed to literally print money? 100 00:03:56,880 --> 00:04:00,119 I own several radical Christian military training camps 101 00:04:00,120 --> 00:04:01,999 outside Jerusalem now. 102 00:04:02,000 --> 00:04:04,058 To making out like bandits. 103 00:04:04,059 --> 00:04:05,389 Hear, hear! 104 00:04:05,390 --> 00:04:07,760 We sure did. I checked with human resources, 105 00:04:07,770 --> 00:04:09,590 and they said I can keep this key chain 106 00:04:09,600 --> 00:04:11,770 I found in my desk when I started. 107 00:04:14,690 --> 00:04:17,031 Oh, Mike. History won't remember your name. 108 00:04:18,280 --> 00:04:19,499 Eric, hurry up. 109 00:04:19,500 --> 00:04:22,452 My beautiful dime-piece Kimberly's gonna be here any minute. 110 00:04:22,453 --> 00:04:25,297 Sorry. I asked the dove guy to go easy on the flap, 111 00:04:25,298 --> 00:04:27,124 but he clearly didn't listen. 112 00:04:27,125 --> 00:04:29,479 God, where the hell is Kimberly? 113 00:04:29,480 --> 00:04:32,184 This could be my last day to charge taxpayers 114 00:04:32,185 --> 00:04:34,119 for a wedding then drink so much 115 00:04:34,120 --> 00:04:37,549 I yak mid-way through my 2024 announcement. 116 00:04:37,550 --> 00:04:38,899 What do you think of my vows... 117 00:04:38,900 --> 00:04:40,934 "Hey, Kimberly, get your ass over here." 118 00:04:40,935 --> 00:04:42,859 Are you sure she's on her way? 119 00:04:42,860 --> 00:04:46,219 These officiant's robes are making my skin cry. 120 00:04:46,220 --> 00:04:47,920 God, this blows sack. 121 00:04:47,930 --> 00:04:50,457 No bride, no witness, every single guest 122 00:04:50,458 --> 00:04:52,106 probably stuck in traffic. 123 00:04:52,107 --> 00:04:53,327 Cheer up, Don. 124 00:04:53,328 --> 00:04:55,610 We'll always have each other. 125 00:04:55,611 --> 00:04:56,902 Wait a minute, that's it. 126 00:04:56,903 --> 00:04:58,999 You're the only one who's stood by my side 127 00:04:59,000 --> 00:05:00,259 and slightly behind me 128 00:05:00,260 --> 00:05:01,959 so people wouldn't think we knew each other. 129 00:05:01,960 --> 00:05:04,740 Eric, you beautiful stupid fucking idiot, 130 00:05:04,750 --> 00:05:05,760 will you marry me? 131 00:05:05,770 --> 00:05:09,049 If it means sleeping in the same room as you again, 132 00:05:09,050 --> 00:05:10,375 I'm in. 133 00:05:10,376 --> 00:05:11,751 Eric, you are my brother, 134 00:05:11,752 --> 00:05:14,505 and I love you like a dirty little pet Chihuahua. 135 00:05:14,506 --> 00:05:17,980 - I do. - I do, as well, too. 136 00:05:17,990 --> 00:05:20,759 Fly, boys. Oh, no! 137 00:05:20,760 --> 00:05:22,119 - Aah! - Fuck. 138 00:05:22,120 --> 00:05:24,234 I just realized we never signed a prenup. 139 00:05:24,235 --> 00:05:26,040 You'll be hearing from my lawyers. 140 00:05:26,050 --> 00:05:27,820 Of all the days. 141 00:05:29,190 --> 00:05:32,760 Ivanka, if Donald loses, our life in America is over. 142 00:05:32,770 --> 00:05:34,759 I'm talking death glares on Fifth Avenue 143 00:05:34,760 --> 00:05:36,572 and Broadway actors breaking character 144 00:05:36,573 --> 00:05:38,019 to scream at us about genocide. 145 00:05:38,020 --> 00:05:39,679 Think, Jared. Where can we go? 146 00:05:39,680 --> 00:05:41,029 Who owes us one? 147 00:05:41,030 --> 00:05:42,640 Oh, MBS. 148 00:05:42,650 --> 00:05:45,467 I let him literally chop up the body of one of our journalists. 149 00:05:45,468 --> 00:05:47,047 That should at least get us a couple months 150 00:05:47,048 --> 00:05:48,379 in his pool house, right? 151 00:05:51,020 --> 00:05:53,399 - He sounds busy. - That's it. I'm calling Russia. 152 00:05:53,400 --> 00:05:54,640 Ivanka, no, no! 153 00:05:54,650 --> 00:05:55,740 It took me three years 154 00:05:55,750 --> 00:05:57,840 to shake the stink of those Kislyak meetings. 155 00:05:59,000 --> 00:06:01,859 Ugh, I forgot I don't actually speak Russian. 156 00:06:01,860 --> 00:06:03,840 I just told a U.N. peacekeeper I did 157 00:06:03,850 --> 00:06:06,514 so I could be in a photo-op. 158 00:06:06,515 --> 00:06:08,068 Hey, hey, hey, hey. Just breathe, okay, 159 00:06:08,069 --> 00:06:11,379 and remember your mantra... "Compound interest. 160 00:06:11,380 --> 00:06:14,022 Compound interest." 161 00:06:14,023 --> 00:06:15,449 Thanks, Jared. 162 00:06:15,450 --> 00:06:17,719 Nothing calms me down like looking into the blank, 163 00:06:17,720 --> 00:06:20,153 unforgiving void of your corneas. 164 00:06:20,154 --> 00:06:22,297 Let's just pray we don't end up in Qatar. 165 00:06:22,298 --> 00:06:23,999 They always bring up how they bailed me out 166 00:06:24,000 --> 00:06:26,739 of that $1.6 billion dollar real-estate shit pit. 167 00:06:26,740 --> 00:06:28,940 Ugh, get over yourself, Qatar. 168 00:06:28,950 --> 00:06:33,899 ♪ Election Day, when everyone is watching the news ♪ 169 00:06:33,900 --> 00:06:37,687 ♪ I'm Charles Rod Todd, the man with all the breaking news ♪ 170 00:06:37,688 --> 00:06:40,014 ♪ Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪ 171 00:06:40,015 --> 00:06:42,219 I'm Lester Holt, and I would never rhyme a word 172 00:06:42,220 --> 00:06:43,959 - with the same word. - Now, that hurts. 173 00:06:43,960 --> 00:06:45,799 Reports from polling places in Georgia 174 00:06:45,800 --> 00:06:47,979 have confirmed that instead of ballot boxes, 175 00:06:47,980 --> 00:06:50,934 polling volunteers have been sent boxes of dead crows. 176 00:06:50,935 --> 00:06:53,237 Election officials fear this could be an early indicator 177 00:06:53,238 --> 00:06:55,287 of widespread voter suppression. 178 00:06:55,288 --> 00:06:57,519 Oh, good, they got the crows. 179 00:06:57,520 --> 00:06:59,899 That'll do, lifetime appointees. 180 00:06:59,900 --> 00:07:01,189 That'll do. 181 00:07:03,660 --> 00:07:05,699 Hi, Brett. Is everything okay? 182 00:07:05,700 --> 00:07:09,129 No, nothing is ever okay! 183 00:07:09,130 --> 00:07:11,979 First my confirmation to the Supreme Court 184 00:07:11,980 --> 00:07:14,779 got delayed by two days! 185 00:07:14,780 --> 00:07:19,160 Now the other most powerful people in the country are being butts! 186 00:07:19,170 --> 00:07:20,419 Calm down. 187 00:07:20,420 --> 00:07:23,179 Sobbing only benefits you on-camera. 188 00:07:23,180 --> 00:07:26,397 Oh, right. Just tell the other justices to party with me. 189 00:07:26,398 --> 00:07:28,699 I wanna play my super-fun drinking game 190 00:07:28,700 --> 00:07:31,719 where I take a shot every time I do a keg stand. 191 00:07:31,720 --> 00:07:34,460 The other justices are busy deciding what to do 192 00:07:34,470 --> 00:07:37,772 if they wind up with another Bush v. Gore on their hands. 193 00:07:37,773 --> 00:07:39,980 I think Ruth would've wanted it this way. 194 00:07:40,000 --> 00:07:42,319 Heads, Trump. Tails, Trump. 195 00:07:43,380 --> 00:07:46,320 And in conclusion, as your next President, 196 00:07:46,323 --> 00:07:48,544 I think we should all forgive Donald Trump. 197 00:07:48,545 --> 00:07:50,980 Sure, he can be a little kooky sometimes, 198 00:07:50,990 --> 00:07:54,254 but I think it's for the best if we pretend like he never existed, 199 00:07:54,255 --> 00:07:56,519 except when the two of us go to a Cowboys game 200 00:07:56,520 --> 00:07:58,439 and touch hands in a big bowl of popcorn. 201 00:07:58,440 --> 00:08:00,539 Thank ya mucho. Pretty good, huh? 202 00:08:00,540 --> 00:08:03,039 Uh, it's... well... 203 00:08:03,040 --> 00:08:05,319 It's clear that you wrote it yourself, Dad. 204 00:08:05,320 --> 00:08:08,469 Thanks, Hunter. I even looked up some stuff in the thesaurus. 205 00:08:08,470 --> 00:08:09,527 What stuff is he talking... 206 00:08:09,528 --> 00:08:12,019 I think you should read it to Obama 207 00:08:12,020 --> 00:08:14,060 and your running mate for a second opinion. 208 00:08:14,070 --> 00:08:15,379 We're family, after all, 209 00:08:15,380 --> 00:08:17,812 so we think everything you do is wonderful. 210 00:08:17,813 --> 00:08:19,079 Oh, good point, Jillybean. 211 00:08:19,080 --> 00:08:20,999 They'll give me the heavily-edited truth. 212 00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:24,059 If your father wins, one of us is on pill-cocktail duty, 213 00:08:24,060 --> 00:08:26,740 and the other has to keep him from slipping on wet surfaces 214 00:08:26,750 --> 00:08:28,113 for the next four years. 215 00:08:28,114 --> 00:08:30,879 With my storied history of drug and alcohol abuse, 216 00:08:30,880 --> 00:08:33,820 I should probably do, uh, wet surfaces. 217 00:08:34,660 --> 00:08:37,749 Thank ya mucho. The last part is Spanish. 218 00:08:37,750 --> 00:08:40,134 Instead of worrying about some dull speech, 219 00:08:40,135 --> 00:08:42,620 why don't we do something fun to celebrate election night 220 00:08:42,630 --> 00:08:45,199 - and keep you out of the public eye? - Like what? 221 00:08:45,200 --> 00:08:46,739 - Quesadillas? - Feed the Roomba? 222 00:08:46,740 --> 00:08:48,470 Sorry, but I know Joe pretty well, 223 00:08:48,478 --> 00:08:50,269 and he loves making quesadillas. 224 00:08:50,270 --> 00:08:52,359 I actually know him pretty well, too, 225 00:08:52,360 --> 00:08:53,779 and if there's one thing he loves, 226 00:08:53,780 --> 00:08:55,930 it's feeding the Roomba bits of lint. 227 00:08:55,934 --> 00:08:57,477 - Joe? - Which is it? 228 00:08:57,478 --> 00:09:00,139 I can't choose between my old best friend Barack 229 00:09:00,140 --> 00:09:02,139 and my new best friend, this lady. 230 00:09:02,140 --> 00:09:03,399 Can't we do both? 231 00:09:03,400 --> 00:09:06,269 I guess if you promise to spend Election Night locked in my house, 232 00:09:06,270 --> 00:09:07,629 away from cameras, journalists, 233 00:09:07,630 --> 00:09:09,655 and American voters, we can do both. 234 00:09:09,656 --> 00:09:11,204 Quesadillas, feeding the Roomba, 235 00:09:11,205 --> 00:09:12,999 and becoming President by default? 236 00:09:13,000 --> 00:09:15,779 This is the best day of my life. 237 00:09:15,780 --> 00:09:18,039 I'm Wolf Blitzer, and sometimes I wake up 238 00:09:18,040 --> 00:09:19,899 on the roof of my house. No idea. 239 00:09:19,900 --> 00:09:22,079 As polls begin to close across the country, 240 00:09:22,080 --> 00:09:24,299 many states remain too close to call. 241 00:09:24,300 --> 00:09:25,940 If we look at Wisconsin, 242 00:09:25,950 --> 00:09:28,549 we can see that in 2016 it went red. 243 00:09:28,550 --> 00:09:29,779 Oh, dear. 244 00:09:29,780 --> 00:09:31,819 Something's amiss with Wisconsin. 245 00:09:31,820 --> 00:09:33,697 Let's instead look to Nevada, 246 00:09:33,698 --> 00:09:36,528 where Joe Biden was outperformed in the primary, 247 00:09:36,529 --> 00:09:37,899 but... oh, goodness. 248 00:09:37,900 --> 00:09:39,299 Geez, look at this bing-bong. 249 00:09:39,300 --> 00:09:40,864 How hard is it to touch a screen? 250 00:09:40,865 --> 00:09:43,232 I poke my thousand-inch plasma 24/7. 251 00:09:45,020 --> 00:09:47,340 While our team corrects this technical issue, 252 00:09:47,350 --> 00:09:50,679 perhaps you'd like to get to know the man behind the map. 253 00:09:50,680 --> 00:09:52,359 Me, Wolf Blitzer. 254 00:09:52,360 --> 00:09:56,119 I, uh, enjoy scrambled egg whites. 255 00:09:57,680 --> 00:09:59,339 This is excruciating. 256 00:09:59,340 --> 00:10:01,624 Let's go live to a Democratic rally. 257 00:10:01,625 --> 00:10:05,179 Hello, Wisconsin! 258 00:10:05,180 --> 00:10:07,399 For the past six months we've been begging you 259 00:10:07,400 --> 00:10:09,199 to vote for Joe Biden, 260 00:10:09,200 --> 00:10:12,659 and after tonight we can finally stop doing that. 261 00:10:12,660 --> 00:10:16,359 Joe is a true friend of the progressive movement. 262 00:10:16,360 --> 00:10:18,099 The kind of friend you don't speak to for years, 263 00:10:18,100 --> 00:10:19,444 then they call you out of nowhere 264 00:10:19,445 --> 00:10:21,100 to sell you weight-loss smoothies. 265 00:10:21,110 --> 00:10:25,760 Our revolution will be in good hands with President Biden. 266 00:10:25,770 --> 00:10:27,219 I'm sorry. I can't do this anymore. 267 00:10:27,220 --> 00:10:29,059 A few more hours, Alexandria. 268 00:10:29,060 --> 00:10:31,839 Then we can both scrub our tongues off with steel wool 269 00:10:31,840 --> 00:10:33,229 until 2024. 270 00:10:33,230 --> 00:10:34,547 I'm not even controlling my body. 271 00:10:34,548 --> 00:10:36,677 - This is all reflex. - Eh, fuck it. 272 00:10:36,678 --> 00:10:38,427 Everyone take a ski mask. 273 00:10:38,428 --> 00:10:42,369 Let's torch the precinct on Lombardi Street! 274 00:10:42,370 --> 00:10:45,599 It's been a pleasure upstaging you all this campaign. 275 00:10:45,600 --> 00:10:48,079 I'm sure I'll see roughly one of you in Biden's cabinet. 276 00:10:48,080 --> 00:10:50,854 Damn right. I'll be in the office full of Bud Light cans 277 00:10:50,855 --> 00:10:53,699 with one sip missing and the door marked "Secretary of State." 278 00:10:53,700 --> 00:10:56,939 Hilarious. That role has naturally been pledged to me, 279 00:10:56,940 --> 00:11:00,209 a fluent speaker of... languages. 280 00:11:00,210 --> 00:11:03,349 Over my dead bodies of mouthy interns. 281 00:11:03,350 --> 00:11:06,059 Obama said I'm Secretary of State. 282 00:11:06,060 --> 00:11:07,990 Did Obama promise everyone State? 283 00:11:08,000 --> 00:11:09,269 - Yes. - Fuckin' yes. 284 00:11:09,270 --> 00:11:10,579 Glad I'm not the only dumbass. 285 00:11:10,580 --> 00:11:12,769 The same guy promised to close Guantanamo. 286 00:11:12,770 --> 00:11:14,019 Well, whomever gets the position, 287 00:11:14,020 --> 00:11:17,158 we can all agree they'll do a better job than Hillary Clinton. 288 00:11:17,159 --> 00:11:18,199 - Oh, God, yes. - Amen. 289 00:11:18,200 --> 00:11:20,284 That fuckin' psycho scares me shitless. 290 00:11:20,285 --> 00:11:21,419 That's odd. 291 00:11:21,420 --> 00:11:24,119 I sense someone saying my name in Wisconsin. 292 00:11:24,120 --> 00:11:25,929 Uh, honey, we ain't done with the mortar yet. 293 00:11:25,930 --> 00:11:27,079 Stop squirming. 294 00:11:27,080 --> 00:11:29,279 The 2024 campaign starts now, 295 00:11:29,280 --> 00:11:31,172 and I can't have you running amok. 296 00:11:31,173 --> 00:11:32,830 You know, the inside of this wall 297 00:11:32,840 --> 00:11:34,849 kinda reminds me of Epstein's tape vault. 298 00:11:34,850 --> 00:11:38,119 Why must the good die so suspiciously? 299 00:11:38,120 --> 00:11:40,549 No island talk until the wall is sealed. 300 00:11:40,550 --> 00:11:42,399 Mom, how do I get the pictures of Ghislaine Maxwell 301 00:11:42,400 --> 00:11:43,614 at my wedding off the Inter... 302 00:11:43,615 --> 00:11:46,119 - wait, what are you doing? - I have no choice. 303 00:11:46,120 --> 00:11:48,394 He keeps chewing off his ankle monitor. 304 00:11:48,395 --> 00:11:50,019 I hear the call of the wild. 305 00:11:50,020 --> 00:11:51,309 Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! 306 00:11:51,310 --> 00:11:54,170 - Mother, he'll die in there. - Chels, don't worry, 307 00:11:54,180 --> 00:11:56,707 he's got enough cheese balls to last my first term, 308 00:11:56,708 --> 00:11:58,718 and Prince Andrew is keeping him company. 309 00:11:58,719 --> 00:12:00,599 Charmed I'm sure, Chelsea. 310 00:12:00,600 --> 00:12:01,993 Now, hand me that mortar. 311 00:12:01,994 --> 00:12:04,179 Bezos and I are doing a paint 'n' sip, 312 00:12:04,180 --> 00:12:05,764 and the bricks need time to set. 313 00:12:05,765 --> 00:12:08,439 Hoo-hoo! You better double-layer that to be safe. 314 00:12:08,440 --> 00:12:10,962 Chelsea, help me or get in the wall. 315 00:12:10,963 --> 00:12:13,881 Mommy's got a campaign to announce. 316 00:12:13,882 --> 00:12:18,647 "It's time to save the status Pokémon Quo in 2024 317 00:12:18,648 --> 00:12:21,264 by voting for Chillary Clinton"? 318 00:12:21,265 --> 00:12:22,769 Chillary Clinton? 319 00:12:22,770 --> 00:12:24,179 What the hell is she doing? 320 00:12:24,180 --> 00:12:26,739 We agreed she'd wait until 2032. 321 00:12:26,740 --> 00:12:29,119 That goddamn Hulu documentary 322 00:12:29,120 --> 00:12:31,819 was supposed to keep her in an edit bay through winter. 323 00:12:31,820 --> 00:12:32,980 Heaven help us. 324 00:12:32,990 --> 00:12:35,600 I thought your people didn't do the heaven thing. 325 00:12:35,610 --> 00:12:37,039 Half my constituents are Catholic. 326 00:12:37,040 --> 00:12:38,072 Take a fuckin' knee. 327 00:12:38,073 --> 00:12:40,349 Oh, God. 328 00:12:40,350 --> 00:12:41,409 I'm down. 329 00:12:41,410 --> 00:12:43,829 Dear God, please let Joe Biden win the election 330 00:12:43,830 --> 00:12:45,750 for the sake of Democracy and all that. 331 00:12:45,760 --> 00:12:47,009 But if you have to let Trump win 332 00:12:47,010 --> 00:12:48,439 to keep us swimming in donor cash, 333 00:12:48,440 --> 00:12:49,699 we're cool with that, too. 334 00:12:49,700 --> 00:12:51,479 The end is near! 335 00:12:51,480 --> 00:12:54,459 - God? - He sounds so angry. 336 00:12:54,460 --> 00:12:56,299 This is it, people! 337 00:12:56,300 --> 00:12:59,524 Add butter and a pinch of salt to your cyanide capsules, 338 00:12:59,525 --> 00:13:02,439 because the Deep State has come for President Trump. 339 00:13:02,440 --> 00:13:05,160 And just when the country was finally running smoothly 340 00:13:05,170 --> 00:13:07,154 and my accuser was being silenced. 341 00:13:07,155 --> 00:13:08,300 ♪ Dun, da-da-da-dun ♪ 342 00:13:08,320 --> 00:13:10,240 ♪ Da-da-da-da-da da-da-da-da-dun ♪ 343 00:13:10,250 --> 00:13:12,479 ♪ Election day ♪ 344 00:13:12,480 --> 00:13:15,119 ♪ When everyone's engorging the news ♪ 345 00:13:15,120 --> 00:13:17,299 Sean? Let me in. I'm scared. 346 00:13:17,300 --> 00:13:19,200 My beloved Ainsley Earhardt. 347 00:13:19,210 --> 00:13:20,259 You sound muffled. 348 00:13:20,260 --> 00:13:21,599 Are you wearing a face mask? 349 00:13:21,600 --> 00:13:24,714 Those minimum-wage tyrants from lobby security forced me to. 350 00:13:24,715 --> 00:13:26,600 I want to ride out the apocalypse with you, 351 00:13:26,610 --> 00:13:28,799 but I can't get inside. 352 00:13:28,800 --> 00:13:30,709 That's because I welded the doors, windows, 353 00:13:30,710 --> 00:13:31,999 and air vents shut. 354 00:13:32,000 --> 00:13:34,259 Totally unrelated, but I can't breathe, 355 00:13:34,260 --> 00:13:35,849 and I'm not going to fall sleep, 356 00:13:35,850 --> 00:13:38,779 but I am going to rest my eyes for a minute. 357 00:13:40,010 --> 00:13:42,419 I don't think Hannity's heart is in it tonight. 358 00:13:42,420 --> 00:13:46,260 "...and gleaming entrails strung up like garland." 359 00:13:46,270 --> 00:13:47,774 You're the only speechwriter 360 00:13:47,775 --> 00:13:50,060 whose words make me queasy... good work. 361 00:13:50,070 --> 00:13:52,563 - Time to stick the landing, Stevie. - Yes, Sire. 362 00:13:52,564 --> 00:13:54,667 "From the killing fields of Detroit 363 00:13:54,668 --> 00:13:56,998 to the bloodbaths of outer Detroit, 364 00:13:56,999 --> 00:14:00,400 I will always be your God." 365 00:14:00,410 --> 00:14:01,874 Now, that's an acceptance speech. 366 00:14:01,875 --> 00:14:03,179 Who's going to be on stage? 367 00:14:03,180 --> 00:14:06,620 The only people who have RSVP'd are you, me, and Herman Cain, 368 00:14:06,630 --> 00:14:08,119 who probably won't, uh... 369 00:14:08,120 --> 00:14:10,873 - I mean you never know, but no. - That's all? 370 00:14:10,874 --> 00:14:13,637 Has firing every friend, staffer, and four-star general 371 00:14:13,638 --> 00:14:16,764 I've ever employed kept them from walking me down the aisle? 372 00:14:16,765 --> 00:14:18,819 All those hacks couldn't take it. 373 00:14:18,820 --> 00:14:20,214 You're right, Stevie. 374 00:14:20,215 --> 00:14:23,886 All those has-beens' lives ended the day they walked out of here. 375 00:14:23,887 --> 00:14:26,430 ♪ You're one of us ♪ 376 00:14:26,431 --> 00:14:28,749 ♪ You wrote a memoir to seem ♪ 377 00:14:28,750 --> 00:14:32,889 ♪ Less complicit in racism ♪ 378 00:14:32,890 --> 00:14:37,709 ♪ You're former sycophants ♪ 379 00:14:37,710 --> 00:14:40,747 So, how are all my favorite former co-workers doing? 380 00:14:40,748 --> 00:14:42,989 - Great. - I need a drink. 381 00:14:42,990 --> 00:14:45,039 "Masked Singer" hard-passed again? 382 00:14:45,040 --> 00:14:47,540 Nah, brother killed another dog. 383 00:14:47,550 --> 00:14:50,704 Bolton, you're payin' for this beer with your rat money. 384 00:14:50,705 --> 00:14:52,299 Speaking of, did you guys get a chance 385 00:14:52,300 --> 00:14:53,779 to look at my manuscript? 386 00:14:53,780 --> 00:14:56,719 The bones are there, but just like an Iranian hospital, 387 00:14:56,720 --> 00:14:58,835 a Trump tell-all needs bombshells. 388 00:14:58,836 --> 00:15:01,604 You left out the time he sleep-walked into the War Room 389 00:15:01,605 --> 00:15:03,819 and ordered the destruction of Diane Keaton. 390 00:15:03,820 --> 00:15:04,959 Hey, y'all. 391 00:15:04,960 --> 00:15:06,540 - Jeff. Jeff. - Jeff. Jeff. 392 00:15:06,550 --> 00:15:08,694 How's life treating you, little freaky guy? 393 00:15:08,695 --> 00:15:11,319 Like it planted a marijuana cigarette on me. 394 00:15:11,320 --> 00:15:12,940 Still upset about your Senate race? 395 00:15:12,950 --> 00:15:14,219 Naw, it's not that. 396 00:15:14,220 --> 00:15:16,859 They're tearin' down all my favorite statues. 397 00:15:16,860 --> 00:15:20,025 Now how am I supposed to learn about the Civil War? 398 00:15:20,026 --> 00:15:21,994 Don't cry because they're being removed, 399 00:15:21,995 --> 00:15:23,849 smile because what they stood for 400 00:15:23,850 --> 00:15:27,451 is still enshrined in every city's bloated police budget. 401 00:15:27,452 --> 00:15:28,519 Look at us. 402 00:15:28,520 --> 00:15:33,240 One dangerously incompetent boss made five friends for life. 403 00:15:33,250 --> 00:15:34,620 C'mon, who'd y'all vote for? 404 00:15:34,630 --> 00:15:36,019 Trump. 405 00:15:36,020 --> 00:15:40,499 ♪ You're former sycophants ♪ 406 00:15:40,500 --> 00:15:44,499 And now for my final attempt to crack open the Russia investigation. 407 00:15:44,500 --> 00:15:45,938 We have new footage of Don Jr. 408 00:15:45,939 --> 00:15:48,429 exiting a Bethesda Tilted Kilt 409 00:15:48,430 --> 00:15:51,067 only six hours before his infamous Russia meeting. 410 00:15:51,068 --> 00:15:52,947 Fact... on the day of the Wikileaks dump, 411 00:15:52,948 --> 00:15:55,459 Eric Trump was also spotted at a Tilted Kilt, 412 00:15:55,460 --> 00:15:57,989 ordering a basket of spiceless chicken wings. 413 00:15:57,990 --> 00:16:01,579 Was this a co-conspiracy or was Don Jr. actually coming 414 00:16:01,580 --> 00:16:03,659 from the Play It Again Sports next door? 415 00:16:03,660 --> 00:16:05,119 Of course. That's it. 416 00:16:05,120 --> 00:16:07,139 Rachel, you Russophobic Nancy Drew. 417 00:16:07,140 --> 00:16:09,339 You didn't lose all your family and friends for nothing. 418 00:16:09,340 --> 00:16:10,951 You've finally cracked the case. 419 00:16:10,952 --> 00:16:12,036 The answer is... 420 00:16:15,178 --> 00:16:19,079 Hey, Instagram Live guys, gals, and other gender identities 421 00:16:19,080 --> 00:16:21,320 which I am learning about with each passing day. 422 00:16:21,330 --> 00:16:24,119 There's only one hour left before the polls close. 423 00:16:24,120 --> 00:16:26,679 I just wanna make one last plea in case some of you 424 00:16:26,680 --> 00:16:29,139 are still unsure where I stand on malarkey. 425 00:16:29,140 --> 00:16:30,160 Joe? What are you doing? 426 00:16:30,170 --> 00:16:31,739 Nothin', just chattin' with Siri. 427 00:16:31,740 --> 00:16:33,540 Hey, Siri, what's up? 428 00:16:33,550 --> 00:16:35,059 Give me that phone, Joe. 429 00:16:35,060 --> 00:16:37,699 A powerful, and dare I say, 430 00:16:37,700 --> 00:16:41,419 Presidential final message from Vice President Joe Biden. 431 00:16:41,420 --> 00:16:42,479 In other election news, 432 00:16:42,480 --> 00:16:45,260 volunteers at the most populous polling place in Maine 433 00:16:45,270 --> 00:16:48,679 are reporting major delays, thanks to Senator Susan Collins, 434 00:16:48,680 --> 00:16:52,327 who has been standing in the same voting booth since dawn. 435 00:16:52,928 --> 00:16:56,248 Okay, Susan, time to make up your mind. 436 00:16:56,249 --> 00:16:58,560 Hmm. Biden or Trump? 437 00:16:58,570 --> 00:17:02,139 Everyone's wondering which way Susan Collins will swing. 438 00:17:02,140 --> 00:17:03,789 C'mon, lady. 439 00:17:03,790 --> 00:17:06,840 I love Joe Biden's incessant physical attention, 440 00:17:06,850 --> 00:17:10,184 but then again, Donald Trump has shown great growth 441 00:17:10,185 --> 00:17:11,960 in the wake of his impeachment. 442 00:17:11,980 --> 00:17:14,499 For example... me saying that he has. 443 00:17:14,500 --> 00:17:15,739 Hurry the eff up! 444 00:17:15,740 --> 00:17:17,420 I know... Brumpen. 445 00:17:17,430 --> 00:17:19,389 You can't combine the names. 446 00:17:19,390 --> 00:17:21,720 Brumpen, that's my vote. 447 00:17:21,740 --> 00:17:24,769 And here we go. Hmm. 448 00:17:24,770 --> 00:17:27,859 Shall I bubble in with royal or oxford blue? 449 00:17:29,573 --> 00:17:32,826 "Officials warn of Russian election interference." 450 00:17:32,827 --> 00:17:36,621 Oh, good, maybe the Russians will vote for me. 451 00:17:37,560 --> 00:17:39,704 And also the walls are closing in 452 00:17:39,705 --> 00:17:41,166 and I need your help or I might die. 453 00:17:41,167 --> 00:17:42,629 Relax. Look at it this way... 454 00:17:42,630 --> 00:17:45,629 all of your troubles are 8,000 miles away from me. 455 00:17:45,630 --> 00:17:48,754 Can't you throw me another Western World-destabilizing bone? 456 00:17:48,755 --> 00:17:50,779 I gotta be honest. I'm not sure I can put up 457 00:17:50,780 --> 00:17:52,160 with another four years of this. 458 00:17:52,170 --> 00:17:54,359 It's always, "Putin. Hack my election." 459 00:17:54,360 --> 00:17:55,999 Never, "Putin, how are you? 460 00:17:56,000 --> 00:17:58,267 Congratulations on your hacked election." 461 00:17:58,268 --> 00:18:01,434 I'm begging you. Things are not great over here. 462 00:18:01,435 --> 00:18:02,719 Keep it moving, folks. 463 00:18:02,720 --> 00:18:05,994 There are two NDA lines... one for staff and family, 464 00:18:05,995 --> 00:18:07,539 and one for cleaning ladies 465 00:18:07,540 --> 00:18:10,579 whose cleavage I spilled relish down so I could go fetch it. 466 00:18:10,580 --> 00:18:13,319 Hi, Rudy. It's a beautiful day. 467 00:18:13,320 --> 00:18:15,299 - Where do I sign? - Wow, Melania, 468 00:18:15,300 --> 00:18:16,459 I haven't seen you this happy 469 00:18:16,460 --> 00:18:18,179 since the doctors were removing phlegm 470 00:18:18,180 --> 00:18:20,159 from Donald's lungs with ice-cream scoops. 471 00:18:20,160 --> 00:18:21,319 I'll sign in blood. 472 00:18:21,320 --> 00:18:23,167 Just get me the fuck out of here. 473 00:18:23,168 --> 00:18:25,199 Sorry, Trumpy, I can't help you. 474 00:18:25,200 --> 00:18:26,859 Besides, I'm kinda curious to see 475 00:18:26,860 --> 00:18:28,579 what'll happen with this Biden guy. 476 00:18:30,020 --> 00:18:33,930 ♪ What's gonna change? ♪ 477 00:18:33,940 --> 00:18:37,979 ♪ Will I get to stay the President ♪ 478 00:18:37,980 --> 00:18:40,399 ♪ Or be banished to Fox News ♪ 479 00:18:40,400 --> 00:18:43,479 ♪ And stoke some violence there instead? ♪ 480 00:18:43,480 --> 00:18:45,899 - ♪ What's gonna change? ♪ - ♪ What's gonna change? ♪ 481 00:18:45,900 --> 00:18:49,369 ♪ Will I stay stuck in this basement ♪ 482 00:18:49,370 --> 00:18:52,079 ♪ Or will I get to fall asleep ♪ 483 00:18:52,080 --> 00:18:56,679 ♪ Every day at the Resolute Desk instead? ♪ 484 00:18:56,680 --> 00:18:59,909 - ♪ What's gonna change? ♪ - ♪ Oh ♪ 485 00:18:59,910 --> 00:19:02,959 ♪ I am married to my brother now ♪ 486 00:19:02,960 --> 00:19:04,499 ♪ And I the bride ♪ 487 00:19:04,500 --> 00:19:06,819 ♪ He's the bride, I'm the groom ♪ ♪ Don't frickin' get it confused ♪ 488 00:19:06,820 --> 00:19:09,880 ♪ We know things will change, but not how ♪ 489 00:19:09,881 --> 00:19:12,007 ♪ What's gonna change? ♪ 490 00:19:12,008 --> 00:19:14,385 ♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪ 491 00:19:14,386 --> 00:19:18,509 ♪ Will our enormous wealth keep things the same? ♪ 492 00:19:18,510 --> 00:19:20,679 ♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪ 493 00:19:20,680 --> 00:19:23,599 ♪ What's gonna ♪ 494 00:19:23,600 --> 00:19:26,648 - ♪ Chaaaaaaaaaa... ♪ - ♪ Will I get to start a civil war? ♪ 495 00:19:26,649 --> 00:19:30,276 ♪ Or stop pretending to be Christian anymore? ♪ 496 00:19:32,028 --> 00:19:34,377 And the results are in... conclusive. 497 00:19:34,378 --> 00:19:36,879 I'll be live in-studio until the election is called, 498 00:19:36,880 --> 00:19:38,859 which means Christmas came early for those of us 499 00:19:38,860 --> 00:19:41,621 who love to sleep in our work socks. 500 00:19:41,622 --> 00:19:44,340 A blow to democracy, a boon to TV newscasters. 501 00:19:44,350 --> 00:19:46,760 But the million-dollar year-end bonus question is, 502 00:19:46,770 --> 00:19:48,579 when will we know who's won the election? 503 00:19:48,580 --> 00:19:50,672 My guess is sometime in the future. 504 00:19:50,673 --> 00:19:51,779 What the ass? 505 00:19:51,780 --> 00:19:53,882 Eh, it's always been kind of a lose/lose for me. 506 00:19:53,883 --> 00:19:55,439 We were winning. What happened? 507 00:19:55,440 --> 00:19:58,220 Besides adding in the cities where all the people live? 508 00:19:58,221 --> 00:20:00,234 I could put the COVID-19 task force 509 00:20:00,235 --> 00:20:01,439 on the hunt for voter fraud. 510 00:20:01,440 --> 00:20:02,799 We're not really doing much else. 511 00:20:02,800 --> 00:20:04,226 Brings a tear to my eye. 512 00:20:04,227 --> 00:20:05,919 Oh, no, wait, that's the knock-off cologne 513 00:20:05,920 --> 00:20:07,679 I bought from a street vendor at 4:00 a.m. 514 00:20:07,680 --> 00:20:10,191 on my way out of Kurt's Magic Titty Parlor. 515 00:20:10,192 --> 00:20:12,818 This... is... awesome! 516 00:20:12,819 --> 00:20:15,019 It is way past my bedtime. 517 00:20:15,020 --> 00:20:17,840 Oh, come on. Who do I have to drone to get some results? 518 00:20:17,850 --> 00:20:18,907 Relax. 519 00:20:18,908 --> 00:20:21,127 I was begrudgingly elected the nominee, 520 00:20:21,128 --> 00:20:23,912 and I'll be begrudgingly elected President. 521 00:20:23,913 --> 00:20:25,579 Calm down, guys. We just need to win 522 00:20:25,580 --> 00:20:28,060 one of the states where Hillary was burned in effigy. 523 00:20:28,070 --> 00:20:31,379 I'm feeling a little tense. Anybody got 10,000 cigarettes? 524 00:20:31,388 --> 00:20:35,299 Chuck, what does this mean for infrastructure week? 525 00:20:35,300 --> 00:20:36,519 We may not know the winner, 526 00:20:36,520 --> 00:20:38,919 but at least we know it's not Bernie Sanders. 527 00:20:38,920 --> 00:20:40,119 And the Democrats have lost 528 00:20:40,120 --> 00:20:41,779 at least six seats in the House. 529 00:20:41,780 --> 00:20:43,799 Embarrassing. And that's coming from Chuck Todd. 530 00:20:43,800 --> 00:20:45,279 - Ouch. - God damn it, Nancy! 531 00:20:45,280 --> 00:20:47,139 What did you think was gonna fucking happen?! 532 00:20:47,140 --> 00:20:49,353 Everybody told you that this was gonna fucking happen! 533 00:20:49,354 --> 00:20:50,649 I called you every goddamn day 534 00:20:50,650 --> 00:20:52,649 telling you this was gonna happen, you fu... 535 00:20:52,650 --> 00:20:54,319 I won. I won! 536 00:20:54,320 --> 00:20:57,319 Looks like dragging myself across the bathroom floor 537 00:20:57,320 --> 00:20:59,499 of the Republican Party, reaching into the toilet, 538 00:20:59,500 --> 00:21:02,999 and hugging the biggest turd in the bowl was all worth it. 539 00:21:03,000 --> 00:21:06,339 That was a close one for old Susan Collins, 540 00:21:06,340 --> 00:21:09,719 but I knew I could do it if I stuck to my principles, 541 00:21:09,720 --> 00:21:11,539 whatever they may be. 542 00:21:11,540 --> 00:21:14,180 Either I get four years of judicial appointments 543 00:21:14,190 --> 00:21:16,239 or four years of congressional gridlock. 544 00:21:16,240 --> 00:21:17,839 Either way, I'm whistling Dixie 545 00:21:17,840 --> 00:21:20,424 till God sends a big, ol' thunderbolt through my skull. 546 00:21:20,425 --> 00:21:22,320 Who did they say won? Eh, who cares. 547 00:21:22,330 --> 00:21:24,560 I'm gonna try to go all four years without finding out. 548 00:21:24,570 --> 00:21:26,559 LMFAO AF. 549 00:21:26,560 --> 00:21:28,279 Okay, now, who, like, wants to help me 550 00:21:28,280 --> 00:21:30,438 build a new self-driving deathtrap? 551 00:21:30,439 --> 00:21:32,859 Well, Jill, we won, right? 552 00:21:32,860 --> 00:21:36,239 It feels like we won, right? A-Am I crazy or not? I... 553 00:21:36,240 --> 00:21:38,619 We sure did. Now, get out there 554 00:21:38,620 --> 00:21:42,279 and tell the American people that the next few days to months 555 00:21:42,280 --> 00:21:43,909 are gonna suck ass. 556 00:21:43,910 --> 00:21:46,319 Don, whatever happens after this, 557 00:21:46,320 --> 00:21:49,160 you'll always be the greatest disappointment of my life. 558 00:21:49,170 --> 00:21:51,939 Thanks, Dad. Now, get out there 559 00:21:51,940 --> 00:21:53,449 and tell the American people 560 00:21:53,450 --> 00:21:55,658 that the election has been compromised 561 00:21:55,659 --> 00:21:58,519 by an army of Venezuelan single moms. 562 00:21:58,520 --> 00:21:59,884 Shut up, that was my idea. 563 00:21:59,885 --> 00:22:01,260 Hey, gang. 564 00:22:01,280 --> 00:22:04,777 Thanks for coming to this month's White House super-spreader event. 565 00:22:04,778 --> 00:22:06,379 I'm gonna keep this tradition going 566 00:22:06,380 --> 00:22:08,469 till I'm the last man wheezing. 567 00:22:08,470 --> 00:22:09,739 Don't be fooled, people. 568 00:22:09,740 --> 00:22:12,039 I won this election fair and square. 569 00:22:12,040 --> 00:22:13,750 I don't care what the pundits say, 570 00:22:13,760 --> 00:22:15,699 what the papers say, or what the voters say. 571 00:22:15,700 --> 00:22:16,818 I'm not giving up. 572 00:22:16,819 --> 00:22:18,499 As God as my witness, 573 00:22:18,500 --> 00:22:22,519 I will never stop fighting the will of the American people. 574 00:22:23,534 --> 00:22:24,879 Hello, Delaware. 575 00:22:24,880 --> 00:22:27,079 I'm here to give a brief, hasty speech 576 00:22:27,080 --> 00:22:30,979 because I'm awake after 9:00, and it's cold as Blitzen's tits. 577 00:22:30,980 --> 00:22:32,039 Ain't it great, folks? 578 00:22:32,040 --> 00:22:34,119 I won a nail-biter against the devil. 579 00:22:34,120 --> 00:22:36,019 I can't believe so many of you went out 580 00:22:36,020 --> 00:22:37,869 and voted for me during a pandemic. 581 00:22:37,870 --> 00:22:41,339 If you get sick, just send me your $30,000 hospital bill, 582 00:22:41,340 --> 00:22:42,676 and I'll autograph it. 583 00:22:42,677 --> 00:22:45,524 The pollsters must stop counting the fraudulent votes 584 00:22:45,525 --> 00:22:48,279 in Wisconsin, Michigan, and Pennsylvania. 585 00:22:48,280 --> 00:22:50,499 But keep counting Georgia. I think I've got a shot there. 586 00:22:50,500 --> 00:22:52,299 By the way, isn't my election-night speech 587 00:22:52,300 --> 00:22:53,659 so much better than Biden's? 588 00:22:53,660 --> 00:22:55,879 I even provided pre-show entertainment... 589 00:22:55,880 --> 00:22:57,759 Fox News on big screens. 590 00:22:57,760 --> 00:22:59,997 These Georgia numbers are not looking good 591 00:22:59,998 --> 00:23:02,529 - for President Tru... - La, la, la, la, la! Moving on. 592 00:23:02,530 --> 00:23:06,099 I'm the one man who can bring this divided nation back together, 593 00:23:06,100 --> 00:23:08,620 sort of like when a delivery guy falls off his bike 594 00:23:08,630 --> 00:23:10,989 and a bunch of pedestrians scramble over to help him 595 00:23:10,990 --> 00:23:13,199 and realize, "Wow, we're all totally different, 596 00:23:13,200 --> 00:23:15,750 but we're all super worried about this guy." 597 00:23:15,752 --> 00:23:19,139 We won Ohio, we won Texas, and we won Florida twice. 598 00:23:19,140 --> 00:23:20,679 We're definitely gonna win that state 599 00:23:20,680 --> 00:23:22,759 with all the lazy-eyed weirdos in work boots. 600 00:23:22,760 --> 00:23:24,384 What's it called? Fucksville? 601 00:23:24,385 --> 00:23:25,594 Oh, yeah, Pennsylvania. 602 00:23:25,595 --> 00:23:28,139 Now, Donald Trump's gonna tell you he's President, 603 00:23:28,140 --> 00:23:29,699 but don't listen to that lunkhead, 604 00:23:29,700 --> 00:23:32,799 unless he's talking about how fracking is the wave of the future. 605 00:23:32,800 --> 00:23:34,879 We need to exhibit patience, people. 606 00:23:34,880 --> 00:23:36,669 Like Jill does when I use the blender 607 00:23:36,670 --> 00:23:39,149 and get strawberry guts all over the ceiling. 608 00:23:39,150 --> 00:23:41,247 I can't believe I lost Arizona. 609 00:23:41,248 --> 00:23:43,339 And here I was, thinking I turned a corner 610 00:23:43,340 --> 00:23:45,454 with John McCain's ugly pig family. 611 00:23:45,455 --> 00:23:47,859 If I could take back the insults I threw at Donald Trump 612 00:23:47,860 --> 00:23:49,639 at that White House Correspondents' Dinner 613 00:23:49,640 --> 00:23:51,020 that led him to run for president 614 00:23:51,030 --> 00:23:52,597 and destroy democracy, I would. 615 00:23:52,598 --> 00:23:54,289 Actually, no, I wouldn't. Fuck that guy. 616 00:23:54,290 --> 00:23:56,819 I'm being told some repo guys from Deutsche Bank 617 00:23:56,820 --> 00:23:58,137 are pulling up in the driveway, 618 00:23:58,138 --> 00:23:59,557 so if we could just hit the lights 619 00:23:59,558 --> 00:24:00,949 and pretend no one's home... 620 00:24:02,240 --> 00:24:05,979 Hello! I'm here to collect $400 million worth of stuff! 621 00:24:05,980 --> 00:24:08,447 Shh-shh-shh. Shut up. Shut up. 622 00:24:11,818 --> 00:24:13,142 Okay, I think we're good. 623 00:24:13,143 --> 00:24:16,999 Wow, am I gonna have a nutso time the next four years 624 00:24:17,000 --> 00:24:19,179 trying to get anything done while Conservatives 625 00:24:19,180 --> 00:24:21,299 and Progressives both hate my guts. 626 00:24:21,300 --> 00:24:23,799 I'm entering office with the slimmest of mandates, 627 00:24:23,800 --> 00:24:26,240 a Republican Congress that claims I'm Castro, 628 00:24:26,248 --> 00:24:30,149 and a heart that's 78 years old, but the victory's already won. 629 00:24:30,150 --> 00:24:33,137 We made Donald Trump a one-term president 630 00:24:33,138 --> 00:24:36,399 by replacing him with a one-term president! 631 00:24:37,874 --> 00:24:39,899 You thought you could get rid of me, America, 632 00:24:39,900 --> 00:24:41,400 but I'm never going away. 633 00:24:41,410 --> 00:24:45,629 I'm like Freddie Krueger on some serious anti-inflammatory steroids. 634 00:24:45,630 --> 00:24:49,039 Don't worry. I'm not gonna let Democrats steal this election. 635 00:24:49,040 --> 00:24:51,479 We're taking this all the way to the Supreme Court. 636 00:24:51,480 --> 00:24:53,840 I got my justice buddies watching my back... 637 00:24:53,850 --> 00:24:56,899 nerdy guy, abortion lady, and my main man, 638 00:24:56,900 --> 00:24:59,219 I wanna say, Bill Kavanaugh. 639 00:24:59,220 --> 00:25:00,699 Assuming he's not black-out drunk 640 00:25:00,700 --> 00:25:01,983 for the next week and a half. 641 00:25:01,984 --> 00:25:03,429 Whoo! 642 00:25:03,430 --> 00:25:06,850 _ 643 00:25:06,890 --> 00:25:10,109 _ 644 00:25:10,110 --> 00:25:11,819 - _ - Don't worry. 645 00:25:11,820 --> 00:25:13,319 Pennsylvania loves me. 646 00:25:13,320 --> 00:25:15,599 I'm from West Philadelphia, born and raised. 647 00:25:15,600 --> 00:25:16,830 Oh, wait. That's "Fresh Prince." 648 00:25:16,831 --> 00:25:19,267 Biden wins Pennsylvania, and that's the game... 649 00:25:19,268 --> 00:25:22,634 the baseball game, the presidential baseball game. 650 00:25:22,635 --> 00:25:24,881 Can anyone give me a lift to Argentina? 651 00:25:37,518 --> 00:25:41,938 ♪ Why do we do this to ourselves? ♪ 652 00:25:41,939 --> 00:25:44,019 ♪ Campaign for two to four years ♪ 653 00:25:44,020 --> 00:25:48,020 ♪ And give this figurehead presidency so much weight? ♪ 654 00:25:48,029 --> 00:25:52,890 ♪ When has putting one white man in charge ♪ 655 00:25:52,900 --> 00:25:56,339 ♪ Led to anything other than ♪ ♪ Genocide, slavery ♪ 656 00:25:56,340 --> 00:25:59,427 ♪ Chiquita Banana, and Watergate? ♪ 657 00:25:59,428 --> 00:26:02,918 ♪ Let's be real here, money ♪ 658 00:26:02,919 --> 00:26:05,799 ♪ We did it for money ♪ 659 00:26:05,800 --> 00:26:08,980 ♪ And sometimes the power ♪ 660 00:26:08,990 --> 00:26:11,699 ♪ But mostly the money ♪ 661 00:26:11,700 --> 00:26:14,239 ♪ I mean, a hundred ♪ 662 00:26:14,240 --> 00:26:16,849 ♪ $120 million ♪ 663 00:26:16,850 --> 00:26:19,470 ♪ Is my personal net worth ♪ 664 00:26:19,480 --> 00:26:22,879 ♪ You think I'd get that as a Gap sales associate? ♪ 665 00:26:22,880 --> 00:26:24,407 ♪ I don't think so ♪ 666 00:26:24,408 --> 00:26:25,979 ♪ And so we'll reach across the aisle ♪ 667 00:26:25,980 --> 00:26:27,570 ♪ If the hand we're shaking with ♪ 668 00:26:27,578 --> 00:26:30,821 ♪ Has a check from Monsanto wrapped up in its fist ♪ 669 00:26:30,822 --> 00:26:33,380 ♪ We work together to keep Bill's record clean ♪ 670 00:26:33,390 --> 00:26:36,749 ♪ And hide that little black book of Jeffrey Epstein's ♪ 671 00:26:36,750 --> 00:26:37,912 ♪ Jeffrey ♪ 672 00:26:37,928 --> 00:26:40,831 ♪ He was a personal friend of mine ♪ 673 00:26:40,832 --> 00:26:42,517 ♪ They cut him down in his prime ♪ 674 00:26:42,518 --> 00:26:45,359 ♪ But the power he exploited with his money in life ♪ 675 00:26:45,360 --> 00:26:48,499 ♪ Is the American dream played out before our eyes ♪ 676 00:26:48,500 --> 00:26:51,397 ♪ Oh, sweet Jesus, call on me ♪ 677 00:26:51,398 --> 00:26:54,390 ♪ To use the power of your name to ban refugees ♪ 678 00:26:54,400 --> 00:26:57,339 ♪ Going back to the dark ages ♪ ♪ With the baby cages ♪ 679 00:26:57,340 --> 00:27:00,850 ♪ Flying 100 miles an hour through the fascism stages ♪ 680 00:27:00,852 --> 00:27:03,979 ♪ Obama taught me hope and change and armored drones ♪ 681 00:27:03,980 --> 00:27:06,784 ♪ And I hope one day, too, to pretend to close Guantanamo ♪ 682 00:27:06,785 --> 00:27:09,694 Americans are all corrupt in their own unique ways, 683 00:27:09,695 --> 00:27:12,904 but there's one thing that unites us all. 684 00:27:12,905 --> 00:27:14,389 ♪ Power ♪ 685 00:27:14,390 --> 00:27:15,799 ♪ Money ♪ 686 00:27:15,800 --> 00:27:17,299 ♪ America ♪ 687 00:27:17,300 --> 00:27:24,699 ♪ My fucked ♪ ♪ Ho-o-o-o-o-me ♪ 688 00:27:24,700 --> 00:27:26,449 T'dee, t'dee, t'dee, t'dee, t'dee, t'dee! 689 00:27:26,450 --> 00:27:27,837 Ted Cruz, folks! 690 00:27:28,520 --> 00:27:32,250 ♪ Donald Trump was the president ♪ 691 00:27:32,290 --> 00:27:35,789 ♪ Donald Trump was the president ♪ 692 00:27:35,790 --> 00:27:38,479 ♪ Was Donald Trump the president? ♪ 693 00:27:38,480 --> 00:27:40,519 - ♪ Yes, he was ♪ - ♪ Yes, he was ♪ 694 00:27:40,520 --> 00:27:42,999 ♪ We elected him president ♪ 695 00:27:43,000 --> 00:27:45,659 ♪ Was Donald Trump the president? ♪ 696 00:27:45,660 --> 00:27:47,657 - ♪ Yes, he was ♪ - ♪ For four whole years ♪ 697 00:27:47,658 --> 00:27:50,078 ♪ Donald Trump was our president ♪ 698 00:27:50,090 --> 00:27:55,460 ♪ Donald Trump was the president ♪ 699 00:27:57,130 --> 00:28:02,649 ♪ Donald Trump, he was our president ♪ 700 00:28:02,650 --> 00:28:06,020 ♪ We made him president ♪ 701 00:28:06,040 --> 00:28:08,020 ♪ We did that ♪ 702 00:28:08,040 --> 00:28:11,829 ♪ Donald Trump was the president ♪ 703 00:28:11,830 --> 00:28:14,817 ♪ We elected Donald Trump ♪ 704 00:28:14,818 --> 00:28:18,738 ♪ Donald Trump was the president ♪ 705 00:28:18,750 --> 00:28:21,319 ♪ Donald Trump was the president ♪ 706 00:28:21,320 --> 00:28:25,879 ♪ Yeah, yeah, ye-e-e-e-e-e-e-ah ♪ 707 00:28:25,880 --> 00:28:28,356 Trump!