1
00:00:00,193 --> 00:00:05,201
Sync and corrections by btsix
www.addic7ed.com
2
00:00:06,712 --> 00:00:08,155
We all know why we're here.
3
00:00:08,156 --> 00:00:09,870
We need to stop Joe Biden
4
00:00:09,871 --> 00:00:11,882
from running away with the
Democratic nomination.
5
00:00:11,883 --> 00:00:13,054
The stakes couldn't be higher...
6
00:00:13,055 --> 00:00:14,327
If I don't get this president job,
7
00:00:14,328 --> 00:00:15,601
I gotta move back in with my mom.
8
00:00:15,602 --> 00:00:16,804
We gotta do something quick.
9
00:00:16,805 --> 00:00:19,244
I promised my girlfriend that
I was gonna be president!
10
00:00:19,245 --> 00:00:20,703
She said that's not why she likes me,
11
00:00:20,704 --> 00:00:21,990
but what else could it be?!
12
00:00:21,991 --> 00:00:24,119
If I just introduce one more policy,
13
00:00:24,120 --> 00:00:26,436
then that should catapult me to the top!
14
00:00:26,437 --> 00:00:27,661
Lizzy, you have a problem...
15
00:00:27,662 --> 00:00:30,119
You gotta stop introducing policies!
16
00:00:30,120 --> 00:00:32,994
You're right. This calls for
a policy reduction plan...
17
00:00:32,995 --> 00:00:36,051
30% fewer policies by 2024!
18
00:00:36,052 --> 00:00:37,713
You're doing it again, Lizzy!
19
00:00:37,714 --> 00:00:40,448
I KNOW! BUT I CAN'T STOP!
20
00:00:40,449 --> 00:00:42,176
Whoa. Hey. Voters don't
want to hear about policies
21
00:00:42,177 --> 00:00:43,494
that improve their lives.
22
00:00:43,495 --> 00:00:45,327
Maybe Biden will stop campaigning
23
00:00:45,328 --> 00:00:47,202
if we tell every voter
to shave their head
24
00:00:47,203 --> 00:00:48,824
so he has no hair to smell.
25
00:00:48,825 --> 00:00:50,837
Ooh, I have a way to stop Joe Biden.
26
00:00:50,838 --> 00:00:51,870
Yes?
27
00:00:51,871 --> 00:00:53,828
You just gotta put a little fear in him.
28
00:00:53,829 --> 00:00:58,578
Like I did to a silly assistant
who forgot to charge my iPad.
29
00:00:58,579 --> 00:01:00,661
I deleted his Social Security number
30
00:01:00,662 --> 00:01:03,437
and hired a family to
move into his apartment
31
00:01:03,438 --> 00:01:05,411
so he thought he never existed.
32
00:01:05,412 --> 00:01:07,911
Last time I saw him, he was
tearing his clothes off
33
00:01:07,912 --> 00:01:09,745
and running into the forest!
34
00:01:09,746 --> 00:01:12,381
Stop it! You're scaring Pete Buttigieg!
35
00:01:12,382 --> 00:01:14,327
I need someone to stay in my
room until I fall asleep.
36
00:01:14,328 --> 00:01:17,286
I'll do it. I usually
stay up to 2 a.m. anyway
37
00:01:17,287 --> 00:01:19,973
searching my pockets
for oyster crackers.
38
00:01:19,974 --> 00:01:21,161
What about you, Bernie?
39
00:01:21,162 --> 00:01:23,327
You've taken a bigger hit
in the polls than anyone.
40
00:01:23,328 --> 00:01:26,286
Oh, I don't care about the
polls or what I look like
41
00:01:26,287 --> 00:01:29,111
or if I'm giving a speech in
the bathtub like a lunatic.
42
00:01:29,112 --> 00:01:30,830
I just care about the one percent
43
00:01:30,831 --> 00:01:34,258
and never biting into a
nectarine that isn't ripe!
44
00:01:34,259 --> 00:01:35,804
There's gotta be a way!
45
00:01:35,806 --> 00:01:37,771
Pete, you're the latest candidate
voters are desperately
46
00:01:37,773 --> 00:01:40,272
projecting their hopes onto.
How do we take down Biden?
47
00:01:40,273 --> 00:01:43,188
I respect Biden, but
he lacks experience.
48
00:01:43,189 --> 00:01:45,105
For example, has he
ever put L.E.D. bulbs
49
00:01:45,106 --> 00:01:46,939
in the downtown traffic lights?
50
00:01:46,940 --> 00:01:50,439
Oh, I didn't know it was Bring
Your Annoying Kid to Work Day.
51
00:01:50,440 --> 00:01:53,660
Hey, Peter, Beto here's gonna
show you how a copier works!
52
00:01:53,661 --> 00:01:55,355
I know how a copier works, okay?
53
00:01:55,356 --> 00:01:57,180
I wrote my thesis on how a copier works.
54
00:01:57,181 --> 00:01:59,647
We could ask Mayor de Blasio,
but he really sucks big-time.
55
00:01:59,648 --> 00:02:02,176
Kamala, you seem like the only
competent human being here.
56
00:02:02,177 --> 00:02:03,188
What should we do?
57
00:02:03,189 --> 00:02:04,996
I say give the nomination to Joe.
58
00:02:04,997 --> 00:02:06,355
He names me V.P.,
59
00:02:06,356 --> 00:02:08,814
I start practicing for
my Mike Pence debate.
60
00:02:08,815 --> 00:02:11,397
I might start right now...
"I'm a cop, Mike Pence!
61
00:02:11,398 --> 00:02:14,272
I have two Tasers. One
for each of your nuts!"
62
00:02:14,273 --> 00:02:16,689
If only we could combine
all our strengths,
63
00:02:16,690 --> 00:02:18,522
Joe Biden wouldn't stand a chance.
64
00:02:18,523 --> 00:02:19,856
I got it!
65
00:02:21,695 --> 00:02:23,439
Here's a question from the audience.
66
00:02:23,440 --> 00:02:25,439
How will you guarantee
quality health care
67
00:02:25,440 --> 00:02:26,731
for every American?
68
00:02:26,732 --> 00:02:28,731
We have developed the modern world's
69
00:02:28,732 --> 00:02:30,647
most comprehensive health-care plan.
70
00:02:30,648 --> 00:02:32,689
And it also somehow
solves global warming.
71
00:02:32,690 --> 00:02:34,439
Yeah!
72
00:02:34,440 --> 00:02:36,731
And, Mr. Biden, your health-care plan?
73
00:02:36,732 --> 00:02:39,105
Oh, yeah, yeah. Let me get
back to you on that one.
74
00:02:39,106 --> 00:02:41,647
Hey! You guys remember Barack Obama?!
75
00:02:41,648 --> 00:02:44,272
I was his vice president!
76
00:02:44,273 --> 00:02:46,939
I'm Joe Biden! Joe Biden! I'm
Joe Biden and that's it!
77
00:02:46,940 --> 00:02:48,230
- Damn it!
- Damn it!
78
00:02:50,523 --> 00:02:53,439
Sorry! The title is redacted!
79
00:03:01,328 --> 00:03:04,620
I'm Wolf Blitzer, and when
I shave, my beard screams.
80
00:03:04,621 --> 00:03:06,772
President Trump has refused to resupply
81
00:03:06,773 --> 00:03:10,605
the International Space Station
until Democrats approve
82
00:03:10,606 --> 00:03:14,064
a border wall that shoots flames
shaped like Steven Seagal.
83
00:03:14,065 --> 00:03:17,480
But the President caved after
millions of schoolchildren
84
00:03:17,481 --> 00:03:19,105
watched starving astronauts
85
00:03:19,106 --> 00:03:21,230
resort to eating their treadmill.
86
00:03:21,231 --> 00:03:24,355
Let's go live to the President. Wolf?
87
00:03:24,356 --> 00:03:27,564
I'm dropping this fight, even
though the astronauts told me
88
00:03:27,565 --> 00:03:30,188
that me getting my way was
worth an orbiting tomb.
89
00:03:30,189 --> 00:03:33,064
- Mr. President? Mr. President?
- Yes, Jim Acosta?
90
00:03:33,065 --> 00:03:35,689
Ann Coulter and Rush Limbaugh
criticized you for caving.
91
00:03:35,690 --> 00:03:37,772
I don't have a question. I just
wanted to see you feel bad.
92
00:03:37,773 --> 00:03:39,439
I didn't cave. I punted.
93
00:03:39,440 --> 00:03:41,105
The Dems will bobble the ball,
94
00:03:41,106 --> 00:03:43,022
I'll pick it up, score a touchdown,
95
00:03:43,023 --> 00:03:45,022
give the big halftime
locker-room speech,
96
00:03:45,023 --> 00:03:47,439
tell my teammates, "This is our
moment, this is our time."
97
00:03:47,440 --> 00:03:49,272
We come out screaming, win the game,
98
00:03:49,273 --> 00:03:50,772
we go party at Troy's lake house,
99
00:03:50,773 --> 00:03:52,355
I get my flaming border wall.
100
00:03:52,356 --> 00:03:53,897
No more questions.
101
00:03:53,898 --> 00:03:55,522
Just because you can't see us
102
00:03:55,523 --> 00:03:57,564
doesn't mean we can't see
the top of your head.
103
00:03:57,565 --> 00:04:00,313
- How about now?
- Better.
104
00:04:00,314 --> 00:04:04,064
Ooh! I hope Hannity's
on Hannity tonight!
105
00:04:04,065 --> 00:04:05,313
Everyone, shut up!
106
00:04:05,314 --> 00:04:07,022
Whoo! That's him!
107
00:04:07,023 --> 00:04:10,856
After those pathetic astronauts
undermined our president,
108
00:04:10,857 --> 00:04:15,064
I'm calling on all Americans
to open fire at space!
109
00:04:15,065 --> 00:04:17,522
Joining me now, conservative provocateur
110
00:04:17,523 --> 00:04:19,897
and bat-winged guardian
of Snake Mountain,
111
00:04:19,898 --> 00:04:21,230
Ann Coulter.
112
00:04:21,231 --> 00:04:22,647
Maybe she's cool now.
113
00:04:22,648 --> 00:04:25,064
I'm not happy with the President.
114
00:04:25,065 --> 00:04:26,897
Sean, the so-called "deplorables"
115
00:04:26,898 --> 00:04:28,814
got Trump elected, and
if he's not willing
116
00:04:28,815 --> 00:04:31,731
to starve astronauts to
keep out starving migrants,
117
00:04:31,732 --> 00:04:33,647
can he really call
himself a conservative?
118
00:04:33,648 --> 00:04:36,564
I am sorry, Mr. President.
119
00:04:36,565 --> 00:04:38,772
I should've never brought
on Slenderman's wife.
120
00:04:38,773 --> 00:04:40,772
Swap her out, stat!
121
00:04:40,773 --> 00:04:42,532
Ha! You got the goat!
122
00:04:42,533 --> 00:04:44,355
Ah-ha-ha! There he is!
123
00:04:44,356 --> 00:04:45,897
He's playing accordion! And look at it!
124
00:04:47,773 --> 00:04:50,605
Ann Coulter is the worst
boss in the world.
125
00:04:50,606 --> 00:04:52,731
Sir, the challenge of
every dumb, fat president
126
00:04:52,732 --> 00:04:55,313
is to balance the moderates
and the extremists.
127
00:04:55,314 --> 00:04:57,480
You know, the fancies
and the hill people.
128
00:04:57,481 --> 00:04:59,272
The moderates and the extremists.
129
00:04:59,273 --> 00:05:00,981
Someone just said that, Ben.
130
00:05:00,982 --> 00:05:02,814
Yes, I just heard myself say it.
131
00:05:02,815 --> 00:05:05,439
I hear myself saying stuff all the time.
132
00:05:05,440 --> 00:05:07,981
Sometimes it's hard to
listen to stuff I'm saying
133
00:05:07,982 --> 00:05:09,856
while thinking of new things to say.
134
00:05:09,858 --> 00:05:11,480
- Even now, I'm just...
- Holy shit.
135
00:05:11,481 --> 00:05:13,564
You see, being a conservative president
136
00:05:13,565 --> 00:05:16,647
is about riding two
horses at the same time.
137
00:05:16,648 --> 00:05:19,313
One horse is a spitfire
named Ann Coulter
138
00:05:19,314 --> 00:05:21,272
who wants to trample poor people.
139
00:05:21,273 --> 00:05:23,772
The other is a stallion
named Mitt Romney,
140
00:05:23,773 --> 00:05:27,272
who wants to do the same thing,
only while carrying a briefcase.
141
00:05:27,273 --> 00:05:29,022
Is that a metaphor or
do you know a horse
142
00:05:29,023 --> 00:05:30,355
that carries a briefcase?
143
00:05:30,356 --> 00:05:32,439
Forget Ann Coulter and the Deplorables.
144
00:05:32,440 --> 00:05:34,564
You're gonna need support
from vaccinated Republicans
145
00:05:34,565 --> 00:05:36,731
like Romney when the
Democrats finally figure out
146
00:05:36,732 --> 00:05:38,689
- that treason is a crime.
- You're right!
147
00:05:38,690 --> 00:05:41,397
I'm pretty sure Romney loves me
as much as someone who spends
148
00:05:41,398 --> 00:05:44,522
their last pennies mailing
pipe bombs to George Soros.
149
00:05:46,216 --> 00:05:49,439
I don't like pandering to
whackos like Ann Coulter.
150
00:05:49,440 --> 00:05:51,355
I like pandering to you.
151
00:05:51,356 --> 00:05:54,272
You're smart, savvy, eat
five yogurts a day,
152
00:05:54,273 --> 00:05:56,397
refer to bad drivers as "buddy,"
153
00:05:56,398 --> 00:05:59,147
all your teeth are the same
tooth over and over again.
154
00:05:59,148 --> 00:06:01,480
What I'm saying is you're great.
155
00:06:01,481 --> 00:06:02,981
I appreciate that, Mr. President,
156
00:06:02,982 --> 00:06:04,355
and I respect your office.
157
00:06:04,356 --> 00:06:06,647
That's not how people
talk, Mitt, but okay.
158
00:06:06,648 --> 00:06:09,689
The Mueller Report accused me
of some pretty baseless facts.
159
00:06:09,690 --> 00:06:12,147
Can I count on your fanatical,
unconditional support?
160
00:06:12,148 --> 00:06:13,647
Sir, my only loyalty
161
00:06:13,648 --> 00:06:16,147
is to my country, my God, and the truth.
162
00:06:16,148 --> 00:06:17,856
Lookie here, Truthy!
163
00:06:17,857 --> 00:06:20,939
You know all that nice stuff I
said earlier? I take it back!
164
00:06:20,940 --> 00:06:23,230
One tooth looks slightly
different than the other teeth.
165
00:06:23,231 --> 00:06:25,064
Sir, have you no decency?
166
00:06:25,065 --> 00:06:28,772
Oh, I have decency coming out my ass!
167
00:06:29,898 --> 00:06:33,105
Excuse me. "Anus." Geez!
168
00:06:33,106 --> 00:06:35,647
Dong! Fox News alert!
169
00:06:35,648 --> 00:06:37,230
I assume I'm dreaming,
170
00:06:37,231 --> 00:06:39,605
but cameras have just
spotted President Trump
171
00:06:39,606 --> 00:06:42,939
and known French spy Mitt
Romney out to dinner.
172
00:06:42,940 --> 00:06:45,522
God willing, the President
was just at a handjob parlor
173
00:06:45,523 --> 00:06:47,230
that shares a door with the restaurant
174
00:06:47,231 --> 00:06:48,981
and also gives to-go bags.
175
00:06:48,982 --> 00:06:51,105
Joining me now is Ann Coulter...
176
00:06:51,106 --> 00:06:52,731
Maybe it's a different Ann Coulter.
177
00:06:52,732 --> 00:06:54,939
- ...author of "How to Cook a Liberal."
- Damn it!
178
00:06:54,940 --> 00:06:57,064
The Romney dinner was a
betrayal of every Trump voter,
179
00:06:57,065 --> 00:07:00,272
from alcoholic Jet Ski dealers
to sunburned sheriffs.
180
00:07:00,273 --> 00:07:02,397
The President takes
us for granted, Sean.
181
00:07:02,398 --> 00:07:04,939
He probably doesn't even want
to shove fleeing refugees.
182
00:07:04,940 --> 00:07:07,015
That's a low blow, Ann!
183
00:07:07,016 --> 00:07:08,235
You know he does!
184
00:07:10,189 --> 00:07:12,313
Taggart Romney, what are
you still doing up?
185
00:07:12,314 --> 00:07:13,689
It's nearly dusk.
186
00:07:13,690 --> 00:07:14,981
I got a stomach ache
187
00:07:14,982 --> 00:07:17,188
from laughing too hard
at a Popsicle joke.
188
00:07:17,189 --> 00:07:18,731
How was your dinner with the President?
189
00:07:18,732 --> 00:07:20,605
Did you guys talk about
the Constitution?
190
00:07:20,606 --> 00:07:23,689
I tried, but he was too busy
using my hand to play that game
191
00:07:23,690 --> 00:07:25,814
where you stab the knife between
your fingers real fast.
192
00:07:25,815 --> 00:07:27,564
Then he asked for a loyalty pledge.
193
00:07:27,565 --> 00:07:30,230
- Did you call 911?
- I did.
194
00:07:30,231 --> 00:07:32,522
The dispatcher said a
violation of decency
195
00:07:32,523 --> 00:07:34,147
was not an emergency and hung up.
196
00:07:34,148 --> 00:07:36,522
Cat-scratches! What are you gonna do?
197
00:07:36,523 --> 00:07:38,480
The only thing I can do...
198
00:07:38,481 --> 00:07:40,772
Shave my face three times and go to bed.
199
00:07:42,077 --> 00:07:43,731
My party's being mean,
200
00:07:43,732 --> 00:07:46,939
and not even spaghetti in the
steam room can cheer me up.
201
00:07:49,831 --> 00:07:51,355
E.T.?
202
00:07:51,356 --> 00:07:54,397
It's someone more lovable than E.T....
203
00:07:54,398 --> 00:07:56,814
Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross.
204
00:07:56,815 --> 00:07:59,564
- Pffff.
- Don, I came here for two reasons.
205
00:07:59,565 --> 00:08:03,147
One, if I don't steam
naked every 36 hours,
206
00:08:03,148 --> 00:08:05,397
- my skin turns to puff pastry...
- Uh-huh.
207
00:08:05,398 --> 00:08:07,022
...and to tell you
208
00:08:07,023 --> 00:08:09,564
that when the Democrats'
impeachment dogs are closing in,
209
00:08:09,565 --> 00:08:11,564
Mitt Romney ain't gonna defend you.
210
00:08:11,565 --> 00:08:15,647
But Coulter and your army
of screaming shut-ins will,
211
00:08:15,648 --> 00:08:17,480
just to own the libs.
212
00:08:17,481 --> 00:08:19,564
So be the gross man
213
00:08:19,565 --> 00:08:22,397
they lost contact with
their families over.
214
00:08:22,398 --> 00:08:25,188
I can only try!
215
00:08:27,648 --> 00:08:30,814
Hey! We weren't done watching
Little House on the Prairie!
216
00:08:30,815 --> 00:08:32,772
Laura just found a bottle in the creek!
217
00:08:32,773 --> 00:08:34,981
Due to the President's
indecency, I barely slept
218
00:08:34,982 --> 00:08:36,772
15 hours last night,
219
00:08:36,773 --> 00:08:39,272
so I've decided to
speak out against him.
220
00:08:39,273 --> 00:08:41,147
My hero!
221
00:08:41,148 --> 00:08:43,772
And when he resigns in shame,
I'll reluctantly accept
222
00:08:43,773 --> 00:08:45,897
the nation's will and assume the office
223
00:08:45,898 --> 00:08:47,981
I've single-mindedly
sought my entire life.
224
00:08:47,982 --> 00:08:49,647
Prepare yourselves for the right-wingers
225
00:08:49,648 --> 00:08:50,981
to come at us pretty hard.
226
00:08:50,982 --> 00:08:53,439
Are they gonna call us "snuggle worms"?
227
00:08:55,231 --> 00:08:57,939
A dry sponge to your tongue for
even the suggestion of it!
228
00:09:00,606 --> 00:09:02,856
Hey! We weren't done watching Sex Town!
229
00:09:02,857 --> 00:09:04,939
The town was just about to have sex!
230
00:09:04,940 --> 00:09:06,281
Oh. Sorry.
231
00:09:06,283 --> 00:09:09,272
Okay, Town, let's have sex!
232
00:09:09,273 --> 00:09:11,856
Family, I've decided to set aside
233
00:09:11,857 --> 00:09:14,313
my natural Ronald Reagan-esque decency
234
00:09:14,314 --> 00:09:15,814
and go balls deep
235
00:09:15,815 --> 00:09:17,897
on the deplorable wing of our party.
236
00:09:17,898 --> 00:09:19,564
- Hell yeah!
- You go, Daddy!
237
00:09:19,565 --> 00:09:21,188
What were we doing before?
238
00:09:21,189 --> 00:09:24,022
I'm just not sure I can be as
gross as they need me to be.
239
00:09:24,023 --> 00:09:25,272
I'll take this one.
240
00:09:25,273 --> 00:09:27,814
Donald, I want you to listen to me.
241
00:09:27,815 --> 00:09:30,647
You're the most disgusting man on Earth.
242
00:09:30,648 --> 00:09:34,147
You're small-minded, you're
selfish, you're cruel,
243
00:09:34,148 --> 00:09:37,105
you smell before, during,
and after bathing,
244
00:09:37,106 --> 00:09:39,689
you're constantly stepping on
my feet without realizing it,
245
00:09:39,690 --> 00:09:42,188
you sweat formaldehyde and piss tar,
246
00:09:42,189 --> 00:09:44,564
you crank-call homeless shelters
to make them listen to you
247
00:09:44,565 --> 00:09:47,397
chew pizza in bed, and you
poop when you sneeze.
248
00:09:47,398 --> 00:09:49,397
You could've just said I could do it.
249
00:09:49,398 --> 00:09:50,772
I'm going to become
250
00:09:50,773 --> 00:09:53,814
the most vile, detestable
president in history
251
00:09:53,815 --> 00:09:57,188
so Ann Coulter will cut me some slack!
252
00:09:59,842 --> 00:10:03,689
I'm so glad your presidency is
getting even more deplorable.
253
00:10:03,690 --> 00:10:05,939
Us dirtbags finally have a voice.
254
00:10:05,940 --> 00:10:07,564
Shut up. Thanks, Don.
255
00:10:07,565 --> 00:10:09,105
But I gotta brush up on the basics.
256
00:10:09,106 --> 00:10:10,647
That's why I've called a meeting
257
00:10:10,648 --> 00:10:13,188
with the dean of disgusting
himself... Rudy Giuliani.
258
00:10:13,189 --> 00:10:15,064
So, what are we thinking, guys?
259
00:10:15,065 --> 00:10:17,105
Do we wanna get some oysters,
wanna get a big mushroom,
260
00:10:17,106 --> 00:10:19,439
slap some nacho cheese on it,
put our cigars out in it?!
261
00:10:19,440 --> 00:10:22,689
We need wine! Red wine!
Thickest one ya got!
262
00:10:22,690 --> 00:10:24,272
I want it to come out like ketchup!
263
00:10:24,273 --> 00:10:25,973
By the time we leave here,
they're gonna have to
264
00:10:25,975 --> 00:10:27,355
burn this tablecloth in the park.
265
00:10:29,815 --> 00:10:32,147
I swallowed the cigar
again. I do this so much,
266
00:10:32,148 --> 00:10:34,045
the doctor just taught me
how to pump my own stomach.
267
00:10:34,047 --> 00:10:36,188
Sick! This guy makes me sick!
268
00:10:36,189 --> 00:10:38,689
More wine, you goddamn bastards!
269
00:10:38,690 --> 00:10:40,689
Rudy, this is important. Can you focus?
270
00:10:40,690 --> 00:10:42,731
I am focused. I'm
focused on the painting
271
00:10:42,732 --> 00:10:44,188
of the lady with huge knockers.
272
00:10:44,189 --> 00:10:46,397
I cheated on my wife
with a lady like that.
273
00:10:46,398 --> 00:10:48,313
I weighed her knockers.
They didn't weigh the same.
274
00:10:48,314 --> 00:10:50,814
Close, but I was still angry.
They should weigh the same!
275
00:10:50,815 --> 00:10:52,397
Rudy, I need to shore up my base!
276
00:10:52,398 --> 00:10:53,897
Why didn't you say so?
277
00:10:53,898 --> 00:10:55,397
All right. Here's what I'm thinking.
278
00:10:55,398 --> 00:10:58,230
You, me, knockers painting,
we go to Flashdancers, and...
279
00:10:58,231 --> 00:11:00,564
I-I can't think in here!
280
00:11:00,565 --> 00:11:03,147
Hear ye, hear ye.
281
00:11:03,148 --> 00:11:04,939
To address the President's
vile behavior,
282
00:11:04,940 --> 00:11:07,022
I call to order the inaugural meeting
283
00:11:07,023 --> 00:11:09,105
of the Decent Republicans Caucus.
284
00:11:09,106 --> 00:11:11,355
Roll call. Senator Susan Collins?
285
00:11:11,356 --> 00:11:15,230
Present. I love to signal that
I'm one of the good Republicans,
286
00:11:15,231 --> 00:11:16,939
disappear for two days,
287
00:11:16,940 --> 00:11:20,188
then vote a drunk sex maniac
onto the Supreme Court.
288
00:11:20,189 --> 00:11:22,313
Great. First order of business,
289
00:11:22,314 --> 00:11:24,981
reclaiming our party from the
filthy grip of Donald Trump.
290
00:11:24,982 --> 00:11:27,397
- I'm all-in.
- Let's come out of the gate
291
00:11:27,398 --> 00:11:29,439
with a firmly worded, untelevised speech
292
00:11:29,440 --> 00:11:31,439
at the Lincoln Memorial
on a Tuesday afternoon.
293
00:11:31,440 --> 00:11:33,647
Huzzah! Great idea.
294
00:11:33,648 --> 00:11:36,230
Just give me two days to think about it.
295
00:11:36,231 --> 00:11:38,814
Hmm. According to my notes,
you said you were "all-in."
296
00:11:38,815 --> 00:11:40,397
Oh, I so am.
297
00:11:40,398 --> 00:11:42,064
Just give me two days,
298
00:11:42,065 --> 00:11:44,772
then I'll say if I'm a
"no" or a "maybe yes."
299
00:11:44,773 --> 00:11:47,480
Why do I sense that in two days
you will flip on the issue?
300
00:11:47,481 --> 00:11:51,022
Is this the famous Mitt
Romney sense of humor?
301
00:11:51,023 --> 00:11:54,273
I'm one of the good Republicans.
Who just needs two days.
302
00:11:55,648 --> 00:11:58,564
Giuliani was completely useless.
303
00:11:58,565 --> 00:12:01,230
I'm so glad he's only in charge
of whether or not I go to jail.
304
00:12:01,231 --> 00:12:04,272
Dad, I brought you a
Republican that's an expert
305
00:12:04,273 --> 00:12:06,564
at poking a stick in the
right wing's lizard brain.
306
00:12:06,565 --> 00:12:08,605
Ted Cruuuzz!
307
00:12:08,606 --> 00:12:11,355
Anything to help the man
who flew down to Texas
308
00:12:11,356 --> 00:12:14,147
days before my election
and dragged my concussed,
309
00:12:14,148 --> 00:12:16,522
unresponsive body into the end zone!
310
00:12:16,523 --> 00:12:20,313
Ted, Ann Coulter friggin' loves
your ugly ass. How do you do it?
311
00:12:20,314 --> 00:12:24,188
Well, to keep the deplorables
happy, ya never compromise!
312
00:12:24,189 --> 00:12:26,647
Even if it means a mob
calling you a "rat bastard"
313
00:12:26,648 --> 00:12:29,522
and running you out of town so
you seek refuge in a church,
314
00:12:29,523 --> 00:12:32,939
but the priest runs downstairs
and beats you with a cross,
315
00:12:32,940 --> 00:12:35,522
so you hide in a 7-Eleven,
but the lottery machine
316
00:12:35,523 --> 00:12:38,397
keeps spitting tickets
with the number 6-6-6,
317
00:12:38,398 --> 00:12:40,355
so the clerk pushes you off a cliff,
318
00:12:40,356 --> 00:12:43,147
and a bus of little children
stomp on your wormy fingers,
319
00:12:43,148 --> 00:12:45,355
screaming, "End the scum!"
320
00:12:45,356 --> 00:12:48,315
I don't know. I don't
wanna go to a church.
321
00:12:49,982 --> 00:12:52,439
- Senator Collins?
- Who is it?
322
00:12:52,440 --> 00:12:55,439
Uh, Senator Mitt Romney.
It's been two days.
323
00:12:55,440 --> 00:12:57,605
Have you decided if you'll join
me in denouncing the President?
324
00:12:57,606 --> 00:12:59,814
I need two more days.
325
00:12:59,815 --> 00:13:01,814
What will be different in two days?
326
00:13:01,815 --> 00:13:04,230
It'll be two days from now.
327
00:13:04,231 --> 00:13:06,064
Susan, are you committed to the mission
328
00:13:06,065 --> 00:13:08,188
of the Decent Republicans Caucus?
329
00:13:08,189 --> 00:13:09,897
Ring ring!
330
00:13:09,898 --> 00:13:13,522
Your wife just called and told
me to tell you to go home.
331
00:13:13,523 --> 00:13:15,439
What's my wife's name?
332
00:13:15,440 --> 00:13:18,230
Susan's mailbox is full. Goodbye.
333
00:13:21,440 --> 00:13:24,981
Stevie! Nobody embodies
deplorable Republicans
334
00:13:24,982 --> 00:13:27,647
more than someone with your
beautiful pulsing head.
335
00:13:27,648 --> 00:13:29,939
Now, how do I make them love me forever?
336
00:13:29,940 --> 00:13:32,689
The pulsing is voluntary.
Now, take a look at this.
337
00:13:32,690 --> 00:13:33,939
As a cute, little hobby,
338
00:13:33,940 --> 00:13:35,981
I measure the ultraviolet heat index
339
00:13:35,982 --> 00:13:38,064
of our most loyal screeching mole rats.
340
00:13:38,065 --> 00:13:40,605
Now, here's where it got
Chernobyl-level hot!
341
00:13:40,606 --> 00:13:43,272
Lock her up! Lock her up!
342
00:13:43,273 --> 00:13:46,939
In conclusion, we should
arrest Hillary Cli...
343
00:13:46,940 --> 00:13:49,814
Dad! You should lock up Hillary Clinton!
344
00:13:49,815 --> 00:13:51,313
Great idea!
345
00:13:51,314 --> 00:13:55,065
Miller, our time on Earth is
precious. Stop wasting it.
346
00:13:56,231 --> 00:13:58,105
That's when they called Wisconsin,
347
00:13:58,106 --> 00:14:00,897
and there was not a dry
eye in the Javits Center.
348
00:14:00,898 --> 00:14:02,731
How was your day?
349
00:14:02,732 --> 00:14:05,313
Ugh. Spent the day trying
to convince Ronan Farrow
350
00:14:05,314 --> 00:14:07,439
to report me to the FBI.
351
00:14:07,440 --> 00:14:09,480
Hillary, I'm so tired of runnin'.
352
00:14:09,481 --> 00:14:11,814
Oh, Bill, it's been 40 years.
353
00:14:11,815 --> 00:14:15,313
I'm sure you'll never be held
accountable for your actions.
354
00:14:15,314 --> 00:14:16,605
FBI! Open up!
355
00:14:16,606 --> 00:14:20,272
Yippee! Come on in! I got
cookies, I got cake!
356
00:14:20,273 --> 00:14:23,147
I am proud to announce that, tonight,
357
00:14:23,148 --> 00:14:25,647
the Federal Bureau of Investigation
358
00:14:25,648 --> 00:14:29,313
arrested Crooked Hillary for
the crime of mega-treason,
359
00:14:29,314 --> 00:14:31,480
fulfilling one of my strongest
360
00:14:31,481 --> 00:14:34,313
and most deplorable campaign promises.
361
00:14:34,314 --> 00:14:39,105
In 72 hours, she will receive
a fair trial by combat.
362
00:14:39,106 --> 00:14:41,856
She's fighting a dangerous jungle cat
363
00:14:41,857 --> 00:14:44,439
in the well of the House
of Representatives.
364
00:14:44,440 --> 00:14:46,397
Aren't we better than this?
365
00:14:46,398 --> 00:14:50,647
Wow! Every word out of her mouth
just makes me more excited.
366
00:14:50,648 --> 00:14:54,064
Today, I speak out in
defense of decency.
367
00:14:54,065 --> 00:14:56,522
Our most decent president,
Ronald Reagan,
368
00:14:56,523 --> 00:14:59,981
once called the United States
"a shining city on a hill."
369
00:14:59,982 --> 00:15:03,188
And it is my strong opinion
that President Donald Trump
370
00:15:03,189 --> 00:15:05,856
has ever so slightly dimmed
that light, no offense.
371
00:15:05,857 --> 00:15:09,355
Hey, podium boy! I'm trying
to take a picture! Move!
372
00:15:09,356 --> 00:15:11,939
Oh, no. Am I late? Did I miss it?
373
00:15:11,940 --> 00:15:13,814
Well, good job. I've gotta go.
374
00:15:13,815 --> 00:15:15,022
Your shoe fell off.
375
00:15:15,023 --> 00:15:17,313
Keep it! I've got more!
376
00:15:21,023 --> 00:15:23,313
Folks, at long last,
the streets are safe
377
00:15:23,314 --> 00:15:24,981
from Hillary Clinton!
378
00:15:24,982 --> 00:15:27,689
Leave your doors unlocked,
put away the bazookas,
379
00:15:27,690 --> 00:15:29,188
and go ahead and flash your brights
380
00:15:29,189 --> 00:15:30,897
at people whose headlights aren't on
381
00:15:30,898 --> 00:15:33,355
without worrying about being
targeted for a thrill-killing.
382
00:15:33,356 --> 00:15:34,689
Ann, get in here.
383
00:15:34,690 --> 00:15:37,897
Donald Trump has restored law and order,
384
00:15:37,898 --> 00:15:41,147
letting people know you can't
just compete in a free election
385
00:15:41,148 --> 00:15:43,188
against him and get away with it.
386
00:15:43,189 --> 00:15:44,689
Burn the paintings!
387
00:15:44,690 --> 00:15:48,022
Anything that doesn't have
Trump's face on it isn't art!
388
00:15:48,023 --> 00:15:50,272
Hey, happy Hannity, happy life.
389
00:15:50,273 --> 00:15:53,731
Mr. President? Republican
megadonor Sheldon Adelson
390
00:15:53,732 --> 00:15:56,564
wants to see you in the
cabinet room. Uh-oh.
391
00:15:56,565 --> 00:15:58,355
You know, if you wanted
392
00:15:58,356 --> 00:16:01,190
to compliment me, you could've
just done it on the phone.
393
00:16:49,763 --> 00:16:52,550
Sorry. All I heard was the word "meat."
394
00:17:00,148 --> 00:17:01,959
Still only hearing "meat."
395
00:17:10,065 --> 00:17:13,064
Hello, Dangerous Donald.
396
00:17:13,065 --> 00:17:16,397
Hello... Dumb Hillary.
397
00:17:16,398 --> 00:17:19,147
Sheldon Adelson says I should free you,
398
00:17:19,148 --> 00:17:21,105
Ann Coulter says I shouldn't,
399
00:17:21,106 --> 00:17:22,814
and you're the only
person in the White House
400
00:17:22,815 --> 00:17:26,065
whose résumé isn't full
of knockoff stereo scams.
401
00:17:26,066 --> 00:17:27,564
What should I do?
402
00:17:27,565 --> 00:17:30,605
Oh, Donald. You could have had it all.
403
00:17:30,606 --> 00:17:33,689
A hotel in Moscow. A television network.
404
00:17:33,690 --> 00:17:38,064
And now look at you... being
torn apart by two wild horses.
405
00:17:38,065 --> 00:17:39,856
Hey, if I wanted a psychiatrist,
406
00:17:39,857 --> 00:17:42,522
I would've taken the advice
of everyone I've ever met.
407
00:17:42,523 --> 00:17:44,064
Should I let you go?
408
00:17:44,065 --> 00:17:45,856
That's the kind of painful choice
409
00:17:45,857 --> 00:17:47,522
I do not have to make anymore,
410
00:17:47,523 --> 00:17:51,856
thanks to my tranquil new
life inside this box.
411
00:17:51,857 --> 00:17:54,355
Ohh. You're so lucky.
412
00:17:54,356 --> 00:17:57,105
What I wouldn't give to
trade places with you.
413
00:17:59,690 --> 00:18:02,105
Ah, you win again.
414
00:18:02,106 --> 00:18:05,022
Art of the deal, baby. Still got it.
415
00:18:05,023 --> 00:18:07,939
An easy speech to deliver, it was not.
416
00:18:07,940 --> 00:18:10,230
It was 63 degrees outside,
417
00:18:10,231 --> 00:18:12,772
well below the body's temperature,
but I soldiered on.
418
00:18:12,773 --> 00:18:14,522
Tell it again, Dad!
419
00:18:14,523 --> 00:18:16,022
Another day.
420
00:18:16,023 --> 00:18:18,105
Let's check the news to
see if the President
421
00:18:18,106 --> 00:18:20,564
soberly absorbed my comments
and vowed to do better.
422
00:18:20,565 --> 00:18:22,439
Hmm.
423
00:18:22,440 --> 00:18:24,897
The President hasn't commented
on my brave speech.
424
00:18:24,898 --> 00:18:26,814
I'm sure he's just praying on it.
425
00:18:26,815 --> 00:18:28,772
The President is not a man of faith.
426
00:18:28,773 --> 00:18:31,188
He once told me that Jesus
was good at computers.
427
00:18:31,189 --> 00:18:32,856
Well, if one thing is certain,
428
00:18:32,857 --> 00:18:34,689
it's that I did everything I could.
429
00:18:34,690 --> 00:18:37,356
If anyone needs me, I'll be
standing quietly in the garage.
430
00:18:38,482 --> 00:18:39,772
And now a message
431
00:18:39,773 --> 00:18:41,772
from the President of the United States.
432
00:18:41,773 --> 00:18:43,522
So, two things.
433
00:18:43,523 --> 00:18:46,439
One, the nation is getting
bagels on Friday,
434
00:18:46,440 --> 00:18:47,731
so that's good.
435
00:18:49,815 --> 00:18:51,522
Two, I know the fake news said
436
00:18:51,523 --> 00:18:53,897
that Hillary tricked me into
locking myself in here,
437
00:18:53,898 --> 00:18:55,522
but actually, I did it
438
00:18:55,523 --> 00:18:57,647
because a melting
billionaire told me to.
439
00:18:57,648 --> 00:18:59,689
Then I goofed around and got burned.
440
00:18:59,690 --> 00:19:02,313
Anyways, Pompeo's out
buying bolt cutters.
441
00:19:02,314 --> 00:19:05,022
Enjoy those bagels!
442
00:19:05,023 --> 00:19:09,272
I love my president, but how
could he just let Hillary go?!
443
00:19:09,273 --> 00:19:11,313
I was wrong to endorse Donald Trump
444
00:19:11,314 --> 00:19:13,647
in the books I write for
people to read on airplanes
445
00:19:13,648 --> 00:19:15,939
that let everyone know they're
going to be a handful.
446
00:19:15,940 --> 00:19:17,689
I'm calling on the Republican Party
447
00:19:17,690 --> 00:19:19,147
to find a new candidate
448
00:19:19,148 --> 00:19:21,647
and, if need be, I will enter the race!
449
00:19:21,648 --> 00:19:25,355
Holy crap! Coulter and Trump
both running for prez?!
450
00:19:25,356 --> 00:19:27,188
It's like you're each holding a treat
451
00:19:27,189 --> 00:19:29,272
and I'm the puppy
deciding whether to live
452
00:19:29,273 --> 00:19:31,355
at Mom's house or Dad's house!
453
00:19:31,356 --> 00:19:33,188
This is a real bummer after
all those nice things
454
00:19:33,189 --> 00:19:34,522
you said to motivate me.
455
00:19:34,523 --> 00:19:37,022
You're a thief, a cheat, a racist,
456
00:19:37,023 --> 00:19:38,731
a terrible Pictionary player,
457
00:19:38,732 --> 00:19:40,939
you leave your ass hairs all
over the toilet seat...
458
00:19:40,940 --> 00:19:44,272
All right. I think we've got
enough gas in the tank, Melania.
459
00:19:45,898 --> 00:19:49,355
Susan? Uh, your staff informed
me that in order to avoid me,
460
00:19:49,356 --> 00:19:51,313
you've sealed yourself inside a wall.
461
00:19:51,314 --> 00:19:53,313
Susan's not here right now.
462
00:19:53,314 --> 00:19:55,022
I'm a smart wall.
463
00:19:55,023 --> 00:19:58,064
Beep-boop! Your toothpaste
order has shipped.
464
00:19:58,065 --> 00:20:00,480
You should know that I've decided
465
00:20:00,481 --> 00:20:02,439
to leave the Decent Republicans Caucus.
466
00:20:02,440 --> 00:20:04,564
Oh, what? No.
467
00:20:04,565 --> 00:20:07,573
Will you carry the torch
forward, proud and tall?
468
00:20:07,575 --> 00:20:10,772
Can't. No hands. I'm a wall.
469
00:20:10,773 --> 00:20:12,062
I understand.
470
00:20:12,064 --> 00:20:14,272
I have failed my family, my country,
471
00:20:14,273 --> 00:20:17,689
my favorite brand of digestive
biscuits, and my God.
472
00:20:17,690 --> 00:20:20,355
And I'm deeply sorry.
473
00:20:20,356 --> 00:20:22,564
I have to get out of this wall.
474
00:20:22,565 --> 00:20:25,064
Unless staying in the wall polls better.
475
00:20:25,065 --> 00:20:27,188
Wait for the data, Susie.
476
00:20:27,189 --> 00:20:29,647
I said, "Go to wherever
477
00:20:29,648 --> 00:20:31,647
they filmed The Hangover Part II!"
478
00:20:31,648 --> 00:20:33,897
Hangover Part II now!
479
00:20:33,898 --> 00:20:36,022
- Don, what are you doing?
- Running away!
480
00:20:36,023 --> 00:20:37,647
I bought a friggin' tiger,
481
00:20:37,648 --> 00:20:39,981
and now we're not even
gonna feed Hillary to it!
482
00:20:39,982 --> 00:20:41,731
Just put the tiger in the East Room.
483
00:20:41,732 --> 00:20:43,397
I'm sure one of my cabinet members
484
00:20:43,398 --> 00:20:44,772
will come by and shoot it.
485
00:20:44,773 --> 00:20:47,022
I know. That's not my concern.
486
00:20:47,023 --> 00:20:50,939
When you became a deplorable
slimeball, I finally felt heard,
487
00:20:50,940 --> 00:20:53,355
not only as a voter, but as a son.
488
00:20:53,356 --> 00:20:55,313
But it turns out, you're just another
489
00:20:55,314 --> 00:20:57,522
upstanding member of polite society.
490
00:20:57,523 --> 00:20:59,939
So I'm going to the
Hangover Part II place,
491
00:20:59,940 --> 00:21:02,981
where I'll be treated like a
synthetic weed-smoking god.
492
00:21:02,982 --> 00:21:04,981
Fine, Don, but don't come back
493
00:21:04,982 --> 00:21:07,272
unless you bring me a cool souvenir,
494
00:21:07,273 --> 00:21:09,689
like a T-shirt that says,
"I Live at the Corner
495
00:21:09,690 --> 00:21:12,897
of 'Kiss My Ass Avenue'
and 'No Friggin' Way'."
496
00:21:15,648 --> 00:21:19,439
What if he never comes
back with that shirt?
497
00:21:19,440 --> 00:21:22,522
Donald Trump claims he's deplorable,
498
00:21:22,523 --> 00:21:24,480
but does his record support it?
499
00:21:24,481 --> 00:21:26,230
Did you know that his 18-person cabinet
500
00:21:26,231 --> 00:21:28,647
is packed to the brim with three women?
501
00:21:28,648 --> 00:21:30,397
Sure, he arrested Hillary Clinton,
502
00:21:30,398 --> 00:21:32,647
but he broke his promise
to feed her to a tiger.
503
00:21:32,648 --> 00:21:35,355
In 2020, we need a candidate
504
00:21:35,356 --> 00:21:37,105
whose neo-fascism is not for sale.
505
00:21:37,106 --> 00:21:40,092
Paid for by the Draft Ann Coulter
for President Committee.
506
00:21:40,094 --> 00:21:41,605
I feel pretty stupid
507
00:21:41,606 --> 00:21:44,105
for donating 10,000 bucks
to that committee.
508
00:21:44,106 --> 00:21:46,731
Boys, Daddy Romney
509
00:21:46,732 --> 00:21:49,731
has realized that
Republican decency is dead
510
00:21:49,732 --> 00:21:52,689
and so, to claw my way to the
presidency as God ordained,
511
00:21:52,690 --> 00:21:55,313
I must take on some pretty
repulsive behavior.
512
00:21:55,314 --> 00:21:58,064
Are you going to tie a
Starburst wrapper into a knot
513
00:21:58,065 --> 00:22:00,647
with your tongue to prove
you're a good French kisser?!
514
00:22:00,648 --> 00:22:02,522
I don't want you to see me like this.
515
00:22:02,523 --> 00:22:04,480
Promise you'll sleep
for the next 72 hours.
516
00:22:04,481 --> 00:22:06,814
You heard Dad. To the family bed!
517
00:22:06,815 --> 00:22:08,564
Go! Go! Go!
518
00:22:08,565 --> 00:22:10,981
Hello, fellow MAGA heads.
519
00:22:10,982 --> 00:22:13,022
You know what I don't like? Immigrants.
520
00:22:13,023 --> 00:22:14,816
A-And you know what I do like?
521
00:22:14,818 --> 00:22:16,605
Children armed to the teeth.
522
00:22:16,606 --> 00:22:19,313
I know all the cursed words,
and I say them frequently.
523
00:22:19,314 --> 00:22:21,064
I don't feel good.
524
00:22:22,341 --> 00:22:25,188
I like women with small
brains and large breasts.
525
00:22:26,982 --> 00:22:29,939
I have big hands and a
corresponding big johns...
526
00:22:31,481 --> 00:22:35,210
Whoa! Mitt Romney's barfin'! Oh, yeah!
527
00:22:38,148 --> 00:22:41,397
God damn it! Why won't you
cheer me up, spaghetti?!
528
00:22:49,690 --> 00:22:50,939
Um...
529
00:22:50,940 --> 00:22:52,564
Hmm?
530
00:22:55,273 --> 00:22:57,856
Well, hello, Mr. Trump.
531
00:22:57,857 --> 00:23:00,647
Hollywood starlet Ronald Reagan?
532
00:23:00,648 --> 00:23:03,022
Wow! So this is heaven.
533
00:23:03,023 --> 00:23:06,188
You had a 50/50 shot, but, uh, no.
534
00:23:09,106 --> 00:23:10,814
Listen to me, Donald.
535
00:23:10,815 --> 00:23:13,313
Everyone's been telling
you the Republican Party
536
00:23:13,314 --> 00:23:16,564
has two horses and you
need to ride them both.
537
00:23:16,565 --> 00:23:21,064
But the party is actually one
horse with two different heads.
538
00:23:21,065 --> 00:23:22,897
What's the, uh, penis situation?
539
00:23:22,898 --> 00:23:26,731
For decades, the buttoned-up,
good Republican presidents
540
00:23:26,732 --> 00:23:30,064
have enacted modern history's
grossest policies...
541
00:23:30,065 --> 00:23:32,605
The War on Drugs, ending welfare,
542
00:23:32,606 --> 00:23:35,439
couple of Iraq Wars, and
ignoring the AIDS crisis.
543
00:23:35,440 --> 00:23:37,480
That last one was you.
544
00:23:37,481 --> 00:23:39,105
In a way, they were all me,
545
00:23:39,106 --> 00:23:41,230
and I'm not ashamed of it, either.
546
00:23:41,231 --> 00:23:46,772
See, an inner-grossness connects
all Republicans, even you.
547
00:23:46,773 --> 00:23:48,564
Now, go, Donald.
548
00:23:48,565 --> 00:23:51,439
Be the grossest Republican you can be.
549
00:23:51,440 --> 00:23:53,522
Oh, and one more thing.
550
00:23:53,523 --> 00:23:54,897
Yes, sir?
551
00:23:54,898 --> 00:23:57,981
AIDS isn't real.
552
00:24:00,982 --> 00:24:03,939
Ugh! Hunh!
553
00:24:03,940 --> 00:24:05,313
Thanks, Wilbur.
554
00:24:05,314 --> 00:24:06,647
Oh, you're not dead.
555
00:24:06,648 --> 00:24:09,188
I just saw a corpse and
wanted to kick it.
556
00:24:09,189 --> 00:24:12,064
Dad, are you okay?
557
00:24:12,065 --> 00:24:13,814
My outrageous MAGA rally
558
00:24:13,815 --> 00:24:16,230
got me invited to Gene
Simmons' birthday party.
559
00:24:16,231 --> 00:24:19,022
It's "bring your own lube."
Do we have any Wesson oil?
560
00:24:19,023 --> 00:24:20,814
You're attending?!
561
00:24:20,815 --> 00:24:22,897
These are the sorts of
events I must attend
562
00:24:22,898 --> 00:24:24,689
to survive in the Republican Party.
563
00:24:24,690 --> 00:24:26,689
Dad, don't lose faith.
564
00:24:26,690 --> 00:24:30,105
The Grand Old Party still
has room for decency.
565
00:24:30,106 --> 00:24:32,022
Just look at its history...
566
00:24:32,023 --> 00:24:34,772
The War on Drugs, ending welfare,
567
00:24:34,773 --> 00:24:37,853
all those Iraq Wars, and
ignoring the AIDS crisis.
568
00:24:37,855 --> 00:24:39,272
I guess we always have been
569
00:24:39,273 --> 00:24:41,022
on the right side of
history, haven't we?
570
00:24:41,023 --> 00:24:43,188
Tagg, I used to think the
two G's in your name
571
00:24:43,189 --> 00:24:44,605
stood for "Good Guy."
572
00:24:44,606 --> 00:24:47,170
Now I know they stand for "Great Guy."
573
00:24:48,864 --> 00:24:50,397
What are you doing back?
574
00:24:50,398 --> 00:24:52,605
I ran over some guy with
a speedboat in Thailand.
575
00:24:52,606 --> 00:24:54,313
I was pretty sure he was already dead.
576
00:24:54,314 --> 00:24:56,313
Anyways, I had to take
the first flight back.
577
00:24:56,314 --> 00:25:00,147
Don, I had you, the party,
all of it, all wrong.
578
00:25:00,148 --> 00:25:03,313
We're all deplorable,
especially Ronald Reagan.
579
00:25:03,314 --> 00:25:04,872
He armed the Taliban.
580
00:25:04,874 --> 00:25:07,564
Shut up! I thought Reagan was a nerd.
581
00:25:07,565 --> 00:25:10,355
Now, we need to show this party
that they don't have to choose
582
00:25:10,356 --> 00:25:13,480
between being deplorable and
being good Republicans.
583
00:25:13,481 --> 00:25:15,022
Has anyone shot the tiger yet?
584
00:25:15,023 --> 00:25:18,230
John Bolton grazed it,
so it's super-pissed!
585
00:25:18,231 --> 00:25:19,856
Tell Attorney General William Barr
586
00:25:19,857 --> 00:25:22,480
we need a warrant to
arrest Hillary Clinton!
587
00:25:22,481 --> 00:25:24,147
But what if he won't sign it?
588
00:25:24,148 --> 00:25:27,064
Ah, never mind. He sent over
some blanks this morning.
589
00:25:27,065 --> 00:25:29,814
Before we get this show on the road,
590
00:25:29,815 --> 00:25:32,731
I want to say that
Ronald Reagan was right.
591
00:25:32,732 --> 00:25:35,772
America is a shining city on a hill.
592
00:25:35,773 --> 00:25:38,522
But when you get up close, you
notice that it's only shining
593
00:25:38,523 --> 00:25:41,981
because there's a bunch of
fake gold, illegal fireworks,
594
00:25:41,982 --> 00:25:44,814
and pervs experimenting
with flammable lubricants.
595
00:25:44,815 --> 00:25:47,064
I guess what I'm saying is,
596
00:25:47,065 --> 00:25:49,772
as much as the GOP pretends it's not,
597
00:25:49,773 --> 00:25:53,523
it is, from top to bottom,
super duper gross.
598
00:25:56,378 --> 00:25:59,897
In honor of this rich tradition,
please direct your attention
599
00:25:59,898 --> 00:26:04,147
to the most vivid
representation of our ideals...
600
00:26:04,148 --> 00:26:08,064
Hillary Clinton being fed
to an agitated tiger!
601
00:26:09,314 --> 00:26:12,147
Yeah-ah-ah! Washington is
finally working for me!
602
00:26:12,148 --> 00:26:14,939
That's one big Pokémon.
603
00:26:14,940 --> 00:26:17,605
Stop That's not true, Mr. President!
604
00:26:17,606 --> 00:26:20,105
This is the party of decency.
605
00:26:20,106 --> 00:26:23,022
Yeah, fuck you!
606
00:26:23,023 --> 00:26:24,981
When Reagan said we're a shinning city,
607
00:26:24,982 --> 00:26:27,731
he meant you got to look at
this country from far away,
608
00:26:27,732 --> 00:26:29,856
using binoculars,
standing on the balcony
609
00:26:29,857 --> 00:26:31,772
of your really nice house,
610
00:26:31,773 --> 00:26:34,689
and that's why decency will always w...
611
00:26:34,690 --> 00:26:36,981
Oh, snuggle worms.
612
00:26:38,565 --> 00:26:41,022
Oh, no. Did I miss it again?
613
00:26:41,023 --> 00:26:44,272
Wish I could help. Gotta go.
614
00:26:44,273 --> 00:26:45,856
Whoa. For a boring guy,
615
00:26:45,857 --> 00:26:48,147
Mitt's got a lot going on inside of him.
616
00:26:48,148 --> 00:26:51,188
After what you did to Hillary,
617
00:26:51,189 --> 00:26:54,522
there isn't a Republican alive
that would abandon you.
618
00:26:54,523 --> 00:26:57,522
I'm proud of you, Dad.
Hey. Check it out.
619
00:26:57,523 --> 00:26:59,689
Aw. Thanks, Don.
620
00:26:59,690 --> 00:27:01,772
Well, Hillary may have gotten away,
621
00:27:01,773 --> 00:27:04,105
and Mitt Romney might still
be clinging to life,
622
00:27:04,106 --> 00:27:06,313
but at least I showed
that any Republican
623
00:27:06,314 --> 00:27:08,230
who acts like they're better than me
624
00:27:08,231 --> 00:27:11,017
is absolutely kidding themselves.
625
00:27:12,037 --> 00:27:14,605
I just want to tell everyone
sorry that I put the family
626
00:27:14,606 --> 00:27:16,105
through yet another trying ordeal.
627
00:27:16,106 --> 00:27:18,105
Aw. It's okay.
628
00:27:18,106 --> 00:27:21,397
The important thing is you
stood up for what's right.
629
00:27:21,398 --> 00:27:23,772
And I learned that when
it comes down to it,
630
00:27:23,773 --> 00:27:27,272
the most decent thing anyone
can do is not make a big fuss.
631
00:27:27,273 --> 00:27:28,522
Hooray!
632
00:27:28,523 --> 00:27:31,272
Oh, what happened to
your face? Did you fall?
633
00:27:31,273 --> 00:27:33,147
Anyways, I've made my decision
634
00:27:33,148 --> 00:27:37,105
on whether to stay in the
Decent Republicans Caucus.
635
00:27:37,106 --> 00:27:38,540
And?
636
00:27:38,542 --> 00:27:41,965
Sync and corrections by btsix
www.addic7ed.com
637
00:27:41,967 --> 00:27:45,397
I'm not gonna do it. I'm a coward.
638
00:28:43,440 --> 00:28:44,799
Trump!