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Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie
www.addic7ed.com

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This is an NBC News special report.

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I'm Chuck Todd, and no
one remembers hiring me.

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The New York Times has
obtained ten years of figures

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from President Trump's tax returns,

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and for many of those
years, he lost more money

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than any person in America.

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The White House insists
this is fake news.

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And the President is going 
about his normal day.

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I was worried the day would
come when everyone would find out

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that I was the worst
businessman in history,

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but now that it's here, it's not so

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b-a-a-a-a-agh!

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Who am I kidding, Rudy?!
I'm so frickin' embarrassed!

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Be honest. Do you think
being exposed as a broke fraud

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will affect people's perception
that I'm not a broke fraud?

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Don't get so worked up.

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Everyone's public persona

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is a little different than who they are.

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But d-did you know that Johnny Carson

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was actually really shy?

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Fascinating, but not the same.

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We gotta get out of this news cycle.

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I need you to FaceTime Brian Williams,

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and I'm gonna show him my junk!

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Oh, great. There goes $300 in oysters!

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This is like that dream
where you show up to class

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and you're wearing a shirt that says

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"I'm the worst
businessman in the world!"

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Hey! Hey! Look me in my
weird dog bottom teeth!

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You are the most powerful
person in the world,

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and no one can take that away from you!

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Vice President Joe Biden's
poll numbers are surging

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well ahead of Trump in
states across the country...

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I'm sure it's just the blue states.

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... including Texas.

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There it is. Let it out.

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Hey! You don't need to be president!

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You're rich!

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Oh, wait. Never mind.

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Here was Biden earlier today somewhere.

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Voters are getting behind
my inspiring message.

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If you elect me president,
Trump won't be president!

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That's a good campaign slogan.
Maybe we can steal it!

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I just gotta not say
anything dumb for 18 months.

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All right. Let's get some questions.

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You there with the religious hat!

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And it's not just Joe Biden.

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Every other Democratic candidate
is beating Jonald... Donald Trump.

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Even Pete Buttigieg,

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who is the Chuck Todd of the candidates.

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And maybe the worst 
news for President Trump...

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the democrats are firming up a date

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for Robert Mueller to testify.

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- Get your popcorn.
- Hey! Look at you!

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You heard all that news,
and you haven't barfed yet!

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Here it comes!

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Ahh! Morning routine complete.

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Rudy, today's gonna be a great day!

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Don't listen to Mueller.
I've never been on this show!

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Ahh, another day in
heaven, working for fat dad.

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This is the best and
first job I've ever had!

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Shut up! He's coming! I'm gonna shit!

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- Daddy!
- Dad!

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Hey, kids. I made you
breakfast this morning.

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- Yes!
- Yeah!

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Relax. It's just a figure of speech.

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Good news, Daddy!

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I kept my mouth shut on
another divisive issue!

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And my analytics are going freakin' nuts

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for this photo of me holding
a rifle inside a fish's mouth.

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And I just found out there's
a cool skeleton inside of me!

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Look at us... me in this big
chair, you guys over there,

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a million-man militia ready
to tear this country in two

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as soon as I say, "Charge."

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What more could we want?

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Dad, that Mueller report
stirred up some old feelings

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for Trump Tower Moscow, huh?

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I'm perfectly happy where I am...

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in this drafty house full
of people who make me read.

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Besides, it's not like someone
else wants to build there.

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Someone else wants to build there!

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I'm Wolf Blitzer,

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and erotic hypnotists never
choose me as the volunteer.

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Vladimir Putin has sold the land
reserved for Trump Tower Moscow

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to Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos,

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a man whose head shot and dick pic

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are indistinguishable to the human eye.

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I'm excited to work with Putin,

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even though we have
very little in common.

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He's an oppressive autocrat,

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and I'm just a cool boss
who improves productivity

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by making workers
piss and shit themselves.

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Whatever. I'm so over it.

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Idiot liar!

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I almost built a gorgeous
tower with a murderous dictator.

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You never get over it.

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Yeah, like my wife and kids

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after I left them for
a background actress

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hoping for her big break
at 38. Not happening.

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You want to build Trump Tower Moscow?

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I mean, why not just burst
into Robert Mueller's office

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and shout, "I want a do-over"?

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Relax. I'm in a good
place, and to prove it,

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I will lovingly remember my
time with the Tower once more.

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It all started in 2015

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when I first laid eyes on her.

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I'm sorry. You're such a klutz.

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Ahh. I knew right then I had to have it,

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no matter how many laws I need to break

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or times Robert De Niro
would call me the C-word

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on the Kids' Choice Awards.

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I signed a letter of
intent the next day.

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We were going to be together forever.

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Then something terrible happened.

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Donald Trump has been elected
President of the United States.

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Hey. Uh, have you seen the
plans for Trump Tower Moscow?

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We're going to spend the weekend
together at Bear Mountain!

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Forget that building.

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You just scored with a
building way older and squatter.

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The White House!

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But that's impossible!

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I said John McCain wasn't a war hero!

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I-I accused a reporter of
menstruating on the job!

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I told everyone how big
and strong my hog was!

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I spent an entire debate

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just kind of lurking behind my opponent!

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Just let him cry it out.

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Uh, Pompeo, what's
going on at, uh, State?

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I talked to the Turks over

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- over the weekend.
- Pompeo, you bastard!

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- There's a man in pain over here!
- And they've agreed

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to hold off on any
engagement with the Kurds

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- for the next 90 days.
- I wanna die!

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- Don't you understand?!
- The Turks have made it clear that...

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We're on in five!

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Nancy, we've done it.

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We've proven all the doubters wrong.

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I can't believe we have
the majority in the House.

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And the minority in the Senate,

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which is even more
powerful than the majority.

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And now for our biggest
achievement yet...

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an interview with the crimson
goatee himself, Chuck Todd!

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My name is Chuck Todd,
and I look like it.

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We're joined this Sunday

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by, uh, Speaker Pelosi
and Leader Schumer,

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who have requested the
audience genuflect before them.

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Okay. First and only question.

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Are you friends with
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez,

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and, i-if so, what is she like?

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Ahhhhh...

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Sir, is everything okay?

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You're sighing so loud,

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Karen can't hear herself
search for gay fingerprints.

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They were here!

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The scented hand soap

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is below the line I
drew on the dispenser!

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I've never fallen for anything or anyone

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like I did for Trump Tower Moscow.

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Oh, no. I'm so jealous.

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Maybe it'd be better to make it work

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with this stable, stocky White House.

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Yeah. I guess you're right.

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It has its quirks, but at
least it was built by slaves.

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There ya go!

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The corporate tax rate may be 21%,

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but corporations never pay that, honey!

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She gets way more attention than us,

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and she hasn't passed one bill
that weakens teachers' unions!

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After we won Congress, I assumed
the youths would worship us

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for the rest of their
hopeless, debt-ridden lives.

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Clearly, the kids are responding

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to something AOC has that we don't.

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A microwave!

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Nancy, have you ever microwaved before?

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- What am I... a chef?!
- All right.

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You press "record," and I'll
just start pushing stuff.

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Are we viral?

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Nancy, we need to see the
one person in this town

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who knows how to use a
microwave... Ocasio-Cortez.

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Pence is right. I don't need a hotel

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with 80 Russian hookers
roaming the hallways.

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I get to live at 1600 Washington Avenue.

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- Rah! Ahh!
- Don, what are you doing?!

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Those were Dolley Madison's plates!

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I was gonna sell those!

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I'm sick of this! Dad,
you're my best friend.

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Shut up!

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- Stop it!
- You're my best...

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Stop it! I'm gonna get the hiccups!

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... friend. But in six years,
if you're still wasting your life

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in some crappy White House

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instead of pursuing the
tower of your dreams,

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I will kick your ass!

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You're right, Don.

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I loved that tower.

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♪ Far across the sea ♪

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♪ In the motherland ♪

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♪ Was my Trump Tower ♪

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♪ Moscow ♪

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♪ A legitimate ♪

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♪ Venture of my brand ♪

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♪ My sweet Trump Tower Moscow ♪

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♪ Moscow ♪

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♪ Moscow ♪

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♪ Moscow ♪

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♪ Right behind those golden doors ♪

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♪ Is the best hotel you've ever seen ♪

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♪ Step onto those linoleum floors ♪

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♪ Covered with faux marbling ♪

211
00:09:06,869 --> 00:09:09,804
♪ And the lady at the counter
typing way too loud ♪

212
00:09:09,829 --> 00:09:12,569
♪ Hands you your two room keys ♪

213
00:09:12,594 --> 00:09:14,126
♪ Giving you the ticket ♪

214
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♪ To world-class amenities ♪

215
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♪ Like a fitness room ♪

216
00:09:19,569 --> 00:09:21,169
♪ With a stationary bike ♪

217
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♪ And an ice machine ♪

218
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♪ Making tap-water ice ♪

219
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♪ And a restaurant ♪

220
00:09:26,142 --> 00:09:29,477
♪ That's really nice ♪

221
00:09:29,767 --> 00:09:31,273
♪ And a mini bar ♪

222
00:09:31,298 --> 00:09:32,663
♪ With 12-dollar Sprites ♪

223
00:09:32,688 --> 00:09:33,999
♪ And a business center ♪

224
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♪ With fluorescent lights ♪

225
00:09:35,485 --> 00:09:37,585
♪ And a restaurant ♪

226
00:09:37,610 --> 00:09:40,781
♪ That's really nice ♪

227
00:09:41,078 --> 00:09:43,912
♪ Really nice ♪

228
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♪ It would have been my Trump Tower ♪

229
00:09:47,473 --> 00:09:50,570
♪ But now I'm in power ♪

230
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♪ Was my Trump Tower ♪

231
00:09:54,240 --> 00:09:58,342
♪ Moscow ♪

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All those in favor of funding
Trump Tower Moscow, say, "Aye,"

233
00:10:03,544 --> 00:10:05,813
except Susan Collins, which is a given.

234
00:10:05,838 --> 00:10:07,548
Hey! That's true!

235
00:10:07,605 --> 00:10:08,798
Those who oppose?

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00:10:08,823 --> 00:10:10,915
- No!
- Are you fucking insane?!

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00:10:10,940 --> 00:10:13,704
The "are you fucking insanes" have it.

238
00:10:13,767 --> 00:10:14,966
You guys are jerks!

239
00:10:14,991 --> 00:10:17,470
I'm gonna get my Russian hotel built

240
00:10:17,495 --> 00:10:19,395
because I know, in my bones,

241
00:10:19,448 --> 00:10:22,249
it's what the American people want!

242
00:10:22,274 --> 00:10:23,626
Last night, your approval rating

243
00:10:23,651 --> 00:10:25,818
went through a slight
25-point adjustment.

244
00:10:25,843 --> 00:10:28,532
Bill Shine, I told you
that tie was a loser!

245
00:10:28,557 --> 00:10:31,056
Sir, I used to handle the
settlements at Fox News.

246
00:10:31,081 --> 00:10:32,228
If it's money you desire,

247
00:10:32,253 --> 00:10:33,979
just accuse me of
sexually harassing you.

248
00:10:34,004 --> 00:10:35,609
I'll take out my checkbook.
We'll settle this right here.

249
00:10:35,633 --> 00:10:37,229
Ahh, money's great.

250
00:10:37,323 --> 00:10:39,958
It's just that every
time I close my eyes,

251
00:10:39,983 --> 00:10:42,510
I picture myself with that tower.

252
00:10:42,588 --> 00:10:45,292
Two point five little
towers running around.

253
00:10:45,317 --> 00:10:49,086
Every Christmas, we stand around
the piano singing tower songs.

254
00:10:49,111 --> 00:10:51,444
We raise them half-tower, half-human.

255
00:10:51,469 --> 00:10:54,493
Sure, it's gonna be
tough, but we're family.

256
00:10:54,773 --> 00:10:56,392
Let's get that feel-good nonsense

257
00:10:56,417 --> 00:10:58,040
in front of the American people.

258
00:10:58,065 --> 00:11:00,306
First up, your most pitiful sycophants.

259
00:11:00,350 --> 00:11:02,751
♪ Three white people on a couch ♪

260
00:11:02,776 --> 00:11:04,928
♪ It's Fox & Friends ♪

261
00:11:04,953 --> 00:11:06,737
Your grandkids don't speak to you,

262
00:11:06,762 --> 00:11:09,035
but you've still got Fox & Friends!

263
00:11:09,060 --> 00:11:10,893
We flipped on the lights this mornin',

264
00:11:10,918 --> 00:11:13,816
and the President of the United
States was already sitting here!

265
00:11:13,841 --> 00:11:15,473
Please explain to the dumb-dumbs

266
00:11:15,498 --> 00:11:18,133
why we need to build a
Trump Tower on Russian soil.

267
00:11:18,158 --> 00:11:21,035
Democrats act like they care
so much about foreigners,

268
00:11:21,091 --> 00:11:23,224
but what about all
those Russian oligarchs

269
00:11:23,249 --> 00:11:26,082
unable to soak in a
one-jet, teacup Jacuzzi

270
00:11:26,107 --> 00:11:28,012
with knobs that squeak like dolphins?

271
00:11:28,037 --> 00:11:30,340
- Aww!
- You're not dreamin', folks.

272
00:11:30,365 --> 00:11:32,699
The President's here, and
we're talkin' dolphins.

273
00:11:36,530 --> 00:11:38,029
- AOC!
- Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez!

274
00:11:38,054 --> 00:11:39,436
Aah! Oh. I thought you two died.

275
00:11:39,461 --> 00:11:42,132
The microwave parts missed every artery.

276
00:11:42,157 --> 00:11:43,711
Let's get to why we're all here.

277
00:11:43,736 --> 00:11:45,802
For some reason, the
youths don't realize

278
00:11:45,827 --> 00:11:47,609
we're the coolest cats in cat town.

279
00:11:47,634 --> 00:11:50,702
Me-ow! We need your help
getting the word out.

280
00:11:50,743 --> 00:11:52,812
Can we pick your brain over dinner?

281
00:11:52,837 --> 00:11:54,406
How does 4:45 work for you?

282
00:11:54,431 --> 00:11:56,461
Ohh, I don't think I can make it

283
00:11:56,486 --> 00:11:58,486
because my entire political appeal

284
00:11:58,511 --> 00:12:00,851
is based on never, ever
being seen with you two.

285
00:12:00,876 --> 00:12:01,882
What's it gonna take?

286
00:12:01,907 --> 00:12:03,820
How about gold nail clippers

287
00:12:03,845 --> 00:12:06,250
Jerry Nadler gave me at
last year's Christmas party?

288
00:12:06,275 --> 00:12:07,617
Lightly used every day.

289
00:12:07,669 --> 00:12:08,867
Don't do it, Chuck!

290
00:12:08,892 --> 00:12:10,826
Maybe get off your rich, bony asses

291
00:12:10,851 --> 00:12:14,015
and create a commission for
my Green New Deal, honey!

292
00:12:14,040 --> 00:12:15,367
- Done.
- Oh, thank God.

293
00:12:15,489 --> 00:12:17,770
I thought I was gonna have to
give up those nail clippers!

294
00:12:18,561 --> 00:12:22,101
If there's a hell, I'm
pretty sure we're gonna go.

295
00:12:22,126 --> 00:12:24,695
Oh, Jesus. Enough with
the hell talk, Eric.

296
00:12:24,720 --> 00:12:26,500
Everything's gonna be fine,

297
00:12:26,525 --> 00:12:29,226
after Giuliani turns in
another flawless performance.

298
00:12:29,505 --> 00:12:32,864
Isn't this hotel an obvious scam
designed to enrich the President?

299
00:12:32,895 --> 00:12:34,756
D-D-D-D... I'm gonna stop
you right there, Chuck.

300
00:12:34,780 --> 00:12:37,014
If anything, it would be
illegal for the President

301
00:12:37,039 --> 00:12:38,929
not to build Trump Tower Moscow.

302
00:12:38,954 --> 00:12:41,492
Sure, he's gonna make a buck,
but he has to run a building.

303
00:12:41,542 --> 00:12:44,443
He's got some hairy Olaf
guy calling him at 3 a.m.

304
00:12:44,468 --> 00:12:45,667
saying the pipes are banging.

305
00:12:45,692 --> 00:12:47,925
Donald's gotta climb
80 floors in sweatpants,

306
00:12:47,950 --> 00:12:50,570
rip down the plaster, take
out his big, goofy flashlight,

307
00:12:50,595 --> 00:12:51,827
act like he knows what he's doing.

308
00:12:51,851 --> 00:12:53,517
He doesn't know what he's doing!

309
00:12:54,480 --> 00:12:55,679
Oh, Donald's calling. Hold on.

310
00:12:55,703 --> 00:12:57,437
- What are you doing?!
- What did I say?

311
00:12:58,008 --> 00:13:00,297
- Wow. Ok... Rings a bell.
- ... fucking asshole!

312
00:13:00,322 --> 00:13:02,322
Ahh, you're kidding me.
All right. Let me tr...

313
00:13:02,338 --> 00:13:03,930
Okay. I'll try. I'll try. Okay.

314
00:13:03,955 --> 00:13:05,915
All right. Let me get back
to what I said about...

315
00:13:06,085 --> 00:13:07,685
I forgot. Hold on. Let me call him back.

316
00:13:09,396 --> 00:13:11,537
- Is it on?
- Is it working?

317
00:13:11,610 --> 00:13:12,975
Hello, constituents.

318
00:13:13,000 --> 00:13:16,888
Join the new "I'm with Blue,
how about you?" campaign

319
00:13:16,913 --> 00:13:18,145
to urge Democrats

320
00:13:18,170 --> 00:13:20,559
to drop the fight for
a livable minimum wage.

321
00:13:20,584 --> 00:13:22,135
Okay. No, honey, let's cut.

322
00:13:22,159 --> 00:13:23,391
We didn't get to announce

323
00:13:23,416 --> 00:13:26,623
which donor tier gets
an XL Monsanto shirt!

324
00:13:26,648 --> 00:13:28,341
Low-key, people are tired

325
00:13:28,366 --> 00:13:30,693
of scripted, focus-grouped messages.

326
00:13:30,718 --> 00:13:32,751
They want passionate leaders.

327
00:13:32,894 --> 00:13:34,802
Great. Which passions
are polling the best?

328
00:13:34,827 --> 00:13:37,521
Forget it. I gotta go to
Senator Dick Durbin's party.

329
00:13:37,560 --> 00:13:38,919
It's gonna be lit!

330
00:13:38,944 --> 00:13:40,376
Chuck!

331
00:13:40,401 --> 00:13:43,107
We weren't invited to the Durbin Derby!

332
00:13:43,132 --> 00:13:44,932
But I kept that secret about him using

333
00:13:44,957 --> 00:13:47,584
the Congressional blow
dryer on his bean bag!

334
00:13:47,609 --> 00:13:49,216
Alexandria, wait!

335
00:13:49,241 --> 00:13:50,763
We can do this.

336
00:13:52,252 --> 00:13:54,459
Sir, we've tried everything
to convince the country

337
00:13:54,484 --> 00:13:56,684
to build your wacky
hotel, including releasing

338
00:13:56,709 --> 00:13:59,419
a limited-edition Trump
Tower Moscow Man cereal.

339
00:13:59,444 --> 00:14:01,443
Unfortunately, it tasted like bricks.

340
00:14:01,468 --> 00:14:04,882
Have you considered just declaring
another national emergency?

341
00:14:04,907 --> 00:14:07,100
How dare you suggest such a thing!

342
00:14:07,125 --> 00:14:08,999
I learned my lesson and will never again

343
00:14:09,024 --> 00:14:11,367
violate my sacred duty
to the Constitu...

344
00:14:11,392 --> 00:14:13,159
I'm kidding. It's done.
What's for lunch?

345
00:14:14,775 --> 00:14:17,150
I requested a joint session of Congress

346
00:14:17,175 --> 00:14:19,212
because I supposedly negotiated

347
00:14:19,237 --> 00:14:22,682
a two-state solution between
Israel and Palestine.

348
00:14:22,707 --> 00:14:24,643
The truth is, I've done
nothing of the sort.

349
00:14:24,668 --> 00:14:27,627
Yay! Fight! Fight! Fight! Yay!

350
00:14:27,652 --> 00:14:29,318
Actually, I'm just letting you know

351
00:14:29,343 --> 00:14:31,924
that because you guys are
being such jerks about it,

352
00:14:31,949 --> 00:14:34,583
I'm declaring a national emergency

353
00:14:34,608 --> 00:14:36,608
to build Trump Tower Moscow!

354
00:14:36,633 --> 00:14:38,156
Boo!

355
00:14:38,181 --> 00:14:40,047
Come on. You love it.

356
00:14:41,967 --> 00:14:43,890
We're here with my squad.

357
00:14:43,933 --> 00:14:46,753
There's the OG, Chuck Schumer...

358
00:14:46,778 --> 00:14:47,843
Mr. Cool!

359
00:14:47,868 --> 00:14:51,797
... and Queen Nancy Pelosi!

360
00:14:51,822 --> 00:14:53,688
Fancy Nancy!

361
00:14:53,713 --> 00:14:57,382
And we think that before
we build hotels in Moscow,

362
00:14:57,407 --> 00:15:00,985
we need to focus on
a Green New Deal, honey!

363
00:15:01,010 --> 00:15:03,343
Yes, and how will we pay for it?

364
00:15:03,368 --> 00:15:05,068
You guys know the dealio.

365
00:15:05,093 --> 00:15:07,781
Massive tax increases on the wealthy!

366
00:15:07,806 --> 00:15:10,073
Yo, honey! Okurrr!

367
00:15:10,724 --> 00:15:13,888
Wow! It's so easy declaring
a national emergency!

368
00:15:13,913 --> 00:15:16,881
I might do another one
tomorrow. Depends what's on TV.

369
00:15:16,906 --> 00:15:18,412
Anyway, let's break ground

370
00:15:18,437 --> 00:15:21,038
before this Bezos guy
starts mowing my lawn.

371
00:15:21,063 --> 00:15:22,365
Oh, bad news, kiddo.

372
00:15:22,390 --> 00:15:25,358
I just found this pesky
regulation in the NATO charter

373
00:15:25,383 --> 00:15:26,842
that says you can't build here

374
00:15:26,867 --> 00:15:28,686
unless you pull out of NATO, of course.

375
00:15:28,790 --> 00:15:30,092
- Really?
- Yeah, yeah.

376
00:15:30,117 --> 00:15:31,990
It's in the really long and boring part.

377
00:15:32,040 --> 00:15:34,508
Ugh! That sounds really long and boring.

378
00:15:34,597 --> 00:15:37,030
Problem is, everything
everyone says I can't do,

379
00:15:37,055 --> 00:15:39,139
I do, and everyone's
like, "Fine. Whatever."

380
00:15:39,164 --> 00:15:40,749
But pulling out of NATO is the one thing

381
00:15:40,773 --> 00:15:42,788
everyone's like, "No, that
one you really can't do."

382
00:15:42,812 --> 00:15:44,006
Aww. Too bad.

383
00:15:44,031 --> 00:15:46,053
Hey! Uh, Trump's too much of a wuss!

384
00:15:46,078 --> 00:15:48,656
- Bezos, it's a go!
- Fantastic!

385
00:15:48,681 --> 00:15:52,156
My distribution center is gonna
have 50 floors, one bathroom,

386
00:15:52,181 --> 00:15:53,774
and a really nice restaurant.

387
00:15:53,799 --> 00:15:56,733
Hey! Making the restaurant
really nice was my idea!

388
00:15:56,758 --> 00:15:58,259
H-How do I pull out of NATO?

389
00:15:58,284 --> 00:16:01,158
I don't have an Allen wrench,
FYI, if that's a part of it.

390
00:16:05,033 --> 00:16:06,970
- Ahh...
- Ohh...

391
00:16:07,355 --> 00:16:09,181
Aah! Free college!

392
00:16:09,206 --> 00:16:11,978
Chuck, wake up! What
happened last night?

393
00:16:12,003 --> 00:16:14,377
I had this dream we
promised to do some stuff

394
00:16:14,402 --> 00:16:16,697
that would require a political spine.

395
00:16:16,722 --> 00:16:18,651
Your housekeepers are
probably just poisoning you.

396
00:16:18,675 --> 00:16:20,175
It happens to all of us eventually.

397
00:16:20,200 --> 00:16:21,572
Well, should we head outside

398
00:16:21,597 --> 00:16:23,861
and joylessly pursue our modest goals?

399
00:16:23,886 --> 00:16:25,517
After you, my hack.

400
00:16:27,131 --> 00:16:30,130
- We love you, Nancy!
- We Stan you, Chuck!

401
00:16:30,335 --> 00:16:32,724
- Eat the rich!
- "Eat the rich"?

402
00:16:32,749 --> 00:16:34,716
What the hell are these
people talking about?!

403
00:16:34,741 --> 00:16:37,865
AOC! That bitch!

404
00:16:39,682 --> 00:16:41,169
Just want to thank you all

405
00:16:41,194 --> 00:16:43,654
for supporting my emergency declaration.

406
00:16:43,679 --> 00:16:44,685
Ehh...

407
00:16:44,710 --> 00:16:47,521
And I was thinking, what
better way to celebrate

408
00:16:47,546 --> 00:16:50,076
- than to pull out of NATO?
- Whoa!

409
00:16:50,101 --> 00:16:52,701
Pulling out of NATO is nuts!
And that's coming from someone

410
00:16:52,726 --> 00:16:54,521
who sleeps upside down in a coffin.

411
00:16:54,546 --> 00:16:58,114
I sleep on my side, and my wife
says that sometimes I snore.

412
00:16:58,139 --> 00:17:00,357
Pompeo, just because people are talking

413
00:17:00,382 --> 00:17:01,974
doesn't mean you have to talk, too.

414
00:17:01,999 --> 00:17:05,622
Sir, an international conspiracy
between autocratic populists

415
00:17:05,647 --> 00:17:07,046
is a two-way street.

416
00:17:07,071 --> 00:17:08,905
I see you doing things for Putin,

417
00:17:08,930 --> 00:17:10,755
but what has he done for you?

418
00:17:10,780 --> 00:17:13,147
He does things for America all the time.

419
00:17:13,172 --> 00:17:14,972
Moana. Yeah, I think he did that.

420
00:17:14,997 --> 00:17:17,328
The supermoon was his.
You're just jealous.

421
00:17:17,353 --> 00:17:19,887
My wife gets jealous
when I spend too much time

422
00:17:19,912 --> 00:17:21,144
watching the ballgame.

423
00:17:21,169 --> 00:17:23,086
She hates you, Pompeo! Everyone does!

424
00:17:23,111 --> 00:17:24,610
You're like if curdled milk grew a mouth

425
00:17:24,634 --> 00:17:26,351
and couldn't all the way zip his pants.

426
00:17:27,739 --> 00:17:30,328
Good point, @PikaChoomGang87.

427
00:17:30,353 --> 00:17:34,388
We can't prepare for climate
refugees until we abolish ICE.

428
00:17:34,413 --> 00:17:37,289
Hold that thought.
AOC needs a pizza bagel.

429
00:17:38,392 --> 00:17:39,992
You ruined us!

430
00:17:40,033 --> 00:17:43,134
Now our donors think we're
some kind of liberals!

431
00:17:43,159 --> 00:17:45,726
Do you know how many bags
of Monsanto fertilizer

432
00:17:45,751 --> 00:17:47,968
I'm gonna have to chug
to get my calls returned?!

433
00:17:47,993 --> 00:17:50,594
You do realize that just
because you cracked the screen

434
00:17:50,619 --> 00:17:52,711
doesn't mean that you broke the camera.

435
00:17:53,530 --> 00:17:56,513
So all this is... 'Gramming out?

436
00:17:56,538 --> 00:17:58,172
Say hi to two million people

437
00:17:58,196 --> 00:18:00,545
who got into politics
maybe five months ago!

438
00:18:01,800 --> 00:18:04,280
Can you believe my Cabinet
thinks you're using me?

439
00:18:04,344 --> 00:18:07,342
Look, you don't need a Cabinet.
Okay? That settles that.

440
00:18:07,367 --> 00:18:09,545
Okay, so, for the Trump Tower Lobby,

441
00:18:09,570 --> 00:18:12,553
I'm thinking some gold, maybe
a front desk with a lady.

442
00:18:12,578 --> 00:18:14,725
Ahh, forget about the stupid tower.

443
00:18:14,750 --> 00:18:16,850
You need to focus on
pulling out of NATO.

444
00:18:16,875 --> 00:18:19,776
Back up! Did you just
call the tower stupid?

445
00:18:19,801 --> 00:18:21,901
Trump, I love you, but if
you don't pull out of NATO,

446
00:18:21,926 --> 00:18:23,288
this is not going to work.

447
00:18:23,313 --> 00:18:25,747
No. You hang up fir...

448
00:18:25,851 --> 00:18:26,953
God damn it!

449
00:18:27,940 --> 00:18:29,740
No one say a friggin' word!

450
00:18:29,765 --> 00:18:31,883
I called an emergency joint session

451
00:18:31,908 --> 00:18:34,773
to say I didn't want that
tower in the first place!

452
00:18:34,798 --> 00:18:36,477
I'm perfectly happy as...

453
00:18:37,573 --> 00:18:38,625
president.

454
00:18:38,740 --> 00:18:42,508
I don't need portraits
of beaches in the lobby,

455
00:18:42,533 --> 00:18:45,109
a pool with eye-hurting water,

456
00:18:45,134 --> 00:18:48,336
one person at the front desk
who isn't waiting on anybody,

457
00:18:48,361 --> 00:18:49,994
but you can't talk to them

458
00:18:50,019 --> 00:18:52,286
because they're looking
down at something!

459
00:18:54,697 --> 00:18:56,195
It hurts so bad!

460
00:18:56,414 --> 00:18:59,156
I'm still gonna support
him, but just out of pity.

461
00:19:00,594 --> 00:19:02,500
Nom-nom-nom-nom!

462
00:19:02,572 --> 00:19:04,338
You're too good for that tower, sir.

463
00:19:04,363 --> 00:19:06,997
You need to get back out there
and build another monstrosity,

464
00:19:07,022 --> 00:19:08,521
maybe a detention center

465
00:19:08,546 --> 00:19:11,078
or a self-sealing cube
for menstruating women.

466
00:19:11,103 --> 00:19:14,137
I'm just worried that I
let my soulmate get away.

467
00:19:20,504 --> 00:19:22,285
We're in a pickle, Chuck.

468
00:19:22,310 --> 00:19:24,844
If we act like ourselves,
we're despised,

469
00:19:24,869 --> 00:19:27,442
but if we act like AOC, we're popular.

470
00:19:27,467 --> 00:19:28,767
What do we do?!

471
00:19:28,792 --> 00:19:31,528
Let's just become Republicans.

472
00:19:31,553 --> 00:19:34,606
Ah, we couldn't live with
ourselves if we got stuff done.

473
00:19:34,631 --> 00:19:37,431
You're right. You know what?
We should open a travel agency!

474
00:19:37,456 --> 00:19:40,466
No one uses travel agents anymore.

475
00:19:40,491 --> 00:19:42,919
Exactly! We'd be the
only ones out there!

476
00:19:42,944 --> 00:19:46,913
But no one uses them!
That's why they don't exist!

477
00:19:46,938 --> 00:19:49,747
I know! That's the point!

478
00:19:54,371 --> 00:19:56,700
Someone's got the sillies.
What got into you?

479
00:19:56,761 --> 00:19:58,560
I had a great idea last night.

480
00:19:58,585 --> 00:20:01,481
What if we build Trump Tower Moscow...

481
00:20:01,520 --> 00:20:04,356
in Rio, Brazil, baby?!

482
00:20:04,381 --> 00:20:07,286
Dad, that sounds awesome,
but the only place

483
00:20:07,311 --> 00:20:10,693
you're building Trump Tower
Moscow Rio is in Moscow.

484
00:20:10,875 --> 00:20:14,006
Why? Because you're still
hung up on that hot-ass hotel.

485
00:20:14,031 --> 00:20:15,129
I'm so not.

486
00:20:15,154 --> 00:20:16,920
Then why did I find this under your bed

487
00:20:16,945 --> 00:20:19,686
next to blueprints for
something called Pizza Car?

488
00:20:19,787 --> 00:20:22,054
Ever since you launched your campaign,

489
00:20:22,079 --> 00:20:25,592
the Democrats, Robert
Mueller, everyone on Earth

490
00:20:25,649 --> 00:20:28,650
has been trying to figure
out why you kiss Russia's ass,

491
00:20:28,675 --> 00:20:31,420
as if it's something more
complicated than it is.

492
00:20:31,445 --> 00:20:32,544
What is it?

493
00:20:32,569 --> 00:20:35,373
Love... of a shit ton of money.

494
00:20:35,500 --> 00:20:38,654
But the tower's moved
on with Jeff Bezos.

495
00:20:38,731 --> 00:20:42,082
A lot of towers would love your
name on them. That I know.

496
00:20:42,200 --> 00:20:45,231
But sometimes the tower
that you were meant for

497
00:20:45,256 --> 00:20:48,598
was right in front of
you all along in Moscow.

498
00:20:48,794 --> 00:20:50,176
Now go to it.

499
00:20:51,452 --> 00:20:54,801
If we hold a vote on
AOC's Green New Deal,

500
00:20:54,826 --> 00:20:58,036
we'll get disinvited from
Exxon's Christmas party.

501
00:20:58,123 --> 00:21:01,239
Pitbull was there last year. Pitbull!

502
00:21:01,264 --> 00:21:03,723
Maybe this is the only copy.
Throw it in the microwave.

503
00:21:08,537 --> 00:21:10,938
You know, I once heard
the next generation

504
00:21:10,963 --> 00:21:12,942
is looking for passionate leaders.

505
00:21:12,968 --> 00:21:15,122
Maybe the only way to keep power

506
00:21:15,147 --> 00:21:18,668
is to get out there and fight
for what we're told is right!

507
00:21:18,708 --> 00:21:21,676
Oh, boy. Nadler's gonna take
his clippers back, isn't he?

508
00:21:22,023 --> 00:21:24,153
It's called courage, Chuck.

509
00:21:26,948 --> 00:21:30,198
I'm flying to Moscow and
telling that tower how I feel,

510
00:21:30,223 --> 00:21:31,794
but, first, I'm gonna
watch a quick eight

511
00:21:31,818 --> 00:21:33,793
- straight hours of TV.
- Ass yeah!

512
00:21:38,733 --> 00:21:41,234
Dad! Jeff Bezos is breaking ground

513
00:21:41,259 --> 00:21:44,028
on his Moscow distribution
center in 12 hours!

514
00:21:44,053 --> 00:21:47,021
The flight is nine hours!
I'll never make it in time!

515
00:21:47,046 --> 00:21:48,091
- Aww, man.
- Ugh!

516
00:21:48,116 --> 00:21:49,185
Aww! Wait!

517
00:21:49,210 --> 00:21:51,457
You can watch TV on the plane!

518
00:21:51,592 --> 00:21:53,168
Eric, you're a genius!

519
00:21:54,257 --> 00:21:55,273
Madam Speaker,

520
00:21:55,297 --> 00:21:58,296
I urge you to bring
House Resolution 1878,

521
00:21:58,321 --> 00:22:00,686
the establishment of a
Green New Deal Commission,

522
00:22:00,711 --> 00:22:03,023
to the floor. And to
co-sponsor this bill,

523
00:22:03,048 --> 00:22:06,376
I brought with me today Queer
Eye sensation Jonathan Van Ness!

524
00:22:06,502 --> 00:22:10,110
I'm talking less greenhouse
gases, more renewable energy.

525
00:22:10,135 --> 00:22:13,532
I'm talking a 40%-to-60%
reduction in emissions

526
00:22:13,557 --> 00:22:16,579
from 2010 levels by 2030, honey!

527
00:22:19,858 --> 00:22:21,210
I'll be okay.

528
00:22:21,995 --> 00:22:25,195
This nation's greatest
accomplishments were the result

529
00:22:25,220 --> 00:22:28,929
of leaders soberly
pursuing reasonable goals.

530
00:22:29,023 --> 00:22:30,889
Like when Martin Luther King Jr.

531
00:22:30,914 --> 00:22:33,554
stood on the steps and
said those inspiring words,

532
00:22:33,806 --> 00:22:36,859
"I have a dream, but it will
never get through the Senate."

533
00:22:37,093 --> 00:22:39,289
But that's not the world
we live in anymore.

534
00:22:39,314 --> 00:22:43,259
We live in the world of
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez,

535
00:22:43,284 --> 00:22:45,551
where passionately pursuing your beliefs

536
00:22:45,576 --> 00:22:47,064
is somehow more important

537
00:22:47,089 --> 00:22:49,485
than not making donor dinners awkward.

538
00:22:49,510 --> 00:22:53,470
And that's why I
support this absurd bill!

539
00:22:54,605 --> 00:22:56,138
All in favor?

540
00:22:56,163 --> 00:22:57,228
Aye!

541
00:22:57,300 --> 00:22:58,999
And the ayes have it.

542
00:22:59,078 --> 00:23:01,267
Chuck, you'll take it from here.

543
00:23:01,422 --> 00:23:03,789
On behalf of the United States Senate,

544
00:23:03,814 --> 00:23:06,763
I pronounce this bill dead on arrival!

545
00:23:08,479 --> 00:23:10,966
Whoo! Yippee!

546
00:23:12,406 --> 00:23:14,616
Oh, I'm so nervous. H-H-How do I look?

547
00:23:14,641 --> 00:23:17,507
If it's meant to be, it won't
matter how long your tie is.

548
00:23:17,610 --> 00:23:21,335
Don, I couldn't have done it
without you, my best friend.

549
00:23:23,120 --> 00:23:25,233
I can't say it without laughing!

550
00:23:25,985 --> 00:23:28,679
Who's best friends with their dad?!

551
00:23:28,704 --> 00:23:30,030
Pathetic!

552
00:23:30,184 --> 00:23:33,069
And now to break ground
on this distribution center

553
00:23:33,094 --> 00:23:35,495
whose working conditions
terrify even me.

554
00:23:37,399 --> 00:23:39,069
Shit! Ass! We're too late!

555
00:23:40,002 --> 00:23:43,017
N-o-o-o-o!

556
00:23:43,042 --> 00:23:45,978
Aaaaah!

557
00:23:46,003 --> 00:23:47,869
Whoa! Jesus Christ, Donald!

558
00:23:47,894 --> 00:23:50,259
There's a lot of vital
organs where that shovel is!

559
00:23:50,284 --> 00:23:53,040
Hey. This is the healthiest
thing I've ever put in my body.

560
00:23:53,151 --> 00:23:56,653
Look, Putin, no one is getting
between me and that tower,

561
00:23:56,678 --> 00:23:58,845
especially you and Jerk Bozo.

562
00:23:58,870 --> 00:24:00,402
That's my new nickname for him.

563
00:24:00,427 --> 00:24:01,900
Do we like it? We like it.

564
00:24:01,935 --> 00:24:04,402
Donald, listen. I have
given the land to Bezos.

565
00:24:04,427 --> 00:24:06,540
Unlike you, he actually has the power

566
00:24:06,565 --> 00:24:08,353
to get the U.S. to pull out of NATO.

567
00:24:08,378 --> 00:24:09,978
Hold it right there, Vladimir.

568
00:24:10,003 --> 00:24:12,173
Like so many Amazon employees,

569
00:24:12,198 --> 00:24:15,353
Donald here has sacrificed his
vital organs to make a buck,

570
00:24:15,457 --> 00:24:17,290
and there's something
to be said for that.

571
00:24:17,363 --> 00:24:20,825
So you're giving me the land
so I can build my cool hotel?!

572
00:24:20,850 --> 00:24:22,755
Oh, God, no. I got to make a buck, too.

573
00:24:22,780 --> 00:24:24,178
So let's break this ground!

574
00:24:27,212 --> 00:24:29,177
There's gonna be so much piss and shit.

575
00:24:29,202 --> 00:24:30,348
It's gonna be great.

576
00:24:30,757 --> 00:24:32,794
Don, pull the plane around.

577
00:24:32,914 --> 00:24:35,548
I literally have no idea how to do that.

578
00:24:35,573 --> 00:24:39,052
Don, you're embarrassing
me. Pull around the plane.

579
00:24:41,296 --> 00:24:44,997
Well, Chuck, we held onto
power for one more day.

580
00:24:45,079 --> 00:24:46,482
Do you think we'll ever kill someone

581
00:24:46,506 --> 00:24:48,012
in the name of preserving our status?

582
00:24:48,037 --> 00:24:51,645
There's a lot of bends in
the river of life. Who knows?

583
00:24:51,791 --> 00:24:55,153
Hey. I know you really
wanted this, so here you go.

584
00:24:55,748 --> 00:24:56,818
Oh, my God.

585
00:24:56,843 --> 00:24:58,632
- Where did you get these?!
- I promised

586
00:24:58,657 --> 00:25:00,836
Jerry Nadler I'd teach
him to floss dance.

587
00:25:01,532 --> 00:25:04,485
So, some other freshmen
congresspeople and I

588
00:25:04,510 --> 00:25:05,728
are going to Twitch stream ourselves

589
00:25:05,752 --> 00:25:08,539
eating fast casual ramen
and talking wage slavery.

590
00:25:08,564 --> 00:25:09,657
You should come.

591
00:25:10,705 --> 00:25:12,586
You know... we just might.

592
00:25:14,515 --> 00:25:16,515
She didn't tell us where she lives.

593
00:25:17,437 --> 00:25:18,501
Shit.

594
00:25:27,165 --> 00:25:29,399
Are you gonna get that thing taken out?

595
00:25:30,335 --> 00:25:32,102
Nah. I kinda like it.

596
00:25:32,127 --> 00:25:34,196
It's like my own little kickstand.

597
00:25:34,723 --> 00:25:35,822
How ya doin'?

598
00:25:35,925 --> 00:25:37,672
I-I'm serious. How are you doing?

599
00:25:37,697 --> 00:25:39,383
I'm all right. I'm just learning

600
00:25:39,408 --> 00:25:41,641
to love the dictator
I see in the mirror.

601
00:25:41,666 --> 00:25:43,047
Good for you.

602
00:25:45,252 --> 00:25:46,717
Hey. Uhh...

603
00:25:46,742 --> 00:25:49,454
Kim Jong-un says if we lift
sanctions on North Korea,

604
00:25:49,479 --> 00:25:51,118
he'll build Trump Tower Pyongyang.

605
00:25:51,230 --> 00:25:54,102
Should I tell him you're
taking time for yourself, or...?

606
00:25:54,127 --> 00:25:56,193
Hey, Kim Jong-un!

607
00:25:56,218 --> 00:25:59,119
I know your nation isn't
big on feeding people,

608
00:25:59,144 --> 00:26:02,102
but what do you think about
really nice restaurants?

609
00:26:03,340 --> 00:26:06,964
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪

610
00:26:06,989 --> 00:26:10,222
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪

611
00:26:10,678 --> 00:26:13,145
♪ Is Donald Trump the president? ♪

612
00:26:13,177 --> 00:26:14,552
♪ Yes, he is ♪

613
00:26:14,577 --> 00:26:17,544
♪ Yes, he is, we elected him president ♪

614
00:26:17,569 --> 00:26:20,248
♪ Is Donald Trump the president? ♪

615
00:26:20,361 --> 00:26:21,547
♪ Yes, he is ♪

616
00:26:21,572 --> 00:26:24,609
♪ We had a vote and
elected him president ♪

617
00:26:24,823 --> 00:26:29,986
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪

618
00:26:32,019 --> 00:26:33,596
♪ Donald Trump ♪

619
00:26:33,621 --> 00:26:36,370
♪ He is our president ♪

620
00:26:37,149 --> 00:26:39,815
♪ We made him president ♪

621
00:26:40,706 --> 00:26:42,752
♪ We did it ♪

622
00:26:42,777 --> 00:26:46,034
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪

623
00:26:46,784 --> 00:26:49,386
♪ We elected Donald Trump ♪

624
00:26:49,948 --> 00:26:53,056
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪

625
00:26:53,511 --> 00:26:56,972
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪

626
00:26:57,129 --> 00:27:00,614
♪ Yeah ♪

627
00:27:00,639 --> 00:27:01,639
Trump!

628
00:27:03,224 --> 00:27:05,348
Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie
www.addic7ed.com