- Synced and corrected by Firefly - - www.addic7ed.com -
_
I'm Chuck Todd, and Chris Matthews
has always been a gentleman to me.
The results of Super Tuesday are in,
and the Democrats have spoken.
They said, "We'll take the guy who was a big joke
three days ago, please".
Here's how Vice President Biden and Senator Sanders
addressed their supporters.
Folks! We did it, folks! That's what we've done!
We did it! We done did it!
This scrappy kid from Scranton beat all the odds
he repeatedly stacked against himself!
Thank you! Thank you!
Okay, so, we tried the fair-election thing.
Time for plan "B"...
Let's start pounding nails into baseball bats!
Holy crap! I didn't even campaign in half these states!
Always a good sign when the people who know you the least
like you the best.
Thanks to my fervent supporters
I cross the street to avoid.
Your enthusiasm continues to shock and annoy the nation.
I want to thank my fellow Democrats
for their endorsements... Amy Charizard, Major Pete,
and, all the way from Texas, Buca di Beppo!
Together, we mopped the floor with Mike Bloomberg!
Ohh! I put Bloomberg in the ground,
you ungrateful bastards!
Liz, I thought you were dropping out.
Now you're dropping in? What are we doin'?
Put me in your cabinet, Bernie!
I'll overachieve harder than anybody!
I took selfies with a million sweaty strangers for this!
I'm coronavirus patient zero, bitch!
Anyway, my campaign team says my best path forward
is shot the hell up, so I'm done talking policy!
Here's my new platform!
♪ Dun, dohn, deh, deh-deh, duh ♪
All right. Let's wrap this up!
Hey, I forgot to thank Mike Bloomberg for sucking big-time!
Thanks, Bloomberg, wherever you are!
Thank you, American Samoa, my only Super Tuesday win.
Okay, I think we're good here.
Hey, Bloomberg!
The DNC sent me here till November!
We're gonna be best friends!
This is still better
than me paying two percent more in taxes.
♪ Deh, deh-deh, duh ♪
What letter's this? Like, a weird "Q" or somethin'?
You promised results, Parscale.
But yet here we are, and the Democratic candidates
haven't mysteriously vanished from the public eye
like that Washington Post journalist!
We can take them down by pointing out
how some of them are women and how their gender's
different from a man's gender.
That was 2016! You promised us sexism 2.0, you son of a bitch!
Ugh! Amateurs!
Step aside and let a real psycho biddy
show you how to limbo under the legal line of slander.
- Good lord! - She's diabolical!
Wait. Who are you again?
I'm Lara Trump. Married to Eric.
She is nuts!
This is getting ridiculous!
Maybe I should just drop out.
What's wrong, honey? Is it that wistful
personal essay you read in The New Yorker three weeks ago?
"Elizabeth Warren Used Native American Ancestry
On Tenure Application At Comet Ping Pong"?
What's that headline from? The Whopper Gazette?
Honey? Is it?
Trump's campaign posted it on Facebook as a rumor,
and now it has 30,000 shares.
Oh, sweetie, it'll be fine.
The American people are far too discerning
to buy that sordid flimflam.
The American people are buying this sordid flimflam!
Let's spend the next eight weeks rolling around in this story
like pigs in a pen full of boom boom!
Lara Trump, what say you?!
Sean, these accusations lead to only one conclusion...
Elizabeth Warren's body is being inhabited
by the soul of Jeffrey Epstein.
That's the stuff!!
I can almost hear the brittle
elderly fingers clicking "Share".
Five thousand Kiss-Ass Points for Lara.
What have the rest of you done for me lately?
Reminder... the winning couple
won't have to carry my casket into the pyramid.
Cranberry Milfoyle and I got caught porking onstage
at a Young Republicans conference.
It was so hot that they begged us to stop.
That'll play well with evangelicals.
Five hundred points each.
- Ivanka? - Absolutely nothing!
Twelve thousand points for you, sweetie.
And what about you, Eric?
I pried off my permanent braces
to see what the wind felt like against my teeth.
Oof. I have to dock you a hundred points
for bringing up your janky-ass mouth.
Eric, you gotta shape up and become a real Trump
- like my daughter Lara. - _
Thank you all for meeting with me.
I know tensions are high right now.
Are you kidding? Mitch is the closest thing
we have to a friend.
Our relationship has never been healthier.
- They scratch my back... - And we scratch his.
Facebook has been legitimizing lies,
and I think it's time we regulate 'em!
- Chuck, close the blinds. - You got it, boss.
Facebook runs Washington, Lizzy.
They basically sign our checks.
I'm not even sure I still get a federal salary.
Plus, their algorithm perfectly amplifies our message
of "Trump is mean, whereas he should be nice".
Maybe somebody just needs to stand up to them!
There's a quaint saying in Washington,
and it goes like this... "Don't poke the butthole
of a company with half a trillion dollars".
Can I get you anything else, Mitch? Seltzer? Popchips?
Honey, can I stay up
to watch you be racist on Tucker?
You should join me on the air.
We could use the extra Kiss-Ass Points.
Don Jr.'s public porking has been killing us lately.
I'd love to, but I'm more of a behind-the-scenes mastermind.
By the way, have you seen the Rolex I use
to bust open shellfish?
Oh, Eric, my plump, white cannellini bean of a husband.
If you want to start climbing the family leaderboard,
you need to start kissing your dad's ass...
hard, fast, and publicly.
This is not where I thought Shellfish Sunday was going.
You okay? You've barely touched your just-for-fun W-4.
Just thinking about the fake news story again.
It's fine. People have already moved on to the new one
about Ruth Bader Ginsburg's debilitating 'roid rage.
All these lies, they remind me of school,
when people would spread nasty rumors
about me being a bookish, breathless nerd.
I can't stand to see you like this,
only bouncing through one pair of tennis shoes per day.
Just tell Zuckerberg, politely but firmly,
to knock off the monkey business.
You're right! I'm sure once I relate to him as a human being,
he'll ignore the lure of infinite wealth
and bulletproof political influence!
No one can resist your charm once you sit down
and painstakingly explain it to them.
I'm Tucker Carlson, and I look 25 in an unsympathetic way.
St. Patrick's Day is almost here, and joining me
to back my claim that if black people
had a similar holiday I'd also support it
is the MAGA Medusa herself, Lara Trump.
Thank you, Tuck. Of course, we'd all celebrate holiday
that encourages non-white people to binge drink
and take to the streets, yeah.
We're joined tonight by Sir Eric of Trump,
who is a public, co-equal member of the Trump family.
Sir Eric, want to say anything cool?
- My dad is like a boss. - Wow!
See ya later, alligator that can't hurt me
because it's just a figure of speech.
Wow! Dream Eric can tie a bandana!
Mr. Zuckerberg,
Amnesty International's asking about
our abetting a genocide in Myanmar.
Okay. How about this? We will install a
"mark yourself safe from ethnic cleansing" button.
And Elizabeth Warren is here to chide you.
Senator, you should have phoned ahead
or just mouthed your flight details
in front of your computer camera.
You still haven't banned fake news from Facebook,
even though I've asked you urgently and repeatedly,
like a librarian shooing out a pervert
touching his willy in the stacks!
Who am I to infringe on bad-faith grifters'
right to grift freely?
- But people are getting hurt. - Ms. Warren,
it is common knowledge that you can't make a website
where you see photos of your niece
without destroying society completely.
Sir,
your human lunch food is here.
Just ask him for a campaign job.
He gives one out to every dog-racing fanatic
with a store-bought hairline!
I don't know! He looks pretty busy...
"Dear Angela Merkel, it's your husband. I want a divorce".
Mr. President, um, Eric has something to ask you.
What is it, Eric? Daddy's working.
President Mr. Dad, I was just thinking that,
because I've been a good boy lately,
I could maybe be TV guy for your campaign. The end.
I dunno. You just don't have that Trump "It Factor"
that turns every swing-state Thanksgiving
into a murder-mystery party.
Not even if Lara helps me?
Sir, it is my solemn vow to not let him let you down too much.
Well, if Lara's cool, I'm cool.
You can join my campaign as TV guy,
and if you're really good at it,
I might even let you take my daughter
Lara's hand in marriage.
Sick! I'll get to marry a lady
who looks vaguely like every other lady in my family!
Goodbye, Bailey. Thanks for giving me
a vague sheen of domestic normalcy.
Ooh, you stop right there, Missy.
Sure, it's tempting to give up and condemn
Bailey to certain death, but you have to keep fighting.
I just can't beat Zuckerberg.
This is the one thing I don't have a
"loose set of ideas that I call a plan" for.
Spitting?! What are you, an adjunct professor?!
I'm just proverbially sick of it.
You're Elizabeth Warren! You made the big banks
take responsibility for the last recession
right before they started on a new one.
If anyone can scold a special interest
into making surface reforms without solving the root issue,
it's you.
Bruce! My sweet, smokin' angel, you're right!
I'm gonna take down Facebook
even if it's the last half-measure I do!
Tonight we're discussing the problems with globalism,
and when I say "globalism", I mean something else.
I'm joined by Lara and Eric Trump.
- Hi, Tucker. - Thanks for having us
and assuring me that the lav mic isn't a daddy long legs.
So, how is the President ending the scourge of the worldwide...
Soros-funded cabal?
- The President has repeatedly... - I'll take this one.
Oh, no. I don't know what to say. Come on, Eric.
Just get one word out,
and the rest of the dog whistles will follow.
Oh, no! I'm freaking out!
Lara, the global elite are opening borders...
... tearing down institutions...
and refusing to work on Saturdays.
We're working hard to put America first.
Lara! My lav mic moved!
Somebody punch me as hard as you can in the chest!
I know exactly what we need to take down Zuckerberg
- and his little dolly bangs! - Way ahead of you.
I can hand out protest flyers at Paper Source.
- No, no, look! - Hello, Facebook.
I'm grilling some meats,
having a great, normal time.
Wow. Seems like he's having a great normal time.
Look at this.
Brucie, those two freaks know each other!
Maybe the one brown-nosing android
will know how to take down the other brown-nosing android.
You're not suggesting we talk to Pete Buttigieg, are you?
Why, he fought in Afghanistan just so diner managers
would say, "No, sir, it's on me".
If you can find me someone else as self-satisfied, unblinking,
and newly unemployed, I'm all ears.
I got 'em all warmed up for ya.
Stick to the red meat... immigration, guns,
and how Anna Wintour's Christmas party this year
was super ill-attended.
How about this illegal immigration, huh?
A lot of illegal immigrants work for my dad.
Like my nanny Julia,
who taught me how to shave
and that my father sprinting away
was a form of affection.
Thank you, Eric.
PC culture...
... is making
transgender refugees...
... steal the jobs...
... that are being sent to China.
Mmm-mmm! Love that rage!
Mayor Pete, what's with the iguanas?
My only flaw of this election cycle
was not owning a high-profile pet.
Meet Christophe, my ticket to victory in 2024.
You and Mark Zuckerberg were sociopaths together at Harvard.
I need you to tell me how to beat him.
I can help, but I must ask for a quid pro quo.
Tell me about your deepest trauma.
Why are you asking that?
Pet ownership only makes you so relatable.
I need to know how normal humans think.
In high school, I was teased.
The other kids on the debate team
built an airtight case on ways in which I sucked,
and they called me "Lizzy the Loser".
Lizzy the Loser!
Lizzy the Loser! Lizzy the Loser!
And that made you feel good? Sad?
Again, I need help with this sort of stuff.
- Sad. - Very well.
Before Facebook, did you know Zuckerberg made a website
to rate people on their physical appearance?
You only create a website like that
if you're insecure about your own appearance.
Hey, can I steal that debate-team anecdote
for the talk-show circuit?
This freaking sucks!
First, Tucker Carlson punched me so hard, I yakked on air,
then I accidentally said immigrants are people.
How do you do it?
We're just different.
I'm a sexy, stone-cold libslayer,
and the FCC classified your face as an orifice.
How do I become more like you?
Marry me? Hmm!
I just think you have to be your own thing.
Let me get a look at you.
Hmm. Tissue-box shaped feet, butterknife ears, avian skull,
baby teeth and adult teeth all fighting it out for dominance.
Eric, you should be our campaign mascot!
And that concludes our look into an empty room.
We go now live to Senator Elizabeth Warren's
Special Committee on Facebook Disinformation.
Just relax and remember every subsection and bylaw
of the Facebook user agreement.
If you're in a jam, I wrote you this saucy little barb.
How do you pronounce "Bête comm..."
"Bête comme ses pieds". "As stupid as the feet".
It's hard to translate, but the right people will love it!
Remember, Mark... if you're not human,
you can't get in trouble.
Thank you to my colleagues who appeared here today
despite Facebook's influence in Washington.
Oh-oh, God!
People are gonna think I believe in something.
Mr. Zuckerberg,
does Facebook have a responsibility
to remove political advertisements featuring lies?
Yes, we have a responsibility
to uphold the freedom of speech.
Thank you.
Even if that speech contains lies?
Facebook users are perfectly capable
of deciding truth from fiction.
They are the most discerning people on Earth.
Just like this crowd.
Ugh!
You only create a website like that
if you're insecure about your own appearance.
Well, what if I took an ad out
saying that your face sucked big-time?!
Sucky Zucky!
And what if the ad mentioned
your little gerbil eyes and cheesecake complexion?
Caesar was actually murdered
because they found out he inspired your haircut.
What's it like knowing that not even billions of dollars
can give you human eyebrows?!
Saggy-assed freak
probably stuffed his boxers with Capri Sun Juice pouches
just to give his pants a tiny hint of kablow, biatch!
After Warren's takedown,
Facebook stock is plummeting as users realize
Zuckerberg is a nerd freak with a droopy ass.
Analysts say that his tenure as CEO is in jeopardy.
We did it, Brucie!
I'm DC's smackdown school marm.
I don't know, Liz. Ad hominem attacks?
What's next... argumentum ad absurdum?
Besides, I think his eyebrows look perfectly normal.
Relax, Bruce. We're winning.
Now slide that round little rump over
to my side of the Ethan Allen sectional.
Let's give a warm welcome
to your new Trump 2020 mascot...
Gummy!
Abolish the estate tax!
Hillary belongs in prison!
Make America Gummy Again!
Zooba zooba!
You see that thing? That's my daughter's boyfriend.
Zooba zooba!
Zooba zooba, Dad.
Now keep this energy going
for my wife who kind of scares me.
Lara Trump!
Americans now more than ever...
Bring Gummy back out!
- Bring back Gummy! - Bring back Gummy!
Uh... o-okay. Uh... Gummy!
We owe the Kurds nothing! Zooba zooba!
Gummy! Gummy! Gummy!
_
I'm Jake Tapper, and every Sunday night,
my family and I pretend it's my birthday.
We're joined tonight by the Beltway Bruiser herself,
- Elizabeth Warren. - What's up, freakazoid?
Senator, your brutish tactics on the subcommittee circuit
are getting their fair share of attention.
Listen up, dingle-dangle, you're cuter with your mouth closed.
- Heh. And that's a fact, Jack. - It's actually "Jake".
The target of your most merciless ribbing,
Mark Zuckerberg, just posted this video.
Hey, Facebook, it's your boy Sucky Zucky.
Someone stole my meats and took a huge crap in my smoker.
Thank you for watching. Comment and like.
- Chilling stuff. Any regrets? - None whatsoever.
In fact, the crap in his smoker was mine.
Gotta split and make Jamie Dimon mow my lawn with his teeth.
Someone's got a big head.
After the break, I'll rank every American citizen
from most to least patriotic.
Spoiler alert... I'm up there.
Eric, why are you up so early?
Aww, did you mix up AM and PM again, sweetie?
We talked about this, babe.
I'm opening for Imagine Dragons!
What did you do?!
I ate all of Brad Parscale's hair medicine
and slept in a vat of food coloring.
Don't you love it?
Limo's here!
Hey, are Penn and Teller a big deal?
After the show, they want to grab dinner
at some hole in the wall called Ruth's Chris.
Yeah. They're a huge deal.
But I thought we were gonna grab dinner.
Gotta go.
Oh, by the way, I used your grandmother's antique handtowels
to sop up the extra dye.
Might want to wash those a few dozen times. Mmmkay?
Long day at work.
I dunked on Pompeo for looking like a hard-boiled egg,
then he texted me a paragraph cosigned by his therapist.
Hey, hey, hey, Bruce!
I told you to wear your onion goggles when chopping onions!
You know I always wear the goggles.
It's you. You've become a bully.
- I'm not a bully. Phooey! - And now you're swearing?
- Who art thou? - You've gotten too soft.
I've seen your grade curves. They're generous.
Now you're saying things you can't take back.
Look. It's still me, Brucie. Now come over here.
Senator Warren is introducing a smooch to the floor.
Oh, zip it,
you campaign prop! Oh, dear.
If you need me, you know my posted office hours.
Uhh. I thought you'd be asleep by now.
I tried to bring leftovers from Ruth's Chris,
but Teller made them disappear.
I already ate.
You know what, Eric? You've changed.
What?! Where is this coming from?
I wanted you to have approval from your father,
but this is too much.
Just go back to being the hairless dunce
I somehow willingly married.
Underneath the fur and steak sauce, I'm still the same.
Come on. Let's go... What did we used to do together?
Play baseball or... ?
Eric, I'm staying at my mother's.
At least she understands the real me...
Lara Something-Something Trump!
I guess I'm just a bully for hire now,
completely devoid of a moral compass.
That's why we're offerin' ya a job.
We just have to have your twitchy brand
of take-no-prisoners justice in primetime.
You'll start as my legal analyst with your own segment
attacking the top five dipsticks of the day.
How do you feel about dying your hair
16 competing shades of blond?
Gummy, you're on in five. Hey. Zooba zooba.
Yeah. Zooba zooba. Thanks.
I'm Wolf Blitzer, and I really come to life
on a cruise-ship dance floor.
Newly separated Lara Trump
has been seen out with divorce hobbyist
and rapidly purpling former mayor Rudy Giuliani.
The pair were spotted exiting a romantic dinner
at Jackie Marinara's Venetian Clamhouse and Soggy Cigar Bar.
Well, we'll see where the night takes us,
but luckily I got a cousin who lives about six blocks away,
so either way, I'm going to bed sweaty.
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph Stalin! What happened to you, Elizabeth?
I had half a beer. Why are you here?
Trying to swipe one of the loaner jackets
for the next debate?
I'm organizing the line cooks
to start a lefty podcast.
They're going to be insufferable!
How do I fix this, Bernie? Everyone thinks I'm a bully.
Being tough on the billionaire class,
no matter how weak-chinned they are,
might make you feel like a bully,
but they're the real bullies.
Liz, it's called integrity, and it needs to be in your heart
just like I got three pig valves in mine.
But how do I get the American people to care about the truth?
Oof! That could be a slog.
If everyone's like those line cooks,
they are too exhausted from work to even acknowledge
a repeated tap on the shoulder and a thunderous throat clear.
That's right! People are exhausted!
Mind if I take home some of these tomatoes you didn't eat?
I carry a reusable to-go bag at all times.
Zooba zooba...
There you are.
Tilapia?! Why are you here?
I've got a Be Best event
with that strange longman Zuckerberg,
and I need Gummy to distract everyone
when I bang out after 40 seconds.
- Interested? - Nah.
I'm sort of having a personality crisis
- at the moment. - I know how you feel.
Your dad has a way of turning us all into dancing monsters.
But what can I do?
If I'm not Gummy, I'm the least popular Trump child.
If I am, Lara doesn't want to be with me.
Yah, that's kind of the sweet spot.
If you're too out there,
Donald notices you exist and tries talking to you.
Just do what I do... one event a year,
then it's back to cutting up Brillo pads to hide in his food.
You're right! I don't need to be
the most beloved entertainer of our time.
I just need the love of my scary wife.
Monopoly, get the clippers. We have work to do!
Why must most days end with me shaving a Trump?
Professor.
Am I, uh, too late for office hours?
I thought you dropped Professor Mann's class.
It's too late in the semester,
and I can't graduate without you.
I mean, your... your class.
I'm sure you can find a pass-fail seminar
that's not too late to add to your course load.
But I want your rigorous,
extremely unforgiving grading curve.
Oh, Elizabeth, you know how to tickle
the tweed elbow patches of my heart.
I don't actually have a generous grading curve, do I?
C'mon! The fight was over!
Why do you always have to do this?
Bullying is a scourge on America...
whether it's not asking before letting Jon Voight
use our shower, or changing the channel to Fox Business
while I'm trying to watch Fat Bitch Boot Camp in peace.
With me is a special boy
who has experienced bullying.
Mark, go ahead, sweetie.
I started Facebook to end the Iraq War...
don't look that up. And, sure, my website may have sparked
sectarian bloodshed in a dozen nations,
but no tech billionaires should have to go through
the torment of Elizabeth Warren
- nervously asking you to do better. - That's great.
My PR team says I have fulfilled my obligations.
And now a very special guest.
Ladies and gentlemen!
Gummy died!
Instead, please welcome
Errrrrriiiiiic!
- What?! - You promised Gummy!
Lara, baby! I'm so sorry!
Who are you talking to?
Lara? I thought Lara would be here.
She's usually hanging out
wherever a majority of my family is.
Hello?
- Eric, it's me! - It's Lara!
- Oh. Okay. - I'm sorry I acted like
a huge, dumb, entitled jerk.
I lost sight of who I am...
a rich failure with a smokin' wife
whose family prefers him out of sight.
Will you take me back?
Oh, Eric. Whatever it was that I saw in you,
and no one will ever figure it out, I see it again.
I'm on Judge Jeanine tonight calling for the outlaw
of dreadlocks if you want to watch.
Will do, babe!
I did it! I got her back!
Wait!
It's the bully!
I know... when you see Elizabeth Warren,
you see a big scary goon, but hear me out! Bruce?
Mayor Pete, when you see a news story,
how do you know it's not fake?
After I read the news... in Farsi I might add...
I usually spend hours cross-checking
with primary sources.
It takes while, but what else am I gonna do...
fix my city's rampant law-enforcement problems?
- Heh. Yeah, right. - See?
Everyday people don't have
the time or energy to verify facts!
They're not whatever Pete Buttigieg is.
Facebook's algorithm confuses reality so people
can't tell the difference between the New York Times
and Race War News Dot Albania!
Making people sort through all that flimflam
to find the truth is the worst bullying of all!
Facebook sucks! Facebook sucks!
Well, I gotta head home and clean
the fresh craps out of my smoker.
We're not done yet, Zuck.
You're gonna sign this non-binding pledge
saying that you will tweak internal policies.
I'm calling it the Accountable Facebook Agreement.
And, once again, it is non-binding!
Sign it! Sign it!
- I accept your terms. - Excelsior!
Now, Bruce, take this thing back to South Bend!
I think I'm really getting the hang
of this whole "regular guy" thing.
Well, Eric, you might not be a good campaign media surrogate,
but at least you're not
a campaign media surrogate anymore.
And I'm proud of you, sweetheart,
for giving up any sense of self-worth
because it put a little too much strain on our relationship.
I had my fun, but this family doesn't have room
for another megalomaniacal messiah.
You've earned my trust and, with it,
the right to marry my daughter Lara!
Welcome to the family, son.
You're the warm, emotionally available father
I never had!
Let's head out onto the patio
and crack open a box of Sudafed.
Ah, it's good to be out of that leather jacket
and back into my TJ Maxx librarian scrubs.
Brucie, from now on, I promise I'll only bully you
on Scrabble Tuesdays.
If a word's not a word, I'm gonna hear about it.
And worst part of all of it...
they called me "Lizzy the Loser".
See you in 2024, you freak bitch.
Trump!