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- Synced and corrected by Firefly -
- www.addic7ed.com -
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Welcome to tonight's Democratic debate
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- in Charleston, South Carolina.
- _
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Good evening. I'm Gayle King,
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and CBS needs me more than I need them.
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Thanks to my cohost, Norah O'Donnell,
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and the Democratic candidates.
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Tom Steyer, feel free to take a nap
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and I'll tap you on the
shoulder when we're done.
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You may all now attempt to
dick-punch a 78-year-old hippy.
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Oh, sure, pick on the underdog
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with a small lead in every state.
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Vladimir Putin wants Bernie
to win the nomination.
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Putin does not want me to
win. Very few people do.
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Bernie Sanders is bad, but
Michael Bloomberg is worse.
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I mean Bernie! But
then again, Bloomberg!
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Aw, dang it, I'm losing
everyone, aren't I?
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Yeah, yeah, Bernie bad.
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Hey, I'm still winning this state,
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so let's wrap this up
before I get confused
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and try to arm-wrestle
the Steadicam, huh?
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Okay, I think we're good here.
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For Norah, Gayle, Harry Reasoner,
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and all of us here at the
DuMont network, good night!
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We just started, Joe.
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Oh, wow! I can't wait to
find out what I'm gonna say!
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I've got no money, I'm
hemmorhaging the black vote,
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and I've got a letter
opener in my pocket
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whittled to a deadly point.
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Who wants to take a goddamn swing?!
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Let me be clear...
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the only authoritarian I
support is my wife, Jane,
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when she forces me to
eat leftovers for dinner
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when I was craving Fazoli's.
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I should probably get out of this race
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before people realize
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I'm a rounding error
away from Ted Kaczynski.
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Senator Warren's got me all wrong.
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I have released more women
from non-disclosure agreements
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than any candidate on this stage.
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Come on, Joe! South Carolina is a layup.
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Just take the ball, aim, and...
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actually, lemme just say one
quick thing about desegregation.
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Joe, no, don't do it!
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I have to, Joe!
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Candidates, please. One at a time.
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Exciting news, everyone.
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I'm still viable because
Mike Bloomberg and I
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are officially running mates.
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I didn't agree to that.
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Not! My! Problem!
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Vice President Biden,
put down Tom Steyer.
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Come on, man, gimme your 15%.
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Where'd you stash it? In your socks?
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And everyone else, please take
it easy on Senator Sanders.
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I defeated my own heart!
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I can defeat you bastards!
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And that's all the time we have.
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Remember these candidates' faces,
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because after Super Tuesday,
half of them will be mulched.
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Can I count on you, letter D,
for a small-dollar donation?
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Welcome back to Meet the
Press. I'm Chuck Todd,
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and I've never passed
someone walking a dog
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without getting tangled up in the leash.
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It's endorsement season,
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- and with Super Tuesday around the bend,
- _
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every Democratic nominee
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is vying for the biggest
endorsement of all.
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The endorsement whom of
course I am speaking of about
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is, of course, Barack Obama,
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the one Democrat so
beloved, his star power
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completely overshadows
his civilian kill ratio.
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Joining me now is
Obama's self-proclaimed
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"Caucasian brother
from another mother"...
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oh, I don't like saying that...
Vice President Joe Biden.
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Happy to be here, Chuck.
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You're so cute, you could
be one of them Gerber babies!
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Awww. Don't you think securing
the Obama endorsement
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could airlift the fallen tree
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pinning your screaming
campaign to the ground?
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I'm actually feeling good
about securing the black vote
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and the youth vote on my own.
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Remember, kids, Papa
Biden is on your side
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as long as you're willing to work hard
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and never receive anything in return!
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Whoa! You're not actively
seeking Obama's endorsement?
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Look, look. Barack Obama's my BFF!
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We are Washington's Olsen twins,
joined forever in eternity!
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When was the last time you two spoke?
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My birthday maybe? His birthday?
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I sent him this spooky thing
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that I had to send to 15 people
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or a ghost lady would come
out of my closet and stab me.
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Hey, when's your birthday, big guy?
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Lemme give you some birthday spankings!
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Uh, we'll be right back!
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It doesn't matter who
the lefty losers vote for
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on Super Tuesday.
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My internal poll numbers show
me winning in every state,
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especially the ones
where you have to drive
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50 miles to see another person.
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- What internal poll?
- Um, hello?!
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The internal poll that my
staff reads to me every morning
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after they've given
me my flattery enema.
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Can we see the polling data?
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Who do you think I am, a guy
who carries around papers?
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Alright. I gotta jet before
I accidentally mention
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the maxi pad under my belly paunch
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that's slowly becoming
saturated with my oils.
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It feels insane to say it,
but Chuck Todd is right.
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If you want to limp across
the primary finish line,
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you need Obama's endorsement
before Super Tuesday.
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Barack will endorse me on his own time.
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Until then, I won't violate
our unspoken friendship code,
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which says that we do not speak.
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We just don't want to let the
nomination slip away from you
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and into the hands of
some pro-health care,
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anti-dying-in-the-street radical.
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Imagine your life if you
don't get the nomination...
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no access to the hair,
shoulders, and necks
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of unsuspecting women!
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- I don't like that one bit!
- And you'll be so bored!
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I could lose my mental acuity!
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Welp, better head home
and walk my childhood dog.
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Mr. President, what
are you doing down here?
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Shouldn't you be up in bed,
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staring quietly at the
inside of your eyelids
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until it's time to eat again?
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I couldn't "sleep".
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I was thinking about the internal poll.
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You mean the really good one that says
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hey, now, you're an all-star,
get your game on, go play?
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Some big kids in the press corps
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were talking about
it like it isn't real.
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They're just trying to
rile you up, Mr. President.
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Of course, the magical poll
that says you're more popular
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than the straight boy
at drama camp is real.
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Phew! If I wasn't beating the Democrats,
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that would mean I'd lose re-election.
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If I knew I was gonna lose re-election,
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can you imagine how miserable
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I'd make the lives
of everyone around me?
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Not even the most
godforsaken soul on Earth
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would desire my staff's hellish fates.
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Luckily, according to you,
that would never happen.
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Uh-oh. It's almost sunrise.
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If you don't go to bed,
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your internal poll numbers might drop.
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- But, but, but...
- Ah! I hear them going down!
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I'm going! I'm going!
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Don't forget to brush your teeth
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- and wipe your ass!
- No!
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Hmm.
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- Ohh! Huh. Guess it has been a while.
- _
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"Hi, Barack. Can I get your endorsement?
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Hope you forwarded that ghost thing".
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I'm gonna run for president, huh?
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But don't worry. I'll treat your legacy
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with the same care I treat
this fine carpet under my feet.
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Ah, crap! I stepped in shit.
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Look, Joe, uh, you don't
have to run for president.
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Maybe you should do something else
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like fly-fishing or meat-curing...
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try out for a men's volleyball team...
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Aw, geez, folks, forget it!
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Great! Now I gotta sweet-talk
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an old lady into giving me her phone!
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I told Trump I had two hours to live,
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and he still wouldn't shut up
about the internal poll.
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He needs to know the truth, Conway!
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Relax! He'll forget about
it as soon as he hears
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we're having stuffed-crust
crusty-stuff for lunch.
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- No, he won't!
- Tell him!
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Tell me what? The
internal poll kissed me
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gently on the forehead as I slumbered?
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About that... I want
you to hear it from me
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because I'm a straight shooter.
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Okay, okay. Shut up, you pieces of shit!
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The thing about the poll is that
it isn't actually real.
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It's just something we tell presidents
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to bring joy to their faces.
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So you lied?!
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But it has to be real!
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If it's not real, that means I
could lose re-election!
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And it means that I'm
taking all you rat bastards
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down with me!
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Um... uh... Uh, got ya, Mr. President!
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Of course, the poll is real!
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It was just a Super Tuesday prank.
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- Just a prank? Really?
- Yes, a prank!
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Just as God so loved the world
that he pranked his only son.
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I knew it was a prank!
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Now tell me everything about the poll!
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Does the poll sleep in a matchbox
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with a button as a pillow?
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Is the poll always watching me
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even when I spend six
hours a day in the can?
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I couldn't ask him, folks.
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I guess I'll just have to win
this whole thing on my own.
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What do you think of this slogan...
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"You're Only As Young As You Feel!"
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with a photo of me and a Dallas
Cowboy cheerleader on my lap.
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We thought you might wussy out.
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Okay, fine. Two cheerleaders.
My legs can take it.
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That's why we brought
in some fellow centrists
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who still believe in your mission
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of impassioned indifference.
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You're the only one
who can change things
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to the way they are.
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The only one who can
champion the belief system
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that skyrocketed me to
an historical footnote.
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O Biden, my president.
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00:08:35,015 --> 00:08:36,693
O Biden, my president.
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O Biden, my president!
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So what do ya say, Joe?
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Will you be the torchbearer
of the status quo?
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I'm touched! I gotta win back
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my best friend, Barack Hassan Obama!
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Hey! I saw your little one,
Sabra, at the mall last week.
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Man, that girl sure knows how to tell me
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she's not your daughter and
that I've made a huge mistake.
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Anyways, I'm running for president.
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Uh, yes, uh, I got your e-mail,
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and I've been meaning to donate.
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00:09:04,384 --> 00:09:07,103
No, I get it. You're a
busy Hollywood hotshot now.
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I bet you know all
the Impractical Jokers.
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00:09:09,586 --> 00:09:12,265
But, hey, there's something
I need to ask you.
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Uh, look, Joe, I'm not
going to endorse anybody
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ahead of the convention, so
if that's why we're here...
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What? No. No, no, of course not!
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I just wanted to ask, uh, if
you remember when we first met
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back on the Senate Foreign
Relations Committee.
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You were eating a ham
sandwich, and I yelled,
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"New guy's eatin' a ham
sandwich! Everybody, look!"
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Uh, yes, that was quite
loud and embarrassing for me.
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Oh, okay.
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Uh, well, I need to get home and prepare
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for an important Obama
Foundation fundraiser.
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00:09:38,715 --> 00:09:40,674
Richard Branson is
auctioning off a jetpack.
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Uh, Waiter! Can I get
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my unsweetened dessert almonds to go?
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00:09:45,717 --> 00:09:48,781
And that's the story
of the internal poll.
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00:09:48,783 --> 00:09:51,637
- Okay. We good?
- Aww. Tell me once more.
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I'm actually gonna listen this time.
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00:09:53,600 --> 00:09:54,998
Ugh. Christ. Okay.
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It was the March before Election Day,
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00:09:57,602 --> 00:10:00,800
and all through the White House,
everyone was dreaming up ways
248
00:10:00,802 --> 00:10:03,483
to hide polling places
from black people.
249
00:10:03,485 --> 00:10:07,027
Then everyone popped a downer
and passed out at their desks,
250
00:10:07,029 --> 00:10:10,519
as visions of empty
immigration processing centers
251
00:10:10,521 --> 00:10:12,044
danced in their heads.
252
00:10:12,046 --> 00:10:13,885
When all of a sudden,
253
00:10:13,887 --> 00:10:17,446
a big magic, uh, internal poll
254
00:10:17,448 --> 00:10:19,446
landed on the roof.
255
00:10:19,448 --> 00:10:21,687
The internal poll was named Pollie,
256
00:10:21,689 --> 00:10:23,488
and it was full of polling data
257
00:10:23,490 --> 00:10:26,329
that said things like,
"2020 is in the bag!"
258
00:10:26,331 --> 00:10:29,129
and "The Jews will not replace us!"
259
00:10:29,131 --> 00:10:31,433
Pollie shimmied off the roof
260
00:10:31,435 --> 00:10:35,411
with the spirit of 63
million screaming lunatics
261
00:10:35,413 --> 00:10:37,732
and landed in the Oval Office...
262
00:10:37,734 --> 00:10:41,299
... where it shared all
its polling data with me.
263
00:10:41,301 --> 00:10:43,294
Well, what happened next, Mrs. Conway?
264
00:10:43,296 --> 00:10:46,615
Uhh, Pollie went
back to heaven. The end.
265
00:10:48,338 --> 00:10:50,296
Wow! What a great story!
266
00:10:50,298 --> 00:10:52,617
Guess there's only one
thing left to do now...
267
00:10:52,619 --> 00:10:55,538
Stay up all night and wait for Pollie!
268
00:10:55,540 --> 00:10:58,619
- Wait. What?
- So I can see it for myself.
269
00:10:58,621 --> 00:11:00,392
That cool? I'm kidding.
270
00:11:00,394 --> 00:11:03,776
I would never ask anyone's
permission to do anything.
271
00:11:05,041 --> 00:11:07,103
Aw, geez! I biffed it!
272
00:11:07,105 --> 00:11:09,222
My charm only works on middle-aged women
273
00:11:09,224 --> 00:11:12,423
whose faces I take in both hands
as I ask them how many hearts
274
00:11:12,425 --> 00:11:14,704
they broke on the bus ride
in from Corpus Christi.
275
00:11:14,706 --> 00:11:16,825
Give it another shot. When
can you see Obama again?
276
00:11:16,827 --> 00:11:18,705
He's got a foundation thing tomorrow,
277
00:11:18,707 --> 00:11:21,397
but he'll probably be surrounded
by all his fancy friends
278
00:11:21,399 --> 00:11:24,187
like Richard Branson and
the guys who invented movies!
279
00:11:24,189 --> 00:11:26,228
I'll probably just embarrass myself
280
00:11:26,230 --> 00:11:28,188
and tarnish his legacy forever!
281
00:11:28,190 --> 00:11:29,509
Aw, geez! I biffed it!
282
00:11:29,511 --> 00:11:31,309
We'll help you un-biff it!
283
00:11:31,311 --> 00:11:33,110
Let's make him gaffe-proof.
284
00:11:35,713 --> 00:11:37,592
Pretend these are
Barack's hip new friends.
285
00:11:37,594 --> 00:11:39,032
How would you talk to them?
286
00:11:39,034 --> 00:11:40,432
Hey, man, stop being a tease
287
00:11:40,434 --> 00:11:42,794
and let us see that gaping eye hole!
288
00:11:42,796 --> 00:11:46,018
Hi. I bet each of your husbands
have a crush on the both of you.
289
00:11:46,020 --> 00:11:48,762
God damn it! You know we
need to raise the minimum wage
290
00:11:48,764 --> 00:11:50,316
when single moms are forced to wear
291
00:11:50,318 --> 00:11:51,872
their dead husband's clothes!
292
00:11:51,874 --> 00:11:53,397
- Jesus, Joe!
- What the hell's the matter with you?!
293
00:11:53,399 --> 00:11:54,757
Well, what am I supposed to say?
294
00:11:54,759 --> 00:11:56,318
Talk about the weather! The Yankees!
295
00:11:56,320 --> 00:11:58,598
How Giuliani is a good
guy if you get to know him!
296
00:11:58,600 --> 00:12:02,039
Banana-flavored candy!
Anything! Who gives a shit?!
297
00:12:04,402 --> 00:12:06,681
Hey, Richard Branson.
You like the weather?
298
00:12:06,683 --> 00:12:08,281
How's about a banana candy?
299
00:12:08,283 --> 00:12:10,042
Not awful!
300
00:12:13,245 --> 00:12:15,924
I left out all of the internal
poll's favorite things to eat.
301
00:12:15,926 --> 00:12:17,845
Thank God they were all in your purse...
302
00:12:17,847 --> 00:12:20,085
Max Blast Mascara in Midnight Black,
303
00:12:20,087 --> 00:12:22,526
a disgusting scrunchie,
and the patent paperwork
304
00:12:22,528 --> 00:12:25,327
for a budget wine called
SlurryGal Cabernet.
305
00:12:25,329 --> 00:12:27,328
Oh, good God. I'm never lying again.
306
00:12:27,330 --> 00:12:30,413
I'll just camp out at my desk
all night until Pollie shows up.
307
00:12:30,415 --> 00:12:33,410
Can you sing me my favorite
internal poll song again?
308
00:12:33,412 --> 00:12:37,770
Um... ♪ We three
polls of internal polls ♪
309
00:12:37,772 --> 00:12:41,274
♪ Telling me that I'm cool and not old ♪
310
00:12:41,276 --> 00:12:44,813
♪ Beating the Dems, doing the thing ♪
311
00:12:44,815 --> 00:12:49,015
♪ It's true that the poll is real ♪
312
00:12:50,737 --> 00:12:53,616
It never showed.
313
00:12:55,259 --> 00:12:57,297
Now, when I used Facebook to win in '08,
314
00:12:57,299 --> 00:12:59,418
it was still good. But now? Bad.
315
00:12:59,420 --> 00:13:01,419
- Barack, c'mon!
- You. This guy. Hilarious.
316
00:13:01,421 --> 00:13:03,044
I'm kidding. Technology is the future.
317
00:13:03,046 --> 00:13:05,108
I keep getting logged off my Facebook!
318
00:13:05,110 --> 00:13:07,380
When I try to log back
in, I have to identify
319
00:13:07,382 --> 00:13:09,181
which pictures have cars in 'em,
320
00:13:09,183 --> 00:13:11,342
but dang it if they don't
all look like cars to me!
321
00:13:11,344 --> 00:13:12,582
Joe! What are you doing here?
322
00:13:12,584 --> 00:13:14,315
Just wanted to support your cause.
323
00:13:14,317 --> 00:13:17,259
Now, how about this weather?
It's raining cats and dogs!
324
00:13:17,261 --> 00:13:18,984
- Oooooooo!
- That's some snappy chit-chat.
325
00:13:18,986 --> 00:13:20,825
Uh, yes, that is an
appropriate thing to say.
326
00:13:20,827 --> 00:13:23,186
Hey, did you know they eat
cats and dogs in China?!
327
00:13:23,188 --> 00:13:26,507
It's messed, but that's their culture!
328
00:13:26,509 --> 00:13:28,165
There you go. Best seat in the house.
329
00:13:28,167 --> 00:13:30,402
But all your other friends
are seated up front!
330
00:13:30,404 --> 00:13:32,829
I can't tell the deejay
to play rock-and-roll songs
331
00:13:32,831 --> 00:13:34,153
from way back here!
332
00:13:34,155 --> 00:13:36,074
Oh, and if anyone asks,
please refer to me
333
00:13:36,076 --> 00:13:37,617
as your former coworker, okay?
334
00:13:37,619 --> 00:13:38,921
Cool? Got it? Thanks.
335
00:13:38,923 --> 00:13:40,631
I'm biffin' it! Damn it!
336
00:13:42,114 --> 00:13:43,592
Pollie never showed up
337
00:13:43,594 --> 00:13:46,212
because you weren't
looking in the right place!
338
00:13:46,214 --> 00:13:49,994
Okay, I am a grown man, and the
President of the United States.
339
00:13:49,996 --> 00:13:51,595
I will not be made a fool of!
340
00:13:51,597 --> 00:13:54,636
Pollie's footsteps!
Over there in the dirt!
341
00:13:54,638 --> 00:13:57,237
Where?! Where?! Where?! Oh,
my God! I'm peeing! I'm peeing!
342
00:13:57,239 --> 00:13:59,997
See, Mr. President? Pollie was here!
343
00:13:59,999 --> 00:14:03,118
Thank God! I was starting
to get embarrassed for you.
344
00:14:03,120 --> 00:14:06,065
Remember, Mitch... two
Supreme Court justices.
345
00:14:06,067 --> 00:14:07,388
Remember, you have to
346
00:14:07,390 --> 00:14:09,691
keep Pollie secret,
because if you don't...
347
00:14:09,693 --> 00:14:11,803
I know, I know. I'll turn into jelly.
348
00:14:11,805 --> 00:14:14,322
Don't worry! I would
never do that to Pollie.
349
00:14:14,324 --> 00:14:17,683
I have a little crush on Pollie.
350
00:14:17,685 --> 00:14:21,577
Alright! Stupid mission accomplished!
351
00:14:23,007 --> 00:14:25,846
Uh, you must be from the
Nevada Chamber of Commerce?
352
00:14:25,848 --> 00:14:29,327
Well, I just wanted to discuss
the aim of the Obama Foundation,
353
00:14:29,329 --> 00:14:32,183
uh, which is, uh, you know,
to turn the youth of today,
354
00:14:32,185 --> 00:14:35,047
uh, into the citizens
of the world tomorrow.
355
00:14:35,049 --> 00:14:36,470
- What?
- L-Let me start over.
356
00:14:36,472 --> 00:14:38,854
I think I could have used
some more precise adverbs.
357
00:14:38,856 --> 00:14:40,910
Aw, geez! Barack's biffin' it!
358
00:14:40,912 --> 00:14:43,892
Uh, so, in "Settlers of Catan",
each player has a resource...
359
00:14:43,894 --> 00:14:45,490
brick, wool, grain.
360
00:14:45,492 --> 00:14:48,490
Hey, Buster! Nice hat! You
hold up a rodeo this morning?
361
00:14:48,492 --> 00:14:51,534
Very funny, young man!
362
00:14:51,536 --> 00:14:53,735
What my buddy Barack's trying to say is
363
00:14:53,737 --> 00:14:55,655
shell out, and you'll make a buncha kids
364
00:14:55,657 --> 00:14:57,856
happier than the first
time they saw Wonder Woman
365
00:14:57,858 --> 00:14:59,595
snap her big ol' whip!
366
00:14:59,597 --> 00:15:02,209
Ha! Now, this guy I understand,
because he looks like me
367
00:15:02,211 --> 00:15:03,738
and says things I might say.
368
00:15:03,740 --> 00:15:06,899
I'd like to write you
a check for $40,000.
369
00:15:10,142 --> 00:15:11,804
Listen, Maggie Haberman.
370
00:15:11,806 --> 00:15:14,301
My internal poll shows me
beating Biden and Warren
371
00:15:14,303 --> 00:15:16,745
by double-digit margins
in every swing state.
372
00:15:16,747 --> 00:15:18,303
We'll get that on NewYorkTimes.com
373
00:15:18,305 --> 00:15:20,846
- as soon as we can.
- Great. And get this...
374
00:15:20,848 --> 00:15:22,905
My internal poll... Sorry. Pollie...
375
00:15:22,906 --> 00:15:25,105
ate all the mascara I left out
376
00:15:25,107 --> 00:15:27,786
and half the disgusting scrunchie.
377
00:15:27,788 --> 00:15:29,226
Maggie? You there?
378
00:15:29,228 --> 00:15:31,347
Oh, I'm here. Just... taking notes.
379
00:15:31,349 --> 00:15:34,231
Don't! Kellyanne said we have to
keep Pollie's existence secret,
380
00:15:34,233 --> 00:15:36,735
or its magic will disappear
and I'll turn into jelly.
381
00:15:36,737 --> 00:15:38,542
- Do I have your word?
- Yes, Mr. President.
382
00:15:38,544 --> 00:15:40,716
Good! Now, which one
of my Rust Belt racists
383
00:15:40,718 --> 00:15:43,340
is getting a sympathetic
profile in Sunday's magazine?
384
00:15:44,925 --> 00:15:46,781
I forgot what a great schmoozer you are
385
00:15:46,783 --> 00:15:49,451
when it comes to a particularly
pigmented type of everyman.
386
00:15:49,453 --> 00:15:52,154
- I got a way with whites!
- Uh, so, uh...
387
00:15:52,156 --> 00:15:54,194
no one bid on Branson's jetpack
388
00:15:54,196 --> 00:15:55,985
after they found out he wore it nude.
389
00:15:55,987 --> 00:15:58,916
- You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?
- Hell yeah!
390
00:16:01,239 --> 00:16:04,238
Whoo! I feel like a drone!
391
00:16:04,240 --> 00:16:07,246
Yup! And you just violated my airspace!
392
00:16:07,248 --> 00:16:09,199
Aw! Crap!
393
00:16:12,642 --> 00:16:14,835
Aw, geez! That was fun!
394
00:16:14,837 --> 00:16:17,059
I got old pennies in every crevice!
395
00:16:17,061 --> 00:16:19,838
I've enjoyed spending
one-on-one time with you tonight.
396
00:16:19,840 --> 00:16:22,003
Usually, I'm more of
a one-on-50,000 type.
397
00:16:22,005 --> 00:16:23,452
We're opposites, huh?
398
00:16:23,454 --> 00:16:25,601
You're a locked diary
full of smart crap,
399
00:16:25,603 --> 00:16:28,525
and I'm an open book that's the
same length as the yellow pages
400
00:16:28,527 --> 00:16:30,846
and makes just as much narrative sense.
401
00:16:30,848 --> 00:16:33,140
Hmm. Maybe a candidate like you
402
00:16:33,142 --> 00:16:35,942
is just what this quirky,
mixed-up, ungrateful,
403
00:16:35,944 --> 00:16:37,501
backwards country needs.
404
00:16:37,503 --> 00:16:40,527
- Joe, I want to endorse you for...
- Best friend?
405
00:16:40,529 --> 00:16:42,130
... President of the United States!
406
00:16:42,132 --> 00:16:44,250
Aw, shit. I-I mean, thanks.
407
00:16:44,252 --> 00:16:46,131
Yeah, that... that's what I wanted.
408
00:16:46,133 --> 00:16:48,417
Now that that's settled, I
should get back to Michelle.
409
00:16:48,419 --> 00:16:50,813
She's been holding plank
position since I left her.
410
00:16:53,015 --> 00:16:54,534
I'll be home in 20.
411
00:16:54,536 --> 00:16:56,414
Just keep your core
rock-solid until then.
412
00:16:56,416 --> 00:16:58,151
Hey, what if we kept hanging out?
413
00:16:58,153 --> 00:17:00,630
I know a place that
does indoor skydiving!
414
00:17:00,632 --> 00:17:03,191
My cousin Ron-Jon said
if you do it right,
415
00:17:03,193 --> 00:17:04,591
you can spit in your own face.
416
00:17:04,593 --> 00:17:06,524
Joe, you got my endorsement.
417
00:17:06,526 --> 00:17:08,192
Can I at least get a ride?
418
00:17:08,194 --> 00:17:09,873
We could stick our heads out the winda!
419
00:17:09,875 --> 00:17:11,313
You have your own car right there.
420
00:17:11,315 --> 00:17:13,994
Aw, come on! Yours is warmer!
421
00:17:17,077 --> 00:17:19,996
♪ For she's a jolly good liar ♪
422
00:17:19,998 --> 00:17:22,837
♪ Which nobody can deny! ♪
423
00:17:22,839 --> 00:17:25,398
This one almost killed
me, but I pulled it off.
424
00:17:25,400 --> 00:17:28,239
Let's pop the top on
a bottle of SlurryGal!
425
00:17:28,241 --> 00:17:29,999
- The master at work!
- Oh, you are good!
426
00:17:30,001 --> 00:17:32,000
Kellyanne! What the hell
427
00:17:32,002 --> 00:17:34,401
is Anderson Cooper talking about?!
428
00:17:34,403 --> 00:17:37,442
Ugh! Drink it without me.
That stuff doesn't keep.
429
00:17:37,444 --> 00:17:39,682
- As if things couldn't get
- _
430
00:17:39,684 --> 00:17:41,717
any more embarrassing for the President,
431
00:17:41,719 --> 00:17:42,746
who recently tweeted at
432
00:17:42,748 --> 00:17:44,427
deceased dictator Augusto Pinochet
433
00:17:44,429 --> 00:17:46,218
wishing him a "blessed Thanksgiving",
434
00:17:46,220 --> 00:17:48,022
the Times is reporting
that President Trump
435
00:17:48,024 --> 00:17:50,126
believes in fairy tales and magic.
436
00:17:50,128 --> 00:17:52,863
I'm the laughingstock of
the make-believe community!
437
00:17:52,865 --> 00:17:54,527
This is further proof that the President
438
00:17:54,529 --> 00:17:56,939
is a big dumb baby who
believes in the Tooth Fairy
439
00:17:56,941 --> 00:17:58,562
and wee-wees his wittle diaper.
440
00:17:58,564 --> 00:17:59,986
My diaper is not wittle!
441
00:17:59,988 --> 00:18:01,970
Trust me... there are no complaints.
442
00:18:01,972 --> 00:18:03,804
Right, Kellyanne? Big diaper?
443
00:18:03,806 --> 00:18:05,411
What did Pollie say about my diaper?
444
00:18:05,413 --> 00:18:07,145
- Aaaaaah!
- Kellyanne? Pollie loves me.
445
00:18:07,147 --> 00:18:08,215
- Right?
- Enough!
446
00:18:08,217 --> 00:18:12,191
There is no internal
poll! There is no Pollie!
447
00:18:12,193 --> 00:18:14,855
Get it through your big fat baby brain!
448
00:18:14,857 --> 00:18:17,662
You lied to me! How could you?
449
00:18:17,664 --> 00:18:19,535
- Job security?
- That's it...
450
00:18:19,537 --> 00:18:21,696
I'm running away to the
wrong side of the tracks,
451
00:18:21,698 --> 00:18:23,496
but I don't want to leave this room,
452
00:18:23,498 --> 00:18:25,555
so this is now the
wrong side of the tracks.
453
00:18:25,557 --> 00:18:27,778
Do not come looking for me!
454
00:18:29,500 --> 00:18:31,539
Alright. It's Barack! Very cool.
455
00:18:31,541 --> 00:18:33,303
Welcome back to Netflix.
Whaddaya got for us?
456
00:18:33,305 --> 00:18:35,152
It's called Separated at Bark.
457
00:18:35,154 --> 00:18:36,976
It's me, a litter of Goldendoodles,
458
00:18:36,978 --> 00:18:39,021
and some questions about
nature versus nurture.
459
00:18:39,023 --> 00:18:40,225
Hey, I got a pitch!
460
00:18:40,227 --> 00:18:42,632
- It's called Betrayal!
- Ooh, great title.
461
00:18:42,634 --> 00:18:45,504
It's about a guy who thought
he and another guy were friends.
462
00:18:45,506 --> 00:18:47,504
But then the second guy
didn't want to hang out
463
00:18:47,506 --> 00:18:49,158
with the first guy anymore!
464
00:18:49,160 --> 00:18:51,439
But the second guy gave the
first guy what he wanted,
465
00:18:51,441 --> 00:18:54,039
even though the first guy
spent the last decade
466
00:18:54,041 --> 00:18:56,343
reveling in the collective
goodwill of the second guy.
467
00:18:56,345 --> 00:18:58,554
These guys are... also Goldendoodles?
468
00:18:58,556 --> 00:19:00,321
They're president and vice president.
469
00:19:00,323 --> 00:19:02,082
Let's get Robert Duvall
for the president!
470
00:19:02,084 --> 00:19:04,283
Ooh! And let's have him
play the vice president, too!
471
00:19:04,285 --> 00:19:05,643
Like an Eddie Murphy-type thing!
472
00:19:05,645 --> 00:19:08,244
- You mean Mike Myers?
- Eddie did it first!
473
00:19:10,087 --> 00:19:12,788
This is fun, right?!
It's like you're a drone!
474
00:19:12,790 --> 00:19:15,126
Are you working through
something, Mr. Vice President?
475
00:19:15,128 --> 00:19:17,321
Speaking of, could I maybe
be your vice president?
476
00:19:17,323 --> 00:19:19,247
Airspace violation!
477
00:19:19,249 --> 00:19:22,048
Now you drone me! It's fun! See?!
478
00:19:22,050 --> 00:19:25,009
My idea of fun is lifting
up the American people.
479
00:19:25,011 --> 00:19:27,890
That no matter our differences,
we are all one nation...
480
00:19:27,892 --> 00:19:30,411
Geez, folks! This guy sucks!
481
00:19:36,055 --> 00:19:38,934
♪ No more shared ice creams ♪
482
00:19:38,936 --> 00:19:41,815
♪ With Barack Hassan ♪
483
00:19:41,817 --> 00:19:44,696
♪ The magic of friendship ♪
484
00:19:44,698 --> 00:19:47,897
♪ Is gone ♪
485
00:19:47,899 --> 00:19:49,765
♪ My hundred and four percent ♪
486
00:19:49,767 --> 00:19:51,058
♪ Approval ratings ♪
487
00:19:51,060 --> 00:19:53,739
♪ Were second to none ♪
488
00:19:53,741 --> 00:19:56,499
♪ But the magic of Pollie ♪
489
00:19:56,501 --> 00:19:58,500
♪ Is gone ♪
490
00:19:59,703 --> 00:20:01,501
♪ Friendship ♪
491
00:20:01,503 --> 00:20:02,862
♪ Pollie ♪
492
00:20:02,864 --> 00:20:05,863
♪ The magic is ♪
493
00:20:05,865 --> 00:20:09,624
♪ Gone ♪
494
00:20:09,626 --> 00:20:11,824
Ugh. Barack. Couch.
495
00:20:11,826 --> 00:20:13,545
TV. Room.
496
00:20:13,547 --> 00:20:17,066
C'mon! Let's go show Barack
that I don't need him anymore!
497
00:20:18,669 --> 00:20:21,005
Hey! Oh, hey, Michelle. Is Barack home?
498
00:20:21,007 --> 00:20:22,938
I wanted to show him my new best friend,
499
00:20:22,940 --> 00:20:24,028
Beto something-or-other.
500
00:20:24,030 --> 00:20:26,269
I'll see if I can pry him off the couch.
501
00:20:26,271 --> 00:20:28,623
He's on hour six of The
Great British Baking Show.
502
00:20:28,625 --> 00:20:29,670
Chocolate ganache?
503
00:20:29,672 --> 00:20:31,311
In this heat? You gotta be kiddin' me.
504
00:20:31,313 --> 00:20:33,232
Who's he watching with? Richard Branson?
505
00:20:33,234 --> 00:20:35,232
Richard's just a vacation friend.
506
00:20:35,234 --> 00:20:37,502
Barack really doesn't have
any other friends besides me.
507
00:20:37,504 --> 00:20:39,033
I almost wish he'd start smoking again
508
00:20:39,035 --> 00:20:41,234
so he could hang out with one
of the neighbors on the sidewalk.
509
00:20:41,236 --> 00:20:42,874
Michelle! Who's at the door?!
510
00:20:42,876 --> 00:20:45,075
- Is that my tom yum soup?!
- Do you want to come in?
511
00:20:45,077 --> 00:20:46,556
Please! I have so much to learn.
512
00:20:46,558 --> 00:20:48,036
Nah. That's okay.
513
00:20:48,038 --> 00:20:50,237
Aw, geez. Poor Barack Obama.
514
00:20:50,239 --> 00:20:52,493
No friends, eating made-up fantasy soup.
515
00:20:52,495 --> 00:20:54,241
Uh, we should go. Come on, Beto.
516
00:20:54,243 --> 00:20:55,678
I'll drop you off at the skatepark
517
00:20:55,680 --> 00:20:57,559
with the rest of the
middle-school teachers.
518
00:20:59,242 --> 00:21:02,475
So you guys know, like, the
internal poll isn't real?
519
00:21:02,477 --> 00:21:04,121
It's something a bunch of boomers
520
00:21:04,123 --> 00:21:06,602
made up to conform us or whatever.
521
00:21:06,604 --> 00:21:08,180
But why would Mrs. Conway
522
00:21:08,182 --> 00:21:09,763
lie to you like that?!
523
00:21:09,765 --> 00:21:11,524
That is so messed up!
524
00:21:11,526 --> 00:21:14,965
If this poll isn't real, then
what else isn't real?!
525
00:21:14,967 --> 00:21:17,526
I know.
526
00:21:17,528 --> 00:21:20,006
It's making me question a
lot of things lately.
527
00:21:20,008 --> 00:21:22,247
I mean, what even is an approval rating?
528
00:21:22,249 --> 00:21:24,728
Maybe the immigrants are the good guys.
529
00:21:24,730 --> 00:21:26,529
Dad, you're scaring me!
530
00:21:26,531 --> 00:21:28,049
Mr. President!
531
00:21:28,051 --> 00:21:30,970
I'm sorry! Or whatever people say!
532
00:21:30,972 --> 00:21:33,531
Go away! I'm talking to my friends!
533
00:21:33,533 --> 00:21:35,331
I'm probably not even gonna celebrate
534
00:21:35,333 --> 00:21:37,012
Election Day this year.
535
00:21:39,815 --> 00:21:44,334
♪ The magic is gone ♪
536
00:21:44,336 --> 00:21:46,415
What kind of White House advisor
537
00:21:46,417 --> 00:21:48,776
can't convince a speed
freak with holes in his brain
538
00:21:48,778 --> 00:21:51,817
that an anthropomorphic
internal poll exists?
539
00:21:54,620 --> 00:21:56,978
Idea!
540
00:21:59,941 --> 00:22:01,335
"Dear Mr. President,
541
00:22:01,337 --> 00:22:04,301
I just got to hold my
newborn son in my arms,
542
00:22:04,303 --> 00:22:06,221
and that experience was dogshit
543
00:22:06,223 --> 00:22:08,542
compared to the experience
of voting for you.
544
00:22:08,544 --> 00:22:10,461
Love always, Blaise Furtasch.
545
00:22:10,463 --> 00:22:12,823
Age... I don't know... 62".
546
00:22:12,825 --> 00:22:14,664
"No quid pro quo!"
547
00:22:14,666 --> 00:22:16,225
"I actually really
like that you harassed
548
00:22:16,227 --> 00:22:17,745
all 25 of those women".
549
00:22:17,747 --> 00:22:20,066
"Wow! You're so tall!"
550
00:22:20,068 --> 00:22:21,563
"I love the way your shirt tails
551
00:22:21,565 --> 00:22:23,427
stick out of the bottom of your pants".
552
00:22:23,429 --> 00:22:27,108
"I'm not afraid to be racist
to my coworkers anymore".
553
00:22:33,432 --> 00:22:36,031
The President... total exoneration...
554
00:22:36,033 --> 00:22:38,272
could beat any baby at basketball.
555
00:22:42,035 --> 00:22:43,913
- It's me, Cuomo Prime Time!
- _
556
00:22:43,915 --> 00:22:46,273
Joe Biden and his guy Barack
are on a one-way rocket ride
557
00:22:46,275 --> 00:22:47,835
to Toiletsville. See for yourself.
558
00:22:47,837 --> 00:22:49,435
- Mr. Vice President!
- Excuse me! Sir!
559
00:22:49,437 --> 00:22:51,836
Turns out, Barack and I
aren't friends anymore. Geez.
560
00:22:51,838 --> 00:22:54,557
Anyways, I'm not gonna bother
him for his endorsement,
561
00:22:54,559 --> 00:22:57,678
so vote for me purely for
my supreme mental agility.
562
00:22:57,680 --> 00:23:00,279
Anybody else hear my mom
calling me home for dinner?!
563
00:23:00,281 --> 00:23:02,975
Looks like he doesn't need me
anymore. I'm honestly relieved.
564
00:23:02,977 --> 00:23:04,960
Now it's just you, me,
565
00:23:04,962 --> 00:23:06,721
and this Death Star Lego set
566
00:23:06,723 --> 00:23:08,721
I thought we could
meticulously assemble.
567
00:23:08,723 --> 00:23:11,562
Actually, Valerie Jarrett and I have
tickets to Magic Mike Live.
568
00:23:11,564 --> 00:23:12,923
- Can I tag along?
- No.
569
00:23:15,246 --> 00:23:18,405
I'll just go get some
ice cream. By myself.
570
00:23:22,424 --> 00:23:24,727
New guy's eatin' a ham sandwich!
571
00:23:24,729 --> 00:23:27,327
I feel like a drone!
572
00:23:27,329 --> 00:23:31,169
I'm gonna run for president, huh?
573
00:23:31,171 --> 00:23:33,169
In other news, CNN just released a poll
574
00:23:33,171 --> 00:23:35,410
showing the President's approval
rating at an all-time suck.
575
00:23:35,412 --> 00:23:36,771
Only way to cheer up from that?
576
00:23:36,773 --> 00:23:38,051
Boom... new couch.
577
00:23:38,053 --> 00:23:39,651
"All-time suck"?! Ugh!
578
00:23:39,653 --> 00:23:42,212
Am I gonna lose the job I hate?
579
00:23:42,214 --> 00:23:45,173
Kellyanne! Kellyanne! Come quick!
580
00:23:45,175 --> 00:23:47,174
It's a polling miracle!
581
00:23:47,176 --> 00:23:48,654
- Over here!
- Mr. President! Mr. President!
582
00:23:48,656 --> 00:23:51,215
A lot of people have been
saying that I believe in magic,
583
00:23:51,217 --> 00:23:53,536
that I once beefed
so hard in an elevator
584
00:23:53,538 --> 00:23:56,737
that the sprinklers went off,
that I believe in fairy tales.
585
00:23:56,739 --> 00:24:00,039
I'm here to tell you that
my internal poll is real,
586
00:24:00,041 --> 00:24:02,619
and it says that I'm
more popular than ever!
587
00:24:02,621 --> 00:24:04,192
- Here it is!
- Whaaah?
588
00:24:04,194 --> 00:24:06,420
Some people have
internal polls inside them
589
00:24:06,422 --> 00:24:09,021
called self-worth or
some stupid bullshit.
590
00:24:09,023 --> 00:24:11,902
But I don't need that,
because I have my internal poll
591
00:24:11,904 --> 00:24:13,822
to tell me why I am good.
592
00:24:13,824 --> 00:24:16,463
Oh, wow! It's me!
593
00:24:16,465 --> 00:24:18,464
Who's your internal poll, Jim Acosta?
594
00:24:18,466 --> 00:24:20,625
My friend Louis. He
always compliments my ties
595
00:24:20,627 --> 00:24:21,945
even when I know they're bad.
596
00:24:21,947 --> 00:24:23,437
Okay. Shut up. Back to me.
597
00:24:23,439 --> 00:24:25,866
You see, the people in
our lives that lie to us
598
00:24:25,868 --> 00:24:28,547
in exchange for money,
power, and airtime,
599
00:24:28,549 --> 00:24:30,548
they're the real internal polls.
600
00:24:30,550 --> 00:24:32,541
And to me, that's magic.
601
00:24:32,543 --> 00:24:34,349
Right, but the latest
602
00:24:34,351 --> 00:24:35,910
Quinnipiac poll shows you losing in...
603
00:24:35,912 --> 00:24:37,150
Okay, get the fuck out of my house.
604
00:24:37,152 --> 00:24:38,911
Kellyanne! Get 'em out!
605
00:24:38,913 --> 00:24:41,231
The White House is currently
being engulfed in flames.
606
00:24:41,233 --> 00:24:43,432
Please exit immediately,
or you will be arrested
607
00:24:43,434 --> 00:24:45,553
for aiding and abetting a fire!
608
00:24:50,076 --> 00:24:51,475
So this Super Tuesday,
609
00:24:51,477 --> 00:24:53,715
let's think about all
the great stuff I did
610
00:24:53,717 --> 00:24:56,114
before I ever worked for Barack Obama.
611
00:24:56,116 --> 00:24:58,517
Hey, did I ever tell you about
my other best friend?
612
00:24:58,519 --> 00:25:00,638
A nice fella named Strom Thurmond!
613
00:25:02,040 --> 00:25:04,439
Joe. Stop.
614
00:25:04,441 --> 00:25:06,519
Barack! What are you doin' here?
615
00:25:06,521 --> 00:25:08,520
I thought you'd given up on me!
616
00:25:08,522 --> 00:25:10,561
I was eating ice cream
alone, when I spilled
617
00:25:10,563 --> 00:25:12,545
a big glob of vanilla
bean on my running tights.
618
00:25:12,547 --> 00:25:14,685
What a dweeb! Sorry. Go on.
619
00:25:14,687 --> 00:25:16,803
And it made me realize
that I want to tell
620
00:25:16,805 --> 00:25:19,324
these fine people about
the Joe Biden I know,
621
00:25:19,326 --> 00:25:21,724
the Joe Biden who slapped
me so hard on the ass
622
00:25:21,726 --> 00:25:24,605
after we passed Obamacare,
my stool was red for a week.
623
00:25:25,887 --> 00:25:28,967
Uh, and the guy who rubbed
enough crusty old elbows
624
00:25:28,969 --> 00:25:31,680
to help me pass Obamacare
in the first place,
625
00:25:31,682 --> 00:25:33,112
may it rest in peace.
626
00:25:33,114 --> 00:25:36,809
So, as a tribute to my
closest personal work friend,
627
00:25:36,811 --> 00:25:39,869
I'd like to endorse Joe
Biden for Vice President
628
00:25:39,871 --> 00:25:43,092
from 2008 to 2016!
629
00:25:43,094 --> 00:25:45,372
Thanks, folks!
630
00:25:45,374 --> 00:25:48,453
And thank you, Barack,
for once again letting me
631
00:25:48,455 --> 00:25:52,614
clamp down on your coattails
with my big fake horse teeth!
632
00:25:54,857 --> 00:25:57,540
Hey, Mr. President.
633
00:25:57,542 --> 00:25:59,617
Thanks for not firing my mean ass.
634
00:25:59,619 --> 00:26:02,137
Eh. Don't worry about it.
You'll get me back whenever.
635
00:26:02,139 --> 00:26:05,058
Okay, Mr. President, it's
time for your flattery enema!
636
00:26:05,060 --> 00:26:07,219
- Open wide!
- We'll do two tomorrow.
637
00:26:07,221 --> 00:26:09,620
Right now we gotta
find that internal poll!
638
00:26:09,622 --> 00:26:11,700
You get the flashlight.
I'll get the stun gun.
639
00:26:11,702 --> 00:26:14,821
Wait. What the fuck?! What about
all that stuff you just said?
640
00:26:14,823 --> 00:26:16,952
I was getting the press off our tail.
641
00:26:16,954 --> 00:26:18,863
♪ Ohhhh, Polllliiieee ♪
642
00:26:18,865 --> 00:26:20,717
♪ Where are you? ♪
643
00:26:20,719 --> 00:26:22,024
I have enough for a book.
644
00:26:22,026 --> 00:26:23,704
I don't know why the
fuck I'm still here.
645
00:27:21,605 --> 00:27:22,627
Trump!
646
00:27:22,629 --> 00:27:25,129
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