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- Synced and corrected by Firefly -
- www.addic7ed.com -
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_
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Good thing the Iowa Democrats
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used that fun new computer app.
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How else would we take a
head count in a fucking gym?!
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That stinkin' app!
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I was really looking forward to knowing
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precisely how much my
campaign was imploding!
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Whoa, whoa! They rigged
this thing against me.
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What a shock. What are they
gonna do in New Hampshire?
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Burn down the state?
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Hey, I had a great time in Iowa.
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I got to stay in a hotel!
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Joe, what the fuck are
you so excited about?
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You came in fourth.
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I'm fine, as long as I don't go over 21.
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Jesus! The only person
more demented than you
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is Pete Buttigieg.
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Bonjour, mi amigos.
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So, who wants to make
their case for V.P. first?
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Oh, oh, how about me?
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Name... Amy.
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Skills... Blunt-force trauma!
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And to think I was gonna make you
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the Secretary of Pete
Buttigieg Aggrandizement.
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Wow! That word was huge!
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I want to be that word!
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Sleep in a big old bed.
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Jesus Christ!
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Anyway, got to slap on some aviators
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and let my staffers lead me
around like a circus bear.
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You're still sitting there, buddy.
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And I ain't going nowhere.
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It's time to put my
third-place finish in Iowa
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behind us and focus on my big,
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upcoming third-place
finish in New Hampshire.
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Ah, New Hampshire,
where I'm polling second,
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or as I call it, a landslide victory.
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Hey, Mike Boomberg!
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Hey, Boomberg!
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Hi, fellow front runners, and Amy.
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Suck my dick!
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Okay. So, I just bought this hotel,
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and I'm about to implode it
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and turn it into a 50-foot plasma TV
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that plays my ads 24/7.
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Big TV! Wow!
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I sprung for motion smoothing
to make everything look bad.
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I want people to vote for me
with disgust in their hearts.
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You all have 10 seconds
before you turn into a big TV.
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Tom Perez did this, I know it!
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Bailey, get back here with my DNA test.
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I'm Anderson Cooper, and the
one time I tried Dr Pepper,
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it almost killed me.
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- Authorities suspect Russian hackers
- _
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are behind the purge of
California voter rolls
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that left the state with
only one registered voter:
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a 72-year-old Republican named Jasper.
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Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer
have vowed to pass a bill
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that strengthens election security
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beyond the single download
of Norton Antivirus
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being shared among all 50 states.
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Go, Russia, go!
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Kids, I think this
election's in the bag.
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I hope so.
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If you lose and go to jail,
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who will look after me
and my wife and kids?
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Are you high, Dad?
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Your poll numbers eat ass.
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If you don't cheat big time, never again
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shall the scrotum-vein
bursting victory cheers of 2016
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land upon thy ears.
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Ah, the only thing better
than the cheers were the tears.
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Everyone was watching Fox News,
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but I was glued to the other guys.
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That was the real victory:
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watching all those people
fall apart at the seams
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for underestimating my
DiCaprio-like charisma.
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I don't need to cheat.
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I'll just run on my sterling record
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of saying and doing whatever.
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I think the media has
done a disservice to me
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by focusing on my
youth, Harvard education,
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and mastery of seven languages.
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Hello! I also served in Afghanistan
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where I held a big gun!
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Let's check out that photo again.
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- Wow!
- That is a big gun!
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Nice gun!
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Lis Smith, Pete's campaign manager here.
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Any questions before we hand out
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some of Pete's favorite report cards?
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- Pete!
- You look like my nephew.
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- Hey, Pete!
- Yeah, I have a question.
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You really think you're
qualified to be President
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when you're, like, just a mayor?
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Hey, let's look at that gun again!
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Ooh!
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Abort, abort!
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I think we should hold
our re-election party
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at the Javits Center.
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Just to really twist the
knife into Hillary Clinton...
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for old time's sake.
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You old softie, you're so sentimental.
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Wow, must be a grassroots rally for me.
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Always nice to see my name
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when it's not being defecated
on in a Liveleak video.
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Hey, can we add villagers
to the big gun photo,
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make it seem like there's not
a Pizza Hut just out of frame?
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Sure, but more importantly,
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we have to distract the voters
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from realizing that you're an
unqualified small-time mayor.
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The voters accepted me for being gay.
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Surely this isn't beyond the pale.
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People love that you're gay!
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You're the gay, Christian,
liberal, war-loving,
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smart guy from Hicktown
they've been waiting for.
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Pete, I'm your husband, and I love you
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not because of your mayoral past,
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but in spite of it.
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I tell my friends you make a living
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pawning stolen Afghani relics.
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But if voters focus on the mayor thing,
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all they'll see is Bill de Blasio.
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Loser!
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Sorry, that's like a sneeze.
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I can't help it.
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They're gonna steal the election
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by getting more people to
vote for their side than mine!
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This is not the America
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those Kurds you abandoned fought for.
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And the Feds turn a blind eye.
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How do we stand a chance
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against this kind of
brazen election fraud?
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Don't worry. We can still
count on the Electoral College
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to shut all that down.
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That stupid Electoral College
failed me in the midterms.
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I didn't get a single vote.
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And that concludes
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our Democratic Forum on healthcare.
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Thank you, candidates!
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That was fun. Nothing like telling
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the middle part of a
half a dozen anecdotes,
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then being declared presidential
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because I didn't call
the moderator "Nurse".
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You called me "nurse".
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Several times.
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Can we wrap this up?
I'm on borrowed time.
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Hey, Joe, I was hoping for some advice,
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one big-money centrist to another?
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See, I'm a mayor, and...
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Whoa, whoa, whoa, folks,
you're just a mayor?
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I thought "Mayor Pete"
was an ironic nickname.
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I worry this mayor unpleasantness
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could distract from my
actual qualifications,
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like how I order pizza
from Little Caesars
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in fluent Italian.
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Don't worry bout it, kid.
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You'll be fine as long
as you don't tell anyone
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who would betray you in a heartbeat.
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Thanks, Joe.
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You'll be fine as long
as you don't tell anyone
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who would betray you in a heartbeat.
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- Thanks, Joe.
- Start recording!
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Pete Buttigieg is nothing
but a podunk mayor!
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- A mayor, folks!
- _
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- Spends all day waving on parade floats,
- _
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announcing snow days,
bending over backwards
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just to get a new Kohl's
to open up on I-31.
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Mayor stuff, you know!
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Look, if you're a billionaire,
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quit giving money to this kid.
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Give it to me! I'll
do whatever you want!
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I'm Joe Biden and I
approve this message.
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Hey! Get that on TV.
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He had to rub it in that
the Kohl's deal fell through.
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I come to you with
grave news, Mr. President.
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The Democrats are registering voters,
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a clear threat to all that you
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and the other Founding Fathers intended.
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I ask for your wisdom and guidance.
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And I have money if
that's what you want.
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Dad, don't be a dumb shit.
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- How did you find me?
- You sent out ten tweets
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saying what a dump this church is.
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Look, if you want to win again,
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don't ask these quiet
statue guys for help.
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Ask the other guys.
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The foreign guys.
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It's just I was already impeached
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for my perfect call with Ukraine.
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Then they'd never suspect
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you could be that stupid
to collude again, again.
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Prove to them you're that stupid, Dad.
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If things get rough,
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you can always call
that Russian lady lawyer
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I tried to collude with.
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Okay, Don.
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I'll collude with the Russians again,
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and I'll make sure this
election is as insecure
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as Chris Christie at a pool party!
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Nice burn!
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He's not even in public life anymore!
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Because I care so much
about election security,
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I fired the 40 professionals
in charge of it
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and replaced them
with my own crack team.
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Say hello to your new
Election Security Task Force!
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00:07:20,651 --> 00:07:22,274
Ben Carson, tell the people
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00:07:22,276 --> 00:07:24,149
how you're gonna
safeguard our elections.
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Do we get Election
Security Task Force jackets?
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00:07:27,359 --> 00:07:29,701
Ben, we're convincing the country
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we have the elections locked down.
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00:07:31,317 --> 00:07:32,983
Now I want a jacket.
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If you don't get us jackets,
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we're all gonna suffocate ourselves.
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00:07:36,484 --> 00:07:38,983
That's too bad because I'm
not getting you jackets.
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1989,
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Morgan Stanley buys every employee
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00:07:42,693 --> 00:07:45,432
a fleece jacket with
a logo on the breast.
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Hand to God, the stock
rocketed up a half point.
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00:07:48,484 --> 00:07:51,190
I assume there was a bag
of cocaine in the pocket?
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00:07:51,192 --> 00:07:53,440
And I assume there'd be one in ours.
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- Where is it?
- Let's just move on.
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Move on after what just transpired?
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00:07:58,026 --> 00:07:59,524
You listen to me, young man.
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00:07:59,526 --> 00:08:01,205
Wilbur, I'll give you a billion dollars
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00:08:01,207 --> 00:08:02,607
if you tell me what year it is.
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00:08:02,609 --> 00:08:06,108
It's 1989, and Morgan Stanley
is the talk of the town.
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00:08:10,359 --> 00:08:11,732
Well, you're early!
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00:08:11,734 --> 00:08:13,524
Luckily, I've been
shaved and ready to go
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00:08:13,526 --> 00:08:15,899
since breakf... Pete Buttigieg?
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00:08:15,901 --> 00:08:17,858
Sorry, thought you were someone else.
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00:08:17,860 --> 00:08:21,149
I'm always happy to help
a promising up-and-comer
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00:08:21,151 --> 00:08:24,108
being unjustly harmed by a
scandal of his own making.
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I just don't want voters to focus
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on how I'm trying to be President
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when I've only ever been a mayor.
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Pete, I have been party
to acts of darkness
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so inconceivable that I
hesitate to give them a name.
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But jumping from mayor to President?
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You're on another level, buddy.
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00:08:37,526 --> 00:08:39,899
Now, how many people can
verify this mayor thing?
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00:08:39,901 --> 00:08:43,396
I guess all 110,000
citizens of South Bend?
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That's way too many suicides to fake.
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00:08:45,609 --> 00:08:47,108
When you're backed into a corner,
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you gotta just stand tall,
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look the American people in the eye,
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00:08:50,192 --> 00:08:54,066
and deny it till your very last breath.
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00:08:54,068 --> 00:08:55,732
I'm going to say this again:
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00:08:55,734 --> 00:09:00,232
I have not had mayoral
relations with that city.
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00:09:00,234 --> 00:09:02,315
During this alleged "Mayorship",
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00:09:02,317 --> 00:09:03,880
I was in Afghanistan,
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00:09:03,882 --> 00:09:06,566
fighting for people
to take pictures of me.
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00:09:06,568 --> 00:09:09,440
Do you really think Jennifer Aniston
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00:09:09,442 --> 00:09:12,607
would donate $250 to a mayor?
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00:09:12,609 --> 00:09:14,440
We need to focus on the issues;
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00:09:14,442 --> 00:09:17,024
not unfounded rumors that, as mayor,
258
00:09:17,026 --> 00:09:19,352
I once posed with an orange tabby
259
00:09:19,354 --> 00:09:22,440
named Mr. Fatso the
Catso on Founder's Day.
260
00:09:24,401 --> 00:09:26,024
What if they find out I'm lying?
261
00:09:26,026 --> 00:09:28,357
The American people love being lied to.
262
00:09:28,359 --> 00:09:31,111
It shows you must care
what they think of you.
263
00:09:31,113 --> 00:09:35,113
It's a sick, sexy game,
and I do love it so.
264
00:09:35,943 --> 00:09:37,914
I could use some foreign assistance,
265
00:09:37,916 --> 00:09:39,145
but I need a go-between,
266
00:09:39,147 --> 00:09:40,960
so I sent someone very discreet
267
00:09:40,962 --> 00:09:42,274
and careful with his words.
268
00:09:42,276 --> 00:09:43,397
I got this.
269
00:09:43,399 --> 00:09:45,274
Happy to take a break
from my divorce proceeding.
270
00:09:45,276 --> 00:09:46,764
She said I get the beach house
271
00:09:46,766 --> 00:09:48,899
if I stop inviting her
sisters to go dancing.
272
00:09:48,901 --> 00:09:50,232
I don't think so, sweetheart.
273
00:09:50,234 --> 00:09:51,899
Come to me when you have a real offer.
274
00:09:51,901 --> 00:09:53,108
Go ahead, Rudy.
275
00:09:53,110 --> 00:09:54,691
It's illegal to ask for Russia's help,
276
00:09:54,693 --> 00:09:56,482
so I'm not asking. I'm begging.
277
00:09:56,484 --> 00:09:57,774
I'll do whatever you want.
278
00:09:57,776 --> 00:09:59,691
I'm incapable of debasing myself.
279
00:09:59,693 --> 00:10:00,941
That ship has sailed.
280
00:10:00,943 --> 00:10:02,440
Stay on topic, Rudy.
281
00:10:02,442 --> 00:10:04,440
We could look into some of
Trump's opponents' e-mails.
282
00:10:04,442 --> 00:10:05,599
E-mails!
283
00:10:05,601 --> 00:10:08,106
I tried to hack into my
soon-to-be-ex-wife's account,
284
00:10:08,108 --> 00:10:09,482
but that AOL is a fortress.
285
00:10:09,484 --> 00:10:11,482
You think your goons
could follow her around,
286
00:10:11,484 --> 00:10:13,232
set up some cameras in her tanning bed?
287
00:10:13,234 --> 00:10:15,649
Hey, follow my first two wives
around while you're at it.
288
00:10:15,651 --> 00:10:17,315
I'd love to know how they're doing.
289
00:10:17,317 --> 00:10:18,941
This is a top priority, got it?
290
00:10:18,943 --> 00:10:20,858
Okay, now, my second
wife, she takes Pilates
291
00:10:20,860 --> 00:10:22,533
down at the Gramercy Park Equinox.
292
00:10:25,317 --> 00:10:26,858
That was perfect, Pete.
293
00:10:26,860 --> 00:10:28,732
Alright, it's time to
admit you were a mayor.
294
00:10:28,734 --> 00:10:31,149
What? I just looked the American people
295
00:10:31,151 --> 00:10:32,732
in the eye and denied it.
296
00:10:32,734 --> 00:10:34,899
I know, right? It's messed up,
297
00:10:34,901 --> 00:10:38,024
but the heart of the American
people wants what it wants.
298
00:10:38,026 --> 00:10:39,524
Now read the prompter.
299
00:10:39,526 --> 00:10:41,941
Good evening. As you
know, a few hours ago,
300
00:10:41,943 --> 00:10:44,274
I denied that I had
ever served as a mayor.
301
00:10:44,276 --> 00:10:46,024
- While my answers were...
- Oh, my God, this is so great.
302
00:10:46,026 --> 00:10:47,357
... legally accurate, I did
not volunteer information.
303
00:10:47,359 --> 00:10:48,816
Disgusting and delicious
at the same time.
304
00:10:48,818 --> 00:10:50,482
They are lapping it up, Pete.
305
00:10:50,484 --> 00:10:52,684
Indeed, I did have a mayorship
that was not appropriate.
306
00:10:52,860 --> 00:10:53,972
Whoa!
307
00:10:53,974 --> 00:10:55,620
If his husband's fine
with it, I'm fine it.
308
00:10:55,622 --> 00:10:56,941
Being a mayor constituted
309
00:10:56,943 --> 00:10:58,190
a critical lapse in judgment
310
00:10:58,192 --> 00:10:59,566
and a personal failure on my part...
311
00:10:59,568 --> 00:11:01,024
- This is so bad!
- ... for which I am solely
312
00:11:01,026 --> 00:11:02,691
- and completely responsible.
- We are true animals!
313
00:11:02,693 --> 00:11:05,149
But it is in the past
and it's time to move on.
314
00:11:05,151 --> 00:11:07,357
Cut! Nailed it, compadre.
315
00:11:07,359 --> 00:11:09,108
What happened to you
after your confession?
316
00:11:09,110 --> 00:11:11,774
Remind me because I was
busy acing grade school.
317
00:11:11,776 --> 00:11:13,399
Short-term: impeached.
318
00:11:13,401 --> 00:11:17,024
Long-term: borderline criminal
tolerance of my behavior.
319
00:11:19,234 --> 00:11:21,357
Russia hacked Elizabeth
Warren's e-mails,
320
00:11:21,359 --> 00:11:24,540
but the raciest tidbit
was her asking her doctor
321
00:11:24,542 --> 00:11:27,232
if drinking half a beer a
year means she has a problem.
322
00:11:27,234 --> 00:11:29,399
We're boned on social media, too.
323
00:11:29,401 --> 00:11:31,274
Every time I post that Hunter Biden
324
00:11:31,276 --> 00:11:32,816
doesn't shave his butthole
325
00:11:32,818 --> 00:11:34,357
my Facebook gets locked.
326
00:11:34,359 --> 00:11:38,357
And to reactivate it, I
have to call a phone number!
327
00:11:38,359 --> 00:11:40,357
It sucks so much!
328
00:11:40,359 --> 00:11:43,315
Jesus, who knew stealing an
election could be so hard?
329
00:11:43,317 --> 00:11:45,649
It doesn't have to be.
330
00:11:47,151 --> 00:11:49,983
That is so alpha! You're my best friend.
331
00:11:49,985 --> 00:11:52,274
You, me, Vegas, when
our schedules line up.
332
00:11:52,276 --> 00:11:54,482
You need to stop bending the rules
333
00:11:54,484 --> 00:11:56,566
and start ignoring them entirely.
334
00:11:56,568 --> 00:11:58,899
I can pass a bill that will deliver you
335
00:11:58,901 --> 00:12:01,357
a win margin that President Assad
336
00:12:01,359 --> 00:12:04,024
- could only dream of.
- But what about...
337
00:12:04,026 --> 00:12:05,607
Don't worry about the Democrats.
338
00:12:05,609 --> 00:12:09,566
There's nothing they won't do
in the spirit of bipartisanship.
339
00:12:09,568 --> 00:12:12,482
I was actually just gonna
ask about election-day snacks,
340
00:12:12,484 --> 00:12:14,232
but that's good, too.
341
00:12:14,234 --> 00:12:15,774
And the Republican-authored
342
00:12:15,776 --> 00:12:18,566
Election Security Bill has passed.
343
00:12:19,860 --> 00:12:22,080
It requires all voting machine servers
344
00:12:22,082 --> 00:12:24,732
to be located somewhere around here.
345
00:12:24,734 --> 00:12:27,782
The President will sign the
bill at a special ceremony
346
00:12:27,784 --> 00:12:30,274
at the Javits Center because
he thinks it would be funny.
347
00:12:32,442 --> 00:12:34,524
What a win for bipartisanship!
348
00:12:34,526 --> 00:12:36,315
We haven't read the bill yet,
349
00:12:36,317 --> 00:12:39,175
but it's got the word
"security" in the title,
350
00:12:39,177 --> 00:12:43,149
so we're confident
it'll get the job done.
351
00:12:43,151 --> 00:12:45,899
Looks like it worked!
To dump the mayor label,
352
00:12:45,901 --> 00:12:48,732
I just had to give so many
head-spinning explanations,
353
00:12:48,734 --> 00:12:50,315
- the voters became car-sick.
- _
354
00:12:50,317 --> 00:12:52,899
Great. Now would you stop
your little unceasing quest
355
00:12:52,901 --> 00:12:55,482
for power before you
turn into Bill Clinton.
356
00:12:55,484 --> 00:12:58,274
I am not going to
turn into Bill Clinton.
357
00:12:58,276 --> 00:12:59,732
Matchy-matchy!
358
00:12:59,734 --> 00:13:01,149
It's celebration time.
359
00:13:01,151 --> 00:13:02,867
There's a party jet ready to take us
360
00:13:02,869 --> 00:13:04,681
to an undisclosed Caribbean island,
361
00:13:04,683 --> 00:13:06,232
and it's got your name on it.
362
00:13:06,234 --> 00:13:07,774
- Really?
- Not your real name,
363
00:13:07,776 --> 00:13:10,024
just the alias you've
been assigned this trip.
364
00:13:10,026 --> 00:13:13,110
That cool with you,
Blampton K. Lutherman?
365
00:13:14,151 --> 00:13:15,983
So I got this bill signing soon
366
00:13:15,985 --> 00:13:18,009
and just wanted to see if
you're cooking anything up
367
00:13:18,011 --> 00:13:19,482
- for the election.
- Why bother!
368
00:13:19,484 --> 00:13:20,732
Now that the fix is in,
369
00:13:20,734 --> 00:13:22,357
the Democrats won't even show up.
370
00:13:22,359 --> 00:13:23,482
You should treat yourself.
371
00:13:23,484 --> 00:13:26,232
Go buy another really, really big suit.
372
00:13:26,234 --> 00:13:28,691
But I really wanted
the Democrats to try.
373
00:13:28,693 --> 00:13:30,024
If they already know I'll win,
374
00:13:30,026 --> 00:13:31,566
I might not see them on election night
375
00:13:31,568 --> 00:13:33,858
flailing around like
traumatized guppies.
376
00:13:33,860 --> 00:13:36,399
Jesus, what did your father do to you?
377
00:13:39,192 --> 00:13:40,848
Could you scoot over, Dershowitz?
378
00:13:40,850 --> 00:13:41,912
Your knees are touching mine.
379
00:13:41,914 --> 00:13:43,108
Congratulations, Petey.
380
00:13:43,110 --> 00:13:44,899
Visiting infamous island getaways
381
00:13:44,901 --> 00:13:47,474
is the reward for a life
of unchecked ambition
382
00:13:47,476 --> 00:13:48,941
and calculated ladder climbing.
383
00:13:48,943 --> 00:13:50,524
Which island are we going to again?
384
00:13:50,526 --> 00:13:52,774
A little place a friend
left me in his will.
385
00:13:52,776 --> 00:13:54,340
Don't worry. It's still not clear
386
00:13:54,342 --> 00:13:56,232
which country has legal jurisdiction.
387
00:13:56,234 --> 00:13:59,482
But I built my résumé because
I wanted to be President.
388
00:13:59,484 --> 00:14:02,816
Not to fly to creepy
islands on private planes.
389
00:14:02,818 --> 00:14:06,158
You were always trying to
get on this plane, Pete.
390
00:14:06,160 --> 00:14:08,555
Whenever we acquire power for no reason
391
00:14:08,557 --> 00:14:10,440
other than the delusion
that we deserve it,
392
00:14:10,442 --> 00:14:13,399
we take one step closer to that runway.
393
00:14:13,401 --> 00:14:14,482
Almost there.
394
00:14:14,484 --> 00:14:16,709
Everyone pull a burlap
sack over your head
395
00:14:16,711 --> 00:14:18,732
so you can't provide
the island's coordinates
396
00:14:18,734 --> 00:14:20,274
under interrogation.
397
00:14:20,276 --> 00:14:21,745
Yeah, Bill you don't
have to say it every time.
398
00:14:21,747 --> 00:14:25,538
This isn't why I held a big gun!
399
00:14:27,276 --> 00:14:28,899
Surprise!
400
00:14:28,901 --> 00:14:30,732
♪ For he's a two-term President ♪
401
00:14:30,734 --> 00:14:32,108
♪ For he's a two-term President ♪
402
00:14:32,110 --> 00:14:34,190
Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold it, stop!
403
00:14:34,192 --> 00:14:35,989
You should be out there
making it look like
404
00:14:35,991 --> 00:14:38,273
this election is still
a 50-50 death match
405
00:14:38,275 --> 00:14:40,377
between a bully who's
just in it for the money
406
00:14:40,379 --> 00:14:42,434
and me, a scrappy orphan from Brooklyn
407
00:14:42,436 --> 00:14:45,166
with sad puppy eyes and
his drunk dad's left hook.
408
00:14:45,168 --> 00:14:47,899
Once you sign the bill, the
election's over, numbnuts.
409
00:14:47,901 --> 00:14:49,566
We wanted to have the victory party now,
410
00:14:49,568 --> 00:14:51,732
in case Pompeo pops
shrieking at Terry Gross.
411
00:14:51,734 --> 00:14:53,858
- At least my election security task force
- _
412
00:14:53,860 --> 00:14:55,399
is still working hard for me.
413
00:14:55,401 --> 00:14:57,607
Election Security task force, ten hut!
414
00:14:57,609 --> 00:14:59,566
Aren't you all looking
like a million bucks!
415
00:14:59,568 --> 00:15:01,649
That's because our
jackets cost the taxpayer
416
00:15:01,651 --> 00:15:03,691
more than all the furniture
in my office combined.
417
00:15:03,693 --> 00:15:06,441
I chose the fabric, Ben chose the font,
418
00:15:06,443 --> 00:15:09,190
and Wilbur Ross
reminisced about V.J. Day!
419
00:15:09,192 --> 00:15:11,983
And I chose the stuff in the pockets.
420
00:15:11,985 --> 00:15:14,108
Put that in my lower-third.
421
00:15:14,110 --> 00:15:15,941
I chose the flake.
422
00:15:15,943 --> 00:15:17,482
Yeah!
423
00:15:17,484 --> 00:15:19,482
There's my third.
424
00:15:19,484 --> 00:15:21,232
- Look what daddy did.
- _
425
00:15:21,234 --> 00:15:23,066
Read his third.
426
00:15:23,068 --> 00:15:27,066
That shit should be a higher third.
427
00:15:27,068 --> 00:15:29,232
Oh, yeah.
428
00:15:29,234 --> 00:15:33,024
First higher third in
the history of the news.
429
00:15:33,026 --> 00:15:35,357
It all means nothing if
the election is rigged
430
00:15:35,359 --> 00:15:36,539
and everyone knows it.
431
00:15:36,541 --> 00:15:39,066
I don't want a party
or a banner or a cake.
432
00:15:39,068 --> 00:15:40,315
We didn't bring a cake.
433
00:15:40,317 --> 00:15:42,315
You didn't bring a cake?!
434
00:15:43,484 --> 00:15:45,208
I did buy a cake, but I forgot it
435
00:15:45,210 --> 00:15:47,190
on the roof of my car when I drove in.
436
00:15:47,192 --> 00:15:50,317
My rear windshield is delicious.
437
00:15:51,693 --> 00:15:53,774
What happened to your island getaway?
438
00:15:53,776 --> 00:15:57,070
I bailed. But I kept my
eyes closed on the way down
439
00:15:57,072 --> 00:15:59,315
so I don't know the island's location
440
00:15:59,317 --> 00:16:02,108
and the Clintons have
no reason to silence me.
441
00:16:02,110 --> 00:16:04,190
Good thinking, but we
can no longer push you
442
00:16:04,192 --> 00:16:05,357
as the fresh, young outsider
443
00:16:05,359 --> 00:16:07,065
now that you've shared airport nachos
444
00:16:07,067 --> 00:16:09,108
- with Alan Dershowitz.
- What a mess.
445
00:16:09,110 --> 00:16:11,941
Chasten, let's go home and
stare at the big gun photo.
446
00:16:11,943 --> 00:16:14,732
Actually, my own profile
has been blowing up lately.
447
00:16:14,734 --> 00:16:17,607
I'm doing an Instagram story
with Carly Rae Jepsen today,
448
00:16:17,609 --> 00:16:20,024
and I really can't be
dogged by any Clinton stuff.
449
00:16:20,026 --> 00:16:22,024
Fine. If I'm not needed here,
450
00:16:22,026 --> 00:16:23,941
why don't I just go back to South Bend!
451
00:16:23,943 --> 00:16:25,482
Oh, you can never go back there.
452
00:16:25,484 --> 00:16:27,232
They burn you in effigy every week.
453
00:16:27,234 --> 00:16:29,691
It's actually really
brought the town together.
454
00:16:29,693 --> 00:16:31,649
- Today I actually read
- _
455
00:16:31,651 --> 00:16:34,232
the so-called "election security bill"
456
00:16:34,234 --> 00:16:35,858
and, as soon as Trump signs it,
457
00:16:35,860 --> 00:16:39,816
the 2020 election is over.
458
00:16:39,818 --> 00:16:41,732
Rather than confront reality,
459
00:16:41,734 --> 00:16:43,691
I will pen the next
great American novel.
460
00:16:43,693 --> 00:16:45,524
We begin with a girl named "Rachel",
461
00:16:45,526 --> 00:16:47,691
whose world is bursting into flames.
462
00:16:47,693 --> 00:16:49,524
Okay, this officially sucks, Dad!
463
00:16:49,526 --> 00:16:51,858
My tweets used to get a million replies
464
00:16:51,860 --> 00:16:53,399
saying my dad doesn't love me
465
00:16:53,401 --> 00:16:55,066
and I should swallow my own ass!
466
00:16:55,068 --> 00:16:58,232
Now that the left has given
up, my replies are a ghost town.
467
00:16:58,234 --> 00:17:00,858
What if when the ghosts
are through with Don,
468
00:17:00,860 --> 00:17:02,357
they come find me?
469
00:17:02,359 --> 00:17:04,232
That's it. I'm not signing the bill.
470
00:17:04,234 --> 00:17:06,691
I just gotta figure out
how to tell McConnell.
471
00:17:06,693 --> 00:17:08,108
Tell me what?
472
00:17:08,110 --> 00:17:09,232
- Aah!
- Oh, hey.
473
00:17:09,234 --> 00:17:11,440
Oh, you know, Mitch,
this bill is so great
474
00:17:11,442 --> 00:17:13,287
that I don't even
think we need the bill.
475
00:17:13,289 --> 00:17:14,566
Oh, you don't understand.
476
00:17:14,568 --> 00:17:17,274
You're the most damaged
presidential candidate
477
00:17:17,276 --> 00:17:18,724
to ever seek re-election.
478
00:17:18,726 --> 00:17:21,059
You've been impeached, revived ISIS,
479
00:17:21,061 --> 00:17:23,357
and there's a slew
of Trump impersonators
480
00:17:23,359 --> 00:17:24,691
earning a handsome living
481
00:17:24,693 --> 00:17:26,899
letting strangers
punch them in the face.
482
00:17:26,901 --> 00:17:28,357
Were the insults necessary?
483
00:17:28,359 --> 00:17:30,224
Your feelings mean nothing to me.
484
00:17:31,276 --> 00:17:33,774
My purpose is to secure Republican power
485
00:17:33,776 --> 00:17:37,566
no matter how, why, or
what societal foundations
486
00:17:37,568 --> 00:17:39,440
are obliterated in the process.
487
00:17:39,442 --> 00:17:42,190
Donald, you will sign that bill.
488
00:17:43,359 --> 00:17:45,607
Mitch, you dog! Check it out.
489
00:17:45,609 --> 00:17:48,440
I know a guy in Vegas
who can get us drugs.
490
00:17:54,151 --> 00:17:57,622
So I give Mary Lou Retton a
good solid jolt to the ribs
491
00:17:57,624 --> 00:17:59,524
and a hunk of food
flies out of her mouth.
492
00:17:59,526 --> 00:18:02,607
And guess what she was eating
the night before she won gold.
493
00:18:02,609 --> 00:18:04,774
Go on, guess.
494
00:18:04,776 --> 00:18:06,499
I know the crowd's light tonight
495
00:18:06,501 --> 00:18:08,566
because everyone thinks
the election's in the bag,
496
00:18:08,568 --> 00:18:10,899
but we can still have fun, right?
497
00:18:10,901 --> 00:18:11,941
Spaghetti?
498
00:18:11,943 --> 00:18:13,024
No, you nitwit!
499
00:18:13,026 --> 00:18:14,691
Who chokes on spaghetti?
500
00:18:14,693 --> 00:18:15,774
It was pork chops.
501
00:18:15,776 --> 00:18:17,149
I know a good happy hour tonight.
502
00:18:17,151 --> 00:18:18,232
Hey, you in the back.
503
00:18:18,234 --> 00:18:19,649
You wanna pay attention?
504
00:18:19,651 --> 00:18:20,983
We're custodians, man.
505
00:18:20,985 --> 00:18:22,399
Yeah, we don't have to pay attention.
506
00:18:22,401 --> 00:18:23,524
Hey, shut up!
507
00:18:23,526 --> 00:18:25,357
- That's the President!
- You shut up!
508
00:18:25,359 --> 00:18:26,816
No, you shut up!
509
00:18:26,818 --> 00:18:28,357
No, you shut up!
510
00:18:28,359 --> 00:18:31,064
I'll tear your ass apart ass by ass!
511
00:18:31,066 --> 00:18:32,821
You wanna go? That it, you wanna go?
512
00:18:32,823 --> 00:18:34,649
Anthony, no. Think of your parole.
513
00:18:34,651 --> 00:18:35,983
Fuck my parole!
514
00:18:35,985 --> 00:18:38,103
Penalties are too
harsh for spray-painting
515
00:18:38,105 --> 00:18:41,274
"Orgy Headquarters" on
your ex-wife's garage.
516
00:18:41,276 --> 00:18:44,649
And we now return to our
canbidate town hall in progress.
517
00:18:44,651 --> 00:18:46,066
Hey, just so you guys know,
518
00:18:46,068 --> 00:18:47,357
"candidate" was
misspelled in the prompter.
519
00:18:47,359 --> 00:18:49,312
It appears Mayor Bill De Blasio
520
00:18:49,314 --> 00:18:51,379
snuck onto the stage
during the commercial break.
521
00:18:51,381 --> 00:18:53,816
What brings you here from
the big old apple tree?
522
00:18:53,818 --> 00:18:55,691
I figured I'd just kind of hang around,
523
00:18:55,693 --> 00:18:59,315
let you guys battle it out
for the De Blasio endorsement.
524
00:19:01,026 --> 00:19:02,988
Wow, a mayor's endorsement!
525
00:19:02,990 --> 00:19:05,760
I'd rather eat what Bailey
left in the yard last night.
526
00:19:05,762 --> 00:19:07,649
"Duhrrr, I'm Mayor De Blasio
527
00:19:07,651 --> 00:19:10,315
and my job is opening new bike lanes".
528
00:19:11,693 --> 00:19:13,860
Hey, Buttigieg, that
mayor stuff's behind you.
529
00:19:13,862 --> 00:19:17,149
We've tee'd him up. Now
hit it out of the park.
530
00:19:17,151 --> 00:19:20,816
Well, De Blasio, you're
nothing but a mayor,
531
00:19:20,818 --> 00:19:24,526
which is a commendable job
that's really hard to do.
532
00:19:26,026 --> 00:19:27,899
If you're a dumb loser.
533
00:19:29,359 --> 00:19:31,546
Hey, De Blasio, what's the matter?
534
00:19:31,548 --> 00:19:34,524
Can't get funding for
your umpteenth dog park?
535
00:19:36,401 --> 00:19:38,024
You're such a mayor,
536
00:19:38,026 --> 00:19:39,524
I bet you stay up all night
537
00:19:39,526 --> 00:19:42,232
worried your unaudited
actual property tax revenue
538
00:19:42,234 --> 00:19:43,941
won't meet the adopted forecast
539
00:19:43,943 --> 00:19:45,691
for the city's fiscal quarter!
540
00:19:45,693 --> 00:19:46,774
Oh!
541
00:19:46,776 --> 00:19:49,399
Kind of a thinker!
542
00:19:53,860 --> 00:19:55,885
This is Natalia Veselnitskaya.
543
00:19:55,887 --> 00:19:58,566
This call may be recorded
for incriminating purposes.
544
00:19:58,568 --> 00:20:01,232
Hey, you should make
the presidential race
545
00:20:01,234 --> 00:20:03,983
competitive by digging
up dirt on Donald Trump.
546
00:20:03,985 --> 00:20:06,732
I'm pretty sure he laundered
money for the Russians.
547
00:20:06,734 --> 00:20:08,222
Donald, I know it's you.
548
00:20:08,224 --> 00:20:09,607
You're the only one on
Earth who sounds like you.
549
00:20:09,609 --> 00:20:10,816
Damn it!
550
00:20:10,818 --> 00:20:12,983
Oh!
551
00:20:12,985 --> 00:20:14,440
Donald.
552
00:20:14,442 --> 00:20:16,024
Dooonald!
553
00:20:16,026 --> 00:20:17,232
George Washington?
554
00:20:17,234 --> 00:20:19,066
You were an American political leader,
555
00:20:19,068 --> 00:20:20,566
statesman, and Founding Father.
556
00:20:20,568 --> 00:20:23,607
I know you're reading from Wikipedia.
557
00:20:23,609 --> 00:20:25,774
I guess you're angry
that I'm trying to deny
558
00:20:25,776 --> 00:20:27,941
millions of Democrats
their right to vote.
559
00:20:27,943 --> 00:20:30,108
On the contrary, we founded this country
560
00:20:30,110 --> 00:20:32,414
with the intention of
limiting voter turnout
561
00:20:32,416 --> 00:20:34,732
to no more than could
fit in a single barn.
562
00:20:34,734 --> 00:20:36,357
I was elevated to the presidency
563
00:20:36,359 --> 00:20:39,108
by an electorate consisting
of two dozen landowners
564
00:20:39,110 --> 00:20:41,399
and one alleged libidinous deviant
565
00:20:41,401 --> 00:20:42,607
named Ben Franklin.
566
00:20:42,609 --> 00:20:44,941
Our Ben Franklin is
named Alan Dershowitz.
567
00:20:44,943 --> 00:20:47,255
But we concealed this imbalance of power
568
00:20:47,257 --> 00:20:50,524
by weaving into our Constitution
a great tapestry of rules,
569
00:20:50,526 --> 00:20:53,315
tricking the common man
into believing all was fair.
570
00:20:53,317 --> 00:20:56,399
That tapestry is shredded
by Sir McConnell's bill.
571
00:20:56,401 --> 00:20:58,607
But if I don't sign
that bill, I'll lose.
572
00:20:58,609 --> 00:21:01,649
Sign that bill and your
victory will be a hollow one.
573
00:21:01,651 --> 00:21:04,024
Don't sign, and you may risk defeat
574
00:21:04,026 --> 00:21:06,524
unless you try winning the American way:
575
00:21:06,526 --> 00:21:08,190
by searching the Constitution
576
00:21:08,192 --> 00:21:10,858
for ways to let as few
non-white people vote
577
00:21:10,860 --> 00:21:12,149
as possible.
578
00:21:12,151 --> 00:21:13,691
The choice is yours.
579
00:21:18,818 --> 00:21:20,066
Hope that didn't hurt.
580
00:21:20,068 --> 00:21:21,399
Totally fine, sir.
581
00:21:21,401 --> 00:21:24,858
I can't feel a thing
from my gums to my toes.
582
00:21:27,026 --> 00:21:30,149
I am! I'm more than a mayor!
583
00:21:30,151 --> 00:21:32,774
At what cost, Pete?
584
00:21:32,776 --> 00:21:34,649
At what cost?
585
00:21:34,651 --> 00:21:36,315
What are you doing here, Bill?
586
00:21:36,317 --> 00:21:38,274
I didn't see anything and,
even if I did, I'd never talk.
587
00:21:38,276 --> 00:21:40,003
We had to make an emergency landing
588
00:21:40,005 --> 00:21:42,315
after your little stunt
depressurized the cabin.
589
00:21:42,317 --> 00:21:44,649
An FBI plane was on the runway.
590
00:21:44,651 --> 00:21:45,858
Thought they'd arrest us,
591
00:21:45,860 --> 00:21:47,440
but they just asked us for autographs.
592
00:21:47,442 --> 00:21:49,858
My comeuppance just won't come up!
593
00:21:49,860 --> 00:21:51,190
That's pretty fucked up.
594
00:21:51,192 --> 00:21:53,899
Hey, I'm sorry for
dragging you on that plane.
595
00:21:53,901 --> 00:21:55,691
When I thought I saw myself in you,
596
00:21:55,693 --> 00:21:57,482
it was just the politically savvy,
597
00:21:57,484 --> 00:21:58,899
ladder-climbing parts.
598
00:21:58,901 --> 00:22:00,941
Not the super cool dude parts.
599
00:22:00,943 --> 00:22:03,648
Thanks. Do you think people will
look past all of my deception?
600
00:22:03,650 --> 00:22:06,024
When you show them your
flaws, they love you even more.
601
00:22:06,026 --> 00:22:07,899
Speaking as someone who
was elected President
602
00:22:07,901 --> 00:22:10,691
with countless rock-solid
accusations dogging me,
603
00:22:10,693 --> 00:22:13,566
voters will accept anything, even this.
604
00:22:13,568 --> 00:22:15,024
Found it in your carry-on.
605
00:22:15,026 --> 00:22:17,463
Hope you don't mind if we use
it to wipe our fingerprints
606
00:22:17,465 --> 00:22:20,632
off everything we
touched in that jet plane.
607
00:22:23,192 --> 00:22:25,066
You spared no expense.
608
00:22:25,068 --> 00:22:27,649
Nice touch to have the monitors replay
609
00:22:27,651 --> 00:22:29,816
the 2016 cable news footage.
610
00:22:29,818 --> 00:22:31,566
They were really thrown.
611
00:22:31,568 --> 00:22:33,274
Remember how, by midnight,
612
00:22:33,276 --> 00:22:36,816
Steve Kornacki was waving a
meat cleaver around the office?
613
00:22:36,818 --> 00:22:40,108
Oh, well, let's get
this over with so I win.
614
00:22:41,359 --> 00:22:43,607
This bill guarantees that never again
615
00:22:43,609 --> 00:22:45,858
will we endure the stress of not knowing
616
00:22:45,860 --> 00:22:48,774
the final outcome of the
presidential election.
617
00:22:48,776 --> 00:22:50,066
Donald Trump...
618
00:22:50,068 --> 00:22:51,983
... has been elected President...
619
00:22:51,985 --> 00:22:53,899
... of the United States?
620
00:22:53,901 --> 00:22:56,899
And I'm not signing it.
621
00:22:56,901 --> 00:22:58,732
I'm vetoing McConnell's bill.
622
00:22:58,734 --> 00:23:01,149
We need election rules that appear fair
623
00:23:01,151 --> 00:23:02,899
so losers try really hard
624
00:23:02,901 --> 00:23:04,732
and feel terrible when they lose.
625
00:23:04,734 --> 00:23:06,858
Do we want to live in a
world where they announce
626
00:23:06,860 --> 00:23:09,983
I'm the President as if
it's a foregone conclusion,
627
00:23:09,985 --> 00:23:13,691
without that pathetic gasp
of soul-crushing terror?
628
00:23:13,693 --> 00:23:16,649
Ah, your beauty is
wasted on them, Mitch.
629
00:23:16,651 --> 00:23:19,899
You're an angel in a world
that won't let you fly.
630
00:23:19,901 --> 00:23:22,607
I've got the Constitution on my side.
631
00:23:22,609 --> 00:23:24,066
No one understands it
632
00:23:24,068 --> 00:23:26,899
except my legion of
maniacally conservative judges,
633
00:23:26,901 --> 00:23:29,440
which means it says
whatever I want it to say.
634
00:23:29,442 --> 00:23:31,691
And if Democrats try
to steal this election
635
00:23:31,693 --> 00:23:33,399
by getting more people to vote,
636
00:23:33,401 --> 00:23:35,108
I'll win the right way:
637
00:23:35,110 --> 00:23:37,024
by making it as difficult as possible
638
00:23:37,026 --> 00:23:39,274
for them to vote at all!
639
00:23:39,276 --> 00:23:43,163
That's why I refuse to
sign this stupid bill.
640
00:23:44,442 --> 00:23:46,190
Crap, I ripped the wrong one.
641
00:23:46,192 --> 00:23:48,482
Does anyone have any Scotch tape?
642
00:23:48,484 --> 00:23:51,066
The Trump administration
has announced support
643
00:23:51,068 --> 00:23:54,024
- for a New Voting Rights Act.
- _
644
00:23:54,026 --> 00:23:56,399
"All voters must show ID indicating
645
00:23:56,401 --> 00:23:57,816
their bloodline traces back
646
00:23:57,818 --> 00:23:59,524
to one of the seven
Mayflower passengers,
647
00:23:59,526 --> 00:24:01,649
and all Miami voting booths are located
648
00:24:01,651 --> 00:24:03,260
in the middle of an active racetrack".
649
00:24:03,262 --> 00:24:04,903
Which, according to the Supreme Court,
650
00:24:04,905 --> 00:24:07,315
is somehow within the
bounds of the Constitution.
651
00:24:07,317 --> 00:24:09,024
Okay, who drank all my scotch?
652
00:24:09,026 --> 00:24:10,482
And if you say it was me, you're fired.
653
00:24:10,484 --> 00:24:12,836
Big ups to the Founding Fathers, boys.
654
00:24:12,838 --> 00:24:15,434
They made it so guys like
us can gaslight the public
655
00:24:15,436 --> 00:24:17,482
into thinking elections
aren't rigged against them.
656
00:24:17,484 --> 00:24:20,482
Is it fair that so many
Democratic districts'
657
00:24:20,484 --> 00:24:23,774
polling places are now
near active volcanoes?
658
00:24:23,776 --> 00:24:25,816
No, it's not fair, Eric.
659
00:24:25,818 --> 00:24:26,983
It's awesome.
660
00:24:26,985 --> 00:24:29,133
By the way, never go
to Vegas with McConnell.
661
00:24:29,135 --> 00:24:32,136
The whole time, he was just
on the phone with Elaine Chao,
662
00:24:32,138 --> 00:24:33,678
telling her how much he missed her,
663
00:24:33,680 --> 00:24:36,357
but in, like, a disingenuous
performative way.
664
00:24:36,359 --> 00:24:37,816
Speaking of Democrats,
665
00:24:37,818 --> 00:24:39,649
today Pete Buttigieg delivered a speech
666
00:24:39,651 --> 00:24:41,108
from South Bend, Indiana,
667
00:24:41,110 --> 00:24:43,232
that took more than a
few of us by surprise.
668
00:24:43,234 --> 00:24:45,357
I was worried voters would never vote
669
00:24:45,359 --> 00:24:46,858
for a mayor as President,
670
00:24:46,860 --> 00:24:48,691
but Bill Clinton's and Donald Trump's
671
00:24:48,693 --> 00:24:51,315
election victories prove
that Americans believe
672
00:24:51,317 --> 00:24:52,607
in their democracy,
673
00:24:52,609 --> 00:24:54,649
no matter what kind
of power-hungry psycho
674
00:24:54,651 --> 00:24:55,858
it spits out.
675
00:24:55,860 --> 00:24:58,024
If anything, as a mayor,
I'm over-qualified.
676
00:24:58,026 --> 00:25:00,621
Which is why I'm announcing my candidacy
677
00:25:00,623 --> 00:25:03,403
for Secretary General
of the United Nations.
678
00:25:04,526 --> 00:25:06,066
But enough about me!
679
00:25:06,068 --> 00:25:10,691
This Auto Zone is now open for business!
680
00:26:08,901 --> 00:26:10,132
Trump!
681
00:26:10,134 --> 00:26:15,134
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