- Synced and corrected by Firefly - - www.addic7ed.com -
_
Good thing the Iowa Democrats
used that fun new computer app.
How else would we take a head count in a fucking gym?!
That stinkin' app!
I was really looking forward to knowing
precisely how much my campaign was imploding!
Whoa, whoa! They rigged this thing against me.
What a shock. What are they gonna do in New Hampshire?
Burn down the state?
Hey, I had a great time in Iowa.
I got to stay in a hotel!
Joe, what the fuck are you so excited about?
You came in fourth.
I'm fine, as long as I don't go over 21.
Jesus! The only person more demented than you
is Pete Buttigieg.
Bonjour, mi amigos.
So, who wants to make their case for V.P. first?
Oh, oh, how about me?
Name... Amy.
Skills... Blunt-force trauma!
And to think I was gonna make you
the Secretary of Pete Buttigieg Aggrandizement.
Wow! That word was huge!
I want to be that word!
Sleep in a big old bed.
Jesus Christ!
Anyway, got to slap on some aviators
and let my staffers lead me around like a circus bear.
You're still sitting there, buddy.
And I ain't going nowhere.
It's time to put my third-place finish in Iowa
behind us and focus on my big,
upcoming third-place finish in New Hampshire.
Ah, New Hampshire, where I'm polling second,
or as I call it, a landslide victory.
Hey, Mike Boomberg!
Hey, Boomberg!
Hi, fellow front runners, and Amy.
Suck my dick!
Okay. So, I just bought this hotel,
and I'm about to implode it
and turn it into a 50-foot plasma TV
that plays my ads 24/7.
Big TV! Wow!
I sprung for motion smoothing to make everything look bad.
I want people to vote for me with disgust in their hearts.
You all have 10 seconds before you turn into a big TV.
Tom Perez did this, I know it!
Bailey, get back here with my DNA test.
I'm Anderson Cooper, and the one time I tried Dr Pepper,
it almost killed me.
- Authorities suspect Russian hackers - _
are behind the purge of California voter rolls
that left the state with only one registered voter:
a 72-year-old Republican named Jasper.
Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer have vowed to pass a bill
that strengthens election security
beyond the single download of Norton Antivirus
being shared among all 50 states.
Go, Russia, go!
Kids, I think this election's in the bag.
I hope so.
If you lose and go to jail,
who will look after me and my wife and kids?
Are you high, Dad?
Your poll numbers eat ass.
If you don't cheat big time, never again
shall the scrotum-vein bursting victory cheers of 2016
land upon thy ears.
Ah, the only thing better than the cheers were the tears.
Everyone was watching Fox News,
but I was glued to the other guys.
That was the real victory:
watching all those people fall apart at the seams
for underestimating my DiCaprio-like charisma.
I don't need to cheat.
I'll just run on my sterling record
of saying and doing whatever.
I think the media has done a disservice to me
by focusing on my youth, Harvard education,
and mastery of seven languages.
Hello! I also served in Afghanistan
where I held a big gun!
Let's check out that photo again.
- Wow! - That is a big gun!
Nice gun!
Lis Smith, Pete's campaign manager here.
Any questions before we hand out
some of Pete's favorite report cards?
- Pete! - You look like my nephew.
- Hey, Pete! - Yeah, I have a question.
You really think you're qualified to be President
when you're, like, just a mayor?
Hey, let's look at that gun again!
Ooh!
Abort, abort!
I think we should hold our re-election party
at the Javits Center.
Just to really twist the knife into Hillary Clinton...
for old time's sake.
You old softie, you're so sentimental.
Wow, must be a grassroots rally for me.
Always nice to see my name
when it's not being defecated on in a Liveleak video.
Hey, can we add villagers to the big gun photo,
make it seem like there's not a Pizza Hut just out of frame?
Sure, but more importantly,
we have to distract the voters
from realizing that you're an unqualified small-time mayor.
The voters accepted me for being gay.
Surely this isn't beyond the pale.
People love that you're gay!
You're the gay, Christian, liberal, war-loving,
smart guy from Hicktown they've been waiting for.
Pete, I'm your husband, and I love you
not because of your mayoral past,
but in spite of it.
I tell my friends you make a living
pawning stolen Afghani relics.
But if voters focus on the mayor thing,
all they'll see is Bill de Blasio.
Loser!
Sorry, that's like a sneeze.
I can't help it.
They're gonna steal the election
by getting more people to vote for their side than mine!
This is not the America
those Kurds you abandoned fought for.
And the Feds turn a blind eye.
How do we stand a chance
against this kind of brazen election fraud?
Don't worry. We can still count on the Electoral College
to shut all that down.
That stupid Electoral College failed me in the midterms.
I didn't get a single vote.
And that concludes
our Democratic Forum on healthcare.
Thank you, candidates!
That was fun. Nothing like telling
the middle part of a half a dozen anecdotes,
then being declared presidential
because I didn't call the moderator "Nurse".
You called me "nurse".
Several times.
Can we wrap this up? I'm on borrowed time.
Hey, Joe, I was hoping for some advice,
one big-money centrist to another?
See, I'm a mayor, and...
Whoa, whoa, whoa, folks, you're just a mayor?
I thought "Mayor Pete" was an ironic nickname.
I worry this mayor unpleasantness
could distract from my actual qualifications,
like how I order pizza from Little Caesars
in fluent Italian.
Don't worry bout it, kid.
You'll be fine as long as you don't tell anyone
who would betray you in a heartbeat.
Thanks, Joe.
You'll be fine as long as you don't tell anyone
who would betray you in a heartbeat.
- Thanks, Joe. - Start recording!
Pete Buttigieg is nothing but a podunk mayor!
- A mayor, folks! - _
- Spends all day waving on parade floats, - _
announcing snow days, bending over backwards
just to get a new Kohl's to open up on I-31.
Mayor stuff, you know!
Look, if you're a billionaire,
quit giving money to this kid.
Give it to me! I'll do whatever you want!
I'm Joe Biden and I approve this message.
Hey! Get that on TV.
He had to rub it in that the Kohl's deal fell through.
I come to you with grave news, Mr. President.
The Democrats are registering voters,
a clear threat to all that you
and the other Founding Fathers intended.
I ask for your wisdom and guidance.
And I have money if that's what you want.
Dad, don't be a dumb shit.
- How did you find me? - You sent out ten tweets
saying what a dump this church is.
Look, if you want to win again,
don't ask these quiet statue guys for help.
Ask the other guys.
The foreign guys.
It's just I was already impeached
for my perfect call with Ukraine.
Then they'd never suspect
you could be that stupid to collude again, again.
Prove to them you're that stupid, Dad.
If things get rough,
you can always call that Russian lady lawyer
I tried to collude with.
Okay, Don.
I'll collude with the Russians again,
and I'll make sure this election is as insecure
as Chris Christie at a pool party!
Nice burn!
He's not even in public life anymore!
Because I care so much about election security,
I fired the 40 professionals in charge of it
and replaced them with my own crack team.
Say hello to your new Election Security Task Force!
Ben Carson, tell the people
how you're gonna safeguard our elections.
Do we get Election Security Task Force jackets?
Ben, we're convincing the country
we have the elections locked down.
Now I want a jacket.
If you don't get us jackets,
we're all gonna suffocate ourselves.
That's too bad because I'm not getting you jackets.
1989,
Morgan Stanley buys every employee
a fleece jacket with a logo on the breast.
Hand to God, the stock rocketed up a half point.
I assume there was a bag of cocaine in the pocket?
And I assume there'd be one in ours.
- Where is it? - Let's just move on.
Move on after what just transpired?
You listen to me, young man.
Wilbur, I'll give you a billion dollars
if you tell me what year it is.
It's 1989, and Morgan Stanley is the talk of the town.
Well, you're early!
Luckily, I've been shaved and ready to go
since breakf... Pete Buttigieg?
Sorry, thought you were someone else.
I'm always happy to help a promising up-and-comer
being unjustly harmed by a scandal of his own making.
I just don't want voters to focus
on how I'm trying to be President
when I've only ever been a mayor.
Pete, I have been party to acts of darkness
so inconceivable that I hesitate to give them a name.
But jumping from mayor to President?
You're on another level, buddy.
Now, how many people can verify this mayor thing?
I guess all 110,000 citizens of South Bend?
That's way too many suicides to fake.
When you're backed into a corner,
you gotta just stand tall,
look the American people in the eye,
and deny it till your very last breath.
I'm going to say this again:
I have not had mayoral relations with that city.
During this alleged "Mayorship",
I was in Afghanistan,
fighting for people to take pictures of me.
Do you really think Jennifer Aniston
would donate $250 to a mayor?
We need to focus on the issues;
not unfounded rumors that, as mayor,
I once posed with an orange tabby
named Mr. Fatso the Catso on Founder's Day.
What if they find out I'm lying?
The American people love being lied to.
It shows you must care what they think of you.
It's a sick, sexy game, and I do love it so.
I could use some foreign assistance,
but I need a go-between,
so I sent someone very discreet
and careful with his words.
I got this.
Happy to take a break from my divorce proceeding.
She said I get the beach house
if I stop inviting her sisters to go dancing.
I don't think so, sweetheart.
Come to me when you have a real offer.
Go ahead, Rudy.
It's illegal to ask for Russia's help,
so I'm not asking. I'm begging.
I'll do whatever you want.
I'm incapable of debasing myself.
That ship has sailed.
Stay on topic, Rudy.
We could look into some of Trump's opponents' e-mails.
E-mails!
I tried to hack into my soon-to-be-ex-wife's account,
but that AOL is a fortress.
You think your goons could follow her around,
set up some cameras in her tanning bed?
Hey, follow my first two wives around while you're at it.
I'd love to know how they're doing.
This is a top priority, got it?
Okay, now, my second wife, she takes Pilates
down at the Gramercy Park Equinox.
That was perfect, Pete.
Alright, it's time to admit you were a mayor.
What? I just looked the American people
in the eye and denied it.
I know, right? It's messed up,
but the heart of the American people wants what it wants.
Now read the prompter.
Good evening. As you know, a few hours ago,
I denied that I had ever served as a mayor.
- While my answers were... - Oh, my God, this is so great.
... legally accurate, I did not volunteer information.
Disgusting and delicious at the same time.
They are lapping it up, Pete.
Indeed, I did have a mayorship that was not appropriate.
Whoa!
If his husband's fine with it, I'm fine it.
Being a mayor constituted
a critical lapse in judgment
and a personal failure on my part...
- This is so bad! - ... for which I am solely
- and completely responsible. - We are true animals!
But it is in the past and it's time to move on.
Cut! Nailed it, compadre.
What happened to you after your confession?
Remind me because I was busy acing grade school.
Short-term: impeached.
Long-term: borderline criminal tolerance of my behavior.
Russia hacked Elizabeth Warren's e-mails,
but the raciest tidbit was her asking her doctor
if drinking half a beer a year means she has a problem.
We're boned on social media, too.
Every time I post that Hunter Biden
doesn't shave his butthole
my Facebook gets locked.
And to reactivate it, I have to call a phone number!
It sucks so much!
Jesus, who knew stealing an election could be so hard?
It doesn't have to be.
That is so alpha! You're my best friend.
You, me, Vegas, when our schedules line up.
You need to stop bending the rules
and start ignoring them entirely.
I can pass a bill that will deliver you
a win margin that President Assad
- could only dream of. - But what about...
Don't worry about the Democrats.
There's nothing they won't do in the spirit of bipartisanship.
I was actually just gonna ask about election-day snacks,
but that's good, too.
And the Republican-authored
Election Security Bill has passed.
It requires all voting machine servers
to be located somewhere around here.
The President will sign the bill at a special ceremony
at the Javits Center because he thinks it would be funny.
What a win for bipartisanship!
We haven't read the bill yet,
but it's got the word "security" in the title,
so we're confident it'll get the job done.
Looks like it worked! To dump the mayor label,
I just had to give so many head-spinning explanations,
- the voters became car-sick. - _
Great. Now would you stop your little unceasing quest
for power before you turn into Bill Clinton.
I am not going to turn into Bill Clinton.
Matchy-matchy!
It's celebration time.
There's a party jet ready to take us
to an undisclosed Caribbean island,
and it's got your name on it.
- Really? - Not your real name,
just the alias you've been assigned this trip.
That cool with you, Blampton K. Lutherman?
So I got this bill signing soon
and just wanted to see if you're cooking anything up
- for the election. - Why bother!
Now that the fix is in,
the Democrats won't even show up.
You should treat yourself.
Go buy another really, really big suit.
But I really wanted the Democrats to try.
If they already know I'll win,
I might not see them on election night
flailing around like traumatized guppies.
Jesus, what did your father do to you?
Could you scoot over, Dershowitz?
Your knees are touching mine.
Congratulations, Petey.
Visiting infamous island getaways
is the reward for a life of unchecked ambition
and calculated ladder climbing.
Which island are we going to again?
A little place a friend left me in his will.
Don't worry. It's still not clear
which country has legal jurisdiction.
But I built my résumé because I wanted to be President.
Not to fly to creepy islands on private planes.
You were always trying to get on this plane, Pete.
Whenever we acquire power for no reason
other than the delusion that we deserve it,
we take one step closer to that runway.
Almost there.
Everyone pull a burlap sack over your head
so you can't provide the island's coordinates
under interrogation.
Yeah, Bill you don't have to say it every time.
This isn't why I held a big gun!
Surprise!
♪ For he's a two-term President ♪
Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold it, stop!
You should be out there making it look like
this election is still a 50-50 death match
between a bully who's just in it for the money
and me, a scrappy orphan from Brooklyn
with sad puppy eyes and his drunk dad's left hook.
Once you sign the bill, the election's over, numbnuts.
We wanted to have the victory party now,
in case Pompeo pops shrieking at Terry Gross.
- At least my election security task force - _
is still working hard for me.
Election Security task force, ten hut!
Aren't you all looking like a million bucks!
That's because our jackets cost the taxpayer
more than all the furniture in my office combined.
I chose the fabric, Ben chose the font,
and Wilbur Ross reminisced about V.J. Day!
And I chose the stuff in the pockets.
Put that in my lower-third.
I chose the flake.
Yeah!
There's my third.
- Look what daddy did. - _
Read his third.
That shit should be a higher third.
Oh, yeah.
First higher third in the history of the news.
It all means nothing if the election is rigged
and everyone knows it.
I don't want a party or a banner or a cake.
We didn't bring a cake.
You didn't bring a cake?!
I did buy a cake, but I forgot it
on the roof of my car when I drove in.
My rear windshield is delicious.
What happened to your island getaway?
I bailed. But I kept my eyes closed on the way down
so I don't know the island's location
and the Clintons have no reason to silence me.
Good thinking, but we can no longer push you
as the fresh, young outsider
now that you've shared airport nachos
- with Alan Dershowitz. - What a mess.
Chasten, let's go home and stare at the big gun photo.
Actually, my own profile has been blowing up lately.
I'm doing an Instagram story with Carly Rae Jepsen today,
and I really can't be dogged by any Clinton stuff.
Fine. If I'm not needed here,
why don't I just go back to South Bend!
Oh, you can never go back there.
They burn you in effigy every week.
It's actually really brought the town together.
- Today I actually read - _
the so-called "election security bill"
and, as soon as Trump signs it,
the 2020 election is over.
Rather than confront reality,
I will pen the next great American novel.
We begin with a girl named "Rachel",
whose world is bursting into flames.
Okay, this officially sucks, Dad!
My tweets used to get a million replies
saying my dad doesn't love me
and I should swallow my own ass!
Now that the left has given up, my replies are a ghost town.
What if when the ghosts are through with Don,
they come find me?
That's it. I'm not signing the bill.
I just gotta figure out how to tell McConnell.
Tell me what?
- Aah! - Oh, hey.
Oh, you know, Mitch, this bill is so great
that I don't even think we need the bill.
Oh, you don't understand.
You're the most damaged presidential candidate
to ever seek re-election.
You've been impeached, revived ISIS,
and there's a slew of Trump impersonators
earning a handsome living
letting strangers punch them in the face.
Were the insults necessary?
Your feelings mean nothing to me.
My purpose is to secure Republican power
no matter how, why, or what societal foundations
are obliterated in the process.
Donald, you will sign that bill.
Mitch, you dog! Check it out.
I know a guy in Vegas who can get us drugs.
So I give Mary Lou Retton a good solid jolt to the ribs
and a hunk of food flies out of her mouth.
And guess what she was eating the night before she won gold.
Go on, guess.
I know the crowd's light tonight
because everyone thinks the election's in the bag,
but we can still have fun, right?
Spaghetti?
No, you nitwit!
Who chokes on spaghetti?
It was pork chops.
I know a good happy hour tonight.
Hey, you in the back.
You wanna pay attention?
We're custodians, man.
Yeah, we don't have to pay attention.
Hey, shut up!
- That's the President! - You shut up!
No, you shut up!
I'll tear your ass apart ass by ass!
You wanna go? That it, you wanna go?
Anthony, no. Think of your parole.
Fuck my parole!
Penalties are too harsh for spray-painting
"Orgy Headquarters" on your ex-wife's garage.
And we now return to our canbidate town hall in progress.
Hey, just so you guys know,
"candidate" was misspelled in the prompter.
It appears Mayor Bill De Blasio
snuck onto the stage during the commercial break.
What brings you here from the big old apple tree?
I figured I'd just kind of hang around,
let you guys battle it out for the De Blasio endorsement.
Wow, a mayor's endorsement!
I'd rather eat what Bailey left in the yard last night.
"Duhrrr, I'm Mayor De Blasio
and my job is opening new bike lanes".
Hey, Buttigieg, that mayor stuff's behind you.
We've tee'd him up. Now hit it out of the park.
Well, De Blasio, you're nothing but a mayor,
which is a commendable job that's really hard to do.
If you're a dumb loser.
Hey, De Blasio, what's the matter?
Can't get funding for your umpteenth dog park?
You're such a mayor,
I bet you stay up all night
worried your unaudited actual property tax revenue
won't meet the adopted forecast
for the city's fiscal quarter!
Oh!
Kind of a thinker!
This is Natalia Veselnitskaya.
This call may be recorded for incriminating purposes.
Hey, you should make the presidential race
competitive by digging up dirt on Donald Trump.
I'm pretty sure he laundered money for the Russians.
Donald, I know it's you.
You're the only one on Earth who sounds like you.
Damn it!
Oh!
Donald.
Dooonald!
George Washington?
You were an American political leader,
statesman, and Founding Father.
I know you're reading from Wikipedia.
I guess you're angry that I'm trying to deny
millions of Democrats their right to vote.
On the contrary, we founded this country
with the intention of limiting voter turnout
to no more than could fit in a single barn.
I was elevated to the presidency
by an electorate consisting of two dozen landowners
and one alleged libidinous deviant
named Ben Franklin.
Our Ben Franklin is named Alan Dershowitz.
But we concealed this imbalance of power
by weaving into our Constitution a great tapestry of rules,
tricking the common man into believing all was fair.
That tapestry is shredded by Sir McConnell's bill.
But if I don't sign that bill, I'll lose.
Sign that bill and your victory will be a hollow one.
Don't sign, and you may risk defeat
unless you try winning the American way:
by searching the Constitution
for ways to let as few non-white people vote
as possible.
The choice is yours.
Hope that didn't hurt.
Totally fine, sir.
I can't feel a thing from my gums to my toes.
I am! I'm more than a mayor!
At what cost, Pete?
At what cost?
What are you doing here, Bill?
I didn't see anything and, even if I did, I'd never talk.
We had to make an emergency landing
after your little stunt depressurized the cabin.
An FBI plane was on the runway.
Thought they'd arrest us,
but they just asked us for autographs.
My comeuppance just won't come up!
That's pretty fucked up.
Hey, I'm sorry for dragging you on that plane.
When I thought I saw myself in you,
it was just the politically savvy,
ladder-climbing parts.
Not the super cool dude parts.
Thanks. Do you think people will look past all of my deception?
When you show them your flaws, they love you even more.
Speaking as someone who was elected President
with countless rock-solid accusations dogging me,
voters will accept anything, even this.
Found it in your carry-on.
Hope you don't mind if we use it to wipe our fingerprints
off everything we touched in that jet plane.
You spared no expense.
Nice touch to have the monitors replay
the 2016 cable news footage.
They were really thrown.
Remember how, by midnight,
Steve Kornacki was waving a meat cleaver around the office?
Oh, well, let's get this over with so I win.
This bill guarantees that never again
will we endure the stress of not knowing
the final outcome of the presidential election.
Donald Trump...
... has been elected President...
... of the United States?
And I'm not signing it.
I'm vetoing McConnell's bill.
We need election rules that appear fair
so losers try really hard
and feel terrible when they lose.
Do we want to live in a world where they announce
I'm the President as if it's a foregone conclusion,
without that pathetic gasp of soul-crushing terror?
Ah, your beauty is wasted on them, Mitch.
You're an angel in a world that won't let you fly.
I've got the Constitution on my side.
No one understands it
except my legion of maniacally conservative judges,
which means it says whatever I want it to say.
And if Democrats try to steal this election
by getting more people to vote,
I'll win the right way:
by making it as difficult as possible
for them to vote at all!
That's why I refuse to sign this stupid bill.
Crap, I ripped the wrong one.
Does anyone have any Scotch tape?
The Trump administration has announced support
- for a New Voting Rights Act. - _
"All voters must show ID indicating
their bloodline traces back
to one of the seven Mayflower passengers,
and all Miami voting booths are located
in the middle of an active racetrack".
Which, according to the Supreme Court,
is somehow within the bounds of the Constitution.
Okay, who drank all my scotch?
And if you say it was me, you're fired.
Big ups to the Founding Fathers, boys.
They made it so guys like us can gaslight the public
into thinking elections aren't rigged against them.
Is it fair that so many Democratic districts'
polling places are now near active volcanoes?
No, it's not fair, Eric.
It's awesome.
By the way, never go to Vegas with McConnell.
The whole time, he was just on the phone with Elaine Chao,
telling her how much he missed her,
but in, like, a disingenuous performative way.
Speaking of Democrats,
today Pete Buttigieg delivered a speech
from South Bend, Indiana,
that took more than a few of us by surprise.
I was worried voters would never vote
for a mayor as President,
but Bill Clinton's and Donald Trump's
election victories prove that Americans believe
in their democracy,
no matter what kind of power-hungry psycho
it spits out.
If anything, as a mayor, I'm over-qualified.
Which is why I'm announcing my candidacy
for Secretary General of the United Nations.
But enough about me!
This Auto Zone is now open for business!
Trump!
- Synced and corrected by Firefly - - www.addic7ed.com -