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- Synced and corrected by Firefly -
- www.addic7ed.com -
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Malarkey!
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And when asked
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about the coronavirus outbreak in China,
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the president said, "Never heard of her"
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- then used Mike Pompeo's tie as a hankie.
- _
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- In other news, Senator Elizabeth Warren
- _
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continues to climb in the polls,
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securing her place as
an unassailable front runner
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for the Democratic nomination.
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And, Liz, from one
popular kid to another,
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get ready for all your
dreams to come true.
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Danielle from Milwaukee,
it's Elizabeth Warren.
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I just want to thank you for donating $5
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and an undercooked apple strudel.
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We were actually
hoping you might be able
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to scrape up a few more coins.
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Oh you actually need that money back?
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And the pie? I am so sorry
that you got laid off.
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I'm still doing way too well, huh!
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As long you talk about "healing
the nation" or some crap
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and don't mention that six
people have all the money,
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Wall Street'll paint you in gold
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like James Bond's girlfriend.
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You know that actress was
allergic to gold paint
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and died? No joke!
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Folks, you gotta donate to Trump 2020.
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A billion dollars might buy an election,
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but it's not enough to pay my attorneys,
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and I can't be president if I'm in jail!
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So take out a second
mortgage, steal from church,
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let your wife spend one
night with her rich boss,
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because my lawyer's lawyer needs
to make it look like he died.
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- Trump! Trump! Trump!
- Whoo! I don't need insulin this month!
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Sir, good news and bad
news. The good news is
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you've just been named Big
Man On Campus at Arizona State.
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That's what this job's all about.
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And the bad news is your
campaign is less of a campaign
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and more of a lawyer welfare
scheme that's hemorrhaging cash.
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I can't help that my
lawyers bill me by the hour
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and that I spend every
waking hour with my lawyers.
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If we need funds, there's
an untapped gold mine
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of billionaires who own
untapped gold mines.
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But we have to go
West, to Silicon Valley.
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Aah! That's not a plan, Parscale.
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It's suicide.
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California hates my guts.
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They refuse to meet me
halfway on ethnic cleansing.
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But we have no other options!
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The President is right!
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California is hell, and I'd know.
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Ugh. Childhood trauma time.
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I'm gonna dick around on my
phone until he cries funny.
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The year was 2002.
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I'd just started Santa Monica High,
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and I'd never felt more alone.
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The kids called me names
like "Mr. Intolerant"
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and "The Guy Reading Mein Kampf."
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The prom theme was "your
genitals, your choice",
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and our mascot was Norman Lear.
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Make it stop! I'll get
the money anywhere else!
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You can't make me go to
California, you hear me?
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Never!
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I'm gonna give him a head start
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so he thinks we had to
try hard to catch up.
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I repeat, everything I say at this lunch
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is off the record. Got
it? Good. Want a Frito?
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I'm good. You've been licking
your fingers this entire meal.
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Bernie, do you think it would be immoral
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to take money from shadowy Super PACs,
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even if I really, really need it?
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- Yeah, sure!
- But Obama did it,
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and it made him president.
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Oh, Barack Obama, the
gold standard of men,
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our lord and savior! Baloney!
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Is there no issue you
can be chill about?
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One day, it's a couple
bucks from Wall Street.
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The next, you're being
wined and dined by oil barons
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over an opulent lunch at Panera Bread.
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You're right. As a lifelong Democrat
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of the last eight years, I
must stand by my principles.
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Oh, suddenly she's got principles.
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And because I wouldn't dare
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step foot in California,
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I need you buff heroes
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to invest an extra $10 million
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in the deep-fried, all-beef
bullet train that is Trump 2020.
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What do you say, Sheldon
Adelson and Wayne LaPierre?
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_
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_
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And I spent the last of the NRA's money
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buying a second private jet
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so my first private jet
had another jet to talk to.
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But I do everything you
ask. I say nothing about guns
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and way too much about Jewish people.
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_
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Please! I can only introduce
Giuliani to so many loose women
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with huge melons and smoker's lung
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before he starts to demand cash.
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Bernie's right. If I take
money from Wall Street,
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I won't be able to look at
myself in the rearview mirror
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I'm constantly judging
the drivers behind me in.
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Good for you, honey. As history's shown,
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the most honorable
candidate always wins.
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Wowza, that's a spicy fundraising total.
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Just kidding, but really,
Bernie Sanders once again
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00:05:01,185 --> 00:05:03,545
broke his own quarterly
fundraising record.
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Mama Mia, here he goes again?
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Again, just kidding. Sorry.
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That's so unfair.
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Bernie gets to sit on
his high, bedraggled horse
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when he never even has
to worry about money.
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Sure, he has money, but is he happy?
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Enough's enough. I'm not
going to lose this election
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just to maintain my
hot husband's respect.
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Barack, it's Lizzy Warren.
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We're going to Wall Street.
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Sorry, I forgot I have to go through
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like six assistants to talk to him.
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It looks so beautiful from up above
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when you can't see the Mexicans.
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I can still make 'em out.
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Ronald Reagan? You're my
favorite president, I'm told.
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From one punch-line fear monger
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turned dementia-riddled
president to another,
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California's nothing to fear.
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There are just as many racists
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and depraved wealthy
elites in that state.
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How else would I have
gotten elected governor
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and married ingenue Nancy Reagan,
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the sauciest little minx
this side of Laurel Canyon?
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But my supporters can't
see me with Californians.
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They have high standards.
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Anything less than rolling
around like a demented pig,
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and they'll leave me.
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Just get in and get out undetected,
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which coincidentally is what a
certain pencil-skirted wildcat
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used to yell in my face when
we snuck into a closet and...
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- La, la, la! Okay, okay.
- Oh, boy.
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- Enough! I'll go to California.
- Oh, that was really fun stuff.
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Stevie, thanks for coming
with us to California
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even though you have a
wife, and if she looks
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at literally any other
man, you're donezo.
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Here's the plan... We're going
to drop into Silicon Valley,
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suck up their tech bucks, and
get out before they realize
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we've clogged all 70 toilets
in their mega-mansion.
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The fundraiser will be attended
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by these three men of
increasingly small genitalia.
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Elon Musk.
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Mark Zuckerberg.
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And Jeff Bezos.
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Knew it. Gentlemen,
make your peace with God.
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The mission... Operation Take
The Money From The Money People
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And Then We'll Be The
Ones Who Have The Money.
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We're crossing into
Silicon Valley airspace.
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Brace yourselves! There
are In-N-Out worshipping,
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Ayahuasca-slurping
pansexuals everywhere.
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Give me strength, dear God
I only acknowledge on camera.
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Welcome to Hell.
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Thanks for introducing me to
your rich devil friends, Barack.
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I just need a couple
bucks to get through
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00:07:21,827 --> 00:07:24,228
the all-important Kansas
and Guam primaries,
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and then I'm out of the
game. Who's the mark?
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Bloomberg. $52 billion. Good guy.
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Bloomberg? But he's
a Wall Street fat cat
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who sprays his dirty money
all over Washington...
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Oh, right, that's why I'm here.
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Just be calm and show
them you can blend in.
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Alright, you rich bastards!
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It's your worst nightmare,
Elizabeth Frickin' Warren.
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If this goes South, tell
everyone at Arizona State
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I bled maroon and gold
until my final breath.
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- Welcome!
- Welcome!
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Quick, use Pompeo as a human shield!
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It's what he would've wanted!
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Now that you've Netflix
and chilled the "F" out,
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00:08:02,634 --> 00:08:05,435
we're TBH hyped to have you
at my Earth headquarters.
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Really? I thought you guys
wanted to tie my limbs
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to four Cybertrucks and floor
them in different directions.
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We're not really political.
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In fact, some might say
we're dangerously apolitical.
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We're more focused on
making the voters' will
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as obsolete as the floppy disk
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or the employee bathroom break.
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We billionaires have to stick together.
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Scary times, bruh.
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Bruh?
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Now that we swept up all that glass,
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Liz, you know Michael.
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Yes, sorry, it's just
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billionaires make me
uncharacteristically shaky.
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00:08:35,752 --> 00:08:37,432
Then don't think of me as a billionaire.
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Think of me as a loving father
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to 52 billion single dollar bills.
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Sure, whatever. Look, I know
we're technically opponents,
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- but I'm looking to raise...
- Say no more, Elizabeth.
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If I can't win this
race, the least I can do
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is use my money to turn you into me.
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How much do you need?
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00:08:53,212 --> 00:08:55,373
Just enough to rent a
campaign bus for Kansas.
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00:08:55,375 --> 00:08:57,135
Oh, and maybe a driver
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00:08:57,137 --> 00:08:59,377
so I don't have to rehearse
my speeches while navigating.
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Don't be silly. You're taking
my private jet for the weekend.
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00:09:01,942 --> 00:09:03,382
Now, while you're feeling generous,
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00:09:03,384 --> 00:09:05,424
it's called Obama-flix Plus,
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00:09:05,426 --> 00:09:07,307
premium content for
a discerning audience.
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00:09:07,309 --> 00:09:09,149
"If you can dream it,
you can stream it."
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00:09:09,151 --> 00:09:11,151
For the last time, Barack, it's a pass.
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00:09:11,153 --> 00:09:13,394
So I guess you don't
like money. Okay, got it.
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00:09:15,758 --> 00:09:18,119
Let's get the donations and scram.
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00:09:18,121 --> 00:09:20,362
The sealant I had my
wife put on her eyelids
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00:09:20,364 --> 00:09:22,404
so she doesn't see other
men only lasts so long.
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00:09:22,406 --> 00:09:24,006
Not sure if you've noticed,
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00:09:24,008 --> 00:09:26,809
but I'm not in the "other
people's concerns" game.
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00:09:26,811 --> 00:09:28,651
Who knew we had so much in common?
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00:09:28,653 --> 00:09:32,215
Hey, do you also sidestep labor
laws to increase profit margins?
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00:09:32,217 --> 00:09:34,418
Totally yeet. Have you also called
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00:09:34,420 --> 00:09:37,061
a diver rescuing a soccer team
of little boys a pedophile?
219
00:09:37,063 --> 00:09:40,185
No, but I tweeted that
Jane Goodall was a pedophile
220
00:09:40,187 --> 00:09:42,627
after she passive-aggressively
praised democracy
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00:09:42,629 --> 00:09:43,909
in a UN Speech.
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00:09:45,192 --> 00:09:47,513
Gucci. Hey, FYPS,
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00:09:47,515 --> 00:09:49,675
you might wanna check
your super PAC's Venmo.
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00:09:49,677 --> 00:09:51,438
$14 million?
225
00:09:51,440 --> 00:09:52,839
So you can run those ads
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00:09:52,841 --> 00:09:55,522
of Ilhan Omar giving her normal speeches
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00:09:55,524 --> 00:09:58,366
but with scary music underneath.
228
00:09:58,368 --> 00:10:01,850
Oh! Maybe we can make an app
to help you solicit donations.
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00:10:01,852 --> 00:10:04,453
Friends help each other,
according to my friend data.
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00:10:04,455 --> 00:10:07,816
Miller, you know that secret
friendship song we always sing?
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00:10:07,818 --> 00:10:10,700
Teach it to them, and then forget it.
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00:10:11,904 --> 00:10:15,866
I was just in Guam earlier
today, but now I'm here...
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00:10:15,868 --> 00:10:18,949
totally rested and
refreshed, without the stress
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00:10:18,951 --> 00:10:21,192
of going through
regular airport security.
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00:10:21,194 --> 00:10:23,955
- Warren! Warren! Warren!
- Warren! Warren! Warren!
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00:10:23,957 --> 00:10:27,199
I'm usually famished post-rally,
but on the private plane,
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00:10:27,201 --> 00:10:29,562
the flight attendant just
read my body language
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00:10:29,564 --> 00:10:31,123
and brought me scrambled eggs.
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00:10:31,125 --> 00:10:33,566
At this rate, I might lose
my stress-induced facial ticks
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00:10:33,568 --> 00:10:35,649
and actually win this thing.
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00:10:35,651 --> 00:10:38,532
I don't know, honey. Isn't
it wrong to take big money?
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00:10:38,534 --> 00:10:40,895
But think of all the good
I'll do as president.
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00:10:40,897 --> 00:10:42,577
My plans are so solid,
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00:10:42,579 --> 00:10:44,579
Senator McConnell will
have to get onboard.
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00:10:44,581 --> 00:10:46,341
You're right. That man is powerless
246
00:10:46,343 --> 00:10:47,943
before a well-reasoned argument.
247
00:10:47,945 --> 00:10:50,426
Bloomberg, baby doll,
248
00:10:50,428 --> 00:10:52,668
Lizzy's open for business.
249
00:10:52,670 --> 00:10:54,030
I've been spending time
250
00:10:54,032 --> 00:10:56,593
with everyday, hard-working Americans,
251
00:10:56,595 --> 00:10:58,635
like farmers and other simpletons.
252
00:10:58,637 --> 00:11:00,878
But you know who else works hard?
253
00:11:00,880 --> 00:11:04,602
Hedge fund managers and
high-frequency traders.
254
00:11:04,604 --> 00:11:08,366
So I say we raise up the 99%
255
00:11:08,368 --> 00:11:11,450
while making sure the 1% feels included.
256
00:11:11,452 --> 00:11:15,094
Because 99 plus 1 equals 100.
257
00:11:17,979 --> 00:11:21,381
We want Trump! We want Trump!
258
00:11:21,383 --> 00:11:23,944
Facebook, Google, Twitter,
259
00:11:23,946 --> 00:11:25,906
and now... GRIFTYR.
260
00:11:25,908 --> 00:11:28,429
Here to welcome you
aboard this movement,
261
00:11:28,431 --> 00:11:32,354
creator and chief-technology-officer,
Don Trump.
262
00:11:34,118 --> 00:11:37,360
A couple of days ago, someone
came up to me and said,
263
00:11:37,362 --> 00:11:40,083
"Don, I wish there was a convenient way
264
00:11:40,085 --> 00:11:43,847
to support your legal defense
fund, an app, something."
265
00:11:43,849 --> 00:11:46,290
That night, I was
tinkering in my garage,
266
00:11:46,292 --> 00:11:49,133
with the old IBM my daddy
and I built together,
267
00:11:49,135 --> 00:11:52,137
when it came to me... GRIFTYR.
268
00:11:52,139 --> 00:11:54,059
GRIFTYR is the convenient new app
269
00:11:54,061 --> 00:11:56,302
that allows users to conveniently donate
270
00:11:56,304 --> 00:11:59,065
to Don Trump's legal
defense fund conveniently.
271
00:11:59,067 --> 00:12:00,707
With a $30 million
272
00:12:00,709 --> 00:12:03,310
Silicon Valley venture
capital cash infusion,
273
00:12:03,312 --> 00:12:05,112
GRIFTYR cannot fail.
274
00:12:05,114 --> 00:12:08,195
Thank you, thank you.
Together, we will change
275
00:12:08,197 --> 00:12:10,918
the amount of money in my bank account.
276
00:12:15,606 --> 00:12:17,686
Thanks for letting me
borrow these clothes.
277
00:12:17,688 --> 00:12:20,009
I've never worn denim.
It's almost as comfortable
278
00:12:20,011 --> 00:12:22,772
as my usual huge, floppy
businessman's gown.
279
00:12:22,774 --> 00:12:24,494
Hella good news, Mr. Trump,
280
00:12:24,496 --> 00:12:27,538
GRIFTYR was downloaded 5
million times in the first day.
281
00:12:27,540 --> 00:12:29,220
And because none of the users
282
00:12:29,222 --> 00:12:30,901
even looked at the terms and conditions,
283
00:12:30,903 --> 00:12:32,944
we are legally their next-of-kin.
284
00:12:32,946 --> 00:12:35,627
Clap! Clap! Clap!
285
00:12:35,629 --> 00:12:37,589
Nice presentation, Donald!
286
00:12:37,591 --> 00:12:39,271
I can't believe you'd rather hang out
287
00:12:39,273 --> 00:12:41,230
with the richest men
in the world than me,
288
00:12:41,232 --> 00:12:44,153
a 34-year-old in an
ageless goblin's body.
289
00:12:44,155 --> 00:12:47,877
What next... you gonna start
anally absorbing nutrient paste?
290
00:12:47,879 --> 00:12:51,321
Guys, he still absorbs
his nutrient paste orally.
291
00:12:51,323 --> 00:12:53,163
Savage.
292
00:12:53,165 --> 00:12:55,446
- Let's go, cool friends.
- Yes, let's continue
293
00:12:55,448 --> 00:12:58,289
to experience each other
socially somewhere else.
294
00:13:00,294 --> 00:13:03,335
I'm hoping you two
can finally bury the hatchet.
295
00:13:03,337 --> 00:13:05,734
You've sat across from
each other for 20 minutes,
296
00:13:05,736 --> 00:13:07,019
and you haven't said a word.
297
00:13:07,021 --> 00:13:09,502
You're both independents...
You can talk about that!
298
00:13:09,504 --> 00:13:12,506
You know, Bernie, if I roll
around in my sleep enough,
299
00:13:12,508 --> 00:13:14,228
my shirt also gets untucked.
300
00:13:14,230 --> 00:13:16,871
I take it back... This is
not worth the free jambalaya.
301
00:13:16,873 --> 00:13:19,594
I know he'll never replace
a small dollar donor,
302
00:13:19,596 --> 00:13:21,916
but he can take care of my campaign,
303
00:13:21,918 --> 00:13:23,619
and yours, too, if you'll let him.
304
00:13:23,621 --> 00:13:24,960
What do you say, champ?
305
00:13:24,962 --> 00:13:28,124
He cares about the environment,
about gun control...
306
00:13:28,126 --> 00:13:31,007
He cares about Wall Street!!
307
00:13:31,009 --> 00:13:33,330
I am pouring my soup in my pockets
308
00:13:33,332 --> 00:13:34,972
and leaving with my dignity.
309
00:13:36,615 --> 00:13:38,375
Silicon Valley is so great,
310
00:13:38,377 --> 00:13:39,857
I'm thinking of buying some land
311
00:13:39,859 --> 00:13:42,300
and moving my latest
wife and TVs out here.
312
00:13:42,302 --> 00:13:44,200
Actually, it might be time you make like
313
00:13:44,202 --> 00:13:46,785
a warehouse-employee-
on-an-18-hour-shift's bowels
314
00:13:46,787 --> 00:13:48,622
- and evacuate.
- We have to get going
315
00:13:48,624 --> 00:13:49,989
to a global tech conference
316
00:13:49,991 --> 00:13:52,312
for the world's biggest billionaires.
317
00:13:52,314 --> 00:13:54,514
You mind leaving wearing
an Ariana Grande mask
318
00:13:54,516 --> 00:13:56,316
so Grimes can get really jealous?
319
00:13:56,318 --> 00:13:57,958
But then no one will see my face
320
00:13:57,960 --> 00:13:59,280
and know that we're best friends.
321
00:13:59,282 --> 00:14:01,242
- Ooh.
- Ohh, wow. Such cringe.
322
00:14:01,244 --> 00:14:02,603
You didn't know what this was.
323
00:14:02,605 --> 00:14:06,568
Okay, we all put a lot into
appearing like liberal heroes
324
00:14:06,570 --> 00:14:08,811
while secretly puppeteering democracy.
325
00:14:08,813 --> 00:14:10,372
Just because we believe the same things
326
00:14:10,374 --> 00:14:11,654
doesn't mean we can hang out.
327
00:14:12,777 --> 00:14:15,538
Right. Totally.
328
00:14:15,540 --> 00:14:17,581
I just thought you were obsessed with me
329
00:14:17,583 --> 00:14:19,903
because you gave me all those donations.
330
00:14:19,905 --> 00:14:23,147
Oh, that? That's just the amount
of money we collectively make
331
00:14:23,149 --> 00:14:25,350
from now to... now.
332
00:14:25,352 --> 00:14:26,831
For sure. Yeah, no, no.
333
00:14:26,833 --> 00:14:29,074
I don't want to be seen
with you, either. Gross.
334
00:14:29,076 --> 00:14:30,596
Glad we're on the same page.
335
00:14:30,598 --> 00:14:31,997
Definitely on the same page
336
00:14:31,999 --> 00:14:34,440
because I find you guys embarrassing.
337
00:14:34,442 --> 00:14:36,242
- Yep, same here.
- Cool.
338
00:14:36,244 --> 00:14:37,924
So I guess I'll not go hang out
339
00:14:37,926 --> 00:14:40,207
with the richest and most
powerful people in history.
340
00:14:40,209 --> 00:14:41,929
Sounds good. So I'm just gonna go ahead
341
00:14:41,931 --> 00:14:44,932
and put this on... and off you go.
342
00:14:44,934 --> 00:14:49,417
Amazon Prime back to your
cute, little White House.
343
00:14:49,419 --> 00:14:51,460
Hey, hey! If you're so perfect,
344
00:14:51,462 --> 00:14:53,618
why didn't you remember
to line your pockets
345
00:14:53,620 --> 00:14:55,144
with heat-resistant plastic?
346
00:14:55,146 --> 00:14:58,868
Uh, duh, because single-use
plastics are the devil's milk!
347
00:14:58,870 --> 00:15:00,510
And I'd rather burn my upper thigh
348
00:15:00,512 --> 00:15:02,633
than be some kind of
electable capitalist.
349
00:15:02,635 --> 00:15:05,196
How dare you call me "electable."
350
00:15:05,198 --> 00:15:08,399
You know my plans are just
as pie-in-the-sky as yours.
351
00:15:08,401 --> 00:15:11,603
My plans have zero chance
of getting through Congress,
352
00:15:11,605 --> 00:15:13,926
and you know it! We are through!
353
00:15:13,928 --> 00:15:17,089
If you'll excuse me, I have
to find my campaign bus,
354
00:15:17,091 --> 00:15:18,571
which is just an old Volvo
355
00:15:18,573 --> 00:15:20,453
with the windows duct-taped shut.
356
00:15:22,217 --> 00:15:25,699
I smell stuffed crust, so
Pompeo must be nearby.
357
00:15:25,701 --> 00:15:27,621
This place sucks. Let's get out of here.
358
00:15:27,623 --> 00:15:30,064
Oh, did your best
friends run out on you?
359
00:15:30,066 --> 00:15:33,749
Well, maybe you can launch
a new app called... RUNOUTRR,
360
00:15:33,751 --> 00:15:36,672
for presidents who
have been run out upon!
361
00:15:36,674 --> 00:15:39,595
If you must know,
they did run out on me.
362
00:15:39,597 --> 00:15:42,238
Maybe you should launch
an app called Miller-r
363
00:15:42,240 --> 00:15:44,961
for predicting when
presidents get run out upon.
364
00:15:44,963 --> 00:15:47,444
- You still have me, sir.
- Jesus, Pompeo,
365
00:15:47,446 --> 00:15:49,887
your breath smells
like boiled sauerkraut.
366
00:15:49,889 --> 00:15:51,769
Let's just go back to
Washington and forget
367
00:15:51,771 --> 00:15:53,892
that your only friends
now are Russian spies
368
00:15:53,894 --> 00:15:55,213
with discount hair plugs.
369
00:15:55,215 --> 00:15:57,136
I'm going back to Washington.
370
00:15:57,138 --> 00:15:59,899
As punishment for not
protecting me from my feelings,
371
00:15:59,901 --> 00:16:02,622
you're staying in
this sun-kissed hellhole.
372
00:16:02,624 --> 00:16:04,104
You can't leave me here.
373
00:16:04,106 --> 00:16:06,346
This is where my loving parents live!
374
00:16:06,348 --> 00:16:08,228
It's not fair!
375
00:16:08,230 --> 00:16:10,431
I never said it was fair.
376
00:16:10,433 --> 00:16:13,234
I said it was California.
377
00:16:13,236 --> 00:16:14,796
What does that even mean?
378
00:16:14,798 --> 00:16:17,119
Not sure. Sounded right.
379
00:16:22,647 --> 00:16:24,607
With the help of GRIFTYR,
we now have enough cash
380
00:16:24,609 --> 00:16:25,969
to keep you out of prison
381
00:16:25,971 --> 00:16:27,811
and forever imprisoned
in the White House.
382
00:16:27,813 --> 00:16:29,453
Not Silicon Valley cool,
383
00:16:29,455 --> 00:16:31,575
but I guess there's
something to being president.
384
00:16:31,577 --> 00:16:34,018
President is the most
powerful position on earth.
385
00:16:34,020 --> 00:16:35,580
No, it's not, Parscale!
386
00:16:35,582 --> 00:16:37,302
You're thinking of tech billionaires.
387
00:16:37,304 --> 00:16:38,784
They wear sunglasses.
388
00:16:38,786 --> 00:16:40,145
They live in California.
389
00:16:40,147 --> 00:16:42,228
- Heard of it?
- Yes, I've heard of California.
390
00:16:42,230 --> 00:16:45,316
I'll go back to my president
job which devil freak here says
391
00:16:45,318 --> 00:16:47,634
is "the most important
job in the world."
392
00:16:47,636 --> 00:16:50,637
"Look at me... I'm starting
a nuclear holocaust,
393
00:16:50,639 --> 00:16:53,641
like a government cog
in the freaking machine."
394
00:16:53,643 --> 00:16:55,923
Who gives a shit?!
395
00:16:58,608 --> 00:17:01,730
Actually, I'm embarrassed by you guys.
396
00:17:01,732 --> 00:17:04,373
Don't blow up all that
money, Mister Trump.
397
00:17:04,375 --> 00:17:06,896
Those billionaires
are kidding themselves.
398
00:17:06,898 --> 00:17:10,340
They may praise social
responsibility, but deep down,
399
00:17:10,342 --> 00:17:13,504
they're money-hoarding
capitalists like you and me.
400
00:17:13,506 --> 00:17:15,546
Then why are they so embarrassed by me?
401
00:17:15,548 --> 00:17:17,829
I could get any chick at Arizona State.
402
00:17:17,831 --> 00:17:19,270
Because it makes them feel good
403
00:17:19,272 --> 00:17:21,473
to fancy themselves as beyond you.
404
00:17:21,475 --> 00:17:24,276
That's why you need to
expose them for who they are.
405
00:17:24,278 --> 00:17:26,078
But what if everyone laughs at me?
406
00:17:26,080 --> 00:17:27,760
Everyone laughed at me when I said
407
00:17:27,762 --> 00:17:30,603
we should give money and
weapons to Osama Bin Laden,
408
00:17:30,605 --> 00:17:34,167
but my nurses hid the newspapers
and assured me I was right.
409
00:17:34,169 --> 00:17:35,849
I'm starting to realize why,
410
00:17:35,851 --> 00:17:39,213
of Nancy's thousands of
boyfriends, she chose you.
411
00:17:39,215 --> 00:17:42,657
Speaking of, direct that
missile to Clark Gable's estate.
412
00:17:42,659 --> 00:17:46,582
I caught him flirting with the missus.
413
00:17:46,584 --> 00:17:49,705
The whole point is,
O-Flix-P is not for everyone,
414
00:17:49,707 --> 00:17:50,947
and that's what makes it special.
415
00:17:50,949 --> 00:17:52,429
Something wrong, Lizzy?
416
00:17:52,431 --> 00:17:54,551
You've barely touched
your $800 salmon lump.
417
00:17:54,553 --> 00:17:56,433
I thought I'd always do the right thing,
418
00:17:56,435 --> 00:17:59,557
but now I'm not so sure,
and I'm usually pretty vocal
419
00:17:59,559 --> 00:18:01,239
about how sure I am about things.
420
00:18:01,241 --> 00:18:04,082
Just remember, it's what
you do in the brief window
421
00:18:04,084 --> 00:18:06,365
before being corrupted by wealth, power,
422
00:18:06,367 --> 00:18:08,407
and the allure of
premium-content media moguldom
423
00:18:08,409 --> 00:18:10,169
- that matters.
- Thanks, Barack,
424
00:18:10,171 --> 00:18:13,493
and Obama-flix Plus
sounds like a great idea.
425
00:18:13,495 --> 00:18:15,816
Uh, yeah. Of fucking course it does.
426
00:18:15,818 --> 00:18:17,497
Bloomberg says
427
00:18:17,499 --> 00:18:19,019
to get to his place right away.
428
00:18:19,021 --> 00:18:20,941
I think it might be a buy this time.
429
00:18:20,943 --> 00:18:22,703
Eeeeeee.
430
00:18:22,705 --> 00:18:24,826
I said get back,
431
00:18:24,828 --> 00:18:27,669
you compassion-ists! Off
my parents' gorgeous lawn...
432
00:18:27,671 --> 00:18:30,272
- Oh. Hello, Don.
- Don's dead.
433
00:18:30,274 --> 00:18:33,636
Miller, I'm sorry I chose
the billionaires over you.
434
00:18:33,638 --> 00:18:36,920
I realize that, while they are
cooler than you in every way,
435
00:18:36,922 --> 00:18:38,642
you're probably more racist.
436
00:18:38,644 --> 00:18:40,124
And that's what really matters.
437
00:18:40,126 --> 00:18:41,565
Stevie! Invite in your friend.
438
00:18:41,567 --> 00:18:44,168
- Shut the hell up, Dad!
- Will do, sweetie!
439
00:18:44,170 --> 00:18:46,050
Do you see what you've left me with?
440
00:18:46,052 --> 00:18:48,693
They've been shoving ice
water and warm blankets
441
00:18:48,695 --> 00:18:50,415
in my face all week.
442
00:18:50,417 --> 00:18:52,418
Stick with me, and you
will never be welcome
443
00:18:52,420 --> 00:18:55,862
in your parents' home again.
444
00:18:55,864 --> 00:18:58,853
Dad and Mother, stop
reheating the chicken piccata
445
00:18:58,855 --> 00:19:00,747
I threw at the wall last night.
446
00:19:00,749 --> 00:19:02,950
My real dad is taking me home.
447
00:19:02,952 --> 00:19:05,152
Thank you, Mr. and Mrs. Miller!
448
00:19:05,154 --> 00:19:06,995
Sorry, my natural excretions
449
00:19:06,997 --> 00:19:09,958
left an oil slick in your pool.
450
00:19:09,960 --> 00:19:11,960
Quite a turn out for...
451
00:19:11,962 --> 00:19:13,642
what is this, exactly?
452
00:19:13,644 --> 00:19:16,325
We've all been very proud
of your progress, Elizabeth.
453
00:19:16,327 --> 00:19:19,329
There's just one more small
sacrifice we need from you.
454
00:19:19,331 --> 00:19:21,611
A 2% wealth tax is a starting offer.
455
00:19:21,613 --> 00:19:23,774
We all know it's going
to end up at 0.75%.
456
00:19:23,776 --> 00:19:26,577
It will end at zero, or I burn
this country to the ground.
457
00:19:26,579 --> 00:19:28,937
Also, we're ever so
slightly more worried
458
00:19:28,939 --> 00:19:29,981
about Bernie's campaign
459
00:19:29,983 --> 00:19:32,304
to install a dystopian socialist state.
460
00:19:32,306 --> 00:19:34,346
Luckily, we're spreading
a scintillating rumor
461
00:19:34,348 --> 00:19:36,829
that Bernie performed
a bawdy folk music set
462
00:19:36,831 --> 00:19:39,672
at Prince Andrew's birthday
party on Epstein's island.
463
00:19:39,674 --> 00:19:42,516
That's insane... No one
would ever believe that.
464
00:19:42,518 --> 00:19:44,878
Get to the part where you
go all-in on Obama-Flix-Plus!
465
00:19:44,880 --> 00:19:47,401
Ugh. They'll believe it if
you hold a press conference
466
00:19:47,403 --> 00:19:49,924
outside his rally
tonight saying it's true.
467
00:19:49,926 --> 00:19:52,767
And this shocking, aorta-bursting rumor
468
00:19:52,769 --> 00:19:55,370
will get you elected
president by killing...
469
00:19:55,372 --> 00:19:57,733
- Bernie?
- ... Bernie's campaign, silly.
470
00:19:57,735 --> 00:20:00,176
Your private jet is
idling on Fifth Avenue.
471
00:20:02,140 --> 00:20:03,620
How are we going to get past
472
00:20:03,622 --> 00:20:05,902
Worldcon Tech Leadercon security?
473
00:20:05,904 --> 00:20:08,345
I know how to communicate
with these people.
474
00:20:08,347 --> 00:20:10,988
I spent two days
seething behind Elon Musk,
475
00:20:10,990 --> 00:20:15,273
and I gathered his speech
patterns from observance.
476
00:20:15,275 --> 00:20:18,757
TBH, the tea slaps and
is looking like a snarcc.
477
00:20:18,759 --> 00:20:21,961
It must be lit in there,
my VSCO girls and e-boys.
478
00:20:21,963 --> 00:20:25,205
This whole me going
inside thing is a mood.
479
00:20:25,207 --> 00:20:28,809
Deadass. You kings
are going off right now
480
00:20:28,811 --> 00:20:31,092
and looking so fleekly epic.
481
00:20:31,094 --> 00:20:33,935
So wrong answers only,
who is screaming right now
482
00:20:33,937 --> 00:20:36,458
and you simply love to see it?
483
00:20:36,460 --> 00:20:38,500
- What?
- Wait, you're Stephen Miller,
484
00:20:38,502 --> 00:20:40,022
and I have a conscience.
485
00:20:40,024 --> 00:20:41,624
- Let's kick his ass.
- Yeah!
486
00:20:41,626 --> 00:20:42,745
Run, sir!
487
00:20:43,948 --> 00:20:45,108
Yeah! This is where
488
00:20:45,110 --> 00:20:48,311
my Joker tale begins!
489
00:20:48,313 --> 00:20:51,475
And that's when we realized we
could colonize other planets.
490
00:20:51,477 --> 00:20:53,718
- Oooooh.
- It's just from movies,
491
00:20:53,720 --> 00:20:56,000
you unoriginal bastards!
492
00:20:57,884 --> 00:21:02,167
And if you divide 1% by 1%
493
00:21:02,169 --> 00:21:05,091
and multiply that by 1%...
494
00:21:05,093 --> 00:21:07,093
If you just do what Bloomberg asks,
495
00:21:07,095 --> 00:21:08,375
you'll get elected president,
496
00:21:08,377 --> 00:21:10,257
and then you can do so much good.
497
00:21:10,259 --> 00:21:12,940
I just hoped I could change things.
498
00:21:12,942 --> 00:21:15,142
Hope and change? Where
do I know that from?
499
00:21:15,144 --> 00:21:17,465
Is that the name of a
Jane Seymour Quibi vehicle?
500
00:21:19,750 --> 00:21:21,910
Don't you get it, you beautiful doof?
501
00:21:21,912 --> 00:21:25,474
I'm still you in 2008...
naive, in over my head,
502
00:21:25,476 --> 00:21:27,717
and running an inspiring campaign.
503
00:21:27,719 --> 00:21:31,481
I can't be like you in
2020... wise and realistic.
504
00:21:31,483 --> 00:21:33,363
The numerator... You following along?...
505
00:21:33,365 --> 00:21:35,045
Stop this rally!
506
00:21:35,047 --> 00:21:36,727
Elizabeth, what are you doing here?
507
00:21:36,729 --> 00:21:39,370
Come to throw fancy
weighted credit cards at me
508
00:21:39,372 --> 00:21:40,732
like ninja stars?
509
00:21:40,734 --> 00:21:42,574
- Warren, you sellout!
- Boo!
510
00:21:42,576 --> 00:21:45,137
Listen! When Wall Street
asked me to use a lie
511
00:21:45,139 --> 00:21:48,100
so vicious it would destroy
Bernie's campaign...
512
00:21:48,102 --> 00:21:50,543
and maybe even his heart...
I thought to myself,
513
00:21:50,545 --> 00:21:52,866
"This isn't why I got into politics."
514
00:21:52,868 --> 00:21:55,108
Bup-bup-bup-bup-bup-bup.
What was that about my heart?
515
00:21:55,110 --> 00:21:56,710
Just a sec. I realized
516
00:21:56,712 --> 00:21:59,554
being corrupted by
secret money is a choice,
517
00:21:59,556 --> 00:22:02,958
and it's up to people who
have a shred of integrity to...
518
00:22:02,960 --> 00:22:05,561
Wait, you were going to
try and kill Bernie Sanders?
519
00:22:05,563 --> 00:22:06,882
That's not the point of the story.
520
00:22:06,884 --> 00:22:09,565
The point is, money is power...
521
00:22:09,567 --> 00:22:11,047
We should call the police.
522
00:22:11,049 --> 00:22:12,649
And we will. Just let
me say this one thing.
523
00:22:12,651 --> 00:22:15,051
The only way Democrats
will win the White House
524
00:22:15,053 --> 00:22:16,373
is by sticking to our guns
525
00:22:16,375 --> 00:22:18,335
and refusing to take Wall Street money
526
00:22:18,337 --> 00:22:20,818
until the general election!
527
00:22:24,224 --> 00:22:27,185
She's no Danny DeVito,
but she's my friend.
528
00:22:27,187 --> 00:22:29,148
It's great to have you back, Liz.
529
00:22:29,150 --> 00:22:31,705
Yeah, hi, 911? This twitchy lady
530
00:22:31,707 --> 00:22:33,633
just tried to kill Bernie Sanders.
531
00:22:35,397 --> 00:22:38,559
Mr. President, who all of us are
just meeting for the first time,
532
00:22:38,561 --> 00:22:40,761
- what are you doing here?
- We didn't just meet.
533
00:22:40,763 --> 00:22:43,765
We hung out for days.
You funded my campaign.
534
00:22:43,767 --> 00:22:46,127
You even said I was
the most jacked specimen
535
00:22:46,129 --> 00:22:49,251
you'd ever seen complete
four flips on a BMX bike.
536
00:22:49,253 --> 00:22:51,053
Uh-huh. I can't even.
537
00:22:51,055 --> 00:22:54,577
You shouldn't be ashamed of
me because you are me...
538
00:22:54,579 --> 00:22:57,180
friggin' in love with money.
The only difference is
539
00:22:57,182 --> 00:22:59,703
I don't try to convince
the world otherwise
540
00:22:59,705 --> 00:23:02,146
by throwing even a dime to charity.
541
00:23:02,148 --> 00:23:03,828
Heezy's right.
542
00:23:03,830 --> 00:23:06,671
My name is Elon Musk. I'm a billionaire.
543
00:23:06,673 --> 00:23:09,314
My name is Jeff Bezos.
I'm a billionaire.
544
00:23:09,316 --> 00:23:12,598
My name is Mark Zuckerberg.
I'm a billionaire.
545
00:23:12,600 --> 00:23:15,441
My name is Donald Trump,
and don't look into it,
546
00:23:15,443 --> 00:23:17,604
but I'm a billionaire.
547
00:23:17,606 --> 00:23:20,727
Billionaires around the world unite!
548
00:23:20,729 --> 00:23:23,330
♪ We are billionaires ♪
549
00:23:23,332 --> 00:23:26,374
♪ The 0.01% ♪
550
00:23:26,376 --> 00:23:29,017
♪ No more hiding in the shadows ♪
551
00:23:29,019 --> 00:23:32,941
♪ Of our shadow governments ♪
552
00:23:32,943 --> 00:23:35,424
♪ While our politics are different ♪
553
00:23:35,426 --> 00:23:38,948
♪ Our off-shore bank
accounts are the same ♪
554
00:23:38,950 --> 00:23:41,551
♪ So let's treat the world economy ♪
555
00:23:41,553 --> 00:23:44,706
- ♪ The world economy ♪
- ♪ Like it's one big poker game ♪
556
00:23:44,708 --> 00:23:46,797
♪ Like it's one big poker game ♪
557
00:23:46,799 --> 00:23:49,440
- ♪ We are billionaires ♪
- ♪ Billionaires ♪
558
00:23:49,442 --> 00:23:52,644
♪ The great-grandchildren
of billionaires ♪
559
00:23:52,646 --> 00:23:55,407
♪ Let's stand proud and try our best ♪
560
00:23:55,409 --> 00:23:59,051
♪ To lower the minimum wage ♪
561
00:24:01,416 --> 00:24:04,137
Wow, is there anything we can't do?
562
00:24:04,139 --> 00:24:05,819
Hey, who's gonna stop us?
563
00:24:05,821 --> 00:24:08,823
See you guys in our garish
bunkers at the end of the world.
564
00:24:08,825 --> 00:24:10,024
I'll bring the colon paste.
565
00:24:10,026 --> 00:24:11,586
Actually, I'll be on Mars.
566
00:24:11,588 --> 00:24:14,309
But... cool.
567
00:24:14,311 --> 00:24:15,711
Pass the Fritos, Liz!
568
00:24:15,713 --> 00:24:17,312
You got it, Bernie.
569
00:24:17,314 --> 00:24:20,116
I'm so glad to be away
from Bloomberg's sky palace
570
00:24:20,118 --> 00:24:22,799
and back in this drafty
office where I belong.
571
00:24:22,801 --> 00:24:24,681
I'm sorry my supporters
chased you through the streets.
572
00:24:24,683 --> 00:24:26,363
Nice guys, but a little intense.
573
00:24:26,365 --> 00:24:29,086
Yeah, my small-dollar donors
aren't too bad, either.
574
00:24:29,088 --> 00:24:30,728
I will say, though, Bloomberg made
575
00:24:30,730 --> 00:24:32,610
some pretty persuasive arguments
576
00:24:32,612 --> 00:24:34,733
for gutting Medicare For All.
577
00:24:44,199 --> 00:24:45,719
Good luck with that.
578
00:25:43,934 --> 00:25:45,934
Trump!