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- Synced and corrected by Firefly -
- www.addic7ed.com -
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- Mr. President, sir!
- Mr. President! Mr. President!
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- Mr. President!
- Over here, Mr. President!
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Wow, is this coronavirus great or what?
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You get to work from home
in your pajamas, watching TV,
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sweating down to your couch springs,
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coughing like you got three
tennis balls in your lungs.
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What an exciting time
to be barely alive.
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Okay, Pence, you're up.
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In troubling times, I find
comfort in the Good Book.
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Bored. Okay.
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I assume there aren't any questions.
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What can the American
people do to stay safe?
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First, stop voting for
Joe Biden in the primaries.
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Those ballots are Petri dishes.
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And second, wash your
hands thoroughly like I do,
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by scrubbing them in freezing-cold water
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long enough to recite
your screaming match
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with Tony Little at the Palm in '92.
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Have you been tested for the virus?
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No need. Sure, I've shaken hands
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with several dozen people
who are now quarantined,
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but the surgeon general
gave me a pregnancy test
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and said I'm in the clear.
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Side note... Until
the threat has passed,
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the CDC is advising people
to avoid shaking hands
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or checking their 401s.
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Are you at all worried that the outbreak
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will further destabilize the markets?
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Hello, the markets are
supposed to jump up and down.
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That just means they're excited!
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And now my treasury secretary
will put your mind at ease.
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Don't worry. We're doing a tax cut
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to help all the average
Americans out there,
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from the guy who operates
my private elevator
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to the gal who pumps pig
fat into my wife's forehead.
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Whoo! Now we're having fun!
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Oh, by the way, I know a lot
of festivals are shutting down,
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so I'm proud to announce
that I'll be hosting
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my own Coachella on the South Lawn!
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Mark McGrath is a hard maybe.
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When can we expect a vaccine?
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As soon as we figure out a
way to funnel all the money
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we funneled out of the CDC back into it.
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Alright, I think we're good here.
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Ted Cronaviruz!
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A sewage pipe burst at my
place, so I'm quarantining here!
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Hey, look! Coronavirus
gets you so sweaty,
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you can shake yourself
dry like a big, fluffy dog!
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Okay, apocalypse time.
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Every man for himself.
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Oh, thanks for nothing, assholes!
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Beautiful Camp David, USA.
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Tons of amenities... a
world-class golf course,
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two pools clogged with my body hair,
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and a trampoline with a
big hole ripped through it
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that was like that when I got here.
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Perfect place for a G-7 summit.
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Pompeo here will fetch
you anything you need.
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I am thrilled to be a
part of this historic,
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fun-tastic weekend
in the great outdoors.
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I'd say the only thing
that could make this
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even more historic is if we let...
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- No.
- Let me finish.
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- If we let Russia...
- No.
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Let me finish, damn it.
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If we let Russia re-join the G-7!
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- No.
- No.
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We voted Russia out of the summit
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back in 2014 with the
support of Barack Obama.
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But nothing Obama did really counts,
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except for when he wrecked the economy
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and mugged that lady in Central Park.
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Ugh. I'm so bored, I'd
rather wait in the car
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while Melania gives birth again.
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They'll never understand guys like us...
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cool, buff, mercilessly
powerful underdog outcasts.
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Come hang here! It's me, Assad,
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Bolsonaro, MBS, and Erdogan.
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We're gonna carve up a
globe like a watermelon.
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I can't. These G-7
squares will yell at me.
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Alright, suit yourself.
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Hey, use the bathroom upstairs.
The one down here is tricky.
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Putin?
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Okay, gotta go.
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You're right. I would
beat Dog the Bounty Hunter
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in a bare-knuckle boxing match. Bye.
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While Trump is off stickin' it
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to those pro-world-peace globalists,
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I'm planning the Republican
National Convention.
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All we need is a kickass speech
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introducing the President courtesy of...
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Thank you, but I really
speak for women everywhere...
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- Don Jr.
- Haha.
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Got your ass, Ivanka.
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You sure did, champ.
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What? He's not the champ.
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- I'm the champ.
- Not according to the polls.
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Whoa, a iPad.
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When we asked Republicans
who they'd most likely support
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in a future presidential run,
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the overwhelming answer was Don Jr.
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Him? But I'm America's
unimaginably wealthy sweetheart.
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00:04:04,229 --> 00:04:05,868
Blue-collar voters just don't trust
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someone who has never drunk-driven
a riding mower to work.
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I should've known this G-7 would
be a bunch of cliquey leaders
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gossiping about the
economic fate of the world.
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A destabilizing pandemic
like coronavirus
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makes the world more
vulnerable to authoritarianism.
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Hello? I'm right here.
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It's no Eton Dining Castle
for Hungry Little Rich Boys,
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but I quite like it here.
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Back in London,
everyone always complains
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my ideas are a stepping
stone to ethnic cleansing.
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That never happens to me where I'm from.
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I wanna go home.
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Why don't you go back
to Washington, then?
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Everyone will think
I'm a big baby, and I'm not.
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I'm not a baby, Boris.
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Cheer up, you git. Aren't you excited
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for the big rip-roarin'
G-7 luncheon tomorrow?
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Well, I like lunch, but luncheon?
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I don't know, sounds kinda Jewish.
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My father, and our next president,
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Donald J. Trump.
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Ivanka, I hate seeing you like this.
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You look like you just
overheard one of the kids
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00:05:08,764 --> 00:05:10,165
calling the nanny "Mom" again.
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I just can't believe that poll.
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I was destined to make history
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as America's first
classically hot president.
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If you really want to
compete with Don Jr.,
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you'll need to do some research.
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- I found it wedged into the crawlspace
- _
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in one of my rental properties.
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We get a lot of destitute perverts
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living in the walls of those things.
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Ew, Jared. No way am I taking advice
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from a book without a
picture of me on the cover.
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To compete with Don Jr.,
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you need to start plotting
your next move now.
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First the RNC, then the Presidency,
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and then I'll be the one
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giving the Saudis permission
to use the bone saw.
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I'm not going to stoop
to his level, Jared.
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Besides, half of Don Jr.'s
fans will probably be dead
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from ATV jousting by 2020 anyway.
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What the hell is this?
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I've barfed up more appetizing meals
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onto my plastic dinner-poncho.
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Settle down, Mr. Trump.
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This is the German
asparagus delicacy "spargel".
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Ugh! It reeks, and not in a
good KFC-on-an-airplane way.
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Please, Mr. Trump.
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Such blatant cultural
insensitivity has no place
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anywhere except a Halloween party.
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Get off my back, Trudeau.
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Boys, behave yourselves.
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Why are you yelling at me?
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I didn't even do anything, Mom.
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- I mean...
- Oh, my God. Did you just call her Mom?
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Baby wants his mom.
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That's way worse than blackface.
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We want Trump! We want Trump!
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Arrrr, hmm.
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Cowl neck cashmere cardigan
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consumed by fiery factory fire.
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Those dusty farmhands are
going to lap up my soliloquy
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like whatever flavor San Pellegrino
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sells best at the local honky-tonk.
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We want Trump!
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Hello, fellow warrior queens!
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Joe Biden is a big, fat chode.
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He should legally have to
change his name to "Chode Biden".
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But you know what I'm sick and tired of?
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Joe Biden always trying
to change his name
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to "Chode Biden" on the taxpayer dime.
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Joe Biden will never understand
the struggle of working moms...
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Let the boy one talk!
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Check out "Triggered".
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For sale wherever the truth is sold.
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And how about my GF Kimberly,
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the most hottest woman
onstage right now?
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These high heels are made
from non-recyclable plastic.
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Hahaha! Oh, sweet! Head shot!
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Look alive, Jared. We have work to do.
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And so, the malnourished
children of Burkina Faso...
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Hey, Putin, I'm not
making friends at the G-7
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like you said I would.
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No one liked my Shinzo Abe impression.
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Be a brave little puppet and...
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Haha, guys, cut it out.
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Gaddafi gave me that sword.
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Sorry. The guys are letting
loose after a long week
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of having their will
enforced at gunpoint.
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Wish you could join,
but y'know, don't want
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Justin Trudeau to be
disappointed in you.
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Alright, bye...
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Wait, what if you guys come party here?
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I'll even let you borrow my military.
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You can invade Spain for all I care.
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Hmm. Let me ask the guys.
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00:07:58,598 --> 00:08:00,838
Hey, Trump wants us to
come over to Camp David.
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00:08:00,840 --> 00:08:02,559
Ah, what's the harm?
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00:08:02,561 --> 00:08:06,123
My girlfriend Lindsay Lohan says
he's pretty funny on Twitter.
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00:08:06,125 --> 00:08:07,964
Okay, Donald, fill up a tub. We're in.
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00:08:07,966 --> 00:08:09,646
Yes. Try to get here by eight.
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00:08:09,648 --> 00:08:11,407
- That's when Tucker's on.
- Who gives a...
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00:08:11,409 --> 00:08:13,049
My real friends are on their way,
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00:08:13,051 --> 00:08:16,212
and I'm taking your precious
German sparkles with me.
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00:08:16,214 --> 00:08:17,573
B-b-b-b-b-bad.
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00:08:17,575 --> 00:08:19,890
Ah, shit, I dropped the sparkles.
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00:08:21,859 --> 00:08:24,379
Because the G-7 leaders
refuse to work toward
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00:08:24,381 --> 00:08:26,421
our shared goal of doing what I want,
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00:08:26,423 --> 00:08:28,903
I am withdrawing the
United States from the G-7
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and founding a new summit
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only for leaders who are tough, cool,
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00:08:32,308 --> 00:08:35,028
and don't yell at me,
Bolsonaro, Bin Salman,
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00:08:35,030 --> 00:08:38,127
Assad, Erdogan, and
Vladimir Putin of Russia,
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00:08:38,129 --> 00:08:39,713
and I guess, pretty soon, Spain.
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00:08:39,715 --> 00:08:43,196
Our new summit is one billion
times better than the G-7,
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00:08:43,198 --> 00:08:44,797
so we're calling it...
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00:08:44,799 --> 00:08:46,799
the G-A Million!
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No questions? Great.
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00:08:48,282 --> 00:08:50,362
Last one to the clubhouse
is a rotten immigrant.
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00:08:50,364 --> 00:08:52,004
- Not it! Not it!
- No cheating!
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00:08:52,006 --> 00:08:54,045
Also, Angela Merkel
accidentally called me "mom"
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in a meeting yesterday,
and it was hilarious.
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Okay, so we missed
Tucker by eight hours,
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00:08:59,933 --> 00:09:02,693
but luckily Bill Hemmer's
anchoring daytime today...
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00:09:02,695 --> 00:09:05,296
Yeah, yeah. Yo, Vlad, we
missed you at Mugabe's funeral.
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00:09:05,298 --> 00:09:07,618
I sent a card. I just
felt weird, y'know...
233
00:09:07,620 --> 00:09:09,940
Robert and I kind of
drifted apart toward the end.
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00:09:09,942 --> 00:09:12,222
That's how it was with me and Saddam.
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00:09:12,224 --> 00:09:14,143
One day, he's your hero, the next,
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00:09:14,145 --> 00:09:16,666
you're skipping his funeral
to assassinate a critic.
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00:09:16,668 --> 00:09:20,469
I'm usually not invited
to other people's funerals.
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00:09:20,471 --> 00:09:22,751
Donald, maybe tell us all
about the military coup
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00:09:22,753 --> 00:09:25,531
- that brought you to power?
- I've gotten like really close
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00:09:25,533 --> 00:09:27,435
but I've never done
war, unless you count
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00:09:27,437 --> 00:09:29,557
getting your tie stuck
in a soft serve machine,
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00:09:29,559 --> 00:09:32,241
which, yeah, doesn't count, I guess.
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00:09:33,356 --> 00:09:35,618
Ivanka? The kids keep asking for Mommy,
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00:09:35,620 --> 00:09:36,924
and Consuela's not
picking up her phone...
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00:09:36,926 --> 00:09:38,725
Shh. I'm studying.
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00:09:38,727 --> 00:09:41,685
Barack Obama said there's no magic wand
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00:09:41,687 --> 00:09:43,049
to raising the GDP.
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00:09:43,051 --> 00:09:46,252
Well, guess what? Abracadabra, baby.
249
00:09:46,254 --> 00:09:49,535
Well, guess what? Abracadabra, beeyotch.
250
00:09:49,537 --> 00:09:51,577
Beeyotch! Beeyotch! Beeyotch!
251
00:09:51,579 --> 00:09:54,419
Beeyotch! Beeyotch! Well, guess what?
252
00:09:54,421 --> 00:09:58,023
The GDP make me horny, baby. Yeah.
253
00:09:58,025 --> 00:10:00,104
You were right all along, Jared.
254
00:10:00,106 --> 00:10:03,868
If I want to defeat Don
Jr., I must become him.
255
00:10:03,870 --> 00:10:05,467
Give me the book.
256
00:10:06,512 --> 00:10:10,674
♪ Slick your hair back, go on Hannity ♪
257
00:10:10,676 --> 00:10:12,395
♪ Give a retweet ♪
258
00:10:12,397 --> 00:10:14,901
♪ To an anti-Semitic conspiracy theory ♪
259
00:10:14,903 --> 00:10:17,082
- ♪ Becoming Don Jr. ♪
- ♪ I'm becoming Don Jr.! ♪
260
00:10:17,084 --> 00:10:19,402
- ♪ Becoming Don Jr.! ♪
- ♪ I'm becoming Don Jr.! ♪
261
00:10:19,404 --> 00:10:20,603
- ♪ Becoming Don Jr.! ♪
- ♪ Whoa ♪
262
00:10:20,605 --> 00:10:21,964
♪ Becoming Don Jr.! ♪
263
00:10:21,966 --> 00:10:24,766
♪ I'm becoming Don Jr., yeah! ♪
264
00:10:27,251 --> 00:10:29,691
Abracadabra, baby.
265
00:10:32,776 --> 00:10:35,416
I once sat on that log with Dan Bongino
266
00:10:35,418 --> 00:10:37,298
and gabbed until sunrise.
267
00:10:37,300 --> 00:10:38,888
Where do you all gab with Bongino?
268
00:10:38,890 --> 00:10:40,633
Mr. President, sir. Any comment
269
00:10:40,635 --> 00:10:43,308
on claims from Senate Democrats
that your G-7 withdrawal
270
00:10:43,310 --> 00:10:45,865
is a, "Touring cast of
Hamilton-level disappointment"?
271
00:10:45,867 --> 00:10:47,387
How 'bout this for a comment...
272
00:10:47,389 --> 00:10:49,949
I'm hereby revoking your press pass.
273
00:10:49,951 --> 00:10:51,150
Now am-scray.
274
00:10:51,152 --> 00:10:53,232
Today is turning out to be a doozy.
275
00:10:53,234 --> 00:10:55,834
So was he a close friend of yours?
276
00:10:55,836 --> 00:10:57,756
That was quite a love-fest.
277
00:10:57,758 --> 00:11:00,398
What are you talking about?
I ruined his whole afternoon.
278
00:11:00,400 --> 00:11:04,642
Guys, I'm sure Donald will melt
that journalist's bones into goo
279
00:11:04,644 --> 00:11:07,044
when he least expects
it... right, Donald?
280
00:11:07,046 --> 00:11:09,006
Yeah, yeah. I'm one of you.
281
00:11:09,008 --> 00:11:12,169
Hey, did you see the latest
issue of "Dictator Digest"?
282
00:11:12,171 --> 00:11:14,171
What the fuck is he talking about?
283
00:11:14,173 --> 00:11:16,813
It went out of print four years ago.
284
00:11:16,815 --> 00:11:19,015
- Hannity!
- I'm Sean Hannity, and I don't
285
00:11:19,017 --> 00:11:21,537
like the look your Puerto Rican
nurse just gave you, either.
286
00:11:21,539 --> 00:11:23,122
Let's bring in our special guest.
287
00:11:23,124 --> 00:11:25,819
- Oh! Ivanka! I like the new look.
- _
288
00:11:25,821 --> 00:11:28,824
It's like you and your
brother finally had sex.
289
00:11:28,826 --> 00:11:30,745
Thanks, Sean. The way working moms
290
00:11:30,747 --> 00:11:32,347
are treated in this country makes,
291
00:11:32,349 --> 00:11:34,349
uh, does not make me horny, baby?
292
00:11:34,351 --> 00:11:37,284
Sweet Irish Jesus, saying "working moms"
293
00:11:37,286 --> 00:11:39,313
on my show is ratings poison.
294
00:11:39,315 --> 00:11:41,395
Get Stephen Miller on, stat.
295
00:11:41,397 --> 00:11:43,757
I'm here, I'm here.
296
00:11:43,759 --> 00:11:46,199
Loading undocumented immigrants
onto trains out of town
297
00:11:46,201 --> 00:11:49,923
will be a boon to white Americans
and Amtrak conductors!
298
00:11:49,925 --> 00:11:52,805
You're speakin' my language
Stephen Miller, English!
299
00:11:55,810 --> 00:11:58,490
And that's how you tell
apart Fox News's Bill Hemmer
300
00:11:58,492 --> 00:12:01,293
from Fox News's Pete Hegseth.
It's all in the eyes.
301
00:12:01,295 --> 00:12:03,214
So you guys wanna watch them, or what?
302
00:12:03,216 --> 00:12:06,778
Not after you just spent the
past four hours describing them.
303
00:12:06,780 --> 00:12:09,076
'Scuse me! I'm back at Camp David
304
00:12:09,078 --> 00:12:12,303
to demand that the President
reinstate my press pass at once.
305
00:12:12,305 --> 00:12:13,784
Please, Mr. President,
306
00:12:13,786 --> 00:12:15,946
that and a back support
belt is all I have.
307
00:12:15,948 --> 00:12:17,813
Why are his bones not goo?
308
00:12:17,815 --> 00:12:19,638
Oh, uh, hey, let's have a contest
309
00:12:19,640 --> 00:12:22,151
to see who can say the meanest
thing about Rosie O'Donnell.
310
00:12:22,153 --> 00:12:24,393
I'll start... What a loser.
311
00:12:24,395 --> 00:12:26,350
Maybe we should head back to Moscow.
312
00:12:26,352 --> 00:12:27,396
- Yeah.
- Let's go.
313
00:12:27,398 --> 00:12:29,198
No, no, you... you can't leave.
314
00:12:29,200 --> 00:12:30,789
- Ugh.
- Hey, let us by,
315
00:12:30,791 --> 00:12:31,960
Mr. Chunky Stuff.
316
00:12:31,962 --> 00:12:33,722
Great work today, G-7.
317
00:12:33,724 --> 00:12:36,804
I can't wait to share my
new Greek austerity plan.
318
00:12:36,806 --> 00:12:38,286
- Slay, kween.
- Sounds nice.
319
00:12:38,288 --> 00:12:40,728
You know what's even
better than a real war?
320
00:12:40,730 --> 00:12:42,409
A prank war.
321
00:12:42,411 --> 00:12:43,971
B-b-b-b-b-bad.
322
00:12:47,296 --> 00:12:48,735
Last night, while you were asleep
323
00:12:48,737 --> 00:12:50,662
and I was alone in
our large, dark kitchen
324
00:12:50,664 --> 00:12:51,978
trying to feel anything at all,
325
00:12:51,980 --> 00:12:55,101
I read Don Jr.'s book,
and it was so engaging.
326
00:12:55,103 --> 00:12:56,823
If you start complimenting my brother,
327
00:12:56,825 --> 00:12:59,345
I'll start planning a wedding
to Tom Brady in my head.
328
00:12:59,347 --> 00:13:02,828
Like Trump supporters, Don
Jr. is incredibly angry,
329
00:13:02,830 --> 00:13:05,630
so when it comes spewing
out, they connect with him.
330
00:13:05,632 --> 00:13:08,393
The bridesmaids will wear violet.
331
00:13:08,395 --> 00:13:11,979
If only you had some old wound
to call upon to make you angry,
332
00:13:11,981 --> 00:13:14,157
but, alas, you're just
the perfect woman...
333
00:13:14,159 --> 00:13:15,879
The ski trip.
334
00:13:18,003 --> 00:13:19,443
I didn't charge a ski trip
335
00:13:19,445 --> 00:13:21,290
to our bullshit children's charity
336
00:13:21,292 --> 00:13:22,846
for you two to not compete.
337
00:13:22,848 --> 00:13:25,288
Last one down the hill has to
be a father figure to Eric.
338
00:13:25,290 --> 00:13:26,409
Ivanka wins.
339
00:13:26,411 --> 00:13:28,611
Yay! I won!
340
00:13:28,613 --> 00:13:30,572
Bad news, Junior... your punishment
341
00:13:30,574 --> 00:13:33,975
is it'll be your fault when
I cheat on your mom... Junior?
342
00:13:33,977 --> 00:13:35,217
Haha! Get it?!
343
00:13:35,219 --> 00:13:37,339
- I've given him a penis!
- Awesome!
344
00:13:37,341 --> 00:13:38,540
Nice work, champ.
345
00:13:38,542 --> 00:13:41,462
But I won! Daddy!
346
00:13:41,464 --> 00:13:43,492
He's. Not. The. Champ.
347
00:13:43,494 --> 00:13:45,306
I'm. The. Champ!
348
00:13:45,308 --> 00:13:47,480
And the libtards in the mainstream media
349
00:13:47,482 --> 00:13:49,218
refuse to talk about it!
350
00:13:49,220 --> 00:13:50,630
Yes! Now let's get you
351
00:13:50,632 --> 00:13:53,873
somewhere a corn dog counts
as a serving of vegetables.
352
00:13:57,198 --> 00:13:59,368
"Chancellor Merkel
spent taxpayer dollars
353
00:13:59,370 --> 00:14:01,899
on high-end, designer muted flats"?
354
00:14:01,901 --> 00:14:03,573
"Anonymous source reveals
355
00:14:03,575 --> 00:14:06,244
French President's
urine-guzzling fetish"?
356
00:14:06,246 --> 00:14:07,861
"Dozens of new Trudeau
357
00:14:07,863 --> 00:14:09,447
blackface photos uncovered"?
358
00:14:09,449 --> 00:14:11,089
There should be only one dozen.
359
00:14:11,091 --> 00:14:12,968
Who would spread such rumors?
360
00:14:14,974 --> 00:14:16,734
"Guzzling" is a funny word.
361
00:14:16,736 --> 00:14:19,776
We've been pranked by the G-A Million.
362
00:14:22,101 --> 00:14:23,892
There's no better feeling
363
00:14:23,894 --> 00:14:26,462
than exerting force over
people you barely know,
364
00:14:26,464 --> 00:14:29,785
when they least expect
it, for no reason at all.
365
00:14:29,787 --> 00:14:32,668
Donald, you're one of
us now. I had this made
366
00:14:32,670 --> 00:14:35,831
from part of a melted-down
Armenian Genocide memorial.
367
00:14:35,833 --> 00:14:38,393
Now we'll be bonded
forever. You go first.
368
00:14:38,395 --> 00:14:40,435
Okay, just do it on the part of my ass
369
00:14:40,437 --> 00:14:42,477
that's already callused from misuse.
370
00:14:43,800 --> 00:14:48,484
My ass fat smells so good!
371
00:14:52,247 --> 00:14:54,367
Hello, Arizona.
372
00:14:54,369 --> 00:14:56,409
I'm Ivanka Trump.
373
00:14:56,411 --> 00:14:58,251
Uh, okay.
374
00:14:58,253 --> 00:15:02,735
And you can pry my liberty
out of my cold dead hands.
375
00:15:02,737 --> 00:15:05,337
Oh, and there's only
one gender... men...
376
00:15:05,339 --> 00:15:09,301
and only one holiday...
Jesus Christ-mas.
377
00:15:12,265 --> 00:15:14,826
Whoa, she's really
speaking truth to power.
378
00:15:14,828 --> 00:15:16,867
But she's stealing my whole vibe.
379
00:15:16,869 --> 00:15:18,869
But she's doing a killer job at it.
380
00:15:18,871 --> 00:15:21,472
But it's at my expense.
381
00:15:21,474 --> 00:15:24,795
Gah, I hate this and I love this.
382
00:15:28,600 --> 00:15:30,880
The doctor says I'll never sit again,
383
00:15:30,882 --> 00:15:33,122
but you can't put a
price on camaraderie.
384
00:15:33,124 --> 00:15:34,721
President Trump, it's Chuck Todd.
385
00:15:34,723 --> 00:15:36,165
You better reinstate my press pass,
386
00:15:36,167 --> 00:15:38,447
or else you're bus...
you're brust... busted.
387
00:15:38,449 --> 00:15:42,771
Donald, what do we do with journalists?
388
00:15:42,773 --> 00:15:44,872
Excuse me, gentlemen,
389
00:15:44,874 --> 00:15:46,612
I can't report the news from in here!
390
00:15:46,614 --> 00:15:48,122
What are you going to do with his limbs?
391
00:15:48,124 --> 00:15:49,897
Wait, don't tell me... I
want it to be a surprise.
392
00:15:49,899 --> 00:15:51,849
I'll probably just keep him in the shed.
393
00:15:51,851 --> 00:15:53,340
Ahhh, and set fire to it.
394
00:15:53,342 --> 00:15:55,862
And when the firemen show up,
their hoses shoot more fire!
395
00:15:55,864 --> 00:15:57,504
- You're twisted, man.
- Nah.
396
00:15:57,506 --> 00:15:59,906
See, if I do that, people
will start yelling at me,
397
00:15:59,908 --> 00:16:01,748
then I won't be able to hear the TV,
398
00:16:01,750 --> 00:16:04,430
then I'll turn up the TV, and
then they'll just yell louder.
399
00:16:04,432 --> 00:16:06,945
Next thing I know, I've missed
Tucker and Hemmer.
400
00:16:06,947 --> 00:16:08,594
Right, guys?
401
00:16:08,596 --> 00:16:10,916
Bill Hemmer's a real class act.
402
00:16:14,601 --> 00:16:16,561
It's "The View" with a fifth cast member
403
00:16:16,563 --> 00:16:18,946
that, by the time you finish
saying "Who the F is that?"
404
00:16:18,948 --> 00:16:20,020
she's gone.
405
00:16:20,022 --> 00:16:23,287
Let's jump back in with Ivanka Trump!
406
00:16:23,289 --> 00:16:26,089
And then I realized, it's not my problem
407
00:16:26,091 --> 00:16:28,932
if my patriotism triggers snowflakes.
408
00:16:28,934 --> 00:16:30,573
Excuse me, I'm talking.
409
00:16:30,575 --> 00:16:33,936
As a fellow strong,
independent daddy's girlboss,
410
00:16:33,938 --> 00:16:37,325
I must say something
about this "new Ivanka".
411
00:16:37,327 --> 00:16:38,861
Ooooooh!
412
00:16:38,863 --> 00:16:41,823
What you say at those
rallies is completely true...
413
00:16:41,825 --> 00:16:43,945
but I would never say so out loud.
414
00:16:43,947 --> 00:16:46,708
Republicans aren't a party
of insults and cursing...
415
00:16:46,710 --> 00:16:49,590
Okay, wow, I'm talking!...
We're a party of politeness
416
00:16:49,592 --> 00:16:52,273
and legal discrimination...
I said I'm talking!
417
00:16:52,275 --> 00:16:53,914
I'm disappointed in you,
418
00:16:53,916 --> 00:16:55,636
and I know this is going to sting,
419
00:16:55,638 --> 00:16:59,079
but I think my father would
be disappointed in you, too.
420
00:16:59,081 --> 00:17:00,682
Ooooooh!
421
00:17:02,361 --> 00:17:04,624
Now that Chuck
Todd is locked in a shed...
422
00:17:04,626 --> 00:17:06,248
the worst thing that
can happen to someone...
423
00:17:06,250 --> 00:17:07,766
how 'bout we celebrate with the toughest
424
00:17:07,768 --> 00:17:10,169
tough guy activity there is... golf.
425
00:17:10,171 --> 00:17:11,650
How can you think about golf
426
00:17:11,652 --> 00:17:13,492
when there's so much work to be done?
427
00:17:13,494 --> 00:17:15,093
Now that you've locked up a journalist,
428
00:17:15,095 --> 00:17:16,895
you have to shut down the free press.
429
00:17:16,897 --> 00:17:19,187
Bribe the courts into
changing the constitution,
430
00:17:19,189 --> 00:17:21,339
then prepare to quash
the inevitable uprising.
431
00:17:21,341 --> 00:17:24,261
Then fix the election,
quash the uprising,
432
00:17:24,263 --> 00:17:26,864
fix the election,
quash the... You get it.
433
00:17:26,866 --> 00:17:29,346
How do you still have time
to watch "Fox and Friends"?
434
00:17:29,348 --> 00:17:31,602
Oh, Trumpy. As far as free time,
435
00:17:31,604 --> 00:17:34,143
every morning, I ride
my horse at a full sprint
436
00:17:34,145 --> 00:17:36,020
for however long it takes to snap a leg
437
00:17:36,022 --> 00:17:37,233
and that's pretty much it.
438
00:17:37,235 --> 00:17:39,955
- I haven't watched TV in years.
- What?!
439
00:17:39,957 --> 00:17:43,027
- Ivanka! Ivanka! Ivanka!
- Don't let them define you.
440
00:17:43,029 --> 00:17:44,965
You can be a flag-humping racist
441
00:17:44,967 --> 00:17:46,521
and a working mom,
442
00:17:46,523 --> 00:17:48,377
a disgrace to the Republican party
443
00:17:48,379 --> 00:17:51,005
and a selectively liberal socialite.
444
00:17:51,007 --> 00:17:53,007
Hello, Carson City.
445
00:17:53,009 --> 00:17:56,810
My name is Ivanka Trump,
and all I have to say is...
446
00:17:56,812 --> 00:17:58,412
Disappointed...
447
00:17:58,414 --> 00:17:59,933
Disappointed...
448
00:17:59,935 --> 00:18:02,816
My father... father... father...
449
00:18:02,818 --> 00:18:04,377
As a working mom...
450
00:18:04,379 --> 00:18:06,379
Whoa, what the F is this?
451
00:18:06,381 --> 00:18:09,942
Sometimes, it feels like
I've been shadow banned
452
00:18:09,944 --> 00:18:12,142
by the lack of paid maternity leave.
453
00:18:13,307 --> 00:18:16,508
No! Wait! Please, let me explain!
454
00:18:16,510 --> 00:18:19,190
This whole stupid act was your idea.
455
00:18:19,192 --> 00:18:22,006
All I ever wanted was for
you to manipulate the public
456
00:18:22,008 --> 00:18:23,909
for the sake of my political career.
457
00:18:23,911 --> 00:18:25,236
You know, I hate to say it,
458
00:18:25,238 --> 00:18:27,958
but John McCain actually
would be disappointed in you.
459
00:18:30,963 --> 00:18:32,722
You can save money on bullets
460
00:18:32,724 --> 00:18:34,964
if you arm the death
squad with machetes.
461
00:18:34,966 --> 00:18:37,967
Sure, sure, but then you have
to factor in the physical strain
462
00:18:37,969 --> 00:18:39,849
and carpal tunnel is not a joke.
463
00:18:41,012 --> 00:18:43,292
Now can we watch TV, please?
464
00:18:43,294 --> 00:18:46,214
I wish you were this worked
up when Chuck Todd barged in.
465
00:18:46,216 --> 00:18:48,256
Yeah. What are you, in
love with Chuck Todd?
466
00:18:48,258 --> 00:18:50,138
Get off my back, Dad. I mean...
467
00:18:50,140 --> 00:18:52,281
He said Dad! He called me Dad!
468
00:18:52,283 --> 00:18:53,714
- Did you hear it?
- Oh, my God.
469
00:18:53,716 --> 00:18:56,155
Donald, you are a big, fat baby.
470
00:18:56,157 --> 00:18:58,740
I'm not fat. My doctor says
I'm just full of mystery fluid
471
00:18:58,742 --> 00:18:59,787
like a lava lamp.
472
00:18:59,789 --> 00:19:01,468
Plus, you've never staged a coup.
473
00:19:01,470 --> 00:19:02,749
Never been in the KGB.
474
00:19:02,751 --> 00:19:05,392
And you've never enacted
murderous revenge
475
00:19:05,394 --> 00:19:07,634
on insolent journalists like Chuck Todd.
476
00:19:07,636 --> 00:19:09,996
I mean, I want to, but the laws...
477
00:19:09,998 --> 00:19:13,120
Oh, my God, the laws!
This guy still has laws!
478
00:19:14,522 --> 00:19:17,166
You know what? You
blood-thirsty dictators
479
00:19:17,168 --> 00:19:19,925
are a bunch of jerks!
480
00:19:19,927 --> 00:19:22,567
Sorry, guys, I thought Donald was cool.
481
00:19:22,569 --> 00:19:25,089
My bad.
482
00:19:26,773 --> 00:19:28,439
- We're following reports that several
- _
483
00:19:28,441 --> 00:19:30,146
of the world's most brutal dictators
484
00:19:30,148 --> 00:19:31,815
have defected from the G-A Million
485
00:19:31,817 --> 00:19:33,977
and annexed part of
Camp David as their own.
486
00:19:33,979 --> 00:19:36,565
But first, our search for
the still-missing Chad Todd
487
00:19:36,567 --> 00:19:39,102
continues. Was it "Chad"?
488
00:19:39,104 --> 00:19:42,305
I can't believe I've resorted
to hanging with Boris Johnson.
489
00:19:42,307 --> 00:19:44,787
It's like sitting next
to my own umbilical cord.
490
00:19:44,789 --> 00:19:46,789
Here in America, you have Tootsie Rolls,
491
00:19:46,791 --> 00:19:49,911
and Hershey's and Butterfinger,
but they're all too sweet.
492
00:19:49,913 --> 00:19:52,193
Yuck.
493
00:19:52,195 --> 00:19:54,286
Okay, very funny. What, is that
494
00:19:54,288 --> 00:19:56,875
the world champion Washington
Nationals out there? Ha.
495
00:19:56,877 --> 00:20:00,601
I guess I'll always be stuck
between G-7 and A Million,
496
00:20:00,603 --> 00:20:03,964
and only a genius can figure
out what wacky number that is.
497
00:20:03,966 --> 00:20:06,726
Probably has like an eyeball
symbol or something.
498
00:20:11,853 --> 00:20:14,493
Wow, you've been such
good little supporters.
499
00:20:14,495 --> 00:20:15,975
You deserve a treat.
500
00:20:15,977 --> 00:20:17,576
- Ow!
- You rock!
501
00:20:17,578 --> 00:20:19,218
These books are not free.
502
00:20:19,220 --> 00:20:22,621
Venmo me, or it's legally stealing.
503
00:20:31,991 --> 00:20:33,630
Sorry I've been M-I-A.
504
00:20:33,632 --> 00:20:36,033
I followed what I thought
was a monarch butterfly
505
00:20:36,035 --> 00:20:38,134
for 46 miles, but it turned out
506
00:20:38,136 --> 00:20:40,637
to be a Butterfinger wrapper
caught in an air stream.
507
00:20:40,639 --> 00:20:42,839
- How was the summit?
- They all left me.
508
00:20:42,841 --> 00:20:45,921
Now I know how the last
Sudafed in the pack feels.
509
00:20:45,923 --> 00:20:47,243
Come on, Mr. President.
510
00:20:47,245 --> 00:20:48,811
Let me lead you to an epiphany
511
00:20:48,813 --> 00:20:51,458
like that wrapper led
me to outer Harrisburg.
512
00:20:51,459 --> 00:20:53,408
_
513
00:20:53,410 --> 00:20:55,024
Are you sure about this?
514
00:20:55,026 --> 00:20:56,949
Mr. President, I'm more sure
515
00:20:56,951 --> 00:20:58,413
about this than anything I've ever...
516
00:20:58,415 --> 00:21:01,015
Okay, Jesus! I didn't
ask for your life story!
517
00:21:01,017 --> 00:21:03,297
Here we go.
518
00:21:03,299 --> 00:21:05,539
Do you get it, yet?
519
00:21:05,541 --> 00:21:07,981
No, I think I need to
go a little further.
520
00:21:07,983 --> 00:21:10,543
There it is!
521
00:21:10,545 --> 00:21:13,546
I've tapped into that
familiar feeling... power.
522
00:21:13,548 --> 00:21:17,178
I don't like the G-7 or
the G.A. Million because,
523
00:21:17,180 --> 00:21:19,545
for whatever reason, they refuse to bow
524
00:21:19,547 --> 00:21:20,639
to my every whim.
525
00:21:20,641 --> 00:21:23,164
Why would I ever want to
associate with people like that?
526
00:21:23,166 --> 00:21:24,604
I don't know, Mr. President.
527
00:21:24,606 --> 00:21:26,146
Don't you back-talk me!
528
00:21:26,148 --> 00:21:31,842
You're right. I think I know
how to feel powerful again.
529
00:21:31,844 --> 00:21:34,885
Your stupid book ruined my life!
530
00:21:34,887 --> 00:21:38,568
All I wanted was to introduce
Daddy at the 2020 RNC,
531
00:21:38,570 --> 00:21:40,170
inherit the Trump dynasty,
532
00:21:40,172 --> 00:21:41,963
and live for 10,000 years
533
00:21:41,965 --> 00:21:44,867
in a stainless steel orbiting dollhouse!
534
00:21:44,869 --> 00:21:46,932
Clearly, you didn't get to that chapter
535
00:21:46,934 --> 00:21:48,495
where I talk about that ski trip
536
00:21:48,497 --> 00:21:50,179
we went on as kids. Remember that?
537
00:21:50,181 --> 00:21:52,341
I don't know. Sort of.
538
00:21:52,343 --> 00:21:54,857
That morning, after dad backhanded me
539
00:21:54,859 --> 00:21:57,585
for not wearing a suit
and tie over my snow pants,
540
00:21:57,587 --> 00:22:00,575
I remember thinking, "Damn
it, how can I ever compete
541
00:22:00,577 --> 00:22:03,125
with perfect little Ivanka
who never freaks out
542
00:22:03,127 --> 00:22:04,532
when we go through a car wash".
543
00:22:04,534 --> 00:22:06,513
Aah! Oh. I just went back there.
544
00:22:06,515 --> 00:22:08,755
This whole time I've been thinking
545
00:22:08,757 --> 00:22:10,597
"How can I compete with gross,
546
00:22:10,599 --> 00:22:13,560
psychologically unstable Don Jr.?"
547
00:22:13,562 --> 00:22:16,165
Oh, Ivanka, if you hadn't pushed me
548
00:22:16,167 --> 00:22:18,381
to develop the debilitating insecurity
549
00:22:18,383 --> 00:22:19,525
that rules my every moment,
550
00:22:19,527 --> 00:22:21,907
I'd probably still be back in Colorado,
551
00:22:21,909 --> 00:22:23,532
sucking down mugs of hot Natty Lite
552
00:22:23,534 --> 00:22:25,450
after a long day of moose-punching.
553
00:22:25,452 --> 00:22:28,093
And if I wasn't pushed
to compete with you
554
00:22:28,095 --> 00:22:30,936
to inherit Daddy's political dynasty,
555
00:22:30,938 --> 00:22:33,682
I'd probably just settle
for being a gorgeous mom
556
00:22:33,684 --> 00:22:36,260
to three kids whose
names I sometimes confuse
557
00:22:36,262 --> 00:22:39,429
with characters on "Big Little Lies".
558
00:22:39,431 --> 00:22:41,631
- We need to compete.
- We need to compete.
559
00:22:42,788 --> 00:22:44,788
It's the puppet master speaking.
560
00:22:44,790 --> 00:22:46,612
I've decided to start
a brand new summit,
561
00:22:46,614 --> 00:22:49,038
and I need you two to speak
at the opening ceremony.
562
00:22:49,040 --> 00:22:52,034
Whoever does best will get
to introduce me at the RNC.
563
00:22:52,036 --> 00:22:53,796
Okay, compete, compete, compete.
564
00:22:55,945 --> 00:22:58,609
Who's there? Is it
my best friend Lester Holt
565
00:22:58,611 --> 00:23:01,282
and a ragtag brotherhood of
bad asses here to bust me out?
566
00:23:01,284 --> 00:23:03,190
- I'd like to make a deal.
- No way.
567
00:23:03,192 --> 00:23:05,126
I'm finally going to
say what I really think.
568
00:23:05,128 --> 00:23:08,489
Mr. Trump, you are
deeply, deeply rude. Sorry.
569
00:23:08,491 --> 00:23:10,480
I just need one tiny thing from you,
570
00:23:10,482 --> 00:23:12,990
and, in exchange, you'll
get an exclusive interview,
571
00:23:12,992 --> 00:23:15,095
softball questions,
shared with me beforehand.
572
00:23:15,097 --> 00:23:18,300
Wow, I'll say yes, but what's
the tiny thing you need?
573
00:23:23,945 --> 00:23:25,944
Nice doing business with you.
574
00:23:25,946 --> 00:23:27,906
♪ Let your hair down ♪
575
00:23:27,908 --> 00:23:29,668
♪ Fake philanthropy ♪
576
00:23:29,670 --> 00:23:30,869
Anytime beard!
577
00:23:30,871 --> 00:23:31,933
♪ Hide your politics ♪
578
00:23:31,935 --> 00:23:34,718
♪ Behind your performative
feminist identity ♪
579
00:23:34,720 --> 00:23:36,674
♪ I'm back to Ivanka! ♪
580
00:23:36,676 --> 00:23:39,276
♪ Oh, I'm back to Ivanka! ♪
581
00:23:39,278 --> 00:23:41,038
♪ Whoa ♪
582
00:23:41,040 --> 00:23:44,071
♪ Oh, I'm back to Ivanka Trump! ♪
583
00:23:45,884 --> 00:23:48,777
I think you guys are trained now.
584
00:23:51,729 --> 00:23:53,809
- What's up, Camp David?
- Hello, kweens!
585
00:23:53,811 --> 00:23:55,549
- My dad know...
- My daddy knows...
586
00:23:55,551 --> 00:23:57,016
- ... that safe spaces are...
- ... that the lack of...
587
00:23:57,018 --> 00:23:58,960
- ... are destroying this country.
- ... is destroying this country.
588
00:23:58,962 --> 00:24:01,285
- And we need less so-called...
- And we need more nursing rooms.
589
00:24:01,287 --> 00:24:02,749
...political correctness.
590
00:24:02,751 --> 00:24:05,014
Too much real beard hair fumes.
591
00:24:05,016 --> 00:24:06,656
And...
592
00:24:06,658 --> 00:24:08,653
- Also close to his heart is
- Also close to his heart is
593
00:24:08,655 --> 00:24:10,864
- equal pay for equal work.
- the right to bring your...
594
00:24:10,866 --> 00:24:12,418
He said that the other day when
595
00:24:12,420 --> 00:24:15,144
I was playing with LEGO
blocks in the Oval Office.
596
00:24:15,146 --> 00:24:17,711
Jesus Ass! The fumes are killing me.
597
00:24:17,713 --> 00:24:20,713
And now, without further adieu,
598
00:24:20,715 --> 00:24:23,460
President Donald J. Trump.
599
00:24:24,782 --> 00:24:27,805
Someone just won themselves
an RNC introduction spot.
600
00:24:27,807 --> 00:24:29,081
Unless I change my mind later.
601
00:24:29,083 --> 00:24:31,123
I really wanted that spot.
602
00:24:31,125 --> 00:24:32,444
What the ass?!
603
00:24:32,446 --> 00:24:34,085
But, like Ivanka, if you need
604
00:24:34,087 --> 00:24:36,647
a running mate in 2024, I
can be hella deferential.
605
00:24:36,649 --> 00:24:39,170
But I live to scorn you!
606
00:24:39,172 --> 00:24:42,023
But seriously, I'll win
you the hepatitis vote.
607
00:24:42,025 --> 00:24:43,475
Shut up. Earlier today,
608
00:24:43,477 --> 00:24:45,377
when I took Chuck Todd's finger...
609
00:24:45,379 --> 00:24:48,281
Exclusive interview airing
Thursday at 4:00 A.M. Central.
610
00:24:48,283 --> 00:24:49,944
... I thought I needed it to prove
611
00:24:49,946 --> 00:24:52,542
I could run with the big
dogs of the G.A. Million,
612
00:24:52,544 --> 00:24:55,384
but now I realize that
they aren't the big dog.
613
00:24:55,386 --> 00:24:58,606
I'm the big dog because
my children will stop
614
00:24:58,608 --> 00:25:00,309
at nothing to win my approval.
615
00:25:00,311 --> 00:25:02,030
We love you, Dad!
616
00:25:02,032 --> 00:25:03,471
Not now, vagrant.
617
00:25:03,473 --> 00:25:05,920
I'm therefore announcing
a brand-new summit
618
00:25:05,922 --> 00:25:08,316
for the only people who really matter.
619
00:25:08,318 --> 00:25:10,848
The G-Me. It's just me.
620
00:25:10,850 --> 00:25:12,319
Oh, and my two kids.
621
00:25:12,321 --> 00:25:14,922
And because I got nothing
to prove to the dictators,
622
00:25:14,924 --> 00:25:17,084
I don't need this anymore.
623
00:25:18,327 --> 00:25:19,827
I guess I will be wearing my
624
00:25:19,829 --> 00:25:22,329
middle school graduation
ring on my other hand.
625
00:25:22,331 --> 00:25:23,721
At least I got my interview.
626
00:25:23,723 --> 00:25:25,222
And the interview's off.
627
00:25:25,224 --> 00:25:27,716
I'd speak up, but you
gotta respect the office.
628
00:25:29,817 --> 00:25:33,498
Oh! Ivanka, light of my
life, hollow of my cheeks,
629
00:25:33,500 --> 00:25:35,100
you were amazing up there!
630
00:25:35,102 --> 00:25:38,823
Oh, Jared, I was angry
at you before, but now?
631
00:25:38,825 --> 00:25:40,625
You're complimenting me.
632
00:25:40,627 --> 00:25:42,626
I am so sorry about earlier.
633
00:25:42,628 --> 00:25:45,309
John McCain would be
really proud of you.
634
00:25:45,311 --> 00:25:46,790
Oh, Jared,
635
00:25:46,792 --> 00:25:48,878
That's the most romantic thing you've
636
00:25:48,880 --> 00:25:50,215
ever said to me!
637
00:25:50,217 --> 00:25:52,584
Hey, Trumpy, you know,
uh, that was pretty cool
638
00:25:52,586 --> 00:25:54,379
what you did with that
journalist's finger.
639
00:25:54,381 --> 00:25:55,998
You know, if you aren't
doing anything later...
640
00:25:56,000 --> 00:25:58,200
Oh, sorry, Putin, but
my brain just showed me
641
00:25:58,202 --> 00:26:01,083
a picture of cheesy popcorn
and told me to stop listening.
642
00:26:01,085 --> 00:26:03,965
Excuse me. I've got a
G-Me summit to attend.
643
00:26:03,967 --> 00:26:05,576
Jared, get out of my seat!
644
00:26:05,578 --> 00:26:07,982
I want to sit next to
Ivanka so I can bother her!
645
00:26:07,984 --> 00:26:10,213
I-I got plans anyway. I promised MBS
646
00:26:10,215 --> 00:26:12,552
I'd go with him to check out
the new line of bone saws.
647
00:26:12,554 --> 00:26:14,536
Two peas in a pod, you two.
648
00:26:14,538 --> 00:26:16,256
Let's go!
649
00:26:16,258 --> 00:26:18,539
Just remembered I've
never driven before.
650
00:26:18,541 --> 00:26:19,860
Wheeee!
651
00:27:17,673 --> 00:27:19,168
Trump!
652
00:27:19,170 --> 00:27:22,170
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