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♪♪♪
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♪♪♪
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[man] Welcome to night one
of the first
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Democratic presidential debate.
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[applause]
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Good evening.
I'm Lester Holt,
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the last living good man.
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Also joining me,
Savannah Guthrie,
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Jose Diaz‐Balart, Rachel Maddow,
and Chuck Todd,
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who, even next to 20
presidential candidates,
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seems like an ego‐maniac.
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Hey, if everyone's saying
you're worse than shit,
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you're doin' something right.
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Let's meet
the candidates.
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Audience, please withhold your
"Is this the best we can dos"
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until the end.
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Mayor de Blasio.
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I'm Mayor Bill de Blasio,
and if I have one weakness,
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it's that I work too little.
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I'm Tim Ryan.
I can't stop blinking.
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And every second
feels like an hour.
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Julian Castro asked to reserve
his introduction time
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to later destroy
Beto O'Rourke.
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‐Wait, what?
‐Senator Booker?
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I'm Cory Booker.
If you don't vote for me,
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I'm come to your home,
knock on your door,
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and ask, "Why not?"
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I'm Elizabeth Warren,
the healthy salad place
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that you should eat at,
but Chipotle is right there.
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I'm Beto O'Rourke.
A bunch of people
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told me to run,
and I'm still not sure why.
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I'm Senator Amy Klobuchar,
and I'm not the monster...
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♪ ominous music ♪
my former assistants
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make me out to be.
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I actually have a lot of
[voice deepens] good ideas.
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[screaming]
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[man] Jesus Christ!
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[Holt] And there's
crazy Russian plant,
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possibly a retired Canadian
football player,
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and bald guy.
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I am so confident,
I will attempt to speak Spanish
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without ever having
studied it.
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Estado unedos
es moy bueno e guapo.
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You won, Julian.
Now stop!
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Julian, even I think
you're being too harsh,
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and I once made an intern
swallow a battery.
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Oh, man! Everyone here
is really smart.
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Jesus, I'm kicking
everyone's ass,
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and I still can't
stop shaking.
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Hey, whoever's in charge
of the audio
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is definitely the dumbest one
here, right?
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He's gonna get the reputation
of being the dumb guy.
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No doubt about it.
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[Holt] Welcome to night 2.
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Different ingredients, same
burrito you found in the trash.
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Let's meet the candidates.
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I'm Marianne Williamson,
and I want to be
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the first quack president
of the United States, baby.
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[Holt] I think it's safe
to skip the next two
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unless the audience objects.
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Moving on.
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I'm Mayor Pete Buttigieg.
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I'm so committed to being
president that I've allowed
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my city to descend into
a den of racial animus.
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Shouldn't you
go back there?
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Yeah, I'm gonna leave
Miami for South Bend.
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Oh‐ho‐kay, bitch.
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Please don't call
me bitch.
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Vice President Biden?
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I promise that as president,
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no pile of shit will
go un‐stepped in.
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I'm Bernie Sanders.
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My first action as president
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will be to clean up
the White House.
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Pine‐Sol the floors,
put Formula 409 in the tubs,
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and Windex all the windows.
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You are not going
to be able to breathe
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in there for a month!
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I'm Senator Kamala Harris.
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I have a black father,
Indian mother,
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and I'm a women.
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I'm a tasty turkey leg in a trap
ready to catch Trump.
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Okay, let me see who's left.
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And we're good.
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Joe Biden, I'm gonna
bus you into the forest
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and leave you there.
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[Sanders]
Get him, Kamala!
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[Biden] All right,
look, look, look.
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Look, look, look, look, look.
Folks, look.
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Oh, that's my time.
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[Buttigieg] If you need someone
to calm tensions between
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Joe and Kamala,
I am [chuckles] not the guy.
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[Williamson] Let's focus on
the real issue.
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A cat's in my car and refuses
to unlock the door.
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Why isn't anyone asking
Marianne Williamson's
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position on busing?
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[Sanders] If Jane was not
in the picture,
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I would send a crystal
to Marianne Williamson
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with a note saying,
"From your secret admirer."
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Everybody come on out.
Everyone.
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You too, Tim Ryan,
let's go!
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I want each of you
to listen to me.
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Next debate, you need to get
your shit together.
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You're running
for president here.
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[all] Sorry.
Sorry, baby!
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[Holt] It's okay.
Joe, I think we're good.
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If you want, we can
all pretend you never ran.
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Get you a nice podcast.
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[Biden]
Are you kidding?
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I'm setting myself up
for 2024!
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From all of us here at NBC News,
God help us all.
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♪♪♪
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Karma isn't real, losers.
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Oh!
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♪ Three white people
on a couch ♪
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♪ It's "Fox and Friends" ♪
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You're a good person,
so nothing you do is bad!
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It's "Fox and Friends"!
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Well, the
the Intergovernmental Panel
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on Climate Change
just released another report
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saying climate change
is real. What?!
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Climate change
isn't real!
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I know because
the mountain on my
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computer background is still
covered in snow.
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If the climate is changing,
how come every day this year
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has been the hottest
one on record?
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Speaking of hotty‐boom‐bodies,
President Trump
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is delivering comments on
the climate report right now.
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Calm down.
The Earth isn't heating up.
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The sun's just bloated
from a big lunch.
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Mister President,
why are you drenched?
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I just watched
"The Perfect Storm."
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That's not how
movies work.
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Fuck you!
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Today was a hot one,
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and that means President Trump
looked absolutely disgusting.
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[groans]
According to sources,
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the sweat wanted to roll down
his face,
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but there was just
too much sweat already there,
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so it retreated
into his eardrums.
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Is President Swamp‐ass
finally feeling the effects
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of climate change?
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You're...
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President...
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Swamp...
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Eh...
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It's too hot, forget it.
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[groans]
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What's your strategy for
the debate tonight?
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I'm thinking of jumping
on a bunch of stuff.
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I'm going to keep
announcing policies that
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for some reason
people call unlikable.
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I'm just gonna say
what everyone else says,
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but vaguer and louder.
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That was my idea,
fuck‐nuts!
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Hey, who's that guy over there
whispering to his saltines?
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[grunts]
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Pretty good.
That's a good batch.
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Oh, it's Bernie.
Poor guy.
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‐[sighs]
‐Yeah.
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‐Yeah.
‐Yeah.
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Isn't he
a front runner?
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‐That doesn't sound right.
‐It's still early!
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Look, I feel bad
for the old man.
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I mean, he's got to be, what,
ten months older than I am?
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I'll go keep
him company.
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Hey, Bernie,
what's shakin'?
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This economy is completely
rigged against working people.
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Jesus, save it
for the debate.
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I'm sorry.
It's just that the economy
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is completely tilted against
everyday working class‐‐
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Just hey, why don't you
come hang with us?
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Cory's showing us a picture
of his girlfriend,
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and, I swear to God,
it's the first Google result
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for "hot girlfriend."
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Uh, I don't belong over there
with you combed‐hair types.
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You're a front runner,
Bernie.
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Maybe it's time to start
looking the part.
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Get a haircut, buy a suit
you didn't find in a railyard,
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scrape off the lozenges
stuck to your necktie.
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[laughter]
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I would, but I have to do
my pre‐debate ritual
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where I go through all
75 punch cards in my wallet.
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Yesus H. Kripes.
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♪♪♪
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Has anyone
seen the President?
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‐No.
‐Nope.
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[panting]
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I thought it might be
cooler under the table,
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but Pompeo's ankles
are like space heaters.
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Hey, is global warming real,
or is it just a scary story
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you tell your kids so they ask
to sleep at their mom's?
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Unlike my shit wife's
"film career," it's real.
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Okay, who doesn't believe
global warming is real?
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So, the four dumbest
people in the room?
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Okay, it's real.
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Oh, what's
the difference?
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By the time it kicks in,
we'll be dead or living in
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space mansions having zero
gravity bunga bunga parties.
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00:07:08,970 --> 00:07:11,389
How would you get enough
leverage to perform?
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00:07:11,473 --> 00:07:12,390
Velcro, you idiot.
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00:07:12,474 --> 00:07:14,309
You think I didn't
think of that?!
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00:07:14,392 --> 00:07:16,186
Let him go.
It's not worth it.
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[ice cream truck music plays]
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Oh! The ice cream truck!
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00:07:20,315 --> 00:07:20,940
Oh, thank God!
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00:07:21,024 --> 00:07:24,277
[cackles]
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Ice Cream!
Huh?
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00:07:25,487 --> 00:07:28,031
[stereo clicks, music stops]
Hello, Donald.
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00:07:28,114 --> 00:07:30,909
Mad Dog Mattis?
Sad Dog McMaster?
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00:07:30,992 --> 00:07:33,119
Third Dog Kelly?
What are doing here?
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00:07:33,203 --> 00:07:35,580
We hit save on our tell‐alls
to warn you about
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00:07:35,664 --> 00:07:37,332
the biggest threat
to our national security.
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00:07:37,415 --> 00:07:40,001
Dashboard hula girls
coming to life
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and yanking your
steering wheel into a ravine?
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00:07:41,086 --> 00:07:43,254
Climate change.
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00:07:43,338 --> 00:07:45,548
Oceans are rising,
and, had you listened
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00:07:45,632 --> 00:07:48,968
to briefings, you'd know
naval bases are on the water.
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00:07:49,052 --> 00:07:51,763
And if troops launching
World War Three while wearing
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00:07:51,846 --> 00:07:54,974
water wingies doesn't trouble
you, take a look at this.
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[beeping]
What's that‐‐
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a big sweet roll?
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That, sir,
is your face.
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If global warming continues
at its current rate,
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00:08:01,356 --> 00:08:02,857
here it is
in five years.
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Ten years.
And twenty years.
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Aah! My face!
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00:08:07,028 --> 00:08:08,363
I'd only be body‐hot!
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00:08:08,446 --> 00:08:10,407
Sir, if you don't do something
about climate change and fast,
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00:08:10,490 --> 00:08:11,658
you will be the most
uncomfortable,
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00:08:11,741 --> 00:08:14,536
disgusting person
on the face of this Earth.
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More disgusting than‐‐
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Chris Christie, yes,
even Chris Christie.
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♪♪♪
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I'm Chuck Todd, and NBC won't
give me a parking space.
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Tonight, the Democratic
candidates compete to represent
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the party against
President Donald Trump.
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00:08:29,634 --> 00:08:32,053
They will be given one minute
to spout poll‐tested buzzwords
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that I will give
zero pushback on.
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Let's meet the candidates.
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[coughs]
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Sorry I am late.
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00:08:37,434 --> 00:08:39,728
I left my ThinkPad
at the pharmacy.
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00:08:39,811 --> 00:08:41,187
Hey! Pump your
brakes, chief.
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00:08:41,271 --> 00:08:42,647
This is for presidential
candidates only.
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00:08:42,731 --> 00:08:46,568
Hello, operator, I am
a presidential candidate.
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00:08:46,651 --> 00:08:47,235
Yeah, there's no way
a presidential candidate
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has relish on his shirt.
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That's why I went
to the pharmacy,
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00:08:50,321 --> 00:08:52,532
to get a new shirt.
251
00:08:52,615 --> 00:08:53,408
[Todd] And please welcome
the Senator from Vermont.
252
00:08:53,491 --> 00:08:56,244
You know this guy ‐‐
Bernie Sanders.
253
00:08:56,327 --> 00:08:58,455
That's me!
Now you let me on that stage,
254
00:08:58,538 --> 00:09:01,207
or you're getting
a knuckle sandwich, pal,
255
00:09:01,291 --> 00:09:02,751
heavy on the relish.
256
00:09:02,834 --> 00:09:04,753
Senator Bernie Sanders?
Is he here?
257
00:09:04,836 --> 00:09:06,337
He's probably at home
watching the movie,
258
00:09:06,421 --> 00:09:09,591
"The Socialism Network."
259
00:09:09,674 --> 00:09:10,675
[audience member coughs]
260
00:09:10,759 --> 00:09:11,676
Sorry.
261
00:09:11,760 --> 00:09:13,636
[siren wails]
I know why you're doing this!
262
00:09:13,720 --> 00:09:16,848
Because there's a profit motive
in our prison system!
263
00:09:19,142 --> 00:09:20,435
Watcha doing, Dad?
264
00:09:20,518 --> 00:09:22,896
Thinking about how freaking
huge Andre the Giant was?
265
00:09:22,979 --> 00:09:25,940
I'm just thinking about
how to combat climate change...
266
00:09:26,024 --> 00:09:28,610
and I do my best thinking
sitting in an idling car
267
00:09:28,693 --> 00:09:30,779
inside an idling plane...
268
00:09:30,862 --> 00:09:31,946
on an idling boat.
269
00:09:32,030 --> 00:09:33,698
[boat horn blows]
I don't know if I can
270
00:09:33,782 --> 00:09:34,949
solve this issue.
271
00:09:35,033 --> 00:09:37,494
There's no easy fix
like running a full page ad
272
00:09:37,577 --> 00:09:39,788
saying climate change should
get the death penalty.
273
00:09:39,871 --> 00:09:41,664
When you're not
feeling up to it,
274
00:09:41,748 --> 00:09:45,293
remember that you're doing it
for the next generation.
275
00:09:45,376 --> 00:09:47,962
Oh, no, I'm doing this
for something important ‐‐
276
00:09:48,046 --> 00:09:50,090
me feeling slightly
more comfortable.
277
00:09:50,173 --> 00:09:51,549
Right, but you're also
doing it for your children.
278
00:09:51,633 --> 00:09:53,968
You're putting words
in my mouth.
279
00:09:54,052 --> 00:09:55,845
Just say,
"You can do it, Dad."
280
00:09:55,929 --> 00:09:57,472
You can do it, Dad!
You can do it, Dad!
281
00:09:57,555 --> 00:09:58,139
He's totally
doing it for us.
282
00:09:58,223 --> 00:10:00,225
No, I'm not!
283
00:10:00,308 --> 00:10:01,643
[announcer] And now,
a message from
284
00:10:01,726 --> 00:10:03,353
the President of
the United States.
285
00:10:03,436 --> 00:10:07,690
My fellow overheated Americans,
for years, the party I hijacked
286
00:10:07,774 --> 00:10:11,111
as a vanity project refused
to accept the science
287
00:10:11,194 --> 00:10:12,153
behind global warming.
288
00:10:12,237 --> 00:10:15,573
Today, that changes because
I've been getting
289
00:10:15,657 --> 00:10:17,617
really frickin' sweaty,
and I'm sick of it!
290
00:10:17,700 --> 00:10:20,912
Okay, let's go to
our first caller.
291
00:10:21,412 --> 00:10:22,872
We don't have callers?
292
00:10:22,956 --> 00:10:24,499
That's a mistake!
293
00:10:25,375 --> 00:10:28,628
I'm here with volatile
tech‐freak Elon Musk
294
00:10:28,711 --> 00:10:32,632
to encourage all Americans to
embrace electric vehicles.
295
00:10:32,715 --> 00:10:35,510
Come on, let's take
a look inside!
296
00:10:35,593 --> 00:10:36,928
Oh, sorry
for the mess.
297
00:10:37,011 --> 00:10:38,847
You can push the cups
out of the way.
298
00:10:38,930 --> 00:10:40,223
[trash clatters]
Wow, folks!
299
00:10:40,306 --> 00:10:42,016
You can see right
through the glass!
300
00:10:42,100 --> 00:10:44,435
Now, why isn't it
going vroom, vroom, vroom?
301
00:10:44,519 --> 00:10:46,187
This is
an electric car.
302
00:10:46,271 --> 00:10:47,856
It's just as fast
as a gas one,
303
00:10:47,939 --> 00:10:50,942
but even more future and cool
for me. [chuckles awkwardly]
304
00:10:51,025 --> 00:10:53,069
Whoa, no stops
at gas stations?
305
00:10:53,153 --> 00:10:55,864
That's the best part.
You pick up a Gatorade,
306
00:10:55,947 --> 00:10:59,075
off‐brand gummy worms
in a bag sealed with a staple,
307
00:10:59,159 --> 00:11:01,703
squeeze by a rack of dirty
sodas to hit the john.
308
00:11:01,786 --> 00:11:02,829
You can still go to
the gas station to get, like,
309
00:11:02,912 --> 00:11:06,958
a Sprite or lighter to
light your cannabis joints.
310
00:11:07,041 --> 00:11:08,418
Forget it.
Let me know when you
311
00:11:08,501 --> 00:11:11,963
crack the code on
gas‐powered electric cars.
312
00:11:12,046 --> 00:11:13,464
[knock on door]
313
00:11:14,632 --> 00:11:15,383
This old vagrant says
he knows you.
314
00:11:15,466 --> 00:11:18,261
Sorry for not
calling ahead.
315
00:11:18,344 --> 00:11:20,889
My assistant's getting
her hip replaced.
316
00:11:20,972 --> 00:11:23,057
So you need my help
to improve your look?
317
00:11:23,141 --> 00:11:25,518
You always look
so handsome,
318
00:11:25,602 --> 00:11:27,270
and I look
like a ragamuffin.
319
00:11:27,353 --> 00:11:29,898
Meals on Wheels won't stop
chasing my campaign bus.
320
00:11:29,981 --> 00:11:34,068
Hmmm, in 2024, it would be
easier to beat a socialist
321
00:11:34,152 --> 00:11:36,696
than a political dynamo
like Julian Castro.
322
00:11:36,779 --> 00:11:39,824
Heh? You have to speak
at 90 decibels into this ear
323
00:11:39,908 --> 00:11:40,575
at this angle.
324
00:11:40,658 --> 00:11:42,243
Uh, sure, I'll help you.
325
00:11:42,327 --> 00:11:43,745
Looking classy is simple.
326
00:11:43,828 --> 00:11:46,414
Every equinox,
I re‐lacquer my whole body
327
00:11:46,497 --> 00:11:47,332
and induce a coma
so I get five weeks
328
00:11:47,415 --> 00:11:49,500
of rejuvenating bedrest.
329
00:11:49,584 --> 00:11:50,668
You sleep in a bed?
330
00:11:50,752 --> 00:11:53,880
Not three mismatched sofa
cushions laid end to end?
331
00:11:53,963 --> 00:11:56,299
Right. I also rotate
my teeth every 6,000 bites.
332
00:11:56,382 --> 00:11:59,093
Slow down, Jesse Owens.
333
00:11:59,177 --> 00:12:01,179
I gotta take some notes
here on my ThinkPad.
334
00:12:01,262 --> 00:12:02,722
[ThinkPad whirring]
335
00:12:02,805 --> 00:12:04,891
God damnit,
it's still updating.
336
00:12:04,974 --> 00:12:06,893
Gonna be about
300 minutes.
337
00:12:06,976 --> 00:12:08,019
[camera shutters clicking]
338
00:12:08,102 --> 00:12:10,146
The meat people are making
the planet hot,
339
00:12:10,230 --> 00:12:12,607
so I need the country
to stop eating cows nose to anus
340
00:12:12,690 --> 00:12:15,276
and start eating
veggie burgers.
341
00:12:15,360 --> 00:12:17,946
Cory Booker just showed up
because he's a vegetarian.
342
00:12:18,029 --> 00:12:20,448
Actually, I'm a vegan,
and it would be unethical
343
00:12:20,531 --> 00:12:23,117
to not support the President's
leadership on this issue.
344
00:12:23,201 --> 00:12:24,827
As Gandhi once said‐‐
345
00:12:24,911 --> 00:12:25,453
Always with the Mahatma!
346
00:12:25,536 --> 00:12:27,956
Let's get this over with.
347
00:12:28,039 --> 00:12:30,458
[munching]
348
00:12:30,541 --> 00:12:32,502
What is happening?!
349
00:12:32,585 --> 00:12:35,171
[screaming]
Oh, my...
350
00:12:35,255 --> 00:12:37,215
Aaaaah!
351
00:12:37,298 --> 00:12:38,258
[screams]
352
00:12:38,341 --> 00:12:40,593
[screams]
353
00:12:40,677 --> 00:12:41,636
[gasps]
354
00:12:41,719 --> 00:12:43,096
Uh, side‐table burger...
355
00:12:43,179 --> 00:12:47,225
I had a terrible dream
I had to talk to Cory Booker.
356
00:12:47,725 --> 00:12:49,727
[Sanders] ♪ One percent of one
percent of one percent ♪
357
00:12:49,811 --> 00:12:52,480
♪ of one percent of one percent
of one percent of one ♪
358
00:12:52,563 --> 00:12:53,648
♪ Percent of one ♪
359
00:12:53,731 --> 00:12:54,649
[hacking]
360
00:12:54,732 --> 00:12:57,819
Sorry, doctor says
the mucus is too close
361
00:12:57,902 --> 00:12:59,654
to my heart
so they can't operate.
362
00:12:59,737 --> 00:13:00,863
On the trail, you're‐‐
363
00:13:00,947 --> 00:13:02,073
♪ One percent
of one percent of ♪
364
00:13:02,156 --> 00:13:03,283
[snaps]
Bernie, listen!
365
00:13:03,366 --> 00:13:05,118
It's important to show
voters that you don't
366
00:13:05,201 --> 00:13:06,494
eat every meal
with a spoon.
367
00:13:06,577 --> 00:13:09,789
Obviously, I can still
eat sandwiches with a spoon.
368
00:13:09,872 --> 00:13:11,082
You are
one odd‐duck animal.
369
00:13:11,165 --> 00:13:13,918
The next thing is you need
to pull back the accent.
370
00:13:14,002 --> 00:13:15,586
Just talk
like a computer.
371
00:13:15,670 --> 00:13:18,339
I told you the god damn
thing is still updating!
372
00:13:18,423 --> 00:13:19,590
[ThinkPad whirring]
Why is it so hot?!
373
00:13:19,674 --> 00:13:21,718
Here's the key.
Just be agreeable.
374
00:13:21,801 --> 00:13:23,469
Stop saying what you think
375
00:13:23,553 --> 00:13:26,472
and start saying what
they think back to them.
376
00:13:26,556 --> 00:13:27,765
So I should stop
cutting off everyone
377
00:13:27,849 --> 00:13:29,726
mid‐sentence to shout,
"You're wrong!"
378
00:13:29,809 --> 00:13:32,854
Ah, fine, but if this
goes kaput,
379
00:13:32,937 --> 00:13:35,148
I get all the fruit
in your fridge.
380
00:13:35,231 --> 00:13:36,566
♪♪♪
381
00:13:36,941 --> 00:13:38,901
Huh. I wonder who sent
a soaking wet package
382
00:13:38,985 --> 00:13:39,902
from the White House.
383
00:13:39,986 --> 00:13:41,029
Aah!
Aah!
384
00:13:41,112 --> 00:13:44,032
I can't eat anymore
of those goddamn peanuts!
385
00:13:44,115 --> 00:13:44,907
I can't be seen
with you!
386
00:13:44,991 --> 00:13:47,535
Quick, put a tailored
women's blazer on.
387
00:13:47,618 --> 00:13:49,203
No one can
find out we met,
388
00:13:49,287 --> 00:13:51,205
or Hannity will die
of a broken heart.
389
00:13:51,289 --> 00:13:52,999
I'm embracing
the green lifestyle,
390
00:13:53,082 --> 00:13:54,459
and my body
is rejecting it
391
00:13:54,542 --> 00:13:55,918
like the fiftieth
packing peanut.
392
00:13:56,002 --> 00:13:56,878
How do you do it?
393
00:13:56,961 --> 00:13:59,047
I don't live that
green a lifestyle.
394
00:13:59,130 --> 00:14:01,549
I eat burgers,
ride in SUVs.
395
00:14:01,632 --> 00:14:03,426
You two‐faced hypocrite!
396
00:14:03,509 --> 00:14:05,970
You're probably not even
committing white genocide.
397
00:14:06,054 --> 00:14:08,347
I promise I'm committing
white genocide.
398
00:14:08,431 --> 00:14:11,059
I just recognize that
it takes collective action
399
00:14:11,142 --> 00:14:13,311
to move the needle
on climate change.
400
00:14:13,394 --> 00:14:14,854
So I can live my life
401
00:14:14,937 --> 00:14:16,731
while still supporting
the Green New Deal.
402
00:14:16,814 --> 00:14:18,691
You're saying I can
cool the planet,
403
00:14:18,775 --> 00:14:21,069
solve my sweating problem,
and I don't have to give up
404
00:14:21,152 --> 00:14:22,653
my natural
spring water toilet?
405
00:14:22,737 --> 00:14:24,405
♪♪♪
406
00:14:24,489 --> 00:14:27,033
I am supporting
the Green New Deal,
407
00:14:27,116 --> 00:14:30,620
which will halt global warming,
watershed moment,
408
00:14:30,703 --> 00:14:33,039
blah, blah, blah,
and, most importantly,
409
00:14:33,122 --> 00:14:35,917
stop forcing me to change
my undershirt every three hours
410
00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:39,921
because it turned from white
to canary yellow.
411
00:14:40,004 --> 00:14:43,049
And I was just about
to support the Green New Deal!
412
00:14:43,132 --> 00:14:44,133
We both know
that's a lie.
413
00:14:44,217 --> 00:14:45,635
Okay.
414
00:14:45,718 --> 00:14:46,969
There's no way any Republican
will go along with this.
415
00:14:47,053 --> 00:14:50,515
Climate change is real,
and it's all our fault, folks.
416
00:14:50,598 --> 00:14:51,682
Thousands of scientists
are saying it.
417
00:14:51,766 --> 00:14:54,685
If that many scientists
told me to stop resting my head
418
00:14:54,769 --> 00:14:57,647
behind tires I would,
but so far only three have.
419
00:14:57,730 --> 00:15:00,149
It feels weird to support
the president and Mark Ruffalo.
420
00:15:00,233 --> 00:15:02,693
I feel like I'm speeding
down the highway in reverse.
421
00:15:02,777 --> 00:15:05,321
We all knew one day the
president would save the planet.
422
00:15:05,404 --> 00:15:06,906
But I assumed he'd do it
by piloting
423
00:15:06,989 --> 00:15:09,617
the Statue of Liberty
right into an alien
424
00:15:09,700 --> 00:15:10,993
spaceship's landing dock.
425
00:15:11,077 --> 00:15:13,121
He's a god, Hannity!
426
00:15:13,204 --> 00:15:16,124
Tie my shoes together,
push me down an escalator,
427
00:15:16,207 --> 00:15:18,793
and let me assist him
from the clouds.
428
00:15:18,876 --> 00:15:20,419
I am done here!
429
00:15:20,878 --> 00:15:22,130
Ha! I was right.
430
00:15:22,213 --> 00:15:24,882
There was no way
Bernie Sanders was showing up
431
00:15:24,966 --> 00:15:27,969
to a pharmaceutical
industry mixer.
432
00:15:28,052 --> 00:15:30,513
Just be patient.
He said he'd be here.
433
00:15:30,596 --> 00:15:32,306
I'm not waiting
here any longer.
434
00:15:32,390 --> 00:15:35,143
The CEO of Pfizer
is drunkenly playing hacky sack
435
00:15:35,226 --> 00:15:36,435
with his checkbook.
436
00:15:36,519 --> 00:15:37,645
[man] Ladies and gentleman,
the honorable Senator
437
00:15:37,728 --> 00:15:40,398
from Vermont, Bernie Sanders.
438
00:15:40,481 --> 00:15:41,816
[audience gasps]
439
00:15:41,899 --> 00:15:42,900
He's gorgeous!
440
00:15:42,984 --> 00:15:45,570
Senator...
you look beautiful.
441
00:15:45,653 --> 00:15:47,363
Yeah, sure.
Please tell me my table
442
00:15:47,446 --> 00:15:49,532
is not where
the air is blowing.
443
00:15:49,615 --> 00:15:51,033
It dries up my gums,
and I can't eat.
444
00:15:51,117 --> 00:15:54,954
Remember, be agreeable
and say what they want to hear.
445
00:15:55,037 --> 00:15:56,956
Shall we?
446
00:15:58,416 --> 00:16:00,668
I mean, we got to split up
these tech companies.
447
00:16:00,751 --> 00:16:03,087
Kids ‐‐ they need to stop
watching "The Social Network"
448
00:16:03,171 --> 00:16:05,756
and start watching
"The Socialism Network."
449
00:16:05,840 --> 00:16:06,841
[clears throat]
450
00:16:06,924 --> 00:16:08,801
Yeah, how's it feel?
Sucks, huh?
451
00:16:08,885 --> 00:16:11,679
This Green New Deal
has been driving me bananas.
452
00:16:11,762 --> 00:16:12,638
What's more pressing,
453
00:16:12,722 --> 00:16:15,808
human extinction
or bipartisan civility?
454
00:16:15,892 --> 00:16:17,560
Scientists say we have
12 years before
455
00:16:17,643 --> 00:16:18,769
humanity is wiped out,
so what's the rush?
456
00:16:18,853 --> 00:16:19,770
That's three
Olympics away!
457
00:16:19,854 --> 00:16:22,857
Bernie,
what do you think?
458
00:16:22,940 --> 00:16:24,692
[Romney] Be agreeable.
459
00:16:24,775 --> 00:16:25,985
Hmm...
460
00:16:26,068 --> 00:16:28,863
And for Pete's sake, taste
your food before you salt it.
461
00:16:28,946 --> 00:16:31,199
That way you know if
it even needs salt.
462
00:16:31,282 --> 00:16:33,201
I agree
with you guys.
463
00:16:33,284 --> 00:16:34,285
‐Uh‐huh.
‐Uh‐huh.
464
00:16:34,368 --> 00:16:38,372
The private sector
is perfectly capable of...
465
00:16:38,456 --> 00:16:40,416
s‐solving climate change.
466
00:16:40,499 --> 00:16:41,751
‐Uh‐huh!
‐Uh‐huh!
467
00:16:41,834 --> 00:16:43,836
I was just about to
say what Bernie said.
468
00:16:43,920 --> 00:16:46,088
Shut up, Cory.
Bernie, I must say,
469
00:16:46,172 --> 00:16:48,549
you keep this up,
the Democratic Party
470
00:16:48,633 --> 00:16:51,177
might just have to board
this crazy train.
471
00:16:51,260 --> 00:16:52,595
I'll toast to that.
472
00:16:52,678 --> 00:16:53,554
‐To Bernie!
‐To Bernie!
473
00:16:53,638 --> 00:16:55,848
♪♪♪
474
00:16:55,932 --> 00:16:57,892
I'd also like
to toast to Bernie.
475
00:16:57,975 --> 00:17:00,561
Cory, you know when
someone wants something so bad
476
00:17:00,645 --> 00:17:03,314
so that's the only reason
you don't give it to them?
477
00:17:03,397 --> 00:17:04,607
♪♪♪
478
00:17:04,690 --> 00:17:06,984
90 degrees yesterday,
80 degrees today.
479
00:17:07,068 --> 00:17:09,946
Should be a breezy 70
by tomorrow,
480
00:17:10,029 --> 00:17:11,822
then we can shitcan
this Green New Deal.
481
00:17:11,906 --> 00:17:14,033
Good news, President Awesome,
the G‐20 nations
482
00:17:14,116 --> 00:17:17,662
are putting together
a ceremony in your honor.
483
00:17:17,745 --> 00:17:20,164
I'm not surprised.
Has anyone in world history
484
00:17:20,248 --> 00:17:22,333
done more to solve
their sweating problem?
485
00:17:22,416 --> 00:17:26,754
And there's two young men
who'd like to say "thank you."
486
00:17:26,837 --> 00:17:30,883
Come on in guys.
Don't be shy.
487
00:17:30,967 --> 00:17:33,219
"Dear Mister President,
488
00:17:33,302 --> 00:17:34,887
thank you for stopping
global warming.
489
00:17:34,971 --> 00:17:37,515
You are
a good president.
490
00:17:37,598 --> 00:17:39,725
Did you always want
to be president?
491
00:17:39,809 --> 00:17:42,228
Love,
Donald Junior Trump.
492
00:17:42,311 --> 00:17:43,729
P.S. What time
is it there?"
493
00:17:43,813 --> 00:17:45,565
"Dear Mister Pres‐‐"
494
00:17:45,648 --> 00:17:46,148
Shut the hell up, Eric.
495
00:17:46,232 --> 00:17:48,025
Kellyanne, what is this?
496
00:17:48,109 --> 00:17:50,945
You put future generations
ahead of yourself,
497
00:17:51,028 --> 00:17:53,656
and now every child
will want to hug your leg.
498
00:17:53,739 --> 00:17:54,949
Yaayyy.
499
00:17:55,032 --> 00:17:56,242
♪ dramatic music ♪
500
00:17:56,325 --> 00:18:00,413
The most important policy
we can have is unity.
501
00:18:00,496 --> 00:18:03,874
Now I can take a few questions,
but, please, don't get too close
502
00:18:03,958 --> 00:18:05,251
to the mic.
That foam thing's a Petri dish.
503
00:18:05,334 --> 00:18:09,130
[man] Hey, why'd you say all
that lame stuff on tape?
504
00:18:09,213 --> 00:18:10,131
‐Yeah!
‐That sucked!
505
00:18:10,214 --> 00:18:10,840
What are these kids
talking about?
506
00:18:10,923 --> 00:18:13,009
They're supposed to like me.
507
00:18:13,926 --> 00:18:17,471
And another thing.
99% of Americans
508
00:18:17,555 --> 00:18:21,767
are dependent upon government
and believe that they are
509
00:18:21,851 --> 00:18:24,437
entitled to healthcare,
food, pre‐schools
510
00:18:24,520 --> 00:18:26,897
not owned by Walmart,
you name it.
511
00:18:26,981 --> 00:18:28,399
‐Yeah!
‐You said it, Bernie!
512
00:18:28,482 --> 00:18:32,111
If you don't make
$150,000 a year,
513
00:18:32,194 --> 00:18:33,988
you should not be
allowed to vote.
514
00:18:34,071 --> 00:18:36,073
[crowd chanting] Bernie!
Bernie!
515
00:18:36,157 --> 00:18:38,576
I agree with
what Bernie said.
516
00:18:38,659 --> 00:18:41,162
Shut up, Cory!
517
00:18:41,245 --> 00:18:43,080
What the hell
was I thinking?
518
00:18:43,164 --> 00:18:45,499
I got applause from
one guy without a man bun,
519
00:18:45,583 --> 00:18:46,292
and I just went nuts.
520
00:18:47,209 --> 00:18:50,129
[knock on door]
Don't come in here unless
521
00:18:50,212 --> 00:18:53,174
you're Scott Baio with a trench
coat full of cool watches.
522
00:18:53,257 --> 00:18:54,175
Are you okay?
523
00:18:54,258 --> 00:18:55,676
Did you remember
that you accidentally
524
00:18:55,760 --> 00:18:57,845
kept the XFL offices
operational ten years
525
00:18:57,928 --> 00:18:58,929
after the league folded?
526
00:18:59,013 --> 00:19:00,848
It's cool outside,
but I still started sweating.
527
00:19:00,931 --> 00:19:03,184
How is that possible?
528
00:19:03,267 --> 00:19:05,019
Sometimes we start
sweating because of
529
00:19:05,102 --> 00:19:06,479
our feelings
on the inside.
530
00:19:06,562 --> 00:19:07,521
Not me, of course.
531
00:19:07,605 --> 00:19:09,023
I've scooped those out
like pumpkin guts.
532
00:19:09,106 --> 00:19:10,691
Tell me how to control
my feelings on the inside.
533
00:19:10,775 --> 00:19:12,693
I beg you!
534
00:19:12,777 --> 00:19:14,695
So, uh...
Uhhh...
535
00:19:14,779 --> 00:19:16,864
You can control
your feelings...
536
00:19:16,947 --> 00:19:18,658
With this magic...
537
00:19:18,741 --> 00:19:20,701
Chandelier!
538
00:19:21,952 --> 00:19:23,287
Great.
How's it work?
539
00:19:23,371 --> 00:19:24,538
Uh, whenever you're
feeling worried, just...
540
00:19:24,622 --> 00:19:26,415
Shake it!
541
00:19:26,499 --> 00:19:27,958
You guys
are life savers.
542
00:19:28,042 --> 00:19:30,711
Can someone get
some chandelier clippers?
543
00:19:31,545 --> 00:19:33,923
I'm ruined,
and it's all your fault!
544
00:19:34,006 --> 00:19:35,883
Hold on there, Mister.
545
00:19:35,966 --> 00:19:37,176
Everything you said
was right.
546
00:19:37,259 --> 00:19:39,095
The only thing you left out
is that people who own
547
00:19:39,178 --> 00:19:40,262
fewer than five horses
should be sterilized.
548
00:19:40,346 --> 00:19:44,058
I don't believe that,
and the only reason I said
549
00:19:44,141 --> 00:19:47,395
any of those things was
because of your bad influence.
550
00:19:47,478 --> 00:19:48,354
Dad, is everything
all right?
551
00:19:48,437 --> 00:19:52,024
I heard loud voices like
in a gangster film!
552
00:19:52,108 --> 00:19:53,567
Of course it is, Tagg.
553
00:19:53,651 --> 00:19:55,569
Daddy and Uncle Bernie
are just talking.
554
00:19:55,653 --> 00:19:56,987
Your daddy is a real
piece of shit.
555
00:19:57,071 --> 00:19:59,740
Holy Store Brand
Baloney!
556
00:19:59,824 --> 00:20:00,616
Bernie, it's time
to leave.
557
00:20:00,700 --> 00:20:03,035
Tagg, please walk Bernie
down the stairs,
558
00:20:03,119 --> 00:20:04,912
through the library,
past the kitchen,
559
00:20:04,995 --> 00:20:06,914
around the second kitchen,
past the spa,
560
00:20:06,997 --> 00:20:09,583
down the steps, through
the garden to his car.
561
00:20:19,468 --> 00:20:20,594
[cheers and applause]
562
00:20:20,678 --> 00:20:23,222
As long as I have
the chandelier, I'll be fine.
563
00:20:23,305 --> 00:20:25,474
[announcer] And now
children from around
564
00:20:25,558 --> 00:20:30,187
the world unite in song
in honor of Mr. Trump.
565
00:20:30,271 --> 00:20:31,605
[man] Oh, yes!
566
00:20:31,689 --> 00:20:33,733
♪ If we want
to save the world ♪
567
00:20:33,816 --> 00:20:35,651
♪ And for Mother Earth's
health ♪
568
00:20:35,735 --> 00:20:36,944
♪ We must think of
the children ♪
569
00:20:37,027 --> 00:20:38,112
[glass clinks]
570
00:20:38,195 --> 00:20:38,988
♪ Instead of ourselves ♪
571
00:20:39,071 --> 00:20:41,907
♪ So let's start riding bikes ♪
572
00:20:41,991 --> 00:20:43,075
♪ And stop private planes ♪
573
00:20:43,159 --> 00:20:46,162
♪ And recycle our plastics ♪
574
00:20:46,245 --> 00:20:47,288
♪ To cut down on waste ♪
575
00:20:47,371 --> 00:20:49,206
♪ And we'll wash our own
clothes ♪
576
00:20:49,290 --> 00:20:52,293
♪ And we'll eat
meat‐free meals ♪
577
00:20:52,376 --> 00:20:53,127
♪ And we'll grow our own kale ♪
578
00:20:53,210 --> 00:20:55,337
I'm flying back
to the White House
579
00:20:55,421 --> 00:20:57,131
to pack up my shit
before he gets back.
580
00:20:57,214 --> 00:20:59,383
Excuse me, pardon me,
out of my way!
581
00:20:59,467 --> 00:21:01,260
I'll strike you
in the throat!
582
00:21:01,343 --> 00:21:03,804
♪ So think of the children
instead of yourselves ♪
583
00:21:03,888 --> 00:21:06,891
Stttooopppp!
584
00:21:06,974 --> 00:21:09,101
Shut up! Shut Up!
585
00:21:09,185 --> 00:21:10,436
I don't care about you kids.
586
00:21:10,519 --> 00:21:13,189
I care about my skin
not making a peeling sound
587
00:21:13,272 --> 00:21:16,358
every time I get out
of a leather chair!
588
00:21:16,442 --> 00:21:18,527
I'm pulling out of
the Green New Deal!
589
00:21:18,611 --> 00:21:19,487
[audience gasps]
Oh, no!
590
00:21:19,570 --> 00:21:22,782
I'm replacing it with
the Green No Deal!
591
00:21:22,865 --> 00:21:24,533
If you're not blowtorching
your way through
592
00:21:24,617 --> 00:21:26,786
Glacier National Park,
we're gonna bury you underground
593
00:21:26,869 --> 00:21:28,788
until you're coal.
594
00:21:28,871 --> 00:21:31,665
Enjoy the heat!
595
00:21:31,749 --> 00:21:32,082
[thuds, audience gasps]
596
00:21:32,166 --> 00:21:34,835
[laughter]
597
00:21:36,337 --> 00:21:39,298
After President Trump
fell unconscious,
598
00:21:39,381 --> 00:21:41,467
the deeply offended
G‐20 leaders cheered on
599
00:21:41,550 --> 00:21:44,553
the children as they
drew messages of hope
600
00:21:44,637 --> 00:21:45,888
on the President's face.
601
00:21:45,971 --> 00:21:48,349
The president's sweat caused
the ink to run,
602
00:21:48,432 --> 00:21:51,185
so they all agreed to
tattoo the images instead.
603
00:21:51,268 --> 00:21:52,019
[camera shutters clicking]
604
00:21:52,102 --> 00:21:52,895
‐Bernie!
‐Mr. Sanders!
605
00:21:52,978 --> 00:21:54,355
‐What were you thinking?
‐Is this the end
606
00:21:54,438 --> 00:21:55,356
of your campaign?
607
00:21:55,439 --> 00:21:57,733
If it is, I will retire
608
00:21:57,817 --> 00:22:00,653
and make it my duty
to tell people on ferries
609
00:22:00,736 --> 00:22:01,904
not to lean on the railings.
610
00:22:01,987 --> 00:22:05,991
There's nothing you can't see if
you take one step back, folks.
611
00:22:06,075 --> 00:22:07,993
‐Bernie!
‐Bernie!
612
00:22:08,077 --> 00:22:10,329
You're pretty lucky your son
has extensive experience
613
00:22:10,412 --> 00:22:13,040
getting tattoos of dicks
removed from his face.
614
00:22:13,123 --> 00:22:14,708
Boys, the Green New Deal
is toast,
615
00:22:14,792 --> 00:22:16,710
and my face is
melting like butter.
616
00:22:16,794 --> 00:22:20,047
Maybe you can put
the butter on the toast?
617
00:22:20,130 --> 00:22:21,215
Eric, we're gonna go ahead
and reinstate that
618
00:22:21,298 --> 00:22:23,509
"one sentence per day"
policy.
619
00:22:23,592 --> 00:22:25,928
I need to stop sweating,
but I want to do it
620
00:22:26,011 --> 00:22:28,389
without leaving even
a single scrap of planet
621
00:22:28,472 --> 00:22:29,723
for the next generation.
622
00:22:29,807 --> 00:22:31,475
Wait a second.
Does the Green New Deal
623
00:22:31,559 --> 00:22:33,394
specify how the money
is allocated?
624
00:22:33,477 --> 00:22:35,229
Don, it's
a spending bill.
625
00:22:35,312 --> 00:22:37,314
It's like the government
passed out in a whorehouse
626
00:22:37,398 --> 00:22:40,276
and everyone has until daylight
to root through its pockets.
627
00:22:40,860 --> 00:22:42,778
[grunts]
628
00:22:42,862 --> 00:22:45,614
The one day I forget
my tailbone pillow.
629
00:22:45,698 --> 00:22:47,825
Room for one more
human man?
630
00:22:47,908 --> 00:22:49,201
[exhales sharply]
I'm sorry about what
631
00:22:49,285 --> 00:22:52,246
I said, Mitt, and for
calling you
632
00:22:52,329 --> 00:22:53,330
a piece of blue‐blood shit
in front of your son, Tagg.
633
00:22:53,414 --> 00:22:56,166
[sighs] His bedwetting
has returned,
634
00:22:56,250 --> 00:22:58,252
but luckily we never
took off the plastic sheets.
635
00:22:58,335 --> 00:22:59,420
How do I do it, Mitt?
636
00:22:59,503 --> 00:23:02,965
How do I look like a nominee
and stay true to myself?
637
00:23:03,048 --> 00:23:04,925
You know, when I was
governor of Massachusetts,
638
00:23:05,009 --> 00:23:07,469
I betrayed my principles
when I passed Romneycare.
639
00:23:07,553 --> 00:23:09,763
Sure, it guaranteed our
residents would never die
640
00:23:09,847 --> 00:23:10,973
due to lack of
health insurance,
641
00:23:11,056 --> 00:23:12,349
but it nearly killed
my presidential chances.
642
00:23:12,433 --> 00:23:15,060
I vowed to never betray
my principles again,
643
00:23:15,144 --> 00:23:17,313
and look at me now.
644
00:23:17,396 --> 00:23:20,024
I won the Senate
Punctuality Award.
645
00:23:20,107 --> 00:23:21,984
Well, I shared it
with John Thune, but still.
646
00:23:22,067 --> 00:23:22,943
[thudding in distance]
647
00:23:23,027 --> 00:23:25,779
What in General Mills'
Rice Chex was that?
648
00:23:25,863 --> 00:23:27,281
Thank God you
heard that, too.
649
00:23:27,364 --> 00:23:30,075
I thought my sinuses
collapsed again.
650
00:23:30,159 --> 00:23:31,285
[Donald Jr.] Thanks to that
Green New Deal cash,
651
00:23:31,368 --> 00:23:34,288
this mega air‐conditioning
unit will cool
652
00:23:34,371 --> 00:23:35,456
the entire
White House grounds.
653
00:23:35,539 --> 00:23:39,251
Whether inside or outside,
you shalt not sweat.
654
00:23:39,335 --> 00:23:40,753
You forgot the best part.
655
00:23:40,836 --> 00:23:42,671
It's terrible for
the environment.
656
00:23:42,755 --> 00:23:44,131
A/C begins in
three...
657
00:23:44,214 --> 00:23:47,843
[whirring]
...two...one.
658
00:23:47,927 --> 00:23:51,972
♪♪♪
659
00:23:52,056 --> 00:23:56,268
♪♪♪
660
00:23:56,352 --> 00:23:58,520
Should we be worried about
that plume of CO2 gas?
661
00:23:58,604 --> 00:24:01,815
In my experience,
nothing bad's ever happened
662
00:24:01,899 --> 00:24:03,734
involving
the word "plume."
663
00:24:04,568 --> 00:24:06,654
You're watching a massive
air‐conditioning unit
664
00:24:06,737 --> 00:24:08,697
cool the White House
as it shoots deadly gas
665
00:24:08,781 --> 00:24:10,074
into the atmosphere.
666
00:24:10,157 --> 00:24:13,202
Meanwhile, the average global
temperature is already rising.
667
00:24:13,285 --> 00:24:14,119
Bad news day.
668
00:24:14,203 --> 00:24:15,955
But let's get to
the important point.
669
00:24:16,038 --> 00:24:19,500
How will horses dying en masse
affect the electoral horse race?
670
00:24:19,583 --> 00:24:22,670
Coming up, analysis from
a former Reagan speechwriter.
671
00:24:22,753 --> 00:24:23,837
[Sanders] Oh, no.
672
00:24:23,921 --> 00:24:25,631
If it gets too hot,
my tomato plants are done for.
673
00:24:25,714 --> 00:24:29,927
Alright, I'm gonna go
stop that air conditioner.
674
00:24:30,010 --> 00:24:32,346
Give me some of your pomade
so I can get past security.
675
00:24:32,429 --> 00:24:35,474
Bernie, you don't
need that pomade.
676
00:24:35,557 --> 00:24:37,142
You've demonstrated that
you can hang with
677
00:24:37,226 --> 00:24:39,812
the mainstream political class
by hanging with me,
678
00:24:39,895 --> 00:24:41,855
a quarter billionaire
whose religion
679
00:24:41,939 --> 00:24:43,565
was invented
after baseball.
680
00:24:43,649 --> 00:24:44,650
You be yourself.
681
00:24:44,733 --> 00:24:46,402
I'll help you get
through security.
682
00:24:47,945 --> 00:24:50,197
You know when the temperature
is like, you're not sweating,
683
00:24:50,280 --> 00:24:51,490
but you're worried
about sweating?
684
00:24:51,573 --> 00:24:53,409
Yeah, you want me to
turn up the A/C?
685
00:24:53,492 --> 00:24:54,994
If you're getting up.
686
00:24:55,077 --> 00:24:57,621
[A/C beeps]
687
00:24:57,705 --> 00:25:00,040
[rumbling]
688
00:25:00,124 --> 00:25:02,209
Sick plume!
689
00:25:02,292 --> 00:25:04,336
Oh, hello,
jackbooted pigs.
690
00:25:04,420 --> 00:25:06,630
I'm the 99% here to
confront the President.
691
00:25:06,714 --> 00:25:08,757
Americans should have
clean water for their bongs.
692
00:25:08,841 --> 00:25:11,677
Also, as is customary
for a government moocher,
693
00:25:11,760 --> 00:25:13,053
I've pooped my pants.
694
00:25:13,137 --> 00:25:14,054
Isn't that Mitt Romney?
695
00:25:14,138 --> 00:25:15,723
That guy fired my uncle!
696
00:25:15,806 --> 00:25:17,224
Let's kick his ass!
697
00:25:17,307 --> 00:25:18,517
Ow, oh, ow!
698
00:25:18,600 --> 00:25:20,269
Your grandchildren will
thank you for this, Mitt.
699
00:25:20,352 --> 00:25:22,813
All 84 of them.
700
00:25:22,896 --> 00:25:25,274
Brrr. It's getting
a little chilly.
701
00:25:25,357 --> 00:25:26,400
Mind throwing another
tire on the fire?
702
00:25:26,483 --> 00:25:29,570
We're out,
so Styrofoam it is.
703
00:25:29,653 --> 00:25:31,655
Stop right there, mister!
704
00:25:31,739 --> 00:25:32,614
Ha! What do you want,
Crazy Bernie?
705
00:25:32,698 --> 00:25:35,534
To leech off my
air‐conditioning unit?
706
00:25:35,617 --> 00:25:37,578
Maybe if you stopped
looking for handouts,
707
00:25:37,661 --> 00:25:41,040
you'd work hard enough
to get taxpayers to buy
708
00:25:41,123 --> 00:25:42,541
you a giant
air‐conditioner.
709
00:25:42,624 --> 00:25:45,085
Donald, you and I have
a lot in common.
710
00:25:45,169 --> 00:25:47,588
We both support gun rights,
our base would rather die
711
00:25:47,671 --> 00:25:48,589
than see a woman president,
we both remember
712
00:25:48,672 --> 00:25:52,176
the jitterbug,
but mainly we are outsiders
713
00:25:52,259 --> 00:25:53,844
who wound up
in the mainstream.
714
00:25:53,927 --> 00:25:54,928
And it's been
uncomfortable.
715
00:25:55,012 --> 00:25:58,307
But we can still pursue
our goals while sticking
716
00:25:58,390 --> 00:26:01,185
to our
outsider principles.
717
00:26:01,268 --> 00:26:03,312
How do I do that and still
stop my sweating?
718
00:26:03,395 --> 00:26:08,358
Okay, hear me out.
Mesh suits.
719
00:26:08,442 --> 00:26:09,860
Sorry, Bernie.
720
00:26:09,943 --> 00:26:11,278
This is just slightly
easier for me,
721
00:26:11,361 --> 00:26:12,905
so it's kind of
a no‐brainer.
722
00:26:12,988 --> 00:26:14,990
[ThinkPad jingles]
723
00:26:15,074 --> 00:26:17,659
Oh, it finished updating
just in time.
724
00:26:17,743 --> 00:26:21,997
I'm gonna hack into the A/C
and shut it down for good.
725
00:26:22,081 --> 00:26:24,625
Bernie, your laptop
is glowing white hot.
726
00:26:24,708 --> 00:26:29,129
Do you know if a '94 ThinkPad
can run on the X‐P?
727
00:26:29,213 --> 00:26:30,881
She's gonna blow!
728
00:26:32,591 --> 00:26:34,468
ThinkPad, looks like you're
going to be rebooting in Heaven,
729
00:26:34,551 --> 00:26:36,720
which is, of course,
a made up place
730
00:26:36,804 --> 00:26:37,846
only an idiot would
believe in.
731
00:26:37,930 --> 00:26:39,598
[grunts]
732
00:26:39,681 --> 00:26:41,475
♪♪♪
733
00:26:41,558 --> 00:26:44,645
[beeps, electricity crackles]
734
00:26:47,898 --> 00:26:49,399
♪♪♪
735
00:26:49,483 --> 00:26:51,235
Whoa!
Bernie, I'm mad
736
00:26:51,318 --> 00:26:54,446
you blew up my air conditioner,
but I'm happy to finally see
737
00:26:54,530 --> 00:26:55,823
a mushroom cloud.
738
00:26:55,906 --> 00:26:57,866
And I'm happy that
you've accelerated
739
00:26:57,950 --> 00:27:00,869
this country's decline
so that a class revolution
740
00:27:00,953 --> 00:27:04,039
is basically
a foregone conclusion.
741
00:27:04,123 --> 00:27:06,041
Aww, my face is beet red,
742
00:27:06,125 --> 00:27:08,669
and it's not just the Freon
sizzling my skin.
743
00:27:08,752 --> 00:27:09,920
[Donald Jr.]
Dad, you're missing it!
744
00:27:10,003 --> 00:27:13,841
After Mass‐Extinction‐Gate,
the President won't have
745
00:27:13,924 --> 00:27:16,802
the political capital necessary
to solve the climate crisis.
746
00:27:16,885 --> 00:27:18,387
Meanwhile, Bernie Sanders
is back at the front
747
00:27:18,470 --> 00:27:20,639
of the Democratic pack.
748
00:27:20,722 --> 00:27:22,683
I wonder if he's had time
lately to watch the movie
749
00:27:22,766 --> 00:27:26,186
"The Social‐‐
The Socialism Network"?
750
00:27:26,270 --> 00:27:28,438
If I hadn't said it wrong, it
would have gotten a big laugh.
751
00:27:30,107 --> 00:27:33,068
Aww. That Freon did a number
on my throat.
752
00:27:33,151 --> 00:27:35,445
Should have never
scraped off those lozenges.
753
00:27:35,529 --> 00:27:38,073
Bernie, that was amazing
what ya did.
754
00:27:38,156 --> 00:27:39,408
‐You're my hero.
‐We all agree you did good.
755
00:27:39,491 --> 00:27:41,159
Nice job, fucko.
Why don't you come
756
00:27:41,243 --> 00:27:43,036
get plastered with us
in Kamala's hotel room?
757
00:27:43,120 --> 00:27:44,121
I stole a prisoner's
toilet wine.
758
00:27:44,204 --> 00:27:47,124
♪♪♪
759
00:27:47,207 --> 00:27:49,960
Thanks, guys, but I still
got a few dozen more
760
00:27:50,043 --> 00:27:51,628
punch cards
to go through.
761
00:27:51,712 --> 00:27:52,796
Now, let's see here.
I've got an unused ticket
762
00:27:52,880 --> 00:27:56,508
to Staten Island Ferry,
beer parlor two‐for‐one,
763
00:27:56,592 --> 00:27:59,678
Walter Matthau's business card,
a half a dozen half dollars?
764
00:27:59,761 --> 00:28:02,222
That's why this
thing's so heavy.
765
00:28:02,973 --> 00:28:06,059
The important thing is
you tried to save the world
766
00:28:06,143 --> 00:28:07,436
for us, Dad.
767
00:28:07,519 --> 00:28:08,729
I don't care if you live
or die, but thanks.
768
00:28:08,812 --> 00:28:11,857
Dad, you're not sweating
like a hog anymore!
769
00:28:11,940 --> 00:28:14,234
You did it!
I sure did,
770
00:28:14,318 --> 00:28:16,069
and all it took was
blowing up half the White House
771
00:28:16,153 --> 00:28:17,070
to get this great
cross‐breeze going.
772
00:28:17,154 --> 00:28:19,072
Whew!
773
00:28:19,156 --> 00:28:20,324
Whoa! Shit ton of
squirrels in here, Dad.
774
00:28:20,407 --> 00:28:21,617
Don't worry, Don.
775
00:28:21,700 --> 00:28:24,870
They'll be extinct
in no time.
776
00:28:24,953 --> 00:28:26,288
['80s‐style pop music plays]
777
00:28:26,371 --> 00:28:29,416
♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪
778
00:28:29,499 --> 00:28:32,920
♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪
779
00:28:33,003 --> 00:28:35,339
♪ Is Donald Trump
the president? ♪
780
00:28:35,422 --> 00:28:36,423
♪ Yes, he is ♪
781
00:28:36,506 --> 00:28:39,927
♪ Yes, he is,
we elected him president ♪
782
00:28:40,010 --> 00:28:42,596
♪ Is Donald Trump
the president? ♪
783
00:28:42,679 --> 00:28:44,014
♪ Yes, he is ♪
784
00:28:44,097 --> 00:28:47,059
♪ We had a vote
and elected him president ♪
785
00:28:47,142 --> 00:28:52,147
♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪
786
00:28:53,440 --> 00:28:55,984
♪ Donald Trump ♪
787
00:28:56,068 --> 00:28:59,404
♪ He is our president ♪
788
00:28:59,488 --> 00:29:02,866
♪ We made him president ♪
789
00:29:02,950 --> 00:29:05,160
♪ We did it ♪
790
00:29:05,243 --> 00:29:09,122
♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪
791
00:29:09,206 --> 00:29:12,167
♪ We elected Donald Trump ♪
792
00:29:12,250 --> 00:29:15,671
♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪
793
00:29:15,754 --> 00:29:19,299
♪ Donald Trump
is the president ♪
794
00:29:19,383 --> 00:29:23,053
♪ Yeah ♪
795
00:29:23,136 --> 00:29:24,262
Trump!