U-S-A!
Hello, racist bumper-sticker salespeople,
guys who've punched a claw machine,
people who frequently graffiti their ex's garage door,
teens who will have their Ivy League admission rescinded,
and other shrieking jackals!
I'm here to announce that, in 2020,
win or lose, I will win the election!
I'm walking over here now...
showing you that I'm keepin' it loose...
proving to everyone that I can be a tough walkin' man.
And now I'm moseying on back.
Now, as I explained to ABC's George Snuffaluffagus,
I am now accepting foreign intelligence
on my Democratic opponents.
Simply call the number below!
Operators are standing by!
No more stuff on Biden. That treasure chest is full!
So many people have made tonight possible,
but none more so than Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer.
You two have done absolutely nothing to stop me,
and, for that, please accept this statue of a family dog
watching the house get robbed.
You said we'd discuss the infrastructure bill!
You're being too pushy.
Thank you, Mr. President.
-Thank you, everyone! -You're making us blush!
For more on my second-term agenda,
please direct your easily seized attention to the jumbotron!
If you thought President Trump's first term
got your pulse pounding,
his second term will make your heart explode.
National Guard...on speed dial.
Nuclear secrets...for sale.
Basic human decency...buh-bye!
And think Trump can't spell any worse?
Think aglenn.
Donald Trump 2020.
You're Gonna Get a Rash, Buster.
Alright!
Who wants pig hearts?!
Not enough to go around, so start clawing!
Don, did you put the crime sock on the door?
Yeah, Dad. No one will bother us.
Okay, let's talk shady self-enrichment!
How's our Washington hotel?
We're killing it!
The Chinese spent five million dollars on room service.
It's floor-to-ceiling french toast!
Okay, let's hear from my favorite son.
Ivanka?
Mnuchin gave me the keys to the Treasury
and said on the weekends, anything goes!
What the hell, Pompeo?!
Hey, is this sock on the doorknob up for grabs?
-It's pretty nice. -La la la la la!
I can't hear what's being conspired in here!
Hey, can I talk to you for a second?
Look what you did, Pompeo!
You take the crime sock off the door,
and this place turns into Grand Central Station!
So...can I put this on my foot or...?
Even though Mueller gave you a pass on collusion,
you still have to worry about the money laundering,
the campaign finance violations,
and those other crimes I won't mention in case
there's still recording devices hidden in the lampshades.
Hello. I'll just pardon myself. Are we done?
I could be committing systematic genocide right now.
Okay, it is far from guaranteed that the Supreme Court
will uphold the power to pardon yourself.
Of course they will, Jared.
The ruling was foretold in the Great Prophecy of Valantium.
Let me ask you.
H-How exactly do you think the Supreme Court works?
If you spent less time in the weight room
and more time in class, you would know that...
...every half moon, the Supreme Court
rises out of the ancient swamps of Kilga-Goranth
to exact their righteous judgment on our kind.
The big, buff justices
wear magical cloaks that they can keep on
even when they go through airport security.
♪ Justice ♪
You're actually a lot closer than I thought.
Ooh, justice!
Mmm, justice.
Ooh, justice.
I'm Jake Tapper, and I go to movies
just to shush stepdads and their sons.
Justice John Roberts spoke today at a legal conference
and discussed the power of the president
to pardon himself. Take a look.
Obviously, I'm not going to present my opinion here,
but I will say that
presidential power is not absolute.
Here to analyze Roberts' comments
is constitutional scholar, political expert,
and mezzo soprano -- me.
♪ Trump is definitely screwed ♪
I booked our next big-game hunting trip, Don!
They just shove a drugged-up lion
into the back of a Honda Odyssey,
and we get to shoot it through the windows.
I'm afraid you'll have to take those hunting trips alone.
As the eldest, I'll be inheriting
the presidency in 2024.
So if you're launching your political career,
does that mean I'm gonna run the Trump Organization?
You're not cut out for that!
You're meant for dumber shit like ventriloquism school.
I tried, but me and Deion the Donkey
didn't have what it takes.
Then you must show Dad that you can be
an upstanding businessman like me.
Now pretend you lost your factory job
so I can practice nodding as if I care.
W-We're down to one single sheet... Okay. Uh-huh. I don't care.
...of white bread for my family of eleven. I mean, I do care.
Nodding, nodding. Please, Mr. Trump.
You're not screwed.
You got four out of five
conservative justices in the bag.
Just go schmooze the robes off of him.
I'm not the schmoozer, Mitch. I'm the schmooz-ee.
Check the mug. I just wish I could add more buff
Supreme Court justices who dig my vibe.
That's called "packing the court,"
and there's nothing in the Constitution
that says you can't do it.
I'm sorry, but why the eff did you not say this earlier?
Upending centuries of judicial protocol
is way easier than schmoozing John Roberts for three minutes!
Just a heads up, though.
The Democrats might have some thoughts on this.
And as Aristotle said,
"Fear is pain...
...arising from the anticipation of evil."
That concludes my one-slide PowerPoint by Eric Tump.
Sorry about the typo. I couldn't find the backspace.
Eric, you're just not cut out for the family business.
Remember when I let you build Trump International Manhattan?
I believe you're referring to the infamous Jelly Tower.
We saved a lot of money on beans
but lost a lot of money on jelly.
Hmm.
My father liked to dangle his approval in front of me,
and it's only right I do the same.
Prove to me you can handle more responsibility,
and I'll make you my last-ditch pick for CEO.
Dad, I'll be so responsible, you'll leave your kids with me.
Fat chance! My kids are assholes!
You wouldn't last a second!
We now join the Senate Judiciary Committee
who is hearing testimony from President Trump's
Supreme Court nominee, My Pillow CEO, Michael Lindell.
So, I crawled out of the drain pipe,
my pants shredded like those things
that slap you at the car wash
when you're hiding out from three guys
with knives Scotch-taped to their knuckles,
and all I've got left to my name
is a baby bottle full of NyQuil and 30 dimes of flake.
So I'm thinkin', "Mikey, ya gotta get the heck out of Fresno
before you end up married again."
Sir, uh, all we asked was your date of birth.
I can give you the month -- summer.
"Crash-and-burn" is what people are saying
about Trump's effort to pack the court.
The three remaining nominees withdrew after learning
their wages would be garnished for child support. Yeesh!
Oh, God.
Donald J. Trump, the court finds you guilty
of phony witch-hunt charges made up by losers and fakes!
I sentence you to a million years in prison!
Recreation time is up!
Everyone back in their cells
for 23 hours of sedentary rest!
Hooray! Whoo!
Ahh. I kinda like this.
No one's making me do stuff, food's chewy,
I get cool geometric tattoos from white supremacists.
You said it, Dad! I mean, roomie!
I got a million years in here, too!
How many years is a million years? Let's count.
One, two, three, four, five...
sex -- sick! -- seven!
You were right, Mitch.
I must be the schmoozer,
and Supreme Court, the schmoozees.
Great! What we need is a fancy place
where French guys serve Italian food under Chinese lanterns!
We're in Washington, Rudy.
All the restaurants suck, and there aren't any good
husband-and-wife cabaret acts.
There's only one place ritzy enough
to schmooze Roberts and those other nobodies.
The place where everyone can be whoever they want to be.
As long as they pay the $200,000 fee.
Where on Earth could that be?!
Thank you for all willingly coming to Mar-a-Lago!
For the 1st Annual Supreme Court Gala Spectacular!
Your security detail picked us all up
from our homes in the dead of night.
And they scared the daylights
out of the paparazzi standing in my yard.
Did you know that last year they made two movies about me?
Yes.
Who gives a crap how we got here?
We're away from our jobs, our families,
the specters of our past.
That's the alarming spirit.
Swing vote John Roberts, you're so cute and dangerous.
Come ride with me in my executive golf cart.
The rest of you can ride in Stephen Miller's hatchback.
No eating of the smoked trout in the back seat!
That's for Uber customers.
Does Roberts look like he'll melt in my arms yet?
I'd worry more about your sailor on shore leave over there.
It says you're open at 8:00, but it's 8:02!
I could sue you for false advertising!
He asked the concierge if, instead of a regular room
with a mini-bar,
he could get a mini-room with a regular bar.
I could look after Judge Kavanaugh!
Sure, kid.
Keep that twitchy lush from ruining my schmooze-fest,
and you can be CEO of any of my billion-dollar fronts.
Excuse me. Could I have a juice?
My on-again-off-again boyfriend always gets me a juice.
I told you -- he's a starfucker!
To get the full Mar-a-Lago experience,
you gotta sit with the power players.
Rudy Giuliani. God damn it!
I spilled ketchup on the gravy I spilled on my suit!
Shinzo Abe. He's always here.
Then there's this Russian guy. We have an understanding.
He tells me to do stuff, and I do it.
We should really invite over the other justices.
They actually told me they think you stink
and are probably a bad kisser.
The best way to get back at them is to let me pardon myself
for crimes past, present, and future.
I...have to go to the little men's room.
Oy. Way to go, Shinzo. You blew it.
Take your meal back to your room.
It's always Shinzo's fault.
And don't spill caramel on the bed again!
I know!
So, in order to graduate
from Victor Balloon's School of Ventriloquism,
Deion the Donkey and I needed to execute
the fabled double-donkey hee-haw.
Anyways, you work at, uh...?
SCOTUS! I should have never signed up!
It's the worst thing I've ever done!
Where's my beer?!
I worked my whole life to drink a beer right now!
I'm actually not supposed to let you drink.
Uhh! But I like beer! I like beer! I like beer!!
What if I just vouch for you
like the way Squi vouched for me?
You'd do that?
Beep-borp-bup-bup. Hello? Mr. Trump?
Yes, I am sober.
You'll make Eric the CEO tomorrow morning?
I'll tell him right now! Beep.
A round of beers to celebrate?!
Okay! But just one.
G-Gah!
Rise and shine, my favorite justice!
We've got an amazing, action-packed day ahead of us.
How did you get in here?
I have all the keys to all the doors.
The groundskeeper fished the bloated, dead guy
out of the pool, so get your trunks on,
then you'll let me pardon myself,
then we'll hit the omelet bar.
I know you're trying to exert undue influence on me
to vote in your favor.
And as umpire of the court, I call that a foul ball.
I usually don't do this,
but what if I switched you to a bed-bug free room?
♪ rock music plays ♪
Is that the hardest you can slap, Jelly Boy?!
Hey! You promised you wouldn't call me that!
I turned my back on Deion the Donkey
to build Jelly Tower!
Oh, I'm sorry, Jelly Boy!
You gonna cry boysenberry tears out of your marmalade eyes
coming out of your jelly face, Jelly Boy?!
I'm a Jelly Man!
Oww!
Now my face is gonna go from beautiful crimson
to ugly vermilion!
What are you gonna do about it --
wah-wah cry like you did at your hearing?
I'm gonna head-butt you 'til you die!
Bring it!
One, two...
Donald, quit trying to schmooze the Supreme Court
and just poke them with a poison-tipped umbrella.
We don't have umbrellas in Florida.
It's the Sunshine State.
Then get some kompromat that'll make Roberts
the laughingstock of the whole judiciary.
Ooh, and while you're at it,
do the other justices dirty, too!
That's why you're the leader of the free world.
I can't take all the credit.
You got to give some to the death squads.
Wow! Do you guys know how to party or what?!
And keep that applause going
for our Guy of the Year Award recipient,
Chief Justice Roberts!
Are you any closer to giving me my self-pardon?
I said "no" and I look like a fool.
Fine! Then the only thing left is the group kompromat --
I mean group photo.
Everyone grab some champagne and hop on stage!
Let's just do this so we can go to bed.
Sanders, remember. Downward angle, find your light.
I know, I know.
Say "blackmail."
Blackmail.
Is it hot fire?
♪ I've got my kompromat, I've got my kompromat ♪
Wow. You should be on Broadway.
So the Supreme Court will issue a decision
on the presidential self-pardon Monday at noon.
I wonder who I'll self-pardon first.
Hmm. I'm thinking me.
Look at that. As a result of this
compromising leaked photo, the eight justices pictured
have recused themselves from all legal matters
pertaining to the president.
Who would leak such a thing?
I took that in the privacy of a 250-seat ballroom
with 19 entrances.
The hot photo appeared on the Instagram account
of Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe.
I want Shinzo's badge and gun on my desk by morning.
This means that, in the upcoming hearing
concerning the president's self-pardon power,
the opinion will be issued at the sole discretion
of the one Justice not recused, Brett Kavanaugh.
Ohh! Even better!
He'll give you the kind of justice
that rich, white guys have been passing back and forth
ever since the nation's founding.
All we have to do is make sure
Brett Kavanaugh's on that bench on Monday.
Don't worry. I got my best, weirdest son
taking care of him.
Whoa.
What happened last night?
It's just like that R-rated bachelor-party movie
The Hang Glider.
"Jelly Man, last night reminded me
how much I enjoy being away from it all,
drowning in liquid fun!
Don't come looking for me,
or I'll take the fuck off running!
Signed, coach of my daughter's basketball team, Brett K."
I can't find him anywhere, Don!
You're lucky I'm an expert at understanding
the inner workings of a middle-aged party king.
You have any clues?
There's a loafer print headed due west in this mound of vomit.
He flew the coop! I'm coming down there, Eric.
Good thing I have shit loads of Southwest points
from tickets I bought so I could get drunk at La Guardia.
Wait! I think I know where he is!
Have you ever heard of a town called...Orlando?
Have you ever heard of a town called
"Shut Up, I'll Meet You There"?
Let us bow our heads in prayer to Brett Kavanaugh
for making this lawlessness possible for me.
May he go to bed without getting the spins.
Amen.
Now, what crimes should I commit?
And remember, there are no small crimes -- only short criminals.
Before you commit more crimes,
shouldn't you wait until Kavanaugh
actually hands down his ruling?
That's strike three, Pompeo.
Strikes one and two were existing.
Will there be any more innings?
We just found our next crime --
we're gonna torture Pompeo until he swallows his own tongue!
-That's great! -Let's kill him, huh?
I'm free all day, so just let me know.
These dolphins are kept alive
only by the fish they receive mid-backflip.
Wow! Wait. What the hell are we doing at SeaWorld?
Brett's note said he wanted to drown in "liquid fun."
I used my deductive, future CEO logic to deduce
that SeaWorld is the liquid-fun capital of Florida.
Eric, "liquid fun" is bro-slang for beer!
There's no beer at SeaWorld!
How long has he been gone? Two days.
Two days of drunk stumbling
is four days of sober sprinting.
He could be anywhere,
you irresponsible, grade-A, grass-fed, all-beef ass-patty!
♪ It's the weekend, it's time to have fun ♪
Mike Pompeo, for the crime of being
a boring-annoying-dumb loser,
I sentence you to sledgehammering of the legs,
then blowtorching, then poisoning,
and finally being eaten good and slow by fire ants.
If I'm gonna be covered in ants,
can I at least have a picnic with them?
That's it. I'm setting the crossbow to turbo.
It's Eric, sir. Do you wanna talk
or should I just make up something?
Ugh...
Dad, remember when you said
you'd always love me no matter what? Nope.
I lost Brett Kavanaugh!
D-a-a-ad!
Kavanaugh is gone.
Now I'm just another below-the-law schmuck
who can be thrown in jail like my former lawyer,
former campaign chief,
and three dozen of my closest associates.
I could pardon you if I was president. Hint, hint.
It's been two days
since Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh
disappeared into the humid badlands of Florida.
Search parties continue to comb through
every roadside motel bar
and empty Circuit City with a back door you can jimmy open.
Maybe they found Kavanaugh on Hannity.
With Brett Kavanaugh missing, we all have no choice
but to retreat underground with the survivalist buckets
for sale exclusively on my website!
My favorite is the Hannity Jalapeño Popper Pizza Slop!
Mmm! Buy the -- Buy the whole pail!
Melania, I can't go to prison looking this pretty.
I know this is difficult,
but I need you to hit me as hard as you --
Thanks for pitchin' in, honey.
Drat!
Thought it might be Kavanaugh,
but it's just another dead, bloated guy.
Time to face facts -- you'll always be
the businessman fisher-outer
and never the businessman fishee.
How will I ever live up to my family name?
All I have are my handsome gums
and 28 credits toward my ventriloquism degree.
Forget it, Eric. Your only career path now
is to join my Secret Service detail
and somehow not fall in love with me, à la The Bodyguard.
And good luck because I am...
♪ Enchanting as ass ♪
Because all the judges
are either recused or horking into the Everglades,
the Supreme Court will fail to hear my case.
You're the man of the White House now, Mikey.
Here's the presidential suit and tie.
They'll probably be tight on you.
As much as I appreciate the gesture, I shall not accept.
If there's one thing your supporters don't want to see,
it's you being held accountable for your actions.
Pardon or no pardon, you need to fight
to make sure America continues to be a place
where guys like you can get away with anything.
♪ And I'm with you ♪
♪ Tonight ♪
Eric, are you seriously not gonna put your name in?
They got Sublime!
I see why Brett was so into this beer.
It makes being a failure a lot more palatable.
You didn't fail today.
You failed the moment you tried to be
a bad-ass business Trump like me
instead of an artsy ass-wad Trump
walking around with a donkey on his hand.
I just want to prove I'm responsible
and get Brett Kavanaugh back!
Sorry, Eric. As a child of privilege,
you don't always get what you want the minute you want it.
Sometimes you have to wait for things to fall into your lap.
Ahh!
And next up for karaoke is Coach Brett K!
Uh...how's everybody doin'?! Shut up!
I don't wanna go to Washington!
Take me to Tobin's garage for whip-its and garlic knots!
You belong on the Supreme Court
deciding the reproductive fate
of every single American woman!
We don't have much time! Floor it!
Is this the end of your presidency?
When you came for Clinton,
he hopped on Jeffrey Epstein's jet
and hightailed it to Harlem to write his memoirs.
When you tried to pin those million Iraq murders
on George W. Bush, he escaped
to his artist's loft to paint bathtubs.
And when you came for William Henry Harrison,
he got pneumonia and died!
But America elected me
to see how much stuff I could get away with,
and I'm not done getting away with stuff.
Mr. President!
Get the hell out of my way!
Mr. President, it's your shithead sons.
Dad! It's your shithead sons! We found Brett Kavanaugh!
He smells like an un-air-conditioned food court!
Sandblast the puke from his face
and get him in that judge dress.
We have no time to lose.
Kavanaugh's on his way.
You need to stall until he gets here.
I'm on it!
For my first stall,
I'd like to take a really long time to say my name.
Ruuuuuudddddyyy Giuuuuliannniii
Crap! That came out way faster than I meant it to!
Alright. What else? What else? Um...
Ah, one of the old favorites!
It was a beautiful September morning,
not a cloud in the sky...
I think he peed!
Oh, good. That means he's alive!
So Lorne Michaels turns to me and says, "Can we be funny?"
Is this over yet? And, totally off the cuff, I said -- What did I say?
I'm meeting with Jeff Katzenberg at 4:00.
I told you, Hollywood's gonna eat you alive!
Wait! Don't marry him or whatever!
Quick, Eric. Get him on the bench!
I would, Dad, but he's too blitzed to speak.
If I'm so blitzed, then how come I can still say --
BLLUUGHHHH!
There's nothing left to do now
but accept our pitiful failure.
If only someone could make Brett Kavanaugh talk...
So, Justice Kavanaugh, do you think my dad
should be able to pardon himself?
I sure do,
as much as I think you need a bath!
Got 'im!
Aww. That's not very nice, Justice Kavanaugh.
You know what's even more not nice?
Charging the president for his crimes.
He is above us all.
Hee haw!
Holy shit! He did it!
He did the double-donkey hee-haw!
Who said that?
Aah!
He bit off his finger!
I don't care if I go to jail.
This is the best thing I've ever seen!
It was a dramatic day at the Supreme Court.
We have these exclusive courtroom sketches.
There's Kavanaugh biting off Eric's finger,
then regurgitating it toward Donald Jr.'s scrotum,
then there's some keep-away.
But Kavanaugh did submit a written opinion,
which I have here.
Okay. This is a bar menu from a West Palm Beach Margaritaville.
As to whether the president can pardon himself,
it's still unclear, but between Dred Scott
and Citizens United, the ruling to allow
"Maui Wowie Nacho Tacos
to be two-for-one on Wednesdays"
is one of the least-harmful decisions
the Supreme Court has ever made.
So, are you allowed to pardon yourself or nah?
No one knows.
So I'll just give it a shot, see if anyone freaks out.
Eric, I want to thank you for tracking down Kavanaugh
and bringing him back here,
no matter how bad it made the city smell.
You've proven you really can handle responsibility.
Does this mean I'm CEO of Trump Org?!
Even better!
I'm making you CEO of Trump Ventriloquism University!
We're opening a Ventriloquism University?!
It's more of a money-laundering front
for which you will be held legally responsible,
but you're the CEO.
When the Feds come, I'll make Deion the Donkey take the fall!
That's my boy!
Now everyone shut up and put the crime sock on the door.
We've got work to do!
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
♪ Is Donald Trump the president? ♪
♪ Yes, he is ♪
♪ Yes, he is, we elected him president ♪
♪ Is Donald Trump the president? ♪
♪ Yes, he is ♪
♪ We had a vote and elected him president ♪
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
♪ Donald Trump ♪
♪ He is our president ♪
♪ We made him president ♪
♪ We did it ♪
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
♪ We elected Donald Trump ♪
♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
Trump!