1 00:00:00,720 --> 00:00:04,178 ♪♪♪ 2 00:00:09,095 --> 00:00:12,303 [narrator] In a few moments, Special Counsel Robert Mueller 3 00:00:12,303 --> 00:00:15,345 will deliver his first public remarks on his investigation. 4 00:00:15,345 --> 00:00:18,762 It's happening! There he is! It's happening! 5 00:00:18,762 --> 00:00:21,595 Hooray! He's gonna make the case for impeachment 6 00:00:21,595 --> 00:00:23,720 so we don't have to! 7 00:00:23,720 --> 00:00:27,720 Oh, no! If Mueller read the Mueller Report, I'm screwed! 8 00:00:27,720 --> 00:00:29,178 [narrator] At long last, here is Mr. Mueller. 9 00:00:29,178 --> 00:00:30,387 [crowd chanting] Mueller! Mueller! 10 00:00:30,387 --> 00:00:33,011 I am speaking today to announce 11 00:00:33,011 --> 00:00:36,011 that our investigation is complete 12 00:00:36,011 --> 00:00:38,720 and to reveal to the American people 13 00:00:38,720 --> 00:00:40,178 that I am really hurt 14 00:00:40,178 --> 00:00:43,053 that only a few of you read my big report. 15 00:00:43,053 --> 00:00:45,011 I worked super hard on it. 16 00:00:45,011 --> 00:00:47,595 My wife said it was the best thing she ever read. 17 00:00:47,595 --> 00:00:48,929 Uh-oh. 18 00:00:48,929 --> 00:00:52,011 Now let's get back to this historic crisis, 19 00:00:52,011 --> 00:00:56,345 which I've decided to punt to our broken, shithead Congress. 20 00:00:56,345 --> 00:00:59,095 The ball is now in your turd-strewn court. 21 00:00:59,095 --> 00:01:01,595 Thanks for the homework, asshole. 22 00:01:01,595 --> 00:01:05,720 I trust a room of 500 backstabbing trash bags 23 00:01:05,720 --> 00:01:09,428 of human sludge will come to a swift consensus. 24 00:01:09,428 --> 00:01:12,762 My god, Chuck. Will this affect the infrastructure bill?! 25 00:01:12,762 --> 00:01:14,553 Not if there's a god. 26 00:01:14,553 --> 00:01:16,136 Now, I'm sure you expected 27 00:01:16,136 --> 00:01:19,095 that with the eyes of the nation upon me, 28 00:01:19,095 --> 00:01:21,595 I would at the very least summarize 29 00:01:21,595 --> 00:01:23,595 the President's wrongdoings. 30 00:01:23,595 --> 00:01:25,387 Too bad. I'm a coward. 31 00:01:25,387 --> 00:01:26,804 Anyway, I quit. 32 00:01:26,804 --> 00:01:28,970 Good luck with the whole saving America thing. 33 00:01:28,970 --> 00:01:30,011 [crowd] Boooo! 34 00:01:30,011 --> 00:01:33,428 Wait. So it's all on Pelosi? Boo! 35 00:01:33,428 --> 00:01:37,220 It's all on me?! Booooo! 36 00:01:37,220 --> 00:01:38,637 I'm invincible! 37 00:01:38,637 --> 00:01:40,261 [narrator] And more breaking news. 38 00:01:40,261 --> 00:01:43,887 A new Fox News poll has Trump trailing Biden by 11 points. 39 00:01:43,887 --> 00:01:45,053 Damn it! 40 00:01:45,053 --> 00:01:47,804 Look at me, Beto! 41 00:01:47,804 --> 00:01:50,428 I can stand on stuff, too! Unh! 42 00:01:50,428 --> 00:01:54,011 ♪♪♪ 43 00:01:54,011 --> 00:01:56,428 [news jingle plays] 44 00:01:56,428 --> 00:01:59,553 I'm Jake Tapper, and I'll smile when I'm dead. 45 00:01:59,553 --> 00:02:01,345 We're going live now to President Trump 46 00:02:01,345 --> 00:02:03,178 who's sitting down with his cabinet 47 00:02:03,178 --> 00:02:05,095 for a foreign-policy discussion, 48 00:02:05,095 --> 00:02:07,845 and there appears to be a small but growing fire. 49 00:02:07,845 --> 00:02:09,053 Let's tune in... 50 00:02:09,053 --> 00:02:10,970 Today, we're discussing my latest proposal 51 00:02:10,970 --> 00:02:12,720 for Middle East peace -- which I whipped up 52 00:02:12,720 --> 00:02:14,095 while on the Pelaton this morning -- 53 00:02:14,095 --> 00:02:16,261 So let's stay focused on the task at hand -- 54 00:02:16,261 --> 00:02:17,595 Shut up! Alright. This is what we're gonna do. 55 00:02:17,595 --> 00:02:20,345 Tomorrow we're launching drone strikes on every country 56 00:02:20,345 --> 00:02:23,011 that was mean to me in this dream I had last night -- 57 00:02:23,011 --> 00:02:25,178 Iraq, Belgium, and Birdville. 58 00:02:25,178 --> 00:02:27,929 My office has a big list of all the countries, 59 00:02:27,929 --> 00:02:29,845 and I don't think Birdville is on the list. 60 00:02:29,845 --> 00:02:32,387 Also the fire has spread to the hem of my pants. 61 00:02:32,387 --> 00:02:36,679 I'm with Pompeo on this one. I also appear to be on fire. 62 00:02:36,679 --> 00:02:38,136 [Jared] Hey! Focus! 63 00:02:38,136 --> 00:02:40,470 [smoke alarm beeping] Sprinklers! 64 00:02:40,470 --> 00:02:42,762 DeVos, get out the Slip 'N Slide! 65 00:02:42,762 --> 00:02:45,512 Bolton, you sonuvabitch, we need music! 66 00:02:45,512 --> 00:02:46,970 Yay! Yay! Yay! 67 00:02:46,970 --> 00:02:48,178 ♪ Close your eyes and envision in your mind ♪ 68 00:02:48,178 --> 00:02:49,387 ♪ Innocent days when you were... ♪ 69 00:02:49,387 --> 00:02:51,220 That cabinet meeting was more embarrassing 70 00:02:51,220 --> 00:02:53,178 than my dad describing the type of porn 71 00:02:53,178 --> 00:02:54,512 he wanted me to sneak into his prison. 72 00:02:54,512 --> 00:02:56,178 An unnamed source who definitely isn't me 73 00:02:56,178 --> 00:02:58,261 is leaking that the cabinet is in chaos. 74 00:02:58,261 --> 00:02:59,720 Which is the kind of issue 75 00:02:59,720 --> 00:03:02,178 Democrats would love to bury you with in 2020. 76 00:03:02,178 --> 00:03:04,136 Just let me get some competent people in here. 77 00:03:04,136 --> 00:03:06,136 I know how to hire people, Jared. 78 00:03:06,136 --> 00:03:08,136 I learned it from the Dalai Lama himself 79 00:03:08,136 --> 00:03:10,387 at Trump Plaza in 1984. 80 00:03:10,387 --> 00:03:13,303 He taught me how to see into a person's soul 81 00:03:13,303 --> 00:03:15,679 to determine their true excellence. 82 00:03:15,679 --> 00:03:17,929 To know the best when I see it. 83 00:03:17,929 --> 00:03:20,470 And when I can't see it, I can smell it. 84 00:03:20,470 --> 00:03:23,011 And if it's smelly enough and the windows are closed, 85 00:03:23,011 --> 00:03:25,011 I can kind of taste it, too. 86 00:03:25,011 --> 00:03:28,095 Of course. The best is whatever you say is the best. 87 00:03:28,095 --> 00:03:29,887 Don't you tell me what the best is. 88 00:03:29,887 --> 00:03:32,053 The best is whatever I say is the best! 89 00:03:32,053 --> 00:03:33,220 ♪♪♪ 90 00:03:33,220 --> 00:03:35,053 Aha, Chuck Todd! 91 00:03:35,053 --> 00:03:36,887 Now that I've destroyed your argument 92 00:03:36,887 --> 00:03:39,220 against undocumented children being housed 93 00:03:39,220 --> 00:03:42,261 three to a port-o-potty, you must do penance 94 00:03:42,261 --> 00:03:44,804 by flogging yourself with this cat o' nine tails! 95 00:03:44,804 --> 00:03:47,929 Ugh. I always regret not knocking first. 96 00:03:47,929 --> 00:03:49,595 Stevie, I'm afraid your appearance 97 00:03:49,595 --> 00:03:51,178 on Meet The Press is canceled. 98 00:03:51,178 --> 00:03:53,887 But, sir, I've been going on as many Tinder dates as I can 99 00:03:53,887 --> 00:03:55,762 just to practice talking over people. 100 00:03:55,762 --> 00:03:57,845 The media's coming after my cabinet. 101 00:03:57,845 --> 00:03:59,679 I need someone with sophistication. 102 00:03:59,679 --> 00:04:01,804 Not someone who time travelers kept trying to kill 103 00:04:01,804 --> 00:04:04,095 when they were a baby. 104 00:04:04,095 --> 00:04:06,178 [Eric] You're not going to replace your cabinet again, 105 00:04:06,178 --> 00:04:08,595 are you, Dad? Some of them are so new, 106 00:04:08,595 --> 00:04:11,679 I can't talk to them because of the Stranger Danger rule. 107 00:04:11,679 --> 00:04:13,220 They're not going anywhere, 108 00:04:13,220 --> 00:04:14,762 unless Herman Cain shows interest, 109 00:04:14,762 --> 00:04:17,887 and I need to trade the whole team to land that all-star. 110 00:04:17,887 --> 00:04:20,512 Did you see what your genius cabinet has done? 111 00:04:20,512 --> 00:04:21,553 Cured cancer? 112 00:04:21,553 --> 00:04:23,637 Trump's cabinet is cancer. 113 00:04:23,637 --> 00:04:25,470 Heh. Talk about an air ball. 114 00:04:25,470 --> 00:04:27,970 Here are screw-ups from the past seven days. 115 00:04:27,970 --> 00:04:30,136 John Bolton locked himself in the trunk of his own car. 116 00:04:30,136 --> 00:04:31,804 Mike Pompeo wore traditional silk 117 00:04:31,804 --> 00:04:33,053 to meet the Thai delegation 118 00:04:33,053 --> 00:04:34,470 and kept sliding off all the furniture. 119 00:04:34,470 --> 00:04:36,136 Ben Carson fell down the same well 120 00:04:36,136 --> 00:04:37,929 he's fallen down six times. 121 00:04:37,929 --> 00:04:40,553 Anyone looks bad when you focus on what they did. 122 00:04:40,553 --> 00:04:43,970 I am only in the same house as you a few days a year. 123 00:04:43,970 --> 00:04:47,303 Hire someone to control these idiots so I can feel safe. 124 00:04:47,303 --> 00:04:49,970 I suppose it couldn't hurt to interview a candidate or two. 125 00:04:49,970 --> 00:04:52,220 You know, just in case any staff get caught 126 00:04:52,220 --> 00:04:55,303 joining the mile-high club on a log flume! 127 00:04:55,303 --> 00:04:57,470 If you don't get caught, you're not doing it right! 128 00:04:57,470 --> 00:04:58,679 ♪♪♪ 129 00:04:58,679 --> 00:05:02,387 Say hello to your next Chief of Staff, Tim Pawlenty. 130 00:05:02,387 --> 00:05:04,345 Former state rep, governor of Minnesota, 131 00:05:04,345 --> 00:05:06,637 and chair of several presidential campaigns. 132 00:05:06,637 --> 00:05:08,220 Our schedule is pretty grueling. 133 00:05:08,220 --> 00:05:09,720 We demand a three-week commitment, 134 00:05:09,720 --> 00:05:13,178 followed by two weeks of being maligned by me on social media. 135 00:05:13,178 --> 00:05:16,178 Those you can work from home. Now let's see what you can do. 136 00:05:16,178 --> 00:05:19,261 I am here to put this house in order. 137 00:05:19,261 --> 00:05:22,553 First, everyone must attend all meetings. 138 00:05:22,553 --> 00:05:25,178 No more dressing your housekeeper up in your clothes 139 00:05:25,178 --> 00:05:26,679 and sending her in your place. 140 00:05:26,679 --> 00:05:28,345 [all groan] Uh-uh-uh. 141 00:05:28,345 --> 00:05:30,887 And for the sake of time-management, 142 00:05:30,887 --> 00:05:33,762 no wasting ten minutes complimenting the President, 143 00:05:33,762 --> 00:05:38,011 and we all read your briefings together, word by -- 144 00:05:38,011 --> 00:05:39,845 Tim Pawlenty is so fired! 145 00:05:39,845 --> 00:05:42,345 I'd like to thank Tim for his eight minutes of service, 146 00:05:42,345 --> 00:05:44,679 but I can't because he was terrible! 147 00:05:44,679 --> 00:05:46,970 It's been an honor to serve you, Mr. President. 148 00:05:46,970 --> 00:05:50,095 Ugh! Go back to Minnesota and milk a lake! 149 00:05:50,095 --> 00:05:51,762 Go on, get! 150 00:05:51,762 --> 00:05:53,387 So things get a little bumpy 151 00:05:53,387 --> 00:05:56,553 and you go running into the boring arms of Pawlenty? 152 00:05:56,553 --> 00:05:59,220 Relax. Jared says he has other great candidates. 153 00:05:59,220 --> 00:06:00,428 Ever heard of Newt Gingrich? 154 00:06:00,428 --> 00:06:03,178 Jared knows this guy who looks exactly like him. 155 00:06:03,178 --> 00:06:06,178 But only you know who the best people are. 156 00:06:06,178 --> 00:06:07,345 What's your gut tell you? 157 00:06:07,345 --> 00:06:09,512 -Bigfoot is real. -What else? 158 00:06:09,512 --> 00:06:11,553 It's telling me that maybe we shouldn't hire someone 159 00:06:11,553 --> 00:06:13,470 just because he's got a good résumé 160 00:06:13,470 --> 00:06:15,720 and never ran a glass-bottom boat ashore. 161 00:06:15,720 --> 00:06:18,553 [Miller] I just feel like I'm in a rut. 162 00:06:18,553 --> 00:06:21,053 The President won't give me a high-profile role 163 00:06:21,053 --> 00:06:24,053 that allows me to really spread my ooze. 164 00:06:24,053 --> 00:06:26,345 Not everyone has the charismatic 165 00:06:26,345 --> 00:06:30,095 megawatt "it" factor that makes me a star. 166 00:06:30,095 --> 00:06:32,261 -You're trash! -Rot in hell! Shame 167 00:06:32,261 --> 00:06:33,428 -Shame! Shame! -Shame! Shame! 168 00:06:33,428 --> 00:06:34,762 For the sake of other diners, 169 00:06:34,762 --> 00:06:37,595 and so I can look my future grandchildren in the eye, 170 00:06:37,595 --> 00:06:38,929 I must ask you to leave. 171 00:06:38,929 --> 00:06:41,970 I'll take this to go. If the chef spits in it again, 172 00:06:41,970 --> 00:06:44,053 tell him to gargle some Cholula first. 173 00:06:44,053 --> 00:06:45,303 It could use a kick. 174 00:06:45,303 --> 00:06:47,095 [Cruz] Well! Well, well, well! 175 00:06:47,095 --> 00:06:49,512 If it isn't Trump's human shield. 176 00:06:49,512 --> 00:06:51,428 Can't go out in public without somebody 177 00:06:51,428 --> 00:06:53,804 taking a long hot wizz on their shoes. 178 00:06:53,804 --> 00:06:55,428 I remember those days. 179 00:06:55,428 --> 00:06:58,512 That was before I grew the beard and everything changed. 180 00:06:58,512 --> 00:07:01,220 Growing facial hair made people like Ted Cruz? 181 00:07:01,220 --> 00:07:03,136 Senator Cruz, right this way. 182 00:07:03,136 --> 00:07:05,428 The other diners can't wait to regard the majesty 183 00:07:05,428 --> 00:07:06,887 of your plentiful whiskers. 184 00:07:06,887 --> 00:07:10,136 Ah-ha-ha! I'd tell 'em to take a picture, it'll last longer, 185 00:07:10,136 --> 00:07:12,470 but I don't show up in photographs! 186 00:07:12,470 --> 00:07:15,637 ♪♪♪ 187 00:07:15,637 --> 00:07:17,387 [President Trump] I don't want new people, Jared. 188 00:07:17,387 --> 00:07:19,970 But Americans no longer trust your cabinet. 189 00:07:19,970 --> 00:07:21,762 This is the first time since the founding 190 00:07:21,762 --> 00:07:24,553 that the White House has been denied homeowners insurance. 191 00:07:24,553 --> 00:07:26,303 How can you know that these people are the best? 192 00:07:26,303 --> 00:07:29,136 Jared, when your dad picked out which prostitute 193 00:07:29,136 --> 00:07:31,261 to film your uncle having sex with, 194 00:07:31,261 --> 00:07:33,178 he didn't hold a casting call. 195 00:07:33,178 --> 00:07:34,804 He just knew. 196 00:07:34,804 --> 00:07:37,637 Just like I can't know someone's the best by his résumé. 197 00:07:37,637 --> 00:07:39,970 I know it by the joke he writes on the check 198 00:07:39,970 --> 00:07:41,762 where he's supposed to leave a tip. 199 00:07:41,762 --> 00:07:43,929 My cabinet is already the best. 200 00:07:43,929 --> 00:07:45,428 And I'm going to teach them 201 00:07:45,428 --> 00:07:48,428 to unlock that bestness within themselves. 202 00:07:48,428 --> 00:07:49,720 You know what? Let's -- Let's do it. 203 00:07:49,720 --> 00:07:51,136 Let's make your team so competent 204 00:07:51,136 --> 00:07:53,095 that they'll stop showing up late because they went 205 00:07:53,095 --> 00:07:54,470 to the wrong White House. 206 00:07:54,470 --> 00:07:56,553 [Ben Carson, echoing] Help! Help! 207 00:07:56,553 --> 00:07:58,637 Ben Carson fell down the well again, sir. 208 00:07:58,637 --> 00:08:01,053 Lower a bucket of saltines to him, Kellyanne! 209 00:08:01,053 --> 00:08:05,053 A lot of saltines! He's got a big day tomorrow! 210 00:08:05,053 --> 00:08:08,512 ♪♪♪ 211 00:08:08,512 --> 00:08:10,595 Today's gonna be a little different. 212 00:08:10,595 --> 00:08:11,970 Follow the President's lead, 213 00:08:11,970 --> 00:08:15,303 or you'll be just another loser on the unemployment line 214 00:08:15,303 --> 00:08:17,261 with a million-dollar book deal. 215 00:08:17,261 --> 00:08:19,804 [President Trump] Did someone say "loser"? 216 00:08:19,804 --> 00:08:20,929 [all gasp] 217 00:08:20,929 --> 00:08:22,553 How'd you sneak in here?! 218 00:08:22,553 --> 00:08:24,720 Am I here? 219 00:08:24,720 --> 00:08:26,845 ♪ ethereal music playing ♪ 220 00:08:26,845 --> 00:08:31,303 ♪♪♪ 221 00:08:31,303 --> 00:08:33,720 -Or am I here? -Ooh! 222 00:08:33,720 --> 00:08:37,136 They say you're losers, the worst cabinet in history. 223 00:08:37,136 --> 00:08:40,720 With my teaching, you'll be able to look them in the eye and say, 224 00:08:40,720 --> 00:08:43,970 "No, you're the worst cabinet in history!" 225 00:08:43,970 --> 00:08:45,845 Your journey begins now. 226 00:08:45,845 --> 00:08:50,178 Come with me if you want to live. 227 00:08:50,178 --> 00:08:52,220 Oh, God damn it. I don't wanna... 228 00:08:52,220 --> 00:08:54,637 Again? Oh, no. Come on. 229 00:08:54,637 --> 00:08:58,470 I don't wanna go anywhere. Oh, why do we have to go -- 230 00:08:58,470 --> 00:09:01,053 Ugh. Jesus Christ. No. 231 00:09:01,053 --> 00:09:03,595 [Cruz] This is the first time I've had a visitor. 232 00:09:03,595 --> 00:09:05,387 Are you peckish? Can I offer you 233 00:09:05,387 --> 00:09:07,470 a cold battery from my freezer to suck on? 234 00:09:07,470 --> 00:09:09,303 Say, what's that on your face? 235 00:09:09,303 --> 00:09:11,595 I want to become more likable in the eyes of the President, 236 00:09:11,595 --> 00:09:14,428 so I grew a beard exactly like yours. 237 00:09:14,428 --> 00:09:15,512 Any notes? 238 00:09:15,512 --> 00:09:17,220 I'm afraid Donald Trump thinks a man 239 00:09:17,220 --> 00:09:20,470 should keep his face as smooth as a 3-D printed assault rifle. 240 00:09:20,470 --> 00:09:23,387 He does like a nice head of hair, though. 241 00:09:23,387 --> 00:09:25,679 You can make a wig out of my beard shavings. 242 00:09:25,679 --> 00:09:27,679 I would donate it to a cancer kids charity, 243 00:09:27,679 --> 00:09:29,804 but it causes a vitamin D deficiency 244 00:09:29,804 --> 00:09:32,762 as well as a massive spike in every other vitamin. 245 00:09:32,762 --> 00:09:35,929 Now you just need a complete personality transformation. 246 00:09:35,929 --> 00:09:39,303 But who will save America from caravans of Guatemalan moms 247 00:09:39,303 --> 00:09:40,512 if not Stephen Miller?! 248 00:09:40,512 --> 00:09:44,136 Stephen Miller is dead! Don't you get it?! 249 00:09:44,136 --> 00:09:46,303 Now let's go make some hair-lovin' friends. 250 00:09:46,303 --> 00:09:48,011 ♪ ethereal music playing ♪ 251 00:09:48,011 --> 00:09:51,929 To be the best, you must believe you are the best at everything. 252 00:09:51,929 --> 00:09:54,428 I want each of you to walk a tightrope 253 00:09:54,428 --> 00:09:55,970 to the Washington Monument. 254 00:09:55,970 --> 00:09:59,470 The best do not hesitate; they simply do. 255 00:09:59,470 --> 00:10:02,178 Use the force. There is no spoon. 256 00:10:02,178 --> 00:10:04,136 Time to make the donuts. 257 00:10:04,136 --> 00:10:05,303 -I believe in you. -You got this! 258 00:10:05,303 --> 00:10:06,595 Watch out for airplanes. 259 00:10:06,595 --> 00:10:08,136 Now I believe in physics! [body thuds] 260 00:10:08,136 --> 00:10:09,804 -You're up, Bolton. -You can do it, Bolton. 261 00:10:09,804 --> 00:10:11,595 [Bolton] Look at me! I'm a bomb! 262 00:10:11,595 --> 00:10:12,762 Kaboom! [body thuds] 263 00:10:12,762 --> 00:10:14,970 Yeah, I think I got this. 264 00:10:14,970 --> 00:10:16,220 [body thuds] 265 00:10:16,220 --> 00:10:18,261 This is terrible. What else is on? 266 00:10:18,261 --> 00:10:19,762 Sir, let me take a crack. 267 00:10:19,762 --> 00:10:21,720 If I can hold my nose and work for 268 00:10:21,720 --> 00:10:23,970 a casino bankrupting failed steak salesmen -- 269 00:10:23,970 --> 00:10:26,470 not you -- I can turn this crew around. 270 00:10:26,470 --> 00:10:27,553 [body thuds] 271 00:10:27,553 --> 00:10:28,970 [soft piano music playing] 272 00:10:28,970 --> 00:10:32,970 Mister Cruz, lovely to see you and that coarse thicket. 273 00:10:32,970 --> 00:10:35,220 Who is your elegantly coiffed companion? 274 00:10:35,220 --> 00:10:37,387 This is my friend from politics. 275 00:10:37,387 --> 00:10:39,512 His name is -- Stefan! 276 00:10:39,512 --> 00:10:41,679 Je m'appelle Stefan Millar. 277 00:10:41,679 --> 00:10:44,720 I am Washington's newest cad about town. 278 00:10:44,720 --> 00:10:46,595 It's ya boy! 279 00:10:46,595 --> 00:10:49,595 Thank god you said Stefan Millar and not Stephen Miller. 280 00:10:49,595 --> 00:10:52,762 He's as disgusting as the things we do to his food. 281 00:10:52,762 --> 00:10:54,970 Sea bass marinated in the liquid wrung from 282 00:10:54,970 --> 00:10:57,011 the bus boy's exercise undergarments. 283 00:10:57,011 --> 00:10:59,387 Table bread that's been dipped in industrial cleaner 284 00:10:59,387 --> 00:11:00,637 and used to clean tables. 285 00:11:00,637 --> 00:11:02,553 That one actually tasted pretty good. 286 00:11:02,553 --> 00:11:05,470 I once straight up took a dump on his kale Caesar. 287 00:11:05,470 --> 00:11:07,178 Right this way, Mister Millar! 288 00:11:07,178 --> 00:11:09,178 Yes, sir! 289 00:11:09,178 --> 00:11:12,220 [Conway] Before you sits a spirit potion 290 00:11:12,220 --> 00:11:15,470 composed of Diet Coke concentrate and expired pills 291 00:11:15,470 --> 00:11:18,178 I swiped from the President's nightstand. 292 00:11:18,178 --> 00:11:21,720 Drink deep, and you will walk the path to bestness... 293 00:11:21,720 --> 00:11:23,345 or you'll die instantly. 294 00:11:23,345 --> 00:11:24,553 Win, win. 295 00:11:24,553 --> 00:11:27,095 [all slurping] 296 00:11:27,095 --> 00:11:29,011 [thud] 297 00:11:30,720 --> 00:11:31,970 We have the best people... 298 00:11:31,970 --> 00:11:34,220 The best people... The best people... 299 00:11:34,220 --> 00:11:35,887 The best people... The best people... 300 00:11:35,887 --> 00:11:37,720 Best people. We have the best people in the world. 301 00:11:37,720 --> 00:11:39,428 The best people... Best people... 302 00:11:39,428 --> 00:11:40,887 Best people...best people... 303 00:11:40,887 --> 00:11:42,553 Best people...best people... 304 00:11:42,553 --> 00:11:44,887 Best people...best people... best people... 305 00:11:46,220 --> 00:11:48,720 ♪ ethereal music playing ♪ 306 00:11:48,720 --> 00:11:52,261 I'm finally dead. And I still have my wallet! 307 00:11:52,261 --> 00:11:54,679 I knew I could take my money with me! 308 00:11:54,679 --> 00:11:57,720 No way would I be dead and not burning in hell. 309 00:11:57,720 --> 00:11:59,887 Must be some lame spiritual plane 310 00:11:59,887 --> 00:12:02,053 where all truth is revealed. 311 00:12:02,053 --> 00:12:05,679 [footsteps thudding] 312 00:12:05,679 --> 00:12:07,970 [thunderous] To walk the path to bestness, 313 00:12:07,970 --> 00:12:10,720 you must embrace these truths -- 314 00:12:10,720 --> 00:12:13,387 If he says it, you agree. 315 00:12:13,387 --> 00:12:15,762 Do not do for yourself what you can scam 316 00:12:15,762 --> 00:12:18,929 a subcontractor into doing for you. 317 00:12:18,929 --> 00:12:22,220 And Graydon Carter should have been fired from Vanity Fair 318 00:12:22,220 --> 00:12:23,970 a long time ago, 319 00:12:23,970 --> 00:12:27,553 that magazine has never recovered, such a shame. 320 00:12:27,553 --> 00:12:31,011 [all, hypnotized] I agree. Scam subcontractors. 321 00:12:31,011 --> 00:12:32,929 Graydon Carter sucks. 322 00:12:32,929 --> 00:12:36,053 I agree. Scam subcontractors. 323 00:12:36,053 --> 00:12:39,553 Graydon Carter sucks. I agree. 324 00:12:39,553 --> 00:12:42,053 [camera shutter clicking] 325 00:12:42,053 --> 00:12:46,136 How 'bout that economy? Is it doing great or what? 326 00:12:46,136 --> 00:12:48,303 I...agree? 327 00:12:48,303 --> 00:12:50,679 Wow! Nothin' but net, Bolton. 328 00:12:50,679 --> 00:12:52,887 -Betsy. Schools? -Very schools! 329 00:12:52,887 --> 00:12:53,804 Swish! 330 00:12:53,804 --> 00:12:55,595 Mike Pompeo, North Korea? 331 00:12:55,595 --> 00:12:57,553 Uh, gettin' Norther every day. 332 00:12:57,553 --> 00:12:58,804 Three points and the foul. 333 00:12:58,804 --> 00:13:00,595 -Mnuchin? -We got money in the thing. 334 00:13:00,595 --> 00:13:03,095 Basketball went in the basketball basket! 335 00:13:03,095 --> 00:13:04,804 Last but not least, Ben Carson. 336 00:13:04,804 --> 00:13:07,970 Where are we on -- Graydon Carter sucks? 337 00:13:07,970 --> 00:13:09,804 Ben with the buzzer beater! 338 00:13:09,804 --> 00:13:12,887 They gave that guy a magazine? Terrible. 339 00:13:12,887 --> 00:13:16,220 Everyone, you are truly the best. 340 00:13:16,220 --> 00:13:18,553 ♪ Three white people on a couch ♪ 341 00:13:18,553 --> 00:13:20,804 ♪ It's "Fox & Friends" ♪ 342 00:13:20,804 --> 00:13:22,178 Last week, we said the President 343 00:13:22,178 --> 00:13:24,387 should have his entire cabinet executed 344 00:13:24,387 --> 00:13:26,470 and run the government by himself. 345 00:13:26,470 --> 00:13:27,929 But we're eatin' those words 346 00:13:27,929 --> 00:13:29,762 after yesterday's cabinet meeting 347 00:13:29,762 --> 00:13:32,679 went off without a single gun fired into the ceilin'! 348 00:13:32,679 --> 00:13:34,011 I won them back! 349 00:13:34,011 --> 00:13:36,136 And they've questioned my every move 350 00:13:36,136 --> 00:13:37,970 since declaring me infallible. 351 00:13:37,970 --> 00:13:39,970 When we come back, the hot goss 352 00:13:39,970 --> 00:13:42,428 on the Beltway It Boy, Stefan Millar. 353 00:13:42,428 --> 00:13:44,637 Just last night he was seen at a restaurant 354 00:13:44,637 --> 00:13:47,011 Gwyneth Paltrow might visit someday. 355 00:13:47,011 --> 00:13:48,845 Jared, get me Stefan Millar. 356 00:13:48,845 --> 00:13:51,929 He's got something special -- he was just on my TV. 357 00:13:51,929 --> 00:13:54,303 [photographer] GQ loves you so much. 358 00:13:54,303 --> 00:13:56,553 Now break that news, baby. I can take it. 359 00:13:56,553 --> 00:13:57,970 [camera shutter clicking] 360 00:13:57,970 --> 00:14:00,095 Stefan Millar is less a spokesperson 361 00:14:00,095 --> 00:14:01,970 and more a way of life. 362 00:14:01,970 --> 00:14:03,428 [voice whispers] Stefan... 363 00:14:03,428 --> 00:14:06,178 A lot of people tell me I'm the smartest guy they've ever met. 364 00:14:06,178 --> 00:14:08,261 And I'm like, "You need to meet more people!" 365 00:14:08,261 --> 00:14:09,887 [voice whispers] Meet more people... 366 00:14:09,887 --> 00:14:13,762 Confession! I've gone to the grocery store in pajamas! 367 00:14:13,762 --> 00:14:15,220 [voice whispers] Relatable... 368 00:14:15,220 --> 00:14:17,720 People ask me what I'm thinking about during these things. 369 00:14:17,720 --> 00:14:21,136 To be honest -- pizza and Netflix. Ha! 370 00:14:21,136 --> 00:14:23,261 [Mnuchin] Here's to being the best people, 371 00:14:23,261 --> 00:14:25,512 and all it took was drinking poison. 372 00:14:25,512 --> 00:14:26,762 [all] Cheers! 373 00:14:26,762 --> 00:14:30,345 Oh, wow. A fan's sending us a bottle of wine. 374 00:14:30,345 --> 00:14:31,845 [bottles shattering] 375 00:14:31,845 --> 00:14:34,053 -You still suck! -We still hate you! 376 00:14:34,053 --> 00:14:36,762 Excuse me. Uh, since my name is already 377 00:14:36,762 --> 00:14:39,387 a nationwide trending topic just for approaching your table, 378 00:14:39,387 --> 00:14:41,553 I must ask you to leave. [diners shouting] 379 00:14:41,553 --> 00:14:43,762 [President Trump] Stefan Millar, I saw you 380 00:14:43,762 --> 00:14:46,011 on Fox & Friends, so you got the job. 381 00:14:46,011 --> 00:14:48,387 I'm thinking new press secretary/ 382 00:14:48,387 --> 00:14:50,428 speechwriter/best friend. 383 00:14:50,428 --> 00:14:52,595 -I won't let you down, sir! -Cool. 384 00:14:52,595 --> 00:14:55,720 Your first job is to fire the guy you're replacing. 385 00:14:55,720 --> 00:14:57,053 Get Stephen Miller in here. 386 00:14:57,053 --> 00:14:59,929 Um, shouldn't I fill out my on-boarding paperwork first? 387 00:14:59,929 --> 00:15:01,553 We don't do that kind of thing here. 388 00:15:01,553 --> 00:15:04,804 This is gonna be pathetic. I can't watch. 389 00:15:04,804 --> 00:15:06,887 Um... 390 00:15:06,887 --> 00:15:08,345 [as Miller] This is Stephen Miller! 391 00:15:08,345 --> 00:15:10,762 Who are you, and why are you so cool?! 392 00:15:10,762 --> 00:15:12,178 [as Millar] I'm Stefan Millar, 393 00:15:12,178 --> 00:15:13,720 and you're fired, Stephen Miller. 394 00:15:13,720 --> 00:15:15,345 [as Miller] But Mr. President, 395 00:15:15,345 --> 00:15:16,762 I, Stephen Miller, can change! 396 00:15:16,762 --> 00:15:19,053 I can't hear you, Stevie. My back is turned. 397 00:15:19,053 --> 00:15:21,762 I, Stephen Miller, won't leave without a fight! 398 00:15:21,762 --> 00:15:25,220 I challenge you, Stefan Millar, to a sword fight! 399 00:15:25,220 --> 00:15:26,679 Draw your sword, coward! 400 00:15:26,679 --> 00:15:27,970 Ting! Ting! Shing! 401 00:15:27,970 --> 00:15:30,220 Wow. I'd turn around and watch, 402 00:15:30,220 --> 00:15:33,470 but I don't want to move out of this nice warm sunbeam. 403 00:15:33,470 --> 00:15:35,303 [as Miller] Hunh! Curses! 404 00:15:35,303 --> 00:15:37,720 I, Stephen Miller, am slain! 405 00:15:37,720 --> 00:15:39,011 Tell Rush Limbaugh... 406 00:15:39,011 --> 00:15:40,970 I'll be tuning in from on high. 407 00:15:40,970 --> 00:15:43,387 Arrrgh! 408 00:15:43,387 --> 00:15:44,720 Whew! 409 00:15:44,720 --> 00:15:46,679 [as Millar] Who are you five lovely maidens? 410 00:15:46,679 --> 00:15:48,887 [high-pitched voice] We are Stephen Miller's girlfriends! 411 00:15:48,887 --> 00:15:53,136 [voices differing] Sandy, Mandy, Candy, Tandy, and Shandy! 412 00:15:53,136 --> 00:15:55,345 Who will give us the gift of child now? 413 00:15:55,345 --> 00:15:58,303 [as Millar] I, Stefan Millar, will fertilize each of you 414 00:15:58,303 --> 00:15:59,970 with my oxygenized seed. 415 00:15:59,970 --> 00:16:01,261 [high-pitched voice] Oh, thank heavens! 416 00:16:01,261 --> 00:16:04,011 See you later for the good type of sex 417 00:16:04,011 --> 00:16:06,303 we had with Stephen Miller all of the time. 418 00:16:06,303 --> 00:16:09,220 [deep voice] Wee-oo wee-oo! We are the police! 419 00:16:09,220 --> 00:16:11,845 We would arrest you for murder, but you're just too cool. 420 00:16:11,845 --> 00:16:14,637 Here, we'll get this body out of the way. Unh! 421 00:16:14,637 --> 00:16:16,804 Holy hell! What a ripped body! 422 00:16:16,804 --> 00:16:19,595 Weee-oo! Weee-oo! 423 00:16:19,595 --> 00:16:22,679 [as Millar, panting] It's done, sir. 424 00:16:22,679 --> 00:16:24,345 How did he take it? 425 00:16:24,345 --> 00:16:26,970 [President Trump] I know everyone's a little down, 426 00:16:26,970 --> 00:16:29,011 but this is the burden of being the best. 427 00:16:29,011 --> 00:16:31,470 The Dalai Lama was hated so much, not a single 428 00:16:31,470 --> 00:16:34,387 Atlantic City T-shirt shop let him use their bathroom. 429 00:16:34,387 --> 00:16:39,136 But the important thing is, I'm happy, so everything's fine! 430 00:16:39,136 --> 00:16:40,720 Maybe it's because someone poured 431 00:16:40,720 --> 00:16:42,220 béarnaise sauce into my handbag, 432 00:16:42,220 --> 00:16:44,887 but I'm not feeling the best anymore. 433 00:16:44,887 --> 00:16:46,220 -Join the club, sister. -Yeah. 434 00:16:46,220 --> 00:16:47,845 There's a steak knife in my leg. 435 00:16:47,845 --> 00:16:50,387 [President Trump] Your only rule is... 436 00:16:50,387 --> 00:16:53,220 if Stephen Miller would have said it, say the opposite. 437 00:16:53,220 --> 00:16:57,136 I guess his ideas did only make sense to people hung like him. 438 00:16:57,136 --> 00:17:00,011 Meet my new press secretary, Stefan Millar. 439 00:17:00,011 --> 00:17:02,011 He's gonna charm the pants off ya, 440 00:17:02,011 --> 00:17:04,553 so leave your pants over there in the bin marked "pants." 441 00:17:04,553 --> 00:17:06,470 Stefan, how do you feel about the ruling 442 00:17:06,470 --> 00:17:08,845 that the undocumented can't be detained indefinitely? 443 00:17:08,845 --> 00:17:12,679 [strained] Jim... I...am not furious. 444 00:17:12,679 --> 00:17:14,637 And we are not... 445 00:17:14,637 --> 00:17:18,303 planning to rendition the judges to a black site in Qatar. 446 00:17:18,303 --> 00:17:22,345 Go easy, guys. This is Stefan Millar, not Stephen Miller. 447 00:17:22,345 --> 00:17:24,845 You can tell because Stefan didn't just finish eating 448 00:17:24,845 --> 00:17:27,470 a candy bar that I rubbed on a bathroom floor. 449 00:17:27,470 --> 00:17:29,553 [reporters chuckling] Good one, Mr. President. 450 00:17:29,553 --> 00:17:32,553 When my Grandpa died, I slipped a stick of gum into his coffin, 451 00:17:32,553 --> 00:17:34,261 then a year later, I dug up the body, 452 00:17:34,261 --> 00:17:36,595 grabbed the stick of gum, and gave it to Stephen Miller. 453 00:17:36,595 --> 00:17:37,804 He chewed it on camera! 454 00:17:37,804 --> 00:17:38,887 [reporters and Trump laughing uproariously] 455 00:17:38,887 --> 00:17:41,178 Acosta, you're alright. 456 00:17:42,804 --> 00:17:44,345 [island music playing] 457 00:17:44,345 --> 00:17:47,637 I made Palomas, no thanks to you jerkholes. 458 00:17:47,637 --> 00:17:50,512 God, Mattis! I said I'd help after my meditation hike! 459 00:17:50,512 --> 00:17:51,762 You just love playing the victim. 460 00:17:51,762 --> 00:17:54,387 Oh, kiss my ass, McMaster. 461 00:17:54,387 --> 00:17:56,804 [cellphone vibrates] John Kelly, four star general 462 00:17:56,804 --> 00:17:59,345 of the United States military, retired. 463 00:17:59,345 --> 00:18:00,428 Namaste? 464 00:18:00,428 --> 00:18:02,095 [Bolton] Sorry to bother you, guys. 465 00:18:02,095 --> 00:18:03,929 Me and the fellas were just wondering, 466 00:18:03,929 --> 00:18:05,887 since we're all in Trump's cabinet, 467 00:18:05,887 --> 00:18:07,804 does that mean we're the best? 468 00:18:07,804 --> 00:18:10,595 [laughter over phone] 469 00:18:10,595 --> 00:18:14,887 Not only are you not the best, but simply by working there 470 00:18:14,887 --> 00:18:16,595 you're guaranteeing your obituaries 471 00:18:16,595 --> 00:18:18,804 will include the word "co-conspirator." 472 00:18:18,804 --> 00:18:20,762 Get the hell out of there while you can still work 473 00:18:20,762 --> 00:18:23,136 as a graveyard-shift commentator on Fox Business! 474 00:18:23,136 --> 00:18:27,095 ♪♪♪ 475 00:18:27,095 --> 00:18:30,011 Where are my besties? I want to watch them fall again. 476 00:18:30,011 --> 00:18:32,470 I'm afraid the whole cabinet resigned, sir. 477 00:18:34,095 --> 00:18:35,970 You sure this isn't a suicide note? 478 00:18:35,970 --> 00:18:37,470 Don't worry. They're alive. 479 00:18:37,470 --> 00:18:39,720 I got like six calls today from Celebrity Big Brother 480 00:18:39,720 --> 00:18:40,887 checking their references. 481 00:18:40,887 --> 00:18:42,387 This doesn't make sense. 482 00:18:42,387 --> 00:18:43,970 I've always hired the best people, 483 00:18:43,970 --> 00:18:46,428 ever since my days with the Dalai Lama. 484 00:18:46,428 --> 00:18:48,470 Sir, about that... 485 00:18:48,470 --> 00:18:50,762 The bad news is the Dalai Lama 486 00:18:50,762 --> 00:18:52,345 was a vagrant who wore bed sheets 487 00:18:52,345 --> 00:18:54,303 and sold Rubik's Cubes on the boardwalk. 488 00:18:54,303 --> 00:18:56,637 The good news is I got us a deal on T-shirts 489 00:18:56,637 --> 00:19:00,011 that say "Jersey Girls Aren't Trash. Trash Gets Taken Out." 490 00:19:00,011 --> 00:19:01,428 If the Times runs this story tomorrow, 491 00:19:01,428 --> 00:19:02,887 it's because someone stole my phone 492 00:19:02,887 --> 00:19:04,428 and texted it to them just now. [sent text message whooshes] 493 00:19:04,428 --> 00:19:07,345 Wait. If I hired them and they're not the best people, 494 00:19:07,345 --> 00:19:10,345 then I might not be the best person, but I am the best. 495 00:19:10,345 --> 00:19:13,178 This is the sort of paradox that fake Dalai Lama 496 00:19:13,178 --> 00:19:16,387 would know just the right T-shirt for. 497 00:19:16,387 --> 00:19:18,053 ♪♪♪ 498 00:19:18,053 --> 00:19:20,845 At least the Democrats can't use my cabinet against me 499 00:19:20,845 --> 00:19:22,637 if I don't have a cabinet anymore. 500 00:19:22,637 --> 00:19:24,178 Democratic strategists 501 00:19:24,178 --> 00:19:26,679 are focus testing their new 2020 slogan, 502 00:19:26,679 --> 00:19:29,887 "Trump's So Lame Even His Loser Cabinet Ditched Him." 503 00:19:29,887 --> 00:19:31,595 Crap. That's a winner. 504 00:19:31,595 --> 00:19:34,679 Of course, Trump still has Stefan Millar in his stable. 505 00:19:34,679 --> 00:19:36,845 But for how long? 506 00:19:36,845 --> 00:19:39,178 [Cruz] Why aren't you excited? 507 00:19:39,178 --> 00:19:40,804 You got everything you wanted, 508 00:19:40,804 --> 00:19:43,178 and all you had to do was sell your soul. 509 00:19:43,178 --> 00:19:44,428 Exactly. 510 00:19:44,428 --> 00:19:47,261 It's Stefan Millar at the podium, not Stephen Miller. 511 00:19:47,261 --> 00:19:49,929 What's the point if I can't describe the border wall 512 00:19:49,929 --> 00:19:52,303 in vivid, sexually vulgar detail? 513 00:19:52,303 --> 00:19:55,679 Big, pulsating turrets quivering with gunfire! 514 00:19:55,679 --> 00:19:57,053 Try not to hurt your new image. 515 00:19:57,053 --> 00:19:58,595 Don't let your mouth write checks 516 00:19:58,595 --> 00:20:01,178 my beard hair glued to your scalp can't cash. 517 00:20:01,178 --> 00:20:02,679 [manager] Compliments of the house, 518 00:20:02,679 --> 00:20:05,637 the finest wine Mexico has to offer. 519 00:20:05,637 --> 00:20:08,970 [manager's voice echoing] Mexico...Mexico...Mexico... 520 00:20:08,970 --> 00:20:10,970 Mexico...Mexico... [slurping] 521 00:20:10,970 --> 00:20:13,053 Oh-hoo-hoo! Those Oaxacan grapes 522 00:20:13,053 --> 00:20:17,136 are bringing sweet nourishment to tipsy Ted Cruuuzzz! 523 00:20:17,136 --> 00:20:19,136 Ted Cruz, Ted Cruz, Ted Cruz, Ted Cruz! 524 00:20:19,136 --> 00:20:20,261 Mexico... 525 00:20:20,261 --> 00:20:23,220 -Mexico...Mexico...Mexico. -Oh, God. 526 00:20:23,220 --> 00:20:25,053 It's so good! 527 00:20:25,053 --> 00:20:28,053 I'm sorry, Stephen Miller! Aaah! 528 00:20:28,053 --> 00:20:31,637 [painfully] Ya Boy's so sorry! 529 00:20:31,637 --> 00:20:35,720 ♪♪♪ 530 00:20:35,720 --> 00:20:38,136 Sometimes I stare into the distance, 531 00:20:38,136 --> 00:20:40,220 wondering if, across the world, 532 00:20:40,220 --> 00:20:43,095 there's a little kid in Birdville staring back at me. 533 00:20:43,095 --> 00:20:45,303 You really miss your cabinet, don't you? 534 00:20:45,303 --> 00:20:48,053 We had one of our best days together up here. 535 00:20:48,053 --> 00:20:50,887 This is where they all fell and nearly died. 536 00:20:50,887 --> 00:20:53,053 Hey, Dad. Remember when me and Eric 537 00:20:53,053 --> 00:20:54,804 were little kids? Gross. 538 00:20:54,804 --> 00:20:57,428 Remember what you used to tell us before we went to bed? 539 00:20:57,428 --> 00:20:58,637 You'd say... 540 00:20:58,637 --> 00:21:00,220 You're nothing without me. 541 00:21:00,220 --> 00:21:03,887 And if I ever die, which I won't, you'll be nothing again. 542 00:21:03,887 --> 00:21:05,720 [Don and Eric Jr.] Night, Dad! 543 00:21:05,720 --> 00:21:07,470 That kept me going, Dad. 544 00:21:07,470 --> 00:21:09,303 I knew I didn't need to work hard 545 00:21:09,303 --> 00:21:10,929 or have any talent, intelligence, 546 00:21:10,929 --> 00:21:12,970 or even a tolerable personality. 547 00:21:12,970 --> 00:21:14,303 I just needed you. 548 00:21:14,303 --> 00:21:17,136 I wanted to give my kids the whole world, 549 00:21:17,136 --> 00:21:19,595 and since I am the whole world, I did. 550 00:21:19,595 --> 00:21:22,095 And that's what you should have done with your cabinet. 551 00:21:22,095 --> 00:21:25,470 To be the best, they don't need to have faith in themselves. 552 00:21:25,470 --> 00:21:27,637 They just need to have faith in you. 553 00:21:27,637 --> 00:21:29,095 Thanks, Don. 554 00:21:29,095 --> 00:21:31,428 Tell General Kellyanne to get my cabinet back here 555 00:21:31,428 --> 00:21:35,220 so they can watch the best be the best! 556 00:21:35,220 --> 00:21:37,637 Oh, and Don... 557 00:21:37,637 --> 00:21:40,303 You're still nothing without me. 558 00:21:40,303 --> 00:21:43,512 I know, Dad. I know. 559 00:21:43,512 --> 00:21:47,095 ♪♪♪ 560 00:21:47,095 --> 00:21:50,303 [can rattling, spraying] 561 00:21:50,303 --> 00:21:54,387 Hey! Try using a star of David to dot the I. 562 00:21:54,387 --> 00:21:56,470 That's a really cool idea, man. 563 00:21:56,470 --> 00:21:59,178 Hey, you look like Stephen Miller. You know that guy? 564 00:21:59,178 --> 00:22:01,845 He was one of the most talented bigots in the game. 565 00:22:01,845 --> 00:22:03,345 I wonder whatever happened to him. 566 00:22:03,345 --> 00:22:04,553 So do I. 567 00:22:04,553 --> 00:22:07,428 He used to eat at the Shakey's where I worked. 568 00:22:07,428 --> 00:22:10,387 Man, we'd all compete to see how much of our insides 569 00:22:10,387 --> 00:22:12,261 we could get onto each slice. 570 00:22:12,261 --> 00:22:14,345 Still, hell of a racist, though. 571 00:22:14,345 --> 00:22:17,345 ♪♪♪ 572 00:22:17,345 --> 00:22:19,136 They're not coming, are they? 573 00:22:19,136 --> 00:22:21,512 Trust me, Mr. President, they'll be here. 574 00:22:21,512 --> 00:22:22,679 [DeVos] Did I win?! 575 00:22:22,679 --> 00:22:24,095 Is this the championship episode?! 576 00:22:24,095 --> 00:22:27,095 None of you losers are contestants on The Amazing Race. 577 00:22:27,095 --> 00:22:28,261 I lied to get you here. 578 00:22:28,261 --> 00:22:29,512 -Aww! -That stinks. 579 00:22:29,512 --> 00:22:33,261 A vagrant with IBS who I thought was the Dalai Lama 580 00:22:33,261 --> 00:22:35,720 taught me about the dichotomy of man. 581 00:22:35,720 --> 00:22:39,261 Just like a Rubik's Cube can be both solved and unsolved 582 00:22:39,261 --> 00:22:40,887 if you never take it out of the box, 583 00:22:40,887 --> 00:22:44,345 an employee can be both the best and the worst. 584 00:22:44,345 --> 00:22:46,387 Without me, you're all the worst, 585 00:22:46,387 --> 00:22:49,136 but you're all the best because of me. 586 00:22:49,136 --> 00:22:50,553 And now I'll prove it... 587 00:22:50,553 --> 00:22:53,637 by walking to the Washington Monument! 588 00:22:53,637 --> 00:22:55,595 Tell my wife she loves me! 589 00:22:55,595 --> 00:22:56,970 -Oh, my God. -Oh, he's really doing it! 590 00:22:56,970 --> 00:22:59,053 Is the Secret Service really allowing this? 591 00:22:59,053 --> 00:23:00,553 [tires screech, camera shutters clicking] 592 00:23:00,553 --> 00:23:04,595 [exhales deeply] I'm comin' home, Birdville Boy. 593 00:23:04,595 --> 00:23:06,553 [creaking] 594 00:23:08,261 --> 00:23:10,428 [rumbling] 595 00:23:14,220 --> 00:23:15,470 [sirens wailing] 596 00:23:15,470 --> 00:23:18,345 Fake...news? 597 00:23:18,345 --> 00:23:22,178 Who had June for Trump toppling the Washington Monument? 598 00:23:22,178 --> 00:23:24,387 -That was me! Pay up. -Aww. 599 00:23:24,387 --> 00:23:25,887 Oh, man. 600 00:23:25,887 --> 00:23:28,095 I hope the people at the top of that monument 601 00:23:28,095 --> 00:23:29,887 had their seatbelts on. 602 00:23:29,887 --> 00:23:31,470 [as Miller] What the! 603 00:23:31,470 --> 00:23:33,428 God, I'm so friggin' embarrassed. 604 00:23:33,428 --> 00:23:36,512 Someone do something! Where's Stefan?! 605 00:23:36,512 --> 00:23:40,261 Stefan can't help you, Mr. President, 606 00:23:40,261 --> 00:23:43,345 but I know someone who can! 607 00:23:43,345 --> 00:23:45,970 This is Stephen Miller! 608 00:23:45,970 --> 00:23:48,428 The President's life has been put in danger 609 00:23:48,428 --> 00:23:50,804 by this Mexican manufactured tightrope 610 00:23:50,804 --> 00:23:53,345 which was clearly sabotaged! 611 00:23:53,345 --> 00:23:55,595 Just as Mexicans have sabotaged 612 00:23:55,595 --> 00:23:57,679 the dream of millions of Americans 613 00:23:57,679 --> 00:24:01,970 to get a job debeaking chickens at a factory farm! 614 00:24:01,970 --> 00:24:06,762 We must retaliate against this hostile act with military might! 615 00:24:06,762 --> 00:24:08,845 Breaking news. Stephen Miller has announced 616 00:24:08,845 --> 00:24:12,178 the administration has declared war on Mexico, 617 00:24:12,178 --> 00:24:15,011 causing viewers to seek comfort 618 00:24:15,011 --> 00:24:17,929 in the folds of my deeply furrowed brow. 619 00:24:17,929 --> 00:24:20,804 [President Trump] It's good to have you all back. 620 00:24:20,804 --> 00:24:22,136 I'm glad you've come to see 621 00:24:22,136 --> 00:24:24,762 that because I'm the best, you are, too. 622 00:24:24,762 --> 00:24:27,303 Also, all the job interviews we went on 623 00:24:27,303 --> 00:24:30,261 ended up being really violent YouTube pranks. 624 00:24:30,261 --> 00:24:32,762 I want to especially commend Stefan Millar 625 00:24:32,762 --> 00:24:34,387 who changed the conversation 626 00:24:34,387 --> 00:24:36,637 about me destroying a national monument 627 00:24:36,637 --> 00:24:39,804 by launching a debate over an unnecessary war. 628 00:24:39,804 --> 00:24:42,345 [as Miller] Actually, sir, it was I, Stephen Miller! 629 00:24:42,345 --> 00:24:45,345 I was Stefan Millar the whole time. 630 00:24:45,345 --> 00:24:47,095 Got it. Fire Stefan Millar 631 00:24:47,095 --> 00:24:49,178 for leaving me out to dry last night. 632 00:24:49,178 --> 00:24:50,387 Right away, sir! 633 00:24:50,387 --> 00:24:53,512 Stefan, en garde! Shing! Ting! Wing! Ting! 634 00:24:53,512 --> 00:24:55,178 [high-pitched voice] Hello, boys! 635 00:24:55,178 --> 00:24:57,512 [Miller] Ah. My insatiable maidens have returned! 636 00:24:57,512 --> 00:24:59,136 [high-pitched voice] Mwah! Mwah! Mwah! 637 00:24:59,136 --> 00:25:00,845 Just like old times, 638 00:25:00,845 --> 00:25:04,470 with a nice cozy uncontrolled fire to keep us warm. 639 00:25:04,470 --> 00:25:05,720 [pained groan, thud] 640 00:25:05,720 --> 00:25:08,553 I think Wilbur Ross just died of smoke inhalation! 641 00:25:08,553 --> 00:25:09,804 What should we do?! 642 00:25:09,804 --> 00:25:11,679 Ooh! Ooh! Let's chop up his corpse and mix it 643 00:25:11,679 --> 00:25:13,178 into Stephen Miller's food! 644 00:25:13,178 --> 00:25:15,720 [all] Yay! 645 00:25:15,720 --> 00:25:17,136 ['80s-style pop music plays] 646 00:25:17,136 --> 00:25:20,261 ♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪ 647 00:25:20,261 --> 00:25:23,720 ♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪ 648 00:25:23,720 --> 00:25:26,178 ♪ Is Donald Trump the president? ♪ 649 00:25:26,178 --> 00:25:27,762 ♪ Yes, he is ♪ 650 00:25:27,762 --> 00:25:30,720 ♪ Yes, he is, we elected him president ♪ 651 00:25:30,720 --> 00:25:33,387 ♪ Is Donald Trump the president? ♪ 652 00:25:33,387 --> 00:25:34,845 ♪ Yes, he is ♪ 653 00:25:34,845 --> 00:25:37,887 ♪ We had a vote and elected him president ♪ 654 00:25:37,887 --> 00:25:42,887 ♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪ 655 00:25:45,178 --> 00:25:46,804 ♪ Donald Trump ♪ 656 00:25:46,804 --> 00:25:50,220 ♪ He is our president ♪ 657 00:25:50,220 --> 00:25:53,679 ♪ We made him president ♪ 658 00:25:53,679 --> 00:25:56,011 ♪ We did it ♪ 659 00:25:56,011 --> 00:25:59,970 ♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪ 660 00:25:59,970 --> 00:26:03,011 ♪ We elected Donald Trump ♪ 661 00:26:03,011 --> 00:26:06,512 ♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪ 662 00:26:06,512 --> 00:26:10,095 ♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪ 663 00:26:10,095 --> 00:26:13,887 ♪ Yeah ♪ 664 00:26:13,887 --> 00:26:16,053 Trump!