♪ Dirty Mouth by Alice Phoebe Lou ♪
♪ I want nothing ♪
♪ I want it all now ♪
♪ I've got a dirty mouth ♪
♪ I'm gonna wash it out ♪
♪ I've got baggage ♪
♪ It's got big wheels ♪
♪ I got a little dog ♪
♪ Biting at my heels ♪
‐ It's like calm down.
♪ Not gonna make your dreams come true ♪
♪ Don't touch me ♪
♪ Don't even look at me ♪
Q: Is she going into Celeste's office?
♪ I've got laser beams ♪
♪ Coming out my eyes ♪
♪ Do you still really ♪
♪ Wanna mess with me? ♪
‐ Don't look at me like that. I need to do this.
♪ Mess with me? ♪
[typing]
[ring tone]
DELPHINE [on phone]: This is Delphine Young.
‐ Hi! [nervous laugh] Hello. You answered.
‐ Yeah, that's how the phone works. Who is this?
‐ Right, sorry. Um,
this is Jules Wiley. We met at the‐‐
DELPHINE [on phone]: The Wellness Summit.
The tech nerd at heart. I remember.
You do? Um, amazing
because I remember you and your exhibit very well.
I even recommended it to a stranger
on the street recently,
and I hate strangers, so high praise.
[clears throat]
Anyway, uh, I've given it a lot of thought,
and I would really love to come in for an interview
if that's still on the table.
DELPHINE: Sure. I'm running to a meeting now,
and I'm off to London for a pop‐up exhibit,
but I'll be back in a month,
and we can get something on the books.
‐ Next month? Um...
Look, I know this sounds crazy, but I'm turning 30 next week,
and I'm finally ready to go after what I want,
and that is this job.
‐ Alright. I have a dinner,
but I can meet you afterwards.
Soho Warehouse 9 PM. Tell them you're my guest.
They're mean to nonmembers.
[sighs] [knocking on glass]
‐ Is there no privacy here?
‐ No. We live in a glass house.
‐ Yeah, and there's an emergency situation that needs your attention.
‐ What? ‐ Well, we can't talk here. Obviously.
SKY: Come on. I know where. [Jules sighs]
‐ What is happening, besides My Little Pony
taking a dump in the conference room? ‐ She took a shit on my week.
Celeste decided to reach our mom audience.
She wants to do a Children's Woöm Gift Guide,
so I'm fielding products for it.
But, the amount of princess stuff I've been sent is truly haunting.
‐ What year is it? Did they not come up
with better ways to traumatize children yet?
‐ More like once‐upon‐a‐time's up.
‐ I wrote my senior thesis on why stories like this
reinforce problematic stereotypes.
Sexism, racism, ableism.
Pretty much all the isms are an issue.
‐ I mean, that mermaid gave up her literal voice
for a vagina and legs to try and hook up with that guy
who got drunk and fell off his dad's boat on his birthday.
Like, that is just a no for me.
‐ I would never give up my voice for my legs.
‐ Okay, is this a TED Talk?
Which I'm down for,
but I thought you said there was a problem.
‐ We have tea about where Izzy is.
‐ And the tea is hot. It's, like, scalding.
It's burn your insides.
‐ Izzy is with Alison J.
‐ What?
No. Izzy is on a post‐breakup solo wine weekend.
‐ Aw, sis, you've been lied to.
‐ We sensed something shady was going down at the Wellness Summit,
so we've been keeping our ears to the ground for the past few weeks.
‐ After the 25th microaggression in a row,
one of the assistants at the Alisons had just, like, had it.
So, we met with her, and then two sips into her dirty martini‐‐
‐ Told us that damn ugly truth.
♪
Q: Once upon a time, there was a king named Colin
and a queen named Celeste,
who had a nasty fucking divorce
when the king cheated on the queen
by fucking your best friend.
Anyway...
SKY: Like, seriously, Madison is so pretty. Continue.
Q: The king really wanted the castle in Malibu,
but the Queen wouldn't budge, since he had betrayed her.
[knights grunt]
SKY: So now, the king is coming after her heart.
[indistinct mumbling]
He's accusing her of lying about how much
the Kingdom of Woöm is worth and is willing to do whatever it takes
to prove it and take the queen down.
‐ Grr!
Q: The king has even enlisted the help
of the queen's former royal court, the Alisons,
by promising them a handsome prize. ALISONS: Ooh!
SKY: He's offered them Series B funding for their company
in exchange for damaging financial info from Woöm.
Q: But because they had already left the kingdom,
the Alisons had to lure Princess Izzy
to their chic boutique hotel in the woods.
♪
[cork pops]
SKY: Now, they've trapped Princess Izzy under their spell.
They're offering her a job, but really,
they're just after her work computer with documents
to stab Queen Celeste in the back...
[beeping]
Q: So they can live happily ever after
on a therapist's couch because these people are messy.
[sighs]
‐ Whoa, that is a lot to unpack.
Okay, I've unpacked it, and it's very bad!
♪ theme song ♪
[squeaking, caps highlighter]
[squeaking, click]
[sighs]
[squeak, click]
[squeak]
‐ Sorry, is this annoying?
‐ Yes.
‐ [sighs] Well, it's the bar's grand opening party guest list.
So, yellow is family and friends,
pink are for the influencers, and blue is...
Well, literally just two guys from my internship
that I wanna see how well I'm doing. ‐ [laughs] Naturally.
[phone buzzing]
‐ It's Liv.
Hey.
Yeah.
‐ Okay.
Yeah.
Sure.
I hear you.
Yeah.
[sighs] [uncaps highlighter]
‐ Stella Cole, you re‐pop that top and start talking.
What is going on with you and Liv?
‐ It's nothing. ‐ Really?
Because you asked to work from my place today,
and that phone call had all the syllables of a very depressing haiku.
‐ She is just working on the inspection,
and I am dealing with the party.
Also, there was this weird potential breakup thing
that I really don't wanna talk about.
‐ Are you sure? ‐ Yes.
I just want to focus on the opening
and everything I need to get done.
Speaking of which, did Ruby come through
with a band to play at the party?
‐ Um...
‐ What's wrong with Ruby?
‐ Nothing, besides the fact that she's someone
I'll never speak to again for the rest of my life.
‐ Okay, well, that's gonna be a long‐ass flight to Australia.
[sighs]
‐ The tour isn't happening. I put all of my career eggs
in Ruby's basket, and she fucking scrambled them.
‐ Not all of your eggs.
I mean, what about Lotus Dragon Bebe, right?
I remember you telling me something about
some live show she's doing with a princess.
‐ Introducing one erotic dancer to one royal investor
does not a PR career make, Stella.
‐ So, does Jules know about this Ruby thing?
‐ [sighs] I've picked up my phone a million times this weekend to text her,
but I just feel like such an idiot.
I don't know what I'm gonna say the next time I see her.
[door opens] JULES: Uh, hello?
‐ Well, looks like we're all about to find out.
‐ Guys! I have to tell you something!
♪
‐ Hi. ‐ Hi.
‐ We should probably talk.
‐ We should, but that is not why I busted in dramatically.
‐ Oh, right, you did just do that. What's wrong?
‐ Izzy's in trouble.
I'm very winded.
♪
‐ I think I'm in a Colin‐related rage blackout,
so I'm struggling to process.
‐ And I already tried calling her, like, 55 times
on the way over here and she's not answering.
‐ Okay, maybe Izzy thinks that you're calling her from work
or with Celeste or something?
I mean, we can try from my phone.
‐ Oh! Good idea.
'Cause you're less of a friend and more of a deity to Izzy.
She would never not answer for you.
‐ Yeah, put it on speaker.
[phone ringing]
IZZY [on phone]: Hey. ‐ Izzy?
Are you okay? I'm with Jules and Madison.
‐ Sorry, it's not a great time.
‐ Okay, Izzy, listen, you have to leave those girls and come home.
‐ Stella, they're offering me a job.
‐ No, Izzy, they can't be trusted, okay?
They're using you. I mean, they don't actually care about you.
‐ Oh 'cause, like, who would actually care about me,
right? [sarcastic laugh] ‐ What?
No. No, that's not what I meant at all.
Izzy, this is not like you. What's wrong?
‐ Whatever. I gotta go.
[line beeping]
♪
‐ Did Izzy...
just hang up...
on Stella?
‐ This feels crazy. Are we in the upside down?
‐ Yeah, she did. Something is wrong.
Something is very, very wrong.
‐ Hey. ALISON J: Hey.
‐ Sorry about that. Um,
running a little late this morning dealing with some shit. [laughs]
‐ No worries, lady. I'm just très pleased
we have some more time to chat. How'd you sleep?
‐ Well, after receiving very upsetting news about my boss,
and then lying to all my best friends,
I would say I got a solid six to eight minutes.
‐ The Alisons just thought you should know what Celeste did.
I mean, they point blank told her when they left Woöm
that they wanted to take you with them,
and the only reason they didn't is because she said
she was gonna promote you, so.
‐ They definitely don't do a Bloody Mary here?
Just struggling with breakfast wine.
‐ We all realized she lied when she picked Jules instead.
And that is not the only thing she lied about.
♪
‐ Um... What else?
‐ She completely lied about how much Woöm is worth
in her divorce proceedings.
That's why there was so much drama in the separation.
And, on a personal note,
we take the same Pilates class, and she never says hi.
‐ Oh, in her defense, she's really not a greetings person, so don't‐‐
‐ Izzy, I'm not kidding. She committed fraud.
‐ Do you really think so?
‐ Yes, I could show you.
You know, if you, I don't know, have your work laptop,
you might have access to the shared drive with the financial reports.
‐ So, what do we do?
This feels like friend threat level midnight.
STELLA: I agree.
I mean, I don't think Izzy would ever hang up on me
if she wasn't secretly under the threat of clear and present danger.
‐ The Alisons must've hypnotized her, or put her under a spell or something.
‐ What if she's being brainwashed?
‐ Or blackmailed. Wait!
What if they have collateral on her like NXIVM?
‐ Naked pictures? [Jules gasps]
‐ What if they're forcing her to play volleyball?
MADISON: Ugh...
‐ Okay, this is now a rescue mission. I will drive.
‐ Wait, isn't Napa, like, eight hours away?
‐ Oh god, I don't have eight hours.
I have to be downtown tonight at 9:00 PM for a work meeting
that is very important. Not saving‐Izzy important.
Just one that I should definitely not miss.
‐ The next available flight with seats isn't until tomorrow afternoon.
‐ Okay, well, are trains still a thing?
‐ They exist, yeah, but it's not gonna be faster with all the stops.
‐ Okay, well, does anyone have a fairy godmother then?
‐ I know a princess.
‐ Uh, what are you saying?
‐ I'm saying I don't have a fairy godmother,
but the investor in the Bebe's live show
is a literal princess.
Who has a plane.
♪
♪ This is my squad ♪
STELLA: It would be insensitive of me to put this on my IG story, right?
I mean, considering Izzy might be in trouble.
‐ Hm, feels like a bank for later situation.
But, you don't not look like Beyoncé right now.
[laughs] [shutter snaps]
Holy shit, she has a helicopter, too?
‐ You should see the yacht.
‐ Fuck it. For the bank! ‐ Okay, let me get a pic!
[Madison laughs]
‐ One more? Yes! Got it! My turn. [shutter snapping]
♪ We got it, we got it, oh yeah ♪
[plane roaring]
♪ We come together ♪
♪ This is my squad ♪
[shutter snaps] For the bank.
♪ soft music ♪
‐ [sighs] I will say massage chairs
built into an airplane are inspired.
‐ I'm still too mad at Colin to enjoy sky caviar.
Alright, maybe I'll try just one. [laughs]
‐ Do we think that Celeste actually lied about how much Woöm is worth?
‐ To be honest, I have no idea.
But given the history with Colin, I wouldn't exactly blame her.
‐ You know, I didn't think it was possible for me
to hate him any more than I already did, and yet...
‐ That dude is straight‐up diabolical.
I mean, at first, I thought he was like
The Affair season one evil,
but this is a whole other level.
This is like Succession season three evil.
‐ It's insane he's coming after her like this.
‐ And using her employees. ‐ He's like a real‐life villain.
‐ Yeah, the fairy tales we grew up on
did not prepare us for what real‐life villains were going to look like.
‐ Yeah, that's true because most villains
are just middle‐aged white guys.
‐ Right? Those movies made us scared of women with heavy eyeliner.
‐ I still can't believe Izzy got wrapped up in all this.
I know she used to be influenced by the Alisons or whatever,
but this is‐‐ JULES: Extreme.
‐ I just hope we can get to her before they force her
to do something she'll regret. STELLA: I know.
I'm so worried.
And yet so comfortable. [smug giggling]
[sighs] Should we have a drink?
♪
‐ You're doing the right thing, Izzy.
‐ I don't know what I'm doing anymore.
I pushed my boyfriend away,
and I hung up on my best friends.
ALISON: No, no, no. I'll tell you what you're doing.
You are making yourself the main character in your story.
And guess what? I'm bingeing it.
‐ [sighs] Here. Just take it.
‐ So dramatic. [laughs]
Wait, where are you going?
I got us one last wine tasting to celebrate
before we go back to LA! [laughs]
Okay... Weird to walk away and not say anything.
[squeal]
[clicking] Secrets, secrets, secret, secrets.
[panting]
‐ Hi. The concierge said this is where we could find one
or more extremely problematic women named Alison.
♪
ALISON J: Oh my god.
[imitates siren]
[slurred] The freaking friend squad is here. What's up, girlies?
‐ Jesus. ‐ Wine has been tasted.
JULES: Alison, you are too drunk to process this,
but we are very disappointed in you. Where is Izzy?
‐ Wait, isn't that her laptop? Did you steal it?
‐ No. STELLA: What, do you
have her chained to a radiator or something?
‐ Okay, the five of you...
‐ There's three of us.
‐ ...need to listen.
I didn't take this.
Izzy gave it to me,
just like she gave me all the little wines
because she didn't want them because she's being emo as hell.
[laughs] Then she went on a walk.
‐ Wait, if Izzy gave that to her willingly, then...
‐ I'm officially freaked out. We have to find her.
‐ How? This place is like a wine continent.
‐ Look, we have to split up. Text each other if we find her.
‐ God, I'm really worried about her. ‐ We'll find her.
‐ Bye. [giggles]
SKY: With Princess Izzy captured,
our babes in shining couture came to her rescue.
Q: I mean, they're wearing off‐the‐rack, but fine.
‐ Izzy!
♪
‐ Izzy!
Where are you?!
SKY: Jules arrived expecting to rescue Izzy from the Alisons grasp,
only to discover the real villain maybe someone even more dangerous.
Q: Izzy herself.
♪ Broadway music ♪
[sighs]
♪ If you think dragons guarding castles ♪
♪ Can keep a girl confined ♪
♪ I'll tell you, they have nothing on ♪
♪ The ones inside my mind ♪
♪ Yes, I believed in happy endings ♪
♪ Once upon a time ♪
♪ But happiness may be a thing ♪
♪ For which I'm not designed ♪
♪ I met a prince who thought the world of me ♪
♪ And sent him packing ♪
♪ He'll never know ♪
♪ The problem lies ♪
♪ Within all that I'm lacking ♪
♪ No true love kiss can wake me ♪
♪ From a curse of my own making ♪
♪ The dream that I deserved him ♪
♪ Was the dream that I'd be faking ♪
♪ This funk that I've been stuck in ♪
♪ For a lifetime feels unshakable ♪
♪ I'm starting to believe ♪
♪ That I am the curse that's unbreakable ♪
♪ What magic power could come and set me ♪
♪ Free? ♪
♪ When the terrible tower I'm trapped in ♪
♪ Is me? ♪
♪ Is me ♪
[inaudible]
♪
♪ Sometimes, I tell myself I'm nothing ♪
♪ That I matter not at all ♪
♪ The darkest foe I've ever met ♪
♪ Lives in the mirror on the wall ♪
♪ And it may sound like I'm complaining ♪
♪ But truth be told, I'm scared ♪
♪ That these feelings I'm containing ♪
♪ Might just kill me if not shared ♪
♪ This funk that I've been stuck in ♪
♪ For a lifetime feels unshakable ♪
♪ I'm starting to believe ♪
♪ That I'm the curse that's unbreakable ♪
♪ What magic power could come and set me ♪
♪ Free? ♪
♪ When the terrible tower I'm trapped in ♪
♪ Is me? ♪
♪ Is me... ♪
ALL: Izzy!
‐ Izzy! Come on, she's going this way.
[knocking]
Iz? We know you're there! It's us!
[knocking] MADISON: Hello? Please open up!
JULES: The concierge gave us a key, Izzy! We're coming in.
[all gasp]
♪ dramatic music ♪
‐ Do you think she, like, took something? ‐ Who knows CPR?
‐ I mean, I had to learn it in case Bruno choked on a Lego.
Okay, okay.
♪
[gasps]
‐ [gasps] Oh, thank fuck! ‐ [gasps] Oh, thank God. You're okay.
‐ What are you guys doing here?
‐ We were worried about you.
‐ Wh...
Why are you trying to make out with me?
‐ Okay, that was CPR that I learned on YouTube.
I mean, I probably should've taken a real class
'cause I had no idea what I was doing there.
‐ Yeah, you used tongue?
‐ Look, you scared the shit out of us.
‐ Yeah, we were worried you took a bunch of pills or something.
‐ Oh god, no. I just didn't get a lot of sleep last night.
I was taking a deeply sad nap.
‐ Izzy, what is going on? You're not acting like yourself.
You lied, and you lied well.
‐ I know. Can't believe I pulled that off.
Should I get into politics?
‐ The Alisons are trying to screw over Celeste
because they think Colin will give them money if they do.
‐ Those bribe‐taking Barbies are not to be trusted.
‐ I know, except they can't screw Celeste over
because she isn't lying.
‐ But, those financial documents the Alisons were after?
‐ Everything Celeste reported about Woöm is actually true.
We're pretty much broke.
‐ But, we‐we charge $200 for eyebrow brushes!
They're just tiny combs! How is that possible?
‐ Celeste has always said, "You gotta spend money to make money,"
but I think she took it too far, and I'm pretty sure she only watched
the first half of the WeWork documentary.
That sculpture right by the front entrance? She spent 50K on it.
‐ The one we use as a coat rack?
Well, if there was nothing bad on the laptop, why did you give it to them?
‐ I don't know. I guess it just sort of felt like a symbolic gesture
of me giving the fuck up.
I just get in a dark place sometimes.
Can't believe I have to spend the rest of my life with myself.
‐ Okay. Izzy,
we're here to snap you out of it.
You better start being nicer to yourself, or I'm gonna fuck you up.
That's my best friend you're talking about.
‐ Yeah. If you keep shitting on yourself, we'll all beat you up.
‐ Because we love you. IZZY: Ugh, I am out of it.
You're right.
I'm sorry I lied to you guys.
I hate keeping things from you.
MADISON: We all need to be honest with each other.
♪
‐ Okay, well...
I'm not sure I'm ready for a girlfriend and a kid.
And I mean, if I'm not, then I can't do that to Bruno
because I know what that feels like. I was that kid.
‐ So, Ruby kind of imploded.
Like, scorched earth‐style.
Australia canceled,
career getting on track canceled,
friendship canceled. All of it.
[Jules sighs, clears throat]
‐ I wanna quit my job.
‐ Wait, what?
‐ The meeting I have to be back for tonight isn't for Woöm.
It's an interview for that digital media job at the museum.
‐ Whoa. Uh,
okay, I'm seeing we all had a lot to share.
‐ I'm really sorry I didn't listen to your Spidey senses.
‐ I'm really sorry they were right.
‐ I'm feeling a really strong urge to suggest a group hug.
‐ Let's not do the whole bottle‐up‐our‐feelings
and‐not‐tell‐each‐other‐things ever again.
‐ Yeah, who did we think we were? Men?
‐ Jules, we do have to get back to the private jet
if you wanna make it in time. ‐ Oh, wait a second.
Did you just say "private jet"?
Did you guys come to rescue me in a private jet?
‐ Told you we loved you.
‐ Okay, fuck it. I need the hug.
[laughter]
‐ Okay, bonding moment over. We have to go.
IZZY: Okay. MADISON: Okay.
‐ And who the fuck has a private jet?
‐ [slurred]: Can I please speak to your manager?
I mean, you have chicken. You have cheese.
There's no reason room service can't make me an off‐the‐menu quesadilla.
Seriously, my day has taken a turn that's, like, less than ideal.
[mumbles]
‐ Guess you found out by now that Celeste wasn't lying.
‐ Um, it's really weird that you still pay for music on iTunes.
‐ I know.
‐ Do you have anything else you'd like to say to her?
‐ Like, "Sorry for being awful"?
[sighs]
‐ I was just trying to be who the Alisons wanted me to be.
‐ I know what it's like to wanna be anyone else other than yourself.
‐ I'm a fucking Karen.
Like, that's my real legal name.
‐ But it doesn't mean you have to be an actual Karen, okay?
And trying to be an Allison by hurting
and manipulating people is not the answer.
‐ Now, if you'll excuse us, we have a private jet to catch.
‐ You guys are taking a PJ back to LA? Could I hop a ride?
MADISON: Ha! Absolutely not. IZZY: Sorry.
‐ But, enjoy Southwest.
‐ God, I'm never making it to this 9:00 meeting.
By the time we land and drive downtown in traffic...
‐ But, if you had a helicopter...
‐ She has a helicopter!
♪ I'm mad at Disney, Disney, they tricked me ♪
JULES: I think it's that building.
PILOT: Roger that, setting her down. JULES: I hope this is okay.
I'm not a member.
♪ I'm 20‐something, I still... ♪
JULES: Thanks, Pete!
[helicopter whirring]
♪ What I'm not ♪
[beep]
Made it.
♪
[helicopter whirring]
♪ 'Cause I felt sad love ♪
♪ I felt bad love ♪
♪ Sometimes happy love ♪
♪ Turns into giving up ♪
♪ I felt hurt love ♪
♪ By the word love ♪
♪ Oh, what the hell is love ♪
♪ Supposed to feel like? ♪
♪ What the hell is love, what the hell is love ♪
♪ What the hell is love ♪
♪ Supposed to feel like? ♪
♪ What the hell is love, what the hell is love ♪
♪ What the hell is love ♪
♪ Supposed to feel like? ♪
♪
♪ I'm mad at Disney, Disney ♪
♪ They tricked me, tricked me, no more wishing ♪
♪ On a shooting star ♪