♪ E... ♪
♪ 'verybody... ♪
♪ Needs a friend ♪
JULES: Never feel more alone than when
I'm putting a fitted sheet on a bed as one human person.
This is a team activity.
‐ You know, we do have
a fourth friend who could've been helpful
in this situation.
‐ As a child of many divorces,
I really can't handle when you and Madison fight.
‐ Oh my god, are we gonna have to have separate Friendsgivings?
‐ Madison is going with Ruby to Australia
and not to Greece with me! We're just...
giving each other some space.
Two continents of space.
♪ Need me ♪
It's not like she's tried reaching out to me.
She can text me any time she wants. ‐ I'm sure she will.
[phone buzzing]
Some days, I have to convince myself that I am not at least part witch.
[buzzing stops]
‐ Well?! ‐ It's Fender.
‐ Okay, and why are you not more excited?
‐ Because he's on tour with who knows how many groupies probably.
I'm not exactly trying to get my hopes up.
[phone ringing]
‐ Is it one of the groupies?
‐ Uh, basically.
It's my mom. This is the third time she's called me.
I love her, but I just cannot do Sharon Wiley right now.
‐ Okay, are we the only two people in your life you are talking to right now, or...
‐ Pretty much pleading the fifth emotionally, yeah.
‐ If my mom called me three times in a row,
I would be fully convinced that someone in my family had passed away.
How are you not freaking out?
‐ Well, I wasn't before.
‐ I mean, three times is kind of a lot.
‐ Shit. [applause]
[laughter]
‐ Alright, improv fans!
For our first scene, our prompt is "reasons Jules' mom
has called her three times." Now, to kick us off,
could we get a suggestion from the audience?
‐ Oh! Um, her dad died? ‐ Oh, nice one.
‐ Dead dad. Perfect.
‐ What?! No, no, no! ACTOR: [chewing] Um, hey, honey?
You didn't put peanuts in this, did you? ‐ Yes, and I sure did,
because it's pad Thai, and I love Asian cuisine!
ACTOR 1: Yes, and I know you do,
but I'm allergic! Oh! ‐ [gasps] Oh no!
[gagging] ACTOR 2: Freeze!
[audience laughter]
Oh my chest!
I'm having a massively unexpected heart attack!
‐ Yes, and it's not a heart attack! It's a stroke! It's a stroke.
‐ Jason, she's doing that thing again where she says "yes and,"
but then disagrees with me. ‐ Stay in the scene, Rich.
‐ It throws me off.
‐ Okay, Kelly, get in there. Tag in.
‐ Bang! I just murdered my own husband,
Jules' father, in cold blood.
‐ Oh wow. ‐ What?
‐ Yes, and I'm dead!
I'm dead, and it's Jules' fault for not picking up
the phone in time!
[curtains rattling]
‐ I should probably call my mom.
♪ theme song ♪
[sighs] Please don't let anyone actually be dead.
SHARON [on voicemail]: Hi, Julesy! Don't worry, it's just me.
We finally found a buyer for the house,
so Dad and I need you to come home this weekend
to help pack up your old bedroom.
JULES' DAD [on voicemail]: Honey? A‐are you talking to me?
SHARON: No, Craig, I'm talking to Jules!
CRAIG: You're what?! SHARON: I'm talking to‐‐
Anyway, love you. Bye. [laughs]
MADISON: I think option C is better for brand recognition.
More memorable. STELLA: Okay, cool.
That's what we were thinking, too.
♪ music playing ♪
Jules did these designs, by the way.
‐ Mm, she did a good job. ‐ Yeah.
Izzy and I saw her today.
‐ [sighs] You're being real subtle bringing this up, Stel.
‐ Why don't you just text her? MADISON: Because!
I know she thinks Ruby is shady,
and I think she really is just trying to help.
She's introducing me to her dad this weekend.
‐ You are meeting with a damn music mogul.
I mean, he's been in hot tubs with Rihanna,
he's been thanked in more Grammy speeches than God.
‐ I mean, minus the country music categories, but...
I'm super nervous. I mean, if he likes me,
I think this could lead to me working for a freaking record label.
‐ Well, I'm also meeting a very important dad this weekend, too.
Bruno's.
‐ Uh, I might be in love with your girlfriend's baby daddy.
‐ Well, I wouldn't mind. But, his boyfriend, on the other hand...
‐ Am I the only straight person left in Los Angeles?
‐ Yes. Liv and Lucas met in college,
and Bruno was conceived in a...
"maybe we're bi" moment.
‐ Hm. Maybe I need a moment like that.
‐ No. You are deeply straight.
And I don't mean that as a compliment.
‐ [gasps] Ooh!
This means three more pee stops, but thank you.
‐ Thanks for giving me a ride. ‐ Oh,
it's literally on the way to my parents' house.
[shuts door] So, what is this place again?
‐ Oh, it's like a spa vineyard situation.
You know, it'll kinda be my post‐breakup "eat, pray, love."
Although, realistically for me, more of a...
"sip, soak, cry."
Are you excited to see your parents?
‐ Yeah.
It's a little sad to say goodbye to my childhood home.
All my best psychological damage happened there.
‐ Same. My childhood home was basically like a trauma center.
♪
‐ Wow. It's happening.
My people are talking, having a...
water together.
‐ I mean, I guess we can't have alcohol before going to a kid thing, right?
‐ Uh, you haven't met some of the straight parents.
Lives of very loud desperation.
LIV: Yeah.
I'm gonna go change.
I went too hard on the mom look, right?
‐ Yeah. ‐ Please.
‐ Cool.
[sighs]
‐ Um, Bruno is the coolest kid ever.
Yeah, no, seriously. Kudos to your DNA. [laughs]
‐ We're really lucky. [laughs]
You and Liv, you must be getting really,
really serious.
She's never introduced Bruno to anyone before.
Ever.
♪
‐ I'm really nervous. ‐ Why are you nervous?
It's your dad. ‐ He can be really...
Well, you know how moguls are. [laughs]
He's just hard on me because he was self‐made,
and it's my fault that he was rich when I was born?
‐ [laughs] Well, very smart move by baby you.
‐ [laughs] No, he's gonna love you.
He's been judgmental of my friends in the past
just because they're always in rehab or Spain or whatever,
but you're the real deal.
And it's gonna prove to my dad
that I've been taking my Hillslope job seriously. I've got my shit together.
‐ Cool, so no pressure. [laughs]
DJ [on radio]: Good afternoon, Palo Alto. This is Ricky Riley.
Let's get ready for the weekend.
You're listening to HOT 87.6, playing all the hits from the '80s, '90s,
and, well, yeah. Just from then. ‐ Wow, Jesus.
Ricky Riley's been the DJ at this station since people used fax machines.
RICKY: We're giving out free Sugar Ray tickets to our first three callers.
‐ My god, my mom would always make us call into this station, like, 1,000 times,
trying to win free tickets. We never won.
She said, uh, the only thing she ever won was me.
‐ Aw. Well, you're her baby girl.
‐ Yeah.
When you grow up with someone who tells you you walk on water,
then you get out into the real world, and, uh, you sink...
‐ I was told I was gonna sink, and then I did.
I do feel like mine's similar, but worse.
‐ There was this one concert,
uh, the headliner was the Sorcerer, who I was totally obsessed with.
‐ Oh my god, the guy with the long hair?
‐ I was pretty much in love with him.
My mom really, really wanted me to win that one, but...
I wouldn't even let her call.
I just lied and said I didn't wanna go.
‐ What? Why?
‐ 'Cause I thought there was zero chance of winning, so I didn't wanna play.
‐ Okay, maybe your trauma is worse than mine.
‐ Thank you.
Ooh, we're almost at your wine spa.
♪
♪ angelic music ♪
‐ Wow. This place is... [laughs]
Can I have my ashes spread here?
[laughs] Not today, but, um...
Uh, the reservation is under...
Alison.
ALISON J: Cutie pie!
Ah!
Yay, yay, yay!
♪ foreboding music ♪
My god, how are you? [laughs]
♪
[Craig laughing] ‐ She's here!
[laughing] ‐ Dad,
it's not 1996. Why are you filming me with a camcorder?
‐ I found it packing up the basement.
Your mother said it wouldn't still work, but I futzed with it.
‐ Yeah, it wasn't meant to be a challenge, Craig.
Honey, go outside to the car and get Jules' bag.
CRAIG: You talking to me?
‐ It's gonna be quite the experience when you and dad live in an apartment,
and you'll always be able to hear each other, huh?
‐ [laughs] You're funny.
‐ [sighs] Nothing like coming home to be confronted
with your future in memoriam slide show.
‐ Yeah, I told your father to pack those at the end,
so that we could look at you to the last possible minute.
‐ [sighs] You look great, Mom.
‐ Ugh, I look terrible. You look great.
You are gorgeous.
‐ Wait, are you throwing out all of your pottery?
‐ Who would want anything I made?
Who I do wanna talk about is you,
my beautiful grown girl,
living that fabulous LA life.
‐ Oh god, it's not that fabulous, Mom. ‐ Come on.
Your big promotion? I just saw your, um,
I saw your boss on Kelly Ripa.
Not a pore between the two of them.
‐ Yeah, Celeste is pretty pretty.
But, I'm, uh, I'm not sure Woöm is the best for me anymore, actually.
‐ Something's wrong.
What's wrong?
Uh, it's actually not about work.
Madison and I are in a...
in a weird thing. She's...
been hanging out with this other girl a lot.
‐ [scoffs] Come on!
What does this other girl have that you don't have?
‐ Mm, uh, let's see. A literal billion dollars?
‐ Trust me. Madison knows
that there is not a friend in the world that's better than you.
No contest. Just break the ice,
text her. She'll be so happy to hear from you.
‐ Alright, fine.
[typing]
[sends text]
[laughs] [restaurant chatter]
‐ Oh, he's coming.
Put your phone away. He always gives me shit about that.
ANDRE: Sorry I'm late.
Ed Sheeran is driving me insane.
‐ [laughs] Uh, Dad, this is my friend Madison Maxwell,
publicist extraordinaire.
‐ It is such an honor to meet you.
‐ Okay, I'm not the Dalai Lama.
Close. [laughs]
Oh shit, Pink is here.
Let me go kiss her ass for one minute.
‐ You can sit down now. ‐ Oh.
♪
‐ So, I've already gotten you started
at sorting your things out, kind of separating...
Oh, this I almost forgot.
‐ Oh god, Mom, with all due respect,
I don't think my baby teeth need to make the move to your condo.
[phone buzzing]
‐ What's wrong now?
‐ Nothing. Nothing. Um...
You know what? I'm just gonna throw all this out. Do you have trash bags‐‐
‐ Oh no, no, no! No, y‐‐
You can't toss this out. This is special.
‐ Why? You're throwing out all the pottery you made.
‐ [scoffs] That's just me. It's...
That's different.
‐ Mom, it's not different. This isn't special.
This is garbage! [rattling]
‐ [scoffs] You... Whoa...
That's real nice.
‐ [sighs] God...
ALISON J: Well,
let me just say on behalf
of both the Alisons and myself,
we are thrilled you're considering our offer. It's thrilling.
‐ Well, I would say I'm, um, considering considering it.
[laughs] It's not yet fully considered,
but, uh, thank you for saying the word thrilling.
‐ Well, we are very serious about you joining our team, Izzy.
That is why we are wining and whining you.
‐ Um, that's thrilling. [nervous laugh]
But, um, I just‐‐ I don't know if I'm quite ready to leave Woöm
just yet. ‐ Yeah.
I mean, do you think Celeste would ever give you a weekend like this?
‐ Uh... ALISON: Well,
we are expanding into a rosé brand.
And as head of branded, I'm spearheading the entire process.
Yeah. Alison B was actually supposed to be here with me,
but, sleepy little angel, she wanted you
to have her entire comped deluxe suite.
‐ Wow. Yeah, that's so generous.
It's crazy you can order a massage through the TV.
‐ So cute.
Uh, so which one of these is your favorite?
‐ Oh. Uh,
I would say that one.
It wasn't too sweet, but it was still fruity.
The other ones felt a little bit like I was drinking,
like, an expensive Starburst.
‐ Okay, great. That decides it. This is the one.
‐ Yeah, excuse me!
This is our new signature rosé.
‐ What? ‐ Yes!
Congrats.
[nervous laugh]
[kids shrieking, screaming]
♪
COUNSELOR: Okay, families!
Let's have you guys huddle up for the color war. We'll get you set up.
Here we go, champ! One for your mom, one for your dad.
‐ But, I want Stella to have a shirt, too.
She's part of our team. ‐ Oh,
I‐I really don't need one, bud.
I promise you, I'm good.
‐ I‐I'm sorry, you must be Bruno's stepmom?
‐ Oh, no. I'm, uh, just a girlfriend.
‐ Her girlfriend.
‐ What's up?
‐ Oh.
Can I get another red shirt over here?
It's another throuple.
‐ So, Marilyn, tell me about yourself.
‐ Uh, well, uh, I've been doing PR
for the last five years, and‐‐ ‐ You know,
the last girl Ruby tried to get me to hire on tour
got us permanently banned from The Peninsula in Hong Kong.
‐ [nervous laugh] That was, uh,
mostly a misunderstanding, Dad.
‐ Was it also a misunderstanding
when your coke dealer friend stole Tyler the Creator's Grammy
at our holiday party?
‐ That was a joke. She was gonna give it back.
Tyler thought it was funny.
‐ Tyler's not rude. Back to you.
♪ music playing ♪
You a druggie? ‐ Nope!
But, I do have an addictive personality.
But, it's mostly channeled
into coffee, Soul Cycle, and work. ANDRE: Hm.
You think you can teach my daughter how to get into that?
‐ Dad, I've been working really hard at the label.
I'm in the office every day.
‐ Hard? [laughs]
My assistant said that you expensed
a $4,000 desk chair.
Glad it's getting some use.
‐ Anyway, this is about Madison.
ANDRE: Who?
‐ That'd be me. ‐ Oh, yeah.
Sure, she seems great.
‐ Yep, I'm just, honestly, so excited for the opportunity
to get more involved with the label, and for the tour‐‐
‐ You know, I'm not gonna let you trash my jet again.
You're gonna fly commercial to Australia.
[ringtone playing]
[typing, sends text] Look, I gotta get back to work.
I'm impressed by your drive, Madison.
Maybe you'll rub off on her in Australia.
‐ Uh, thank you. It was so nice meeting you.
‐ [laughs] I know.
♪
‐ The truth is we do make a hot throuple.
‐ Really? I feel like we look like the Wiggles.
‐ The... I'm not sure what the Wiggles are, but they don't sound very hot.
‐ Lucas, do you not watch kids' stuff with him?
‐ Uh, no, but we‐we did
just binge watch Mare of Easttown. ‐ Oh. Love.
‐ Oh... ‐ Oh!
[nervous laugh] That is not a good Liv look.
‐ Yeah, Mario said that she was gonna kill me.
‐ Who's Mario?
‐ Oh, uh, he's my boyfriend.
‐ Oh, no way! Wow. Why didn't you bring him here?
‐ Uh, Lucas doesn't
feel ready to have Mario meet Bruno.
‐ Oh. Hm. BRUNO: Look.
♪
‐ Aw. ‐ Wow.
Oh...
[nervous whimper]
[phone buzzing]
‐ Hey. Look who it is. I thought you were on the road again.
‐ I am. We're just packing up from a show.
I have something really important I need to tell you.
‐ Okay.
‐ I saw the world's largest ball of twine, Jules.
And, uh, that just felt like something you needed to know.
‐ I mean, it was, and I feel incredibly seen right now.
How's the tour? FENDER [on phone]: It's good.
We went through Kansas yesterday.
You know, as someone who's not from this country,
I am really leaning into the whole Americana thing.
Like, I'm wearing a cowboy hat right now.
‐ Oh, I'm holding my own baby teeth.
‐ Uh, way to bury the lead. JULES [on phone]: I, uh,
had to come home to my parents' house and help them pack up.
It's very... a lot.
I‐I'm sure Kansas is more fun though.
‐ Cowboy, take me away.
‐ Ooh, a Chicks fan.
Hey, what about the Sorcerer? Do you remember him?
FENDER: Uh, of course. His shows are legendary.
‐ Yeah. I never made it to one.
‐ Uh, I think we're done packing up, so I gotta get back on the bus, but, um,
I'm really glad I got to say hi.
‐ Yeah, me, too. FENDER: See you, Jules.
[hangs up]
[sighs]
‐ You're still hot.
♪ foreboding music ♪
[crows cawing]
Where in the literal hell...
RICKY [echoing]: Welcome to HOT 87.6,
Jules' own personal hell.
We're playing all of the top hits
from her unspecial life.
♪
[rummaging]
JULES: Mom?
‐ You were right. We gotta get rid of this stuff.
‐ Hey! My mom made that! CAT LADY: Oh,
this we can keep.
"Most unspecial."
[Jules sighs] Here! Take it!
‐ Very funny.
‐ That's what you think of yourself, isn't it?
You can't win!
You don't wanna meet the big rock star.
‐ Meet him? Is he here? ‐ We're in
this freaking hellscape! Look around!
‐ Are we in the poster? ‐ What do you care?
You didn't even wanna go to his concert.
‐ I did! [sighs]
I shouldn't have said that I didn't. I shouldn't...
I shouldn't be so scared.
‐ Of what?
‐ That I'm not special or whatever.
♪
I am.
‐ Yeah.
You are.
[crow cawing]
‐ It's you.
[gasps]
[Ruby sighs]
‐ My dad is such a dick.
‐ I'm so sorry, Ruby.
‐ No matter what I do, he just sees me as a spoiled brat.
I mean, I've been busting my ass at Hillslope for, like, four months now.
‐ Yeah.
Wait. Wait, you've only been there for four months?
What were you doing before?
‐ What are you? On his side?
♪ piano music ♪
You know what? Fuck my dad.
And fuck the label, and fuck Australia. I'm quitting.
‐ Wait, you're not gonna come with us on the tour?
‐ Come with you?
You're my friend.
If I'm not going, you're not going.
‐ Look, of course I'm your friend,
but this is also my career.
You know this is a big opportunity for me. [Ruby scoffs]
‐ Wow! So, there it is.
‐ What? ‐ I thought you were different.
But, you've just been using me like every other
desperate girl who wants to be my friend.
‐ I'm sorry, desperate?
You're the one buying elaborate gifts and inviting me everywhere.
Look, you insisted on helping me because you wanted to.
‐ You should've seen yourself with my dad just now.
Sucking up to him? You were basically flirting.
But I guess I shouldn't be surprised. Rich older guys are your type.
‐ Are you fucking serious right now?
I was trying to impress him because you literally told me to.
‐ Well, I'm literally telling you to go home and forget about the tour
because it's not happening for either of us.
‐ Jules never liked you.
[kids screaming]
‐ Hey. You okay?
‐ Hey.
Yeah. [clears throat]
No.
‐ Is Lucas being weird?
‐ I mean, a little, but it's not Lucas.
He's a good dad.
‐ Okay, well, is it me? ‐ No.
It's my mom.
‐ Your mom?
‐ Before my mom met my stepdad,
she was a revolving door of boyfriends.
You know, and it sucked.
I don't wanna be like those guys that
came into my life, showed up to three of my volleyball games,
and then bailed. You know,
I‐I don't wanna do that to Bruno.
‐ Why are you saying that like you're going somewhere?
‐ I don't know, I mean, you know,
what if I decide to go back to school?
‐ You might go back to school?
‐ We don't know if the bar is gonna be a success or not, so‐‐
‐ Wha‐‐ No, I do! It is!
Why haven't you talked to me about this before, Stella?
‐ Because I am not used to having to talk to anyone else
when I make big life decisions, okay?
I just do it.
I've never had to consider anyone else,
but now, I have two people I have to think about.
And one of them is really tiny
and adorable.
‐ Okay, so... what are you saying?
[sighs]
‐ I don't know...
[inhales]
[exhales]
‐ Hi. ‐ Oh, hey.
‐ I'm sorry for being weird about the teeth in the trash.
You should keep everything that's important to you.
Speaking of, um...
do you think I could have this vase?
I have a place in my house I'd really to put it.
‐ Of course. I mean,
it is an ashtray, but yes, I'd love for you to have it. [laughs]
‐ Thanks, Mom.
Mom, you know I think you're amazing. ‐ Well,
uh, thank you. I think I'm amazing, too. [laughs]
I know I'm special.
I'm special
because I get to be your mom. [laughs]
♪
[laughs]
Thank you.
‐ Dad! What are you doing? Really?
‐ [laughs] Well, uh, thanks for this weekend.
It's given me a weird day hangover,
but a lot to think about.
‐ Ooh! Enough to make a decision?
‐ I'm not sure.
♪
Um, my relationship with Celeste is complicated.
I know she won't notice me the way I want her to, but...
I guess I really do look up to her.
‐ Listen, Izzy,
we didn't wanna have to tell you this, but there's something you should know.
You're being loyal to Celeste,
but she's not being loyal to you.
♪
‐ I'll be there in 30 minutes. Are you a brand new Izzy?
‐ Um, actually, I'm gonna stay one more night. Um...
I'll just fly out tomorrow morning. Th‐they gave me an extra night for free
because, uh, my skin‐contact wine had no skin contact.
‐ Please stop saying skin‐contact.
Okay, well, I'll see you tomorrow. Don't forget it's Monday staff meeting.
‐ Totally. Uh, okay. Uh, drive safe.
‐ Hello. [laughs]
No, no, no, this way, cutie. [laughs]
RICKY [on radio]: Okay, Palo Alto, call in now for your chance to request a song
after our commercial break.
♪ Kars4Kids jingle ♪
[phone ringing]
[ringing]
This is Ricky Riley, and you're on live with HOT 87.6.
‐ Shut up! I really got on? RICKY: Not many people call these days.
Do you have a request for a special someone?
‐ Yeah, I do.
RICKY: And who do we have on the line?
‐ It's just me. Jules Wiley.
♪ Cowboy Take Me Away by The Chicks ♪
RICKY: This one goes out to some guy named Fender.
♪ Cowboy, take me away ♪
♪ Fly this girl as high as you can ♪
♪ Into the wild blue ♪
♪ Set me free ♪
♪ Oh, I pray ♪
♪ Closer to Heaven above ♪
♪ And closer to you ♪
♪ Closer to you ♪
♪ I wanna walk and not run ♪
♪ I wanna skip and not fall ♪
♪ I wanna look at the horizon ♪
♪ And not see a building standing tall ♪
♪ I wanna be the only one ♪
♪ For miles and miles... ♪