[wind howling]
[shutters rattling]
[indistinct chatter]
‐ Jesus Christ, it's windy outside!
ALISON B.: What's this little guy doing here?
‐ Oh, he was all freaked out last night because of all this crazy wind,
so I didn't want to leave him at home.
‐ Aww, are you here to be Woom’s newest intern, Turtle?
‐ Still actually a cat.
‐ Oh. I know.
‐ What’s the big deal with this emergency meeting on a Sunday anyway?
That e‐mail from Celeste seemed intense.
‐ Maybe it's a good emergency.
Like, maybe she has emergency empowerment gifts to give us
in honor of the Women's March.
♪
‐ Or not.
‐ I called you all here
because a pair of shoes were found upstairs in my beach house this morning.
[mouthing silently]
CELESTE: And seeing as they’re not mine,
and they're certainly not my husband's,
the only explanation must be
that one of you girls left them there after the retreat.
So...
Anyone? ‐ [no audio]
‐ Jules, do you have something to say?
‐ Yeah, actually, um...
I was just saying those shoes are... mine!
They're mine.
‐ These are yours?
‐ Yep. I brought them to the retreat,
because they're my, uh, post‐yoga comfy shoes.
‐ Well, if they're yours, then why don’t you try them on?
‐ Right now? ‐ Mm‐hmm.
‐ Okay.
I'll just...
Ooh, yeah.
Oh. Ooh.
There it is. See?
Natural fit.
‐ If you know who those shoes belong to, I really need you to tell me.
‐ I actually have to get going,
because I'm actually headed to the, uh, Women's March.
So...
‐ The Women's March is such an important event.
It's all about solidarity among women.
About loyalty.
‐ Yeah. Loyalty to your girlfriends is important.
‐ Yes. But today, this is about loyalty in the greater sense.
Loyalty to the code that we, as women, must follow
in order to stick together and not let men come between us,
to undermine us. This is about being a feminist.
Do you think you're a feminist, Jules?
‐ Yeah, I mean, I... I, uh... do my best, you know?
I would say I'm definitely, uh, femin‐ish.
[chuckles] Anyway, I really have to get going,
because I'm having some really explosive...
...menstruation.
Which is, you know, it's less gross than diarrhea,
but it's still... extremely valid, so...
[Turtle meows]
♪
[quiet chatter]
[wind blowing, leaves rustling]
‐ Ahhh! [grunting]
‐ [female cyclist screams] MALE CYCLIST: Look out!
♪
‐ Turtle‐‐
I don't think we're in Downtown L. A. anymore.
Wait. Main and First? This is Downtown.
No sense of direction over here.
♪
‐ My God, she’s the tallest lady I’ve ever seen!
‐ What are all you small children doing here?
‐ We’re on a field trip from the Lollipop Lullaby Los Angeles
Academy for Early Childhood Development.
‐ You're on a field trip to the Women’s March?
‐ L. A. private elementary schools can be very progressive.
‐ [women chanting nearby] ‐ Okay, kids, just go along.
Milo, Axel, Luna, whatever the hell else they’re naming kids these days.
Go! Go! Line up!
[sighs]
Aww, why the long face?
‐ Well, I took these shoes to cover for Madison.
but apparently trying to be a good friend makes me a bad feminist.
Can you believe that?
‐ Well, I’m a woman with a cat head in a giant pink ball gown.
I can believe a lot of things.
‐ Being a feminist means I’m supposed to be supportive of all women, right?
But there’s no way for me to do that when supporting one means hurting another.
‐ I might know someone who can help you with that.
‐ If it’s one of those kids, I’m not taking advice from a child.
‐ I’m talking about the Speaker.
‐ The speaker at the March?
‐ Yes, Sylvia Goldwyn,
the most famous feminist icon of the last 50 years.
‐ Ooh, wow! ‐ [Cat Lady chuckles]
3:00 PM in front of City Hall. It's a bit of a schlep to get down there.
‐ Well, I'm desperate.
So, if you think she knows the right feminist thing
for me to do in this situation,
then I have to go see her.
The stage is right by City Hall, you said? ‐ Yes.
All you have to do is follow that double yellow line.
Follow the line all the way to the Speaker and the answer will be clear.
‐ Well, I hope you’re right. I'm gonna get going.
Thanks for all you help.
Uh, this one here in the center of the road?
CAT LADY: Yep. Yep.
‐ In the‐‐? Okay, thank you.
God, she couldn't have left sneakers at his house?
Better not be her sex shoes.
[protesters chanting]
♪
‐ Follow the double yellow line? Now which way do we go?
STELLA: I think to the left looks good. ‐ Stella?
‐ But then again we can probably get to the main stage on the right too.
‐ What are you doing up there? ‐ My phone had no service.
So, I came up here to see if I could spot you guys in the crowd, and I got stuck.
A little help? ‐ Uh, it's just caught on your strap.
‐ Oh.
Ugh, thank you. These were really starting to ride up my ass.
JULES: God, I'm so glad I found you.
Madison and I got in this huge intense fight after you passed out last night.
‐ Fuck, really? Was it my fault? Did I puke on anyone?
‐ No, nobody... not counting yourself. ‐ God, I'm so hungover.
Wait. Why were you guys fighting then?
‐ Um, I found out Colin is married.
Like, still married... to Celeste.
‐ Jesus Christ, men are the fucking worst. ‐ Preach, girl!
‐ Well, she completely flipped out on me after I told her.
And then all this crazy other stuff came up between us and it got really ugly.
‐ Well, whatever you do, don’t come to me for advice.
Because if I learned anything this weekend,
it’s that I’m a lot more dumb than I thought I was.
‐ Oh, Stella, come on.
‐ No, just everyone sees me as this cute, fun girl,
and, you know, I wanted to prove that I was smart too.
Guess what, I'm not.
Maybe this whole thing is bullshit,
and I just need to accept that I don’t get to be both.
‐ Stella, I hate hearing you like this.
You need to come with me to see the Speaker.
The main guest at the March is supposed to be
this epic feminist thinker with all this wisdom.
And if she can help me, I bet she can help you too.
‐ Well, I guess I did come all the way down here.
Hey, did I have camel toe in these when I was standing up there?
‐ No. No, you're‐‐ yeah. ‐ You sure?
JULES: Maybe. I mean, yeah, do that. STELLA: A little bit, right? A little bit.
Madison just dropped me a pin to her location so we can find her.
Are you gonna be okay to see her?
‐ I'm more worried about what she’s gonna do when she sees me.
But, yeah, I have to talk to her.
[phone vibrating]
Oh, crap. It's Celeste calling.
She found these shoes of Madison's at her beach house,
and I said they were mine to cover for her.
But Celeste totally knows I'm lying, and now she thinks I'm a bad feminist.
‐ Just tell Madison to come clean with Celeste.
And fuck Colin. I men, let him deal with the fallout.
‐ No, trust me, I can’t call Madison out the way that you can.
It’s different with us, you know. There’s too much history.
‐ Well, isn’t the whole bad feminist thing
a little ironic coming from Celeste anyway?
‐ What do you mean? She’s the CEO of a company all about women’s empowerment.
‐ Sure, women’s empowerment by the purchasing of insanely expensive products
to keep them from looking old.
‐ Fair point. ‐ Oh. There's Mads.
♪
‐ Oil! I need face oil!
These winds are making my face so dry. I can feel myself actively aging today.
STELLA: Uh, that's actually Jules'.
‐ Oh.
‐ Look, Madison, I know you’re upset, but we have to talk about Celeste.
‐ No, we really don't.
‐ She knows something’s up with Colin, and I have to give her an answer.
‐ No, the answer is that she’s lying.
She’s lying about the fact that she and Colin are getting a divorce,
because she's just a bitter, evil, wicked, old bi‐‐
‐ Yo! It's Women’s March, okay? Let's maybe not use that word today.
‐ You think I got played by some guy and I need to stand around crying about it‐‐
which didn't happen.
‐ Well, even if it is what happened, it doesn’t mean it’s your fault.
‐ Women who fall for that kind of stuff are pathetic,
and I refuse to be one of them.
I'm sorry if that makes me sound heartless.
‐ Well, Celeste found your shoes at the beach house‐‐
[smoke blasting]
‐ [coughing] That smells awful! Ugh!
Who knew that L. A. had subways?
‐ Uh, you guys should go. ‐ Um, Stella?
‐ Right. Sorry, uh, bathrooms. Emergency periods... both of us.
‐ Yeah. White pants.
‐ Funny, Jules used that exact same excuse earlier today.
‐ Linked cycles.
You know, I guess we’re all just super close friends.
‐ So, I finally found you, my pretty...
employee... who is also a smart and valued member of the team.
I’ve been encouraged not to give looks‐based positive feedback anymore.
We had a whole HR training thing about it.
‐ Oh, well, um, I’m very sorry I missed your call,
but I was really hoping that maybe we could talk a little later?
‐ Well, Jules,
later I need to have a conversation with my husband about those shoes.
So, if you know who they belong to, I’m asking you to tell me right now.
And if you can’t do that woman‐to‐woman,
we may need to reevaluate if working at Woom really matters to you.
‐ Of course it matters to me!
I mean, Woom isn’t just a job to me, Celeste.
I finally feel at home there.
‐ All right, well, in that case,
why don't we go sit down and we'll talk through it all right now?
‐ Um, you know, I would really love to do that,
but, um, there was a conversation
about Woom doing a piece on the March for the website,
and I just found out that everyone taking pictures is using Ultra HD
when the website can only handle 1080 hi‐res files.
So, as you can imagine, I have to stay on top of it,
or we could have a down‐res situation on our hands.
‐ Well, that sounds bad.
‐ Yeah, we're talking pixelation, shimmer, degraded images.
And I don’t think a day like today should be about degrading anything.
You know what I mean? CELESTE: No.
Yeah, uh, Jules‐‐ ‐ I'm gonna get back to it, boss.
‐ Well, I will catch up with you, Jules, and your little cat too!
I know he was in the office today, and Woom is a pet‐free workplace!
♪
‐ Here you guys are! What’s going on?
‐ We’ve all been waiting to pee for half an hour!
Some freakshow locked herself in there, and this is the only bathroom for blocks!
Hurry up, already!
IZZY: You don’t know me! I might have irritable bowel syndrome!
‐ Wait. Izzy, is that you?
‐ [hyperventilating] I'm having a pan‐‐ a panic attack.
‐ It's okay, Iz. Just exit the rental toilet.
‐ I can't! I can't come out there!
I can't face everyone! I can't!
Wait. Have you guys been together this whole time?
Are you taking pictures without me?
Can we get one with me in it? I need to be in one, quick.
‐ [camera snapping] IZZY: Cute.
‐ Okay, what is going? Why are you freaking out?
‐ I was alone!
Jules ran out of the meeting so quickly this morning
that I had to come down here by myself.
And I couldn't find any of you guys.
And there were these insane counter‐protesters screaming at me.
‐ Were they sexists? ‐ And bigots?
‐ And Nazis! ‐ Oh my!
‐ It’s awful. It’s like I can’t survive
without the 24/7 camaraderie of a clique.
I'm realizing I went from my high school besties
to my sorority to the Alisons to you guys.
What kind of feminist doesn't have enough confidence to be on their own?
Destiny's Child’s seminal anthem is called Independent Woman,
not "Codependent Freak."
‐ Izzy, look, I think you should come with me to hear the Speaker at the March.
Madison, I think you should come too.
We’re running out of time before I have to talk to Celeste,
and I don’t want to betray you.
I really think the Speaker could get through to you in a way that I can't.
‐ You think I care at all what you say to Celeste?
Look, I’m not the other woman in this. She is.
If you want to believe your boss over me, go ahead.
‐ At least I got this picture of us protesting while we were all together.
‐ I need you girls to bring me Jules Wiley.
‐ On it. Do you want her alive?
‐ What? Of course alive!
Alison, did you have a martini?
Just because I’m having one doesn’t make it okay for you to have one.
‐ She gets really intense when she drinks.
♪
JULES: Aww, hi!
PROTESTERS: [chanting] My body, my voice, my country, my choice.
‐ It must be for the March.
‐ It's Celeste. She's trying to send me a message.
We have to keep moving and get to the Speaker before she finds me.
FEMALE EMCEE: She's our voice! She's our inspiration!
Are you ready to meet the woman who has spent her life fighting for our rights?
[crowd cheering]
‐ Hey, let's try and get closer. Come on.
[cheering continues]
♪
‐ Jules, Celeste would totally love to grab a non‐optional word with you.
‐ Super non‐optional.
♪
CELESTE: Jules‐‐
how nice of you to make time for another moment with your dear old boss.
‐ Celeste, look, I'm sorry.
I swear I was just trying to do the right thing.
I really didn't mean to make you angry.
‐ Oh, I'm not angry. I'm just concerned.
This rebellious behavior is just so out of character.
I figured maybe you're just in an emotional spiral from your break‐up.
‐ My break‐up?
‐ The one you told me about at the retreat.
From Ramona Hess's brother, Jeremy?
I just thought, if I can’t get through to you woman‐to‐woman,
then maybe you can just talk to him.
‐ [staticky] Jules? Jules are you there?
‐ Jeremy, can you hear me? ‐ Is everything all right, Juju?
Your boss said you've been acting strange all week.
I've been thinking about you.
Are you there, Jules? ‐ Yes, I'm here!
‐ Jules? ‐ Jeremy!
‐ So, Jules, how are you feeling?
Are you ready to talk now?
‐ [door opening] ‐ Jules!
‐ Izzy, is that you?
Interrupt this meeting and you will be fired.
Fired! ‐ Celeste, no!
[tablet fizzling]
‐ It's melting! It's melting!
I had, like, three seasons of The Good Wife downloaded on here
and I fly to New York tomorrow! Noooooo!
No! my life is ruined!
♪
‐ You didn't leave.
‐ Stella told me what you did with the shoes.
I figured if you're willing to lose your job for me,
the least I could do is hear out what this Speaker of yours had to say.
But we missed it. It's over.
‐ What are we gonna do now? ‐ There's nothing we can do. We failed.
‐ [meows] ‐ Turtle, no! Come here!
♪
‐ Awww.
‐ Wait. Are you... her? Sylvia?
‐ Why, yes! I am me.
‐ Man, that feels so much better!
‐ Were you wearing fake eyelashes? SYLVIA: Uh‐huh.
‐ And sticky boobs? ‐ Mm‐hmm.
‐ But why do you care what you look like? Aren't you some brilliant feminist?
‐ Looking good doesn't mean I'm any less of a feminist than you are, sweetheart.
It just means I wake up earlier to be one.
‐ Um, we came all the way down here to see you, Ms. Goldwyn,
but we missed your speech. ‐ Awww.
‐ Sylvia, you have a dinner with Senator Feinstein in 15.
‐ I'm coming!
Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.
‐ Well, we're all just sort of desperate to hear you speak and get some guidance.
‐ Guidance? I think I need an example of what you're looking for.
‐ Like, a feminist is supposed to be supportive of all women.
‐ Or a feminist is supposed to be valued on her brains, and not her looks.
‐ A feminist is supposed to be above feeling heartbroken over a guy.
‐ A feminist is supposed to be strong enough to get by on her own.
‐ Okay, okay, I’m going to stop you guys right there with your "supposed to’s."
I’m sorry to disappoint you if you were expecting some magic answer from me,
but I'm just a woman and feminist is just a word.
It doesn’t have one neat definition like that.
‐ So, that's... it?
‐ What?
You guys want some buttons? Okay.
For you, "Beauty and Brains."
‐ Fuck business school. Hot girls are smart too.
I mean, Karlie Kloss is a coder. ‐ [both laughing]
‐ And for you with vulnerability issues, "Big Girls Do Cry."
‐ I mean, I'm not crying.
But my mascara is waterproof if I want to later or something.
‐ And for Ms. Queen of Confidence, "I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar."
‐ Oh, my God. I want to put this directly on my skin.
‐ That's very weird. Don't do that.
JULES: What about me?
What am I supposed to do about this impossible situation I’m trapped in
between my boss and my best friend.
‐ Oh, I think you knew how to deal with it all along.
‐ How?
‐ Oh, shoot, that only works if the person actually knows.
Well, I wish you the best of luck.
♪
‐ Think I could make a run for it in these heels?
‐ No! Look, go save your job.
Whatever you have to do, this isn’t your fault.
‐ Well it’s not yours either, you know that, right?
‐ I know. It's not hers either.
‐ Celeste, I know I've been dodging you all day
because I didn't know what the right thing to do was.
But if you want the truth about theses shoes, I should tell you that‐‐
‐ Jules, don't.
Cornering you then hurling my broken tablet
and then hitting a very drunk Alison B. in the face
made me realize‐‐ ‐ Wait, is she okay?
‐ Oh, she's fine. But it made me realize that
I shouldn’t have gotten all you girls in the middle of my marital problems.
They're not for you to deal with.
‐ Well, I’m sorry if I made you feel like the villain in all of this today.
You're not the bad guy here.
‐ I appreciate that.
I mean, redeeming the witch
is more of a Wicked thing than a Wizard of Oz but‐‐ still.
It's fine.
‐ So, I still work for you, then?
‐ I’ll see you for Matcha and Meditation Monday.
‐ Everything work out? ‐ Yes, but we have another big problem.
‐ Oh, God! ‐ What is it?
‐ I'm so hungry! ‐ I'm legitimately starving.
‐ We haven't sat down for, like, eight hours.
‐ You know what to do.
‐ [repeating] There's Postmates at home. There's Postmates at home...
STELLA: [voicemail] Hey J., it’s me.
I woke up hung over and went home to pass out again.
Madison said she’s not feeling well either
so I think we’re just gonna skip the march today.
She sounded kind of weird.
Did I miss anything big in my blackout last night?
Call me when you get this.
IZZY: [voicemail] Hey, Jules, it's Izzy.
Izzy from work who's also your friend.
Sorry, I don't think I've left a voicemail since 2005.
Do people still do this? Your phone is on airplane mode.
Madison and Stella said we're not going to the March anymore.
Anyway, call me if you're still having a baby.
Oh! This is Izzy. Bye.
JEREMY: [voicemail] Hey, Jules, it's me.
I think your phone is off, but, um...
Ramona put me in charge of getting the final head count
for the wedding party bus down to Mexico, so just seeing if you’re bringing a date.
I’m, uh, I’m bringing Melyssa, so I just wanted you to hear that from me.
All right, I'll see you this weekend.
♪ Darlin' I'm just trying to tell ya ♪
♪ That there's always been a rainbow ♪
♪ Hanging over your head ♪
♪ If you could see what I see ♪
♪ You'd be blinded by the colors ♪
♪ Yellow, red, orange, and green ♪
♪ And at least a million others ♪
♪ So tie up the bow, take off your coat ♪
♪ And take a look around ♪
♪ 'Cause the sky is finally open ♪
♪ The rain and wind stopped blowing ♪
♪ But you're stuck out in the same old storm again ♪