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♪
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‐ Hi. Picking up for Jules?
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CASHIER:
Jules.
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I’ve got a single chicken kebab plate,
single salad, and a single slice of pie.
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How many utensils would you like?
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‐ Um, two sets please.
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‐ You don't have to do that for me.
HOSTESS: Jeremy! Party of two!
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♪ dramatic music playing ♪
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Right this way, Mr. and Mrs. Jeremy.
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[restaurant rumbling]
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DINER:
Should we get on the floor?
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‐ Whoa! That was insane!
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‐ Yeah, little earthquake.
That’s L. A. for ya.
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‐ Mmm.
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[bell ringing]
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A.D.: Quiet on the set!
‐ I gotta get you mic'd up!
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You're on in 20 seconds!
‐ On? What am I on?
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‐ They told you this piece is live, right?
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‐ [news theme playing]
‐ The big one is coming.
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Scientists say
it's a matter of when not if.
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That's right, it's a virtual certainty
that, at some point,
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Jules will run into her ex
with another girl.
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We're joined by Dr. Jeffrey Mandlebaum,
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the chairman of the Running Into Your Ex
department at Johns Hopkins University.
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Dr. Mandlebaum, thanks for being here.
You say the remarkable thing is, actually,
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that Jules hasn't run into Jeremy
on a date yet.
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‐ Well, the key issues
are Jeremy's increasing Bumble use
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coupled with the terrifying proximity
of his home to Jules',
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not to mention the radius
of their typical movements.
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Now, the main danger zone extends
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all the way up to
that Italian restaurant they both like
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to the coffee shop
with the extremely tatted‐up barista.
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But we can’t rule out run‐ins
over an even larger radius,
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perhaps even as far as that unbelievably
cute little bar on Third Street
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and the movie theater that serves wine.
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‐ And Congress has done nothing
to address this?
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‐ That's unfortunately true.
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But the scarier thing is what people
aren’t doing for themselves.
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Surveys show that more than 80%
of recently broken‐up‐with people
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don't have a plan for the big one.
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‐ And now in an exclusive interview,
we have Jules Wiley herself.
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Jules, what have you done
to prepare for the big one?
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‐ Um, I'm just kinda hoping
I can avoid it.
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‐ This is typical of the nonsense that
I hear from uninformed exes every day.
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Makes me question
why I even became a scientist.
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‐ Hey, I could be the one on the date.
You don’t know.
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‐ There you have it.
The kind of insane delusional thinking
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that is, to me, a searing indictment
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of the state of Jules’ preparation
for the big one
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and perhaps of her very right to exist.
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Our story when we come back:
is sexting getting hotter?
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And if so, is the cause man‐made?
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♪
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‐ You're each a rare
and special gem in my life.
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So if any one of you
die in a natural disaster
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because you were unprepared,
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I will literally find a way to revive you
and then kill you.
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‐ Oh. Ha. That was very sweet almost.
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‐ All right, everyone take notes.
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You are only allowed to die
when Madison gives you permission to.
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‐ Okay, that minor earthquake could be
an indication that a bigger one is coming.
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Having a well‐packed earthquake kit
is the only thing that can save you,
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which is why I need to make sure
all of yours are up to code.
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Izzy?
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‐ Okay.
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‐ Izzy, you're supposed to pack
non‐perishable food.
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‐ I thought in an emergency you want to
save foods that could perish.
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‐ False.
Jules?
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This isn't a kit.
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It’s the items they provide for you
at a woman’s prison.
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‐ For free?
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‐ Literally, what would
any of you do without me?
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Stella?
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‐ Uh, yeah, so I was gonna make one,
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but then I decided
I really didn’t want to.
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‐ I always love you,
but sometimes I don't like you.
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‐ Madison, you’re stressing about
something you have no control over.
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Look, I never worry about stuff,
and somehow it always works out.
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‐ How am I supposed
to go to sleep at night
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knowing one of my best friends
is out there completely unprepared?
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‐ Wine and Ambien.
They work best in combination.
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‐ Okay, you all failed
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and are now crawling around
a post‐earthquake mayhem,
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offering hand jobs for stale candy bars.
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This is how it's done.
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Paleo canned food items.
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Miniatures of my entire skin care routine.
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Nine vacuum‐sealed outfits ranging
from casual chic to black‐tie optional.
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A female‐centric first‐aid kit
where everything is scented.
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And‐‐ some may say this is overkill‐‐
a flashlight.
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‐ Um, why would you need formal‐wear
after an earthquake?
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‐ If Brad Pitt comes
to rebuild your house,
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what will you be wearing?
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Uh, Madison, why do you have
my passport I lost four years ago
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when I was supposed to go base‐jumping
in Bhutan with Jaden Smith?
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‐ Oh, gosh, I don’t know!
How did that get in there?
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Anyway, how cute is this little jar?
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I just I love it when they take
normal‐sized things
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and make them smaller.
Don't you love that?
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‐ Madison, stop trying to distract me.
I’m not four years old.
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‐ Of course you’re not!
Anyway, that is my kit.
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‐ I missed going on that trip
because I couldn’t find my passport.
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Why did you take it?
‐ Ugh. Fine.
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You know how you said things
always “somehow” work out for you?
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Meet Somehow.
It's me.
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Behind the scenes, pulling the strings,
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making sure all my precious little dolls
stay in mint condition.
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‐ Well, I’m gonna draw the line
at precious dolls.
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‐ I’d just like to point out
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that someone’s being weirder
than I am right now.
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‐ Whatever. Look, I intervene
to keep you safe from time to time.
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‐ Time to time?
When else have you done this?
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Madison, tell me
when else you’ve done this,
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or the La Mer's gonna get it.
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‐ You wouldn't!
It’s a mini and it’s still $300 a jar!
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‐ Just tell her! Just tell her!
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‐ All right! All right.
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I took the Dan Hackett glove.
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‐ Okay, shut your mouth
and start talking.
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MADISON:
Here. Happy?
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‐ Okay, what's going on with this glove?
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‐ Look, I can explain‐‐
‐ I find people talking about
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stories I’m not a part of
to be very triggering of middle school.
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‐ You're literally going
to find out this second.
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‐ So, we went on this ski trip last year
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and got stuck on this chair lift
with this guy Stella thought was nice.
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But we didn’t have our phones,
so he wrote his number on Stella’s glove.
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‐ Which I thought I lost.
But if the glove fits...
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‐ I just had a teeny tiny nagging feeling
that the guy was 100% a sociopath.
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‐ He was unbelievably sweet.
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‐ You just have to trust me on this.
‐ No. I don't trust you on this.
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You don't make my decisions for me.
Okay? I am a grown woman.
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And my decisions will be made
solely by the universe.
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In fact, I'm gonna call him right now
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and invite him to pregame with us
before Santa‐Con tomorrow.
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‐ At my home?!
Oh, you are not!
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‐ Too late.
It's already ringing.
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‐ So, are we, like,
married to the Santa‐Con plan?
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Because that’s Jeremy’s absolute favorite
Christmas‐themed bar crawl,
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and I really don’t want to run into him.
I mean, what if he’s there with a girl?
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‐ We’re going.
Look, this is a class‐A Gram‐able event,
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and the only girls at Santa‐Con
you need to worry about are in this room.
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I mean, and if you do run into Jeremy,
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it’ll be under
the best possible circumstances‐‐
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surrounded by your best friends,
lookin' like sexy Santas.
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Look, we will protect you.
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‐ For some reason that room‐temp
supermarket sushi isn’t sitting right.
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♪ holiday music playing ♪
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[sighs]
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♪ Jingle bell, jingle bell,
jingle bell rock ♪
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‐ Kitchen! Get in here!
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Pretty good, right?
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‐ Did you start drinking
before we got here?
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‐ Maybe.
Wow, Izzy!
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You look...
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...specific.
‐ I'm Hanukkah Harry.
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That guy writing his number on the glove
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inspired me to write my number on challah
so I can do this.
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Challah at ya girl.
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‐ So, Stell, I see you came to your senses
and decided not to invite Dan.
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‐ On the contrary, Dan’s on his way over,
and my senses are nowhere to be found.
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‐ You know what?
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This is gonna be
a fun learning experience.
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We can both learn what happens
when I don’t step in to protect you.
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I'm gonna propose a deal.
‐ Hmm. I'm listening.
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‐ If at the end of the night
you don’t agree with me
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that Dan is a full psycho
who should have been avoided,
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I will never intervene in your life again.
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But if I'm right,
you have to make an earthquake kit.
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‐ Fine.
And in the case
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that you're actually the full‐blown psycho
and Dan's a sweet guy,
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what unbiased judge
are we gonna have make that call?
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‐ My grandma was sorority sisters
with Ruth Bader Ginsburg,
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so in terms of being a judge,
it’s, like, in my blood.
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[doorbell rings]
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‐ Hi!
‐ Oh, wow! Hi, Stella!
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You look amazing!
‐ Thank you. Come on in.
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‐ I was gonna bring you flowers,
but on the way over I met a homeless lady
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who seemed like she was having a bad day.
STELLA: Oh, how sweet.
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‐ It looks like I didn't get
the "dress like Santa" memo. [chuckles]
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Oh, Hanukkah Harry!
I love that.
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I'm Dan, by the way.
It's nice to meet you.
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00:09:01,084 --> 00:09:03,378
‐ Shabbat shalom and enchanté.
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00:09:03,378 --> 00:09:05,672
‐ Well, aren't you two
becoming fast friends.
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00:09:05,672 --> 00:09:08,341
Oh, Madison, I'm sure you remember Dan.
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00:09:08,341 --> 00:09:12,053
‐ Yeah. It's good to see you again.
Your place is both awesome and amazing.
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00:09:12,053 --> 00:09:14,431
‐ Oh, I certainly do remember Dan.
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From the acclaimed docudrama
“Creating a Killer,”
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00:09:17,893 --> 00:09:20,937
which investigated the brutal slaying
of nursing student Lucy Gallagher
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on a blind date at Panera Bread.
‐ Wait, what?
191
00:09:23,231 --> 00:09:25,609
‐ Yeah, it's true.
It happened in my home town.
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00:09:25,609 --> 00:09:28,528
They even interviewed me for one episode
as a random witness.
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00:09:28,528 --> 00:09:30,488
I guess it was my 15 minutes of fame.
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00:09:30,488 --> 00:09:32,699
‐ Oh, Dan, you're being modest.
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00:09:32,699 --> 00:09:35,785
I’m sure your new friend Izzy here
would love to know more about the case.
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00:09:35,785 --> 00:09:37,537
Which, to this day, remains unsolved.
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‐ Well, as a non‐partisan listener
of this story,
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00:09:41,583 --> 00:09:43,585
I'd love to know more details, please.
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‐ Oh, we don't have to‐‐
‐ The Bread Bowl Killing.
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00:09:46,046 --> 00:09:49,257
An unidentified suspect
joined Lucy at Panera Bread
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00:09:49,257 --> 00:09:52,594
where they shared a clam chowder
bread bowl that sadly would be her last.
202
00:09:53,470 --> 00:09:56,056
Hours later,
Lucy’s body was found dismembered
203
00:09:56,056 --> 00:09:57,641
in a dumpster behind the restaurant.
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‐ Oh, my God, that's so gross!
They were sharing soup? Ugh!
205
00:10:02,437 --> 00:10:03,897
‐ Police have reason to believe
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00:10:03,897 --> 00:10:06,149
that the mystery man
who ate from that doughy dish
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00:10:06,149 --> 00:10:09,319
is the very killer
who sent her to her grain‐based grave.
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00:10:09,319 --> 00:10:11,863
‐ Madison, that's what this is about?
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You’re seriously implying
that Dan killed someone
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00:10:14,407 --> 00:10:16,243
based off of a murder show
that you binged?
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00:10:16,243 --> 00:10:18,203
DAN: Look, Stella, it's okay.
I understand.
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People get really into
these true crime stories.
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00:10:21,289 --> 00:10:24,042
But since you brought it up,
I actually have celiac disease.
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00:10:24,042 --> 00:10:27,003
So, even the smallest amount of gluten
will make me violently ill.
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00:10:27,003 --> 00:10:30,173
‐ Well, Dan, call me a superfan,
but, uh...
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00:10:30,173 --> 00:10:32,717
If you have celiac disease,
then what was your car doing
217
00:10:32,717 --> 00:10:34,928
outside of a Panera Bread
in the first place?
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00:10:34,928 --> 00:10:36,221
They never explained it on the show.
219
00:10:37,097 --> 00:10:39,307
‐ Oh, well, I was just running errands.
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00:10:39,307 --> 00:10:41,268
You see,
ever since my mom lost her second job,
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00:10:41,268 --> 00:10:43,186
I've had to pick up the slack
around the house
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00:10:43,186 --> 00:10:45,730
and help out with my mee‐moo.
That's my Grandma.
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00:10:45,730 --> 00:10:47,232
‐ Are you a living angel?
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00:10:47,232 --> 00:10:48,817
STELLA:
That's right, Iz.
225
00:10:48,817 --> 00:10:52,195
You could say that Dan embodies
the Christmas spirit and all things good.
226
00:10:52,195 --> 00:10:55,115
I mean, thank goodness
I called him to reconnect.
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00:10:55,115 --> 00:10:56,116
DAN:
I'll cheers to that.
228
00:10:56,116 --> 00:10:57,450
Why don't we have
some of these egg nog shots?
229
00:10:57,450 --> 00:10:58,535
‐ [chuckling]
STELLA: Oh, yeah.
230
00:10:59,202 --> 00:11:00,495
‐ I'm gonna go see where Jules is.
231
00:11:01,580 --> 00:11:03,707
‐ More for us. [laughing]
‐ Yeah!
232
00:11:03,707 --> 00:11:05,709
♪
233
00:11:07,878 --> 00:11:09,504
JULES: Hello?
MADISON: [on phone] Jules?
234
00:11:09,504 --> 00:11:11,423
JULES: Hey.
‐ Where are you?
235
00:11:11,423 --> 00:11:13,550
‐ I’m sorry.
I had to drop off a gift basket
236
00:11:13,550 --> 00:11:16,469
at this silent auction charity thing
at the museum for Woom.
237
00:11:16,469 --> 00:11:18,388
[sighs] You know what?
Now that I think about it,
238
00:11:18,388 --> 00:11:20,682
it’s gonna take me, like,
45 minutes to get to you,
239
00:11:20,682 --> 00:11:23,101
so, maybe I should just
head home after this.
240
00:11:23,101 --> 00:11:25,145
MADISON:
Oh, you are being so crazy!
241
00:11:25,145 --> 00:11:27,689
Look, I need you to help me convince Izzy
to convince Stella
242
00:11:27,689 --> 00:11:29,274
that Stella's date is a murderer.
243
00:11:29,274 --> 00:11:31,610
JULES: I'm sorry.
What were you saying about me being crazy?
244
00:11:31,610 --> 00:11:33,820
‐ Look, I'll explain it all to you
when you get here.
245
00:11:33,820 --> 00:11:36,531
But trust me, you are not going
to run into Jeremy at Santa‐con.
246
00:11:36,531 --> 00:11:40,243
‐ Uh, you're right.
‐ Thanks. Wait, that was too easy. Why?
247
00:11:40,243 --> 00:11:41,995
‐ Because he's here.
248
00:11:41,995 --> 00:11:43,955
[indistinct chatter]
249
00:11:43,955 --> 00:11:45,332
With a girl.
250
00:11:49,002 --> 00:11:52,255
‐ [museum rumbling]
‐ [patrons screaming]
251
00:11:56,301 --> 00:11:58,303
[alarm blaring]
252
00:12:03,975 --> 00:12:05,477
‐ The last thing I just heard Jules say
253
00:12:05,477 --> 00:12:08,146
is that her fuckboy ex‐boyfriend
is on a fucking date at the museum.
254
00:12:08,146 --> 00:12:10,315
We've got to get downtown.
Izzy, call a Lyft!
255
00:12:11,858 --> 00:12:13,485
‐ Are you okay?
‐ Yeah.
256
00:12:13,485 --> 00:12:16,613
‐ First, we get stuck on a ski lift,
and now the earth literally moves.
257
00:12:16,613 --> 00:12:17,989
I must be your bad luck charm.
258
00:12:17,989 --> 00:12:20,784
‐ Oh, I guess she has that in common
with the late Lucy Gallagher,
259
00:12:20,784 --> 00:12:22,869
who was just two credits shy
from getting her nursing degree.
260
00:12:22,869 --> 00:12:25,330
‐ Honestly, Madison,
your memory for this stuff is incredible.
261
00:12:25,330 --> 00:12:29,501
‐ Mmm, Madison's like an elephant
except a lot smaller and easier to harm.
262
00:12:30,210 --> 00:12:33,004
‐ Okay, I got one.
Outside in two minutes. Let's go.
263
00:12:36,258 --> 00:12:38,218
[sirens wailing]
264
00:12:38,218 --> 00:12:39,719
[bells jingling]
265
00:12:41,012 --> 00:12:42,264
‐ Here for Izzy?
266
00:12:43,098 --> 00:12:44,891
‐ Uh, what the fuck is that?
267
00:12:45,767 --> 00:12:48,687
‐ It's a Lyft.
‐ No, Lyfts have doors.
268
00:12:48,687 --> 00:12:50,063
And engines.
269
00:12:50,063 --> 00:12:51,231
And an aux cord.
270
00:12:51,231 --> 00:12:53,441
‐ Well, I'll have you know
this is registered with the app
271
00:12:53,441 --> 00:12:55,318
and technically meets
all the requirements.
272
00:12:55,318 --> 00:12:57,946
But if you want music,
I do carol for tips.
273
00:12:57,946 --> 00:13:00,448
‐ Izzy, cancel this asshole
and get another car.
274
00:13:00,448 --> 00:13:04,077
‐ It says no other cars are available.
‐ Is anyone sober enough to drive?
275
00:13:04,077 --> 00:13:06,413
‐ Looks like the earthquake took out
all the traffic lights or something.
276
00:13:06,413 --> 00:13:07,789
It's bumper‐to‐bumper out there.
277
00:13:07,789 --> 00:13:09,207
‐ Unless, of course,
you don't have a bumper.
278
00:13:09,207 --> 00:13:10,875
‐ [chuckling]
Nice. Good one.
279
00:13:12,794 --> 00:13:14,004
‐ [sighs]
‐ All right.
280
00:13:17,215 --> 00:13:19,467
‐ You guys, we've got to get Jules!
Come on!
281
00:13:23,889 --> 00:13:27,601
‐ Well, Mrs. Claus,
looks like I'm your Christmas miracle.
282
00:13:27,601 --> 00:13:28,810
♪ holiday music playing ♪
283
00:13:28,810 --> 00:13:30,395
‐ This is fun.
‐ [chuckles]
284
00:13:34,941 --> 00:13:37,527
MADISON:
Is this seriously how fast it goes?
285
00:13:37,527 --> 00:13:40,473
[phone line ringing]
286
00:13:40,473 --> 00:13:42,274
♪ I believe in ♪
287
00:13:42,274 --> 00:13:44,075
♪ I believe in ♪
288
00:13:44,075 --> 00:13:45,952
MADISON: [over phone] Jules, talk to me.
What’s happening?
289
00:13:45,952 --> 00:13:47,162
‐ Oh, you know, not much.
290
00:13:47,162 --> 00:13:49,039
My ex‐boyfriend is on a date
291
00:13:49,039 --> 00:13:52,000
with an individual I can only assume
is a Victoria’s Secret Model,
292
00:13:52,000 --> 00:13:53,585
and there was a giant earthquake
293
00:13:53,585 --> 00:13:56,046
that caused the museum
to go into emergency lock‐down.
294
00:13:56,046 --> 00:13:58,632
Also, I'm dressed like a mall Santa.
295
00:13:58,632 --> 00:14:00,133
‐ A mall Santa?
296
00:14:00,133 --> 00:14:02,260
What happened to the costume
I sent you a link for?
297
00:14:02,260 --> 00:14:05,513
Well, I opened the link but then I got
this one instead because it had pockets.
298
00:14:05,513 --> 00:14:07,224
‐ It's a fucking disaster.
299
00:14:07,807 --> 00:14:09,976
Okay, listen to me.
It's not that bad.
300
00:14:09,976 --> 00:14:11,269
We're on our way to you now.
301
00:14:11,269 --> 00:14:13,772
And in the meantime, find a place
to hide, and we'll be there soon.
302
00:14:18,818 --> 00:14:20,695
[various animal sound effects playing]
303
00:14:28,703 --> 00:14:30,580
RECORDED GUIDE:
The male of the species would choose
304
00:14:30,580 --> 00:14:33,250
the most desirable mate for reproduction,
305
00:14:34,251 --> 00:14:38,046
leaving the less desirable females
outside the protection of the tribe.
306
00:14:39,923 --> 00:14:43,552
‐ [lion growling]
‐ [Cave Jules screaming]
307
00:14:47,347 --> 00:14:49,891
MALE VOICE: Where are you going?
FEMALE VOICE: I'm exploring.
308
00:14:51,226 --> 00:14:52,978
MALE VOICE:
Are you trying to get is in trouble?
309
00:14:54,229 --> 00:14:56,147
If you set off an alarm,
I'm running for it.
310
00:14:56,147 --> 00:14:57,440
FEMALE VOICE:
You wouldn't!
311
00:14:58,692 --> 00:15:01,111
MALE: Can you run in those heels?
FEMALE: [giggling] Watch me!
312
00:15:01,111 --> 00:15:02,487
[Jules groans]
313
00:15:05,907 --> 00:15:07,993
‐ Hey, come back here!
‐ Never!
314
00:15:09,703 --> 00:15:11,997
‐ Looks like we’re definitely missing
our dinner reservations.
315
00:15:11,997 --> 00:15:14,916
‐ Well, at least we're getting
a private tour.
316
00:15:16,877 --> 00:15:18,211
JEREMY:
So, what should we do now?
317
00:15:18,211 --> 00:15:19,546
RECORDED GUIDE:
Bone,
318
00:15:19,546 --> 00:15:22,507
the building block
of the vertebrae organism.
319
00:15:22,507 --> 00:15:24,092
‐ Ugh, this can't be happening!
320
00:15:24,092 --> 00:15:26,469
JEREMY: I know. It's crazy, right?
GIRL: What?
321
00:15:27,679 --> 00:15:29,264
GUARD: Hey!
322
00:15:29,264 --> 00:15:32,058
You and your wife need to
get back to the main lobby!
323
00:15:32,058 --> 00:15:33,768
‐ It’s only been a month,
but message received.
324
00:15:33,768 --> 00:15:35,812
‐ Well, you're obviously a great couple,
325
00:15:35,812 --> 00:15:38,231
but we’re rounding everyone up
for a head count.
326
00:15:41,401 --> 00:15:43,403
♪
327
00:15:55,749 --> 00:15:57,751
♪ holiday music playing ♪
328
00:16:03,298 --> 00:16:06,176
♪ It's going to be a happy Christmas Day ♪
329
00:16:06,176 --> 00:16:08,261
‐ I'm sorry, Stella.
I have to give this one to Izzy.
330
00:16:08,261 --> 00:16:10,513
Mariah Carey's
"All I Want For Christmas Is You"
331
00:16:10,513 --> 00:16:11,932
is my number one holiday jam.
332
00:16:11,932 --> 00:16:13,433
‐ Marry him.
333
00:16:13,433 --> 00:16:15,852
‐ Madison, I'm sure
this must be hard for you.
334
00:16:15,852 --> 00:16:17,479
But just think of it this way:
335
00:16:17,479 --> 00:16:19,314
you don't have to get me
a Christmas gift this year.
336
00:16:19,314 --> 00:16:21,775
Because winning this bet
is the only thing I want.
337
00:16:21,775 --> 00:16:25,111
‐ Oh, look what I have here!
‐ [gasps] Is it the Mariah video?
338
00:16:25,111 --> 00:16:27,280
‐ No, actually.
It’s a list of retailers
339
00:16:27,280 --> 00:16:30,659
in the Panera Bread strip mall
where Dan’s car was mysteriously parked.
340
00:16:30,659 --> 00:16:32,118
You were doing errands, right?
341
00:16:32,869 --> 00:16:37,415
Let's see, there's Sassy Nails,
Stubby's Dog Wash and Groomer,
342
00:16:37,415 --> 00:16:39,334
and Chuck E. Cheese.
343
00:16:39,334 --> 00:16:42,629
‐ Okay, we’re gonna need to make a quick
stop to the nearest mental hospital.
344
00:16:42,629 --> 00:16:45,549
‐ It's okay, Stella.
It was so many years ago.
345
00:16:45,549 --> 00:16:48,343
Nobody can remember what errands they run
a couple of years ago, right?
346
00:16:48,343 --> 00:16:50,595
‐ Well, those are all the stores, Dan.
347
00:16:50,595 --> 00:16:53,223
And I guess I just find it hard to believe
that you don’t remember
348
00:16:53,223 --> 00:16:56,142
getting a pedicure, owning a dog,
or having a child.
349
00:16:56,142 --> 00:16:59,062
Unless, of course, you were lying about
not being at Panera Bread.
350
00:16:59,062 --> 00:17:01,189
I don't know.
What do you think, Izzy?
351
00:17:01,189 --> 00:17:05,652
‐ You do make a lot of strong points.
‐ Izzy, what happened to "marry him"?
352
00:17:05,652 --> 00:17:08,154
‐ Well, nine times out of ten,
it's the husband who did it.
353
00:17:08,154 --> 00:17:09,948
[car horns honking]
354
00:17:10,532 --> 00:17:12,492
[panting]
355
00:17:14,536 --> 00:17:19,082
‐ [groaning]
Not a breathable fabric.
356
00:17:23,837 --> 00:17:26,423
‐ Oh, my God! I look like a mess!
357
00:17:26,423 --> 00:17:28,842
[gasps]
Do I look terrible?
358
00:17:28,842 --> 00:17:32,095
‐ You?
Uh, no, you don't look terrible.
359
00:17:32,095 --> 00:17:34,347
You look upsettingly attractive.
360
00:17:34,347 --> 00:17:36,266
‐ Really? I mean...
361
00:17:36,266 --> 00:17:38,768
I borrowed this dress
from my roommate the last minute.
362
00:17:38,768 --> 00:17:41,855
You know when you just don’t feel good
in what you’re wearing?
363
00:17:42,439 --> 00:17:44,232
‐ Um...
364
00:17:44,232 --> 00:17:46,693
I suppose I can imagine
what that feels like.
365
00:17:46,693 --> 00:17:48,403
‐ You know, I think I’m just nervous,
366
00:17:48,403 --> 00:17:50,030
'cause I'm dating this guy
that I really like
367
00:17:50,030 --> 00:17:52,240
and I got tickets for this thing
through work.
368
00:17:52,240 --> 00:17:54,951
And I was just worried
he was gonna think this was really lame,
369
00:17:54,951 --> 00:17:57,871
but he's been really sweet
about coming to this thing.
370
00:17:57,871 --> 00:17:59,915
And then we get trapped here
because of an earthquake?
371
00:17:59,915 --> 00:18:02,125
I mean, what are the chances?
372
00:18:02,125 --> 00:18:05,212
‐ Astronomically low,
and yet, somehow,
373
00:18:05,212 --> 00:18:07,797
this is the situation
which we find ourselves.
374
00:18:07,797 --> 00:18:10,008
‐ You know, it's just really nice
to be dating a guy
375
00:18:10,008 --> 00:18:12,135
who’s, like, excited to come to a museum
376
00:18:12,135 --> 00:18:15,388
instead of getting drunk in a sports bar
or something, you know?
377
00:18:16,181 --> 00:18:17,432
‐ He was?
378
00:18:17,432 --> 00:18:19,059
[water running]
379
00:18:20,477 --> 00:18:23,438
Yeah, that's... definitely unexpected.
380
00:18:23,438 --> 00:18:26,566
‐ I should go.
I don't want him to think I'm pooping.
381
00:18:26,566 --> 00:18:27,567
Oh.
382
00:18:30,528 --> 00:18:34,199
Thank you... so... much. Ha!
383
00:18:37,035 --> 00:18:39,287
‐ Thank you for visiting the bathroom!
384
00:18:40,080 --> 00:18:41,623
Where I work.
385
00:18:44,668 --> 00:18:48,171
‐ And if you look to your right,
you’ll see LA’s famous La Brea Tar Pits.
386
00:18:48,171 --> 00:18:49,172
‐ Ooh!
387
00:18:49,172 --> 00:18:51,258
‐ [phone ringing]
‐ Oh!
388
00:18:51,258 --> 00:18:53,009
Okay, Jules, what's the situation?
389
00:18:53,009 --> 00:18:55,845
‐ Well, I'm still trapped in this museum,
390
00:18:55,845 --> 00:18:58,515
trapped in an alternate reality
where Jeremy likes museums,
391
00:18:58,515 --> 00:19:02,060
trapped in a layer of polyester
designed for outdoor gift distribution,
392
00:19:02,060 --> 00:19:04,396
not to mention they have
the fucking Sherlock Holmes
393
00:19:04,396 --> 00:19:07,440
of museum security guards
hunting down stragglers.
394
00:19:07,440 --> 00:19:10,443
It’s only a matter of time
before Jeremy sees me like this.
395
00:19:10,443 --> 00:19:12,696
‐ Okay, Jules,
I am not gonna let that happen.
396
00:19:12,696 --> 00:19:14,531
Now, where are you
and what do we have to work with?
397
00:19:15,615 --> 00:19:17,951
♪
398
00:19:19,786 --> 00:19:24,791
‐ Uh, let’s see...
fossil kits, astronaut ice cream,
399
00:19:24,791 --> 00:19:26,877
scissors where the handle
is a dinosaur’s mouth.
400
00:19:26,877 --> 00:19:30,380
‐ Okay, I think I’ve seen enough
"Project Runway" to get you through this.
401
00:19:30,380 --> 00:19:31,840
Now, here’s what you have to do.
402
00:19:31,840 --> 00:19:33,842
RUPAUL:
♪ Stroll down the runway ♪
403
00:19:33,842 --> 00:19:35,719
♪ Another pay day ♪
404
00:19:35,719 --> 00:19:38,305
♪ Cover of magazines ♪
405
00:19:39,472 --> 00:19:41,349
♪ And when they see me ♪
406
00:19:41,349 --> 00:19:43,184
♪ They want to be me ♪
407
00:19:43,184 --> 00:19:45,979
♪ I am a fantasy ♪
408
00:19:46,688 --> 00:19:48,023
♪ Cover girl! ♪
409
00:19:48,023 --> 00:19:50,233
♪ Put the bass in your walk ♪
410
00:19:50,233 --> 00:19:53,570
♪ Head to toe let your whole body talk ♪
411
00:19:54,237 --> 00:19:55,864
♪ Walk ♪
412
00:19:55,864 --> 00:19:57,991
♪ Now walk, uh ♪
413
00:19:57,991 --> 00:19:59,576
♪ Walk ♪
414
00:19:59,576 --> 00:20:01,828
♪ Now walk
And cover girl! ♪
415
00:20:01,828 --> 00:20:04,539
♪ Put the bass in your walk ♪
416
00:20:04,539 --> 00:20:08,209
♪ Head to toe let your whole body talk ♪
417
00:20:08,209 --> 00:20:09,586
♪ Cover girl! ♪
418
00:20:09,586 --> 00:20:12,047
♪ Put the bass in your walk ♪
419
00:20:14,466 --> 00:20:15,592
‐ Jules, hi!
420
00:20:16,259 --> 00:20:18,887
‐ Hey, Jeremy. How's it going?
‐ [crowd gasping]
421
00:20:18,887 --> 00:20:22,557
‐ Miss, you’re being detained
for looting during a museum disaster.
422
00:20:22,557 --> 00:20:25,018
‐ Whoa. What are you doing?
She works here!
423
00:20:26,269 --> 00:20:27,854
‐ Nice to see you again.
424
00:20:29,356 --> 00:20:30,774
MADISON:
Knees up, reindeer.
425
00:20:30,774 --> 00:20:33,276
‐ [panting]
I've gone nine miles!
426
00:20:33,276 --> 00:20:35,320
‐ Nine down and one to go.
427
00:20:35,320 --> 00:20:38,865
‐ If anyone needs provisions,
I’ve got challah to spare.
428
00:20:38,865 --> 00:20:41,910
Don’t worry.
The permanent marker is okay to eat.
429
00:20:41,910 --> 00:20:43,119
‐ Izzy, stop stalling.
430
00:20:43,119 --> 00:20:45,497
It’s time to come down with a verdict
now that you’ve had a chance to review
431
00:20:45,497 --> 00:20:47,415
the unbelievably convincing evidence.
432
00:20:47,415 --> 00:20:49,251
‐ Did you say "verdict"?
‐ Jesus, Madison.
433
00:20:49,251 --> 00:20:52,170
I almost wish he did kill someone
just to get you to shut up.
434
00:20:52,170 --> 00:20:54,339
‐ For the record,
I haven't killed anyone.
435
00:20:54,339 --> 00:20:55,966
MADISON:
Oh, I will happily shut up
436
00:20:55,966 --> 00:20:58,552
when I win the bet and watch you
put together your earthquake kit.
437
00:20:58,552 --> 00:21:00,637
‐ Well you know what?
I won’t even need an earthquake kit
438
00:21:00,637 --> 00:21:02,347
when I move to the East Coast next year.
439
00:21:03,098 --> 00:21:04,140
‐ What the hell are you talking about?
440
00:21:04,140 --> 00:21:06,685
‐ I applied to a bunch of business schools
on the East Coast.
441
00:21:06,685 --> 00:21:08,395
So, if I get in, I'm moving.
442
00:21:08,395 --> 00:21:09,854
‐ Wait, how could you not tell me that?
443
00:21:09,854 --> 00:21:12,315
‐ Because you always try to control
everything I do in my life
444
00:21:12,315 --> 00:21:13,525
because you think I'm an idiot.
445
00:21:13,525 --> 00:21:15,527
Sorry, that’s not the vote
of confidence I needed
446
00:21:15,527 --> 00:21:17,529
when I’m already worried enough
about getting in.
447
00:21:17,529 --> 00:21:18,572
‐ Um, guys?
448
00:21:18,572 --> 00:21:19,781
MADISON:
Of course I don't think you're an idiot.
449
00:21:19,781 --> 00:21:21,366
Look, I think you're amazing.
450
00:21:21,366 --> 00:21:24,077
The reason I intervene is because
if something were to happen to you
451
00:21:24,077 --> 00:21:26,454
that I could have prevented,
I wouldn’t be okay.
452
00:21:26,454 --> 00:21:27,330
‐ Guys!
453
00:21:27,330 --> 00:21:29,249
‐ I know it makes you feel good
to be in control of everything,
454
00:21:29,249 --> 00:21:31,376
but if you just trusted yourself
a little bit more,
455
00:21:31,376 --> 00:21:32,711
you wouldn’t have to worry so much.
456
00:21:32,711 --> 00:21:33,712
‐ Guys!
457
00:21:38,008 --> 00:21:40,510
‐ Uh, Dan? What are you doing?
458
00:21:41,303 --> 00:21:43,889
‐ Well, I just figured this is
a bit of a friendship tiff,
459
00:21:43,889 --> 00:21:47,225
so I'm just gonna give you some space
and let you guys work it out.
460
00:21:47,225 --> 00:21:49,811
‐ I thought you said
you had celiac disease.
461
00:21:49,811 --> 00:21:52,022
‐ And that’s why you couldn’t be
the Bread Bowl Killer.
462
00:21:53,982 --> 00:21:57,360
‐ Stella, come on.
I was just absent‐mindedly having some.
463
00:21:57,360 --> 00:21:59,571
You know, absent‐minded bread.
464
00:21:59,571 --> 00:22:01,573
Seriously, I didn't even realize
I was eating.
465
00:22:03,325 --> 00:22:06,745
You guys are being crazy!
‐ No one is being crazy.
466
00:22:06,745 --> 00:22:08,914
We're all being very calm.
467
00:22:08,914 --> 00:22:10,790
DAN:
Why are you guys acting so scared?
468
00:22:10,790 --> 00:22:12,751
I didn't do anything wrong.
I didn't kill anyone.
469
00:22:12,751 --> 00:22:13,710
I mean, look at me.
470
00:22:13,710 --> 00:22:15,503
Do I look like somebody
who could kill someone?
471
00:22:21,760 --> 00:22:23,678
All right. All right, fine.
472
00:22:23,678 --> 00:22:27,015
Madison, you were right.
I did know where I was that night.
473
00:22:27,015 --> 00:22:28,558
You wanna know the truth? Huh?
474
00:22:28,558 --> 00:22:31,394
You want that confession
you've been angling for all day?
475
00:22:33,563 --> 00:22:34,856
I wasn't there that night.
476
00:22:35,607 --> 00:22:37,359
Because I was masturbating in my car.
477
00:22:39,069 --> 00:22:41,655
‐ I’m sorry, did you just say‐‐
‐ Look, the Panera Bread, right?
478
00:22:41,655 --> 00:22:42,906
You said there was a Chuck E. Cheese.
479
00:22:42,906 --> 00:22:45,951
‐ Dan, don't say anything
you might regret.
480
00:22:45,951 --> 00:22:48,119
‐ I have a very normal fetish.
481
00:22:48,954 --> 00:22:50,580
In fact, there's hundreds of us
in my Reddit group.
482
00:22:50,580 --> 00:22:52,874
‐ Oh, Jesus!
‐ What is happening?
483
00:22:52,874 --> 00:22:55,794
‐ I am sexually attracted
to mascot characters.
484
00:22:56,545 --> 00:22:58,463
There. I said it.
485
00:22:58,463 --> 00:22:59,923
That's my big secret.
486
00:23:00,549 --> 00:23:02,217
So, you see, I couldn't have killed Lucy.
487
00:23:02,217 --> 00:23:05,804
Because I was in my car
parked outside of a Chuck E. Cheese
488
00:23:05,804 --> 00:23:08,056
pleasuring myself to completion.
489
00:23:08,056 --> 00:23:10,475
Feels really good
to share that with you guys.
490
00:23:10,475 --> 00:23:12,102
Thank you for not judging me.
491
00:23:13,812 --> 00:23:16,940
Anyway, I really can’t wait
to meet your friend, Jules. [laughing]
492
00:23:18,191 --> 00:23:20,652
♪
493
00:23:20,652 --> 00:23:22,612
DRIVER: I'm really not supposed to
let you do this.
494
00:23:22,612 --> 00:23:26,157
‐ She's got it.
‐ Soul Cycle. First row, baby!
495
00:23:26,157 --> 00:23:29,077
Time to save our girl.
‐ And tap it back!
496
00:23:33,415 --> 00:23:36,209
DAN: Excuse me, do you know
where the nearest Build‐a‐Bear is?
497
00:23:39,462 --> 00:23:42,841
‐ Ma’am, it's still America in here.
You promised me a phone call.
498
00:23:43,675 --> 00:23:44,676
‐ Just me.
499
00:23:45,802 --> 00:23:46,803
‐ Oh.
500
00:23:53,435 --> 00:23:55,729
‐ Is that a... prison shiv?
501
00:23:55,729 --> 00:23:58,356
‐ This thing is cutting off
the circulation to my wrists, okay?
502
00:23:58,356 --> 00:24:00,901
‐ No, it's...
it's very resourceful.
503
00:24:00,901 --> 00:24:03,737
I just... I feel like I should be
looking around for toilet wine.
504
00:24:04,779 --> 00:24:07,782
‐ I’m sorry, did you come all the way
down here just to make fun of me?
505
00:24:07,782 --> 00:24:09,200
‐ I couldn't resist a captive audience.
506
00:24:09,200 --> 00:24:12,120
‐ Okay. No, no, no, keep going.
This is great.
507
00:24:12,120 --> 00:24:15,957
I mean, running into you on a date
with a supermodel wasn’t bad enough.
508
00:24:19,461 --> 00:24:21,463
‐ Jules, she's not a supermodel.
509
00:24:21,463 --> 00:24:22,631
‐ Aw, she's not?
510
00:24:22,631 --> 00:24:25,467
‐ Well, I mean, she’s a model,
but it’s, like, mostly Instagram stuff.
511
00:24:25,467 --> 00:24:28,595
‐ God, Jeremy.
What are you even doing here?
512
00:24:28,595 --> 00:24:31,598
I thought if I was gonna run into you
it would be at SantaCon.
513
00:24:31,598 --> 00:24:33,516
‐ Was that today? I...
514
00:24:35,852 --> 00:24:38,855
‐ You really wanted to go?
‐ I really, really wanted to go, yeah.
515
00:24:39,689 --> 00:24:42,943
‐ Why are you at a museum charity event?
You hate this kind of thing.
516
00:24:44,027 --> 00:24:46,446
‐ I'm here because of February 3rd.
517
00:24:47,280 --> 00:24:50,533
‐ February 3rd?
‐ Yeah, free museum day. You remember?
518
00:24:51,368 --> 00:24:54,621
You made a huge deal about
how all the museums in L. A. are free
519
00:24:54,621 --> 00:24:56,081
and you really wanted us to go,
520
00:24:56,081 --> 00:25:00,293
but then Cam had people over for beer pong
and we did that instead.
521
00:25:01,920 --> 00:25:05,382
You didn't say anything,
but I could tell you were bummed and...
522
00:25:06,424 --> 00:25:09,511
I always felt guilty about that
so when
523
00:25:09,511 --> 00:25:11,888
Melyssa asked me
to go to this thing, I just...
524
00:25:13,098 --> 00:25:15,058
I don't know, I just thought I should...
525
00:25:16,142 --> 00:25:19,104
try harder than I used to.
‐ Wow.
526
00:25:20,230 --> 00:25:22,566
I didn't realize you felt bad about that.
527
00:25:23,441 --> 00:25:25,318
‐ Wait. Why were you
gonna be at SantaCon?
528
00:25:26,236 --> 00:25:28,572
‐ I guess 'cause of February 3rd.
529
00:25:29,030 --> 00:25:30,323
MADISON:
Wait.
530
00:25:30,323 --> 00:25:33,326
‐ That was the day I shouldn’t have
watched my boyfriend
531
00:25:33,326 --> 00:25:34,703
play beer pong with his friends
532
00:25:34,703 --> 00:25:37,831
and just called my friends
and gone to a museum with them.
533
00:25:37,831 --> 00:25:40,208
‐ She's got this.
‐ Yeah, she does.
534
00:25:40,208 --> 00:25:44,296
‐ Instead, I neglected them
and resented you.
535
00:25:45,547 --> 00:25:48,466
So, that's why SantaCon.
536
00:25:49,634 --> 00:25:52,470
‐ Well, I'm happy for you.
537
00:25:54,681 --> 00:25:55,807
‐ Yeah. Me too.
538
00:25:56,600 --> 00:25:58,810
‐ All right, ma'am.
MADISON: Jules‐‐
539
00:25:58,810 --> 00:26:02,230
Don't say a word.
If you don’t release this woman right now,
540
00:26:02,230 --> 00:26:05,066
you are sitting on the biggest
museum PR disaster
541
00:26:05,066 --> 00:26:08,153
since the Vandermeer Gallery
tried to cover the breasts in a Picasso.
542
00:26:08,153 --> 00:26:13,033
She was bringing gifts
to a charity fundraiser at Christmastime!
543
00:26:13,033 --> 00:26:16,661
This is a war on charity,
a war on giving!
544
00:26:16,661 --> 00:26:20,081
And it’s a Starbucks‐red‐cupping,
happy‐holidays‐saying,
545
00:26:20,081 --> 00:26:23,126
carol‐censoring, Santa‐slaying
war on Christmas!
546
00:26:23,126 --> 00:26:26,504
‐ I also left 40 bucks
on the gift shop counter.
547
00:26:26,504 --> 00:26:29,674
‐ Oh, you did?
Well, that stuff doesn't cost 40 bucks.
548
00:26:29,674 --> 00:26:32,552
You're free to go.
We'll send you your change.
549
00:26:44,022 --> 00:26:45,607
‐ It was good running into you.
550
00:26:45,607 --> 00:26:48,068
♪
551
00:26:50,904 --> 00:26:52,906
♪
552
00:26:58,703 --> 00:27:01,122
‐ Hey, you good?
‐ Yeah, I'm good.
553
00:27:02,207 --> 00:27:06,169
But thank you, guys, for coming to get me
in this, uh, not‐a‐car.
554
00:27:07,087 --> 00:27:09,756
‐ Of course!
‐ Ugh, today has been insane.
555
00:27:09,756 --> 00:27:12,050
But what matters is we survived.
556
00:27:12,050 --> 00:27:16,221
‐ Everyone except for Lucy Gallagher,
may she rest in peace.
557
00:27:16,805 --> 00:27:18,723
‐ Wait. Who?
MADISON: The Bread Bowl Killer.
558
00:27:18,723 --> 00:27:21,518
The brutal slaying of nursing student
Lucy Gallagher at Panera Bread,
559
00:27:21,518 --> 00:27:23,478
which to this day remains unsolved.
560
00:27:23,478 --> 00:27:25,522
An unidentified suspect‐‐
STELLA: Hey, can you stop with that?
561
00:27:25,522 --> 00:27:27,190
MADISON:
Oh, you're just mad because I won.
562
00:27:27,190 --> 00:27:28,608
JULES:
Someone catch me up here.
563
00:27:28,608 --> 00:27:33,196
IZZY: It's really just that classic case
of masturbation vs. murder
564
00:27:33,196 --> 00:27:36,783
when you're trying to decide
if a guy is a good person or not.
565
00:27:36,783 --> 00:27:38,076
♪ Oh ♪
566
00:27:38,076 --> 00:27:40,412
♪ All the little children
and all the big children ♪
567
00:27:40,412 --> 00:27:43,832
♪ It's Christmas (in L. A.) ♪
568
00:27:43,832 --> 00:27:45,834
♪ All the ladies
and all the little babies ♪
569
00:27:45,834 --> 00:27:49,337
♪ They were singing in the round
(in L. A.) ♪
570
00:27:49,337 --> 00:27:51,423
♪ Even the gentlemen,
every single one of them ♪
571
00:27:51,423 --> 00:27:55,844
♪ Christmas (in L. A.) ♪
572
00:28:01,850 --> 00:28:04,436
♪ All the little children
and all the big children ♪
573
00:28:04,436 --> 00:28:07,647
♪ It's Christmas (in L. A.) ♪
574
00:28:07,647 --> 00:28:09,774
♪ All the ladies
and all the little babies ♪
575
00:28:09,774 --> 00:28:10,859
♪ It's Christmas... ♪