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♪ upbeat pop music playing ♪
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‐ [screams]
‐ Hey!
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Whoa! What the fuck are you doing?! Oh!
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‐ I was watching you surf.
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‐ Well, that wasn't me,
I surfed two hours ago.
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I get up much earlier than you do.
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‐ This is the same reason
I hate watching football.
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You can't tell anyone apart!
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COLIN: Ah.
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MADISON:
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
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COLIN: How on earth did you
learn to punch like that?
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MADISON:
Well, earlier this year,
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Stella and I went to this bonfire
where Stella ended up meeting
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her "Ayurvedic soul mate" or whatever.
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But it turned out,
he had a girlfriend who got drunk
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and lit Stella's fashion poncho on fire.
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We brought top‐shelf tequila,
so technically no one should've been upset
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about anything,
but people are irrational.
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Anyhoo, we were like,
that obviously can't ever happen again.
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We need to know how to protect ourselves,
so, we enrolled in a self‐defense class.
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‐ Wait. Which one is Stella again?
‐ Unironically owned a rabbit,
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dated her therapist,
sometimes house‐sits for Macklemore.
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‐ I thought Stella was the, uh, sad girl
who doesn't wash her hair,
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the one with the cat.
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‐ Yeah, no, that's Jules.
‐ Okay, so then Izzy
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is the one who just broke up
with her boyfriend,
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brought a puzzle to a bar.
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‐ No, that's... also Jules.
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‐ I wanna meet them.
‐ What? Wait...
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I thought we had to keep things private
until the divorce finalized?
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‐ Well, that's true,
but I know how you hate it
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that I don't know your friends,
and I wanna meet them.
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You know, if she gets the house,
she gets the house.
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I'm kidding.
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Let's do dinner, all of us.
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I can't imagine you've actually
kept me a secret from them, have you?
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‐ No, I have.
‐ Are you lying?
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‐ I am.
‐ Then let's do dinner!
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All of us. Your place. Come on.
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‐ Oh, God. I mean, oh good!
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Because I...
definitely know how to cook.
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‐ Unless if you think
it's too awkward, you know,
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with the age difference and everything.
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‐ No, no way!
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My friends are crazy mature for their age.
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I mean, I can't remember
a time when we weren't discussing
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our portfolios and deductibles, or 2008.
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‐ Do you think Gordon Gekko
is coming for dinner?
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‐ The lizard in the commercials?
He has a name?
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‐ Never mind. It was...
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‐ Oh, right, from the...
‐ I was just kidding.
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‐ Obviously. [laughs]
‐ Yeah.
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‐ This is gonna be great. [laughs]
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[whispering]: Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,
fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck...
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♪ pop instrumental playing ♪
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[sighs]
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[cat mews]
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‐ It wasn't me.
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[cat purring]
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JULES:
Again, Turtle? [groans]
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God, and I'm hosting Ramona's
bachelorette party today.
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I don't need this.
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[Turtle mews]
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Don't give me that look,
I don't feel bad for you.
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Just because you miss Jeremy's dog
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doesn't mean you can just
fly off the handle.
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Get your emotions under control!
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‐ [meows]
CAT LADY: If I may,
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you two are in a destructive
cycle of conflict.
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Come with me.
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We need to open this up.
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[Turtle mews]
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Jules, our goal
is to remove the blockages
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that are stopping you
from connecting with Turtle.
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You're the one who agreed to be
Ramona's bridesmaid, not him.
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‐ My only blockage is my cat
destroying my kitchen
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on the one day it needed
to look like the kitchen
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of a person who is healthy and adjusted
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and not completely heartbroken
over anyone's brother.
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‐ Remember, Jules,
it's not you against Turtle,
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it's you and Turtle against the problem.
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Why don't you talk
about how you're feeling
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as opposed to what you're thinking?
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‐ I feel like I think
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Ramona needs to see
that I'm doing amazing
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and report that back to Jeremy.
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‐ Do you think that
maybe what's going on
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is that you're not over your breakup
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and instead, you're making the problem
about your cat?
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‐ Exactly. The real problem is the cat.
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Turtle is sad because
when we moved out of Jeremy's,
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we had to leave Johnny Drama
and now he's acting out.
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But I can fix this.
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‐ For the record,
this session was unproductive!
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‐ It's only weird if you make it weird.
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‐ [Turtle mews]
JULES: There you go. See, Turtle?
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Feeling better already.
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MAN:
Hey, uh, so I feel a little weird
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to just come up and tell you this, but‐‐
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‐ Oh, God. [laughs]
Look, I'm sure plenty of people come here
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hoping for a pet‐inspired
meet‐cute situation,
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and I'm very flattered,
but it is not a great time for me.
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‐ You just stepped in shit.
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[dog yipping]
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Lucky for you, I am kind of
a compulsive cleaner.
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Here.
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‐ Um, I'm really sorry,
by the way, about that
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whole speech before, um...
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Honestly, I just got a little freaked out
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because I thought you were
gonna hit on me.
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MAN:
Right, and I would obviously freak you out
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because upon first glance,
I'm either totally revolting
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or seem like a serial killer?
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‐ No. Nope. No, it's not that.
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You, you don't seem like
a serial killer, trust me.
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I mean, not "trust me" like
I have experience with serial killers,
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because I don't.
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I mean, I don't think I do
just because I'm alive?
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Anyway, I'm Jules. This is Turtle.
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‐ I'm Wes, this is Ollie.
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So is Turtle one of those
species‐fluid cats?
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Very woke of him.
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‐ Well, he's used to being
around a dog and, um,
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he's been a little depressed lately,
so I thought this might be a good idea.
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I don't know, is that crazy?
‐ No, it's not crazy at all.
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A lot of people don't realize it,
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but animals can struggle
with separation anxiety,
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and all sorts of mental health
problems that people do.
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‐ What are you, a cat doctor?
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‐ Most people just say "veterinarian,"
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but, yeah, I guess technically
I'm a doctor of cats and such.
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‐ Oh. [laughs]
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Well... I just put my foot in my mouth.
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‐ I'd strongly advise against that
given the circumstances.
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Anyway, I don't want to take up your time
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or be that vet at a dog park
handing out his card,
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but just in case something comes up.
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‐ [laughs] Okay.
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‐ Nice to meet you.
‐ Bye. [laughs]
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WES:
Hey. Follow me.
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♪ breezy jazz playing ♪
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[kitchen timer dings]
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[sighs]
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‐ It legit smells fucked up in here.
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‐ I'm getting notes of a burnt something.
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I can't quite put my finger on it.
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‐ I set Ina Garten on fire
during the third chicken.
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‐ Toasted book,
that's what I was smelling.
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‐ Less judging, more helping.
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Colin's gonna be here in an hour
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and I've gotta cook something
that 46‐year‐olds eat.
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‐ My grandpa always gets it up
for a nice piece of fish.
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‐ I'm sorry, can your grandfather's boner
not be a part of this conversation?
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‐ Hey, don't hate
on my grandfather's boner.
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I wouldn't be here
without my grandfather's boner.
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‐ Is this a Gucci belt
in your silverware drawer?
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‐ This is my overflow closet.
I don't cook a lot.
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‐ Why don't we just Postmates?
You know, maybe the Postmates guy
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will be cute, and then you can go
on a date with him
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instead of cooking dinner
for this old fuck.
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‐ Stella, was I this unsupportive
that time you dated that mime?
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‐ Yes. You called him "Quiet Clown"
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and then kicked him out
of your birthday dinner.
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‐ Well, he made me wanna... myself.
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[sighs] Look,
Colin wants to meet you guys,
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so this dinner has to be elegant,
adult and sophisticated.
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Which reminds me,
no one can act like themselves.
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‐ I have experience with that.
‐ Izzy,
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don't talk about your Ariana Grande blog.
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Ooh! Or how you got
that permanent bottom retainer.
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Or that dream where
you're a Christmas tree.
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And don't call things "fire."
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It never sounds natural
when you say it.
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‐ Really? "That dress is fire.
That dress is fire."
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‐ I just want to painstakingly
construct an aura
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of sophistication and maturity
that is both effortless and natural.
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‐ This feels like the domestic equivalent
of faking an orgasm.
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You know, they're never gonna get better
if we keep pretending.
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‐ It is not pretending.
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It's like when you put on
tinted moisturizer,
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clear brow gel, brown mascara,
loose setting powder, and matte lip balm
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in order to achieve a carefully
crafted makeup‐free look.
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‐ Holy shit. Can you repeat that?
I gotta write it down.
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‐ Just stick to the areas of conversation
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that make us seem
worldly and cosmopolitan.
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The following is a list of
dinner party approved topics:
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"The dangers of social media,
the absence of the middle class,
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"travel anxiety, Lipitor, classic rock,
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airline reward points, and Frasier."
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Stella, I need you to email
that list to Jules.
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‐ Okay, that's adorable
you think I listened to that
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and could regurgitate it into an email.
‐ [phone buzzes]
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‐ Jules says she's gonna be late,
she has her cousin's bachelorette party.
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Don't mention the bachelorette
party to Colin,
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00:09:00,500 --> 00:09:02,210
it makes it sound slutty and young.
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00:09:02,210 --> 00:09:03,795
‐ [smoke detector beeping]
‐ Oh, my God!
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Did someone turn on the oven?
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00:09:05,714 --> 00:09:07,716
IZZY: You were trying to cook
a whole chicken on the stove.
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00:09:07,716 --> 00:09:10,135
MADISON:
No! Shit, I keep my heels in there!
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00:09:10,135 --> 00:09:13,555
‐ It doesn't feel like it was
my responsibility to know that.
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MADISON:
My shoes! My Louboutins!
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00:09:16,099 --> 00:09:18,310
♪ upbeat music playing ♪
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00:09:20,854 --> 00:09:23,607
‐ Another supermodel
is ready for the runway.
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What do you think?
‐ [women gasp, shriek]
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‐ Oh, my God!
‐ [Ramona mouthing words]
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00:09:28,904 --> 00:09:30,071
‐ Oh, my God.
207
00:09:30,071 --> 00:09:32,532
‐ It screams "me."
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00:09:32,532 --> 00:09:36,870
‐ You are getting the full
Dallas treatment today. Oh!
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00:09:36,870 --> 00:09:39,789
Thank you to my besties for being here.
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00:09:39,789 --> 00:09:42,334
Especially my girls
who flew out from Texas.
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00:09:42,334 --> 00:09:45,670
Oh! You brought like a little bit of home
here to L. A. for my batch weekend.
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00:09:45,670 --> 00:09:48,465
Hash tag HolyMatramona, tag your Instas.
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00:09:48,465 --> 00:09:52,344
‐ Oh, uh, quick housekeeping announcement
from the maid of honor.
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00:09:52,344 --> 00:09:54,387
For those of you who haven't,
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if you could Venmo me the $576
for the tea, sachets, decor and hotel.
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00:10:00,310 --> 00:10:03,939
Oh, and that doesn't include
the party bus or dinner this evening.
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00:10:03,939 --> 00:10:06,483
Now, gettin' into games,
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00:10:06,483 --> 00:10:10,779
let's each go around
and talk about the first time
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00:10:10,779 --> 00:10:13,031
we met Ramona.
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00:10:13,031 --> 00:10:15,700
‐ [crowd applauding]
‐ Miss Maid of Honor,
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00:10:15,700 --> 00:10:17,661
you have one minute for your answer.
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00:10:19,537 --> 00:10:22,874
‐ I'll never forget
the first time I met Ramona.
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00:10:22,874 --> 00:10:25,544
It was the first day of kindergarten,
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00:10:25,544 --> 00:10:29,422
and her Barbie lent my Barbie
the most incredible pair
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00:10:29,422 --> 00:10:32,175
of plastic open‐toed espadrilles.
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‐ Thank you, Miss Maid of Honor.
‐ [applause]
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00:10:34,010 --> 00:10:36,346
Miss Friend from Camp?
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00:10:36,346 --> 00:10:39,099
‐ Ramona and I made friendship bracelets
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that we promised
we'd give our daughters one day.
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00:10:42,143 --> 00:10:44,646
CROWD: Aw!
‐ Whoo! Go Camp Wannaweepweep!
231
00:10:44,646 --> 00:10:46,690
[whistling and applause]
232
00:10:46,690 --> 00:10:50,151
‐ Miss Dumped by the Bride's Brother?
233
00:10:52,028 --> 00:10:54,990
‐ Uh... Hi.
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00:10:54,990 --> 00:10:59,035
‐ I'll repeat the question.
When did you first meet Ramona?
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00:10:59,035 --> 00:11:02,289
‐ Um, I think it's
when I came to a Thanksgiving.
236
00:11:04,040 --> 00:11:05,542
With Jeremy.
‐ [feedback whines]
237
00:11:05,542 --> 00:11:07,669
‐ [scattered exclamations]
238
00:11:07,669 --> 00:11:11,256
‐ Are you still harboring secret
and unresolved feelings for him?
239
00:11:11,256 --> 00:11:14,092
‐ No one else got a second question.
‐ It's a two‐parter.
240
00:11:14,092 --> 00:11:17,637
‐ I mean, am I completely over it?
241
00:11:17,637 --> 00:11:18,763
Define "completely."
242
00:11:18,763 --> 00:11:21,516
Define "over."
Define "it."
243
00:11:21,516 --> 00:11:24,978
‐ It must be so hard to put
on a brave face in a situation
244
00:11:24,978 --> 00:11:28,773
that is so obviously totally crushing you.
245
00:11:28,773 --> 00:11:31,109
‐ Uh, did we do away with swimsuit?
246
00:11:31,109 --> 00:11:33,737
Because I feel like that's gonna
be more comfortable than this.
247
00:11:33,737 --> 00:11:36,615
‐ [Mario screams]
Something just touched my foot!
248
00:11:36,615 --> 00:11:39,200
‐ [hair sizzles]
‐ [screaming]
249
00:11:42,871 --> 00:11:45,582
‐ I'm so sorry about your face, Ramona.
250
00:11:45,582 --> 00:11:48,126
Turtle has been acting out lately.
251
00:11:48,126 --> 00:11:51,796
I... I totally understand if you don't
want me to be in your wedding anymore.
252
00:11:51,796 --> 00:11:53,215
‐ Are you kidding?
253
00:11:53,215 --> 00:11:55,717
You can't back out,
not because of your cat,
254
00:11:55,717 --> 00:11:58,511
and not because of my idiot
little brother either, okay?
255
00:11:58,511 --> 00:12:01,056
Dumping you before my wedding
was so selfish of him.
256
00:12:01,056 --> 00:12:04,267
‐ Yeah, that was my first
thought after the breakup too.
257
00:12:04,267 --> 00:12:07,229
‐ This isn't about Jer, right?
‐ No. No, no, no. No.
258
00:12:07,229 --> 00:12:09,564
You're an only child
as far as I'm concerned.
259
00:12:09,564 --> 00:12:11,233
I'm just glad you're not mad at me.
260
00:12:11,233 --> 00:12:13,026
‐ Oh, it wasn't your fault.
261
00:12:13,026 --> 00:12:14,778
Just tell me, is it bad?
262
00:12:16,363 --> 00:12:18,156
‐ [friends cough quietly]
‐ No.
263
00:12:18,156 --> 00:12:20,992
‐ [murmuring]
‐ Oh, gosh no.
264
00:12:20,992 --> 00:12:22,244
[slurping]
265
00:12:22,244 --> 00:12:24,537
JULES:
Hey, Mads. My thing ended early
266
00:12:24,537 --> 00:12:26,831
because of a third‐degree burn situation,
267
00:12:26,831 --> 00:12:28,625
so I'm just gonna wash my face
and head over‐‐
268
00:12:28,625 --> 00:12:30,585
‐ Change of plans.
We're having dinner at your place.
269
00:12:30,585 --> 00:12:32,295
Oh, my God, what is this?
270
00:12:32,295 --> 00:12:35,507
‐ My cousin's bachelorette party.
‐ The party was here?
271
00:12:35,507 --> 00:12:37,467
Fuck the dangers of social media,
272
00:12:37,467 --> 00:12:39,427
this is what Instagram stories are for.
273
00:12:39,427 --> 00:12:41,179
‐ I swear I know the model for this.
274
00:12:41,179 --> 00:12:42,931
‐ Why would you move
the dinner party to my house?
275
00:12:42,931 --> 00:12:44,641
‐ Because Izzy set my shoes on fire
276
00:12:44,641 --> 00:12:46,726
and I didn't know you were
hosting a penis festival.
277
00:12:46,726 --> 00:12:48,478
‐ [laughs] Penis festival.
278
00:12:48,478 --> 00:12:50,230
‐ Okay, everyone split up.
279
00:12:50,230 --> 00:12:52,941
Colin's gonna be here any minute.
Hide the dicks.
280
00:12:52,941 --> 00:12:54,818
♪ upbeat music playing ♪
281
00:13:13,879 --> 00:13:15,839
‐ Okay, I think we got it all.
282
00:13:15,839 --> 00:13:16,923
[sighs]
283
00:13:23,638 --> 00:13:25,849
[grunting]
284
00:13:26,433 --> 00:13:28,685
IZZY:
It won't deflate! It's too hard!
285
00:13:28,685 --> 00:13:30,937
‐ Try stepping on the balls.
IZZY: Okay.
286
00:13:31,938 --> 00:13:35,233
‐ Knock‐knock. I brought Pinot.
287
00:13:36,902 --> 00:13:38,528
‐ Welcome to my home.
288
00:13:42,353 --> 00:13:44,910
‐ Uh, everyone, this is Colin.
Colin, this is everyone.
289
00:13:44,910 --> 00:13:46,286
COLIN:
Hey, girls.
290
00:13:46,286 --> 00:13:48,622
That's quite the large penis
you have there.
291
00:13:48,622 --> 00:13:50,957
MADISON:
It's an art installation.
292
00:13:50,957 --> 00:13:53,919
Uh, Jules is really
into feminist modernism.
293
00:13:53,919 --> 00:13:57,214
‐ Yep. I got it at a... gallery.
294
00:13:57,214 --> 00:13:59,174
‐ Cool. Cool. Which one?
295
00:13:59,174 --> 00:14:02,594
‐ It's just called, um, Gallery.
296
00:14:02,594 --> 00:14:04,387
It's minimalist.
297
00:14:04,387 --> 00:14:07,766
‐ Stella, Izzy, why don't you guys
make Colin a drink from the bar cart
298
00:14:07,766 --> 00:14:10,143
that houses various types
of aged and unaged alcohols?
299
00:14:10,143 --> 00:14:12,562
Sit down, honey.
Jules, I need your help in the kitchen.
300
00:14:12,562 --> 00:14:15,565
‐ Perfect. Well, feel free
to make yourself at‐‐
301
00:14:18,235 --> 00:14:20,195
‐ Normally I would have
questions about why you look
302
00:14:20,195 --> 00:14:22,447
like a Dolly Parton impersonator,
but we need to focus.
303
00:14:22,447 --> 00:14:24,699
‐ The bachelorette party
had this guy doing makeovers.
304
00:14:24,699 --> 00:14:26,743
‐ What, and you did something
to make him hate you?
305
00:14:26,743 --> 00:14:27,911
I can see your line.
306
00:14:27,911 --> 00:14:29,704
‐ My what?
‐ Your line.
307
00:14:29,704 --> 00:14:31,665
The completely unblended line
where your foundation dead‐ends
308
00:14:31,665 --> 00:14:32,999
into the rest of your neck.
309
00:14:32,999 --> 00:14:34,709
The line that screams,
"In case you were wondering,
310
00:14:34,709 --> 00:14:36,503
this is not at all
what I actually look like!"
311
00:14:36,503 --> 00:14:38,964
‐ Oh, is it anything like
the line between normal Madison
312
00:14:38,964 --> 00:14:41,466
and the person who keeps rearranging
the same six Brussels sprouts
313
00:14:41,466 --> 00:14:43,301
on that plate like a culinary Rain Man?
314
00:14:43,301 --> 00:14:44,761
‐ We can insult each other later.
315
00:14:44,761 --> 00:14:46,680
Right now, I need this dinner
to go perfectly.
316
00:14:46,680 --> 00:14:48,557
‐ Colin seems like a pretty chill guy.
317
00:14:48,557 --> 00:14:50,892
‐ Look, I know he says
he doesn't care how mature I am,
318
00:14:50,892 --> 00:14:52,936
but his beach house says otherwise.
319
00:14:52,936 --> 00:14:55,564
Look, his ex‐wife was obviously
an incredible homemaker
320
00:14:55,564 --> 00:14:58,191
and had the interior design
instincts of Jonathan Adler.
321
00:14:58,191 --> 00:15:01,236
So tonight has to be
the definition of sophistication.
322
00:15:04,364 --> 00:15:05,532
Who's hungry?
323
00:15:07,867 --> 00:15:10,912
Ah. Izzy, Stella,
can you help set the table?
324
00:15:10,912 --> 00:15:12,956
You know how we normally do
during all the dinner parties
325
00:15:12,956 --> 00:15:14,624
we're constantly throwing.
326
00:15:14,624 --> 00:15:16,835
‐ [knock on door]
COLIN: I got it.
327
00:15:19,337 --> 00:15:20,380
Hey.
328
00:15:20,380 --> 00:15:23,133
‐ Hey. Is this Jules' place?
329
00:15:23,133 --> 00:15:24,968
I'm Steve.
I'm here for the party.
330
00:15:24,968 --> 00:15:27,387
‐ Sure, come on in.
‐ Oh, thank you.
331
00:15:27,804 --> 00:15:29,848
‐ Jules, your friend Steve's here.
332
00:15:30,974 --> 00:15:33,768
‐ Oh, my God.
Hello, Steve. Uh...
333
00:15:33,768 --> 00:15:36,187
So good of you to come. Welcome.
334
00:15:36,187 --> 00:15:37,439
‐ [softly] Who the fuck is that?
335
00:15:37,439 --> 00:15:39,357
‐ It's not not the stripper
336
00:15:39,357 --> 00:15:41,276
from the bachelorette party
I forgot to cancel.
337
00:15:41,276 --> 00:15:44,112
‐ Jules!
‐ Handling it. Handling it.
338
00:15:44,112 --> 00:15:46,865
‐ Make you a drink? You look like
an old‐fashioned kind of guy.
339
00:15:46,865 --> 00:15:48,450
‐ [clicks tongue]
Yeah, sure,
340
00:15:48,450 --> 00:15:50,660
just an old‐fashioned
Jager and Red Bull for me.
341
00:15:52,287 --> 00:15:53,413
‐ Okay.
342
00:15:55,415 --> 00:15:57,250
‐ Oh, my‐‐ No‐no‐no‐no! Oh, boy!
343
00:15:57,250 --> 00:15:58,960
We should, uh, it's cold, right?
344
00:15:58,960 --> 00:16:01,004
So we should just leave
the coat on, I think.
345
00:16:01,004 --> 00:16:02,797
‐ Oh, okay, whatever you want.
You're paying for it.
346
00:16:02,797 --> 00:16:05,008
‐ Uh, look, uh, Steve, listen.
347
00:16:05,008 --> 00:16:07,510
There's been a little
misunderstanding, okay?
348
00:16:07,510 --> 00:16:09,262
And, uh, I think we really need to talk
349
00:16:09,262 --> 00:16:11,640
before this night goes
completely off the rails.
350
00:16:11,640 --> 00:16:15,227
[train whistle blowing]
351
00:16:15,227 --> 00:16:17,270
We don't have a lot of time, Steve.
352
00:16:17,270 --> 00:16:19,522
We have to switch gears quickly!
353
00:16:19,522 --> 00:16:22,442
♪ saloon piano
playing dramatic soundtrack ♪
354
00:16:23,693 --> 00:16:24,861
[train whistle blows]
355
00:16:26,905 --> 00:16:29,824
I'm very, very sorry
no one called to cancel,
356
00:16:29,824 --> 00:16:32,244
but, uh, tonight you are not a stripper.
357
00:16:32,244 --> 00:16:35,247
Okay, Steve?
You're a guest at a dinner party.
358
00:16:35,247 --> 00:16:36,748
You understand what I'm saying?
359
00:16:36,748 --> 00:16:40,252
‐ Got it. I am a "guest"
at a dinner party.
360
00:16:40,252 --> 00:16:42,337
‐ Ooh, Steve, I feel like
you're not following
361
00:16:42,337 --> 00:16:44,923
and it is very important that we get
on the same page right now.
362
00:16:44,923 --> 00:16:46,883
Okay? Who are you tonight?
363
00:16:46,883 --> 00:16:50,554
‐ I am a "guest" at a "dinner party."
364
00:16:50,554 --> 00:16:53,932
‐ No air quotes, Steve.
The air quotes are very concerning.
365
00:16:53,932 --> 00:16:55,684
This is a matter of life or death.
366
00:16:55,684 --> 00:16:57,394
♪ dramatic soundtrack continues ♪
367
00:16:57,394 --> 00:16:59,646
[train whistle blows]
368
00:17:01,898 --> 00:17:05,443
If this night is a train wreck,
Madison is going to kill me.
369
00:17:05,944 --> 00:17:07,445
No sandwiches!
370
00:17:07,946 --> 00:17:09,155
We're as ready as we'll ever be, Steve.
371
00:17:09,155 --> 00:17:11,032
We have to jump.
372
00:17:11,825 --> 00:17:13,201
Come on!
373
00:17:13,201 --> 00:17:15,203
♪ dramatic soundtrack continues ♪
374
00:17:15,203 --> 00:17:17,289
‐ [train whistle blows]
‐ Whoa!
375
00:17:17,289 --> 00:17:20,041
Uh... Keep that closed, Steve.
376
00:17:23,253 --> 00:17:24,254
[both yell]
377
00:17:26,464 --> 00:17:28,216
‐ What were you two up to in there?
378
00:17:28,216 --> 00:17:30,093
‐ Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
379
00:17:30,093 --> 00:17:31,553
Kissing.
380
00:17:37,225 --> 00:17:39,477
COLIN:
This chicken is delicious, Mads.
381
00:17:39,477 --> 00:17:42,772
I thought your knowledge of food
ended with takeout from Fat Dragon.
382
00:17:42,772 --> 00:17:46,443
‐ We always get takeout when we have
our French cinema marathons.
383
00:17:46,443 --> 00:17:48,737
Oh, honey, we should watch
Moulin Rouge again.
384
00:17:48,737 --> 00:17:50,906
‐ Fully Australian film,
shot in Australia.
385
00:17:50,906 --> 00:17:53,491
‐ Anyway, uh, I don't always
have time to cook,
386
00:17:53,491 --> 00:17:57,078
I'm a very busy girl‐‐
uh, woman, very busy woman.
387
00:17:57,078 --> 00:17:59,706
Oh, but it's such a treat
to casually throw together
388
00:17:59,706 --> 00:18:01,082
a gourmet chicken and nine sides.
389
00:18:01,082 --> 00:18:03,585
‐ Oh, wow.
You are really extra right now.
390
00:18:03,585 --> 00:18:07,756
‐ Extra great wife material.
[laughs]
391
00:18:07,756 --> 00:18:09,674
Not that you need a wife.
Or have ever had one.
392
00:18:09,674 --> 00:18:11,259
Or still do. Never mind.
393
00:18:11,259 --> 00:18:13,553
We weren't supposed
to talk about this. Divorce.
394
00:18:13,553 --> 00:18:15,430
‐ Honey, uh, would you like
more mac and cheese?
395
00:18:15,430 --> 00:18:16,640
‐ Uh, yeah, please, yeah.
396
00:18:16,640 --> 00:18:19,434
Have I ever told you
about the, uh, mac and cheese
397
00:18:19,434 --> 00:18:21,228
at my favorite spot in New Orleans?
398
00:18:21,228 --> 00:18:23,772
‐ Oh, we're supposed to go
in February for Mardi Gras.
399
00:18:23,772 --> 00:18:27,484
Last time we were there, I met this guy
who had the biggest fetish for a‐‐
400
00:18:27,484 --> 00:18:31,279
‐ Chicken! Anyone want seconds?
There's so much chicken here. Colin, you?
401
00:18:31,279 --> 00:18:33,156
‐ Uh... [laughs]
Yeah, maybe later.
402
00:18:33,156 --> 00:18:35,367
JULES: Okay.
‐ Or, right now is good, yeah.
403
00:18:35,367 --> 00:18:37,202
There's something that tastes
so familiar about it.
404
00:18:37,202 --> 00:18:39,871
‐ Ass play.
That was the fetish.
405
00:18:41,873 --> 00:18:43,166
Sorry, I got cut off before.
406
00:18:44,834 --> 00:18:46,419
COLIN:
Cool.
407
00:18:46,419 --> 00:18:48,713
So everyone psyched for the weekend?
408
00:18:48,713 --> 00:18:50,966
‐ Oh my God, are you going, too?
‐ Going where?
409
00:18:50,966 --> 00:18:53,051
‐ The Weeknd.
‐ Yeah, but I'm asking where.
410
00:18:53,051 --> 00:18:55,345
IZZY: Oh, they haven't
announced it yet, but it's supposed to be
411
00:18:55,345 --> 00:18:57,013
a really small venue, really intimate,
412
00:18:57,013 --> 00:18:58,848
and The Hadids might be there,
but who knows.
413
00:18:58,848 --> 00:19:02,269
‐ Okay, so a concert.
[chuckles]
414
00:19:02,269 --> 00:19:03,645
IZZY:
Yeah.
415
00:19:05,981 --> 00:19:07,941
‐ Who's playing?
416
00:19:07,941 --> 00:19:09,734
‐ The Weeknd.
417
00:19:09,734 --> 00:19:11,903
‐ You're the one who pretended
to be someone else, right?
418
00:19:11,903 --> 00:19:14,030
‐ Hmm. Maybe I can be helpful, Colin.
419
00:19:14,030 --> 00:19:15,949
Um, the Weeknd is a singer,
420
00:19:15,949 --> 00:19:19,286
whose real name is Abel,
and he has some...
421
00:19:19,286 --> 00:19:20,787
cool tunes.
422
00:19:20,787 --> 00:19:22,330
‐ They're called bops.
423
00:19:22,330 --> 00:19:24,332
"I Can't Feel My Face When I'm with You"?
424
00:19:24,332 --> 00:19:26,918
It's one of the greatest
love songs of our time.
425
00:19:30,589 --> 00:19:32,090
‐ Right. Yeah.
426
00:19:33,884 --> 00:19:36,928
‐ So does, uh, anyone else have
anything they'd like to say?
427
00:19:36,928 --> 00:19:39,764
‐ I read something kind of cool.
‐ Anyone other than Steve?
428
00:19:39,764 --> 00:19:42,684
‐ It was in the Wall Street Journal,
about how interest rates
429
00:19:42,684 --> 00:19:46,104
are at their highest mark
since 2011, yet consumers‐‐
430
00:19:46,104 --> 00:19:49,441
‐ Aren't able to generate enough income
to put money into savings.
431
00:19:49,441 --> 00:19:50,609
Yeah, I saw that.
432
00:19:50,609 --> 00:19:53,069
Do you think it's going to have
an impact on the housing market?
433
00:19:53,069 --> 00:19:55,071
‐ It's hard to say, you know.
If first‐time homebuyers
434
00:19:55,071 --> 00:19:56,656
aren't able to put together
a down payment‐‐
435
00:19:56,656 --> 00:19:58,408
COLIN: I know, well then
what difference does it make
436
00:19:58,408 --> 00:20:00,577
how many jumbo loans
they can string together?
437
00:20:00,577 --> 00:20:01,578
‐ It's pick your poison.
438
00:20:01,578 --> 00:20:04,456
‐ I know, that's exactly
what I've been saying. Yeah.
439
00:20:04,456 --> 00:20:08,376
[chuckles, sniffs]
What do you do again, Steve?
440
00:20:08,376 --> 00:20:11,421
‐ [gulps]
I'm a guest at a dinner party.
441
00:20:11,421 --> 00:20:12,756
[Jules coughs]
442
00:20:12,756 --> 00:20:14,841
‐ Living in the moment.
I love this guy.
443
00:20:14,841 --> 00:20:17,427
‐ On that note,
I want to propose a toast.
444
00:20:17,427 --> 00:20:20,597
This dinner was all about bringing
together a group of like‐minded adults
445
00:20:20,597 --> 00:20:22,641
who've really made an impact on my life.
446
00:20:22,641 --> 00:20:24,935
My boyfriend Colin...
447
00:20:24,935 --> 00:20:28,063
my best friends in the world...
Jules, Stella, Izzy...
448
00:20:29,940 --> 00:20:31,274
and Steve.
449
00:20:31,274 --> 00:20:33,109
So let's all raise a glass.
450
00:20:33,109 --> 00:20:34,736
[Turtle growling]
451
00:20:34,736 --> 00:20:36,196
Let's... all raise a glass.
452
00:20:36,196 --> 00:20:37,781
[Turtle retching]
453
00:20:37,781 --> 00:20:40,951
JULES: Please excuse me
while I excuse myself, please.
454
00:20:44,788 --> 00:20:45,914
Oh shit!
455
00:20:46,539 --> 00:20:48,375
Turtle ate a bag of dicks!
456
00:20:50,502 --> 00:20:52,045
‐ [Turtle yowls]
‐ Thank you so much for coming.
457
00:20:52,045 --> 00:20:53,088
I didn't know who else to call.
458
00:20:53,088 --> 00:20:54,589
‐ Don't worry.
You did the right thing.
459
00:20:54,589 --> 00:20:56,550
Do you have any idea
how many dicks he ate?
460
00:20:56,550 --> 00:20:58,969
‐ Um, well, I think he got through
most of the cookie dicks,
461
00:20:58,969 --> 00:21:01,846
but there were also gummy dicks
and like a marshmallow dick, I think.
462
00:21:01,846 --> 00:21:03,765
‐ It's really important
I know exactly what was in it.
463
00:21:03,765 --> 00:21:06,685
JULES: Um, well, it's still
in the garbage, let me look.
464
00:21:11,481 --> 00:21:14,609
‐ Boston Market.
That's what I was tasting.
465
00:21:14,609 --> 00:21:17,904
‐ Jules, can you stop
the dumpster dive, please?
466
00:21:17,904 --> 00:21:19,614
‐ I'm looking for what he ate, okay?
467
00:21:19,614 --> 00:21:21,866
‐ Colin, for the record,
I did cook a chicken.
468
00:21:21,866 --> 00:21:23,493
Just not the one you ate.
IZZY: She did.
469
00:21:23,493 --> 00:21:25,870
She tried.
She cooked like five chickens,
470
00:21:25,870 --> 00:21:27,163
and probably would have kept going
471
00:21:27,163 --> 00:21:29,040
if we didn't set her shoes
on fire in the oven.
472
00:21:29,040 --> 00:21:30,917
‐ Guys, it's really fine.
When I was in my 20s,
473
00:21:30,917 --> 00:21:33,169
I couldn't make a bowl of cereal
without screwing something up.
474
00:21:33,169 --> 00:21:36,089
‐ But look at him now.
Sixty years later and he's a doctor.
475
00:21:36,089 --> 00:21:38,258
‐ Ow! How old do you think I am?
476
00:21:38,258 --> 00:21:41,386
‐ Speaking of doctors, how loose
are you with health insurance
477
00:21:41,386 --> 00:21:43,471
if I need to get a checkup
to get scuba certified?
478
00:21:43,471 --> 00:21:45,015
‐ Uh... not loose.
479
00:21:45,015 --> 00:21:47,225
‐ He's totally fine,
he vomited everything up.
480
00:21:47,225 --> 00:21:49,269
You know, I just think Turtle
could maybe use a little space,
481
00:21:49,269 --> 00:21:51,313
if you guys don't mind clearing out.
482
00:21:53,773 --> 00:21:56,026
‐ This is great, Jules.
This is going really well.
483
00:21:56,026 --> 00:21:59,070
Your cat's having an exorcism,
and my boyfriend thinks I'm an 11‐year‐old
484
00:21:59,070 --> 00:22:01,197
who's more equipped to make
myself Lucky Charms than‐‐
WES: Wait!
485
00:22:01,197 --> 00:22:03,241
He didn't eat Lucky Charms, did he?
‐ No.
486
00:22:03,241 --> 00:22:05,243
I can't believe you're trying
to make this my fault.
487
00:22:05,243 --> 00:22:08,496
I mean, why the hell would you tell Colin
we're sophisticated in the first place?
488
00:22:08,496 --> 00:22:11,041
We brought Taco Bell
to a Friendsgiving last weekend.
489
00:22:11,041 --> 00:22:13,543
‐ Well, sorry for wanting to come off
a little more mature.
490
00:22:13,543 --> 00:22:16,880
Have you never wanted to make yourself
a little bit better than you actually are?
491
00:22:16,880 --> 00:22:19,674
‐ Are you kidding? I'm constantly trying
to seem better than I am.
492
00:22:19,674 --> 00:22:22,302
I wanna seem like I'm totally happy
being single with my girlfriends
493
00:22:22,302 --> 00:22:24,512
and not still heartbroken all the time.
494
00:22:24,512 --> 00:22:26,598
‐ Well, I didn't realize you
were still feeling that way
495
00:22:26,598 --> 00:22:28,683
and I think it's really brave
of you to admit that.
496
00:22:28,683 --> 00:22:30,560
‐ Well, I think you don't have
to try so hard
497
00:22:30,560 --> 00:22:32,479
because you're already perfect
the way you are
498
00:22:32,479 --> 00:22:34,314
and any guy you're dating
should be able to see that.
499
00:22:34,314 --> 00:22:36,441
‐ Well, I really appreciate
that coming from you
500
00:22:36,441 --> 00:22:39,027
'cause you are my best friend
and I'm so happy you're back in my life.
501
00:22:39,027 --> 00:22:42,739
‐ Guys, I think we should all
kind of take a breather here.
502
00:22:42,739 --> 00:22:45,283
You know, maybe listen to some music.
503
00:22:45,283 --> 00:22:47,410
Alexa, play party music.
504
00:22:47,410 --> 00:22:48,954
ALEXA: Okay.
505
00:22:48,954 --> 00:22:51,039
♪ "The Stroke" by Billy Squier playing ♪
506
00:22:51,039 --> 00:22:53,667
‐ [gasps]
‐ ♪ Now, everybody ♪
507
00:22:53,667 --> 00:22:55,752
♪ Have you heard? ♪
508
00:22:55,752 --> 00:22:58,547
♪ If you're in the game ♪
‐ Steve?
509
00:22:58,547 --> 00:23:00,173
♪ Then the stroke's the word ♪
510
00:23:02,759 --> 00:23:05,345
♪ Don't take no rhythm ♪
511
00:23:05,345 --> 00:23:07,931
♪ Don't take no style ♪
‐ [Izzy shrieks]
512
00:23:07,931 --> 00:23:09,599
♪ Got a thirst for killing ♪
513
00:23:09,599 --> 00:23:13,395
‐ [shrieks]
‐ ♪ Grab your vial, yeah ♪
514
00:23:13,395 --> 00:23:14,854
‐ [women gasping]
‐ ♪ Whoo! ♪
515
00:23:18,358 --> 00:23:20,902
IZZY: Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
516
00:23:22,487 --> 00:23:24,614
♪ Put your right hand out ♪
517
00:23:24,614 --> 00:23:26,199
‐ Ooh!
‐ ♪ Give a firm handshake ♪
518
00:23:26,199 --> 00:23:27,909
‐ Whoa.
519
00:23:27,909 --> 00:23:30,120
‐ ♪ Talk to me ♪
520
00:23:30,120 --> 00:23:31,746
♪ About that one big break ♪
521
00:23:33,707 --> 00:23:36,418
♪ Spread your ear pollution ♪
522
00:23:36,418 --> 00:23:39,045
♪ Both far and wide ♪
523
00:23:39,045 --> 00:23:41,464
♪ Keep your contributions ♪
524
00:23:41,464 --> 00:23:43,049
‐ Steve?
‐ ♪ By your side ♪
525
00:23:43,049 --> 00:23:45,927
♪ And stroke me, stroke me ♪
526
00:23:45,927 --> 00:23:48,805
♪ Could be a winner, boy,
and move mighty well ♪
527
00:23:48,805 --> 00:23:50,390
♪ Stroke me, stroke me ♪
528
00:23:50,390 --> 00:23:51,850
‐ Uh, Steve?
529
00:23:51,850 --> 00:23:56,187
‐ Colin, I may have slightly exaggerated
the maturity levels of my friends and I.
530
00:23:56,187 --> 00:23:58,148
‐ Whoo! Yes!
531
00:23:58,148 --> 00:24:01,276
‐ Do you have Venmo?
I'm so Venmoing you!
532
00:24:01,276 --> 00:24:04,279
‐ Save on haircuts, save on car wash,
save on Smog Check.
533
00:24:04,279 --> 00:24:06,406
‐ What makes you say that?
534
00:24:06,406 --> 00:24:08,325
‐ Look, I'm sorry I got so crazy tonight.
535
00:24:08,325 --> 00:24:10,368
I was just so happy you wanted
to know my friends and...
536
00:24:10,368 --> 00:24:12,913
STELLA: Whoo!
‐ ...now you do.
537
00:24:12,913 --> 00:24:14,581
Any chance this is endearing?
538
00:24:14,581 --> 00:24:16,583
‐ It's entirely endearing.
539
00:24:21,254 --> 00:24:23,840
Oh, remind me to get
Steve's email before I go.
540
00:24:23,840 --> 00:24:26,635
I want to send him this Forbes article
about emerging markets.
541
00:24:29,888 --> 00:24:31,181
Oh, my God.
542
00:24:32,974 --> 00:24:35,310
‐ Thank you again for coming
to a stranger's house
543
00:24:35,310 --> 00:24:37,979
to solve a very weird problem.
544
00:24:37,979 --> 00:24:39,731
‐ Trust me, I've seen weirder.
545
00:24:39,731 --> 00:24:42,609
There was a situation with
a ferret and a box of tampons.
546
00:24:42,609 --> 00:24:45,654
I don't think I'll ever be able to get
that image out of my head.
547
00:24:45,654 --> 00:24:48,698
‐ Well, could you do me a favor
and get this out of your head?
548
00:24:48,698 --> 00:24:52,535
Because, uh, this is not
my normal evening look.
549
00:24:52,535 --> 00:24:54,746
‐ Oh, yeah, I don't remember
your eyelids being
550
00:24:54,746 --> 00:24:57,582
quite so... cerulean?
551
00:24:58,375 --> 00:25:00,168
‐ Yeah, I guess I was just, um...
552
00:25:00,168 --> 00:25:02,546
pretending to be something I'm not.
553
00:25:02,546 --> 00:25:03,838
In a lot of ways.
554
00:25:03,838 --> 00:25:05,382
‐ Hey, I... I completely get that.
555
00:25:05,382 --> 00:25:06,841
I pretend, too, sometimes.
556
00:25:06,841 --> 00:25:10,178
For example, I once gave my card
to a woman under the guise
557
00:25:10,178 --> 00:25:12,806
that she would call me
if she needed a vet,
558
00:25:12,806 --> 00:25:17,519
but really, I just wanted her to call me.
559
00:25:19,896 --> 00:25:21,898
‐ How about I call you
if Turtle eats another dick?
560
00:25:24,150 --> 00:25:25,652
‐ Or if he doesn't.
561
00:25:27,153 --> 00:25:29,030
‐ Or if he doesn't.
562
00:25:29,030 --> 00:25:33,410
["A Love Song" by Ladyhawke playing]
♪ Life is always meant to replay ♪
563
00:25:33,410 --> 00:25:37,414
♪ No heartbreak, no more today ♪
564
00:25:37,998 --> 00:25:39,708
♪ This could be my life ♪
565
00:25:39,708 --> 00:25:41,835
♪ But it's only words ♪
566
00:25:41,835 --> 00:25:43,753
♪ To make me feel right ♪
567
00:25:43,753 --> 00:25:46,131
♪ When the meaning's blurred ♪
568
00:25:46,131 --> 00:25:47,841
♪ You've opened my eyes ♪
569
00:25:47,841 --> 00:25:51,011
♪ To the oldest tale of time ♪
570
00:25:51,011 --> 00:25:54,139
♪ This is what a love song sounds like ♪
571
00:25:54,139 --> 00:25:55,640
♪ This could be my life ♪
572
00:25:55,640 --> 00:25:58,101
♪ But it's only words ♪
573
00:25:58,101 --> 00:25:59,728
♪ To make me feel right ♪
574
00:25:59,728 --> 00:26:01,855
♪ When the meaning's blurred ♪
575
00:26:01,855 --> 00:26:03,773
♪ You've opened my eyes ♪
576
00:26:03,773 --> 00:26:06,735
♪ To the oldest tale of time ♪
577
00:26:06,735 --> 00:26:09,154
♪ This is what a love song ♪
578
00:26:09,154 --> 00:26:12,073
♪ Love song sounds like,
sounds like... ♪