1
00:00:01,043 --> 00:00:03,053
♪
2
00:00:07,382 --> 00:00:09,342
‐ Hi. Picking up for Jules?
3
00:00:09,343 --> 00:00:10,933
CASHIER:
Jules.
4
00:00:10,928 --> 00:00:14,558
I’ve got a single chicken kebab plate,
single salad, and a single slice of pie.
5
00:00:14,556 --> 00:00:15,846
How many utensils would you like?
6
00:00:15,849 --> 00:00:18,229
‐ Um, two sets please.
7
00:00:18,810 --> 00:00:21,440
‐ You don't have to do that for me.
HOSTESS: Jeremy! Party of two!
8
00:00:21,438 --> 00:00:23,438
♪ dramatic music playing ♪
9
00:00:25,359 --> 00:00:27,609
Right this way, Mr. and Mrs. Jeremy.
10
00:00:30,239 --> 00:00:32,819
[restaurant rumbling]
11
00:00:32,824 --> 00:00:34,124
DINER:
Should we get on the floor?
12
00:00:36,578 --> 00:00:37,788
‐ Whoa! That was insane!
13
00:00:37,788 --> 00:00:41,208
‐ Yeah, little earthquake.
That’s L. A. for ya.
14
00:00:41,208 --> 00:00:42,328
‐ Mmm.
15
00:00:48,006 --> 00:00:49,836
[bell ringing]
16
00:00:50,676 --> 00:00:52,846
A.D.: Quiet on the set!
‐ I gotta get you mic'd up!
17
00:00:52,845 --> 00:00:55,555
You're on in 20 seconds!
‐ On? What am I on?
18
00:00:55,556 --> 00:00:57,636
‐ They told you this piece is live, right?
19
00:00:57,641 --> 00:01:00,021
‐ [news theme playing]
‐ The big one is coming.
20
00:01:00,018 --> 00:01:02,688
Scientists say
it's a matter of when not if.
21
00:01:02,688 --> 00:01:05,608
That's right, it's a virtual certainty
that, at some point,
22
00:01:05,607 --> 00:01:08,857
Jules will run into her ex
with another girl.
23
00:01:08,861 --> 00:01:10,821
We're joined by Dr. Jeffrey Mandlebaum,
24
00:01:10,821 --> 00:01:15,081
the chairman of the Running Into Your Ex
department at Johns Hopkins University.
25
00:01:15,075 --> 00:01:19,365
Dr. Mandlebaum, thanks for being here.
You say the remarkable thing is, actually,
26
00:01:19,371 --> 00:01:22,621
that Jules hasn't run into Jeremy
on a date yet.
27
00:01:22,624 --> 00:01:25,674
‐ Well, the key issues
are Jeremy's increasing Bumble use
28
00:01:25,669 --> 00:01:29,129
coupled with the terrifying proximity
of his home to Jules',
29
00:01:29,131 --> 00:01:31,931
not to mention the radius
of their typical movements.
30
00:01:31,925 --> 00:01:33,425
Now, the main danger zone extends
31
00:01:33,427 --> 00:01:36,047
all the way up to
that Italian restaurant they both like
32
00:01:36,054 --> 00:01:39,394
to the coffee shop
with the extremely tatted‐up barista.
33
00:01:39,391 --> 00:01:43,651
But we can’t rule out run‐ins
over an even larger radius,
34
00:01:44,771 --> 00:01:48,781
perhaps even as far as that unbelievably
cute little bar on Third Street
35
00:01:48,775 --> 00:01:51,025
and the movie theater that serves wine.
36
00:01:51,028 --> 00:01:53,358
‐ And Congress has done nothing
to address this?
37
00:01:53,363 --> 00:01:55,163
‐ That's unfortunately true.
38
00:01:55,157 --> 00:01:58,617
But the scarier thing is what people
aren’t doing for themselves.
39
00:01:58,619 --> 00:02:02,709
Surveys show that more than 80%
of recently broken‐up‐with people
40
00:02:02,706 --> 00:02:04,166
don't have a plan for the big one.
41
00:02:04,958 --> 00:02:08,458
‐ And now in an exclusive interview,
we have Jules Wiley herself.
42
00:02:08,462 --> 00:02:12,262
Jules, what have you done
to prepare for the big one?
43
00:02:12,257 --> 00:02:16,347
‐ Um, I'm just kinda hoping
I can avoid it.
44
00:02:16,345 --> 00:02:20,715
‐ This is typical of the nonsense that
I hear from uninformed exes every day.
45
00:02:20,724 --> 00:02:22,774
Makes me question
why I even became a scientist.
46
00:02:22,768 --> 00:02:25,148
‐ Hey, I could be the one on the date.
You don’t know.
47
00:02:25,145 --> 00:02:27,895
‐ There you have it.
The kind of insane delusional thinking
48
00:02:27,898 --> 00:02:30,108
that is, to me, a searing indictment
49
00:02:30,108 --> 00:02:33,148
of the state of Jules’ preparation
for the big one
50
00:02:33,153 --> 00:02:36,323
and perhaps of her very right to exist.
51
00:02:36,990 --> 00:02:40,490
Our story when we come back:
is sexting getting hotter?
52
00:02:40,494 --> 00:02:43,254
And if so, is the cause man‐made?
53
00:02:44,164 --> 00:02:46,294
♪
54
00:02:50,462 --> 00:02:53,592
‐ You're each a rare
and special gem in my life.
55
00:02:53,590 --> 00:02:55,880
So if any one of you
die in a natural disaster
56
00:02:55,884 --> 00:02:57,594
because you were unprepared,
57
00:02:57,594 --> 00:03:00,104
I will literally find a way to revive you
and then kill you.
58
00:03:00,097 --> 00:03:02,267
‐ Oh. Ha. That was very sweet almost.
59
00:03:02,266 --> 00:03:03,426
‐ All right, everyone take notes.
60
00:03:03,433 --> 00:03:05,603
You are only allowed to die
when Madison gives you permission to.
61
00:03:05,602 --> 00:03:09,942
‐ Okay, that minor earthquake could be
an indication that a bigger one is coming.
62
00:03:09,940 --> 00:03:13,610
Having a well‐packed earthquake kit
is the only thing that can save you,
63
00:03:13,610 --> 00:03:16,490
which is why I need to make sure
all of yours are up to code.
64
00:03:16,488 --> 00:03:17,698
Izzy?
65
00:03:19,032 --> 00:03:20,412
‐ Okay.
66
00:03:24,371 --> 00:03:28,171
‐ Izzy, you're supposed to pack
non‐perishable food.
67
00:03:28,166 --> 00:03:32,836
‐ I thought in an emergency you want to
save foods that could perish.
68
00:03:32,838 --> 00:03:34,918
‐ False.
Jules?
69
00:03:38,677 --> 00:03:39,757
This isn't a kit.
70
00:03:39,761 --> 00:03:41,811
It’s the items they provide for you
at a woman’s prison.
71
00:03:41,805 --> 00:03:43,095
‐ For free?
72
00:03:44,057 --> 00:03:46,347
‐ Literally, what would
any of you do without me?
73
00:03:46,351 --> 00:03:47,441
Stella?
74
00:03:47,436 --> 00:03:49,856
‐ Uh, yeah, so I was gonna make one,
75
00:03:49,855 --> 00:03:51,725
but then I decided
I really didn’t want to.
76
00:03:51,732 --> 00:03:54,362
‐ I always love you,
but sometimes I don't like you.
77
00:03:54,359 --> 00:03:57,909
‐ Madison, you’re stressing about
something you have no control over.
78
00:03:57,905 --> 00:04:00,905
Look, I never worry about stuff,
and somehow it always works out.
79
00:04:00,908 --> 00:04:02,408
‐ How am I supposed
to go to sleep at night
80
00:04:02,409 --> 00:04:04,829
knowing one of my best friends
is out there completely unprepared?
81
00:04:04,828 --> 00:04:07,368
‐ Wine and Ambien.
They work best in combination.
82
00:04:07,372 --> 00:04:08,922
‐ Okay, you all failed
83
00:04:08,916 --> 00:04:11,536
and are now crawling around
a post‐earthquake mayhem,
84
00:04:11,543 --> 00:04:13,633
offering hand jobs for stale candy bars.
85
00:04:14,963 --> 00:04:16,553
This is how it's done.
86
00:04:17,966 --> 00:04:20,426
Paleo canned food items.
87
00:04:20,427 --> 00:04:23,847
Miniatures of my entire skin care routine.
88
00:04:23,847 --> 00:04:28,767
Nine vacuum‐sealed outfits ranging
from casual chic to black‐tie optional.
89
00:04:29,603 --> 00:04:32,233
A female‐centric first‐aid kit
where everything is scented.
90
00:04:32,231 --> 00:04:35,781
And‐‐ some may say this is overkill‐‐
a flashlight.
91
00:04:36,777 --> 00:04:39,697
‐ Um, why would you need formal‐wear
after an earthquake?
92
00:04:39,696 --> 00:04:42,316
‐ If Brad Pitt comes
to rebuild your house,
93
00:04:42,324 --> 00:04:43,334
what will you be wearing?
94
00:04:44,868 --> 00:04:48,748
Uh, Madison, why do you have
my passport I lost four years ago
95
00:04:48,747 --> 00:04:51,117
when I was supposed to go base‐jumping
in Bhutan with Jaden Smith?
96
00:04:51,124 --> 00:04:54,464
‐ Oh, gosh, I don’t know!
How did that get in there?
97
00:04:54,461 --> 00:04:56,551
Anyway, how cute is this little jar?
98
00:04:56,547 --> 00:04:58,837
I just I love it when they take
normal‐sized things
99
00:04:58,841 --> 00:05:00,681
and make them smaller.
Don't you love that?
100
00:05:00,676 --> 00:05:03,006
‐ Madison, stop trying to distract me.
I’m not four years old.
101
00:05:03,011 --> 00:05:05,971
‐ Of course you’re not!
Anyway, that is my kit.
102
00:05:05,973 --> 00:05:08,393
‐ I missed going on that trip
because I couldn’t find my passport.
103
00:05:08,392 --> 00:05:10,852
Why did you take it?
‐ Ugh. Fine.
104
00:05:10,853 --> 00:05:13,773
You know how you said things
always “somehow” work out for you?
105
00:05:14,648 --> 00:05:16,568
Meet Somehow.
It's me.
106
00:05:16,567 --> 00:05:18,567
Behind the scenes, pulling the strings,
107
00:05:18,569 --> 00:05:21,779
making sure all my precious little dolls
stay in mint condition.
108
00:05:21,780 --> 00:05:24,070
‐ Well, I’m gonna draw the line
at precious dolls.
109
00:05:24,074 --> 00:05:25,204
‐ I’d just like to point out
110
00:05:25,200 --> 00:05:27,160
that someone’s being weirder
than I am right now.
111
00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:29,870
‐ Whatever. Look, I intervene
to keep you safe from time to time.
112
00:05:29,872 --> 00:05:32,542
‐ Time to time?
When else have you done this?
113
00:05:33,917 --> 00:05:35,997
Madison, tell me
when else you’ve done this,
114
00:05:36,003 --> 00:05:37,503
or the La Mer's gonna get it.
115
00:05:38,380 --> 00:05:42,510
‐ You wouldn't!
It’s a mini and it’s still $300 a jar!
116
00:05:42,509 --> 00:05:44,599
‐ Just tell her! Just tell her!
117
00:05:45,512 --> 00:05:47,352
‐ All right! All right.
118
00:05:49,224 --> 00:05:50,734
I took the Dan Hackett glove.
119
00:05:51,894 --> 00:05:54,774
‐ Okay, shut your mouth
and start talking.
120
00:06:00,527 --> 00:06:01,897
MADISON:
Here. Happy?
121
00:06:01,904 --> 00:06:03,824
‐ Okay, what's going on with this glove?
122
00:06:03,822 --> 00:06:06,072
‐ Look, I can explain‐‐
‐ I find people talking about
123
00:06:06,074 --> 00:06:09,044
stories I’m not a part of
to be very triggering of middle school.
124
00:06:09,036 --> 00:06:10,946
‐ You're literally going
to find out this second.
125
00:06:10,954 --> 00:06:12,874
‐ So, we went on this ski trip last year
126
00:06:12,873 --> 00:06:16,083
and got stuck on this chair lift
with this guy Stella thought was nice.
127
00:06:16,084 --> 00:06:18,804
But we didn’t have our phones,
so he wrote his number on Stella’s glove.
128
00:06:18,795 --> 00:06:21,755
‐ Which I thought I lost.
But if the glove fits...
129
00:06:21,757 --> 00:06:24,967
‐ I just had a teeny tiny nagging feeling
that the guy was 100% a sociopath.
130
00:06:24,968 --> 00:06:27,218
‐ He was unbelievably sweet.
131
00:06:27,221 --> 00:06:30,471
‐ You just have to trust me on this.
‐ No. I don't trust you on this.
132
00:06:30,474 --> 00:06:33,774
You don't make my decisions for me.
Okay? I am a grown woman.
133
00:06:33,769 --> 00:06:36,309
And my decisions will be made
solely by the universe.
134
00:06:36,313 --> 00:06:38,233
In fact, I'm gonna call him right now
135
00:06:38,232 --> 00:06:40,822
and invite him to pregame with us
before Santa‐Con tomorrow.
136
00:06:40,817 --> 00:06:42,897
‐ At my home?!
Oh, you are not!
137
00:06:42,903 --> 00:06:44,453
‐ Too late.
It's already ringing.
138
00:06:44,446 --> 00:06:47,616
‐ So, are we, like,
married to the Santa‐Con plan?
139
00:06:47,616 --> 00:06:50,616
Because that’s Jeremy’s absolute favorite
Christmas‐themed bar crawl,
140
00:06:50,619 --> 00:06:53,869
and I really don’t want to run into him.
I mean, what if he’s there with a girl?
141
00:06:53,872 --> 00:06:57,792
‐ We’re going.
Look, this is a class‐A Gram‐able event,
142
00:06:57,793 --> 00:07:00,633
and the only girls at Santa‐Con
you need to worry about are in this room.
143
00:07:00,629 --> 00:07:02,589
I mean, and if you do run into Jeremy,
144
00:07:02,589 --> 00:07:05,259
it’ll be under
the best possible circumstances‐‐
145
00:07:05,259 --> 00:07:08,299
surrounded by your best friends,
lookin' like sexy Santas.
146
00:07:08,303 --> 00:07:09,643
Look, we will protect you.
147
00:07:11,181 --> 00:07:15,271
‐ For some reason that room‐temp
supermarket sushi isn’t sitting right.
148
00:07:15,269 --> 00:07:17,269
♪ holiday music playing ♪
149
00:07:18,647 --> 00:07:19,687
[sighs]
150
00:07:22,776 --> 00:07:26,316
♪ Jingle bell, jingle bell,
jingle bell rock ♪
151
00:07:26,321 --> 00:07:28,241
‐ Kitchen! Get in here!
152
00:07:30,367 --> 00:07:31,367
Pretty good, right?
153
00:07:31,368 --> 00:07:33,288
‐ Did you start drinking
before we got here?
154
00:07:34,371 --> 00:07:37,541
‐ Maybe.
Wow, Izzy!
155
00:07:38,166 --> 00:07:39,286
You look...
156
00:07:40,294 --> 00:07:42,714
...specific.
‐ I'm Hanukkah Harry.
157
00:07:42,713 --> 00:07:44,513
That guy writing his number on the glove
158
00:07:44,506 --> 00:07:48,676
inspired me to write my number on challah
so I can do this.
159
00:07:49,136 --> 00:07:50,796
Challah at ya girl.
160
00:07:52,306 --> 00:07:55,426
‐ So, Stell, I see you came to your senses
and decided not to invite Dan.
161
00:07:55,434 --> 00:07:59,774
‐ On the contrary, Dan’s on his way over,
and my senses are nowhere to be found.
162
00:08:00,772 --> 00:08:02,192
‐ You know what?
163
00:08:02,191 --> 00:08:04,151
This is gonna be
a fun learning experience.
164
00:08:04,151 --> 00:08:06,611
We can both learn what happens
when I don’t step in to protect you.
165
00:08:06,612 --> 00:08:09,572
I'm gonna propose a deal.
‐ Hmm. I'm listening.
166
00:08:10,240 --> 00:08:12,370
‐ If at the end of the night
you don’t agree with me
167
00:08:12,367 --> 00:08:14,827
that Dan is a full psycho
who should have been avoided,
168
00:08:14,828 --> 00:08:16,788
I will never intervene in your life again.
169
00:08:16,788 --> 00:08:20,378
But if I'm right,
you have to make an earthquake kit.
170
00:08:21,335 --> 00:08:22,995
‐ Fine.
And in the case
171
00:08:23,003 --> 00:08:26,843
that you're actually the full‐blown psycho
and Dan's a sweet guy,
172
00:08:26,840 --> 00:08:29,220
what unbiased judge
are we gonna have make that call?
173
00:08:31,887 --> 00:08:34,847
‐ My grandma was sorority sisters
with Ruth Bader Ginsburg,
174
00:08:34,848 --> 00:08:38,188
so in terms of being a judge,
it’s, like, in my blood.
175
00:08:39,269 --> 00:08:40,979
[doorbell rings]
176
00:08:41,730 --> 00:08:44,360
‐ Hi!
‐ Oh, wow! Hi, Stella!
177
00:08:44,358 --> 00:08:47,528
You look amazing!
‐ Thank you. Come on in.
178
00:08:47,528 --> 00:08:50,408
‐ I was gonna bring you flowers,
but on the way over I met a homeless lady
179
00:08:50,405 --> 00:08:53,275
who seemed like she was having a bad day.
STELLA: Oh, how sweet.
180
00:08:53,283 --> 00:08:56,703
‐ It looks like I didn't get
the "dress like Santa" memo. [chuckles]
181
00:08:56,703 --> 00:08:58,963
Oh, Hanukkah Harry!
I love that.
182
00:08:58,956 --> 00:09:01,036
I'm Dan, by the way.
It's nice to meet you.
183
00:09:01,041 --> 00:09:03,341
‐ Shabbat shalom and enchanté.
184
00:09:03,335 --> 00:09:05,625
‐ Well, aren't you two
becoming fast friends.
185
00:09:05,629 --> 00:09:08,299
Oh, Madison, I'm sure you remember Dan.
186
00:09:08,298 --> 00:09:12,008
‐ Yeah. It's good to see you again.
Your place is both awesome and amazing.
187
00:09:12,010 --> 00:09:14,390
‐ Oh, I certainly do remember Dan.
188
00:09:15,264 --> 00:09:17,854
From the acclaimed docudrama
“Creating a Killer,”
189
00:09:17,850 --> 00:09:20,890
which investigated the brutal slaying
of nursing student Lucy Gallagher
190
00:09:20,894 --> 00:09:23,194
on a blind date at Panera Bread.
‐ Wait, what?
191
00:09:23,188 --> 00:09:25,568
‐ Yeah, it's true.
It happened in my home town.
192
00:09:25,566 --> 00:09:28,486
They even interviewed me for one episode
as a random witness.
193
00:09:28,485 --> 00:09:30,445
I guess it was my 15 minutes of fame.
194
00:09:30,445 --> 00:09:32,655
‐ Oh, Dan, you're being modest.
195
00:09:32,656 --> 00:09:35,736
I’m sure your new friend Izzy here
would love to know more about the case.
196
00:09:35,742 --> 00:09:37,492
Which, to this day, remains unsolved.
197
00:09:37,494 --> 00:09:41,544
‐ Well, as a non‐partisan listener
of this story,
198
00:09:41,540 --> 00:09:43,540
I'd love to know more details, please.
199
00:09:43,542 --> 00:09:46,002
‐ Oh, we don't have to‐‐
‐ The Bread Bowl Killing.
200
00:09:46,003 --> 00:09:49,213
An unidentified suspect
joined Lucy at Panera Bread
201
00:09:49,214 --> 00:09:52,554
where they shared a clam chowder
bread bowl that sadly would be her last.
202
00:09:53,427 --> 00:09:56,007
Hours later,
Lucy’s body was found dismembered
203
00:09:56,013 --> 00:09:57,603
in a dumpster behind the restaurant.
204
00:09:57,598 --> 00:10:02,388
‐ Oh, my God, that's so gross!
They were sharing soup? Ugh!
205
00:10:02,394 --> 00:10:03,854
‐ Police have reason to believe
206
00:10:03,854 --> 00:10:06,114
that the mystery man
who ate from that doughy dish
207
00:10:06,106 --> 00:10:09,276
is the very killer
who sent her to her grain‐based grave.
208
00:10:09,276 --> 00:10:11,816
‐ Madison, that's what this is about?
209
00:10:11,820 --> 00:10:14,360
You’re seriously implying
that Dan killed someone
210
00:10:14,364 --> 00:10:16,204
based off of a murder show
that you binged?
211
00:10:16,200 --> 00:10:18,160
DAN: Look, Stella, it's okay.
I understand.
212
00:10:18,160 --> 00:10:21,250
People get really into
these true crime stories.
213
00:10:21,246 --> 00:10:23,996
But since you brought it up,
I actually have celiac disease.
214
00:10:23,999 --> 00:10:26,959
So, even the smallest amount of gluten
will make me violently ill.
215
00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:30,130
‐ Well, Dan, call me a superfan,
but, uh...
216
00:10:30,130 --> 00:10:32,670
If you have celiac disease,
then what was your car doing
217
00:10:32,674 --> 00:10:34,894
outside of a Panera Bread
in the first place?
218
00:10:34,885 --> 00:10:36,175
They never explained it on the show.
219
00:10:37,054 --> 00:10:39,264
‐ Oh, well, I was just running errands.
220
00:10:39,264 --> 00:10:41,234
You see,
ever since my mom lost her second job,
221
00:10:41,225 --> 00:10:43,135
I've had to pick up the slack
around the house
222
00:10:43,143 --> 00:10:45,693
and help out with my mee‐moo.
That's my Grandma.
223
00:10:45,687 --> 00:10:47,187
‐ Are you a living angel?
224
00:10:47,189 --> 00:10:48,769
STELLA:
That's right, Iz.
225
00:10:48,774 --> 00:10:52,154
You could say that Dan embodies
the Christmas spirit and all things good.
226
00:10:52,152 --> 00:10:55,072
I mean, thank goodness
I called him to reconnect.
227
00:10:55,072 --> 00:10:56,072
DAN:
I'll cheers to that.
228
00:10:56,073 --> 00:10:57,413
Why don't we have
some of these egg nog shots?
229
00:10:57,407 --> 00:10:58,487
‐ [chuckling]
STELLA: Oh, yeah.
230
00:10:59,159 --> 00:11:00,449
‐ I'm gonna go see where Jules is.
231
00:11:01,537 --> 00:11:03,657
‐ More for us. [laughing]
‐ Yeah!
232
00:11:03,664 --> 00:11:05,674
♪
233
00:11:07,835 --> 00:11:09,455
JULES: Hello?
MADISON: [on phone] Jules?
234
00:11:09,461 --> 00:11:11,381
JULES: Hey.
‐ Where are you?
235
00:11:11,380 --> 00:11:13,510
‐ I’m sorry.
I had to drop off a gift basket
236
00:11:13,507 --> 00:11:16,427
at this silent auction charity thing
at the museum for Woom.
237
00:11:16,426 --> 00:11:18,346
[sighs] You know what?
Now that I think about it,
238
00:11:18,345 --> 00:11:20,635
it’s gonna take me, like,
45 minutes to get to you,
239
00:11:20,639 --> 00:11:23,059
so, maybe I should just
head home after this.
240
00:11:23,058 --> 00:11:25,098
MADISON:
Oh, you are being so crazy!
241
00:11:25,102 --> 00:11:27,652
Look, I need you to help me convince Izzy
to convince Stella
242
00:11:27,646 --> 00:11:29,226
that Stella's date is a murderer.
243
00:11:29,231 --> 00:11:31,571
JULES: I'm sorry.
What were you saying about me being crazy?
244
00:11:31,567 --> 00:11:33,777
‐ Look, I'll explain it all to you
when you get here.
245
00:11:33,777 --> 00:11:36,487
But trust me, you are not going
to run into Jeremy at Santa‐con.
246
00:11:36,488 --> 00:11:40,198
‐ Uh, you're right.
‐ Thanks. Wait, that was too easy. Why?
247
00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:41,950
‐ Because he's here.
248
00:11:41,952 --> 00:11:43,912
[indistinct chatter]
249
00:11:43,912 --> 00:11:45,292
With a girl.
250
00:11:48,959 --> 00:11:52,209
‐ [museum rumbling]
‐ [patrons screaming]
251
00:11:56,258 --> 00:11:58,258
[alarm blaring]
252
00:12:03,932 --> 00:12:05,432
‐ The last thing I just heard Jules say
253
00:12:05,434 --> 00:12:08,104
is that her fuckboy ex‐boyfriend
is on a fucking date at the museum.
254
00:12:08,103 --> 00:12:10,273
We've got to get downtown.
Izzy, call a Lyft!
255
00:12:11,815 --> 00:12:13,435
‐ Are you okay?
‐ Yeah.
256
00:12:13,442 --> 00:12:16,572
‐ First, we get stuck on a ski lift,
and now the earth literally moves.
257
00:12:16,570 --> 00:12:17,950
I must be your bad luck charm.
258
00:12:17,946 --> 00:12:20,736
‐ Oh, I guess she has that in common
with the late Lucy Gallagher,
259
00:12:20,741 --> 00:12:22,831
who was just two credits shy
from getting her nursing degree.
260
00:12:22,826 --> 00:12:25,286
‐ Honestly, Madison,
your memory for this stuff is incredible.
261
00:12:25,287 --> 00:12:29,457
‐ Mmm, Madison's like an elephant
except a lot smaller and easier to harm.
262
00:12:30,167 --> 00:12:32,957
‐ Okay, I got one.
Outside in two minutes. Let's go.
263
00:12:36,215 --> 00:12:38,175
[sirens wailing]
264
00:12:38,175 --> 00:12:39,675
[bells jingling]
265
00:12:40,969 --> 00:12:42,219
‐ Here for Izzy?
266
00:12:43,055 --> 00:12:44,845
‐ Uh, what the fuck is that?
267
00:12:45,724 --> 00:12:48,644
‐ It's a Lyft.
‐ No, Lyfts have doors.
268
00:12:48,644 --> 00:12:50,024
And engines.
269
00:12:50,020 --> 00:12:51,190
And an aux cord.
270
00:12:51,188 --> 00:12:53,398
‐ Well, I'll have you know
this is registered with the app
271
00:12:53,398 --> 00:12:55,278
and technically meets
all the requirements.
272
00:12:55,275 --> 00:12:57,895
But if you want music,
I do carol for tips.
273
00:12:57,903 --> 00:13:00,413
‐ Izzy, cancel this asshole
and get another car.
274
00:13:00,405 --> 00:13:04,025
‐ It says no other cars are available.
‐ Is anyone sober enough to drive?
275
00:13:04,034 --> 00:13:06,374
‐ Looks like the earthquake took out
all the traffic lights or something.
276
00:13:06,370 --> 00:13:07,750
It's bumper‐to‐bumper out there.
277
00:13:07,746 --> 00:13:09,156
‐ Unless, of course,
you don't have a bumper.
278
00:13:09,164 --> 00:13:10,834
‐ [chuckling]
Nice. Good one.
279
00:13:12,751 --> 00:13:13,961
‐ [sighs]
‐ All right.
280
00:13:17,172 --> 00:13:19,422
‐ You guys, we've got to get Jules!
Come on!
281
00:13:23,846 --> 00:13:27,556
‐ Well, Mrs. Claus,
looks like I'm your Christmas miracle.
282
00:13:27,558 --> 00:13:28,768
♪ holiday music playing ♪
283
00:13:28,767 --> 00:13:30,347
‐ This is fun.
‐ [chuckles]
284
00:13:34,898 --> 00:13:37,478
MADISON:
Is this seriously how fast it goes?
285
00:13:37,484 --> 00:13:40,434
[phone line ringing]
286
00:13:40,430 --> 00:13:42,230
♪ I believe in ♪
287
00:13:42,231 --> 00:13:44,031
♪ I believe in ♪
288
00:13:44,032 --> 00:13:45,912
MADISON: [over phone] Jules, talk to me.
What’s happening?
289
00:13:45,909 --> 00:13:47,119
‐ Oh, you know, not much.
290
00:13:47,119 --> 00:13:48,999
My ex‐boyfriend is on a date
291
00:13:48,996 --> 00:13:51,956
with an individual I can only assume
is a Victoria’s Secret Model,
292
00:13:51,957 --> 00:13:53,537
and there was a giant earthquake
293
00:13:53,542 --> 00:13:56,002
that caused the museum
to go into emergency lock‐down.
294
00:13:56,003 --> 00:13:58,593
Also, I'm dressed like a mall Santa.
295
00:13:58,589 --> 00:14:00,089
‐ A mall Santa?
296
00:14:00,090 --> 00:14:02,220
What happened to the costume
I sent you a link for?
297
00:14:02,217 --> 00:14:05,467
Well, I opened the link but then I got
this one instead because it had pockets.
298
00:14:05,470 --> 00:14:07,180
‐ It's a fucking disaster.
299
00:14:07,764 --> 00:14:09,934
Okay, listen to me.
It's not that bad.
300
00:14:09,933 --> 00:14:11,233
We're on our way to you now.
301
00:14:11,226 --> 00:14:13,726
And in the meantime, find a place
to hide, and we'll be there soon.
302
00:14:18,775 --> 00:14:20,645
[various animal sound effects playing]
303
00:14:28,660 --> 00:14:30,540
RECORDED GUIDE:
The male of the species would choose
304
00:14:30,537 --> 00:14:33,207
the most desirable mate for reproduction,
305
00:14:34,208 --> 00:14:37,998
leaving the less desirable females
outside the protection of the tribe.
306
00:14:39,880 --> 00:14:43,510
‐ [lion growling]
‐ [Cave Jules screaming]
307
00:14:47,304 --> 00:14:49,854
MALE VOICE: Where are you going?
FEMALE VOICE: I'm exploring.
308
00:14:51,183 --> 00:14:52,943
MALE VOICE:
Are you trying to get is in trouble?
309
00:14:54,186 --> 00:14:56,096
If you set off an alarm,
I'm running for it.
310
00:14:56,104 --> 00:14:57,404
FEMALE VOICE:
You wouldn't!
311
00:14:58,649 --> 00:15:01,069
MALE: Can you run in those heels?
FEMALE: [giggling] Watch me!
312
00:15:01,068 --> 00:15:02,438
[Jules groans]
313
00:15:05,864 --> 00:15:07,954
‐ Hey, come back here!
‐ Never!
314
00:15:09,660 --> 00:15:11,950
‐ Looks like we’re definitely missing
our dinner reservations.
315
00:15:11,954 --> 00:15:14,874
‐ Well, at least we're getting
a private tour.
316
00:15:16,834 --> 00:15:18,174
JEREMY:
So, what should we do now?
317
00:15:18,168 --> 00:15:19,498
RECORDED GUIDE:
Bone,
318
00:15:19,503 --> 00:15:22,463
the building block
of the vertebrae organism.
319
00:15:22,464 --> 00:15:24,054
‐ Ugh, this can't be happening!
320
00:15:24,049 --> 00:15:26,429
JEREMY: I know. It's crazy, right?
GIRL: What?
321
00:15:27,636 --> 00:15:29,216
GUARD: Hey!
322
00:15:29,221 --> 00:15:32,021
You and your wife need to
get back to the main lobby!
323
00:15:32,015 --> 00:15:33,725
‐ It’s only been a month,
but message received.
324
00:15:33,725 --> 00:15:35,765
‐ Well, you're obviously a great couple,
325
00:15:35,769 --> 00:15:38,189
but we’re rounding everyone up
for a head count.
326
00:15:41,358 --> 00:15:43,358
♪
327
00:15:55,706 --> 00:15:57,706
♪ holiday music playing ♪
328
00:16:03,255 --> 00:16:06,125
♪ It's going to be a happy Christmas Day ♪
329
00:16:06,133 --> 00:16:08,223
‐ I'm sorry, Stella.
I have to give this one to Izzy.
330
00:16:08,218 --> 00:16:10,468
Mariah Carey's
"All I Want For Christmas Is You"
331
00:16:10,470 --> 00:16:11,890
is my number one holiday jam.
332
00:16:11,889 --> 00:16:13,389
‐ Marry him.
333
00:16:13,390 --> 00:16:15,810
‐ Madison, I'm sure
this must be hard for you.
334
00:16:15,809 --> 00:16:17,439
But just think of it this way:
335
00:16:17,436 --> 00:16:19,266
you don't have to get me
a Christmas gift this year.
336
00:16:19,271 --> 00:16:21,731
Because winning this bet
is the only thing I want.
337
00:16:21,732 --> 00:16:25,072
‐ Oh, look what I have here!
‐ [gasps] Is it the Mariah video?
338
00:16:25,068 --> 00:16:27,238
‐ No, actually.
It’s a list of retailers
339
00:16:27,237 --> 00:16:30,617
in the Panera Bread strip mall
where Dan’s car was mysteriously parked.
340
00:16:30,616 --> 00:16:32,076
You were doing errands, right?
341
00:16:32,826 --> 00:16:37,366
Let's see, there's Sassy Nails,
Stubby's Dog Wash and Groomer,
342
00:16:37,372 --> 00:16:39,292
and Chuck E. Cheese.
343
00:16:39,291 --> 00:16:42,591
‐ Okay, we’re gonna need to make a quick
stop to the nearest mental hospital.
344
00:16:42,586 --> 00:16:45,506
‐ It's okay, Stella.
It was so many years ago.
345
00:16:45,506 --> 00:16:48,296
Nobody can remember what errands they run
a couple of years ago, right?
346
00:16:48,300 --> 00:16:50,550
‐ Well, those are all the stores, Dan.
347
00:16:50,552 --> 00:16:53,182
And I guess I just find it hard to believe
that you don’t remember
348
00:16:53,180 --> 00:16:56,100
getting a pedicure, owning a dog,
or having a child.
349
00:16:56,099 --> 00:16:59,019
Unless, of course, you were lying about
not being at Panera Bread.
350
00:16:59,019 --> 00:17:01,149
I don't know.
What do you think, Izzy?
351
00:17:01,146 --> 00:17:05,606
‐ You do make a lot of strong points.
‐ Izzy, what happened to "marry him"?
352
00:17:05,609 --> 00:17:08,109
‐ Well, nine times out of ten,
it's the husband who did it.
353
00:17:08,111 --> 00:17:09,911
[car horns honking]
354
00:17:10,489 --> 00:17:12,449
[panting]
355
00:17:14,493 --> 00:17:19,043
‐ [groaning]
Not a breathable fabric.
356
00:17:23,794 --> 00:17:26,384
‐ Oh, my God! I look like a mess!
357
00:17:26,380 --> 00:17:28,800
[gasps]
Do I look terrible?
358
00:17:28,799 --> 00:17:32,049
‐ You?
Uh, no, you don't look terrible.
359
00:17:32,052 --> 00:17:34,302
You look upsettingly attractive.
360
00:17:34,304 --> 00:17:36,224
‐ Really? I mean...
361
00:17:36,223 --> 00:17:38,733
I borrowed this dress
from my roommate the last minute.
362
00:17:38,725 --> 00:17:41,805
You know when you just don’t feel good
in what you’re wearing?
363
00:17:42,396 --> 00:17:44,186
‐ Um...
364
00:17:44,189 --> 00:17:46,649
I suppose I can imagine
what that feels like.
365
00:17:46,650 --> 00:17:48,360
‐ You know, I think I’m just nervous,
366
00:17:48,360 --> 00:17:49,990
'cause I'm dating this guy
that I really like
367
00:17:49,987 --> 00:17:52,197
and I got tickets for this thing
through work.
368
00:17:52,197 --> 00:17:54,907
And I was just worried
he was gonna think this was really lame,
369
00:17:54,908 --> 00:17:57,828
but he's been really sweet
about coming to this thing.
370
00:17:57,828 --> 00:17:59,868
And then we get trapped here
because of an earthquake?
371
00:17:59,872 --> 00:18:02,082
I mean, what are the chances?
372
00:18:02,082 --> 00:18:05,172
‐ Astronomically low,
and yet, somehow,
373
00:18:05,169 --> 00:18:07,749
this is the situation
which we find ourselves.
374
00:18:07,754 --> 00:18:09,974
‐ You know, it's just really nice
to be dating a guy
375
00:18:09,965 --> 00:18:12,085
who’s, like, excited to come to a museum
376
00:18:12,092 --> 00:18:15,352
instead of getting drunk in a sports bar
or something, you know?
377
00:18:16,138 --> 00:18:17,388
‐ He was?
378
00:18:17,389 --> 00:18:19,019
[water running]
379
00:18:20,434 --> 00:18:23,404
Yeah, that's... definitely unexpected.
380
00:18:23,395 --> 00:18:26,515
‐ I should go.
I don't want him to think I'm pooping.
381
00:18:26,523 --> 00:18:27,523
Oh.
382
00:18:30,485 --> 00:18:34,155
Thank you... so... much. Ha!
383
00:18:36,992 --> 00:18:39,242
‐ Thank you for visiting the bathroom!
384
00:18:40,037 --> 00:18:41,577
Where I work.
385
00:18:44,625 --> 00:18:48,125
‐ And if you look to your right,
you’ll see LA’s famous La Brea Tar Pits.
386
00:18:48,128 --> 00:18:49,128
‐ Ooh!
387
00:18:49,129 --> 00:18:51,219
‐ [phone ringing]
‐ Oh!
388
00:18:51,215 --> 00:18:52,965
Okay, Jules, what's the situation?
389
00:18:52,966 --> 00:18:55,796
‐ Well, I'm still trapped in this museum,
390
00:18:55,802 --> 00:18:58,472
trapped in an alternate reality
where Jeremy likes museums,
391
00:18:58,472 --> 00:19:02,022
trapped in a layer of polyester
designed for outdoor gift distribution,
392
00:19:02,017 --> 00:19:04,347
not to mention they have
the fucking Sherlock Holmes
393
00:19:04,353 --> 00:19:07,403
of museum security guards
hunting down stragglers.
394
00:19:07,397 --> 00:19:10,397
It’s only a matter of time
before Jeremy sees me like this.
395
00:19:10,400 --> 00:19:12,650
‐ Okay, Jules,
I am not gonna let that happen.
396
00:19:12,653 --> 00:19:14,493
Now, where are you
and what do we have to work with?
397
00:19:15,572 --> 00:19:17,912
♪
398
00:19:19,743 --> 00:19:24,753
‐ Uh, let’s see...
fossil kits, astronaut ice cream,
399
00:19:24,748 --> 00:19:26,828
scissors where the handle
is a dinosaur’s mouth.
400
00:19:26,834 --> 00:19:30,344
‐ Okay, I think I’ve seen enough
"Project Runway" to get you through this.
401
00:19:30,337 --> 00:19:31,797
Now, here’s what you have to do.
402
00:19:31,797 --> 00:19:33,797
RUPAUL:
♪ Stroll down the runway ♪
403
00:19:33,799 --> 00:19:35,679
♪ Another pay day ♪
404
00:19:35,676 --> 00:19:38,256
♪ Cover of magazines ♪
405
00:19:39,429 --> 00:19:41,309
♪ And when they see me ♪
406
00:19:41,306 --> 00:19:43,136
♪ They want to be me ♪
407
00:19:43,141 --> 00:19:45,941
♪ I am a fantasy ♪
408
00:19:46,645 --> 00:19:47,975
♪ Cover girl! ♪
409
00:19:47,980 --> 00:19:50,190
♪ Put the bass in your walk ♪
410
00:19:50,190 --> 00:19:53,530
♪ Head to toe let your whole body talk ♪
411
00:19:54,194 --> 00:19:55,824
♪ Walk ♪
412
00:19:55,821 --> 00:19:57,951
♪ Now walk, uh ♪
413
00:19:57,948 --> 00:19:59,528
♪ Walk ♪
414
00:19:59,533 --> 00:20:01,793
♪ Now walk
And cover girl! ♪
415
00:20:01,785 --> 00:20:04,495
♪ Put the bass in your walk ♪
416
00:20:04,496 --> 00:20:08,166
♪ Head to toe let your whole body talk ♪
417
00:20:08,166 --> 00:20:09,536
♪ Cover girl! ♪
418
00:20:09,543 --> 00:20:12,003
♪ Put the bass in your walk ♪
419
00:20:14,423 --> 00:20:15,553
‐ Jules, hi!
420
00:20:16,216 --> 00:20:18,836
‐ Hey, Jeremy. How's it going?
‐ [crowd gasping]
421
00:20:18,844 --> 00:20:22,514
‐ Miss, you’re being detained
for looting during a museum disaster.
422
00:20:22,514 --> 00:20:24,984
‐ Whoa. What are you doing?
She works here!
423
00:20:26,226 --> 00:20:27,806
‐ Nice to see you again.
424
00:20:29,313 --> 00:20:30,733
MADISON:
Knees up, reindeer.
425
00:20:30,731 --> 00:20:33,231
‐ [panting]
I've gone nine miles!
426
00:20:33,233 --> 00:20:35,283
‐ Nine down and one to go.
427
00:20:35,277 --> 00:20:38,817
‐ If anyone needs provisions,
I’ve got challah to spare.
428
00:20:38,822 --> 00:20:41,872
Don’t worry.
The permanent marker is okay to eat.
429
00:20:41,867 --> 00:20:43,077
‐ Izzy, stop stalling.
430
00:20:43,076 --> 00:20:45,446
It’s time to come down with a verdict
now that you’ve had a chance to review
431
00:20:45,454 --> 00:20:47,374
the unbelievably convincing evidence.
432
00:20:47,372 --> 00:20:49,212
‐ Did you say "verdict"?
‐ Jesus, Madison.
433
00:20:49,208 --> 00:20:52,128
I almost wish he did kill someone
just to get you to shut up.
434
00:20:52,127 --> 00:20:54,297
‐ For the record,
I haven't killed anyone.
435
00:20:54,296 --> 00:20:55,916
MADISON:
Oh, I will happily shut up
436
00:20:55,923 --> 00:20:58,513
when I win the bet and watch you
put together your earthquake kit.
437
00:20:58,509 --> 00:21:00,589
‐ Well you know what?
I won’t even need an earthquake kit
438
00:21:00,594 --> 00:21:02,304
when I move to the East Coast next year.
439
00:21:03,055 --> 00:21:04,095
‐ What the hell are you talking about?
440
00:21:04,097 --> 00:21:06,637
‐ I applied to a bunch of business schools
on the East Coast.
441
00:21:06,642 --> 00:21:08,352
So, if I get in, I'm moving.
442
00:21:08,352 --> 00:21:09,812
‐ Wait, how could you not tell me that?
443
00:21:09,811 --> 00:21:12,271
‐ Because you always try to control
everything I do in my life
444
00:21:12,272 --> 00:21:13,482
because you think I'm an idiot.
445
00:21:13,482 --> 00:21:15,482
Sorry, that’s not the vote
of confidence I needed
446
00:21:15,484 --> 00:21:17,494
when I’m already worried enough
about getting in.
447
00:21:17,486 --> 00:21:18,526
‐ Um, guys?
448
00:21:18,529 --> 00:21:19,739
MADISON:
Of course I don't think you're an idiot.
449
00:21:19,738 --> 00:21:21,318
Look, I think you're amazing.
450
00:21:21,323 --> 00:21:24,033
The reason I intervene is because
if something were to happen to you
451
00:21:24,034 --> 00:21:26,414
that I could have prevented,
I wouldn’t be okay.
452
00:21:26,411 --> 00:21:27,291
‐ Guys!
453
00:21:27,287 --> 00:21:29,207
‐ I know it makes you feel good
to be in control of everything,
454
00:21:29,206 --> 00:21:31,326
but if you just trusted yourself
a little bit more,
455
00:21:31,333 --> 00:21:32,673
you wouldn’t have to worry so much.
456
00:21:32,668 --> 00:21:33,668
‐ Guys!
457
00:21:37,965 --> 00:21:40,465
‐ Uh, Dan? What are you doing?
458
00:21:41,260 --> 00:21:43,850
‐ Well, I just figured this is
a bit of a friendship tiff,
459
00:21:43,846 --> 00:21:47,176
so I'm just gonna give you some space
and let you guys work it out.
460
00:21:47,182 --> 00:21:49,772
‐ I thought you said
you had celiac disease.
461
00:21:49,768 --> 00:21:51,978
‐ And that’s why you couldn’t be
the Bread Bowl Killer.
462
00:21:53,939 --> 00:21:57,319
‐ Stella, come on.
I was just absent‐mindedly having some.
463
00:21:57,317 --> 00:21:59,527
You know, absent‐minded bread.
464
00:21:59,528 --> 00:22:01,528
Seriously, I didn't even realize
I was eating.
465
00:22:03,282 --> 00:22:06,702
You guys are being crazy!
‐ No one is being crazy.
466
00:22:06,702 --> 00:22:08,872
We're all being very calm.
467
00:22:08,871 --> 00:22:10,751
DAN:
Why are you guys acting so scared?
468
00:22:10,747 --> 00:22:12,707
I didn't do anything wrong.
I didn't kill anyone.
469
00:22:12,708 --> 00:22:13,668
I mean, look at me.
470
00:22:13,667 --> 00:22:15,457
Do I look like somebody
who could kill someone?
471
00:22:21,717 --> 00:22:23,637
All right. All right, fine.
472
00:22:23,635 --> 00:22:26,965
Madison, you were right.
I did know where I was that night.
473
00:22:26,972 --> 00:22:28,522
You wanna know the truth? Huh?
474
00:22:28,515 --> 00:22:31,345
You want that confession
you've been angling for all day?
475
00:22:33,520 --> 00:22:34,810
I wasn't there that night.
476
00:22:35,564 --> 00:22:37,324
Because I was masturbating in my car.
477
00:22:39,026 --> 00:22:41,606
‐ I’m sorry, did you just say‐‐
‐ Look, the Panera Bread, right?
478
00:22:41,612 --> 00:22:42,862
You said there was a Chuck E. Cheese.
479
00:22:42,863 --> 00:22:45,913
‐ Dan, don't say anything
you might regret.
480
00:22:45,908 --> 00:22:48,078
‐ I have a very normal fetish.
481
00:22:48,911 --> 00:22:50,541
In fact, there's hundreds of us
in my Reddit group.
482
00:22:50,537 --> 00:22:52,827
‐ Oh, Jesus!
‐ What is happening?
483
00:22:52,831 --> 00:22:55,751
‐ I am sexually attracted
to mascot characters.
484
00:22:56,502 --> 00:22:58,422
There. I said it.
485
00:22:58,420 --> 00:22:59,880
That's my big secret.
486
00:23:00,506 --> 00:23:02,166
So, you see, I couldn't have killed Lucy.
487
00:23:02,174 --> 00:23:05,764
Because I was in my car
parked outside of a Chuck E. Cheese
488
00:23:05,761 --> 00:23:08,011
pleasuring myself to completion.
489
00:23:08,013 --> 00:23:10,433
Feels really good
to share that with you guys.
490
00:23:10,432 --> 00:23:12,062
Thank you for not judging me.
491
00:23:13,769 --> 00:23:16,899
Anyway, I really can’t wait
to meet your friend, Jules. [laughing]
492
00:23:18,148 --> 00:23:20,608
♪
493
00:23:20,609 --> 00:23:22,569
DRIVER: I'm really not supposed to
let you do this.
494
00:23:22,569 --> 00:23:26,109
‐ She's got it.
‐ Soul Cycle. First row, baby!
495
00:23:26,114 --> 00:23:29,034
Time to save our girl.
‐ And tap it back!
496
00:23:33,372 --> 00:23:36,172
DAN: Excuse me, do you know
where the nearest Build‐a‐Bear is?
497
00:23:39,419 --> 00:23:42,799
‐ Ma’am, it's still America in here.
You promised me a phone call.
498
00:23:43,632 --> 00:23:44,632
‐ Just me.
499
00:23:45,759 --> 00:23:46,759
‐ Oh.
500
00:23:53,392 --> 00:23:55,692
‐ Is that a... prison shiv?
501
00:23:55,686 --> 00:23:58,306
‐ This thing is cutting off
the circulation to my wrists, okay?
502
00:23:58,313 --> 00:24:00,863
‐ No, it's...
it's very resourceful.
503
00:24:00,858 --> 00:24:03,688
I just... I feel like I should be
looking around for toilet wine.
504
00:24:04,736 --> 00:24:07,736
‐ I’m sorry, did you come all the way
down here just to make fun of me?
505
00:24:07,739 --> 00:24:09,159
‐ I couldn't resist a captive audience.
506
00:24:09,157 --> 00:24:12,077
‐ Okay. No, no, no, keep going.
This is great.
507
00:24:12,077 --> 00:24:15,907
I mean, running into you on a date
with a supermodel wasn’t bad enough.
508
00:24:19,418 --> 00:24:21,418
‐ Jules, she's not a supermodel.
509
00:24:21,420 --> 00:24:22,590
‐ Aw, she's not?
510
00:24:22,588 --> 00:24:25,418
‐ Well, I mean, she’s a model,
but it’s, like, mostly Instagram stuff.
511
00:24:25,424 --> 00:24:28,554
‐ God, Jeremy.
What are you even doing here?
512
00:24:28,552 --> 00:24:31,562
I thought if I was gonna run into you
it would be at SantaCon.
513
00:24:31,555 --> 00:24:33,465
‐ Was that today? I...
514
00:24:35,809 --> 00:24:38,809
‐ You really wanted to go?
‐ I really, really wanted to go, yeah.
515
00:24:39,646 --> 00:24:42,896
‐ Why are you at a museum charity event?
You hate this kind of thing.
516
00:24:43,984 --> 00:24:46,404
‐ I'm here because of February 3rd.
517
00:24:47,237 --> 00:24:50,487
‐ February 3rd?
‐ Yeah, free museum day. You remember?
518
00:24:51,325 --> 00:24:54,575
You made a huge deal about
how all the museums in L. A. are free
519
00:24:54,578 --> 00:24:56,038
and you really wanted us to go,
520
00:24:56,038 --> 00:25:00,248
but then Cam had people over for beer pong
and we did that instead.
521
00:25:01,877 --> 00:25:05,337
You didn't say anything,
but I could tell you were bummed and...
522
00:25:06,381 --> 00:25:09,471
I always felt guilty about that
so when
523
00:25:09,468 --> 00:25:11,848
Melyssa asked me
to go to this thing, I just...
524
00:25:13,055 --> 00:25:15,015
I don't know, I just thought I should...
525
00:25:16,099 --> 00:25:19,059
try harder than I used to.
‐ Wow.
526
00:25:20,187 --> 00:25:22,517
I didn't realize you felt bad about that.
527
00:25:23,398 --> 00:25:25,278
‐ Wait. Why were you
gonna be at SantaCon?
528
00:25:26,193 --> 00:25:28,533
‐ I guess 'cause of February 3rd.
529
00:25:28,987 --> 00:25:30,277
MADISON:
Wait.
530
00:25:30,280 --> 00:25:33,280
‐ That was the day I shouldn’t have
watched my boyfriend
531
00:25:33,283 --> 00:25:34,663
play beer pong with his friends
532
00:25:34,660 --> 00:25:37,790
and just called my friends
and gone to a museum with them.
533
00:25:37,788 --> 00:25:40,168
‐ She's got this.
‐ Yeah, she does.
534
00:25:40,165 --> 00:25:44,245
‐ Instead, I neglected them
and resented you.
535
00:25:45,504 --> 00:25:48,424
So, that's why SantaCon.
536
00:25:49,591 --> 00:25:52,431
‐ Well, I'm happy for you.
537
00:25:54,638 --> 00:25:55,758
‐ Yeah. Me too.
538
00:25:56,557 --> 00:25:58,767
‐ All right, ma'am.
MADISON: Jules‐‐
539
00:25:58,767 --> 00:26:02,187
Don't say a word.
If you don’t release this woman right now,
540
00:26:02,187 --> 00:26:05,017
you are sitting on the biggest
museum PR disaster
541
00:26:05,023 --> 00:26:08,113
since the Vandermeer Gallery
tried to cover the breasts in a Picasso.
542
00:26:08,110 --> 00:26:12,990
She was bringing gifts
to a charity fundraiser at Christmastime!
543
00:26:12,990 --> 00:26:16,620
This is a war on charity,
a war on giving!
544
00:26:16,618 --> 00:26:20,038
And it’s a Starbucks‐red‐cupping,
happy‐holidays‐saying,
545
00:26:20,038 --> 00:26:23,078
carol‐censoring, Santa‐slaying
war on Christmas!
546
00:26:23,083 --> 00:26:26,463
‐ I also left 40 bucks
on the gift shop counter.
547
00:26:26,461 --> 00:26:29,631
‐ Oh, you did?
Well, that stuff doesn't cost 40 bucks.
548
00:26:29,631 --> 00:26:32,511
You're free to go.
We'll send you your change.
549
00:26:43,979 --> 00:26:45,559
‐ It was good running into you.
550
00:26:45,564 --> 00:26:48,034
♪
551
00:26:50,861 --> 00:26:52,861
♪
552
00:26:58,660 --> 00:27:01,080
‐ Hey, you good?
‐ Yeah, I'm good.
553
00:27:02,164 --> 00:27:06,134
But thank you, guys, for coming to get me
in this, uh, not‐a‐car.
554
00:27:07,044 --> 00:27:09,714
‐ Of course!
‐ Ugh, today has been insane.
555
00:27:09,713 --> 00:27:12,013
But what matters is we survived.
556
00:27:12,007 --> 00:27:16,177
‐ Everyone except for Lucy Gallagher,
may she rest in peace.
557
00:27:16,762 --> 00:27:18,682
‐ Wait. Who?
MADISON: The Bread Bowl Killer.
558
00:27:18,680 --> 00:27:21,480
The brutal slaying of nursing student
Lucy Gallagher at Panera Bread,
559
00:27:21,475 --> 00:27:23,435
which to this day remains unsolved.
560
00:27:23,435 --> 00:27:25,475
An unidentified suspect‐‐
STELLA: Hey, can you stop with that?
561
00:27:25,479 --> 00:27:27,149
MADISON:
Oh, you're just mad because I won.
562
00:27:27,147 --> 00:27:28,567
JULES:
Someone catch me up here.
563
00:27:28,565 --> 00:27:33,145
IZZY: It's really just that classic case
of masturbation vs. murder
564
00:27:33,153 --> 00:27:36,743
when you're trying to decide
if a guy is a good person or not.
565
00:27:36,740 --> 00:27:38,030
♪ Oh ♪
566
00:27:38,033 --> 00:27:40,373
♪ All the little children
and all the big children ♪
567
00:27:40,369 --> 00:27:43,789
♪ It's Christmas (in L. A.) ♪
568
00:27:43,789 --> 00:27:45,789
♪ All the ladies
and all the little babies ♪
569
00:27:45,791 --> 00:27:49,291
♪ They were singing in the round
(in L. A.) ♪
570
00:27:49,294 --> 00:27:51,384
♪ Even the gentlemen,
every single one of them ♪
571
00:27:51,380 --> 00:27:55,800
♪ Christmas (in L. A.) ♪
572
00:28:01,807 --> 00:28:04,387
♪ All the little children
and all the big children ♪
573
00:28:04,393 --> 00:28:07,603
♪ It's Christmas (in L. A.) ♪
574
00:28:07,604 --> 00:28:09,734
♪ All the ladies
and all the little babies ♪
575
00:28:09,731 --> 00:28:10,821
♪ It's Christmas... ♪